Private Parts (1997) Movie Script

He was offensive.
He was obnoxious.
He was disgusting.
Do you want me to go on?
Once he wanted me
to approve a contest
where he would
give a new toilet
to the listener with
the largest bowel movement.
On the air.
I mean, you can imagine
the logistics of that.
Howard Stern:
You know, when I look back
on this moment in my life,
I really wanted it to work.
I wanted this to be
the biggest moment
in the history of entertainment.
I'm not kidding.
I wanted everyone
to wake up the next morning
talking about me,
Howard Stern.
That's the kind
of thinking, though,
that usually
gets me into trouble.
John Stamos:
I'm here to introduce
the next presenter.
Believe me, a lot of people
refused to introduce this guy,
but, uh...
Is this safe?
When you drop,
don't spin around
or the wires
get screwed up.
...Radio waves
high above America...
[Crowd Cheers]
It's a bird...
I'm making such a mistake.
It's a plane...
No, it's Fartman!
Behold, I am Fartman.
Behold, the greatest.
That is me.
The mightiest
of superheroes.
My ass has power!
Screw Superman.
I am Fartman.
Fartman rules.
And now, in an extraordinary
display of my powers,
I will show you
something so marvelous.
[Passes Gas]
The lovely
and talented Fartman,
ladies and gentlemen.
Howard: I got to tell you,
with all this carrying on,
I mean, the way
they were screaming,
at first I really thought
I'd won them over.
I thought I was the Beatles
on Ed Sullivan or something.
Oh, shock...
But did my fellow artists
the comedically ironic aspect
of my new superhero character?
No. They just thought
I was an idiot.
You know, most of these people
are Satan-worshipping junkies.
Hey, look, all I want
is for my artistic courage
to be an inspiration
to others.
Instead, I'm a joke.
Excuse me.
I didn't mean
to interrupt.
See, that's when I came
to a profound realization...
Everything I do
is misunderstood.
Everything I do
is misunderstood.
I mean, think about
what a burden that is.
What a thing
to go through life with.
All I'm trying to do
is be funny,
and I end up
feeling like an asshole.
What a fucking jerk.
Howard, it was a home run.
You think so?
And when you said,
"All of Hollywood
can kiss my ass,"
you had every
teenager in the country
eating out of your hand.
My guess is
we'll get coverage
from 200, maybe 300...
[Aria Plays]
here's your ticket.
OK? Now call me as soon as
you get to New York, will you?
Yo, Fartman.
Love you, man.
All right. So getting back
to what I was talking about...
More than anything, I'd like
the public to appreciate me.
No, forget that.
I want them to love me...
Not the myth, but the man.
The real Howard.
Let me demonstrate my point.
Thank you.
Now, take this woman,
for example.
She hates me.
She doesn't even know me,
but it's clear that she's
totally disgusted by me.
Down the aisle
on your right.
- Excuse me.
- Yes?
You don't possibly have
another seat available for me?
I'm sorry.
We're showing a full load.
Right here on your left.
Full load.
Sir, may I help you?
To your right.
Is this yours?
Yeah. If you want
to read it, you can.
Thank you.
Pfft, I've seen
this look before,
believe me.
It's the look
of misunderstanding.
She thinks I'm a moron.
In fact, all my life,
people have told me I was a moron.
You're a moron.
Now shut up and sit still.
You're a moron.
Now shut up and sit still.
So this is my dad Ben Stern.
He was an engineer
at a radio station in Manhattan... WHOM.
Why do we live in Roosevelt
when you work in New York?
Shut up.
[Radio Static]
We never played catch
or went to ball games.
The only sport
my father liked was yelling.
Nothing but crap.
[Changes Station]
[Reggae Music Plays]
- Is this one crap?
- Don't be a moron.
# Shut up your mouth,
That is your daddy #
# Oh, no #
# My daddy
can't be ugly so #
# Shut your mouth,
go away #
# Ooh, Mama
look-a boo boo day #
# Shut your mouth... #
My father
commuted every day,
I guess it was, about 40 miles
into Manhattan.
He'd leave at 7:00 in the morning,
get home around midnight or something.
I mean, I never saw the guy.
Come on. Come on.
Once a year, my old man
would break down
and take me
to work with him.
A little quality time.
I liked that.
A little bonding.
Dad and son together.
I looked forward to that.
[Elevator Dings]
Take my hand,
And remember, Howard,
I work here,
so keep your mouth shut.
# Never know
how much I love you... #
You spin and you spin
and you spin.
Who gives a damn?
I told you, shut up.
That man's
throwing records.
No, nobody gives
a goddamn about it.
None of it.
What the fuck is it?
Just fucking records!
It's just this fucking place.
None of it means anything.
It's empty...
Sid, you're on
in 15 seconds.
Get a grip on yourself!
Ah, what the hell
do you know, you bastard?
You mieskait!
You're gonna play the music
for the people? It doesn't...
Symphony Sid!
By the powers vested in me
by the Federal
Communications Commission,
I command you
to get on the microphone
in a serious manner
and continue this broadcast.
Deep, Calm Voice: This is
Sunday Blues And Jazz,
and I'm your host
Symphony Sid.
And now... something
for a blue Sunday.
Howard: From that moment on,
I wanted to be on the radio.
Show business
was definitely for me.
[Bouncy Puppet Music]
And for my 12th birthday,
my mother bought me
some puppets,
and pretty soon,
I was spreading joy
throughout the community.
# Biddi-bim-bom,
ay-yi-yi #
# Biddi-biddi-biddi #
# Biddi-biddi-biddi-biddi #
# Biddi-biddi-biddi... #
Howard, As The Woman:
Oh, baby, I want it. Give it to me.
More. More. Ohh!
Howard, As The Man:
You like that, huh?
Oh, yes, I love it, baby.
Give it to me.
Oh, baby, yes!
Right there. Ohh!
Oh, more! Harder!
You want it harder?
Oh, yes, harder.
Please give it to me, please.
Ohh! Aah! Aah!
But why can't I play
with my puppets?
Shut up! You know why.
You know,
life is very strange.
Nat King Cole:
# Pretend you're happy... #
Just about the time
my puppet career ended,
my whole neighborhood
underwent a demographic shift.
My parents said we're moving
because of those niggers.
They said pretty soon, Roosevelt's
going to be nothing but niggers.
Really? My parents
said we're moving
because of
all the Shvartzes.
Shvartzes are niggers,
They're the same thing.
[Tires Screech]
I don't want to hear any more
of this, you hear me?
I'm half negro,
and Howard's half negro.
And anything bad
you say about negroes,
you're saying about us,
you understand?
# And nothing's bad
as it may seem... #
Mom, we're half negro?
I can't believe
the stories he makes up.
I mean, I never made him
wear my underwear to school.
And... And as far as my taking
his rectal temperature
every day till he was 14...
He shouldn't make
such a big deal.
He still grew up to be
a very well-adjusted individual.
# Papa was
a rolling stone... #
Roosevelt High School...
A fully integrated
educational institution,
which of course meant
6,000 black guys and me.
And then I hit puberty.
That made things worse
because my penis
never got any bigger.
I mean, I was hung
like a 3-year-old.
Hey, seriously, these guys had
rhinoceros penises... huge.
You know, I've heard
black men complain
that they're
unfairly stereotyped.
Man, I'd love to have
a stereotype like that.
Now, because I had
such a minuscule schlonger,
I turned to drugs.
Unfortunately, the drugs
really made me paranoid.
Howard's Mother: Howard, I smell smoke.
Are you smoking in there?
There's no smoke
in here.
Howard, your father wants to
see you downstairs.
Howard, you're graduating
from high school this year.
You should be making some kind
of plan for your future.
You need a plan.
I want to be on the radio.
He wants to be on radio.
But to be on the radio,
you have to have a voice.
You have to have
some verbal ability.
You hardly ever say a word.
This all from a guy who's only told me
to shut up about 50,000 times.
I talk.
You really want to be
on the radio?
OK. If you want
a shot at radio,
the counseling center says
there's a communications program
at Boston University.
OK, I know
what you're saying.
You're saying I look
a little old to be in college.
Well, for this movie,
you gotta suspend disbelief.
Hey, Lisa.
Hi, how you doing?
I was wondering if you'd
like to go out Friday night.
With you?
No, thanks.
Hi. I was just
wondering if you...
Uh, no.
- Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Would you like to
go out Friday night?
No. I have a lot of reading
to catch up on,
but thank you.
So I masturbated a lot...
2-time-a-day habit.
I'm not proud of it,
but I did it.
Senior year...
Big year for me.
I finally
got up the courage
to go down
to the college radio station
and get myself on the air.
And my name
is Howard Stern
on the Howard Stern
and if you love music,
you'll love Deep Purple on TBU.
[Smoke On The Water Plays]
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
[Needle Scratches Record]
How do I forget it?
It's the single worst moment
in radio history.
It's not radio.
It's college radio.
nobody listening.
Nobody. Maybe, like,
3 guys in a dorm somewhere.
Oh, shit.
Oh, fuck.
I know someone on this block.
Let me think.
Come on.
We're getting wet.
Down here. Down here.
Down here.
[Knock On Door]
Hi, Elyse.
So, we were on our way to a rally
in support of feminism,
and we got caught
in the rain.
I'm wondering if we can come in
and just hang out for awhile.
come on in.
Howard: Can I use
your hair dryer?
Yeah, there's one at the end
of the hall. Hey, Rach.
Hi, Ellen.
This is Howard.
Oh, hi.
My hair's wet.
Put that there.
I'm just going to go
dry my hair.
Hey, I heard you
on the radio today.
You heard that?
Yeah. What happened?
I didn't think anybody
even listened to that.
Alison, this is Howard.
Howard, this is Alison.
one of my roommates.
[Love Is A Many
Splendored Thing Plays]
Hair dryer's
in the bathroom.
Hi. Hi.
Hi, I'm Howard.
Look at you, man.
You can get her.
You can get her.
She looks hot.
[Sniff Sniff Sniff]
How are you?
I'm making a film
for my film class,
and, I mean,
it's a legitimate film.
You won't... You're not gonna
be naked or anything.
You'll have your clothes on,
you know.
What's it about?
Well, I'm glad
you asked me that.
In my, um, psychology class,
we're studying B.F. Skinner,
and I started to realize that
what Skinner says is true...
We're all rats
trapped in a box,
all searching
for a piece of cheese.
And I'm going to shoot it
on Saturday.
I mean, I can't do it
I work with an outpatient program
for schizophrenics.
One of them actually
killed himself,
so I'm taking
the whole group to...
to the funeral
on Saturday, but...
You are really perfect.
L... All right.
What if I reschedule?
Beautiful. Beautiful.
I don't believe it.
Howard: Look, I refused
to leave the room
until she agreed
to be in my film.
I feel stupid.
Seriously, she was the most
enchanting woman I'd ever met.
I'm telling you, I am looking
for the face of an angel.
You have
the face of an angel.
[Ghostly Groaning]
Howard's Voice: Save me.
Save me.
He comes to me.
He comes to me.
Save me.
We give the award
for best student film
to... Mr. Howard Stern.
I'll tell you,
nothing makes a woman hotter
than to be with
an award-winning filmmaker.
This I know.
And at this point,
I knew I was gonna score.
I mean,
it was fait accompli.
I was in. This was it.
I'm a stud.
She was liquefied.
We did not have sex
on our first date,
he was very sexual.
Our sex life
has always been good.
I mean, Howard complains
that his penis is too small,
but his penis size is fine.
Howard exaggerates.
- OK.
- Now hold this and say...
Hi, I'm Camille,
and, uh, I'm in Westchester,
New York, and...
This is Howard's
first job interview.
And this is Howard's
first job interview.
Well, he's going to his first
job interview in New York.
- All right...
- [Shivering]
- One more thing.
- Yes?
Can you
take your top off?
- No.
- No, I'm serious.
I'm serious. That's what
they want you to do.
- No, they do not.
- Yeah, they do.
- No way.
- No, they do.
Howard did not
tell me...
Sweet Emotion Plays]
I'm Moti,
station manager.
- Howard Stern.
- You want to be a disc jockey?
Very much so.
I've wanted to be a disc jockey
since I was
7 years old.
What are you,
an idiot?
No, sir,
I'm not an idiot.
L... ln fact, I have a communications
degree from Boston University,
and I would work very hard
for this company
if given
the opportunity to...
You wanted
to see me?
You came late yesterday.
You came late today.
I don't need you. You're fired.
Fuck you.
Good. Fuck you.
You punk!
Fuck you 1,000%% %!
Fuck you
till your asshole
is perfect
donkey asshole!
In Foreign Language]
you start tomorrow.
10 a.m. To 2 p. M, eh?
Pay $96 a week and don't
bring me your problems.
I'm not psychiatrist.
Thank you very much.
I promise you
I will not disappoint you.
Thank you.
And I start
Wimpy Voice: Westchester 107,
WRNW 107.
Hi, this is Howard Stern,
and it's 75 degrees presently,
winds out of the northwest.
Chance of precipitation,
85%% % for tonight.
Looks like rain.
Tomorrow, partly sunny
at WRNW, Westchester 107.
[Black Sabbath's
Paranoid Plays]
I was sort of living
with Alison
while she worked on her Master's
of social work, which was really great.
I was also still living
with my parents...
Howard's Mother:
Which wasn't so great.
Yeah. Yeah, ma?
I smell smoke.
Are you smoking in there?
No, Ma.
There's no smoke in here.
Wimpy Voice:
107 FM, WRNW.
I'm Howard Stern
with you each and every day,
and I've got a great
two for Tuesday.
107 FM... The Ramones...
Gabba gabba wee,
Gabba gabba hey,
Gabba gabba gabba gabba...
[lncreases Volume]
Howard, you stink.
I don't mince words.
You will never be a great disc jockey.
You have lousy voice, lousy personality,
and this will not change.
OK? So on the air
is not for you.
But you come on time,
and you are good worker, huh?
how about I make you...
program director?
Program director?
Program... director.
You. You.
You run station.
You... sit.
You pick music.
No more $96 a week.
Eh. I pay you...
you, eh?
$250 a week.
You be management...
like me.
To be quite honest, I didn't really
want to be a programmer.
But at $250 a week,
I could marry Alison,
and we'd get
a real place together.
Oh, look at her.
I mean, this was a miracle.
Here's this beautiful girl,
I mean, a gorgeous woman,
willing to spend
the rest of her life with me.
I just couldn't
have been happier.
I was the happiest
program director in the world.
Yeah, me.
Program director.
I become the big boss.
Howard Stern,
executive manager.
I had no idea
what I was doing,
no clue what to do
with this job whatsoever,
but I did it, and everyone
bought into it.
They thought I knew what I was doing.
This was great.
Oh, hey, Moti.
Advertising is up.
Profit is up.
Oh, great.
As a disc jockey, you're...
you're shit... ha ha ha ha...
But you are a great programmer.
Here, payday.
Thanks, Moti.
Listen, I want you
to fire Dickie Davis.
But why?
None of your business.
The guy's got 3 kids.
You want to be management,
you fire him, huh?
It's good to fire someone. It gives
a good message to the others.
Just fire him, huh?
I don't want to fire him.
You fire him.
disc jockeys are dogs.
Your job is to make them
fetch, eh?
Now, if you want
to truly be management,
you be a man
and fire him.
Do it. Be a man.
Moti: Tell Dickie Davis
Howard wants to see him now.
How? Howard?
Don't look.
You OK?
Let me ask you something.
Would you still love me...
if I gave up
my programming job,
and I stayed on the air,
and I made a lot less money?
Yes. I mean, you know,
I'd have to leave you,
but I'd still love you.
Be serious.
If I make less money, we wouldn't
even be able to afford this apartment.
Well, we can't really
afford the apartment now,
so it doesn't quite matter,
I guess.
Do what you need to do.
Come on back here,
hold this sign...
right in front of you.
Come on back.
I want you to say
"Howard goes to Hartford
and becomes the wacky
morning man at WCCC."
[Enunciation Unclear]
Howard goes to Hartford at CCC.
"Howard goes to Hartford and becomes
the wacky morning man at WCCC."
Howard goes to Hartford
at W...
All right, all right,
that's not going to work.
Howard comes to Hartford
to become the wacky morning man
at WCCC.
Gary: Let's see
some muscles.
Gary: How about
some back muscles?
Was my voice too deep
doing that?
No. It's very feminine.
WCCC, FM 107 and AM 1290.
My name is Fred Norris,
and, uh...
stick around for
the new guy Howard Stern
And the Howard Stern
Oh. Oh, my God.
Oh, it's so...
I'm Howard Stern.
How you doing?
You're Fred.
I can't believe
how late I am.
Who would've thought?
I'm on the Berlin turnpike,
and I take a left-hand turn,
and I've rehearsed this 500 times,
getting here, and I somehow got lost.
I'm sweating.
I'm so hot.
I'm so tahitzed.
[Sighs] I'm hot.
I was planning
on being on time.
Whoo, man.
107 FM, AM 1290, WCCC.
Good morning.
My name is Howard Stern.
I'm the new morning man on CCC.
Sitting with me,
uh, Mr. Ringo...
Mr. Ringo Starr,
and he's here in the studio.
Hi, Ringo.
[Lmitates Ringo]
How you doin', me love?
I wish you'd play us a little
Wipeout this morning,
Wake everybody up.
Oh, yeah,
that was great, Ringo.
CCC, AM 1290, FM 107.
This is Cheap Trick.
[Cheap Trick Song Plays]
Ohh. Thank you.
Howard: Hartford ended up
being OK, you know.
I mean, Fred seemed
to really like me.
I mean, I think
he really liked me.
The guy's like wallpaper.
Who can get a read on him?
And Alison, well,
she got a job right away.
Now, if you wanted
to buy liver for dinner,
what would you do?
Go to the...
That's right.
And then what?
This afternoon...
Gray skies,
occasional showers,
and precipitation.
Highs near 75.
It's going to be
raining like cats...
[lmitating Cat
And Chicken]
And chickens,
I don't think so.
[Lmitating Dog]
And dogs.
WCCC also wants
to remind you
that our new sponsor
Stanley Sport,
um, is a great place
to go.
You know, I got to tell you something.
When I was a child,
I used to go to Stanley Sport
all the time.
I loved Stanley Sport.
My parents would take me through there,
and we just had a great time.
And we could walk out
with tons of stuff
even though my parents
didn't make a lot of money.
And, uh, "There's only
one Stanley Sports,
"and the grand opening
is this weekend.
Mark it on your calendar."
The grand opening
is this...
I just realized, uh... that makes
no sense what I just said.
I just told you I went there as a kid,
and now the grand opening...
Well, I just...
I think I was just caught in a lie.
Oh, boy. You know
what the truth is?
I'm a disc jockey
who makes $250 a week,
and I just want to do
the right thing here on the air.
I don't want to get fired,
so, uh, I guess I lied to you,
but, uh, I'll never let that
happen again. You know what I mean?
Oh, boy, do I feel stupid.
Seriously, I heard
the show today.
I think you're
really getting good.
What part did you
like in particular?
Was it the Chinese guy calling in
for the Doobie Brothers tickets?
You know when you did that ad,
when you were just being yourself?
That's what
you liked?
It was funny.
# Gonna use my arms,
gonna use my legs... #
Howard: Little by little,
our ratings
actually improved,
and before long,
I got to interview
my first real
semifamous celebrity,
"B" movie star
Brittany Fairchild.
While I'm
interviewing her,
she actually invites me
to go to a premiere
for her movie.
I remember
how embarrassing it was
because nobody
knew who I was.
I'm escorting
this woman around,
and none of these people
know who I am.
They just think she has
some ugly boyfriend, you know?
But who cared?
I mean, it was exciting.
Woman In Movie: Hello?
I'm here for the shoot.
Is anybody there?
Howard: Ohh.
My back hurts.
Would you mind taking me
back to my hotel room?
I know this director,
and he told me that
when he was little,
his mother
killed his sister,
but was never charged.
Come in.
Come in.
- It's nice.
- Sit down.
[Keys Jangle]
I'll be right back.
Hey, man.
Free drinks.
[Faucet Squeaks]
[Water Running]
What the hell
is she doing?
I think she's
running a bath.
Oh, my God, man,
she's taking her clothes off.
I guess she forgot
to close the door.
Well, she's
a Hollywood actress.
They have a lot
on their mind.
Oh, my God.
Oh, is she cute.
Brittany: Howard?
Could you come here
for a second?
Oh. Hi.
My shoulders tense up
when I travel.
Would you mind
rubbing them for a minute?
Works best when
I'm in a hot bath.
It helps
relax the muscles.
I don't know
if that's OK or not.
It really hurts.
Look, I don't know
that I can do this.
I'll tell you what,
I'll just kneel over here,
and I'll rub your shoulders
from back here.
No. Sit behind me
in the tub.
Oh, I can't do that.
Why not?
Well, for one thing,
my clothes are gonna get all wet.
Well, then I guess
you better take them off.
I got to tell you something.
You are gorgeous,
And... And you're a great actress
and everything,
but I got a wife at home.
I can't cheat on my wife.
Then leave
your underwear on.
If you leave your underwear on,
then you can't cheat.
It's just like
going swimming.
Howard: I don't know
what it was,
but she started
making a lot of sense.
I really
need your help.
My back
really hurts.
Fred: She's right.
Could you start
with my shoulders?
Can you come around
my sides?
I think I pulled a muscle
in my rib cage.
I know how to give
a man pleasure.
Ooh. Oh.
Oh. Oh, wow.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Stop that. Stop.
Oh, whoa.
Oh, man.
Wow. Thank you.
Oh, my.
Thanks. Thanks...
Thanks for everything.
Listen, the premiere
and everything.
Oh, my God.
I just...
I just got to go.
You know, it was a great
interview on the radio.
Thanks... Thanks...
Thank you.
I really got to go.
[Door Closes]
# I'll take you there #
# Oh, oh #
# Oh! #
# I'll take you there #
# Oh! Oh! Oh! #
# I'll take you there #
# Mercy now #
# I'll take you there #
# I'm callin',
callin' #
# Callin'
for mercy #
# I'll take you there #
# Mercy, mercy #
Hey. How was it?
So bad. So horrible.
I just had
the worst night of my life.
I mean, I can't even begin
to tell you how miserable I am.
It is so late.
I got to get to bed.
I mean, no one
realizes I got to be up
at 4:00 in the morning
in that radio station.
I can't believe
how late it is.
- Go up and get in...
- OK.
L... I just...
I just need to rest.
I need to get some sleep.
God, let me
get away with this,
and I swear I'll never stray
from Alison again. Never.
Howard On Radio: I just want
to thank someone this morning.
I want to thank
Brittany Fairchild
For having myself
and Fred
out to, uh, her new movie.
It was really good.
Fred, what'd you think
of the movie?
Fred: I was very moved.
I think a lot of us
were moved last night.
CCC, AM 1290, FM 107...
It's the fifth-largest market
in the United States,
and they want me
to start tomorrow,
which is a good sign,
I think.
That means they're,
you know,
they're really desperate
for me, which I like.
And they say they're gonna move the
building to the best part of the city,
which I think is good, too...
You know, pump money into the facility.
And the station manager
says we are gonna be
the most aggressive
radio station in Detroit.
We are gonna dominate
the marketplace, which I lo...
Are these yours?
They're wet.
Howard: Alison's not
coming to Detroit.
I should have
just come home
and told my wife everything,
admitted the truth,
'cause now my wife
doesn't even trust me anymore,
and I don't blame her because
I don't trust me, either.
I'm a stupid idiot.
I'm so stupid!
What am I gonna do?
I don't know.
I can always
count on you for help, man.
I appreciate it.
Listen, man, as soon as I get
to Detroit and things start happenin',
I'm gonna get these guys
to hire you, all right?
Fred, I'm serious.
I'm not gonna forget ya.
[Ted Nugent's
Cat Scratch Fever Plays]
# Cat scratch fever... #
How you doing, man?
How you doing, Marvin?
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you, too.
Hey, Patricia Fonfara,
meet Howard Stern. Your newslady.
Hi. I'm really looking forward
to working with you.
The Duke of rock's
just finishing up,
and then we're gonna
get right inside, so...
Hey, Marvin, what happened
to the new building?
I told you, we're gonna
build a new building.
First we got to build
an audience. Heh.
Hey, the Duke of rock's
gettin' ready to walk,
but I want you
to stick around,
because we got
a brand-new morning man...
looks like Big Bird
to me...
coming next
on W4106 FM.
What's happening, man?
Come on in, Big Bird.
How you doing, man?
Good to see ya.
How's things? What's that?
You're gonna do what?
Is that ri... Well, now,
how about that, kiddies?
He's gonna have Kermit the Frog
come in here and sing the Alphabet Song,
isn't that somethin'?
Coming up next
on the Big Bird show.
I got to go. See you
at midnight tonight.
This is the Duke of rock
If you can't be good,
be bad, baby.
Hi. How you doing?
Howard Stern.
Nice to see you.
Listened to your show
last night. It was great.
Lookin' forward
to working with you.
Don't hurt yourself,
OK, thanks.
Thank you.
[Door Closes]
Thank you.
What am I
thanking him for?
Howard: So let's review.
My life sucked,
Alison dumped me,
I didn't know if she'd
ever come back to me,
and now this dickwad
is calling me Big Bird.
106 FM, WWWW.
I don't know.
Something in me just snapped.
My name
is Howard Stern,
and welcome to
the new morning show.
And we have
a new feature for you.
This is, uh,
something special.
We have a traffic copter now
here at WWWW.
Let's go up to Mama Look-a boo boo day
in the traffic copter.
Mama, you there?
Hello? Mama? Uh.
[Helicopter Flying
Sound Effect]
[Doing Mama's Voice] Yes, hello.
This is Mama Look-a boo boo day,
the only black traffic reporter
in the Detroit area,
I'm proud to say.
Pleasure to make
your acquaintance this morning, Mama.
Tell me, uh, what's going on
in the traffic?
First, a political
statement, if I may.
Kill, Kill, Kill...
The White Man,
by Eugene
Mama Look-a boo boo day.
Eugene is my pen name 'cause
I wrote this while I was in the pen.
OK, here we go.
Kill, kill,
kill the white man.
Kill him
until he is dead.
Kill the white man.
Thank you.
[Jimi Hendrix's All Along
The Watchtower Plays]
Yeah, hi. Can I speak
to Alison Stern, please?
Her husband Howard.
It's Howard.
# There must be some
kind of way out of here #
# Said the joker
to the thief #
# There's
too much confusion #
# I can't get no relief #
# Businessmen, they'll #
# They'll drink my wine #
# Plowmen dig my earth... #
You talk too much.
And very important,
I want the time
and the temperature
4 times every 15 minutes,
not 3. 4.
My grandmother
died last night.
I spent all night with her
in the hospital.
She... She
had a car accident.
By the way, uh...
It's 6:45. Temperature
is, uh, 58 degrees.
# No reason
to get excited #
Anyway, her head
went through the windshield.
You know, it's funny,
but her last words...
# The thief,
he kindly spoke #
# There are many here
among us #
I want you back
so bad...
# Who feel that life
is but a joke #
# But you and I,
we've been through that #
# And this not our fate... #
Howard: I had, like,
no listeners,
and the couple of listeners
I did have
Would call in and tell me
how bad I sucked
on a regular basis.
Although, I did manage to convince
one of them to be my weather lady.
the weather girl.
are you there?
It's cold, real cold,
but your ass
is gonna be plenty hot
when I give you a good,
hard butt-whipping.
What do you think
about that?
Turns you on, doesn't it,
you little maggot?
Irene, thank you
for the weather forecast.
Shut up.
We hope to hear
from you tomorrow...
Give us some
more weather.
Bite me, you loser.
You shaved
your mustache.
Jeez. Alison.
It's great to see you.
Al, I miss you so much.
I'm feelin' so miserable
since you left.
I am just so uncomfortable
in this Detroit. I'm...
I'm willing to believe
you didn't sleep with that girl.
OK? And I understand
you're a somewhat abnormal person
with a somewhat abnormal job.
That I can accept.
I deal with abnormality
every single day.
I don't need everything
in my life to be normal.
And on the air,
you do what you do. That's your job.
But off the air,
for me to be in this marriage...
I need to know
I'm the only one.
And I'm not saying that
to pressure you.
I'm saying it because it's
just something I know about myself.
So... if you need more time
or whatever...
I don't need
any more time.
I am just so madly
in love with you.
I don't... I don't need
anyone else in my life.
I never wanted
anyone else in my life.
All I want is you.
I just want you
to forgive me.
Thanks for coming back.
Come on, you guys.
Right up here looks perfect.
Isn't Alison amazing?
She's in town,
like, 2 minutes,
and already she's got a job
working with a bunch of wackos.
Excuse me.
Mentally challenged.
Nice day, huh?
What can I do
to help here?
Well, I'm gonna
set up lunch...
And you can play frisbee
with the guys.
Start again.
Here we go.
Oh. I'm so sorry.
Listen, what you
got to do is,
you got to put
this hand up, OK?
And you got to try
and catch it, OK?
All right,
here we go.
Ready? Here we go.
I'm so sorry.
You know what
we're gonna do?
Just tell me that you're ready.
Are you ready?
Howard! Howard!
I was hoping
I'd find you here.
I have some
very exciting news!
Oh. Are you
all right?
Yeah. Yeah.
That was good.
You just got to wait
till somebody looks, OK?
Hoo. Uh, well, we decided that
Detroit has too many rock stations,
so starting tomorrow
we're starting a new format,
and it'll give us
a real great edge.
[Country Music Playing]
# Ooh ooh #
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
dee dee #
# Ooh doo #
# Doo-doop
doo-doo-doo #
# Doo doo ooh #
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
dee dee... #
Howdy, cowpokes.
Uh, I know I shouldn't be
interrupting in the middle of a song,
but I got to
tell you something.
I know a lot of you out there
really love this music,
but I just don't get it.
Explain it to me.
And maybe it's 'cause
I went to college,
and I never drove a truck
and had sex with
my daddy's sister, but...
I guess what I'm
trying to say is, I...
I don't think
I'm the man for this job.
So this is your old pal
Hopalong Howie saying I quit.
L... I think I quit.
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
dee dee #
# Ooh doo #
# Doo-doop
doo-doo-doo #
# Doo doo ooh #
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
dee dee #
# Oh #
# Dee dee dee #
[Door Closes]
What is it?
I feel like
such a loser.
It's not your fault.
It was a lame station.
Yeah, it was my fault.
You can't blame a radio station.
It's my screwup.
In what way?
In a way that I gotta
figure out what I'm gonna be.
I mean, I don't want to be
one of these disc jockeys
that runs around the country, you know,
looking for work all the time.
I don't want to end up like that.
It's so sad.
It's so apparent to me now
what I should be doing.
I should be talking
about my personal life.
I've got to get intimate.
And every time I feel like
I shouldn't say something,
maybe I should just say it,
just blurt it out, you know?
I just got to
let things fly.
I got to go all the way.
You didn't go
all the way before?
No. I mean...
No. A lot of times,
I'm just holding back.
Then I guess you should
go all the way.
Hold the sign
nice and low.
With a big smile...
Very sexy...
This is about Howard
coming to Washington.
What's going on here?
Um, we're
shooting a movie.
you got a permit?
Uh, no, we don't
have a permit,
but this is,
like, one line,
and we'll be done with them in a second
and we'll be out of your way.
You can't be there, then.
You're blocking the median.
Come on, you're
gonna have to move.
Um, this if for
the Howard Stern movie.
Wait a minute.
You said Howard Stern?
This is his movie.
Is Howard here?
No, he's not here today,
not in this scene,
but this is his movie.
Come on.
You got to move.
Tsk. Give us a break.
It'll take a second.
Just look right
at the camera,
and say, "Howard
comes to Washington."
Howard comes
to Washington.
Hey, let's go!
Come on!
Howard's, like,
a big fan of the cops.
He loves you guys.
We could have
been done by now.
Guess what.
You are done.
Howard: I was hired by
an FM rock station, DC 101,
and that's when I met
the other woman in my life.
Hi. I'm Robin Quivers,
your newswoman.
Oh. Oh, I'm really looking forward
to working with you.
It's great to meet you.
Same here.
Yeah, this is
gonna be great.
OK, I'm just gonna go over here
and work on my script.
We're almost set.
Ooh. [Clears Throat]
[Clearing Throat]
[Snort Snort]
[Sniff Sniff]
DC 101. Good morning.
This is Howard Stern.
Welcome to the show.
I have a confession
to make.
I did not get, uh,
laid last night.
In fact, I haven't gotten laid
in a really long time.
Now, give me a call
here at DC 101
if you have
the same kind of problem.
Having trouble
with your woman?
Give me a call.
I'll help you out.
Let me introduce,
over here to my right,
my beautiful new newswoman
Robin Quivers, who looks so beautiful,
I'm sure she doesn't have
any of these sexual problems.
But I must tell you,
my life is, um, very odd.
I get hornier
and hornier.
My wife, she comes home from work,
she goes to sleep.
The whole week goes by,
she never gets horny.
Robin, as a woman,
what is it?
Do women get horny?
Why is he talking
to his newsperson?
I'll have him stop.
What about you
specifically, though?
When is the last time
that you were with a man...
About a year.
You're serious?
- A year?
- Yeah.
A year,
ladies and gentlemen.
Someone more pathetic
than me.
This is good. This is good.
We're getting somewhere.
This is a good
Uh, you know,
I bought a book,
"How to Score with Babes,"
and listen
to what it says.
I think
it's rather revealing.
"When attempting
to score with a babe,
"make sure to wear
tight pants.
"If necessary, stuff
a semirigid, large object
"into your pants
to create the appearance
of having a large penis."
Women like large penis.
Did he say "penis"?
I know about this stuff.
I have no bulge in my crotch.
I have a small penis.
And I've never told
anyone this before...
And I don't think
you should start now.
Well, I've done it.
Now the cat's out of the bag.
But this guy
wrote a good book.
The author has slept
with over 16,000 women,
and, uh,
take it from him.
He says
wear tight pants.
If he slept
with 16,000 women,
he wouldn't have time
to put on pants.
That is true, too.
I didn't consider that.
Why don't you
give me a call at DC 101
if you want
to talk about this.
We'll be back
right after these words.
[Man Yelling]
You're a genius.
That was great.
That was interesting.
Didn't that feel good?
That was great.
You say
whatever you want.
You have carte blanche.
You and Robin must not talk
to each other on the air.
And don't sing along
with the music.
And you know
what else you could do?
I'd like you to memorize
the names of the local high schools.
And don't criticize
It's not good for ratings.
Now, if you'll excuse us, we'd like
to talk to Robin alone for a second.
Wait. I wanted...
You know what I want you
to do for me,
is to make up a grid
of all your comedy bits
and the corresponding
days of the week,
so that I'll know on which day
you'll be doing which bit.
I told you I work spontaneously.
I think that l...
don't encourage him.
He's better
when he's toned down.
We need you to be
a friend here, Robin.
I'll see
what I can do.
Appreciate it,
- OK.
- Thanks.
I think we should
separate them.
Orioles over the Red Sox
3-2 last night,
extending the Os'
winning streak to 7.
And finally,
today is Memorial Day.
Sunny skies and warm temperatures
for veterans marching in parades
across the metropolitan area.
Highs today in the 70s.
It's 58 degrees...
You know, Robin, let me
interrupt for a second.
I'm glad you brought up
Memorial Day.
I was in Vietnam.
I'd like to talk to you about it.
I had 11 kills
in Vietnam,
and I'm telling you,
I really should've had more.
Officially, I should've
had more kills.
Let me tell you
what I'm talking about.
I was in a gook village,
and I come upon a schoolhouse.
So I grab one of
my grenades off my belt,
and I throw it right
into the schoolhouse.
And I blow up
the whole damn thing.
So I'm out there
counting all the bodies.
You threw a grenade
into a school?
That's exactly
what I'm telling you.
I must've killed, like,
200 kids.
My dickhead lieutenant
comes up to me, and he says,
"Stern, those are little kids.
That counts as one person."
Howard, I was
in the military.
I was a captain in the Air Force.
What were you?
What was I?
Yeah, what were you?
- What were you again?
- I was a captain.
That's what I was.
I was a captain.
And what were you in?
I was in Vietnam.
Ohh! Army? Navy?
In the Army.
Did you have a division?
103rd what?
I was in the 103rd...
I don't know
what I was in, Robin,
But I'm saying I was
in the 103rd.
And the point
of this whole thing
is that I think a kill
is a kill is a kill,
and killing a kid should be
just as good as killing an adult.
Well, I suppose even if you're killing
children, they should count them.
I got some music
for you now at DC 101.
[Robin Chuckles]
Ha ha!
You're not even old enough
to have been in Vietnam.
I couldn't sit there
and not say something.
I knew they had told me
not to talk.
I knew I was going to get
in trouble if I did.
But he was really
onto something,
and I knew that there was
something going on there...
and I just went for it.
Well, this just came
from the FCC.
Did you say "testicles"
on the air?
Wait a second.
Screw the FCC.
We just lost Muffler Man.
Hold on. We have
a real problem here.
I'm just trying
to get ratings.
I am just trying
to run a radio station.
I understand that,
and I'm telling you
that the commercial sponsors
are there once you get the ratings.
There's a big problem.
They're gonna be
lining up 10 in a row.
You listen to me,
you stupid asshole.
Radio is a business, and
you just cost us $40,000.
Wait a second. If I do a lame show,
it's never gonna take off.
I'm calm.
I am perfectly calm.
D.C. Carpet canceled
because of him.
Well, I've reached
my limit.
I don't know about you,
but my back is against the wall.
Will everyone
just sit down?
I just want to say
one thing.
I really think this show's
starting to take off.
There's a buzz
on the street about it.
If we just give it a chance,
if we just take some time with it,
I think everything's
gonna be OK.
Don't push
your luck, Howard.
Robin Leach: The countdown to our "Live
Life Like a Millionaire Sweepstakes"
is getting closer.
We're going to
have winners take...
Hi, honey.
Robin Leach says we
should move to Antigua.
Oh, yeah?
Come on, hurry up.
Snap to it.
I'm ovulating.
I'm in the middle of
important show research.
Howard, seriously,
come on.
You know what?
You're getting baby fever here.
And you know, maybe
it's a little premature.
I'm about 3 days away from being fired,
the way I figure it.
And do you want
to know something?
You got to think about
the economics of this.
You're gonna be the best morning man
in the history of radio.
At any minute, you're
gonna be number one.
- Is that so?
- Yeah! Strip!
Let me tell you something.
Look at yourself.
You're completely on fire
about having a baby.
You don't understand.
I'm not a piece of meat.
I mean,
I have to be romanced.
Oh, yeah. Please.
Ooh, look at that bra.
Where did you get that?
You like this?
OK. That's it.
That's it!
I am making a baby!
It's baby time!
I'm ready to give you a baby.
Thank you.
Hold on.
OK. Now I'm hot.
Now I actually
want to have sex.
I didn't before
and now I do.
Announcer On TV:
Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous...
Robin, watch this.
What am I doing?
Uh, having a seizure?
No, that's not a seizure.
That's me dancing
because I'm happy
'cause I got laid last night.
- Oh!
- Yeah, I really did.
In fact,
it was not for lust.
It was 'cause I was
making a kid.
- Oh.
- In fact, my wife's eggs are very old.
They're very, you know,
she's getting older.
But my sperm
is like supersperm,
so I'm pretty sure everything
was delivered in one shot.
Oh, yeah.
Your sperm are fine.
My sperm are fantastic.
I'm fantastic.
I'm in a good mood.
Let's take some phone calls
and see what's doing
out there.
- OK.
- Hi, you're on the air.
Woman Caller: Hi,
is this Howard Stern?
This is Howard.
Oh, whoa.
Anyway, I was calling
because I have
a really big problem.
What's your problem?
Well, every morning
I lie in bed,
and the only thing
I can do is think of you.
Oh, really? Well, let's see if we
can't help you with your problem.
What do you look like?
Well, I've got blond hair,
and I've got blue eyes,
and my measurements
are about 38-24-34.
Some people tell me I look
a lot like Farrah Fawcett.
I can help you.
Robin, I can help this girl.
You know, we have the most
beautiful audience.
We certainly do. We're
very fortunate that way.
You know what we're gonna do
to solve your problem?
I'm gonna have sex with you
right now over the radio.
How are we gonna do that?
Very simple.
I've thought this through, Robin.
First of all, what kind of radio
are you listening to us on?
You have a transistor radio, or you
have one of those big sound systems?
Caller: I have
one of those big sound systems.
Good. OK.
Could you turn the treble
all the way down
and put the bass
all the way up?
OK. The treble's down,
and the bass is up.
Howard: Take your speaker...
You got a big speaker?
Caller: Yes, I do.
Lay it flat
on the floor.
And I want you to sort
of straddle the speaker.
- Howard!
- Caller: Do what?
A woman cannot be aroused
in that way.
Howard: No. This is really wrong, Robin.
You're absolutely wrong.
In fact, my father
was a radio engineer,
and he proved
this theory years ago.
You've got to believe.
Now, what I need you to do is put
your private area over the woofer.
Caller: I can't believe you're
really making me to do this.
Howard: Come on, do it.
Right up against it
so you can feel me.
I'm on.
Robin: Oh, I have
to ask her a question.
What kind of a woman are you
to have sex this way on the radio?
Don't answer that question.
Bad question.
You're gonna ruin
this woman's mood.
She might start
Are you ready
to have sex?
Caller, Giggling:
Oh, my God.
Ooh. It kinda tingles.
See? It tingles.
She likes it.
Yeah, sure.
Ohh! Oh...
[Howard Humming]
She's full of it.
[Caller Moans,
Howard Hums]
Ohh! Oh, God! Oh!
Listen to her.
She's going wild.
You got me moaning.
Oh, my goodness.
This is the best sex
I ever had.
Ooh! Standing ovation.
Thank you.
- Oh, boy.
- Thank you.
Robin: Take your bows.
A woman on the air
had an orgasm.
Have you lost your mind?
But you got to admit,
it was a funny bit.
The audience loved
that stuff.
We just lost Stereo City.
This is not Muffler Man.
This is Stereo fucking City.
Dee Dee, you know
there's gonna be other sponsors.
No, there's not, Howard, 'cause
your career is over. You're finished.
Come on!
How can you say that?
Dee Dee,
I don't believe it.
He's up.
He's up?
In the new ratings book,
he's up... 2 points.
I love you.
2 full points,
and Pizza Shack called.
They want to buy time
on the Stern show.
I go to Pizza Shack
all the time. Great.
This is a great time
to talk
about putting some money
into the show.
I know a guy,
he does voices, he does comedy.
Absolutely not.
This could be a fluke.
I guarantee you we'll go up 2 full
rating points if you hire this guy.
This guy
must be hot.
This guy is
total personality.
He's electric.
[Van Halen's
You Really Got Me Plays]
Hey, Rick.
How's tricks, buddy?
I've been coughing all day.
I feel like I'm about
to cough up a lung.
[Cough] Blecch!
Oh, no! It's Lucy!
# You got me so I can't
sleep at night #
# Girl,
you really got me now #
# You got me so I don't know
where I'm going #
Thank you very much.
# Yeah, you really
got me now #
# You got me so
I can't sleep at night #
# You really got me,
You really got me... #
Howard: Once the three of us
were together, everything felt right.
I mean, things really
started to take off.
I mean, things really
started to take off.
It was then that I made
a startling discovery.
She's a beautiful girl. You're telling
me this beautiful woman is a lesbian?
Howard: Lesbians
equal ratings.
Now let me say something.
I am the hero
of the lesbian community,
am I not, Robin?
I guess you are.
I absolutely am.
All right. Now,
let's get into it.
Julie, I want you to tell us
about your first lesbianic experience.
Tell me about the secret world
of lesbian sex.
Well, Howard, I was 18.
Oh, you were so young.
Right. And I was working
at a summer camp.
And I was lying
in my bunk,
and the camp director's wife
walked in.
Ooh, now, that's hot.
Uh, everyone was asleep,
and I'm lying
in my bunk,
and she sees me
looking at her.
Howard: And then
what happens?
She, like, signals
for me to go with her.
What are you sleeping in?
'Cause this is
what I picture.
Little cotton panties,
a tight little undershirt.
No. I'm wearing, like,
little baby-doll pajamas.
Oh, you tease.
So then she takes me
into this tent.
When you walk in, lesbians
all over the place, right?
I mean, a whole lesbian
sex festival, right?
[Julie Chuckles]
Oh, you know it, Howard.
Man: Howard?
Alison on line 3.
It is important.
Do you believe this, in the middle
of Lesbian Dating Game,
my wife calls in?
Maybe she wants to play.
Honey, you want to play?
You want a date with Julie?
Alison: Am I on the air?
Yes, honey, of course
you're on the air.
I told them I wanted
to talk to you off the air.
But, honey, you're in the middle of
interrupting a beautiful, sexy moment.
You've got to tell everyone. My audience
wants to know why you're interrupting.
Don't you want to know,
I think we deserve to.
Yes, honey... Uh-oh, Al?
I think she's gone.
Alison: No. I'm pregnant.
Alison: I'm pregnant.
Robin: Congratulations,
It's my supersperm. I knew
my supersperm would do it, Robin.
You're so blessed.
Julie says we're blessed,
and Julie would know
these things.
Alison: Well, I appreciate her support.
Can we talk privately now?
Absolutely, sweetheart.
Wait a minute. Does she
know what she's gonna have?
Is it gonna be a lesbian?
Oh, please, Robin!
You've gone too far.
No offense, Julie.
Please, I don't need this aggravation.
We're gonna take a break. We'll get back
to making out with the lesbians
right after these words.
- Hi.
- Alison: Hey.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe you made me
do that on the air.
It's so exciting.
Did you call your mother?
I called, I called.
I feel so different.
I know.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I'm flipping
out, too.
I'm somebody's
Oh, my God!
[Crowd Chants "Howard"]
Love him or hate him,
disc jockey Howard Stern
jumped to the top
of the ratings today,
making him number one
in greater Washington.
Howard On TV: I took a dump of a
radio station and returned it to glory.
Howard In Living Room:
I look like Hitler.
Howard, Narrating:
I was thrilled, totally overjoyed.
I mean, we were gonna have
our first child,
and 6 weeks later,
the new ratings came out.
We destroyed every other
station in the market.
My life was perfect.
I'm gonna grab
this guy's hat,
if they show it.
Howard On TV:
I'll tell you another thing...
Look, watch this.
You're gonna miss it.
Come here.
Howard On TV:
I am Officer Howie,
and there's a new law in town.
We're taking it over.
Alison: How!
I love you.
[Crowd Chants "Howard"]
Al, you OK?
I think
something's wrong.
Even if I'd put you
in the hospital
and I pumped you full
of every medication possible,
you still would've lost
the pregnancy.
Your body rejected
what was going on.
And that's so healthy.
It's such a good way to look at it.
And in a couple of months,
we're gonna try to have a baby again,
and everything's
gonna go great.
You're gonna be totally confident
that everything's going good
because you know your
body would reject it
if it wasn't going
right... you know?
I have to tell my parents.
Not really.
We don't have to tell your parents.
You know
what you could do?
I didn't want
to tell you this,
but I took a polaroid
of the toilet.
And we can just mail them
a picture of that,
and they can walk
around Florida, you know,
and say it was
our grandchild,
and your mother
will be so happy.
She just wants pictures
to show her friends.
- No.
- You know that.
She just wants to be like all
the other yentas who walk around.
You know, we could name the baby
and everything. Clumpy... Clumpy Stern.
She could walk around with your father
and little Clumpy pictures.
Chorus, On Tape:
# All the weather #
# Now here's God #
Your Holiness.
Howard As God:
Hello, Howard.
There you are.
I see your wife
had a miscarriage.
Aw, don't bring
that up, God.
Please, that's way
too personal.
You tried to have a baby,
and you failed.
Oh, man!
Now the baby is with me!
This is crazy.
Boy, what a loser you are.
Wow! He's getting awfully
personal this morning.
Hey, God, me and my wife
are trying to have another baby.
A real man would have done it
right the first time.
Oh, for God's sake.
- It'll be pleasant today. Rain tomorrow.
- [Baby Crying]
That's my kid up there.
This is God with the weather
on DC 101.
You're all wrong, God.
You're completely
out of line this morning.
I don't think we should be
talking about this.
I went to the doctor with my wife,
and it was an awful experience,
because the doctor walks out,
and there's the kid,
your beautiful child,
and he's no bigger than
the size of an aspirin.
Howie Jr., no bigger
than the size of an aspirin.
Robin: Was it a boy?
It was a boy, yes.
He had a little tiny penis.
And then you look at him,
and he's in the formaldehyde jar.
And I said to my wife,
"Honey, don't be upset
that Howard Jr.'s
in a formaldehyde jar.
We're gonna take him out of
this office, we'll bring him home,
and next week we'll bring him
to the zoo in a stroller."
Oh, please!
I don't want to talk
about it, Robin.
I really think
you need counseling.
I'm gonna play a record.
DC 101.
We got some great tunes
for you this morning,
and then Robin will analyze me
when we get back from this song.
Very sad music.
[Taps Plays]
Not that, Fred.
Play something else, please.
For God's sake.
DC 101. Here's
rock 'n' roll for you.
[Music Plays]
Hi. Al, you home?
Hi. How you feeling?
You OK?
How could you do that?
Do you think that was funny?
You think it's funny to make jokes
about our personal life like that?
You're an asshole!
What are you
talking about?
Alison, I love you.
What are you talking about?
Howard, not everything
is for your audience.
I need a life that is ours,
that belongs to us.
I'm on the air 5 hours a day.
I'm trying to come up with material.
I hate going out.
Too bad!
I said when we came here,
if I was gonna win on the radio,
I'd have to talk about everything.
I couldn't hold back.
- Howard...
- Come on, last night
we were laughing about this.
I just assumed
you thought it was funny.
It was funny for us
last night.
Privately, for us.
Alison, if I don't talk about
you and me on the air...
Shut up. Shut up.
The audience isn't
gonna be there.
Shut up! Shut up!
I won't make any money.
Shut up!
You disgust me!
I can't even look
at you, idiot!
It's hard, you know.
When he shares our most personal
details of our life together
with, you know,
millions of listeners, it's...
I wish that there were
more things that could be just ours.
But I think it's right that
I go crazy, you know?
You know, I think...
I don't know.
It's not simple.
Our entire Washington
radio audience has disappeared.
It seems the competition
has a disc jockey
that's caused a bit of a shift
in the listening patterns.
One disc jockey has wiped out
our entire audience?
Can we get him?
I've got such good news.
It's gonna blow your mind.
All right.
You go first.
OK. All right,
That's rude. You go first.
Go first.
OK. Listen to this.
I listen to radio.
I like show.
But don't make fun
of the Chinese people.
Make fun, not funny.
I didn't make fun
of the Chinese people, did I?
I bring egg rolls.
What is your news?
What is it?
It's unbelievable.
I got a job offer today
from WNBC in New York.
Afternoon drive, the most powerful
radio station in their chain,
$150,000 a year.
And they said
if I do really well,
they're gonna syndicate
my program all over the country.
This is it.
This is everything I want.
It's like...
It's the dream, the Big Apple.
I'm pregnant.
You're pregnant?
Come here.
Come here.
Just come here.
Come here.
My God.
So what's going on?
What's gonna happen?
Everything's good.
She's gonna
get naked?
Yeah, sure. Of course.
All right. Let's get her out.
Let's do it.
She'll get naked?
Yeah. That's why
we're here, man.
OK, honey.
Hi. How's it going?
- Oh, my God.
- This is Gary.
How you doing?
Good. I'm sorry. I know
I told you I'd do this,
but I've really
changed my mind.
I don't want to do it
OK. What's, uh, like,
what's the problem?
What are you
worried about?
I just changed my mind.
Husband: What do you mean?
You are doing it.
We didn't drive here
for you to change your mind.
No. It's just very
humiliating to me.
What's humiliating?
It's not that big a deal.
We've done it a lot
on the show.
I think Howard would appreciate it
if you would do it for us.
No. I changed my mind,
and I'm really sorry.
I know I told you that I'd do it,
but I don't want to.
I think it's
very humiliating.
Husband: Honey, this is not humiliating.
This is show business.
You got a great body.
Let everybody see it.
Yeah. You're beautiful.
You're my husband. Don't make me do
something I don't want to do.
I'm proud of you,
and I want you to do it.
That's why we drove here
from Jersey.
What the hell is
this donkey here for?
Nobody told me anything
about a donkey.
It's a show business
The donkey's not part
of the act.
It had nothing
to do with you.
You'll feel at ease
once we go do it.
It'll just
take 2 seconds.
Right now, I need to know,
are you doing it or not?
No, I'm not.
Honey, you are doing it.
I changed my mind. And you're
my husband. You should support me.
Howard goes to New York.
Thanks for nothing.
Gino, let the donkey go.
Come on, guys. Wrap it up.
They're not doing it.
[David Bowie's
Let's Dance Plays]
# Let's dance #
# Put on your red shoes #
# And dance the blues #
# Let's dance #
# To the song they're
playing on the radio... #
Reporter: What you're about
to hear is going to shock you
because it's vulgar
and obscene.
It's x-rated radio,
barnyard radio.
You mommies and daddies out there
who complained to the radio station,
I got something
to say to you.
Here. [Passes Gas]
Reporter: This is a story
with a twist.
While we were producing
this report,
Howard Stern was lured away from
Washington by a New York City station.
That station,
you guessed it, is WNBC...
[TV Clicks Off]
This person is coming here
to work at our flagship station?
Brad, you gave this
trash-talking bastard a 3-year deal
without even hearing him
on the air?
Yes, Roger.
He's on the FCC's
most-wanted list.
Roger, his rate...
Chuck, will you show
him the numbers.
Through the roof.
No, no. Don't bother.
You're fired,
all of you. Get out.
Get out!
You know,
unless he quits,
it's gonna cost half
a million dollars
to buy
Stern's contract out.
I reject that
on principle.
Uh, Mr. Erlick,
if I may?
Put me in charge
of the Stern show.
Let me ride herd on him,
and I'll mold that son of a bitch
into another Don Imus.
When I'm through
whipping him,
that boy will be asking
permission to wipe his ass.
You want to tame him?
either I'll tame him,
or I'll make him
so crazy...
he'll quit.
So either way,
we win.
I'll tell you,
these halls are, like,
you know, uh,
It's pretty wild.
Kenny. Howard Stern.
Hi. Hey,
How you doing?
Great to meet you.
Oh, it is such a pleasure
to meet you, Howard.
What can I say?
This is unbelievable, you know.
Kenny is the hottest
young programmer in New York City.
Howard, you gotta listen
to this man 'cause he's a genius.
Come on, now.
Ha ha ha ha.
Play nice.
Kenny: Thanks, man.
God bless.
Good seeing you.
I'll see you later.
He's terrific.
Oh, yeah,
he's been terrific.
Everyone's been so nice.
It's a good feeling.
Howard, how about
you have a seat?
Oh, Howard, Howard,
Howard, Howard, Howard.
[Both Chuckling]
Howard... the way
we work here at NBC...
is a more professional manner
than you're probably used to.
Now, see, I don't care about
what you did down in Washington,
'cause that's
chickenshit radio.
Here at NBC,
this is real radio.
And the first thing
you've gotta do
is say the call letters
properly, OK?
Now, I'm gonna teach you
how to say them, all right?
And you know,
I hope you can get them,
because, see, you don't
have a real good voice
like lmus or Captain Frank
or nothing,
so we're gonna
have to practice it.
you mean practice
in here now?
You're not going to get bashful
on me now, are you, Howard?
OK, you ready?
The way it's said
properly is...
This is key.
Come on.
No. No.
It's gotta be more
like this.
[Clears Throat]
Listen up.
[Voice Lilting]
You hear that?
Kinda lift,
that N BC.
Wider and kind of...
One more.
In my mind,
I'm hearing...
It sounds like I'm saying
exactly what you're saying.
No. Actually...
You've gotta
listen to Imus.
Imus does it
Tell you what. I'm gonna take you
down to lmus' office right now,
and you're gonna hear how he does it.
Come on, boy.
- You know, l...
- Come on.
I gotta tell you
something, Kenny.
I always saw myself sort of
something different than lmus.
That's why
you hired me.
You are original. You are original,
but... [Clears Throat]
You say a lot
of offensive things,
and occasionally
you are real funny,
but you've got to learn
to do what Imus does.
See, he doesn't actually
say the bad thing himself.
He says it
through a character.
Yeah, well,
I don't do character...
How about you go on
the air 3 A.M. This morning,
show us some characters.
Good. Now,
I'm gonna go in there
and just see how he's feeling.
You stay here. OK?
Mr. Imus?
Howard: Back then,
Don lmus was the number one
disc jockey in New York,
so I guess I was kind of
curious to meet him.
Imus: You are
interrupting me.
Kenny: I have, uh,
Howard Stern outside.
You have who outside?
The young man
from Washington that we...
You have Howard Stern
outside my fucking office?
How did Howard Stern
get outside my fucking office?
I brought him down...
Well, I'm not gonna meet
that stupid fuck. He's nothing.
Fuck off!
# 66 #
# 66 #
# WNBC #
Hello. I'm Robin Quivers,
and it's my great pleasure
to introduce you
to New York's
newest disc jockey.
Howard, Lisping:
Ooo-ey, that's me.
Hi. I'm Lance Eluxina
on W N BC.
I'm so excited
because I am New York's
first ever gay disc jockey.
And now I want to
introduce to you...
This is
so exciting...
I want to introduce
to you
someone so marvelous,
so wonderful to me,
someone who
has supported me,
is my life mate,
my soul mate, my love mate.
He's everything and anything
to me, Mr. Blackswell.
Willkommen. Bienvenue.
Welcome. Oh, Robin, it's so lovely
to see you here today.
Hi, Mr. Engineer. Hi.
Mmm. Give me
a kiss. Mmm!
You two are just
adorable together,
and it's a wonderful thing
to have you here,
but I understand there's
already been a problem?
Yes. You know
about this?
I was in the program
director's office.
His name
is Pig Vomit.
Yes, because he
looks like a pig,
and he makes you
want to vomit.
He's Pig Vomit.
Anyway, Pig Vomit
says to me,
"This is not WNBC.
It is W N BC,
W N BC,"
and I was not saying
the call letters right.
It's a big problem,
so in order
to rectify this,
I brought in a cup
of Blackswell's semen.
I squoze it myself.
I hope it's
not too tangy.
And what are you
gonna do with it?
I'm gonna gargle
with this
and say the call letters over
and over again until I get it right.
You think
that'll work?
I don't care, 'cause I love
the taste of a man. Ooga.
["Ooga" Continues]
All right, if I could
have some music now.
Mr. Engineer, please,
some music.
Would you, please?
Would you give us a record,
por favor?
[Disco Music Plays]
OK, thank you.
Now watch and learn.
# La la la
la la la #
[Saying Call Letters]
There she blows.
[Humming With Record]
Oh. Can you believe it?
You just swallowed.
I swallowed.
Oh, my God.
Waste not,
want not, Robin.
I wanna say I love
See? It worked.
I can say it.
- WNBC, please hold.
- WNBC, please hold.
- WNBC, please hold.
- WNBC, please hold.
- WNBC, please hold.
- WNBC, please hold.
# Stop it now... #
So we gave them
some characters, right?
Get in.
You goddamn
You fucking waltz
in here,
and you think you know
everything, don't you?
Well, I fucking worked
my fucking ass off
to get to
New York City,
and you sure as fuck
are not gonna fucking
blow it for me!
I was just
doing character...
Barry, Jerry,
clarify the situation
for him, please.
Page 108,
paragraph 3:
"No jokes dealing
with flatulence,
"excretion, urination,
or other
bodily functions."
Also note paragraph 2:
"No use of the so-called
7 dirty words.
"These are cocksucker,
fuck, shit, cunt,
cock, and pussy."
Now, from now on,
all your little bits
are gonna be under
2 minutes in duration,
and all scripts...
and I do mean all scripts...
my personal approval.
Welcome to NBC, Howard.
# 66, WNBC #
# 66, WNBC #
It's time for
The Match Game.
[Game Show Music Plays]
And thank you,
Mr. Announcer.
Hi, everybody.
My name is Gene Sternburn,
and welcome
to Match Game.
We have a lot of excitement
in the air today
because we have
some great panelists.
Let me introduce you
to everybody.
First of all, I want to
introduce all of you
to a very, very charming
and beautiful lady,
the very beautiful
Miss Brett Somers.
How are you, baby?
[Gravelly Voice]
Hi, Gene.
Hygiene, that's something
I don't think you have.
Hey, back off.
OK, and let's now go over
to somebody who I really admire,
the ex-president of
the United States, Mr. Richard Nixon.
[Lmitating Voice]
Hello, everybody. Hello.
I'm very, very honored
right now
to introduce to all of you
a very special man.
He's come all the way
to our show for the first time.
Mr. Jackie "The Jokeman"
Well, thank you, Gene.
That's very nice of you.
Let's play our game now,
OK? Shall we?
And what we're gonna do is ask you
to fill in the blank, OK?
Now, I want you
to listen carefully.
Our first clue up is...
blank willow.
Blank willow.
[Music Plays]
Let's go over to
Miss Brett Somers right now.
Now, Brett, what did you
have for us? Blank willow.
The only thing
on my mind, Gene,
was pussy.
Pussy. Hey, all right.
Hey, that's kind of wild.
Pussy willow, that's
what I would have said.
All right, let's go over to Dick Nixon,
former president of the United States.
What did you have?
Blank willow.
In any language, pussy.
All right!
Now let's go
to our newest member
of the panel,
Mr. Jackie "Jokeman"
Martling. Blank willow.
Well, Gene, I didn't
write it too neat,
so I have
a sloppy pussy.
Sloppy pussy!
We had a sloppy and a fuzzy
pussy and a very big one.
Are we talking
about Brett again?
All right, now,
Let's keep going.
Now it's gonna get
a little rougher, OK?
Everybody ready?
Blank a-doodle-doo.
Blank a-doodle-doo.
[Music Plays]
Blank a-doodle-doo.
Think about that while
the celebrities are writing.
Here we are. Let's go over
to our Dick Nixon,
our own ex-president.
What do you got there, Dick?
Well, it takes a Dick to know
a cock, and that's what I wrote.
Now, that's what
I would have said.
That seemed
like the obvious answer.
OK, let's go to our own
Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling.
Jackie The Jokeman?
Gene, I have cock,
and I wrote it big.
I have a big cock.
Uh, I don't think you can
say "big cock" on the radio.
I think that's a no-no.
But I just said pussy.
Yeah, she
just said pussy.
Yes, pussy is OK.
It's the way he says it.
"Big cock" coming out of
your mouth sounds awfully dirty.
So I can't say
"big cock,"
but you can say "big cock
coming out of my mouth"?
- That's correct.
- That sucks.
Did you just say, "big cock
coming out of your mouth sucks"?
All right,
enough of this nonsense.
We gotta move
to Miss Brett Somers.
Just like the boys,
Gene, I've got cock.
There it is, cock-a-doo...
do me a favor
and hold that up
so I can see your cock.
Aw, Gene, don't
All right, there it is.
Cock, cock, cock.
I must tell you, though,
we have to end this fun right now.
I want to thank all of you.
Give yourselves a big hand.
OK, let's have
a little music, Phil.
You did not have permission
to do that bit.
I never approved that script,
God damn it, Howard!
Wait a second.
Calm down, OK, Kenny?
There's a perfectly
good explanation.
I'm all ears, Howard.
Let's hear it.
I gave the script
to Fred.
[Still lmitating Nixon]
And I gave it to Robin over there.
Oh, that's right.
I'm sorry, Kenny.
I forgot to put it
in your box.
There you go.
Perfectly good explanation.
It'll never happen again,
You're goddamn right she's never
gonna do it again. You're fired.
Gather your things together,
Robin. Let's go.
Wait a second, Kenny.
What are you talking about?
She had nothing
to do with the bit.
It was all me.
Pack up your shit.
I'm not kidding. Let's go.
Kenny, you can't blame
someone over one lousy bit.
You can't go firing them.
Oh, yes, I can, Howard.
Robin, get the fuck out!
#... A boy could give you #
# Take my tears and... #
Listen to me.
Listen to me.
If you give me
a couple of days,
I know I can get you
back on the air.
Forget it.
They're trying to break us apart.
They're trying to beat us.
That's the whole point.
You and Fred should quit,
and we should go
somewhere else.
Quit? If I quit,
they win.
Don't you see? I don't want them to win.
I can't quit.
- You're not gonna quit?
- No.
You're gonna let 'em
throw me out like garbage?
No. I want to beat these guys,
stomp them into the ground.
The only way to do that
is to stay on the air.
I've gotta stay
on the air, Robin.
You're pathetic.
I'm not pathetic.
Just give me a couple of days
to make them understand.
I can convince these guys
to bring you back.
I know I can do that.
I have that ability.
Fuck you.
They're gonna hire you back.
How can you say "fuck you"?
[Horn Honks]
Hey, move it,
She hates me. She thinks
I'm total scum.
She thinks
I'm lower than scum.
She thinks you're
letting her take the fall.
Well, what do you think?
I think you've been loyal
to every person you've ever worked with.
That's the way you are,
you know?
You'll find a way
to get her back.
In fact,
I feel sorry for NBC,
because as soon
as you start in on them,
they're gonna be sorry they ever
fired her in the first place.
You're right.
I know.
Howard, Fred, I'd like you
to meet your new newsman,
Ross Buckingham.
Hi. Pleasure.
I'm looking forward
to joining the team.
Now, old Ross here's
quite lively,
and I think he'll
fit in well
with your special
brand of humor.
As a matter of fact,
I'm a bit of
an old comedy man myself.
I've done quite a bit
of light comedy in my younger years.
Summer stock... mostly.
Hundreds of people gathered
in Central Park this afternoon
to remember former Beatle
John Lennon,
who was murdered 2 years ago
today. Lennon's killer...
Hey, let me
ask you something, Ross.
Were you a Beatles fan?
Uh... y-yes,
l... I was, once.
Lennon's killer,
Mark David Chapman...
Now, Mark David Chapman, now,
there's a guy we gotta talk about, Ross.
Mark David Chapman,
what do you make of him?
I mean, he's probably in a prison cell
right now enjoying himself.
I say electrocute him. You gotta be
with that program, huh, Ross?
I hope this was a good idea.
Ross: Uh, I think
we're supposed
to be having
the news now.
Howard: Forget that.
Just repeat after me, Ross.
I want to kill
Mark David Chapman.
[Music Plays]
# 66 #
# WNBC #
Are we ready in there,
Freddy Boy?
OK. We've got our next
phone call to Ross.
Guess who's
on the phone with us.
I really have no idea.
Just take a wild guess.
Do it right off the top of your head.
This is a good one.
It's a good mystery guest.
What an ad-libber, Ross.
All right, I don't want to
put you under too much pressure.
Hi. Is this
Betty Jean Rushton?
Yes, it is.
Betty Jean, hi.
It's Howard Stern,
I work with
your husband Kenny.
Yes. Kenny's
mentioned you.
Oh, I bet Kenny has.
The reason I'm calling
is because your husband
has been very bitchy
around here lately,
and I'm thinking that maybe
if you gave him some more sex...
More sex?
Yeah. He's backed up.
Isn't he backed up, Ross?
Yes. You know, you might
be right about that, Howard.
Oh, really?
I am right.
You ever do that again,
I'll kill you.
I need Robin.
She's the anchor on the show.
what's missing.
You have violated
my wife.
I did not.
You soiled the sanctity
of my home!
What are you saying?
I didn't do anything.
I wouldn't even be
doing bits like that
if Robin was with me.
I never would have even
called his wife on the air
if I had Robin
sitting there.
She's the voice
of reason.
You know what?
You know what you are, Stern?
You're the Antichrist.
- What?
- Yes, that's what you are!
You are the motherfucking
Kenny, take it easy.
Well, this is an exciting day
for us here in the studio
because we have a stage star
with us.
This is Donna Porter
with us on the show,
and she's here to talk
about life in the theater,
and, Donna, I don't know
if you know this,
but our own news guy
Ross Buckingham
actually has some theater experience
as well, don't you, Ross?
Do you want to tell us
about that?
Yes. Um... I once did
some summer stock.
I know you're very,
very proud
of your summer stock
When you went on stage
the very first time,
did you ever
get nervous?
No, I was...
quite comfortable.
Howard: I see.
That's very interesting.
Then, in 1926,
General Sarnoff
formed NBC radio,
America's first network.
I guess you could say
I was a little nervous
the first time I was ever
on stage with a 12-inch kielbasa.
Now, why is that?
Can I show you?
Sure. I think we'd like
to see what you have.
Right now, you're getting
a look at a live broadcast
of The Howard Stern
That's about 13 inches,
and you're licking
whipped cream off a kielbasa,
and you're putting it
in your mouth,
and you're jamming
the kielbasa
all the way down
your throat.
Oh, my God.
Look at that.
The entire kielbasa
is going down.
She has swallowed an entire
13-inch kielbasa.
Look at that.
A full 13 inches, ladies and gentlemen.
Wow. You gotta
love that, folks.
You gotta love it,
don't you, Ross? Ho ho.
Ross Buckingham,
have you ever seen a woman
an entire 13-inch kielbasa?
When you were
in the theater,
did you ever work
with a kielbasa?
What he did to me today
was the most unprofessional
and insulting experience of my life.
I hold you and this station
personally responsible.
If you want to fire me,
fire me. Go ahead.
But I refuse to work with
this man one minute longer.
Good day.
OK, it's 5:35 at W N BC.
Time for the news.
I'm not real good
at this, I confess,
but I'm trying...
Who the fuck
are we gonna get?
Beats me. No one wants
to work with him.
Is it Monaco or Mon aco?
That's what I thought.
Well, anyway, she's dead.
You know,
I'm thinking about...
What about Kelly Landers?
Absolutely refuses.
Says she'd rather quit.
I have a theory
that he is the one
who cut the brakes
on the car.
Now, I could be crazy, but I figure
a guy who's been married
as long as Prince Reindeer
is ready for a new wife.
I mean, Princess Grace...
beautiful woman and all that...
but she was losing
her looks. Let's be honest.
There were bags
under those eyes.
In other news,
One of Italy's
highest-ranking police officials,
General Alberto DeCarlo...
Kenny, we're one of the biggest
radio stations in America.
We can't just
not do the news.
My program director
Pig Vomit
gets assassinated
by Sicilians in Palermo.
Wouldn't that be wonderful?
I want to pray to God
right now.
Jesus Christ,
who I love so much,
more than anything
in the whole world,
I am begging you,
send a hit man to
the United States of America
to kill Pig Vomit finally.
Thank you. I love you, God.
I'll do whatever you say
if you just make that come true.
[Music Plays]
# Howard Stern, WNBC #
So if we bring Robin back,
you'll behave?
Robin's my anchor.
You can't trust him.
that's not fair.
And quite frankly,
I'm just a little bit hurt
that you're so incapable
of being supportive.
And, Vin, please, if
you hire Robin back,
I promise you
you won't be sorry.
You have my word.
Thank you.
We hate noise.
Isn't that right, Jerry?
Yeah. Makes me nuts.
No, it's
a very quiet street.
You're gonna like it here.
[Rhythmic Knock On Door]
Excuse me for a second.
You're back.
I got you back.
It's a miracle
of all miracles.
I can't talk right now.
Oh, hello.
How are you?
I even got you an office.
You're all set.
I'm showing
my apartment now.
You're looking
at this apartment?
Let me tell you something.
There are roaches the size of dogs here.
- I don't advise you living here.
- Excuse me.
It is disgusting.
Take a look behind the fireplace.
You'll see. Excuse me.
I'll come back and tell you.
What the hell do you
think you're doing?
Robin, you got your job back,
so what's the problem?
The problem is that
when I needed you,
you didn't stand
behind me.
Robin, those guys are assholes.
They screwed you,
and they screwed me. We gotta
get back in there and beat them.
We were supposed
to be a team.
We are a team,
for God's sakes.
We're gonna be the greatest team
in the history of radio.
Come on.
What's the big deal?
Look at me, Robin.
See this?
Look what I'm doing.
You know what I'm doing?
I'm begging you.
I'm begging you.
I'm serious.
Come here.
I'm gonna kiss your feet.
Look at these gams.
Look at these feet.
I'm worshipping your foot.
Look at me, Robin.
What are you doing?
People are looking
at us.
I'm begging you to...
I'm liking it down here.
Hey, Robin,
you love this,
don't you?
It gives me
great pleasure now
to welcome back
on our show
the very beautiful,
uh, vivacious...
beautifully big-breasted
Robin Quivers. I love her.
Thank you.
May I say that you are
beautifully big-breasted again?
Thank God you're back,
'cause the show sucked without you.
Actually, I just want to say
how much I really missed you and...
That I really do love you,
and I'm just
so glad you're back.
OK there, Mr. Rushton,
You pick up the phone,
and it rings right into my booth.
Good, but don't
answer it.
Immediately disconnect
Stern's microphone,
dump out of the delay,
and go straight to a record.
That would be it,
Always have a record
ready to go.
Yes, sir.
This little puppy's finally
gonna get housebroken.
Oh, look at this, Robin.
This is unbelievable.
Oh, the underpants
are coming off.
That is the first naked lady
in the history of radio.
Sans panties, sans bra.
I am shocked.
So am I.
This is disgraceful.
We should be taken
off the air.
You've finally done it.
Ohh! Beautiful. You're a work of art.
Did you know that?
Thank you, Howard.
Let me tell you
Now, to ensure our place
in the history of radio,
Mandy has agreed to actually
get on the floor with me
and give me a massage
while she is nude.
What does a massage have to do
with making it into history?
Who knows? I don't know.
Massage, schmas.
I just gotta
get touched.
I can't wait, Howard.
You can't wait?
Let me tell you something...
I'm not kidding around...
You are beautiful,
and my thoughts
are right in the gutter.
You understand what I mean?
This is the Tudor,
Center hall plan,
very traditional.
Naked Woman: I've been
thinking about you, too.
Only reason it's for sale
is they're divorcing.
Would you believe 80%% %
of my listings are from divorces?
Howard: Mmm.
For God's sakes.
Now, what do you suggest
we do here?
Why don't you come lay
over here and get comfortable?
I could do that.
All right.
I can't believe
my luck here.
Don't hurt yourself
getting over there.
I won't.
All right,
hold on a second.
Let me get
my cans on.
Ooh, you know what?
You know... Oh, man.
Let me soak you in.
Holy cow,
are you naked.
You know what I like
about you?
I like that you're
the perfect height.
I could have sex
with you standing up.
Look at that. Ooh.
Howard! You're married.
I am? I mean, I am.
Well, I'm not really
married anymore.
What do you mean?
Take a seat. I'll
Tell you what happened.
My wife was suffering from cancer...
I never told you this...
and she died last night.
I've been single
for exactly 6 hours.
Honey, if you're
up there now,
I know you can hear me,
and you're at God's side,
but I want you to cover
your ears and eyes.
Besides, you're married
to God now...
Your husband's
quite a character.
Only on the radio.
It's just an act.
Oh, oh, that's nice. No one's ever
touched me like this before.
Let me ask you
You have the look
of love in your eyes,
but I'm an ugly man.
I know this.
You couldn't be physically
attracted to me, could you?
Physically, I am.
I mean, you're smart,
you're sexy.
Wait. Excuse me
for one minute. Robin...
I didn't say a thing.
Robin, go up to the cafeteria
and get some lunch.
Yeah, go ahead.
Tell me more about me.
You're funny.
You know what I would
do to you physically?
What would you do?
I don't know what I'd do,
but let me just say something.
Whatever it is,
it would last 3 seconds.
3 seconds,
I'd be finished.
We would have sex, like,
10 times a day. You would love it.
I kind of want to
wrap my legs around you.
You do?
The average radio listener
listens for 18 minutes.
The average Howard Stern fan
listens for...
are you ready for this?
An hour and 20 minutes.
How can that be?
most commonly given:
"I want to see
what he'll say next."
All right, OK, fine.
But what about the people
who hate Stern?
Good point.
The average Stern hater...
listens for
21/2 hours a day.
Look, but if they hate him,
why do they listen?
Most common answer:
"I want to see
what he'll say next."
- Kenny.
- Fucking twisted. What?
You'd better listen to this.
Howard: This is nice.
You wanna know something?
This is
the God's honest truth.
Come here.
I want to tell you closer.
I am fully aroused right now.
I am totally engorged.
Oh, my God.
Naked Woman:
Well, after the show,
why don't we go someplace else
and see how it feels?
Really? That's great.
You know why I love you?
'Cause you're smart.
- And you're practically a virgin, right?
- [Telephone Buzzing]
You have a sharp ass.
I'm gonna be so honest
with you now.
- I've never said this before.
- [Music Plays]
I'm telling you,
I'm a full 21/2 inches,
and I've never been 21/2...
What's the music?
We're off the air.
Are we off the air?
Oh. Would you do me a favor?
Just stay right there, OK?
What the hell's going on?
What are you doing, man?
Look, Rushton told me,
this phone...
Oh, come on, man.
Don't listen to Kenny.
I'm just doing what
he told me, that's all.
Shit, man, you don't
take me off the air
in the middle
of a fucking bit.
Come on.
Don't listen to Kenny.
You're supposed
to listen to me.
He's the boss.
Forget it.
You believe this?
What the hell
are they doing?
Yeah, hi.
Can I speak to Kenny?
It's Howard over
in the air studio.
Just hold the line.
As soon
as they get him on,
just keep him on the line.
Fred, get me back
on the air.
Just patch the phone call
onto the air, OK?
Just put it right through
as soon as you can.
Fuck, man.
# Oh, the canvas
can do miracles #
# Just you wait and see... #
Patch it in.
I said patch it in!
Yes, Robin, he's
running in right now.
Can I have the phone, please,
just for a second?
Hi, Robin.
We back on the air?
Robin: Yeah.
Everybody can hear.
OK, I'm right outside
Pig Vomit's office.
I'm gonna knock
on his door.
All right.
Hey, Pig Vomit.
Come on, Kenny.
Why don't you open up?
I want to know why
this guy had to cut my show off.
Come on, Pig Vomit.
Mr. Stern,
he's in a meeting.
I'd like to know
what meeting
is more important
than my show.
He took the show
right off the air.
What'd you take the show
off the air for, Pig Vomit? Huh?
This isn't funny, Howard.
Oh, it's not funny?
What are you
talking about?
I think
it's very funny.
How would you know
what's funny, anyway?
You're not bringing
that in here, Stern.
I don't see anybody
in here in a meeting, do you?
You gotta go.
Why would I have to go?
Why don't you explain
to my audience
why you had to
shut down the show?
I don't answer
to you, Stern.
Yes, you do,
you big idiot scumbag.
I'm your boss.
I'm your boss.
Hey, what's this?
Robin, it's everybody's
salary on his desk.
God damn it,
get out of here!
He hit me, Robin.
He's hitting me.
Robin: Hit him back.
I'm gonna
hit you back.
I hit him back.
He hit...
You're not getting
the phone from me, Kenny.
Gimme the damn phone.
Oh, my God, Robin.
Kenny just hit himself
in the face. He's bleeding.
Give that to me.
Hey, come on.
Robin: Oh, goodness,
what's going on?
Vince just got hit
by Kenny.
God damn it, Stern!
You look! See that?!
Blood, Stern!
- Are you OK?
- No!
Broke my nose!
It wasn't my fault.
I'll sue your ass!
Get out of here!
[Voices Overlapping]
Our first guest tonight
is the afternoon
drive-time disc jockey
at WNBC radio
here in New York City.
Ladies and gentlemen,
do me a favor.
Please welcome Howard Stern.
[Cheers And Applause]
Walk over there
and have a seat.
Now, uh, Howard,
you know, uh...
I admire you, you know?
I love what you do.
I think
you're a pioneer.
You're on the cutting edge
of radio entertainment.
You and I both work
for NBC.
You have
the radio show,
I have the little
TV show here.
How do you get along
with the folks here?
You enjoying
the experience?
I hate it at NBC, Dave.
It's the worst. It sucks.
I gotta tell you something.
All the management at NBC...
bunch of creeps, and I'm not
afraid to say it right now,
and, you know,
it's funny,
because I know you feel
the same exact way I do about NBC
because you told me on the phone
personally last week
that you feel
the same way.
I couldn't be happier.
Everything is fine.
I don't understand
them at all.
Now, Howard, let's get
back to the issue
of them being creepy.
Now, when you say
they're creep...
He makes us sound like
a bunch of idiots on the radio.
He criticizes us
on television.
I thought you were going
to control this guy.
Oh, well,
we are, sir.
In fact, we're designing
a more restrictive program
- Shut up.
- To make sure...
How are his numbers?
The official ratings don't
come out until tomorrow,
but we've got
some projections.
Stern... has gone...
from a 2.9 to a 5.6.
He's number one
in the market.
He's the hottest d.j.
In New York.
Kind of weird,
you know?
I thought there was
a mistake or something,
mm-mmm... no.
My girlfriends think i'm crazy for
letting you behave like that on the air.
What are you
talking about?
You know what it is?
It's those yentas you hang around with.
They're... they're
driving you crazy.
It's not yentas, Howard.
It's everybody.
I can't even go... I can't
even get my hair done.
I can't even walk in
and get my hair done
without people looking at me like,
"Oh, God, that poor little thing."
Then you know
what you gotta do?
You gotta go to a different
hair shop or something.
- Please!
- For God's sakes,
If the place is driving
you crazy, don't go there.
It's not that!
It's not that!
God, no wonder they think
you're sleeping around!
Look at me!
Look at me!
- I'm disgusting!
- What about you?
- You're not disgusting.
- Yes, I am! I look like a house!
- I look like an elephant!
- You don't look like a house.
- You do not. You look beautiful.
- I look like Babar!
- You don't look like an elephant.
- I do.
You don't look like Babar.
You look gorgeous.
This is the most beautiful
you ever looked.
You're carrying our baby.
Come over here. You want to
sit down on this couch?
You know what the problem is?
You're tired.
I am tired.
Look at this...
It's our baby.
It's beautiful.
You're beautiful.
[Doorbell Buzzes]
Who would come here?
[Doorbell Buzzes]
I don't want
to get that.
- [Buzz]
- Oh.
OK. I'll go
get the door.
- Don't go away.
- [Buzz]
Howdy, partner.
- How you doing?
- Oh, hey, Kenny.
Can I come in
just for a second?
It's kind of
a bad time, OK?
Just real quick, OK?
I want to tell you
You've won.
When the new ratings
come out tomorrow,
you are going
to be number one.
You understand me? A point
and a half higher than lmus.
- No shit?
- You've killed him. You've slayed him.
You understand me?
Ha ha!
That's great news.
Thanks, Kenny. I gotta go.
Howard! Howard!
Listen, I know I've been
a real pain in the butt, OK?
But that's
all over with now.
Now, you're going to need
a friend on the inside.
I'm going to do
everything I can for you.
All right?
How's that sound, partner?
Fuck you.
People of New York...
People of Earth...
we are gathered here today
in praise of me!
Man, this is
a great day in my life.
I've been dreaming
of this day forever.
Thank you!
You know,
when I got to NBC,
they treated me
like I was a jerk.
They did everything to
sabotage me, but because of you...
Because of you,
and only because of you,
I am now the number one
disc jockey in New York,
and I thank you.
I love you for that.
I love you!
Thank you!
This is my gift to you,
New York...
[You Shook Me
All Night Long Plays]
# She was a fast machine #
# She kept
her motor clean #
# She was the best damn
woman that I've ever seen #
# She had the sexiest eyes #
# Telling me no lies #
# Knockin' me out
with those American thighs #
# We did not
want to share... #
My water broke!
My water broke!
# Bang, the walls
started shakin' #
# The earth was quakin' #
# My mind was achin' #
# We were makin' when you #
# Shook me all night long #
Hey! Hey!
# Yeah, you shook me
all night long... #
Keep it moving!
# One more time,
and when she got to... #
Now, push! Push!
No, no, don't push.
Just breathe deeply.
Don't push, honey.
Ice chips.
Fuck ice chips,
Listen to me...
we named her Emily.
7 pounds, 8 ounces.
She was incredibly
beautiful. Really nice.
Well, you must
have felt fabulous.
Yeah, I had everything I ever
wanted in life, you know.
You know,
I have to admit
that I'm really not
a very big fan of yours,
but, in fact, l...
I know. You thought I was
a disgusting, sexist, racist pig
who had the maturity level
of a 3-year-old, right?
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah. I get that
all the time.
But then you know
what happens?
I grow on you
like a fungus.
I could see that.
You know, I have
to tell you...
this has been
a really great flight.
You know, I could
get this girl.
I know I could get her.
And this is the hell
that's my life.
I mean, think about it.
What would it be like
to have sex with her?
It would be amazing.
But I'm not going
to act on it.
You know why?
Because I'd be a schmuck.
No, because
I love Alison.
She stuck with me through
the whole thing, you know?
You gotta respect that.
I think you have
to respect that.
You have to
respect that.
Hey, everybody!
- Daddy!
- Daddy!
Oh, did I miss you!
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
Let's go say hi to Mommy.
Come on.
- Hi.
- Wait, wait. There we go.
Did you miss me?
Hi, honey.
I missed you.
Oh, Gloria.
Honey, Gloria.
Gloria, honey.
Honey, Gloria.
Gloria, honey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Maybe the two of you
would like to have
a little menage a trois
Huh. You know what?
Maybe some other time.
Just, you know,
Yeah, I know.
OK. See you,
Howard: So occasionally I make
a fool of myself in public,
and the FCC
wants me off the air,
and every fundamentalist group
in this country hates my guts,
and, yeah, most of the things
I do are misunderstood.
Hey, after all,
being misunderstood
is the fate of all
true geniuses, is it not?
But my life
isn't bad at all.
I'm still on the air,
I've got my kids,
and I've got Alison.
Alison... She's the best friend
I could ever have.
And who knows?
With a little time,
the right energy...
I think I could talk her
into some hot lesbo action.
Porno For Pyros:
# Got my hands into something #
# I could not touch... #
Stuttering John:
Wait! Wait! Is that it?
What, the movie's over?
Oh, yeah?
That's bullshit!
Hi. You know who I am?
Yeah, I'm Stuttering John.
And you know why I'm pissed?
I'll tell you why.
I've been getting up at 5:00
every morning to work for Howard.
I've been pissing off
every publicist,
burning every freakin'
bridge in the industry,
And y-y-you'd figure Howard would pay
me back by putting me in his movie!
No, he doesn't!
I'm not in the movie!
I've been in here for 8 years,
cuttin' his friggin' potato!
I've been smacked around
by Morton Downey,
punched in the nose by Raquel Welch,
and what do I get?
I get fucking nothing!
That's what I get!
I'm not even in
this fucking movie!
He's says I'll
be in the sequel!
Yeah? What sequel?
Suppose the movie sucks?
Th-th-th-there won't
even be any sequel!
# If you lie for your breakfast,
then you won't get lunch #
# I'm a hard charger #
# I don't believe in dying #
# No such luck #
# Hard charger #
# Can't stay pretty
'cause it's just no fun #
# Hard charger... #
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
Mia Farrow.
Thank you.
Thank you.
The nominees
for best actor are...
Harrison Ford...
Denzel Washington...
Robert DeNiro...
Tom Hanks...
Howard Stern.
And the winner is...
Howard Stern.
[Trumpet Fanfare]
It's me!
# I'm a radio star #
# A hit on TV #
# My life is on film #
# Yet it sucks bein' me #
Ben: Shut up! Sit down!
# My life's a wreck #
# I'm bored with sex #
# I've got a big nose
and a skinny neck #
# I can't sing #
# I can't dance #
# I make money talking about
the joke in my underpants #
# I'm a tortured man #
Shut up! Sit down!
# I'm a tortured man #
I told you not to be
stupid, you moron.
Howard: I'm just
thinking for a minute.
Should I trade half my money
for 10 times as much sex?
It's an equation
from hell.
Ray: Oh, well!
It's an equation
from hell.
Oh, well!
It's an equation
from hell.
Oh, well!
Marilyn Manson:
# Your mouth is like a suicide #
# Talkin' like
you never doubt #
# Melting me down #
# And suck, suck,
sucking my brain #
# But I can't be the one
that you need, yeah #
# And I can't be the... #
I bear no grudge
against Howard Stern.
He's been very successful,
and God bless him.
God bless him.
But I'll tell you
I ain't done
too badly myself.
Uh, I manage
a shopping mall
down in
Florence, Alabama.
Yeah. It's the number one
mall in Colbert County,
and it's number 4
in the state,
So, it's not
too bad, you know?
Uh, I play golf
several times a week, you know?
Uh, but
I'll tell you,
if Howard would have
listened to me,
I'd still be
up there in radio.
Still be doing
radio, you know.
How about that?
That goddamn motherfucker,
you know?
I tried every fucking thing
I could fucking think of
to mold him into
a proper kind of d.j.,
- but that goddamn son of a bitch...
- [Jackhammer]
I'll tell you...
Howard Stern, man.
- That motherfuckin'...
- [Siren]
- [Jackhammer]
And I'll say that
with no shame either!
- Man's a...
- [Jackhammer]
the man's immature,
you know?
- He's like a... child.
- [Jackhammer]
I'll tell you
this much.
There ain't no God while
Howard Stern's walking the earth,
I'll tell you that.
I gotta go.
How about that?
Howard Stern, huh?
Howard Stern can
kiss my ass in hell!