Road to Singapore (1940) Movie Script

Hi, Babe. Hello, Bill. Come on down.
Hurry up. Give me my money.
I've got a wife waiting'.
Hello, Bill.
Hi, Babe.
How you been? You look
pretty and smell pretty too.
Wait a minute.
You sure got that quick enough.
There you are, Josh.
That's married life for you.
Yeah, isn't
that beautiful?
If the world was run right,
only women would marry.
Hey, could they
do that?
Get a load of that!
You break your arm? I haven't
heard from you in 3 months!
I've been very busy. You've
been busy. I can imagine.
He got bigger.
What did you think
he'd get? Littler?
Mom, look. Here's Pop
squeezing a hula dancer.
Give me that.
You were busy, huh?
Wait till I get you home.
Come on, push Dewey.
Well, Mr. Ace Lannigan,
let that be a lesson to you.
A lesson to me?
If they lined up all
those movie queens...
and let them wave those long
eyelashes at me, know what I'd do? Huh?
I'd throw rocks at them. Yes.
Toss them right
at them. Oh-ho-ho.
I can brush them off like flies. Oh, yes.
Which of you is Ace Lannigan? That's me.
- Know a gal named Cherry?
- Cherry?
No. Sure you do. That's
the little blonde...
I know Cherry.
How's she doing'?
She's getting' married.
Well, what do you know.
Great kid... Cherry.
So little Cherry's
getting' married!
Yeah, she wants you
to come to the wedding'.
If I'm around.
Who's she marrying?
- You!
- She couldn't have picked a...
Can I be an usher?
There must be some mistake. All
I did was take her to a movie.
Yeah, and kept her out
half the night!
Can I help it if there's
double features? Can he help...
Come on. You're going' with us. All right.
I'm going' with them. Oh,
you're going' with them.
I'm going' with them.
Patty-cake, patty-cake,
baker's man.
Bake a cake
as fast as you can.
This sort of thing
has got to stop...
Spreading the Mallon name
all over the newspapers!
Getting yourself mixed up
in a waterfront brawl!
I've never heard of anything
more disgraceful in my life!
It's not as bad as that.
Take it easy, Skipper.
All right, O'Keefe.
Yes, sir.
You seem to think the world
is a three-ring circus...
and all you've got to do
is run around and have fun.
What's wrong with that? The world
won't let you, that's what's wrong.
You mean the Mallons won't
let me. Won't let you what?
What are we
keeping you from doing?
Skipper, you've been singing'
this song at me for years.
Eventually you're
going to trap me.
But you can't blame me for
holding out as long as I can.
Look here, Josh, I'd like
to sit on a coral reef...
and play a ukulele,
but we're Mallons.
It's taken nearly 200 years
to build up this business...
and it's my duty and yours
to carry on.
We've got stockholders, customers,
ships all over the world.
What's wrong with one of
the Mallons sailing on them?
You've dodged your
responsibilities long enough.
You're taking over the maintenance
department, office hours nine to five.
Oh, no. I'm not going to wind up
back of that desk like you,
pushing buttons, growling
and barking at everybody.
That's not for me, Dad.
I want to be one of the boys.
I want to be a regular guy. A regular guy?
The poor house is
full of regular guys!
You're going to accept
your responsibility...
just like I did
from my father,
and just like he did
from his father.
The old captain... the fellow
that started the whole thing.
He was a man! Only had one
ship too! And we've got 80.
Let's sell 79, take the other,
sail around, have some laughs.
Don't be ridiculous.
What about Gloria?
When I was your age,
I was married and had you.
Suppose I'd gone vagabonding
around the world?
Where would you
be now?
You got me there,
Mr. Mallon,
Miss Gloria Wycott.
I told you
it would be all right.
Josh, darling!
Hello. How are you? You look
wonderful... brown as a coconut!
I saw the headlines,
"Waterfront Brawl," and I said...
"Josh is back. "
Couple of guys...
I suppose you businessmen have
settled everything? No, we...
What's he going to be? A vice president? Who?
Don't make him a vice president.
Make him work. We hadn't progressed...
I've found the sweetest apartment
on a hill overlooking the sea.
Who for?
Look, I...
For us. You can watch
the ships come and go.
I think I'll run along.
Where we going', Dad?
I leave him
to you, Gloria.
Come on, Josh. Sit in that chair. Where?
Right there. I want to see
how you look in it. What for?
You look wonderful there. Yeah?
That's where you belong.
I don't feel so cozy.
Skipper looks all right
back here, but...
What's this? Sketches for our
apartment. I did them myself.
What's that?
Living room.
Living room!
Very gay... fuchsia and blue. Blue and who?
Fuchsia and blue.
And look. That's the dining
room. The dining room!
Look at the table.
When it's open it'll seat 40.
40 what? 40 people, silly!
I'll have to get on a scooter
to pass you the salt!
Oh, Josh, you're mad.
Look, that's your room.
Looks like
a drive-in.
What's that big affair
in the middle?
That's the bed. The bed.
Can you get 40 in there?
Oh, Josh. I like those shelves, though.
I can put my
ship models on them.
Oh, darling.
No, not there.
I got a clipper
in a bottle that...
Oh, honey, no. They're
not smart anymore. Oh.
I thought something
delicate... porcelain...
little Chinese men. We could
have them do the laundry.
Oh, Josh. You'll like it
when it's finished. I hope so.
It's wonderful having you back.
Been a good boy?
Well, I got "E"
for effort.
"E" for...
thought about you a lot.
Missed you...
Yes. You got a
pretty outfit on.
All for you, Josh.
After dinner,
we'll drive out to the country.
The nights have been divine;
the biggest, yellowest moon
you ever saw.
Mm, you sailors! Well...
Hi, Ace.
Hi, Josh.
What's been doing'
on the firing line?
You better stay
right where you are.
The Cherry family's looking'
for the whites of your eyes.
They won't find
any whites in my eyes.
I've been washing them out
with Mercurochrome.
I brought you groceries and
the paper. Take the pole.
Say, that's fine.
What? No caviar?
No caviar.
What are you doing'
with that monkey suit on?
Big doings on the yacht
tonight. Big doings?
What kind of doings? They're
announcing my engagement to Gloria.
Yeah, well that's...
Your engagement?
Why you double-crossing',
moonstruck pushover.
Gloria hits you with billing' and
cooing'... and bang, you're a dead pigeon!
I wouldn't talk, with that Cherry
family parading up and down.
Don't worry about me.
I'm the Rock of Gibraltar.
How'd they hook you? They
dangled a little thing...
called family tradition
in front of me.
Seems the world can't get along
without a long line of Mallons.
What happens when
you get to 100? Bingo?
Hey, I got a strike.
Give me that pole.
I've been waiting two years.
Run the boat!
Pull away, Wally.
Don't scratch my boat. This
is where the home guard...
Preserve your
Stay with it.
Give it a little slack.
A little slack? He's got me
peeled down to the nub now.
Watch it. Hold it! I think we've
got one of the Cherry brothers.
Give them plenty of slack.
Just let it out.
He must go
200 pounds.
He goes 400
if he goes an ounce.
He isnt
any sardine.
There they are.
I'd like to get a picture.
Would you mind
standing up?
I'd like a picture of
Mr. Wycott and your family.
Would you put your hand on Mr.
Wycott's shoulder? Of course.
That's fine. And gentlemen,
try to look a little happy;
you know, prospective
fathers-in-law and all that.
Miss Wycott, will you move
closer to your brother?
Gordon, please.
If you'd care
to wait a few days,
she has a fianc coming. Gordon!
That's all right. He'll be
here directly. That's fine.
Smile... pretty.
That's it. Thank you.
Whoa, he's a big one.
Hold it.
He's more tired than we
are. What do you mean, "we"?
Get it.
I think I've
got them now.
See if I can
hoist him in.
Get that gaff.
We'll have them here in a minute,
if he don't have me down there.
Step into the office.
Come in.
Mm. I don't know if I'll
have him filleted or broiled.
How would you like him?
I'd like him in the boat.
That's not a bad idea.
Hey, he's still alive.
He won't give up.
He must be a Republican.
There you are.
I've been looking for you.
I've been looking for you.
Where's that boy of yours?
There are guests, you know,
I'm starving, and...
I suppose he's planning
a surprise for us.
Okay, up we go.
Yes, sir, they'll
never believe it.
Tie that boat off, will you? Aye, aye.
What a battle
he put up, huh?
There we go. Easy now. Okay.
Surprise, eh?
Hi, gang.
Look what we've got.
It took us four hours.
Hi, honey.
Hello, Skipper.
You know Ace. I brought
him along for laughs.
- When do we eat?
- Hi, folks. Hi, Skipper.
Who's the boyfriend? Barnacle Bill? Shh.
Get a load of that character. Who's that?
That's one of the
zeros in the 400.
Miss Wycott, how about
one of you and Mr. Mallon?
Get me with the fish.
No, darling, after dinner.
Don't you think you'd better
dress? It won't take us a minute.
I'll slip you into something
flimsy. Will they excuse us?
Officer, get that fish
off this deck. Right.
He's a riot. He can
go on like that all night.
It's nothing at all. So I see.
You mean you want more? Yes.
Ace is hot tonight,
isn't he?
Is he going to stay at that
piano all evening? Oh, no.
He's got some other stuff.
He's just limbering up.
Hey, drums.
A crowd has stormed
the music hall
Won't someone please
put in a riot call
- Where's Captain Custard
- Custard! Custard!
They're milling left
they're swarming right
This always happens
when they have bank night
Where's Captain Custard
Here's Captain Custard
undaunted and unflustered
With his troops
officially mustered
No ushers are greater
in any theater
In town
Quick! Can't you see, sir
Oh goodness gracious me, sir
Will you look
at Company "B", sir
I think
they're retreating
This bank night
is beating them down
He'll halt their advances
With firm and fearless
They shall not pass
the center aisle
'Cause he's armed to the teeth
with a winsome smile
Captain Custard
undaunted and unflustered
And around him
women are clustered
He knows all their wishes
they're waiting for dishes
It's not his uniform
spic 'n spruce
Cause he looks too much
like a Charlotte Russe
Oh, Captain Cussie
Do you think I could hire
your friend for a stag party?
You got to take both of us.
We work together.
Oh, sir
on the QT.
I'm private tutti-frutti and
I'm now reporting' for duty
You'll find
while I'm here, sir
No one is fiercer than me 'Tens Hun!
I'm one of those creatures who
thrives on double features
My devastating charm
will count
I'm in there pitching' for Paramount Aaah!
Pardon my stating
but I'm so captivating
That the folks won't notice
they're waiting'
They'll stand defeated
and smile though unseated
I've got more medals
across my chest
Than in all West Point
or in all points west
Cute, tutti-frutti
Pvt. Tutti-Frutti,
I award you the medal
for finding that pocketbook...
and returning half the
money. It was nothing at all.
Does that go with it? That's it.
'Tens Hun!
'Tens Hun!
For bravery.
I'll mail
it to you.
Getting rough,
aren't they, Gordon?
There they go!
What do you want? Same as
you, but you're the captain.
You wouldn't know how to
handle this. What do you mean?
Give me your medals. You Indian
giver. Leave me ammunition.
This is out of your
department. It's chilly outside.
Yes, it is.
I said...
Oh, Captain Custard
What is it?
Bank night?
What's that for?
To buy yourself
a hand organ...
and a red hat
for your monkey.
Me? Yeah. Let's show him
that other number we do.
Patty-cake, patty-cake,
baker's man.
Bake a cake
as fast as you...
He's made us the laughingstock
of the whole country!
I demand a public apology.
You've got to bring him back.
Back from where?
All we know is this.
What's this?
The gentleman on the right
is your prospective son-in-law.
Yes, Mr. Mallon.
I want a listing of every ship
that left Honolulu...
in the past three weeks. Yes, sir.
You've got to bring him back
on his hands and knees,
if you have to break his neck to do
it. What are you getting excited for?
I'm the one who should be
excited, and I'm perfectly calm.
He can't have gone far, unless he fell
overboard, which is too much to hope for.
He must be somewhere
on there.
There she goes.
And here we are.
And as our ship of dreams
sails into the golden sunset...
Leaving the magic
isle of Kaigoon...
And the rover boys
in peace and quiet...
far, far from
the workaday world...
That washes up
Gloria and Cherry.
Do you realize how close I
came to getting' hooked? Me too.
We've got to agree
right now... no more women.
No women of any kind, size,
shape, or color. Not even midgets.
If either one of us even looks
at anything in a skirt,
the other can clip his ears off
and stuff them down his throat.
I hope you choke. How you
going to look streamlined?
Get a load of this.
Marvelous invention.
Should be one in every home.
That's a tropical
How 'bout this, huh?
Soft as goofer feathers. Who wrote
that song, "This Is The Life"?
This is the joint we've been
looking' for. How you going to beat it?
Lay in the hot sun,
reach up and get a coconut,
throw a hook out,
and you get a fish.
- How much you holding'?
- We're loaded... $ 1.28, net.
That should be enough to light a
fire under a couple of short beers.
Are you ready?
Coming'. Coming'.
This one's on you,
my friend.
What's cooking'?
I think he wants her to
give up cigarettes. Yeah.
Nix. You want that dude
to snap out your front rack?
You don't think I'm afraid
of him, do you?
I am.
Why you...
Come on.
Come on.
Go on.
How 'bout getting' up,
Come on.
Get up.
What's the matter?
It's on sidesaddle.
I'll fix that.
How's that? Better. Thanks.
How 'bout a little
breakfast? Wouldn't hurt.
Why don't you
let her get it?
That's not
a bad idea.
Come on, get up.
She's a sound sleeper,
this kid.
- She's gone!
- Gone?
I thought so. My knife!
Our money... 42 cents!
It's gone. My watch...
My grandfather's watch!
We're clean. She didn't
leave us change of a match.
Serves us right for
getting' mixed up with a dame.
Where'd she go? I tell
you, Caesar, I do not know.
Where is she? Everything I
know I have already tell you.
She has gone with the Americans. Aah!
Good morning to you.
- Where's my knife?
- Right here.
I tried to sell it;
but the man, he laughed.
Where's my watch?
Right here.
That was my
grandfather's watch!
Could you eat it? No, but you
can't take things like that.
Why don't you ask us
when you want something?
Did you buy this too? I got
that from where I used to live.
This is mine. Why didn't you hock
that instead of my grandfather's watch?
Because in Kaigoon
you do not need a watch.
This we may need.
There is a spring in the forest.
Go get some water.
Go on.
And you can build a fire. Huh?
You'll find firewood
right outside.
Go ahead.
Hurry up.
When shadows fall
And the night
is dark and deep
I've a rendezvous
That I must keep
Or my poor heart
Would not sleep
I have two friends
The strangest company
The gay
lighthearted moon
And the willow tree
The sad willow tree
And when we meet
I notice suddenly
The moon
begins to smile
But the willow tree
Starts weeping for me
Somehow I know
it's about my love
The willow
must doubt my love
Will ever appear
And yet
The moon
seems to say
My love
will soon be here
Which one is right
They never quite agree
The smiling moon
And the weeping
Willow tree
Where you going'?
Oh, I...
I need some air.
The night air's bad for
you. Back in the net. Yeah.
The smiling moon
And the weeping
Willow tree
Where's Mima? She come and get her clothes.
Where'd she go? She do not tell me.
If she comes back,
find out where she lives.
And do not say
I have been here.
Thank you.
You've certainly had
a busy life.
Yes, and my father...
he had so much life in him...
the way he laughed!
It made people feel good
just to be near him.
- What was your mother like?
- Oh, she was very beautiful.
She was a dancer.
My father met her in Algiers...
and they were married
that very day.
Where, uh...
When did he...
My father was killed.
My mother did not
live long afterwards.
Oh, that's tough.
How'd you happen to get
mixed up with this... Caesar?
After my father died,
my mother had a hard time.
She worked with Caesar.
I think he was in love with her.
After she was gone,
I just kept on with him...
because I did not
know anything else.
It was all right
while I was young, but...
the way Caesar acts,
I think it is good
I am away from him.
You think she's working'
on us? How do you mean?
The cooking and the routine
about her father and mother.
What is that?
Yeah, how 'bout this?
Moving' in, taking' charge...
she's getting' kind of clubby.
She's really dreaming it up.
What does she want?
Got me worried. Me too.
First thing we know,
she'll be getting' our slippers,
sending out the laundry,
and lighting' my pipe.
Break it up.
That is better.
See what I mean?
What are you doing'? I must
keep the place clean for you.
You cleaned me out good...
out of watches.
You will get your watch back
as soon as you go to work.
- Work?
- Work!
Listen, fellas,
I want you to stand there
and admire me for a while.
I got an idea that's
going to make us a fortune.
I don't know how I do it! What do you got?
Soap and water,
that's what!
And stuff a guy in
a medicine show told me about.
All you have to do is get me
some bottles... any kind.
Bottles? Big bottles, small
bottles, pints, quarts...
- Help!
- If I get you...
What's the matter?
- She's got it.
- I have not.
What has she got?
What has she got!
She's got...
An apple for the teacher
Will always do the trick
That's enough.
Suckers are in.
Now folks, we'll regale you
with a slight song.
You vamp me, brother? One vamp coming up.
Do you remember Yuba
who played on the tuba
And made the rumba
such a popular beat
The old peanut vendor
was a solid sender
Not to mention
Piccolo Pete
Of course you've heard of
Sammy from Alabammy
That old accordion man
Well, while
we're on the subject
Do you know
how the beguine began
Music soothes the savage
That's a well-known phrase
But your heart becomes
full of kettle drums
When the sweet potato piper plays
Go on, throw your hats up
Shout a few hoorays
'Cause you can't hold back
you're just a jumping' jack
When the sweet potato piper plays
Though it's not
a magic flute
There's a fascinating' toot
It's not exactly beautiful
It's sort of like
I don't know
I guess you call it cute
Sunbeams try
new dance steps
sound their "A's"
And the world joins in
with a great big grin
When the sweet potato
piper plays... play piper
Well, yes.
When the sweet potato
piper plays
Get me out of this.
try new dance steps
sound their "A's"
And the world joins in
with a great big grin
When the sweet potato piper plays
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
my associate...
has an item he wishes
to describe to you.
This contains no grit,
grime or grease;
made from bark, root,
herbs and berries.
For your kind indulgence, I want to
introduce Spotto, the miracle worker.
Remove spots, stains,
blemishes of all kinds,
and will make your clothes
the color of snow.
Pure as the driven snow!
You know what snow is.
No, I guess
you don't.
Who'll take
the first bottle?
I'm going to pass it among you
so you can inspect it.
There you are...
Spotto, the miracle worker!
The dollar bottle,
selling for 50 cents,
is now available for a
quarter. Down to a quarter?
I'll take a dime.
Dipped to a dime.
A cigar coupon.
An old razor blade.
A beat-up yam.
A bus ticket.
We're going to make
a fortune, all right.
Wait, don't sell another
bottle. Back in the trunk.
I have one more attractive offer
to make before we close.
I'm going to remove any spot
in the crowd free of charge.
A demonstration!
That's it.
If somebody will just walk in. Ahhh!
There's your man.
There's your man. A volunteer. Yes, sir.
Gentlemen, please... the suit. Oh, wait.
Where's your broom?
Have you any spots?
Only when I open my eyes. You
must have a spot somewhere.
What is this blemish
here? That is my moustache.
Ho-ho-ho. You ought to cut a
firebreak in it. Absolutely!
Does your chest ever get
jealous of your upper lip?
A mighty
pretty thing!
There's a spot!
Right there!
isn't it?
Well, I go. Oh, no, not with our spot.
The spot, she stays. But I go. Wait.
Come right up.
We're not going to harm you.
Watch this... an
amazing demonstration.
Ixnay, ixnay.
You're overdoing it.
A new assistant. Don't worry,
there'll be no extra charge.
Watch closely. I'll
have it gone like that!
Pretty bad spot.
How'd that happen?
Well, I...
Is it ink?
Couldn't be. You have to
be able to write for that.
Is it soup? No, but you're getting hot.
Bubbles a little,
but it'll quiet right down.
Ye gads!
It's alive!
Nothing to worry about. I'll
have it out... just like that?
Look, folks, Spotto,
the housewife's friend,
the working man's delight.
Look. Just like a blonde riding a
white horse through a flock of swans.
What am I going to do
with all this lather?
There's nothing to worry about.
If nobody claims it in 30 days,
brother, it's yours.
That's all right.
You never have to be
alarmed about Spotto.
We're taking' it
on the lam.
All right, just stand by.
I'll clean off that spot.
There you are, my friend.
Just like I told you...
no brush, no lather, no spot.
No coat!
So I am not neat.
Fake! Fake!
Why didn't you try out that
stuff before you used it?
I did once before in
Brooklyn. What happened?
Same thing.
Carry me back
To old Virginie
That's where
the cotton
And the corn
and the 'taters grow
Stop it!
Stop it!
I've got work to do, and you're
making a nuisance of yourself.
Yes, and I'm doing an
awfully good job of it too.
I'm going to report
you to the police.
Mr. Willow?
Your whole attitude
is "abdominal"!
I'm sure that's not
the word I mean.
Mr. Willow?
It's from the home office,
direct to me.
It's probably
that you're fired.
Well, come on.
What does it say?
None of
your business.
It's confidential.
That face!
Who is that face? Mr.
Mallon's son. He's missing.
He's here in Kaigoon.
How could he
be in Kaigoon?
How could he be
in Kaigoon? Listen.
I'm walking down the street.
This fellow grabs me,
takes me by the coat. I
struggle, but I cannot get away.
He pulls me.
He pulls me.
All right, he's here.
Let me go. He shakes me.
Then, he throws
some stuff on me.
He rubs and
rubs and rubs...
and rubs and
scrubs and scrubs...
and scrubs and scrubs.
And that's how
I know he's in Kaigoon!
Ace, this is
for cigarettes.
No, Josh, no.
Do not nail them up.
Just put them over the pole.
That is what it is for.
You know that is
part of the stove too.
That did it.
That's the last straw.
Me, too.
"This is for cigarettes, Ace. "
"Better wash the dishes, boys.
Fetch water, chop the wood. "
What are we? Robots? This
is worse than being married.
Only we're
not married.
If we had a wife,
we'd have a wife...
instead of
cauliflower thumb.
We'd probably wind up with
housemaid's knees. That'd be cute.
If you say anything to her,
she looks sad at you...
with those big eyes
and you're cooked.
She's got to go.
Well, I'll call her
in here and you tell her.
What's the matter with you?
You tell her.
I'll call her in and
we'll both tell her.
All right.
Hey, Mima.
Yes, what is it?
Ace, please.
Oh, I'm sor...
Did you want me? Ace has
something to tell you.
We've been talking
it over here, and...
we're just a couple
of regular guys.
prettying up...
The place was good enough
for us the way it used to be.
Don't you think? If you do not like...
It's not
exactly that.
I don't know. It just
don't seem to work out.
It's just not working out,
this stuff.
A couple of fellows like us,
we like to come and go.
Having a girl around,
it's sort of off-the-elbow.
You mean,
you want me to leave?
Well, that's
the general idea.
I see.
I was cooking
these beans a new way.
You must keep adding water
or they will burn.
I think
she's leaving.
You wanted her to go,
didn't you?
You wanted her to go,
didn't you? She's going.
All right,
she's going.
There's nothing
else to say.
It's not exactly good-bye.
We'll be seeing you
around. Yeah, we'll see you.
This is for cigarettes.
Let's spread out and
get back in the mood.
I thought I handled that
pretty well, didn't you?
You did what? I handled the
situation here pretty well.
This situation?
Who else? Yeah.
What was I doing in there? You were
weakening. I had to back you up.
Digging your toe like
both the rover boys.
I packed her bag and
put her on the bus.
But I was the heavy
in the whole piece.
I had my whip
right there.
I was the man that accomplished
the final brush-off.
You want the bow? Take
a bow. Take a light bow.
There's nobody there. Ta-da.
That's fine. You did it all? I think so.
I'm snookered again.
Thank you very much. Thank you. Good night.
Let's get it.
Come on.
Come on!
Listen, I'm not
going to argue with you.
I told you you're coming
with me and that's...
Well, what are you
standing there for?
Go on, get in the house
and fix those beans.
Didn't you hear
what he said?
Hey, you better wipe off
your feet a little. Who?
Hey, where you going? I
got to see a man about a job.
What job?
Just a job.
What are you going to be doing
while I'm gone? I don't know.
You just stay
in the boat, huh?
What for?
Because I want to know
where you are.
Don't give me that baby stare.
I've been hearing things.
Hearing what? About what you've
been doing behind my back.
Like what? Like walking
in the woods with Mima.
What's wrong with walking? Nothing!
But how about those evenings you spent
on the beach holding her hand? What hand?
You've been holding it,
haven't you?
Supposing I have. Maybe
I got to. Oh, you got to?
You got no resistance. I
can love them and leave them.
But the minute they look dreamy
at you, you send for a preacher.
When they look dreamy at you,
their father sends for the preacher.
Why don't you lay off
protecting me?
That's our agreement. No women,
remember? Skip the agreement.
See if you can arrange
to stay in the boat.
What's the matter? Don't you trust me? No.
Look at these, monsieur.
These better than the
others? Oui, much, much.
For any young lady,
these would be very elegant.
15 paseks.
Okay, wrap them up.
Merci, monsieur. Wrap them
up nice with a lot of ribbon.
Very nice, monsieur,
very nice.
Put one of these flowers on
top. Let's go first class. Oui.
What are you doing in here?
Getting myself a few things.
Oh, yeah?
How long you been
wearing these?
All right, so you caught me.
Take a walk, will you?
Where'd you
get the dough?
You hocked my ring. You never
looked good in it anyhow.
There you are, monsieur.
Thank you, I'll take those.
Wait a minute. Whose money paid for them?
Come on, now.
What is this?
Let me carry it for a
while, huh? It isnt heavy.
Taking my ring.
That's stealing.
If you wanted it, why didn't you
ask me? I'd have given it to you.
Yeah, you'd give me your
knife too, without asking.
What are you going to say when you
give it to her? I'll think of something.
I know how you work.
What are you going to say?
Don't worry about me. I'll think of
something. That's what I'm afraid of.
Get up forward,
I'll paddle.
Hey, hey, you
double-crossing wolf.
How am I going to get home?
You'll think of something.
Oh, Mima.
Hello, Josh.
I got a present for you.
Oh, but you shouldn't have
done that. Oh, why not?
Here, let me
save the flower.
You need the money. We
don't need it that bad.
I just hope you like them,
that's all.
Oh, they're wonderful.
They're wonderful,
I've never had a pair
of silk stockings in my life.
I had to sort of
guess about the size.
I didn't know exactly
what you wore.
Such a pretty color.
Look how soft and smooth.
Guaranteed not to rip,
run or bag at the knees.
You and Ace
shouldn't have done this.
Ace? He had
nothing to do with it.
He said we had no business
spending the money.
He's a nice guy, but he's
a little on the tight side.
I said it's only money. If Mima
wants them, I'm going to buy them.
This is the most wonderful
present I've ever had.
Where is Ace?
He'll be along.
There was a girl he had to see.
A girl?
That's Ace... he's chasing
dames all the time.
I did not know
Ace was like that.
Oh, yes. With Ace
it's a new one every minute.
He'll sit on the beach
with them and hold hands.
He'll leave them flat,
just like that. He will?
Yes. I promise you,
I know this Ace Lannigan.
I know how he works, and
I'm the best friend he's got.
I'm so afraid of night
'Cause I'm too romantic
Moonlight and stars
Have made such a fool of me
You know you're
much too near
And I'm too romantic
Now wouldn't I look a sight
on a bended knee
I'm startled
when you whisper
I'll run
if you should sigh
I must be so careful
Or I'll kiss my heart
You shouldn't
let me dream
'Cause I'm too
Don't make me
fall unless
It could all
come true
How can you say to me
that you're too romantic
Well, I mean it.
I'm really sincere.
Moonlight and stars
have had no effect on you
Oh, yes they have. I remember
a girl at the junior prom.
What if I am
too near
And you're
too romantic
That's dangerous. Don't
you see? You being there...
I'm half afraid
you wouldn't know what to do
They tell me your first
impulse is the best one.
I'll tell you
in a whisper
The reason
for my sigh
And if you
believe me
You can kiss
your heart good-bye
That's what
I'm afraid of.
I wouldn't
harm your dream
'Cause you're
too romantic
Now you're
catching on.
And if you fall
well then
It would all
come true
I don't agree with
you at all, Gloria.
You've tried reasoning
with him and got nowhere.
There are degrees
of reasoning.
Your idea is to hit people on
the head with a baseball bat.
Do you know of any better
way of handling Josh?
Why do you suppose
I came along?
Oh, I'm famished.
I'm so hungry my spare tire is deflated.
Pretty near.
Not those poor
bones again.
I think perhaps
they will make soup once more.
I think they've
earned a rest.
How about some
flapjacks, huh?
Where's the flour?
Ace took it.
Ace took it?
Where is he?
He's outside.
Ace, where's...
What are you doing with our
flour? Boy, are we going to eat!
Eat that muck?
No, this is for cockroaches.
We're starving to death and
you're feeding cockroaches.
No, this is Scrammo,
the miracle exterminator.
I'm going to put it in jars
and sell it for two bits.
That stuff won't kill cockroaches.
It will if they eat it.
Suppose they refuse. We'll
stuff it down their throats.
Hey, Sonny,
come here.
I never thought
I'd stoop to this.
What do you got there? You see what it is.
Yeah, that's food. What are you
going to do with it? Take it home.
You could have a lot of fun with a
knife like this. It's practically new.
It's no good.
What do you mean,
no good?
Hello, rugged. Where did you get this food?
At the feast.
Feast? Where?
Over there. They're giving food away!
Oh, they're
giving food away.
Come on,
let's get Mima.
- The feast is only for natives.
- Natives?
Go get that Scrammo and
bring it in here. Scrammo?
What are you doing?
Are you going crazy?
No, we're going native
and you're going with us.
What is this? This might not be good
for cockroaches, but it is for us.
Uh, uh.
dokka wokey?
No sukka dokka. Sukka
dokka, bicarbonate of soda.
Okeydokey. Sukka dokka, one for Monday.
Sukka dokka.
Hey, Ninkey-Poo is sure
giving you the business.
I think she's
the local dressmaker.
What'd he do
with the match?
He just gave his
stomach the hot foot.
So this is
where he lives, eh?
Charming view. I imagine
on a clear day one can see...
the cannibals
eating a missionary.
This is what he
left home for.
Where is he?
I wish I knew.
Look, what have I got here?
It is his cap.
It is his cap.
It is his cap.
Why are you saying to me
what I am saying to you?
It is his cap.
Well? This boy, he see them go away.
Ask him
where they went.
Sula malanga
ini sukow awanga?
Sukow awanga nilo ti
si doog. What'd he say?
They're at the feast.
Oh, I never should have
eaten that last duck.
I do not feel
so good myself.
Would you like me to rub your
back? That's not where they are.
Care for some fruit?
Oh, check, check.
File them.
How often do they give
these little taffy pulls?
Once a year. That's a
long time between meals.
Here I go again.
What came in?
Where is Josh going?
Where is he always going?
Sees a pair of big brown eyes
and starts doing nip-ups.
Give him a girl, a moon and
some stars and he goes haywire.
Just give him a girl. I did
not know Josh was like that.
Oh, sure he is.
I know him.
I know how he works, and
I'm the best friend he's got.
Hu-e nui-nui!
Jen la luno nova
Brilas amon nur
Kaj virino viron
Ravas lau natur'
Nun elektu iun kaj
do dancu kun li
Vera koro batas
ja en ciu el ni
Preta kaj kapabla
kaj volanta por vi
Do ne staru vane
venu nu tien ci
Jen la luno nova
Brilas amon nur
Kaj virino viron
Ravas lau natur'
Ugh, ugh, ugh
Chu, chu, chuh
Huh, huh, huh, ha
Chu, chu, chuh
Shhh huh
Do they have
jitterbugs down here too?
cooking here?
That's freewheeling.
Well, pardon me.
She wants to play.
No. But I have to be courteous.
It is their marriage ceremony.
Each girl chooses a man.
If they like each other,
they are to be married.
This is the way they pick their
husbands. Pick their husbands?
How do you say
"scram" in Kaigoon?
Go away. He is mine. Spread out.
That was
a close one.
In another minute she'd have had
a wedding ring through my nose.
Mi pluvos kaj
teruros la bru'
De fulmo kaj tondro
en kajgun
Ankau iam venos
Sed nenio venkos
I'amom nun
Cielo ho
Jen kison por sigeli
La promeson
eterne kune
How do you like that? He's
chasing her into the woods.
That is part of the ceremony. If he
catches her, he gets a set of dishes, huh?
Du keil unu
Jen la luno nova
Brilas amon nur
Kaj virino viron
Ravas lau natur'
Boy, what a swell spot
to open a hot dog stand.
Say, they're marrying
them off like flies.
Nun elektu iun
kajo do
Josh, she's got Josh!
Josh? Gosh!
Jen le luno nova
No, no, wait.
You cannot go in there. Why not?
You must dance.
Well, let's dance.
How am I doing, bubbles?
Break it up, will you?
I'm dancing my way
into food for the winter.
She has chosen you as a husband. Huh?
You're out of circulation. That's
the wedding march. Get me out of this.
Send for
the marines.
What are you doing?
I'm a decoy.
Sukka nu!
Make a break for it.
Here comes Ferdinand.
Get me outta here.
He's here somewhere.
Sukka nu.
Sukka nu.
There he is!
What's that?
That is your son.
Josh, what the devil
are you doing?
Dr. Livingstone,
I presume.
Hello, Skipper.
- Hello, Gloria.
- Hello, Josh.
Have you gone completely
mad? She's marrying me.
It's about time.
No, that's not Mima.
Mima's over there.
Go ahead, take five.
I'll see you.
It's the most disgraceful
thing you've ever done.
You're coming home with us
and you're coming right now.
I can't...
Never mind, Josh.
We'll play Indian every Friday
night. Oh, I don't know...
And that girl?
Who is that girl?
That's Gloria Wycott.
Josh is engaged to her.
She is very beautiful.
It's the craziest thing
I ever heard of!
Josh, I don't know
where you get it from,
but it's lunacy,
just plain lunacy.
You'd rather stay
and live in that pigsty,
than go home where you belong and
live like a civilized human being?
Now, put down that baseball bat
and let me talk to him.
Josh, you remember me,
don't you?
The Wycott girl?
the general idea.
We're going to take a nice
leisurely cruise home.
Give you time to get over
eating with your fingers.
Then every night in the moonlight I'll
whisper sweet nothings in your ear.
You wouldn't want me if I didn't
want to go back, would you?
There are some things
around here I like.
Yes, I saw one of them
and I don't blame you.
But, Josh, you've never
seen me in a sarong.
I'm quite a dish.
Sure, but...
I told you.
You're wasting your time.
I want no
more nonsense.
We're sailing tomorrow,
and you're going with us!
But why would he want to live
here like he was a nobody?
Why did he come with you
in the first place?
I don't know.
That's Josh for you.
Do you think he will
go back with her?
I guess so. He always said
they'd get him in the end.
Maybe it is
better that way.
That girl.
She is very pretty.
Gloria's all right,
I guess.
But for my money,
I'll take a homemaker.
But Ace, you always
said that you...
Yeah, but a fellow has
to learn, hasn't he?
Take when I came
here with Josh,
we didn't even have a place
to put our cigarette butts.
Used to kick them
through a hole in the floor.
Mima, when a guy does that
he's sunk pretty low.
Has he?
And then you came,
and look at the joint now.
It's a home.
You like a home?
Sure, I do.
Nothing but roaming around.
Eating in hash joints.
Half the time
with no toes in my socks.
I wouldn't ask
a dog to do that.
Well, I said it.
You said what?
For Pete sakes,
I'm asking you to marry me!
Ace, you are
very sweet.
Am I?
Sure enough?
Hi, fellows.
What are you
doing back here?
I abdicated.
From now on I'm going to be
nothing but a nothing.
Just like you two. You are not going back?
No, they're sailing tomorrow,
but I'm going to stick around.
I got to protect my
interests. Wait a minute.
I got a little stock
in this corporation too.
What is this? You don't seem
to be happy that I'm staying.
You got a girl. Why don't
you go home with her?
You can't have everybody. Why not?
'Cause I got some ideas
myself, that's why not.
Just when I start doing
all right, you come back.
you dopey-looking cluck.
You're kidding.
You, in love.
What's the matter? Dopier-looking
clucks than me have been in love.
Name one. What's the
difference between me and you?
I'm human, am not I? There's
been some complaints.
I don't go
around singing,
but I love her
more than you do.
What do you
think of that?
There, I said it. You said it, all right...
Giving her the same line you
give every gal before you run out.
I suppose you didn't
run out on Gloria?
I'm in love
with her myself!
What do you know about
that? I want to marry her.
What do you think of that? So do I.
Why do you suppose I'm staying
here... Josh, Ace... please.
Let's settle this. She picks
one and the other is out.
You can't put her in a spot. Suppose
she don't want either one of us?
What's the matter?
You scared?
All right,
you asked for it.
There you are,
Which one?
I'm sorry,
Hey, I'm doing all right
for a dopey-looking cluck.
I hope you know just
how good you are doing.
Mima, he'll cause you a lot of
trouble and never make a quarter.
But he'll hand you
a million laughs.
Uh, Captain.
I would like
to know something.
I would like to know if to stay in
this country a man must have a passport.
You have not got one?
Oh, yes, I've got one.
But I know one fellow
who has not.
Who is he?
An American sailor.
Anybody home?
Are you Lannigan?
You haven't got a daughter
that's getting married, have you?
No. Why? Then, I'm
Lannigan. What do you want?
Your passport... let me see it. My what?
Your passport.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I had it right here.
Oh, Mima!
Did you send my other
suit out to the cleaners?
Oh, yes, it had
spots all over it.
I did not think of
looking through the pockets.
She sent it out. Come back
tomorrow... That is too bad.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What I'd give
for a patty-cake!
What are you going to
do with him? Deport him.
Da-da-doon da-doo
You know you're
much too near
And I'm too romantic
Wouldn't I be a sight
on a bended knee
I'm startled
when you whisper
I'll run
if you should sigh
I must
be so careful
Or I'll kiss
my heart good-bye
You shouldn't
let me dream
'Cause I'm
too romantic
Don't make me fall
Unless it could all
Come true
Oh. Are you ready for some bridge?
Yeah, I'm ready. Darling,
you've kept us waiting for hours.
I'm sorry.
Let's go down.
Look at that gorgeous
moon. Isn't it lovely?
Take your prisoner
to the boat.
Hey, wait a minute.
What kind of a racket is this?
You're going to get in trouble.
I know some big people.
Tell them hello for me. Tell
them hello for you. I ought to...
Ace, where are you?
What do you want?
What have they done with
him? He is already gone.
Come on.
Come on.
What is the matter
with you, Lannigan?
Lannigan, come...
No... No! Help, police! Come on.
Help! Shut up! Hurry along.
We're ready to sail.
Come on, men.
Here is zee papers. That's fine.
No, no!
He... He!
Not me! What's the matter with him?
He's nuts. As you say in
your language, he's "nots"!
No, he is... Come on,
men. Get him out of here.
You can't get away
with this!
You can't get away with
this. Auf wiedersehn.
Ace, Ace!
Wait a minute.
There! There! It is his
sweetheart. She will tell you.
- They are taking him away.
- Oh, Ace! Ace!
Ace, darling.
Officer, you cannot take him.
No! I love him. He has not done anything.
My heart, she bleeds.
But what can I do?
It's not true.
Come, woman.
It's him, not me!
Get him aboard.
You're all right. You think
fast. We must leave here fast.
Yeah, we're hot.
Go ahead!
There's a boat sailing
tonight, the Star of Asia.
The first mate's a friend
I used to borrow money from.
When we land someplace,
I'll get a job.
Steady, I mean.
That's a laugh. Me working.
One of these days
I'll get you all dolled up...
and we'll walk in
on Josh and Gloria...
and will they
keel over, boy.
We'll get married
right away, huh?
Yes, Ace,
right away.
I sure spin around inside
every time I look at you.
Guess that
must be love, huh?
Everything looks so good,
feels so good.
The air and everything.
That the way you feel?
Yes, that is the way I feel.
We'll get along fine.
We will be very happy.
Why'd you do it, Mima?
Do what?
What's the use of kidding
ourselves? It's just not there.
Do not talk
that way, Ace.
We will get married
and... Oh, no, we won't.
It's Josh you want,
isn't it?
No, Josh is where
he should be.
So that's it.
You went noble, huh?
No, it is
just that...
I saw that girl and
his father and...
I knew that
he was not for me.
Forgive me, Ace.
Please, forgive me.
Josh, Sir Malcolm's
a very important man.
They don't hold
these boats for everyone.
I want you to be
particularly nice to him.
Malcolm's in a position to swing
me a million dollars of business.
I never heard of such a thing.
Never, in all my life!
Sir Malcolm,
what happened?
Some blithering idiot on shore
pulled me out of the crowd,
and nearly ripped my coat
off my back. Did you fall?
Chucked a lot of muck
all over me.
Sir Malcolm,
That's it, Spotto!
Slobbered it all over me.
Where, where?
Where was this?
How the blazes do I know?
Down the blasted street.
Josh, where are you going? Josh!
Come back here.
What do you mean...
That little scene is called
"Spurned At The Altar"...
or "The Sailor's Farewell. "
Have you seen a fellow with
a sweet potato selling soap?
No, sir, do you want to
buy something? No. Oh, Ace!
Oh, Ace!
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to
show you Spotto, miracle worker.
Step right up and take
a bottle of this home.
The usual dollar bottle
sells for 50 cents.
I'm not going to ask a quarter.
I'm not going to ask a dime.
If anybody's got a hot nickel,
step up and get this.
One hot nickel. That's
all. Who wants a bottle?
I'll take a dozen bottles.
There's a man who'll take...
Gosh, Josh!
Well, Ace.
How are you, Josh? I've been trying
to send a wedding present all over...
But we're not...
We didn't get married.
You didn't... You're the
dopey-looking cluck she wants.
Me? Yeah, you. Step in.
Well, Mima.
Oh, Josh.
You know what brought this
happy couple back together?
the magic love potion.
One dollar a bottle.
Come in, get happy.
Reunites lovers.
Cupid in a bottle.
And he ruined my suit. Yeah? Come on.
I paid him for it.
Come on, you go with us. Here we go again.
Josh, beef! You ruined his
suit. Now you go with us.
Wait just a second. Time, time.
Here, take it easy.
Josh, I'm going with them.
Oh, you're going
with them?
Yes, I'm going with them.
Will you be gone long?
I'll check back from time
to time. Oh, capital good.
I'll take over while you're gone. Yes, do.
But don't forget. Patty-cake,
patty-cake, baker's man.
Bake a cake
as fast as you...