Planes, Trains and Automobiles (1987) Movie Script
Uh...
I got to go.
I got to go.
I got to catch
a plane.
Two hours of staring
at material
to decide to reconvene
after the holidays.
They're selling cosmetics,
not curing cancer.
Why aren't you going
to the airport?
Why bust my ass?
Take the 8:00 flight with me.
I told Susan
I'd be home by 9:00.
That's you.
I left my gloves
in Brian's office.
I don't need them
to fly home.
Would you pick them up?
I'll get them tomorrow.
Have a good holiday.
See you in Chicago.
You'll never
make the 6:00.
Ha ha!
Taxi!
Oof!
Cab! Cab!
Sir?
Sir? Sir?
Excuse me.
Could I appeal
to your good nature
and ask you
for your cab?
I don't have a good nature.
Excuse me.
Come on!
Could I offer you $ 10?
I'll take 50.
All right.
Anyone who would
pay $50 for a cab
would certainly pay $ 75.
Not necessarily.
All right, 75.
You're a thief.
Close. I'm an attorney.
Have a happy holiday.
This will help.
Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Hey, that's my cab!
That's my cab!
Pull over! Pull over!
All right. Pull over!
That's my cab!
Pull over, buddy!
You're messing
with the wrong guy!
This is my cab! Out!
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Your attention please.
Your attention please.
Mid-Central flight 909
to Chicago O'hare
has been delayed.
All passengers wishing
further information
please contact
the ticket agent.
When are Grandma and Grandpa
and Grandma
and Grandpa coming?
They'll be here
tomorrow, honey.
Mom?
You think Grandpa Walt
will give me a noogie?
Of course he'll
give you noogies.
It means he loves you.
Why don't I get noogies?
Because you get
Indian burns.
But I prefer noogies.
Keep an eye on your brother.
Hello.
Who is it?
Shh. Where are you?
Who is it?
Shh! It's Daddy.
Flight delay.
When will you be in?
No later than 10:00.
I'll wait up for you.
I know you, don't I?
I'm usually
good with names,
but I've forgotten yours.
You stole my cab.
I've never stolen
anything in my life.
I hailed a cab
on Park Avenue today.
Before I could get in,
you stole it.
You're the guy
who tried to get my cab.
I knew I knew you. Yeah.
You scared the bejesus
out of me.
It was awful easy getting a cab
during rush hour.
Forget it.
I can't forget it.
I am sorry.
I had no idea
that was your cab.
Let me make it
up to you somehow.
How about a hot dog
and a beer?
Uh, no, thanks.
Just a hot dog, then.
I'm picky about what I eat.
Some coffee.
No.
Milk?
No.
Soda? Some tea?
Lifesavers? Slurpee?
Sir, please.
Just let me know. I'm here.
I knew I knew you.
You should have discussed this
with the ticket agent.
I didn't know
he put me in coach.
I'm sorry.
First class is full.
I have a first class ticket.
You have a coach
seat assignment.
Hi, Larry.
Hi, Liz.
Here OK?
Oh, here, there.
Anywhere's fine.
Pardon me.
You'll get a refund
on the difference.
I want a seat
in first class
where I was booked
over a month ago.
I've had
enough of you.
Now take your seat.
You've had enough of me?
First you delay me,
then you bump me.
What happens next?
Is this a coincidence or what?
Have a seat.
I never did
introduce myself.
Del Griffith.
American Light
and Fixture...
Director of sales,
shower curtain ring division.
I sell shower
curtain rings.
Best in the world.
And you are?
Uh, Neal Page.
Neal Page.
Pleased to meet you, Neal Page.
So what do you do
for a living, Neal Page?
Marketing.
Marketing? Super.
Super. Fabulous.
Isn't that nice?
I don't want
to be rude, but...
I'm not much
of a conversationalist.
I'd like to finish
this article.
A friend wrote it, so...
Don't let me stop you.
Last thing I want to be
is an annoying
blabbermouth.
Nothing grinds my gears
worse than
some chowderhead
who can't keep
his trap shut.
Catch me running
off at the mouth,
give me a poke.
Ohh!
Ohh, that feels good.
Oh, God,
I'm telling you.
My dogs are barking today.
Whew!
Ohh!
That feels better.
Six bucks and my right nut
says we're not
landing in Chicago.
Hello.
Hi.
Where are you?
I'm in Wichita.
Wichita, Kansas?
Are you all right?
What happened?
We couldn't land
in Chicago.
I don't understand
what Wichita has to do
with a snowstorm
in Chicago?
What's going on, Neal?
We took off
from New York,
they closed Chicago,
we landed here.
Neal.
Trouble on the home front?
I really don't think that's
any of your concern.
The finest line
a man will walk
is between success at work
and success at home.
I got a motto...
like your work, love your wife.
Well, I'll remember that.
What's the flight situation?
Simple.
No way we'll get out
of here tonight.
We'd have more luck
playing pickup sticks
with our butt cheeks.
We'll find out soon enough.
By the time the airline
cancels this flight,
which they will eventually,
you'd have a better chance finding
a three-legged ballerina
than a hotel room.
I could be stuck here?
I'm saying
you are stuck here.
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have
your attention, please.
I'm sorry to announce
that we're canceling
flight 909
due to severe weather
in Chicago.
Hi, I was wondering
if you had any rooms
available for tonight?
Anything.
Anything will do.
I'm sorry.
Is there another motel...
Neal.
Hi.
Well?
Welcome to Wichita.
Did you book a room yet?
I, uh, couldn't
get in anywhere.
When we arrived,
you called home.
I called
the Braidwood Inn.
I missed that one.
I got an idea.
I know the manager.
If you pick up
the cab fare,
I'll make sure
you get a room.
Umm...
Yeah. Yeah, sure. Great.
All right.
Grab an end
of this thing, will you?
Thanks a lot.
Is this your trunk?
Yeah. You should try
lugging this thing
around New York City.
# Well,
it takes you up #
# And it
beats you down, yeah #
# It plays around #
# And it spends
your money... ##
Where the hell
is the motel?
Doobie,
is it much farther?
Not much.
Why didn't you
take the interstate?
Your friend
has never been here,
so I figured he'd like
to look around.
There's nothing
on the interstate.
It's the middle
of the night.
I know, but he's
proud of his town.
That's a rare thing
these days.
Take care of the luggage,
will you, Doobie?
OK, Del.
Get off of me.
Stick with me.
Evening, Gus.
Del Griffith,
how the hell are you?
Still a million bucks shy
of being a millionaire.
Gus, meet an old friend.
Neal Page, Gus Mooney.
Glad to meet you, Nick.
I told my friend you'd
give him a room tonight.
Do you have
a major credit card?
Do you still honor those discount
credit cards?
I'll have to charge you
for a double,
but with the discount,
it'll come out even.
We're a pretty good team.
We were on our way
to Chicago,
and the storm
brought us here.
I know.
I must have half your flight here.
Well, I guess you're all fixed,
so, uh, there you are.
Last room in the complex.
You mean sh-share?
Hey, easy on that.
OK.
Hell of a cab ride,
wasn't it?
Yeah, you don't see
cabs like that too often.
Want to take a shower?
No!
I meant, did you want to go first?
You-you thought...
I wouldn't...
What do you think I am?
Gee, that's funny.
Ah. Ah.
Oh, come...
come on.
Ah! Ouch, ouch, ouch!
To wear a pompadour...
Excuse me.
I'd switch pillows with you,
but I'm allergic to sponge.
I'd be sneezing all night
with that thing.
That's why I carry
my own pillow.
It's hypoallergenic.
I had no idea
those beer cans
would blow like that.
You left them
on a vibrating bed.
What did you think
would happen?
It just didn't
occur to me.
It didn't
occur to you,
so I have to sleep
in a puddle of beer.
You want to switch?
I just want to sleep.
Me, too.
I am bushed.
Good night.
Good night.
I'll have to burn the sheets!
What if the shoe
was on the other foot?
I'd go barefoot!
Traffic is resuming
at O'Hare field,
and flights will be
moving shortly.
Sorry.
Goddamn!
What, what?
That's it!
Without clearing my sinuses,
I'll snore all night.
If your kid spills his milk,
do you slap him?
What-what-what is that
supposed to mean?
You're not a very
tolerant person.
You've bugged me
since New York,
starting with
stealing my cab.
God, you're a tight-ass.
How would you like
a mouthful of teeth?
Oh, and hostile, too.
Nice personality combination...
hostile and intolerant.
That's borderline criminal.
Screw you.
You spilled beer
all over the bed,
you mess up
the bathroom...
Who let you stay?
I even let you pay,
so you wouldn't feel
like an intruder.
An intruder?
Right. You ruined a nice trip.
Who talked my ear off
on the plane?
Who was that?
I'm curious.
Who told you to book a room?
I did.
You're an ungrateful jackass.
Sleep in the lobby.
I hope you wake up so stiff
you can't even move.
You got a free cab,
a free room,
and someone
who will listen
to your boring stories.
Didn't you notice on the plane
when you started talking,
I started reading
the vomit bag?
Didn't that
give you some clue
that this guy's
not enjoying it?
Everything's not an anecdote.
You have to discriminate.
You choose things
that are funny
or mildly amusing
or interesting.
You're a miracle.
Your stories
have none of that.
They're not even
amusing accidentally.
Honey, meet Del Griffith.
He's got some
amusing anecdotes.
Here's a gun so you can
blow your brains out.
You'll thank me for it.
I could tolerate
any insurance seminar.
For days,
I could listen to them go on and on.
They'd say,
"How can you stand it?"
And I'd say,
"'Cause I've been with Del Griffith.
I can take anything. "
You know what they'd say?
"I know what you mean.
The shower curtain
ring guy. "
It's like going on a date
with a Chatty Cathy doll.
There should be
a string on your chest
that I pull out.
Except I wouldn't
pull it out, you would.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
By the way,
when you're telling
these little stories,
here's a good idea.
Have a point.
It makes it more interesting
for the listener.
You want to hurt me?
Go ahead if it
makes you feel better.
I'm an easy target.
Yeah, you're right.
I talk too much.
I also listen too much.
I could be a cold-hearted
cynic like you,
but I don't like to
hurt people's feelings.
Well, you think
what you want about me.
I'm not changing.
I like... I like me.
My wife likes me.
My customers like me.
'Cause I'm the real article.
What you see
is what you get.
Del.
Hmm? Yeah.
Why did you kiss my ear?
Why are you holding my hand?
Where's your other hand?
Between two pillows.
Those aren't pillows!
Aah!
Oh, no!
Ooh!
Oh!
Oh! Oh!
See that Bears' game
last week?
Hell of a game.
They're going all the way.
Ohh, yeow.
Neal, take my socks
out of the sink
if you're going
to brush your teeth.
Where are you?
I'm in Wichita.
I'm at a motel
with this guy
I met on the plane.
You shared a motel room
with a stranger?
Are you crazy?
I'm getting there.
Did you call the airline?
I have a good chance
of getting on standby.
If they told you
wolverines make
good house pets,
would you believe them?
I'm not spending
Thanksgiving in Wichita.
I'll get home.
Mmm.
Not by airplane.
They got 18 hours of air traffic
backed up.
We're going to be having
our turkey roll
right here.
If we wait
for the flight.
How else can we get home?
Burt Dingman.
He works for the railroad.
I sold them all their
shower curtain rings.
He owes me a favor.
I'll get that.
I paid for everything else.
Why break precedent?
You're making me feel
like a freeloader.
Get me on the train,
we're square.
You got it.
That's the easy part.
What?
You know goddamn well what.
I'm sorry. I don't.
I had over
$ 700 in here.
I'm a lot of things,
but I'm not a thief.
You went into my stuff
last night, right?
I didn't take your money.
I had over $ 700.
You went into
my wallet for pizza.
Just maybe
when you went into...
Count it!
Like you'd keep it
in there.
There's $263 in there.
If there's more,
you can call me a thief.
Count it!
Empty.
What?
We were robbed.
Do you think so?
I've been thinking.
What we're dealing with
is a smalltime crook.
He didn't take
the credit cards,
so we charge
our way home.
I've got a Visa
and a gasoline card.
Oh, and a Neiman-Marcus card
in case we want
to buy a gift.
What have you got?
Chalmer's Big and Tall
Men's Shoppe,
a seven-outlet chain in
the Pacific Northwest.
Unfortunately,
it does us no good here.
Get me to the train station,
and I'll take care
of everything else.
Gus' son is picking us up.
This is not him, is it?
Gee, I hope not.
Are you Gus' son?
I'm Owen.
You the shower
curtain fella?
Yeah. Yeah.
Del Griffith.
How are you?
This is Neal Page
from Chicago.
Hi.
Pleased to meet you both.
I'm to drive you to Wichita
to catch a train?
Yeah, we'd appreciate it.
Train don't run
out of Wichita.
'Lessen you're a hog
or cattle.
People train
runs out of Stubbville.
That'll be fine.
That'll be just fine.
Leave it be.
Get your lazy behind out here
and put that in back.
No. We've got it.
It's very heavy.
She don't mind.
She's short and skinny,
but she's strong.
Her first baby...
come out sideways.
She didn't scream
or nothing.
Isn't that something?
You're a real trooper.
We've got it already.
It's done.
You know, Stubbville's
a little further than Wichita.
How much further?
Maybe 40.
No more
than 45 though,
depending
on how he goes.
It could be anywhere
up to 70 miles.
Woof! Woof!
Give me the glove.
Ow! Just nipped.
Little part. Ooh!
Give him the goddamn glove!
Are we there yet?
No, a little way to go yet.
Beautiful country though,
isn't it?
What do you figure
the temperature is?
Thanks.
They didn't have
two together.
You got to
be kidding me.
Oh, I knew it.
The secretary was new,
and I explained it.
Oh, ge... I'm sorry.
They're just full.
It's the holidays,
I guess.
Hey, we're lucky
we got a ticket.
Yeah. So, if I don't see you again.
Want to meet for a drink
on the train?
I'm going to sleep.
You sure?
Yeah. Anyway,
it's been interesting.
That's the understatement
of the year.
And thanks
for the ticket.
Neal! I need your address.
I got to pay you back
for this ticket.
Ticket's a gift.
No, no. Come on now.
What's the address?
Del, it's a gift.
Happy holidays.
Same to you.
Hi.
Going home for Thanksgiving?
Yeah.
Me, too.
We're just going to make it.
What did you do here?
Do you smell smoke?
You walk a mile
to the highway.
The trucks will take you
into Jefferson City.
You're in a lousy mood, huh?
To say the least.
You ever travel
by bus before?
Hmm.
Your mood's probably
not going to improve much.
Neal, Neal.
Check that out.
Beats a movie on a plane, huh?
Take a picture.
It'll last longer.
You got busted.
Oh, that was good.
This is a good time
to tell you this.
Our tickets are
only good to St. Louis.
St. Louis to Chi-town
is booked tighter
than Tom Thumb's ass.
All right!
That was fun,
wasn't it?
All right.
Who wants to sing a tune?
Who's got a song?
I got one, uh...
Neal Page has got one.
No?
Wilma!
My name's Del Griffith.
I'm with the American
Light and Fixture Company,
jewelry division.
I've got a great deal.
This is your Diane Sawyer
autographed earring.
Do you ever watch Sixty Minutes?
Thanks.
This is Czechoslovakian ivory.
That's it. It's $5.00.
Great.
This is your
Walter Cronkite moon ring.
Thank you.
They are filled
with helium,
so they're very light.
Thank you.
This is an autographed
Darryl Strawberry earring.
All right!
These are very
special earrings.
These were originally
handcrafted
for the Grand Wizard of China
back in the fourth century.
These aren't
the originals,
but they are replicas.
Very good replicas, too.
They're selling
for $5.00 a pair.
I'm Marti Page,
and I'm thankful
that my dad's coming home
for Thanksgiving.
You know something?
It makes you look
a little older, too.
You could pass
for 18 or 19.
Did you call the wife?
No one was home.
Probably at my daughter's
Thanksgiving pageant.
Ohh.
You missed it.
I'm sorry. Those...
those are the precious moments, too.
They don't come back again.
I've been spending too much time
away from home.
I haven't been home
in years.
What, seriously?
It's a figure of speech.
I'm away so much,
it's like not being there.
I called a friend of mine
at Eastern Airlines.
It doesn't look good.
I know.
I called all the airlines.
Well, at least we're
sitting on over 100 beans
from my brilliant idea.
You're a terrific salesman.
You know, uh...
I've been thinking that when we put
our heads together,
we really...
we've really gotten nowhere.
And, uh...
you know,
I think I'm holding you up.
Don't say that
about yourself.
That's not true, Neal.
I think we'll get
where we're going a lot faster
if, uh...
we were alone.
OK?
OK.
I see.
I think I'll just
take care of this
and get going.
I appreciate that.
It's just harder for two people
to travel.
Yeah, sure.
If you've got
reservations...
I understand.
Thanks for the meal.
Yeah, that's all right.
And I owe you
some of this, too.
No, no, no, no.
This is your cut.
Take the money.
Buy your kids
a chocolate turkey.
I'm just going
to leave it there.
Then leave it. Fine.
I'm done, OK?
I've got to go,
so if you'll excuse me,
uh, I got things
to do, uh...
so, uh...
good luck,
and I hope
you get home soon.
I'll see you.
Yeah, sure you will.
It's a white
Lincoln town car,
space v-5.
V-5.
V-5.
V-5.
Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
The car's not there!
I need a ride back!
You...
God!
Goddamn it!
Goddamn it!
A- a-aah!
Whoo!
Oh, gee, Marie,
you're a stitch.
No, mom's doing
the turkey.
Yeah, dad wants ambrosia,
so I guess we'll get
those miniature marshmallows.
I'll do the crescent rolls,
you do the cranberries.
You know I can't cook.
Ohh...
Ahem.
I'll see you
tomorrow then.
Gobble gobble.
Ohh... bye-bye.
Welcome to Marathon.
May I help you?
Yes.
How may I help you?
You can start by wiping
that fucking dumb-ass smile
off your rosy
fucking cheeks.
Then give me
a fucking automobile.
A fucking Datsun,
a fucking Toyota,
a fucking Buick.
Four fucking wheels
and a seat.
I don't care for the way
you're speaking.
I don't care for the way
your company left me
in fucking nowhere
with keys to a fucking car
that isn't fucking there.
I didn't care to fucking walk
down a fucking highway
and across a fucking runway
to get back here
to have you smile
at my fucking face.
I want a fucking car
right fucking now.
May I see your
rental agreement?
I threw it away.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy, what?
You're fucked.
OK, 86, wake up.
You're going
to block the line.
Yeah, where you going?
Chicago.
Chicago?
Chicago.
You know you're
in St. Louis?
Yes, I do.
The airlines are faster,
and you get
a free meal.
If I wanted jokes,
I'd watch you
take a leak.
Don't just stand there
like a slab of meat
with mittens.
What are you doing?
I almost crushed your head
like a melon.
Del?
Move your car!
Just a minute, OK?
Get outta here!
What is your problem?
You insensitive asshole.
There's an injured man
down on the street.
Now, I'll move my car,
but you help him up.
No!
My pleasure.
Ohh...
I had a feeling
that when we parted ways,
somehow, someday,
our paths
would cross again.
Are you all right?
I've never seen
anyone get lifted
by his testicles before.
Lucky thing for you
that cop came when he did.
Otherwise,
you'd be lifting your schnutz
to tie your shoes.
I'm sorry.
That's terrible.
You know,
I'm glad I didn't kill you.
I'd be glad if you had.
Oh, you don't mean that.
Remember what I said?
Go with the flow.
How can I when
the rental car agency
leaves me keys
to a car that isn't there,
then I find out they
don't have any more cars?
I got a car,
no sweat at all.
Well, Del,
you're a charmed man.
Nope.
Oh, I know.
You just go
with the flow.
Like a twig
on the shoulders
of a mighty stream.
Would you please stop doing that
with the seat?
Once you screw
with these,
you never get comfortable.
Quit screwing with it.
I'm getting comfortable.
Do you have a bad back?
Well, I do,
and there's only
a couple good positions.
You're going to break it.
Ahh.
Done.
Ah, lovely.
Lovely, lovely.
Oh, damn it.
What now?
I can't reach my feet
to get my shoes off.
That's fine.
Leave your shoes on.
I can't relax
that way.
I don't care to breathe
your foot odor.
It must be swell being so perfect
and odor-free.
Things about you
bother me,
but I'm decent enough
not to bring them up.
What about me
bothers you?
There's lots of things.
Name one.
You want me to name one?
Fine, um...
you play with
your balls a lot.
I do not play
with my balls.
Larry Bird doesn't
handle the ball
as much as you do.
You trying
to start a fight?
I'm simply
stating a fact.
You fidget
with your nuts.
Know what make me happy?
Another couple of balls
and an extra set of fingers?
Oh, that's humor.
Oh, that's real humor.
I'd be happy if you rested
your mouth.
My pleasure.
I'd like a little silence.
No problem.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You broke the seat.
You broke the goddamn seat.
I don't believe it.
It wasn't broken
when I got out.
You broke it.
It's impossible
to break them.
Impossible?
You want to drive?
No. Why did you do this?
I won't be held responsible for
faulty engineering.
This is comfortable.
This is really comfortable.
I don't want to argue.
Let's not fight.
All right, all right.
Then I'm going to sleep.
All right.
I'm putting my wallet
in the glove compartment.
Don't let me
forget it.
All right.
That was Ray Charles
Doin' The Mess Around.
Weather's beginning
to clear up.
Hope you're
enjoying your evening.
It's almost
half past the hour...
Whew.
Oh, come on.
All right.
Oh!
Oh, shit!
Uhh...
Ohh...
Ahh...
There you go.
OK.
Think it out.
Just relax.
Let go! Let go.
Aah!
What's happening?
Oh, we almost hit a deer.
That's all.
Are you all right?
Yes, I'm fine.
Yes, I'm fine.
It's hot in here.
Take your parka off.
Yes. Yes, I will.
Holy shit!
That guy's on the wrong side.
He's going to
kill somebody!
Oh, my God!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey, what's going on?
Some joker wants to race.
Turn around!
Don't race.
It's ridiculous.
All right, come on.
Let's go. Let's go.
Put your window down!
He wants something.
He's probably drunk.
You're going
the wrong way!
What?
You're going
the wrong way!
He says we're going
the wrong way.
Oh, he's drunk.
How would he know
where we're going?
Yeah, how would he know?
Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
Terrific.
Thank you.
What a moron.
You're going in
the wrong direction!
You're going to kill somebody!
You're going
the wrong way!
Truck. Truck.
What?
Aah!
Ah ha ha ha ha!
Ah ha ha ha ha!
Well, this isn't so bad.
I thought it would be
a lot worse than this.
They'll be able
to buff this out.
Oh, yeah.
Wow!
I mean,
that was close.
We can laugh about it now.
We're all right.
The whole, uh...
Maybe we should just get my stuff
off the road, huh?
What do you think? Yeah.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Oh, my back!
Ohh!
God.
Ohh!
Ohh!
Come on.
Here we go.
Thanks.
Oh. Set it down
for a second.
Whew. What a night.
What?
What?
You finally did it
to yourself.
Huh?
I mean, good luck
turning the car in.
They'll be happy as pigs in shit
to see you.
How could you
rent the thing anyway
without a credit card?
You couldn't.
How could you do it?
I gave this gal
behind the counter
a set of
shower curtain rings.
You can't rent a car
with shower curtain rings.
Well, uh...
somehow your, uh...
diner's club card
wound up in my wallet,
and I, uh, just...
You stole it!
Not exactly.
You stole my card!
I didn't.
You stole my card, rented a car,
then burned it up!
I found it
in my wallet!
I thought you
put it there.
Why would I do that?
Kindness?
Kindness?
Kindness?
You stole it!
He stole it!
No, I didn't.
I was going to send it back to you
with whatever the rental car
charge was, plus interest.
You didn't give me your address.
What could I do?
You just ditched me.
I had no money,
no cards, nothing.
Give it back!
I can't!
Why not?
Because!
Because why?
When we stopped
to gas up,
I put the card back
in your wallet.
Ohh.
Are you mad at me?
Ohh!
Ohh!
You know,
you could've killed me,
slugging me in the gut
when I wasn't ready.
That's how Houdini died.
Ow. Ah!
One good thing about it...
with all this fresh air,
we'll sleep like babies.
Neal? Hey, hey, Neal,
Wait up.
I need one room.
If you're pissed at me,
we can get separate rooms.
Get your own room.
I'll need
a major credit card.
All right.
All right.
I have, uh...
Diner's...
Visa...
and a gasoline card.
Uh...
these aren't, uh,
credit cards.
All right,
I'll pay cash. Cash.
$42.50.
How about... $ 17?
I can't do that.
Please.
Have mercy.
I've been wearing
the same underwear
since Tuesday.
I can vouch for that.
I don't... I don't...
I don't own the place.
$ 17 and a hell of a nice watch.
Ouch.
Um, would you
like a room?
I got a slight problem here.
I don't have the $42.50.
You have $ 17
and a good watch?
No, I don't.
I have, uh...
I have $2.00
and, uh...
and a Casio.
Mmm.
I'm going to have to say
good night, so...
Well, Marie,
once again, my dear,
you were as right as rain.
I am, without a doubt,
the biggest pain in the butt
that ever came down the pike.
I meet someone whose
company I really enjoy,
and what do I do?
I go overboard.
I smother the poor soul.
I cause him more trouble
than he has a right to.
God, I got a big mouth.
Ohh.
When am I ever
going to wake up?
I wish you were here
with me right now.
But I guess...
that's not
going to happen.
Not now, anyway.
What did I do
to get hooked up
with this guy?
You're going to
freeze to death out there.
How's your drink?
Good.
Go for another one?
Where you been?
You been to Italy?
You had amaretto?
I have amaretto,
and this is a gin.
Is there a tequila there?
Ahem. A little Mexican trip.
Tequila?
Here you go.
Coming up.
Is this a good combo or what?
No, probably not.
Me, I'm going
back to, uh, Jamaica.
Jamaica, man.
Go to Jamaica.
Have some rum, man.
Dig it.
Iree, iree, man.
Oh, shit.
You know,
when I'm dead and buried,
all I'll have
to prove I was here
was some shower curtain rings
that didn't fall down.
Great legacy, huh?
At the very least,
at the absolute minimum,
you've got a woman
you love
to grow old with, right?
You love her, don't you?
Love is not a big enough word.
It's not a big enough word
for how I feel
about my wife.
To the wives.
To the wives.
Wow.
Well, let me just
close this conversation
by saying you are
one unique individual.
What is unique?
Uh... latin for asshole?
Grab those.
I'm going to kick them off.
As much trouble as I've had
on this little journey,
I'm sure one day
I'll look back and laugh.
You think so?
Oh, I'm laughing already.
Oh, God.
Oh, when that car blew up.
Was that seat hot or what?
I feel like a big whopper.
Turn me over.
I'm done on this side.
I'm afraid
to look at my ass.
I'm going to have
those griddle marks on my ass.
Ha ha ha.
Potato chips.
They're everywhere!
Aah!
Ha ha ha!
This feels
like summer camp.
Ha ha ha! Aah!
Now how the hell
does this turn off?
Ow!
Aah!
You all set?
Just a minute.
Give it a good push.
All right.
All right.
Oh, geez.
Push! Put some oomph into it!
I am! I am!
Push, for Christ sake!
We have to rock it.
All right. OK.
Up and down.
Here we go. Ready?
Yeah.
Here we go.
Reverse!
Aww!
Huh.
Get in!
Go!
Oh.
Oh, great.
Great. A cop.
Watch it!
How fast
are you going?
I can't tell.
The speedometer's melted.
Pull over.
Top of the morning,
officer.
Hi.
Is there something
I can help you with?
What the hell you driving?
We had a small fire
last night.
You have any idea how fast
you were going?
Our speedometer's melted.
It's hard to say
with any degree of accuracy
how fast we were going.
Well, yeah.
I can buy that. Sure.
You'd know better than us,
especially since
our speedometer's melted.
You feel this vehicle is safe
for highway travel?
Yes, I do.
It's not pretty,
but it will get you
where you want to go.
You got no outside mirror.
It's lost.
You have no
functioning gauges.
No, not a one.
However, the radio still works.
Funny as that may seem,
the radio's the only thing
that's really working good.
Don't ask me how.
I can't let you go.
Can't what?
It's not fit
for the road.
The vehicle
will be impounded
until it's made
safe for travel.
OK, officer, I admit
I broke the law,
and for that
I'm really sorry.
You got me there,
and I won't argue
one iota, I swear.
However, um...
if you impound our car,
I'll be unable
to get my friend home
for his Thanksgiving dinner.
Well, our ship has come in.
It's free and it's nonstop.
I said I'd get you home.
Just so the heater's working.
The driver's a little freaky
about people riding
in his cab.
We can't sit there.
Then where are we
supposed to ride?
Beats walking, huh?
You know,
you're going to be in Chicago
in less than three hours,
around there,
if we don't hit traffic,
and I don't think we should
since it's Thanksgiving.
We're moving now.
You believe this?
It's been a hell of a trip.
Sure has.
But, uh, after all
is said and done,
you did get me home.
Next time, let's go first class,
all right?
God, I hope there
isn't a next time.
I know.
This you?
Yeah.
It's been great meeting you.
I'm sorry if I caused
you any trouble.
You got me home,
and, uh...
a little late.
A couple days.
But, uh...
I'm a little wiser, too.
Me, too.
Happy holidays.
Same to you.
Happy Thanksgiving, Neal.
Give my love to the family.
Maybe I'll meet them someday.
Say hello to Marie for me.
Yeah.
So... OK.
And you have
a happy Thanksgiving.
Hey, you know it.
So long.
I like...
I like me.
My wife likes me.
At the very least,
the absolute minimum,
you've got
a woman you love
to grow old with, right?
I'm spending
too much time away.
I haven't been home
in years.
I haven't been home
in years.
I haven't been home
in years.
Del, what are you
doing here?
You said you were going home.
What are you doing here?
I, uh...
I don't have a home.
Marie's been dead
for eight years.
Boy, you are
one lucky guy, Neal.
I know.
I won't stay long.
Maybe I'll just say hi,
then be on my way.
Just come on.
Hiya, kiddo.
Daddy!
Hey!
Hey!
Neal's home!
Del Griffith,
meet my father-in-law Walt,
my mother-in-law Peg,
my mother Joy,
and my dad Martin.
Welcome, Del.
This little guy's
Neal Jr.,
my little gem Marti,
and somewhere around here
is my baby boy Seth.
Honey, I'd like you to meet
a friend of mine.
Hello, Mr. Griffith.
Hello, Mrs. Page.
You're messing
with the wrong guy!
I can take anything.
Who's that?
You're no saint.
I never did
introduce myself.
Del Griffith.
Del Griffith.
Del Griffith.
Del Griffith.
I can take anything.
Wow! Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
I mean, that was close.
You're messing
with the wrong guy!
We can laugh
about it now.
We're all right.
Ha ha ha!
Del Griffith. Del Griffith.
D- D-D-Del...
Who's that?
You're no saint.
Del Griffith.
Who's that?
I can take anything.
We can laugh about it.
How can you stand it?
How can you stand it?
Del Griffith.
Who's that?
Wow!
How can you stand it?
Del Griffith.
How can you stand it?
Ha ha ha!
I mean, that was close.
You're messing
with the wrong guy!
We can laugh
about it now.
We're all right.
Ha ha ha!
Del Griffith. Del Griffith.
D- D-D-Del...
Who's that?
No saint.
Del Griffith.
Who's that?
I can take anything.
Here's two.
You're three.
I got to go.
I got to go.
I got to catch
a plane.
Two hours of staring
at material
to decide to reconvene
after the holidays.
They're selling cosmetics,
not curing cancer.
Why aren't you going
to the airport?
Why bust my ass?
Take the 8:00 flight with me.
I told Susan
I'd be home by 9:00.
That's you.
I left my gloves
in Brian's office.
I don't need them
to fly home.
Would you pick them up?
I'll get them tomorrow.
Have a good holiday.
See you in Chicago.
You'll never
make the 6:00.
Ha ha!
Taxi!
Oof!
Cab! Cab!
Sir?
Sir? Sir?
Excuse me.
Could I appeal
to your good nature
and ask you
for your cab?
I don't have a good nature.
Excuse me.
Come on!
Could I offer you $ 10?
I'll take 50.
All right.
Anyone who would
pay $50 for a cab
would certainly pay $ 75.
Not necessarily.
All right, 75.
You're a thief.
Close. I'm an attorney.
Have a happy holiday.
This will help.
Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Hey, that's my cab!
That's my cab!
Pull over! Pull over!
All right. Pull over!
That's my cab!
Pull over, buddy!
You're messing
with the wrong guy!
This is my cab! Out!
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Your attention please.
Your attention please.
Mid-Central flight 909
to Chicago O'hare
has been delayed.
All passengers wishing
further information
please contact
the ticket agent.
When are Grandma and Grandpa
and Grandma
and Grandpa coming?
They'll be here
tomorrow, honey.
Mom?
You think Grandpa Walt
will give me a noogie?
Of course he'll
give you noogies.
It means he loves you.
Why don't I get noogies?
Because you get
Indian burns.
But I prefer noogies.
Keep an eye on your brother.
Hello.
Who is it?
Shh. Where are you?
Who is it?
Shh! It's Daddy.
Flight delay.
When will you be in?
No later than 10:00.
I'll wait up for you.
I know you, don't I?
I'm usually
good with names,
but I've forgotten yours.
You stole my cab.
I've never stolen
anything in my life.
I hailed a cab
on Park Avenue today.
Before I could get in,
you stole it.
You're the guy
who tried to get my cab.
I knew I knew you. Yeah.
You scared the bejesus
out of me.
It was awful easy getting a cab
during rush hour.
Forget it.
I can't forget it.
I am sorry.
I had no idea
that was your cab.
Let me make it
up to you somehow.
How about a hot dog
and a beer?
Uh, no, thanks.
Just a hot dog, then.
I'm picky about what I eat.
Some coffee.
No.
Milk?
No.
Soda? Some tea?
Lifesavers? Slurpee?
Sir, please.
Just let me know. I'm here.
I knew I knew you.
You should have discussed this
with the ticket agent.
I didn't know
he put me in coach.
I'm sorry.
First class is full.
I have a first class ticket.
You have a coach
seat assignment.
Hi, Larry.
Hi, Liz.
Here OK?
Oh, here, there.
Anywhere's fine.
Pardon me.
You'll get a refund
on the difference.
I want a seat
in first class
where I was booked
over a month ago.
I've had
enough of you.
Now take your seat.
You've had enough of me?
First you delay me,
then you bump me.
What happens next?
Is this a coincidence or what?
Have a seat.
I never did
introduce myself.
Del Griffith.
American Light
and Fixture...
Director of sales,
shower curtain ring division.
I sell shower
curtain rings.
Best in the world.
And you are?
Uh, Neal Page.
Neal Page.
Pleased to meet you, Neal Page.
So what do you do
for a living, Neal Page?
Marketing.
Marketing? Super.
Super. Fabulous.
Isn't that nice?
I don't want
to be rude, but...
I'm not much
of a conversationalist.
I'd like to finish
this article.
A friend wrote it, so...
Don't let me stop you.
Last thing I want to be
is an annoying
blabbermouth.
Nothing grinds my gears
worse than
some chowderhead
who can't keep
his trap shut.
Catch me running
off at the mouth,
give me a poke.
Ohh!
Ohh, that feels good.
Oh, God,
I'm telling you.
My dogs are barking today.
Whew!
Ohh!
That feels better.
Six bucks and my right nut
says we're not
landing in Chicago.
Hello.
Hi.
Where are you?
I'm in Wichita.
Wichita, Kansas?
Are you all right?
What happened?
We couldn't land
in Chicago.
I don't understand
what Wichita has to do
with a snowstorm
in Chicago?
What's going on, Neal?
We took off
from New York,
they closed Chicago,
we landed here.
Neal.
Trouble on the home front?
I really don't think that's
any of your concern.
The finest line
a man will walk
is between success at work
and success at home.
I got a motto...
like your work, love your wife.
Well, I'll remember that.
What's the flight situation?
Simple.
No way we'll get out
of here tonight.
We'd have more luck
playing pickup sticks
with our butt cheeks.
We'll find out soon enough.
By the time the airline
cancels this flight,
which they will eventually,
you'd have a better chance finding
a three-legged ballerina
than a hotel room.
I could be stuck here?
I'm saying
you are stuck here.
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have
your attention, please.
I'm sorry to announce
that we're canceling
flight 909
due to severe weather
in Chicago.
Hi, I was wondering
if you had any rooms
available for tonight?
Anything.
Anything will do.
I'm sorry.
Is there another motel...
Neal.
Hi.
Well?
Welcome to Wichita.
Did you book a room yet?
I, uh, couldn't
get in anywhere.
When we arrived,
you called home.
I called
the Braidwood Inn.
I missed that one.
I got an idea.
I know the manager.
If you pick up
the cab fare,
I'll make sure
you get a room.
Umm...
Yeah. Yeah, sure. Great.
All right.
Grab an end
of this thing, will you?
Thanks a lot.
Is this your trunk?
Yeah. You should try
lugging this thing
around New York City.
# Well,
it takes you up #
# And it
beats you down, yeah #
# It plays around #
# And it spends
your money... ##
Where the hell
is the motel?
Doobie,
is it much farther?
Not much.
Why didn't you
take the interstate?
Your friend
has never been here,
so I figured he'd like
to look around.
There's nothing
on the interstate.
It's the middle
of the night.
I know, but he's
proud of his town.
That's a rare thing
these days.
Take care of the luggage,
will you, Doobie?
OK, Del.
Get off of me.
Stick with me.
Evening, Gus.
Del Griffith,
how the hell are you?
Still a million bucks shy
of being a millionaire.
Gus, meet an old friend.
Neal Page, Gus Mooney.
Glad to meet you, Nick.
I told my friend you'd
give him a room tonight.
Do you have
a major credit card?
Do you still honor those discount
credit cards?
I'll have to charge you
for a double,
but with the discount,
it'll come out even.
We're a pretty good team.
We were on our way
to Chicago,
and the storm
brought us here.
I know.
I must have half your flight here.
Well, I guess you're all fixed,
so, uh, there you are.
Last room in the complex.
You mean sh-share?
Hey, easy on that.
OK.
Hell of a cab ride,
wasn't it?
Yeah, you don't see
cabs like that too often.
Want to take a shower?
No!
I meant, did you want to go first?
You-you thought...
I wouldn't...
What do you think I am?
Gee, that's funny.
Ah. Ah.
Oh, come...
come on.
Ah! Ouch, ouch, ouch!
To wear a pompadour...
Excuse me.
I'd switch pillows with you,
but I'm allergic to sponge.
I'd be sneezing all night
with that thing.
That's why I carry
my own pillow.
It's hypoallergenic.
I had no idea
those beer cans
would blow like that.
You left them
on a vibrating bed.
What did you think
would happen?
It just didn't
occur to me.
It didn't
occur to you,
so I have to sleep
in a puddle of beer.
You want to switch?
I just want to sleep.
Me, too.
I am bushed.
Good night.
Good night.
I'll have to burn the sheets!
What if the shoe
was on the other foot?
I'd go barefoot!
Traffic is resuming
at O'Hare field,
and flights will be
moving shortly.
Sorry.
Goddamn!
What, what?
That's it!
Without clearing my sinuses,
I'll snore all night.
If your kid spills his milk,
do you slap him?
What-what-what is that
supposed to mean?
You're not a very
tolerant person.
You've bugged me
since New York,
starting with
stealing my cab.
God, you're a tight-ass.
How would you like
a mouthful of teeth?
Oh, and hostile, too.
Nice personality combination...
hostile and intolerant.
That's borderline criminal.
Screw you.
You spilled beer
all over the bed,
you mess up
the bathroom...
Who let you stay?
I even let you pay,
so you wouldn't feel
like an intruder.
An intruder?
Right. You ruined a nice trip.
Who talked my ear off
on the plane?
Who was that?
I'm curious.
Who told you to book a room?
I did.
You're an ungrateful jackass.
Sleep in the lobby.
I hope you wake up so stiff
you can't even move.
You got a free cab,
a free room,
and someone
who will listen
to your boring stories.
Didn't you notice on the plane
when you started talking,
I started reading
the vomit bag?
Didn't that
give you some clue
that this guy's
not enjoying it?
Everything's not an anecdote.
You have to discriminate.
You choose things
that are funny
or mildly amusing
or interesting.
You're a miracle.
Your stories
have none of that.
They're not even
amusing accidentally.
Honey, meet Del Griffith.
He's got some
amusing anecdotes.
Here's a gun so you can
blow your brains out.
You'll thank me for it.
I could tolerate
any insurance seminar.
For days,
I could listen to them go on and on.
They'd say,
"How can you stand it?"
And I'd say,
"'Cause I've been with Del Griffith.
I can take anything. "
You know what they'd say?
"I know what you mean.
The shower curtain
ring guy. "
It's like going on a date
with a Chatty Cathy doll.
There should be
a string on your chest
that I pull out.
Except I wouldn't
pull it out, you would.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
By the way,
when you're telling
these little stories,
here's a good idea.
Have a point.
It makes it more interesting
for the listener.
You want to hurt me?
Go ahead if it
makes you feel better.
I'm an easy target.
Yeah, you're right.
I talk too much.
I also listen too much.
I could be a cold-hearted
cynic like you,
but I don't like to
hurt people's feelings.
Well, you think
what you want about me.
I'm not changing.
I like... I like me.
My wife likes me.
My customers like me.
'Cause I'm the real article.
What you see
is what you get.
Del.
Hmm? Yeah.
Why did you kiss my ear?
Why are you holding my hand?
Where's your other hand?
Between two pillows.
Those aren't pillows!
Aah!
Oh, no!
Ooh!
Oh!
Oh! Oh!
See that Bears' game
last week?
Hell of a game.
They're going all the way.
Ohh, yeow.
Neal, take my socks
out of the sink
if you're going
to brush your teeth.
Where are you?
I'm in Wichita.
I'm at a motel
with this guy
I met on the plane.
You shared a motel room
with a stranger?
Are you crazy?
I'm getting there.
Did you call the airline?
I have a good chance
of getting on standby.
If they told you
wolverines make
good house pets,
would you believe them?
I'm not spending
Thanksgiving in Wichita.
I'll get home.
Mmm.
Not by airplane.
They got 18 hours of air traffic
backed up.
We're going to be having
our turkey roll
right here.
If we wait
for the flight.
How else can we get home?
Burt Dingman.
He works for the railroad.
I sold them all their
shower curtain rings.
He owes me a favor.
I'll get that.
I paid for everything else.
Why break precedent?
You're making me feel
like a freeloader.
Get me on the train,
we're square.
You got it.
That's the easy part.
What?
You know goddamn well what.
I'm sorry. I don't.
I had over
$ 700 in here.
I'm a lot of things,
but I'm not a thief.
You went into my stuff
last night, right?
I didn't take your money.
I had over $ 700.
You went into
my wallet for pizza.
Just maybe
when you went into...
Count it!
Like you'd keep it
in there.
There's $263 in there.
If there's more,
you can call me a thief.
Count it!
Empty.
What?
We were robbed.
Do you think so?
I've been thinking.
What we're dealing with
is a smalltime crook.
He didn't take
the credit cards,
so we charge
our way home.
I've got a Visa
and a gasoline card.
Oh, and a Neiman-Marcus card
in case we want
to buy a gift.
What have you got?
Chalmer's Big and Tall
Men's Shoppe,
a seven-outlet chain in
the Pacific Northwest.
Unfortunately,
it does us no good here.
Get me to the train station,
and I'll take care
of everything else.
Gus' son is picking us up.
This is not him, is it?
Gee, I hope not.
Are you Gus' son?
I'm Owen.
You the shower
curtain fella?
Yeah. Yeah.
Del Griffith.
How are you?
This is Neal Page
from Chicago.
Hi.
Pleased to meet you both.
I'm to drive you to Wichita
to catch a train?
Yeah, we'd appreciate it.
Train don't run
out of Wichita.
'Lessen you're a hog
or cattle.
People train
runs out of Stubbville.
That'll be fine.
That'll be just fine.
Leave it be.
Get your lazy behind out here
and put that in back.
No. We've got it.
It's very heavy.
She don't mind.
She's short and skinny,
but she's strong.
Her first baby...
come out sideways.
She didn't scream
or nothing.
Isn't that something?
You're a real trooper.
We've got it already.
It's done.
You know, Stubbville's
a little further than Wichita.
How much further?
Maybe 40.
No more
than 45 though,
depending
on how he goes.
It could be anywhere
up to 70 miles.
Woof! Woof!
Give me the glove.
Ow! Just nipped.
Little part. Ooh!
Give him the goddamn glove!
Are we there yet?
No, a little way to go yet.
Beautiful country though,
isn't it?
What do you figure
the temperature is?
Thanks.
They didn't have
two together.
You got to
be kidding me.
Oh, I knew it.
The secretary was new,
and I explained it.
Oh, ge... I'm sorry.
They're just full.
It's the holidays,
I guess.
Hey, we're lucky
we got a ticket.
Yeah. So, if I don't see you again.
Want to meet for a drink
on the train?
I'm going to sleep.
You sure?
Yeah. Anyway,
it's been interesting.
That's the understatement
of the year.
And thanks
for the ticket.
Neal! I need your address.
I got to pay you back
for this ticket.
Ticket's a gift.
No, no. Come on now.
What's the address?
Del, it's a gift.
Happy holidays.
Same to you.
Hi.
Going home for Thanksgiving?
Yeah.
Me, too.
We're just going to make it.
What did you do here?
Do you smell smoke?
You walk a mile
to the highway.
The trucks will take you
into Jefferson City.
You're in a lousy mood, huh?
To say the least.
You ever travel
by bus before?
Hmm.
Your mood's probably
not going to improve much.
Neal, Neal.
Check that out.
Beats a movie on a plane, huh?
Take a picture.
It'll last longer.
You got busted.
Oh, that was good.
This is a good time
to tell you this.
Our tickets are
only good to St. Louis.
St. Louis to Chi-town
is booked tighter
than Tom Thumb's ass.
All right!
That was fun,
wasn't it?
All right.
Who wants to sing a tune?
Who's got a song?
I got one, uh...
Neal Page has got one.
No?
Wilma!
My name's Del Griffith.
I'm with the American
Light and Fixture Company,
jewelry division.
I've got a great deal.
This is your Diane Sawyer
autographed earring.
Do you ever watch Sixty Minutes?
Thanks.
This is Czechoslovakian ivory.
That's it. It's $5.00.
Great.
This is your
Walter Cronkite moon ring.
Thank you.
They are filled
with helium,
so they're very light.
Thank you.
This is an autographed
Darryl Strawberry earring.
All right!
These are very
special earrings.
These were originally
handcrafted
for the Grand Wizard of China
back in the fourth century.
These aren't
the originals,
but they are replicas.
Very good replicas, too.
They're selling
for $5.00 a pair.
I'm Marti Page,
and I'm thankful
that my dad's coming home
for Thanksgiving.
You know something?
It makes you look
a little older, too.
You could pass
for 18 or 19.
Did you call the wife?
No one was home.
Probably at my daughter's
Thanksgiving pageant.
Ohh.
You missed it.
I'm sorry. Those...
those are the precious moments, too.
They don't come back again.
I've been spending too much time
away from home.
I haven't been home
in years.
What, seriously?
It's a figure of speech.
I'm away so much,
it's like not being there.
I called a friend of mine
at Eastern Airlines.
It doesn't look good.
I know.
I called all the airlines.
Well, at least we're
sitting on over 100 beans
from my brilliant idea.
You're a terrific salesman.
You know, uh...
I've been thinking that when we put
our heads together,
we really...
we've really gotten nowhere.
And, uh...
you know,
I think I'm holding you up.
Don't say that
about yourself.
That's not true, Neal.
I think we'll get
where we're going a lot faster
if, uh...
we were alone.
OK?
OK.
I see.
I think I'll just
take care of this
and get going.
I appreciate that.
It's just harder for two people
to travel.
Yeah, sure.
If you've got
reservations...
I understand.
Thanks for the meal.
Yeah, that's all right.
And I owe you
some of this, too.
No, no, no, no.
This is your cut.
Take the money.
Buy your kids
a chocolate turkey.
I'm just going
to leave it there.
Then leave it. Fine.
I'm done, OK?
I've got to go,
so if you'll excuse me,
uh, I got things
to do, uh...
so, uh...
good luck,
and I hope
you get home soon.
I'll see you.
Yeah, sure you will.
It's a white
Lincoln town car,
space v-5.
V-5.
V-5.
V-5.
Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
The car's not there!
I need a ride back!
You...
God!
Goddamn it!
Goddamn it!
A- a-aah!
Whoo!
Oh, gee, Marie,
you're a stitch.
No, mom's doing
the turkey.
Yeah, dad wants ambrosia,
so I guess we'll get
those miniature marshmallows.
I'll do the crescent rolls,
you do the cranberries.
You know I can't cook.
Ohh...
Ahem.
I'll see you
tomorrow then.
Gobble gobble.
Ohh... bye-bye.
Welcome to Marathon.
May I help you?
Yes.
How may I help you?
You can start by wiping
that fucking dumb-ass smile
off your rosy
fucking cheeks.
Then give me
a fucking automobile.
A fucking Datsun,
a fucking Toyota,
a fucking Buick.
Four fucking wheels
and a seat.
I don't care for the way
you're speaking.
I don't care for the way
your company left me
in fucking nowhere
with keys to a fucking car
that isn't fucking there.
I didn't care to fucking walk
down a fucking highway
and across a fucking runway
to get back here
to have you smile
at my fucking face.
I want a fucking car
right fucking now.
May I see your
rental agreement?
I threw it away.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy, what?
You're fucked.
OK, 86, wake up.
You're going
to block the line.
Yeah, where you going?
Chicago.
Chicago?
Chicago.
You know you're
in St. Louis?
Yes, I do.
The airlines are faster,
and you get
a free meal.
If I wanted jokes,
I'd watch you
take a leak.
Don't just stand there
like a slab of meat
with mittens.
What are you doing?
I almost crushed your head
like a melon.
Del?
Move your car!
Just a minute, OK?
Get outta here!
What is your problem?
You insensitive asshole.
There's an injured man
down on the street.
Now, I'll move my car,
but you help him up.
No!
My pleasure.
Ohh...
I had a feeling
that when we parted ways,
somehow, someday,
our paths
would cross again.
Are you all right?
I've never seen
anyone get lifted
by his testicles before.
Lucky thing for you
that cop came when he did.
Otherwise,
you'd be lifting your schnutz
to tie your shoes.
I'm sorry.
That's terrible.
You know,
I'm glad I didn't kill you.
I'd be glad if you had.
Oh, you don't mean that.
Remember what I said?
Go with the flow.
How can I when
the rental car agency
leaves me keys
to a car that isn't there,
then I find out they
don't have any more cars?
I got a car,
no sweat at all.
Well, Del,
you're a charmed man.
Nope.
Oh, I know.
You just go
with the flow.
Like a twig
on the shoulders
of a mighty stream.
Would you please stop doing that
with the seat?
Once you screw
with these,
you never get comfortable.
Quit screwing with it.
I'm getting comfortable.
Do you have a bad back?
Well, I do,
and there's only
a couple good positions.
You're going to break it.
Ahh.
Done.
Ah, lovely.
Lovely, lovely.
Oh, damn it.
What now?
I can't reach my feet
to get my shoes off.
That's fine.
Leave your shoes on.
I can't relax
that way.
I don't care to breathe
your foot odor.
It must be swell being so perfect
and odor-free.
Things about you
bother me,
but I'm decent enough
not to bring them up.
What about me
bothers you?
There's lots of things.
Name one.
You want me to name one?
Fine, um...
you play with
your balls a lot.
I do not play
with my balls.
Larry Bird doesn't
handle the ball
as much as you do.
You trying
to start a fight?
I'm simply
stating a fact.
You fidget
with your nuts.
Know what make me happy?
Another couple of balls
and an extra set of fingers?
Oh, that's humor.
Oh, that's real humor.
I'd be happy if you rested
your mouth.
My pleasure.
I'd like a little silence.
No problem.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You broke the seat.
You broke the goddamn seat.
I don't believe it.
It wasn't broken
when I got out.
You broke it.
It's impossible
to break them.
Impossible?
You want to drive?
No. Why did you do this?
I won't be held responsible for
faulty engineering.
This is comfortable.
This is really comfortable.
I don't want to argue.
Let's not fight.
All right, all right.
Then I'm going to sleep.
All right.
I'm putting my wallet
in the glove compartment.
Don't let me
forget it.
All right.
That was Ray Charles
Doin' The Mess Around.
Weather's beginning
to clear up.
Hope you're
enjoying your evening.
It's almost
half past the hour...
Whew.
Oh, come on.
All right.
Oh!
Oh, shit!
Uhh...
Ohh...
Ahh...
There you go.
OK.
Think it out.
Just relax.
Let go! Let go.
Aah!
What's happening?
Oh, we almost hit a deer.
That's all.
Are you all right?
Yes, I'm fine.
Yes, I'm fine.
It's hot in here.
Take your parka off.
Yes. Yes, I will.
Holy shit!
That guy's on the wrong side.
He's going to
kill somebody!
Oh, my God!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey, what's going on?
Some joker wants to race.
Turn around!
Don't race.
It's ridiculous.
All right, come on.
Let's go. Let's go.
Put your window down!
He wants something.
He's probably drunk.
You're going
the wrong way!
What?
You're going
the wrong way!
He says we're going
the wrong way.
Oh, he's drunk.
How would he know
where we're going?
Yeah, how would he know?
Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
Terrific.
Thank you.
What a moron.
You're going in
the wrong direction!
You're going to kill somebody!
You're going
the wrong way!
Truck. Truck.
What?
Aah!
Ah ha ha ha ha!
Ah ha ha ha ha!
Well, this isn't so bad.
I thought it would be
a lot worse than this.
They'll be able
to buff this out.
Oh, yeah.
Wow!
I mean,
that was close.
We can laugh about it now.
We're all right.
The whole, uh...
Maybe we should just get my stuff
off the road, huh?
What do you think? Yeah.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Oh, my back!
Ohh!
God.
Ohh!
Ohh!
Come on.
Here we go.
Thanks.
Oh. Set it down
for a second.
Whew. What a night.
What?
What?
You finally did it
to yourself.
Huh?
I mean, good luck
turning the car in.
They'll be happy as pigs in shit
to see you.
How could you
rent the thing anyway
without a credit card?
You couldn't.
How could you do it?
I gave this gal
behind the counter
a set of
shower curtain rings.
You can't rent a car
with shower curtain rings.
Well, uh...
somehow your, uh...
diner's club card
wound up in my wallet,
and I, uh, just...
You stole it!
Not exactly.
You stole my card!
I didn't.
You stole my card, rented a car,
then burned it up!
I found it
in my wallet!
I thought you
put it there.
Why would I do that?
Kindness?
Kindness?
Kindness?
You stole it!
He stole it!
No, I didn't.
I was going to send it back to you
with whatever the rental car
charge was, plus interest.
You didn't give me your address.
What could I do?
You just ditched me.
I had no money,
no cards, nothing.
Give it back!
I can't!
Why not?
Because!
Because why?
When we stopped
to gas up,
I put the card back
in your wallet.
Ohh.
Are you mad at me?
Ohh!
Ohh!
You know,
you could've killed me,
slugging me in the gut
when I wasn't ready.
That's how Houdini died.
Ow. Ah!
One good thing about it...
with all this fresh air,
we'll sleep like babies.
Neal? Hey, hey, Neal,
Wait up.
I need one room.
If you're pissed at me,
we can get separate rooms.
Get your own room.
I'll need
a major credit card.
All right.
All right.
I have, uh...
Diner's...
Visa...
and a gasoline card.
Uh...
these aren't, uh,
credit cards.
All right,
I'll pay cash. Cash.
$42.50.
How about... $ 17?
I can't do that.
Please.
Have mercy.
I've been wearing
the same underwear
since Tuesday.
I can vouch for that.
I don't... I don't...
I don't own the place.
$ 17 and a hell of a nice watch.
Ouch.
Um, would you
like a room?
I got a slight problem here.
I don't have the $42.50.
You have $ 17
and a good watch?
No, I don't.
I have, uh...
I have $2.00
and, uh...
and a Casio.
Mmm.
I'm going to have to say
good night, so...
Well, Marie,
once again, my dear,
you were as right as rain.
I am, without a doubt,
the biggest pain in the butt
that ever came down the pike.
I meet someone whose
company I really enjoy,
and what do I do?
I go overboard.
I smother the poor soul.
I cause him more trouble
than he has a right to.
God, I got a big mouth.
Ohh.
When am I ever
going to wake up?
I wish you were here
with me right now.
But I guess...
that's not
going to happen.
Not now, anyway.
What did I do
to get hooked up
with this guy?
You're going to
freeze to death out there.
How's your drink?
Good.
Go for another one?
Where you been?
You been to Italy?
You had amaretto?
I have amaretto,
and this is a gin.
Is there a tequila there?
Ahem. A little Mexican trip.
Tequila?
Here you go.
Coming up.
Is this a good combo or what?
No, probably not.
Me, I'm going
back to, uh, Jamaica.
Jamaica, man.
Go to Jamaica.
Have some rum, man.
Dig it.
Iree, iree, man.
Oh, shit.
You know,
when I'm dead and buried,
all I'll have
to prove I was here
was some shower curtain rings
that didn't fall down.
Great legacy, huh?
At the very least,
at the absolute minimum,
you've got a woman
you love
to grow old with, right?
You love her, don't you?
Love is not a big enough word.
It's not a big enough word
for how I feel
about my wife.
To the wives.
To the wives.
Wow.
Well, let me just
close this conversation
by saying you are
one unique individual.
What is unique?
Uh... latin for asshole?
Grab those.
I'm going to kick them off.
As much trouble as I've had
on this little journey,
I'm sure one day
I'll look back and laugh.
You think so?
Oh, I'm laughing already.
Oh, God.
Oh, when that car blew up.
Was that seat hot or what?
I feel like a big whopper.
Turn me over.
I'm done on this side.
I'm afraid
to look at my ass.
I'm going to have
those griddle marks on my ass.
Ha ha ha.
Potato chips.
They're everywhere!
Aah!
Ha ha ha!
This feels
like summer camp.
Ha ha ha! Aah!
Now how the hell
does this turn off?
Ow!
Aah!
You all set?
Just a minute.
Give it a good push.
All right.
All right.
Oh, geez.
Push! Put some oomph into it!
I am! I am!
Push, for Christ sake!
We have to rock it.
All right. OK.
Up and down.
Here we go. Ready?
Yeah.
Here we go.
Reverse!
Aww!
Huh.
Get in!
Go!
Oh.
Oh, great.
Great. A cop.
Watch it!
How fast
are you going?
I can't tell.
The speedometer's melted.
Pull over.
Top of the morning,
officer.
Hi.
Is there something
I can help you with?
What the hell you driving?
We had a small fire
last night.
You have any idea how fast
you were going?
Our speedometer's melted.
It's hard to say
with any degree of accuracy
how fast we were going.
Well, yeah.
I can buy that. Sure.
You'd know better than us,
especially since
our speedometer's melted.
You feel this vehicle is safe
for highway travel?
Yes, I do.
It's not pretty,
but it will get you
where you want to go.
You got no outside mirror.
It's lost.
You have no
functioning gauges.
No, not a one.
However, the radio still works.
Funny as that may seem,
the radio's the only thing
that's really working good.
Don't ask me how.
I can't let you go.
Can't what?
It's not fit
for the road.
The vehicle
will be impounded
until it's made
safe for travel.
OK, officer, I admit
I broke the law,
and for that
I'm really sorry.
You got me there,
and I won't argue
one iota, I swear.
However, um...
if you impound our car,
I'll be unable
to get my friend home
for his Thanksgiving dinner.
Well, our ship has come in.
It's free and it's nonstop.
I said I'd get you home.
Just so the heater's working.
The driver's a little freaky
about people riding
in his cab.
We can't sit there.
Then where are we
supposed to ride?
Beats walking, huh?
You know,
you're going to be in Chicago
in less than three hours,
around there,
if we don't hit traffic,
and I don't think we should
since it's Thanksgiving.
We're moving now.
You believe this?
It's been a hell of a trip.
Sure has.
But, uh, after all
is said and done,
you did get me home.
Next time, let's go first class,
all right?
God, I hope there
isn't a next time.
I know.
This you?
Yeah.
It's been great meeting you.
I'm sorry if I caused
you any trouble.
You got me home,
and, uh...
a little late.
A couple days.
But, uh...
I'm a little wiser, too.
Me, too.
Happy holidays.
Same to you.
Happy Thanksgiving, Neal.
Give my love to the family.
Maybe I'll meet them someday.
Say hello to Marie for me.
Yeah.
So... OK.
And you have
a happy Thanksgiving.
Hey, you know it.
So long.
I like...
I like me.
My wife likes me.
At the very least,
the absolute minimum,
you've got
a woman you love
to grow old with, right?
I'm spending
too much time away.
I haven't been home
in years.
I haven't been home
in years.
I haven't been home
in years.
Del, what are you
doing here?
You said you were going home.
What are you doing here?
I, uh...
I don't have a home.
Marie's been dead
for eight years.
Boy, you are
one lucky guy, Neal.
I know.
I won't stay long.
Maybe I'll just say hi,
then be on my way.
Just come on.
Hiya, kiddo.
Daddy!
Hey!
Hey!
Neal's home!
Del Griffith,
meet my father-in-law Walt,
my mother-in-law Peg,
my mother Joy,
and my dad Martin.
Welcome, Del.
This little guy's
Neal Jr.,
my little gem Marti,
and somewhere around here
is my baby boy Seth.
Honey, I'd like you to meet
a friend of mine.
Hello, Mr. Griffith.
Hello, Mrs. Page.
You're messing
with the wrong guy!
I can take anything.
Who's that?
You're no saint.
I never did
introduce myself.
Del Griffith.
Del Griffith.
Del Griffith.
Del Griffith.
I can take anything.
Wow! Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
I mean, that was close.
You're messing
with the wrong guy!
We can laugh
about it now.
We're all right.
Ha ha ha!
Del Griffith. Del Griffith.
D- D-D-Del...
Who's that?
You're no saint.
Del Griffith.
Who's that?
I can take anything.
We can laugh about it.
How can you stand it?
How can you stand it?
Del Griffith.
Who's that?
Wow!
How can you stand it?
Del Griffith.
How can you stand it?
Ha ha ha!
I mean, that was close.
You're messing
with the wrong guy!
We can laugh
about it now.
We're all right.
Ha ha ha!
Del Griffith. Del Griffith.
D- D-D-Del...
Who's that?
No saint.
Del Griffith.
Who's that?
I can take anything.
Here's two.
You're three.