Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow (1994) Movie Script
And ready, here we go.
Five, four, three, two...
Good evening. Tragedy in Taiwan.
Disaster in Denmark.
Mayhem in Malaysia.
Those stories and more coming up later.
Tonight's lead story:
the computer game phenomenon...
...distributed by alleged Russian
Mafia leader Konstantine Konali...
...has taken the world by storm.
Out of the cold climates of Russia...
...comes the hottest
computer game sensation...
...simply called "The Game. " Ed?
- Ed, what are you doing?
- You gotta try this game. It's great.
Not now, Ed.
In the past six months...
..."The Game" has generated
over $1.5 billion in revenue...
- ... breaking all previous records.
- Get him, you miserable bear!
What makes this game stand out?
This is the first time that a video game...
- ... has appealed to a youthful...
- Ed!
...as well as a more sophisticated market.
- Oh, sh...
- "The Game," available in cartridges...
...as well as floppy disks for computer,
has everybody playing.
Take it, Lindsay, take it.
The creator and mass-marketer
of "The Game" is Konstantine Konali...
- ... allegedly head of the Russian Mafia.
- No, no, no!
Konali and...
What is he up to in Moscow?
Get your hands off it.
- Get your hands off the game!
- I want that game!
I'm not giving you my game!
Give it to me!
You're through at this station.
You're through.
Misha, take care of Skippy.
Ay.
Leonid, Leonid, Leonid.
Enough living in the shadows.
Someday...
...this will all...
...be mine!
This crime problem is out of hand.
Yes, Boris Nikolayevich.
We need help.
I can recommend a man I met
during the international conference.
I understand he has already
had dealings with Konali...
...when Konali was in America.
I will make this very clear.
Can he help us get Konali?
Yes, Boris Nikolayevich.
He is just the man for the job.
Keep me informed.
Ah.
Oh.
There you are, son.
How are the new recruits doing?
It might be the best class ever,
except for one man.
- He's afraid of heights.
- See what you can do for him.
I find that sometimes the least likely
cadets make the finest police officers.
Commandant Lassard, throw us the ball.
Off the scoreboard...
...off the floor, off the wall...
...off the redhead.
Nothing but net.
- Not bad.
- I love this game.
Connors. Where's Connors?
Thanks, Connors. You fixed it.
That's a classified police file.
"The academy has assembled a special
team for a mission to Moscow. "
I'd kill for that job.
Webster's on the list. Why him?
Because he graduated first in our class.
Yeah, well...
...can he do this?
Yep.
Can he do this?
- Yep.
- That's all I got.
What are you doing?
- Well, I've never been to Russia.
- Okay, now put it back.
Connors. Sergeant wants you.
- Yeah.
Now.
I'm so very, very glad to see you.
The Moscow police
have asked us to assist them...
- ... in apprehending Konstantine Konali.
Russkies?
The godfather of Russian
organized crime.
Men...
Six years ago...
...Konali helped to establish a branch
of the Russian Mafia here...
...in our country.
Nearly got him then.
Unfortunately, he slipped through our
fingers and escaped back to Moscow...
...where he continues
his criminal activities...
...aided by his brother Mikhail
and pet snake Skippy.
Home run!
Now we get another chance
to apprehend him.
Man, what a wimp.
Connors, get down here.
You're never gonna pass the test.
I've gotta pass. My father was a cop.
His father was a cop.
His father was a horse thief.
- You got vertigo. Let's go.
- Vertigo. Ha!
I don't have vertigo.
Yo, Connors, you want a doughnut?
Not bad.
Connors, let's face it.
You don't have what it takes
to be a cop.
Take this to Commandant
Lassard's office.
- He'll sign off on your dismissal papers.
Bummer, dude.
Now, I want you to meet...
...a new addition to our team.
- You must be Cadet Connors.
- Hi.
I'm very, very impressed by your file.
- Cadet Kyle Connors.
- Mm.
Top grade average in the class.
Sir, I have to tell you something.
Congratulations.
Thanks, but I'm not really the man
in that file.
Oh, I know what you mean.
These reports never do give
an accurate picture of who we really are.
- Hm?
- Yes, but...
Ow!
Ooh!
What the hell is this?
Uh-huh.
Come on, come on. Come on.
- Let's all pull together.
Okay.
Okay, all together, on three!
One, two, three!
Oh, God.
- Sir!
Ah! Captain Harris, our expert in
surveillance, will be accompanying us.
Team, we're all off to Russia...
...to kick many, many butt-skis.
Ah, Alexander Nikolaivitch.
Men...
...this is the honorable Commandant
Alexander Nikolaivitch Rakov.
- Sasha.
- May I say it is an honor...
...to have the great Commandant
Lassard visiting our country?
- Yes, you may.
- May I kiss you again?
- No, you may not.
- May I escort you inside?
Yes, you may.
It is really wonderful
to have you here in Russia.
Please say hello to your lovely wife...
...and tell her I'm sorry
she's not here with you.
Yes. Lieutenant Yuri Talinsky.
Head of our organized crime unit.
Please, don't underestimate
the power of the Russian Mafia...
...the most sadistic organization
in the world.
Katya.
This is Sergeant Katya Sergei.
She has been handpicked
to be your guide and translator.
Lieutenant Talinsky,
I hold you personally responsible...
...for the comfort and safety of the
Americans and Commandant Lassard.
- Yes, sir.
- Now, Americans and Russians...
...we must grab Konali
like the insect that he is...
...and we must then crush him!
- God.
Make way. Jones. Jones.
- Jones. Make way. Make way.
- Oh!
I am Captain Thaddeus Harris
and in this case...
...I have state-of-the-art
American surveillance equipment.
I'll have this Konali business
wrapped up for you in a few days.
Excuse me, Ricky.
I must go to the toilet.
Yes, of course.
- Pardon me. Which is my car?
- The one in front.
The one in front. Oh, yeah.
- What did he say?
- Well, he said that you had...
...a marvelous attitude and you're
a pleasure to work with, sir.
I'm going to keep my eye on you.
The red zone
is for Communist parking only.
The one in front.
The red zone
is for Communist parking only.
Oh, hello.
Lieutenant Talinsky didn't
tell me his family would be here.
Very nice of you to come and greet me.
Katrina, I want you to think of me
as America's goodwill ambassador.
And you think of me
as translator and guide.
Stop! Stop!
Ay! Ay-yai-yai-yai-yai.
I'm in deep borscht.
Captain Callahan, 511.
Sergeant Jones, 513.
Sergeant Tackleberry, 514.
Cadet Connors, 520.
Captain Harris, 515.
Not exactly a four-star hotel, is it?
Well, we spend our police budget
on fighting criminals...
...not on pampering
out-of-town visitors.
Your government brought us here.
They also bring in monkeys for zoo...
...but we don't put them
in four-star hotel either.
Well, I just go check
on Commandant Lassard.
Lassard. Lassard. You!
You.
- Hm-mm.
- You.
I have job for you.
Again. When you hear door, you say:
"I'm in the bathroom.
I'll meet you there. "
"I'm in the bathroom. Meet me there. "
Again.
"I'm in the bathroom.
I'll meet you there. "
"I'm in the bathroom.
Meet you there. "
Come in.
Again!
"In the bathroom. Meet me there. "
Excuse me.
Is the commandant in?
Well, I just saw him. He's very tired
and enjoying moment of rest.
Ah. Thank you.
I have to get to next level. Eh...
- Looking for something, captain?
- Bugs. You can never be too careful.
- Call me paranoid.
- You're paranoid.
I'm down to one life. I can't make it.
Can I show you a little trick?
Watch. You just want the bear
to go back three spaces. Right?
See?
It makes it to next level.
- I made it. Thank you.
- Game.
Good morning, everyone.
I understand that your commandant
will not be joining us today.
However, we will proceed
with briefing anyway.
Konstantine Konali,
Russian Mafia godfather.
Jones!
His brother and second-in-command,
Mikhail Konali.
Konstantine Konali is involved
in extortion...
...gambling, fencing jewelry,
arms dealing.
But he does not choose
to involve himself...
Too much cabbage.
- ... in day-to-day running of operations...
...which makes it rather difficult
to catch him. However...
...we know three places
that he frequents regularly.
One: his restaurant...
...where he conducts meetings
in back of office.
Two: his dacha. And three:
Hello. Hello.
His warehouse, where he conducts
legitimate video games business. Now...
...we believe Konali
is up to something big.
Unfortunately, attempts
to infiltrate his operations have failed...
...but we will now work together
and we will capture Konali.
- Excuse me.
Ow!
Adam.
So good to see you.
Thank you for inviting me, Mr. Konali.
However, your delivery service...
...leaves a little bit to be desired.
I have the perfect plan,
but I need your help.
- My help?
- I want you to design a program...
...that will bypass any computer
security system in the world...
...letting me have access to secret files.
You're talking about...
- ... a passkey?
- Bingo.
- Nothing like this exists.
- Create it.
I want to be able to tap
into the world's banks...
...manipulate the world's stock markets,
know what heads of countries know.
We could control the world!
Louder, Misha. I don't think
all of Moscow heard you.
Even if I did create this passkey,
how will you get it into their computers?
I have already thought of that.
You, my dear Adam, will design
a new version of "The Game. "
We will call it...
..."The New Game. "
And we will put the passkey in it.
When you slip it into your computer,
bada-bing!
I will have access to impenetrable files.
Pretty good, no?
Lassard.
Bah! Yankee police.
Ow!
Boys, watch them.
I want to know their every move.
Good luck, babushka.
Uh...
"In the bathroom. Meet you there.
In the...
In the bathroom. " Yes.
Sir, we have to go now.
- Sir?
- In the bathroom.
- Meet you there.
- Is everything okay?
The commandant is having
some problems adjusting.
- He's gonna meet us there.
- Oh.
Whew!
You know, in America,
funerals are in English.
This where you live?
Good day.
I have a fish.
He lives in a bowl too.
You have a lovely, lovely apartment.
Somehow, I feel quite at home here.
A Russki police academy.
What a joke.
Da, da, da-da-da.
In Lassard's absence,
I will do all the talking.
You'll say nothing, do nothing,
watch your every move.
Be on your toes.
Any false move could embarrass us all.
And don't trust these guys.
Just because we're buddy-buddy
with them now...
...don't forget they
were our sworn enemies just...
Just a little while ago.
- Move it. Move it, move it.
Moron.
The topic for today is police field tactics.
The Russian and the American approach.
American police. Good.
Perhaps you can tell us
about apprehending criminals.
- Me?
- You. You.
Goodness' sakes.
- Major.
- Sergeant.
Class, this is Sergeant Tackleberry.
Okay. You know, as cops...
I don't have to tell you this.
It's tough to uphold the law,
but in the States...
...we have to deal with constantly
changing police regulations.
I mean, take for example
the excessive force issue.
- I could use a volunteer.
- Tackleberry, what are you doing?
I am in charge here.
Captain Harris,
perhaps you should demonstrate.
- Well, that's more like it.
- Back in the old days...
...there wasn't anything you couldn't do
trying to apprehend a perpetrator.
Take for example
the highly effective chokehold.
Tackleberry!
Well, nowadays this is considered
to be excessive force.
Or...
...the ever-dependable,
always reliable PK-24 police baton...
...which, with a single blow
to the body...
...say to the lower thigh...
Renders a subject
completely incapacitated.
But, no, no.
Nowadays this too is considered
to be excessive force.
They want me to uphold the law...
...but they tie my hands.
Fortunately...
...there's always Old Reliable.
Why mess with success?
Uh, thanks.
Have you seen Lassard?
I have had it with you losers.
I will capture Konali
because I use my head.
Yeah, right.
Think we can lose him?
Excuse me.
Is possible you help me?
Sure. Uh...
Why don't you guys run along
and I'll catch up with you later.
Uh-huh. Sure.
Katrina, how can I help you?
You ever want something
so badly it hurts?
- Yes.
- And no matter how much you wait...
...and hope and wait more,
you don't get what you want?
Well, yeah.
But my advice is don't give up.
Just go for it.
- I want...
- Thattagirl. Follow your heart.
- I want...
- Say it.
- I want my vacation.
- What's that?
I wait three years. Three years.
Then you Americans come.
Talinsky, he assign me to you.
- Mm-hm.
- Now I can't go.
I have plan.
Connors, I don't leave you...
...without anyone.
Come. I select suitable replacement
for you.
She's best in department.
Yeah, I'm sure she is.
Look, all I know is Lassard
disappear at airport.
Organize search, find Lassard,
but keep quiet.
- What are you doing here?
- Just browsing.
Ah.
Hey, Yuri, that translator, Katrina?
Very good. She's excellent.
All our people are excellent.
For instance, this is Irina Petrovskaya.
She is expert in forensics.
She can tell you everything
about person...
...just by looking at one hair from head.
Ow!
Hmm. My observations conclude
this man is picky eater...
...afraid of heights...
- ... and still a virgin.
What?
I'm not a picky eater.
Cadet Connors is also a forensics expert.
Maybe you'd be so generous
as to share with us your expertise.
- Uh, sure.
- This one puzzles us.
We were able to remove only one
fingerprint from scene of crime.
This is our only clue...
...to identity of criminal.
Okey-dokey.
No wonder you're puzzled.
This glass is all cracked.
Enough!
Next assignment, Chernobyl.
Excuse me, lieutenant...
...but the chief said you and your men
would be available to us.
Absolutely, Captain Callahan,
and I have just the men for you.
These guys are cops?
You get the feeling that
we're not wanted here?
I'll tell you what we need to do.
- We need to let Konali know we're here.
- On his turf.
- Hit him where it hurts.
I like that.
- Get in his face.
- Kick some butt.
Better get Katrina.
Hey, bud. Nice work.
It would be a shame
to see this all go up in smoke.
- How do you mean?
- Accidents happen.
Fire breaks out,
beam gives way, workers...
Get out.
Tell Konali I won't pay
his extortion money.
Hey, buddy. Commandant Lassard
sends his regards.
I can't tell you how it makes me feel...
...to be received so very, very
generously into your family.
Oh.
I'll take matters into my own hands.
What is he doing?
- Sir, would you like to have lunch?
- Meet me in the bedroom.
In the bathroom.
- Sir?
Meet me there!
Meet you there! Meet you there!
This sewer stinks.
So Americans leave
without saying goodbye.
Russians say goodbye
without leaving.
Oh, allow me.
Ooh!
This went rancid.
I promise you this:
After today, Konali's gonna know
this cop's in town.
This is a typical Russian bathhouse.
Okay. So this is Konali's sauna.
It's just a front. People come here
to fence stolen jewels.
All right. Let's get naked.
Come on. Come on.
Hello, ladies.
Hi.
Nice place you got here.
Freeze!
You may resume...
...whatever it is you were doing.
Okay, okay. I should be
right under Konali's restaurant.
- Did you like the necklace?
Oh, yes, my pushki.
- How much?
- In fact, it is all that I am wearing.
I decided that from now on...
...I will only wear diamonds,
diamonds and diamonds.
- Yes.
- Really?
KONALl: I'm going to see you later, right?
Oh, I hope so.
KONALl:
I'm going to bring you big surprise.
- What?
- How about Big Skippy?
- I love Big Skippy.
- And Little Skippy.
No, not the little one.
- He bothers me.
- All right. I call you later.
Hey, move it. Down in front.
Mr. Konali, we've got bad news.
It's American police.
They're messing
with our operation again.
No more. You hear me?
As of this moment I am putting
a contract out on Lassard and his team!
We squash them!
My fish, Swimmy Lassard.
He eats at this time every day.
This will be fun, Vlady.
Hey, you little punk, get lost!
Hey, spread out!
- You okay?
- Yeah.
Listen, just because they're good on bikes
doesn't make them nice guys.
Man, look at you. Come on.
This one's for you, kid.
Now, check this.
There. Don't miss.
Vlady, get up.
I hate dogs. I'm gonna shoot every dog
I ever see.
What have we got here?
A match with a red line through...
I've been here for 30 minutes.
Shouldn't we see if Konali's inside?
The Russian work ethic.
You know, Katrina,
you take this job too seriously.
You have to learn to loosen up.
I want to loosen up.
Had vacation planned. Go to beach.
Now I sit on bench here with you.
You sure you speak with Talinsky?
- Da, Talinsky.
- I not understand.
I should not be here.
Well, you know, Katrina, sometimes
you have to expect the unexpected.
- I know your type.
- My type?
You just like to hunt fox.
You like the chase.
Katrina, go out with me tonight.
Just one date.
Give me a chance.
I go out with you tonight.
Excellent.
Ladies and gentlemen.
I would like to introduce to you...
...the world-famous
circus family, Zemskova.
It's the Zemskov family. They're great.
They've been doing this act
for over 100 years.
They look amazingly spry for their age.
The Zemskov family
passed the act down...
...from grandfather to father
to son and daughter.
It's tradition. Keep secrets in family.
Ooh.
Maybe that's one they should
keep a secret.
One more of those, it could be
the end of the Zemskov family.
And now Ivan Zemskovi
will perform the impossible!
The triple Salto Mortale.
Ivan Zemskovi!
I know.
- Know what?
- You lie.
You tell me you get me
off case as translator.
- I'm sorry?
- Instead you tell Talinsky...
...I'm great translator.
Translation:
No vacation for me.
So...
...tonight I get even. Da?
Let's hear it for the great
artist family, Zemskov.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Igor and Andrusha.
Excuse me. I have to go
to the little clowns' room.
Get him.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, I'd like to, but I...
No, no.
I'll come back in five minutes.
I will. I promise you.
What is that? Is this gonna hurt?
It's not even lubricated.
Ah! Whoa!
Don't you clowns
know when to stop?
Let's do it. Don't be afraid.
Close your eyes.
Everybody, quiet!
Huh? All right, listen here, Bozo...
Don't forget, you're the one
that called us for help, buster.
Well, excuse me, buster,
but I didn't place the call.
Great, great subway. Terrific.
I mean, New York is a shithouse,
but this is great.
Well, have you been able
to capture Konali?
We were this close.
Listen to me and use my equipment,
you can capture him in two days.
Na, na, na, na, na, na.
Na, na, na, na, na, na?
Nah.
Nah.
- What about this Russian food?
- You want borscht? We stop.
I don't want any borscht.
So now we're even. Da?
Katrina, no. I had a wonderful time.
All right. I had an awful time
and I almost hurled...
...but at least I got to spend
some time with you.
I had good time too.
I'm sorry for what I did.
I just...
I just wanted to keep you around.
It's okay.
What are you thinking about?
What's Russian for "kiss me"?
I whisper it.
It doesn't seem to lose anything
in the translation.
You know, Konali...
...he's done many bad things.
But he brought you here.
Where does Konali hang out at night?
- The casino.
- Suddenly I feel the need to gamble.
No more bets, please. No more bets.
Mr. Konali, always a pleasure
to see you, sir.
Jacquot, would you show Mr. Konali
to his table?
That's him.
Place your bets.
- Have a nice evening, sir.
- What if he finds out you're cop?
Oh, he will, when I arrest him.
Bartender, margarita, please.
- There you go, Monsieur Bond.
- How about a Perrier in a bottle?
Whoa.
Not bad, huh, Mr. Konali?
Never before have I seen
such an apparition.
Let's get up.
Right.
Such a vision of womanhood.
- Oh, yeah.
- Mr. Konali, meet Debbie.
Debbie. The name sings to me.
Debbie
- Yeah!
- Ah.
I'd say she's in. Be right back.
- Could I get an autograph?
- Hey, the boss is busy.
- Sorry. This'll only take a second.
- I said, the boss is busy.
- Oh, God.
- I tell you what. Why don't we...
Why don't we flip for it?
If I win...
...I get the autograph.
If you win, I go away.
Ready? Call it.
If you could just
make it out to Freddie.
Hey, kid.
- You got a job?
- No. I'm just here for the herring.
You should come work for me.
Kid like you can go far.
Do you offer a dental plan?
I love this kid!
Well, well, well.
You can all go and play
your little undercover games...
...and when the time is right,
I will arrest Konali.
KONALl: I want to show you picture
of my baby.
Uh-huh.
KONALl:
This is the day I brought her home.
Hmm.
KONALl: Here she is at 10,000 miles.
Ooh.
KONALl:
And this is after her first tune-up.
Mm-hm.
Nice car.
- Do you own or lease?
- Everything I touch...
...I own.
You must have an awfully large payroll.
KONALl:
Enough about me.
Tell me...
...is that your real hair?
Everything about me is real.
Really?
Really.
I want to know all about you.
I find you fascinating.
We have an appointment with destiny.
But not tonight.
When?
Tomorrow.
Coffee and cake.
I send my car for you.
Nice car.
Yoo-hoo! Commandant Lassard!
Come out, come out, wherever you are!
Give me a cigarette.
Did you see Konali's girlfriend?
American-ski.
Oh, nice tie-ski.
Okay, get me some vodka.
Damn!
Why don't you try
"from Russia with love"?
"Russia with love. "
Who are you?
- None of your business.
- What are you doing here?
- Playing games.
Hey, knock it off.
Hey, cut it out.
I know what you want...
...but you can't have it.
- What's wrong with you?
- Did you know...
...that I have been in this room
for 72 hours straight with no food?
Just me...
...and the bear.
No food?
No.
Nuts?
- Your little game is over.
- No, not yet.
Tomorrow it'll all be over...
...and Konali will have the power.
Could you let me up now, please?
I'm on kind of a deadline.
And with Konali...
...he takes "deadline" literally.
I'm about to show the world
something bigger...
...than they have ever seen
in their puny existence.
But...
...I want to show you my thing first.
Is it something I could
wrap around my neck?
KONALl:
You're warm.
Is it something I could play with?
- You're getting warmer.
- Oh, the suspense is killing me, Koni.
- Tell me what it is.
- It's a game!
But not just any game.
New version of old game...
- ... where I become big winner...
- Oh.
- ... with the help of a secret key.
- Secret key?
Key?
- What are you doing?
- Uh...
Nothing.
Boss wants his computer key
from his office.
It's not here.
It's at his other office...
...in the restaurant.
Bye.
Whoa!
That's a laser grid.
We set one foot on that floor...
...and every alarm
in this place goes off.
We've got to get to that
cutoff switch over there.
Hey, Tack, I got it.
Okay, stand back. There's only one way
to get this safe open.
Wait a minute. You blow that thing,
Konali's gonna know we were here.
Hmm. What are we gonna do?
You're amazing.
There's no key in here.
Keys!
- Move, you little weasel.
- Don't hurt me, okay...
- Hey!
- Adam.
- You have game?
- Sure.
I surpassed myself. This game...
...will be even bigger
than the last one.
The world is mine.
Go run off a dozen copies.
We have to test it.
Send it to some of our
more dedicated game players:
The president, the mayor...
...Chief of Police Rakov.
Can I get paid now?
Oh.
It's in the mail.
And so are you.
Oh, no. Not again.
So...
- ... did you get any of Lassard's team?
- No.
But you did get Lassard, yes?
No.
You bumbling nincompoops!
You call yourselves men?!
There must be someone we can call.
We haven't called the police.
"To American police-ski:
Bolshoi Theatre, tonight.
Konali to buy
stolen shipment of weapons.
You must stop him.
A friend. "
You know I don't speak Russian.
KONALl:
But, sweetheart, it's a ballet.
Hey, who wants some nuts?!
I got fresh nuts over here. Catch.
There you go, mister.
No, it didn't reach you long enough.
Up, topside!
I gotcha! There you go, Mr. Benny!
Ah!
Sorry, lady.
Who wants nuts? Right over here!
Excuse me, babushka.
I'm sorry. Excuse me, ma'am.
- Ticket, please.
- I don't have a ticket.
- You need a ticket.
- I'm an American police captain...
...on assignment.
I don't need a ticket.
- I'm sorry. You must have ticket.
- Don't you understand?
I have to arrest somebody in there.
You cannot arrest anyone
without a ticket.
You think so?
Well, we'll just see about that.
Excuse me. Make way. Make way.
Must be a replacement.
- Captain Harris! Get out of here.
Tackleberry!
- Now!
What are you doing here?
We've got to get off!
Go!
Oh!
- Tackleberry! Konali!
- Over here.
Go away!
- We gotta get out of here!
It's Konali!
Come on, before he sees us! Come on!
I saw Konali. Konali! I saw Konali!
- That's Konali! Put me down!
- I know, sir! I know, sir!
- Konali!
- I know!
Freeze!
You're under arrest.
What are you doing?
- Arresting you.
His butt is mine! I'll arrest him!
For selling weapons
to a known criminal.
"Sunshine Kids. "
We've been set up.
I am completely disgusted with you all.
I am glad my good friend, Commandant
Lassard, knew nothing about this.
You are a disgrace to your uniforms...
...and an embarrassment to me.
Yuri, you know what to do. Do it.
Ever since he return from Moscow...
...I have been trying
to capture Konali red-handed!
And now you cowboys waltz in
and smash my work to pieces!
So now,
if my police look at Konali wrong...
...Konali will scream harassment!
Americans...
...you are hereby ordered
to leave Russia.
You understand?
Get out!
By 3:00 tomorrow!
Or else!
And as for you...
Sir? Wanna remind you
the plane leaves at 3:00.
In the bathroom.
Sir?
Something about that sign disturbs me.
Mama.
- What do you say we...?
- I'm way ahead of you.
Sir?
The other bag. The other... Big bag-ski,
big bag. Here, give it to me. Ow!
Jones! Get me up!
I have never been humiliated
like this before!
- So you've been humiliated other ways?
- Just shut up, Jones.
- Oh, yes, sir.
- Connors!
I thought you weren't coming.
Didn't want my heart to be broken.
Now it's too late.
Callahan! They got Callahan!
Who the hell?
- Callahan!
- Connors!
Let's go!
Don't worry about me!
Take care of yourself!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
Come on! Move-ski, move-ski, move-ski!
Go! Go! Start it up! Go!
Connors! Hang on, Connors!
Shut up.
Sergeant, can't you go any faster?
Make this thing go!
He's going to get killed!
- Nobody on my team gets killed...
- ... and that's an order!
I'm gonna get killed!
Jeez!
Shake him off!
Whoa!
- Tackleberry, give me your gun.
- Yes, sir!
This is a locator bullet. If we can hit the
car with it, we can follow it anywhere.
Yes, sir!
Sasha, just get me one clean shot.
Fire it, Tack. Fire it, let's go!
Tackleberry, do something right
for a change. Hit that car!
Gotcha.
- My buddy! Help!
Russkies!
Russkies, in the motorcycle!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Don't you understand English? Faster!
What is this, a rodeo? Come on!
Get closer!
Connors!
Connors! You better be glad you
weren't killed, because I've got a plan.
Hurry up. Move it, move it, move it!
It works.
Shamed. In front of my men!
My peers!
- My mommy!
- Sorry about that.
You. You will pay dearly
for what you have done!
I know.
- You will marry me.
- Wow.
- Nice getup.
- Thanks.
- We're going to share everything.
- Okay.
Right in bull's-eye!
I cannot believe your obstinacy!
You could have had it all!
Instead you betray me?
I am going to bury you!
- Ooh!
- What? What? I'm busy!
The game is in
the police station computer.
I'm in! Yes!
Now for the key. My secret code.
Turn around.
- Three, four, five.
KONALl: Yes.
Everything ready at the warehouse?
Got to go, cupcake.
I get in touch with you later.
See if you change your mind.
Ah!
Shoot him.
Look, he left us play toy.
I really need this.
Tackleberry, crash the left window.
Jones, Connors, Katrina,
the right window.
I'll go through the roof with the guys.
- How about the door?
- Well, move it, move it, move it.
Take that, perverts!
This next room has to be it.
Crash through on the count of three.
- One, two...
- Freeze!
- Did anyone hear me say "three"?
- I took care of it.
- Where is he?
- He's gone.
Konali has left the building.
Some command let him break into
the police computer system.
- If he gets in, we can't stop him.
- His hacker was working on the game.
- The key must be on it.
They're sending a shipment.
- They're at the warehouse.
- Let's go.
Wait. Talinsky said if you're not
on the 3:00 flight he'll arrest you.
She's right. Let's go anyway.
No problem.
- There, that's them! Go, go, go!
It's Talinsky.
- Okay, it's a problem.
Good. Good.
In 48 hours, "The New Game"
will be in stores worldwide.
How we gonna park?
Sasha!
Let's go! Let's go!
Move it! Move it! Move it!
All right, listen up! Listen up!
Jones, give me those handcuffs.
- Now, remember: I will arrest Konali.
- Come on. Come on. Come on.
Now, we attack on three.
One, two...
Stop! Stop! Stop!
Advertising spots will run consecutive
days for the next three months.
And A.M. Moscow wants you
for a guest spot.
Keep car running!
- Where is master disk and passkey?
- It's back inside your safe.
In the restaurant office,
as you requested.
KONALl:
Good.
Hey, Natasha.
- I'll let you know if I need anything else.
You need a good attorney.
Konstantine Konali, I arrest you
in the name of the law.
Stop. Everybody stop.
- Put up gun!
- I have arrested Konali. He's my prisoner.
I will not be humiliated again
like Bolshoi disaster.
I've seen this before.
I was playing with this
in Rakov's office.
My lawyer's going to sue
for malicious prosecution...
...intentional harassment
and breaking a guy's heart.
You're not going to sue anybody,
because I am sending you to jail.
- Do you have proof?
- Proof? Proof.
- Do we have proof?
Yes.
Lieutenant, it's right under your nose.
What's the number
of the police computer?
- That's top security...
- Type in "Konali. "
Come on, Connors. Keep trying.
- Try "Konstantine. "
- No.
- Wait. It was five letters.
I saw Konali type five letters.
"Greed. "
Type in "greed. "
Classified information!
Konali hid a program
in his computer game.
Nobody would know it was there.
It allowed him access to the user's files.
It's like stealing candy from a baby.
Or top-secret information
from a government.
I finally got you, Konali. Ha!
Captain Harris?
Oh, no.
A toast to my new Russian family.
Excuse me.
I have to go to the boys' room.
Oh, excuse me.
- I thought this was the bathroom.
- You!
- Lassard.
- Why, yes.
I'm flattered you recognize me.
I'm not sure where...
- You can't have me!
- I don't want you.
- En garde!
- On what?
You have any last requests?
God! God! Sonny Bono!
Upsy-daisy!
Ah-ha!
- You look familiar.
- Don't play with me, Lassard.
- Was it Paris?
- No, not Paris.
- Rome?
- Not Rome.
You think you can play me the fool?
Ol!
You'll never take me, Lassard!
Not Konstantine Konali!
Ah! I remember you now.
You're under arrest
for crimes against Russia...
...and America and their citizens!
Ha!
Do it!
- Today...
- Today, today.
- ... we have shown...
We have shown, we have shown.
Hm.
- ... people everywhere...
- People everywhere...
...that Americans and Russians
are brothers.
I honor you and your team.
Would Commandant Lassard
please join me at podium?
Comrade.
And now, as a special tribute
to our American friends...
...I salute you all.
Five, four, three, two...
Good evening. Tragedy in Taiwan.
Disaster in Denmark.
Mayhem in Malaysia.
Those stories and more coming up later.
Tonight's lead story:
the computer game phenomenon...
...distributed by alleged Russian
Mafia leader Konstantine Konali...
...has taken the world by storm.
Out of the cold climates of Russia...
...comes the hottest
computer game sensation...
...simply called "The Game. " Ed?
- Ed, what are you doing?
- You gotta try this game. It's great.
Not now, Ed.
In the past six months...
..."The Game" has generated
over $1.5 billion in revenue...
- ... breaking all previous records.
- Get him, you miserable bear!
What makes this game stand out?
This is the first time that a video game...
- ... has appealed to a youthful...
- Ed!
...as well as a more sophisticated market.
- Oh, sh...
- "The Game," available in cartridges...
...as well as floppy disks for computer,
has everybody playing.
Take it, Lindsay, take it.
The creator and mass-marketer
of "The Game" is Konstantine Konali...
- ... allegedly head of the Russian Mafia.
- No, no, no!
Konali and...
What is he up to in Moscow?
Get your hands off it.
- Get your hands off the game!
- I want that game!
I'm not giving you my game!
Give it to me!
You're through at this station.
You're through.
Misha, take care of Skippy.
Ay.
Leonid, Leonid, Leonid.
Enough living in the shadows.
Someday...
...this will all...
...be mine!
This crime problem is out of hand.
Yes, Boris Nikolayevich.
We need help.
I can recommend a man I met
during the international conference.
I understand he has already
had dealings with Konali...
...when Konali was in America.
I will make this very clear.
Can he help us get Konali?
Yes, Boris Nikolayevich.
He is just the man for the job.
Keep me informed.
Ah.
Oh.
There you are, son.
How are the new recruits doing?
It might be the best class ever,
except for one man.
- He's afraid of heights.
- See what you can do for him.
I find that sometimes the least likely
cadets make the finest police officers.
Commandant Lassard, throw us the ball.
Off the scoreboard...
...off the floor, off the wall...
...off the redhead.
Nothing but net.
- Not bad.
- I love this game.
Connors. Where's Connors?
Thanks, Connors. You fixed it.
That's a classified police file.
"The academy has assembled a special
team for a mission to Moscow. "
I'd kill for that job.
Webster's on the list. Why him?
Because he graduated first in our class.
Yeah, well...
...can he do this?
Yep.
Can he do this?
- Yep.
- That's all I got.
What are you doing?
- Well, I've never been to Russia.
- Okay, now put it back.
Connors. Sergeant wants you.
- Yeah.
Now.
I'm so very, very glad to see you.
The Moscow police
have asked us to assist them...
- ... in apprehending Konstantine Konali.
Russkies?
The godfather of Russian
organized crime.
Men...
Six years ago...
...Konali helped to establish a branch
of the Russian Mafia here...
...in our country.
Nearly got him then.
Unfortunately, he slipped through our
fingers and escaped back to Moscow...
...where he continues
his criminal activities...
...aided by his brother Mikhail
and pet snake Skippy.
Home run!
Now we get another chance
to apprehend him.
Man, what a wimp.
Connors, get down here.
You're never gonna pass the test.
I've gotta pass. My father was a cop.
His father was a cop.
His father was a horse thief.
- You got vertigo. Let's go.
- Vertigo. Ha!
I don't have vertigo.
Yo, Connors, you want a doughnut?
Not bad.
Connors, let's face it.
You don't have what it takes
to be a cop.
Take this to Commandant
Lassard's office.
- He'll sign off on your dismissal papers.
Bummer, dude.
Now, I want you to meet...
...a new addition to our team.
- You must be Cadet Connors.
- Hi.
I'm very, very impressed by your file.
- Cadet Kyle Connors.
- Mm.
Top grade average in the class.
Sir, I have to tell you something.
Congratulations.
Thanks, but I'm not really the man
in that file.
Oh, I know what you mean.
These reports never do give
an accurate picture of who we really are.
- Hm?
- Yes, but...
Ow!
Ooh!
What the hell is this?
Uh-huh.
Come on, come on. Come on.
- Let's all pull together.
Okay.
Okay, all together, on three!
One, two, three!
Oh, God.
- Sir!
Ah! Captain Harris, our expert in
surveillance, will be accompanying us.
Team, we're all off to Russia...
...to kick many, many butt-skis.
Ah, Alexander Nikolaivitch.
Men...
...this is the honorable Commandant
Alexander Nikolaivitch Rakov.
- Sasha.
- May I say it is an honor...
...to have the great Commandant
Lassard visiting our country?
- Yes, you may.
- May I kiss you again?
- No, you may not.
- May I escort you inside?
Yes, you may.
It is really wonderful
to have you here in Russia.
Please say hello to your lovely wife...
...and tell her I'm sorry
she's not here with you.
Yes. Lieutenant Yuri Talinsky.
Head of our organized crime unit.
Please, don't underestimate
the power of the Russian Mafia...
...the most sadistic organization
in the world.
Katya.
This is Sergeant Katya Sergei.
She has been handpicked
to be your guide and translator.
Lieutenant Talinsky,
I hold you personally responsible...
...for the comfort and safety of the
Americans and Commandant Lassard.
- Yes, sir.
- Now, Americans and Russians...
...we must grab Konali
like the insect that he is...
...and we must then crush him!
- God.
Make way. Jones. Jones.
- Jones. Make way. Make way.
- Oh!
I am Captain Thaddeus Harris
and in this case...
...I have state-of-the-art
American surveillance equipment.
I'll have this Konali business
wrapped up for you in a few days.
Excuse me, Ricky.
I must go to the toilet.
Yes, of course.
- Pardon me. Which is my car?
- The one in front.
The one in front. Oh, yeah.
- What did he say?
- Well, he said that you had...
...a marvelous attitude and you're
a pleasure to work with, sir.
I'm going to keep my eye on you.
The red zone
is for Communist parking only.
The one in front.
The red zone
is for Communist parking only.
Oh, hello.
Lieutenant Talinsky didn't
tell me his family would be here.
Very nice of you to come and greet me.
Katrina, I want you to think of me
as America's goodwill ambassador.
And you think of me
as translator and guide.
Stop! Stop!
Ay! Ay-yai-yai-yai-yai.
I'm in deep borscht.
Captain Callahan, 511.
Sergeant Jones, 513.
Sergeant Tackleberry, 514.
Cadet Connors, 520.
Captain Harris, 515.
Not exactly a four-star hotel, is it?
Well, we spend our police budget
on fighting criminals...
...not on pampering
out-of-town visitors.
Your government brought us here.
They also bring in monkeys for zoo...
...but we don't put them
in four-star hotel either.
Well, I just go check
on Commandant Lassard.
Lassard. Lassard. You!
You.
- Hm-mm.
- You.
I have job for you.
Again. When you hear door, you say:
"I'm in the bathroom.
I'll meet you there. "
"I'm in the bathroom. Meet me there. "
Again.
"I'm in the bathroom.
I'll meet you there. "
"I'm in the bathroom.
Meet you there. "
Come in.
Again!
"In the bathroom. Meet me there. "
Excuse me.
Is the commandant in?
Well, I just saw him. He's very tired
and enjoying moment of rest.
Ah. Thank you.
I have to get to next level. Eh...
- Looking for something, captain?
- Bugs. You can never be too careful.
- Call me paranoid.
- You're paranoid.
I'm down to one life. I can't make it.
Can I show you a little trick?
Watch. You just want the bear
to go back three spaces. Right?
See?
It makes it to next level.
- I made it. Thank you.
- Game.
Good morning, everyone.
I understand that your commandant
will not be joining us today.
However, we will proceed
with briefing anyway.
Konstantine Konali,
Russian Mafia godfather.
Jones!
His brother and second-in-command,
Mikhail Konali.
Konstantine Konali is involved
in extortion...
...gambling, fencing jewelry,
arms dealing.
But he does not choose
to involve himself...
Too much cabbage.
- ... in day-to-day running of operations...
...which makes it rather difficult
to catch him. However...
...we know three places
that he frequents regularly.
One: his restaurant...
...where he conducts meetings
in back of office.
Two: his dacha. And three:
Hello. Hello.
His warehouse, where he conducts
legitimate video games business. Now...
...we believe Konali
is up to something big.
Unfortunately, attempts
to infiltrate his operations have failed...
...but we will now work together
and we will capture Konali.
- Excuse me.
Ow!
Adam.
So good to see you.
Thank you for inviting me, Mr. Konali.
However, your delivery service...
...leaves a little bit to be desired.
I have the perfect plan,
but I need your help.
- My help?
- I want you to design a program...
...that will bypass any computer
security system in the world...
...letting me have access to secret files.
You're talking about...
- ... a passkey?
- Bingo.
- Nothing like this exists.
- Create it.
I want to be able to tap
into the world's banks...
...manipulate the world's stock markets,
know what heads of countries know.
We could control the world!
Louder, Misha. I don't think
all of Moscow heard you.
Even if I did create this passkey,
how will you get it into their computers?
I have already thought of that.
You, my dear Adam, will design
a new version of "The Game. "
We will call it...
..."The New Game. "
And we will put the passkey in it.
When you slip it into your computer,
bada-bing!
I will have access to impenetrable files.
Pretty good, no?
Lassard.
Bah! Yankee police.
Ow!
Boys, watch them.
I want to know their every move.
Good luck, babushka.
Uh...
"In the bathroom. Meet you there.
In the...
In the bathroom. " Yes.
Sir, we have to go now.
- Sir?
- In the bathroom.
- Meet you there.
- Is everything okay?
The commandant is having
some problems adjusting.
- He's gonna meet us there.
- Oh.
Whew!
You know, in America,
funerals are in English.
This where you live?
Good day.
I have a fish.
He lives in a bowl too.
You have a lovely, lovely apartment.
Somehow, I feel quite at home here.
A Russki police academy.
What a joke.
Da, da, da-da-da.
In Lassard's absence,
I will do all the talking.
You'll say nothing, do nothing,
watch your every move.
Be on your toes.
Any false move could embarrass us all.
And don't trust these guys.
Just because we're buddy-buddy
with them now...
...don't forget they
were our sworn enemies just...
Just a little while ago.
- Move it. Move it, move it.
Moron.
The topic for today is police field tactics.
The Russian and the American approach.
American police. Good.
Perhaps you can tell us
about apprehending criminals.
- Me?
- You. You.
Goodness' sakes.
- Major.
- Sergeant.
Class, this is Sergeant Tackleberry.
Okay. You know, as cops...
I don't have to tell you this.
It's tough to uphold the law,
but in the States...
...we have to deal with constantly
changing police regulations.
I mean, take for example
the excessive force issue.
- I could use a volunteer.
- Tackleberry, what are you doing?
I am in charge here.
Captain Harris,
perhaps you should demonstrate.
- Well, that's more like it.
- Back in the old days...
...there wasn't anything you couldn't do
trying to apprehend a perpetrator.
Take for example
the highly effective chokehold.
Tackleberry!
Well, nowadays this is considered
to be excessive force.
Or...
...the ever-dependable,
always reliable PK-24 police baton...
...which, with a single blow
to the body...
...say to the lower thigh...
Renders a subject
completely incapacitated.
But, no, no.
Nowadays this too is considered
to be excessive force.
They want me to uphold the law...
...but they tie my hands.
Fortunately...
...there's always Old Reliable.
Why mess with success?
Uh, thanks.
Have you seen Lassard?
I have had it with you losers.
I will capture Konali
because I use my head.
Yeah, right.
Think we can lose him?
Excuse me.
Is possible you help me?
Sure. Uh...
Why don't you guys run along
and I'll catch up with you later.
Uh-huh. Sure.
Katrina, how can I help you?
You ever want something
so badly it hurts?
- Yes.
- And no matter how much you wait...
...and hope and wait more,
you don't get what you want?
Well, yeah.
But my advice is don't give up.
Just go for it.
- I want...
- Thattagirl. Follow your heart.
- I want...
- Say it.
- I want my vacation.
- What's that?
I wait three years. Three years.
Then you Americans come.
Talinsky, he assign me to you.
- Mm-hm.
- Now I can't go.
I have plan.
Connors, I don't leave you...
...without anyone.
Come. I select suitable replacement
for you.
She's best in department.
Yeah, I'm sure she is.
Look, all I know is Lassard
disappear at airport.
Organize search, find Lassard,
but keep quiet.
- What are you doing here?
- Just browsing.
Ah.
Hey, Yuri, that translator, Katrina?
Very good. She's excellent.
All our people are excellent.
For instance, this is Irina Petrovskaya.
She is expert in forensics.
She can tell you everything
about person...
...just by looking at one hair from head.
Ow!
Hmm. My observations conclude
this man is picky eater...
...afraid of heights...
- ... and still a virgin.
What?
I'm not a picky eater.
Cadet Connors is also a forensics expert.
Maybe you'd be so generous
as to share with us your expertise.
- Uh, sure.
- This one puzzles us.
We were able to remove only one
fingerprint from scene of crime.
This is our only clue...
...to identity of criminal.
Okey-dokey.
No wonder you're puzzled.
This glass is all cracked.
Enough!
Next assignment, Chernobyl.
Excuse me, lieutenant...
...but the chief said you and your men
would be available to us.
Absolutely, Captain Callahan,
and I have just the men for you.
These guys are cops?
You get the feeling that
we're not wanted here?
I'll tell you what we need to do.
- We need to let Konali know we're here.
- On his turf.
- Hit him where it hurts.
I like that.
- Get in his face.
- Kick some butt.
Better get Katrina.
Hey, bud. Nice work.
It would be a shame
to see this all go up in smoke.
- How do you mean?
- Accidents happen.
Fire breaks out,
beam gives way, workers...
Get out.
Tell Konali I won't pay
his extortion money.
Hey, buddy. Commandant Lassard
sends his regards.
I can't tell you how it makes me feel...
...to be received so very, very
generously into your family.
Oh.
I'll take matters into my own hands.
What is he doing?
- Sir, would you like to have lunch?
- Meet me in the bedroom.
In the bathroom.
- Sir?
Meet me there!
Meet you there! Meet you there!
This sewer stinks.
So Americans leave
without saying goodbye.
Russians say goodbye
without leaving.
Oh, allow me.
Ooh!
This went rancid.
I promise you this:
After today, Konali's gonna know
this cop's in town.
This is a typical Russian bathhouse.
Okay. So this is Konali's sauna.
It's just a front. People come here
to fence stolen jewels.
All right. Let's get naked.
Come on. Come on.
Hello, ladies.
Hi.
Nice place you got here.
Freeze!
You may resume...
...whatever it is you were doing.
Okay, okay. I should be
right under Konali's restaurant.
- Did you like the necklace?
Oh, yes, my pushki.
- How much?
- In fact, it is all that I am wearing.
I decided that from now on...
...I will only wear diamonds,
diamonds and diamonds.
- Yes.
- Really?
KONALl: I'm going to see you later, right?
Oh, I hope so.
KONALl:
I'm going to bring you big surprise.
- What?
- How about Big Skippy?
- I love Big Skippy.
- And Little Skippy.
No, not the little one.
- He bothers me.
- All right. I call you later.
Hey, move it. Down in front.
Mr. Konali, we've got bad news.
It's American police.
They're messing
with our operation again.
No more. You hear me?
As of this moment I am putting
a contract out on Lassard and his team!
We squash them!
My fish, Swimmy Lassard.
He eats at this time every day.
This will be fun, Vlady.
Hey, you little punk, get lost!
Hey, spread out!
- You okay?
- Yeah.
Listen, just because they're good on bikes
doesn't make them nice guys.
Man, look at you. Come on.
This one's for you, kid.
Now, check this.
There. Don't miss.
Vlady, get up.
I hate dogs. I'm gonna shoot every dog
I ever see.
What have we got here?
A match with a red line through...
I've been here for 30 minutes.
Shouldn't we see if Konali's inside?
The Russian work ethic.
You know, Katrina,
you take this job too seriously.
You have to learn to loosen up.
I want to loosen up.
Had vacation planned. Go to beach.
Now I sit on bench here with you.
You sure you speak with Talinsky?
- Da, Talinsky.
- I not understand.
I should not be here.
Well, you know, Katrina, sometimes
you have to expect the unexpected.
- I know your type.
- My type?
You just like to hunt fox.
You like the chase.
Katrina, go out with me tonight.
Just one date.
Give me a chance.
I go out with you tonight.
Excellent.
Ladies and gentlemen.
I would like to introduce to you...
...the world-famous
circus family, Zemskova.
It's the Zemskov family. They're great.
They've been doing this act
for over 100 years.
They look amazingly spry for their age.
The Zemskov family
passed the act down...
...from grandfather to father
to son and daughter.
It's tradition. Keep secrets in family.
Ooh.
Maybe that's one they should
keep a secret.
One more of those, it could be
the end of the Zemskov family.
And now Ivan Zemskovi
will perform the impossible!
The triple Salto Mortale.
Ivan Zemskovi!
I know.
- Know what?
- You lie.
You tell me you get me
off case as translator.
- I'm sorry?
- Instead you tell Talinsky...
...I'm great translator.
Translation:
No vacation for me.
So...
...tonight I get even. Da?
Let's hear it for the great
artist family, Zemskov.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Igor and Andrusha.
Excuse me. I have to go
to the little clowns' room.
Get him.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, I'd like to, but I...
No, no.
I'll come back in five minutes.
I will. I promise you.
What is that? Is this gonna hurt?
It's not even lubricated.
Ah! Whoa!
Don't you clowns
know when to stop?
Let's do it. Don't be afraid.
Close your eyes.
Everybody, quiet!
Huh? All right, listen here, Bozo...
Don't forget, you're the one
that called us for help, buster.
Well, excuse me, buster,
but I didn't place the call.
Great, great subway. Terrific.
I mean, New York is a shithouse,
but this is great.
Well, have you been able
to capture Konali?
We were this close.
Listen to me and use my equipment,
you can capture him in two days.
Na, na, na, na, na, na.
Na, na, na, na, na, na?
Nah.
Nah.
- What about this Russian food?
- You want borscht? We stop.
I don't want any borscht.
So now we're even. Da?
Katrina, no. I had a wonderful time.
All right. I had an awful time
and I almost hurled...
...but at least I got to spend
some time with you.
I had good time too.
I'm sorry for what I did.
I just...
I just wanted to keep you around.
It's okay.
What are you thinking about?
What's Russian for "kiss me"?
I whisper it.
It doesn't seem to lose anything
in the translation.
You know, Konali...
...he's done many bad things.
But he brought you here.
Where does Konali hang out at night?
- The casino.
- Suddenly I feel the need to gamble.
No more bets, please. No more bets.
Mr. Konali, always a pleasure
to see you, sir.
Jacquot, would you show Mr. Konali
to his table?
That's him.
Place your bets.
- Have a nice evening, sir.
- What if he finds out you're cop?
Oh, he will, when I arrest him.
Bartender, margarita, please.
- There you go, Monsieur Bond.
- How about a Perrier in a bottle?
Whoa.
Not bad, huh, Mr. Konali?
Never before have I seen
such an apparition.
Let's get up.
Right.
Such a vision of womanhood.
- Oh, yeah.
- Mr. Konali, meet Debbie.
Debbie. The name sings to me.
Debbie
- Yeah!
- Ah.
I'd say she's in. Be right back.
- Could I get an autograph?
- Hey, the boss is busy.
- Sorry. This'll only take a second.
- I said, the boss is busy.
- Oh, God.
- I tell you what. Why don't we...
Why don't we flip for it?
If I win...
...I get the autograph.
If you win, I go away.
Ready? Call it.
If you could just
make it out to Freddie.
Hey, kid.
- You got a job?
- No. I'm just here for the herring.
You should come work for me.
Kid like you can go far.
Do you offer a dental plan?
I love this kid!
Well, well, well.
You can all go and play
your little undercover games...
...and when the time is right,
I will arrest Konali.
KONALl: I want to show you picture
of my baby.
Uh-huh.
KONALl:
This is the day I brought her home.
Hmm.
KONALl: Here she is at 10,000 miles.
Ooh.
KONALl:
And this is after her first tune-up.
Mm-hm.
Nice car.
- Do you own or lease?
- Everything I touch...
...I own.
You must have an awfully large payroll.
KONALl:
Enough about me.
Tell me...
...is that your real hair?
Everything about me is real.
Really?
Really.
I want to know all about you.
I find you fascinating.
We have an appointment with destiny.
But not tonight.
When?
Tomorrow.
Coffee and cake.
I send my car for you.
Nice car.
Yoo-hoo! Commandant Lassard!
Come out, come out, wherever you are!
Give me a cigarette.
Did you see Konali's girlfriend?
American-ski.
Oh, nice tie-ski.
Okay, get me some vodka.
Damn!
Why don't you try
"from Russia with love"?
"Russia with love. "
Who are you?
- None of your business.
- What are you doing here?
- Playing games.
Hey, knock it off.
Hey, cut it out.
I know what you want...
...but you can't have it.
- What's wrong with you?
- Did you know...
...that I have been in this room
for 72 hours straight with no food?
Just me...
...and the bear.
No food?
No.
Nuts?
- Your little game is over.
- No, not yet.
Tomorrow it'll all be over...
...and Konali will have the power.
Could you let me up now, please?
I'm on kind of a deadline.
And with Konali...
...he takes "deadline" literally.
I'm about to show the world
something bigger...
...than they have ever seen
in their puny existence.
But...
...I want to show you my thing first.
Is it something I could
wrap around my neck?
KONALl:
You're warm.
Is it something I could play with?
- You're getting warmer.
- Oh, the suspense is killing me, Koni.
- Tell me what it is.
- It's a game!
But not just any game.
New version of old game...
- ... where I become big winner...
- Oh.
- ... with the help of a secret key.
- Secret key?
Key?
- What are you doing?
- Uh...
Nothing.
Boss wants his computer key
from his office.
It's not here.
It's at his other office...
...in the restaurant.
Bye.
Whoa!
That's a laser grid.
We set one foot on that floor...
...and every alarm
in this place goes off.
We've got to get to that
cutoff switch over there.
Hey, Tack, I got it.
Okay, stand back. There's only one way
to get this safe open.
Wait a minute. You blow that thing,
Konali's gonna know we were here.
Hmm. What are we gonna do?
You're amazing.
There's no key in here.
Keys!
- Move, you little weasel.
- Don't hurt me, okay...
- Hey!
- Adam.
- You have game?
- Sure.
I surpassed myself. This game...
...will be even bigger
than the last one.
The world is mine.
Go run off a dozen copies.
We have to test it.
Send it to some of our
more dedicated game players:
The president, the mayor...
...Chief of Police Rakov.
Can I get paid now?
Oh.
It's in the mail.
And so are you.
Oh, no. Not again.
So...
- ... did you get any of Lassard's team?
- No.
But you did get Lassard, yes?
No.
You bumbling nincompoops!
You call yourselves men?!
There must be someone we can call.
We haven't called the police.
"To American police-ski:
Bolshoi Theatre, tonight.
Konali to buy
stolen shipment of weapons.
You must stop him.
A friend. "
You know I don't speak Russian.
KONALl:
But, sweetheart, it's a ballet.
Hey, who wants some nuts?!
I got fresh nuts over here. Catch.
There you go, mister.
No, it didn't reach you long enough.
Up, topside!
I gotcha! There you go, Mr. Benny!
Ah!
Sorry, lady.
Who wants nuts? Right over here!
Excuse me, babushka.
I'm sorry. Excuse me, ma'am.
- Ticket, please.
- I don't have a ticket.
- You need a ticket.
- I'm an American police captain...
...on assignment.
I don't need a ticket.
- I'm sorry. You must have ticket.
- Don't you understand?
I have to arrest somebody in there.
You cannot arrest anyone
without a ticket.
You think so?
Well, we'll just see about that.
Excuse me. Make way. Make way.
Must be a replacement.
- Captain Harris! Get out of here.
Tackleberry!
- Now!
What are you doing here?
We've got to get off!
Go!
Oh!
- Tackleberry! Konali!
- Over here.
Go away!
- We gotta get out of here!
It's Konali!
Come on, before he sees us! Come on!
I saw Konali. Konali! I saw Konali!
- That's Konali! Put me down!
- I know, sir! I know, sir!
- Konali!
- I know!
Freeze!
You're under arrest.
What are you doing?
- Arresting you.
His butt is mine! I'll arrest him!
For selling weapons
to a known criminal.
"Sunshine Kids. "
We've been set up.
I am completely disgusted with you all.
I am glad my good friend, Commandant
Lassard, knew nothing about this.
You are a disgrace to your uniforms...
...and an embarrassment to me.
Yuri, you know what to do. Do it.
Ever since he return from Moscow...
...I have been trying
to capture Konali red-handed!
And now you cowboys waltz in
and smash my work to pieces!
So now,
if my police look at Konali wrong...
...Konali will scream harassment!
Americans...
...you are hereby ordered
to leave Russia.
You understand?
Get out!
By 3:00 tomorrow!
Or else!
And as for you...
Sir? Wanna remind you
the plane leaves at 3:00.
In the bathroom.
Sir?
Something about that sign disturbs me.
Mama.
- What do you say we...?
- I'm way ahead of you.
Sir?
The other bag. The other... Big bag-ski,
big bag. Here, give it to me. Ow!
Jones! Get me up!
I have never been humiliated
like this before!
- So you've been humiliated other ways?
- Just shut up, Jones.
- Oh, yes, sir.
- Connors!
I thought you weren't coming.
Didn't want my heart to be broken.
Now it's too late.
Callahan! They got Callahan!
Who the hell?
- Callahan!
- Connors!
Let's go!
Don't worry about me!
Take care of yourself!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
Come on! Move-ski, move-ski, move-ski!
Go! Go! Start it up! Go!
Connors! Hang on, Connors!
Shut up.
Sergeant, can't you go any faster?
Make this thing go!
He's going to get killed!
- Nobody on my team gets killed...
- ... and that's an order!
I'm gonna get killed!
Jeez!
Shake him off!
Whoa!
- Tackleberry, give me your gun.
- Yes, sir!
This is a locator bullet. If we can hit the
car with it, we can follow it anywhere.
Yes, sir!
Sasha, just get me one clean shot.
Fire it, Tack. Fire it, let's go!
Tackleberry, do something right
for a change. Hit that car!
Gotcha.
- My buddy! Help!
Russkies!
Russkies, in the motorcycle!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Don't you understand English? Faster!
What is this, a rodeo? Come on!
Get closer!
Connors!
Connors! You better be glad you
weren't killed, because I've got a plan.
Hurry up. Move it, move it, move it!
It works.
Shamed. In front of my men!
My peers!
- My mommy!
- Sorry about that.
You. You will pay dearly
for what you have done!
I know.
- You will marry me.
- Wow.
- Nice getup.
- Thanks.
- We're going to share everything.
- Okay.
Right in bull's-eye!
I cannot believe your obstinacy!
You could have had it all!
Instead you betray me?
I am going to bury you!
- Ooh!
- What? What? I'm busy!
The game is in
the police station computer.
I'm in! Yes!
Now for the key. My secret code.
Turn around.
- Three, four, five.
KONALl: Yes.
Everything ready at the warehouse?
Got to go, cupcake.
I get in touch with you later.
See if you change your mind.
Ah!
Shoot him.
Look, he left us play toy.
I really need this.
Tackleberry, crash the left window.
Jones, Connors, Katrina,
the right window.
I'll go through the roof with the guys.
- How about the door?
- Well, move it, move it, move it.
Take that, perverts!
This next room has to be it.
Crash through on the count of three.
- One, two...
- Freeze!
- Did anyone hear me say "three"?
- I took care of it.
- Where is he?
- He's gone.
Konali has left the building.
Some command let him break into
the police computer system.
- If he gets in, we can't stop him.
- His hacker was working on the game.
- The key must be on it.
They're sending a shipment.
- They're at the warehouse.
- Let's go.
Wait. Talinsky said if you're not
on the 3:00 flight he'll arrest you.
She's right. Let's go anyway.
No problem.
- There, that's them! Go, go, go!
It's Talinsky.
- Okay, it's a problem.
Good. Good.
In 48 hours, "The New Game"
will be in stores worldwide.
How we gonna park?
Sasha!
Let's go! Let's go!
Move it! Move it! Move it!
All right, listen up! Listen up!
Jones, give me those handcuffs.
- Now, remember: I will arrest Konali.
- Come on. Come on. Come on.
Now, we attack on three.
One, two...
Stop! Stop! Stop!
Advertising spots will run consecutive
days for the next three months.
And A.M. Moscow wants you
for a guest spot.
Keep car running!
- Where is master disk and passkey?
- It's back inside your safe.
In the restaurant office,
as you requested.
KONALl:
Good.
Hey, Natasha.
- I'll let you know if I need anything else.
You need a good attorney.
Konstantine Konali, I arrest you
in the name of the law.
Stop. Everybody stop.
- Put up gun!
- I have arrested Konali. He's my prisoner.
I will not be humiliated again
like Bolshoi disaster.
I've seen this before.
I was playing with this
in Rakov's office.
My lawyer's going to sue
for malicious prosecution...
...intentional harassment
and breaking a guy's heart.
You're not going to sue anybody,
because I am sending you to jail.
- Do you have proof?
- Proof? Proof.
- Do we have proof?
Yes.
Lieutenant, it's right under your nose.
What's the number
of the police computer?
- That's top security...
- Type in "Konali. "
Come on, Connors. Keep trying.
- Try "Konstantine. "
- No.
- Wait. It was five letters.
I saw Konali type five letters.
"Greed. "
Type in "greed. "
Classified information!
Konali hid a program
in his computer game.
Nobody would know it was there.
It allowed him access to the user's files.
It's like stealing candy from a baby.
Or top-secret information
from a government.
I finally got you, Konali. Ha!
Captain Harris?
Oh, no.
A toast to my new Russian family.
Excuse me.
I have to go to the boys' room.
Oh, excuse me.
- I thought this was the bathroom.
- You!
- Lassard.
- Why, yes.
I'm flattered you recognize me.
I'm not sure where...
- You can't have me!
- I don't want you.
- En garde!
- On what?
You have any last requests?
God! God! Sonny Bono!
Upsy-daisy!
Ah-ha!
- You look familiar.
- Don't play with me, Lassard.
- Was it Paris?
- No, not Paris.
- Rome?
- Not Rome.
You think you can play me the fool?
Ol!
You'll never take me, Lassard!
Not Konstantine Konali!
Ah! I remember you now.
You're under arrest
for crimes against Russia...
...and America and their citizens!
Ha!
Do it!
- Today...
- Today, today.
- ... we have shown...
We have shown, we have shown.
Hm.
- ... people everywhere...
- People everywhere...
...that Americans and Russians
are brothers.
I honor you and your team.
Would Commandant Lassard
please join me at podium?
Comrade.
And now, as a special tribute
to our American friends...
...I salute you all.