Revenge of the Nerds III: The Next Generation (1992) Movie Script
[Rock]
Estimated A.A.O.C., one hour,
11 minutes and 33 seconds.
- What's A.A.O.C?
- Actual arrival on campus.
[Nerdy Laughing]
[Sighs]
College is gonna be so great.
Yeah, that's what you said
when we went to high school...
and we got the crap
knocked out of us every day.
There were a few incorrigible elements
in high school...
but it's completely
different at Adams.
Adams College was one of the first schools
in the country to treat nerds with respect.
It's the promised land,
kind of like a nerd Israel.
[Horn Honking]
Those guys are gonna
hurt somebody.
I haven't been back
to Adams College for 10 years.
The hardest part about movin' to New York
was havin' to quit the board of regents...
not being able to spend
more time on campus.
- It's a great school, Adam. You're gonna love it.
- I'm sure I will, sir.
The best years of my life
were spent at Adams.
It's where I learned
to compete, become a winner.
I credit Adams with molding me
into the man that I am today.
[Chuckles, Spits]
It'll do the same for you.
[Continues]
[Making Gun Noises]
[Continues]
- [Beeping]
- What's that?
Stealth technology.
It automatically detects radar...
and slows the car down
when police are near.
Ah, damn.
They're only going 45.
- Let's go get 'em.
- What for? They're not speeding.
- They're nerds.
- [Engine Starts, Revs]
[Continues]
[Ends]
Is there some problem,
Officer... Gab?
It's Gable.
Let me see your driver's license.
It's not a very good picture.
You got the proper
windshield wipers?
Certainly. What would you
like to see them do?
Just turn 'em on.
Well, the waste in your
ashtray looks flammable.
I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to cite you.
We're dead.
Air bags
on the back of cars...
would cut down on damage
from rear-end collisions by 72.3%.
[Rock]
I wish my son was a nerd.
See, Ira?
Nothin' to worry about.
This is gonna be a great year.
[Nerdy Laughing]
[Continues]
Boy, this is great.
I mean, it's beautiful.
Hasn't changed a bit.
[Chattering]
[Man] Why is that guard
dressed like such a jerk?
That's not a jerk, Dad.
It's worse. It's a nerd.
Protons, neutrons,
electrons merge!
We're the atom's power surge!
Go, Adams!
[Continues]
[Ends]
[Man]
What in the hell is a pocket protector?
We call 'em nerd packs.
It's what nerds wear to keep pens
from messing up their shirts.
Maybe I shouldn't go to Adams.
Oh, you're going here, Adam.
I named you after the damn school.
"E" equals...
"MC" squared!
"E" equals "MC" squared!
All right!
College women-
Look how much more developed
they are than high school girls.
Yeah, and they'll probably treat us worse
than they did in high school too.
Ira, not if we meet
the challenge head-on.
Look. In this love bag...
I've got everything
we'll ever need at college-
an illustrated edition
of the Kamma Sutra-
- Oh! Ha!
- Huh?
- Oh.
- A fur love glove.
Wow!
Oh, hey, look
what else I got.
- Mints!
- No. Condoms.
But we're virgins.
Not for long.
[Laughs]
Well, this is it, my boy.
This is where
we used to play ball.
This is where we beat Saint John's
the year they went to the final four.
[Chuckles]
What a game that was.
This is the
computer science center?
What the hell's going on here?
Isn't this great? They turned the gymnasium
into the computer science center.
We'll never have
to take P.E. Again.
[Nerdy Laughing]
Oh, boy. This college is even greater
than I imagined.
And to think that my uncle is chairman
of the computer science department.
Hey, are you sure it's okay for me to go
over to his house with you?
- I hate to impose.
- No "problemo."
My uncle is the greatest
guy in the world.
I'm sure he's dying to see us.
[Tires Screeching]
Oh, my gosh.
- [Gasps] Oh, honey!
- Hi.
Hi, darling.
How was your day?
It was wonderful. I think we got federal
funding for the solar computer project.
- That's great.
- Big bucks
for the computer science department.
It almost assures the dynamic systems
and I.L.G. Accounts.
Honey, you are so fantastic.
You just keep racking up these computer
consultant jobs for Adams.
Well, babe,
what can I tell you?
When you're hot... you're hot.
[Nerdy Laugh, Coughs]
- It's okay to laugh.
- No, it isn't.
- It isn't hip.
- It turns me on, darling.
Oh, Betty.
So how was your day?
It was great.
I lectured on the difference
between Chagall and Mir.
Oh, Mir's been appreciating
far more rapidly over the past 10 years.
Darling, I'm concerned with their technique,
not their selling price.
The heck with the technique.
Give me the green.
- Hungry?
- Starved.
Great, because we're
having Tuscan monkfish...
and grilled
babyJapanese eggplant.
- Mmm.
- Don't ruin your appetite.
I hope we have enough
for your nephew and his friend.
- Are they coming over?
- Yes. They're on their way.
- Oh.
- Aren't you excited to see Harold?
Of course I am, Betty.
I love Harold.
He's a wonderful kid.
It's just... the way he dresses.
He's such a... nerd.
What's wrong with that?
You were when you were his age.
That's why I fell
in love with you.
I may have been perceived
as that in the past, Betty...
but I'm certainly not
thought of that way anymore.
- [Alarm Blaring]
- [Man's Voice] Attention!
This is a smoke alert!
[Alarm Continues Blaring]
- Uncle Lewis.
- Harold.
- Hey.
- Hey, Harold.
Uh, it's not Lewis anymore.
People call me Lew now.
- Oh, sure, Uncle Lew.
- Okay.
- Hi, Harold.
- Aunt Betty.
- How are you doing?
- Is it still Aunt Betty,
or are you now Elizabeth?
- Oh, it's just, um, plain old Aunt Betty.
- Oh.
Hey, Harold, who's your friend?
Oh, Uncle Lewis- Lew-
and Aunt Betty...
this is my best friend
in the whole world, Ira Poppus.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi, Ira.
- Oh, what happened to your hand, Mr. Skolnick?
Ah, it's just a little lab accident.
Wow.
So, where are you boys living?
Oh, we're over at the freshman dorm
till we pledge a fraternity.
Which one?
We hope to go
Lambda Lambda Lambda.
Mm. Well, I hope you fellas are planning
on rushing other fraternities as well.
No. Why should we?
You were a Tri-Lamb.
Well, that's true. But one thing I've learned
in life is that appearances are everything.
What are you putting
in their minds, Lew?
Harold, I never told you this, but I always
wanted to be an Alpha Beta.
Alpha Beta?
That's a jock house, isn't it?
That's right.
And I didn't get in.
It's something I've had
to live with my entire life.
[Clears Throat] I, uh, loved the barbecued
purple things, Uncle Lew.
Those are the baby
Japanese eggplant.
- Finished, Ira?
- Uh-huh.
L-I loved the Tuscan fish,
Mr. Skolnick.
It's the first time
I've had fish not in stick form.
[Nerdy Laughing]
Boys, don't laugh like that.
Don't laugh like that!
Why not?
Laugh any way
you want, boys.
Sometimes your uncle
is embarrassed that he's a nerd.
- Am not.
- Are too.
- Am not! Am not!
- Are too! Are too!
Would you like to go with us to
the football game tomorrow, Uncle Lew?
You gotta be kidding.
We haven't won a game in three years.
It's not like the glory years
when I was a student at Adams.
Your Aunt Betty
had a boyfriend, Stan Gable.
He was the quarterback then.
He sure knew how to win.
But you won me, darling.
Butterfly?
[Giggles]
I can't believe your Uncle Lewis
isn't proud of his past.
Don't be ridiculous, Ira.
He's just a grown-up now. That's all.
He was one of the founding
fathers of Lambda Lambda Lambda.
My mom tells me he was like
a nerd George Washington.
Maybe I was just getting
the wrong vibes.
Of course you were.
[Sighs]
[Doorbell]
They're playing our song.
Oh, I love Tri-Lamb already.
Welcome to Lambda Lambda Lambda
fraternity.
- Uh, hi. We're interested in being Tri-Lambs.
- Hi.
Well, you've come
to the right place.
I'm Malcolm Pennington III,
the Tri-Lamb president.
Are you named
after Malcolm 10?
- [Nerdy Laughing]
- I can tell you're Tri-Lamb timber.
[Computer Voice]
Enjoy your refreshments...
and thank you for rushing
Tri-Lamb fraternity.
This is the life.
[Ira] Wow. This is so exciting.
Look at all this hardware.
Nothing but the best.
Basketball players get free shoes.
We get computers.
Which would you rather have?
- [Both Laughing]
- Excuse me.
I'm terribly sorry to bother you,
but I really must tinkle.
Could you tell me
where the lavatory is?
- Around the corner.
- Oh, thank you very much.
Trevor Gulf. Great guy.
He's from England.
He could be
in your pledge class.
Oh, that's great- meeting
nerds from different lands.
Let me introduce you
to some of the Tri-Lambs.
[Harold]
Who's that guy over there?
Oh, uh, that's
Steve Toyota.
Steve's the editor
of the school paper.
- Toyota!
- Enjoy your refreshments-
[Continues, Indistinct]
I'd like you to meet,
uh, Harold and Ira.
Toyota?
Are you Japanese?
[Southern Drawl]
Heck no, boy. I'm Korean.
Why do you talk like that?
South Korean.
Seviche with fresh cilantro.
Thank you.
I grew the cilantro
in our greenhouse.
Come. Come. I'll show you.
[Beeping]
We grow all our own
herbs and vegetables...
as well as orchids
to give to our dates.
In addition to being
a gourmet chef and botanist...
Mason is also the school mascot-
the Adams Atom.
Boy, it looks like
you Tri-Lambs do everything.
- [Loud Drilling]
- What's that?
[Malcolm]
That's Edith Krug.
She's president
of the Archaeology Society.
She's uncovering a major find
right here in the basement.
[Coughs]
Howdy.
- You have girls in Tri-Lamb?
- Oh, yes.
Tri-Lamb doesn't discriminate...
nor do we instigate
a means to segregate.
It is ourjob to facilitate
a means to educate.
We believe that diversity
is the cement...
the Krazy Glue, if you will...
that bonds us together.
Yo, bullet head! Bust it!
- [Hip-hop]
- Tri-Lamb, here we go.
Ah!
[Continues, Faint]
Whoa. What a great frat.
Is this Alpha Beta?
No. Lambda Lambda Lambda.
I never heard of'em.
When I went to school, anybody
who was anybody pledged Alpha Beta.
Come on.
We're almost there.
- Nice house, Dad.
- What the hell happened?
Welcome to Alpha Beta
rush week.
I'm Bobo Peterson,
rush week coordinator.
Orrin Price, class of 1960.
My son, Adam.
He'll be joining your fraternity this year.
Oh. Want some chicken?
Come. Join our riotous debauch.
Tell me, what fraternity
is Lambda Lambda Lambda?
It's a nerd house.
It's cool, isn't it?
[Rock]
How's this year's
pledge class coming, Bobo?
Oh, great. Anybody
who wants to can get in.
I wish we could get some nerds though.
It's almost impossible.
Wait a minute.
Nerds at Alpha Beta?
Yeah. They could raise
our grade point average...
and fix up our house real
nice like the Tri-Lambs.
I can't believe I'm hearing this.
Dad, what happened to your fraternity?
I never thought I'd see the day that I'd be
ashamed to be an Alpha Beta.
Me too. Stan Gable,
class of '80.
Orrin Price, '60.
When I went to Adams, Alpha Beta was
the most respected fraternity on this campus.
Yeah. Now look at 'em.
I'm down here trying to help
these guys with rush week.
- It's pathetic.
- You're nothing but a bunch of losers.
Hey, who you calling losers?
- You.
- Oh.
You all are. You've let the nerds
take over this campus.
It's not our fault. It was
like that when we got here.
Well, it wasn't always
that way, Bobo.
There was a time when
Alpha Beta stood for something.
There was a time
when being an Alpha Beta...
meant you could have any
chick on campus you wanted.
There was a time
when being an Alpha Beta...
meant you could shove
anybody you wanted to around!
I remember those days.
You could be remembered
as the guys who take the campus back!
We could? How?
You have to hit 'em where they hurt!
You can't just sit there like a bunch of morons...
and let 'em roll over you!
You're right.
Let's go kick some nerd butt.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
You're a natural-born leader, Gable.
I like your style.
- [Phone Ringing]
- [Man's Voice] Incoming phone call.
Hello? Oh, no!
That's the worst thing
I've ever heard.
What about a beehive?
What's wrong?
Oh, some vandals have desecrated
the computer center.
[Chattering]
[Man] Things like this make me think
I'm getting too old for this job.
That's nonsense, Arnold.
You still got plenty of lead
left in your pencil.
As dean of students, I have a responsibility
to the safety of our young people.
I wouldn't want
any students getting hurt.
Why would anyone
do something like this?
Einstein never hurt anyone.
As a concerned alumnus
whose family has contributed...
millions of dollars over
the years to Adams College...
I'm deeply troubled by what happened
at the Leon T. Price Computer Science Center.
We share your concerns.
But what do you suggest we do?
I think it's time Adams
moved into the '90s...
with a new direction,
a new purpose...
and, above all, a new dean.
Dean Ulich is due
for retirement soon.
He's been a great dean.
I love the man.
And I love the man too.
But his time has passed.
We need fresh blood.
We need a new dean.
A man who, when given the proper
authority and manpower...
can restore order to our campus.
Bold thinking, Orrin.
I like it. What you say
makes a great deal of sense.
We should start searching
for a new dean immediately.
Gentleman, lady, I believe
I've found the man for the job.
I really want to thank you from the bottom
of my heart for all you've done for me.
I've always dreamed of being dean.
I just want to let you know
I'm not gonna let you down.
I'm gonna give it 110%!
- Great. You start on Monday.
- Oh, I can't on Monday.
I was supposed to play golf.
I mean, I hope that's okay.
- I could change it-
- Do what I say...
and you can play golf
whenever you want.
Oh. Where is it?
There it is.
Now, there's somebody I wouldn't mind
having a heart attack with.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
- How about you, Stan?
- Ah, she's okay.
I got somebody else
on my mind.
We went together in college.
She left me and married
some nerd geek.
Perhaps now is the time
to get her back.
Now that I'm dean,
perhaps I will.
[Woman]
Pledges, you may enter.
Remove the blindfolds.
Are the intercoastals ready?
[Rattling]
Are the acolytes ready?
Whoo, whoo, whoooo!
We can begin.
For the last couple of days,
Tri-Lamb has done...
everything it can do
in order to try to impress you.
You are the precious few who have been
selected tojoin Lambda Lambda Lambda.
Now it's your turn
to try to impress us.
- Whoo!
- [Rattling]
We don't believe
in a long pledging process.
There is absolutely no physical
hazing under any circumstances...
but... we do have Heck Week...
and your Heck Week
is about to begin now.
Prepare to meet
your pledge trainer.
[Jazz]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
All right. Maybe later on
I'll let you touch my leg.
- [Groans]
- Now listen up.
The beanie
is a symbol of respect...
that all pledges must show
to their Tri-Lamb elders.
The egg symbolizes the new life you are
about to embrace as Tri-Lamb eggheads.
Y'all must be tired of standing.
Just to show you The King's got a heart,
I'm gonna let you sit down.
- [Groaning]
- [Eggs Smashing]
Quite soothing.
When the early nerds were driven
from their home by the Alpha Betas...
and forced to live in the gym...
they weren't able to take
their computers with them.
Therefore, we honor their memory
by not using computers during Heck Week.
I thought they said no hazing.
Let Heck Week begin!
[Stops]
Pledges, Toyota
has left the building.
- [Laughs] I don't know if it's such a good idea.
- Oh, come on, honey.
- What about the neighbors?
- Who's gonna see us?
[Sighs, Moans]
Oh, Lew, you're so persuasive.
- I'll get the bubbly.
- [Giggles]
Hurry back.
[Doorbell Chimes]
[Man's Voice]
There is a visitor at the door.
Stan Gable?
Hi.
Lew Skolnick, class of'81.
Yeah, I remember you, Lewis.
- You do?
- How could I forget you?
- You stole Betty from me.
- You gonna hit me?
No.
[Laughs]
No. In fact, uh,
I came to apologize.
You know, I have always felt bad
about how I was back in college.
Listen, I was just down
at the old alma mater...
and I heard that you run
the computer department...
and I thought I'd stop by
and say hi.
[Laughs] Betty's gonna be
so surprised to see you.
Betty, look who's here!
- Lew! What are you doing?
- Hey, you look great, Betty.
Turn around!
Both of you.
- Betty teaches in the art department.
- Is that right? Hmm.
Okay. I'm dressed.
I didn't know you liked art, Betty.
Well, there are a lot of things
that you didn't know about me, Stan.
Lewis has opened up
all kinds of new worlds for me.
I feel very fulfilled.
That's nice.
You married, Stan?
No. No, I'm, uh- I'm divorced.
[Gasps]
That's horrible. I'm really sorry.
Well, don't be.
There's only one girl I really... love.
Well, I hope
someday you get her.
Hey, do you wanna hop in
the water with Betty?
I'll get you a swimsuit. I'm gonna make
some hummus with some blue corn chips.
Oh, no. I don't want you
to go to any trouble.
It's not any trouble.
It'd be my pleasure.
It's just so great
that you're here.
Well...
what brings you here, Stan?
Well, I just realized that I hadn't talked
to you guys in a long time...
and, uh, I thought maybe-
maybe... we could
get reacquainted.
I can't believe
we ate all the hummus.
Maybe I should make
some more.
Well, I'm gonna get out,
'cause I'm turning into a prune.
Aw, it's really great
seeing you guys again.
I don't know if you've heard about it yet,
but Dean Ulich is retiring.
I've been nominated
as his replacement.
You're gonna be dean?
I thought you were a cop.
The future of Adams College
is very important to me, Betty.
- Of course.
- As a police officer...
you really get to see the-
the dark side of human nature.
Now, we can't let what happened at
the computer center the other day continue.
It's time to nip
this lawlessness in the bud.
You know, it sounds to me like you
have the makings of a fine dean, Stan.
Thanks.
I'm gonna take this in.
You know, uh, I know I did some pretty rotten
things to you when we were in college.
I just hope
we can become friends now.
Well, I always liked you, Stan.
You didn't like me.
I'd be honored
to be your friend.
Yeah? You seem like
a pretty cool guy now.
- I do?
- Yeah.
[Nerdy Laughing]
[Bubbles Popping]
Are you okay?
Of course. I was just
wetting the back of my head.
[Swing]
[Toyota] Now, your first step
in becoming Tri-Lambs...
is to prove your stamina and endurance
during this Week of Heck.
- [Continues]
- [Snoring]
Next, you must demonstrate
your ability to master...
the primitive tools
of your forefathers.
[Stops]
Harold, I don't think
I can make it through Heck Week.
Don't be ridiculous, Ira.
You're doing great.
It's just a physical reaction
to not being able to use a computer.
It's called C.W.S. -
computer withdrawal syndrome.
We all have it.
You can make it, Ira.
I know you can.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- Harold?
- Yes, Ira?
Can I tell you
a secret?
Sure.
This is the closest
I've ever slept to a girl before.
- [Snoring]
- Me too.
- Not counting my mom or my sister.
- [Nerdy Laughing]
[Swing]
[Toyota]
And most importantly...
you must show that you
can work together as one...
by doing everything
this week as a team.
I can't take it anymore.
I crack!
[Stops]
You gotta keep going.
I can't.
It's 4:00 in the morning.
I'm cleaning computer
hardware with a toothbrush.
Try flossing the keyboard.
There's only one more day.
Tomorrow night,
after we put out the fire of desire...
we're Tri-Lambs forever.
[Drums]
It's impossible. We're never
gonna get this fire out.
Oh, bosh! Now we'll
never be Tri-Lambs!
- Think, Harold! Think!
- Think? Think.
Wait a second. Everything
we've done this week...
is for us to work together
as one, as a team.
We've all gotta spit
together! That's it!
- That's it, Harold!
- [Trevor] Good show!
[Grunting]
- Victory!
- [All Cheering]
Victory!
We did it!
And as chairman
of the faculty senate...
it is indeed my great pleasure...
to give to you
a man of courage...
a man of vision,
a man of honor.
Ladies and gentlemen,
your new dean of students...
Stanley Harvey Gable.
- [Applause]
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Dean Gable.
- Thanks, Lewis.
- [Fanfare]
- [Malcolm] Please welcome
our newest members.
Ira Poppus.
[All Cooing]
Judith Clapp.
[All Cooing]
You're back in action, boys.
Go get those nerds!
Nerds!
- Wh-What are we doing again?
- Go get 'em!
Let's knock 'em back
to the nerd age!
[All Whooping, Shouting]
Trevor Gulf.
[Cooing]
Thank you.
[Cries]
And last but not least, the president
of this year's pledge class...
Harold Skolnick.
[Cooing]
It is with great pride and joy...
I declare you are now officially...
Lambda Lambda Lambdas.
- We did it!
- [All Cheering]
[Shouting, Yelling]
Get away, you butt-head!
[Shouting Continues]
Marvelous.
Just marvelous.
We just don't have fun like this
back in Stratfordshire.
Please. Please. I can't get wet.
I'll get an earache!
Why are you dissing us?
We never did anything to you!
You were born.
That's enough.
[Screams]
Let's go!
[Shouting Continues]
Why won't they
just leave us alone?
I don't know, Ira.
I just don't know.
[Gentle Thudding]
So, what seems to be
the problem, boys?
A group of thugs ruined
our initiation picnic, sir.
For no reason
at all, sir.
Why would somebody
do something like that?
We think it was the same people
who desecrated the computer center, sir.
- You do, do you?
- It might be anti-nerd related, sir.
Anti-nerd, huh?
Well, I'll see what
I can do for you boys.
Let me just, uh,
give you guys a little tip.
Now, don't get me wrong.
Some of my best friends are nerds...
but you people can't keep pushing your
lifestyle on others like you've been doing.
You're only bringing
this abuse upon yourselves.
Now, I'm sure things are
gonna be better from now on.
Yeah. Better for me.
[Chuckles]
Ah, it's so great
being the dean.
[Kissing]
Honey.
Lewis, I-
I'm worried, honey.
- What? You're hairy?
- No. I said I'm worried.
Get a body wax.
I didn't say I'm hairy.
I said I'm worried.
What are you
worried about, honey?
The Alpha Betas.
[Sighs]
I feel like I'm in college again.
I'm sitting here worrying about
the Alpha Betas, and I can't score with you.
Well, I just can't get over that they destroyed
the Tri-Lamb initiation picnic.
Oh, darling, that was just
fraternity high jinks.
Remember when I panty-raided
your sorority house?
That's the first time
I saw you naked.
- Oh. Oh, Lewis.
- Lew.
I've never been able
to resist you, Lew.
That's because there's
nothing like the loving...
of a hard-driving
computer-literate man.
[Beeps]
[Giggling]
Blue 32! Hut! Hut!
Hey, hey, hey, Slim. How you doin'?
Wanna play some ball?
Oh, I-I don't know.
I really must be off.
- Oh, come on.
- It's just ball, man.
A little exercise
never hurt anybody, huh?
Well, all right then.
What do I do?
When I say hike, you hike me the ball,
and you run for a pass.
- You got it? Hike. Hike!
- Hike. Yes. Hike.
- Go. Go! Go!
- Hike.
- Go! Go! Deeper!
- Keep going! Go!
Go! Go! Go!
- All the way!
- Go! Go!
- Oh!
- [Screams]
- Touchdown!
- Yeah! [Laughs]
I can't believe we actually
have dates tonight.
I know. I'm pretty excited myself.
- Hey! Hey! What are you doing?
- Hey! Help! Help!
- Help!
- Stop it! Ow!
Hey! Ow!
We want you to look good
for your dates.
The girls are gonna love it.
[Laughing]
[Laughing Stops]
I thought we'd put
these times behind us.
Prejudice never goes away.
It just lays at the bottom
of the swamp like pond scum...
waiting for its moment
to come to the surface like pocker flies.
- What's a pocker fly?
- A devious insect...
whose larvae lie dormant
for an indeterminate gestation period...
till they give birth
without forewarning.
Man, sorry I asked.
What are we
gonna do about this?
I say we lay low,
build a cluster bomb...
and blow the Alpha Betas
to their maker.
Violence only breeds
more violence.
- So?
- Ira's right.
We've gotta work
within the system.
Things are different than they used to be.
We nerds control the campus now.
We've gotta use that power.
Malcolm, you're president of the Greek Council.
Can't you do anything?
Yes, I can.
Toyota, you're editor
of the school paper.
I think it's time we saw
a little editorial on our new dean.
It'd be my pleasure.
It's time for us
to flex our muscles.
There isn't a muscle
in this room.
Well, let's flex the greatest
muscle of all- our brains.
[Nerdy Laughing]
As president
of the Greek Council...
I move that the Alpha Beta fraternity
be placed on social probation.
All in favor?
Uh, not.
- Alpha Betas hurt nerds!
- Make them stop!
- Alpha Betas hurt nerds!
- Make them stop!
- Alpha Betas hurt nerds!
- Make them stop!
- It doesn't even rhyme.
- That's not the point, Bobo.
- Make them stop!
- Alpha Betas hurt nerds!
[Sighs] They printed my scores
on the police boards.
I didn't think
I did that badly.
How'd they get that information?
It's supposed to be private.
They're nerds. With their advanced
knowledge of computers...
they can get any
information they want.
Well, Dean Gable, it's time
we take off the gloves.
It's time we start
some nerd bashing.
I'm with you
all the way, Orrin.
Let's let
the good times roll.
[Both Laughing]
[Sander Whirring]
[Laughing Continues]
Give me that.
You are being impaired.
- Impeached.
- Impeached.
Ow.
[Toyota] Well, so much
for flexing our muscles.
It's time for us to play our trump card,
our ace in the hole.
- We're gonna nuke 'em?
- Better.
We're gonna appeal to someone
who can really help us...
a man who many years ago fought
the battle for nerd rights.
I'd leave well enough alone.
If things get any more well around here,
Mr. Skolnick, we'll all be dead.
Well, you gotta understand
something, kids.
These things are tricky.
You wouldn't want to create a backlash.
Create a backlash?
We've already been lashed.
All right. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'll talk to Dean Gable personally.
- We've already talked to him, Uncle Lewis.
- Lew.
Harold, you have to understand.
Dean Gable and I are like this.
So, Stan, you really haven't
heard anything about it?
Certainly not.
But I'll tell you this.
I'm sure as heck gonna
get to the bottom of it right away.
- Will you really?
- Certainly will.
There's no place for injustice
in the Gable administration.
- That's just what I knew you'd say.
- This is for you to sign.
What am I signing?
Those are the monthly
appropriations requests. It's nothing.
Ruth, what am I supposed
to do today anyway?
Well, where should I begin? Since you
became dean, you haven't done anything.
Well, you don't just
rush into these things.
Well, your budget
is due next Monday.
Budget. I haven't
even looked at it yet.
- How am I supposed to get it done by Monday?
- I don't know.
Especially since you have a symposium
on educational administration this weekend.
- Do I have to write a speech?
- It would help. Unless you're gonna wing it.
Would you like me
to help you write a speech?
- Would you, Lew?
- It would be my pleasure.
Stan, you know,
I don't mean to be blunt...
but you're never gonna make it
as dean unless you learn to use a computer.
- [Laughs] Me use a computer?
- That's right.
Now, Stan, the computer
is your friend.
Well, what do I do?
Well, you start
by cleaning it up.
[Vacuum Whirring]
Then you put in
a floppy disk.
- A what?
- Floppy disk.
- Then you turn it on.
- [Processing]
Hey, no peeking.
- Lew!
- [Nerdy Laughing]
[Muffled Laughing]
[Clears Throat]
Hay fever.
[Harold]
Hey.
Harold.
- So?
- So-
It's gonna take time
to investigate...
but I have Dean Gable's
personal assurance...
he's gonna look into this
right after his symposium next weekend.
You don't really believe that?
Why shouldn't I?
Because Gable's shinin' you on.
It's a smoke screen.
It's a sham.
These things are wrong.
They should be taken care of right now.
Harold, I understand.
I was full of spit and vinegar
when I was your age.
You just got to be patient.
Sometimes it takes a while for the system
to correct mistakes.
Well, I'm not
just gonna stand by...
and watch my brothers
be abused and persecuted.
I'm gonna do something
about this now.
Harold, I wouldn't rock the boat.
You might just tip it over.
What's happened to you,
Uncle Lewis?
- Lew.
- I don't know who you are anymore.
The uncle I always
loved and admired...
was a great
warrior for nerd rights.
I was proud to have his Skolnick blood
running through my veins.
His name wasn't Lew.
It was Lewis.
Lewis Skolnick.
I can't believe
we just got rejected...
by the American
Liberties Association.
That's pretty low.
They defend Nazis.
Well, we'll get
another attorney.
Duh. Attorneys cost
mucho dinero.
Maybe there's a Tri-Lamb alum
who will do it for free.
We happen to have
the complete bio...
of every Tri-Lamb
of all time right in here.
[Computer Beeping]
Computer analyst, accountant,
mechanical engineer...
M.D., dentist,
rocket scientist.
Aren't there any Tri-Lambs
that became lawyers?
[Scoffs]
We got too much integrity.
Oh. Wait, wait.
Here's one.
- [Harold] Bingo.
- Dudley Dawson...
a.k.a. Booger?
I wonder why they
call him Booger.
[Siren Wailing]
[Phone Rings]
Hello? If you need an attorney called Booger,
you picked the right one.
- [Wailing Continues]
- No, I'm kind ofbusy right now.
I'm on my way
to meet a client.
The Tri-Lambs are in trouble?
I'll be right there.
No, no, no.
I don't want any money.
I want to go back to college.
I want to live in a fraternity.
I want to date college girls.
Are the Mus still on campus?
- [Tires Screeching]
- I'm on my way.
Mu!
Boy, this looks real appetizing.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Those are yeast balls.
Mmm. These are delish.
- And nutrish.
- Let's hear it for the chef, huh?
- [Snapping]
- Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Ah!
A truly triumphant
tribute to truffles!
Hey, can't we get some
real food, you know?
Like Gummi bears, chips,
Lucky Charms, or Cheez Whiz?
- Health food is good for you, Toyota.
- Hey, I can't live on sprouts.
You know, they make my teeth itch.
Cows eat this crap.
We're supposed to eat cows.
That's the law of nature.
[Bullhorn]
Let's party!
- Who are you?
- I'm your attorney.
- Oh, Mr. Dawson.
- No, no, no. Call me Booger.
- Certainly, Mr. Booger.
- No, no. Not Mr. Boog-
Well, no. Wait a minute.
I kind of like that.
"Mr. Booger."
It's kind of distinguished.
What are you guys eating?
Cows eat that crap!
I like this guy already.
[Chuckles] Hey, it's really nice of you guys
to ask me out for dinner.
Hey, Stan, that's what friends...
- are supposed to do with their friends.
- Well-
- What a babe.
- Lew.
- You can say that again.
- What a babe.
[Nerdy Laugh, Coughs]
Lewis, maybe, um-
Maybe you should ask her to join us.
- Then maybe she could be Stan's date.
- Yeah.
Hey, Stan,
wanna go out with her?
- Well, I don't-
- Oh, come on, Stan. You know you do.
- Well, I, uh- [Sputters]
- Go for it, honey.
- Excuse me. Miss?
- Ooh. Yes?
Could you, uh, tell me where the, uh,
Casa Tortilla restaurant is?
- Oh. Um, yeah.
- Does he always do this?
You seem to be rubbing off on him,
Stan.
It's a wonderful restaurant.
They have great chimichangas.
- So do you.
- Lewis!
Wanna join us?
Oh, I don't know.
Uh-
No, really. You'll have a great time.
What's your name?
- Tina.
- Tina? That's a beautiful name.
- Thank you.
- Tina, uh, this is my wife, Betty.
- Oh. Hello, Betty.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- This is Tina.
And this is our good friend
Stan Gable.
He's the dean
of Adams College.
Oh, yeah. I've seen
your picture in the paper.
You're the dean
with the low I.Q.
- [Laughing]
- [Sighs]
- Whose toe is that?
- Oh!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop it.
- Whoo!
- You guys are really a lot of fun.
- Thanks for a great evening.
- Ah, hey, don't thank me. Thank Lew.
Hey, we're the guys.
We gotta stick together.
- [Doorbell Rings]
- [Man's Voice] There is a visitor at the door.
- [Betty] Oh. I wonder who that could be.
- Let's have a little look-see.
There's only one person
who can pick a nose like that.
Booger, you son of a gun!
Long time, no see.
I hope I'm disturbing you.
- All wet!
- [Laughs]
[Both Laugh]
[Coughs]
Yeah.
[Laughing]
- Booger!
- Betty!
Hey, Booger.
Wait a minute.
You're partying
with Stan Gable?
Yeah. Isn't that a hoot?
Who'd have thought?
Oh, come on, Lewis!
He hates us! He tried to destroy
the Tri-Lambs.
Booger, that was years ago.
He's a cool guy.
- Come on. Party with us.
- I ain't partying...
with no nerd-hater, and I can't believe
you would either.
Stan is a changed man.
- Yeah. Gilbert told me
you had changed too, Lewis.
- What are you talking about?
You've become the worst
kind of nerd-
a self-hating one.
[Laughs] Come on, Booger.
Give me a break.
You know, in school, you were
the George Washington of nerds.
Now, looks like you're
the nerd Benedict Arnold.
Booger.
Hey, come on, man.
Booger!
[Laughs]
Can you believe that guy?
He's got the same old hang-ups
he had as an undergrad.
Poor Booger hasn't changed at all.
[Scoffs]
- We asked the girls what
they thought of your bod.
- [Audience Laughing]
And they told us, Dave.
And one of them said...
"My eyes bounced from bodacious
biceps to bitchin' butt.'"
[Crowd Cheering, Screaming]
Well, you were right
about your uncle.
He's forgotten who he is.
But there's no point
in crying over spilled milk.
We've got a lot of work to do.
We are going to court tomorrow.
Mason, Judy,
take care of depositions...
requests for admissions,
and proximate interrogatories.
Malcolm, I need you and Edith
to research wrongful termination...
venue jurisdiction,
and proximate causation.
Ira, Harold, look into contributory negligence
and assumption of risks.
Toyota, go get us some chili dogs.
It's almost 9:30.
Wake up, everybody!
We're gonna be late!
The only way you'll learn
not to jaywalk...
is to teach you a lesson.
I'm sentencing you
to a week of traffic school.
You bastard!
I'd rather go to jail.
Fine. A week in jail
and a week of traffic school.
Next.
This will be a piece of cake.
It's like leading Tri-Lambs
to the slaughter.
[Laughs]
[Panting]
Well, it's about time.
Your Honor,
I respectfully request-
nay, demand-
an immediate injunction...
restraining Dean Stan Gable...
from overstepping his power...
and discriminating
against the members...
of the Lambda Lambda Lambda
fraternity at Adams College.
Get out of here.
Your Honor...
there is a very definite abridgment
of my clients' civil rights here.
Civil rights, my butt. There's no mention
of nerds in the Constitution.
Get out of my courtroom.
Ha! Thanks a lot. Appreciate it.
Mmm.
[Stan Laughing, Chattering]
Bye.
Adams isn't any different
than anywhere else.
We've been kidding
ourselves all these years.
People still hate us.
- What are we gonna do now?
- Isn't there some way we can appeal it?
Not really.
But, my little nerdlings...
when you're really
down and out...
there's only one thing
you can do-
And that is party
with an Omega Mu!
- [Women Cheering]
- Mu!
[Pop]
[Continues]
I just love the way you
Americans bust a move!
[Pop]
Your love line is very long.
- It is?
- Oh, yes.
Your palm says you
are very sensitive...
and will be a wonderful lover.
It does?
Wanna see if it's true?
Oh, well. Wait! Wait!
Not here.
Meet me upstairs.
[Continues]
It's been 10 years since I've slow-danced
with a Mu, Toyota.
Enjoy it while you can.
Hey, Ira, I think
I'm about to be de-virginized.
- With a girl?
- Yeah.
[Continues]
- Hey, what's goin' on here?
- Oh, uh, Harold...
I'd like you to meet Mechtilda.
Mechtilda-
[Speaking Foreign Language]
Mechtilda is a Kurdish
foreign exchange student.
Oh, a nerd and a Kurd?
A Kurd nerd. How great.
- [Laughing]
- [Nerdy Laughing]
[Harold]
I got to go.
Don't forget your party hat.
[Laughs]
I love college.
All right! Everybody stay where you are.
This is a raid.
Excuse me. Um, could you come back
in about 10 minutes?
I'm Malcolm Pennington III, the Tri-Lamb
president. Do you have a warrant?
Of course.
Hey, why are y'all
invading our house?
We have reason to believe there are
illegal substances on these premises.
- That's impossible. This is a drug-free house.
- It is?
Any member using drugs is thrown
out of the house immediately.
You don't eat meat.
You don't do drugs.
What's wrong with kids today?
We've had the benefit of learning
from your generation's mistakes.
We believe in just saying no...
so that-in all due respect-
we don't turn out like you.
Oh, well, that makes sense.
- Then you have no objection
to us taking a look around?
- Not at all.
Oh, Mother!
[Policeman] It looks like somebody's about
to harvest the bumper crop.
This can't be.
We've been framed.
- I think you've gone a little too far.
- Oh, you do, do you?
I don't like it. I don't want to be a part
of anything to with drugs.
You'll be a part of anything
I want you to be a part of.
You understand that, Gable?
We got those stinkin' nerds
right where want 'em.
[All Arguing]
This is depressing.
Perhaps I should play a traditional tune
from my country.
That always lifts my spirits
and makes everyone happy.
[Harmonica]
Please.
[Continues]
I'd rather get the chair.
- [Door Opens]
- Ruth, tell Stan I'm here.
Um, Dean Gable,
Lew Skolnick is here to see you.
I'm busy. Tell him
to make an appointment.
- You can't go in there, Lew.
- The hell I can't.
What are you doing in here?
- I told you I was busy.
- You know they were framed.
The police found dope everywhere.
Stan, you know these guys.
They wouldn't do anything like this.
Who knows what a bunch
of nerds would do?
You can't mean that.
- But I do.
- This guy a friend of yours?
No.
Well, you sure dress like friends.
Did you just say
we're not friends?
You're just saying that
'cause he's here.
I said it because I meant it.
You know, you haven't changed, Lewis.
You're still a nerd.
And you always will be.
You used me, Stan. I defended you
to everybody who put you down.
I wrote your speeches.
I showed you how to use a computer.
I even fixed you up
with that nice girl Tina.
I thought you were
my friend, Stan.
I'm back. And this time I'm not
taking any prisoners.
[Nerdy Laughing]
- You're free.
- Who paid our bail?
I don't know.
- I did.
- [Betty] Lewis!
Oh! Oh!
- You're back!
- [Nerdy Laugh]
Where did you come up
with that kind of scratch?
Ooh. Betty,
I hope you don't mind.
I mortgaged the house.
Mind?
I've never been happier in my life.
There's another little problem.
They've confiscated the Tri-Lamb house
and everything in it...
and they've given it
to the Alpha Betas.
- Can they do that?
- I'm afraid they can.
So, Betty,
if it's okay with you...
I'd like all the Tri-Lambs
to stay in our house.
I insist.
- Oh, Betty, you're the greatest.
- [Laughs]
[All]
Betty! Betty! Betty!
Betty! Betty! Betty!
- [Betty] Oh!
- [Chanting Continues]
I knew you'd
come though, Uncle Lew.
Uncle Lewis.
From now on, I'm Lewis Skolnick.
You are such a nerd.
Damn right I am.
- Nerds!
- Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
- [Chanting Continues]
- Let's go kick some Alpha Beta ass!
[All Cheering]
Hey, where's my regular barbers at?
Oh, we fired 'em, 'cause they were nerds.
Mmm!
- Oh, good.
- But don't worry.
We'll take good care of you.
Hey, you're not makin' it
too short back there, are you?
Oh, no, no, no.
It's my vision of you at work.
It's a look of the '90s.
It's very now.
Very end of the millennium.
Hey, I heard you two shaved
two nerds' heads a while back.
- [Laughs]
- Yeah. It was great, huh?
I know.
Those nerds are us.
[Laughs]
The girls are gonna love it.
[Nerdy Laughing]
- You called for a plumber?
- Shower's broken. I need to bathe.
[Sniffs] I can tell. You've got
some righteous B.O., dude.
Just fix the water.
[Groaning]
Oh!
[Sputtering, Babbling]
[Humming]
I've got a surprise
for you, Alpha Betas.
Now where is that
Pimple Clear?
[Robotic Whirring]
[Whirring Continues]
[Harold] We're here at the world-renowned
Tri-Lamb fraternity bathroom...
where we've secretly replaced
their pimple clear...
with pimple-inducing
ingredients.
Let's see if they notice.
[Wolf Howling]
Bobo, this house
gives me the creeps.
Oh. It's okay, cream puff.
I'm here to protect you.
What's that on your face?
My nose.
- There's another one.
- Another what?
And there's another one.
And another one.
[Panting]
Yuck! They're spreading!
[Screaming]
[Sobs]
[Panting]
The nerds gave me pimples!
The nerds gave me pimples!
The nerds gave me pimples!
[Spits]
[Laughing Continues]
Good job, Tri-Lambs.
But it's time to get serious.
We've got to take back what's ours
and show everyone...
that the '90s can't
function without nerds.
And that was
Guido and the Tour Guides...
with their new hit,
"Agent Eddie."
What are you doing?
I'm on the air.
We're commandeering the Adams College
radio station in the name of nerd freedom.
There's no greater friend of the nerd
than the American deejay.
If we weren't all nerds ourselves,
we'd be on television.
Stan, have I got news for you.
What's the matter
with your face, Orrin?
Some secret nerd concoction.
The dermatologists said
they'd never seen anything like it before.
- [Laughs]
- It's not funny, Stan!
- You look like a-
- I know, I know. A candy cane.
- No. A barber pole.
- Oh. Ha-ha.
We interrupt this program to bring you
an urgent message.
My name is Lewis Skolnick...
and I'm chairman...
- [Volume Increases]
- Of the computer science
department at Adams College.
I'm a nerd, and I'm proud of it.
Get your campus cops down to the radio
station and get that moron off the air.
My fellow nerds...
we are facing the greatest challenge
we have ever faced-
the systematic elimination of nerd culture
from the Adams campus.
I, therefore, am calling
for an Adams College nerd strike.
I call for nerds of all ages
to throw down your packs.
In fact, I call for anyone out there
who's ever had a brother...
or a sister who's a nerd, anyone
who's admired a nerd from a distance...
to join me in shutting this school
and all Adams city services down...
until our rights are restored!
- [Door Opens]
- Honey! Lewis!
- Let him go!
- I know our cause is just.
- Let him- Let him go!
- I know God is on our side!
- You let him-
- [Grunting] I know I-
- Lewis! Lewis!
- [Tone Ringing On Radio]
- Got him!
- [Radio Knob Clicks]
Uh, Dean Gable, I'm leaving now.
- Oh, you have a hair appointment, Ruth?
- No, I'm joining the strike.
But you're not a nerd, Ruth.
No, but my son is.
And whatever he is or wants to be,
I support him 100%.
Shut it down!
[No Audible Dialogue]
[Operators Chattering]
- Is anybody in here?
- Hello?
- [Phones Ringing]
- [Overlapping Chattering]
Hello?
- [Phones Ringing]
- [Overlapping Chatter Continues]
[Woman] I'm sorry. I don't have that-
[Continues, Indistinct]
[Woman #2] Please try again. It's 1-800-
[Continues, Indistinct]
[Chattering Stops]
[Phones Ringing]
Shut it down!
- [Man] Shut it down!
- [Operators Shouting]
- [Woman] Shut it down!
- Shut it down!
[Operators]
Strike! Strike!
I told you it's gonna be
a great year.
[All Shouting, Indistinct]
Ninety, 91, 92-
- [Stifled Laugh]
- Call the electric company.
Phone's dead.
Nerds!
- [Groaning]
- You know, you look like a-
I know, I know. A barber pole.
No, I was thinkin'
more like a candy cane.
- That's very funny.
- Look, you got any gas?
Oh, yeah.
Plenty of gas.
- [Laughs]
- [Laughs] Can't sell you any though.
- [Both Laughing]
- What are you, a nerd sympathizer?
Oh, hey. Look, I don't want anything
to do with this nerd thing.
I got no feeling for them
one way or the other.
Your computers
don't work, do they?
- How'd you guess?
- [Orrin] It's the same
at every station all over town.
- So what are we gonna do?
- Ahh.
Don't worry about it.
It's just as tough on them as it is on us.
[Horn Honking]
Why don't you get a horse?
[Imitates Horse Neighing]
[Laughs]
Where'd he get gas?
[Grinding]
- Methanol?
- Fill 'er up.
Not only are we winning
our campus back...
but we're recycling refuse, cutting down
on the consumption of fossil fuels...
and ridding the air
of nasty pollutants.
- [Shrieks]
- [Booger Laughing]
- Aah! No!
- Whoo!
[Laughing]
[Phone Rings]
- [Booger Laughing]
- Whoo-hoo!
- [Laughing Continues]
- [Women Shrieking]
[Screams]
Oh, Booger!
- [Women Shrieking]
- [Booger Laughing]
- Mr. Skolnick.
- Ira, call me Lewis.
Lewis. We are receiving tremendous
nerd support from all across the city.
That's wonderful.
Get on the modems...
and contact all the ex-Tri-Lambs
across the country.
I want them here
for the nerd-in.
Mr. Skolnick?
- [Shutter Clicks]
- [Crowd Cheering]
- [Feedback]
- They call us nerds...
because we've always
been nice to people.
- [Crowd Cheers]
- They call us nerds...
- because we get good grades.
- [Crowd Cheers]
They call us nerds because we treat
our parents with respect.
- [Crowd Cheers]
- Well, they're right.
- We're nerds.
- [Man] We're nerds!
And we're very wet,
and we're very upset.
[Crowd Cheers]
We're nerds. We're wet.
We're very, very upset.
We're nerds! We're wet!
We're very, very upset!
We're nerds! We're wet!
We're very, very upset!
- We're nerds! We're wet!
- He's right.
- Let's take these off.
- We're very, very upset!
- [Chanting Continues]
- Isn't this great?
The old gang isn't coming.
They live all over the country.
They have their own problems
and their own lives.
Yeah, but they know
I sold out.
Even my ex-best friend, Gilbert,
knows I'm a traitor to our people.
We're wet!
We're very, very upset!
We're nerds! We're wet!
We're very, very upset!
- [Chanting Continues]
- Hey, Gable. Boo!
We're nerds! We're wet!
We're very, very upset!
Ladies and gentlemen,
look who finally decided to show up.
Our dean, Stan Harvey Gable.
[Booing, Hissing]
You nerds have ruined my life.
How'd we do that, Stanley?
I used to be
a big man on campus...
until you humiliated me
at the pep rally.
Then you stole Betty away from me.
[Panting]
After that, not another living soul ever
respected me again.
You're such a victim, Stan, aren't you?
Maybe you ought to start taking
responsibility for your actions...
instead of blaming all your faults
and failures on others.
Uhh! Get! Get!
- [Crowd Cheering]
- [Man] Gable, you jerk!
[Woman]
Gable is unable!
[Man #2]
Get off the campus, Gable!
[Cheering,
Shouting Continues]
[Man]
Not a friend to nerds!
- [Door Closes]
- [Sighs]
The campus police
have joined the strike.
They're everywhere. It seems as if
you shake anyone's family tree...
a couple of nerds will drop out.
Maybe we should
try and negotiate.
I don't negotiate with nerds.
Well, what are we gonna do,
Orrin?
The press is gonna have
a field day with this.
I'm gonna be the laughingstock
of the entire country.
The school is paralyzed. There's no
telephones, no electricity, no gas.
It's like Baghdad around here!
Shut up!
We destroy Lewis Skolnick, the rest of those
nerds will fall like a deck of cards.
How would you destroy him?
By revealing his misuse
of Adams College funds.
Lewis has been misusing
Adams funds?
Remember those papers
I had you have him sign?
- Yeah.
- Well, Lewis doesn't know it...
but I've been using part
of his monthly appropriation...
to get things that I think
the college needs.
Like what?
Like procuring women for the football players,
new yacht, Lear jet-
things the school needs.
Well, why didn't you
tell me about this?
- I didn't think that was necessary.
- Not necessary?
I'm the dean!
Come on, Stan.
We both know what you are.
[Chuckles]
And if you want to stay the dean,
you'll keep your mouth shut.
You could ruin him for life.
I know. Terrible, isn't it?
[Laughing]
[Steam Hissing]
[Whirring]
[Stan]
You have any eights?
- Go fish.
- Hmm.
We've broken their backs.
They're all returning to work.
Great. Uh, got an eight.
He did it for sure.
How else did he get that Beemer?
- This is a lie.
- Of course it is.
- I didn't know anything about this.
- Of course you didn't.
- I can't believe they pulled this.
- Of course you can't.
You were right, Betty.
I was a fool.
Stan was duping me all along.
I'm gonna be ruined now.
Everything I've worked for my whole life
is gonna be destroyed.
No matter what happens,
we still have each other.
Betty.
[Clears Throat] Excuse me,
but as your attorney, I've got to know.
Did you do it?
I mean, it's cool if you did.
I'd have done it myself if I'd had the chance.
I'm just curious.
No, I didn't do it!
I'm innocent!
Of course you are.
[All] Adams college blew it!
Lewis didn't do it!
Adams college blew it!
Lewis didn't do it!
Adams college blew it!
Lewis didn't do it!
Adams college blew it!
Lewis didn't do it!
Adams college blew it!
Lewis didn't do it!
Adams college blew it!
Lewis didn't do it!
Adams college blew it!
Lewis didn't do it!
- [Knock On Door]
- [Beeps]
One second.
Come in.
Betty.
What are you doing here?
He thought you were
his friend, Stan.
Well, who has friends?
Everybody uses everybody else.
Nobody has friends.
Lewis does.
Oh, yeah, sure.
He had a lot of friends during the strike.
But where are they now?
You know he's innocent, Stan.
I want you to tell the truth
and get Lewis released.
You really love
this guy, don't you?
He means everything to me.
I'd do anything to save him.
Anything?
Is that what you want, Stan?
No.
I don't want it like that, Betty.
Believe it or not, I still
have a little pride left.
- [Woman] Come over here. Did you get that?
- [Crowd Chattering]
Mr. Dawson,
any more nose-picking...
and I'll hold you in contempt.
Your witness.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Mr. Gable...
how did you get your job?
I applied for the job, and I got it.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Were you qualified to be dean?
Sure. Yeah.
I arrested a lot of kids...
when I was with
the highway patrol...
did a lot of volunteer work with the police
athletic league-stufflike that.
Well, that certainly qualifies you...
to be the dean of a major college.
What was your
grade point average, Stan?
- I had a "C" average.
- "C"?
Was it not in fact a C-minus...
just this side
of the D-plus border?
Yeah!
I don't see what my grade point has to do
with this case.
Just answer the question,
Mr. Gable!
I agree with the witness,
Mr. Dawson.
I don't see what
his grade point has to do...
with that nerd
embezzling funds.
- [Spectators Murmuring]
- [Booger] Your Honor, I intend to prove...
that there were
shenanigans involved...
in the very appointment
of Stan Gable...
- as dean of Adams college.
- Overruled.
Dean Gable isn't
the one on trial here.
Your Honor, this line of questioning...
is the cornerstone
for my entire defense.
Overruled.
Well-Well, I call for a mistrial.
Clearly my client
can't get a fair trial...
in this anti-nerd atmosphere.
- Yeah!
- Overruled!
- Come on. Please, Your Honor?
- Any more outbursts, Mr. Dawson...
and I'll throw your whole damn gaggle
of nerds in jail for contempt!
- [Sighs]
- [Murmuring]
Yeah, right.
- [Clears Throat] Mr. Gable-
- Yes?
When did you learn...
of my client's alleged misuse
of Adams college funds?
- Just recently.
- Oh, well, wasn't that a coincidence?
That you should discover this...
at the very height of a nerd strike
led by Lewis Skolnick-
A strike which threatened
to topple...
your tower
of totalitarian tyranny!
Yeah!
- [Judge] Quiet!
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Quiet!
Silence in my court!
Mr. Dawson, I'm warning you.
- I've had it with you.
- Psst!
Dad!
Who is this geek
in my courtroom?
- I thought you were on your honeymoon.
- Well, your stepmother and I...
have the rest of our lives
for honeymooning.
We want to be here to support you.
We're behind you 100%.
I'm really glad you're here.
I need all the help I can get.
- Well, son, I believe help's on the way.
- What do you mean?
Free Lewis! Nerd power!
- Lamar!
- Lewis!
Order! I demand order!
- [Laughing]
- So what are you doing?
Well, I live in Milan now.
I'm a model.
You know- strike a pose.
Oh, what is that?
- Wormser.
- What is a Wormser?
When a Tri-Lamb's in trouble,
I'm there.
[Nerdy Laugh]
You're so grown up.
- And so handsome.
- [Laughs]
- Are you married?
- Better.
I'm a gynecologist.
Your Honor, this is a mockery
of the judicial system!
- Silence!
- Banzai! Flee Rewis!
Takashi?
- [Laughing]
- [Nerdy Laughing]
U.N.
We're here, baby.
Power to the nerds! Yeah!
[Cheering]
Quiet! I've lost control.
- Lewis, good to see you.
- Oh, U.N., thank you for being here.
- Oh, this is so wonderful.
- I know. If only-
Gilbert!
Hi, Lewis.
Gilbert.
I can't believe you're here.
I thought you never wanted
to speak to me again.
I didn't.
But... I heard
you were a nerd again.
Forever this time.
- [Laughs]
- [Nerdy Laughing]
[Cheering]
- [Gavel Banging]
- Order!
Order!
- Your Honor-
- I demand order!
- Your Honor-
- What is it?
I'd like to make a statement.
Lewis Skolnick had no idea
what was going on.
Are you saying this nerd
is innocent?
- Yes.
- [Spectators Gasping]
Yes. The money was misappropriated
by Orrin Price.
- This is preposterous!
- You're worse than they are, Price!
Lewis, I'd like to be your friend.
Seeing you here with the rest of your
Tri-Lamb brothers and sisters-
Well, it makes me see
what real friendship is all about.
My whole life
I've hated your kind.
When really I-
I hated myself.
And as I sat last night
at the computer...
I realized that-
that I was a nerd.
Yeah. And that there's
a little bit of nerd in everyone.
I guess I was just afraid to face that part
of myself, but now I'm not.
I'm a nerd- trapped in a beautiful body,
but I'm a nerd nonetheless.
You're not a nerd!
You're an idiot!
Idiots are people too,
Orrin.
It's not how smart you are
or how good-looking you are...
or how much money
you make.
It's what's in your heart
that counts.
I'm sorry, Lewis.
I'm so sorry.
I just hope that one day you'll be able
to forgive me for what I've done to you.
I love you, Stan.
Oh, brother.
You guys want to be alone?
[All]
Shut up, Price!
I'd also like to point out...
that it was Orrin Price that planted
the marijuana in the Tri-Lamb house...
and that the Tri-Lambs are completely
innocent of all charges.
Whoo!
Bailiff, handcuff that man.
Oh, I'm gonna get even with you, Gable.
You can bet on it!
I'll get even with all you nerds!
[Laughing]
Does this mean I win?
Case dismissed.
[Laughing]
Booger!
[Man]
Greatjob. Greatjob. Greatjob.
[Malcolm]
Congratulations.
- Oh, man. [Sighs]
- Oh! Oh!
Stan, I am so proud of you.
Oh, it feels so great
to come out of the closet.
I have always had these feelings
ever since I was a little kid.
I always wanted to read
and get good grades...
but my parents, they just wanted me
to be popular and play sports.
Oh! You don't have
to pretend anymore.
- Yeah.
- I'll tell you what, Stan.
I'm gonna work my tail off...
- to see to it that you get to stay on as dean.
- We all are.
We need as many nerds
in power as we can get.
Right! Right!
- Yes! Oh.
- Hey.
- Lewis.
- Betty.
I love you so much,
you big nerd.
I know I am,
but what are you?
A nerd lover.
Oh, Betty.
- Oh!
- Oh!
[Laughing]
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
- Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
- [Chanting Continues]
Come on, Harold.
We've got some unfinished
business to attend to.
[Chanting Continues]
I got to go.
It's gonna be a great year.
[Nerdy Laughing]
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
[Pop]
[Nerdy Laughing]
Estimated A.A.O.C., one hour,
11 minutes and 33 seconds.
- What's A.A.O.C?
- Actual arrival on campus.
[Nerdy Laughing]
[Sighs]
College is gonna be so great.
Yeah, that's what you said
when we went to high school...
and we got the crap
knocked out of us every day.
There were a few incorrigible elements
in high school...
but it's completely
different at Adams.
Adams College was one of the first schools
in the country to treat nerds with respect.
It's the promised land,
kind of like a nerd Israel.
[Horn Honking]
Those guys are gonna
hurt somebody.
I haven't been back
to Adams College for 10 years.
The hardest part about movin' to New York
was havin' to quit the board of regents...
not being able to spend
more time on campus.
- It's a great school, Adam. You're gonna love it.
- I'm sure I will, sir.
The best years of my life
were spent at Adams.
It's where I learned
to compete, become a winner.
I credit Adams with molding me
into the man that I am today.
[Chuckles, Spits]
It'll do the same for you.
[Continues]
[Making Gun Noises]
[Continues]
- [Beeping]
- What's that?
Stealth technology.
It automatically detects radar...
and slows the car down
when police are near.
Ah, damn.
They're only going 45.
- Let's go get 'em.
- What for? They're not speeding.
- They're nerds.
- [Engine Starts, Revs]
[Continues]
[Ends]
Is there some problem,
Officer... Gab?
It's Gable.
Let me see your driver's license.
It's not a very good picture.
You got the proper
windshield wipers?
Certainly. What would you
like to see them do?
Just turn 'em on.
Well, the waste in your
ashtray looks flammable.
I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to cite you.
We're dead.
Air bags
on the back of cars...
would cut down on damage
from rear-end collisions by 72.3%.
[Rock]
I wish my son was a nerd.
See, Ira?
Nothin' to worry about.
This is gonna be a great year.
[Nerdy Laughing]
[Continues]
Boy, this is great.
I mean, it's beautiful.
Hasn't changed a bit.
[Chattering]
[Man] Why is that guard
dressed like such a jerk?
That's not a jerk, Dad.
It's worse. It's a nerd.
Protons, neutrons,
electrons merge!
We're the atom's power surge!
Go, Adams!
[Continues]
[Ends]
[Man]
What in the hell is a pocket protector?
We call 'em nerd packs.
It's what nerds wear to keep pens
from messing up their shirts.
Maybe I shouldn't go to Adams.
Oh, you're going here, Adam.
I named you after the damn school.
"E" equals...
"MC" squared!
"E" equals "MC" squared!
All right!
College women-
Look how much more developed
they are than high school girls.
Yeah, and they'll probably treat us worse
than they did in high school too.
Ira, not if we meet
the challenge head-on.
Look. In this love bag...
I've got everything
we'll ever need at college-
an illustrated edition
of the Kamma Sutra-
- Oh! Ha!
- Huh?
- Oh.
- A fur love glove.
Wow!
Oh, hey, look
what else I got.
- Mints!
- No. Condoms.
But we're virgins.
Not for long.
[Laughs]
Well, this is it, my boy.
This is where
we used to play ball.
This is where we beat Saint John's
the year they went to the final four.
[Chuckles]
What a game that was.
This is the
computer science center?
What the hell's going on here?
Isn't this great? They turned the gymnasium
into the computer science center.
We'll never have
to take P.E. Again.
[Nerdy Laughing]
Oh, boy. This college is even greater
than I imagined.
And to think that my uncle is chairman
of the computer science department.
Hey, are you sure it's okay for me to go
over to his house with you?
- I hate to impose.
- No "problemo."
My uncle is the greatest
guy in the world.
I'm sure he's dying to see us.
[Tires Screeching]
Oh, my gosh.
- [Gasps] Oh, honey!
- Hi.
Hi, darling.
How was your day?
It was wonderful. I think we got federal
funding for the solar computer project.
- That's great.
- Big bucks
for the computer science department.
It almost assures the dynamic systems
and I.L.G. Accounts.
Honey, you are so fantastic.
You just keep racking up these computer
consultant jobs for Adams.
Well, babe,
what can I tell you?
When you're hot... you're hot.
[Nerdy Laugh, Coughs]
- It's okay to laugh.
- No, it isn't.
- It isn't hip.
- It turns me on, darling.
Oh, Betty.
So how was your day?
It was great.
I lectured on the difference
between Chagall and Mir.
Oh, Mir's been appreciating
far more rapidly over the past 10 years.
Darling, I'm concerned with their technique,
not their selling price.
The heck with the technique.
Give me the green.
- Hungry?
- Starved.
Great, because we're
having Tuscan monkfish...
and grilled
babyJapanese eggplant.
- Mmm.
- Don't ruin your appetite.
I hope we have enough
for your nephew and his friend.
- Are they coming over?
- Yes. They're on their way.
- Oh.
- Aren't you excited to see Harold?
Of course I am, Betty.
I love Harold.
He's a wonderful kid.
It's just... the way he dresses.
He's such a... nerd.
What's wrong with that?
You were when you were his age.
That's why I fell
in love with you.
I may have been perceived
as that in the past, Betty...
but I'm certainly not
thought of that way anymore.
- [Alarm Blaring]
- [Man's Voice] Attention!
This is a smoke alert!
[Alarm Continues Blaring]
- Uncle Lewis.
- Harold.
- Hey.
- Hey, Harold.
Uh, it's not Lewis anymore.
People call me Lew now.
- Oh, sure, Uncle Lew.
- Okay.
- Hi, Harold.
- Aunt Betty.
- How are you doing?
- Is it still Aunt Betty,
or are you now Elizabeth?
- Oh, it's just, um, plain old Aunt Betty.
- Oh.
Hey, Harold, who's your friend?
Oh, Uncle Lewis- Lew-
and Aunt Betty...
this is my best friend
in the whole world, Ira Poppus.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi, Ira.
- Oh, what happened to your hand, Mr. Skolnick?
Ah, it's just a little lab accident.
Wow.
So, where are you boys living?
Oh, we're over at the freshman dorm
till we pledge a fraternity.
Which one?
We hope to go
Lambda Lambda Lambda.
Mm. Well, I hope you fellas are planning
on rushing other fraternities as well.
No. Why should we?
You were a Tri-Lamb.
Well, that's true. But one thing I've learned
in life is that appearances are everything.
What are you putting
in their minds, Lew?
Harold, I never told you this, but I always
wanted to be an Alpha Beta.
Alpha Beta?
That's a jock house, isn't it?
That's right.
And I didn't get in.
It's something I've had
to live with my entire life.
[Clears Throat] I, uh, loved the barbecued
purple things, Uncle Lew.
Those are the baby
Japanese eggplant.
- Finished, Ira?
- Uh-huh.
L-I loved the Tuscan fish,
Mr. Skolnick.
It's the first time
I've had fish not in stick form.
[Nerdy Laughing]
Boys, don't laugh like that.
Don't laugh like that!
Why not?
Laugh any way
you want, boys.
Sometimes your uncle
is embarrassed that he's a nerd.
- Am not.
- Are too.
- Am not! Am not!
- Are too! Are too!
Would you like to go with us to
the football game tomorrow, Uncle Lew?
You gotta be kidding.
We haven't won a game in three years.
It's not like the glory years
when I was a student at Adams.
Your Aunt Betty
had a boyfriend, Stan Gable.
He was the quarterback then.
He sure knew how to win.
But you won me, darling.
Butterfly?
[Giggles]
I can't believe your Uncle Lewis
isn't proud of his past.
Don't be ridiculous, Ira.
He's just a grown-up now. That's all.
He was one of the founding
fathers of Lambda Lambda Lambda.
My mom tells me he was like
a nerd George Washington.
Maybe I was just getting
the wrong vibes.
Of course you were.
[Sighs]
[Doorbell]
They're playing our song.
Oh, I love Tri-Lamb already.
Welcome to Lambda Lambda Lambda
fraternity.
- Uh, hi. We're interested in being Tri-Lambs.
- Hi.
Well, you've come
to the right place.
I'm Malcolm Pennington III,
the Tri-Lamb president.
Are you named
after Malcolm 10?
- [Nerdy Laughing]
- I can tell you're Tri-Lamb timber.
[Computer Voice]
Enjoy your refreshments...
and thank you for rushing
Tri-Lamb fraternity.
This is the life.
[Ira] Wow. This is so exciting.
Look at all this hardware.
Nothing but the best.
Basketball players get free shoes.
We get computers.
Which would you rather have?
- [Both Laughing]
- Excuse me.
I'm terribly sorry to bother you,
but I really must tinkle.
Could you tell me
where the lavatory is?
- Around the corner.
- Oh, thank you very much.
Trevor Gulf. Great guy.
He's from England.
He could be
in your pledge class.
Oh, that's great- meeting
nerds from different lands.
Let me introduce you
to some of the Tri-Lambs.
[Harold]
Who's that guy over there?
Oh, uh, that's
Steve Toyota.
Steve's the editor
of the school paper.
- Toyota!
- Enjoy your refreshments-
[Continues, Indistinct]
I'd like you to meet,
uh, Harold and Ira.
Toyota?
Are you Japanese?
[Southern Drawl]
Heck no, boy. I'm Korean.
Why do you talk like that?
South Korean.
Seviche with fresh cilantro.
Thank you.
I grew the cilantro
in our greenhouse.
Come. Come. I'll show you.
[Beeping]
We grow all our own
herbs and vegetables...
as well as orchids
to give to our dates.
In addition to being
a gourmet chef and botanist...
Mason is also the school mascot-
the Adams Atom.
Boy, it looks like
you Tri-Lambs do everything.
- [Loud Drilling]
- What's that?
[Malcolm]
That's Edith Krug.
She's president
of the Archaeology Society.
She's uncovering a major find
right here in the basement.
[Coughs]
Howdy.
- You have girls in Tri-Lamb?
- Oh, yes.
Tri-Lamb doesn't discriminate...
nor do we instigate
a means to segregate.
It is ourjob to facilitate
a means to educate.
We believe that diversity
is the cement...
the Krazy Glue, if you will...
that bonds us together.
Yo, bullet head! Bust it!
- [Hip-hop]
- Tri-Lamb, here we go.
Ah!
[Continues, Faint]
Whoa. What a great frat.
Is this Alpha Beta?
No. Lambda Lambda Lambda.
I never heard of'em.
When I went to school, anybody
who was anybody pledged Alpha Beta.
Come on.
We're almost there.
- Nice house, Dad.
- What the hell happened?
Welcome to Alpha Beta
rush week.
I'm Bobo Peterson,
rush week coordinator.
Orrin Price, class of 1960.
My son, Adam.
He'll be joining your fraternity this year.
Oh. Want some chicken?
Come. Join our riotous debauch.
Tell me, what fraternity
is Lambda Lambda Lambda?
It's a nerd house.
It's cool, isn't it?
[Rock]
How's this year's
pledge class coming, Bobo?
Oh, great. Anybody
who wants to can get in.
I wish we could get some nerds though.
It's almost impossible.
Wait a minute.
Nerds at Alpha Beta?
Yeah. They could raise
our grade point average...
and fix up our house real
nice like the Tri-Lambs.
I can't believe I'm hearing this.
Dad, what happened to your fraternity?
I never thought I'd see the day that I'd be
ashamed to be an Alpha Beta.
Me too. Stan Gable,
class of '80.
Orrin Price, '60.
When I went to Adams, Alpha Beta was
the most respected fraternity on this campus.
Yeah. Now look at 'em.
I'm down here trying to help
these guys with rush week.
- It's pathetic.
- You're nothing but a bunch of losers.
Hey, who you calling losers?
- You.
- Oh.
You all are. You've let the nerds
take over this campus.
It's not our fault. It was
like that when we got here.
Well, it wasn't always
that way, Bobo.
There was a time when
Alpha Beta stood for something.
There was a time
when being an Alpha Beta...
meant you could have any
chick on campus you wanted.
There was a time
when being an Alpha Beta...
meant you could shove
anybody you wanted to around!
I remember those days.
You could be remembered
as the guys who take the campus back!
We could? How?
You have to hit 'em where they hurt!
You can't just sit there like a bunch of morons...
and let 'em roll over you!
You're right.
Let's go kick some nerd butt.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
You're a natural-born leader, Gable.
I like your style.
- [Phone Ringing]
- [Man's Voice] Incoming phone call.
Hello? Oh, no!
That's the worst thing
I've ever heard.
What about a beehive?
What's wrong?
Oh, some vandals have desecrated
the computer center.
[Chattering]
[Man] Things like this make me think
I'm getting too old for this job.
That's nonsense, Arnold.
You still got plenty of lead
left in your pencil.
As dean of students, I have a responsibility
to the safety of our young people.
I wouldn't want
any students getting hurt.
Why would anyone
do something like this?
Einstein never hurt anyone.
As a concerned alumnus
whose family has contributed...
millions of dollars over
the years to Adams College...
I'm deeply troubled by what happened
at the Leon T. Price Computer Science Center.
We share your concerns.
But what do you suggest we do?
I think it's time Adams
moved into the '90s...
with a new direction,
a new purpose...
and, above all, a new dean.
Dean Ulich is due
for retirement soon.
He's been a great dean.
I love the man.
And I love the man too.
But his time has passed.
We need fresh blood.
We need a new dean.
A man who, when given the proper
authority and manpower...
can restore order to our campus.
Bold thinking, Orrin.
I like it. What you say
makes a great deal of sense.
We should start searching
for a new dean immediately.
Gentleman, lady, I believe
I've found the man for the job.
I really want to thank you from the bottom
of my heart for all you've done for me.
I've always dreamed of being dean.
I just want to let you know
I'm not gonna let you down.
I'm gonna give it 110%!
- Great. You start on Monday.
- Oh, I can't on Monday.
I was supposed to play golf.
I mean, I hope that's okay.
- I could change it-
- Do what I say...
and you can play golf
whenever you want.
Oh. Where is it?
There it is.
Now, there's somebody I wouldn't mind
having a heart attack with.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
- How about you, Stan?
- Ah, she's okay.
I got somebody else
on my mind.
We went together in college.
She left me and married
some nerd geek.
Perhaps now is the time
to get her back.
Now that I'm dean,
perhaps I will.
[Woman]
Pledges, you may enter.
Remove the blindfolds.
Are the intercoastals ready?
[Rattling]
Are the acolytes ready?
Whoo, whoo, whoooo!
We can begin.
For the last couple of days,
Tri-Lamb has done...
everything it can do
in order to try to impress you.
You are the precious few who have been
selected tojoin Lambda Lambda Lambda.
Now it's your turn
to try to impress us.
- Whoo!
- [Rattling]
We don't believe
in a long pledging process.
There is absolutely no physical
hazing under any circumstances...
but... we do have Heck Week...
and your Heck Week
is about to begin now.
Prepare to meet
your pledge trainer.
[Jazz]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
All right. Maybe later on
I'll let you touch my leg.
- [Groans]
- Now listen up.
The beanie
is a symbol of respect...
that all pledges must show
to their Tri-Lamb elders.
The egg symbolizes the new life you are
about to embrace as Tri-Lamb eggheads.
Y'all must be tired of standing.
Just to show you The King's got a heart,
I'm gonna let you sit down.
- [Groaning]
- [Eggs Smashing]
Quite soothing.
When the early nerds were driven
from their home by the Alpha Betas...
and forced to live in the gym...
they weren't able to take
their computers with them.
Therefore, we honor their memory
by not using computers during Heck Week.
I thought they said no hazing.
Let Heck Week begin!
[Stops]
Pledges, Toyota
has left the building.
- [Laughs] I don't know if it's such a good idea.
- Oh, come on, honey.
- What about the neighbors?
- Who's gonna see us?
[Sighs, Moans]
Oh, Lew, you're so persuasive.
- I'll get the bubbly.
- [Giggles]
Hurry back.
[Doorbell Chimes]
[Man's Voice]
There is a visitor at the door.
Stan Gable?
Hi.
Lew Skolnick, class of'81.
Yeah, I remember you, Lewis.
- You do?
- How could I forget you?
- You stole Betty from me.
- You gonna hit me?
No.
[Laughs]
No. In fact, uh,
I came to apologize.
You know, I have always felt bad
about how I was back in college.
Listen, I was just down
at the old alma mater...
and I heard that you run
the computer department...
and I thought I'd stop by
and say hi.
[Laughs] Betty's gonna be
so surprised to see you.
Betty, look who's here!
- Lew! What are you doing?
- Hey, you look great, Betty.
Turn around!
Both of you.
- Betty teaches in the art department.
- Is that right? Hmm.
Okay. I'm dressed.
I didn't know you liked art, Betty.
Well, there are a lot of things
that you didn't know about me, Stan.
Lewis has opened up
all kinds of new worlds for me.
I feel very fulfilled.
That's nice.
You married, Stan?
No. No, I'm, uh- I'm divorced.
[Gasps]
That's horrible. I'm really sorry.
Well, don't be.
There's only one girl I really... love.
Well, I hope
someday you get her.
Hey, do you wanna hop in
the water with Betty?
I'll get you a swimsuit. I'm gonna make
some hummus with some blue corn chips.
Oh, no. I don't want you
to go to any trouble.
It's not any trouble.
It'd be my pleasure.
It's just so great
that you're here.
Well...
what brings you here, Stan?
Well, I just realized that I hadn't talked
to you guys in a long time...
and, uh, I thought maybe-
maybe... we could
get reacquainted.
I can't believe
we ate all the hummus.
Maybe I should make
some more.
Well, I'm gonna get out,
'cause I'm turning into a prune.
Aw, it's really great
seeing you guys again.
I don't know if you've heard about it yet,
but Dean Ulich is retiring.
I've been nominated
as his replacement.
You're gonna be dean?
I thought you were a cop.
The future of Adams College
is very important to me, Betty.
- Of course.
- As a police officer...
you really get to see the-
the dark side of human nature.
Now, we can't let what happened at
the computer center the other day continue.
It's time to nip
this lawlessness in the bud.
You know, it sounds to me like you
have the makings of a fine dean, Stan.
Thanks.
I'm gonna take this in.
You know, uh, I know I did some pretty rotten
things to you when we were in college.
I just hope
we can become friends now.
Well, I always liked you, Stan.
You didn't like me.
I'd be honored
to be your friend.
Yeah? You seem like
a pretty cool guy now.
- I do?
- Yeah.
[Nerdy Laughing]
[Bubbles Popping]
Are you okay?
Of course. I was just
wetting the back of my head.
[Swing]
[Toyota] Now, your first step
in becoming Tri-Lambs...
is to prove your stamina and endurance
during this Week of Heck.
- [Continues]
- [Snoring]
Next, you must demonstrate
your ability to master...
the primitive tools
of your forefathers.
[Stops]
Harold, I don't think
I can make it through Heck Week.
Don't be ridiculous, Ira.
You're doing great.
It's just a physical reaction
to not being able to use a computer.
It's called C.W.S. -
computer withdrawal syndrome.
We all have it.
You can make it, Ira.
I know you can.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- Harold?
- Yes, Ira?
Can I tell you
a secret?
Sure.
This is the closest
I've ever slept to a girl before.
- [Snoring]
- Me too.
- Not counting my mom or my sister.
- [Nerdy Laughing]
[Swing]
[Toyota]
And most importantly...
you must show that you
can work together as one...
by doing everything
this week as a team.
I can't take it anymore.
I crack!
[Stops]
You gotta keep going.
I can't.
It's 4:00 in the morning.
I'm cleaning computer
hardware with a toothbrush.
Try flossing the keyboard.
There's only one more day.
Tomorrow night,
after we put out the fire of desire...
we're Tri-Lambs forever.
[Drums]
It's impossible. We're never
gonna get this fire out.
Oh, bosh! Now we'll
never be Tri-Lambs!
- Think, Harold! Think!
- Think? Think.
Wait a second. Everything
we've done this week...
is for us to work together
as one, as a team.
We've all gotta spit
together! That's it!
- That's it, Harold!
- [Trevor] Good show!
[Grunting]
- Victory!
- [All Cheering]
Victory!
We did it!
And as chairman
of the faculty senate...
it is indeed my great pleasure...
to give to you
a man of courage...
a man of vision,
a man of honor.
Ladies and gentlemen,
your new dean of students...
Stanley Harvey Gable.
- [Applause]
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Dean Gable.
- Thanks, Lewis.
- [Fanfare]
- [Malcolm] Please welcome
our newest members.
Ira Poppus.
[All Cooing]
Judith Clapp.
[All Cooing]
You're back in action, boys.
Go get those nerds!
Nerds!
- Wh-What are we doing again?
- Go get 'em!
Let's knock 'em back
to the nerd age!
[All Whooping, Shouting]
Trevor Gulf.
[Cooing]
Thank you.
[Cries]
And last but not least, the president
of this year's pledge class...
Harold Skolnick.
[Cooing]
It is with great pride and joy...
I declare you are now officially...
Lambda Lambda Lambdas.
- We did it!
- [All Cheering]
[Shouting, Yelling]
Get away, you butt-head!
[Shouting Continues]
Marvelous.
Just marvelous.
We just don't have fun like this
back in Stratfordshire.
Please. Please. I can't get wet.
I'll get an earache!
Why are you dissing us?
We never did anything to you!
You were born.
That's enough.
[Screams]
Let's go!
[Shouting Continues]
Why won't they
just leave us alone?
I don't know, Ira.
I just don't know.
[Gentle Thudding]
So, what seems to be
the problem, boys?
A group of thugs ruined
our initiation picnic, sir.
For no reason
at all, sir.
Why would somebody
do something like that?
We think it was the same people
who desecrated the computer center, sir.
- You do, do you?
- It might be anti-nerd related, sir.
Anti-nerd, huh?
Well, I'll see what
I can do for you boys.
Let me just, uh,
give you guys a little tip.
Now, don't get me wrong.
Some of my best friends are nerds...
but you people can't keep pushing your
lifestyle on others like you've been doing.
You're only bringing
this abuse upon yourselves.
Now, I'm sure things are
gonna be better from now on.
Yeah. Better for me.
[Chuckles]
Ah, it's so great
being the dean.
[Kissing]
Honey.
Lewis, I-
I'm worried, honey.
- What? You're hairy?
- No. I said I'm worried.
Get a body wax.
I didn't say I'm hairy.
I said I'm worried.
What are you
worried about, honey?
The Alpha Betas.
[Sighs]
I feel like I'm in college again.
I'm sitting here worrying about
the Alpha Betas, and I can't score with you.
Well, I just can't get over that they destroyed
the Tri-Lamb initiation picnic.
Oh, darling, that was just
fraternity high jinks.
Remember when I panty-raided
your sorority house?
That's the first time
I saw you naked.
- Oh. Oh, Lewis.
- Lew.
I've never been able
to resist you, Lew.
That's because there's
nothing like the loving...
of a hard-driving
computer-literate man.
[Beeps]
[Giggling]
Blue 32! Hut! Hut!
Hey, hey, hey, Slim. How you doin'?
Wanna play some ball?
Oh, I-I don't know.
I really must be off.
- Oh, come on.
- It's just ball, man.
A little exercise
never hurt anybody, huh?
Well, all right then.
What do I do?
When I say hike, you hike me the ball,
and you run for a pass.
- You got it? Hike. Hike!
- Hike. Yes. Hike.
- Go. Go! Go!
- Hike.
- Go! Go! Deeper!
- Keep going! Go!
Go! Go! Go!
- All the way!
- Go! Go!
- Oh!
- [Screams]
- Touchdown!
- Yeah! [Laughs]
I can't believe we actually
have dates tonight.
I know. I'm pretty excited myself.
- Hey! Hey! What are you doing?
- Hey! Help! Help!
- Help!
- Stop it! Ow!
Hey! Ow!
We want you to look good
for your dates.
The girls are gonna love it.
[Laughing]
[Laughing Stops]
I thought we'd put
these times behind us.
Prejudice never goes away.
It just lays at the bottom
of the swamp like pond scum...
waiting for its moment
to come to the surface like pocker flies.
- What's a pocker fly?
- A devious insect...
whose larvae lie dormant
for an indeterminate gestation period...
till they give birth
without forewarning.
Man, sorry I asked.
What are we
gonna do about this?
I say we lay low,
build a cluster bomb...
and blow the Alpha Betas
to their maker.
Violence only breeds
more violence.
- So?
- Ira's right.
We've gotta work
within the system.
Things are different than they used to be.
We nerds control the campus now.
We've gotta use that power.
Malcolm, you're president of the Greek Council.
Can't you do anything?
Yes, I can.
Toyota, you're editor
of the school paper.
I think it's time we saw
a little editorial on our new dean.
It'd be my pleasure.
It's time for us
to flex our muscles.
There isn't a muscle
in this room.
Well, let's flex the greatest
muscle of all- our brains.
[Nerdy Laughing]
As president
of the Greek Council...
I move that the Alpha Beta fraternity
be placed on social probation.
All in favor?
Uh, not.
- Alpha Betas hurt nerds!
- Make them stop!
- Alpha Betas hurt nerds!
- Make them stop!
- Alpha Betas hurt nerds!
- Make them stop!
- It doesn't even rhyme.
- That's not the point, Bobo.
- Make them stop!
- Alpha Betas hurt nerds!
[Sighs] They printed my scores
on the police boards.
I didn't think
I did that badly.
How'd they get that information?
It's supposed to be private.
They're nerds. With their advanced
knowledge of computers...
they can get any
information they want.
Well, Dean Gable, it's time
we take off the gloves.
It's time we start
some nerd bashing.
I'm with you
all the way, Orrin.
Let's let
the good times roll.
[Both Laughing]
[Sander Whirring]
[Laughing Continues]
Give me that.
You are being impaired.
- Impeached.
- Impeached.
Ow.
[Toyota] Well, so much
for flexing our muscles.
It's time for us to play our trump card,
our ace in the hole.
- We're gonna nuke 'em?
- Better.
We're gonna appeal to someone
who can really help us...
a man who many years ago fought
the battle for nerd rights.
I'd leave well enough alone.
If things get any more well around here,
Mr. Skolnick, we'll all be dead.
Well, you gotta understand
something, kids.
These things are tricky.
You wouldn't want to create a backlash.
Create a backlash?
We've already been lashed.
All right. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'll talk to Dean Gable personally.
- We've already talked to him, Uncle Lewis.
- Lew.
Harold, you have to understand.
Dean Gable and I are like this.
So, Stan, you really haven't
heard anything about it?
Certainly not.
But I'll tell you this.
I'm sure as heck gonna
get to the bottom of it right away.
- Will you really?
- Certainly will.
There's no place for injustice
in the Gable administration.
- That's just what I knew you'd say.
- This is for you to sign.
What am I signing?
Those are the monthly
appropriations requests. It's nothing.
Ruth, what am I supposed
to do today anyway?
Well, where should I begin? Since you
became dean, you haven't done anything.
Well, you don't just
rush into these things.
Well, your budget
is due next Monday.
Budget. I haven't
even looked at it yet.
- How am I supposed to get it done by Monday?
- I don't know.
Especially since you have a symposium
on educational administration this weekend.
- Do I have to write a speech?
- It would help. Unless you're gonna wing it.
Would you like me
to help you write a speech?
- Would you, Lew?
- It would be my pleasure.
Stan, you know,
I don't mean to be blunt...
but you're never gonna make it
as dean unless you learn to use a computer.
- [Laughs] Me use a computer?
- That's right.
Now, Stan, the computer
is your friend.
Well, what do I do?
Well, you start
by cleaning it up.
[Vacuum Whirring]
Then you put in
a floppy disk.
- A what?
- Floppy disk.
- Then you turn it on.
- [Processing]
Hey, no peeking.
- Lew!
- [Nerdy Laughing]
[Muffled Laughing]
[Clears Throat]
Hay fever.
[Harold]
Hey.
Harold.
- So?
- So-
It's gonna take time
to investigate...
but I have Dean Gable's
personal assurance...
he's gonna look into this
right after his symposium next weekend.
You don't really believe that?
Why shouldn't I?
Because Gable's shinin' you on.
It's a smoke screen.
It's a sham.
These things are wrong.
They should be taken care of right now.
Harold, I understand.
I was full of spit and vinegar
when I was your age.
You just got to be patient.
Sometimes it takes a while for the system
to correct mistakes.
Well, I'm not
just gonna stand by...
and watch my brothers
be abused and persecuted.
I'm gonna do something
about this now.
Harold, I wouldn't rock the boat.
You might just tip it over.
What's happened to you,
Uncle Lewis?
- Lew.
- I don't know who you are anymore.
The uncle I always
loved and admired...
was a great
warrior for nerd rights.
I was proud to have his Skolnick blood
running through my veins.
His name wasn't Lew.
It was Lewis.
Lewis Skolnick.
I can't believe
we just got rejected...
by the American
Liberties Association.
That's pretty low.
They defend Nazis.
Well, we'll get
another attorney.
Duh. Attorneys cost
mucho dinero.
Maybe there's a Tri-Lamb alum
who will do it for free.
We happen to have
the complete bio...
of every Tri-Lamb
of all time right in here.
[Computer Beeping]
Computer analyst, accountant,
mechanical engineer...
M.D., dentist,
rocket scientist.
Aren't there any Tri-Lambs
that became lawyers?
[Scoffs]
We got too much integrity.
Oh. Wait, wait.
Here's one.
- [Harold] Bingo.
- Dudley Dawson...
a.k.a. Booger?
I wonder why they
call him Booger.
[Siren Wailing]
[Phone Rings]
Hello? If you need an attorney called Booger,
you picked the right one.
- [Wailing Continues]
- No, I'm kind ofbusy right now.
I'm on my way
to meet a client.
The Tri-Lambs are in trouble?
I'll be right there.
No, no, no.
I don't want any money.
I want to go back to college.
I want to live in a fraternity.
I want to date college girls.
Are the Mus still on campus?
- [Tires Screeching]
- I'm on my way.
Mu!
Boy, this looks real appetizing.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Those are yeast balls.
Mmm. These are delish.
- And nutrish.
- Let's hear it for the chef, huh?
- [Snapping]
- Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Ah!
A truly triumphant
tribute to truffles!
Hey, can't we get some
real food, you know?
Like Gummi bears, chips,
Lucky Charms, or Cheez Whiz?
- Health food is good for you, Toyota.
- Hey, I can't live on sprouts.
You know, they make my teeth itch.
Cows eat this crap.
We're supposed to eat cows.
That's the law of nature.
[Bullhorn]
Let's party!
- Who are you?
- I'm your attorney.
- Oh, Mr. Dawson.
- No, no, no. Call me Booger.
- Certainly, Mr. Booger.
- No, no. Not Mr. Boog-
Well, no. Wait a minute.
I kind of like that.
"Mr. Booger."
It's kind of distinguished.
What are you guys eating?
Cows eat that crap!
I like this guy already.
[Chuckles] Hey, it's really nice of you guys
to ask me out for dinner.
Hey, Stan, that's what friends...
- are supposed to do with their friends.
- Well-
- What a babe.
- Lew.
- You can say that again.
- What a babe.
[Nerdy Laugh, Coughs]
Lewis, maybe, um-
Maybe you should ask her to join us.
- Then maybe she could be Stan's date.
- Yeah.
Hey, Stan,
wanna go out with her?
- Well, I don't-
- Oh, come on, Stan. You know you do.
- Well, I, uh- [Sputters]
- Go for it, honey.
- Excuse me. Miss?
- Ooh. Yes?
Could you, uh, tell me where the, uh,
Casa Tortilla restaurant is?
- Oh. Um, yeah.
- Does he always do this?
You seem to be rubbing off on him,
Stan.
It's a wonderful restaurant.
They have great chimichangas.
- So do you.
- Lewis!
Wanna join us?
Oh, I don't know.
Uh-
No, really. You'll have a great time.
What's your name?
- Tina.
- Tina? That's a beautiful name.
- Thank you.
- Tina, uh, this is my wife, Betty.
- Oh. Hello, Betty.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- This is Tina.
And this is our good friend
Stan Gable.
He's the dean
of Adams College.
Oh, yeah. I've seen
your picture in the paper.
You're the dean
with the low I.Q.
- [Laughing]
- [Sighs]
- Whose toe is that?
- Oh!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop it.
- Whoo!
- You guys are really a lot of fun.
- Thanks for a great evening.
- Ah, hey, don't thank me. Thank Lew.
Hey, we're the guys.
We gotta stick together.
- [Doorbell Rings]
- [Man's Voice] There is a visitor at the door.
- [Betty] Oh. I wonder who that could be.
- Let's have a little look-see.
There's only one person
who can pick a nose like that.
Booger, you son of a gun!
Long time, no see.
I hope I'm disturbing you.
- All wet!
- [Laughs]
[Both Laugh]
[Coughs]
Yeah.
[Laughing]
- Booger!
- Betty!
Hey, Booger.
Wait a minute.
You're partying
with Stan Gable?
Yeah. Isn't that a hoot?
Who'd have thought?
Oh, come on, Lewis!
He hates us! He tried to destroy
the Tri-Lambs.
Booger, that was years ago.
He's a cool guy.
- Come on. Party with us.
- I ain't partying...
with no nerd-hater, and I can't believe
you would either.
Stan is a changed man.
- Yeah. Gilbert told me
you had changed too, Lewis.
- What are you talking about?
You've become the worst
kind of nerd-
a self-hating one.
[Laughs] Come on, Booger.
Give me a break.
You know, in school, you were
the George Washington of nerds.
Now, looks like you're
the nerd Benedict Arnold.
Booger.
Hey, come on, man.
Booger!
[Laughs]
Can you believe that guy?
He's got the same old hang-ups
he had as an undergrad.
Poor Booger hasn't changed at all.
[Scoffs]
- We asked the girls what
they thought of your bod.
- [Audience Laughing]
And they told us, Dave.
And one of them said...
"My eyes bounced from bodacious
biceps to bitchin' butt.'"
[Crowd Cheering, Screaming]
Well, you were right
about your uncle.
He's forgotten who he is.
But there's no point
in crying over spilled milk.
We've got a lot of work to do.
We are going to court tomorrow.
Mason, Judy,
take care of depositions...
requests for admissions,
and proximate interrogatories.
Malcolm, I need you and Edith
to research wrongful termination...
venue jurisdiction,
and proximate causation.
Ira, Harold, look into contributory negligence
and assumption of risks.
Toyota, go get us some chili dogs.
It's almost 9:30.
Wake up, everybody!
We're gonna be late!
The only way you'll learn
not to jaywalk...
is to teach you a lesson.
I'm sentencing you
to a week of traffic school.
You bastard!
I'd rather go to jail.
Fine. A week in jail
and a week of traffic school.
Next.
This will be a piece of cake.
It's like leading Tri-Lambs
to the slaughter.
[Laughs]
[Panting]
Well, it's about time.
Your Honor,
I respectfully request-
nay, demand-
an immediate injunction...
restraining Dean Stan Gable...
from overstepping his power...
and discriminating
against the members...
of the Lambda Lambda Lambda
fraternity at Adams College.
Get out of here.
Your Honor...
there is a very definite abridgment
of my clients' civil rights here.
Civil rights, my butt. There's no mention
of nerds in the Constitution.
Get out of my courtroom.
Ha! Thanks a lot. Appreciate it.
Mmm.
[Stan Laughing, Chattering]
Bye.
Adams isn't any different
than anywhere else.
We've been kidding
ourselves all these years.
People still hate us.
- What are we gonna do now?
- Isn't there some way we can appeal it?
Not really.
But, my little nerdlings...
when you're really
down and out...
there's only one thing
you can do-
And that is party
with an Omega Mu!
- [Women Cheering]
- Mu!
[Pop]
[Continues]
I just love the way you
Americans bust a move!
[Pop]
Your love line is very long.
- It is?
- Oh, yes.
Your palm says you
are very sensitive...
and will be a wonderful lover.
It does?
Wanna see if it's true?
Oh, well. Wait! Wait!
Not here.
Meet me upstairs.
[Continues]
It's been 10 years since I've slow-danced
with a Mu, Toyota.
Enjoy it while you can.
Hey, Ira, I think
I'm about to be de-virginized.
- With a girl?
- Yeah.
[Continues]
- Hey, what's goin' on here?
- Oh, uh, Harold...
I'd like you to meet Mechtilda.
Mechtilda-
[Speaking Foreign Language]
Mechtilda is a Kurdish
foreign exchange student.
Oh, a nerd and a Kurd?
A Kurd nerd. How great.
- [Laughing]
- [Nerdy Laughing]
[Harold]
I got to go.
Don't forget your party hat.
[Laughs]
I love college.
All right! Everybody stay where you are.
This is a raid.
Excuse me. Um, could you come back
in about 10 minutes?
I'm Malcolm Pennington III, the Tri-Lamb
president. Do you have a warrant?
Of course.
Hey, why are y'all
invading our house?
We have reason to believe there are
illegal substances on these premises.
- That's impossible. This is a drug-free house.
- It is?
Any member using drugs is thrown
out of the house immediately.
You don't eat meat.
You don't do drugs.
What's wrong with kids today?
We've had the benefit of learning
from your generation's mistakes.
We believe in just saying no...
so that-in all due respect-
we don't turn out like you.
Oh, well, that makes sense.
- Then you have no objection
to us taking a look around?
- Not at all.
Oh, Mother!
[Policeman] It looks like somebody's about
to harvest the bumper crop.
This can't be.
We've been framed.
- I think you've gone a little too far.
- Oh, you do, do you?
I don't like it. I don't want to be a part
of anything to with drugs.
You'll be a part of anything
I want you to be a part of.
You understand that, Gable?
We got those stinkin' nerds
right where want 'em.
[All Arguing]
This is depressing.
Perhaps I should play a traditional tune
from my country.
That always lifts my spirits
and makes everyone happy.
[Harmonica]
Please.
[Continues]
I'd rather get the chair.
- [Door Opens]
- Ruth, tell Stan I'm here.
Um, Dean Gable,
Lew Skolnick is here to see you.
I'm busy. Tell him
to make an appointment.
- You can't go in there, Lew.
- The hell I can't.
What are you doing in here?
- I told you I was busy.
- You know they were framed.
The police found dope everywhere.
Stan, you know these guys.
They wouldn't do anything like this.
Who knows what a bunch
of nerds would do?
You can't mean that.
- But I do.
- This guy a friend of yours?
No.
Well, you sure dress like friends.
Did you just say
we're not friends?
You're just saying that
'cause he's here.
I said it because I meant it.
You know, you haven't changed, Lewis.
You're still a nerd.
And you always will be.
You used me, Stan. I defended you
to everybody who put you down.
I wrote your speeches.
I showed you how to use a computer.
I even fixed you up
with that nice girl Tina.
I thought you were
my friend, Stan.
I'm back. And this time I'm not
taking any prisoners.
[Nerdy Laughing]
- You're free.
- Who paid our bail?
I don't know.
- I did.
- [Betty] Lewis!
Oh! Oh!
- You're back!
- [Nerdy Laugh]
Where did you come up
with that kind of scratch?
Ooh. Betty,
I hope you don't mind.
I mortgaged the house.
Mind?
I've never been happier in my life.
There's another little problem.
They've confiscated the Tri-Lamb house
and everything in it...
and they've given it
to the Alpha Betas.
- Can they do that?
- I'm afraid they can.
So, Betty,
if it's okay with you...
I'd like all the Tri-Lambs
to stay in our house.
I insist.
- Oh, Betty, you're the greatest.
- [Laughs]
[All]
Betty! Betty! Betty!
Betty! Betty! Betty!
- [Betty] Oh!
- [Chanting Continues]
I knew you'd
come though, Uncle Lew.
Uncle Lewis.
From now on, I'm Lewis Skolnick.
You are such a nerd.
Damn right I am.
- Nerds!
- Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
- [Chanting Continues]
- Let's go kick some Alpha Beta ass!
[All Cheering]
Hey, where's my regular barbers at?
Oh, we fired 'em, 'cause they were nerds.
Mmm!
- Oh, good.
- But don't worry.
We'll take good care of you.
Hey, you're not makin' it
too short back there, are you?
Oh, no, no, no.
It's my vision of you at work.
It's a look of the '90s.
It's very now.
Very end of the millennium.
Hey, I heard you two shaved
two nerds' heads a while back.
- [Laughs]
- Yeah. It was great, huh?
I know.
Those nerds are us.
[Laughs]
The girls are gonna love it.
[Nerdy Laughing]
- You called for a plumber?
- Shower's broken. I need to bathe.
[Sniffs] I can tell. You've got
some righteous B.O., dude.
Just fix the water.
[Groaning]
Oh!
[Sputtering, Babbling]
[Humming]
I've got a surprise
for you, Alpha Betas.
Now where is that
Pimple Clear?
[Robotic Whirring]
[Whirring Continues]
[Harold] We're here at the world-renowned
Tri-Lamb fraternity bathroom...
where we've secretly replaced
their pimple clear...
with pimple-inducing
ingredients.
Let's see if they notice.
[Wolf Howling]
Bobo, this house
gives me the creeps.
Oh. It's okay, cream puff.
I'm here to protect you.
What's that on your face?
My nose.
- There's another one.
- Another what?
And there's another one.
And another one.
[Panting]
Yuck! They're spreading!
[Screaming]
[Sobs]
[Panting]
The nerds gave me pimples!
The nerds gave me pimples!
The nerds gave me pimples!
[Spits]
[Laughing Continues]
Good job, Tri-Lambs.
But it's time to get serious.
We've got to take back what's ours
and show everyone...
that the '90s can't
function without nerds.
And that was
Guido and the Tour Guides...
with their new hit,
"Agent Eddie."
What are you doing?
I'm on the air.
We're commandeering the Adams College
radio station in the name of nerd freedom.
There's no greater friend of the nerd
than the American deejay.
If we weren't all nerds ourselves,
we'd be on television.
Stan, have I got news for you.
What's the matter
with your face, Orrin?
Some secret nerd concoction.
The dermatologists said
they'd never seen anything like it before.
- [Laughs]
- It's not funny, Stan!
- You look like a-
- I know, I know. A candy cane.
- No. A barber pole.
- Oh. Ha-ha.
We interrupt this program to bring you
an urgent message.
My name is Lewis Skolnick...
and I'm chairman...
- [Volume Increases]
- Of the computer science
department at Adams College.
I'm a nerd, and I'm proud of it.
Get your campus cops down to the radio
station and get that moron off the air.
My fellow nerds...
we are facing the greatest challenge
we have ever faced-
the systematic elimination of nerd culture
from the Adams campus.
I, therefore, am calling
for an Adams College nerd strike.
I call for nerds of all ages
to throw down your packs.
In fact, I call for anyone out there
who's ever had a brother...
or a sister who's a nerd, anyone
who's admired a nerd from a distance...
to join me in shutting this school
and all Adams city services down...
until our rights are restored!
- [Door Opens]
- Honey! Lewis!
- Let him go!
- I know our cause is just.
- Let him- Let him go!
- I know God is on our side!
- You let him-
- [Grunting] I know I-
- Lewis! Lewis!
- [Tone Ringing On Radio]
- Got him!
- [Radio Knob Clicks]
Uh, Dean Gable, I'm leaving now.
- Oh, you have a hair appointment, Ruth?
- No, I'm joining the strike.
But you're not a nerd, Ruth.
No, but my son is.
And whatever he is or wants to be,
I support him 100%.
Shut it down!
[No Audible Dialogue]
[Operators Chattering]
- Is anybody in here?
- Hello?
- [Phones Ringing]
- [Overlapping Chattering]
Hello?
- [Phones Ringing]
- [Overlapping Chatter Continues]
[Woman] I'm sorry. I don't have that-
[Continues, Indistinct]
[Woman #2] Please try again. It's 1-800-
[Continues, Indistinct]
[Chattering Stops]
[Phones Ringing]
Shut it down!
- [Man] Shut it down!
- [Operators Shouting]
- [Woman] Shut it down!
- Shut it down!
[Operators]
Strike! Strike!
I told you it's gonna be
a great year.
[All Shouting, Indistinct]
Ninety, 91, 92-
- [Stifled Laugh]
- Call the electric company.
Phone's dead.
Nerds!
- [Groaning]
- You know, you look like a-
I know, I know. A barber pole.
No, I was thinkin'
more like a candy cane.
- That's very funny.
- Look, you got any gas?
Oh, yeah.
Plenty of gas.
- [Laughs]
- [Laughs] Can't sell you any though.
- [Both Laughing]
- What are you, a nerd sympathizer?
Oh, hey. Look, I don't want anything
to do with this nerd thing.
I got no feeling for them
one way or the other.
Your computers
don't work, do they?
- How'd you guess?
- [Orrin] It's the same
at every station all over town.
- So what are we gonna do?
- Ahh.
Don't worry about it.
It's just as tough on them as it is on us.
[Horn Honking]
Why don't you get a horse?
[Imitates Horse Neighing]
[Laughs]
Where'd he get gas?
[Grinding]
- Methanol?
- Fill 'er up.
Not only are we winning
our campus back...
but we're recycling refuse, cutting down
on the consumption of fossil fuels...
and ridding the air
of nasty pollutants.
- [Shrieks]
- [Booger Laughing]
- Aah! No!
- Whoo!
[Laughing]
[Phone Rings]
- [Booger Laughing]
- Whoo-hoo!
- [Laughing Continues]
- [Women Shrieking]
[Screams]
Oh, Booger!
- [Women Shrieking]
- [Booger Laughing]
- Mr. Skolnick.
- Ira, call me Lewis.
Lewis. We are receiving tremendous
nerd support from all across the city.
That's wonderful.
Get on the modems...
and contact all the ex-Tri-Lambs
across the country.
I want them here
for the nerd-in.
Mr. Skolnick?
- [Shutter Clicks]
- [Crowd Cheering]
- [Feedback]
- They call us nerds...
because we've always
been nice to people.
- [Crowd Cheers]
- They call us nerds...
- because we get good grades.
- [Crowd Cheers]
They call us nerds because we treat
our parents with respect.
- [Crowd Cheers]
- Well, they're right.
- We're nerds.
- [Man] We're nerds!
And we're very wet,
and we're very upset.
[Crowd Cheers]
We're nerds. We're wet.
We're very, very upset.
We're nerds! We're wet!
We're very, very upset!
We're nerds! We're wet!
We're very, very upset!
- We're nerds! We're wet!
- He's right.
- Let's take these off.
- We're very, very upset!
- [Chanting Continues]
- Isn't this great?
The old gang isn't coming.
They live all over the country.
They have their own problems
and their own lives.
Yeah, but they know
I sold out.
Even my ex-best friend, Gilbert,
knows I'm a traitor to our people.
We're wet!
We're very, very upset!
We're nerds! We're wet!
We're very, very upset!
- [Chanting Continues]
- Hey, Gable. Boo!
We're nerds! We're wet!
We're very, very upset!
Ladies and gentlemen,
look who finally decided to show up.
Our dean, Stan Harvey Gable.
[Booing, Hissing]
You nerds have ruined my life.
How'd we do that, Stanley?
I used to be
a big man on campus...
until you humiliated me
at the pep rally.
Then you stole Betty away from me.
[Panting]
After that, not another living soul ever
respected me again.
You're such a victim, Stan, aren't you?
Maybe you ought to start taking
responsibility for your actions...
instead of blaming all your faults
and failures on others.
Uhh! Get! Get!
- [Crowd Cheering]
- [Man] Gable, you jerk!
[Woman]
Gable is unable!
[Man #2]
Get off the campus, Gable!
[Cheering,
Shouting Continues]
[Man]
Not a friend to nerds!
- [Door Closes]
- [Sighs]
The campus police
have joined the strike.
They're everywhere. It seems as if
you shake anyone's family tree...
a couple of nerds will drop out.
Maybe we should
try and negotiate.
I don't negotiate with nerds.
Well, what are we gonna do,
Orrin?
The press is gonna have
a field day with this.
I'm gonna be the laughingstock
of the entire country.
The school is paralyzed. There's no
telephones, no electricity, no gas.
It's like Baghdad around here!
Shut up!
We destroy Lewis Skolnick, the rest of those
nerds will fall like a deck of cards.
How would you destroy him?
By revealing his misuse
of Adams College funds.
Lewis has been misusing
Adams funds?
Remember those papers
I had you have him sign?
- Yeah.
- Well, Lewis doesn't know it...
but I've been using part
of his monthly appropriation...
to get things that I think
the college needs.
Like what?
Like procuring women for the football players,
new yacht, Lear jet-
things the school needs.
Well, why didn't you
tell me about this?
- I didn't think that was necessary.
- Not necessary?
I'm the dean!
Come on, Stan.
We both know what you are.
[Chuckles]
And if you want to stay the dean,
you'll keep your mouth shut.
You could ruin him for life.
I know. Terrible, isn't it?
[Laughing]
[Steam Hissing]
[Whirring]
[Stan]
You have any eights?
- Go fish.
- Hmm.
We've broken their backs.
They're all returning to work.
Great. Uh, got an eight.
He did it for sure.
How else did he get that Beemer?
- This is a lie.
- Of course it is.
- I didn't know anything about this.
- Of course you didn't.
- I can't believe they pulled this.
- Of course you can't.
You were right, Betty.
I was a fool.
Stan was duping me all along.
I'm gonna be ruined now.
Everything I've worked for my whole life
is gonna be destroyed.
No matter what happens,
we still have each other.
Betty.
[Clears Throat] Excuse me,
but as your attorney, I've got to know.
Did you do it?
I mean, it's cool if you did.
I'd have done it myself if I'd had the chance.
I'm just curious.
No, I didn't do it!
I'm innocent!
Of course you are.
[All] Adams college blew it!
Lewis didn't do it!
Adams college blew it!
Lewis didn't do it!
Adams college blew it!
Lewis didn't do it!
Adams college blew it!
Lewis didn't do it!
Adams college blew it!
Lewis didn't do it!
Adams college blew it!
Lewis didn't do it!
Adams college blew it!
Lewis didn't do it!
- [Knock On Door]
- [Beeps]
One second.
Come in.
Betty.
What are you doing here?
He thought you were
his friend, Stan.
Well, who has friends?
Everybody uses everybody else.
Nobody has friends.
Lewis does.
Oh, yeah, sure.
He had a lot of friends during the strike.
But where are they now?
You know he's innocent, Stan.
I want you to tell the truth
and get Lewis released.
You really love
this guy, don't you?
He means everything to me.
I'd do anything to save him.
Anything?
Is that what you want, Stan?
No.
I don't want it like that, Betty.
Believe it or not, I still
have a little pride left.
- [Woman] Come over here. Did you get that?
- [Crowd Chattering]
Mr. Dawson,
any more nose-picking...
and I'll hold you in contempt.
Your witness.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Mr. Gable...
how did you get your job?
I applied for the job, and I got it.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Were you qualified to be dean?
Sure. Yeah.
I arrested a lot of kids...
when I was with
the highway patrol...
did a lot of volunteer work with the police
athletic league-stufflike that.
Well, that certainly qualifies you...
to be the dean of a major college.
What was your
grade point average, Stan?
- I had a "C" average.
- "C"?
Was it not in fact a C-minus...
just this side
of the D-plus border?
Yeah!
I don't see what my grade point has to do
with this case.
Just answer the question,
Mr. Gable!
I agree with the witness,
Mr. Dawson.
I don't see what
his grade point has to do...
with that nerd
embezzling funds.
- [Spectators Murmuring]
- [Booger] Your Honor, I intend to prove...
that there were
shenanigans involved...
in the very appointment
of Stan Gable...
- as dean of Adams college.
- Overruled.
Dean Gable isn't
the one on trial here.
Your Honor, this line of questioning...
is the cornerstone
for my entire defense.
Overruled.
Well-Well, I call for a mistrial.
Clearly my client
can't get a fair trial...
in this anti-nerd atmosphere.
- Yeah!
- Overruled!
- Come on. Please, Your Honor?
- Any more outbursts, Mr. Dawson...
and I'll throw your whole damn gaggle
of nerds in jail for contempt!
- [Sighs]
- [Murmuring]
Yeah, right.
- [Clears Throat] Mr. Gable-
- Yes?
When did you learn...
of my client's alleged misuse
of Adams college funds?
- Just recently.
- Oh, well, wasn't that a coincidence?
That you should discover this...
at the very height of a nerd strike
led by Lewis Skolnick-
A strike which threatened
to topple...
your tower
of totalitarian tyranny!
Yeah!
- [Judge] Quiet!
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Quiet!
Silence in my court!
Mr. Dawson, I'm warning you.
- I've had it with you.
- Psst!
Dad!
Who is this geek
in my courtroom?
- I thought you were on your honeymoon.
- Well, your stepmother and I...
have the rest of our lives
for honeymooning.
We want to be here to support you.
We're behind you 100%.
I'm really glad you're here.
I need all the help I can get.
- Well, son, I believe help's on the way.
- What do you mean?
Free Lewis! Nerd power!
- Lamar!
- Lewis!
Order! I demand order!
- [Laughing]
- So what are you doing?
Well, I live in Milan now.
I'm a model.
You know- strike a pose.
Oh, what is that?
- Wormser.
- What is a Wormser?
When a Tri-Lamb's in trouble,
I'm there.
[Nerdy Laugh]
You're so grown up.
- And so handsome.
- [Laughs]
- Are you married?
- Better.
I'm a gynecologist.
Your Honor, this is a mockery
of the judicial system!
- Silence!
- Banzai! Flee Rewis!
Takashi?
- [Laughing]
- [Nerdy Laughing]
U.N.
We're here, baby.
Power to the nerds! Yeah!
[Cheering]
Quiet! I've lost control.
- Lewis, good to see you.
- Oh, U.N., thank you for being here.
- Oh, this is so wonderful.
- I know. If only-
Gilbert!
Hi, Lewis.
Gilbert.
I can't believe you're here.
I thought you never wanted
to speak to me again.
I didn't.
But... I heard
you were a nerd again.
Forever this time.
- [Laughs]
- [Nerdy Laughing]
[Cheering]
- [Gavel Banging]
- Order!
Order!
- Your Honor-
- I demand order!
- Your Honor-
- What is it?
I'd like to make a statement.
Lewis Skolnick had no idea
what was going on.
Are you saying this nerd
is innocent?
- Yes.
- [Spectators Gasping]
Yes. The money was misappropriated
by Orrin Price.
- This is preposterous!
- You're worse than they are, Price!
Lewis, I'd like to be your friend.
Seeing you here with the rest of your
Tri-Lamb brothers and sisters-
Well, it makes me see
what real friendship is all about.
My whole life
I've hated your kind.
When really I-
I hated myself.
And as I sat last night
at the computer...
I realized that-
that I was a nerd.
Yeah. And that there's
a little bit of nerd in everyone.
I guess I was just afraid to face that part
of myself, but now I'm not.
I'm a nerd- trapped in a beautiful body,
but I'm a nerd nonetheless.
You're not a nerd!
You're an idiot!
Idiots are people too,
Orrin.
It's not how smart you are
or how good-looking you are...
or how much money
you make.
It's what's in your heart
that counts.
I'm sorry, Lewis.
I'm so sorry.
I just hope that one day you'll be able
to forgive me for what I've done to you.
I love you, Stan.
Oh, brother.
You guys want to be alone?
[All]
Shut up, Price!
I'd also like to point out...
that it was Orrin Price that planted
the marijuana in the Tri-Lamb house...
and that the Tri-Lambs are completely
innocent of all charges.
Whoo!
Bailiff, handcuff that man.
Oh, I'm gonna get even with you, Gable.
You can bet on it!
I'll get even with all you nerds!
[Laughing]
Does this mean I win?
Case dismissed.
[Laughing]
Booger!
[Man]
Greatjob. Greatjob. Greatjob.
[Malcolm]
Congratulations.
- Oh, man. [Sighs]
- Oh! Oh!
Stan, I am so proud of you.
Oh, it feels so great
to come out of the closet.
I have always had these feelings
ever since I was a little kid.
I always wanted to read
and get good grades...
but my parents, they just wanted me
to be popular and play sports.
Oh! You don't have
to pretend anymore.
- Yeah.
- I'll tell you what, Stan.
I'm gonna work my tail off...
- to see to it that you get to stay on as dean.
- We all are.
We need as many nerds
in power as we can get.
Right! Right!
- Yes! Oh.
- Hey.
- Lewis.
- Betty.
I love you so much,
you big nerd.
I know I am,
but what are you?
A nerd lover.
Oh, Betty.
- Oh!
- Oh!
[Laughing]
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
- Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
- [Chanting Continues]
Come on, Harold.
We've got some unfinished
business to attend to.
[Chanting Continues]
I got to go.
It's gonna be a great year.
[Nerdy Laughing]
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
[Pop]
[Nerdy Laughing]