Princess Bride, The (1987) Movie Script
Hi, honey.
Hi, Mom.
You feeling any better?
A little bit.
Guess what.
What?
Grandfather's here.
Mom, can't you tell him
that I'm sick?
You're sick.
That's why he's here.
He'll pinch my cheek.
I hate that.
Maybe he won't.
How's the sickie?
I'll leave you two pals alone.
I brought you a special present.
- What is it?
- Open it up.
- A book?
- That's right.
When I was your age,
television was called books.
This is a special book.
It was the book my father used
to read to me when I was sick...
and I used to read it
to your father.
Today I'm going to read it
to you.
Does it got any sports in it?
Are you kidding?
Fencing, fighting,
torture, revenge...
giants, monsters, chases...
escapes, true love, miracles.
That doesn't sound too bad.
I'll try and stay awake.
Thank you very much.
That's very nice of you.
Your vote of confidence
is overwhelming.
All right.
"The Princess Bride...
"by S. Morgenstern.
"Chapter One.
"Buttercup was raised
on a small farm...
"in the country of Florin.
"Her favorite pastimes
were riding her horse...
"and tormenting the farm boy
that worked there.
"His name was Westley,
but she never called him that."
Isn't that
a wonderful beginning?
Yeah, it's really good.
"Nothing gave Buttercup
as much pleasure...
as ordering Westley around."
Farm boy,
polish my horse's saddle.
I want to see my face
shining in it by morning.
As you wish.
"As you wish"
was all he ever said to her.
Farm boy, fill these with water.
Please.
As you wish.
That day she was amazed
to discover...
that when he was saying,
"As you wish"...
what he meant was,
"I love you."
Even more amazing
was the day she realized...
she truly loved him back.
Farm boy.
Fetch me that pitcher.
As you wish.
Hold it, hold it.
What is this?
Are you trying to trick me?
And where's the sports?
Is this a kissing book?
Wait. Just wait.
When does it get good?
Keep your shirt on
and let me read.
"Westley had no money
for marriage...
"so he packed his few belongings
and left the farm...
"to seek his fortune
across the sea."
It was a very emotional time
for Buttercup.
I don't believe this!
I fear I'll never see you again.
Of course you will.
What if something
happens to you?
Hear this now...
I will always come for you.
But how can you be sure?
This is true love.
Do you think this happens
every day?
Westley didn't reach
his destination.
His ship was attacked
by the Dread Pirate Roberts...
who never left captives alive.
When Buttercup got the news
that Westley was murdered...
Murdered by pirates is good!
She went into her room
and shut the door...
and for days
she neither slept nor ate.
I will never love again.
Five years later, the main
square of Florin City...
was filled as never before
to hear the announcement...
of the great Prince
Humperdinck's bride-to-be.
My people...
a month from now...
our country
will have its 500th anniversary.
On that sundown,
I shall marry a lady...
who was once a commoner
like yourselves...
but perhaps you will not
find her common now.
Would you like to meet her?
My people,
the princess Buttercup!
Buttercup's emptiness
consumed her.
Although the law of the land
gave Humperdinck...
the right to choose his bride...
she did not love him.
Despite Humperdinck's
reassurance...
that she would grow
to love him...
the only joy she found
was in her daily ride.
A word, my lady?
We are but poor,
lost circus performers.
Is there a village nearby?
There is nothing nearby,
not for miles.
Then there will be no one
to hear you scream.
What is that you're ripping?
It's fabric from the uniform
of an army officer of Guilder.
Who's Guilder?
The country across the sea,
the sworn enemy of Florin.
Go!
Once the horse
reaches the castle...
the fabric will make
the prince suspect...
that the Guilderians
have abducted his love.
When he finds her body dead
on the Guilder frontier...
his suspicions
will be totally confirmed.
You never said anything
about killing anyone.
I've hired you to help me
start a war.
It's a prestigious
line of work...
with a long
and glorious tradition.
I just don't think it's right,
killing an innocent girl.
Am I going mad, or did the word
"think" escape your lips?
You were not hired
for your brains...
you hippopotamic land mass!
I agree with Fezzik.
The sot has spoken!
What happens to her
is not truly your concern!
I will kill her!
And remember this,
never forget this...
When I found you,
you were so slobbering drunk...
you couldn't buy brandy!
And you...
friendless, brainless...
helpless, hopeless!
Do you want me to send you
back to where you were...
unemployed in Greenland?
That Vizzini, he can... fuss.
Fuss, fuss...
I think he like to scream...
at us.
Probably he means no... harm.
He's really very short on...
charm.
You have a great gift for rhyme.
Yes, yes, some of the time.
Enough of that!
Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
If there are, we'll all be dead.
No more rhymes, now. I mean it!
Anybody want a peanut?
We'll reach the cliffs by dawn.
Why are you doing that?
Making sure
nobody's following us.
That would be inconceivable.
Despite what you think...
you will be caught,
and when you are...
the prince
will see you all hanged.
Of all the necks on this boat,
Highness...
the one you should be
worrying about is your own.
Stop doing that!
We can all relax.
It's almost over.
You are sure
nobody's following us?
As I told you, it would be
absolutely, totally...
and in all other ways
inconceivable!
No one in Guilder
knows what we've done...
and no one in Florin
could have gotten here so fast.
Out of curiosity,
why do you ask?
I happened to look behind us,
and something is there.
What?
Probably some local fisherman...
out for a pleasure cruise
at night...
through eel-infested waters.
What?
Go in! Get after her!
I don't swim.
I only dog-paddle.
Veer left!
Left!
Do you know what that sound is,
Highness?
Those are the shrieking eels.
If you don't believe me,
just wait.
They always grow louder...
when they're about to feed
on human flesh.
If you swim back now...
I promise no harm
will come to you.
I doubt you'll get such an offer
from the eels.
She doesn't get eaten
by the eels at this time.
What?
The eel doesn't get her.
I'm explaining to you
because you look nervous.
I wasn't nervous.
Maybe I was
a little bit concerned...
but that's not the same thing.
Because we can stop now
if you want.
No. You could read
a little bit more, if you want.
"Do you know
what that sound is, Highness?
"Those are the shrieking eels."
Pass that, Grandpa.
You read it already.
My goodness, I did.
I'm sorry. Beg your pardon.
All right, all right. Let's see.
She was in the water,
the eel was coming after her...
she was frightened...
the eel started to charge her,
and then...
Put her down. Just put her down!
I think he's getting closer.
He's no concern of ours.
Sail on!
I suppose you think
you're brave, don't you?
Only compared to some.
Look! He's right on top of us!
I wonder if he's using
the same wind we are using.
Whoever he is, he's too late.
See?
The Cliffs of Insanity!
Hurry up!
Move the thing!
And that other thing!
Move it!
We're safe.
Only Fezzik is strong enough
to go up our way.
He'll have to sail for hours
till he finds a harbor.
He's climbing the rope,
and he's gaining on us!
Inconceivable!
Faster!
I thought I was going faster.
You were supposed to be
this colossus...
you were
this great legendary thing...
and yet he gains!
I'm carrying three people,
and he got only himself.
I do not accept excuses.
I have to find a new giant.
Don't say that, Vizzini, please.
Did I make it clear
that your job is at stake?
He's got very good arms.
He didn't fall?
Inconceivable!
You keep using that word.
I do not think it means
what you think it means.
My God, he's climbing.
Whoever he is, he's obviously
seen us with the princess...
and must therefore die.
You carry her.
We'll head straight
for the Guilder frontier.
Catch up when he's dead.
If he falls, fine.
If not, the sword.
I'm going to duel him
left-handed.
You know what a hurry we're in.
It's the only way
I can be satisfied.
If I use my right, tsk!
Over too quickly.
Have it your way!
You be careful.
People in masks
cannot be trusted.
I'm waiting!
Hello there!
Slow going?
I don't mean to be rude, but
this is not as easy as it looks.
I'd appreciate it
if you wouldn't distract me.
- Sorry.
- Thank you.
I do not suppose
you could speed things up?
If you're in such a hurry...
you could lower a rope
or a tree branch...
or find something useful to do.
I could do that.
I got some rope up here...
but I do not think
you would accept my help...
since I am only waiting around
to kill you.
That does put a damper
on our relationship.
But I promise I won't kill you
until you reach the top.
That's very comforting, but I'm
afraid you'll just have to wait.
I hate waiting.
I could give you my word
as a Spaniard.
No good.
I've known too many Spaniards.
Any way you'll trust me?
Nothing comes to mind.
I swear on the soul
of my father, Domingo Montoya...
you will reach the top alive.
Throw me the rope.
Thank you.
Wait.
We'll wait until you're ready.
Again, thank you.
I do not mean to pry,
but you don't by any chance...
happen to have six fingers
on your right hand?
Do you always begin
conversations this way?
My father was slaughtered
by a six-fingered man.
He was a great swordmaker,
my father.
When the six-fingered man
appeared...
and request a special sword...
my father took the job.
He slaved a year
before he was done.
I've never seen its equal.
The six-fingered man
returned and demanded it...
but at 1/10 his promised price.
My father refused.
Without a word...
the six-fingered man
slashed him through the heart.
I loved my father.
So naturally, I challenged
his murderer to a duel.
I failed.
The six-fingered man
leave me alive...
but he gave me this.
How old were you?
I was eleven years old.
When I was strong enough...
I dedicated my life
to the study of fencing.
So the next time we meet,
I will not fail.
I will go up to
the six-fingered man and say...
"Hello.
"My name is Inigo Montoya.
"You killed my father.
"Prepare to die."
You've done nothing
but study swordplay?
More pursuit than study lately.
You see, I cannot find him.
It's been twenty years now.
I'm starting to lose confidence.
I just work for Vizzini
to pay the bills.
There's not a lot of money
in revenge.
I certainly hope
you find him someday.
You're ready, then?
Whether I am or not,
you've been more than fair.
You seem a decent fellow.
I hate to kill you.
You seem a decent fellow.
I hate to die.
Begin.
You are using Bonetti's defense
against me?
I thought it fitting
considering the rocky terrain.
Naturally. You must expect me
to attack with Capo Ferro.
Naturally, but I find that
Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro.
Don't you?
Unless the enemy
has studied Agrippa.
Which I have.
You are wonderful!
Thank you.
I've worked hard to become so.
I admit it.
You are better than I am.
Then why are you smiling?
Because I know something
you don't know.
What is that?
I am not left-handed.
You're amazing.
I ought to be,
after twenty years.
There's something
I ought to tell you.
Tell me.
I'm not left-handed, either.
Who are you?
No one of consequence.
I must know.
Get used to disappointment.
Kill me quickly.
I would sooner destroy
a stained-glass window...
as an artist like yourself.
However, since I can't have you
following me, either.
Please understand, I hold you
in the highest respect.
Inconceivable!
Give her to me!
Catch up with us quickly!
What do I do?
Finish him,
finish him... your way!
Good, my way.
Thank you, Vizzini.
Which way's my way?
Pick up one of those rocks,
get behind the boulder.
In a few minutes...
the man in black will come
running around the bend.
The minute his head is in view,
hit it with the rock!
My way is not
very sportsmanlike.
I did that on purpose.
I didn't have to miss.
I believe you.
So what happens now?
We face each other
as God intended.
Sportsmanlike.
No tricks, no weapons.
Skill against skill alone.
You'll put down your rock,
and I'll put down my sword...
and we'll try and kill each
other like civilized people?
I could kill you now.
Frankly, I think the odds...
are slightly in your favor
at hand-fighting.
It's not my fault being
the biggest and the strongest.
I don't even exercise.
Are you just fiddling around
with me, or what?
I want you to feel
you are doing well.
I hate for people
to die embarrassed.
You're quick!
Good thing, too!
Why are you wearing a mask?
Were you burned with acid
or something like that?
No. It's just they're
terribly comfortable.
I think everyone will be
wearing them in the future.
I just figured why you
give me so much trouble.
Why is that, do you think?
I haven't fought
just one person for so long.
I've been specializing
in groups.
Battling gangs
for local charities...
that kind of thing.
Why should that make
such a... Oof! Difference?
Well, you see...
you use different moves...
when you're fighting
half a dozen people...
than when you only...
have to be worried about one.
I do not envy you the headache
you will have when you awake.
But in the meantime, rest well
and dream of large women.
There was...
a mighty duel.
It ranged all over.
They were both masters.
Who won? How did it end?
The loser ran off alone...
while the winner... followed
those footprints toward Guilder.
Shall we track them both?
The loser is nothing.
Only the princess matters.
Clearly, this was all planned
by warriors of Guilder.
We must all be ready
for whatever lies ahead.
Could this be a trap?
I always think
everything could be a trap.
That is why I'm still alive.
So, it is down to you,
and it is down to me.
If you wish her dead...
by all means,
keep moving forward.
Let me explain.
There's nothing to explain.
You're trying to kidnap
what I've rightfully stolen.
Perhaps... an arrangement
can be reached.
There will be no arrangement,
and you're killing her.
If there can be no arrangement,
then we are at an impasse.
I'm afraid so.
I can't compete with you
physically...
and you're no match
for my brains.
You're that smart?
Let me put it this way...
have you ever heard of Plato,
Aristotle, Socrates?
- Yes.
- Morons.
Really?
In that case, I challenge you
to a battle of wits.
For the princess?
To the death?
I accept.
Good, then pour the wine.
Inhale this, but do not touch.
I smell nothing.
What you do not smell
is called iocane powder.
It is odorless, tasteless,
dissolves instantly in liquid...
and is among the more deadly
poisons known to man.
All right.
Where is the poison?
The battle of wits has begun.
It ends when you decide,
and we both drink...
and find out who is right...
and who is dead.
But it's so simple.
All I have to do is divine
from what I know of you...
are you the sort of man...
who would put the poison into
his own goblet or his enemy's?
A clever man
would put the poison...
into his own goblet...
because he would know
that only a great fool...
would reach
for what he was given.
I am not a great fool...
so I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of you.
But you must have known
I was not a great fool.
You would have counted on it...
so I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of me.
You've made your decision, then?
Not remotely...
because iocane comes from
Australia, as everyone knows...
and Australia is entirely
peopled with criminals...
and criminals are used to
having people not trust them...
as you are not trusted by me...
so I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of you.
Truly,
you have a dizzying intellect.
Wait till I get going!
- Where was I?
- Australia.
Yes, Australia.
You must have suspected...
I would have known
the powder's origin...
so I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of me.
You're just stalling now.
You'd like to think that,
wouldn't you?
You've beaten my giant...
which means
you're exceptionally strong...
so you could have put the poison
in your own goblet...
trusting on your strength
to save you...
so I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of you.
But you've also
bested my Spaniard...
which means
you must have studied...
and in studying, you must have
learned that man is mortal...
so you would have
put the poison...
as far from yourself
as possible...
so I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of me.
You're trying to trick me
into giving away something.
It won't work.
It has worked.
You've given everything away.
- I know where the poison is.
- Then make your choice.
I will, and I choose...
What in the world can that be?
What? Where?
I don't see anything.
I could have sworn
I saw something. No matter.
What's so funny?
I'll tell you in a minute.
First, let's drink...
me from my glass
and you from yours.
You guessed wrong.
You only think I guessed wrong.
That's what's so funny!
I switched glasses
when your back was turned!
You fool!
You fell victim
to one of the classic blunders.
The most famous is "Never get
involved in a land war in Asia."
But only slightly
less well known is this...
"Never go in against a Sicilian
when death is on the line!"
Who are you?
I am no one to be trifled with.
That is all you ever need know.
And to think, all that time...
it was your cup
that was poisoned.
They were both poisoned.
I spent the last few years...
building up an immunity
to iocane powder.
Someone has beaten the giant.
There will be great suffering
in Guilder if she dies.
Catch your breath.
If you'll release me...
whatever you ask for ransom,
you'll get it. I promise you.
And what is that worth...
the promise of a woman?
You're very funny, Highness.
I was giving you a chance.
It does not matter
where you take me...
there is no greater hunter
than Prince Humperdinck.
He can track a falcon
on a cloudy day.
He can find you.
You think your dearest love
will save you?
I never said
he was my dearest love.
And, yes, he will save me.
That I know.
You admit to me
you do not love your fianc.
He knows I do not love him.
Are not capable of love
is what you mean.
I have loved more deeply...
than a killer like yourself
could ever dream.
That was a warning, Highness.
The next time,
my hand flies on its own.
Where I come from, there are
penalties when a woman lies.
Iocane. I'd bet my life on it...
and there are
the princess' footprints.
She is alive,
or was an hour ago.
If she is otherwise
when I find her...
I shall be very put out.
- Rest, Highness.
- I know who you are.
Your cruelty reveals everything.
You're the Dread Pirate Roberts.
Admit it.
With pride.
What can I do for you?
You can die slowly,
cut into a thousand pieces.
Hardly complimentary,
Your Highness.
Why loose your venom on me?
You killed my love.
It's possible.
I kill a lot of people.
Who was this love of yours?
Another prince like this one...
ugly, rich, and scabby?
A farm boy, poor.
Poor and perfect with eyes
like the sea after a storm.
On the high seas,
your ship attacked.
And the Dread Pirate Roberts
never takes prisoners.
I can't afford
to make exceptions.
Once word leaks out
that a pirate has gone soft...
people begin to disobey you...
and then it's nothing but work,
work, work all the time.
You mock my pain.
Life is pain, Highness.
Anyone who says differently
is selling something.
I remember this farm boy
of yours, I think.
This would be, what,
five years ago?
Does it bother you to hear?
Nothing you can say
will upset me.
He died well.
That should please you.
No bribe attempts or blubbering.
He simply said, "Please...
"please, I need to live."
It was the please
that caught my memory.
I asked him
what was so important.
"True love," he replied.
Then he spoke of a girl...
of surpassing beauty
and faithfulness.
I can only assume he meant you.
You should bless me
for destroying him...
before he found out
what you really are.
And what am I?
Faithfulness he talked of,
madam...
your enduring faithfulness.
Tell me truly. When you
found out he was gone...
did you get engaged
to your prince that same hour...
or did you wait a whole week
out of respect for the dead?
You mocked me once.
Never do it again!
I died that day!
You can die, too,
for all I care!
As... you... wish!
My sweet Westley.
What have I done?
They've disappeared.
He must've seen us closing in...
which might account
for his panicking into error.
Unless I'm wrong,
and I am never wrong...
they are headed
dead into the Fire Swamp.
Can you move at all?
Move? You're alive.
If you want, I can fly.
I told you
I would always come for you.
Why didn't you wait for me?
Well...
you were dead.
Death cannot stop true love.
All it can do is delay it
for a while.
I will never doubt again.
There will never be a need.
Oh, no. No, please.
What is it? What's the matter?
They're kissing again.
Do we have to hear
the kissing part?
Someday you may not
mind so much.
Skip on to the Fire Swamp.
That sounded good.
You're sick. I'll humor you.
So now, where were we here?
Westley and Buttercup
raced along the ravine floor.
Your pig fianc is too late.
A few more steps, and we'll
be safe in the Fire Swamp.
We'll never survive.
Nonsense! You only say that
because no one ever has.
It's not that bad.
I'm not saying I'd like
to build a summer home here...
but the trees
are actually quite lovely.
Well, now,
that was an adventure.
Singed a bit, were you?
You?
One thing I will say...
the fire swamp certainly does
keep you on your toes.
This will all soon be
but a happy memory...
because Roberts' ship Revenge
is anchored at the far end...
and I, as you know, am Roberts.
How is that possible...
since he's been
marauding twenty years...
and you only left me
five years ago?
I myself am often surprised
at life's little quirks.
What I told you before
about saying please was true.
It intrigued Roberts...
as did my description
of your beauty.
Finally,
Roberts decided something.
He said, "All right, Westley,
I've never had a valet.
"You can try it for tonight.
"I'll most likely kill you
in the morning."
Three years he said that.
"Good night, Westley,
good work. Sleep well.
"I'll most likely kill you
in the morning."
It was a fine time for me.
I was learning to fence, fight,
anything anyone would teach me.
And Roberts and I
eventually became friends...
and then it happened.
What? Go on.
Roberts had grown so rich,
he wanted to retire...
so he took me to his cabin
and told me his secret.
"I am not the Dread Pirate
Roberts," he said.
"My name is Ryan.
"I inherited the ship
from the previous Roberts...
"just as you will inherit it
from me.
"The man I inherited it from
wasn't the real Roberts, either.
"His name was Cumberbund.
"The real Roberts has been
retired fifteen years...
"and living like a king."
Thank you.
Then he explained the name
was the important thing...
for inspiring
the necessary fear.
You see, no one would surrender
to the Dread Pirate Westley.
So we sailed ashore,
took on an entirely new crew.
And he stayed aboard
for a while as first mate...
all the time calling me Roberts.
Once the crew believed,
he left the ship...
and I have been Roberts
ever since.
Except,
now that we're together...
I shall retire and hand the name
over to someone else.
Is everything clear to you?
We'll never succeed.
We may as well die here.
No, we have already succeeded.
I mean, what are the three
terrors of the Fire Swamp?
One, the flame spurt.
No problem.
There's a popping sound
preceding each.
We can avoid that.
Two, the lightning sand.
But you were clever enough to
discover what that looks like...
so in the future,
we can avoid that, too.
Westley,
what about the R.O.U.S.s?
Rodents of Unusual Size?
I don't think they exist.
We did it.
Now, was that so terrible?
Surrender!
You mean you wish to surrender
to me?
Very well. I accept.
I give you full marks
for bravery.
Don't make yourself a fool.
But how will you capture us?
We know the secrets
of the Fire Swamp.
We can live there quite happily
for some time...
so whenever you feel like dying,
feel free to visit.
I tell you once again,
surrender!
It will not happen.
For the last time, surrender!
Death first!
Will you promise
not to hurt him?!
- What was that?
- What was that?
If we surrender
and I return with you...
will you promise
not to hurt this man?
May I live a thousand years
and never hunt again.
He is a sailor
on the pirate ship Revenge.
Promise to return him
to his ship.
I swear it will be done.
Once we're out of sight,
take him back to Florin...
and throw him
in the Pit of Despair.
I swear it will be done.
I thought you were dead once,
and it almost destroyed me.
I could not bear it
if you died again...
not when I could save you.
Come, sir.
We must get you to your ship.
We are men of action.
Lies do not become us.
Well spoken, sir.
What is it?
You have six fingers
on your right hand.
Someone was looking for you.
Where am I?
The Pit of Despair.
Don't even think...
Don't even think about
trying to escape.
The chains are far too thick.
And don't dream
of being rescued, either.
The only way in is secret.
Only the prince,
the count, and I...
know how to get in and out.
Then I'm here till I die?
Till they kill you, yeah.
Then why bother curing me?
The prince and count insist
on everyone being healthy...
before they're broken.
So it's to be torture.
I can cope with torture.
You don't believe me?
You survived the Fire Swamp.
You must be very brave...
but nobody
withstands the Machine.
She's been like that
ever since the Fire Swamp.
It's my father's failing health
that's upsetting her.
Of course.
The king died that very night...
and before the following dawn...
Buttercup and Humperdinck
were married.
And at noon,
she met her subjects again...
this time, as their queen.
My father's final words were...
Hold it! Hold it, Grandpa.
You read that wrong.
She doesn't marry Humperdinck.
She marries Westley.
I'm just sure of it.
After all that Westley
did for her...
if she didn't marry him,
it wouldn't be fair.
Who says life is fair?
Where is that written?
Life isn't always fair.
I'm telling you,
you're messing up the story!
Now, get it right!
Do you want me
to go on with this?
All right, then,
no more interruptions.
"At noon,
she met her subjects again...
this time, as their queen."
My father's final words were...
"Love her as I loved her,
and there will be joy."
I present to you your queen!
Queen Buttercup!
Why do you do this?
You had love in your hands,
and you gave it up!
They would have killed Westley
if I hadn't done it.
Your true love lives,
and you marry another!
True love saved her
in the Fire Swamp...
and she treated it like garbage!
And that's what she is...
the Queen of Refuse!
So bow down to her if you want!
Bow to her!
Bow to the Queen of Slime!
The Queen of Filth!
The Queen of Putrescence!
Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck!
It was ten days
till the wedding.
The king still lived.
But Buttercup's nightmares
were growing steadily worse.
See? Didn't I say she'd never
marry that rotten Humperdinck?
Yes, you're very smart.
Shut up.
It comes to this.
I love Westley. I always have.
I know now I always will.
If you tell me I must marry you
in ten days...
please believe
I will be dead by morning.
I could never cause you grief.
Consider our wedding off.
You returned this...
Westley to his ship?
Then we will simply alert him.
Beloved... are you certain
he still wants you?
After all, it was you who did
the leaving in the Fire Swamp.
Not to mention that pirates are
not known as men of their words.
My Westley
will always come for me.
I suggest a deal.
You write four copies
of a letter.
I'll send my four fastest ships,
one in each direction.
The Dread Pirate Roberts...
is always close to Florin
this time of year.
We'll run up the white flag
and deliver your message.
If Westley wants you,
bless you both.
If not...
please consider me
as an alternative to suicide.
Are we agreed?
Your princess is really
quite a winning creature.
A trifle simple, perhaps,
but her appeal is undeniable.
I know. The people
are quite taken with her.
It's odd,
but when I hired Vizzini...
to have her murdered
on our engagement day...
I thought that was clever.
But it's going to be
so much more moving...
when I strangle her
on our wedding night.
Once Guilder is blamed...
the nation
will be truly outraged.
They'll demand we go to war.
Now, where is that secret knot?
It's impossible to find.
Are you coming down
into the pit?
Westley's got his strength back.
I'm starting him
on the Machine tonight.
Tyrone, you know how much
I love watching you work...
but I've got my country's
my wedding to arrange,
my wife to murder...
and Guilder to frame for it.
I'm swamped.
Get some rest.
If you haven't got your health,
you haven't got anything.
Beautiful, isn't it?
It took me half a lifetime
to invent it.
I'm sure you've discovered...
my deep and abiding interest
in pain.
At present, I'm writing
the definitive work...
on the subject.
So I want you to be
totally honest with me...
on how the Machine
makes you feel.
This being our first try,
I'll use the lowest setting.
As you know, the concept
of the suction pump...
is centuries old.
Well, really,
that's all this is.
Except that,
instead of sucking water...
I'm sucking life.
I've just sucked
one year of your life away.
I might one day
go as high as five...
but I really don't know
what that would do to you...
so let's just start
with what we have.
What did this do to you?
Tell me.
And remember,
this is for posterity...
so be honest.
How do you feel?
Interesting.
Yellin.
Sire.
As chief enforcer of all Florin,
I trust you with this secret.
Killers from Guilder...
are infiltrating
the Thieves' Forest...
and plan to murder my bride
on our wedding night.
My spy network
has heard no such news.
Any word from Westley?
Too soon, my angel.
Patience.
He will come for me.
Of course.
She will not be murdered.
On the day of the wedding...
I want the Thieves' Forest
emptied...
and every inhabitant arrested.
Many of the thieves will resist.
My regular enforcers
will be inadequate.
Form a brute squad, then!
I want the Thieves' Forest
emptied before I wed.
It won't be easy, sire.
Try ruling the world sometime.
The day of the wedding arrived.
The brute squad
had their hands full...
carrying out
Humperdinck's orders.
Up! Up! Up!
Come on! Come on!
- Is everybody out?
- Almost.
There's a Spaniard
giving us some trouble.
Well, you give him some trouble.
Move.
I am waiting for you, Vizzini.
You told me to go back
to the beginning, so I have.
This is where I am,
and this is where I'll stay.
I will not be moved.
Ho there!
I do not budge.
Keep your "ho there."
The prince gave orders.
So did Vizzini.
When a job went wrong,
you went back to the beginning.
This is where we got the job,
so it's the beginning.
And I am staying
till Vizzini come.
You brute, come here!
I am waiting for Vizzini.
You surely are a meanie.
It's you.
True.
You don't look so good.
You don't smell so good, either.
Perhaps not.
I feel fine.
Fezzik and Inigo were reunited.
As Fezzik nursed his inebriated
friend back to health...
he told Inigo
of Vizzini's death...
and the existence
of Count Rugen...
the six-fingered man.
Considering Inigo's
lifelong search...
he handled the news
surprisingly well.
Fezzik took great care
in reviving Inigo.
That's enough!
Where is this Rugen now
so I may kill him?
He's with the prince
in the castle...
but the castle gate
is guarded by thirty men.
How many could you handle?
I don't think more than ten.
Leaving twenty for me.
At my best,
I could never defeat that many.
I need Vizzini to plan.
I have no gift for strategy.
But Vizzini is dead.
No. Not Vizzini.
I need the man in black.
What?
He bested you with strength,
your greatness.
He bested me with steel.
He must have
out-thought Vizzini.
A man who can do that can plan
my castle onslaught any day.
- Let's go.
- Where?
Find the man in black,
obviously.
But you don't know where he is.
Don't bother me with trifles.
After twenty years, at last...
my father's soul
will be at peace.
There will be blood tonight!
Rise and report.
The Thieves' Forest is emptied.
Thirty men
guard the castle gate.
Double it.
My princess must be safe.
The gate has but one key...
and I carry that.
My dulcet darling!
Tonight, we marry.
Tomorrow morning, your men will
escort us to Florin Channel...
where every ship in my armada...
waits to accompany us
on our honeymoon.
Every ship
but your four fastest, you mean.
Every ship
but the four you sent.
Yes, of course.
Naturally, not those four.
Your Majesties.
You never sent the ships.
Don't bother lying.
It doesn't matter.
Westley will come for me,
anyway.
You're a silly girl.
Yes, I am a silly girl...
for not having seen sooner that
you were nothing but a coward...
with a heart full of fear.
I would not say such things
if I were you.
Why not? You can't hurt me.
Westley and I are joined
by the bonds of love...
and you cannot track that...
not with
a thousand bloodhounds...
and you cannot break it...
not with a thousand swords.
And when I say
you are a coward...
that is only because you are
the slimiest weakling...
ever to crawl the earth.
I would not say such things
if I were you!
You truly love each other...
and so you might have been
truly happy.
Not one couple in a century
has that chance...
no matter what
the storybooks say.
So I think
no man in a century...
will suffer as greatly
as you will.
Not to fifty!
Listen. Do you hear?
That is the sound
of ultimate suffering.
My heart made that sound when
Rugen slaughtered my father.
The man in black makes it now.
The man in black?
His true love
is marrying another tonight.
Who else has the cause
for ultimate suffering?
Excuse me.
Pardon me, it's important.
Fezzik, please.
Everybody, move!
Thank you.
Where is the man in black?
You get there
from this grove, yes?
Fezzik, jog his memory.
I'm sorry, Inigo.
I didn't mean
to jog him so hard.
Father, I have failed you
for twenty years.
Now our misery can end.
Somewhere...
somewhere close by
is a man who can help us.
I cannot find him alone.
I need you.
I need you to guide my sword.
Please.
Guide my sword.
He's dead.
It just is not fair.
Grandpa, wait!
Wait. What did Fezzik mean,
"He's dead"?
I mean, he didn't mean dead.
Westley's only faking... right?
You want me to read this or not?
Who gets Humperdinck?
I don't understand.
Who kills Prince Humperdinck
at the end?
Somebody's got to do it.
Is it Inigo? Who?
Nobody. Nobody kills him.
He lives.
You mean he wins?
Jesus, Grandpa, what did you
read me this thing for?
You've been very sick...
and you're taking this story
very seriously.
I think we ought to stop now.
No. I'm OK.
Sit down. I'm all right.
All right, now,
let's see, where were we?
In the Pit of Despair.
We Montoyas
have never taken defeat easily.
Come along, Fezzik.
Bring the body.
The body?
Have you any money?
I have a little.
I just hope it's enough
to buy a miracle, that's all.
Go away!
What? What?
Are you the Miracle Max...
who worked for the king
all those years?
The king's stinking son
fired me.
And thank you for bringing up
such a painful subject.
While you're at it, why don't
you give me a nice paper cut...
and pour lemon juice on it?
We're closed!
Beat it,
or I'll call the brute squad.
I'm on the brute squad.
You are the brute squad.
We need a miracle.
It's very important.
Look, I'm retired.
And besides...
why would you want someone
the king's stinking son fired?
I might kill whoever
you wanted me to miracle.
He's already dead.
He is, huh?
I'll take a look. Bring him in.
I've seen worse.
Sir?
We're in a terrible rush.
Don't rush me, sonny.
You rush a miracle man,
you get rotten miracles.
You got money?
Sixty-five.
I never worked for so little...
except once,
and that was a very noble cause.
This is noble, sir.
His wife is crippled.
His children
are on the brink of starvation.
Are you a rotten liar!
I need him
to help avenge my father...
murdered these twenty years.
Your first story was better.
Where's that bellows?
He probably owes you money, huh?
Well, I'll ask him.
He's dead. He can't talk.
Look who knows so much, huh?
It just so happens your friend
is only mostly dead.
There's a big difference between
mostly dead and all dead.
Please open his mouth.
Now, mostly dead
is slightly alive.
Now, all dead...
well, with all dead...
there's usually only one thing
that you can do.
What's that?
Go through his clothes
and look for loose change.
Hello in there!
What's so important?
What you got here
that's worth living for?
Tr-u-u-ue lo-o-o-ove.
True love. You heard him?
You could not ask for
a more noble cause than that.
Hey, sonny...
true love is the greatest thing
in the world...
except for a nice M.L.T...
mutton, lettuce,
and tomato sandwich...
when the mutton is nice and lean
and the tomato is ripe.
They're so perky. I love that.
But that's not what he said.
He distinctly said,
"To bl-a-a-ave."
And as we all know,
to blave means to bluff, huh?
So you were probably playing
cards, and he cheated...
Liar!
Get back, witch!
I'm not a witch! I'm your wife!
But after what you just said...
I'm not even sure
I want to be that anymore!
You never had it so good.
He said true love, Max.
Don't say another word, Valerie!
He's afraid.
Ever since Prince Humperdinck
fired him...
his confidence is shattered.
Why'd you say that name?
You promised me that
you would never say that name!
What? Humperdinck?
I'm not listening!
A life expiring...
and you don't have the decency
to say why you won't help!
- Nobody's hearing nothing!
- Humperdinck!
This is Buttercup's true love.
If you heal him, he will stop
Humperdinck's wedding.
Shut up!
Wait a minute.
I make him better,
Humperdinck suffers?
Humiliations galore!
That is a noble cause.
Give me the sixty-five.
I'm on the job.
That's a miracle pill?
The chocolate coating
makes it go down easier...
but you have to wait 15 minutes
for full potency...
and you shouldn't go swimming
for at least, what?
- An hour. A good hour.
- Yeah, an hour.
Thank you for everything.
Bye-bye, boys.
Have fun storming the castle.
Think it'll work?
It would take a miracle.
Anything?
Inigo, there's more than thirty.
What's the difference?
We've got him.
Help me here.
We'll have to force-feed him.
Has it been fifteen minutes?
We can't wait.
The wedding's in half an hour.
We must strike in the hustle
and bustle beforehand.
Tilt his head back.
Open his mouth.
How long do we have to wait...
before if we know
the miracle works?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'll beat you apart!
I'll take you both together!
I guess not very long.
Why won't my arms move?
You've been mostly dead all day.
We had Miracle Max
make a pill to bring you back.
Who are you?
Are we enemies?
Why am I on this wall?
Where's Buttercup?
Let me explain.
No, there is too much.
Let me sum up.
Buttercup's marrying Humperdinck
in less than half an hour...
so all we have to do is get in,
break up the wedding...
steal the princess,
make our escape...
after I kill Count Rugen.
That doesn't leave much time
for dilly-dallying.
You just wiggled your finger!
That's wonderful!
I've always been a quick healer.
What are our liabilities?
There is but one
working castle gate.
Come on.
And it is guarded
by sixty men.
And our assets?
Your brains, Fezzik's strength,
my steel.
That's it?
Impossible.
If I had a month to plan...
maybe I could come up
with something, but this...
You just shook your head!
That doesn't make you happy?
My brains, his steel...
and your strength
against sixty men...
and a little head jiggle
is supposed to make me happy?
If we only had a wheelbarrow,
that would be something.
Where did we put the wheelbarrow
the albino had?
Over the albino, I think.
Why didn't you list that among
our assets in the first place?
What I wouldn't give
for a holocaust cloak.
There we cannot help you.
Will this do?
- Where did you get that?
- At Miracle Max's.
It fit so nice,
he said I could keep it.
All right. Come on, help me up.
I'll need a sword eventually.
Why? You can't even lift one.
True, but that's hardly
common knowledge, is it?
Thank you.
There may be problems
once we're inside.
I'll say.
How do I find the count?
Once I do,
how do I find you again?
Once I find you again,
how do we escape?
Don't pester him.
He's had a hard day.
Right, right. Sorry.
- Inigo.
- What?
I hope we win.
You don't seem excited,
my little muffin.
Should I be?
Brides often are, I'm told.
I do not marry tonight.
My Westley will save me.
Marriage...
Marriage is what brings us
together... today.
Marriage...
that blessed arrangement...
that dream within a dream...
Stand your ground, men!
I am the Dread Pirate Roberts.
There will be no survivor!
- Now?
- Not yet.
My men are here.
I am here...
but soon you will not be here.
- Now?
- Light him.
The Dread Pirate Roberts...
takes no survivors.
All your worst nightmares...
are about to come true.
Then love...
true love...
will follow you...
forever.
The Dread Pirate Roberts...
is here for your souls!
Stay where you are!
Fight!
Stay where you are!
So treasure your love.
Skip to the end.
Have you the ring?
Here comes my Westley now.
Fezzik, the portcullis!
Your Westley is dead.
I killed him myself.
Then why is there fear
behind your eyes?
Give us the gate key.
I have no gate key.
Fezzik, tear his arms off.
You mean this gate key?
...and do you,
Princess Buttercup...
Man and wife!
Say man and wife!
Man and wife.
Escort the bride
to the honeymoon suite.
I'll be there shortly.
He didn't come.
Kill the dark one
and the giant...
but leave the third
for questioning.
My name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father.
Prepare to die.
I need you!
I can't leave him alone.
He's getting away from me,
Fezzik!
Please!
I'll be right back.
Thank you.
Strange wedding.
Yes... a very strange wedding.
Come along.
What was that for?
Because you've always been
so kind to me.
And I won't be seeing you
again...
since I'm killing myself once
we reach the honeymoon suite.
Won't that be nice?
She kissed me!
Sorry, Father.
I tried.
You must be
that little Spanish brat...
I taught a lesson to
all those years ago.
Simply incredible.
Have you been chasing me
your whole life...
only to fail now?
I think that's the worst thing
I've ever heard.
How marvelous.
There's a shortage of
perfect breasts in this world.
It would be a pity
to damage yours.
Oh, Westley, darling!
Westley, why won't you hold me?
Gently.
At a time like this...
that's all you can think to say,
gently?
Gently!
Good heavens,
are you still trying to win?
You've got an overdeveloped
sense of vengeance.
It's going to get you
into trouble someday.
My name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father.
Prepare to die.
My name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father.
Prepare to die.
Hello!
My name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father.
Prepare to die.
Stop saying that!
Hello!
My name is Inigo Montoya!
You killed my father!
Prepare to die!
Offer me money.
Power, too, promise me that.
All that I have and more,
please.
Offer me everything I ask for.
Anything you want.
I want my father back,
you son of a bitch!
Westley,
will you ever forgive me?
What hideous sin
have you committed lately?
I got married. I didn't want to.
It all happened so fast.
It never happened.
It never happened.
But it did. I was there.
This old man said man and wife.
Did you say I do?
We sort of skipped that part.
Then you're not married.
If you didn't say it,
you didn't do it.
Wouldn't you agree,
Your Highness?
A technicality
that will shortly be remedied.
But first things first.
To the death.
To the pain.
I don't think I'm quite familiar
with that phrase.
I'll explain...
and I'll use small words so that
you'll be sure to understand...
you warthog-faced buffoon.
That may be the first time
in my life...
a man has dared insult me.
It won't be the last.
To the pain means
the first thing you lose...
will be your feet
below the ankles...
then your hands at the wrists...
next your nose.
And then my tongue, I suppose.
I killed you
too quickly the last time...
a mistake I don't mean
to duplicate tonight.
I wasn't finished.
The next thing you lose will be
your left eye, then your right.
And then my ears. I understand!
Let's get on with it!
Wrong! Your ears you keep,
and I'll tell you why...
so every shriek of every child
at seeing your hideousness...
will be yours to cherish.
Every babe that weeps
at your approach...
every woman who cries out,
"God, what is that thing"...
will echo in your perfect ears.
That is what
"to the pain" means.
It means I leave you
in anguish...
wallowing
in freakish misery forever.
I think you're bluffing.
It's possible, pig!
I might be bluffing.
It's conceivable,
you miserable vomitous mass...
I'm only lying here because
I lack the strength to stand.
Then again...
perhaps I have the strength
after all.
Drop your sword.
Have a seat.
Tie him up.
Make it as tight as you like.
Where's Fezzik?
I thought he was with you.
In that case...
Help him.
Why does Westley need helping?
Because he has no strength.
I knew you were bluffing!
I knew he was bluffing.
- Shall I dispatch him for you?
- Thank you, but no.
Whatever happens to us...
I want him to live a long life,
alone with his cowardice.
Inigo, where are you?
There you are.
Inigo,
I saw the prince's stables...
and there they were,
four white horses.
And I thought,
there are four of us...
if we ever find the lady.
Hello, lady.
So I took them with me in case
we ever bumped into each other.
I guess we just did.
You did something right.
Don't worry.
I won't let it go to my head.
You know...
it's very strange.
I have been in the revenge
business so long...
now that it's over...
I don't know what to do
with the rest of my life.
Have you ever considered piracy?
You'd make a wonderful
Dread Pirate Roberts.
They rode to freedom.
And as dawn arose, Westley and
Buttercup knew they were safe.
A wave of love swept over them.
And as they reached
for each other...
What? What?
It's kissing again.
You don't want to hear that.
I don't mind so much.
Since the invention
of the kiss...
there have been five kisses...
that were rated
the most passionate...
the most pure.
This one left them all behind.
The end.
Now I think
you ought to go to sleep.
All right.
So long.
Grandpa...
maybe you could come over...
and read it again to me
tomorrow.
As you wish.
Hi, Mom.
You feeling any better?
A little bit.
Guess what.
What?
Grandfather's here.
Mom, can't you tell him
that I'm sick?
You're sick.
That's why he's here.
He'll pinch my cheek.
I hate that.
Maybe he won't.
How's the sickie?
I'll leave you two pals alone.
I brought you a special present.
- What is it?
- Open it up.
- A book?
- That's right.
When I was your age,
television was called books.
This is a special book.
It was the book my father used
to read to me when I was sick...
and I used to read it
to your father.
Today I'm going to read it
to you.
Does it got any sports in it?
Are you kidding?
Fencing, fighting,
torture, revenge...
giants, monsters, chases...
escapes, true love, miracles.
That doesn't sound too bad.
I'll try and stay awake.
Thank you very much.
That's very nice of you.
Your vote of confidence
is overwhelming.
All right.
"The Princess Bride...
"by S. Morgenstern.
"Chapter One.
"Buttercup was raised
on a small farm...
"in the country of Florin.
"Her favorite pastimes
were riding her horse...
"and tormenting the farm boy
that worked there.
"His name was Westley,
but she never called him that."
Isn't that
a wonderful beginning?
Yeah, it's really good.
"Nothing gave Buttercup
as much pleasure...
as ordering Westley around."
Farm boy,
polish my horse's saddle.
I want to see my face
shining in it by morning.
As you wish.
"As you wish"
was all he ever said to her.
Farm boy, fill these with water.
Please.
As you wish.
That day she was amazed
to discover...
that when he was saying,
"As you wish"...
what he meant was,
"I love you."
Even more amazing
was the day she realized...
she truly loved him back.
Farm boy.
Fetch me that pitcher.
As you wish.
Hold it, hold it.
What is this?
Are you trying to trick me?
And where's the sports?
Is this a kissing book?
Wait. Just wait.
When does it get good?
Keep your shirt on
and let me read.
"Westley had no money
for marriage...
"so he packed his few belongings
and left the farm...
"to seek his fortune
across the sea."
It was a very emotional time
for Buttercup.
I don't believe this!
I fear I'll never see you again.
Of course you will.
What if something
happens to you?
Hear this now...
I will always come for you.
But how can you be sure?
This is true love.
Do you think this happens
every day?
Westley didn't reach
his destination.
His ship was attacked
by the Dread Pirate Roberts...
who never left captives alive.
When Buttercup got the news
that Westley was murdered...
Murdered by pirates is good!
She went into her room
and shut the door...
and for days
she neither slept nor ate.
I will never love again.
Five years later, the main
square of Florin City...
was filled as never before
to hear the announcement...
of the great Prince
Humperdinck's bride-to-be.
My people...
a month from now...
our country
will have its 500th anniversary.
On that sundown,
I shall marry a lady...
who was once a commoner
like yourselves...
but perhaps you will not
find her common now.
Would you like to meet her?
My people,
the princess Buttercup!
Buttercup's emptiness
consumed her.
Although the law of the land
gave Humperdinck...
the right to choose his bride...
she did not love him.
Despite Humperdinck's
reassurance...
that she would grow
to love him...
the only joy she found
was in her daily ride.
A word, my lady?
We are but poor,
lost circus performers.
Is there a village nearby?
There is nothing nearby,
not for miles.
Then there will be no one
to hear you scream.
What is that you're ripping?
It's fabric from the uniform
of an army officer of Guilder.
Who's Guilder?
The country across the sea,
the sworn enemy of Florin.
Go!
Once the horse
reaches the castle...
the fabric will make
the prince suspect...
that the Guilderians
have abducted his love.
When he finds her body dead
on the Guilder frontier...
his suspicions
will be totally confirmed.
You never said anything
about killing anyone.
I've hired you to help me
start a war.
It's a prestigious
line of work...
with a long
and glorious tradition.
I just don't think it's right,
killing an innocent girl.
Am I going mad, or did the word
"think" escape your lips?
You were not hired
for your brains...
you hippopotamic land mass!
I agree with Fezzik.
The sot has spoken!
What happens to her
is not truly your concern!
I will kill her!
And remember this,
never forget this...
When I found you,
you were so slobbering drunk...
you couldn't buy brandy!
And you...
friendless, brainless...
helpless, hopeless!
Do you want me to send you
back to where you were...
unemployed in Greenland?
That Vizzini, he can... fuss.
Fuss, fuss...
I think he like to scream...
at us.
Probably he means no... harm.
He's really very short on...
charm.
You have a great gift for rhyme.
Yes, yes, some of the time.
Enough of that!
Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
If there are, we'll all be dead.
No more rhymes, now. I mean it!
Anybody want a peanut?
We'll reach the cliffs by dawn.
Why are you doing that?
Making sure
nobody's following us.
That would be inconceivable.
Despite what you think...
you will be caught,
and when you are...
the prince
will see you all hanged.
Of all the necks on this boat,
Highness...
the one you should be
worrying about is your own.
Stop doing that!
We can all relax.
It's almost over.
You are sure
nobody's following us?
As I told you, it would be
absolutely, totally...
and in all other ways
inconceivable!
No one in Guilder
knows what we've done...
and no one in Florin
could have gotten here so fast.
Out of curiosity,
why do you ask?
I happened to look behind us,
and something is there.
What?
Probably some local fisherman...
out for a pleasure cruise
at night...
through eel-infested waters.
What?
Go in! Get after her!
I don't swim.
I only dog-paddle.
Veer left!
Left!
Do you know what that sound is,
Highness?
Those are the shrieking eels.
If you don't believe me,
just wait.
They always grow louder...
when they're about to feed
on human flesh.
If you swim back now...
I promise no harm
will come to you.
I doubt you'll get such an offer
from the eels.
She doesn't get eaten
by the eels at this time.
What?
The eel doesn't get her.
I'm explaining to you
because you look nervous.
I wasn't nervous.
Maybe I was
a little bit concerned...
but that's not the same thing.
Because we can stop now
if you want.
No. You could read
a little bit more, if you want.
"Do you know
what that sound is, Highness?
"Those are the shrieking eels."
Pass that, Grandpa.
You read it already.
My goodness, I did.
I'm sorry. Beg your pardon.
All right, all right. Let's see.
She was in the water,
the eel was coming after her...
she was frightened...
the eel started to charge her,
and then...
Put her down. Just put her down!
I think he's getting closer.
He's no concern of ours.
Sail on!
I suppose you think
you're brave, don't you?
Only compared to some.
Look! He's right on top of us!
I wonder if he's using
the same wind we are using.
Whoever he is, he's too late.
See?
The Cliffs of Insanity!
Hurry up!
Move the thing!
And that other thing!
Move it!
We're safe.
Only Fezzik is strong enough
to go up our way.
He'll have to sail for hours
till he finds a harbor.
He's climbing the rope,
and he's gaining on us!
Inconceivable!
Faster!
I thought I was going faster.
You were supposed to be
this colossus...
you were
this great legendary thing...
and yet he gains!
I'm carrying three people,
and he got only himself.
I do not accept excuses.
I have to find a new giant.
Don't say that, Vizzini, please.
Did I make it clear
that your job is at stake?
He's got very good arms.
He didn't fall?
Inconceivable!
You keep using that word.
I do not think it means
what you think it means.
My God, he's climbing.
Whoever he is, he's obviously
seen us with the princess...
and must therefore die.
You carry her.
We'll head straight
for the Guilder frontier.
Catch up when he's dead.
If he falls, fine.
If not, the sword.
I'm going to duel him
left-handed.
You know what a hurry we're in.
It's the only way
I can be satisfied.
If I use my right, tsk!
Over too quickly.
Have it your way!
You be careful.
People in masks
cannot be trusted.
I'm waiting!
Hello there!
Slow going?
I don't mean to be rude, but
this is not as easy as it looks.
I'd appreciate it
if you wouldn't distract me.
- Sorry.
- Thank you.
I do not suppose
you could speed things up?
If you're in such a hurry...
you could lower a rope
or a tree branch...
or find something useful to do.
I could do that.
I got some rope up here...
but I do not think
you would accept my help...
since I am only waiting around
to kill you.
That does put a damper
on our relationship.
But I promise I won't kill you
until you reach the top.
That's very comforting, but I'm
afraid you'll just have to wait.
I hate waiting.
I could give you my word
as a Spaniard.
No good.
I've known too many Spaniards.
Any way you'll trust me?
Nothing comes to mind.
I swear on the soul
of my father, Domingo Montoya...
you will reach the top alive.
Throw me the rope.
Thank you.
Wait.
We'll wait until you're ready.
Again, thank you.
I do not mean to pry,
but you don't by any chance...
happen to have six fingers
on your right hand?
Do you always begin
conversations this way?
My father was slaughtered
by a six-fingered man.
He was a great swordmaker,
my father.
When the six-fingered man
appeared...
and request a special sword...
my father took the job.
He slaved a year
before he was done.
I've never seen its equal.
The six-fingered man
returned and demanded it...
but at 1/10 his promised price.
My father refused.
Without a word...
the six-fingered man
slashed him through the heart.
I loved my father.
So naturally, I challenged
his murderer to a duel.
I failed.
The six-fingered man
leave me alive...
but he gave me this.
How old were you?
I was eleven years old.
When I was strong enough...
I dedicated my life
to the study of fencing.
So the next time we meet,
I will not fail.
I will go up to
the six-fingered man and say...
"Hello.
"My name is Inigo Montoya.
"You killed my father.
"Prepare to die."
You've done nothing
but study swordplay?
More pursuit than study lately.
You see, I cannot find him.
It's been twenty years now.
I'm starting to lose confidence.
I just work for Vizzini
to pay the bills.
There's not a lot of money
in revenge.
I certainly hope
you find him someday.
You're ready, then?
Whether I am or not,
you've been more than fair.
You seem a decent fellow.
I hate to kill you.
You seem a decent fellow.
I hate to die.
Begin.
You are using Bonetti's defense
against me?
I thought it fitting
considering the rocky terrain.
Naturally. You must expect me
to attack with Capo Ferro.
Naturally, but I find that
Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro.
Don't you?
Unless the enemy
has studied Agrippa.
Which I have.
You are wonderful!
Thank you.
I've worked hard to become so.
I admit it.
You are better than I am.
Then why are you smiling?
Because I know something
you don't know.
What is that?
I am not left-handed.
You're amazing.
I ought to be,
after twenty years.
There's something
I ought to tell you.
Tell me.
I'm not left-handed, either.
Who are you?
No one of consequence.
I must know.
Get used to disappointment.
Kill me quickly.
I would sooner destroy
a stained-glass window...
as an artist like yourself.
However, since I can't have you
following me, either.
Please understand, I hold you
in the highest respect.
Inconceivable!
Give her to me!
Catch up with us quickly!
What do I do?
Finish him,
finish him... your way!
Good, my way.
Thank you, Vizzini.
Which way's my way?
Pick up one of those rocks,
get behind the boulder.
In a few minutes...
the man in black will come
running around the bend.
The minute his head is in view,
hit it with the rock!
My way is not
very sportsmanlike.
I did that on purpose.
I didn't have to miss.
I believe you.
So what happens now?
We face each other
as God intended.
Sportsmanlike.
No tricks, no weapons.
Skill against skill alone.
You'll put down your rock,
and I'll put down my sword...
and we'll try and kill each
other like civilized people?
I could kill you now.
Frankly, I think the odds...
are slightly in your favor
at hand-fighting.
It's not my fault being
the biggest and the strongest.
I don't even exercise.
Are you just fiddling around
with me, or what?
I want you to feel
you are doing well.
I hate for people
to die embarrassed.
You're quick!
Good thing, too!
Why are you wearing a mask?
Were you burned with acid
or something like that?
No. It's just they're
terribly comfortable.
I think everyone will be
wearing them in the future.
I just figured why you
give me so much trouble.
Why is that, do you think?
I haven't fought
just one person for so long.
I've been specializing
in groups.
Battling gangs
for local charities...
that kind of thing.
Why should that make
such a... Oof! Difference?
Well, you see...
you use different moves...
when you're fighting
half a dozen people...
than when you only...
have to be worried about one.
I do not envy you the headache
you will have when you awake.
But in the meantime, rest well
and dream of large women.
There was...
a mighty duel.
It ranged all over.
They were both masters.
Who won? How did it end?
The loser ran off alone...
while the winner... followed
those footprints toward Guilder.
Shall we track them both?
The loser is nothing.
Only the princess matters.
Clearly, this was all planned
by warriors of Guilder.
We must all be ready
for whatever lies ahead.
Could this be a trap?
I always think
everything could be a trap.
That is why I'm still alive.
So, it is down to you,
and it is down to me.
If you wish her dead...
by all means,
keep moving forward.
Let me explain.
There's nothing to explain.
You're trying to kidnap
what I've rightfully stolen.
Perhaps... an arrangement
can be reached.
There will be no arrangement,
and you're killing her.
If there can be no arrangement,
then we are at an impasse.
I'm afraid so.
I can't compete with you
physically...
and you're no match
for my brains.
You're that smart?
Let me put it this way...
have you ever heard of Plato,
Aristotle, Socrates?
- Yes.
- Morons.
Really?
In that case, I challenge you
to a battle of wits.
For the princess?
To the death?
I accept.
Good, then pour the wine.
Inhale this, but do not touch.
I smell nothing.
What you do not smell
is called iocane powder.
It is odorless, tasteless,
dissolves instantly in liquid...
and is among the more deadly
poisons known to man.
All right.
Where is the poison?
The battle of wits has begun.
It ends when you decide,
and we both drink...
and find out who is right...
and who is dead.
But it's so simple.
All I have to do is divine
from what I know of you...
are you the sort of man...
who would put the poison into
his own goblet or his enemy's?
A clever man
would put the poison...
into his own goblet...
because he would know
that only a great fool...
would reach
for what he was given.
I am not a great fool...
so I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of you.
But you must have known
I was not a great fool.
You would have counted on it...
so I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of me.
You've made your decision, then?
Not remotely...
because iocane comes from
Australia, as everyone knows...
and Australia is entirely
peopled with criminals...
and criminals are used to
having people not trust them...
as you are not trusted by me...
so I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of you.
Truly,
you have a dizzying intellect.
Wait till I get going!
- Where was I?
- Australia.
Yes, Australia.
You must have suspected...
I would have known
the powder's origin...
so I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of me.
You're just stalling now.
You'd like to think that,
wouldn't you?
You've beaten my giant...
which means
you're exceptionally strong...
so you could have put the poison
in your own goblet...
trusting on your strength
to save you...
so I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of you.
But you've also
bested my Spaniard...
which means
you must have studied...
and in studying, you must have
learned that man is mortal...
so you would have
put the poison...
as far from yourself
as possible...
so I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of me.
You're trying to trick me
into giving away something.
It won't work.
It has worked.
You've given everything away.
- I know where the poison is.
- Then make your choice.
I will, and I choose...
What in the world can that be?
What? Where?
I don't see anything.
I could have sworn
I saw something. No matter.
What's so funny?
I'll tell you in a minute.
First, let's drink...
me from my glass
and you from yours.
You guessed wrong.
You only think I guessed wrong.
That's what's so funny!
I switched glasses
when your back was turned!
You fool!
You fell victim
to one of the classic blunders.
The most famous is "Never get
involved in a land war in Asia."
But only slightly
less well known is this...
"Never go in against a Sicilian
when death is on the line!"
Who are you?
I am no one to be trifled with.
That is all you ever need know.
And to think, all that time...
it was your cup
that was poisoned.
They were both poisoned.
I spent the last few years...
building up an immunity
to iocane powder.
Someone has beaten the giant.
There will be great suffering
in Guilder if she dies.
Catch your breath.
If you'll release me...
whatever you ask for ransom,
you'll get it. I promise you.
And what is that worth...
the promise of a woman?
You're very funny, Highness.
I was giving you a chance.
It does not matter
where you take me...
there is no greater hunter
than Prince Humperdinck.
He can track a falcon
on a cloudy day.
He can find you.
You think your dearest love
will save you?
I never said
he was my dearest love.
And, yes, he will save me.
That I know.
You admit to me
you do not love your fianc.
He knows I do not love him.
Are not capable of love
is what you mean.
I have loved more deeply...
than a killer like yourself
could ever dream.
That was a warning, Highness.
The next time,
my hand flies on its own.
Where I come from, there are
penalties when a woman lies.
Iocane. I'd bet my life on it...
and there are
the princess' footprints.
She is alive,
or was an hour ago.
If she is otherwise
when I find her...
I shall be very put out.
- Rest, Highness.
- I know who you are.
Your cruelty reveals everything.
You're the Dread Pirate Roberts.
Admit it.
With pride.
What can I do for you?
You can die slowly,
cut into a thousand pieces.
Hardly complimentary,
Your Highness.
Why loose your venom on me?
You killed my love.
It's possible.
I kill a lot of people.
Who was this love of yours?
Another prince like this one...
ugly, rich, and scabby?
A farm boy, poor.
Poor and perfect with eyes
like the sea after a storm.
On the high seas,
your ship attacked.
And the Dread Pirate Roberts
never takes prisoners.
I can't afford
to make exceptions.
Once word leaks out
that a pirate has gone soft...
people begin to disobey you...
and then it's nothing but work,
work, work all the time.
You mock my pain.
Life is pain, Highness.
Anyone who says differently
is selling something.
I remember this farm boy
of yours, I think.
This would be, what,
five years ago?
Does it bother you to hear?
Nothing you can say
will upset me.
He died well.
That should please you.
No bribe attempts or blubbering.
He simply said, "Please...
"please, I need to live."
It was the please
that caught my memory.
I asked him
what was so important.
"True love," he replied.
Then he spoke of a girl...
of surpassing beauty
and faithfulness.
I can only assume he meant you.
You should bless me
for destroying him...
before he found out
what you really are.
And what am I?
Faithfulness he talked of,
madam...
your enduring faithfulness.
Tell me truly. When you
found out he was gone...
did you get engaged
to your prince that same hour...
or did you wait a whole week
out of respect for the dead?
You mocked me once.
Never do it again!
I died that day!
You can die, too,
for all I care!
As... you... wish!
My sweet Westley.
What have I done?
They've disappeared.
He must've seen us closing in...
which might account
for his panicking into error.
Unless I'm wrong,
and I am never wrong...
they are headed
dead into the Fire Swamp.
Can you move at all?
Move? You're alive.
If you want, I can fly.
I told you
I would always come for you.
Why didn't you wait for me?
Well...
you were dead.
Death cannot stop true love.
All it can do is delay it
for a while.
I will never doubt again.
There will never be a need.
Oh, no. No, please.
What is it? What's the matter?
They're kissing again.
Do we have to hear
the kissing part?
Someday you may not
mind so much.
Skip on to the Fire Swamp.
That sounded good.
You're sick. I'll humor you.
So now, where were we here?
Westley and Buttercup
raced along the ravine floor.
Your pig fianc is too late.
A few more steps, and we'll
be safe in the Fire Swamp.
We'll never survive.
Nonsense! You only say that
because no one ever has.
It's not that bad.
I'm not saying I'd like
to build a summer home here...
but the trees
are actually quite lovely.
Well, now,
that was an adventure.
Singed a bit, were you?
You?
One thing I will say...
the fire swamp certainly does
keep you on your toes.
This will all soon be
but a happy memory...
because Roberts' ship Revenge
is anchored at the far end...
and I, as you know, am Roberts.
How is that possible...
since he's been
marauding twenty years...
and you only left me
five years ago?
I myself am often surprised
at life's little quirks.
What I told you before
about saying please was true.
It intrigued Roberts...
as did my description
of your beauty.
Finally,
Roberts decided something.
He said, "All right, Westley,
I've never had a valet.
"You can try it for tonight.
"I'll most likely kill you
in the morning."
Three years he said that.
"Good night, Westley,
good work. Sleep well.
"I'll most likely kill you
in the morning."
It was a fine time for me.
I was learning to fence, fight,
anything anyone would teach me.
And Roberts and I
eventually became friends...
and then it happened.
What? Go on.
Roberts had grown so rich,
he wanted to retire...
so he took me to his cabin
and told me his secret.
"I am not the Dread Pirate
Roberts," he said.
"My name is Ryan.
"I inherited the ship
from the previous Roberts...
"just as you will inherit it
from me.
"The man I inherited it from
wasn't the real Roberts, either.
"His name was Cumberbund.
"The real Roberts has been
retired fifteen years...
"and living like a king."
Thank you.
Then he explained the name
was the important thing...
for inspiring
the necessary fear.
You see, no one would surrender
to the Dread Pirate Westley.
So we sailed ashore,
took on an entirely new crew.
And he stayed aboard
for a while as first mate...
all the time calling me Roberts.
Once the crew believed,
he left the ship...
and I have been Roberts
ever since.
Except,
now that we're together...
I shall retire and hand the name
over to someone else.
Is everything clear to you?
We'll never succeed.
We may as well die here.
No, we have already succeeded.
I mean, what are the three
terrors of the Fire Swamp?
One, the flame spurt.
No problem.
There's a popping sound
preceding each.
We can avoid that.
Two, the lightning sand.
But you were clever enough to
discover what that looks like...
so in the future,
we can avoid that, too.
Westley,
what about the R.O.U.S.s?
Rodents of Unusual Size?
I don't think they exist.
We did it.
Now, was that so terrible?
Surrender!
You mean you wish to surrender
to me?
Very well. I accept.
I give you full marks
for bravery.
Don't make yourself a fool.
But how will you capture us?
We know the secrets
of the Fire Swamp.
We can live there quite happily
for some time...
so whenever you feel like dying,
feel free to visit.
I tell you once again,
surrender!
It will not happen.
For the last time, surrender!
Death first!
Will you promise
not to hurt him?!
- What was that?
- What was that?
If we surrender
and I return with you...
will you promise
not to hurt this man?
May I live a thousand years
and never hunt again.
He is a sailor
on the pirate ship Revenge.
Promise to return him
to his ship.
I swear it will be done.
Once we're out of sight,
take him back to Florin...
and throw him
in the Pit of Despair.
I swear it will be done.
I thought you were dead once,
and it almost destroyed me.
I could not bear it
if you died again...
not when I could save you.
Come, sir.
We must get you to your ship.
We are men of action.
Lies do not become us.
Well spoken, sir.
What is it?
You have six fingers
on your right hand.
Someone was looking for you.
Where am I?
The Pit of Despair.
Don't even think...
Don't even think about
trying to escape.
The chains are far too thick.
And don't dream
of being rescued, either.
The only way in is secret.
Only the prince,
the count, and I...
know how to get in and out.
Then I'm here till I die?
Till they kill you, yeah.
Then why bother curing me?
The prince and count insist
on everyone being healthy...
before they're broken.
So it's to be torture.
I can cope with torture.
You don't believe me?
You survived the Fire Swamp.
You must be very brave...
but nobody
withstands the Machine.
She's been like that
ever since the Fire Swamp.
It's my father's failing health
that's upsetting her.
Of course.
The king died that very night...
and before the following dawn...
Buttercup and Humperdinck
were married.
And at noon,
she met her subjects again...
this time, as their queen.
My father's final words were...
Hold it! Hold it, Grandpa.
You read that wrong.
She doesn't marry Humperdinck.
She marries Westley.
I'm just sure of it.
After all that Westley
did for her...
if she didn't marry him,
it wouldn't be fair.
Who says life is fair?
Where is that written?
Life isn't always fair.
I'm telling you,
you're messing up the story!
Now, get it right!
Do you want me
to go on with this?
All right, then,
no more interruptions.
"At noon,
she met her subjects again...
this time, as their queen."
My father's final words were...
"Love her as I loved her,
and there will be joy."
I present to you your queen!
Queen Buttercup!
Why do you do this?
You had love in your hands,
and you gave it up!
They would have killed Westley
if I hadn't done it.
Your true love lives,
and you marry another!
True love saved her
in the Fire Swamp...
and she treated it like garbage!
And that's what she is...
the Queen of Refuse!
So bow down to her if you want!
Bow to her!
Bow to the Queen of Slime!
The Queen of Filth!
The Queen of Putrescence!
Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck!
It was ten days
till the wedding.
The king still lived.
But Buttercup's nightmares
were growing steadily worse.
See? Didn't I say she'd never
marry that rotten Humperdinck?
Yes, you're very smart.
Shut up.
It comes to this.
I love Westley. I always have.
I know now I always will.
If you tell me I must marry you
in ten days...
please believe
I will be dead by morning.
I could never cause you grief.
Consider our wedding off.
You returned this...
Westley to his ship?
Then we will simply alert him.
Beloved... are you certain
he still wants you?
After all, it was you who did
the leaving in the Fire Swamp.
Not to mention that pirates are
not known as men of their words.
My Westley
will always come for me.
I suggest a deal.
You write four copies
of a letter.
I'll send my four fastest ships,
one in each direction.
The Dread Pirate Roberts...
is always close to Florin
this time of year.
We'll run up the white flag
and deliver your message.
If Westley wants you,
bless you both.
If not...
please consider me
as an alternative to suicide.
Are we agreed?
Your princess is really
quite a winning creature.
A trifle simple, perhaps,
but her appeal is undeniable.
I know. The people
are quite taken with her.
It's odd,
but when I hired Vizzini...
to have her murdered
on our engagement day...
I thought that was clever.
But it's going to be
so much more moving...
when I strangle her
on our wedding night.
Once Guilder is blamed...
the nation
will be truly outraged.
They'll demand we go to war.
Now, where is that secret knot?
It's impossible to find.
Are you coming down
into the pit?
Westley's got his strength back.
I'm starting him
on the Machine tonight.
Tyrone, you know how much
I love watching you work...
but I've got my country's
my wedding to arrange,
my wife to murder...
and Guilder to frame for it.
I'm swamped.
Get some rest.
If you haven't got your health,
you haven't got anything.
Beautiful, isn't it?
It took me half a lifetime
to invent it.
I'm sure you've discovered...
my deep and abiding interest
in pain.
At present, I'm writing
the definitive work...
on the subject.
So I want you to be
totally honest with me...
on how the Machine
makes you feel.
This being our first try,
I'll use the lowest setting.
As you know, the concept
of the suction pump...
is centuries old.
Well, really,
that's all this is.
Except that,
instead of sucking water...
I'm sucking life.
I've just sucked
one year of your life away.
I might one day
go as high as five...
but I really don't know
what that would do to you...
so let's just start
with what we have.
What did this do to you?
Tell me.
And remember,
this is for posterity...
so be honest.
How do you feel?
Interesting.
Yellin.
Sire.
As chief enforcer of all Florin,
I trust you with this secret.
Killers from Guilder...
are infiltrating
the Thieves' Forest...
and plan to murder my bride
on our wedding night.
My spy network
has heard no such news.
Any word from Westley?
Too soon, my angel.
Patience.
He will come for me.
Of course.
She will not be murdered.
On the day of the wedding...
I want the Thieves' Forest
emptied...
and every inhabitant arrested.
Many of the thieves will resist.
My regular enforcers
will be inadequate.
Form a brute squad, then!
I want the Thieves' Forest
emptied before I wed.
It won't be easy, sire.
Try ruling the world sometime.
The day of the wedding arrived.
The brute squad
had their hands full...
carrying out
Humperdinck's orders.
Up! Up! Up!
Come on! Come on!
- Is everybody out?
- Almost.
There's a Spaniard
giving us some trouble.
Well, you give him some trouble.
Move.
I am waiting for you, Vizzini.
You told me to go back
to the beginning, so I have.
This is where I am,
and this is where I'll stay.
I will not be moved.
Ho there!
I do not budge.
Keep your "ho there."
The prince gave orders.
So did Vizzini.
When a job went wrong,
you went back to the beginning.
This is where we got the job,
so it's the beginning.
And I am staying
till Vizzini come.
You brute, come here!
I am waiting for Vizzini.
You surely are a meanie.
It's you.
True.
You don't look so good.
You don't smell so good, either.
Perhaps not.
I feel fine.
Fezzik and Inigo were reunited.
As Fezzik nursed his inebriated
friend back to health...
he told Inigo
of Vizzini's death...
and the existence
of Count Rugen...
the six-fingered man.
Considering Inigo's
lifelong search...
he handled the news
surprisingly well.
Fezzik took great care
in reviving Inigo.
That's enough!
Where is this Rugen now
so I may kill him?
He's with the prince
in the castle...
but the castle gate
is guarded by thirty men.
How many could you handle?
I don't think more than ten.
Leaving twenty for me.
At my best,
I could never defeat that many.
I need Vizzini to plan.
I have no gift for strategy.
But Vizzini is dead.
No. Not Vizzini.
I need the man in black.
What?
He bested you with strength,
your greatness.
He bested me with steel.
He must have
out-thought Vizzini.
A man who can do that can plan
my castle onslaught any day.
- Let's go.
- Where?
Find the man in black,
obviously.
But you don't know where he is.
Don't bother me with trifles.
After twenty years, at last...
my father's soul
will be at peace.
There will be blood tonight!
Rise and report.
The Thieves' Forest is emptied.
Thirty men
guard the castle gate.
Double it.
My princess must be safe.
The gate has but one key...
and I carry that.
My dulcet darling!
Tonight, we marry.
Tomorrow morning, your men will
escort us to Florin Channel...
where every ship in my armada...
waits to accompany us
on our honeymoon.
Every ship
but your four fastest, you mean.
Every ship
but the four you sent.
Yes, of course.
Naturally, not those four.
Your Majesties.
You never sent the ships.
Don't bother lying.
It doesn't matter.
Westley will come for me,
anyway.
You're a silly girl.
Yes, I am a silly girl...
for not having seen sooner that
you were nothing but a coward...
with a heart full of fear.
I would not say such things
if I were you.
Why not? You can't hurt me.
Westley and I are joined
by the bonds of love...
and you cannot track that...
not with
a thousand bloodhounds...
and you cannot break it...
not with a thousand swords.
And when I say
you are a coward...
that is only because you are
the slimiest weakling...
ever to crawl the earth.
I would not say such things
if I were you!
You truly love each other...
and so you might have been
truly happy.
Not one couple in a century
has that chance...
no matter what
the storybooks say.
So I think
no man in a century...
will suffer as greatly
as you will.
Not to fifty!
Listen. Do you hear?
That is the sound
of ultimate suffering.
My heart made that sound when
Rugen slaughtered my father.
The man in black makes it now.
The man in black?
His true love
is marrying another tonight.
Who else has the cause
for ultimate suffering?
Excuse me.
Pardon me, it's important.
Fezzik, please.
Everybody, move!
Thank you.
Where is the man in black?
You get there
from this grove, yes?
Fezzik, jog his memory.
I'm sorry, Inigo.
I didn't mean
to jog him so hard.
Father, I have failed you
for twenty years.
Now our misery can end.
Somewhere...
somewhere close by
is a man who can help us.
I cannot find him alone.
I need you.
I need you to guide my sword.
Please.
Guide my sword.
He's dead.
It just is not fair.
Grandpa, wait!
Wait. What did Fezzik mean,
"He's dead"?
I mean, he didn't mean dead.
Westley's only faking... right?
You want me to read this or not?
Who gets Humperdinck?
I don't understand.
Who kills Prince Humperdinck
at the end?
Somebody's got to do it.
Is it Inigo? Who?
Nobody. Nobody kills him.
He lives.
You mean he wins?
Jesus, Grandpa, what did you
read me this thing for?
You've been very sick...
and you're taking this story
very seriously.
I think we ought to stop now.
No. I'm OK.
Sit down. I'm all right.
All right, now,
let's see, where were we?
In the Pit of Despair.
We Montoyas
have never taken defeat easily.
Come along, Fezzik.
Bring the body.
The body?
Have you any money?
I have a little.
I just hope it's enough
to buy a miracle, that's all.
Go away!
What? What?
Are you the Miracle Max...
who worked for the king
all those years?
The king's stinking son
fired me.
And thank you for bringing up
such a painful subject.
While you're at it, why don't
you give me a nice paper cut...
and pour lemon juice on it?
We're closed!
Beat it,
or I'll call the brute squad.
I'm on the brute squad.
You are the brute squad.
We need a miracle.
It's very important.
Look, I'm retired.
And besides...
why would you want someone
the king's stinking son fired?
I might kill whoever
you wanted me to miracle.
He's already dead.
He is, huh?
I'll take a look. Bring him in.
I've seen worse.
Sir?
We're in a terrible rush.
Don't rush me, sonny.
You rush a miracle man,
you get rotten miracles.
You got money?
Sixty-five.
I never worked for so little...
except once,
and that was a very noble cause.
This is noble, sir.
His wife is crippled.
His children
are on the brink of starvation.
Are you a rotten liar!
I need him
to help avenge my father...
murdered these twenty years.
Your first story was better.
Where's that bellows?
He probably owes you money, huh?
Well, I'll ask him.
He's dead. He can't talk.
Look who knows so much, huh?
It just so happens your friend
is only mostly dead.
There's a big difference between
mostly dead and all dead.
Please open his mouth.
Now, mostly dead
is slightly alive.
Now, all dead...
well, with all dead...
there's usually only one thing
that you can do.
What's that?
Go through his clothes
and look for loose change.
Hello in there!
What's so important?
What you got here
that's worth living for?
Tr-u-u-ue lo-o-o-ove.
True love. You heard him?
You could not ask for
a more noble cause than that.
Hey, sonny...
true love is the greatest thing
in the world...
except for a nice M.L.T...
mutton, lettuce,
and tomato sandwich...
when the mutton is nice and lean
and the tomato is ripe.
They're so perky. I love that.
But that's not what he said.
He distinctly said,
"To bl-a-a-ave."
And as we all know,
to blave means to bluff, huh?
So you were probably playing
cards, and he cheated...
Liar!
Get back, witch!
I'm not a witch! I'm your wife!
But after what you just said...
I'm not even sure
I want to be that anymore!
You never had it so good.
He said true love, Max.
Don't say another word, Valerie!
He's afraid.
Ever since Prince Humperdinck
fired him...
his confidence is shattered.
Why'd you say that name?
You promised me that
you would never say that name!
What? Humperdinck?
I'm not listening!
A life expiring...
and you don't have the decency
to say why you won't help!
- Nobody's hearing nothing!
- Humperdinck!
This is Buttercup's true love.
If you heal him, he will stop
Humperdinck's wedding.
Shut up!
Wait a minute.
I make him better,
Humperdinck suffers?
Humiliations galore!
That is a noble cause.
Give me the sixty-five.
I'm on the job.
That's a miracle pill?
The chocolate coating
makes it go down easier...
but you have to wait 15 minutes
for full potency...
and you shouldn't go swimming
for at least, what?
- An hour. A good hour.
- Yeah, an hour.
Thank you for everything.
Bye-bye, boys.
Have fun storming the castle.
Think it'll work?
It would take a miracle.
Anything?
Inigo, there's more than thirty.
What's the difference?
We've got him.
Help me here.
We'll have to force-feed him.
Has it been fifteen minutes?
We can't wait.
The wedding's in half an hour.
We must strike in the hustle
and bustle beforehand.
Tilt his head back.
Open his mouth.
How long do we have to wait...
before if we know
the miracle works?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'll beat you apart!
I'll take you both together!
I guess not very long.
Why won't my arms move?
You've been mostly dead all day.
We had Miracle Max
make a pill to bring you back.
Who are you?
Are we enemies?
Why am I on this wall?
Where's Buttercup?
Let me explain.
No, there is too much.
Let me sum up.
Buttercup's marrying Humperdinck
in less than half an hour...
so all we have to do is get in,
break up the wedding...
steal the princess,
make our escape...
after I kill Count Rugen.
That doesn't leave much time
for dilly-dallying.
You just wiggled your finger!
That's wonderful!
I've always been a quick healer.
What are our liabilities?
There is but one
working castle gate.
Come on.
And it is guarded
by sixty men.
And our assets?
Your brains, Fezzik's strength,
my steel.
That's it?
Impossible.
If I had a month to plan...
maybe I could come up
with something, but this...
You just shook your head!
That doesn't make you happy?
My brains, his steel...
and your strength
against sixty men...
and a little head jiggle
is supposed to make me happy?
If we only had a wheelbarrow,
that would be something.
Where did we put the wheelbarrow
the albino had?
Over the albino, I think.
Why didn't you list that among
our assets in the first place?
What I wouldn't give
for a holocaust cloak.
There we cannot help you.
Will this do?
- Where did you get that?
- At Miracle Max's.
It fit so nice,
he said I could keep it.
All right. Come on, help me up.
I'll need a sword eventually.
Why? You can't even lift one.
True, but that's hardly
common knowledge, is it?
Thank you.
There may be problems
once we're inside.
I'll say.
How do I find the count?
Once I do,
how do I find you again?
Once I find you again,
how do we escape?
Don't pester him.
He's had a hard day.
Right, right. Sorry.
- Inigo.
- What?
I hope we win.
You don't seem excited,
my little muffin.
Should I be?
Brides often are, I'm told.
I do not marry tonight.
My Westley will save me.
Marriage...
Marriage is what brings us
together... today.
Marriage...
that blessed arrangement...
that dream within a dream...
Stand your ground, men!
I am the Dread Pirate Roberts.
There will be no survivor!
- Now?
- Not yet.
My men are here.
I am here...
but soon you will not be here.
- Now?
- Light him.
The Dread Pirate Roberts...
takes no survivors.
All your worst nightmares...
are about to come true.
Then love...
true love...
will follow you...
forever.
The Dread Pirate Roberts...
is here for your souls!
Stay where you are!
Fight!
Stay where you are!
So treasure your love.
Skip to the end.
Have you the ring?
Here comes my Westley now.
Fezzik, the portcullis!
Your Westley is dead.
I killed him myself.
Then why is there fear
behind your eyes?
Give us the gate key.
I have no gate key.
Fezzik, tear his arms off.
You mean this gate key?
...and do you,
Princess Buttercup...
Man and wife!
Say man and wife!
Man and wife.
Escort the bride
to the honeymoon suite.
I'll be there shortly.
He didn't come.
Kill the dark one
and the giant...
but leave the third
for questioning.
My name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father.
Prepare to die.
I need you!
I can't leave him alone.
He's getting away from me,
Fezzik!
Please!
I'll be right back.
Thank you.
Strange wedding.
Yes... a very strange wedding.
Come along.
What was that for?
Because you've always been
so kind to me.
And I won't be seeing you
again...
since I'm killing myself once
we reach the honeymoon suite.
Won't that be nice?
She kissed me!
Sorry, Father.
I tried.
You must be
that little Spanish brat...
I taught a lesson to
all those years ago.
Simply incredible.
Have you been chasing me
your whole life...
only to fail now?
I think that's the worst thing
I've ever heard.
How marvelous.
There's a shortage of
perfect breasts in this world.
It would be a pity
to damage yours.
Oh, Westley, darling!
Westley, why won't you hold me?
Gently.
At a time like this...
that's all you can think to say,
gently?
Gently!
Good heavens,
are you still trying to win?
You've got an overdeveloped
sense of vengeance.
It's going to get you
into trouble someday.
My name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father.
Prepare to die.
My name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father.
Prepare to die.
Hello!
My name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father.
Prepare to die.
Stop saying that!
Hello!
My name is Inigo Montoya!
You killed my father!
Prepare to die!
Offer me money.
Power, too, promise me that.
All that I have and more,
please.
Offer me everything I ask for.
Anything you want.
I want my father back,
you son of a bitch!
Westley,
will you ever forgive me?
What hideous sin
have you committed lately?
I got married. I didn't want to.
It all happened so fast.
It never happened.
It never happened.
But it did. I was there.
This old man said man and wife.
Did you say I do?
We sort of skipped that part.
Then you're not married.
If you didn't say it,
you didn't do it.
Wouldn't you agree,
Your Highness?
A technicality
that will shortly be remedied.
But first things first.
To the death.
To the pain.
I don't think I'm quite familiar
with that phrase.
I'll explain...
and I'll use small words so that
you'll be sure to understand...
you warthog-faced buffoon.
That may be the first time
in my life...
a man has dared insult me.
It won't be the last.
To the pain means
the first thing you lose...
will be your feet
below the ankles...
then your hands at the wrists...
next your nose.
And then my tongue, I suppose.
I killed you
too quickly the last time...
a mistake I don't mean
to duplicate tonight.
I wasn't finished.
The next thing you lose will be
your left eye, then your right.
And then my ears. I understand!
Let's get on with it!
Wrong! Your ears you keep,
and I'll tell you why...
so every shriek of every child
at seeing your hideousness...
will be yours to cherish.
Every babe that weeps
at your approach...
every woman who cries out,
"God, what is that thing"...
will echo in your perfect ears.
That is what
"to the pain" means.
It means I leave you
in anguish...
wallowing
in freakish misery forever.
I think you're bluffing.
It's possible, pig!
I might be bluffing.
It's conceivable,
you miserable vomitous mass...
I'm only lying here because
I lack the strength to stand.
Then again...
perhaps I have the strength
after all.
Drop your sword.
Have a seat.
Tie him up.
Make it as tight as you like.
Where's Fezzik?
I thought he was with you.
In that case...
Help him.
Why does Westley need helping?
Because he has no strength.
I knew you were bluffing!
I knew he was bluffing.
- Shall I dispatch him for you?
- Thank you, but no.
Whatever happens to us...
I want him to live a long life,
alone with his cowardice.
Inigo, where are you?
There you are.
Inigo,
I saw the prince's stables...
and there they were,
four white horses.
And I thought,
there are four of us...
if we ever find the lady.
Hello, lady.
So I took them with me in case
we ever bumped into each other.
I guess we just did.
You did something right.
Don't worry.
I won't let it go to my head.
You know...
it's very strange.
I have been in the revenge
business so long...
now that it's over...
I don't know what to do
with the rest of my life.
Have you ever considered piracy?
You'd make a wonderful
Dread Pirate Roberts.
They rode to freedom.
And as dawn arose, Westley and
Buttercup knew they were safe.
A wave of love swept over them.
And as they reached
for each other...
What? What?
It's kissing again.
You don't want to hear that.
I don't mind so much.
Since the invention
of the kiss...
there have been five kisses...
that were rated
the most passionate...
the most pure.
This one left them all behind.
The end.
Now I think
you ought to go to sleep.
All right.
So long.
Grandpa...
maybe you could come over...
and read it again to me
tomorrow.
As you wish.