Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987) Movie Script
Take it, brother.
Let me break you.
Man, that was funky.
-Fore!
-Well, I guess the meeting's started.
-Howdy, sir?
-Mahoney! Jones!
Thank you, Sweetchuck.
I've had the most wonderful news
about my new program.
-What new program is that, sir?
-My citizens on patrol.
I call it C.O.P. for short.
Has a nice policey ring to it,
don't you think?
What is C.O.P., sir?
What is the most frustrating thing
about police work?
-Not being able to carry hand grenades.
-Separate locker rooms, sir.
Icky blue uniforms.
I always thought
that the most frustrating thing was that...
we couldn't be everywhere at once
to solve every crime.
So the public ends up
thinking of us as enemies.
Wouldn't it be wonderful
if we could all be friends?
Officer Mahoney, please come in.
Have some lemonade. I love lemonade.
-Not too tart, not--
-Too sweet, just good.
So C.O.P. is
a community action program, sir.
-Like Neighborhood Watch?
-More. Much more!
We show the community that we care.
We train volunteers in crime detection,
in first-aid and....
-And it's a great idea, sir.
-But we need citizen support.
With all this neighborhood crime,
I'm sure you'll get it.
-Fore!
-Right. What if we were to....
What was that?
I believe brother Sweetchuck
is suggesting...
we recruit in our old neighborhood.
Excellent. We have the full support
of the Mayor...
and best of all, the Governor of the state
wants me to unveil the program...
at the end of
the International Police Seminar...
next month in England.
While I attend the seminar...
you, my good friends...
will put C.O.P. into action.
It will change community relations
all around the world.
The Lassard Method.
It rolls nicely off the tongue,
don't you think?
Hi! What did I miss?
Hi.
Capt. Harris,
Police Commissioner Hurst is here.
You want to see him?
No. Send him packing.
Yes, sir.
-Proctor!
-Yes, sir?
Send the Commissioner in immediately.
-I thought you said to send him packing.
-Immediately!
Yes, sir.
Nincompoop.
Commissioner.
-You have a problem, Capt. Harris?
-Yes, sir.
Commissioner, I am extremely concerned
with this memorandum from Lassard...
about his C.O.P. program.
Citizens doing police work?
An asinine idea.
If this goes through, no policeman's job,
no policeman's paycheck, will be safe.
Are you through, Captain?
The Governor of this state thinks
that this program is absolutely brilliant.
So until he changes his mind,
that's what you and I think, too.
Agreed?
-Yes, sir.
-Good.
You were right.
You should have sent him packing.
I don't give a damn
what the Governor or the Mayor thinks.
Lassard's program is a mistake...
and anyone who thinks otherwise
is wrong.
Pure and simple.
Don't touch those!
Don't you ever touch my balls
without asking!
You're gonna have to leave.
I'll call the police. I mean it.
Okay, I'm going. I'm out of here.
Wait a minute. I am the police.
-No, you're not.
-That's me. I'm here to speak about C.O.P.
I'm sorry. I didn't....
Without the uniform on--
Regular human clothes
make people more comfortable.
Hi, ladies. Let's do some poetry!
I got to go to my in-laws'
for dinner tonight.
You want to come?
Officer Hightower,
I'm here to join the new C.O.P. Program.
Do I know you?
Yeah, you used to
bounce me on your knee.
-I did?
-Yeah. Little Tommy Conklin.
-But now they call me House.
-Tommy Conklin.
Sure. Welcome aboard.
You can register right over there.
"Blind mouth that scare themselves
"know how to hold a sheep-hook
"Or have learned aught else at least
"that to the faithful Herdsmans
art belongs! "
That was exciting.
We have an Officer Zed,
who's here to tell us...
a little bit about a new police program.
So won't you....
Thank you very much.
I'm sorry.
I'm an emotional, sensitive guy...
and that part about the sheep-hook
just tore my heart right out.
I have my own poem
that I prepared for you today.
"Gene, Gene made a machine...
"and Joe, Joe made it go.
"l blew a fart
and blew the whole damn thing apart."
What is he saying?
I didn't write it.
Okay, I'd like to talk to you
about what we're here for...
and that's for me to pitch
the new C.O.P. program to you.
Perhaps a few of you ladies
might be interested in it.
So the bartender asked the organ grinder,
"Hey, does your monkey sing any opera?"
And I said, "Nope.
"But if you hit me on the head,
I'll sing Yankee Doodle. "
It's so nice to have my family
all back together again.
-Can you pass the lettuce, Pop?
-Sure, honey. Here you go.
-Thanks, Pop.
-You're welcome. Hey, listen...
did I tell you I'm gonna join
that Citizen On Patrol thing?
That would be a great idea.
I'd be proud to have you at the precinct.
I'll take some more greens, Bud.
-Dad.
-Yeah?
I don't think you should sign up.
There are already three of us on the force.
-It's going to look like favoritism.
-That's not it.
That's not it at all. You just don't think
I'm fast enough anymore, do you?
I don't think that's it, do you, Tack?
It has nothing to do with being fast.
Now, that was fast.
You know, that was fast.
But that's hard.
Excuse me.
I think Bud hurt Pop's feelings.
Oh, you two.
Oh, well, who wants pie?
-I was just trying to help.
-You hurt my arm.
-I'll hand the rest out. Hi.
-Hi.
Could I interest you
in the new citizens program?
-No, I don't think so.
-No, thanks.
-We'll take the stairs.
-Thanks, just the same.
Excuse me!
Would you be interested
in the new citizens program?
-Yes, in fact, we didn't hear you right.
-Sure, here.
-Why don't you hand the rest of them out?
-Thank you very much. Goodbye, sir.
-Arnie, where are you going?
-Home. I got a boatload of stuff to do.
I got a term paper due tomorrow,
and a history test.
I got to help my father clean the cellar,
and I have to do the dishes tonight.
What are you doing?
-I'll get the guys and hang out at the mall.
-Let's go.
I thought I told you guys,
no skateboarding in my district.
This isn't skateboarding, Sergeant.
This is carrying skateboards.
This is skateboarding.
-We got to check this out, you guys.
-Take it easy.
We'll see you later.
I'll see you later.
I want to check out these guys.
All right, I'll be back.
Hey, Sarge, look at that.
Kyle, that skateboard punk. Let's nail him.
Boy, you sure give them a hard time.
Yeah. Fun, isn't it?
You don't listen, do you, Kyle?
I was shopping
for Capt. Harris' birthday present.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Shop somewhere else.
Your Honor....
Here, Judge. Stop him! Hold up!
Excuse me, pardon me.
Excuse me, my fault.
-Watch it!
-Stop! Stop that skateboarder! Hold it!
I can do that, that handstand stuff.
I just hate it
when the change falls out of my pocket.
Hey, man,
I think these guys want to talk to you.
Hold it!
Capt. Harris will hear about this!
Come.
-Sir.
-Copeland, what the hell happened to you?
Some skateboard punks
started a riot at the mall.
Bring them in here.
-They got away.
-They got away?
-I did the best I could, sir.
-It wasn't enough, was it, Copeland?
-No, sir.
-I'll handle these punks personally.
-Yes, sir.
-I want three patrol cars...
dissecting the neighborhood.
Copeland, my hat!
-Yes, sir.
-You, radio-alert all motorcycle units.
I want a chopper in the air.
Spot these boys on the ground.
Proctor, ride with me.
-Now, Proctor, move it!
-Coming, sir.
Be right there!
There they go!
Back it up. Quiet!
I said quiet, dickhead.
We've got them now.
I know they came in here.
Unit 6 to Capt. Harris.
We've got them at the end of the alley.
I got you now!
You hold them right there. We're coming.
Copeland, have you got them?
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Carey Mahoney of the Police Academy.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Please. Thank you. You're too kind.
It's Harris. Haul ass. Go.
I got you, you little punks.
Freeze, you little hoodlums.
Get your hands off my ass, Proctor.
Get away, Proctor.
No. Don't shake the fence.
Oh, shit. No!
The purpose of this program...
is to develop a better working relationship
between us, the police...
When he says, "Okay, boys and girls,"
we're all gonna....
...and you, the community.
Stop! Stop right there!
You see, the great thing is, this is a first.
The Police Academy has offered to train
you citizens to better protect yourselves.
-You'll be trendsetters.
-Do we get to pack heat?
Heat--
Stop those little punks! Stop them!
You're under arrest!
Are you all right?
Who's laughing now, you little twits?
And your clothes make me want to puke.
I'll tell you that right now.
-Capt. Harris!
-Well, well, Mahoney.
-It's been a long time, sir.
-So it has.
Well, Motormouth Jones.
Anyone ever tell you
you've got a great tailor, sir?
I mentioned that just last week.
Has anyone told you, Mahoney,
that you're still a little pissant?
-No one whose opinion matters, sir.
-What did Arnie and Kyle do?
You know those clowns?
I should have figured.
Your little pals wrecked a police car,
destroyed a shopping mall...
harassed citizens, resisted arrest.
Go easy, Captain. They're just wacky kids.
We'll see how those wacky kids
like it in jail.
In all my years on the bench,
I have seen all sorts of public disorder.
Young people must learn to conform...
to the standards and laws
of civilized society.
In reviewing the testimony
and taking into account...
your disregard
for public and private property...
I can reach only one decision:
Guilty as hell.
You flushed me down the toilet!
Before you pass sentence--
They're gonna send me to jail,
and some fat, hairy guy is gonna--
-May I approach the bench, Your Honor?
-Yes, Sergeant.
Sir, do we want to expose these boys,
these children to a prison environment?
-Yes.
-May I run my own court, Captain?
-You've got a better idea?
-Yes, I do, sir.
Comdt. Lassard has initiated
a new community relations program.
Why not assign these kids...
to that program
as a form of alternate sentencing?
-That's ridiculous!
-I'll be the judge of that.
I.... Excuse me.
I like the sound of this
community relations gig.
Milt Butterworth,
defender of the common man.
Your Honor, look at this list of complaints.
And I quote you directly, sir, when I say--
Gee, sir, I thought you only got
contempt of court for opening your mouth.
Mahoney, I'm warning you.
You keep Lassard's C.O.Ps
out of my precinct.
You don't understand
what I'm trying to do.
I understand
exactly what you're trying to do.
Just keep them out,
especially these two little buttwads.
Excuse me, sir,
but you're not planning to attack us...
with any more of your bodily functions,
are you?
You just make sure
that we never meet again. Ever.
You know, with those two idiots
in Lassard's program, it'll never work.
Excuse me, sir.
We're looking for a Mrs. Feldman.
-Do you know her?
-Yes.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Do you know a Mrs. Lois--
-Where can we find Lois Feldman, please?
-There.
Thank you.
Mrs. Feldman?
-Who's asking?
-Police.
Is it about those damn library books?
We're following up on your alleged
interest in the Citizens On Patrol program.
Then I'm Mrs. Feldman. Come on in.
Callahan, cover your rear.
I admire your taste.
Yes, well, I do all my own decorating.
You have a talent for it, ma'am.
I'll be with you in a moment, Sarge.
Perhaps you'd like to discuss
the program first, ma'am.
What's to discuss?
Think I want to hang out here
and listen to arteries hardening?
Where did I put that bulletproof vest?
All right, fall in! Come on, please, line up.
Come on, I need a lineup here.
Hello, ma'am. Ladies and gentlemen--
-Thank you, Miss....
-Mrs. Feldman.
I want to welcome all of you
to the Academy.
You are part of a new
and exciting program that I call...
-C.O.P.
-C.O.P.
-Citizens On Patrol.
-Citizens On Patrol.
-Citizens On Patrol!
-Citizens On Patrol!
You will work and train with the police.
The police will work and train with you.
Working and training,
training and working.
Excuse me, Commandant.
But do you expect the community
to do the job of the police force?
There are many, many jobs
for many, many people.
Sir, I'll take care of this.
Excuse me, young lady,
what the Commandant means...
is that this program
will promote understanding...
between the community and the police...
and make the community
more active in crime prevention.
Active in crime prevention?
Won't that be dangerous?
No. We just want to teach citizens...
to prevent crimes from taking place.
It sounds fine in theory.
Let's hope it works in practice.
I like him. He's a really nice fish.
He looks a little like you.
I will attend
an international police seminar in London.
It would be
the crowning achievement of my career...
if I could close this seminar...
by bringing instructors
from all around the world...
here to watch
the C.O.P. program in action.
I'm counting on all of you
to make that possible.
In Comdt. Lassard's absence...
I've appointed a very able-bodied
and experienced officer...
to run the Academy.
Perfect timing. Here he is now.
Attention!
Two weeks of Harris? Damn!
Damn.
Deodorant? Thanks.
Straighten this mess up.
-What mess?
-Now!
I want all of you dirtbags
and that group of C.O.P. people...
out in front of this dormitory
at 1400 hours.
Move it!
Sir, we were just commenting
on how you'd mellowed.
-Captain?
-What is it, Mahoney?
I hope you're gonna
give this program a fair chance.
This program, Mahoney,
is just like you: a bad idea.
That's your opinion, sir.
But this is Comdt. Lassard's idea,
and his Academy.
Things can change, Mahoney.
Yes, things can change.
I'll see you out front.
I bet that was refreshing, sir.
Over the next two weeks...
you'll go through
a modified training program.
You'll learn many, many keys
to crime prevention.
Keys you can teach many, many others
in your community.
Modified? Modified nothing.
I want the works.
-Yeah.
-Madam...
I think it's time for a dose of reality.
You can forget Lassard's hype.
You people do not belong here.
Especially you and you.
Community action groups mean one thing,
and one thing only.
I hope that wasn't gum.
You heard the Captain. Is it?
It's definitely gum, sir. Bubble gum.
Cherry, I think.
-Thank you, Proctor.
-You're welcome, sir.
These groups only mean
citizens getting in the way of the police.
Now, I don't get involved
in your business...
and I don't want you involved in my--
Now, if you were smart...
you would go home
and forget this stupid idea....
Are those wedding bells I hear, sir?
-Whose damn mutt is this?
-It's my damn mutt.
I want him out of here!
-But, sir--
-Out!
I am not getting rid of Clarence.
He's my pet.
Why should you?
After all, Harris has Proctor.
I'll take him.
I have a big house, nice yard.
See, he likes me. We'll get along fine.
Me, too? I'm housebroken.
Come on, C.O.Ps,
let's step up to the white line!
Let's line ourselves up with a slot,
then let's listen to Mr. Jones.
Thank you, Sgt. Tackleberry.
This is a standard police issue.38.
Examine this weapon carefully.
You must be sure
this weapon is not loaded.
You will be responsible for the loading
and unloading of this weapon yourself.
Now, Sgt. Tackleberry.
You want to become one with the gun.
Feel the gun, caress the gun...
until it's a living, breathing, vibrating...
extension of yourself.
I look for the same in a woman.
This sucker's not loaded.
You won't be using live ammo.
Tack, how about letting me squeeze off
a few rounds of that baby?
Tack?
Affirmative, Mrs. F.
Now, be careful
because a.44 magnum has quite a...
kick.
Damn, that was fun!
Rescuing the drowning victim.
Now, when approaching
a potentially dangerous...
and out-of-control victim,
use this stroke only.
Arms out of the way for protection.
Now, when you get the victim in control,
you slip your arm across his chest...
under his opposite arm.
Rest his head and his neck
against your shoulder.
Kick with your feet.
Now, your victim could be struggling.
Struggle, House. Good, House....
House!
Really swift! I'll get him!
Arnie, get out of the pool! You just ate!
Get him out of here!
Thanks, pal.
Now we have an opportunity
to start our water safety lesson.
I will play the drowning victim.
Now, who's going to save me?
-Yeah!
-Yeah!
That was mighty brave. I admire that.
That was nothing.
You don't have a hair dryer,
or perhaps some mousse?
No. Your hair looks nice. It's very stylish.
Moi?
Stylish?
I think I'd better be going.
Mickey!
He's dead! He killed him!
-I'm sure the Academy will pay for it.
-What about the sentimental value?
This is a family heirloom here.
This is the last thing I ever stole
before joining the Academy.
What the hell is this? Cadets in heat?
No. We were just, like, talking.
Just, like, talk somewhere else.
This is not a spawning pool.
I want discipline.
Do I make myself clear, Zed?
Discipline!
-Jerk.
-What?
He said bye.
No. I said jerk. I think it was pretty clear.
-I said, "Jerk."
-Jerk.
Cadets, I'd now like to discuss with you...
something that will be
vital for you to know...
when you're, like, out there on the job
as a police officer.
And that's the correct way
to eat a doughnut.
-A doughnut--
-Attention!
Capt. Harris.
From this moment on, anyone
who misplaces their canister of Mace...
will be reprimanded and fined.
-Is that clear?
-Yes, sir!
Bye.
As Citizens On Patrol...
endurance and longevity
should be very important to you.
Aerobic activity will keep you in shape...
and keep that heart rate up.
Music, however,
makes it a little less painful.
Hooks, cassette.
I have confidence that Sgt. Hooks
has chosen the appropriate music.
No cassette.
Let's go.
Nice selection, Hooks. All right.
Slow walk. Slow start.
Keep your arms moving. That's good.
Into a nice slow jog. Okay!
Arms moving. Keep breathing.
Don't forget to breathe.
Tuck his tummy, Hooks. Attagirl. Let's go.
Now, this whistle can be very valuable...
when walking through
a bad neighborhood.
If your purse gets snatched,
blow this whistle...
to alert your neighbors and the police
so they can help.
Now, Mrs. Feldman,
would you play the victim?
-Yes.
-Okay, and I'll be Mr. Purse Snatcher.
-Okay.
-Go.
Any questions?
Now, practice.
You had him for, like, a minute.
He was scared. He was, like, flinching.
His face went....
Sorry.
Citizens On Patrol. What a joke.
-You know what C.O.P. really stands for?
-No, sir. What?
-Collection Of Pissants. That's not funny.
-No, sir.
This citizen-action crap is a disaster,
a bad idea, and I'm going to prove it.
Yes, sir.
Excuse me, everyone.
I mean, not everyone.
Attention! Excuse me. Move it!
-Everybody, come over here!
-Hooks.
Stop embarrassing the Police Department
and join your civilian buddies.
May I have your attention, please?
Hooks, the tank!
-I'm so sorry.
-You dimwit!
Today, Hooks, today.
Now, take your little munchkin voice
and go away.
Listen up!
This is the proper procedure
for administering oxygen.
You place the mask securely
about the face of the patient...
and then have them breathe deeply.
Now, that is the way it's done
in Capt. Harris' precinct.
What the hell? Hooks!
So you gentlemen think
you're on a vacation?
You're no better than anyone else,
so let's go, let's get to work.
Come on, dudes, chill out.
You dudes are setting a bad example.
Can't hear you, bro. Can't you see
I'm getting my beauty sleep?
I'm sorry.
Move it!
You sure told them.
Did you ever think about
maybe getting some contact lenses...
or something, like, you know?
You'd look good in them.
Proctor, this is an alley.
I know, sir, but these are the directions
Mahoney gave me.
-Mahoney?
-Yes, sir.
He says this restaurant
has the best salad bar in town.
It damn sure better have.
-Proctor.
-Yes, sir?
I don't see a salad bar.
Look, maybe they serve seafood.
That's not funny, you idiot.
What are you looking at, you peckerhead?
Nice uniform.
Makes me wish I'd worn my sailor outfit.
I'm getting out of here. Move it!
I don't think cutting in is allowed, sir.
Nice collar.
Here we go again. Next round.
Mahoney weaving his way through...
looking pretty good.
Gets past the main defense.
And, under the leg!
Nice shot!
That man is a hot dog.
The crowd's gone wild!
The ball's brought in.
Here we go. We have the play going.
Throws to Zed.
A little bit of a steal there.
Mahoney throws a pass to Hightower.
And then Hightower he....
The Doctor of Dunk scores!
You killed it. Really swift!
Some community action.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's Lt. Proctor, a ghetto favorite!
Thank you very much.
I'm honored to be--
You know,
Capt. Harris isn't gonna like this...
goofing off.
-Come on. This is community relations.
-No, Mahoney.
I'm an expert in goofing off,
and this is goofing off.
And I'm gonna have to tell him.
-I have an urge to break him in half.
-Why fight it?
No, Hightower. Take it easy, big guy.
The creep's not worth it.
-You through in there?
-Sure, go ahead.
Thanks.
Excuse me, Silvio?
I wonder if you can help me.
I need some help over here.
-Right there.
-No problem.
Hold your horses, I'll be out in a minute!
Okay, like, bring it in.
Just, like, bring it in a hair.
Watch out for the plane!
Oh, the humanity!
Okay, that's perfect. No, that's fine.
-Metro police.
-Special assignment.
Ladies and gentlemen...
please rise for our national anthem.
-Read that part about me again, Arnie.
-What part?
You know, the part about
the dynamic leader of the C.O.P.
Get real! That's me they're talking about.
Good evening, gentlemen.
I congratulate you on another good day.
Sleep well.
Count, getting worried
we're gonna be taking over soon?
We're ready.
You're improving, guys. But you're still
way down in the food chain.
As we vampires say, "Lights out, suckers."
This C.O.P. bit is a breeze.
-We are ready.
-I concur.
I think we're ready to bust
some truly major criminals.
Maybe we should go out and find some....
-Maybe we should become vigilantes.
-Yeah, that's it. Vigilantes.
Wake up, men! We need you. Now!
Come on.
-What's going on? Where are we going?
-Why are we here? What's happening?
You're here because you're ready.
You said you were ready.
-One thing l--
-You're ready, now.
Could you be a little more specific
concerning our current mission?
-We're apprehending two known felons.
-I'll be going home now.
-Where are the rest?
-What rest? We're it.
-We'll flush them out of the building.
-You stay behind, cut them off in the alley.
Stay.
What about guns and shit, man?
Guns? No, you won't be needing them.
We're pretty sure they're not armed.
They can handle this without us.
We'll just get in the way, you know.
Good thinking.
We got them, men!
It's all right, men. Come on over.
All right, you three
will be riding in the back with Badula...
and his late brother.
You guys keep him subdued.
Let's go.
Don't let his voodoo
mumbo jumbo scare you.
Fools. To think
they can kill the brother of Badula.
I never thought that.
That I could reach into the belly of a yak
and rip out his heart.
That would bring him back to life?
No, man. I'm hungry.
Listen, we're going for some burgers
and fries. We'll be right back.
Out of my way!
I guess they weren't as ready
as they thought they were.
You can take the mask off now, Tack.
-Proctor.
-Yes, sir?
-Who are all these people?
-They're here for the party, sir.
What party?
A few of the Citizens On Patrol members
invited a few of their friends...
and they invited a few of their friends.
You know how it goes, sir.
-A party?
-Yes, sir.
A party? Why wasn't I told?
Hey, Callahan. Hey, Hooks.
Attention, ladies and gentlemen!
Ladies and gentlemen,
can I please have your attention?
I'd like to thank you all for coming!
Let's party!
-Move those patooties.
-Excuse me.
All police officers out of the pool!
Let's go! Out, everybody out!
Sir, why don't you just
let everyone enjoy themselves?
Why don't you just
kiss my rosy red ass, Mahoney?
Rosy?
Get out of that pool now!
Just look at yourself.
You are a disgrace to the uniform!
Go get changed. Move it.
-What are we looking for?
-This.
-Why, Capt. Harris.
-Miss Mattson.
-Hello.
-How are you?
Have you seen Clarence?
Don't you let that fleabag near me.
Clarence is crazy about you, Captain.
Let me just call him over.
-No.
-For a second?
-No.
-Okay. Bye.
Wipe those grins off your faces,
buttbreaths! Dismissed!
Dr. Berman, please pick up line two.
Dr. Berman, line two, please.
-You shouldn't be in here.
-How is Capt. Harris?
-We'll do all we can.
-Please, be gentle.
I heard what Harris said, and he's wrong.
It happens to me all the time.
People just don't understand me.
Maybe if you talked a little slower,
a little softer....
That's not what I meant. I meant
people don't know who I really am.
Now I got to worry about my diction, too?
-How's my sentence structure?
-Perfect.
In fact, I think you're just about perfect.
I think I'm going to puke.
Hi, sir. How are you feeling?
I have to wait
for the damn glue to wear off.
I didn't catch that.
Was that, "the dim shoot to snare off"?
I said I have to wait
for the damn glue to wear off.
So I asked her,
"Do you always work under podiums?"
Commandant?
Why, Chief Hurst,
this is a splendid, splendid surprise!
You remember Nogata?
He's part of our Japanese contingent.
This is Chief Hurst.
We have heard many, many
wonderful things about you and your city.
I've been helping them with their English.
-Please, sit. Please.
-Thank you.
I hope you'll find the time
to see our beautiful city firsthand.
In fact, I've just flown here personally...
to extend the Mayor's invitation...
to see my....
To see Comdt. Lassard's
community program in action.
We are convinced
that this program will serve...
as a model for cities around the world.
We would be honored
to accept your invitation.
-Wonderful.
-Please, come.
-Auf Wiedersehen.
-Arrivederci.
Bonsoir.
I see you've been teaching them
something other than English.
I do what I can.
-So my program is really, really working?
-Hell, yes.
Starting tomorrow,
C.O.Ps will be working the streets.
C.O.P. emergency. Feldman here.
Meet me at the corner of
Clark and Main Street at the warehouse.
10-4, Mrs. F.
-$40, we're agreed?
-Okay, $40.
Snap off a few shots for evidence.
Get closer.
I saw this on Hill Street Blues.
It's a fencing operation.
You're gonna love these.
We just unloaded a van full of them.
Okay, bring in the rest of it.
Next case.
Nice camera.
Don't let that crook give you less than $80.
Freeze, you scuzzbuckets!
This is a citizen's arrest. Get them, boys!
You're not moving till the cops get here.
I am the cops, lady.
Three months' work
out the window, down the drain.
Your Citizens On Patrol just screwed up...
the single biggest
undercover police sting operation...
in the history of this city!
Tell them the good news, sir.
-Thank you, Proctor.
-You're welcome, sir.
As of now,
the C.O.P. program is suspended...
pending a full investigation.
Attention!
Mahoney, I'm so, so proud
of the job you've done.
Nice work, men.
The eyes of the world are on this program.
Excuse me, sir. I think we should talk.
This precinct must deal with
every type of criminal...
from pickpockets to armed robbers,
felons of all kinds--
Capt. Harris. Excuse me.
Don't forget the gang of ninjas.
They're my personal favorites.
Why don't you go pay them a visit?
This precinct is run on discipline
and organization.
Simon says, "Pull your left ear."
Simon says, "Hop on your left foot."
Come on, guys.
Simon says, "Hop on your right foot."
It's a little too noisy in here, gentlemen.
We have important
police officials visiting...
and I think you'd better show
the proper respect.
Come on, Lieutenant.
We're almost finished.
Come on, Lieutenant,
join us in a friendly game of Simon Says.
There's nothing to it.
Now, Simon says, "Touch your toes."
Come on, Lieutenant.
Simon says, "Clap your hands."
Come on, get in the spirit.
Simon says, "Two steps right."
Simon says, "Five steps back."
Put your hands up!
Simon didn't say.
No, but Smith & Wesson does.
The high-security cell area
is used to hold criminals...
awaiting trial or transfer
to state or county facility.
Any convictions involving felons...
perverts, thieves, people of that nature,
are held in this area.
-You will notice the steel construction.
-What the hell is he doing in there?
I think that explains it, sir.
Come on, hurry up!
It's getting to the point now
when I'm with you
I no longer want
to have something stuck in my eye
Your mother, my mother
ain't never looked like Florence Henderson
I wrote that for you.
I hope now that C.O.P. is over...
it won't mean that we won't
be seeing each other anymore.
Shut up! Not you. I meant the ducks.
Attention. This is Mrs. F.
-There's been a jailbreak.
-Zed, 10-4!
Tack, you pick me up at Main and Maple.
Move it! Over and out.
Commandant!
-There's been a jailbreak, sir.
-Get in.
-It is so wonderful to see you again, baby.
-It's wonderful to be seen.
-Just like old times.
-ln America, talk is cheap.
There's been a jailbreak!
Look, there's a stolen police car.
That's got to be it.
I think we got a robbery in progress.
Stay here, Mrs. Feldman.
-Freeze!
-Good idea.
All right, I want everybody
to get back in that vault.
Book them, Tack.
-There's a ninja now.
-I see him.
Come on, let's get him. Let's go.
Do you see him?
Shit.
All right. If it's a fight you want,
a fight you'll get.
Damn you. You're gonna pay for that.
Shut up!
Will you two morons, knock it off!
We've got an international incident
going on here!
-I knew you'd come.
-Ja, danke.
-You may thank Mrs. Feldman.
-Who is Mrs. Feldman?
You know Mrs. Feldman,
a member of the defunct C.O.P. team.
This is Sgt. Mahoney
in pursuit of a stolen police car.
I'm headed towards
the Williams County air show.
Repeat, I'm pursing four escapees
toward the Williams County air show.
Now, folks,
making his second appearance...
at the Williams County air show....
-Look out for that car!
-What car?
That car! Come on, get out!
Come on!
Let's get out of here!
Hurry up!
This is where I draw the line.
I'm not going up in one of those things.
-No way. No, sirree.
-You don't have to.
You can open your eyes now.
How can you like this
better than my driving?
Because you can't do this in a car.
Grab that balloon!
We commandeer this balloon
in the name of the law!
-No, wait, you can't!
-You can't do that. We need it for the race.
Mrs. Feldman, stay with the car.
Zed, Sweetchuck, follow me.
Guys, wait up! Tackleberry.
-What do I pull?
-Take it up!
-They're getting away! Let's go!
-We are going up, sir.
Come on! Drop the parachute!
Stop screwing around!
-Come on! Drop the parachute!
-Come on!
If he doesn't want to do it, don't push him.
He's gotta, like, wanna help himself.
You land that balloon right now!
This is Capt. Harris! You are under arrest!
Land that balloon now!
-I'll just blast them out of the sky, sir.
-No! Not yet.
You're right.
I should give them a warning shot first.
lmbecile! Are you happy now?
At least it looks like
we're coming down in the river.
It won't matter
because you're going to be dead!
Pretty view--
I hate water!
Help!
-They're in the river.
-Hurry. Maybe we can catch them.
I'll pull alongside Tackleberry.
Look, I see my house!
Look, the crooks!
Let's go get them, okay?
Hang on, sir!
-Hurry, before they go over the falls!
-There they go!
Get a rope!
Hang on. Hang on, sir!
Hang on, we'll come and get you!
Grab it!
Try to relax!
There's the balloon! Now I've got them.
There's only one way to do this
and it's up to me!
-Take over!
-He was talking to you!
If you're coming back, bring some beer!
-No. He was talking to you.
-No, I heard him.
-He said, "Sweetchuck, take over."
-No, he did not.
-Get off of my foot!
-Shut up! Why are you always whining?
Leave me alone!
Gentlemen, may I see your license
and registration, please?
There they are. Take it down.
I want to get close. Get closer.
Mahoney, what are you doing?
Get in closer!
What do you think you're doing?
I'll take care of you, copper!
Get off my wing! Get off of there!
What will you do about them?
Pal, it's over. Let's go home.
-I hate you.
-I'm not really thrilled about you!
-Why don't you lose some weight?
-Why don't you get out and walk?
-I'm going to be sick!
-I don't have a parachute!
-Shut up! I'm going to be sick!
-Don't be sick on me!
-I don't have a chute!
-Break your fall!
-Hit the kids!
-No, I need a chute!
Get your own! Get away from me!
Come on!
Let go!
I'll break you in half, you dweeb.
There, I opened the chute.
Are you satisfied? Leave me alone!
-I'm going to kill you!
-Shut up and enjoy the flight!
Get off me!
Commandant, they say
your Citizens On Patrol group...
does many, many
wonderful and crazy things.
I think Sgt. Mahoney
deserves a special bow.
-Mahoney?
-All right!
-Mahoney?
-Way to go!
Get up! Look, it's Mahoney!
-Where?
-Sorry.
-To the Academy.
-To the Academy.
You know, you look
a little like Tom Cruise in Top Gun.
-Yeah?
-No!
Let me break you.
Man, that was funky.
-Fore!
-Well, I guess the meeting's started.
-Howdy, sir?
-Mahoney! Jones!
Thank you, Sweetchuck.
I've had the most wonderful news
about my new program.
-What new program is that, sir?
-My citizens on patrol.
I call it C.O.P. for short.
Has a nice policey ring to it,
don't you think?
What is C.O.P., sir?
What is the most frustrating thing
about police work?
-Not being able to carry hand grenades.
-Separate locker rooms, sir.
Icky blue uniforms.
I always thought
that the most frustrating thing was that...
we couldn't be everywhere at once
to solve every crime.
So the public ends up
thinking of us as enemies.
Wouldn't it be wonderful
if we could all be friends?
Officer Mahoney, please come in.
Have some lemonade. I love lemonade.
-Not too tart, not--
-Too sweet, just good.
So C.O.P. is
a community action program, sir.
-Like Neighborhood Watch?
-More. Much more!
We show the community that we care.
We train volunteers in crime detection,
in first-aid and....
-And it's a great idea, sir.
-But we need citizen support.
With all this neighborhood crime,
I'm sure you'll get it.
-Fore!
-Right. What if we were to....
What was that?
I believe brother Sweetchuck
is suggesting...
we recruit in our old neighborhood.
Excellent. We have the full support
of the Mayor...
and best of all, the Governor of the state
wants me to unveil the program...
at the end of
the International Police Seminar...
next month in England.
While I attend the seminar...
you, my good friends...
will put C.O.P. into action.
It will change community relations
all around the world.
The Lassard Method.
It rolls nicely off the tongue,
don't you think?
Hi! What did I miss?
Hi.
Capt. Harris,
Police Commissioner Hurst is here.
You want to see him?
No. Send him packing.
Yes, sir.
-Proctor!
-Yes, sir?
Send the Commissioner in immediately.
-I thought you said to send him packing.
-Immediately!
Yes, sir.
Nincompoop.
Commissioner.
-You have a problem, Capt. Harris?
-Yes, sir.
Commissioner, I am extremely concerned
with this memorandum from Lassard...
about his C.O.P. program.
Citizens doing police work?
An asinine idea.
If this goes through, no policeman's job,
no policeman's paycheck, will be safe.
Are you through, Captain?
The Governor of this state thinks
that this program is absolutely brilliant.
So until he changes his mind,
that's what you and I think, too.
Agreed?
-Yes, sir.
-Good.
You were right.
You should have sent him packing.
I don't give a damn
what the Governor or the Mayor thinks.
Lassard's program is a mistake...
and anyone who thinks otherwise
is wrong.
Pure and simple.
Don't touch those!
Don't you ever touch my balls
without asking!
You're gonna have to leave.
I'll call the police. I mean it.
Okay, I'm going. I'm out of here.
Wait a minute. I am the police.
-No, you're not.
-That's me. I'm here to speak about C.O.P.
I'm sorry. I didn't....
Without the uniform on--
Regular human clothes
make people more comfortable.
Hi, ladies. Let's do some poetry!
I got to go to my in-laws'
for dinner tonight.
You want to come?
Officer Hightower,
I'm here to join the new C.O.P. Program.
Do I know you?
Yeah, you used to
bounce me on your knee.
-I did?
-Yeah. Little Tommy Conklin.
-But now they call me House.
-Tommy Conklin.
Sure. Welcome aboard.
You can register right over there.
"Blind mouth that scare themselves
"know how to hold a sheep-hook
"Or have learned aught else at least
"that to the faithful Herdsmans
art belongs! "
That was exciting.
We have an Officer Zed,
who's here to tell us...
a little bit about a new police program.
So won't you....
Thank you very much.
I'm sorry.
I'm an emotional, sensitive guy...
and that part about the sheep-hook
just tore my heart right out.
I have my own poem
that I prepared for you today.
"Gene, Gene made a machine...
"and Joe, Joe made it go.
"l blew a fart
and blew the whole damn thing apart."
What is he saying?
I didn't write it.
Okay, I'd like to talk to you
about what we're here for...
and that's for me to pitch
the new C.O.P. program to you.
Perhaps a few of you ladies
might be interested in it.
So the bartender asked the organ grinder,
"Hey, does your monkey sing any opera?"
And I said, "Nope.
"But if you hit me on the head,
I'll sing Yankee Doodle. "
It's so nice to have my family
all back together again.
-Can you pass the lettuce, Pop?
-Sure, honey. Here you go.
-Thanks, Pop.
-You're welcome. Hey, listen...
did I tell you I'm gonna join
that Citizen On Patrol thing?
That would be a great idea.
I'd be proud to have you at the precinct.
I'll take some more greens, Bud.
-Dad.
-Yeah?
I don't think you should sign up.
There are already three of us on the force.
-It's going to look like favoritism.
-That's not it.
That's not it at all. You just don't think
I'm fast enough anymore, do you?
I don't think that's it, do you, Tack?
It has nothing to do with being fast.
Now, that was fast.
You know, that was fast.
But that's hard.
Excuse me.
I think Bud hurt Pop's feelings.
Oh, you two.
Oh, well, who wants pie?
-I was just trying to help.
-You hurt my arm.
-I'll hand the rest out. Hi.
-Hi.
Could I interest you
in the new citizens program?
-No, I don't think so.
-No, thanks.
-We'll take the stairs.
-Thanks, just the same.
Excuse me!
Would you be interested
in the new citizens program?
-Yes, in fact, we didn't hear you right.
-Sure, here.
-Why don't you hand the rest of them out?
-Thank you very much. Goodbye, sir.
-Arnie, where are you going?
-Home. I got a boatload of stuff to do.
I got a term paper due tomorrow,
and a history test.
I got to help my father clean the cellar,
and I have to do the dishes tonight.
What are you doing?
-I'll get the guys and hang out at the mall.
-Let's go.
I thought I told you guys,
no skateboarding in my district.
This isn't skateboarding, Sergeant.
This is carrying skateboards.
This is skateboarding.
-We got to check this out, you guys.
-Take it easy.
We'll see you later.
I'll see you later.
I want to check out these guys.
All right, I'll be back.
Hey, Sarge, look at that.
Kyle, that skateboard punk. Let's nail him.
Boy, you sure give them a hard time.
Yeah. Fun, isn't it?
You don't listen, do you, Kyle?
I was shopping
for Capt. Harris' birthday present.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Shop somewhere else.
Your Honor....
Here, Judge. Stop him! Hold up!
Excuse me, pardon me.
Excuse me, my fault.
-Watch it!
-Stop! Stop that skateboarder! Hold it!
I can do that, that handstand stuff.
I just hate it
when the change falls out of my pocket.
Hey, man,
I think these guys want to talk to you.
Hold it!
Capt. Harris will hear about this!
Come.
-Sir.
-Copeland, what the hell happened to you?
Some skateboard punks
started a riot at the mall.
Bring them in here.
-They got away.
-They got away?
-I did the best I could, sir.
-It wasn't enough, was it, Copeland?
-No, sir.
-I'll handle these punks personally.
-Yes, sir.
-I want three patrol cars...
dissecting the neighborhood.
Copeland, my hat!
-Yes, sir.
-You, radio-alert all motorcycle units.
I want a chopper in the air.
Spot these boys on the ground.
Proctor, ride with me.
-Now, Proctor, move it!
-Coming, sir.
Be right there!
There they go!
Back it up. Quiet!
I said quiet, dickhead.
We've got them now.
I know they came in here.
Unit 6 to Capt. Harris.
We've got them at the end of the alley.
I got you now!
You hold them right there. We're coming.
Copeland, have you got them?
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Carey Mahoney of the Police Academy.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Please. Thank you. You're too kind.
It's Harris. Haul ass. Go.
I got you, you little punks.
Freeze, you little hoodlums.
Get your hands off my ass, Proctor.
Get away, Proctor.
No. Don't shake the fence.
Oh, shit. No!
The purpose of this program...
is to develop a better working relationship
between us, the police...
When he says, "Okay, boys and girls,"
we're all gonna....
...and you, the community.
Stop! Stop right there!
You see, the great thing is, this is a first.
The Police Academy has offered to train
you citizens to better protect yourselves.
-You'll be trendsetters.
-Do we get to pack heat?
Heat--
Stop those little punks! Stop them!
You're under arrest!
Are you all right?
Who's laughing now, you little twits?
And your clothes make me want to puke.
I'll tell you that right now.
-Capt. Harris!
-Well, well, Mahoney.
-It's been a long time, sir.
-So it has.
Well, Motormouth Jones.
Anyone ever tell you
you've got a great tailor, sir?
I mentioned that just last week.
Has anyone told you, Mahoney,
that you're still a little pissant?
-No one whose opinion matters, sir.
-What did Arnie and Kyle do?
You know those clowns?
I should have figured.
Your little pals wrecked a police car,
destroyed a shopping mall...
harassed citizens, resisted arrest.
Go easy, Captain. They're just wacky kids.
We'll see how those wacky kids
like it in jail.
In all my years on the bench,
I have seen all sorts of public disorder.
Young people must learn to conform...
to the standards and laws
of civilized society.
In reviewing the testimony
and taking into account...
your disregard
for public and private property...
I can reach only one decision:
Guilty as hell.
You flushed me down the toilet!
Before you pass sentence--
They're gonna send me to jail,
and some fat, hairy guy is gonna--
-May I approach the bench, Your Honor?
-Yes, Sergeant.
Sir, do we want to expose these boys,
these children to a prison environment?
-Yes.
-May I run my own court, Captain?
-You've got a better idea?
-Yes, I do, sir.
Comdt. Lassard has initiated
a new community relations program.
Why not assign these kids...
to that program
as a form of alternate sentencing?
-That's ridiculous!
-I'll be the judge of that.
I.... Excuse me.
I like the sound of this
community relations gig.
Milt Butterworth,
defender of the common man.
Your Honor, look at this list of complaints.
And I quote you directly, sir, when I say--
Gee, sir, I thought you only got
contempt of court for opening your mouth.
Mahoney, I'm warning you.
You keep Lassard's C.O.Ps
out of my precinct.
You don't understand
what I'm trying to do.
I understand
exactly what you're trying to do.
Just keep them out,
especially these two little buttwads.
Excuse me, sir,
but you're not planning to attack us...
with any more of your bodily functions,
are you?
You just make sure
that we never meet again. Ever.
You know, with those two idiots
in Lassard's program, it'll never work.
Excuse me, sir.
We're looking for a Mrs. Feldman.
-Do you know her?
-Yes.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Do you know a Mrs. Lois--
-Where can we find Lois Feldman, please?
-There.
Thank you.
Mrs. Feldman?
-Who's asking?
-Police.
Is it about those damn library books?
We're following up on your alleged
interest in the Citizens On Patrol program.
Then I'm Mrs. Feldman. Come on in.
Callahan, cover your rear.
I admire your taste.
Yes, well, I do all my own decorating.
You have a talent for it, ma'am.
I'll be with you in a moment, Sarge.
Perhaps you'd like to discuss
the program first, ma'am.
What's to discuss?
Think I want to hang out here
and listen to arteries hardening?
Where did I put that bulletproof vest?
All right, fall in! Come on, please, line up.
Come on, I need a lineup here.
Hello, ma'am. Ladies and gentlemen--
-Thank you, Miss....
-Mrs. Feldman.
I want to welcome all of you
to the Academy.
You are part of a new
and exciting program that I call...
-C.O.P.
-C.O.P.
-Citizens On Patrol.
-Citizens On Patrol.
-Citizens On Patrol!
-Citizens On Patrol!
You will work and train with the police.
The police will work and train with you.
Working and training,
training and working.
Excuse me, Commandant.
But do you expect the community
to do the job of the police force?
There are many, many jobs
for many, many people.
Sir, I'll take care of this.
Excuse me, young lady,
what the Commandant means...
is that this program
will promote understanding...
between the community and the police...
and make the community
more active in crime prevention.
Active in crime prevention?
Won't that be dangerous?
No. We just want to teach citizens...
to prevent crimes from taking place.
It sounds fine in theory.
Let's hope it works in practice.
I like him. He's a really nice fish.
He looks a little like you.
I will attend
an international police seminar in London.
It would be
the crowning achievement of my career...
if I could close this seminar...
by bringing instructors
from all around the world...
here to watch
the C.O.P. program in action.
I'm counting on all of you
to make that possible.
In Comdt. Lassard's absence...
I've appointed a very able-bodied
and experienced officer...
to run the Academy.
Perfect timing. Here he is now.
Attention!
Two weeks of Harris? Damn!
Damn.
Deodorant? Thanks.
Straighten this mess up.
-What mess?
-Now!
I want all of you dirtbags
and that group of C.O.P. people...
out in front of this dormitory
at 1400 hours.
Move it!
Sir, we were just commenting
on how you'd mellowed.
-Captain?
-What is it, Mahoney?
I hope you're gonna
give this program a fair chance.
This program, Mahoney,
is just like you: a bad idea.
That's your opinion, sir.
But this is Comdt. Lassard's idea,
and his Academy.
Things can change, Mahoney.
Yes, things can change.
I'll see you out front.
I bet that was refreshing, sir.
Over the next two weeks...
you'll go through
a modified training program.
You'll learn many, many keys
to crime prevention.
Keys you can teach many, many others
in your community.
Modified? Modified nothing.
I want the works.
-Yeah.
-Madam...
I think it's time for a dose of reality.
You can forget Lassard's hype.
You people do not belong here.
Especially you and you.
Community action groups mean one thing,
and one thing only.
I hope that wasn't gum.
You heard the Captain. Is it?
It's definitely gum, sir. Bubble gum.
Cherry, I think.
-Thank you, Proctor.
-You're welcome, sir.
These groups only mean
citizens getting in the way of the police.
Now, I don't get involved
in your business...
and I don't want you involved in my--
Now, if you were smart...
you would go home
and forget this stupid idea....
Are those wedding bells I hear, sir?
-Whose damn mutt is this?
-It's my damn mutt.
I want him out of here!
-But, sir--
-Out!
I am not getting rid of Clarence.
He's my pet.
Why should you?
After all, Harris has Proctor.
I'll take him.
I have a big house, nice yard.
See, he likes me. We'll get along fine.
Me, too? I'm housebroken.
Come on, C.O.Ps,
let's step up to the white line!
Let's line ourselves up with a slot,
then let's listen to Mr. Jones.
Thank you, Sgt. Tackleberry.
This is a standard police issue.38.
Examine this weapon carefully.
You must be sure
this weapon is not loaded.
You will be responsible for the loading
and unloading of this weapon yourself.
Now, Sgt. Tackleberry.
You want to become one with the gun.
Feel the gun, caress the gun...
until it's a living, breathing, vibrating...
extension of yourself.
I look for the same in a woman.
This sucker's not loaded.
You won't be using live ammo.
Tack, how about letting me squeeze off
a few rounds of that baby?
Tack?
Affirmative, Mrs. F.
Now, be careful
because a.44 magnum has quite a...
kick.
Damn, that was fun!
Rescuing the drowning victim.
Now, when approaching
a potentially dangerous...
and out-of-control victim,
use this stroke only.
Arms out of the way for protection.
Now, when you get the victim in control,
you slip your arm across his chest...
under his opposite arm.
Rest his head and his neck
against your shoulder.
Kick with your feet.
Now, your victim could be struggling.
Struggle, House. Good, House....
House!
Really swift! I'll get him!
Arnie, get out of the pool! You just ate!
Get him out of here!
Thanks, pal.
Now we have an opportunity
to start our water safety lesson.
I will play the drowning victim.
Now, who's going to save me?
-Yeah!
-Yeah!
That was mighty brave. I admire that.
That was nothing.
You don't have a hair dryer,
or perhaps some mousse?
No. Your hair looks nice. It's very stylish.
Moi?
Stylish?
I think I'd better be going.
Mickey!
He's dead! He killed him!
-I'm sure the Academy will pay for it.
-What about the sentimental value?
This is a family heirloom here.
This is the last thing I ever stole
before joining the Academy.
What the hell is this? Cadets in heat?
No. We were just, like, talking.
Just, like, talk somewhere else.
This is not a spawning pool.
I want discipline.
Do I make myself clear, Zed?
Discipline!
-Jerk.
-What?
He said bye.
No. I said jerk. I think it was pretty clear.
-I said, "Jerk."
-Jerk.
Cadets, I'd now like to discuss with you...
something that will be
vital for you to know...
when you're, like, out there on the job
as a police officer.
And that's the correct way
to eat a doughnut.
-A doughnut--
-Attention!
Capt. Harris.
From this moment on, anyone
who misplaces their canister of Mace...
will be reprimanded and fined.
-Is that clear?
-Yes, sir!
Bye.
As Citizens On Patrol...
endurance and longevity
should be very important to you.
Aerobic activity will keep you in shape...
and keep that heart rate up.
Music, however,
makes it a little less painful.
Hooks, cassette.
I have confidence that Sgt. Hooks
has chosen the appropriate music.
No cassette.
Let's go.
Nice selection, Hooks. All right.
Slow walk. Slow start.
Keep your arms moving. That's good.
Into a nice slow jog. Okay!
Arms moving. Keep breathing.
Don't forget to breathe.
Tuck his tummy, Hooks. Attagirl. Let's go.
Now, this whistle can be very valuable...
when walking through
a bad neighborhood.
If your purse gets snatched,
blow this whistle...
to alert your neighbors and the police
so they can help.
Now, Mrs. Feldman,
would you play the victim?
-Yes.
-Okay, and I'll be Mr. Purse Snatcher.
-Okay.
-Go.
Any questions?
Now, practice.
You had him for, like, a minute.
He was scared. He was, like, flinching.
His face went....
Sorry.
Citizens On Patrol. What a joke.
-You know what C.O.P. really stands for?
-No, sir. What?
-Collection Of Pissants. That's not funny.
-No, sir.
This citizen-action crap is a disaster,
a bad idea, and I'm going to prove it.
Yes, sir.
Excuse me, everyone.
I mean, not everyone.
Attention! Excuse me. Move it!
-Everybody, come over here!
-Hooks.
Stop embarrassing the Police Department
and join your civilian buddies.
May I have your attention, please?
Hooks, the tank!
-I'm so sorry.
-You dimwit!
Today, Hooks, today.
Now, take your little munchkin voice
and go away.
Listen up!
This is the proper procedure
for administering oxygen.
You place the mask securely
about the face of the patient...
and then have them breathe deeply.
Now, that is the way it's done
in Capt. Harris' precinct.
What the hell? Hooks!
So you gentlemen think
you're on a vacation?
You're no better than anyone else,
so let's go, let's get to work.
Come on, dudes, chill out.
You dudes are setting a bad example.
Can't hear you, bro. Can't you see
I'm getting my beauty sleep?
I'm sorry.
Move it!
You sure told them.
Did you ever think about
maybe getting some contact lenses...
or something, like, you know?
You'd look good in them.
Proctor, this is an alley.
I know, sir, but these are the directions
Mahoney gave me.
-Mahoney?
-Yes, sir.
He says this restaurant
has the best salad bar in town.
It damn sure better have.
-Proctor.
-Yes, sir?
I don't see a salad bar.
Look, maybe they serve seafood.
That's not funny, you idiot.
What are you looking at, you peckerhead?
Nice uniform.
Makes me wish I'd worn my sailor outfit.
I'm getting out of here. Move it!
I don't think cutting in is allowed, sir.
Nice collar.
Here we go again. Next round.
Mahoney weaving his way through...
looking pretty good.
Gets past the main defense.
And, under the leg!
Nice shot!
That man is a hot dog.
The crowd's gone wild!
The ball's brought in.
Here we go. We have the play going.
Throws to Zed.
A little bit of a steal there.
Mahoney throws a pass to Hightower.
And then Hightower he....
The Doctor of Dunk scores!
You killed it. Really swift!
Some community action.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's Lt. Proctor, a ghetto favorite!
Thank you very much.
I'm honored to be--
You know,
Capt. Harris isn't gonna like this...
goofing off.
-Come on. This is community relations.
-No, Mahoney.
I'm an expert in goofing off,
and this is goofing off.
And I'm gonna have to tell him.
-I have an urge to break him in half.
-Why fight it?
No, Hightower. Take it easy, big guy.
The creep's not worth it.
-You through in there?
-Sure, go ahead.
Thanks.
Excuse me, Silvio?
I wonder if you can help me.
I need some help over here.
-Right there.
-No problem.
Hold your horses, I'll be out in a minute!
Okay, like, bring it in.
Just, like, bring it in a hair.
Watch out for the plane!
Oh, the humanity!
Okay, that's perfect. No, that's fine.
-Metro police.
-Special assignment.
Ladies and gentlemen...
please rise for our national anthem.
-Read that part about me again, Arnie.
-What part?
You know, the part about
the dynamic leader of the C.O.P.
Get real! That's me they're talking about.
Good evening, gentlemen.
I congratulate you on another good day.
Sleep well.
Count, getting worried
we're gonna be taking over soon?
We're ready.
You're improving, guys. But you're still
way down in the food chain.
As we vampires say, "Lights out, suckers."
This C.O.P. bit is a breeze.
-We are ready.
-I concur.
I think we're ready to bust
some truly major criminals.
Maybe we should go out and find some....
-Maybe we should become vigilantes.
-Yeah, that's it. Vigilantes.
Wake up, men! We need you. Now!
Come on.
-What's going on? Where are we going?
-Why are we here? What's happening?
You're here because you're ready.
You said you were ready.
-One thing l--
-You're ready, now.
Could you be a little more specific
concerning our current mission?
-We're apprehending two known felons.
-I'll be going home now.
-Where are the rest?
-What rest? We're it.
-We'll flush them out of the building.
-You stay behind, cut them off in the alley.
Stay.
What about guns and shit, man?
Guns? No, you won't be needing them.
We're pretty sure they're not armed.
They can handle this without us.
We'll just get in the way, you know.
Good thinking.
We got them, men!
It's all right, men. Come on over.
All right, you three
will be riding in the back with Badula...
and his late brother.
You guys keep him subdued.
Let's go.
Don't let his voodoo
mumbo jumbo scare you.
Fools. To think
they can kill the brother of Badula.
I never thought that.
That I could reach into the belly of a yak
and rip out his heart.
That would bring him back to life?
No, man. I'm hungry.
Listen, we're going for some burgers
and fries. We'll be right back.
Out of my way!
I guess they weren't as ready
as they thought they were.
You can take the mask off now, Tack.
-Proctor.
-Yes, sir?
-Who are all these people?
-They're here for the party, sir.
What party?
A few of the Citizens On Patrol members
invited a few of their friends...
and they invited a few of their friends.
You know how it goes, sir.
-A party?
-Yes, sir.
A party? Why wasn't I told?
Hey, Callahan. Hey, Hooks.
Attention, ladies and gentlemen!
Ladies and gentlemen,
can I please have your attention?
I'd like to thank you all for coming!
Let's party!
-Move those patooties.
-Excuse me.
All police officers out of the pool!
Let's go! Out, everybody out!
Sir, why don't you just
let everyone enjoy themselves?
Why don't you just
kiss my rosy red ass, Mahoney?
Rosy?
Get out of that pool now!
Just look at yourself.
You are a disgrace to the uniform!
Go get changed. Move it.
-What are we looking for?
-This.
-Why, Capt. Harris.
-Miss Mattson.
-Hello.
-How are you?
Have you seen Clarence?
Don't you let that fleabag near me.
Clarence is crazy about you, Captain.
Let me just call him over.
-No.
-For a second?
-No.
-Okay. Bye.
Wipe those grins off your faces,
buttbreaths! Dismissed!
Dr. Berman, please pick up line two.
Dr. Berman, line two, please.
-You shouldn't be in here.
-How is Capt. Harris?
-We'll do all we can.
-Please, be gentle.
I heard what Harris said, and he's wrong.
It happens to me all the time.
People just don't understand me.
Maybe if you talked a little slower,
a little softer....
That's not what I meant. I meant
people don't know who I really am.
Now I got to worry about my diction, too?
-How's my sentence structure?
-Perfect.
In fact, I think you're just about perfect.
I think I'm going to puke.
Hi, sir. How are you feeling?
I have to wait
for the damn glue to wear off.
I didn't catch that.
Was that, "the dim shoot to snare off"?
I said I have to wait
for the damn glue to wear off.
So I asked her,
"Do you always work under podiums?"
Commandant?
Why, Chief Hurst,
this is a splendid, splendid surprise!
You remember Nogata?
He's part of our Japanese contingent.
This is Chief Hurst.
We have heard many, many
wonderful things about you and your city.
I've been helping them with their English.
-Please, sit. Please.
-Thank you.
I hope you'll find the time
to see our beautiful city firsthand.
In fact, I've just flown here personally...
to extend the Mayor's invitation...
to see my....
To see Comdt. Lassard's
community program in action.
We are convinced
that this program will serve...
as a model for cities around the world.
We would be honored
to accept your invitation.
-Wonderful.
-Please, come.
-Auf Wiedersehen.
-Arrivederci.
Bonsoir.
I see you've been teaching them
something other than English.
I do what I can.
-So my program is really, really working?
-Hell, yes.
Starting tomorrow,
C.O.Ps will be working the streets.
C.O.P. emergency. Feldman here.
Meet me at the corner of
Clark and Main Street at the warehouse.
10-4, Mrs. F.
-$40, we're agreed?
-Okay, $40.
Snap off a few shots for evidence.
Get closer.
I saw this on Hill Street Blues.
It's a fencing operation.
You're gonna love these.
We just unloaded a van full of them.
Okay, bring in the rest of it.
Next case.
Nice camera.
Don't let that crook give you less than $80.
Freeze, you scuzzbuckets!
This is a citizen's arrest. Get them, boys!
You're not moving till the cops get here.
I am the cops, lady.
Three months' work
out the window, down the drain.
Your Citizens On Patrol just screwed up...
the single biggest
undercover police sting operation...
in the history of this city!
Tell them the good news, sir.
-Thank you, Proctor.
-You're welcome, sir.
As of now,
the C.O.P. program is suspended...
pending a full investigation.
Attention!
Mahoney, I'm so, so proud
of the job you've done.
Nice work, men.
The eyes of the world are on this program.
Excuse me, sir. I think we should talk.
This precinct must deal with
every type of criminal...
from pickpockets to armed robbers,
felons of all kinds--
Capt. Harris. Excuse me.
Don't forget the gang of ninjas.
They're my personal favorites.
Why don't you go pay them a visit?
This precinct is run on discipline
and organization.
Simon says, "Pull your left ear."
Simon says, "Hop on your left foot."
Come on, guys.
Simon says, "Hop on your right foot."
It's a little too noisy in here, gentlemen.
We have important
police officials visiting...
and I think you'd better show
the proper respect.
Come on, Lieutenant.
We're almost finished.
Come on, Lieutenant,
join us in a friendly game of Simon Says.
There's nothing to it.
Now, Simon says, "Touch your toes."
Come on, Lieutenant.
Simon says, "Clap your hands."
Come on, get in the spirit.
Simon says, "Two steps right."
Simon says, "Five steps back."
Put your hands up!
Simon didn't say.
No, but Smith & Wesson does.
The high-security cell area
is used to hold criminals...
awaiting trial or transfer
to state or county facility.
Any convictions involving felons...
perverts, thieves, people of that nature,
are held in this area.
-You will notice the steel construction.
-What the hell is he doing in there?
I think that explains it, sir.
Come on, hurry up!
It's getting to the point now
when I'm with you
I no longer want
to have something stuck in my eye
Your mother, my mother
ain't never looked like Florence Henderson
I wrote that for you.
I hope now that C.O.P. is over...
it won't mean that we won't
be seeing each other anymore.
Shut up! Not you. I meant the ducks.
Attention. This is Mrs. F.
-There's been a jailbreak.
-Zed, 10-4!
Tack, you pick me up at Main and Maple.
Move it! Over and out.
Commandant!
-There's been a jailbreak, sir.
-Get in.
-It is so wonderful to see you again, baby.
-It's wonderful to be seen.
-Just like old times.
-ln America, talk is cheap.
There's been a jailbreak!
Look, there's a stolen police car.
That's got to be it.
I think we got a robbery in progress.
Stay here, Mrs. Feldman.
-Freeze!
-Good idea.
All right, I want everybody
to get back in that vault.
Book them, Tack.
-There's a ninja now.
-I see him.
Come on, let's get him. Let's go.
Do you see him?
Shit.
All right. If it's a fight you want,
a fight you'll get.
Damn you. You're gonna pay for that.
Shut up!
Will you two morons, knock it off!
We've got an international incident
going on here!
-I knew you'd come.
-Ja, danke.
-You may thank Mrs. Feldman.
-Who is Mrs. Feldman?
You know Mrs. Feldman,
a member of the defunct C.O.P. team.
This is Sgt. Mahoney
in pursuit of a stolen police car.
I'm headed towards
the Williams County air show.
Repeat, I'm pursing four escapees
toward the Williams County air show.
Now, folks,
making his second appearance...
at the Williams County air show....
-Look out for that car!
-What car?
That car! Come on, get out!
Come on!
Let's get out of here!
Hurry up!
This is where I draw the line.
I'm not going up in one of those things.
-No way. No, sirree.
-You don't have to.
You can open your eyes now.
How can you like this
better than my driving?
Because you can't do this in a car.
Grab that balloon!
We commandeer this balloon
in the name of the law!
-No, wait, you can't!
-You can't do that. We need it for the race.
Mrs. Feldman, stay with the car.
Zed, Sweetchuck, follow me.
Guys, wait up! Tackleberry.
-What do I pull?
-Take it up!
-They're getting away! Let's go!
-We are going up, sir.
Come on! Drop the parachute!
Stop screwing around!
-Come on! Drop the parachute!
-Come on!
If he doesn't want to do it, don't push him.
He's gotta, like, wanna help himself.
You land that balloon right now!
This is Capt. Harris! You are under arrest!
Land that balloon now!
-I'll just blast them out of the sky, sir.
-No! Not yet.
You're right.
I should give them a warning shot first.
lmbecile! Are you happy now?
At least it looks like
we're coming down in the river.
It won't matter
because you're going to be dead!
Pretty view--
I hate water!
Help!
-They're in the river.
-Hurry. Maybe we can catch them.
I'll pull alongside Tackleberry.
Look, I see my house!
Look, the crooks!
Let's go get them, okay?
Hang on, sir!
-Hurry, before they go over the falls!
-There they go!
Get a rope!
Hang on. Hang on, sir!
Hang on, we'll come and get you!
Grab it!
Try to relax!
There's the balloon! Now I've got them.
There's only one way to do this
and it's up to me!
-Take over!
-He was talking to you!
If you're coming back, bring some beer!
-No. He was talking to you.
-No, I heard him.
-He said, "Sweetchuck, take over."
-No, he did not.
-Get off of my foot!
-Shut up! Why are you always whining?
Leave me alone!
Gentlemen, may I see your license
and registration, please?
There they are. Take it down.
I want to get close. Get closer.
Mahoney, what are you doing?
Get in closer!
What do you think you're doing?
I'll take care of you, copper!
Get off my wing! Get off of there!
What will you do about them?
Pal, it's over. Let's go home.
-I hate you.
-I'm not really thrilled about you!
-Why don't you lose some weight?
-Why don't you get out and walk?
-I'm going to be sick!
-I don't have a parachute!
-Shut up! I'm going to be sick!
-Don't be sick on me!
-I don't have a chute!
-Break your fall!
-Hit the kids!
-No, I need a chute!
Get your own! Get away from me!
Come on!
Let go!
I'll break you in half, you dweeb.
There, I opened the chute.
Are you satisfied? Leave me alone!
-I'm going to kill you!
-Shut up and enjoy the flight!
Get off me!
Commandant, they say
your Citizens On Patrol group...
does many, many
wonderful and crazy things.
I think Sgt. Mahoney
deserves a special bow.
-Mahoney?
-All right!
-Mahoney?
-Way to go!
Get up! Look, it's Mahoney!
-Where?
-Sorry.
-To the Academy.
-To the Academy.
You know, you look
a little like Tom Cruise in Top Gun.
-Yeah?
-No!