Private Benjamin (1980) Movie Script
When Judy Benjamin was 8, she told her
best friend her life's desire.
"All I want," Judy whispered,
"is a big house...
...nice clothes, a maid and a
professional man for a husband."
Today, all of Judy's dreams come true.
With this ring be thou consecrated
unto me as my wife.
According to the law of Moses
and faith of Israel.
According to the law of Moses
and faith of Israel.
And you, Judy,
say to Yale these words.
Take the ring.
This ring is a symbol
that you are my husband.
This ring is a symbol
that you are my husband.
And a sign of my love and devotion.
And a sign of my love and devotion.
In the presence of these witnesses...
...you spoke words
and performed the rites...
...which unite your lives.
I therefore declare you,
Yale and Judy...
...husband and wife.
Step on it.
Mazel tov!
PRIVATE BENJAMIN
But I only have eyes
For you
Judy Goodman
Do you have a date?
No, I told your Uncle Phil
I'd meet him to look at his lease.
- You're not going to work now?
- No, I'm not going to work.
He thinks he's getting evicted.
Let me just talk to him.
Okay?
- Thanks for marrying me.
- You're welcome.
Get me a Perrier with a twist?
- Arnie!
- So you did it, huh?
I can't believe you married Goodman...
...when you could've had me.
I could have lived with you, Arnie.
Big difference.
Judy!
Look who I found!
Mr. Waxman, the upholsterer.
I didn't recognize you
without nails in your mouth.
I brought a little something
I think you're going to love.
Mr. Waxman, you finished the ottoman!
Yale will be thrilled.
Wait a minute!
Is this mushroom piping?
Looks beige-y to me, Ma.
This isn't the right color, is it?
Ben...
...what happened to the mushroom?
That's as close as you're going
to get to mushroom in Philadelphia.
Mr. Waxman, we've been
through this a zillion times.
I told you I'm doing Yale's study
in mushroom.
I'm sure you could've found
a yard of mushroom fabric.
You want it, I'll get it.
This is your night!
Wheels?!
Mr. Waxman, I wanted upholstered balls.
Upholstered balls?
- Come on, Peanut.
- Where're we going?
- My feet hurt.
- Your feet will be fine.
I just want to talk to you.
What? Want a divorce already?
Darling, I have a very bad headache.
No wonder, you've danced all night.
I'll get some Tylenol from Mom.
Sweetheart...
...it's not a Tylenol headache.
- Honey!
- Please?
- Honey, not here!
- Please, why not? Come on!
Why? Because everybody
I know is ten feet away.
- They're having a good time. Please?
- No, I'll ruin my dress.
- Your dress is fine. Come on!
- Honey, please? I don't want to.
Kiss me first.
I love you so much.
Hi, Yale.
Judy's always been
a good girl. Always!
She made a mistake
with the first husband.
That's ancient history. The smartest
thing she ever did was to marry you.
That's nice, Teddy.
It's very important
for a father to know...
...his daughter's going to be
well taken care of. Don't laugh!
You'll know what I mean
when your daughter gets married.
Anyway, that's number one.
Number two!
We'll still have Sunday breakfasts?
- Of course, Daddy.
- Good.
You can get the whitefish
on your way over.
I want to give you two
a little something from mother and me...
...a little extra happiness.
I guess it's not
carpeting for the living room.
That's for the future, not
Lord and Taylor, you little jerk!
Teddy, you're amazing!
It's my pleasure.
Just use it in good health.
Thanks, Mom.
I'll show my mother,
she'll go crazy!
I can't believe it!
Jude, get me a cigarette.
Coming back inside, Daddy?
I just want to see the recap
of tonight's game.
Should I wait for you here?
Dad?
Get me a match, doll.
Jerry, if you call her you'll
screw it up. That's my job, all right?
No, to call her.
How long you married? Anything more
than 15 years, you lose the house.
It's not my rule,
that's just the way it is.
Keep the boat, it's a male item.
Prenups is the only way
to get around this and it's too late.
Give her the microwave,
it's a built-in!
It comes with the house.
What'll you do with one oven?
It's late now.
6:30 a.m. Monday...
...we'll play racquetball. We'll
figure it out then. Can you wait?
We'll be in Jamaica
6:30 Monday.
I'll be on my honeymoon Monday.
I'll call you from Jamaica.
I don't know, from the hotel.
No, you'll be halved at worst.
You're okay.
Prenups, babe!
- That'll never happen to us.
- I know.
- Did this bathroom turn out gorgeous?
- This ass is gorgeous.
Come here.
- What?
- Wait, honey.
Wait just one second.
- Lift your back leg.
- I don't have a back leg.
It's our wedding night. It's not
real romantic making love in the sink.
- It's romantic making love anywhere.
- I know. I love you.
- Let's go into the bedroom.
- We're going into the bedroom next.
Just here. Good, sweetie!
Honey, good!
You're on my hair,
get off my hair.
How's that?
- Oh, honey!
- What?
- Oh, sweetie!
- What?
I'm coming!
Why don't we go and get in bed?
Oh, God, full of compassion,
thou who dwellest on high.
Grant perfect rest unto
the soul of Yale Goodman...
...who has departed from this world.
Lord of mercy, bring him
into Thy presence...
...and let his soul be bound up
in the bond of eternal life.
Amen.
I can't try to console you...
...by saying there is
any justice in this world.
Just be thankful for the friendship...
...and tenderness you and Yale
had the opportunity to share.
My philosophy of life has gotten me
through some very rough times.
Let me share it with you.
Que ser ser.
I got it from the song.
Judith?
Just one thing.
If you can remember...
...what were Yale's last words?
"I'm coming."
I know you don't want to hear this...
...but you got to get
right back into circulation.
When you fall off the horse,
you got to climb right back on.
Aunt Kissy, please!
Could I be alone now?
I'm sorry.
She wants to be alone.
She wants to be alone.
She doesn't want to live in their place.
I can't blame her.
- Sell everything and buy her new.
- Buy her new? She'll live with us.
- What if she doesn't want to?
- She doesn't know what she wants.
And what's she going to do now?
Be my secretary again?
The girl's 29 years old
and trained to do nothing.
I'm 28.
Look what we got!
I've never not belonged to somebody.
Never.
My first boyfriend was
in nursery school. I was two...
...and he was three and since then...
...I've been pinned,
lavaliered, engaged...
...married twice.
The first time, I was twenty.
See, I've been in this room
eight days...
...and it's really the first eight days
I've ever been alone in my life.
If I'm not going to be married...
...I don't know what I'm
supposed to do with myself.
Did you happen to see
that movie Unmarried Woman?
Well, I didn't get it.
I would've been
Mrs. Alan Bates so fast...
...that guy wouldn't have
known what hit him.
The thing is, and then I'll shut up...
...I haven't done anything wrong.
And I feel like I'm being punished!
I thought I'd be
filling up my freezer...
...and be getting this new
pine sideboard that I ordered and...
Jessica, I do hate...
...to stop your free association,
but our switchboard's flooded.
So set your phone down
and turn your radio up, okay?
Hello, Night Owl,
you're on the air.
You lucked out. I read in
the Enquirer this morning...
...that marriage causes cancer.
Philadelphia Night Owl,
you're on the air.
About that Palestinian homeland.
In your Bible you'll see...
...that the Arabs had first dibs
on the West Bank.
Not tonight, Del, thanks.
Line 4, have you
got advice for Jessica?
Yes, I do. Hi, Jessica.
My name is Jim.
First let me say
how terribly sorry I am...
...about your misfortune.
And nobody knows better than you
that things can 't get much worse.
It's also pretty obvious that
you need guidance, security...
...good friends and a healthy dose
of self-confidence, Jessica.
What I'm saying is,
I think I can help you find a new life.
- Are you Jessica?
- Jim?
Yeah, hi.
Am I late or you early?
I'm just a few hours early.
Come on.
I should tell you,
my name is really Judy.
I just didn't want anybody I knew
to hear me on the radio.
- Macht nichts.
- What?
It means,
"It makes no difference" in German.
I was stationed over there
for 26 months.
UNITED STATES ARMY
RECRUITING STATION
What does that look like to you?
What? Club Med?
It's the Fort Ord Army
Base in Monterey, California.
Those look like condos.
And every soldier gets
his or her own private room.
What are these, yachts?
The Army is the best-kept secret
in the world, Judy.
Looks great, but you don't know me.
I'm not the Army type.
Forget that old brown boot
image of the Army.
It's the 80s Army, all the ladies love
it. All 89,000 of them.
Check out this list of jobs.
There's over 300 jobs, and only
a couple of them not offered to ladies.
Trained killers, stuff like that.
- How much do you earn per month now?
- Now?
Nothing.
Nothing?
Thanks.
What are you thinking?
I'm thinking about...
...my family...
...and my house...
...and all the gifts I have to return.
You shouldn't be saddled with a lot of
responsibilities and decisions now.
I'm prepared to offer you $458 a month,
train you in the job of your choice...
...pay for your food, your housing,
all your medical...
...and give you a 30-day paid vacation.
I'll tell you something...
...with your education and background...
...you could easily land an assignment
in Europe.
Europe?
I do need to get away.
I promise, you'll be in the best
physical shape you've ever been in.
It will be like 3 years at La Costa.
La Costa. That's good!
What if I hate it once I get there?
Quit.
It's a job, like anything else.
I...
State your full name.
Do solemnly swear or affirm...
...I will support and defend...
...the Constitution
of the United States...
...from all enemies,
foreign and domestic.
That I will bear true faith
and allegiance...
...to the same...
...and will obey the orders...
...of the President
of the United States...
...and the orders of
the officers over me...
...according to regulations.
All right.
My name is Sergeant L.C. Ross.
And I'll be your drill sergeant
for your 6 weeks basic training.
My job is to turn you
lovely ladies and gentlemen...
...into United States soldiers.
The first thing we'll do is put you
through your in-processing.
While you are waiting in line for your
processing, you will not, I repeat...
...you will not be flapping your lips.
You'll be filling out these forms.
I'm going to call out your names
and I want you to line up behind me.
Abbott.
Barnett.
Benjamin.
Benjamin!
- Sir.
- Fall in, Benjamin.
I'm Private Winter...
...but I think I can be of assistance
in locating Private Benjamin.
Sir.
- Are we at the fort?
- Yes we are.
Time to wake up now.
In a sec.
Get your ass up
and out on the company street!
I never!
Give me 10 pushups!
Knock them out!
You mind if I check into
my room first?
Assume the position and hit it!
Now!
Up! Down!
What is this, hell week?
No, Benjamin...
...this is the Army!
Excuse me, sir, is green
the only color these come in?
Close it up back there,
you meatheads. Go!
Pick it up! Pick it up!
Close it up!
Close up that field back there!
Come on, move it!
Where are the yachts?
- Excuse me, are you a reporter?
- Who, me?
No.
I joined up, but I'm not staying.
There's been a mistake.
I'll straighten it out
when the manager gets here.
Man on the floor! In front
of your cots at attention!
Barracks ready for inspection, Captain.
What's the matter, honey?
Are you a crybaby?
No, sir.
Ma'am!
I know how all you ladies
drool over this...
...this Fonzie character...
...but not in my outfit.
Burn it.
- Your name, soldier?
- Private Winter, ma'am.
Outstanding, Winter. Outstanding.
Ladies!
Examine Private Winter's locker.
Learn from it.
You keep this up and we'll talk
officer's candidate school.
Thank you, ma'am!
This brassiere isn't regulation, Ross.
And neither is this face.
And you look like a clown, soldier.
Clean up your act.
Gianelli's a 308, ma'am.
So it was the Army or jail?
After 6 weeks with me,
you're going to wish you chose Attica.
Don't push me, punk.
This is the most pathetic group
of trainees I have ever laid my eyes on.
My companies are the best-trained...
...the best-disciplined
soldiers on this base.
I hate to interrupt you,
but could I speak to you for a sec?
My Lord! Sergeant,
would you look at this!
I've seen it, ma'am.
What's your name, Princess?
Judy.
Judy Benjamin.
I think they sent me to the wrong...
...place.
You see, I did join the Army,
but I joined a different Army.
I joined the one with the condos
and the private rooms.
No, really! My recruiter,
Jim Ballard, told me that...
I don't care what your lousy recruiter
told you, Benjamin.
I'm telling you, there is no other Army.
Wait a minute.
I don't want to have to
go to your boss, okay?
To be truthful with you, I can't
sleep in a room with 20 strangers.
Oh, dear!
Look at this place.
The Army couldn't afford drapes?
I'll be up at the crack of dawn here.
And I have to tell you,
I am frankly a little shocked.
You're shocked?
Why?
This place is a sty.
Look at these stains.
God knows where this has been.
And have you seen the bathroom?
Do you think that
the latrine is unsanitary?
It's disgusting!
There are urinals in there.
That's because this is the Army...
...it's not a sorority house.
May I see your toothbrush?
Please?
Yale, how could you do this to me?
You could eat off that floor.
Why don't you.
Reveille! Let's go!
Everybody up!
Move it!
Everybody up! Everybody move!
Everybody, Benjamin!
You can't mean me.
I worked the night shift.
Go check out the bathroom,
it's fabulous.
Alpha Company...
...attention!
Bravo Company, attention!
At ease, gentlemen...
...and ladies.
I'm your post commander.
Colonel Clay Thornbush.
Welcome...
...to the Biloxi, Mississippi
Basic Training Center.
The backbone of the U.S. Army.
You have two company commanders
to lead you through basic.
Capt. Doreen Lewis,
a 5-year veteran...
...here at Fort Biloxi,
of Alpha Company.
And a newcomer to the family...
...Captain William Wooldridge,
Bravo Company.
Here, we turn out
the best-fed, best-trained...
...soldiers, but it doesn't come easy.
It does not happen overnight.
You must have the strength...
...the self-discipline,
and mental stamina necessary...
...to meet the standards
of the United States Army.
The next 6 weeks will be the test.
It'll be hell...
...but you'll be glad you did it.
Move it!
Left, right! Left!
I thought it would be
a few leg lifts, a little stretching...
...maybe a disco class, you know.
You're not real talkative,
are you, Soyer?
We run them out...
...and we march them back.
Then about twice a week,
I spring a surprise inspection on them.
That's good Army.
Keeps them on their toes.
- Got one more question.
- Shoot.
Are you busy Friday?
Look out, Gianelli!
I can't take anymore.
They've broken me.
- I'm quitting.
- Girl, you can't quit this Army.
I can. The recruiter told me
quit anytime I want.
Jesus, you still believe
your recruiter?
It's only for 3 years.
Company halt!
Move it, Benjamin!
I don't want to see you stop running
unless you collapse, faint or puke!
I have never looked
worse in my life!
Has anybody ever died from basic?
Excuse me.
I think you took my blanket.
This is my blanket.
You gave it to me.
- I don't think I did.
- Maybe you just forgot.
Maybe you got brain damage.
Okay, I gave it to you.
By mistake.
- I want it back, okay?
- Take it.
Where are you going?
Home.
We're going to have to
do this again real soon.
How about every Friday night?
I'm going to set you free, Doreen.
Captain Lewis, ma'am,
we've got trouble.
My hair!
Benjamin, you are not fit
to wear that uniform!
No shit!
What do you want from me?
I didn't ask her to punish everybody!
You think I like schlepping
in rain all day and night?
Just keep marching, Benjamin!
My name is Judy! J-U-D-Y...
...and I'd like somebody
to call me by my name.
Hey, Judy!
I took my life in my own hands.
I made a mistake.
I'm sorry. I'll never do it again!
I want to wear my sandals!
I want to go out to lunch.
I want to be normal again.
Would you please
just shut up, Benjamin!
God! Never in all my born days
met such a whiny...
...candy-ass as you!
I don't want to be in the Army!
But we do, okay?
We can't afford any more trouble
on account of you.
I thought you and I
could be friends, but you're...
- Forget it!
- What? I'm what?
You're the most
insensitive person I've ever met.
That is so untrue!
I never go to someone's
home empty-handed!
People love me!
Platoon, halt!
Fall out!
To the day room...
...on the double!
They didn't tell me it was you.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Daddy.
Sit down, Judy.
I was...
...going to call, but I wasn't
feeling very good.
Eight days.
Our daughter disappears...
...for eight days without a single word.
We thought you were kidnapped.
The FBI was looking for you...
...when some stranger calls...
...telling us how fine you are
and that you'd enlisted in the Army.
We tried to figure out why.
Personally, I think you've gone
temporarily insane.
That's what we told everyone.
We said that you had a collapse...
...and that you were in a mental home.
People think I'm in a mental home?
What should we say?
That you're in an Army barracks
in Mississippi with a bunch of...
- What?
- I don't know what!
That's why I don't like it.
How could you do this to your parents?
Haven't we done enough for you?
Given you everything you wanted?
Did I get you a car on your sixteenth
birthday? Did I get you into college?
Did I bail you out of your first
marriage to that schmuck? Did I?
Relax.
I am relaxed!
Why are you punishing us?
Maybe you hate us.
I don't hate you,
I love you.
You know your Aunt Kissy
is living with us now.
Why?
Because you mother's had a
nervous breakdown, that's why!
You were never a smart girl.
We're all going to stop pretending now.
You are obviously incapable
of making your own decisions.
Starting tomorrow,
I do not let you out of my sight.
I don't care how much you cry.
The Benjamins!
Captain Lewis.
It is so good to meet you in person.
Thank you.
Captain Lewis said we could
take you home, darling.
I'm sorry that things just
didn't work out here for Judy.
She's a hard worker.
She's very... popular...
...with all the other girls.
We are sad to see her go.
If you sign here on the dotted line,
you're as good as home, young lady.
Right there.
Here, darling. Here you are.
Come on, take it.
No, thanks.
Think I'll stay.
Mom.
Daddy.
All right, knock it off!
Break it! Let's go!
Welcome to the Biloxi War Games,
the Super Bowl of Basic Training.
Simulated combat will test
your skills and courage.
Captain Wooldridge will lead
the red team. Captain Lewis...
...the blue team. I will be observing
the exercises from the air.
Good luck.
And fight proud!
Fight proud!
Thompson, Hike...
...Katz, Byron...
...Richter!
Your objective is to capture and blow
up Red Team's communication center.
Beware, mine-fields are out there.
Most of them are inert...
...but some are ert.
Take off!
Private Winter!
You'll serve as Captain Lewis'
aide-de-camp.
Sir. Yes, sir!
Team "C"!
Gianelli, Glass...
...Moe, Benjamin...
...Soyer!
Your objective is to
guard this area here.
Excuse me, Drill Sergeant,
what is that area?
That's the swamp.
Swamp?
Take off!
If you can't read that map,
why don't you just say it?
You're supposed
to be the point man!
Benj pointed me in the wrong direction!
- What am I, Magellan?
- What are we going to guard, algae?
Let's just go straight north.
- We came from the north!
- Let's go south.
Wait! Relax.
If we can't get back by tomorrow...
...they'll send a search plane.
We have enough bodies
to spell "help"?
Let's go.
The first time I ever did it...
...was on an overnight hike
with my Bible class.
We're talking Laemil Lefebvre,
my preacher's son.
I'd never done nothing
in my life before. Nothing!
And he just climbed right smack-dab...
...in the middle of my sleeping bag,
and I was scared.
Not to mention the fact
that his daddy, the preacher...
...was right over there,
just about ten feet away.
How was it?
Quiet...
...but very nice. Very nice!
I had an orgasm once.
But I was alone.
I guess you must have been alone.
Once...
...when I was with my first husband,
I got to this place...
...that was kind of nice and tingly.
I don't know if it was official.
I mean, I don't know
if this was an official...
...orgasm, you know.
But I counted it as one for five years.
How many times
have you been married?
Twice.
The first time for six weeks...
...and the second time...
...for six hours.
Six hours?
My husband had a heart attack and died.
What?!
My husband had a heart attack...
...and died on our wedding night.
While we were making love.
Holy shit!
Jesus, Benjamin!
I don't get it. What do you do
after a thing like that?
Join the Army.
We're lost. We've passed
that same alligator 7 times.
I bet the war games are over by now.
- Lewis is going to just kill us!
- There's a plane!
I bet that's headed back to base.
Let's follow it.
I hope it's not Delta to Miami.
Look, it's the Red Army headquarters.
Quiet!
Great.
- You owe me $6.95.
- You got it!
Hey, blood, how you doing?
All right, looking good!
- What's happening, girl?
- What can I tell you?
You're my prisoner of war,
that's what's happening!
- I ain't your nothing. Get that...
- I mean what I say!
Drop it!
No, you drop it.
I said, drop it!
- Where's Captain Wooldridge?
- In the tent interrogating a P.O.W.
Get the keys to the truck.
Come on.
- Oh, shit!
- Don't worry.
- I'll hot-wire it.
- You know how?
That's my former career.
Excellent!
What?
Freeze!
Private Winter!
Well, lookee here!
- Look what we got.
- Listen, Captain Lewis...
She sent me out to find you guys and...
...I got captured.
He promised me he'd put in
a good word with Captain Lewis.
And I really don't like him.
Take the prisoners.
Attention all Red Team personnel.
The Blue Team has surrendered.
The Red Team has won.
So follow us.
Attention all Red Team personnel.
The Blue Team has surrendered.
The Red Team has won, so follow us.
Red Team captured!
Ross, take the platoon...
...head due west.
I'll lead the remaining troops
to the east.
What now?
Got any ideas?
Off your asses!
On your feet!
Overwhelming enemy forces approaching.
Blue Team Company Commander
requests permission to surrender, sir.
Do you accept
surrender of Blue Team?
No, sir. We do not, because
we are also the Blue Team, sir.
Identify yourself, soldier!
Sir, Private Benjamin, sir!
At ease!
Which one of you is Private Benjamin?
Sir, I am, sir.
- Outstanding!
- Thank you, sir!
Here's the rest of the squad.
Privates Glass, Gianelli...
...Private Moe and Private Soyer, sir.
Where is the Red Team Commander?
Captain Lewis, you are lucky
to have troopers like this!
Congratulations!
Next time don't be so quick
to raise the white flag.
- Yes, sir.
- The war games are concluded.
Troops are dismissed.
I will see you tomorrow at graduation.
- Yes, sir!
- Can I offer your team a lift?
Meet two of our Thornbirds!
Lieutenant Gomez and Sergeant Gates.
Fabulous uniforms!
What's a Thornbird, sir?
An elite airborne corp. We recruit
them from the best bases in the country.
I'm damn proud of them,
like I'm proud of you girls.
It's a hell of a job you did today!
Where do you hail from?
Philadelphia, sir.
It's the seat of our democracy!
Thornie Two is from Philadelphia.
Thornie Two, sir?
My wife.
After 20 years watching us crazy guys
jump out of airplanes...
...she decided she wanted to try it.
Remember, Ed?
We took her up,
almost had to shove her out!
She had a good time,
but she landed wrong.
Broke her arm in 3 places. Lucky
we didn't have to shoot her, right?
We're approaching, sir.
I'll take her down.
You trust me, don't you?
Oh, yes, sir!
Then let's do it to it!
- Tell your men to hang on, Benjamin!
- Hang on, men.
Whoop-de-do!
Inspection, ladies!
Lady Luck!
Don't you look at me
with those baby blues.
I'm not the great Thornie.
You finally succeeded in making
a fool out of me, didn't you?
Ma'am. Yes, ma'am.
I've got a reward for you,
my little hero.
You're all going to scour
every inch of this rat's nest!
Inside and out.
I mean the bed frames,
the window ledges...
...the linoleum...
...the toilet seats.
You understand me?
Ma'am. Yes, ma'am.
I can't hear you.
I can't hear you!
Thank you.
It breaks my little old heart...
...to have to bust up
our winning team...
...but I have been assigned
to a new post.
A good post!
Let's not keep in touch, shall we!
Busted up, the whole team.
Busted up.
I have been assigned to a new post.
Come on.
Good post!
That was nice.
Keep in touch, shall we?
At ease!
Didn't think you'd make it, did you?
You will no longer
be known as trainees.
You have earned the right
to call yourselves...
...United States soldiers,
and I'm proud of each of you.
On Monday you will receive...
...your advanced individual
training assignments.
Each of you...
...will be given...
...a special responsibility
which will play...
...a key role in the
defense of the free world.
My heartfelt congratulations
and best wishes.
I almost forgot.
Dismissed till 0800 Monday morning.
Have a good one!
Evening, ladies.
We're not interested.
Sorry.
All right, I'm uptight, okay?
Get yourself a drink,
we're going to cruise.
Judy Benjamin, this is Johnny Rourke.
And Kim... I forget your last name.
Osaka.
Come on, sweetheart, let's go.
What's happening, Judy?
Bourbon, no ice.
I'm with Olivetti of Tokyo.
Johnny is my southeastern
U.S. Sales manager.
He always shows me a hip time.
What time is it?
I just took your picture, mama!
Very hip.
Look, I've got to go back to the base.
Where's the fire? Come on.
This could be a big night for you.
Sincerely.
Liz?
- How are you?
- God, I'm fine.
I can't believe this!
Listen, thanks,
but I don't need the loan.
What are you doing in New Orleans?
My dad's here on a medical
conference and we all came.
Come and see them, they'll die!
Wait a minute.
Who is that with your parents?
A French gynecologist. He and Dad
spoke on the Lamaze panel together.
- Isn't he totally gorgeous?
- Totally.
If it weren't for Jeffrey,
I'd go for him myself.
Look who I found!
My God, how are you, darling?
Kid, you look wonderful!
Please give me a hug.
Sit down.
- Henri Tremont.
- Benjamin, Judy.
Will you you look at this?
GI Judy!
We'll call your parents.
They'll be so thrilled we saw you.
Your mother's coming along very nicely.
She gained back some of the weight.
Champagne?
I'd love some, thank you.
Since Yale's fu...
By the way, I can't get over you
in this Army outfit.
She didn't swim because
she didn't want her hair wet.
This is true.
What it's like to be a WAC?
- I'm not a WAC.
- How often do you talk to your folks?
Tell Henri how long
we've known your parents.
Shall I make a long story short?
Leo and I and Judy's parents...
...double-dated in Atlantic City,
before even any one of us was married.
It wasn't Atlantic City.
It was Asbury Park, but it's all right.
I've never been to
Asbury Park in my life.
Would you like to dance?
I'd love to dance.
The Lemishes are terrific people...
...but 4 hours of making long stories
short was driving me crazy.
4 hours? Try 28 years.
I've never danced with a soldier before.
I've never danced as a soldier before.
- I kind of like it.
- So do I.
Do you have a boyfriend in this Army?
No.
Don't you get lonely?
- How'd you get to speak English so well?
- Baltimore.
- Maryland?
- I went to med school at Johns Hopkins.
I just can't believe
that you're in this Army.
If I knew you better,
I'd show you my dog tags.
How much better?
Let's go to my room.
I'm really attracted to you.
But I'm not ready to make love to a
man I just met an hour and a half ago.
I'm sorry.
That's just the way I am.
Usually, by the time I kiss a guy, I
already know his mother's maiden name.
I wish I knew you better.
I'm thirty-four...
...and I live alone in Neuilly,
on the outskirts of Paris.
I'm the only child...
...and my father is also a doctor.
What else?
When I'm not working I play soccer.
Let's see...
I'm Jewish.
Now I know what I've been
faking all these years.
That was your first?
And second.
Where are you going?
- Just to get a sip of champagne.
- I want to go with you.
I'm sorry.
No I'm not.
What?
Private Benjamin.
Meeting you tonight was...
It was just what I needed.
What you needed?
If you're ever in Paris...
If you're ever in Biloxi.
It was nice meeting you.
What did you get?
- MP School.
- You can put your violence to good use.
- Smoke and flame specialist.
- What's that?
A fireman.
I got transferred to
Fort Ord, California.
You got the yachts, honey!
You got the yachts!
- What?
- OCS.
Can you believe it?!
- Honey, you're going to be an officer.
- There goes a beautiful friendship.
What did you get?
I don't know. I'm petrified.
Excuse me!
- Where's Benjamin?
- Right there.
Thornbirds?
Me?
They don't have women Thornbirds.
They do now.
I was a skinny fighting lad
No more than seventeen
The sorriest excuse for a man
That you have ever seen
But now I am a Thornbird
And as proud as I can be
Colonel Thornbush
Made a man out of me
Glory, glory
I'll be falling through the sky
Glory, glory
I am not afraid to die
Glory, glory
I'm as proud as I can be
Colonel Thornbush
Made a man out of me
Good morning, sir.
I'd like you to meet my wife.
- Good to meet you, Mrs. Thornbush.
- Good to meet you, Miss Lady Thornbird.
- I've heard a lot about you.
- Thank you.
I guess this is the Thorndog.
Shake, Scrabble!
You must be nervous
about the big jump tomorrow.
The Colonel says I can do it.
I guess I can.
The Colonel's motto is,
"Life is a series...
...of challenges to be
met and mastered."
I hope you catch a cloud, Benjamin.
Not a feeling like it in the world.
You're in a veil of white,
not a sound except your beating heart.
It's godlike.
You must be very special.
The "Big T" is a
great judge of character.
Stop gabbing and let this soldier...
...get some chow.
Goodbye, sir.
I really appreciate
your confidence in me.
I'm not going to let you down.
See you at 13,000 feet, okay?
Oy vey!
Go with it!
Soar! You're a Thornbird!
Come on, Benjamin,
let's go! All right?
- You can do it! Trust me!
- I can't!
I'm ashamed, but I'm afraid to die.
- I'm afraid, Colonel. I'm not brave.
- Take it easy!
I can't. I'm afraid...
...my chute won't open.
- Calm down, Benjamin!
- What if I fall upside down?
- I could vomit in midair!
- Take it easy!
I tried to be macho, but those guys
are better at being men than I am!
Relax, Benjamin,
you don't have to jump!
- I don't?
- No!
Take it easy, girl! Shape up!
You better?
I feel better now.
You don't have to jump.
You're a good man.
There are other ways you can serve.
Happy, darling?
- You want it!
- What are you doing?
I can smell fear in any man
and passion in any woman!
You want it!
My God, this isn't happening to me!
I'm going to take you.
I'm not in the mood.
Suddenly I feel nauseous.
Come to papa.
I don't think so, sir,
but thanks anyway.
My God! Open, please!
At ease.
I'm glad you're back in one piece.
I apologize for yesterday's indiscretion.
An unforgivable breach of discipline.
And taste, sir.
I hope it hasn't soured you
on the military.
The question is how long
you'll continue as a Thornbird.
Hopefully not too long, sir.
Understood.
That's why I've put you on special
assignment, transferred to another post.
A special assignment
on the ground, I hope.
- A job in procurement.
- Procurement?
That's purchasing. I've cut
your orders, you leave at 1500.
Greenland?
What, penguins? Forget it!
Forget it!
I was in the first wave of the Rangers
at Normandy on D-day.
In 1952 I was standing with my troops
on the banks of the Yalu River, waiting.
MacArthur phoned.
"Come home, Thornie...
...it's not our year."
I am a good leader.
No, I am a great leader!
Your ass is going to
Greenland for a reason.
I won't let you shoot your mouth off,
blemishing my record with innuendo.
Innuendo? Try rape.
How about Guam?
My hair will frizz.
Okinawa?
Malaria? Pass.
We have bases all over the world.
Dear Glass, hello from Belgium.
Sorry it's taken me so long to write,
but I've been very busy.
S.H.A.P.E. Is an amazing place.
The top military headquarters
in Europe.
Definitely the most exciting duty
a soldier could pull.
My M. O. S. Is Purchasing Specialist...
...the one job I've
trained for all my life.
My superior is a terrific guy...
...a Turkish officer
named Lieutenant Rahmi.
But the best one can say of his English
is that it's better than my Turkish.
Benyameen, ka'.
Sate.
Benyameen, I need the inpoormation
on the drying caruses.
Driving courses?
Yes, sir. I'm working on that now.
Excellent. I want you
to rye-eed it to the counsule.
Me? Read it to the council?
Do want me to rye-eed it?
Private Benyameen... Benjamin!
I got a charming apartment
through an ad in Stars and Stripes.
It's right over a bakery,
has a hot plate, running water...
...and all the croissants I can eat.
It's not exactly Versailles,
but it's home.
For the first time in months, I feel
that things are really going my way.
I finally got the nerve
to pay Henri a surprise visit.
I'll let you know how it turns out.
I hope he remembers me.
My love to Moe and Gianelli.
Votre amie, Private B.
Let's see... just got into town.
And feeling kind of lonely.
No, don't say lonely.
Oh, God!
It's a great house, but don't be
impressed. It's a hand-me-down.
- Morning.
- Nine o'clock?
I haven't slept this late in 3 months.
- Where are you going?
- Sunday soccer.
Merde! I'm late.
I have to go anyway.
Don't be ridiculous, please!
Stay. I want you to be here when
I get back at three o'clock.
I'm going to make love to you,
and I'll take you to my favorite bistro.
And we'll listen to
some nice Italian jazz.
Max!
Hello, baby!
He's beautiful.
Sit!
The dog is deaf.
Wait for me, please.
I could get used to you.
I paid 8,000 francs for this rug.
I'm sorry. He gets nervous
around new people.
He's not the only one.
- I have to clean this up.
- You go play. I'll clean up.
No, I'll clean it.
Go play.
I adore you.
There are two bids we recommend:
Sergio Devoto's Driving Academy...
...which teaches evasive driving
to the chauffeurs...
...of such dignitaries as
General Alexander Haig...
...President Giscard d'Estaing,
Mick Jagger...
Excuse me, Private Benjamin...
...I'm afraid I missed
the security data on these drivers.
The security data was
unavailable to me, sir.
Who's here from security?
I am, sir.
That material is highly classified, sir.
I am certain this soldier
is not cleared for that level.
Then clear her, Captain.
Is there a problem?
No, sir.
Then we'll expect a revised report
by the next council session.
Gentlemen...
...chow time.
Good job.
Behave yourself, Judy Benjamin...
...or I'll drum your ass out of S.H.A.P.E.
So fast it'll make your head spin.
Sorry, Helga.
Who is your friend, Doreen?
She's no fwiend... friend.
Listen, the bags are packed.
My ex-girlfriend, Claire, painted it.
- What's it supposed to be, death?
- No, it's a self-portrait.
How long ago did you and this...
...painter break up?
- 14 weeks ago, Monday.
- You're still counting it in weeks?
How come you broke up?
Or is that too personal?
Claire is a brilliant woman.
I even joined the Communist Party
for her for a week.
Not romantic though,
much too independent.
Do you know a lot of tortured artists?
Only tortured lawyers.
Your first husband was a lawyer?
No, Rick was a tennis pro
at the El San Juan.
My therapist said that I had
a neurotic need to find a father figure.
And he had a neurotic need to find
a father-in-law who had a lot of money.
You know, I've been married to men
I haven't felt this comfortable with.
What's the story with you
and this Tremont character?
Why are you spying on me?
- Your lover-boy's a Red!
- Don't be ridiculous!
He was a Red for about five seconds.
Because of a woman he used to date.
Nobody stops being a Communist.
It's a terminal disease.
And I am not going to sit around
with my thumb up my ass...
...while you divulge
classified information...
...during the throes of passion.
Please! I can barely speak
during the throes of passion.
Believe me, Henri Tremont is
as much a Communist as me.
Or you!
If Patton were alive,
he would slap your face.
As you were.
Captain Lewis.
Private Benjamin has made herself
vulnerable to a Red, sir.
I read the report.
It's not true, sir.
We're not blind to the fact
that half of Europe is Communistic.
But here at S.H.A.P.E.
They're still the enemy.
General Foley, Henri Tremont...
...is not a Communist.
He's a gynecologist.
Captain Lewis is hung up
on a technicality.
I'm sorry, but it's against regulations
for you to associate with this man.
You're up for a promotion.
I'd hate to see this incident
jeopardize your career.
What are you trying to tell me, sir?
It's either him...
...or us.
- Can't you hear?
- Can't you move?
It's Judy.
Judy who?
Darling, how are you?
What?
She's getting married.
Monsieur Shiffman!
Thank God!
Listen, the tablecloths...
...they're terrible.
The color, la couleur, is all wrong.
The wedding is in yellow...
...and butterscotch.
And right now I'm looking at
something entre...
...canari et banane.
Gabby!
Pardon, Madame!
I get the Hoover.
Was she a good maid
before she met me?
Is it smart to fire the maid
just before the wedding?
Especially with your parents coming.
Okay, she stays until after the wedding.
You look very beautiful today.
So do you.
What did your friends say
when they called?
They're coming over on
Army Transport next week.
I can't wait to see them.
It's going to be so much fun.
And Glass is learning French!
Honey, who was that?
It was Claire.
Claire?
Get over this obsession with Claire.
You stood with your tongue hanging out.
I was surprised to see her.
Surprised?
I'd call it catatonic.
You don't see me getting hung up on your
old boyfriends and husbands.
Do you?
Listen to me.
Come here.
I love you.
We're getting married in a week.
I want to have a baby with you.
You do?
Oh, honey!
I'd love to have a baby.
I thought I was getting too old.
A baby!
- I want us to be together always.
- We will!
It's the reality of things sometimes...
...they don't always work out
exactly as they are planned, so...
What are you saying?
- I want you to sign this.
- What is it?
Contrat de mariage.
A letter of financial agreement.
God forbid something should happen
to us. It just helps us stay friends.
I want to be your wife, not your friend.
It's fair. I allocated for myself
what was mine before our marriage.
You cannot expect me to give you...
...half of a house that's been
in my family for centuries.
We don't need this kind of thing
between us. We'll make it.
I can't get married without it.
It's in French.
Please.
Private Benjamin?
Did I write that? I'm sorry.
I'll just cross it out.
Initial it.
Where shall we go tonight?
Regine's?
Took Henri's car to the shop.
Made Henri's hair appointment.
Took Max to the vet.
Picked up Henri's soccer uniform.
You've got to remember that
I used to be a very active person.
I was jumping out of airplanes...
...and at S.H.A.P.E. It was
like nonstop chaos.
You're not thinking about
opening a store?
No, you were right about that.
It would've been too much
of a hassle to do. It was a bad idea.
But there have to be other choices.
Do you know what I did today?
I rearranged my closet.
For three hours.
There's definitely something wrong
with that, isn't there?
- Am I making sense?
- No.
And that's what I love about you.
This is the color of hair
I was talking about.
I don't know. Maybe.
I love it.
Rita Hayworth, I swear to God!
- I wouldn't have recognized you.
- You look stunning!
Turn around, let me see the outfit.
Oh God, doll! Gorgeous!
It's an absolute vision.
Her hair is the worst!
To see you looking like your
old self again, you have no idea!
Who knows what we'd do
in her place.
The important thing is,
Judy's Judy again.
- Truthfully, you don't miss the Army?
- What's to miss? $400 a month?
The only good thing about it
was that what's-her-name.
Captain Lewis?
I hope her coat's good enough.
I had no idea it'd be so chilly.
- It's November here, Kissy.
- It's November everywhere, genius!
Sit!
I was talking to Max.
It's good to see you up.
Excuse me for interrupting.
Does this belong to anyone?
Because I'm positive it isn't mine.
Oui, Madame.
Where did you find it?
Where you left eet!
May I ask what you were doing
in my bed?!
I was not in your bed, madame.
I make your bed.
It must have fallen.
What are you doing?
I would like to know how
this item got into my bed.
This is too much!
Judy, give Gabrielle back the cross.
What should I think?
She's the world's worst maid!
Enough! Please!
What's gotten into you lately? It's like
I live with the kid from the Exorcist!
Two weeks ago I was like a god to you!
Now you show me no respect.
I respect you.
Accusing me of sleeping with Gabrielle!
You think I'm so low I'd seduce a child?
Do you?
Honey, I'm nervous.
I'm very nervous.
And I know that once we get married
everything is going to be fine.
I'm sorry.
I fly 6,000 miles to attend
my daughter's wedding...
...and the groom is playing soccer!
Daddy, he'll be here any minute.
He probably went into overtime.
Monsieur, my son is very reliable.
- He will be here shortly.
- It just isn't right!
Jean-Paul!
Where is Henri?
The bum never showed up
for the game. Isn't he here?
No.
He never showed up?
Judy, don't hate me
for saying this or nothing...
...but you really might be better-off.
Don't be ridiculous!
I don't know how to say this, but you
were starting to act a bit weird again.
What am I going to do?
I'm a wreck.
He's back!
You look perfect.
- Where were you?
- I'm fine.
No, where were you?
I was so scared.
- You don't want to know this.
- I do want to know.
I had to see Claire.
You were with Claire?
She is in so much trouble.
You've no idea what I've been through.
There are 75 people waiting for you.
Couldn't you have phoned?
- Don't bad French artists have phones?
- She was overwrought.
Her boyfriend beat her up.
I prescribed a sedative for her to sleep.
That takes 2 minutes,
you were gone 4 hours.
The place was a mess.
I hung up clothes and did dishes.
You did Claire's dishes?
Shall I stop being nice to people
because we're marrying?
I just don't understand
how you could be with Claire...
...today.
You want to walk down the aisle
with me or not?
Not so fast.
I know this is a very
awkward time to do this...
...but I want to break up.
She's crazy again.
Listen to me.
You're having an anxiety attack.
I'll give you a shot to calm down.
No, I want to be perfectly conscious
when I call a cab.
What are you doing to me?
What is this about? Gabrielle?
I slept with her one night
when you were acting crazy.
We'll fire her after the wedding.
You're such a schmuck!
Daddy...
...Mom just fainted.
Schmuck?!
When I met you,
you were in the Army.
You were nothing,
picking up strangers in bars!
- Now just a minute!
- She was.
I'll give you a future, a home, a name.
For once don't be stupid!
- There's Claire.
- Where?
Don't call me stupid.
GELULA & CO., INC.
best friend her life's desire.
"All I want," Judy whispered,
"is a big house...
...nice clothes, a maid and a
professional man for a husband."
Today, all of Judy's dreams come true.
With this ring be thou consecrated
unto me as my wife.
According to the law of Moses
and faith of Israel.
According to the law of Moses
and faith of Israel.
And you, Judy,
say to Yale these words.
Take the ring.
This ring is a symbol
that you are my husband.
This ring is a symbol
that you are my husband.
And a sign of my love and devotion.
And a sign of my love and devotion.
In the presence of these witnesses...
...you spoke words
and performed the rites...
...which unite your lives.
I therefore declare you,
Yale and Judy...
...husband and wife.
Step on it.
Mazel tov!
PRIVATE BENJAMIN
But I only have eyes
For you
Judy Goodman
Do you have a date?
No, I told your Uncle Phil
I'd meet him to look at his lease.
- You're not going to work now?
- No, I'm not going to work.
He thinks he's getting evicted.
Let me just talk to him.
Okay?
- Thanks for marrying me.
- You're welcome.
Get me a Perrier with a twist?
- Arnie!
- So you did it, huh?
I can't believe you married Goodman...
...when you could've had me.
I could have lived with you, Arnie.
Big difference.
Judy!
Look who I found!
Mr. Waxman, the upholsterer.
I didn't recognize you
without nails in your mouth.
I brought a little something
I think you're going to love.
Mr. Waxman, you finished the ottoman!
Yale will be thrilled.
Wait a minute!
Is this mushroom piping?
Looks beige-y to me, Ma.
This isn't the right color, is it?
Ben...
...what happened to the mushroom?
That's as close as you're going
to get to mushroom in Philadelphia.
Mr. Waxman, we've been
through this a zillion times.
I told you I'm doing Yale's study
in mushroom.
I'm sure you could've found
a yard of mushroom fabric.
You want it, I'll get it.
This is your night!
Wheels?!
Mr. Waxman, I wanted upholstered balls.
Upholstered balls?
- Come on, Peanut.
- Where're we going?
- My feet hurt.
- Your feet will be fine.
I just want to talk to you.
What? Want a divorce already?
Darling, I have a very bad headache.
No wonder, you've danced all night.
I'll get some Tylenol from Mom.
Sweetheart...
...it's not a Tylenol headache.
- Honey!
- Please?
- Honey, not here!
- Please, why not? Come on!
Why? Because everybody
I know is ten feet away.
- They're having a good time. Please?
- No, I'll ruin my dress.
- Your dress is fine. Come on!
- Honey, please? I don't want to.
Kiss me first.
I love you so much.
Hi, Yale.
Judy's always been
a good girl. Always!
She made a mistake
with the first husband.
That's ancient history. The smartest
thing she ever did was to marry you.
That's nice, Teddy.
It's very important
for a father to know...
...his daughter's going to be
well taken care of. Don't laugh!
You'll know what I mean
when your daughter gets married.
Anyway, that's number one.
Number two!
We'll still have Sunday breakfasts?
- Of course, Daddy.
- Good.
You can get the whitefish
on your way over.
I want to give you two
a little something from mother and me...
...a little extra happiness.
I guess it's not
carpeting for the living room.
That's for the future, not
Lord and Taylor, you little jerk!
Teddy, you're amazing!
It's my pleasure.
Just use it in good health.
Thanks, Mom.
I'll show my mother,
she'll go crazy!
I can't believe it!
Jude, get me a cigarette.
Coming back inside, Daddy?
I just want to see the recap
of tonight's game.
Should I wait for you here?
Dad?
Get me a match, doll.
Jerry, if you call her you'll
screw it up. That's my job, all right?
No, to call her.
How long you married? Anything more
than 15 years, you lose the house.
It's not my rule,
that's just the way it is.
Keep the boat, it's a male item.
Prenups is the only way
to get around this and it's too late.
Give her the microwave,
it's a built-in!
It comes with the house.
What'll you do with one oven?
It's late now.
6:30 a.m. Monday...
...we'll play racquetball. We'll
figure it out then. Can you wait?
We'll be in Jamaica
6:30 Monday.
I'll be on my honeymoon Monday.
I'll call you from Jamaica.
I don't know, from the hotel.
No, you'll be halved at worst.
You're okay.
Prenups, babe!
- That'll never happen to us.
- I know.
- Did this bathroom turn out gorgeous?
- This ass is gorgeous.
Come here.
- What?
- Wait, honey.
Wait just one second.
- Lift your back leg.
- I don't have a back leg.
It's our wedding night. It's not
real romantic making love in the sink.
- It's romantic making love anywhere.
- I know. I love you.
- Let's go into the bedroom.
- We're going into the bedroom next.
Just here. Good, sweetie!
Honey, good!
You're on my hair,
get off my hair.
How's that?
- Oh, honey!
- What?
- Oh, sweetie!
- What?
I'm coming!
Why don't we go and get in bed?
Oh, God, full of compassion,
thou who dwellest on high.
Grant perfect rest unto
the soul of Yale Goodman...
...who has departed from this world.
Lord of mercy, bring him
into Thy presence...
...and let his soul be bound up
in the bond of eternal life.
Amen.
I can't try to console you...
...by saying there is
any justice in this world.
Just be thankful for the friendship...
...and tenderness you and Yale
had the opportunity to share.
My philosophy of life has gotten me
through some very rough times.
Let me share it with you.
Que ser ser.
I got it from the song.
Judith?
Just one thing.
If you can remember...
...what were Yale's last words?
"I'm coming."
I know you don't want to hear this...
...but you got to get
right back into circulation.
When you fall off the horse,
you got to climb right back on.
Aunt Kissy, please!
Could I be alone now?
I'm sorry.
She wants to be alone.
She wants to be alone.
She doesn't want to live in their place.
I can't blame her.
- Sell everything and buy her new.
- Buy her new? She'll live with us.
- What if she doesn't want to?
- She doesn't know what she wants.
And what's she going to do now?
Be my secretary again?
The girl's 29 years old
and trained to do nothing.
I'm 28.
Look what we got!
I've never not belonged to somebody.
Never.
My first boyfriend was
in nursery school. I was two...
...and he was three and since then...
...I've been pinned,
lavaliered, engaged...
...married twice.
The first time, I was twenty.
See, I've been in this room
eight days...
...and it's really the first eight days
I've ever been alone in my life.
If I'm not going to be married...
...I don't know what I'm
supposed to do with myself.
Did you happen to see
that movie Unmarried Woman?
Well, I didn't get it.
I would've been
Mrs. Alan Bates so fast...
...that guy wouldn't have
known what hit him.
The thing is, and then I'll shut up...
...I haven't done anything wrong.
And I feel like I'm being punished!
I thought I'd be
filling up my freezer...
...and be getting this new
pine sideboard that I ordered and...
Jessica, I do hate...
...to stop your free association,
but our switchboard's flooded.
So set your phone down
and turn your radio up, okay?
Hello, Night Owl,
you're on the air.
You lucked out. I read in
the Enquirer this morning...
...that marriage causes cancer.
Philadelphia Night Owl,
you're on the air.
About that Palestinian homeland.
In your Bible you'll see...
...that the Arabs had first dibs
on the West Bank.
Not tonight, Del, thanks.
Line 4, have you
got advice for Jessica?
Yes, I do. Hi, Jessica.
My name is Jim.
First let me say
how terribly sorry I am...
...about your misfortune.
And nobody knows better than you
that things can 't get much worse.
It's also pretty obvious that
you need guidance, security...
...good friends and a healthy dose
of self-confidence, Jessica.
What I'm saying is,
I think I can help you find a new life.
- Are you Jessica?
- Jim?
Yeah, hi.
Am I late or you early?
I'm just a few hours early.
Come on.
I should tell you,
my name is really Judy.
I just didn't want anybody I knew
to hear me on the radio.
- Macht nichts.
- What?
It means,
"It makes no difference" in German.
I was stationed over there
for 26 months.
UNITED STATES ARMY
RECRUITING STATION
What does that look like to you?
What? Club Med?
It's the Fort Ord Army
Base in Monterey, California.
Those look like condos.
And every soldier gets
his or her own private room.
What are these, yachts?
The Army is the best-kept secret
in the world, Judy.
Looks great, but you don't know me.
I'm not the Army type.
Forget that old brown boot
image of the Army.
It's the 80s Army, all the ladies love
it. All 89,000 of them.
Check out this list of jobs.
There's over 300 jobs, and only
a couple of them not offered to ladies.
Trained killers, stuff like that.
- How much do you earn per month now?
- Now?
Nothing.
Nothing?
Thanks.
What are you thinking?
I'm thinking about...
...my family...
...and my house...
...and all the gifts I have to return.
You shouldn't be saddled with a lot of
responsibilities and decisions now.
I'm prepared to offer you $458 a month,
train you in the job of your choice...
...pay for your food, your housing,
all your medical...
...and give you a 30-day paid vacation.
I'll tell you something...
...with your education and background...
...you could easily land an assignment
in Europe.
Europe?
I do need to get away.
I promise, you'll be in the best
physical shape you've ever been in.
It will be like 3 years at La Costa.
La Costa. That's good!
What if I hate it once I get there?
Quit.
It's a job, like anything else.
I...
State your full name.
Do solemnly swear or affirm...
...I will support and defend...
...the Constitution
of the United States...
...from all enemies,
foreign and domestic.
That I will bear true faith
and allegiance...
...to the same...
...and will obey the orders...
...of the President
of the United States...
...and the orders of
the officers over me...
...according to regulations.
All right.
My name is Sergeant L.C. Ross.
And I'll be your drill sergeant
for your 6 weeks basic training.
My job is to turn you
lovely ladies and gentlemen...
...into United States soldiers.
The first thing we'll do is put you
through your in-processing.
While you are waiting in line for your
processing, you will not, I repeat...
...you will not be flapping your lips.
You'll be filling out these forms.
I'm going to call out your names
and I want you to line up behind me.
Abbott.
Barnett.
Benjamin.
Benjamin!
- Sir.
- Fall in, Benjamin.
I'm Private Winter...
...but I think I can be of assistance
in locating Private Benjamin.
Sir.
- Are we at the fort?
- Yes we are.
Time to wake up now.
In a sec.
Get your ass up
and out on the company street!
I never!
Give me 10 pushups!
Knock them out!
You mind if I check into
my room first?
Assume the position and hit it!
Now!
Up! Down!
What is this, hell week?
No, Benjamin...
...this is the Army!
Excuse me, sir, is green
the only color these come in?
Close it up back there,
you meatheads. Go!
Pick it up! Pick it up!
Close it up!
Close up that field back there!
Come on, move it!
Where are the yachts?
- Excuse me, are you a reporter?
- Who, me?
No.
I joined up, but I'm not staying.
There's been a mistake.
I'll straighten it out
when the manager gets here.
Man on the floor! In front
of your cots at attention!
Barracks ready for inspection, Captain.
What's the matter, honey?
Are you a crybaby?
No, sir.
Ma'am!
I know how all you ladies
drool over this...
...this Fonzie character...
...but not in my outfit.
Burn it.
- Your name, soldier?
- Private Winter, ma'am.
Outstanding, Winter. Outstanding.
Ladies!
Examine Private Winter's locker.
Learn from it.
You keep this up and we'll talk
officer's candidate school.
Thank you, ma'am!
This brassiere isn't regulation, Ross.
And neither is this face.
And you look like a clown, soldier.
Clean up your act.
Gianelli's a 308, ma'am.
So it was the Army or jail?
After 6 weeks with me,
you're going to wish you chose Attica.
Don't push me, punk.
This is the most pathetic group
of trainees I have ever laid my eyes on.
My companies are the best-trained...
...the best-disciplined
soldiers on this base.
I hate to interrupt you,
but could I speak to you for a sec?
My Lord! Sergeant,
would you look at this!
I've seen it, ma'am.
What's your name, Princess?
Judy.
Judy Benjamin.
I think they sent me to the wrong...
...place.
You see, I did join the Army,
but I joined a different Army.
I joined the one with the condos
and the private rooms.
No, really! My recruiter,
Jim Ballard, told me that...
I don't care what your lousy recruiter
told you, Benjamin.
I'm telling you, there is no other Army.
Wait a minute.
I don't want to have to
go to your boss, okay?
To be truthful with you, I can't
sleep in a room with 20 strangers.
Oh, dear!
Look at this place.
The Army couldn't afford drapes?
I'll be up at the crack of dawn here.
And I have to tell you,
I am frankly a little shocked.
You're shocked?
Why?
This place is a sty.
Look at these stains.
God knows where this has been.
And have you seen the bathroom?
Do you think that
the latrine is unsanitary?
It's disgusting!
There are urinals in there.
That's because this is the Army...
...it's not a sorority house.
May I see your toothbrush?
Please?
Yale, how could you do this to me?
You could eat off that floor.
Why don't you.
Reveille! Let's go!
Everybody up!
Move it!
Everybody up! Everybody move!
Everybody, Benjamin!
You can't mean me.
I worked the night shift.
Go check out the bathroom,
it's fabulous.
Alpha Company...
...attention!
Bravo Company, attention!
At ease, gentlemen...
...and ladies.
I'm your post commander.
Colonel Clay Thornbush.
Welcome...
...to the Biloxi, Mississippi
Basic Training Center.
The backbone of the U.S. Army.
You have two company commanders
to lead you through basic.
Capt. Doreen Lewis,
a 5-year veteran...
...here at Fort Biloxi,
of Alpha Company.
And a newcomer to the family...
...Captain William Wooldridge,
Bravo Company.
Here, we turn out
the best-fed, best-trained...
...soldiers, but it doesn't come easy.
It does not happen overnight.
You must have the strength...
...the self-discipline,
and mental stamina necessary...
...to meet the standards
of the United States Army.
The next 6 weeks will be the test.
It'll be hell...
...but you'll be glad you did it.
Move it!
Left, right! Left!
I thought it would be
a few leg lifts, a little stretching...
...maybe a disco class, you know.
You're not real talkative,
are you, Soyer?
We run them out...
...and we march them back.
Then about twice a week,
I spring a surprise inspection on them.
That's good Army.
Keeps them on their toes.
- Got one more question.
- Shoot.
Are you busy Friday?
Look out, Gianelli!
I can't take anymore.
They've broken me.
- I'm quitting.
- Girl, you can't quit this Army.
I can. The recruiter told me
quit anytime I want.
Jesus, you still believe
your recruiter?
It's only for 3 years.
Company halt!
Move it, Benjamin!
I don't want to see you stop running
unless you collapse, faint or puke!
I have never looked
worse in my life!
Has anybody ever died from basic?
Excuse me.
I think you took my blanket.
This is my blanket.
You gave it to me.
- I don't think I did.
- Maybe you just forgot.
Maybe you got brain damage.
Okay, I gave it to you.
By mistake.
- I want it back, okay?
- Take it.
Where are you going?
Home.
We're going to have to
do this again real soon.
How about every Friday night?
I'm going to set you free, Doreen.
Captain Lewis, ma'am,
we've got trouble.
My hair!
Benjamin, you are not fit
to wear that uniform!
No shit!
What do you want from me?
I didn't ask her to punish everybody!
You think I like schlepping
in rain all day and night?
Just keep marching, Benjamin!
My name is Judy! J-U-D-Y...
...and I'd like somebody
to call me by my name.
Hey, Judy!
I took my life in my own hands.
I made a mistake.
I'm sorry. I'll never do it again!
I want to wear my sandals!
I want to go out to lunch.
I want to be normal again.
Would you please
just shut up, Benjamin!
God! Never in all my born days
met such a whiny...
...candy-ass as you!
I don't want to be in the Army!
But we do, okay?
We can't afford any more trouble
on account of you.
I thought you and I
could be friends, but you're...
- Forget it!
- What? I'm what?
You're the most
insensitive person I've ever met.
That is so untrue!
I never go to someone's
home empty-handed!
People love me!
Platoon, halt!
Fall out!
To the day room...
...on the double!
They didn't tell me it was you.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Daddy.
Sit down, Judy.
I was...
...going to call, but I wasn't
feeling very good.
Eight days.
Our daughter disappears...
...for eight days without a single word.
We thought you were kidnapped.
The FBI was looking for you...
...when some stranger calls...
...telling us how fine you are
and that you'd enlisted in the Army.
We tried to figure out why.
Personally, I think you've gone
temporarily insane.
That's what we told everyone.
We said that you had a collapse...
...and that you were in a mental home.
People think I'm in a mental home?
What should we say?
That you're in an Army barracks
in Mississippi with a bunch of...
- What?
- I don't know what!
That's why I don't like it.
How could you do this to your parents?
Haven't we done enough for you?
Given you everything you wanted?
Did I get you a car on your sixteenth
birthday? Did I get you into college?
Did I bail you out of your first
marriage to that schmuck? Did I?
Relax.
I am relaxed!
Why are you punishing us?
Maybe you hate us.
I don't hate you,
I love you.
You know your Aunt Kissy
is living with us now.
Why?
Because you mother's had a
nervous breakdown, that's why!
You were never a smart girl.
We're all going to stop pretending now.
You are obviously incapable
of making your own decisions.
Starting tomorrow,
I do not let you out of my sight.
I don't care how much you cry.
The Benjamins!
Captain Lewis.
It is so good to meet you in person.
Thank you.
Captain Lewis said we could
take you home, darling.
I'm sorry that things just
didn't work out here for Judy.
She's a hard worker.
She's very... popular...
...with all the other girls.
We are sad to see her go.
If you sign here on the dotted line,
you're as good as home, young lady.
Right there.
Here, darling. Here you are.
Come on, take it.
No, thanks.
Think I'll stay.
Mom.
Daddy.
All right, knock it off!
Break it! Let's go!
Welcome to the Biloxi War Games,
the Super Bowl of Basic Training.
Simulated combat will test
your skills and courage.
Captain Wooldridge will lead
the red team. Captain Lewis...
...the blue team. I will be observing
the exercises from the air.
Good luck.
And fight proud!
Fight proud!
Thompson, Hike...
...Katz, Byron...
...Richter!
Your objective is to capture and blow
up Red Team's communication center.
Beware, mine-fields are out there.
Most of them are inert...
...but some are ert.
Take off!
Private Winter!
You'll serve as Captain Lewis'
aide-de-camp.
Sir. Yes, sir!
Team "C"!
Gianelli, Glass...
...Moe, Benjamin...
...Soyer!
Your objective is to
guard this area here.
Excuse me, Drill Sergeant,
what is that area?
That's the swamp.
Swamp?
Take off!
If you can't read that map,
why don't you just say it?
You're supposed
to be the point man!
Benj pointed me in the wrong direction!
- What am I, Magellan?
- What are we going to guard, algae?
Let's just go straight north.
- We came from the north!
- Let's go south.
Wait! Relax.
If we can't get back by tomorrow...
...they'll send a search plane.
We have enough bodies
to spell "help"?
Let's go.
The first time I ever did it...
...was on an overnight hike
with my Bible class.
We're talking Laemil Lefebvre,
my preacher's son.
I'd never done nothing
in my life before. Nothing!
And he just climbed right smack-dab...
...in the middle of my sleeping bag,
and I was scared.
Not to mention the fact
that his daddy, the preacher...
...was right over there,
just about ten feet away.
How was it?
Quiet...
...but very nice. Very nice!
I had an orgasm once.
But I was alone.
I guess you must have been alone.
Once...
...when I was with my first husband,
I got to this place...
...that was kind of nice and tingly.
I don't know if it was official.
I mean, I don't know
if this was an official...
...orgasm, you know.
But I counted it as one for five years.
How many times
have you been married?
Twice.
The first time for six weeks...
...and the second time...
...for six hours.
Six hours?
My husband had a heart attack and died.
What?!
My husband had a heart attack...
...and died on our wedding night.
While we were making love.
Holy shit!
Jesus, Benjamin!
I don't get it. What do you do
after a thing like that?
Join the Army.
We're lost. We've passed
that same alligator 7 times.
I bet the war games are over by now.
- Lewis is going to just kill us!
- There's a plane!
I bet that's headed back to base.
Let's follow it.
I hope it's not Delta to Miami.
Look, it's the Red Army headquarters.
Quiet!
Great.
- You owe me $6.95.
- You got it!
Hey, blood, how you doing?
All right, looking good!
- What's happening, girl?
- What can I tell you?
You're my prisoner of war,
that's what's happening!
- I ain't your nothing. Get that...
- I mean what I say!
Drop it!
No, you drop it.
I said, drop it!
- Where's Captain Wooldridge?
- In the tent interrogating a P.O.W.
Get the keys to the truck.
Come on.
- Oh, shit!
- Don't worry.
- I'll hot-wire it.
- You know how?
That's my former career.
Excellent!
What?
Freeze!
Private Winter!
Well, lookee here!
- Look what we got.
- Listen, Captain Lewis...
She sent me out to find you guys and...
...I got captured.
He promised me he'd put in
a good word with Captain Lewis.
And I really don't like him.
Take the prisoners.
Attention all Red Team personnel.
The Blue Team has surrendered.
The Red Team has won.
So follow us.
Attention all Red Team personnel.
The Blue Team has surrendered.
The Red Team has won, so follow us.
Red Team captured!
Ross, take the platoon...
...head due west.
I'll lead the remaining troops
to the east.
What now?
Got any ideas?
Off your asses!
On your feet!
Overwhelming enemy forces approaching.
Blue Team Company Commander
requests permission to surrender, sir.
Do you accept
surrender of Blue Team?
No, sir. We do not, because
we are also the Blue Team, sir.
Identify yourself, soldier!
Sir, Private Benjamin, sir!
At ease!
Which one of you is Private Benjamin?
Sir, I am, sir.
- Outstanding!
- Thank you, sir!
Here's the rest of the squad.
Privates Glass, Gianelli...
...Private Moe and Private Soyer, sir.
Where is the Red Team Commander?
Captain Lewis, you are lucky
to have troopers like this!
Congratulations!
Next time don't be so quick
to raise the white flag.
- Yes, sir.
- The war games are concluded.
Troops are dismissed.
I will see you tomorrow at graduation.
- Yes, sir!
- Can I offer your team a lift?
Meet two of our Thornbirds!
Lieutenant Gomez and Sergeant Gates.
Fabulous uniforms!
What's a Thornbird, sir?
An elite airborne corp. We recruit
them from the best bases in the country.
I'm damn proud of them,
like I'm proud of you girls.
It's a hell of a job you did today!
Where do you hail from?
Philadelphia, sir.
It's the seat of our democracy!
Thornie Two is from Philadelphia.
Thornie Two, sir?
My wife.
After 20 years watching us crazy guys
jump out of airplanes...
...she decided she wanted to try it.
Remember, Ed?
We took her up,
almost had to shove her out!
She had a good time,
but she landed wrong.
Broke her arm in 3 places. Lucky
we didn't have to shoot her, right?
We're approaching, sir.
I'll take her down.
You trust me, don't you?
Oh, yes, sir!
Then let's do it to it!
- Tell your men to hang on, Benjamin!
- Hang on, men.
Whoop-de-do!
Inspection, ladies!
Lady Luck!
Don't you look at me
with those baby blues.
I'm not the great Thornie.
You finally succeeded in making
a fool out of me, didn't you?
Ma'am. Yes, ma'am.
I've got a reward for you,
my little hero.
You're all going to scour
every inch of this rat's nest!
Inside and out.
I mean the bed frames,
the window ledges...
...the linoleum...
...the toilet seats.
You understand me?
Ma'am. Yes, ma'am.
I can't hear you.
I can't hear you!
Thank you.
It breaks my little old heart...
...to have to bust up
our winning team...
...but I have been assigned
to a new post.
A good post!
Let's not keep in touch, shall we!
Busted up, the whole team.
Busted up.
I have been assigned to a new post.
Come on.
Good post!
That was nice.
Keep in touch, shall we?
At ease!
Didn't think you'd make it, did you?
You will no longer
be known as trainees.
You have earned the right
to call yourselves...
...United States soldiers,
and I'm proud of each of you.
On Monday you will receive...
...your advanced individual
training assignments.
Each of you...
...will be given...
...a special responsibility
which will play...
...a key role in the
defense of the free world.
My heartfelt congratulations
and best wishes.
I almost forgot.
Dismissed till 0800 Monday morning.
Have a good one!
Evening, ladies.
We're not interested.
Sorry.
All right, I'm uptight, okay?
Get yourself a drink,
we're going to cruise.
Judy Benjamin, this is Johnny Rourke.
And Kim... I forget your last name.
Osaka.
Come on, sweetheart, let's go.
What's happening, Judy?
Bourbon, no ice.
I'm with Olivetti of Tokyo.
Johnny is my southeastern
U.S. Sales manager.
He always shows me a hip time.
What time is it?
I just took your picture, mama!
Very hip.
Look, I've got to go back to the base.
Where's the fire? Come on.
This could be a big night for you.
Sincerely.
Liz?
- How are you?
- God, I'm fine.
I can't believe this!
Listen, thanks,
but I don't need the loan.
What are you doing in New Orleans?
My dad's here on a medical
conference and we all came.
Come and see them, they'll die!
Wait a minute.
Who is that with your parents?
A French gynecologist. He and Dad
spoke on the Lamaze panel together.
- Isn't he totally gorgeous?
- Totally.
If it weren't for Jeffrey,
I'd go for him myself.
Look who I found!
My God, how are you, darling?
Kid, you look wonderful!
Please give me a hug.
Sit down.
- Henri Tremont.
- Benjamin, Judy.
Will you you look at this?
GI Judy!
We'll call your parents.
They'll be so thrilled we saw you.
Your mother's coming along very nicely.
She gained back some of the weight.
Champagne?
I'd love some, thank you.
Since Yale's fu...
By the way, I can't get over you
in this Army outfit.
She didn't swim because
she didn't want her hair wet.
This is true.
What it's like to be a WAC?
- I'm not a WAC.
- How often do you talk to your folks?
Tell Henri how long
we've known your parents.
Shall I make a long story short?
Leo and I and Judy's parents...
...double-dated in Atlantic City,
before even any one of us was married.
It wasn't Atlantic City.
It was Asbury Park, but it's all right.
I've never been to
Asbury Park in my life.
Would you like to dance?
I'd love to dance.
The Lemishes are terrific people...
...but 4 hours of making long stories
short was driving me crazy.
4 hours? Try 28 years.
I've never danced with a soldier before.
I've never danced as a soldier before.
- I kind of like it.
- So do I.
Do you have a boyfriend in this Army?
No.
Don't you get lonely?
- How'd you get to speak English so well?
- Baltimore.
- Maryland?
- I went to med school at Johns Hopkins.
I just can't believe
that you're in this Army.
If I knew you better,
I'd show you my dog tags.
How much better?
Let's go to my room.
I'm really attracted to you.
But I'm not ready to make love to a
man I just met an hour and a half ago.
I'm sorry.
That's just the way I am.
Usually, by the time I kiss a guy, I
already know his mother's maiden name.
I wish I knew you better.
I'm thirty-four...
...and I live alone in Neuilly,
on the outskirts of Paris.
I'm the only child...
...and my father is also a doctor.
What else?
When I'm not working I play soccer.
Let's see...
I'm Jewish.
Now I know what I've been
faking all these years.
That was your first?
And second.
Where are you going?
- Just to get a sip of champagne.
- I want to go with you.
I'm sorry.
No I'm not.
What?
Private Benjamin.
Meeting you tonight was...
It was just what I needed.
What you needed?
If you're ever in Paris...
If you're ever in Biloxi.
It was nice meeting you.
What did you get?
- MP School.
- You can put your violence to good use.
- Smoke and flame specialist.
- What's that?
A fireman.
I got transferred to
Fort Ord, California.
You got the yachts, honey!
You got the yachts!
- What?
- OCS.
Can you believe it?!
- Honey, you're going to be an officer.
- There goes a beautiful friendship.
What did you get?
I don't know. I'm petrified.
Excuse me!
- Where's Benjamin?
- Right there.
Thornbirds?
Me?
They don't have women Thornbirds.
They do now.
I was a skinny fighting lad
No more than seventeen
The sorriest excuse for a man
That you have ever seen
But now I am a Thornbird
And as proud as I can be
Colonel Thornbush
Made a man out of me
Glory, glory
I'll be falling through the sky
Glory, glory
I am not afraid to die
Glory, glory
I'm as proud as I can be
Colonel Thornbush
Made a man out of me
Good morning, sir.
I'd like you to meet my wife.
- Good to meet you, Mrs. Thornbush.
- Good to meet you, Miss Lady Thornbird.
- I've heard a lot about you.
- Thank you.
I guess this is the Thorndog.
Shake, Scrabble!
You must be nervous
about the big jump tomorrow.
The Colonel says I can do it.
I guess I can.
The Colonel's motto is,
"Life is a series...
...of challenges to be
met and mastered."
I hope you catch a cloud, Benjamin.
Not a feeling like it in the world.
You're in a veil of white,
not a sound except your beating heart.
It's godlike.
You must be very special.
The "Big T" is a
great judge of character.
Stop gabbing and let this soldier...
...get some chow.
Goodbye, sir.
I really appreciate
your confidence in me.
I'm not going to let you down.
See you at 13,000 feet, okay?
Oy vey!
Go with it!
Soar! You're a Thornbird!
Come on, Benjamin,
let's go! All right?
- You can do it! Trust me!
- I can't!
I'm ashamed, but I'm afraid to die.
- I'm afraid, Colonel. I'm not brave.
- Take it easy!
I can't. I'm afraid...
...my chute won't open.
- Calm down, Benjamin!
- What if I fall upside down?
- I could vomit in midair!
- Take it easy!
I tried to be macho, but those guys
are better at being men than I am!
Relax, Benjamin,
you don't have to jump!
- I don't?
- No!
Take it easy, girl! Shape up!
You better?
I feel better now.
You don't have to jump.
You're a good man.
There are other ways you can serve.
Happy, darling?
- You want it!
- What are you doing?
I can smell fear in any man
and passion in any woman!
You want it!
My God, this isn't happening to me!
I'm going to take you.
I'm not in the mood.
Suddenly I feel nauseous.
Come to papa.
I don't think so, sir,
but thanks anyway.
My God! Open, please!
At ease.
I'm glad you're back in one piece.
I apologize for yesterday's indiscretion.
An unforgivable breach of discipline.
And taste, sir.
I hope it hasn't soured you
on the military.
The question is how long
you'll continue as a Thornbird.
Hopefully not too long, sir.
Understood.
That's why I've put you on special
assignment, transferred to another post.
A special assignment
on the ground, I hope.
- A job in procurement.
- Procurement?
That's purchasing. I've cut
your orders, you leave at 1500.
Greenland?
What, penguins? Forget it!
Forget it!
I was in the first wave of the Rangers
at Normandy on D-day.
In 1952 I was standing with my troops
on the banks of the Yalu River, waiting.
MacArthur phoned.
"Come home, Thornie...
...it's not our year."
I am a good leader.
No, I am a great leader!
Your ass is going to
Greenland for a reason.
I won't let you shoot your mouth off,
blemishing my record with innuendo.
Innuendo? Try rape.
How about Guam?
My hair will frizz.
Okinawa?
Malaria? Pass.
We have bases all over the world.
Dear Glass, hello from Belgium.
Sorry it's taken me so long to write,
but I've been very busy.
S.H.A.P.E. Is an amazing place.
The top military headquarters
in Europe.
Definitely the most exciting duty
a soldier could pull.
My M. O. S. Is Purchasing Specialist...
...the one job I've
trained for all my life.
My superior is a terrific guy...
...a Turkish officer
named Lieutenant Rahmi.
But the best one can say of his English
is that it's better than my Turkish.
Benyameen, ka'.
Sate.
Benyameen, I need the inpoormation
on the drying caruses.
Driving courses?
Yes, sir. I'm working on that now.
Excellent. I want you
to rye-eed it to the counsule.
Me? Read it to the council?
Do want me to rye-eed it?
Private Benyameen... Benjamin!
I got a charming apartment
through an ad in Stars and Stripes.
It's right over a bakery,
has a hot plate, running water...
...and all the croissants I can eat.
It's not exactly Versailles,
but it's home.
For the first time in months, I feel
that things are really going my way.
I finally got the nerve
to pay Henri a surprise visit.
I'll let you know how it turns out.
I hope he remembers me.
My love to Moe and Gianelli.
Votre amie, Private B.
Let's see... just got into town.
And feeling kind of lonely.
No, don't say lonely.
Oh, God!
It's a great house, but don't be
impressed. It's a hand-me-down.
- Morning.
- Nine o'clock?
I haven't slept this late in 3 months.
- Where are you going?
- Sunday soccer.
Merde! I'm late.
I have to go anyway.
Don't be ridiculous, please!
Stay. I want you to be here when
I get back at three o'clock.
I'm going to make love to you,
and I'll take you to my favorite bistro.
And we'll listen to
some nice Italian jazz.
Max!
Hello, baby!
He's beautiful.
Sit!
The dog is deaf.
Wait for me, please.
I could get used to you.
I paid 8,000 francs for this rug.
I'm sorry. He gets nervous
around new people.
He's not the only one.
- I have to clean this up.
- You go play. I'll clean up.
No, I'll clean it.
Go play.
I adore you.
There are two bids we recommend:
Sergio Devoto's Driving Academy...
...which teaches evasive driving
to the chauffeurs...
...of such dignitaries as
General Alexander Haig...
...President Giscard d'Estaing,
Mick Jagger...
Excuse me, Private Benjamin...
...I'm afraid I missed
the security data on these drivers.
The security data was
unavailable to me, sir.
Who's here from security?
I am, sir.
That material is highly classified, sir.
I am certain this soldier
is not cleared for that level.
Then clear her, Captain.
Is there a problem?
No, sir.
Then we'll expect a revised report
by the next council session.
Gentlemen...
...chow time.
Good job.
Behave yourself, Judy Benjamin...
...or I'll drum your ass out of S.H.A.P.E.
So fast it'll make your head spin.
Sorry, Helga.
Who is your friend, Doreen?
She's no fwiend... friend.
Listen, the bags are packed.
My ex-girlfriend, Claire, painted it.
- What's it supposed to be, death?
- No, it's a self-portrait.
How long ago did you and this...
...painter break up?
- 14 weeks ago, Monday.
- You're still counting it in weeks?
How come you broke up?
Or is that too personal?
Claire is a brilliant woman.
I even joined the Communist Party
for her for a week.
Not romantic though,
much too independent.
Do you know a lot of tortured artists?
Only tortured lawyers.
Your first husband was a lawyer?
No, Rick was a tennis pro
at the El San Juan.
My therapist said that I had
a neurotic need to find a father figure.
And he had a neurotic need to find
a father-in-law who had a lot of money.
You know, I've been married to men
I haven't felt this comfortable with.
What's the story with you
and this Tremont character?
Why are you spying on me?
- Your lover-boy's a Red!
- Don't be ridiculous!
He was a Red for about five seconds.
Because of a woman he used to date.
Nobody stops being a Communist.
It's a terminal disease.
And I am not going to sit around
with my thumb up my ass...
...while you divulge
classified information...
...during the throes of passion.
Please! I can barely speak
during the throes of passion.
Believe me, Henri Tremont is
as much a Communist as me.
Or you!
If Patton were alive,
he would slap your face.
As you were.
Captain Lewis.
Private Benjamin has made herself
vulnerable to a Red, sir.
I read the report.
It's not true, sir.
We're not blind to the fact
that half of Europe is Communistic.
But here at S.H.A.P.E.
They're still the enemy.
General Foley, Henri Tremont...
...is not a Communist.
He's a gynecologist.
Captain Lewis is hung up
on a technicality.
I'm sorry, but it's against regulations
for you to associate with this man.
You're up for a promotion.
I'd hate to see this incident
jeopardize your career.
What are you trying to tell me, sir?
It's either him...
...or us.
- Can't you hear?
- Can't you move?
It's Judy.
Judy who?
Darling, how are you?
What?
She's getting married.
Monsieur Shiffman!
Thank God!
Listen, the tablecloths...
...they're terrible.
The color, la couleur, is all wrong.
The wedding is in yellow...
...and butterscotch.
And right now I'm looking at
something entre...
...canari et banane.
Gabby!
Pardon, Madame!
I get the Hoover.
Was she a good maid
before she met me?
Is it smart to fire the maid
just before the wedding?
Especially with your parents coming.
Okay, she stays until after the wedding.
You look very beautiful today.
So do you.
What did your friends say
when they called?
They're coming over on
Army Transport next week.
I can't wait to see them.
It's going to be so much fun.
And Glass is learning French!
Honey, who was that?
It was Claire.
Claire?
Get over this obsession with Claire.
You stood with your tongue hanging out.
I was surprised to see her.
Surprised?
I'd call it catatonic.
You don't see me getting hung up on your
old boyfriends and husbands.
Do you?
Listen to me.
Come here.
I love you.
We're getting married in a week.
I want to have a baby with you.
You do?
Oh, honey!
I'd love to have a baby.
I thought I was getting too old.
A baby!
- I want us to be together always.
- We will!
It's the reality of things sometimes...
...they don't always work out
exactly as they are planned, so...
What are you saying?
- I want you to sign this.
- What is it?
Contrat de mariage.
A letter of financial agreement.
God forbid something should happen
to us. It just helps us stay friends.
I want to be your wife, not your friend.
It's fair. I allocated for myself
what was mine before our marriage.
You cannot expect me to give you...
...half of a house that's been
in my family for centuries.
We don't need this kind of thing
between us. We'll make it.
I can't get married without it.
It's in French.
Please.
Private Benjamin?
Did I write that? I'm sorry.
I'll just cross it out.
Initial it.
Where shall we go tonight?
Regine's?
Took Henri's car to the shop.
Made Henri's hair appointment.
Took Max to the vet.
Picked up Henri's soccer uniform.
You've got to remember that
I used to be a very active person.
I was jumping out of airplanes...
...and at S.H.A.P.E. It was
like nonstop chaos.
You're not thinking about
opening a store?
No, you were right about that.
It would've been too much
of a hassle to do. It was a bad idea.
But there have to be other choices.
Do you know what I did today?
I rearranged my closet.
For three hours.
There's definitely something wrong
with that, isn't there?
- Am I making sense?
- No.
And that's what I love about you.
This is the color of hair
I was talking about.
I don't know. Maybe.
I love it.
Rita Hayworth, I swear to God!
- I wouldn't have recognized you.
- You look stunning!
Turn around, let me see the outfit.
Oh God, doll! Gorgeous!
It's an absolute vision.
Her hair is the worst!
To see you looking like your
old self again, you have no idea!
Who knows what we'd do
in her place.
The important thing is,
Judy's Judy again.
- Truthfully, you don't miss the Army?
- What's to miss? $400 a month?
The only good thing about it
was that what's-her-name.
Captain Lewis?
I hope her coat's good enough.
I had no idea it'd be so chilly.
- It's November here, Kissy.
- It's November everywhere, genius!
Sit!
I was talking to Max.
It's good to see you up.
Excuse me for interrupting.
Does this belong to anyone?
Because I'm positive it isn't mine.
Oui, Madame.
Where did you find it?
Where you left eet!
May I ask what you were doing
in my bed?!
I was not in your bed, madame.
I make your bed.
It must have fallen.
What are you doing?
I would like to know how
this item got into my bed.
This is too much!
Judy, give Gabrielle back the cross.
What should I think?
She's the world's worst maid!
Enough! Please!
What's gotten into you lately? It's like
I live with the kid from the Exorcist!
Two weeks ago I was like a god to you!
Now you show me no respect.
I respect you.
Accusing me of sleeping with Gabrielle!
You think I'm so low I'd seduce a child?
Do you?
Honey, I'm nervous.
I'm very nervous.
And I know that once we get married
everything is going to be fine.
I'm sorry.
I fly 6,000 miles to attend
my daughter's wedding...
...and the groom is playing soccer!
Daddy, he'll be here any minute.
He probably went into overtime.
Monsieur, my son is very reliable.
- He will be here shortly.
- It just isn't right!
Jean-Paul!
Where is Henri?
The bum never showed up
for the game. Isn't he here?
No.
He never showed up?
Judy, don't hate me
for saying this or nothing...
...but you really might be better-off.
Don't be ridiculous!
I don't know how to say this, but you
were starting to act a bit weird again.
What am I going to do?
I'm a wreck.
He's back!
You look perfect.
- Where were you?
- I'm fine.
No, where were you?
I was so scared.
- You don't want to know this.
- I do want to know.
I had to see Claire.
You were with Claire?
She is in so much trouble.
You've no idea what I've been through.
There are 75 people waiting for you.
Couldn't you have phoned?
- Don't bad French artists have phones?
- She was overwrought.
Her boyfriend beat her up.
I prescribed a sedative for her to sleep.
That takes 2 minutes,
you were gone 4 hours.
The place was a mess.
I hung up clothes and did dishes.
You did Claire's dishes?
Shall I stop being nice to people
because we're marrying?
I just don't understand
how you could be with Claire...
...today.
You want to walk down the aisle
with me or not?
Not so fast.
I know this is a very
awkward time to do this...
...but I want to break up.
She's crazy again.
Listen to me.
You're having an anxiety attack.
I'll give you a shot to calm down.
No, I want to be perfectly conscious
when I call a cab.
What are you doing to me?
What is this about? Gabrielle?
I slept with her one night
when you were acting crazy.
We'll fire her after the wedding.
You're such a schmuck!
Daddy...
...Mom just fainted.
Schmuck?!
When I met you,
you were in the Army.
You were nothing,
picking up strangers in bars!
- Now just a minute!
- She was.
I'll give you a future, a home, a name.
For once don't be stupid!
- There's Claire.
- Where?
Don't call me stupid.
GELULA & CO., INC.