Redirected (2014) Movie Script
Come on ladies, we're pushing pennies
around like a lot of old 'tards here.
Let's see a real bet.
Twice.
- That's better.
- Fold.
All in.
Good morning mate.
Delivery for you.
Fresh as you like.
Bloody hell.
What you plan on
doing with that?
I'm gonna chop his head off.
- You know I'm a vegetarian?!
- For Christ sake Tim!
I'm not asking you
to fucking eat it.
Only chop the head off.
Ben, I can't mate.
Really, I can't.
The head..
Is mine.
All right.
Johnny's got the head.
I've got the belly.
Which leaves you
the legs
the gut
or the fucking tale.
Where's the other fellow?
You're late.
Did I not make myself clear?!
The other fellow, where is he?
We can handle it!
Guarantied!
I need three of you inside.
You've got three of us.
You mean to tell me that tinker
bell here is gonna go inside?
No.. Tinker..
Tim.. will stay in the van.
All right.
So Tink takes the wheel
whilst you and loud
ass there go inside?
The two of you?
- I trust him with my life.
- Yeah, well I don't.
So you find someone else, otherwise,
the deal is of, all right?!
All right.
I'll find another guy.
Okay?
If..
And I mean if this goes
according to plan..
He's got a ring.
You take it!
The ring is very
important to him.
You might say it's
his little friend.
Adios.
Fucking tosser!
- Hello?
- Happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday dear Michael
happy birthday to you.
Wow, I'm touched.
Love you so much.
Sounds like I'll come in for
a very good night tonight?!
Oh yes, but it was
different in my dreams.
Why is that?
You've been having those
dirty dreams about me again?
Hmm, but it happened in
a Polish restaurant.
- Oh shit.
- Oh yes.
No, that's no good, cause since you've
met me, all your dreams have come true.
I know Michael. Look..
I've ordered a table at
Gordon's, just the two of us.
We have to be there in an hour.
An hour?
Yes.
Well, at least it's not Polish.
Definitely not. And I
have a surprise for you.
Yeah, you should do.
Besides, I've got a little
surprise for you too.
Surprise?! I'm finally
going to meet the queen?
Who told you?
Everybody's talking about it.
No, but..
I do have a little..
Michael?
Michael?
Now, there is a surprise.
What?
I'll be there in a jiffy.
Okay.
What the shitty fuck?!
Let go of me!
What the fuck?!
Take it off!
Please, let go of me.
Help?!
I'll give you anything!
You work for her Majesty?
What's it got to do with you?
You'd take a bullet in your
bullocks for queen and country?
What?
Even though the old deer makes you
work on your fucking birthday.
Johnny, you fucker!
Happy birthday mate.
God save the Queen.
Piss off Ben!
Come on! Come on! Let me out!
You scared the shit out of me.
Here. Happy birthday fellow.
Yeah, what were you doing
with that bunny rabbit, eh?
That is Jess..
Well it was just
Jessica's present.
I was thinking about
you, the whole time.
Oh, you pervert.
- And you?
- Sorry Michael.
We just wanted to give you
the best surprise ever.
Oh why, well you
certainly did that Tim.
No problem there!
All right, let's go!
- Go? Go where?
- Here.
All right, what?!
A wrank looking strip club. Even you're
not thick enough to think of going there.
Oh yeah, we forgot.
You're into cuddly
toys now, aren't you?
I am not going in there!
I don't care what you
say, I've had enough!
Jessica.
- Mickey?!
- No. I'm sorry, I've got to go.
- Must see Jessie, she's waiting on me.
- Mickey, for fuck's sake.
Will you just calm down?!
Mickey please?!
Look! I have to go and see Jessica,
all right?! She's waiting for me.
All right. I see the
surprise is out the window.
But we have to go and tell the girls.
Please, ten minutes?!
No, thank you. It's
not my business!
Come on mate please, for
fuck's sake, do us a favor.
All right, five
minutes, all right?!
And not a heartbeat more!
Okay Mickey. Just
turn the van around.
These girls might
take us by force.
Hopefully.
You sure are fucking cunts!
Let me tell you what John.
He's gonna go
apeshit when he finds out.
It's a fact mate.
Fuck you and your facts Tim.
We stick to the plan!
Here
We're closed.
Closed or not mate, I
have to drop this off.
You're not dropping
anything off mate.
I told you, the bar is closed. So
fuck off and come back tomorrow!
Shut it dickhead!
You know the trouble with
the world right now Karl?
Not enough trust.
But I'm gonna trust these cards.
When I said use your head,
I meant your own one.
Fresh meat.
What?
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Don't you flinch!
Put your hands on the table!
Where I can see them!
What the fuck is going on here?
Shut your mouth!
Or I'll shut it for you!
Open it up! Come on!
I think you pricks are
a little confused.
Slowly, don't you make me
fucking nervous. Come on!
Do you have any idea who
owns this establishment?
Who sent you?
The international
red fucking cross!
Let's gather the harvest.
Come on gentlemen!
Come on!
Faster gentlemen! Faster!
I said..
Five minutes!
Fuck!
Come on! Faster, you
fucking cripple!
Aren't you forgetting something?
Like what?
Your ring!
Are you deaf?!
Put the ring on the
fucking table!
Shoot!
What?
Shoot him!
No! Oh, no! I can't..
I can't do it!
Fuck! Shoot him!
Motherfucker I'm telling you!
I can't!
Pour his fucking brains out!
Now!
I can't.
You're such a fucking pussy!
Oh fu..
Get back!
I promise I'll aim
better next time.
You're fucking mental!
Really?! You're not
the first to notice.
I'll find you!
I'll fucking find you!
And when I do..
I'll cut of your fucking balls..
And when you fucking eat them..
I'm gonna pull them out of your
fucking asshole with this hand!
You fucking fat cunt!
Oy?!
Is this what you
were looking for?
What?
Don't play silly
puppets with me!
You wanted your play with
his ring didn't you?
Well, as it happens..
I've grown quite fond of it.
I think I'll just adopt to it.
I'll think of it
as a present!
Fucking knew.
You fucking snake!
Come on! Come on!
Move! Move! Move! Now!
Move! Fucking move!
You come and investigate,
you're the police.
I'll call you back.
Mickey start the van!
Wait, what happened?
Drive! Just fucking drive!
Now wait a minute.
- Move!
- All right!
Shittin' Jesus Christ.
What was all that about?
Nothing Mickey.
- We're all good.
- Good?!
How can it be good Johnny?
I heard a fucking gunshot!
Need to clear your
ears out mate.
Probably just been foy.
Oh fuck off Ben!
Calm down Mickey.
Girls just..
Got a bit upset, that's all.
But we got you a present.
Piss off with your presents!
Are you sure about that?
Don't think you want me fucking
around with your future.
What is that?
Problems with your
eyesight, lad?!
Oh fuck! No!
No! No! No! No! No!
What did you do Johnny? Eh?
What the fuck did you do?
Set you up mate.
Tell me you're just having
another laugh, all right?!
Tell me that this is
just a fucking wind-up.
Not really.
I know you're pissed
off now mate.
But please
just try to calm down.
You tell me to calm down
just one more time
I will fucking end you!
Look at it, we always said
we were to start it new.
Now we can. All of us.
We're sorted.
Whose money is that?
Look at it as a long-term loan.
With payment optional.
Who saw you? you?
As far as I'm aware, no one!
You're in the clear mate.
And by the time those
guys sort themselves out,
we'll be long gone.
Gone?!
Gone where?
Malaysia my friend.
Sunshine. Paradise is
just around the corner.
And we've got a place for you.
If you're willing to join us.
Shit!
This is fucking real?!
You really are all just the
sneakiest, fucking donk shit, right?!
You're right Johnny,
you clever bastard.
Nobody did see me.
So I weren't there.
Just so we're clear?!
I didn't do anything!
You don't know me.
And I don't know you.
Any of you!
And if I ever see you again.
You're fucking dead!
I'll kill ya'll!
His name's John.
I don't know his last name.
That's all I know Paul, I swear.
Believe me.
I know I fucked up, I
fucked up big-time Paul.
But give me a chance, yeah?
And I'll get the fuckers myself.
I promise.
They'll pay.
Yeah, they'll pay.
I'll get the fuckers
myself, and they'll pay.
I promise you they'll pay, ok?
I'll get them! I'll
get them Paul.
Yeah? I'll get them..
Pst!
(SHUT THE) Fuck up!
(OR) I'll crush you!
I believe you.
Yeah?
Everybody pays.
Yeah.
He was in the fucking van.
He seems fucking familiar to me.
How come?
If that really is him then..
Then we've just been fucked
by the honorary guard of her
Majesty, Queen Elizabeth,
the fucking second.
If we get this little
prick, we find the others.
I want you to take
all of our boys
find out where they fucking live
where they drink
and even if they're coming up
to the queen of fucking England
I want them crown jewels.
- Hello?
- Where are you?
Oh, Jess.
Yeah, I.. I'm sorry darling.
- I'm waiting.
- Yeah, I'm on my way there now.
Are you ok? What's
the matter with you?
No no..
No. Everything's honky..
Everything's fine!
Hurry up then.
Yes, yes! I'll be there
in a minute, all right?!
Oh fuck!
- Oh shit!
- He's inside!
Fuck!
Shit.
Fucker's got away.
I need to go to the toilet.
Tim, what the fuck
are you doing?!
You don't know me!
I'll be back in a sec.
Excuse me.
Jesus Christ!
I promised ya'll I'd kill you!
Michael, I'm sorry! I wanted
to tell you, honestly.
Where is it?
I'm sorry.
Where is it?
It's on me!
Fuck!
Michael, don't do this! Listen, right!
There's no way back!
Mike, what the fuck
are you doing?
Mickey..
They found me Johnny!
Do you understand me?!
They found me and then
nearly fucking killed me!
Fuck you Mickeeey!
This is the final boarding call for
passengers on the flight F43421C
to Kuala Lumpur.
Please proceed to
gate C, immediately.
Thick clouds of
ash flew up today
forcing airlines to cancel
thousands of flights.
It drifted at high altitudes south & east,
from an erupting volcano in Iceland.
The airspace shut-down was one of the
most sweeping ever ordered in peace time.
The cloud made up of
minute particles of
silicate, that can severely
damage jet engines,
left airplanes stranded on the tarmac of
some of the world's busiest airports,
as it spread over Britain and
towards continental Europe.
5,000-6,000 of the 28,000 daily
flights across Europe were cancelled,
or redirected to the nearest available
airports, as the results of the ash plume.
The ash plume of volcano Eyjafjallajkull,
was reported to be drifting
at 18,000-33,000 feet
above the earth.
At those altitudes, the cloud is directly
in the road of commercial airliners...
Excuse me mate. Where are we?
Sorry mate, I don't speak
Malaysian, I'm sorry.
We found them.
It was about fucking time.
They didn't get as
far as Malaysia.
Some big volcano has
just erupted in Iceland.
The flight redirected.
To Lithuania.
Lith-a-fucking what?
Lithuania?!
Not Malaysia?!
It's in Eastern fucking Europe.
And the bastards
are still there.
How?
I mean how? How? How
did I get here?
You arrive here
about two hours ago
from the airport
with three friends.
I like them fucking Islandicks.
But I like the
volcanoes even better.
Let's get our asses
fucking out there.
Hey barman, give me some vodka.
Cheers fellow.
Benny my boy, lucky tonight.
See you back at the hotel.
I'll see you later.
Ben, don't you think we
should get back to the hotel.
You've gone fucking soft?!
I'm not going back to
some shitty hotel!
Hello boys. Our hen party
needs some company.
Where're you from?
England.
- Come on girls, surround them.
- All right ladies.
Right here, fucking right here!
Fuck!
Oh, you dumb fucks!
- Hello?
- Michael?
Jessica, thank God!
Were you ever planning
on calling me back?
How could you?
What the hell is going on?
What are you doing? Do you
have any idea how I feel?
Yes! Yes I know.
I'll be back in a couple
of hours, I promise!
- I don't give a shit about your promises..
- Jessie listen!
- To what?
- Airport please mate.
You're going to the airport?
Without me?
Good night my friend.
And you can't even explain to
me where you pissed off to?!
Why is that? Just don't call me anymore.
I don't want to hear shit anymore.
Jess, it's very, very confusing!
Is it?
But you have to trust me!
Are you sober?
Yes!
So where are you then?
Lithuan.. Oh, Jesus Christ.
- It doesn't really matter.
- Yes, it does.
I will explain everything to
you, when it becomes clear.
Why've we stop.. Look, can you just
wait a minute? Why've we stopped?
Look! I need to get to the airport mate!
I'm in a bit of a hurry..
Who's this now?
What's going on?
- What the hell is happening?
- What are you doing to me?
Are you at a party?
You're a son of a bitch Michael. How can
you have fun when my heart's broken?
How can I have ever
gotten with you?
And you have nothing
to say for yourself?
You can't even explain yourself?
Fuck you..
Oh fuck!
Oh Jesus Christ.
Hi.
I don't even know
how I got here.
I don't know where any of my
friends are and I need help!
Is your room 1402?
No, yea.. I don't know, why?
We came back..
Hmm... Men!
We said we're friends of yours.
Did they now?!
Johnny?!
Johnny where are you?! Show
me your faces you li..
- Fuck! Shit!
- That's him!
Who are you? What do you want?
I was going to ask
you the same thing.
Oh now, there's been
some kind of a mistake.
Mistake?!
Where there's a lot of greed,
there's plenty of mistakes.
No! You see, I didn't
know anything.
They set me up. They
ruined my plan.
Plan?!
Your plan is going to end
up the same way as Karl's.
Where is the money?
It was in here. I wanted
to give it back to you.
I swear to God, I wanted
to give it back to you.
Where's my fucking ring?
What ring? I don't
know, I don't know.
Get him up! Get him up!
Okay, it's.. It's in my pocket.
Where's my fucking ring?
- I just gave..
- Tony Montana gave me that fucking ring!
Does that ring any
bells with you?
Now where's my fucking ring?
I don't have anything
else to give to you.
I don't even fucking know how I got
here, what more can I fucking give.
- Shut the fuck up!
- Fucking hell!
Get him in there!
You must fucking like this?!
Open the door! Police.
Hello.
These guys. You know them?
- Yes. yes, I know them, yes.
- Good.
You must go with us. Come on!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't look like we're leaving
this place any time soon lads.
We need a motor. Let's
go find uncle Sam.
Officer?! Sir?!
The Mob.. Gangsters..
From London, really,
very, very serious men.
They're in my hotel.
They want their money.
But, it was taken, you
see, it's all gone.
You know this?
You want me to be
honest with you?!
They're not my actual friends.
In fact, I barely fucking know
them, but that is not important.
They are going to kill me.
You have to believe me!
What's money?
Who robbed you?
You?
How much money?
When?
Money, I..
What money?
No, no, no..
It's all good.
It's my fuck-up.
Four iron dicks and
two balls for each.
How much for all of them?
8,000. You won't
find any cheaper.
Is that right? Is that so?
Cheeky little fucker, isn't he?
Fuck it. Pay him and
let's get out of here.
Do you fucking
believe this shit?!
Here That's him.
What's your name?
Vova.
Ok Vova, listen very carefully,
I'm only gonna say this once.
Where did you get
that fucking watch?
Help. Help.
Father, can you help me?
Can you please help me?
Excuse me?
Will you please..
Fucking help me?
Please?!
Help me!
Okay. Okay.
Please?!
People, hear me out!
I
Have
money!
If we can just get back
to my fucking hotel
I can pay you
as much money
as you fucking want!
Just please?!
Fucking help me!
Okay.
Who the fuck are you?
Oh shit.
Oh fuck!
Please, I shouldn't be here.
Please, I haven't seen anything.
Just.. Just let me go.
Please, help me.
What the fuck is going on here?
That's him.
Well get the fucker!
Come on!
It's my first time here and
it's really, very nice.
Oh really?!
We can stop at my place.
- Sorry, I've got to go.
- So soon?
Who the fuck are you? What
the fuck is going on?
What are you doing?
Calm down! Listen to me!
Copper, where is
my fucking money?
One more time. Where
is the fucking money?
Fucking drive!
Where is it?
Where is it?
It's under the sofa.
All right. Fucking get it out!
Now open the bag!
- Is it all there?
- I don't know, count it.
Count it?!
Fucking prick!
Hello?
You piece of shit! Asshole!
You haven't even
bothered to apologize.
Look, Jessica..
Jessica, please just listen to me,
all right, you don't understand.
Oh I understand all right!
You and your Lithuanian bitches!
You met another woman.
- Some other fucking bitch.
- Jess will you hold please.
- I know it..
- Just fucking hold!
Ahh Jesus.
Can you move?
Your fucking radiator
is on top of me.
My radiator?!
Ask me..
How I've become attached
to this fucking radiator.
I should have killed you
in that fucking apartment.
Fuck you!
You skinny, Lithuanian bitch!
I trusted you!
And you left me
naked
covered in claret (BLOOD)
handcuffed!
Hey, steady..
It's my phone.
It's in the pocket.
Can you help?
Help.. you?!
Well yeah.
Since you can't
help yourself, ha?!
Fine.
Woa, woa, woa..
Lads, lads, lads..
Wh.. What's going on?
Wh.. What're you doing to me?
Hey, I'm military! Do
you understand that?
That means they'll
come looking for me.
And they'll find me to. That..
That.. That is for sure!
Oh, come on lads.
I work for her Majesty' service.
Do you understand? The Queen?
Oh come on, lads.
I'm the head of the honorary guard.
I'm a very important person!
Yeah?!
Fuck.
Tim, get up!
I don't mean to be
rude, darling, but..
Do we know each other?
Fuck you.
And by the way..
You both having me a striptease
for my party.
Aw fuck! Where'd you
get my ring from?
You gave it to me
as my wedding gift.
Wedding?!
What fucking wedding?
My wedding, your gift!
Do you remember anything?
Whatever!
I want my ring!
Let me go man!
This ring costs too much
to give to some fucking..
Fucking hell.
Who's that?
My fianc.
We are getting married tomorrow.
All right.
Maybe your boyfriend can
take us to the hotel.
Jesus Christ, I'll
fucking pay him.
You dirty bastard!
That is not fucking me!
Staska.
Fucking take it.
Look, love..
Just give us the ring back
and we'll fucking leave.
Yeah. We've got to make
a move, to be honest.
It's been an absolute pleasure.
Leave the fucking ring, yeah?!
Peace. Bye bye.
Forrest Timmy!
Run for the switch!
Hey pal!
Can you help us?
Why the fuck he's running for.
What's he..
Oh for fuck's sake.
Why would you change the side
of the fucking steering wheel?!
Why would you fucking do that?!
- Move over you fucking cunt.
- This fucking country is mental.
Just drive ok?!
Shut the fuck up Timmy!
Well don't just sit there.
Call Johnny.
With what, eh?! The
fucking phone?!
It's in the forest somewhere.
You fucking twat.
Come on. Fucking get up!
Where?
Which way?
Well I don't know, do I?
Hey Tim, look at all this grass.
You eat like a fucking
rabbit, don't you?!
I knew this would go tits up.
But like a mug
I've signed up for it.
With another mug.
You!
Fuck off!
What?
It's a fucking tattoo.
When?
You
are a fucking
twat!
Jesus Christ!
That ain't Jesus.
Not at all.
Excuse me please
- Are we arrive?
- Who? You?
We. Arrive.
Where you from please?
Who, Me?! I'm from England.
Where the fuck are you from?
And what you're doing
all cooped-up in there?
England.
England.
- England.
- Get the fuck off!
Thank you my friend.
What the fuck are you doing?!
Excuse me.
Do you speak English?
We're a bit lost, yeah?!
And we need to call a taxi.
Taxi?
We need to go back to the..
Hotel.
Hello.
We need to call a taxi.
You want call kurwa (WHORE)?
Twenty ponds kurwa.
One minute.
What? We only need
to call a taxi.
Kurwa, twenty five pounds.
Fuck off! It's
just a short call.
What kurwa?
Okay. Okay. We'll
take it, yeah?!
But you call the taxi.
Where you want kurwa go?
The hotel.
What kurwa hotel in this town?
No, no. Not "Kurwa" hotel.
Vilnius, yeah?
We need to go to Vilnius.
Are you kurwa nut?
Your village is a free hundred
kilometers from where.
No one kurwa in here never
go that's for kurwa.
Fucking hell!
- What?
- What kurwa?!
Your fucking Vilnius
is Zbyt Daleko (TOO
FAR) stop kurwa.
Now kurwa, give me my
twenty five pounds!
Fuck off!
We need to call our friends!
The money is in the hotel
and they will bring
it here, all right?!
I said kurwa, put the
money on the table!
Or you have kurwa big problem!
Don't fuck with me!
One call!
That's all I'm asking.
Now give me
the fucking phone!
Kurwa give me my money!
Kurwa!
Where are his Negros? you?
I told ya'll!
I don't know!
I've left them in a
fucking wood somewhere.
Oh my Goooood!
Ben!
There is no God in
this fucking country.
It's not our plane
for Malaysia?!
Sure.
Hey thanks.
No problem.
So I'm a..
Flying off to Malaysia tonight.
My mates are probably..
On their way already.
I'm jealous.
Hold that thought.
I
Will be back in a sec.
So, what's next?
I'd just love to get
rid of this thing.
Keep it as a souvenir.
Okay, let's go.
Fuck!
Come on!
Motherfucker!
Go! Go! Go!
Bang on it!
Motherfucker! Come
here you motherfucker!
Let's go! Go!
What the fuck is going on?
Just drive! Move! Move!
Move! Move!
Get closer to it, so he
can get a shot at it!
This is just fucked! Move!
Get back here!
Get back!
The money's in the hotel.
In the toilet. I'll
show you everything.
Don't worry about the money.
We have the money.
I got a little surprise for you.
Mickey, forgive me.
Forgive me Mickey.
I will fucking kill you myself!
You fucking cunt!
Are we finished ladies?
Now where's my fucking ring?
Ring?
That fucking ring!
Fucking Johnny, you cunt!
Don't fuck with me!
Hello, Johnny?
Johnny?
It's Ben, hello?
You listen to me very carefully!
Who is this?
Where's Johnny?
Where's Michael?
Your two mates will fucking live
as long as my
patience holds out.
Now, you bring my
fucking ring to me
and you bring it very delicately,
between your fucking teeth!
Do you understand?
I said, do you understand?!
Now, one more pause out of you
and I'm gonna blow his
fucking skull away
over this fucking call!
Talk!
Listen Ben!
We need the fucking ring!
What fucking ring?!
We need cash!
Ben, listen.
There's no money.
What?
Just bring the fucking ring,
we're gonna fucking die.
Just bring the fucking ring!
That's great Johnny,
that's right.
That's right Johnny,
bring the money.
I don't have the ring.
I don't have that fucking
ring, okay, but..
Great!
That's great! You've
got the ring.
No ring Johnny!
No ring!
Good news mate.
Tell us where you are?
Yeah, where are you fuckface?
We.. We're at the..
Lithuanian wedding.
What?
What the fuck is a
Lithuanian wedding?
Fucking Malaysia.
Fucking sunny beach.
Hey!
Dress up! You'll be dancing
'cause of wedding.
Now, I don't give a
fuck who you two are.
But I wanna know where
the fat man is?
Turk.
Where's the fat man?
'Un smooga', you cunt!
Be careful! Smile.
Jesus Christ.
I'll need that fat
piece of shit.
Now, where the fuck is he?
Fuck you!
'Kamatzo' to you!
Give my fucking dollars
and motherfucking Negros!
Now, you listen to me,
you fucking gipsy!
You get me that fucking prick!
Otherwise, I'll end
every fucking body here
and I'll level this
fucking place!
Now, where the fuck is he?
Where the fuck is he?
I'm losing my patience.
Where's the red cross now,
you fucking salad swerver?!
This is the part you give
me back my fucking ring.
Wait!
He don't have it.
He doesn't have
the fucking ring!
Not again.
Look, she's got it.
Get a hold of that fucking ring.
Kurwa!
I'm out.
Fuck it!
Motherfuckers.
Let's kick some ass boys.
Oh kurwa.
Please? Please? Please?!
Staska?!
Staska!
Where're you going
you fat bitch?!
Back off you little cunt!
Staska!
Where's that fucking
ring you fucker?!
You all right?
Yeah.
Just fucking perfect.
Over here.
Come on boys, up here.
Jesus Christ.
Hello mate.
I wonder if you could help us.
We're a little bit lost.
Sorry mate, didn't
get any of that.
We just wanna go home.
England.
Airport.
Which way is it?
around like a lot of old 'tards here.
Let's see a real bet.
Twice.
- That's better.
- Fold.
All in.
Good morning mate.
Delivery for you.
Fresh as you like.
Bloody hell.
What you plan on
doing with that?
I'm gonna chop his head off.
- You know I'm a vegetarian?!
- For Christ sake Tim!
I'm not asking you
to fucking eat it.
Only chop the head off.
Ben, I can't mate.
Really, I can't.
The head..
Is mine.
All right.
Johnny's got the head.
I've got the belly.
Which leaves you
the legs
the gut
or the fucking tale.
Where's the other fellow?
You're late.
Did I not make myself clear?!
The other fellow, where is he?
We can handle it!
Guarantied!
I need three of you inside.
You've got three of us.
You mean to tell me that tinker
bell here is gonna go inside?
No.. Tinker..
Tim.. will stay in the van.
All right.
So Tink takes the wheel
whilst you and loud
ass there go inside?
The two of you?
- I trust him with my life.
- Yeah, well I don't.
So you find someone else, otherwise,
the deal is of, all right?!
All right.
I'll find another guy.
Okay?
If..
And I mean if this goes
according to plan..
He's got a ring.
You take it!
The ring is very
important to him.
You might say it's
his little friend.
Adios.
Fucking tosser!
- Hello?
- Happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday dear Michael
happy birthday to you.
Wow, I'm touched.
Love you so much.
Sounds like I'll come in for
a very good night tonight?!
Oh yes, but it was
different in my dreams.
Why is that?
You've been having those
dirty dreams about me again?
Hmm, but it happened in
a Polish restaurant.
- Oh shit.
- Oh yes.
No, that's no good, cause since you've
met me, all your dreams have come true.
I know Michael. Look..
I've ordered a table at
Gordon's, just the two of us.
We have to be there in an hour.
An hour?
Yes.
Well, at least it's not Polish.
Definitely not. And I
have a surprise for you.
Yeah, you should do.
Besides, I've got a little
surprise for you too.
Surprise?! I'm finally
going to meet the queen?
Who told you?
Everybody's talking about it.
No, but..
I do have a little..
Michael?
Michael?
Now, there is a surprise.
What?
I'll be there in a jiffy.
Okay.
What the shitty fuck?!
Let go of me!
What the fuck?!
Take it off!
Please, let go of me.
Help?!
I'll give you anything!
You work for her Majesty?
What's it got to do with you?
You'd take a bullet in your
bullocks for queen and country?
What?
Even though the old deer makes you
work on your fucking birthday.
Johnny, you fucker!
Happy birthday mate.
God save the Queen.
Piss off Ben!
Come on! Come on! Let me out!
You scared the shit out of me.
Here. Happy birthday fellow.
Yeah, what were you doing
with that bunny rabbit, eh?
That is Jess..
Well it was just
Jessica's present.
I was thinking about
you, the whole time.
Oh, you pervert.
- And you?
- Sorry Michael.
We just wanted to give you
the best surprise ever.
Oh why, well you
certainly did that Tim.
No problem there!
All right, let's go!
- Go? Go where?
- Here.
All right, what?!
A wrank looking strip club. Even you're
not thick enough to think of going there.
Oh yeah, we forgot.
You're into cuddly
toys now, aren't you?
I am not going in there!
I don't care what you
say, I've had enough!
Jessica.
- Mickey?!
- No. I'm sorry, I've got to go.
- Must see Jessie, she's waiting on me.
- Mickey, for fuck's sake.
Will you just calm down?!
Mickey please?!
Look! I have to go and see Jessica,
all right?! She's waiting for me.
All right. I see the
surprise is out the window.
But we have to go and tell the girls.
Please, ten minutes?!
No, thank you. It's
not my business!
Come on mate please, for
fuck's sake, do us a favor.
All right, five
minutes, all right?!
And not a heartbeat more!
Okay Mickey. Just
turn the van around.
These girls might
take us by force.
Hopefully.
You sure are fucking cunts!
Let me tell you what John.
He's gonna go
apeshit when he finds out.
It's a fact mate.
Fuck you and your facts Tim.
We stick to the plan!
Here
We're closed.
Closed or not mate, I
have to drop this off.
You're not dropping
anything off mate.
I told you, the bar is closed. So
fuck off and come back tomorrow!
Shut it dickhead!
You know the trouble with
the world right now Karl?
Not enough trust.
But I'm gonna trust these cards.
When I said use your head,
I meant your own one.
Fresh meat.
What?
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Don't you flinch!
Put your hands on the table!
Where I can see them!
What the fuck is going on here?
Shut your mouth!
Or I'll shut it for you!
Open it up! Come on!
I think you pricks are
a little confused.
Slowly, don't you make me
fucking nervous. Come on!
Do you have any idea who
owns this establishment?
Who sent you?
The international
red fucking cross!
Let's gather the harvest.
Come on gentlemen!
Come on!
Faster gentlemen! Faster!
I said..
Five minutes!
Fuck!
Come on! Faster, you
fucking cripple!
Aren't you forgetting something?
Like what?
Your ring!
Are you deaf?!
Put the ring on the
fucking table!
Shoot!
What?
Shoot him!
No! Oh, no! I can't..
I can't do it!
Fuck! Shoot him!
Motherfucker I'm telling you!
I can't!
Pour his fucking brains out!
Now!
I can't.
You're such a fucking pussy!
Oh fu..
Get back!
I promise I'll aim
better next time.
You're fucking mental!
Really?! You're not
the first to notice.
I'll find you!
I'll fucking find you!
And when I do..
I'll cut of your fucking balls..
And when you fucking eat them..
I'm gonna pull them out of your
fucking asshole with this hand!
You fucking fat cunt!
Oy?!
Is this what you
were looking for?
What?
Don't play silly
puppets with me!
You wanted your play with
his ring didn't you?
Well, as it happens..
I've grown quite fond of it.
I think I'll just adopt to it.
I'll think of it
as a present!
Fucking knew.
You fucking snake!
Come on! Come on!
Move! Move! Move! Now!
Move! Fucking move!
You come and investigate,
you're the police.
I'll call you back.
Mickey start the van!
Wait, what happened?
Drive! Just fucking drive!
Now wait a minute.
- Move!
- All right!
Shittin' Jesus Christ.
What was all that about?
Nothing Mickey.
- We're all good.
- Good?!
How can it be good Johnny?
I heard a fucking gunshot!
Need to clear your
ears out mate.
Probably just been foy.
Oh fuck off Ben!
Calm down Mickey.
Girls just..
Got a bit upset, that's all.
But we got you a present.
Piss off with your presents!
Are you sure about that?
Don't think you want me fucking
around with your future.
What is that?
Problems with your
eyesight, lad?!
Oh fuck! No!
No! No! No! No! No!
What did you do Johnny? Eh?
What the fuck did you do?
Set you up mate.
Tell me you're just having
another laugh, all right?!
Tell me that this is
just a fucking wind-up.
Not really.
I know you're pissed
off now mate.
But please
just try to calm down.
You tell me to calm down
just one more time
I will fucking end you!
Look at it, we always said
we were to start it new.
Now we can. All of us.
We're sorted.
Whose money is that?
Look at it as a long-term loan.
With payment optional.
Who saw you? you?
As far as I'm aware, no one!
You're in the clear mate.
And by the time those
guys sort themselves out,
we'll be long gone.
Gone?!
Gone where?
Malaysia my friend.
Sunshine. Paradise is
just around the corner.
And we've got a place for you.
If you're willing to join us.
Shit!
This is fucking real?!
You really are all just the
sneakiest, fucking donk shit, right?!
You're right Johnny,
you clever bastard.
Nobody did see me.
So I weren't there.
Just so we're clear?!
I didn't do anything!
You don't know me.
And I don't know you.
Any of you!
And if I ever see you again.
You're fucking dead!
I'll kill ya'll!
His name's John.
I don't know his last name.
That's all I know Paul, I swear.
Believe me.
I know I fucked up, I
fucked up big-time Paul.
But give me a chance, yeah?
And I'll get the fuckers myself.
I promise.
They'll pay.
Yeah, they'll pay.
I'll get the fuckers
myself, and they'll pay.
I promise you they'll pay, ok?
I'll get them! I'll
get them Paul.
Yeah? I'll get them..
Pst!
(SHUT THE) Fuck up!
(OR) I'll crush you!
I believe you.
Yeah?
Everybody pays.
Yeah.
He was in the fucking van.
He seems fucking familiar to me.
How come?
If that really is him then..
Then we've just been fucked
by the honorary guard of her
Majesty, Queen Elizabeth,
the fucking second.
If we get this little
prick, we find the others.
I want you to take
all of our boys
find out where they fucking live
where they drink
and even if they're coming up
to the queen of fucking England
I want them crown jewels.
- Hello?
- Where are you?
Oh, Jess.
Yeah, I.. I'm sorry darling.
- I'm waiting.
- Yeah, I'm on my way there now.
Are you ok? What's
the matter with you?
No no..
No. Everything's honky..
Everything's fine!
Hurry up then.
Yes, yes! I'll be there
in a minute, all right?!
Oh fuck!
- Oh shit!
- He's inside!
Fuck!
Shit.
Fucker's got away.
I need to go to the toilet.
Tim, what the fuck
are you doing?!
You don't know me!
I'll be back in a sec.
Excuse me.
Jesus Christ!
I promised ya'll I'd kill you!
Michael, I'm sorry! I wanted
to tell you, honestly.
Where is it?
I'm sorry.
Where is it?
It's on me!
Fuck!
Michael, don't do this! Listen, right!
There's no way back!
Mike, what the fuck
are you doing?
Mickey..
They found me Johnny!
Do you understand me?!
They found me and then
nearly fucking killed me!
Fuck you Mickeeey!
This is the final boarding call for
passengers on the flight F43421C
to Kuala Lumpur.
Please proceed to
gate C, immediately.
Thick clouds of
ash flew up today
forcing airlines to cancel
thousands of flights.
It drifted at high altitudes south & east,
from an erupting volcano in Iceland.
The airspace shut-down was one of the
most sweeping ever ordered in peace time.
The cloud made up of
minute particles of
silicate, that can severely
damage jet engines,
left airplanes stranded on the tarmac of
some of the world's busiest airports,
as it spread over Britain and
towards continental Europe.
5,000-6,000 of the 28,000 daily
flights across Europe were cancelled,
or redirected to the nearest available
airports, as the results of the ash plume.
The ash plume of volcano Eyjafjallajkull,
was reported to be drifting
at 18,000-33,000 feet
above the earth.
At those altitudes, the cloud is directly
in the road of commercial airliners...
Excuse me mate. Where are we?
Sorry mate, I don't speak
Malaysian, I'm sorry.
We found them.
It was about fucking time.
They didn't get as
far as Malaysia.
Some big volcano has
just erupted in Iceland.
The flight redirected.
To Lithuania.
Lith-a-fucking what?
Lithuania?!
Not Malaysia?!
It's in Eastern fucking Europe.
And the bastards
are still there.
How?
I mean how? How? How
did I get here?
You arrive here
about two hours ago
from the airport
with three friends.
I like them fucking Islandicks.
But I like the
volcanoes even better.
Let's get our asses
fucking out there.
Hey barman, give me some vodka.
Cheers fellow.
Benny my boy, lucky tonight.
See you back at the hotel.
I'll see you later.
Ben, don't you think we
should get back to the hotel.
You've gone fucking soft?!
I'm not going back to
some shitty hotel!
Hello boys. Our hen party
needs some company.
Where're you from?
England.
- Come on girls, surround them.
- All right ladies.
Right here, fucking right here!
Fuck!
Oh, you dumb fucks!
- Hello?
- Michael?
Jessica, thank God!
Were you ever planning
on calling me back?
How could you?
What the hell is going on?
What are you doing? Do you
have any idea how I feel?
Yes! Yes I know.
I'll be back in a couple
of hours, I promise!
- I don't give a shit about your promises..
- Jessie listen!
- To what?
- Airport please mate.
You're going to the airport?
Without me?
Good night my friend.
And you can't even explain to
me where you pissed off to?!
Why is that? Just don't call me anymore.
I don't want to hear shit anymore.
Jess, it's very, very confusing!
Is it?
But you have to trust me!
Are you sober?
Yes!
So where are you then?
Lithuan.. Oh, Jesus Christ.
- It doesn't really matter.
- Yes, it does.
I will explain everything to
you, when it becomes clear.
Why've we stop.. Look, can you just
wait a minute? Why've we stopped?
Look! I need to get to the airport mate!
I'm in a bit of a hurry..
Who's this now?
What's going on?
- What the hell is happening?
- What are you doing to me?
Are you at a party?
You're a son of a bitch Michael. How can
you have fun when my heart's broken?
How can I have ever
gotten with you?
And you have nothing
to say for yourself?
You can't even explain yourself?
Fuck you..
Oh fuck!
Oh Jesus Christ.
Hi.
I don't even know
how I got here.
I don't know where any of my
friends are and I need help!
Is your room 1402?
No, yea.. I don't know, why?
We came back..
Hmm... Men!
We said we're friends of yours.
Did they now?!
Johnny?!
Johnny where are you?! Show
me your faces you li..
- Fuck! Shit!
- That's him!
Who are you? What do you want?
I was going to ask
you the same thing.
Oh now, there's been
some kind of a mistake.
Mistake?!
Where there's a lot of greed,
there's plenty of mistakes.
No! You see, I didn't
know anything.
They set me up. They
ruined my plan.
Plan?!
Your plan is going to end
up the same way as Karl's.
Where is the money?
It was in here. I wanted
to give it back to you.
I swear to God, I wanted
to give it back to you.
Where's my fucking ring?
What ring? I don't
know, I don't know.
Get him up! Get him up!
Okay, it's.. It's in my pocket.
Where's my fucking ring?
- I just gave..
- Tony Montana gave me that fucking ring!
Does that ring any
bells with you?
Now where's my fucking ring?
I don't have anything
else to give to you.
I don't even fucking know how I got
here, what more can I fucking give.
- Shut the fuck up!
- Fucking hell!
Get him in there!
You must fucking like this?!
Open the door! Police.
Hello.
These guys. You know them?
- Yes. yes, I know them, yes.
- Good.
You must go with us. Come on!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't look like we're leaving
this place any time soon lads.
We need a motor. Let's
go find uncle Sam.
Officer?! Sir?!
The Mob.. Gangsters..
From London, really,
very, very serious men.
They're in my hotel.
They want their money.
But, it was taken, you
see, it's all gone.
You know this?
You want me to be
honest with you?!
They're not my actual friends.
In fact, I barely fucking know
them, but that is not important.
They are going to kill me.
You have to believe me!
What's money?
Who robbed you?
You?
How much money?
When?
Money, I..
What money?
No, no, no..
It's all good.
It's my fuck-up.
Four iron dicks and
two balls for each.
How much for all of them?
8,000. You won't
find any cheaper.
Is that right? Is that so?
Cheeky little fucker, isn't he?
Fuck it. Pay him and
let's get out of here.
Do you fucking
believe this shit?!
Here That's him.
What's your name?
Vova.
Ok Vova, listen very carefully,
I'm only gonna say this once.
Where did you get
that fucking watch?
Help. Help.
Father, can you help me?
Can you please help me?
Excuse me?
Will you please..
Fucking help me?
Please?!
Help me!
Okay. Okay.
Please?!
People, hear me out!
I
Have
money!
If we can just get back
to my fucking hotel
I can pay you
as much money
as you fucking want!
Just please?!
Fucking help me!
Okay.
Who the fuck are you?
Oh shit.
Oh fuck!
Please, I shouldn't be here.
Please, I haven't seen anything.
Just.. Just let me go.
Please, help me.
What the fuck is going on here?
That's him.
Well get the fucker!
Come on!
It's my first time here and
it's really, very nice.
Oh really?!
We can stop at my place.
- Sorry, I've got to go.
- So soon?
Who the fuck are you? What
the fuck is going on?
What are you doing?
Calm down! Listen to me!
Copper, where is
my fucking money?
One more time. Where
is the fucking money?
Fucking drive!
Where is it?
Where is it?
It's under the sofa.
All right. Fucking get it out!
Now open the bag!
- Is it all there?
- I don't know, count it.
Count it?!
Fucking prick!
Hello?
You piece of shit! Asshole!
You haven't even
bothered to apologize.
Look, Jessica..
Jessica, please just listen to me,
all right, you don't understand.
Oh I understand all right!
You and your Lithuanian bitches!
You met another woman.
- Some other fucking bitch.
- Jess will you hold please.
- I know it..
- Just fucking hold!
Ahh Jesus.
Can you move?
Your fucking radiator
is on top of me.
My radiator?!
Ask me..
How I've become attached
to this fucking radiator.
I should have killed you
in that fucking apartment.
Fuck you!
You skinny, Lithuanian bitch!
I trusted you!
And you left me
naked
covered in claret (BLOOD)
handcuffed!
Hey, steady..
It's my phone.
It's in the pocket.
Can you help?
Help.. you?!
Well yeah.
Since you can't
help yourself, ha?!
Fine.
Woa, woa, woa..
Lads, lads, lads..
Wh.. What's going on?
Wh.. What're you doing to me?
Hey, I'm military! Do
you understand that?
That means they'll
come looking for me.
And they'll find me to. That..
That.. That is for sure!
Oh, come on lads.
I work for her Majesty' service.
Do you understand? The Queen?
Oh come on, lads.
I'm the head of the honorary guard.
I'm a very important person!
Yeah?!
Fuck.
Tim, get up!
I don't mean to be
rude, darling, but..
Do we know each other?
Fuck you.
And by the way..
You both having me a striptease
for my party.
Aw fuck! Where'd you
get my ring from?
You gave it to me
as my wedding gift.
Wedding?!
What fucking wedding?
My wedding, your gift!
Do you remember anything?
Whatever!
I want my ring!
Let me go man!
This ring costs too much
to give to some fucking..
Fucking hell.
Who's that?
My fianc.
We are getting married tomorrow.
All right.
Maybe your boyfriend can
take us to the hotel.
Jesus Christ, I'll
fucking pay him.
You dirty bastard!
That is not fucking me!
Staska.
Fucking take it.
Look, love..
Just give us the ring back
and we'll fucking leave.
Yeah. We've got to make
a move, to be honest.
It's been an absolute pleasure.
Leave the fucking ring, yeah?!
Peace. Bye bye.
Forrest Timmy!
Run for the switch!
Hey pal!
Can you help us?
Why the fuck he's running for.
What's he..
Oh for fuck's sake.
Why would you change the side
of the fucking steering wheel?!
Why would you fucking do that?!
- Move over you fucking cunt.
- This fucking country is mental.
Just drive ok?!
Shut the fuck up Timmy!
Well don't just sit there.
Call Johnny.
With what, eh?! The
fucking phone?!
It's in the forest somewhere.
You fucking twat.
Come on. Fucking get up!
Where?
Which way?
Well I don't know, do I?
Hey Tim, look at all this grass.
You eat like a fucking
rabbit, don't you?!
I knew this would go tits up.
But like a mug
I've signed up for it.
With another mug.
You!
Fuck off!
What?
It's a fucking tattoo.
When?
You
are a fucking
twat!
Jesus Christ!
That ain't Jesus.
Not at all.
Excuse me please
- Are we arrive?
- Who? You?
We. Arrive.
Where you from please?
Who, Me?! I'm from England.
Where the fuck are you from?
And what you're doing
all cooped-up in there?
England.
England.
- England.
- Get the fuck off!
Thank you my friend.
What the fuck are you doing?!
Excuse me.
Do you speak English?
We're a bit lost, yeah?!
And we need to call a taxi.
Taxi?
We need to go back to the..
Hotel.
Hello.
We need to call a taxi.
You want call kurwa (WHORE)?
Twenty ponds kurwa.
One minute.
What? We only need
to call a taxi.
Kurwa, twenty five pounds.
Fuck off! It's
just a short call.
What kurwa?
Okay. Okay. We'll
take it, yeah?!
But you call the taxi.
Where you want kurwa go?
The hotel.
What kurwa hotel in this town?
No, no. Not "Kurwa" hotel.
Vilnius, yeah?
We need to go to Vilnius.
Are you kurwa nut?
Your village is a free hundred
kilometers from where.
No one kurwa in here never
go that's for kurwa.
Fucking hell!
- What?
- What kurwa?!
Your fucking Vilnius
is Zbyt Daleko (TOO
FAR) stop kurwa.
Now kurwa, give me my
twenty five pounds!
Fuck off!
We need to call our friends!
The money is in the hotel
and they will bring
it here, all right?!
I said kurwa, put the
money on the table!
Or you have kurwa big problem!
Don't fuck with me!
One call!
That's all I'm asking.
Now give me
the fucking phone!
Kurwa give me my money!
Kurwa!
Where are his Negros? you?
I told ya'll!
I don't know!
I've left them in a
fucking wood somewhere.
Oh my Goooood!
Ben!
There is no God in
this fucking country.
It's not our plane
for Malaysia?!
Sure.
Hey thanks.
No problem.
So I'm a..
Flying off to Malaysia tonight.
My mates are probably..
On their way already.
I'm jealous.
Hold that thought.
I
Will be back in a sec.
So, what's next?
I'd just love to get
rid of this thing.
Keep it as a souvenir.
Okay, let's go.
Fuck!
Come on!
Motherfucker!
Go! Go! Go!
Bang on it!
Motherfucker! Come
here you motherfucker!
Let's go! Go!
What the fuck is going on?
Just drive! Move! Move!
Move! Move!
Get closer to it, so he
can get a shot at it!
This is just fucked! Move!
Get back here!
Get back!
The money's in the hotel.
In the toilet. I'll
show you everything.
Don't worry about the money.
We have the money.
I got a little surprise for you.
Mickey, forgive me.
Forgive me Mickey.
I will fucking kill you myself!
You fucking cunt!
Are we finished ladies?
Now where's my fucking ring?
Ring?
That fucking ring!
Fucking Johnny, you cunt!
Don't fuck with me!
Hello, Johnny?
Johnny?
It's Ben, hello?
You listen to me very carefully!
Who is this?
Where's Johnny?
Where's Michael?
Your two mates will fucking live
as long as my
patience holds out.
Now, you bring my
fucking ring to me
and you bring it very delicately,
between your fucking teeth!
Do you understand?
I said, do you understand?!
Now, one more pause out of you
and I'm gonna blow his
fucking skull away
over this fucking call!
Talk!
Listen Ben!
We need the fucking ring!
What fucking ring?!
We need cash!
Ben, listen.
There's no money.
What?
Just bring the fucking ring,
we're gonna fucking die.
Just bring the fucking ring!
That's great Johnny,
that's right.
That's right Johnny,
bring the money.
I don't have the ring.
I don't have that fucking
ring, okay, but..
Great!
That's great! You've
got the ring.
No ring Johnny!
No ring!
Good news mate.
Tell us where you are?
Yeah, where are you fuckface?
We.. We're at the..
Lithuanian wedding.
What?
What the fuck is a
Lithuanian wedding?
Fucking Malaysia.
Fucking sunny beach.
Hey!
Dress up! You'll be dancing
'cause of wedding.
Now, I don't give a
fuck who you two are.
But I wanna know where
the fat man is?
Turk.
Where's the fat man?
'Un smooga', you cunt!
Be careful! Smile.
Jesus Christ.
I'll need that fat
piece of shit.
Now, where the fuck is he?
Fuck you!
'Kamatzo' to you!
Give my fucking dollars
and motherfucking Negros!
Now, you listen to me,
you fucking gipsy!
You get me that fucking prick!
Otherwise, I'll end
every fucking body here
and I'll level this
fucking place!
Now, where the fuck is he?
Where the fuck is he?
I'm losing my patience.
Where's the red cross now,
you fucking salad swerver?!
This is the part you give
me back my fucking ring.
Wait!
He don't have it.
He doesn't have
the fucking ring!
Not again.
Look, she's got it.
Get a hold of that fucking ring.
Kurwa!
I'm out.
Fuck it!
Motherfuckers.
Let's kick some ass boys.
Oh kurwa.
Please? Please? Please?!
Staska?!
Staska!
Where're you going
you fat bitch?!
Back off you little cunt!
Staska!
Where's that fucking
ring you fucker?!
You all right?
Yeah.
Just fucking perfect.
Over here.
Come on boys, up here.
Jesus Christ.
Hello mate.
I wonder if you could help us.
We're a little bit lost.
Sorry mate, didn't
get any of that.
We just wanna go home.
England.
Airport.
Which way is it?