Out to Sea (1997) Movie Script
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Just a quarter mile left,
Hare Krishna is still clear.
- Turning for home, Hare Krishna the one to catch.
- Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna!
Come on!
- Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
- Hare Krishna's getting weary.
Keep it together.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
- A three-way photo finish coming up to
the wire. - Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare... No!
And a heartbreaking loss for Hare Krishna.!
Give me a 1-5-6,
a 1-5-7 and give me...
Give me a break, will you?
You can't bet every horse in the race.
- It's cheating.
The horses are inside the gate.
- We're gonna get shut out here.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Got a sure winner. Ten dollars
across the board on number two.
At 70 to 1? Charlie!
Where's the money?
If I had the money,
would I be betting long shots?
Please, Edie, cover for me
this one time.
- The flag is up.
- Okay, Charlie. You're down.
- Thank you, sweetheart.
I love you very much.
Away they go.!
Pretty good start for all.
The only one slow is High Button Shoes,
and High Button Shoes is last early on.
Swinging onto the back stretch, and it's
Last Chance and Coates Tail setting the pace.
Now High Button Shoes
does begin to pick it up.
High Button Shoes nowjoins the pack
as they swing onto the back stretch.
- It's still Punjab and Out of Time the leaders.
- High Button Shoes.
Coates Tail is racing on the outside
curve, and then Last Chance.
High Button Shoes.
High Button Shoes.
High Button Shoes
picks up good ground.
- High Button Shoes coming into contention.
- High Button Shoes!
High Button Shoes.!
High Button Shoes.!
Come on, you schmuck!
Move!
You got it, kid.!
You got it.!
That's the way to do it.!
High Button Shoes.!
High Button Shoes.!
- You got it, baby!
- High Button Shoes has won.!
High Button Shoes,
a major upset.
- I love you.
- Love you too.
See you later, sweetheart.
Hi. How you doin'?
Looks like you're having a big day, huh?
Mickey, my favorite bookie.
How's business?
I'll tell you, Charlie.
I'm in a tough racket, you know?
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Well, I gotta see somebo...
Sometimes I get
this terrible feeling...
like people are trying
to avoid me.
Yeah? Gee, that's too bad.
- Maybe you should see someone about that.
- I am seeing someone.
- Who?
- Where's my money, Charlie?
Money? Come on.
I'm broke, Mickey.
You'd be the first to know
when I get money.
Oh, my goodness.
Where did this come from? L...
I tell you what. I'll give you $500,
and we call it even.
I'll tell you what.
I'll take a grand,
and you still owe me three grand.
Three thousand.
Always and forever, kiddo.
Did you come
to borrow money?
Let me just say...
Why do you assume the only reason
I come here is to borrow money?
Because every time you come here,
you borrow money.
Herbie, I'm gonna tell you something
you're not gonna believe.
- I never believe anything that you tell me.
- Ho, ho, ho.
- Very funny.
- No. It's very sad.
Not as sad as a man having dinner
with a photograph.
Hey, come on. I'm celebrating.
It's my 45th wedding anniversary.
Very touching...
except today
isn't your anniversary.
- Look, Suzie was my wife.
- Yes, I realize that.
- I should know my own...
- And she was my sister. I was your best man.
- March 15, 1952.
- Yes. Correct.
Except today is the 16th.
- What? That's impossible.
- Why? That's the way it works.
First you get the 15th,
then right after that is the 16th.
And then later on
comes the 17 th. Here.
Take a look at the date.
Sixteenth...
God, I've blown
my own anniversary.
Sorry, kiddo.
Here.
What the hell?
Hey, if you need clothes...
the Salvation Army's
over on Fourth Street.
- These will be perfect.
- Huh? Perfect for what?
Listen, will you
do me a favor?
I worked in a department store
for half of my life.
If you don't buy something,
you put it back.
Herbie...
happy anniversary.
- That was yesterday.
- Go ahead, open it.
"Mexico and the Yucatn.
"Witness the spectacle
of a rare solar eclipse...
from the foot of the Mayan pyramids. "
This is a cruise.
That's right.
Deluxe accommodations.
All right,
where'd you get these?
Do you remember a guy named No-Neck?
They finally busted him.
He gave me the tickets
in lieu of the cash he owed me.
Now, wait a minute.
Somebody owed you money?
How dumb
do you think I am?
What are you gonna do? Stay cooped up
in this mausoleum you call home?
- You're still alive. Hasn't anybody told you?
- Look who's talkin'.
You're damn right,
look who's talking!
- Don't you get tired of being alone?
- No. The answer's no.
- Herbie, there's gonna be gourmet food, free drinks,
- No. No.
A bevy of pretty broads.
- Sure, because you're looking for a meaningful relationship.
- Why not?
- You've never had one in your whole life.
- I got news for you.
My whole life isn't over yet, which is
why I suggest we get on that ship...
and sip champagne
with some lonely, rich broads.
Who knows? We may get lucky
during the eclipse.
Charlie, hear me.
The answer is no.
Hold it.! Hold it.!
Coming through.!
Two customers.
Made it just in time, huh?
Herbie, come this way.
- It's the wrong section.
- It looks like our seats.
Yeah, those are
first-class seats.
What's the matter?
We're not first class?
But our boarding things
here say...
I don't care what the boarding things
say. Will you sit down.
- Yeah, but these could belong to somebody else.
- Relax, will ya?
I mean, the doors are closed.
It's not like we're gonna be stopping
on 34th Street to pick up passengers.
- Okay, Charlie.
- Gentlemen?
- Thank you.
- Ah, thank you.
Thank you very much.
- Sir?
- I may become a frequent flyer.
Damn good mimosa.
Here's to good living, kid.
Okay, okay.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Okay, now.
Thank you very much.
Okay, now begins the first leg
of our honeymoon.
It's only a year late.
Mmm, I'd like to make a small bet
on where they're gonna be sitting.
There's Mom. Say hi, Mom.
Stop it, will you, Allan?
And my beautiful bride.
Let me see here.
Excuse me.
I believe you're sitting in our seats.
Yeah, that figures.
- I'm sorry.
- That's all right. I'm sorry. See what you do?
- May I see your boarding passes, please?
- Actually, it's my fault.
The doctor here thought it would
be best if I were not subjected...
to the stress
of economy class.
37-H and J. You gentlemen
will have to pay for these drinks.
Maybe Blue Cross
could cover it.
That's...
That's very funny, ma'am.
Very witty.
Hey.
Aren't those the seats they use
for transporting convicted felons?
Herbie, sit down.
You're scaring the kids.
Ladies and gentlemen, in a few minutes...
we'll begin our nonstop express service
to Miami, Florida.
- Our flight time will be
approximately five hours.
Welcome aboard
the beautiful M.S. Westerdam.
- Your cabin stewards are happy to
meet any special needs.
- So do not hesitate to ask for their assistance.
- Boy, oh, boy.
And please note, there will be a compulsory
lifeboat drill today at 5:30 p.m.
Oh, Mr. Leu.
Back again.
Nice to see you
and the lovely Mrs...
Oh, no. It's someone else,
isn't it? Hello!
I'd like you to meet
my dance hosts... Mac...
- Jonathan.
- Come on!
Please report
to the purser's desk. Mr. Dunbar...
Herbie, listen to me. I wanted
to tell you something before you...
- Herbie...
- Oh, wow.!
I tell you something, Charlie.
When they say "deluxe accommodations,"
they mean deluxe.
Yeah, well, Herbie, "deluxe"
can mean several different things.
For example, in a diner, deluxe means
"comes with french fries. "
- Come on.
- This is it. Oh, Ma!
This is gorgeous!
What a suite. Oh!
- Hi.!
- Hello, ladies.
I want those small pieces in the bedroom.
Who the hell are you?
- Lizzy!
- What, Ma?
Get a load of slouchy here.
What, does he come with the stateroom?
Ma! Where's your hospitality?
Now, listen!
I have been on a plane for three hours.
I have been in a taxi cab
for an hour and a half.
I need to take a crap and a nap,
and I do not need an audience.
- Sounds like a party we can miss.
- We'll see you later, ladies.
Bye now.
Oh, boy. Did you see the chassis
on that broad?
I'll bet she's worth
a few mil.
This must be wrong. I mean,
why would they have us way down here?
I like it down here. Gives us a chance
to get away from the commotion up top.
What, like the other
passengers and the view? This is us.
Listen to me. I've been meaning
to tell you something.
Before you go into the room,
Herbie, please listen to me.
- Cozy, isn't it?
- It's what? Cozy?
A good fart will
give you a concussion.
Needs a little daylight.
Herb, this is the best possible thing
that could've happened.
Gee, I can't wait
to hear why.
- As dance hosts, it's actually our job...
- What?
- To flirt with all the classy broads.
- Our job? Dance hosts?
Yeah, that's how I was able
to afford the tickets.
Instead of paying for the cruise,
I signed us up as dance hosts.
- So the cruise is free.
- What do you mean it's free, you idiot?
- We're workin' here!
- We're not workin'.
We're dancing and cavorting.
Oh, you moron. You don't even
know how to dance.
Well, that's why
I brought you here.
Oh. Perhaps we're interrupting
you gentlemen at a bad time.
Welcome aboard.
We're gonna be sharing the bathroom.
This is Jonathan Deveraux.
I'm Mac Vela, U.S.M.C., retired.
- I'll be your liaison to the C.D.
- The what "D"?
Cruise director.
Gil Godwyn.
Oh, it's too bad you got Gil
for your first gig.
- He's a real prick.
- Control freak.
- Friggin' Nazi.
- Classic megalomaniac.
Not a nice man.
Well, if you have
any questions, feel free.
I got one question.
What's the fastest route off this ship?
Excuse me.
- Hiya.
- Hello.
- Okay, Chief. Let's pull the gangway in.
- Take in the gangway, Captain.
All visitors should
now be ashore. Last call, please.
All visitors
should now be ashore.
Pardon me!
Ohh!
Oh, my God.
Sir, are you okay?
- Yeah, I think.
- There you go. You sure?
Thank you. Yeah.
- God, that's embarrassing.
- Only for you.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
The ship's moving.
- Ships are known to do that.
- Wait a minute! I need that gangplank!
Please.! Hello.! Somebody.!
I gotta use that sucker.!
L... I've gotta...
Hello.!
Where the hell did they go
with my luggage?
Oh, God Almighty. Thank you very much.
What's the matter with you?
- You got a problem?
- Not really.
L- I always cry at sailings.
They're so romantic.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Please join your cruise
staffby the Lido Pool...
on the upper promenade deck aft
for the gala sail-away fiesta.
Meet your cruise director and enjoy
the music and drinks and prizes.
Herbie.
Herbie, I know you're upset now,
but in a few days...
you'll be thanking me.
Listen, Charlie.
What is in this for you?
Now, tell me, and no shit
because I'm too tired.
Okay, fine. You remember
my old pal Tony? Tony.
- Anthony Caldoni?
- Yeah.
The mail fraud guy.
First of all,
those charges were dropped.
But more importantly,
guess what he's doing today?
I don't give a rat's ass.
He's married to one
of the richest broads in Palm Beach.
And guess how they met?
One, two, cha-cha-cha.
- One, two...
- No way, Jose.
Just wake me up at the first port of call.
That's where I'm gettin' off.
- I hate to see you do this, Herbie.
- Why is that, Charles?
Because if you don't dance,
you lose your employee status...
and that means you gotta pay for the whole
cruise... that's 2,500 smackaroonies.
You son of a bitch! You're the one
who should be paying.
Will the dance hosts
please report to the main ballroom.
Herbie, they're playing our song.
Ahem.!
Very nice hair.
Right.
Nails. Cut 'em. Uh!
Let me. Thank you.
Excellent, Mac.
Jonathan, clip the ear hair.
- I beg your pardon?
- Ear hair!
I'm very skeptical of dance hosts
who can't keep time.
- Mister...
- Me? Sullivan, Herb.
- Uh, and that's Gordon, Charles.
- Lovely.
Sorry we were late, but,
uh, it's a very big boat.
This boat... happens to be
the flagship vessel...
of the world's premiere cruise line,
and I am the cruise director.
Sir, yes, sir!
I've a feeling you two
are going to be trouble.
- Oh...
- No. We're pussycats.
For your sake,
I hope...
Is that cologne
or Armor All?
That's close, close. It's cologne,
but I bought it at a gas station.
I've got my eye on you.
You're not so bad yourself.
All right.
Gentlemen, we're
30 seconds from intros.
Now, remember that you
are the representatives of this ship...
and will, at all times, behave
in a manner appropriate thereto.
You will be courteous
and respectful at all times.
When the music stops, you will
escort your partner back to her seat.
And above all, you will not
fraternize privately...
with the guests
at any time.
- Uh, no.
- If you do, it's grounds for immediate dismissal.
Permission to speak, sir.
Denied. Mac, mike.
- Who's Mac Mike?
- I don't know.
Ohh, yes!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the M. S. Westerdam proudly presents...
your cruise director...
the very talented...
Mr. Gil Godwyn!
Thank you!
Can't believe it. The man
actually opens for himself.
Thank you so very much.
Aren't they absolutely marvelous?
Thank you. Thank you.
- Very good. Very good.
- Thank you.
- Very good. Very good.
- Magnificent.
Moving experience.
Thank you so much.
You're too kind, really.
Thank you, girls.
What could his parents
have possibly done to him?
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to introduce our dance hosts.
Here they are... Mac,
Jonathan, Phil...
- How do you like him?
- Oh, he's too short.
Julio...
- Bobby, Scott,
- Me! Me!
Herb and Ch... Ch...
Ch... Charlie!
Charlie!
Hey, Charlie.
Charlie.
- That guy Herb is cute, huh?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, let's get 'em while they're hot.
Just an expression.
Let's go.
It's just like
the beach at Normandy.
Gentlemen, I didn't hire you
to be wallflowers.
I don't want anyone on my ship
ever to feel ignored.
Mrs. Carruthers, may I
have the great pleasure?
Ah. Oh.
Kiss-ass.
Take it, fellas!
- I'm Mac. Welcome aboard.
- Thank you, Mac.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Where do you think you're going?
Oh, taking on a lot of water
in the forward compartment, sir.
Oh, God.
You have two minutes.
Go.
- Any time you're ready, Herb.
- Huh?
Silly old me. I do expect my dance
hosts to actually dance.
Well, of course, yeah. It's just that
I don't know if I'm up to...
I'll tell you the truth, Gil.
- I lost my wife not too long ago.
- Oh, good. Good.
Tell it to the ladies.
They eat it up.
Um, do I take a number
or, uh...
may I serve myself?
Yeah. Well, I'm
kind of new at this.
Well, you can dance,
can't you?
Ohh!
Oh, you can dance.
Ohh!
Oh, I sure hope
these pins hold.
- What pins?
- Oh, nothing serious.
They just keep my legs
attached to my hips.
Da-da
- Have you ever seen so much food in your life?
- Spectacular!
I was a size four
when I got on this ship.
Excuse me for butting in, but don't
I know you from someplace?
- W-Well, I don't know...
- Pardon me.
Uh...
That's a good smoke.
Sometimes.
Whoo-hoo.!
- I like it.
- Bravo.
Oh, thank you very much.
Is there a seat open there?
- Oh, yes, of course.
- Well, sure.
- Pull up a chair.
- Here we go.
- Looks like it's your lucky night, kid.
- It is that. It is.
Luck had absolutely
nothing to do with it.
She played that hand splendidly.
Absolutely splendidly.
- Why, thank you.
- That's okay. You can drop the accent now.
You want a refill
on this, kid?
- Your glass was empty.
- Oh, thanks.
Name's Charlie Gordon.
I'm single and I'm lookin'.
Liz LaBreche. I'm single and I ain't
lookin', but thanks for the drink.
- Cheers.
- You're welcome.
- They call me Gordo on the street.
- What street is that, Gordo?
Wall Street.
You ever hear of it?
What exactly do you do
on Wall Street?
Well, I have a small
hot dog stand.
When things go badly
over there...
I'm in the mergers
and acquisitions game.
The buy-in's $1,000.
A thousand dollars. That reminds me
of my first year of college.
Where exactly did you
go to college, Gordo?
Oh, that's a little place
called F.U.
- Your name, sir, is...
- Carswell.
Now, boys, boys, boys.
Let's not have a pissin' match here.
We're here to play cards.
Let's play.
Yes, we're here
to play poker...
if you can raise
the thousand dollars.
Oh, a thousand dollars. May I have
that deck for a minute, please?
I'll give it right back to you.
I just want to take a look.
I'll bet you $5,000
even money...
top card's a picture.
- Even money?
- Yes, sir.
- You've got yourself a bet.
- Okay.
Turn it over.
You owe me $5,000.
That was a lot of fun.
I'll tell you what...
let's go again for 10, huh?
You don't have to
if you don't want to.
If you want to quit right now, it's okay
with me. I'll give you the five grand.
Let's make it 20.
Yes. Yes. I like that.
Now we're having some fun.
Twenty?
You want to bet $20,000
the top card is not a picture?
You've got a deal.
Okay, boy.
$20,000. Turn it over.
Turn it over, please.
Whew.
That's very interesting.
Oh, boy, is that interesting.
You want to
double it again?
Yes.
Enough of this child's play.
I owe you $15,000.
- All right.
- Let's play poker.
Okay. Here we go.
That's a lot of fun.
- I'm gonna get a brownie.
- A brownie? Yeah.
- L...
- Oh. Sorry.
We shall have to call the Guinness Book
of Records about your friend Charlie.
Now what?
- He's taking the longest piss in recorded freaking history.
- Oh.
There's a lady at table 16 who's arrived
late. I suggest you welcome her.
Okay. Where's table 16?
Over there.
Oh, what a lovely room.
- Oh, that, uh... that... lady.
- Mm-hmm.
Hi there. Excuse me.
- Hello.
- Nice to see you're still on board.
Thank you. I just wondered
if you'd care to dance.
Actually, I've seen you move. How do I
know you won't trip and drag me overboard?
Well, you don't.
But I swim even better
than I dance.
- Go for it, Mom.
- I promise I won't bite.
Here goes nothing.
I haven't danced
in a long time.
Slow, slow,
quick-quick.
Don't look down.
Look at me. That's it.
Honey, tell me I did the right thing
by bringing Mom along.
You did the right thing.
Mmm. Now let's go sneak inside
one of those lifeboats.
You and whoever
you used to dance with...
you must have been
great together.
Now promenade.
Yeah, that would be Suzie and me.
We danced all night long
at our wedding...
and it seems like we never
stopped dancing for 46 years.
- What a lovely image.
- Oh, thank you.
Now tell me all about you.
Everything.
- Everything?
- Sure.
- It's only a 10-day cruise. - Well,
give me the Reader's Digest version.
Okay.
- I live in New York.
- Yeah.
- I was a book editor at Doubleday.
- Ooh.
- Mother of two.
- Mm-hmm.
Recent widow of one.
And I was... I was shanghaied here
by... by newlyweds.
- Oh.
- Mmm.
- The bride is my daughter.
- Oh, well, I'm sure that she meant well.
- I'm sure.
- Are you having any fun?
- I don't know yet.
- Well, whad'ya know.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That was, uh, fun.
- Yeah.
- Doctor...
- Oh, uh, Sullivan. Call me Herb.
- Vivian.
I could use a little fresh air.
- Join me?
- Ye... Oh.
- Well, I'd love to.
- I promise I won't bite.
You know something? I'm gonna go along
with you in case you change your mind.
Are you getting
enough zeroes in there?
- Eighteen thousand.
- Thank you.
Enjoying the company
of a stunning lady...
is all I wish to take away
from this table, sir.
Mere confetti.
Confetti, sir.
- Excuse me.
- Very, very nice.
I once heard that if a whale
loses its mate...
it never takes another.
Do you suppose that could really happen?
I haven't spoken
to a lot of whales lately, but...
hell, if it was perfect
the first time, then...
My feelings...
My feelings exactly.
Ooh.
Better not fall
on our heads.
What, this? Oh, no, that's
50-gauge cable.
Hell, that could hold a couple
of elephants playing patty-cake.
Either you know your elephants
or you know your cable.
I was a swabbie.
Pacific area.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Did you ever have to get in one of those?
- No, ma'am.
Thank God.
Matowski did though.
- Who?
- Ensign Myron Matowski.
He was nuts about this Filipino girl,
and her parents objected...
so one night they put her in a boat
to send her to another island.
Matowski hijacks one of these lifeboats,
gets in there...
whoosh... out he goes,
sends up a flare.
He damn near started
a naval battle.
- Did she see the flare?
- Are you kidding?
The last I heard, they were workin' on
their sixth grandchild...
and she had her own brand of applesauce.
So... So tell me...
how does a swabbie
become a doctor?
A what?
Yeah.
L- I wanted to explain
that to you.
- You don't have to explain.
- Yes... No, I wanted to... explain it.
- That's...
- Well, would you like to walk me to my cabin?
Yeah, I would,
but I-I-I ca-ca-can't.
I can take a hint.
No. What hint?
I promised a couple of chest butchers
that I'd have a brandy with them.
Right.
Chest butchers?
What the hell kind
of a moron are you?
Now, why would you go
and do something like that?
- To impress you.
- Oh!
Oh. Well, keep it up.
It just might work.
Mr. Gordon.!
What you do, like samurai.
Great style.
You have
most terrible accent.
- Where you learn Japanese?
- Okinawa.
- Oh.
- It's a small sushi joint on the Sunset Strip.
Where were you?
A passenger requested
an escort, sir.
- Fraternizing.
- Nobody "fratted" anybody.
- All we did was... Oh, my God.
- Don't tell me that.
Coming through, please.
Injured man here. Injury.
Well, if it isn't the Phantom
of the Ballroom.
I oughta sue you guys.
Everything around here
is so slippery and wet.
- It's an ocean liner.
- I may never dance again.
Aga... I haven't
seen you dance yet.
Fortunately for you,
I found the infirmary.
The infirmary is closed
at this hour.
- That's what I found out.
- Look, let...
Let me... Let me speak
candidly, gentlemen.
I am this close
to a promotion...
that would make me
vice president of entertainment.
Wow.
I intend to get that job...
by showing how well I can keep
two old dickheads like you in line.
- Oh, now, listen, you...
- No, you listen.
Don't mess with me.
I'm your worst nightmare.
A song-and-dance man
raised on a military base.
Dismissed.
Hoo.!
Now, you seem to be
annoyed with me, Herbie.
Tell me if I'm wrong.
And what's this about you
leaving the dance floor?
None of your business.
None of my business.
How do you like that?
- Why are you sterilizing your trousers?
- I'm steaming them.
Oh. Then what are you gonna do,
eat 'em with garlic butter?
It takes the wrinkles out,
you imbecile!
Huh. A man who's steaming
his pants at midnight.
- That generally means there's a broad.
- No broad.
Well, that's too bad,
because I got one lined up.
Rich. Texas rich.
With an ass so beautiful...
it's a shame she
has to sit down on it.
Will you do me a favor and
just knock that stuff off?
I'm sorry.
I forgot you were cooking.
Now that you've got this girl, how long
is it gonna be before she finds out...
you're not the man
she thought you were?
- By then, she'll be in love.
- In love with a lie.
Nobody's perfect.
I think a man should always tell a woman
the truth before she falls in love.
Otherwise, how do you
know it's real?
What's real is, if I play my cards right,
I'll wind up on easy street.
Once I'm there,
I'm inviting you over every Sunday.
- I don't want to have
anything to do with this.
- Okay, then don't come over.
She thinks I'm a doctor.
- Who?
- Oh, nobody.
You met a broad.
Da-da
Y- You're crazy. Years of insanity
have made you crazy.
- Do I look crippled or not?
- Yeah, crippled up here.
Oh, cut it out!
Most of you will work the dance class
from 10:00 to 11:00...
and the wine and cheese
tasting from 12:00 to 1:00.
Please use moderation.
The last thing I need is flatulating
dance hosts staggering about the ship.
I bet his father was cruise director
on the Bismarck.
Think of yourselves...
as butterflies, gentlemen...
and our guests as flowers.
Your job is to pollinate the flowers
with hospitality.
This guy's been at sea
too long.
And if you screw up,
I am personally going to see to it...
that you are removed from the ship and
charged the full round-trip passage...
of $5,462.51 as indicated
in your contracts.
What the hell is...
Five thou... Five thousand?
You told me 2,000!
As for you, Mr. Gordon, Dr. Johanson
will see you at 1100 hours sharp.
I don't think that's necessary, sir.
The foot just needs rest.
You will remain off
your... injured foot...
until Dr. Johanson says otherwise.
Are we clear?
Yes, sir. Clear!
Extremely clear, sir.
Brilliant.
Dismissed.
All passengers
disembarking at Playa del Carmen...
please report
to tender deck, midship.
Those of you attending the festival
must board the fiesta bus at 4:10.
Remember, the last tender...
will return from shore
at 4:30.
Well... look who's here.
Flowers and all.
I'll bet they're for me.
- Who else would they be for?
- Save it... Hoss.
- Come on in.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Sure appreciate it.
You know, the first day you was in here,
sniffing around like a yard dog?
I knew you'd be back.
Ma, for the love of Pete.!
- Who's Pete? My competition?
- That's right.
And guess who I'm rootin' for?
- Oh, Charlie!
- Hi.
- Oh, it's so nice to see you.
- Oh, yeah.
Are these for me?
- No.
- No?
- Oh, yes!
- Ohh.
They're just beautiful.
I didn't want to be
too showy.
Oh, well, yours are very tasteful.
Thank you, Charlie.
- Thank you.
- I have to get dressed.
Why don't you talk to Ma?
Ma'll keep you company. Excuse me.
- Okay.
- I want you to behave yourself, Charlie.
You see, I saw the way you were starin'
at my daughter's... chest.
- Oh, I used to be a cardiologist.
- Really?
So I'm almost ready.
Charlie, would you like
to walk with me?
- I'd be delighted.
- Oh, thank you.
- Ma, we'll see you later.
- Have fun.
I'll try to find a shot glass
for those flowers.
- She's darling, isn't she?
- That's Ma.
- Oh, there you are.
- Hello.
We really must hurry.
The bus is leaving in 10 minutes.
- Hello there, sport.
- Hello.
- Why don't you come with us?
- I've been told that the tour is full.
Oh, about those flowers...
thank you so much.
They're beautiful. I love them.
See you later?
- Have a good day, Gordo.
- Ta-ta.
There's something about that man
I really don't like.
- Don't you agree?
- That you don't like him?
I'd agree with that.
Ha-ha!
They call this dancing?
I did this in line at the A&P.
Well, the view is right.
- I used to have an ass like that.
- Guys, pay attention.
Would you mind
standing back, please?
Let me show you how
this is done, okay?
Ship-to-shore call
for Mr. Cullen Carswell.
That's you!
That sounds excitin'.
I'm sorry, Liz. I'll try
to wrap it up quickly.
- Why don't I just go ahead
and I'll save you a seat?
- All right.
- Ship-to-shore for Carswell.
- Oh, yes, sir.
It's an overseas call
from Mr. Donald Trump.
He's calling from Zurich.
Says it's urgent.
Is there a telephone handy
with some privacy?
You can take it in the second booth
there on your right.
Thank you.
Hello. This is Cullen Carswell.
I'll take my call now.
- One moment, sir.
- Hello.
Hello, Mr. Carswell. Hello.
- Who is this?
This is the international
operator.
I have momentarily
lost your congestion.
Please hold
for Mr. Trump.
Yes, I'll hold,
but please hurry.
- Are you holding, sir?
- Yes, yes, I'm holding.
Is this Mr. Car-smell?
Carswell!
Yes.
Please hold.
Don't go away.
All passengers
traveling to the festival...
must board the fiesta bus at wharf 10
for immediate departure.
- This is the last call.
- Hey!
I figured I'd see if there were
any no-shows. Where's your friend?
You just don't give up,
do you?
Mmm.
Oh, look at those.!
- Don't you just love horses, Charlie?
- Only when they win.
- You've never done any
real gambling, have you?
- For how much?
I'm not talking about money.
I'm talking about life gambling.
You've never been married,
have you?
- In what sense?
- I knew it. I knew it.
I'm waiting for
my sexual prime.
Just when do you think
that's gonna happen?
In about five minutes.
That's it.
Get the hips going.
Get that Cuban motion going.
Ladies under. Very nice. Good.
Come back around.
- Mom, give me a break.
- Shelly, give me a break.
I danced with the man
one time.
- And you were glowing like Miss Arkansas.
- So I had fun.
Herb's a wonderful dancer.
But he's a doctor,
and you know I hate doctors.
Now, moving to the side.
Hips going.
- There's a class. Let's go join the class.
- Oh, I...
- It'll be fun.
- Well...
- You love dancing!
- Under-arm turn, gentlemen.
- All right.
- Let the ladies under.
- That's it.
- Oh, you guys are getting so good.!
Your turn, madame.
Oh!
Excellent! Now, try everything
that we practiced today.
Okay. Goodjob, everybody.
How 'bout a wonderful hand
for our dancers?
It says that it's a festival,
a sacrifice to purge themselves...
of all sins and evil
before the eclipse.
I'm so excited.
I've never seen an eclipse before.
- Is that right?
- Never seen one.
- I seen one once.
- Really?
But I think the moon
got in the way.
Yes!
Oh. Here we go.
Here we go.
Look how happy they are
that we're here!
La, la-la, la-la
What are you doin'?
Oh, I... I'm looking at this
for a possible suit.
Oh!
Charlie, what are you doing? I want
to stay here and dance with my friends.
- Come with me.
- La-la, la-la
Come with me,
con permiso.
La-la, la-la
- Watch out!
- You stay here. I'll be right back.
- I gotta see a man about a dog.
- Take your time.
La-la, la-la
Mucho viejo. Gracias.
Gil, I've been talking
to the board...
about hiring a vice president
of entertainment.
Interesting.
Listen, is there a way out of here
besides the door?
Oh, yes. S, s, s.
Down the drain.
Ah, ha-ha-ha-ha.
Very funny, pal.
Very funny.
Listen, pal, I need to borrow your mask
for a few minutes.
- Get lost, pops.
- Wait. I'll let you have this.
It's a genuine Rolex.
Please, mister.
This ain't a Rolex.
It says "Romex. "
What, you're gonna make a federal case
out of one lousy letter?
They don't make
Romexes anymore.
- This is a collector's item.
- Beat it.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I haven't had a chimichanga in years.
Would you mind... Would you
pardon me for just one moment?
- What?
- Eh, nature, you know.
- Sorry.
- Oh.
Perdname. Perdname.
- You...
- Do you want to buy a Rolex?
Comin' through.
Qu pasa, seor?
What's goin' on here?
Parrot coming through.
Parrot here. Parrot.
Con permiso. Con permiso.
Gil! Whoo-hoo!
Ah.! Leave her alone
for five seconds.
I'm gettin' a little dizzy
in here with all this...
Let me outta here.!
Are you people insane?
Oh, no.!
What do you do
with the bull?
Holy "shaxamahnee'!
Oh, my God!
I'm the parrot!
I see trouble!
Hey, seor.
Hey, pal.
Gil.! Wait.!
All right, mister.
I've got you!
Oh, sorry. I thought you were...
Oh, my God!
- Charlie.
- Let's go.
- Why are we going now?
- Now is the time to loot the shops.
- We are witnessing history here.
- I've seen history. It stinks.
No, stop!
There's a fire there! Can't you see?
My head's on fire!
Help me!
Stop this cow instantly!
Well, hello.
Stuff works wonders for groin pain.
Cheers to you all.
- I've dug all over Guatemala
and all over Honduras.
- Really?
It-It's just... The whole culture
is so interesting...
- so fascinating and...
- Oh, uh, Vivian.
- Herb. What a lovely surprise.
- I know what you're thinking.
- This is my new friend, Sebastian.
- Hello.
He just gave a brilliant lecture on the
significance of the solar eclipse...
...in Mayan mythology.
- What?
- Mayan mythology will tell you...
that an eclipse isn't
really an eclipse at all...
but rather a birth... or an unveiling,
if you will... of a new sun...
- or a new life...
- Fascinating. Herb is a doctor.
- And apparently a dance
host on the side.
- I tried to explain this to you.
- Explain what?
I think you did your job
very well.
- Who is he?
- I don't know.
-I've seen him somewhere.He looks familiar.
- Not to me.
- My husband was in the oil business
with my dad.
If Daddy trusted him,
I figured I could trust him too.
- So, what happened?
- Well, as it turned out...
there were a lot of test wells
he was drillin' on the side.
- You should've had him neutered.
- Oh, I did.
- Except I used an attorney
instead of a doctor.
For lending a helping hand.
Thank you, chappies.
Thank you so very much.
Oh! What's the matter?
- Are you all right?
- Old football injury.
- College?
- No. Professional.
TheJets blew a 30-point lead
against the Dolphins...
- and I tried to throw
my TV set out the window.
You're in pain. I'll get help.
No! Wait, wait!
- What are you doing? - I wanna
hear more about your ex-husband.
You... What?
How can...
- What seems to be the trouble?
- Oh!
- His back went out,
and I think he needs some help.
- Would you help me get him
on the deck chair?
- Of course.
- God bless you,sir,whosoever you may be.
- Oh, careful. Oh!
If you go
in this direction...
Oh.! What are you doin'?
I have to get the wind
from the east.
- He has to get
the wind from the east.
Now, fortunately,
I'm a retired doctor. Aren't we lucky?
Huh?
- And chiropractics is my specialty.
- It's lucky for me.
- Are you his wife?
- Oh, no. I'm just his friend.
She's just a friend.
You tell me where the pain is.
- It's okay. It's better now.
- Well,I think we may need a little adjustment.
- I don't need...
An adjustment!
- Uh-huh! A problem
in the lumbar region.
No. My "lumber" is all right.
Don't worry about...
Can you feel anything?
Uh, what are you...
Ah! That should
relieve some tension.
- Uh, what the hell are you doin'?
- Now, just breathe normally.
Go on.
I haven't done
anything yet. Uh!
- Do you feel better, my friend?
- I'm gonna get you.
What? A present?
Oh, don't be silly.
Just to lighten the suffering of my fellow
human beings is reward enough for me.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Why don't you go.
I'll just rest up here a little while.
Oh, I-I just can't
leave you like this.
- Sure, you can.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah. You go on.
- Actually, I was gonna meet...
...some friends in the casino.
Besides, I like
lying here on the couch.
It's the puppy dog in me.
All right.
I'll see you later.
See you later.
- All right.
- Bye.
"Must be the puppy dog
in me. "
You are in over your head, kid.
- What is that supposed to mean?
- I saw the way you looked at her.
She's a beautiful woman with a lot of
money. How do you want me to look at her?
- I think you care about her.
- Give me a break, will ya?
Oh, boy. I'm gonna sue you
for malpractice.
I saved your ass
is what I did.
Ah.
Gil, baby.
I was wondering...
Oh, shut up.
Tonight, you will dance
every dance.
You will be charming,
attentive, light of foot.
- And I will be watching.
- Yes, sir!
Have Dr. Johanson
look at that eye, Sullivan.
Jesus, Herbie, we've been
pals for such a long time.
Give me a break,
will ya?
- The answer is no.
- If I don't dance, they'll throw me off the ship.
I'll teach you how to swim.
I won't teach you how to dance.
Herbie, please! Please, I beg you.
- Open up your heart.
- Will you knock it off?
- Open your heart to a sad,
frightened old man.
Slow, slow. Quick-quick.
Slow, slow.
Quick-quick.
There you go.
Slow...
Whatever happened
to slow, slow, quick-quick?
You're-You're very much
like a crane.
Slow, slow.
Quick-quick.
Do it.
Slow, slow.
Quick... Oh, God.
Try it. Left, right.
Together.
Aha. Bingo.
Left.
Right. Together.
Very strange.
Okay. This is
the grapevine.
Cross, behind, together.
Slow, slow. Quick-quick.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two, three,
cha-cha.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One...
Okay, now wait a minute.
Let's try...
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two...
Uh, that's very...
What the hell is that?
Guys do this all the time
on the streets...
and-and people
throw money at them.
You're not gettin'
a nickel outta me.
Wait a minute.
This is wrong.
- You're leading.
- I'm supposed to lead. I'm a man.
- Kiss me.
- All right. You lead.
And on the CD...
No. No, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
- Uh, see, he's, uh... I'm-I'm...
- It's my first time.
- Oh.
- Dancing, that is, see.
Yeah. We're just friends.
Good pals, buddies.
- Oh. Yes, of course.
- Don't ask, don't tell.
Yeah.
- Is that a waiter's jacket?
- How can you tell?
You got stains
all over the sleeve.
You got parsley down your back.
Fits like a pup tent.
- Are you kidding...
- Ah! Good evening, gentlemen.
Time to face the music, eh, Charlie?
Hey, let-let's face.
Once again, your host...
the very talented
Mr. Gil Godwyn.!
Ladies and gentlemen...
here we are,
under the stars...
in the moonlight,
out on the open sea.
Let's get ready...
to rhum-ba.
Ooh. We're going
to rhum-ba.
He's demented.
You're on, champ.
Care to dance, madam?
Oh, yes. Yes, I'd love to.
Don't slouch.
Have you been hosting
for long?
This is my 23rd run,
ma'am.
I started out giving ballroom exhibition.
Shorten your steps.
You're doing very well, madam,
but don't rush it.
- You see, the rhumba is more
of a walk than a dance.
- Oh, shit!
- Beg-Beg your pardon?
Oh. Uh, hit.
This song was a big hit.
- What...What does that
have to do with the rhumba?
- Absolutely nothing.
- Look out.
- You said it was a walk.
It's a fast walk.
Ow!
Oh, God.
Oh! What... What do you call this step?
- This is the Brazilian creep.
- Oh.
- In Brazil, of course,
it's just called "the creep. "
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh. Whoa.
Oh! Oh!
- Uh! Oh! I'm so sorry.
- Ow.
- No. It's our fault.
- Sorry.
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Do you have any idea whom you've just
assaulted on the dance floor?
Oh, Miss Carruthers,
I don't know what...
I feel... ravaged.
Thank you.
I'm Ellen Carruthers.
Oh. You're the dame that
owns this little boat.
Excuse me.
Uh, duty calls.
Can I get you
anything, miss?
All over Honduras. You wouldn't believe
what happened. There were 40,000 people...
So. It's the broad
that stole our airplane seats.
- That broad happens to have
been an editor at Doubleday.
- Who cares?
All I was
was a clerk at Gimbel's.
And Secretariat
was just a horse.
- Go on. Ask her to dance.
- Aw, it's too late, Charlie.
There's no such thing as "too late. "
That's why they invented death.
Dance!
By the Inquisition,
they were burned.
So now, some people argue,
that they invented the ladle.
But the ancient drawings indicate
that the Mayans were using...
- a large perforated scooping utensil.
- Excuse me.
Um, I'm gonna go
drop the anchor on my toe.
- I'll go with you.
- You're leaving?
Anyway, what is really important is that
when I shone the light in the cave...
there it was on the wall...
the ladle.
- Vivian?
- Which proved beyond a reasonable doubt?
Excuse me. L-I would really be very
honored if you would care to join me.
I've already
danced this dance.
Yes, well, I-I- I was hoping
you might want to try it again.
You know, a, uh,
an archaeologist in Reykjavk...
...claims that the Incas
actually did a form of the hustle.
- What?
- You-You never heard of that?
I mean, it was a... - You win.
Excuse us.
You dance much better
than you lie.
Well, uh, lying is new to me.
I've been dancing most of my life.
Hmm. Did you start dancing
before or after medical school?
Oh, you're a funny lady.
I'm also
a very serious lady...
especially when
I'm lied to.
Hey, I didn't lie to you.
My friend did.
Well, you could've
told me the truth.
- Well, maybe I was afraid.
- Afraid of what?
Well, that you would,
uh, laugh or be disappointed.
- About what?
- Aw, hell, I don't know.
- Well, tell me now.
- Tell you what?
- Try the truth.
- Well, the truth is...
I was just a clerk
at Gimbel's for 35 years...
till they damn well
went out of business.
And I got roped into
this stupid dance-host thing...
by that lunatic there,
over there.
Just...
What happened?
- Wait a second.
- Why? So I can make a fool of myself again?
I didn't think I'd ever
kiss anybody that way again.
Neither did I.
- I need to step outside.
- We are outside.
I knew that.
But won't... won't you
get in trouble...
I mean, if someone
should see us like this?
- Oh, well, they could throw me overboard.
- I'd miss you.
Yeah?
Why don't we watch the, uh, eclipse
together tomorrow?
- All right.
- Yeah. We could go in separate buses...
...to Chichn Itz and meet at a caf.
- What caf?
- Well, it's a town. There must be a caf.
I'll find it, and...
and you'll find me.
Oh.
- It's been my pleasure, ma'am.
- Oh, thank you very much.
Hey, Gil,
I loved the number.
Oh. Thank you.
There are almost a dozen
in the fleet now.
This is the baby,
my little jewel.
- Madam?
- Well, hello there.
Oh, how do you do?
Mr. Godwyn asked me to give you this.
Oh, thank you.
Would you excuse me,
please?
- How charming you look tonight.
- Thanks.
- Oh, Mr. Godwyn.
- Why aren't you dancing?
Because Mrs. Carruthers...
asked me to give you a message.
- Really.
- Yes. I have a feeling, sir...
that you're gonna get that promotion
you've been looking for.
Did... Did she say that?
She said she wants you
in her room...
A.S.P.C. A...
A.S.A.P.
Her room? Now?
Her exact words were...
Well, I don't remember them
off-hand, but, uh...
- Come on, man.
- Uh, "If not sooner. "
- Get on that dance floor.
- Yes, sir.
- Hi there.
- Yes?
Gotta deliver Godwyn's shirts
to his room.
- Oh, you need the key.
- I'm not gonna slip them under the door.
They'll get wrinkled.
Hello, hello, hello.
Oh, hello. You sure made
a fast recovery, didn't you?
Nothing like being young.
Why do you look at me as though
I were nothing but trouble?
- I like trouble.
- I like you too.
- How about a game of poker?
- Poker, okay.
But I gotta warn you, Carswell. This time,
I'm not tearing up any of your checks.
Domo.
I think you're a phony, chum,
and I'm going to prove it.
- Oh, boy.
- Nice to see you're relaxing tonight, Carswell.
- I beg your pardon?
- Take a hike. Hi.
To what do I owe
this pleasure?
- Two vodka stingers, and I lost my key.
- Oh.
- How about you?
- I work here.
You do?
Uh, do you do...
C.P.R.?
How does it go?
It's open.
Mrs. Carruthers?
Ellen.
Bit of bubbly?
Ace, queen bets.
I will check.
Check, check.
I check.
Two, please.
- I bet 20 grand.
- I'll take one.
- Hmm.
- Too rich for my blood.
I fold.
- Hmm.
- How much you bet?
- Twenty thousand dollars.
- Twenty thousand dollars.
Right.
Oopsy doopsy woopsy.
Call.
I'm out.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- You all right?
- Yes, of course I'm all right.
- Does anyone have a napkin or something?
- Card in sleeve. He's a cheat.
You were right, Mr. Gordon.
- Pretty sloppy, Carswell.
- That's disgusting.
- But to prove that he was a fraud.
I'm gonna overlook this whole thing
because you are an asshole.
Monsieur Gordon is right.
You are an asshole.
Gentlemen, I've never done anything
like this before in my life.
I'm afraid you'll have to leave
the casino, sir.
- Gentlemen, please believe me.
- It doesn't matter what we
believe, does it, Carswell?
Tra la.
All right. This hand is dead.
Everybody will get their money back.
- What say we go someplace
quiet for a night cap?
- Someplace quiet?
- Yeah.
- Right. Like your room, right?
- Wonderful suggestion.
- No.
No, that wasn't
my suggestion.
- Oh.
- Madam.
-Thank you. Oh,this is a nice suite,Charlie.
- Isn't that nice?
Charlie, about your cologne.
Oh, it's not cologne.
It's aftershave lotion.
You ever thought of,
uh, growing a beard?
- Oh, yeah. Sometimes.
- Oh. Uh-huh.
Uh...
Charlie?
Oh, Charlie.!
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
It should be another day
of calm seas and smooth sailing.
For your convenience, if you're in a hurry
to meet your shore tour for the eclipse...
Oh!
That's above and beyond
the call of duty.
Yeah. He should
make captain for that.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Oh!
Armor All?
I really had a good time
last night, Charlie.
- I really enjoyed myself.
- L-I... I just wanted...
Shh, shh.
You don't have to.
Oh. What happened
to the good-lookin' one?
This is
a good-lookin' one, Ma.
See you later.
Huh.
Yah! I'll race you
around the ship, pal.
Bravo! Bravissimo.!
Bravo!
After a lifetime of wandering
through the deserts of humanity...
- I find in you my oasis...
- That's terrible.
The doctors say I have
only a few more months.
Let's be married before
one more grain of sand...
flows through
the hourglass of mortality.
You barely know
this woman.
Liz, I would be honored
if you took my last name...
and put it
on your bank account.
That's the one.
All passengers
going ashore to view the eclipse...
please remember to wear
your protective eyewear.
Well, the one-ounce bottle
is beautiful.
- I'll take it.
- Okay.
I finally figured it out,
seeing you here in the gift shop.
Back at St. Vincent's? Seems like I was
always running into you in the gift shop.
St. Vincent?
Oh, my God.
It's Nurse Collins.
- Oh. I can't believe
that I didn't recognize you.
It's probably not one of your
better memories.
Oh, no, no. Come on.
Suzie was nuts about you.
- The feeling was mutual.
- Yeah.
You, on the other hand,
were a complete pain in the butt.
Yeah.
- I've got exactly 20 minutes.
How about a cup of coffee?
- Love it.
Passengers going ashore,
please report to tender deck, midship.
Even towards the end,
th-there were moments...
when-when...
when we both felt...
I don't know how...
That we weren't going
to let this thing beat us.
-Yeah.You guys were one of those couples.
- Yeah.
I remember on the last night... By
that time, there's so much medication...
who knows whether they understand
what's goin' on, but...
I remember you leaning
right down next to her ear...
telling her you'd be in love with her
always and forever.
Shejust had this...
I don't know.
It was like a light
in her eyes.
You knew she knew.
I shouldn't be saying this.
Oh, no, no.
It's nice, really.
It's fine. It's...
- Oh. Weren't you going ashore?
- Huh?
The eclipse.
I don't wanna miss it.
Oh, yeah.
Well, uh, listen, uh...
It-It was great...
- Oh.
- You know, seeing you.
Really. Very, very nice.
- Me too.
- Thank you.
The last tender
for shore departs in five minutes.
Please remember that all passengers
must return to ship by 4:30.
Liz, life drifts away...
- Like grains of sand
through an hourglass.
Charlie,I'm sorry.L-I...I just don't get
what you're trying to say to me.
- Liz.
- Yeah?
Even though we've only
known each other a short time...
That's true.
It's been short.
Liz, after a lifetime...
of going through a desert
of humanity, you...
Charlie! Charlie, Charlie!
Charlie, look!
Look! Look, Charlie!
It's happening,
and we're here to see it.
Even though...
Liz, will you listen to me for a minute?
- Even though we're like two ships
passing through the night...
- Why don't we get married, Charlie?
- Good idea.
Liz, will you marry me?
- Is that a yes?
- Yeah. That's a yes.
- Oh.
- I think we're missing it, sweetheart.
Always and forever, kiddo.
- Oh, no.
- Maybe he's in thejohn.
Mom?
- Hi. How'd it go?
- Great. We got it all on video.
Fine. I won't speak
for the rest of our marriage.
- Mom, how are you?
- I'm going home.
- All right, then we're gonna go with you.
- No. No. It's your anniversary.
- Celebrate it while you can.
- No,Mom,really.We can all go.That's fine.
I want to take care
of myself.
Do you understand?
I need to take care
of myself.
Explosions]
How'd it go
with Daddy Warbucks?
We're gettin' married.
Hot damn!
I knew we'd snag
one of'em.
Now here's
what we're gonna do.
We can plan a... What the hell's
the matter with you?
- Nothin'.
- Hallelujah.
I'm tellin' you, Liz,
we are in clover.
- What do you figure he's worth?
- I don't know. I don't care.
Well, I don't know...
but I do care.
We have spent our last two dimes
on this highfalutin' stateroom.
- Ma, I like him.
- Good for you.
He's... He's so sweet.
- And he's... He's... a decent man.
- Terrific.
And he makes me laugh.
You not only snagged yourself
a millionaire...
you're gonna have laughs
into the bargain.
Yeah.
The last tender
for shore departs in five minutes.
Please remember that all passengers
must return to ship by 4:30.
We will be raising the anchor at
5:00 p. m. And setting sail for Cozumel.
- Hell, he probably... He
probably changed his mind.
- No, Ma.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Oh, hi.
- Oh, you look enchanting.
- Oh, thank you.
Hello... Mother.
Charlie, don't
overshoot the runway.
I love family.
We'd better get goin'.
Oh, it's Mr. Gordon. Don't let this one
get away. He's a good one.
Mrs. Carruthers, Gil Godwyn,
this is Mavis and Liz "LaDreck. "
- LaBreche.
- How you doin'?
Hmm.
That's a familiar cologne, Mr. Gordon.
Yes. Thank you. You can
pick it up anywhere.
Matter of fact, I picked
some up this morning... on my pillow.
This guy's hilarious.
Liz, have you had the chance yet
of dancing with Mr. Gordon?
-No,not yet,but I'm looking forward to it.
-See you in the ballroom, Gordon...
with the rest
of the dance hosts.
With the rest
of the what?
Oh, he's always kidding around.
He thinks I should become a dance host.
Charlie, I'm confused here.
- You told me that you were
in mergers and acquisitions.
- Well, he is.
His job is to acquire a partner and
to merge with her on the dance floor.
Isn't that right, Gordon?
Liz, I was gonna
mention this to you.
That would have been
a good idea.
You see... Wait a minute, Liz.
Come back. Let me explain.
Where are you going,
Mother?
I hate losers.
Thanks a lot, pal.
Gil? What just happened?
- Well, where's your mother?
- She's not coming back on board.
You can tell your friend
she's going home.
- Where's my friend?
- Question of the day.
- What the hell are you doin' up here?
- Oh, hi.
Ah, Charlie, I'm...
I'm still in love with Suzie.
- It seems to present a problem.
- It's only a problem if you want it to be.
- Don't start with me, huh?
- Go on after Vivian. Go now.
- Look, I hardly know her.
- You know her, and you're crazy about her.
The question is, have you got the balls
to do anything about it?
- Well, I... I'm just not ready yet.
- Then get ready.
- You're here now. You're living.
You're breathing. You got a choice.
- I can't do it.
- Will you stop using Suzie as a safety net.
Wait a minute. Who in the hell
are you to tell me...
She was my sister
before she was your wife.
If she were here now,
she'd tell you the same thing.
But she is not here now,
is she, Charlie?
She's gone.
That's right, Herb,
but you're not.
- What the hell am I doin' here?
- That's what I asked you in the first place.
I am not authorized
to give you that information.
Hey, I'm not authorized to throw
your ass overboard, but I'll do it.
Now tell me
where she is.
You'd better tell him, mister. This man's
got a black belt in sum flung dung...
or one of them things.
Please.
All right, look. All I know is we got
a message that she's flying home.
- She's flying?
- Yes.
- From where?
- I have no idea.
All right, all right.
Stop the car. Stop the car.
Stop the car!
Stop... Stop the car.
Oh, my Lord!
Where in the...
Oh. Look, I don't think
you understand us at all.
We want to go
to the airport.
- S, seora. The airport.
- That thing?
- Oh, my Lord.
- I get the luggage.
No. Leave the luggage where it is, please.
Wait a minute.
I see somebody.
Right out of the corner of my eye.
Don't you move.
You stay right where you are.
Come on, dear.
Come on. Uh, excuse me,
but maybe you could help me.
This crazy cab driver's
tryin'to tell me that this is a...
- "aerioporto. "
- S.
- Ayayay.
-I don't believe this.I don't believe this.
All right, if this
is the "aerioporto... "
then maybe you can
show me a... a piloto.
- You're looking at him.
- What?
You want a lift,
sweetcakes?
- My God Almighty, did you
hear what he just called me?
- Sure did.
- Come on.
- Are you crazy? This is dangerous.
What's the matter, Charlie?
You afraid to live a little?
Living is good.
It's dying I'm worried about.
Where are Gordon and Sullivan?
And don't give me any of that
"code among comrades" crap.
Sir! Don't have
the foggiest. Sir!
Oh, bollocks!
Uh... Pardon me.
Pardon me.
This should be good.
- $500 cash.
- Are you out of your mind?
- That's too much money.
- That doesn't mean I ain't a good pilot.
Look at this. Look at this.
It's J.F.K. All of a sudden.
Buenas noches.
I have an idea, Ma.
Just stay with me.
Good evenin'. I don't know you,
but this man over here...
says that he will charge us $500
to get to a real airport.
Now, would you be interested
in splittin' that with us?
- Absolutely.
- You got a deal.
You wanna ride shotgun?
Don't touch me.
- Okay, get ready, kid.
- And where do we think we're going?
Oh, hi there. We're just gonna go
scouting for some icebergs.
You two geezers aren't going anywhere except
back to your cabin where you will stay...
Listen to me, you sniveling
little brownnose!
I have lived for 71 years,
I fought a war, I buried my wife...
and I have survived
48 white sales at Gimbel's.
So if you think that some little fop like you
is gonna stop me, you got another think comin!
How dare you
speak to me that way!
- May I speak to you for a moment, please?
- No, you may not!
Oh!
Way to go, Charlie!
I can't stop it, Charlie!
Hang on, Charlie!
We're gonna hit!
Bon voyage, meathead.
I hope your boat
capsizes...
and you drown
like bloody rats!
- Bye.!
- When that old bag makes me V. P...
I'll see to it you never work
another cruise ship...
as long as you live!
Hah!
Good evening, Ellen.
Eh...
- What are you doing out here?
- You know, Gil...
I find it hard to believe, but
it really is true. You are an asshole.
- Oh. I'm simply doing my job.
- Oh, you have no job.
You're fired.
Mac?
- As of now, you are my new C.D.
- No...
What about me?
You're...
his friend.
What the hell
is she talking about?
She's talkin' about
"button that button," you little prick.
Prick.
You know what
I don't see? Land.
- It's there.
- I see nothing but night.
Hope we don't get stranded.
You know, these are
shark-infested waters.
We're not
gonna get stranded.
They say that the big ones
will swallow you whole.
Swallow my what?
You're not helping me,
Charles.
- Here, let me do that.
- What makes you think you can do it?
- Because I'm taller than you are.
- Oh, that has nothin' to do with it, taller.
It's in...
It's in the wrist.
We did it.
- We did it.
- Yeah.
Well, it turns nicely.
Sit down, will ya, so I
can see where I'm goin'.
Eh!
- Are you from the cruise?
- Uh-huh.
- I thought so.
- Now, here he comes.
- Be careful. Watch your head.
- Good evening, ladies, and welcome aboard.
- Oh, my God.
- And thank you for choosing Vaya Azul.
Oh, my God.
Piece of shit.
Which one of the Wright brothers
did you buy this from?
Probably the one you
dated in high school.
Ooh! I feel so much better.
That's very reassuring.
We have a funny pilot!
Hold it! My God! What are you doing?
I wanna get out of here, Ma.
We're goin'!
We're goin'!
Take it easy now. Oh, my Lord!
There! A plane!
There's a plane.
- Is she in it?
- I don't know.
Do you see a telescope
attached to my head?
Oh, come on, baby.
Come on. Let's go.
- Come on, baby! Come on.
- Ooh-ooh!
Ah! Ah!
- Wait.! Wait.!
- Wait.! Wait.! Hold it.!
- Wait.! Stop.!
- Wait a minute.!
- Wait for us.!
- It's Herbie.! Herbie and his friend.!
Wait a minute.! Hold it.!
Oh, God.! Ah.!
Hold it!
Hold it!
Wait! Wait!
Wait a minute! Wait!
Down here!
- Hey!
- Hey!
Turn back!
They're not gonna hear a whistle,
for cryin' out loud.
Hey.!
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
- What are you doin'?
- You'll see.
- What are you doin'?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
What are you gonna do,
shoot down the plane?
Oh, my God.
It's a flare.
- See the flare?
- Now, turn for God sakes.
- See it? Turn.
- Turn.! Come back.!
Come back!
Turn around!
Ensign... Matowski.
- What?
- Herb.
Oh, my God.
That can't be Charlie.
No way.
- Turn the plane around.
- It's probably just...
- What is your problem?
- Just do it.
- Come back.!
- Do it, baby.!
Turn... Yes!
He's turning!
- Way to go!
- Whoa-ho! Ha-ha!
- Liz.
- Charlie.
- You're late.
- Yeah.
I had a little, uh,
trouble getting started.
The-The plane was...
Windy, you know?
- Yeah. Windy on the plane.
- It made my eyes water.
It does that, yeah.
Oh, look at that.
Liz.
From the first moment
I saw you on that ship...
-it was my intention to lie to you,I swear.
- Oh, that's sweet.
What I didn't intend was
falling in love with you.
Well, okay.
The deal is...
that I'm as big a liar
as you, Charlie.
- I highly doubt it.
- I'm broke.
- I'm sure you're exaggerating.
- No, I'm not.
Not even...
a couple hundred thousand?
Not even.
Zip. Flat broke.
Sorry. Door's open.
It's not too late. You can leave.
No. I don't wanna get out.
I don't wanna leave.
Uh, how long
is all this gonna take?
Hah! Couple of gold diggers
comin' up empty.
That's terrific.
We still got the check
from Carswell for $18,000.
Wait a minute. What are you
talkin' about? I saw you...
You taped it?
What do I look like, a schmuck?
The jury's still out
on that one.
Shut up, Ma.
We're keepin' him.
Thank you.
Fifty dollars apiece
for picking up the two studs.
They ought to give you
50 bucks each for callin' 'em studs.
Herbie,
lend me 50 bucks, will you?
All I got is this check.
You're not gettin'
a nickel out of me, Charlie.
- Let me just say...
- Did you come...
You got any, uh...
crack on you?
Instead... Instead of-of...
Instead of-of paying
for this cruise...
It's comin' to me.
See, we go to schmeer...
Baby, you talkin' about
humpback whales?
- I was talking about humping, actually.
- Yeah.
Ah! Ah! Ah!
I just found us a couple
of chest butchers that'll whip it out.
Where were you?
A pas... A passenger
requested an escort, sir.
Indeed.
A likely excuse.
So I slipped her one in the lifeboat.
Ah, shit.
Oh. Look who's here.
You better tell him, mister.
This man's got a martial arts thing...
in black belt schmeer.
So if you think that some snot-nosed
little fop like you...
is gonna m... stop me, then...
Pinch me, Walter.
So if you think some snotty little fop
like you is gonna change me...
or me up,
then, uh, I'll it up myself.
Even though we've
known each other for a short time...
The moon... is up your ass.
Keep looking at Dyan.
- Don't try to grab my thing.
- Oh, isn't that attractive.
- I wouldn't hold my thing.
- What about Walter's hand?
Oh, Char...
I really had a good time.
- I wanna tell you somethin'.
- Tell me. Tell me.
I have never had
a better piece of ass.
La la la la
la la la la...
Did I hear "cut"?
Great.!
Dismissed.
Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Just a quarter mile left,
Hare Krishna is still clear.
- Turning for home, Hare Krishna the one to catch.
- Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna!
Come on!
- Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
- Hare Krishna's getting weary.
Keep it together.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
- A three-way photo finish coming up to
the wire. - Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare... No!
And a heartbreaking loss for Hare Krishna.!
Give me a 1-5-6,
a 1-5-7 and give me...
Give me a break, will you?
You can't bet every horse in the race.
- It's cheating.
The horses are inside the gate.
- We're gonna get shut out here.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Got a sure winner. Ten dollars
across the board on number two.
At 70 to 1? Charlie!
Where's the money?
If I had the money,
would I be betting long shots?
Please, Edie, cover for me
this one time.
- The flag is up.
- Okay, Charlie. You're down.
- Thank you, sweetheart.
I love you very much.
Away they go.!
Pretty good start for all.
The only one slow is High Button Shoes,
and High Button Shoes is last early on.
Swinging onto the back stretch, and it's
Last Chance and Coates Tail setting the pace.
Now High Button Shoes
does begin to pick it up.
High Button Shoes nowjoins the pack
as they swing onto the back stretch.
- It's still Punjab and Out of Time the leaders.
- High Button Shoes.
Coates Tail is racing on the outside
curve, and then Last Chance.
High Button Shoes.
High Button Shoes.
High Button Shoes
picks up good ground.
- High Button Shoes coming into contention.
- High Button Shoes!
High Button Shoes.!
High Button Shoes.!
Come on, you schmuck!
Move!
You got it, kid.!
You got it.!
That's the way to do it.!
High Button Shoes.!
High Button Shoes.!
- You got it, baby!
- High Button Shoes has won.!
High Button Shoes,
a major upset.
- I love you.
- Love you too.
See you later, sweetheart.
Hi. How you doin'?
Looks like you're having a big day, huh?
Mickey, my favorite bookie.
How's business?
I'll tell you, Charlie.
I'm in a tough racket, you know?
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Well, I gotta see somebo...
Sometimes I get
this terrible feeling...
like people are trying
to avoid me.
Yeah? Gee, that's too bad.
- Maybe you should see someone about that.
- I am seeing someone.
- Who?
- Where's my money, Charlie?
Money? Come on.
I'm broke, Mickey.
You'd be the first to know
when I get money.
Oh, my goodness.
Where did this come from? L...
I tell you what. I'll give you $500,
and we call it even.
I'll tell you what.
I'll take a grand,
and you still owe me three grand.
Three thousand.
Always and forever, kiddo.
Did you come
to borrow money?
Let me just say...
Why do you assume the only reason
I come here is to borrow money?
Because every time you come here,
you borrow money.
Herbie, I'm gonna tell you something
you're not gonna believe.
- I never believe anything that you tell me.
- Ho, ho, ho.
- Very funny.
- No. It's very sad.
Not as sad as a man having dinner
with a photograph.
Hey, come on. I'm celebrating.
It's my 45th wedding anniversary.
Very touching...
except today
isn't your anniversary.
- Look, Suzie was my wife.
- Yes, I realize that.
- I should know my own...
- And she was my sister. I was your best man.
- March 15, 1952.
- Yes. Correct.
Except today is the 16th.
- What? That's impossible.
- Why? That's the way it works.
First you get the 15th,
then right after that is the 16th.
And then later on
comes the 17 th. Here.
Take a look at the date.
Sixteenth...
God, I've blown
my own anniversary.
Sorry, kiddo.
Here.
What the hell?
Hey, if you need clothes...
the Salvation Army's
over on Fourth Street.
- These will be perfect.
- Huh? Perfect for what?
Listen, will you
do me a favor?
I worked in a department store
for half of my life.
If you don't buy something,
you put it back.
Herbie...
happy anniversary.
- That was yesterday.
- Go ahead, open it.
"Mexico and the Yucatn.
"Witness the spectacle
of a rare solar eclipse...
from the foot of the Mayan pyramids. "
This is a cruise.
That's right.
Deluxe accommodations.
All right,
where'd you get these?
Do you remember a guy named No-Neck?
They finally busted him.
He gave me the tickets
in lieu of the cash he owed me.
Now, wait a minute.
Somebody owed you money?
How dumb
do you think I am?
What are you gonna do? Stay cooped up
in this mausoleum you call home?
- You're still alive. Hasn't anybody told you?
- Look who's talkin'.
You're damn right,
look who's talking!
- Don't you get tired of being alone?
- No. The answer's no.
- Herbie, there's gonna be gourmet food, free drinks,
- No. No.
A bevy of pretty broads.
- Sure, because you're looking for a meaningful relationship.
- Why not?
- You've never had one in your whole life.
- I got news for you.
My whole life isn't over yet, which is
why I suggest we get on that ship...
and sip champagne
with some lonely, rich broads.
Who knows? We may get lucky
during the eclipse.
Charlie, hear me.
The answer is no.
Hold it.! Hold it.!
Coming through.!
Two customers.
Made it just in time, huh?
Herbie, come this way.
- It's the wrong section.
- It looks like our seats.
Yeah, those are
first-class seats.
What's the matter?
We're not first class?
But our boarding things
here say...
I don't care what the boarding things
say. Will you sit down.
- Yeah, but these could belong to somebody else.
- Relax, will ya?
I mean, the doors are closed.
It's not like we're gonna be stopping
on 34th Street to pick up passengers.
- Okay, Charlie.
- Gentlemen?
- Thank you.
- Ah, thank you.
Thank you very much.
- Sir?
- I may become a frequent flyer.
Damn good mimosa.
Here's to good living, kid.
Okay, okay.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Okay, now.
Thank you very much.
Okay, now begins the first leg
of our honeymoon.
It's only a year late.
Mmm, I'd like to make a small bet
on where they're gonna be sitting.
There's Mom. Say hi, Mom.
Stop it, will you, Allan?
And my beautiful bride.
Let me see here.
Excuse me.
I believe you're sitting in our seats.
Yeah, that figures.
- I'm sorry.
- That's all right. I'm sorry. See what you do?
- May I see your boarding passes, please?
- Actually, it's my fault.
The doctor here thought it would
be best if I were not subjected...
to the stress
of economy class.
37-H and J. You gentlemen
will have to pay for these drinks.
Maybe Blue Cross
could cover it.
That's...
That's very funny, ma'am.
Very witty.
Hey.
Aren't those the seats they use
for transporting convicted felons?
Herbie, sit down.
You're scaring the kids.
Ladies and gentlemen, in a few minutes...
we'll begin our nonstop express service
to Miami, Florida.
- Our flight time will be
approximately five hours.
Welcome aboard
the beautiful M.S. Westerdam.
- Your cabin stewards are happy to
meet any special needs.
- So do not hesitate to ask for their assistance.
- Boy, oh, boy.
And please note, there will be a compulsory
lifeboat drill today at 5:30 p.m.
Oh, Mr. Leu.
Back again.
Nice to see you
and the lovely Mrs...
Oh, no. It's someone else,
isn't it? Hello!
I'd like you to meet
my dance hosts... Mac...
- Jonathan.
- Come on!
Please report
to the purser's desk. Mr. Dunbar...
Herbie, listen to me. I wanted
to tell you something before you...
- Herbie...
- Oh, wow.!
I tell you something, Charlie.
When they say "deluxe accommodations,"
they mean deluxe.
Yeah, well, Herbie, "deluxe"
can mean several different things.
For example, in a diner, deluxe means
"comes with french fries. "
- Come on.
- This is it. Oh, Ma!
This is gorgeous!
What a suite. Oh!
- Hi.!
- Hello, ladies.
I want those small pieces in the bedroom.
Who the hell are you?
- Lizzy!
- What, Ma?
Get a load of slouchy here.
What, does he come with the stateroom?
Ma! Where's your hospitality?
Now, listen!
I have been on a plane for three hours.
I have been in a taxi cab
for an hour and a half.
I need to take a crap and a nap,
and I do not need an audience.
- Sounds like a party we can miss.
- We'll see you later, ladies.
Bye now.
Oh, boy. Did you see the chassis
on that broad?
I'll bet she's worth
a few mil.
This must be wrong. I mean,
why would they have us way down here?
I like it down here. Gives us a chance
to get away from the commotion up top.
What, like the other
passengers and the view? This is us.
Listen to me. I've been meaning
to tell you something.
Before you go into the room,
Herbie, please listen to me.
- Cozy, isn't it?
- It's what? Cozy?
A good fart will
give you a concussion.
Needs a little daylight.
Herb, this is the best possible thing
that could've happened.
Gee, I can't wait
to hear why.
- As dance hosts, it's actually our job...
- What?
- To flirt with all the classy broads.
- Our job? Dance hosts?
Yeah, that's how I was able
to afford the tickets.
Instead of paying for the cruise,
I signed us up as dance hosts.
- So the cruise is free.
- What do you mean it's free, you idiot?
- We're workin' here!
- We're not workin'.
We're dancing and cavorting.
Oh, you moron. You don't even
know how to dance.
Well, that's why
I brought you here.
Oh. Perhaps we're interrupting
you gentlemen at a bad time.
Welcome aboard.
We're gonna be sharing the bathroom.
This is Jonathan Deveraux.
I'm Mac Vela, U.S.M.C., retired.
- I'll be your liaison to the C.D.
- The what "D"?
Cruise director.
Gil Godwyn.
Oh, it's too bad you got Gil
for your first gig.
- He's a real prick.
- Control freak.
- Friggin' Nazi.
- Classic megalomaniac.
Not a nice man.
Well, if you have
any questions, feel free.
I got one question.
What's the fastest route off this ship?
Excuse me.
- Hiya.
- Hello.
- Okay, Chief. Let's pull the gangway in.
- Take in the gangway, Captain.
All visitors should
now be ashore. Last call, please.
All visitors
should now be ashore.
Pardon me!
Ohh!
Oh, my God.
Sir, are you okay?
- Yeah, I think.
- There you go. You sure?
Thank you. Yeah.
- God, that's embarrassing.
- Only for you.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
The ship's moving.
- Ships are known to do that.
- Wait a minute! I need that gangplank!
Please.! Hello.! Somebody.!
I gotta use that sucker.!
L... I've gotta...
Hello.!
Where the hell did they go
with my luggage?
Oh, God Almighty. Thank you very much.
What's the matter with you?
- You got a problem?
- Not really.
L- I always cry at sailings.
They're so romantic.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Please join your cruise
staffby the Lido Pool...
on the upper promenade deck aft
for the gala sail-away fiesta.
Meet your cruise director and enjoy
the music and drinks and prizes.
Herbie.
Herbie, I know you're upset now,
but in a few days...
you'll be thanking me.
Listen, Charlie.
What is in this for you?
Now, tell me, and no shit
because I'm too tired.
Okay, fine. You remember
my old pal Tony? Tony.
- Anthony Caldoni?
- Yeah.
The mail fraud guy.
First of all,
those charges were dropped.
But more importantly,
guess what he's doing today?
I don't give a rat's ass.
He's married to one
of the richest broads in Palm Beach.
And guess how they met?
One, two, cha-cha-cha.
- One, two...
- No way, Jose.
Just wake me up at the first port of call.
That's where I'm gettin' off.
- I hate to see you do this, Herbie.
- Why is that, Charles?
Because if you don't dance,
you lose your employee status...
and that means you gotta pay for the whole
cruise... that's 2,500 smackaroonies.
You son of a bitch! You're the one
who should be paying.
Will the dance hosts
please report to the main ballroom.
Herbie, they're playing our song.
Ahem.!
Very nice hair.
Right.
Nails. Cut 'em. Uh!
Let me. Thank you.
Excellent, Mac.
Jonathan, clip the ear hair.
- I beg your pardon?
- Ear hair!
I'm very skeptical of dance hosts
who can't keep time.
- Mister...
- Me? Sullivan, Herb.
- Uh, and that's Gordon, Charles.
- Lovely.
Sorry we were late, but,
uh, it's a very big boat.
This boat... happens to be
the flagship vessel...
of the world's premiere cruise line,
and I am the cruise director.
Sir, yes, sir!
I've a feeling you two
are going to be trouble.
- Oh...
- No. We're pussycats.
For your sake,
I hope...
Is that cologne
or Armor All?
That's close, close. It's cologne,
but I bought it at a gas station.
I've got my eye on you.
You're not so bad yourself.
All right.
Gentlemen, we're
30 seconds from intros.
Now, remember that you
are the representatives of this ship...
and will, at all times, behave
in a manner appropriate thereto.
You will be courteous
and respectful at all times.
When the music stops, you will
escort your partner back to her seat.
And above all, you will not
fraternize privately...
with the guests
at any time.
- Uh, no.
- If you do, it's grounds for immediate dismissal.
Permission to speak, sir.
Denied. Mac, mike.
- Who's Mac Mike?
- I don't know.
Ohh, yes!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the M. S. Westerdam proudly presents...
your cruise director...
the very talented...
Mr. Gil Godwyn!
Thank you!
Can't believe it. The man
actually opens for himself.
Thank you so very much.
Aren't they absolutely marvelous?
Thank you. Thank you.
- Very good. Very good.
- Thank you.
- Very good. Very good.
- Magnificent.
Moving experience.
Thank you so much.
You're too kind, really.
Thank you, girls.
What could his parents
have possibly done to him?
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to introduce our dance hosts.
Here they are... Mac,
Jonathan, Phil...
- How do you like him?
- Oh, he's too short.
Julio...
- Bobby, Scott,
- Me! Me!
Herb and Ch... Ch...
Ch... Charlie!
Charlie!
Hey, Charlie.
Charlie.
- That guy Herb is cute, huh?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, let's get 'em while they're hot.
Just an expression.
Let's go.
It's just like
the beach at Normandy.
Gentlemen, I didn't hire you
to be wallflowers.
I don't want anyone on my ship
ever to feel ignored.
Mrs. Carruthers, may I
have the great pleasure?
Ah. Oh.
Kiss-ass.
Take it, fellas!
- I'm Mac. Welcome aboard.
- Thank you, Mac.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Where do you think you're going?
Oh, taking on a lot of water
in the forward compartment, sir.
Oh, God.
You have two minutes.
Go.
- Any time you're ready, Herb.
- Huh?
Silly old me. I do expect my dance
hosts to actually dance.
Well, of course, yeah. It's just that
I don't know if I'm up to...
I'll tell you the truth, Gil.
- I lost my wife not too long ago.
- Oh, good. Good.
Tell it to the ladies.
They eat it up.
Um, do I take a number
or, uh...
may I serve myself?
Yeah. Well, I'm
kind of new at this.
Well, you can dance,
can't you?
Ohh!
Oh, you can dance.
Ohh!
Oh, I sure hope
these pins hold.
- What pins?
- Oh, nothing serious.
They just keep my legs
attached to my hips.
Da-da
- Have you ever seen so much food in your life?
- Spectacular!
I was a size four
when I got on this ship.
Excuse me for butting in, but don't
I know you from someplace?
- W-Well, I don't know...
- Pardon me.
Uh...
That's a good smoke.
Sometimes.
Whoo-hoo.!
- I like it.
- Bravo.
Oh, thank you very much.
Is there a seat open there?
- Oh, yes, of course.
- Well, sure.
- Pull up a chair.
- Here we go.
- Looks like it's your lucky night, kid.
- It is that. It is.
Luck had absolutely
nothing to do with it.
She played that hand splendidly.
Absolutely splendidly.
- Why, thank you.
- That's okay. You can drop the accent now.
You want a refill
on this, kid?
- Your glass was empty.
- Oh, thanks.
Name's Charlie Gordon.
I'm single and I'm lookin'.
Liz LaBreche. I'm single and I ain't
lookin', but thanks for the drink.
- Cheers.
- You're welcome.
- They call me Gordo on the street.
- What street is that, Gordo?
Wall Street.
You ever hear of it?
What exactly do you do
on Wall Street?
Well, I have a small
hot dog stand.
When things go badly
over there...
I'm in the mergers
and acquisitions game.
The buy-in's $1,000.
A thousand dollars. That reminds me
of my first year of college.
Where exactly did you
go to college, Gordo?
Oh, that's a little place
called F.U.
- Your name, sir, is...
- Carswell.
Now, boys, boys, boys.
Let's not have a pissin' match here.
We're here to play cards.
Let's play.
Yes, we're here
to play poker...
if you can raise
the thousand dollars.
Oh, a thousand dollars. May I have
that deck for a minute, please?
I'll give it right back to you.
I just want to take a look.
I'll bet you $5,000
even money...
top card's a picture.
- Even money?
- Yes, sir.
- You've got yourself a bet.
- Okay.
Turn it over.
You owe me $5,000.
That was a lot of fun.
I'll tell you what...
let's go again for 10, huh?
You don't have to
if you don't want to.
If you want to quit right now, it's okay
with me. I'll give you the five grand.
Let's make it 20.
Yes. Yes. I like that.
Now we're having some fun.
Twenty?
You want to bet $20,000
the top card is not a picture?
You've got a deal.
Okay, boy.
$20,000. Turn it over.
Turn it over, please.
Whew.
That's very interesting.
Oh, boy, is that interesting.
You want to
double it again?
Yes.
Enough of this child's play.
I owe you $15,000.
- All right.
- Let's play poker.
Okay. Here we go.
That's a lot of fun.
- I'm gonna get a brownie.
- A brownie? Yeah.
- L...
- Oh. Sorry.
We shall have to call the Guinness Book
of Records about your friend Charlie.
Now what?
- He's taking the longest piss in recorded freaking history.
- Oh.
There's a lady at table 16 who's arrived
late. I suggest you welcome her.
Okay. Where's table 16?
Over there.
Oh, what a lovely room.
- Oh, that, uh... that... lady.
- Mm-hmm.
Hi there. Excuse me.
- Hello.
- Nice to see you're still on board.
Thank you. I just wondered
if you'd care to dance.
Actually, I've seen you move. How do I
know you won't trip and drag me overboard?
Well, you don't.
But I swim even better
than I dance.
- Go for it, Mom.
- I promise I won't bite.
Here goes nothing.
I haven't danced
in a long time.
Slow, slow,
quick-quick.
Don't look down.
Look at me. That's it.
Honey, tell me I did the right thing
by bringing Mom along.
You did the right thing.
Mmm. Now let's go sneak inside
one of those lifeboats.
You and whoever
you used to dance with...
you must have been
great together.
Now promenade.
Yeah, that would be Suzie and me.
We danced all night long
at our wedding...
and it seems like we never
stopped dancing for 46 years.
- What a lovely image.
- Oh, thank you.
Now tell me all about you.
Everything.
- Everything?
- Sure.
- It's only a 10-day cruise. - Well,
give me the Reader's Digest version.
Okay.
- I live in New York.
- Yeah.
- I was a book editor at Doubleday.
- Ooh.
- Mother of two.
- Mm-hmm.
Recent widow of one.
And I was... I was shanghaied here
by... by newlyweds.
- Oh.
- Mmm.
- The bride is my daughter.
- Oh, well, I'm sure that she meant well.
- I'm sure.
- Are you having any fun?
- I don't know yet.
- Well, whad'ya know.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That was, uh, fun.
- Yeah.
- Doctor...
- Oh, uh, Sullivan. Call me Herb.
- Vivian.
I could use a little fresh air.
- Join me?
- Ye... Oh.
- Well, I'd love to.
- I promise I won't bite.
You know something? I'm gonna go along
with you in case you change your mind.
Are you getting
enough zeroes in there?
- Eighteen thousand.
- Thank you.
Enjoying the company
of a stunning lady...
is all I wish to take away
from this table, sir.
Mere confetti.
Confetti, sir.
- Excuse me.
- Very, very nice.
I once heard that if a whale
loses its mate...
it never takes another.
Do you suppose that could really happen?
I haven't spoken
to a lot of whales lately, but...
hell, if it was perfect
the first time, then...
My feelings...
My feelings exactly.
Ooh.
Better not fall
on our heads.
What, this? Oh, no, that's
50-gauge cable.
Hell, that could hold a couple
of elephants playing patty-cake.
Either you know your elephants
or you know your cable.
I was a swabbie.
Pacific area.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Did you ever have to get in one of those?
- No, ma'am.
Thank God.
Matowski did though.
- Who?
- Ensign Myron Matowski.
He was nuts about this Filipino girl,
and her parents objected...
so one night they put her in a boat
to send her to another island.
Matowski hijacks one of these lifeboats,
gets in there...
whoosh... out he goes,
sends up a flare.
He damn near started
a naval battle.
- Did she see the flare?
- Are you kidding?
The last I heard, they were workin' on
their sixth grandchild...
and she had her own brand of applesauce.
So... So tell me...
how does a swabbie
become a doctor?
A what?
Yeah.
L- I wanted to explain
that to you.
- You don't have to explain.
- Yes... No, I wanted to... explain it.
- That's...
- Well, would you like to walk me to my cabin?
Yeah, I would,
but I-I-I ca-ca-can't.
I can take a hint.
No. What hint?
I promised a couple of chest butchers
that I'd have a brandy with them.
Right.
Chest butchers?
What the hell kind
of a moron are you?
Now, why would you go
and do something like that?
- To impress you.
- Oh!
Oh. Well, keep it up.
It just might work.
Mr. Gordon.!
What you do, like samurai.
Great style.
You have
most terrible accent.
- Where you learn Japanese?
- Okinawa.
- Oh.
- It's a small sushi joint on the Sunset Strip.
Where were you?
A passenger requested
an escort, sir.
- Fraternizing.
- Nobody "fratted" anybody.
- All we did was... Oh, my God.
- Don't tell me that.
Coming through, please.
Injured man here. Injury.
Well, if it isn't the Phantom
of the Ballroom.
I oughta sue you guys.
Everything around here
is so slippery and wet.
- It's an ocean liner.
- I may never dance again.
Aga... I haven't
seen you dance yet.
Fortunately for you,
I found the infirmary.
The infirmary is closed
at this hour.
- That's what I found out.
- Look, let...
Let me... Let me speak
candidly, gentlemen.
I am this close
to a promotion...
that would make me
vice president of entertainment.
Wow.
I intend to get that job...
by showing how well I can keep
two old dickheads like you in line.
- Oh, now, listen, you...
- No, you listen.
Don't mess with me.
I'm your worst nightmare.
A song-and-dance man
raised on a military base.
Dismissed.
Hoo.!
Now, you seem to be
annoyed with me, Herbie.
Tell me if I'm wrong.
And what's this about you
leaving the dance floor?
None of your business.
None of my business.
How do you like that?
- Why are you sterilizing your trousers?
- I'm steaming them.
Oh. Then what are you gonna do,
eat 'em with garlic butter?
It takes the wrinkles out,
you imbecile!
Huh. A man who's steaming
his pants at midnight.
- That generally means there's a broad.
- No broad.
Well, that's too bad,
because I got one lined up.
Rich. Texas rich.
With an ass so beautiful...
it's a shame she
has to sit down on it.
Will you do me a favor and
just knock that stuff off?
I'm sorry.
I forgot you were cooking.
Now that you've got this girl, how long
is it gonna be before she finds out...
you're not the man
she thought you were?
- By then, she'll be in love.
- In love with a lie.
Nobody's perfect.
I think a man should always tell a woman
the truth before she falls in love.
Otherwise, how do you
know it's real?
What's real is, if I play my cards right,
I'll wind up on easy street.
Once I'm there,
I'm inviting you over every Sunday.
- I don't want to have
anything to do with this.
- Okay, then don't come over.
She thinks I'm a doctor.
- Who?
- Oh, nobody.
You met a broad.
Da-da
Y- You're crazy. Years of insanity
have made you crazy.
- Do I look crippled or not?
- Yeah, crippled up here.
Oh, cut it out!
Most of you will work the dance class
from 10:00 to 11:00...
and the wine and cheese
tasting from 12:00 to 1:00.
Please use moderation.
The last thing I need is flatulating
dance hosts staggering about the ship.
I bet his father was cruise director
on the Bismarck.
Think of yourselves...
as butterflies, gentlemen...
and our guests as flowers.
Your job is to pollinate the flowers
with hospitality.
This guy's been at sea
too long.
And if you screw up,
I am personally going to see to it...
that you are removed from the ship and
charged the full round-trip passage...
of $5,462.51 as indicated
in your contracts.
What the hell is...
Five thou... Five thousand?
You told me 2,000!
As for you, Mr. Gordon, Dr. Johanson
will see you at 1100 hours sharp.
I don't think that's necessary, sir.
The foot just needs rest.
You will remain off
your... injured foot...
until Dr. Johanson says otherwise.
Are we clear?
Yes, sir. Clear!
Extremely clear, sir.
Brilliant.
Dismissed.
All passengers
disembarking at Playa del Carmen...
please report
to tender deck, midship.
Those of you attending the festival
must board the fiesta bus at 4:10.
Remember, the last tender...
will return from shore
at 4:30.
Well... look who's here.
Flowers and all.
I'll bet they're for me.
- Who else would they be for?
- Save it... Hoss.
- Come on in.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Sure appreciate it.
You know, the first day you was in here,
sniffing around like a yard dog?
I knew you'd be back.
Ma, for the love of Pete.!
- Who's Pete? My competition?
- That's right.
And guess who I'm rootin' for?
- Oh, Charlie!
- Hi.
- Oh, it's so nice to see you.
- Oh, yeah.
Are these for me?
- No.
- No?
- Oh, yes!
- Ohh.
They're just beautiful.
I didn't want to be
too showy.
Oh, well, yours are very tasteful.
Thank you, Charlie.
- Thank you.
- I have to get dressed.
Why don't you talk to Ma?
Ma'll keep you company. Excuse me.
- Okay.
- I want you to behave yourself, Charlie.
You see, I saw the way you were starin'
at my daughter's... chest.
- Oh, I used to be a cardiologist.
- Really?
So I'm almost ready.
Charlie, would you like
to walk with me?
- I'd be delighted.
- Oh, thank you.
- Ma, we'll see you later.
- Have fun.
I'll try to find a shot glass
for those flowers.
- She's darling, isn't she?
- That's Ma.
- Oh, there you are.
- Hello.
We really must hurry.
The bus is leaving in 10 minutes.
- Hello there, sport.
- Hello.
- Why don't you come with us?
- I've been told that the tour is full.
Oh, about those flowers...
thank you so much.
They're beautiful. I love them.
See you later?
- Have a good day, Gordo.
- Ta-ta.
There's something about that man
I really don't like.
- Don't you agree?
- That you don't like him?
I'd agree with that.
Ha-ha!
They call this dancing?
I did this in line at the A&P.
Well, the view is right.
- I used to have an ass like that.
- Guys, pay attention.
Would you mind
standing back, please?
Let me show you how
this is done, okay?
Ship-to-shore call
for Mr. Cullen Carswell.
That's you!
That sounds excitin'.
I'm sorry, Liz. I'll try
to wrap it up quickly.
- Why don't I just go ahead
and I'll save you a seat?
- All right.
- Ship-to-shore for Carswell.
- Oh, yes, sir.
It's an overseas call
from Mr. Donald Trump.
He's calling from Zurich.
Says it's urgent.
Is there a telephone handy
with some privacy?
You can take it in the second booth
there on your right.
Thank you.
Hello. This is Cullen Carswell.
I'll take my call now.
- One moment, sir.
- Hello.
Hello, Mr. Carswell. Hello.
- Who is this?
This is the international
operator.
I have momentarily
lost your congestion.
Please hold
for Mr. Trump.
Yes, I'll hold,
but please hurry.
- Are you holding, sir?
- Yes, yes, I'm holding.
Is this Mr. Car-smell?
Carswell!
Yes.
Please hold.
Don't go away.
All passengers
traveling to the festival...
must board the fiesta bus at wharf 10
for immediate departure.
- This is the last call.
- Hey!
I figured I'd see if there were
any no-shows. Where's your friend?
You just don't give up,
do you?
Mmm.
Oh, look at those.!
- Don't you just love horses, Charlie?
- Only when they win.
- You've never done any
real gambling, have you?
- For how much?
I'm not talking about money.
I'm talking about life gambling.
You've never been married,
have you?
- In what sense?
- I knew it. I knew it.
I'm waiting for
my sexual prime.
Just when do you think
that's gonna happen?
In about five minutes.
That's it.
Get the hips going.
Get that Cuban motion going.
Ladies under. Very nice. Good.
Come back around.
- Mom, give me a break.
- Shelly, give me a break.
I danced with the man
one time.
- And you were glowing like Miss Arkansas.
- So I had fun.
Herb's a wonderful dancer.
But he's a doctor,
and you know I hate doctors.
Now, moving to the side.
Hips going.
- There's a class. Let's go join the class.
- Oh, I...
- It'll be fun.
- Well...
- You love dancing!
- Under-arm turn, gentlemen.
- All right.
- Let the ladies under.
- That's it.
- Oh, you guys are getting so good.!
Your turn, madame.
Oh!
Excellent! Now, try everything
that we practiced today.
Okay. Goodjob, everybody.
How 'bout a wonderful hand
for our dancers?
It says that it's a festival,
a sacrifice to purge themselves...
of all sins and evil
before the eclipse.
I'm so excited.
I've never seen an eclipse before.
- Is that right?
- Never seen one.
- I seen one once.
- Really?
But I think the moon
got in the way.
Yes!
Oh. Here we go.
Here we go.
Look how happy they are
that we're here!
La, la-la, la-la
What are you doin'?
Oh, I... I'm looking at this
for a possible suit.
Oh!
Charlie, what are you doing? I want
to stay here and dance with my friends.
- Come with me.
- La-la, la-la
Come with me,
con permiso.
La-la, la-la
- Watch out!
- You stay here. I'll be right back.
- I gotta see a man about a dog.
- Take your time.
La-la, la-la
Mucho viejo. Gracias.
Gil, I've been talking
to the board...
about hiring a vice president
of entertainment.
Interesting.
Listen, is there a way out of here
besides the door?
Oh, yes. S, s, s.
Down the drain.
Ah, ha-ha-ha-ha.
Very funny, pal.
Very funny.
Listen, pal, I need to borrow your mask
for a few minutes.
- Get lost, pops.
- Wait. I'll let you have this.
It's a genuine Rolex.
Please, mister.
This ain't a Rolex.
It says "Romex. "
What, you're gonna make a federal case
out of one lousy letter?
They don't make
Romexes anymore.
- This is a collector's item.
- Beat it.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I haven't had a chimichanga in years.
Would you mind... Would you
pardon me for just one moment?
- What?
- Eh, nature, you know.
- Sorry.
- Oh.
Perdname. Perdname.
- You...
- Do you want to buy a Rolex?
Comin' through.
Qu pasa, seor?
What's goin' on here?
Parrot coming through.
Parrot here. Parrot.
Con permiso. Con permiso.
Gil! Whoo-hoo!
Ah.! Leave her alone
for five seconds.
I'm gettin' a little dizzy
in here with all this...
Let me outta here.!
Are you people insane?
Oh, no.!
What do you do
with the bull?
Holy "shaxamahnee'!
Oh, my God!
I'm the parrot!
I see trouble!
Hey, seor.
Hey, pal.
Gil.! Wait.!
All right, mister.
I've got you!
Oh, sorry. I thought you were...
Oh, my God!
- Charlie.
- Let's go.
- Why are we going now?
- Now is the time to loot the shops.
- We are witnessing history here.
- I've seen history. It stinks.
No, stop!
There's a fire there! Can't you see?
My head's on fire!
Help me!
Stop this cow instantly!
Well, hello.
Stuff works wonders for groin pain.
Cheers to you all.
- I've dug all over Guatemala
and all over Honduras.
- Really?
It-It's just... The whole culture
is so interesting...
- so fascinating and...
- Oh, uh, Vivian.
- Herb. What a lovely surprise.
- I know what you're thinking.
- This is my new friend, Sebastian.
- Hello.
He just gave a brilliant lecture on the
significance of the solar eclipse...
...in Mayan mythology.
- What?
- Mayan mythology will tell you...
that an eclipse isn't
really an eclipse at all...
but rather a birth... or an unveiling,
if you will... of a new sun...
- or a new life...
- Fascinating. Herb is a doctor.
- And apparently a dance
host on the side.
- I tried to explain this to you.
- Explain what?
I think you did your job
very well.
- Who is he?
- I don't know.
-I've seen him somewhere.He looks familiar.
- Not to me.
- My husband was in the oil business
with my dad.
If Daddy trusted him,
I figured I could trust him too.
- So, what happened?
- Well, as it turned out...
there were a lot of test wells
he was drillin' on the side.
- You should've had him neutered.
- Oh, I did.
- Except I used an attorney
instead of a doctor.
For lending a helping hand.
Thank you, chappies.
Thank you so very much.
Oh! What's the matter?
- Are you all right?
- Old football injury.
- College?
- No. Professional.
TheJets blew a 30-point lead
against the Dolphins...
- and I tried to throw
my TV set out the window.
You're in pain. I'll get help.
No! Wait, wait!
- What are you doing? - I wanna
hear more about your ex-husband.
You... What?
How can...
- What seems to be the trouble?
- Oh!
- His back went out,
and I think he needs some help.
- Would you help me get him
on the deck chair?
- Of course.
- God bless you,sir,whosoever you may be.
- Oh, careful. Oh!
If you go
in this direction...
Oh.! What are you doin'?
I have to get the wind
from the east.
- He has to get
the wind from the east.
Now, fortunately,
I'm a retired doctor. Aren't we lucky?
Huh?
- And chiropractics is my specialty.
- It's lucky for me.
- Are you his wife?
- Oh, no. I'm just his friend.
She's just a friend.
You tell me where the pain is.
- It's okay. It's better now.
- Well,I think we may need a little adjustment.
- I don't need...
An adjustment!
- Uh-huh! A problem
in the lumbar region.
No. My "lumber" is all right.
Don't worry about...
Can you feel anything?
Uh, what are you...
Ah! That should
relieve some tension.
- Uh, what the hell are you doin'?
- Now, just breathe normally.
Go on.
I haven't done
anything yet. Uh!
- Do you feel better, my friend?
- I'm gonna get you.
What? A present?
Oh, don't be silly.
Just to lighten the suffering of my fellow
human beings is reward enough for me.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Why don't you go.
I'll just rest up here a little while.
Oh, I-I just can't
leave you like this.
- Sure, you can.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah. You go on.
- Actually, I was gonna meet...
...some friends in the casino.
Besides, I like
lying here on the couch.
It's the puppy dog in me.
All right.
I'll see you later.
See you later.
- All right.
- Bye.
"Must be the puppy dog
in me. "
You are in over your head, kid.
- What is that supposed to mean?
- I saw the way you looked at her.
She's a beautiful woman with a lot of
money. How do you want me to look at her?
- I think you care about her.
- Give me a break, will ya?
Oh, boy. I'm gonna sue you
for malpractice.
I saved your ass
is what I did.
Ah.
Gil, baby.
I was wondering...
Oh, shut up.
Tonight, you will dance
every dance.
You will be charming,
attentive, light of foot.
- And I will be watching.
- Yes, sir!
Have Dr. Johanson
look at that eye, Sullivan.
Jesus, Herbie, we've been
pals for such a long time.
Give me a break,
will ya?
- The answer is no.
- If I don't dance, they'll throw me off the ship.
I'll teach you how to swim.
I won't teach you how to dance.
Herbie, please! Please, I beg you.
- Open up your heart.
- Will you knock it off?
- Open your heart to a sad,
frightened old man.
Slow, slow. Quick-quick.
Slow, slow.
Quick-quick.
There you go.
Slow...
Whatever happened
to slow, slow, quick-quick?
You're-You're very much
like a crane.
Slow, slow.
Quick-quick.
Do it.
Slow, slow.
Quick... Oh, God.
Try it. Left, right.
Together.
Aha. Bingo.
Left.
Right. Together.
Very strange.
Okay. This is
the grapevine.
Cross, behind, together.
Slow, slow. Quick-quick.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two, three,
cha-cha.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One...
Okay, now wait a minute.
Let's try...
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two...
Uh, that's very...
What the hell is that?
Guys do this all the time
on the streets...
and-and people
throw money at them.
You're not gettin'
a nickel outta me.
Wait a minute.
This is wrong.
- You're leading.
- I'm supposed to lead. I'm a man.
- Kiss me.
- All right. You lead.
And on the CD...
No. No, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
- Uh, see, he's, uh... I'm-I'm...
- It's my first time.
- Oh.
- Dancing, that is, see.
Yeah. We're just friends.
Good pals, buddies.
- Oh. Yes, of course.
- Don't ask, don't tell.
Yeah.
- Is that a waiter's jacket?
- How can you tell?
You got stains
all over the sleeve.
You got parsley down your back.
Fits like a pup tent.
- Are you kidding...
- Ah! Good evening, gentlemen.
Time to face the music, eh, Charlie?
Hey, let-let's face.
Once again, your host...
the very talented
Mr. Gil Godwyn.!
Ladies and gentlemen...
here we are,
under the stars...
in the moonlight,
out on the open sea.
Let's get ready...
to rhum-ba.
Ooh. We're going
to rhum-ba.
He's demented.
You're on, champ.
Care to dance, madam?
Oh, yes. Yes, I'd love to.
Don't slouch.
Have you been hosting
for long?
This is my 23rd run,
ma'am.
I started out giving ballroom exhibition.
Shorten your steps.
You're doing very well, madam,
but don't rush it.
- You see, the rhumba is more
of a walk than a dance.
- Oh, shit!
- Beg-Beg your pardon?
Oh. Uh, hit.
This song was a big hit.
- What...What does that
have to do with the rhumba?
- Absolutely nothing.
- Look out.
- You said it was a walk.
It's a fast walk.
Ow!
Oh, God.
Oh! What... What do you call this step?
- This is the Brazilian creep.
- Oh.
- In Brazil, of course,
it's just called "the creep. "
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh. Whoa.
Oh! Oh!
- Uh! Oh! I'm so sorry.
- Ow.
- No. It's our fault.
- Sorry.
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Do you have any idea whom you've just
assaulted on the dance floor?
Oh, Miss Carruthers,
I don't know what...
I feel... ravaged.
Thank you.
I'm Ellen Carruthers.
Oh. You're the dame that
owns this little boat.
Excuse me.
Uh, duty calls.
Can I get you
anything, miss?
All over Honduras. You wouldn't believe
what happened. There were 40,000 people...
So. It's the broad
that stole our airplane seats.
- That broad happens to have
been an editor at Doubleday.
- Who cares?
All I was
was a clerk at Gimbel's.
And Secretariat
was just a horse.
- Go on. Ask her to dance.
- Aw, it's too late, Charlie.
There's no such thing as "too late. "
That's why they invented death.
Dance!
By the Inquisition,
they were burned.
So now, some people argue,
that they invented the ladle.
But the ancient drawings indicate
that the Mayans were using...
- a large perforated scooping utensil.
- Excuse me.
Um, I'm gonna go
drop the anchor on my toe.
- I'll go with you.
- You're leaving?
Anyway, what is really important is that
when I shone the light in the cave...
there it was on the wall...
the ladle.
- Vivian?
- Which proved beyond a reasonable doubt?
Excuse me. L-I would really be very
honored if you would care to join me.
I've already
danced this dance.
Yes, well, I-I- I was hoping
you might want to try it again.
You know, a, uh,
an archaeologist in Reykjavk...
...claims that the Incas
actually did a form of the hustle.
- What?
- You-You never heard of that?
I mean, it was a... - You win.
Excuse us.
You dance much better
than you lie.
Well, uh, lying is new to me.
I've been dancing most of my life.
Hmm. Did you start dancing
before or after medical school?
Oh, you're a funny lady.
I'm also
a very serious lady...
especially when
I'm lied to.
Hey, I didn't lie to you.
My friend did.
Well, you could've
told me the truth.
- Well, maybe I was afraid.
- Afraid of what?
Well, that you would,
uh, laugh or be disappointed.
- About what?
- Aw, hell, I don't know.
- Well, tell me now.
- Tell you what?
- Try the truth.
- Well, the truth is...
I was just a clerk
at Gimbel's for 35 years...
till they damn well
went out of business.
And I got roped into
this stupid dance-host thing...
by that lunatic there,
over there.
Just...
What happened?
- Wait a second.
- Why? So I can make a fool of myself again?
I didn't think I'd ever
kiss anybody that way again.
Neither did I.
- I need to step outside.
- We are outside.
I knew that.
But won't... won't you
get in trouble...
I mean, if someone
should see us like this?
- Oh, well, they could throw me overboard.
- I'd miss you.
Yeah?
Why don't we watch the, uh, eclipse
together tomorrow?
- All right.
- Yeah. We could go in separate buses...
...to Chichn Itz and meet at a caf.
- What caf?
- Well, it's a town. There must be a caf.
I'll find it, and...
and you'll find me.
Oh.
- It's been my pleasure, ma'am.
- Oh, thank you very much.
Hey, Gil,
I loved the number.
Oh. Thank you.
There are almost a dozen
in the fleet now.
This is the baby,
my little jewel.
- Madam?
- Well, hello there.
Oh, how do you do?
Mr. Godwyn asked me to give you this.
Oh, thank you.
Would you excuse me,
please?
- How charming you look tonight.
- Thanks.
- Oh, Mr. Godwyn.
- Why aren't you dancing?
Because Mrs. Carruthers...
asked me to give you a message.
- Really.
- Yes. I have a feeling, sir...
that you're gonna get that promotion
you've been looking for.
Did... Did she say that?
She said she wants you
in her room...
A.S.P.C. A...
A.S.A.P.
Her room? Now?
Her exact words were...
Well, I don't remember them
off-hand, but, uh...
- Come on, man.
- Uh, "If not sooner. "
- Get on that dance floor.
- Yes, sir.
- Hi there.
- Yes?
Gotta deliver Godwyn's shirts
to his room.
- Oh, you need the key.
- I'm not gonna slip them under the door.
They'll get wrinkled.
Hello, hello, hello.
Oh, hello. You sure made
a fast recovery, didn't you?
Nothing like being young.
Why do you look at me as though
I were nothing but trouble?
- I like trouble.
- I like you too.
- How about a game of poker?
- Poker, okay.
But I gotta warn you, Carswell. This time,
I'm not tearing up any of your checks.
Domo.
I think you're a phony, chum,
and I'm going to prove it.
- Oh, boy.
- Nice to see you're relaxing tonight, Carswell.
- I beg your pardon?
- Take a hike. Hi.
To what do I owe
this pleasure?
- Two vodka stingers, and I lost my key.
- Oh.
- How about you?
- I work here.
You do?
Uh, do you do...
C.P.R.?
How does it go?
It's open.
Mrs. Carruthers?
Ellen.
Bit of bubbly?
Ace, queen bets.
I will check.
Check, check.
I check.
Two, please.
- I bet 20 grand.
- I'll take one.
- Hmm.
- Too rich for my blood.
I fold.
- Hmm.
- How much you bet?
- Twenty thousand dollars.
- Twenty thousand dollars.
Right.
Oopsy doopsy woopsy.
Call.
I'm out.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- You all right?
- Yes, of course I'm all right.
- Does anyone have a napkin or something?
- Card in sleeve. He's a cheat.
You were right, Mr. Gordon.
- Pretty sloppy, Carswell.
- That's disgusting.
- But to prove that he was a fraud.
I'm gonna overlook this whole thing
because you are an asshole.
Monsieur Gordon is right.
You are an asshole.
Gentlemen, I've never done anything
like this before in my life.
I'm afraid you'll have to leave
the casino, sir.
- Gentlemen, please believe me.
- It doesn't matter what we
believe, does it, Carswell?
Tra la.
All right. This hand is dead.
Everybody will get their money back.
- What say we go someplace
quiet for a night cap?
- Someplace quiet?
- Yeah.
- Right. Like your room, right?
- Wonderful suggestion.
- No.
No, that wasn't
my suggestion.
- Oh.
- Madam.
-Thank you. Oh,this is a nice suite,Charlie.
- Isn't that nice?
Charlie, about your cologne.
Oh, it's not cologne.
It's aftershave lotion.
You ever thought of,
uh, growing a beard?
- Oh, yeah. Sometimes.
- Oh. Uh-huh.
Uh...
Charlie?
Oh, Charlie.!
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
It should be another day
of calm seas and smooth sailing.
For your convenience, if you're in a hurry
to meet your shore tour for the eclipse...
Oh!
That's above and beyond
the call of duty.
Yeah. He should
make captain for that.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Oh!
Armor All?
I really had a good time
last night, Charlie.
- I really enjoyed myself.
- L-I... I just wanted...
Shh, shh.
You don't have to.
Oh. What happened
to the good-lookin' one?
This is
a good-lookin' one, Ma.
See you later.
Huh.
Yah! I'll race you
around the ship, pal.
Bravo! Bravissimo.!
Bravo!
After a lifetime of wandering
through the deserts of humanity...
- I find in you my oasis...
- That's terrible.
The doctors say I have
only a few more months.
Let's be married before
one more grain of sand...
flows through
the hourglass of mortality.
You barely know
this woman.
Liz, I would be honored
if you took my last name...
and put it
on your bank account.
That's the one.
All passengers
going ashore to view the eclipse...
please remember to wear
your protective eyewear.
Well, the one-ounce bottle
is beautiful.
- I'll take it.
- Okay.
I finally figured it out,
seeing you here in the gift shop.
Back at St. Vincent's? Seems like I was
always running into you in the gift shop.
St. Vincent?
Oh, my God.
It's Nurse Collins.
- Oh. I can't believe
that I didn't recognize you.
It's probably not one of your
better memories.
Oh, no, no. Come on.
Suzie was nuts about you.
- The feeling was mutual.
- Yeah.
You, on the other hand,
were a complete pain in the butt.
Yeah.
- I've got exactly 20 minutes.
How about a cup of coffee?
- Love it.
Passengers going ashore,
please report to tender deck, midship.
Even towards the end,
th-there were moments...
when-when...
when we both felt...
I don't know how...
That we weren't going
to let this thing beat us.
-Yeah.You guys were one of those couples.
- Yeah.
I remember on the last night... By
that time, there's so much medication...
who knows whether they understand
what's goin' on, but...
I remember you leaning
right down next to her ear...
telling her you'd be in love with her
always and forever.
Shejust had this...
I don't know.
It was like a light
in her eyes.
You knew she knew.
I shouldn't be saying this.
Oh, no, no.
It's nice, really.
It's fine. It's...
- Oh. Weren't you going ashore?
- Huh?
The eclipse.
I don't wanna miss it.
Oh, yeah.
Well, uh, listen, uh...
It-It was great...
- Oh.
- You know, seeing you.
Really. Very, very nice.
- Me too.
- Thank you.
The last tender
for shore departs in five minutes.
Please remember that all passengers
must return to ship by 4:30.
Liz, life drifts away...
- Like grains of sand
through an hourglass.
Charlie,I'm sorry.L-I...I just don't get
what you're trying to say to me.
- Liz.
- Yeah?
Even though we've only
known each other a short time...
That's true.
It's been short.
Liz, after a lifetime...
of going through a desert
of humanity, you...
Charlie! Charlie, Charlie!
Charlie, look!
Look! Look, Charlie!
It's happening,
and we're here to see it.
Even though...
Liz, will you listen to me for a minute?
- Even though we're like two ships
passing through the night...
- Why don't we get married, Charlie?
- Good idea.
Liz, will you marry me?
- Is that a yes?
- Yeah. That's a yes.
- Oh.
- I think we're missing it, sweetheart.
Always and forever, kiddo.
- Oh, no.
- Maybe he's in thejohn.
Mom?
- Hi. How'd it go?
- Great. We got it all on video.
Fine. I won't speak
for the rest of our marriage.
- Mom, how are you?
- I'm going home.
- All right, then we're gonna go with you.
- No. No. It's your anniversary.
- Celebrate it while you can.
- No,Mom,really.We can all go.That's fine.
I want to take care
of myself.
Do you understand?
I need to take care
of myself.
Explosions]
How'd it go
with Daddy Warbucks?
We're gettin' married.
Hot damn!
I knew we'd snag
one of'em.
Now here's
what we're gonna do.
We can plan a... What the hell's
the matter with you?
- Nothin'.
- Hallelujah.
I'm tellin' you, Liz,
we are in clover.
- What do you figure he's worth?
- I don't know. I don't care.
Well, I don't know...
but I do care.
We have spent our last two dimes
on this highfalutin' stateroom.
- Ma, I like him.
- Good for you.
He's... He's so sweet.
- And he's... He's... a decent man.
- Terrific.
And he makes me laugh.
You not only snagged yourself
a millionaire...
you're gonna have laughs
into the bargain.
Yeah.
The last tender
for shore departs in five minutes.
Please remember that all passengers
must return to ship by 4:30.
We will be raising the anchor at
5:00 p. m. And setting sail for Cozumel.
- Hell, he probably... He
probably changed his mind.
- No, Ma.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Oh, hi.
- Oh, you look enchanting.
- Oh, thank you.
Hello... Mother.
Charlie, don't
overshoot the runway.
I love family.
We'd better get goin'.
Oh, it's Mr. Gordon. Don't let this one
get away. He's a good one.
Mrs. Carruthers, Gil Godwyn,
this is Mavis and Liz "LaDreck. "
- LaBreche.
- How you doin'?
Hmm.
That's a familiar cologne, Mr. Gordon.
Yes. Thank you. You can
pick it up anywhere.
Matter of fact, I picked
some up this morning... on my pillow.
This guy's hilarious.
Liz, have you had the chance yet
of dancing with Mr. Gordon?
-No,not yet,but I'm looking forward to it.
-See you in the ballroom, Gordon...
with the rest
of the dance hosts.
With the rest
of the what?
Oh, he's always kidding around.
He thinks I should become a dance host.
Charlie, I'm confused here.
- You told me that you were
in mergers and acquisitions.
- Well, he is.
His job is to acquire a partner and
to merge with her on the dance floor.
Isn't that right, Gordon?
Liz, I was gonna
mention this to you.
That would have been
a good idea.
You see... Wait a minute, Liz.
Come back. Let me explain.
Where are you going,
Mother?
I hate losers.
Thanks a lot, pal.
Gil? What just happened?
- Well, where's your mother?
- She's not coming back on board.
You can tell your friend
she's going home.
- Where's my friend?
- Question of the day.
- What the hell are you doin' up here?
- Oh, hi.
Ah, Charlie, I'm...
I'm still in love with Suzie.
- It seems to present a problem.
- It's only a problem if you want it to be.
- Don't start with me, huh?
- Go on after Vivian. Go now.
- Look, I hardly know her.
- You know her, and you're crazy about her.
The question is, have you got the balls
to do anything about it?
- Well, I... I'm just not ready yet.
- Then get ready.
- You're here now. You're living.
You're breathing. You got a choice.
- I can't do it.
- Will you stop using Suzie as a safety net.
Wait a minute. Who in the hell
are you to tell me...
She was my sister
before she was your wife.
If she were here now,
she'd tell you the same thing.
But she is not here now,
is she, Charlie?
She's gone.
That's right, Herb,
but you're not.
- What the hell am I doin' here?
- That's what I asked you in the first place.
I am not authorized
to give you that information.
Hey, I'm not authorized to throw
your ass overboard, but I'll do it.
Now tell me
where she is.
You'd better tell him, mister. This man's
got a black belt in sum flung dung...
or one of them things.
Please.
All right, look. All I know is we got
a message that she's flying home.
- She's flying?
- Yes.
- From where?
- I have no idea.
All right, all right.
Stop the car. Stop the car.
Stop the car!
Stop... Stop the car.
Oh, my Lord!
Where in the...
Oh. Look, I don't think
you understand us at all.
We want to go
to the airport.
- S, seora. The airport.
- That thing?
- Oh, my Lord.
- I get the luggage.
No. Leave the luggage where it is, please.
Wait a minute.
I see somebody.
Right out of the corner of my eye.
Don't you move.
You stay right where you are.
Come on, dear.
Come on. Uh, excuse me,
but maybe you could help me.
This crazy cab driver's
tryin'to tell me that this is a...
- "aerioporto. "
- S.
- Ayayay.
-I don't believe this.I don't believe this.
All right, if this
is the "aerioporto... "
then maybe you can
show me a... a piloto.
- You're looking at him.
- What?
You want a lift,
sweetcakes?
- My God Almighty, did you
hear what he just called me?
- Sure did.
- Come on.
- Are you crazy? This is dangerous.
What's the matter, Charlie?
You afraid to live a little?
Living is good.
It's dying I'm worried about.
Where are Gordon and Sullivan?
And don't give me any of that
"code among comrades" crap.
Sir! Don't have
the foggiest. Sir!
Oh, bollocks!
Uh... Pardon me.
Pardon me.
This should be good.
- $500 cash.
- Are you out of your mind?
- That's too much money.
- That doesn't mean I ain't a good pilot.
Look at this. Look at this.
It's J.F.K. All of a sudden.
Buenas noches.
I have an idea, Ma.
Just stay with me.
Good evenin'. I don't know you,
but this man over here...
says that he will charge us $500
to get to a real airport.
Now, would you be interested
in splittin' that with us?
- Absolutely.
- You got a deal.
You wanna ride shotgun?
Don't touch me.
- Okay, get ready, kid.
- And where do we think we're going?
Oh, hi there. We're just gonna go
scouting for some icebergs.
You two geezers aren't going anywhere except
back to your cabin where you will stay...
Listen to me, you sniveling
little brownnose!
I have lived for 71 years,
I fought a war, I buried my wife...
and I have survived
48 white sales at Gimbel's.
So if you think that some little fop like you
is gonna stop me, you got another think comin!
How dare you
speak to me that way!
- May I speak to you for a moment, please?
- No, you may not!
Oh!
Way to go, Charlie!
I can't stop it, Charlie!
Hang on, Charlie!
We're gonna hit!
Bon voyage, meathead.
I hope your boat
capsizes...
and you drown
like bloody rats!
- Bye.!
- When that old bag makes me V. P...
I'll see to it you never work
another cruise ship...
as long as you live!
Hah!
Good evening, Ellen.
Eh...
- What are you doing out here?
- You know, Gil...
I find it hard to believe, but
it really is true. You are an asshole.
- Oh. I'm simply doing my job.
- Oh, you have no job.
You're fired.
Mac?
- As of now, you are my new C.D.
- No...
What about me?
You're...
his friend.
What the hell
is she talking about?
She's talkin' about
"button that button," you little prick.
Prick.
You know what
I don't see? Land.
- It's there.
- I see nothing but night.
Hope we don't get stranded.
You know, these are
shark-infested waters.
We're not
gonna get stranded.
They say that the big ones
will swallow you whole.
Swallow my what?
You're not helping me,
Charles.
- Here, let me do that.
- What makes you think you can do it?
- Because I'm taller than you are.
- Oh, that has nothin' to do with it, taller.
It's in...
It's in the wrist.
We did it.
- We did it.
- Yeah.
Well, it turns nicely.
Sit down, will ya, so I
can see where I'm goin'.
Eh!
- Are you from the cruise?
- Uh-huh.
- I thought so.
- Now, here he comes.
- Be careful. Watch your head.
- Good evening, ladies, and welcome aboard.
- Oh, my God.
- And thank you for choosing Vaya Azul.
Oh, my God.
Piece of shit.
Which one of the Wright brothers
did you buy this from?
Probably the one you
dated in high school.
Ooh! I feel so much better.
That's very reassuring.
We have a funny pilot!
Hold it! My God! What are you doing?
I wanna get out of here, Ma.
We're goin'!
We're goin'!
Take it easy now. Oh, my Lord!
There! A plane!
There's a plane.
- Is she in it?
- I don't know.
Do you see a telescope
attached to my head?
Oh, come on, baby.
Come on. Let's go.
- Come on, baby! Come on.
- Ooh-ooh!
Ah! Ah!
- Wait.! Wait.!
- Wait.! Wait.! Hold it.!
- Wait.! Stop.!
- Wait a minute.!
- Wait for us.!
- It's Herbie.! Herbie and his friend.!
Wait a minute.! Hold it.!
Oh, God.! Ah.!
Hold it!
Hold it!
Wait! Wait!
Wait a minute! Wait!
Down here!
- Hey!
- Hey!
Turn back!
They're not gonna hear a whistle,
for cryin' out loud.
Hey.!
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
- What are you doin'?
- You'll see.
- What are you doin'?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
What are you gonna do,
shoot down the plane?
Oh, my God.
It's a flare.
- See the flare?
- Now, turn for God sakes.
- See it? Turn.
- Turn.! Come back.!
Come back!
Turn around!
Ensign... Matowski.
- What?
- Herb.
Oh, my God.
That can't be Charlie.
No way.
- Turn the plane around.
- It's probably just...
- What is your problem?
- Just do it.
- Come back.!
- Do it, baby.!
Turn... Yes!
He's turning!
- Way to go!
- Whoa-ho! Ha-ha!
- Liz.
- Charlie.
- You're late.
- Yeah.
I had a little, uh,
trouble getting started.
The-The plane was...
Windy, you know?
- Yeah. Windy on the plane.
- It made my eyes water.
It does that, yeah.
Oh, look at that.
Liz.
From the first moment
I saw you on that ship...
-it was my intention to lie to you,I swear.
- Oh, that's sweet.
What I didn't intend was
falling in love with you.
Well, okay.
The deal is...
that I'm as big a liar
as you, Charlie.
- I highly doubt it.
- I'm broke.
- I'm sure you're exaggerating.
- No, I'm not.
Not even...
a couple hundred thousand?
Not even.
Zip. Flat broke.
Sorry. Door's open.
It's not too late. You can leave.
No. I don't wanna get out.
I don't wanna leave.
Uh, how long
is all this gonna take?
Hah! Couple of gold diggers
comin' up empty.
That's terrific.
We still got the check
from Carswell for $18,000.
Wait a minute. What are you
talkin' about? I saw you...
You taped it?
What do I look like, a schmuck?
The jury's still out
on that one.
Shut up, Ma.
We're keepin' him.
Thank you.
Fifty dollars apiece
for picking up the two studs.
They ought to give you
50 bucks each for callin' 'em studs.
Herbie,
lend me 50 bucks, will you?
All I got is this check.
You're not gettin'
a nickel out of me, Charlie.
- Let me just say...
- Did you come...
You got any, uh...
crack on you?
Instead... Instead of-of...
Instead of-of paying
for this cruise...
It's comin' to me.
See, we go to schmeer...
Baby, you talkin' about
humpback whales?
- I was talking about humping, actually.
- Yeah.
Ah! Ah! Ah!
I just found us a couple
of chest butchers that'll whip it out.
Where were you?
A pas... A passenger
requested an escort, sir.
Indeed.
A likely excuse.
So I slipped her one in the lifeboat.
Ah, shit.
Oh. Look who's here.
You better tell him, mister.
This man's got a martial arts thing...
in black belt schmeer.
So if you think that some snot-nosed
little fop like you...
is gonna m... stop me, then...
Pinch me, Walter.
So if you think some snotty little fop
like you is gonna change me...
or me up,
then, uh, I'll it up myself.
Even though we've
known each other for a short time...
The moon... is up your ass.
Keep looking at Dyan.
- Don't try to grab my thing.
- Oh, isn't that attractive.
- I wouldn't hold my thing.
- What about Walter's hand?
Oh, Char...
I really had a good time.
- I wanna tell you somethin'.
- Tell me. Tell me.
I have never had
a better piece of ass.
La la la la
la la la la...
Did I hear "cut"?
Great.!
Dismissed.