Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic (2005) Movie Script

I said 'Shut up, you stupid twat' And...
- Oh my God.
- I know.
Because... And then I'm like:
'Oh fuck, what did I just do?'
But then the audience loved it.
They went nuts.
And she looked like an idiot, like they're all like,
she is a stupid twat that should shut up.
- That's awesome.
- So it was like felt really good. So that's on the record.
It's all like... So many more copies.
Called someone a stupid twat on it.
Who knows. I just glut out
the record finally.
It's so good, so good.
Perhaps I'm a bit producing it. It's crazy.
And then this book. The stupid idea
I had about how guys are jerks.
I went on Oprah with it.
Oh my God, why didn't you tell me?
I would have loved to see that.
I didn't know how would it go,
I wanted it away. You know.
- Can I come on to?
- Yeah, for sure.
Oh my God, that's so cool.
What's going on with you?
What about that pilot?
- I got it.
- Awesome.
I know. I'm waiting to hear for it's gonna get picked up.
And that looks really good. They really like it.
It's so great!
And Dacky was in it.
Cause I brought him to the table reading they needed
a dog for one scene and then like "He's perfect"
He is perfect.
And then I sold that script
to this Comedy Central.
- A sports thing.
- Sport show of all things.
I know. I don't even know
anything about sports.
Who loves.
It's concept, I guess.
What about a...
What about you?
What's been going on?
I haven't seen you in a while.
So much.
- Wow, really?
- Yeah.
I'm doing a lot. So...
You've been getting out a lot.
I actually wrote a show.
Wow, cool.
Are you shopping it around or...?
No it's doing it.
I mean it's...
- I mean it's gonna be on. It's a show.
- On TV?
No, but it's actually
like a play slash movie.
- It's cool. Like in a theatre.
- Wow.
It sounds amazing. What is it? What's it about?
Are you like the star of it? What is it?
It's about a ...
the Holocaust.
Yeah. And it's kind of a...
But it's funny.
And it's also musical.
- Oh my God, that sounds awesome.
- I know.
When are you doing it?
It's a real opus, you know.
You know what, tonight. And it's
actually tonight so I'd better skid detail.
- Right now?
- Yeah. I've got a bunch of stuff to do pre-pro.
Can we come see it?
I wanna see it.
Shit. It sold out. It's totally sold out,
every scene. I know, it sucks.
What if we just hang backstage and
like watch from the wings or something?
Yeah. Can we just be backstage?
We can stand by the
curtains and be quiet.
I can't think why not.
- So will you let us know...?
- Yeah, sure, definitely.
I'm excited. I'm totally excited.
So see you guys tonight.
- Good luck.
- See you at the show.
"Here I go again with my big mouth."
"Spelling off like I got some going."
"I wrote a show and it's playing tonight?"
"I'm so foolish shit man. What was I thinking?"
"I gotta write a show but how am I gonna
do a show. And I don't even have a show to write."
"I never wrote a show, but if I ever wrote a show,
I bet that all of them would know and thinking bites."
"You know what. Fuck down."
"I could write a show."
"I could write a show. I'll just do it."
"I'll write a show."
"All it takes is elbow grease"
"And I could write a show."
"I'll write a show tonight."
"I hope I do it right."
"I could take this mixed up
world and put it in a show."
"I'll write a show alright."
"And I'll have it by tonight."
"All I need is a theatre space
and a bag of weed and a star."
"A star!"
"Good job, Sarah. I'm writing a whole show for tonight.
I don't even have a star. Who's gonna be my star?"
"She's gotta be pretty and
she's gotta be smart."
"She's gotta be funny and
she's gotta be hot."
"She's gotta have a perfect
smile just like me."
"I just need a star
but who could it be?"
"Julia Roberts?"
"Nicole Kidman?"
"Are you kidding, man?"
"Sandra Bullock?"
"Sandra Bullock."
"She's gotta be the kind of
girl that blows your mind,"
"She ought to be better than
those three twats combined."
"She's gotta have a thing
that you just can't define."
It's me.
You are beautiful.
Not like this.
I'll do it.
"I got what it takes. Got what it needs.
Got what a show needs."
"I, I'll show them more, little of me.
I'm what the world needs."
"Hear the train coming
it's coming for me."
"I'm going to Star Town."
"Hear the train coming it's coming for me."
"I'm gonna be a star now."
I'm a comedian, that's what I do.
How do we become whatever
it is that we become?
How is he a lawyer,
how is she a hooker?
How are we whatever
it is we become?
I think what it is, it's like
as we grow up from child.
You know. In our childhood we have all these disfunctions and
they kind of... they melt together and they form a formula.
An individual formula,
it drives us to be whatever it is.
We're driven to be, you know. For comedians
it's definitely like any kind of humiliation, you know.
I know for me.
I was a bad wetter willing to my teens. And continue
to have a bevy of, you know, unwanted hairs. And I...
I was raped by a doctor, which is
a so bitter-sweet for a Jewish girl.
Thank you.
I knew something good
would come out of that.
Out of rape.
I am...
I wear this saint Christopher medal sometimes because
I'm Jewish but my boyfriend is Catholic and it was just....
It was cute the way he gave it to me, you know.
He said if it doesn't burn through my skin it will protect me.
Who cares. Different religions,
you know. I mean...
I guess if you in time with an issue, I suppose
would be like if you're having a baby...
You got to figure out like how
you wanna raise your baby.
...or whatever, you know. Which wouldn't even still
not be an issue for us because we'd be honest, you know...
... and just say, you know like Mammy
is one of the chosen people and ...
... and daddy believes
that Jesus is magic.
That's not nice.
You know Jesus is magic you know
because he turn water to wine and he...
I think he made the
Stature of Liberty disappear.
... or something.
You know that Jews got all,
you know they don't want.
But then Jesus movie came out, you know,
and but now the Jews didn't want people to see it.
Because they felt...
Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ
and then the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans.
I'm one of the few people that
believes it was the blacks.
I don't care. Good. I hope the Jews did kill Christ.
I'd do it again, I'd fucking do it again on the second.
By here is breaking stocks clacking.
This way.
My boyfriend and I were on like second or
third stage, you know, we're like...
...we're finally comfortable.
You know around.
Like I'm finally comfortable enough to pee in front
of my boyfriend, which is so great, you know.
Cause now I'm gonna try
it in the bathroom.
...we take showers together
and you know it's really...
I guarantee if you take a shower with your boyfriend, by the time
you step out of that shower your breasts will be sparkling clean.
Sparkle in.
I was licking jelly out of my boyfriend's
penis and all of a sudden...
...all of a sudden I'm thinking "Oh my God,
I'm turning into my mother."
You know it's like...
Those clues. You know.
Of becoming our parents. It's scary.
So scary.
Try to get that lilts like that.
It's a fun. What if fun cut.
So scary.
Can I steal you for a minute?
Like that kind of voice.
I'm so into that.
I don't know why it's fun.
Can I steal you for a minute?
I'm on a birth control pill.
Cause I do a lot of fucking.
But I want like I wanna try something else,
because it's really hormonian and...
I'm always looking... I'm always asking my
friends what they use for birth control.
...take a little poll, like I ask my friend
Charlie what he and his wife use for birth controlling.
He said he just cums
all over her face.
I'm gonna try that.
He has kids already. My boyfriend, he has kids. I mean theyre like...
He's got a boy and a girl, theyre nine and eleven. And theyre great.
You know what, he actually made them those
ages to commemorate 911, which I hate.
You know it has a lot more than a pin.
I always think like I should get on it
if I wanna have kids. I just...
You know, once you had thirty you know you've got to decide fast
Cause it can be difficult to conceive, it can be dangerous.
And the best time to have a baby
is when you're black teenager.
I'm not like a hoydie-toydie kind of girl.
I dont wanna jewels. I'm not like...
I don't really... I'm not into jewelry or anything.
I'm such a hypocrite.
There's a jewel that I think is ...
I guess I'm in such a jap.
There is one jewel that I think is stunning. That I...
It's just like a classic. By jap I mean Japanese.
But it's a... It's just gorgeous. You know.
And it's really... Its rare.
You know it's only found like on the tip of
the tailbone of Ethiopian babies.
They debone the babies.
I know that sounds so bad
when you say it out aloud.
But no, if you saw it...
So worth it.
You know it's like...
How do I even describe it like a... if a diamond had
that newborn baby smell.
I have a moral issue with it obviously cause they're
treating the unions that debone the babies really bad.
Pick your battles I guess. It's so cute.
I can't wait till Sunday I'm gonna see my
favorite niece and my other niece.
I shouldn't have favorites, I know I shouldn't but I just
can't help that she is crazy about me and I just love that in people.
And I can make her laugh so easily. I've always been able
to make her laugh. Like literally since she was a baby.
I could make her laugh, which is so great.
And you know what babies love.
Ethnic jokes.
She came out of the closet
recently, my niece.
Announced to the family that she is a lesbian.
She is seven. Did I mention that?
And I don't even know she knows what a
lesbian is. But I support her completely.
I'll tell you it's heartbreaking.
My sister punished her for it.
Can you believe that?
No pussy for a week.
Which to us may not sound likable, but when you're seven.
You know, week is a long time. You know. It's like...
She goes to a school where the kids are not
allowed to play tag on the playground.
And the reason that they give is that they say, you know,
if a kid loses a tag it could give him low self-esteem.
First of all it's fucking retarded. Okay.
And, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't say that.
And by retarded I mean,
they can do anything.
I think self-esteem is born out of things like,
you know, I don't know preserving pasts...
...losing, you know, or getting through disappointment. Like that.
Maybe we should be giving these kids a reason to win.
We should be giving them motivation.... know, to win.
I tell my niece every time she
loses a tag an angel get AIDS.
For instance.
You have to speak her language.
You know what I mean.
I tell her, you know, that a beautiful angel...
...gets full blown-ins.
And you know what, she wins.
So think about that.
I tell her that when God gives you AIDS...
When God does give you
AIDS by the way? I don't know.
Make lemonades.
It's called, it's positive spin. You know.
I mean it's...
That's what we should steal
from corporate America, you know.
That's what we should steal, one positive
thing we should take from the man, you know.
Is positive spin. The whole idea of taking something terrible,
something tragic and spin it up into something good.
And if American Airlines were smart their slogan would be:
"American Airlines - first through the towers."
Because it is something in which
they came firsts. Right?
Obviously I'm not trying to be literal
of the events of the September 11.
They were devastating. And
they were beyond devastating.
You know, I dont wanna say especially for
these people or especially for these people.
But especially for me.
Because it happened to be the same exact day that
found out that the soy cholate is like 900 calories.
I had been drinking them everyday.
Cause you hear soy.
You know you think healthy.
And it's a lie.
But it was also the day we were attacked.
Remember the rage, you know. And then
there is no place to put it. Where do you put it?
I'll tell you what I did
- domain names.
I bought,,
And who's he gotta come to, big ass.
Guess what, it's not for sale.
Looks like you're gonna have to be Osama 1.
And then who is laughing last - America.
America is.
Was a tough year for me, I actually... it was the
same year I suit my manager for sexual harassment.
which, I don't know if you know anything
about show business, but something that...
...boy, you know for a struggling actress to
suit her manager out here in Hollywood
It's something that ...
It takes a lot of guts to do. You know.
Especially because he didn't do anything.
We were in Scotland for a tress camp.
The whole agency went.
Oh Jesus!
- That's horrible. What happened?
- What the fuck is this, Karl?
You got fire.
Wochie water.
I'm fucking jam this up somebody's ass.
I mean come on Sarah.
You asked for it.
I asked you for use your jam up your own ass, Karl.
Would you ask me for it?
Fidgy water! I only drink Fidgy water
Did you ask for Fidgy water?
Cause I'll...
Okay, now I'm mad.
Now you got me mad.
I don't drink this water.
It tastes thick.
Listen to me. I would break down
walls for you okay?
I will go into my guy's office and I will personally,
you know, masturbate him into a cup for you.
Is that what you want?
What do you want me to do?
You wanna me go liposuction Herbie Weinstein...
...and give you some of his fat?
What is it you dream of?
I wanna be a part of a Sarah's dream.
I want you to take your dreams and
I want you to use me as a tool.
And I want you to carve your
dreams out of wood, real wood.
And then I want you to...
...deepen in what you lack.
So they never change.
Never change.
What did the agency
send you for the show?
I told them to send you a gift.
Cheese in sausage platter.
Cheese in sausage?
I wanna take this.
I have an early morning meeting.
Best part of a strawberry.
Best part.
Are you ready to do the show?
No I'm not ready to do the show, because
I can't even lubricate my fuck damn throat.
- You know what.
- I'm gonna call...
I'm gonna call Gogie Water and
I'm gonna get mad at myself.
I'll get my phone number.
I wish I had my cell.
No, you know what, Karl. Forget it.
Right. You just have my
fucking understudy do it.
You're up for a show?
Get out there and knock them dead, alright?
This is so gay. I just promised myself that I'm...
..totally should stop the show for a second...
But I just promised myself that I would...
...dedicate this performance to my nana.
Who although this mean I'll be your cup of tea specifically.
But she was very supportive of me.
And we were very close.
And she passed away a year ago.
This is for you nana.
I'm sorry.
She was ninety-six so obviously
I suspect fowl play.
I am spending my own money and
I'm getting her body exhumed.
And I am going to get a
full rape exam performed.
And I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
And my parents are not behind me.
What else is new?
They never are.
They don't believe in me.
So they're wrong this time.
That sucks for them.
Oh God please let them find semen in
my dead grandmother's vagina.
My shit and I'm sorry
and that belongs offstage.
"Can you blow your old nose,
can you tie your own shoe?"
"If you had go grey once would
you even know what to do?"
"When you make the duty is it in your pants?"
"Or trousers as they suddenly damp?"
"Are you mad because your grandson is gay?"
"Is it a bummer that your pubes are all grey?"
"When you clear your throat
is it really disgusting?"
"Does it go on for hours and miles?"
"You're gonna die soon,
you're gonna die soon."
"It's not cold in here you're just dying."
"You're gonna die soon,
you're gonna die soon."
"You in the back, you are dying soon."
"You're gonna die soon,
you're gonna die soon."
"We're all gonna die but
not as soon as you, guys."
"You're gonna die, you're gonna die.
You're dying."
"Do you think I'm lazy?"
"That's hilarious."
"You're seen around,
dye your hair and take drugs."
"The more you shrink,
the bigger your mouth gets."
"It drives me crazy how you chew your vomits."
"You told me you hated my perve."
"I've been within you."
"Pick up your prescription.
I'm not your candyman. Bagabooms."
"You're gonna die soon,
you're gonna die. You're dying."
I'm just sensitive and my skin is peeper thin.
And people don't realize that
cause I'm sassy and I'm brassy.
But I am... I just...
You know I see care commercials with these
little kids with the giant bellies and the flies.
And these are one and two
year-old babies, you know.
Nine months pregnant.
It breaks my heart in two.
It breaks my heart in half.
And I don't give money cause I don't
want them to spend it on drugs.
I give.
You know I give.
You know, I mean I dispass summer sent
15 really fun sweaters to this village in Africa.
In really fun colors.
Expecting nothing by the way.
They called their money together,
whatever they call it.
And bought a stamp and sent
me a postcard, thanking me.
And it's a, you know, "Thank you".
That day we had enough sweaters for
every single member of the village to get one.
And that they were delicious.
I am working on an open
letter and it goes like this
'Guess what, Martin Luther King.
I had a fucking dream too.
I had a dream that I was in my living-room. It wasn't my
living room, but it was like play in my living room in the dream.
And I walk through to the backyard and
there's a pool and as I'm diving in there's a shark...
...coming up from the water with braces.'
So maybe you're no so fucking special.
Martin Looser King.
I wanna be the first comic ever
to shit on Martin Luther King.
People only talk about the good things.
They don't mention he was a litterbug.
He would lock...
He'd roll up all the windows and lock
them and fart in the car with the heat up.
Well his family suffered
and he would laugh.
I just think people
should know everything.
Before they give someone a day.
I'm a comic I've something to say.
That's the difference.
Learnmedy, that's what I call it.
When I was a...
When I was little I saw my father's
penis by accident and I just...
I wasn't scarred by now but I think it really
affected me just because I was so young.
You know. And so drunk.
I did...
This is fucked up.
When I was in high school I went out with my
father's best friend and that's embarrassing, you know.
My father having a fourteen
year old best friend.
It's like the way you treat your kids. You know the
way you raise them it forms everything they become.
All the hang-ups or
whatever they had.
I went to get some water, I went to liquor
store down the street to get some water.
Some delicious Fidgy water actually.
Which for some reason just tastes better.
And as I'm walking in. There's a
man standing outside of the door.
Leutering outside the door. And as
I walk by he goes 'I want pussy'.
First of all I'm not considered or
anything I just... But he, you know...
He was talking to me.
He definitely was talking to me
and he was like 'I want pussy'.
I think it was more like 'I want pussy'.
I can't do these accents.
The point is I had every reason to be offended, to be
angry, you know, or whatever, but I felt sorry for him.
It made me sad, because
he was so obvious to me.
That this is the person who grew up, who was a child you know,
whose mother and father probably never gave him any pussy.
You got to think before you judge people.
There's the point. Because it's a cycle.
I have a joke to that part but. Anyway.
The point I'm trying to say is
that kids need role models.
They need adults in their lives that they can mold their own lives after.
Otherwise they gonna grow up and they're gonna be fucked up.
Look at strippers.
Right? Strippers should be
role models for little girls.
If only for the fact that
they wax their assholes.
I don't have the guts.
And I don't think a lot of you do either.
You excluded, sir.
They deserve the purple heart
for that, the purple asshole.
I have never... I mean the closest I've ever come to
waxing my asshole is once I got it washed and styled.
They say, you know, strippers,
they end up being in porn.
It's like a gateway job to porn.
I don't know.
What you gonna do?
I'd never do it. And I could if
I wanted to up in approached.
Or if I did it would be purely,
you know, for political reasons...
...because I do not think there are enough
Jewish women represented in porn.
Fuck my tokus!
I'm a bad Jew.
I'm a dirty Jew.
Fucking dirty Jew.
Fuck my fucking tokus.
We have fun.
Can I steal you?
People think Jewish women aren't sexy.
That's such a bullshit, you know.
Put on a sexy neglige.
I have a long neck, that's probably one of my best
features. Out of many good features. But it's...
I've a very swan-like neck.
And my neck is actually six inches long,
completely flaccid.
I am cheating. I'm measuring
from the base of my balls.
I was watching a porn and it was like series of vignettes and this one
scene featured Ron Jeremy, very famous pornographic lesbian.
And he, in the scene he's
masturbating on to a lady.
But I noticed that his pinky was out.
And found out why he does that. I found out why he
masturbates with his pinky out. It's because he's classy.
I'd like to sing a song.
If I may. With your permission.
This is a song dedicated to all the porn
actors and porn actresses out there..
I know that my guitar is Steve.
Did porn for a wile, gay porn.
Ladies it was work, it was a job.
Trust me, but...
I was in gafro.
You got gafroed all over your face.
But seriously, let's take it down a second.
Jennifer, can we take it down,
get some mood light in here?
Wow, sexy. Sexy lighting.
This is a song... Is there anything on me at all?
"You give yourself to all lovers."
"Sharing all your liquidness."
"Temporary happiness."
"It's you."
"There's a hole in your butt.
Where the duty comes out."
"There's a hole in your butt
where the penis goes in."
"Your vagina had so many penises in, that you might
as well talk about the times they were not in it."
"Just roll on the times
that are more unique."
"Do you ever take drugs so that
you can have sex without crying?"
"Do you ever take drugs so that
you can have sex without crying?"
"There's a dream in your head that will never come true.
There's a sticking this all over and it didn't come from you."
"You wish your dad had been there but more often times he was not.
You can't put your arms around the dirty gang-bang cumshot."
"But that's all you get."
"That's all you get."
"Do you ever take drugs so that
you can have sex without crying?"
"Do you ever take drugs so that
you can have sex without crying?"
"There's a hole in your heart where the sorrow poures out.
There's a hole in your heart where ambivalence sets in."
"All the penises in the country."
"All the penises in the world."
"All the penises in the galaxy."
"Want your hard hole"
Thank you.
Thank you for this Silverman.
You know who has a tiny vagina?
Not Klaus Barbie.
The anthem is Nazi.
Nazis are assholoes.
And I'll be the first one to say it.
Some edgy.
Nazis are motherfucking
asshole wipes, dicks.
They cute when theyre little. I will get that.
You're so cute. Why can they be so small?
I always know when its Hitler's birthday.
Cause they announced it on Entertainment Tonight.
Right before they got a commercial,
you see like a silhouette.
And then they say, you know,"This man is
responsible for the deaths of six million Jews."
Is it Ted Danson?
Patrick Doughy?
My niece is... my lesbian niece, they all families for
a Julian. She goes to hebrew school and loves it.
And she called me up and she's like, you know
"Aunt Sarah, did you know that Hitler killed sixty million Jews?"
And I corrected her and said you know,
I think he is responsible for killing six million Jews.
And she said "Oh yes, six million, I knew that
but seriously, I mean what's the difference?"
The difference is sixty million
is unforgivable, young lady.
Kids, you know.
Try to figure them out.
I can't. Who could?
My nana was a survivor of the Holocaust.
I'm sorry, alleged Holocaust.
And he had the tattoo, you know, the number and thank
God she was at one of the better concentration camps.
She had a vanity number,
it's said a... "Bedazzled."
Just kind of fun.
You know I don't understand the...
... Jewish people who
drive German cars.
It's so...
It's not a secret. that companies like Mercedes and
BMW and you know, Hitler commissioned Volkswagen.
These are companies that
built cars for the Nazi war affair.
Jewish people who drive German cars it's so gay.
It's just gay.
And on the other side of the thing there's companies,
you know, there's Mercedes, companies like that who...
Boy, you know, if they could have only had the foresight,
if they only could have seen into the future.
The kind of business, you know, the amount of
money they'd be making from Jewish consumers.
I don't know, maybe they'd help not
killed the Jews. But, you know...
Instead they helped, facilitated genocide of a people
who would ultimately become their best customers.
Any Jew will tell you it's just
bad business, you know.
And now I feel preachy. But I just ...
I really believe this to be true.
I believe that if black people were in Germany during World War 2,
that the Holocaust would have never happened. I do, you know.
Or not to Jews.
I got in trouble for saying the word 'chink' on
a talk show. On the network talk show.
It was in the context of a joke, you know.
Obviously that would be weird.
I'd be like a really bad career choice.
But nevertheless the president of an Asian-American watched
our group out here in Los Angeles. His name is Guy Ayoki.
And he was up in arms about it. And he put
my name in all the papers, calling me a racist.
And it hurts. I mean as a Jew, as a
member of the Jewish community...
...I was really concerned that
we're loosing control of the media.
I'm right. I mean like what kind of world do we live in, where
a totally cute white girl can't say chink on network television?
It's like the 50's.
It's scary.
There are only two Asian people that I
know that I have any problem with, at all.
One is Guy Ayoki, the other is my friend
Steve who actually went pee-pee in my coke.
He's all 'Me Chinese, me play joke'
If you have to explain it,
Steve, it's not funny.
It's not funny.
We have to break it down.
You have to be able
to laugh at yourself. So...
It's what I tell Asian people all the time.
They don't listen.
Midgets. You know the politically correct
word for 'midget' is 'little person'.
Which just tickles me because it's like the only politically correct
word that actually more insulting than the original one.
Midgets don't like being called 'little people'.
They much prefer 'Yes you are!'
Thank you for laughing at that.
I appreciate it.
I always feel crappy when I do that joke.
It gets such a good laugh.
I just feel like. What did midgets ever do?
You know as a people to deserve to be marked.
Theyre human beings born extra crazy small.
I don't think like anybody here thinks
we should make fun of midgets.
But we do anyway.
I think it's because...
I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets.
We're not afraid of them.
That's what it always boils down to,
cross the board.
I mean, I had a joke with the word
'nigger' in it, that I thought was so edgy.
And so hip.
I was doing it all over town at comedy
clubs and I was at one this one club...
...doing my show and I look in a front
row and a whole front table is black people.
Or African American people.
And you know what?
He was half and half.
I'm pretty sure.
But the point is I didn't do the joke.
And you get ask yourself, is that an
edgy joke or is that the racist joke?
I didn't do it cause I was afraid of them.
I didn't.
And I ended up changing that joke to chinks.
So you live and you learn
and hopefully you grow.
I was going... I was about to go on a talk show and talk about that whole
kind of idea how we make fun of people that we're not afraid of.
But we refrain from making fun
of people we... that scare us.
And I was about to go on and a segment
producer came over to me and he said.
You know, instead of
niggers say the N word.
And I said, great, what do you want me to
say for chink? And he said 'Say chink.'
I'd like to sing a song for you now.
It's twisted.
A love song.
Oh shit.
I did that on rehearsal too, I forgot and the guy,
one of the guys working in a back said 'Plug it in'.
And I said "Yeah, we will fucking rip it up".
Plug it in.
One, two, three, four.
"I love you more than bears love honey."
"I love you more than Jews love money."
"I love you more than Asians are good at math."
"I love you even if it's not hip."
"I love you more than black people don't tip."
"I love you more than Puerto Ricans need baths."
"I love you more than girls love dolls."
"I love you more than dogs love balls."
"I love you more than the white stuff in us it."
"I love you like Gary Busey."
"I love you more than Dikes love pussy."
"I love you more than my
after show monster bone heap."
"Jewish people driving German cars."
"Jewie people buying German cars."
"What the cock is that shit?"
"But maybe it's like take back for night."
"Maybe it's like a bleeding hearts
grow old and swing to the right."
"Maybe it's like when a faggot
calls himself a faggot."
"Jewish people driving German cars."
"It's the opposite of foo-boo."
"But maybe it's Patty Herst siding with her kidnappers, maybe it's
like African miner killing diamond-bering gangster robbers."
"Maybe it's like when blackeyes
calls each other niggers."
My friend Ryan Lynch came for me tonight. We got drunk and...
he got drunk I don't drink, but I think I... something happened.
I dared him to deep his balls into
his drink for a dollar, for a second.
And would not do it.
I just thought it'd be funny if he like,
I don't know, play... like pleate them in.
He wouldn't do it. I just think it's interesting,
like I know exactly why he wouldn't do it.
And this is interesting. He wouldn't do it because
he knew if he put them in his drink and they floated...
...we would know that his balls are bewitched.
And I just... love that, you know.
I love like getting into the psychology of people.
I did not lose my virginity until was 26.
And that's true.
19 vaginally.
But 26, you know, what my
boyfriend calls the 'real way'.
You know what, that's a fucking
disgusting joke. And I don't do that.
That's a fictional.
That's a joke, I mean I don't...
That's fucking nasty. And I don't...
My asshole is...
It's totally for decoration.
It's like an appendix.
I tell people that I was shocked.
I am...
And my friend Mike was... he was like on last night
'Oh, you know, it's not disgusting, it's natural.'
It's like trying to sell me on it being natural.
First of all duty comes out of there, okay.
And second of all fucking
duty comes out of here.
I don't need two reasons
when duties involved.
I'm like going off and then remember
as I'm talking that Mike is gay.
And I now have to backpedal and say like 'no,
your asshole is like your vagina. That's totally cool'.
I think on my figs, I'm a comedian.
And he took me to the gay march this year and it was blast,
I haven't been there before. And it's so fun and it's just crazy.
I just don't want... like I don't wanna
be labeled as straight or labbled as gay.
I just want people to look at me and see me.
You know that's white.
I can say that, by the way, cause I used
to go out with a guy who was half black.
Who totally broke up with me.
Cause I'm a fucking loser.
I just heard myself say that.
I'm such a pessimist.
It was a worst attitude. He's a half-white.
And he totally broke up with me.
And it's funny now, like what is it? King size 20-20 or whatever.
Like I know it so obvious to me now why he broke up with me.
Cause he has so fucking low self esteem.
And I can't compete with that, like everybody knows somebody
who... it's like anything you say to them they gonna take it.
They gonna hear it in the most negative way.
You know what I mean.
And he was like. You could give him...
Like I gave him a compliment, alright. I told him he probably
would have made like a really expensive slave.
Like in the olden time days.
Not now.
What does he do? Right. It goes through the roobe gold
berg, you know craziest straw of his low self esteem.
And it hit his ear and he
heard something. Fucked up.
I can't control that.
Like I can't control what he hears.
He has to learn how to love himself.
Before I can stop hating his people.
As a people.
I don't care if you think I'm racist.
I just want you to think I'm thin.
I do talk a little bit about race.
The important thing its like the...
Like if I based my material on stereotypes.
That would be messed up. It would.
But I don't. Okay. I base it on facts.
Fact the SAT test, the test that basically
decides whether you go to college or not.
Is called truly byest towards Caucasians.
That's a fact. Okay, I heard that somewhere.
It the year 2004 women still get paid 70 cents
to every dollar a men gets paid. And that's a fact.
Okay. Fact, every 30 seconds in this country a person of color jumps
up and down and waves their arms behind a local news reporter.
I went out with the Mexican man. Do racist people
go out with Mexican men? I don't think so.
No, they're filthy.
It's so hard like... I feel about like it's jokes. You know like
this woman came up to me last night a she was Mexican and...
...she was so irate, you know she was so angry. And ahe came
up to me ad she said 'You know I'm Mexican and I don't stink'
And it's just broke my heart. Like I had to
explain to her like you can't smell yourself.
Thanks a lot.
Thank you so much. And we would
love to, and I mean the royal We,
leave you with a song.
Something inspirational to live with.
Amazing grace.
"Amazing grace how sweet it sounds.
That save the rash like me."
"I once was lost but now I'm found.
Was blind but now I see."
"It was grace that taught my heart to fear.
And grace my fears relieved."
"A precious day that grace appeared
the hour I first believed."
"Amazing grace, how sweet it sounds,
that save the rash like me."
"I once was lost but now
I'm found, was blind by now I..."
"Was blind by now I'm..."
"Blind by now I see."
"I say no good people turn their hips each
day so satisfied I'm on my way."
Good night!
Come in.
- Oh my God, you were so great.
- Thank you.
It was awesome.
It was amazing.
It's like all new material.
And rape, and AIDS and
Holocaust, just like you said.
I was so cool.
You must be so proud of yourself.
- It is so great.
- I am.
Wow, look at this, it's so pretty.
It's beautiful.
Oh my God what a spread.
Do you guys want something?
- I'm so hungry actually. I'm starving.
- Yeah I'm dying.
This is like my dinner.
I've got some Wochie water, delicious.
If you want.
Actually it's just the last one,
so just you can split it.
When do you drink a whole water?
I always leave it.
- Do you want some?
- No I'm good.
I can open.
This one is open.
Thanks for coming by.
And I'm sorry I just think I want...
... like me alone.
Oh yeah, of course.
- We all just, you know, we'll call you.
- Like now.
It's okay.
- We'll go get a drink.
- Great job.
We gonna get a drink and...
Have a good time.
It was awesome.
I know!
Bye Sarah.
Thank you.
You did it, kid.
Come over here,
I got a secret for you.
You're fucking amazing.
You are a star.
And I'm a star fucker.
I didn't get any sleep. I went to sleep at 1 in the morning.
I woke up at 3 in the morning. Because I was just excited.
I made myself stay in bed,
but it was like this in bed.
What are you gonna do?
Maybe I'll take a nap. You know.
When I'm dead. Alright?
Fuck yeah!
What is that noise,
It's a child laughing.
It's really hard, guys. Seriously don't go into acting,
cause it's totally like harder work than you think.
You know what? It just like.. I just...
It helps me realize I'm alive.
Going out with the guy
who drives German car.
And I'm looking for a Yin to my Yang.
Looking for a Yin to my Yang.
He hates women too and I love it.
So fuck you.
A bird shit on me.
A day before yesterday.
Do you feel lucky?
I felt lucky.
Yeah. I was like...
I imagine the birds, they lay eggs and they're like
'Oh my God, I can't believe it came out of my pussy'.
My name is Laura Silverman
I'm actually Sarah's sister.
In real life.
And I'm playing her friend
which I'm not in real life.
And I'm Brian Posehn, her friend.
And I'm actually playing her sister.
Hey guys.
-Hey. We're doing a little...
- Hi Sarah.
Feature out.
In the scene we sink in.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
We just doing joke...
So how is it working with Sarah?
It's horrib... great.
It's if you really-really into Sarah it's great.
Because Jews into Sarah.
So we have a common interest.
Three of the actors just died from that.
I'm 1 year and 1 month pregnant I'm 13
months pregnant, I just found out.
That's what Steve calls
his wife - the Cuntintsky.
I'm not married.
Fuck you.
Alright you're good there.
Okay guys.
I came in here to have gas.
Like Marla Thomas that just walked in on her father
under a coffee table with girl take mission on it.
What's f....
What's funny?
I would love to know what's funny?
You guys better go.
Thanks a lot.
Fuck. Fucking take it!
The best time to get pregnant
is when you're a black teenager.
Nazis are assholoes.
But that's totally not true because
they're cute when they're little.