Quickie Love Is So (2016) Movie Script
1
KIKI, LOVE TO LOVE
That was good.
Good, good.
Good or what?
Like a bull?
- A fighting bull.
Really good.
Or more of a lion, or what?
Do you want me to give you a score?
Really good.
End of story.
- What's wrong, Natalia?
- Nothing.
I was just saying...
Well, just...
What's up?
I can't stop thinking
about the petrol station.
Seriously, are you thinking
about that now, Natalia?
It's over now.
I didn't tell you everything.
I went to the petrol station
with a 200? note
to get change.
I'd had it ages
and I wanted it changed.
I bought an ice cream
but the girl wouldn't change it.
- You've nothing smaller?
- No.
- We don't take 200? notes.
- I've no change.
I'll take a card but...
A man came up from behind
and grabbed me
and asked the cashier for the money.
- Open the till or I'll stab her!
- I can't open it.
They started arguing
and he put a knife to my throat.
At first I was really scared.
But then...
I started feeling something down below.
Like heat rising and rising
and I didn't know why,
and I was getting aroused.
I was aroused.
And I was coming and coming and...
I came.
HARPAXOPHILIA
ATTRACTION PRODUCED ON BEING MUGGED
OR ROBBED WITH VIOLENCE
You came?
I came right there, Alex.
You came, but how?
Like with me now?
No. More!
More!
I didn't know what was happening.
I couldn't control it,
it came up from below
and then went downwards,
it was the situation,
not knowing what was going on.
- You came a lot?
- Loads.
I don't know, Natalia...
I don't...
I don't know what to say...
Nothing.
You don't have to say anything.
You just said that last week
you had the biggest shag of your life
with another guy.
What can I say?
Nothing.
I didn't see his face, Alex.
You get off sucking a foot,
and I get off with that.
Sure, it's the same.
Exactly the same.
I can't tell you anything!
Honestly...
My name is Paco.
She's Ana.
We have a five-year-old daughter,
Luna.
- We've been together...
- For eight years now.
We aren't here because we have doubts
whether we want to stay together or not.
We don't doubt our love.
- Good.
I want you to think
about what could be improved
in sexual terms.
He's a bit reserved,
perhaps because he's Andalusian.
He's never been to therapy,
he's got them all.
And in my case, I have,
I've done a bit.
Good.
Things to improve?
Well...
- Speak up.
- Yes, we can talk about it.
Yes.
Her blow jobs...
aren't good.
I think.
I mean...
They could be better, you know?
I don't know.
Anything to say to him, Ana?
No, it comes as a surprise.
It's odd that he tells you,
a complete stranger,
and he hasn't told me in all this time.
It seems a bit like wasted time.
He tells me how
and I do it as he says.
It didn't come up in conversation.
She doesn't do it badly,
I like it.
But...
She sucks the bell end.
The... the glans.
The... She licks it.
But I've seen on films
it's more deep throat, not so...
You know?
The shaft is sensitive too,
I don't know.
Can you remember any other fellatio
which is more satisfactory
than what Ana does?
Well...
Excuse me, isn't this more like
individual therapy keep asking him?
- No.
- I'm asking
because I'm not sure
I want to hear all this.
- I shouldn't have said anything.
- Yes, carry on.
Say it and I'll change it, fine.
Because...
It comes to mind,
thinking out loud, perhaps...
My grandmother used to get jaw lock.
So perhaps,
when it comes to doing, let's say,
doing it deep throat,
I hold back through fear
of getting jaw lock.
That's what first comes to mind.
It could be that.
- Maybe.
- He's got things too.
- Come on, then.
- He doesn't take time, you know?
- Yes.
He gets straight in there,
as if I were a walking genital organ.
- You know?
- Yes.
It's odd.
Please, stay calm.
Take it easy.
It is absolutely normal
in a couple that has been together
for such time.
Of course, the flame dies.
But,
if there is wood,
if there is a spark and a will,
everything can start burning again.
There are hidden philias,
desires which we ignore.
I would suggest
you investigate your own sexuality.
Trust me.
There's so much to do.
You carry on.
I'll start now.
- Are you starting?
- Yes, but...
- Go on.
- No, no. You carry on, I'll...
Slut.
Slut.
Little whore.
No, wait.
Better in... Better in...
Little whore.
You're a little slut.
I want you to fill me.
- To fill you?
- Completely.
- You're turning me on, you know?
- Me too.
You want meat and tomatoes, right?
- Do you like...?
- I want some rod.
You want my rod, right?
There...
- Say things to me as well.
- Pig.
- I'm a pig?
- A stinking pig.
Stinking?
- Sorry.
- What do you mean, stinking?
Is stinking nice?
It that sexy, woman?
Stinking?
I don't know,
it just came out.
Why?
Do I smell or something?
Come here.
- But, stinking...
- Paco.
I can't believe it.
Stop it, you're killing the moment.
- Take it seriously.
- I was taking it seriously.
Well, you weren't exactly...
I mean... No?
- I'm taking it seriously.
Yes, but you say things too, don't you?
You said things too.
- But what I said...
If we're all so, so...
So playboy, right?
Fine.
- The doorbell.
- Well, that's it.
- Are you going to answer?
- Yes.
Hi, is Paco in?
Forgive me, really.
- No.
What a scene.
I've barged in, Paco,
and I'm not like that, you know that.
I really do apologise.
- What has happened?
- Nothing has happened.
They are going to operate
Weirdo's leg, Paco.
And the poor thing is having
a really bad, bad, bad, bad time.
She fell to pieces
and started to cry on me,
and I gave her a kiss.
Paco, a little kiss.
Well, Rebe went mad.
Mad.
She started calling me
"whore" and "slut"...
She's thrown me out.
Over a kiss.
A little kiss, Paco.
After all I've done for her.
You can't imagine
all that I've done for her.
When she asked me to piss on her,
I pissed on her.
And I don't like all that, Paco.
God knows, Paco,
I'm not like that.
When she took to bondage,
and she had me tied up,
I was tied up like a pig,
I did it.
I... I did it...
because I wanted to as well.
I must confess that I did too.
I did whatever she asked me, but...
Modern for some things,
old-fashioned for others.
That's it.
Did she ask you to piss on her?
To piss on her.
And she pissed on me too.
I hate to remember, Paco,
the day we ate asparagus.
Asparagus makes it stink.
- It makes urine smell...
- Yes.
- It does.
- And it's immediate.
Odd, isn't it?
- Yes, it stinks...
It really stinks.
Asparagus doesn't smell,
not even grilled,
but it doesn't half cause a smell.
- Direct.
Direct.
Direct onto my face.
Right?
My problem is, Ana,
I'm a very affectionate person.
I get affectionate quickly, Ana.
- Always.
Always.
After two beers I could snog my mother.
But people don't understand that.
- No.
Madrid seems very modern.
But Madrid isn't modern.
No.
Remember
when I came up from Seville, Paco?
I came empty handed.
My poor thing...
I didn't know how to eat pussy.
And look at me now.
I've tasted all kinds, right?
- That's true.
-It's true.
Do you remember
when we hooked up at the Seville Fair?
Remember?
- Yes.
Have you told Ana?
- No.
- No?
Hasn't he told you?
- No, never.
We were kids...
We were kids,
real hippies, real hippies.
Do you remember?
In the communist tent.
- In the cubicle.
In the cubicle, round the back.
Hey, I haven't told you...
I've got a job.
I've been working
in a sex club for a month.
- As a whore?
- A whore? Hell, Paco...
You tell me.
As a waitress, dammit.
As a waitress in a sex club,
it's great.
- What's it like?
- Have you never been?
No.
Well, it's a kind of pub,
a nightclub.
But there are theme parties.
They might do swinging couples,
gays, lesbians, latex,
fetish competitions...
There are sometimes
strange things as well.
But generally,
there's a great atmosphere.
I'm getting to know interesting people.
The other day, Snchez Drag came.
Your phone.
Where the fuck...?
It's Rebe.
Excuse me.
What?
Wait a minute.
We don't make the most of Madrid.
Antonio?
Come here, come here.
Come here, quick.
- Wait.
- Yes.
There.
Antonio, you know I'm not ovulating.
Yes, but it seemed a shame to waste it,
you never know.
How was your day?
Fine.
It's always the same.
Two days before ovulating,
we do it in the morning,
we do it at night...
In the position that you recommended.
It's been...
I don't know, two years.
Almost two years,
and it's tiring.
Yet I do everything.
I eat everything,
I hadn't eaten vegetables in my life.
Or fruit.
I'm stuffing myself
with folic acid and proteins.
I haven't been like this ever.
Everything is fine, Mara Candelaria.
There is no physiological problem.
Look,
what I want you to understand is that...
the body isn't a perfect machine.
Sometimes, things simply don't turn out.
I can't understand.
It's been two years,
and for my head...
I'm in a state, a real state...
Do you reach orgasm during coitus?
Orgasm?
Do you usually have an orgasm
when you have intercourse?
Orgasm?
I think I've had one.
When I have intercourse?
Yes, I think so.
I mean recently,
since you've been trying
to get pregnant.
I won't mislead you, doctor.
Not since I got married.
No.
Is it bad?
Perhaps we ought to look into that.
It's clear that the orgasm helps
in becoming pregnant.
The vaginal spasms
help the sperm to reach the egg.
Of course.
I'll bear it in mind.
Here, kid.
Take this.
Go and get another one, it's broken.
How did it go?
- I don't know. Fine.
The endometrium is okay.
Everything is fine.
The cervical mucus?
That's just it,
everything is fine.
Everything looks to be fine.
Well, that's good.
The only thing she said is that...
it's easier to get pregnant
if you have an orgasm.
You always have one, don't you?
That's it then.
That's it.
Hi, kid.
Carlota, how are you?
Who's going to kiss that face?
What?
How did it happen?
- She's done a poo.
- I'll change her nappy.
- Yes.
Okay.
What's wrong, Antonio?
Csar has just phoned.
Paquito has been killed
on his motorbike.
Antonio...
DACRYPHILIA
SEXUAL PLEASURE
CAUSED BY SEEING SOMEONE CRY
I've never seen you cry.
Calm down, love.
It's okay, my love.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
What are you doing?
Again?
Don't even think of it.
Don't dream of it.
SOMNOPHILIA
SEXUAL AROUSAL CAUSED
WHILST WATCHING A PERSON SLEEP
Right, we're done.
Sew her up, bandage her up
and take her to the ward.
- Okay, Tramadol or Nolotil?
- Tramadol.
Quite a lot has come out in the end.
The operation seemed to last for ages...
I don't know if you were slow
or I have to stop
operating in high heels.
What have we got tomorrow?
Two lipos
and a vaginoplasty first thing.
First thing.
I don't know how you can operate a pussy
without having a coffee first.
I haven't told you about Diana,
my daughter.
She's selling.
- Really?
Yes, I'm really happy.
I'm so proud.
She has her own business online.
She's selling
used knickers on the Internet.
Knickers?
Knickers, knickers.
Her used knickers.
She is.
She has her own website:
Diana'sKnickers.com.
Men contact her
and she meets up with them.
She takes them off right there
and hands them over.
And I say to her,
"Well, Diana, let's see...
How much do you sell them for?"
She says,
"They've paid
up to 150?
for ones with a bit of shit on."
I say,
"With shit on, Diana?"
She says,
"Yes, they ask for all sorts.
Requests vary from person to person."
She talks in such a professional manner
you're dumbstruck.
"You're getting
all wound up over nothing.
It's a really common fetish.
Sniffing the female
is an ancient custom."
That fuckwit
gets anthropological on me.
I felt like giving her
a good open-handed smack.
Sodding hell.
Wait a minute, let me see this...
Now Gonzalo, he wants...
an opportunity.
You'll drive your bloody mother mad.
You'll drive me bloody mad...
Sorry, Jos Luis.
I'm not well.
No, I'm not well.
Neither Fentanyl,
nor Propofol, nor anything.
Right now,
I've got to a point...
that I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong,
because...
I don't know.
Well, what about you?
You look very tired, Jos Luis.
Are you sleeping well?
- No.
No.
You almost fell asleep
in the operating theatre.
- I slept two hours.
- What's going on?
Well...
I'll give you some drops
which are stronger than Flunitrazepam.
Apparently it caused
malformations in foetus.
A few claims from patients
and they shit themselves.
But you aren't going to be a mother
so take six drops.
Don't take more, because...
You might kick the bucket,
like Michael.
This is marvellous, you rest...
- Maite, I'm not taking anything.
Do you want it to happen again?
By the way,
how's your wife?
Yes...
Oh, yes, yes, look...
In Chusmari's manor, with the master.
The year we met.
We used to dance so many Pasodobles.
Do you like the Pasodoble?
- No.
- I don't know.
- Of course, naturally.
The Pasodoble is from one's roots,
from the blood.
You have to feel it.
You can't get it with a passport.
Yes.
I don't believe it.
With the master here,
the year we met.
Dancing Pasodobles.
I have another...
Yes, at Pipo's wedding,
the two of us...
- No, no, madam.
- I'm okay, I'm okay.
- No, no.
- I've made progress.
Madam!
Madam!
What's happened? Let me see.
Paloma, are you all right?
Up you get.
Up you get, Paloma.
Are you all right?
Paloma?
Paloma.
Can't you see?
Sir, I'm so sorry.
Don't worry,
you know what she's like.
Okay.
Sir, one question.
How much does a boob operation cost?
- Do you want a bust implant?
- Yes, sir.
Between six and eight thousand euros.
Okay.
But for you,
we can do it for four thousand.
Right, sir.
I'll save up.
- Very well.
- Thank you, sir.
You're welcome.
Everything is okay.
I'll do it, I'll do it.
Catalonia...
Lore, what do you think of Catalonia?
- Catalonia, madam?
Nothing, madam.
Fine.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
How did you sleep?
Fine.
Yes, I slept well.
Especially well.
Although it hurts a bit here.
As if I've bumped my head.
- Sir, here's your coffee.
- Thank you.
I'm going,
I'll see you later.
Don't be late.
- Why not?
- Nothing.
- You must have said it for some reason.
- No.
- Are you sure it's nothing?
- I said "nothing".
Don't,
you'll rub my cream off.
- Goodbye, Lore.
- Goodbye, sir. Have a nice day.
One thing.
I've been thinking and...
I think we can do the implants
for two thousand euros.
What do you think? Good?
- Good, sir. Thank you.
No.
Thanks to you.
Right, you stay here,
you've messed me up more than once.
I'll be right back.
What do you do?
I run my own business,
with an associate.
Events.
I thought I'd told you when we chatted.
And business parties...
- Yes, party tricks.
I'm not into parties
and alcohol or drugs.
No, I mean...
There are no drugs, as far as I know.
Yes, and any hang-ups?
- I don't know.
- You must have one.
Off the top of my head,
I don't know, the usual stuff.
Usual... like everyone.
Like everyone, nothing shameful.
Sure.
- Do you?
- Yes.
You see, since I was a child,
I've had a cloth that I call Wee-wee.
Wee-wee?
Without it,
I can't sleep or calm myself down.
I take it with me everywhere
because it has become
one of my greatest pleasures.
For everything.
- Yes, sure.
- Yes.
Of course.
I'm very fussy about fabric.
- I can see that.
- Very particular.
Polyester?
I don't know.
- You don't know?
- No.
- You bought it... any old how.
- I don't know, I liked it.
Wee-wee is silk.
But a bit of a silk mix.
- Right.
-It's perfect.
Shall I show it to you?
What?
The cloth.
Here it is.
Look.
Close your eyes.
- What?
- Wow!
Soft.
I hold it like this,
on this side.
Suddenly...
TEXTOPHILIA
SEXUAL ATTRACTION
TOWARDS CERTAIN FABRICS
What's funny?
Nothing.
- You're laughing at me.
- I'm not laughing.
It's something...
intimate that I'm showing you
and you shouldn't laugh.
- I'm not.
- I didn't laugh at you.
I'm not laughing, honestly.
- Am I odd?
- No...
I'm not odd.
I've got my hang-ups and I'm different,
but I'm not odd.
Perhaps you're the one
who isn't very different.
I've seen lots of people like you,
with your fringe and your moustache.
It's fine, really.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, believe me.
I'm comfortable.
Very comfortable right now.
Really, don't worry.
I'm fine here...
Christ almighty!
Well, today will be quick.
Greta, Javier. Javier, Greta.
It gave me...
a real fright, to be honest.
I'd seen some,
but not that big.
It's enormous.
I mean, I love animals.
I studied Biology.
I didn't finish it.
I had an iguana when I was a kid.
I remember once
I had it on my shoulder and it crapped.
It crapped loads.
It did an enormous crap.
The crap was as big as its body.
Since then,
every time I see an iguana,
I always imagine
it's crap will be as big as its body.
Roughly.
It's as if I dump
and it measures 180cm.
What?
The thing about the iguana.
How long have you had it?
Greta?
- Are you okay?
- No, no. What's wrong?
Calm down,
I just wanted to know its age...
I can't hear you.
I can't hear you because I'm deaf.
The battery is running out,
I'll go and change it.
And since we're talking about things,
apart from the hearing aid,
I'm a coeliac, my feet smell
and I'm lactose intolerant...
There's a taxi rank just in this street,
in case you're in a rush or whatever.
I've got a present.
No!
- No!
- Oh, yes!
- What a time in London.
- Oh, God.
What a disgusting village.
Nata!
We're coming!
- Gorgeous!
- I love you!
- How's it going with this one?
- He has a name,
Alex.
Really good.
I'm so in love, Asun.
I'd never felt like this.
I'm kind of connected to him.
He spoils me, looks after me,
I love him,
he loves me, he treats me well...
- Great.
- Almost a year now.
He's lasting a long time, then,
given what you're like.
He's going to ask me to marry him.
- What?
- On Saturday.
It's our anniversary,
we're having dinner.
I think he'll ask me.
I'm longing for it,
but I don't want it to show.
But...
You haven't told him about us, have you?
About what?
I told him about the petrol station.
Are you stupid or what?
Why did you tell him?
They needn't know everything.
Besides, what was it?
A bit of harpaxophilia?
That's all, because they attacked you
and we realised.
-It's not just harpaxophilia.
- Well,
you get dendrophilia occasionally
when the summers are intense.
Nothing else.
I didn't tell Fernando anything.
Nothing at all until over a year.
I told him about gran,
he still doesn't believe it.
Well, I'm not like you,
I don't think that's right.
If you're too sincere,
you'll get nowhere.
Look, Pichu, I hope I'm wrong,
but this guy won't marry you.
- Why?
- He looks like a whoremonger.
- What?
- I'm telling you, I know these things.
You don't even know him.
If I'm wrong, at your hen party,
I'll wear a dick on my head.
There you go.
How's Natalia?
Great, what can I say?
Well...
Besides,
Natalia looks to be a bit prude
but then she surprises you.
You know...?
- There's still a lot to surprise you.
- Really?
- Yes, these sisters are...
tremendous.
- Yes?
- Tremendous.
- Sure.
And it's not me.
This comes from way back.
It runs in the family.
- Yes.
- You know?
I think I get you.
There's nothing more to be said then.
You know what I'm talking about...
No?
- Yes, yes.
Look here, listen carefully.
If they get something into their heads,
you can't refuse,
you can't say no.
I almost got divorced.
- Seriously?
- Seriously.
- Hi.
- Hi, love.
I'll leave this over here.
How are you?
- Chardonnay.
So, has he pestered you with the birds?
No, I like them actually.
Yes, I'm sure you think
we're a mad family.
No, no.
Which do you prefer?
Alex or Alejandro?
- Alejandro, I don't know.
- Like Alejandro Magno.
No?
- Yes.
He was gay.
Did you know that?
- No, I didn't.
Now you know.
Well, when is the wedding?
The wedding?
Well...
I don't think
we're the marriage type, are we?
Eh?
If you say so.
Or are we, my love?
Yes, we aren't the marriage type.
That's all.
- Nata.
I'm going to charge my phone,
the battery has run out.
- Is she annoyed?
- No.
- She has outbursts.
- Yes, the sisters have a temper.
What's he doing?
This is a holdup!
Mad! I'm mad!
- You're...
You're hurting me!
Dammit.
It's me, Nata.
I knew it was you, dammit.
I saw you and I could smell you.
Dammit, look.
Well I never!
I don't understand.
Isn't this what you wanted?
- Not like this.
- How?
My love, it's okay.
How? Tell me.
As always, you're...
Not for this kind of thing...
Come on...
Hey, it's not funny, girl.
Honestly.
- No...
Alex.
Alex!
Just look at her.
If I'd known...
Fuck, he's cut me short.
Fuck!
And?
What do you reckon?
The shorts from Tangiers
aren't really fetish to be honest.
- I don't know what to wear.
- The party is Latex Disco.
- Yes.
- The dress code is:
Latex...
- We haven't got any.
No.
Fetish or complete nude.
We aren't going naked, I'm not.
- Fetish then.
- I don't know what it is.
High-heeled shoes...
I don't know either.
I'll die
if I see someone from the PTA.
Ana,
if you don't want to go, we won't.
Do you want to go or not?
- No!
- We won't go then.
Good evening.
Password?
- Beln didn't say.
- No.
It's "Adela told me" but it will do.
Come in.
Come in.
- Good evening.
- Hello.
- So, you're Belen's friends?
- Yes.
Well, there's the dressing room.
If you want towels or condoms,
just ask me.
- Thanks.
- Okay, bye for now.
Like this?
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Do I get changed here?
- Yes, right here.
-It's okay?
- Yes, it's okay.
- Don't leave your bag.
- No way.
Let's go.
Bloody hell!
What's he doing?
Fuck, there are all sorts here.
Carry on.
I'm dressed like Heidi,
I look like a...
Ass, ass, ass, ass.
Bloody hell!
Head for the bar, the bar.
What shall I get you?
Gin tonic.
A short one.
A short gin tonic
and a Brugal and Coke.
Right away.
Bloody hell.
Was that a girl?
- Possibly.
- That's a girl, Ana.
Here you are.
Gin tonic and Brugal.
Ten and ten, twenty.
Fancy a tear drop?
You don't come here to cry.
No, no.
- Twenty.
- Okay.
You don't know what it is.
They drug you and...
One to the left.
Don't look, don't look.
She's looking.
Don't look, don't look.
She's still looking.
- Don't you look.
Look, do you like those earrings?
No, that's enough.
Don't laugh,Paco.
It's a lack of respect.
Stop it, they'll throw us out.
Don't...
Leave it out or we're going.
- I'm going to the toilet.
- No, hey!
- A beer.
- Okay.
It's smoky.
Everything okay?
- It is now.
- Are you waiting?
- Yes.
Hey, mate,
can I ask you a question?
Sure.
Did you play in the five-a-side league
in Torrelodones?
Yes, I played last year.
- Last year.
- Yes, only two or three matches.
I played with you.
- Really?
- Yes.
Do you remember the match
when we thrashed you?
- Hell! It was 3-0.
- That one, that one.
Yes, right.
Of course. Yes, yes.
We couldn't have been worse.
Get on all fours, you whore,
I've been watching you a while.
- Want to try?
- No, thanks.
- Your turn, come on.
- No, thanks. Really.
- Go on.
- I'm fine here with my drink.
-It's easy.
- I've got a glass in my hand.
I can't, thanks.
It's the first time we've come here...
It's a curious place.
- Are you going for a pee?
- Yes, I am.
- Would you mind peeing on me?
- Sorry?
Could you pee on me?
No way, mate, I...
Those kinds of things...
I mean, I know people and that,
but I don't...
I have respect,
but I don't do it, I don't...
I mean, for friendship's sake.
Without...
We know each other,
we've played five-a-side together.
Yeah, sure, it's just that I...
I know it's daft, but...
I'm not used to it,
you know what I mean?
It's not that difficult, dammit.
It's just that...
It won't come out, mate.
I'm sorry.
Okay, fine.
No worries.
Did that hurt, sir?
Fine.
- You have to move your arm.
- No, I feel a bit dizzy.
- Are you all right? What's wrong?
- No, I feel a bit...
Ana?
Ana!
- Oh, Beln.
- What's happened?
- I'm a bit dizzy.
Come, come, come.
Come and sit down.
My God.
What has happened to you?
I don't know if it was the gin tonic,
or that man and his buttocks...
- Yes, it's all...
- The heat.
And the place is overwhelming,
perhaps, the first time.
Maybe.
- What a fright, Ana.
- Yes.
It was really.
- Have you come on your own?
- No, Paco is in the toilets.
He's taking so long.
Go on, mate, just a bit.
- Fuck...
- Go on.
Hang on.
- There.
- That's it?
Don't leave me like this, mate.
Go on, some more.
Now you're here, mate, give me some.
Come on, mate!
Come on! Do it, mate.
- No, you'll see...
Go, go, go.
So warm.
Those gin tonics.
My girl is young and doesn't drink.
It's really warm in here.
I'll tell them to turn on the air con,
it's so hot...
In the end...
- Thanks.
- No worries, mate.
- I'm grateful to you.
- That's okay.
Okay then.
Come over to Torrelodones
and we'll play a quick match.
- Sure, I'll see you there.
- Okay.
- See you.
- See you, mate. A pleasure.
- Well, if you ask me...
- We'll go, won't we?
- Yes. Come on.
- Let's go.
"Lord Jesus Christ,
you said to your apostles:
I leave you peace,
my peace I give you.
Look not on our sins,
but on the faith of your Church,
and grant peace
and unity of your kingdom
where you live forever and ever.
Amen.
The Peace of the Lord
be with you always."
- And also with you.
- Let's offer each other a sign of peace.
- Peace be with you.
- And also with you.
- Do you want some water?
- No.
Antonio, dear,
if you have to cry, cry.
There's nothing wrong in crying,
okay?
I don't want to cry anymore.
Who loves you?
- You.
- There you go.
Shall we watch a film
to keep you occupied?
The one about the lad in the war,
Life is Beautiful?
Or the one about the Germans,
Schindler's List?
No, forget films.
Football is on later.
Antonio,
you haven't eaten all day.
Honey, shall I do you
some tuna and onion?
Come and help me to peel and cut it.
Come on.
- No, I can't eat.
You eat whatever,
I'll have some melon or something.
Antonio.
Look what I've found.
What a shame.
Look.
What a pity.
Not even thirty.
Didn't smoke or drink.
Well I never.
Where's that from?
This?
Do you know
what his wife told me in church?
She's four months pregnant.
Antonio, darling.
Okay.
Let it out.
Okay, honey.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
- What the hell are you doing?
I'm not up to this.
Yes, yes, my girl.
Who loves you?
You understand me.
Blanki...
"Whilst you live under my roof,
knickers aren't sold in my house."
Do you know what?
She's gone to a friend's house.
She doesn't know me.
Come on, Maite,
the girl is an adult.
She earns some money
to pay for her studies,
she does no harm.
What's so bad?
She may enjoy it.
We're modern
with everything but our kids.
Pass me the chisel.
You have to respect
the fantasies of others.
God!
Lore, what time is it?
Almost one o'clock, madam.
It's very late.
- I've slept a lot, no?
- Yes, a lot, madam.
Would you like a coffee?
Lore, come here.
Come, please.
- Yes, madam.
Are you all right, madam?
No.
I don't feel well at all.
No.
Sit down a moment, please.
Well...
I feel odd.
I feel as though...
I have a sensation...
Nothing, forget it.
Go and prepare some coffee.
- Okay, madam.
Sir, I think madam is suspicious.
Of what?
Suspicious?
Nothing, sir.
Nothing, sorry.
One thing, sir.
Forget about the boob operation.
I haven't enough money to pay for it.
- How much have you got?
- Only one thousand euros.
Right.
We can sort that out.
- Thank you, sir.
Tell me,
have you got a boyfriend?
- Yes.
- Yes?
- Has your friend got a boyfriend?
- We have the same boyfriend.
Luna, I'm getting out,
I'm freezing to death.
Look at my hands,
all wrinkled, my God.
It's so cold!
Look at my...
I'm freezing.
- Let's have a water fight.
- Now?
Was the tabbouleh nice?
Nice and cool.
- Delicious.
Incredible, really.
Luna, you little bugger!
No!
Wait, mine doesn't work!
Take that!
- No. Hey!
My God!
It's freezing!
Take that!
- No. Hey!
I'm winning.
Luna, I'll get stomach cramp!
Please!
Okay, okay.
Luna! That's enough!
Okay!
Siesta, no?
It's late, it's hot.
- Right, yes.
Come on, Luna.
Let's have a nap.
No, Ana, I'll take her.
I'll have a little nap too.
Right, love, sleep time.
We'll carry on tomorrow.
Up you get!
I'll take this little rat.
Oh, my God!
God, I'm so hot.
Paco, we have to talk.
- What about?
- Beln.
She gets me going.
Gets you going where?
She turns me on.
I like her...
You mean you like her...
in an erotic fantasy way
or you really like her?
In the sadist party,
she gave me a bit of a kiss.
- What, what, what?
- A little kiss, Paco.
She gave me a kiss
and it kind of affected me.
Since when have you liked women?
No, I'm confused.
No, it's not that I...
I don't know, I've no idea.
As a girl,
I remember kissing, to try.
But not...
I don't know what it is.
Ana, are you telling me...
you're a lesbian?
- No.
- That might be what's wrong with us.
No, I wanted to tell you.
I didn't want to keep it to myself.
We're doing
that shit therapy like idiots.
No, I'm sure I want to be with you.
If I'm lesbian, I'll bear it.
I don't know.
But...
- No, leave me.
Can you pass me
the photo with no filter?
I've told you dozens of times.
- I already have.
- No, with no filter.
- I'll send it, wait.
Okay.
How nice.
This will get me lots of likes,
which is what I like.
Followers no, likes yes.
Of course.
Adriana and David are getting married,
and he's a haemophiliac.
If they love each other.
Yes.
I think the same.
Darling, why don't you fart with me?
Not that again.
That's enough, please.
- Why?
- They don't come.
Have you farted with others?
No.
I don't know,
in my sleep maybe.
I don't know,
I think that when a couple
crosses the fart barrier,
things are progressing.
So, you think farting
is a sign that...?
Give me time...
and one day...
I'll give you something else, look.
- Yes?
- Yes.
What?
I don't know if you'll like it.
I don't believe it.
Really?
- It might not be the right choice.
- Yes.
- Earrings!
- Yes.
- I love them!
- Tell the camera you like them.
I love the earrings.
Can I ask you a question?
- Yes, sure.
Have you ever been with a prostitute?
Who told you that?
That's a yes.
No, but I don't know
why you're asking me.
- Yes or no?
- No, I haven't.
We went to a whorehouse
in Tenerife, in Tacoronte once,
to have a drink, but that was all.
In fact,
there was a girl called "The Syphon".
Because she sucked them...
and squirted the sperm through her nose.
It's great.
- Awful.
Where did your sister get that
about Alejandro Magno being gay?
I don't know,
she must have seen a documentary.
That's my sister.
Well, she's wrong,
internet says he was bisexual.
Got a coin for the car park?
No, we haven't, no.
We've nothing.
Come on, you must have.
Give him whatever.
Here, thirty euros.
It's all I have.
You've nothing else?
I said I've given you all I had.
You've got something else.
Wait, wait.
Alejandro!
Alejandro!
Alejandro!
Alejandro!
Alejandro!
When I was fifteen I liked my teacher.
At twenty, Italians.
Then you go the gynaecologist
and you fall in love with him.
Now I'm fifty, thirty-year-old guys.
Calm down, it's polyester.
It's polyester.
It might be polyester.
It's polyester. It's polyester.
No... It's silk.
It's silk.
It's silk.
Calm down, don't do it.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.
I'm great.
- How many brothers have you got?
- There are four of us.
- Have you got children?
- No, I haven't.
- Why? Are you too young?
- Yes, I'm young.
I can't tell with the Chinese.
I'm not Chinese, I'm Ecuadoran.
You look Chinese.
Oh, Toi.
What's wrong?
What?
Hang on, Chink.
The dog has escaped?
Toi, the one favour I ask you.
Listen to me carefully,
Antonio must never know
that I left the dog with you.
No.
Whatever happens,
the dog has never been in your house.
Swear to me.
Let me hear you swear to me, Toi.
If it turns up, call me.
If not, don't call me, I'll call you.
Antonio.
Any news?
Any news about the dog?
Has anyone called?
Where were you?
- Where?
- Where the hell have you been?
Sticking the dog posters up.
Bollocks!
The dog posters? What's this?
Can you explain it to me?
I found it in a dustbin.
Explain it to me.
Where's Blanki?
- Antonio...
- What have you done with the dog?
You think
I've done something to the dog?
It kills me.
- Don't lie to me.
Don't lie.
Antonio.
I swear by my grandmother's grave
I don't know where the dog is.
I don't know what's wrong
but you've been odd for days.
You don't fool me,
something is going on.
What the hell is going on?
Tell me.
Antonio, I don't know how to.
I knew there was something.
I knew it.
I should have told you
the first day, Antonio.
I'm dead scared.
I'm not well.
I'm ill.
It's not cancer...
Cancer?
Yes, it's cancer.
They've found a lump in my breast,
they're doing tests and things, but...
It's cancer.
I'm so sorry.
Everything will be all right.
You'll see.
It doesn't look good, Antonio.
No.
- No.
- No.
Antonio, Antonio, Antonio...
Antonio!
Password.
Stop messing.
Open up, it's me.
Can I talk to you a minute?
- Yes.
There's a furry party, but come in.
- These guys?
- They like this lark.
What's up, Paco?
You've got me...
- Hasn't Ana said anything?
- Ana? No, what about?
No?
What's happened?
No, this afternoon she told me...
that you turn her on.
- What?
- She likes you.
She gets horny with you.
- Me?
- You, you.
Seriously?
How sweet.
I can't believe it.
What did she say about me?
I had an erotic dream
about her the other day.
But real, real, real.
We sucked boobs
and ate pussy on your terrace.
Like real.
Titch, do you think
what I'm telling you is normal?
Sorry, it wasn't the right time.
How did all this come about?
- I don't know, you tell me.
You kissed her,
the other night in here.
- Again, again...
- No, Beln.
No, Paco, again?
- Again?
- We know each other.
Exactly, we know each other.
I can't believe it.
I kissed her, Paco,
I kissed your wife,
she was stumbling around
in a real dizzy state.
A kiss to comfort her, not...
A comfort kiss, a...
No tongue or...
Like this...
Girl, don't kiss me,
I'm already in a mess,
and this tops it all.
- Sorry, sorry.
Sorry.
- People don't keep to the rules.
Honey,
put this on at least,
you're the odd one out.
When did she start?
- Did she...?
- She never has, as far as I know.
She isn't lesbian with me,
she's normal with me.
But, have you ever...?
I mean,
there are sometimes signs, right?
- Signs of what?
- Signs...
that she likes women perhaps.
Other than her strange way
of giving me a blow job.
No, Beln.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm not saying...
No, no, no.
No, no, listen, honey.
She might be bi.
Bi?
I hope so, you know what I mean?
I hope so.
Hey, please, no.
Hey, I'm telling you.
If you want lemons, ask me for them.
They take lemons like...
I think the one in pink
is Lucia Etxebarria.
Go to bed with her.
- With who?
With Ana.
Go to bed with her.
What?
- Beln, listen a minute.
- Paco...
Listen to me, titch.
She has to try it.
And who better than you, girl?
You're a pal.
Titch, you've touched a lot.
You know how to touch,
and you can tell if she is or not.
- Paco, those games...
I get affectionate too soon.
I fall in love quickly, I can't...
Beln, I'm pleading you.
Do you think I'm not scared?
I'm scared shitless.
Paco, honey,
you've put me up in your house,
given me a roof, food...
If you want me
to go to bed with your wife,
I'll go to bed with her,
nothing more to be said.
Come on, my sweetie.
- Again.
- Sorry.
Come on, let's have a drink.
No,no,no.
These are very big.
They wouldn't look right on you.
But please, sir,
I want to have big boobs.
Have you seen this cup size?
Heads up.
Where have you been?
In the clinic.
What's wrong?
That's what I say, what's wrong?
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
Well then, you can explain this to me.
This.
Lingerie, 150?.
Body oils, 65?.
Erotic toys, 200?.
What's this, Jos Luis?
Do you think I'm daft?
Who is she?
Is she from the clinic?
Is she younger than me?
Prettier?
What's more...
a coward.
She isn't younger than you.
Or prettier.
But she doesn't humiliate me
or harp on at me.
She lets me hug and kiss her at night.
Son of a bitch.
Don't you realise, Paloma?
You haven't found out yet?
It's you!
These drops make you sleep every night.
And I get pleasure from you.
So much.
Almost like before the accident.
I could report you.
You'll report me?
Report me.
What will you tell the Police?
What will you tell them?
That your husband kisses you at night?
Is that what you'll say?
That your idiot husband
stays awake at night
because he desires you?
That your idiot husband loves you?
Report me.
Go on, report me.
Sir, sir.
Our thing will still go ahead,
won't it?
Okay.
- Antonio?
- Where are you?
I'm going for the test results.
- To hospital on your own?
- I want to go alone.
- I would've gone with you.
- No, I'll call you later.
I'll call you and tell you.
- Call me.
Yes, I'll call you later.
Thank you.
What's she doing?
What?
What? The fucking...
Fuck.
CALL ME, IF YOU LOVE ME.
Antonio, what's wrong?
That message?
Antonio, what's wrong?
Exactly, what's up?
- Calm down, Antonio.
- Calm down...
Calm down.
I swear I was going for the results.
I swear on my mother.
- Yeah.
And they've sent it in a...
by WhatsApp.
I'm fine.
I'm okay, I haven't got anything.
The biopsy was fine,
everything was fine.
I'm clear Antonio.
Show me.
What?
The WhatsApp.
I want to see it.
Candela!
Candela!
Hello.
Mara Candelaria Rodrguez Costa.
- That's me.
- Are you her husband?
Well, it looks as though
you are responsible for her fainting.
- Me?
- She's pregnant.
What?
Congratulations.
- Excuse me, room 203?
- Yes, over there.
The second on the left.
- Thank you.
Alejandro.
Alex.
What happened?
Last night,
when we went to the car park,
we were robbed and you bumped your head.
But there's nothing wrong,
everything is okay.
There is something wrong, Nata.
I prepared it all.
Yes, I know.
Fuck.
We'd practised it loads of times.
What's more,
they were good actors from drama school.
I think I overacted, Natalia.
They were meant to hit me
with a fake bottle.
I don't know what happened,
because my nose...
That doesn't matter,
I have to tell you something.
What?
I have to tell you something
and I don't know how,
because it's embarrassing,
but I have to tell you.
Natalia, don't scare me.
What happened to me
at the petrol station has a name.
It's called harpaxophilia.
I know it's that because in my family
there are a series of sexual paraphiles
which are repeated in the females.
For example,
my grandmother liked cripples.
Do you remember my lame grandad?
Yes.
Or my sister, who has dendrophilia.
- Are you serious?
- I get it a bit in summer.
- What is it?
- Well...
you get aroused by plants.
- Oh, my word!
- By all kinds of plants.
Forgive me, please.
I'm so sorry.
I should have told you before,
but I didn't know how to.
Now look...
- Okay, Nata, don't worry.
Nata, don't worry.
It's fine.
Okay?
- I'm sorry.
What concerns me,
last night, in the car park...
Did you like it?
- Yes.
But, did you come?
Yes.
A lot.
- That's it then, Natalia.
That's it.
Pass me my rucksack.
- The rucksack.
- Okay.
I've got something here.
No more surprises, please.
Natalia Figueroa y Dos Sicilias,
will you marry me,
fuck with flowers,
come in car parks,
and fart with me the rest of your life
till your grandmother do us part?
Yes, yes!
Here.
Sorry, sorry.
I'm going to have a fig.
I'm full.
I'm so tired.
I'm going to lie down for a while,
I'm working tonight
and I feel a wreck.
Okay.
I'm going to...
I'll be with Rafa all afternoon,
I'll see you later.
Have a lie down if you want.
I'm going!
POLYAMORY
STABLE INTIMATE/SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS
BETWEEN THREE OR MORE PEOPLE
Hi, good afternoon,
my name's Sandra.
Tell me the number
you would like to contact with.
Welcome to Hot Bitches.
Is this the first time you've called?
Seriously?
Sorry, are you there?
- Hello, good afternoon.
- Hello, good afternoon.
I'm calling from a centre...
offering video interpreting calls
for deaf people.
Fine, what kind of girl
do you want to talk to?
Who do you want to talk to?
What are the options?
What are the options?
University students,
big boobs, transexuals,
lesbians, Asians, dwarfs,
droopy fanny, vaginoplasty, classic sadism,
and more contemporary
sadism if you like.
Witch from the Middle Ages
on a cross with five men torturing her?
Heterosexual blondes only.
Well, blondes then.
With blondes, please.
Hold the line,
I'll put you through.
Hello, I'm Full of Life,
but you can call me Full.
Yes, good afternoon, Full.
- Oh, you're a girl.
- Yes.
It's my first time with a girl.
What do you want me to do?
- No, it isn't for me.
I'm making
a video call with a deaf person
and he's asked me
to translate it into sign language.
- Deaf?
- Yes.
Oh, okay, okay, okay.
So, I talk to you,
and you translate in sign language?
Exactly.
What is she saying?
I can say some words in sign language.
I can say "cunt face".
- Yes.
And ham.
- Good.
- But you can't see me.
Hey, what's the lad like?
Is he handsome?
Yes, yes, he's...
- He's cute.
- Ask him if it's hard.
- What?
- If he's got a hard on.
Have you got a hard on?
Say yes.
He has, he has.
Tell him I'm going to put
his enormous hard shaft
in my pursed lips.
- Fine.
Tell him I've got lips from the '20s,
like a silent-movie actress.
Tell him.
Tell her
to spit on my dick and lick it.
No, no, no.
Please, I'm a poor, lonely deaf boy.
You're very cheeky.
- Hello?
- Yes, I'm still here. Tell me.
Yes, I'll explain, he wants you...
to lick his penis.
Of course I'll lick his penis,
I'll put it in my mouth.
And I'll tongue it.
Is his pink
or more of a depigmented tan?
Because I like them all.
My cunt lips are throbbing.
They're burning.
Oh, it's so hot.
It's so hot.
So hot.
It's so hot.
Shit!
Keep him occupied a minute.
- Please, don't hang up.
- Why?
For fuck's sake...
Tell her I want to shag her hard.
No, no...
She says...
She prefers it softly first
and harder after.
Ask her if she wants me
to put it up her ass.
She prefers to snuggle up now,
and cuddle...
How do you know?
You haven't even asked her.
Go on, ask her.
"I want to put it up your ass."
- Sorry, are you still there?
- Yes, of course.
Sorry, I've had
a domestic accident in my house.
Does he want me to carry on sucking it?
I don't think so,
he's putting it up your ass.
I don't care, woman,
ask him.
Fine.
Do you want me to suck it?
After putting it up her ass
she wants to suck it?
Giggles, right?
You playing a joke?
You think it's funny, do you?
You're one big son of a bitch.
I believed the bit about the deaf lad
and my kitchen
went up in flames, bitch.
Fuck your bloody mother
and that deaf lad's too.
Son of a bitch!
Drop dead, bitch!
I'll slit your throat to your cunt!
What the...
She hung up.
Sorry for bothering you.
No worries, it's been...
very interesting.
Interesting.
Need anything else?
Any more work?
Not for the minute.
Don't hang up then, please.
What are you doing?
Studying for Civil Service exams.
Go for it.
Aren't you going out today?
Maybe, it's the local festivals.
It's hard to sleep with the noise.
I live in the area.
I know.
How do you know?
I've seen you round there.
I've never seen you.
I've seen you...
a lot.
Sorry, I have to go.
Good luck with the exam.
If I pass it will be thanks to you.
Three.
Three.
Only with three numbers
we give out the tablet.
Come on, ladies, gentlemen,
we're giving them away!
We're giving them away!
I'm going to be a father.
So there, man.
Antonio!
The dog, Blanki!
Antonio!
I've told her you're both my partner
but she doesn't understand.
How can she understand it?
- Melting pot.
- So many.
Yes, yes.
Look, candy floss.
- And apples.
- Yes.
- Carnations.
- Do you want some, darling?
I found my sister getting off
with a calabash when I was 15.
- No!
- Yes.
Come on, come on.
Up you come.
Up you come.
Come on, that's it.
A drum!
What?
What do you want?
KIKI, LOVE TO LOVE
That was good.
Good, good.
Good or what?
Like a bull?
- A fighting bull.
Really good.
Or more of a lion, or what?
Do you want me to give you a score?
Really good.
End of story.
- What's wrong, Natalia?
- Nothing.
I was just saying...
Well, just...
What's up?
I can't stop thinking
about the petrol station.
Seriously, are you thinking
about that now, Natalia?
It's over now.
I didn't tell you everything.
I went to the petrol station
with a 200? note
to get change.
I'd had it ages
and I wanted it changed.
I bought an ice cream
but the girl wouldn't change it.
- You've nothing smaller?
- No.
- We don't take 200? notes.
- I've no change.
I'll take a card but...
A man came up from behind
and grabbed me
and asked the cashier for the money.
- Open the till or I'll stab her!
- I can't open it.
They started arguing
and he put a knife to my throat.
At first I was really scared.
But then...
I started feeling something down below.
Like heat rising and rising
and I didn't know why,
and I was getting aroused.
I was aroused.
And I was coming and coming and...
I came.
HARPAXOPHILIA
ATTRACTION PRODUCED ON BEING MUGGED
OR ROBBED WITH VIOLENCE
You came?
I came right there, Alex.
You came, but how?
Like with me now?
No. More!
More!
I didn't know what was happening.
I couldn't control it,
it came up from below
and then went downwards,
it was the situation,
not knowing what was going on.
- You came a lot?
- Loads.
I don't know, Natalia...
I don't...
I don't know what to say...
Nothing.
You don't have to say anything.
You just said that last week
you had the biggest shag of your life
with another guy.
What can I say?
Nothing.
I didn't see his face, Alex.
You get off sucking a foot,
and I get off with that.
Sure, it's the same.
Exactly the same.
I can't tell you anything!
Honestly...
My name is Paco.
She's Ana.
We have a five-year-old daughter,
Luna.
- We've been together...
- For eight years now.
We aren't here because we have doubts
whether we want to stay together or not.
We don't doubt our love.
- Good.
I want you to think
about what could be improved
in sexual terms.
He's a bit reserved,
perhaps because he's Andalusian.
He's never been to therapy,
he's got them all.
And in my case, I have,
I've done a bit.
Good.
Things to improve?
Well...
- Speak up.
- Yes, we can talk about it.
Yes.
Her blow jobs...
aren't good.
I think.
I mean...
They could be better, you know?
I don't know.
Anything to say to him, Ana?
No, it comes as a surprise.
It's odd that he tells you,
a complete stranger,
and he hasn't told me in all this time.
It seems a bit like wasted time.
He tells me how
and I do it as he says.
It didn't come up in conversation.
She doesn't do it badly,
I like it.
But...
She sucks the bell end.
The... the glans.
The... She licks it.
But I've seen on films
it's more deep throat, not so...
You know?
The shaft is sensitive too,
I don't know.
Can you remember any other fellatio
which is more satisfactory
than what Ana does?
Well...
Excuse me, isn't this more like
individual therapy keep asking him?
- No.
- I'm asking
because I'm not sure
I want to hear all this.
- I shouldn't have said anything.
- Yes, carry on.
Say it and I'll change it, fine.
Because...
It comes to mind,
thinking out loud, perhaps...
My grandmother used to get jaw lock.
So perhaps,
when it comes to doing, let's say,
doing it deep throat,
I hold back through fear
of getting jaw lock.
That's what first comes to mind.
It could be that.
- Maybe.
- He's got things too.
- Come on, then.
- He doesn't take time, you know?
- Yes.
He gets straight in there,
as if I were a walking genital organ.
- You know?
- Yes.
It's odd.
Please, stay calm.
Take it easy.
It is absolutely normal
in a couple that has been together
for such time.
Of course, the flame dies.
But,
if there is wood,
if there is a spark and a will,
everything can start burning again.
There are hidden philias,
desires which we ignore.
I would suggest
you investigate your own sexuality.
Trust me.
There's so much to do.
You carry on.
I'll start now.
- Are you starting?
- Yes, but...
- Go on.
- No, no. You carry on, I'll...
Slut.
Slut.
Little whore.
No, wait.
Better in... Better in...
Little whore.
You're a little slut.
I want you to fill me.
- To fill you?
- Completely.
- You're turning me on, you know?
- Me too.
You want meat and tomatoes, right?
- Do you like...?
- I want some rod.
You want my rod, right?
There...
- Say things to me as well.
- Pig.
- I'm a pig?
- A stinking pig.
Stinking?
- Sorry.
- What do you mean, stinking?
Is stinking nice?
It that sexy, woman?
Stinking?
I don't know,
it just came out.
Why?
Do I smell or something?
Come here.
- But, stinking...
- Paco.
I can't believe it.
Stop it, you're killing the moment.
- Take it seriously.
- I was taking it seriously.
Well, you weren't exactly...
I mean... No?
- I'm taking it seriously.
Yes, but you say things too, don't you?
You said things too.
- But what I said...
If we're all so, so...
So playboy, right?
Fine.
- The doorbell.
- Well, that's it.
- Are you going to answer?
- Yes.
Hi, is Paco in?
Forgive me, really.
- No.
What a scene.
I've barged in, Paco,
and I'm not like that, you know that.
I really do apologise.
- What has happened?
- Nothing has happened.
They are going to operate
Weirdo's leg, Paco.
And the poor thing is having
a really bad, bad, bad, bad time.
She fell to pieces
and started to cry on me,
and I gave her a kiss.
Paco, a little kiss.
Well, Rebe went mad.
Mad.
She started calling me
"whore" and "slut"...
She's thrown me out.
Over a kiss.
A little kiss, Paco.
After all I've done for her.
You can't imagine
all that I've done for her.
When she asked me to piss on her,
I pissed on her.
And I don't like all that, Paco.
God knows, Paco,
I'm not like that.
When she took to bondage,
and she had me tied up,
I was tied up like a pig,
I did it.
I... I did it...
because I wanted to as well.
I must confess that I did too.
I did whatever she asked me, but...
Modern for some things,
old-fashioned for others.
That's it.
Did she ask you to piss on her?
To piss on her.
And she pissed on me too.
I hate to remember, Paco,
the day we ate asparagus.
Asparagus makes it stink.
- It makes urine smell...
- Yes.
- It does.
- And it's immediate.
Odd, isn't it?
- Yes, it stinks...
It really stinks.
Asparagus doesn't smell,
not even grilled,
but it doesn't half cause a smell.
- Direct.
Direct.
Direct onto my face.
Right?
My problem is, Ana,
I'm a very affectionate person.
I get affectionate quickly, Ana.
- Always.
Always.
After two beers I could snog my mother.
But people don't understand that.
- No.
Madrid seems very modern.
But Madrid isn't modern.
No.
Remember
when I came up from Seville, Paco?
I came empty handed.
My poor thing...
I didn't know how to eat pussy.
And look at me now.
I've tasted all kinds, right?
- That's true.
-It's true.
Do you remember
when we hooked up at the Seville Fair?
Remember?
- Yes.
Have you told Ana?
- No.
- No?
Hasn't he told you?
- No, never.
We were kids...
We were kids,
real hippies, real hippies.
Do you remember?
In the communist tent.
- In the cubicle.
In the cubicle, round the back.
Hey, I haven't told you...
I've got a job.
I've been working
in a sex club for a month.
- As a whore?
- A whore? Hell, Paco...
You tell me.
As a waitress, dammit.
As a waitress in a sex club,
it's great.
- What's it like?
- Have you never been?
No.
Well, it's a kind of pub,
a nightclub.
But there are theme parties.
They might do swinging couples,
gays, lesbians, latex,
fetish competitions...
There are sometimes
strange things as well.
But generally,
there's a great atmosphere.
I'm getting to know interesting people.
The other day, Snchez Drag came.
Your phone.
Where the fuck...?
It's Rebe.
Excuse me.
What?
Wait a minute.
We don't make the most of Madrid.
Antonio?
Come here, come here.
Come here, quick.
- Wait.
- Yes.
There.
Antonio, you know I'm not ovulating.
Yes, but it seemed a shame to waste it,
you never know.
How was your day?
Fine.
It's always the same.
Two days before ovulating,
we do it in the morning,
we do it at night...
In the position that you recommended.
It's been...
I don't know, two years.
Almost two years,
and it's tiring.
Yet I do everything.
I eat everything,
I hadn't eaten vegetables in my life.
Or fruit.
I'm stuffing myself
with folic acid and proteins.
I haven't been like this ever.
Everything is fine, Mara Candelaria.
There is no physiological problem.
Look,
what I want you to understand is that...
the body isn't a perfect machine.
Sometimes, things simply don't turn out.
I can't understand.
It's been two years,
and for my head...
I'm in a state, a real state...
Do you reach orgasm during coitus?
Orgasm?
Do you usually have an orgasm
when you have intercourse?
Orgasm?
I think I've had one.
When I have intercourse?
Yes, I think so.
I mean recently,
since you've been trying
to get pregnant.
I won't mislead you, doctor.
Not since I got married.
No.
Is it bad?
Perhaps we ought to look into that.
It's clear that the orgasm helps
in becoming pregnant.
The vaginal spasms
help the sperm to reach the egg.
Of course.
I'll bear it in mind.
Here, kid.
Take this.
Go and get another one, it's broken.
How did it go?
- I don't know. Fine.
The endometrium is okay.
Everything is fine.
The cervical mucus?
That's just it,
everything is fine.
Everything looks to be fine.
Well, that's good.
The only thing she said is that...
it's easier to get pregnant
if you have an orgasm.
You always have one, don't you?
That's it then.
That's it.
Hi, kid.
Carlota, how are you?
Who's going to kiss that face?
What?
How did it happen?
- She's done a poo.
- I'll change her nappy.
- Yes.
Okay.
What's wrong, Antonio?
Csar has just phoned.
Paquito has been killed
on his motorbike.
Antonio...
DACRYPHILIA
SEXUAL PLEASURE
CAUSED BY SEEING SOMEONE CRY
I've never seen you cry.
Calm down, love.
It's okay, my love.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
What are you doing?
Again?
Don't even think of it.
Don't dream of it.
SOMNOPHILIA
SEXUAL AROUSAL CAUSED
WHILST WATCHING A PERSON SLEEP
Right, we're done.
Sew her up, bandage her up
and take her to the ward.
- Okay, Tramadol or Nolotil?
- Tramadol.
Quite a lot has come out in the end.
The operation seemed to last for ages...
I don't know if you were slow
or I have to stop
operating in high heels.
What have we got tomorrow?
Two lipos
and a vaginoplasty first thing.
First thing.
I don't know how you can operate a pussy
without having a coffee first.
I haven't told you about Diana,
my daughter.
She's selling.
- Really?
Yes, I'm really happy.
I'm so proud.
She has her own business online.
She's selling
used knickers on the Internet.
Knickers?
Knickers, knickers.
Her used knickers.
She is.
She has her own website:
Diana'sKnickers.com.
Men contact her
and she meets up with them.
She takes them off right there
and hands them over.
And I say to her,
"Well, Diana, let's see...
How much do you sell them for?"
She says,
"They've paid
up to 150?
for ones with a bit of shit on."
I say,
"With shit on, Diana?"
She says,
"Yes, they ask for all sorts.
Requests vary from person to person."
She talks in such a professional manner
you're dumbstruck.
"You're getting
all wound up over nothing.
It's a really common fetish.
Sniffing the female
is an ancient custom."
That fuckwit
gets anthropological on me.
I felt like giving her
a good open-handed smack.
Sodding hell.
Wait a minute, let me see this...
Now Gonzalo, he wants...
an opportunity.
You'll drive your bloody mother mad.
You'll drive me bloody mad...
Sorry, Jos Luis.
I'm not well.
No, I'm not well.
Neither Fentanyl,
nor Propofol, nor anything.
Right now,
I've got to a point...
that I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong,
because...
I don't know.
Well, what about you?
You look very tired, Jos Luis.
Are you sleeping well?
- No.
No.
You almost fell asleep
in the operating theatre.
- I slept two hours.
- What's going on?
Well...
I'll give you some drops
which are stronger than Flunitrazepam.
Apparently it caused
malformations in foetus.
A few claims from patients
and they shit themselves.
But you aren't going to be a mother
so take six drops.
Don't take more, because...
You might kick the bucket,
like Michael.
This is marvellous, you rest...
- Maite, I'm not taking anything.
Do you want it to happen again?
By the way,
how's your wife?
Yes...
Oh, yes, yes, look...
In Chusmari's manor, with the master.
The year we met.
We used to dance so many Pasodobles.
Do you like the Pasodoble?
- No.
- I don't know.
- Of course, naturally.
The Pasodoble is from one's roots,
from the blood.
You have to feel it.
You can't get it with a passport.
Yes.
I don't believe it.
With the master here,
the year we met.
Dancing Pasodobles.
I have another...
Yes, at Pipo's wedding,
the two of us...
- No, no, madam.
- I'm okay, I'm okay.
- No, no.
- I've made progress.
Madam!
Madam!
What's happened? Let me see.
Paloma, are you all right?
Up you get.
Up you get, Paloma.
Are you all right?
Paloma?
Paloma.
Can't you see?
Sir, I'm so sorry.
Don't worry,
you know what she's like.
Okay.
Sir, one question.
How much does a boob operation cost?
- Do you want a bust implant?
- Yes, sir.
Between six and eight thousand euros.
Okay.
But for you,
we can do it for four thousand.
Right, sir.
I'll save up.
- Very well.
- Thank you, sir.
You're welcome.
Everything is okay.
I'll do it, I'll do it.
Catalonia...
Lore, what do you think of Catalonia?
- Catalonia, madam?
Nothing, madam.
Fine.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
How did you sleep?
Fine.
Yes, I slept well.
Especially well.
Although it hurts a bit here.
As if I've bumped my head.
- Sir, here's your coffee.
- Thank you.
I'm going,
I'll see you later.
Don't be late.
- Why not?
- Nothing.
- You must have said it for some reason.
- No.
- Are you sure it's nothing?
- I said "nothing".
Don't,
you'll rub my cream off.
- Goodbye, Lore.
- Goodbye, sir. Have a nice day.
One thing.
I've been thinking and...
I think we can do the implants
for two thousand euros.
What do you think? Good?
- Good, sir. Thank you.
No.
Thanks to you.
Right, you stay here,
you've messed me up more than once.
I'll be right back.
What do you do?
I run my own business,
with an associate.
Events.
I thought I'd told you when we chatted.
And business parties...
- Yes, party tricks.
I'm not into parties
and alcohol or drugs.
No, I mean...
There are no drugs, as far as I know.
Yes, and any hang-ups?
- I don't know.
- You must have one.
Off the top of my head,
I don't know, the usual stuff.
Usual... like everyone.
Like everyone, nothing shameful.
Sure.
- Do you?
- Yes.
You see, since I was a child,
I've had a cloth that I call Wee-wee.
Wee-wee?
Without it,
I can't sleep or calm myself down.
I take it with me everywhere
because it has become
one of my greatest pleasures.
For everything.
- Yes, sure.
- Yes.
Of course.
I'm very fussy about fabric.
- I can see that.
- Very particular.
Polyester?
I don't know.
- You don't know?
- No.
- You bought it... any old how.
- I don't know, I liked it.
Wee-wee is silk.
But a bit of a silk mix.
- Right.
-It's perfect.
Shall I show it to you?
What?
The cloth.
Here it is.
Look.
Close your eyes.
- What?
- Wow!
Soft.
I hold it like this,
on this side.
Suddenly...
TEXTOPHILIA
SEXUAL ATTRACTION
TOWARDS CERTAIN FABRICS
What's funny?
Nothing.
- You're laughing at me.
- I'm not laughing.
It's something...
intimate that I'm showing you
and you shouldn't laugh.
- I'm not.
- I didn't laugh at you.
I'm not laughing, honestly.
- Am I odd?
- No...
I'm not odd.
I've got my hang-ups and I'm different,
but I'm not odd.
Perhaps you're the one
who isn't very different.
I've seen lots of people like you,
with your fringe and your moustache.
It's fine, really.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, believe me.
I'm comfortable.
Very comfortable right now.
Really, don't worry.
I'm fine here...
Christ almighty!
Well, today will be quick.
Greta, Javier. Javier, Greta.
It gave me...
a real fright, to be honest.
I'd seen some,
but not that big.
It's enormous.
I mean, I love animals.
I studied Biology.
I didn't finish it.
I had an iguana when I was a kid.
I remember once
I had it on my shoulder and it crapped.
It crapped loads.
It did an enormous crap.
The crap was as big as its body.
Since then,
every time I see an iguana,
I always imagine
it's crap will be as big as its body.
Roughly.
It's as if I dump
and it measures 180cm.
What?
The thing about the iguana.
How long have you had it?
Greta?
- Are you okay?
- No, no. What's wrong?
Calm down,
I just wanted to know its age...
I can't hear you.
I can't hear you because I'm deaf.
The battery is running out,
I'll go and change it.
And since we're talking about things,
apart from the hearing aid,
I'm a coeliac, my feet smell
and I'm lactose intolerant...
There's a taxi rank just in this street,
in case you're in a rush or whatever.
I've got a present.
No!
- No!
- Oh, yes!
- What a time in London.
- Oh, God.
What a disgusting village.
Nata!
We're coming!
- Gorgeous!
- I love you!
- How's it going with this one?
- He has a name,
Alex.
Really good.
I'm so in love, Asun.
I'd never felt like this.
I'm kind of connected to him.
He spoils me, looks after me,
I love him,
he loves me, he treats me well...
- Great.
- Almost a year now.
He's lasting a long time, then,
given what you're like.
He's going to ask me to marry him.
- What?
- On Saturday.
It's our anniversary,
we're having dinner.
I think he'll ask me.
I'm longing for it,
but I don't want it to show.
But...
You haven't told him about us, have you?
About what?
I told him about the petrol station.
Are you stupid or what?
Why did you tell him?
They needn't know everything.
Besides, what was it?
A bit of harpaxophilia?
That's all, because they attacked you
and we realised.
-It's not just harpaxophilia.
- Well,
you get dendrophilia occasionally
when the summers are intense.
Nothing else.
I didn't tell Fernando anything.
Nothing at all until over a year.
I told him about gran,
he still doesn't believe it.
Well, I'm not like you,
I don't think that's right.
If you're too sincere,
you'll get nowhere.
Look, Pichu, I hope I'm wrong,
but this guy won't marry you.
- Why?
- He looks like a whoremonger.
- What?
- I'm telling you, I know these things.
You don't even know him.
If I'm wrong, at your hen party,
I'll wear a dick on my head.
There you go.
How's Natalia?
Great, what can I say?
Well...
Besides,
Natalia looks to be a bit prude
but then she surprises you.
You know...?
- There's still a lot to surprise you.
- Really?
- Yes, these sisters are...
tremendous.
- Yes?
- Tremendous.
- Sure.
And it's not me.
This comes from way back.
It runs in the family.
- Yes.
- You know?
I think I get you.
There's nothing more to be said then.
You know what I'm talking about...
No?
- Yes, yes.
Look here, listen carefully.
If they get something into their heads,
you can't refuse,
you can't say no.
I almost got divorced.
- Seriously?
- Seriously.
- Hi.
- Hi, love.
I'll leave this over here.
How are you?
- Chardonnay.
So, has he pestered you with the birds?
No, I like them actually.
Yes, I'm sure you think
we're a mad family.
No, no.
Which do you prefer?
Alex or Alejandro?
- Alejandro, I don't know.
- Like Alejandro Magno.
No?
- Yes.
He was gay.
Did you know that?
- No, I didn't.
Now you know.
Well, when is the wedding?
The wedding?
Well...
I don't think
we're the marriage type, are we?
Eh?
If you say so.
Or are we, my love?
Yes, we aren't the marriage type.
That's all.
- Nata.
I'm going to charge my phone,
the battery has run out.
- Is she annoyed?
- No.
- She has outbursts.
- Yes, the sisters have a temper.
What's he doing?
This is a holdup!
Mad! I'm mad!
- You're...
You're hurting me!
Dammit.
It's me, Nata.
I knew it was you, dammit.
I saw you and I could smell you.
Dammit, look.
Well I never!
I don't understand.
Isn't this what you wanted?
- Not like this.
- How?
My love, it's okay.
How? Tell me.
As always, you're...
Not for this kind of thing...
Come on...
Hey, it's not funny, girl.
Honestly.
- No...
Alex.
Alex!
Just look at her.
If I'd known...
Fuck, he's cut me short.
Fuck!
And?
What do you reckon?
The shorts from Tangiers
aren't really fetish to be honest.
- I don't know what to wear.
- The party is Latex Disco.
- Yes.
- The dress code is:
Latex...
- We haven't got any.
No.
Fetish or complete nude.
We aren't going naked, I'm not.
- Fetish then.
- I don't know what it is.
High-heeled shoes...
I don't know either.
I'll die
if I see someone from the PTA.
Ana,
if you don't want to go, we won't.
Do you want to go or not?
- No!
- We won't go then.
Good evening.
Password?
- Beln didn't say.
- No.
It's "Adela told me" but it will do.
Come in.
Come in.
- Good evening.
- Hello.
- So, you're Belen's friends?
- Yes.
Well, there's the dressing room.
If you want towels or condoms,
just ask me.
- Thanks.
- Okay, bye for now.
Like this?
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Do I get changed here?
- Yes, right here.
-It's okay?
- Yes, it's okay.
- Don't leave your bag.
- No way.
Let's go.
Bloody hell!
What's he doing?
Fuck, there are all sorts here.
Carry on.
I'm dressed like Heidi,
I look like a...
Ass, ass, ass, ass.
Bloody hell!
Head for the bar, the bar.
What shall I get you?
Gin tonic.
A short one.
A short gin tonic
and a Brugal and Coke.
Right away.
Bloody hell.
Was that a girl?
- Possibly.
- That's a girl, Ana.
Here you are.
Gin tonic and Brugal.
Ten and ten, twenty.
Fancy a tear drop?
You don't come here to cry.
No, no.
- Twenty.
- Okay.
You don't know what it is.
They drug you and...
One to the left.
Don't look, don't look.
She's looking.
Don't look, don't look.
She's still looking.
- Don't you look.
Look, do you like those earrings?
No, that's enough.
Don't laugh,Paco.
It's a lack of respect.
Stop it, they'll throw us out.
Don't...
Leave it out or we're going.
- I'm going to the toilet.
- No, hey!
- A beer.
- Okay.
It's smoky.
Everything okay?
- It is now.
- Are you waiting?
- Yes.
Hey, mate,
can I ask you a question?
Sure.
Did you play in the five-a-side league
in Torrelodones?
Yes, I played last year.
- Last year.
- Yes, only two or three matches.
I played with you.
- Really?
- Yes.
Do you remember the match
when we thrashed you?
- Hell! It was 3-0.
- That one, that one.
Yes, right.
Of course. Yes, yes.
We couldn't have been worse.
Get on all fours, you whore,
I've been watching you a while.
- Want to try?
- No, thanks.
- Your turn, come on.
- No, thanks. Really.
- Go on.
- I'm fine here with my drink.
-It's easy.
- I've got a glass in my hand.
I can't, thanks.
It's the first time we've come here...
It's a curious place.
- Are you going for a pee?
- Yes, I am.
- Would you mind peeing on me?
- Sorry?
Could you pee on me?
No way, mate, I...
Those kinds of things...
I mean, I know people and that,
but I don't...
I have respect,
but I don't do it, I don't...
I mean, for friendship's sake.
Without...
We know each other,
we've played five-a-side together.
Yeah, sure, it's just that I...
I know it's daft, but...
I'm not used to it,
you know what I mean?
It's not that difficult, dammit.
It's just that...
It won't come out, mate.
I'm sorry.
Okay, fine.
No worries.
Did that hurt, sir?
Fine.
- You have to move your arm.
- No, I feel a bit dizzy.
- Are you all right? What's wrong?
- No, I feel a bit...
Ana?
Ana!
- Oh, Beln.
- What's happened?
- I'm a bit dizzy.
Come, come, come.
Come and sit down.
My God.
What has happened to you?
I don't know if it was the gin tonic,
or that man and his buttocks...
- Yes, it's all...
- The heat.
And the place is overwhelming,
perhaps, the first time.
Maybe.
- What a fright, Ana.
- Yes.
It was really.
- Have you come on your own?
- No, Paco is in the toilets.
He's taking so long.
Go on, mate, just a bit.
- Fuck...
- Go on.
Hang on.
- There.
- That's it?
Don't leave me like this, mate.
Go on, some more.
Now you're here, mate, give me some.
Come on, mate!
Come on! Do it, mate.
- No, you'll see...
Go, go, go.
So warm.
Those gin tonics.
My girl is young and doesn't drink.
It's really warm in here.
I'll tell them to turn on the air con,
it's so hot...
In the end...
- Thanks.
- No worries, mate.
- I'm grateful to you.
- That's okay.
Okay then.
Come over to Torrelodones
and we'll play a quick match.
- Sure, I'll see you there.
- Okay.
- See you.
- See you, mate. A pleasure.
- Well, if you ask me...
- We'll go, won't we?
- Yes. Come on.
- Let's go.
"Lord Jesus Christ,
you said to your apostles:
I leave you peace,
my peace I give you.
Look not on our sins,
but on the faith of your Church,
and grant peace
and unity of your kingdom
where you live forever and ever.
Amen.
The Peace of the Lord
be with you always."
- And also with you.
- Let's offer each other a sign of peace.
- Peace be with you.
- And also with you.
- Do you want some water?
- No.
Antonio, dear,
if you have to cry, cry.
There's nothing wrong in crying,
okay?
I don't want to cry anymore.
Who loves you?
- You.
- There you go.
Shall we watch a film
to keep you occupied?
The one about the lad in the war,
Life is Beautiful?
Or the one about the Germans,
Schindler's List?
No, forget films.
Football is on later.
Antonio,
you haven't eaten all day.
Honey, shall I do you
some tuna and onion?
Come and help me to peel and cut it.
Come on.
- No, I can't eat.
You eat whatever,
I'll have some melon or something.
Antonio.
Look what I've found.
What a shame.
Look.
What a pity.
Not even thirty.
Didn't smoke or drink.
Well I never.
Where's that from?
This?
Do you know
what his wife told me in church?
She's four months pregnant.
Antonio, darling.
Okay.
Let it out.
Okay, honey.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
- What the hell are you doing?
I'm not up to this.
Yes, yes, my girl.
Who loves you?
You understand me.
Blanki...
"Whilst you live under my roof,
knickers aren't sold in my house."
Do you know what?
She's gone to a friend's house.
She doesn't know me.
Come on, Maite,
the girl is an adult.
She earns some money
to pay for her studies,
she does no harm.
What's so bad?
She may enjoy it.
We're modern
with everything but our kids.
Pass me the chisel.
You have to respect
the fantasies of others.
God!
Lore, what time is it?
Almost one o'clock, madam.
It's very late.
- I've slept a lot, no?
- Yes, a lot, madam.
Would you like a coffee?
Lore, come here.
Come, please.
- Yes, madam.
Are you all right, madam?
No.
I don't feel well at all.
No.
Sit down a moment, please.
Well...
I feel odd.
I feel as though...
I have a sensation...
Nothing, forget it.
Go and prepare some coffee.
- Okay, madam.
Sir, I think madam is suspicious.
Of what?
Suspicious?
Nothing, sir.
Nothing, sorry.
One thing, sir.
Forget about the boob operation.
I haven't enough money to pay for it.
- How much have you got?
- Only one thousand euros.
Right.
We can sort that out.
- Thank you, sir.
Tell me,
have you got a boyfriend?
- Yes.
- Yes?
- Has your friend got a boyfriend?
- We have the same boyfriend.
Luna, I'm getting out,
I'm freezing to death.
Look at my hands,
all wrinkled, my God.
It's so cold!
Look at my...
I'm freezing.
- Let's have a water fight.
- Now?
Was the tabbouleh nice?
Nice and cool.
- Delicious.
Incredible, really.
Luna, you little bugger!
No!
Wait, mine doesn't work!
Take that!
- No. Hey!
My God!
It's freezing!
Take that!
- No. Hey!
I'm winning.
Luna, I'll get stomach cramp!
Please!
Okay, okay.
Luna! That's enough!
Okay!
Siesta, no?
It's late, it's hot.
- Right, yes.
Come on, Luna.
Let's have a nap.
No, Ana, I'll take her.
I'll have a little nap too.
Right, love, sleep time.
We'll carry on tomorrow.
Up you get!
I'll take this little rat.
Oh, my God!
God, I'm so hot.
Paco, we have to talk.
- What about?
- Beln.
She gets me going.
Gets you going where?
She turns me on.
I like her...
You mean you like her...
in an erotic fantasy way
or you really like her?
In the sadist party,
she gave me a bit of a kiss.
- What, what, what?
- A little kiss, Paco.
She gave me a kiss
and it kind of affected me.
Since when have you liked women?
No, I'm confused.
No, it's not that I...
I don't know, I've no idea.
As a girl,
I remember kissing, to try.
But not...
I don't know what it is.
Ana, are you telling me...
you're a lesbian?
- No.
- That might be what's wrong with us.
No, I wanted to tell you.
I didn't want to keep it to myself.
We're doing
that shit therapy like idiots.
No, I'm sure I want to be with you.
If I'm lesbian, I'll bear it.
I don't know.
But...
- No, leave me.
Can you pass me
the photo with no filter?
I've told you dozens of times.
- I already have.
- No, with no filter.
- I'll send it, wait.
Okay.
How nice.
This will get me lots of likes,
which is what I like.
Followers no, likes yes.
Of course.
Adriana and David are getting married,
and he's a haemophiliac.
If they love each other.
Yes.
I think the same.
Darling, why don't you fart with me?
Not that again.
That's enough, please.
- Why?
- They don't come.
Have you farted with others?
No.
I don't know,
in my sleep maybe.
I don't know,
I think that when a couple
crosses the fart barrier,
things are progressing.
So, you think farting
is a sign that...?
Give me time...
and one day...
I'll give you something else, look.
- Yes?
- Yes.
What?
I don't know if you'll like it.
I don't believe it.
Really?
- It might not be the right choice.
- Yes.
- Earrings!
- Yes.
- I love them!
- Tell the camera you like them.
I love the earrings.
Can I ask you a question?
- Yes, sure.
Have you ever been with a prostitute?
Who told you that?
That's a yes.
No, but I don't know
why you're asking me.
- Yes or no?
- No, I haven't.
We went to a whorehouse
in Tenerife, in Tacoronte once,
to have a drink, but that was all.
In fact,
there was a girl called "The Syphon".
Because she sucked them...
and squirted the sperm through her nose.
It's great.
- Awful.
Where did your sister get that
about Alejandro Magno being gay?
I don't know,
she must have seen a documentary.
That's my sister.
Well, she's wrong,
internet says he was bisexual.
Got a coin for the car park?
No, we haven't, no.
We've nothing.
Come on, you must have.
Give him whatever.
Here, thirty euros.
It's all I have.
You've nothing else?
I said I've given you all I had.
You've got something else.
Wait, wait.
Alejandro!
Alejandro!
Alejandro!
Alejandro!
Alejandro!
When I was fifteen I liked my teacher.
At twenty, Italians.
Then you go the gynaecologist
and you fall in love with him.
Now I'm fifty, thirty-year-old guys.
Calm down, it's polyester.
It's polyester.
It might be polyester.
It's polyester. It's polyester.
No... It's silk.
It's silk.
It's silk.
Calm down, don't do it.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.
I'm great.
- How many brothers have you got?
- There are four of us.
- Have you got children?
- No, I haven't.
- Why? Are you too young?
- Yes, I'm young.
I can't tell with the Chinese.
I'm not Chinese, I'm Ecuadoran.
You look Chinese.
Oh, Toi.
What's wrong?
What?
Hang on, Chink.
The dog has escaped?
Toi, the one favour I ask you.
Listen to me carefully,
Antonio must never know
that I left the dog with you.
No.
Whatever happens,
the dog has never been in your house.
Swear to me.
Let me hear you swear to me, Toi.
If it turns up, call me.
If not, don't call me, I'll call you.
Antonio.
Any news?
Any news about the dog?
Has anyone called?
Where were you?
- Where?
- Where the hell have you been?
Sticking the dog posters up.
Bollocks!
The dog posters? What's this?
Can you explain it to me?
I found it in a dustbin.
Explain it to me.
Where's Blanki?
- Antonio...
- What have you done with the dog?
You think
I've done something to the dog?
It kills me.
- Don't lie to me.
Don't lie.
Antonio.
I swear by my grandmother's grave
I don't know where the dog is.
I don't know what's wrong
but you've been odd for days.
You don't fool me,
something is going on.
What the hell is going on?
Tell me.
Antonio, I don't know how to.
I knew there was something.
I knew it.
I should have told you
the first day, Antonio.
I'm dead scared.
I'm not well.
I'm ill.
It's not cancer...
Cancer?
Yes, it's cancer.
They've found a lump in my breast,
they're doing tests and things, but...
It's cancer.
I'm so sorry.
Everything will be all right.
You'll see.
It doesn't look good, Antonio.
No.
- No.
- No.
Antonio, Antonio, Antonio...
Antonio!
Password.
Stop messing.
Open up, it's me.
Can I talk to you a minute?
- Yes.
There's a furry party, but come in.
- These guys?
- They like this lark.
What's up, Paco?
You've got me...
- Hasn't Ana said anything?
- Ana? No, what about?
No?
What's happened?
No, this afternoon she told me...
that you turn her on.
- What?
- She likes you.
She gets horny with you.
- Me?
- You, you.
Seriously?
How sweet.
I can't believe it.
What did she say about me?
I had an erotic dream
about her the other day.
But real, real, real.
We sucked boobs
and ate pussy on your terrace.
Like real.
Titch, do you think
what I'm telling you is normal?
Sorry, it wasn't the right time.
How did all this come about?
- I don't know, you tell me.
You kissed her,
the other night in here.
- Again, again...
- No, Beln.
No, Paco, again?
- Again?
- We know each other.
Exactly, we know each other.
I can't believe it.
I kissed her, Paco,
I kissed your wife,
she was stumbling around
in a real dizzy state.
A kiss to comfort her, not...
A comfort kiss, a...
No tongue or...
Like this...
Girl, don't kiss me,
I'm already in a mess,
and this tops it all.
- Sorry, sorry.
Sorry.
- People don't keep to the rules.
Honey,
put this on at least,
you're the odd one out.
When did she start?
- Did she...?
- She never has, as far as I know.
She isn't lesbian with me,
she's normal with me.
But, have you ever...?
I mean,
there are sometimes signs, right?
- Signs of what?
- Signs...
that she likes women perhaps.
Other than her strange way
of giving me a blow job.
No, Beln.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm not saying...
No, no, no.
No, no, listen, honey.
She might be bi.
Bi?
I hope so, you know what I mean?
I hope so.
Hey, please, no.
Hey, I'm telling you.
If you want lemons, ask me for them.
They take lemons like...
I think the one in pink
is Lucia Etxebarria.
Go to bed with her.
- With who?
With Ana.
Go to bed with her.
What?
- Beln, listen a minute.
- Paco...
Listen to me, titch.
She has to try it.
And who better than you, girl?
You're a pal.
Titch, you've touched a lot.
You know how to touch,
and you can tell if she is or not.
- Paco, those games...
I get affectionate too soon.
I fall in love quickly, I can't...
Beln, I'm pleading you.
Do you think I'm not scared?
I'm scared shitless.
Paco, honey,
you've put me up in your house,
given me a roof, food...
If you want me
to go to bed with your wife,
I'll go to bed with her,
nothing more to be said.
Come on, my sweetie.
- Again.
- Sorry.
Come on, let's have a drink.
No,no,no.
These are very big.
They wouldn't look right on you.
But please, sir,
I want to have big boobs.
Have you seen this cup size?
Heads up.
Where have you been?
In the clinic.
What's wrong?
That's what I say, what's wrong?
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
Well then, you can explain this to me.
This.
Lingerie, 150?.
Body oils, 65?.
Erotic toys, 200?.
What's this, Jos Luis?
Do you think I'm daft?
Who is she?
Is she from the clinic?
Is she younger than me?
Prettier?
What's more...
a coward.
She isn't younger than you.
Or prettier.
But she doesn't humiliate me
or harp on at me.
She lets me hug and kiss her at night.
Son of a bitch.
Don't you realise, Paloma?
You haven't found out yet?
It's you!
These drops make you sleep every night.
And I get pleasure from you.
So much.
Almost like before the accident.
I could report you.
You'll report me?
Report me.
What will you tell the Police?
What will you tell them?
That your husband kisses you at night?
Is that what you'll say?
That your idiot husband
stays awake at night
because he desires you?
That your idiot husband loves you?
Report me.
Go on, report me.
Sir, sir.
Our thing will still go ahead,
won't it?
Okay.
- Antonio?
- Where are you?
I'm going for the test results.
- To hospital on your own?
- I want to go alone.
- I would've gone with you.
- No, I'll call you later.
I'll call you and tell you.
- Call me.
Yes, I'll call you later.
Thank you.
What's she doing?
What?
What? The fucking...
Fuck.
CALL ME, IF YOU LOVE ME.
Antonio, what's wrong?
That message?
Antonio, what's wrong?
Exactly, what's up?
- Calm down, Antonio.
- Calm down...
Calm down.
I swear I was going for the results.
I swear on my mother.
- Yeah.
And they've sent it in a...
by WhatsApp.
I'm fine.
I'm okay, I haven't got anything.
The biopsy was fine,
everything was fine.
I'm clear Antonio.
Show me.
What?
The WhatsApp.
I want to see it.
Candela!
Candela!
Hello.
Mara Candelaria Rodrguez Costa.
- That's me.
- Are you her husband?
Well, it looks as though
you are responsible for her fainting.
- Me?
- She's pregnant.
What?
Congratulations.
- Excuse me, room 203?
- Yes, over there.
The second on the left.
- Thank you.
Alejandro.
Alex.
What happened?
Last night,
when we went to the car park,
we were robbed and you bumped your head.
But there's nothing wrong,
everything is okay.
There is something wrong, Nata.
I prepared it all.
Yes, I know.
Fuck.
We'd practised it loads of times.
What's more,
they were good actors from drama school.
I think I overacted, Natalia.
They were meant to hit me
with a fake bottle.
I don't know what happened,
because my nose...
That doesn't matter,
I have to tell you something.
What?
I have to tell you something
and I don't know how,
because it's embarrassing,
but I have to tell you.
Natalia, don't scare me.
What happened to me
at the petrol station has a name.
It's called harpaxophilia.
I know it's that because in my family
there are a series of sexual paraphiles
which are repeated in the females.
For example,
my grandmother liked cripples.
Do you remember my lame grandad?
Yes.
Or my sister, who has dendrophilia.
- Are you serious?
- I get it a bit in summer.
- What is it?
- Well...
you get aroused by plants.
- Oh, my word!
- By all kinds of plants.
Forgive me, please.
I'm so sorry.
I should have told you before,
but I didn't know how to.
Now look...
- Okay, Nata, don't worry.
Nata, don't worry.
It's fine.
Okay?
- I'm sorry.
What concerns me,
last night, in the car park...
Did you like it?
- Yes.
But, did you come?
Yes.
A lot.
- That's it then, Natalia.
That's it.
Pass me my rucksack.
- The rucksack.
- Okay.
I've got something here.
No more surprises, please.
Natalia Figueroa y Dos Sicilias,
will you marry me,
fuck with flowers,
come in car parks,
and fart with me the rest of your life
till your grandmother do us part?
Yes, yes!
Here.
Sorry, sorry.
I'm going to have a fig.
I'm full.
I'm so tired.
I'm going to lie down for a while,
I'm working tonight
and I feel a wreck.
Okay.
I'm going to...
I'll be with Rafa all afternoon,
I'll see you later.
Have a lie down if you want.
I'm going!
POLYAMORY
STABLE INTIMATE/SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS
BETWEEN THREE OR MORE PEOPLE
Hi, good afternoon,
my name's Sandra.
Tell me the number
you would like to contact with.
Welcome to Hot Bitches.
Is this the first time you've called?
Seriously?
Sorry, are you there?
- Hello, good afternoon.
- Hello, good afternoon.
I'm calling from a centre...
offering video interpreting calls
for deaf people.
Fine, what kind of girl
do you want to talk to?
Who do you want to talk to?
What are the options?
What are the options?
University students,
big boobs, transexuals,
lesbians, Asians, dwarfs,
droopy fanny, vaginoplasty, classic sadism,
and more contemporary
sadism if you like.
Witch from the Middle Ages
on a cross with five men torturing her?
Heterosexual blondes only.
Well, blondes then.
With blondes, please.
Hold the line,
I'll put you through.
Hello, I'm Full of Life,
but you can call me Full.
Yes, good afternoon, Full.
- Oh, you're a girl.
- Yes.
It's my first time with a girl.
What do you want me to do?
- No, it isn't for me.
I'm making
a video call with a deaf person
and he's asked me
to translate it into sign language.
- Deaf?
- Yes.
Oh, okay, okay, okay.
So, I talk to you,
and you translate in sign language?
Exactly.
What is she saying?
I can say some words in sign language.
I can say "cunt face".
- Yes.
And ham.
- Good.
- But you can't see me.
Hey, what's the lad like?
Is he handsome?
Yes, yes, he's...
- He's cute.
- Ask him if it's hard.
- What?
- If he's got a hard on.
Have you got a hard on?
Say yes.
He has, he has.
Tell him I'm going to put
his enormous hard shaft
in my pursed lips.
- Fine.
Tell him I've got lips from the '20s,
like a silent-movie actress.
Tell him.
Tell her
to spit on my dick and lick it.
No, no, no.
Please, I'm a poor, lonely deaf boy.
You're very cheeky.
- Hello?
- Yes, I'm still here. Tell me.
Yes, I'll explain, he wants you...
to lick his penis.
Of course I'll lick his penis,
I'll put it in my mouth.
And I'll tongue it.
Is his pink
or more of a depigmented tan?
Because I like them all.
My cunt lips are throbbing.
They're burning.
Oh, it's so hot.
It's so hot.
So hot.
It's so hot.
Shit!
Keep him occupied a minute.
- Please, don't hang up.
- Why?
For fuck's sake...
Tell her I want to shag her hard.
No, no...
She says...
She prefers it softly first
and harder after.
Ask her if she wants me
to put it up her ass.
She prefers to snuggle up now,
and cuddle...
How do you know?
You haven't even asked her.
Go on, ask her.
"I want to put it up your ass."
- Sorry, are you still there?
- Yes, of course.
Sorry, I've had
a domestic accident in my house.
Does he want me to carry on sucking it?
I don't think so,
he's putting it up your ass.
I don't care, woman,
ask him.
Fine.
Do you want me to suck it?
After putting it up her ass
she wants to suck it?
Giggles, right?
You playing a joke?
You think it's funny, do you?
You're one big son of a bitch.
I believed the bit about the deaf lad
and my kitchen
went up in flames, bitch.
Fuck your bloody mother
and that deaf lad's too.
Son of a bitch!
Drop dead, bitch!
I'll slit your throat to your cunt!
What the...
She hung up.
Sorry for bothering you.
No worries, it's been...
very interesting.
Interesting.
Need anything else?
Any more work?
Not for the minute.
Don't hang up then, please.
What are you doing?
Studying for Civil Service exams.
Go for it.
Aren't you going out today?
Maybe, it's the local festivals.
It's hard to sleep with the noise.
I live in the area.
I know.
How do you know?
I've seen you round there.
I've never seen you.
I've seen you...
a lot.
Sorry, I have to go.
Good luck with the exam.
If I pass it will be thanks to you.
Three.
Three.
Only with three numbers
we give out the tablet.
Come on, ladies, gentlemen,
we're giving them away!
We're giving them away!
I'm going to be a father.
So there, man.
Antonio!
The dog, Blanki!
Antonio!
I've told her you're both my partner
but she doesn't understand.
How can she understand it?
- Melting pot.
- So many.
Yes, yes.
Look, candy floss.
- And apples.
- Yes.
- Carnations.
- Do you want some, darling?
I found my sister getting off
with a calabash when I was 15.
- No!
- Yes.
Come on, come on.
Up you come.
Up you come.
Come on, that's it.
A drum!
What?
What do you want?