School for Scoundrels (2006) Movie Script
d d
d When I wake up
in the morning, love d
d And the sunlight hurts
my eyes d
d And something
without warning, love d
d Bears heavy on my mind d
d Then I look at you d
d And the world's all right
with me d
d Just one look at you d
d And I know it's gonna be d
- d A lovely day... d
- d Lovely, day, lovely day d
d Lovely day, lovely day,
lovely day d
d Lovely day, lovely day d
d Lovely day d
- d A lovely day... d
- d Lovely day, lovely day d
d Lovely day d
d Lovely day, lovely day,
lovely day d
d Lovely day, lovely day d
d When the day that lies
ahead of me d
d Seems impossible to face d
d When someone else
instead of me d
d Always seems to know the way d
d Then I look at you d
d And the world's all right
with me d
d Just one look at you d
d And I know it's gonna be... d
Wait, man.
Hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey!
Put the clipboard
down, Serpico.
He's just getting
ready to move that, man.
Oh. Okay, great.
If you could just move it,
that'd be great.
Cool, man, no problem.
Damn, came out
of nowhere.
City make you
wear them shorts?
Yeah, these are regulation-
we have to wear 'em
till December 1.
Between those shorts and
that little-ass truck,
the shit's humiliating, man.
It's a living, right?
Man, I'm glad
I seen you when I did.
I can't afford
another ticket.
Ooh, actually, you know,
it's already been processed.
Whatcha talking about?
Well, this clipboard's
a computer.
You see, once I push "send,"
it goes straight to Albany.
It's in the system.
Well, un-send
it, then.
You can't un-send it;
it's too late.
You're not listening.
Now, I'm telling you,
take my shit
out the system,
meter maid.
Uh, guys, please...
- I have to get going...
- Get going?!
Where the hell
you think you're going?
You slam the door on me?
Hey, boy, get your ass
out of that box!
I'll start kicking
your ass, boy. What...
Hey, where you going?
Get away.
Turtle One to base,
Turtle One to base, come in.
Hello?
Hey, hey, hey! Hey!
Look at him.
- Don't make me use it, man.
- Use it.
Don't hesitate!
Shoot his ass!
Yo, man!
Man, what the
hell happened?
Shit, Lloyd, you hit him.
No, I don't think so.
It must have been
a ricochet.
Hello!
Hello!
Were you hit by a ricochet?
Little ticket man!
Blink twice
if you can hear me!
Man, he ain't hit nowhere.
He's faking, man.
He just fainted.
Aw, man, you okay?
Yes.
I'm sorry, I just...
I get these panic attacks
sometimes, that's all.
Damn!
You can't do this
to me, man. Huh?
I get nervous, you had
my heart going all fast.
- I-I'm sorry, really.
- Yeah.
You know, just... here, let me
pay for your ticket, okay?
Yeah, that's more like it.
Here you go, that's $80-
that should cover it.
I- I mean,
$80 is nice, dude,
it's sweet, but what about
all the mental distress
I just went through?
You got something for that?
Yeah.
What else you got?
Could someone explain to me
how one
of my parking enforcement agents
manages to lose his badge,
his uniform
and his standard-issue
New Balance sneakers.
What could I do, Sarge?
They took everything.
I'm sorry.
I... I was reading through
my employee benefits,
and it says
I'm entitled to meet
with a government counselor.
I'd like to meet
with a counselor.
You're looking at him.
What do you mean?
I'm the assigned counselor
for District 240.
I figure, hey, why not take
the bump on the paycheck.
Besides, I'm redoing
my kitchen.
Oh, um...
Don't worry.
I took the quiz.
I'm certified.
Well...
I feel very, um,
- alone.
- Uh-huh.
And sometimes I get
these panic attacks where I...
Oh, oh.
Hold that. That's good.
Sweetie.
You wouldn't believe
what I'm doing right now.
I'm counseling.
For real!
Yo, Sarge,
check it out, man.
I heard we got a new
dress code around here.
How do I look?
How do I look?!
You look good!
I like that!
- Come on, come on, Rog, let's...
- Look at this guy!
You are a good dancer, bud!
Yeah!
Where are my pants?
Where's my shoes at?
d d
d d
Hi, Roger.
Hey.
So... so, you guys
gonna play some
tennis or something?
Yeah.
Wow, what gave it away?
You should work
for Homeland Security.
Becky.
So, um... I read that letter
that you posted
to the building manager.
Oh, you did?
Yeah. I thought it was great.
Oh, well, thanks.
I mean, really well written.
Aren't you getting your master's
in English?
Yep, I am.
Wow. Looks like you're
well on your way.
Congrats.
Thanks.
Casanova's really pulling
out all the stops today.
Seriously, where should
I throw my panties?
I'm sorry, Roger.
Becky thinks that any guy
that even talks to a girl
- has to be a stalker.
- I don't.
I just think he is.
Aren't you, Roger?
Uh, excuse me.
Where are you going?
This is the
third floor.
Oh, yeah, I know,
but I was...
I forgot something
upstairs.
You guys have a great day.
Hey, Ian.
Oh, hey, Rog.
How you doing?
I'm okay.
Have you seen Wally around?
We're learning
the backstroke today.
Uh... you know what,
you might come on in.
I want to talk to you
about Wally for a second.
What's wrong?
Nothing. Just...
it'll take a sec.
Is everything okay?
Huh? Uh, yeah, yeah.
He's-he's-he's fine,
he's fine. Uh...
Thing is...
he wants a new
big brother.
What?!
You know, I'm sure
he just wants
to play the field
a little.
You know, see what
else is out there.
You know how kids are.
Wow.
Can I at least
talk to him?
Roger, the kid is nine
years old, all right?
His dad just got shot
in the heart, all right?
Don't you think he's
been through enough?
Okay. Well...
are there any other kids?
No. No, man.
This is the third time
this has happened.
I mean, maybe it's time to
stop chasing rainbows, buddy.
All right. Okay.
- Sorry, man.
- No.
Take it easy.
Oh, sorry.
You have to take
your hand off.
Okay, go. Take it. No.
Take your hand off.
Roger, just stand away
for one second.
Okay, the buzzer...
G- Go now.
d d
Hey, Roger!
Hold up, man.
Listen, I know...
Are you... crying?
I'm sorry.
It's not just Wally,
it's... everything.
- He's crying.
- Mac!
It's all right, man,
it's... it's okay, it's...
Uh, yeah. Shh.
All right, man.
Listen...
Okay. Listen.
Listen, man.
I know this guy,
all right?
And he, uh...
he runs this thing.
I think it'd be
a big help for you.
What do you mean?
What kind of thing?
Look, here, just call
this number, all right?
But you didn't
get it from me.
I don't understand.
Look, Roger, I...
I used to be like...
you, you know?
But look at me now, man.
I run this entire place.
I'm dating two
different Asian chicks.
You want things to change?
Call the number and
follow the instructions.
I got to go.
Call it... or burn it.
Hey, Perkins, what the
fuck did I tell you?
Get inside and
get your pudding.
MAN
Hello.
Hi, I'm calling about...
For new student registration,
please press one.
I- Is this a recording?
Just press it.
Hello?
Just press the damn button,
you asshole.
Uh, I think I have
the wrong number. Sorry.
Hello?
Congratulations, you're
already my worst student.
Who gave you this number?
Uh, I have to go.
Hey, relax.
I'm here to help, okay?
Now, who gave you the number?
His name is Ian Winsky.
Do you always rat out
your friends that quickly?
- That says a lot about you.
- I wasn't ratting out...
Would you not interrupt
me for five seconds?
Open your goddamned ears.
I'm sorry.
We got a new class
starting this Tuesday.
Registration is $5,000,
cash only,
in a plain manila envelope.
Be at the Learning Annex
at 8:00 p. m.
Don't be early, but be on time.
d d
d d
Wait. Wait.
Hold the elevator!
Hold the elev...
Thanks a lot.
You guys going to 402?
Yeah.
Oh, no way!
Me, too!
Name's Walsh.
Nice to meet y...
No talking.
Listen up, 'cause I will not
be repeating this again.
When entering
this building,
you will talk or
speak to no one.
If some asshole wants to talk about his
goddamn French test,
you tell him to fuck
off, understood?
- Understood?
- Yeah. -Yes.
Envelopes.
Manila.
Dr. P specifically
said manila.
This is off-white.
Sorry.
Sorry doesn't
make it manila.
Next time, use
your damn brain.
End of the hall.
What's going on?
I don't know.
Who is this guy?
I hope he's not
our teacher.
Hey, no chitchat!
Oh. Here, sorry.
No, don't be silly-
it's all yours.
I'm fine.
I could totally stand.
Don't be crazy, okay?
I could use the exercise.
I'll find...
Would one of you sit
in the goddamn chair?
Look at the two of you.
I mean, uh, "I could
use the exercise"?
That doesn't even
make any sense.
Sorry.
Well, congratulations.
In a room full of weak men,
you stand alone as the weakest.
Here, sit in my chair.
Come on, sit.
Tell me something-
are you a loser?
I asked you a question-
are... you... a... loser?
Um... yes?
No.
You see, a loser is someone
who tries but fails,
who shoots but misses.
But I got a suspicion
that you don't take
any shots.
Show of hands.
How many of you retards
own a self-help book?
Well, that's your first problem.
You can't help yourself
because yourself sucks.
If you're helping yourself,
that means you're being helped
by a complete asshole.
So ignore yourself.
Do what I say instead.
Short sleeves,
what was the first thing
you did when you were born?
I- I don't know.
Anybody?
You screamed your asses off
for what you wanted.
And what did you want?
Okay.
The tit.
You wanted a tit,
and you got the tit.
Trouble is, I don't see anyone
in this room who's willing
to scream for anything anymore.
I want the tit!
Well, see? That's better.
That's what I'm talking about.
I like this guy.
Yeah, he seems kind of sweet.
Excuse me, um, s-sir?
Dr. P.
What exactly does
this class teach?
What?
Well, my friend
seemed to imply
that this was more of
a confidence-building...
This is not a goddamn
Tony Robbins seminar.
If you're looking
for Chicken Soup for the Soul,
just get the fuck
out of here.
Um, I'm sorry.
Never be sorry.
Oh. I'm sorry.
I mean...
I mean, um...
Never mind.
I have a question.
Uh, my wife says I'm a pushover,
but what if deep down inside
I'm really just a nice guy?
Fuck nice.
That's a bunch of dog shit.
That's it for today.
I'm sick of looking
at your faces.
Excuse me, um,
will every class run
five minutes and 25...
Wait, please. That...
contains very important mat...
Goodness.
d d
d d
Be a good boy.
All right, I'll be
back in a little bit.
Great. Bye.
Geez, you scared me, Roger.
I'm sorry.
What are you doing,
just hanging out in here?
No, I'm... I was
throwing some stuff out.
I heard someone
coming and...
Penguins, huh? Hmm.
I always saw you more as
a flannel pj's kind of guy.
I have those, too.
I'm kidding.
I know.
But I do have 'em.
Anyway, I, uh, have
to go to work, so...
- Hey, Amanda?
- Yeah?
Can I ask you something?
- Yeah, no worries. What is it?
- Um...
Oh, yeah. Uh, I saw
this awesome documentary
on TV the other night.
It was all about Australia-
you would have loved it.
No way.
Very cool country.
I wish I was from there.
That's nice.
Um...
Yeah.
Was there something else?
Uh... no. I...
Was there something else
you had...
No, you just...
you said-said...
Anyways, uh,
I'll try and get you
a tape of that
documentary. Um...
Great. Yeah.
I have to go, so thanks.
Uh...
Oh, yeah.
Come on, Roger.
I mean, you got to give it
some time at least.
I'm telling you,
this class is going to be
the best thing
you've ever done.
I just don't get it.
I mean, is he for real?
Yeah, he's for real.
He's very real.
Hey, read the sign:
"No eating in the pool. "
Jesus.
Look, I know it seems
weird at first, okay?
I get it, you know?
But you just got
to keep an open mind.
I tried, but I'm not even
sure I understand
what he's teaching,
you know?
Look, I'll make it
real simple for you.
He's teaching you whatever
it is you need to learn.
I don't know.
Maybe this class
just isn't for me.
Oh, Roger.
Look, honestly?
I felt the same way
when I started,
but then, I took a good long,
hard look in the mirror,
and you know what?
I didn't like what I saw.
What's he doing here?
I came to talk to Ian,
Wally, not you.
Don't make this weird, Roger.
It's over between us;
I've moved on.
Well, I've also moved on.
I mean, no offense, but...
my life's been, like, ten times
better ever since you left.
At least.
Yeah, right.
Whatever.
Get over it, asshole.
I am over it!
Loser.
I hate him.
Wow.
Roger, seriously.
If I were you...
I'd stay in the class.
You need it.
What does it take to be
king of the jungle?
Do you have to be the fastest?
Or the strongest?
No.
Because do you know what the
lion's most powerful weapon is?
It's his roar.
It's that roar
that enables the lion
to take what is rightfully his.
Diego, stop scratching
your nuts.
Sorry.
It's time you guys
got your shit together.
I want to see
some goddamn lions!
You see that?
You think a lion asks
for his dinner?
He takes it!
What does he do?
Let me hear you say it.
He takes it.
- Louder!
- He takes it!
Do you think a lion
asks for a promotion?
He takes it!
Does a lion wait
for approval?
He takes it!
Right now, none of
you are worth shit,
but starting tonight,
we're going to shed our skin
and become something
entirely new.
Forget your past lives,
gentlemen.
From this point on,
you're all lions.
Your next class
is to begin at any place,
at any time,
so be ready.
I'm not done.
This...
is a beeper.
You will each be given one.
When your beeper goes off,
you will initiate
a confrontation immediately.
If you fail
to follow these simple orders,
you will be expelled,
with no refund.
What?
How will you even know
if we follow the orders?
Yeah. What are we, under
surveillance or something?
Yeah.
Yes.
Now, get the hell
out of here.
The kid's like, 16,
17 years old, you know.
Tap on the window.
"Officer, Officer, please,
"please, if I get
one more ticket,
my dad's gonna kill me,
all right?"
I say to him,
"Kid, please, if I don't
give you this ticket,
I ain't gonna make my quota. "
And he's...
He was mad.
What is he, a pimp now?
Give me a dollar;
I want a Danish.
You know what?
I'll take that.
No, whoa, whoa, Roger.
What the hell
are you doing?
I always get
the last Danish.
You know how it works.
Well, too bad.
I'm hungry.
Roger...
I will kill you.
Give me back my
cherry Danish.
Hey, is that the
new Star magazine?
Thanks.
It's supposed to be
a great issue.
What, did you forget to take
your medication this morning?
No, Zack.
You know what?
I have a little something
called pride.
Remember that.
Ooh...
Who gets the last
cherry Danish?!
Zack does!
Zack what?!
Zack gets the last
cherry Danish!
Yeah, that's right!
Yo, that's what
I'm talking about!
d You got a reaction,
didn't you? d
d You took a white orchid... d
Evening,
Mr. Schultz.
Time for dinner,
all right?
d Something better than nothing
is giving up d
d We all need to do something d
d Try to keep the truth
from showing up d
d How dare you d
Give me that.
d How old are you now, anyway? d
Hey, keep it down, huh?
I'm trying to read the paper.
What'd you just
say, homey?
How would you like
to die, man?
No, uh...
how would you like to die?
What?!
Hey, come on, man.
What the hell
is he doing?
Honey... honey, I...
d You took a white orchid... d
Hey!
This is not cool.
Why would he bring us
all the way out here?
All I know is, last night,
I tried getting tough
with my roommate.
He kicked me out.
I had to sleep in a Kinko's.
Yeah, well, I stood up
to a guy at my work,
and he gave me
a swirly.
Hey, no way.
I got a swirly, too.
Hey, I'm-I'm sorry.
What exactly
is a swirly?
It's when someone dunks
your head in the toilet
and then flushes it
on your face.
Totally rocks your world,
but not in the good way.
Oh.
I received one
of those as well.
"I'd like to move out
of my mother's basement
and up into the main house. "
Wow, you're shooting for
the stars, aren't you, Walsh?
"My goal is to make
another $3,000 a year. "
Well, let me tell you
something, Ernie.
This class is five grand-
you're already behind.
"I want my wife
to stop abusing me. "
Jesus Christ, Diego,
you got to be shitting me.
I thought those questionnaires
are supposed to be confidential.
News flash:
I lie.
Now, in those bags
are 15 semiautomatic
high-powered paintball guns.
Pass them out.
You will
trust no one.
It is time to kill
or be killed.
Um, what are
the teams?
There are no teams- it's
every man for himself.
No helmets?
No helmets,
no goggles,
no nothing.
And if that's
not enough,
somewhere out there
in those woods,
Lesher's there,
just waiting.
It says here to maintain
a minimum distance
of 100 feet between
shooter and target, though.
Oh! My God!
Now, does anybody else
want to read
their gun?
Huh?
Uh, when do we start?
Now.
He already shot me!
Are you guys a
bunch of retards?
Spread out!
d d
d d
My eye!
Walsh!
- I'm sorry!
- My eye!
I'm so sorry!
It's okay! I'm here!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Are you okay?
Gotcha.
Never trust anyone.
I thought we
were friends.
You know what
Dr. P says:
"Friends are just obstacles
that stand between you
and success. "
Touch.
DIEGO:
Not so fast, gentlemen.
Looks like we got
ourselves a situation.
What are we gonna do?
Every man
for himself.
You know the rules.
Well, well, well.
What do we have here?
Looks like you three are
in a pickle, doesn't it?
Throw your weapons down.
Now!
Eyes off me!
Eeny, meeny,
miny, moe...
What you looking at, man?
Don't look at me.
Dude, this is not cool.
No talking.
Haven't you done
enough to us already?!
Oh, I don't know, ladies.
You know what?
It's gonna get a whole lot worse
before it gets any better-
understand that.
What more are you
planning to do to us?
Who knows?
I just tend to go
with the flow.
Let's just see where
things take us.
I tend to get very,
very creative in these
type of situations.
Hey, Lesher.
I shot Lesher!
Whoo!
d I used to be
such a sweet, sweet thing d
d Till they
got a hold of me d
d I opened doors
for little, old ladies d
d I helped the blind to see d
d No more Mr. Nice Guy... d
Roger!
Whoo!
Hey, Roger.
Roger!
Dr. P wants
to talk to you.
Alone.
You wanted to see me?
Congratulations.
You did well today.
I'm impressed.
Oh. Thank you.
Who knows?
Maybe one day, I'll
teach the class.
What was your name again?
Roger.
Right. Roger.
So tell me, Roger,
why did you sign up
for this class?
Well...
it's kind of
complicated.
What's her name?
Um... Amanda.
She lives in
my building.
What does she do?
Well, she's
Australian...
She works as an Australian?
No, uh...
Sorry, I'm kind
of nervous.
That's okay.
Relax. It's all right.
Um, she's a grad
student, and...
she volunteers at
an animal shelter.
Jesus, that's
an easy takedown.
You don't even need me.
It's a slam dunk.
Well, nothing's ever
a slam dunk for me.
Listen to me, Roger.
You did good today.
You became the hunter,
and you set
your sights on Lesher.
Now you have to set
your sights on her.
Roger, there are two types
of men in this world:
those who run shit,
like me,
and those who eat shit,
like you.
I don't think
I could sleep tonight.
I'm too pumped.
I'll sleep, but not until
well after midnight.
You know, I think maybe we're
all turning a corner here.
I know you are;
you're his golden boy.
- Yeah. -What were you guys
talking about for so long?
Just stuff.
Dr. P is a pretty
cool guy.
For the first
time in my life,
I actually feel
like I have a shot.
Things are going
to change.
I can feel it.
I know what I'm
going to do.
I'm going to leave
that bitch.
I'm going to walk out the door
and start over.
I don't care
if she is my mother,
there's a million other
basements in this city
that I can live in.
I'm a good man,
and I
deserve respect.
If they won't
give it to me...
then I'm going to take it.
I'm ready to live
the life that I deserve.
The life we deserve.
To the life we deserve!
Whoo!
I'm gonna need
another beer.
All right.
Time to start running things.
Got to take what's yours.
Life is my bitch.
I'm gonna be a lion.
A lion with balls-
lots of balls.
What are you doing?
Uh, nothing.
I was just about to knock.
I heard you say "balls,"
like, ten times.
Um, can I please
speak with Amanda?
Why are you
breathing so hard?
Ugh! It's gross.
Could you please
just get her?
Amanda,
Roger's here,
and apparently,
that's more important than
an international call
to your parents.
Yeah, all right.
All right,
we'll talk later.
Love you. Bye.
Hi.
Hi. Um, so...
Are you okay?
Yeah. I'm... fine. I'm...
So I was just wondering, um...
if you...
have...
What's wrong?
Roger!
Sure you're okay?
Yeah. I'm fine.
I just pass out sometimes.
Happens, you know?
Nice picture.
That's perfect.
Is that my wallet?
What kind of license is this?
I- It's a C-1.
It's mandatory for operating
a parking rover.
C- Can I please
have it back?
That is sad.
Becky, please.
Can I get you
some water or something?
No. You know what?
I really should
get going.
You guys have done so
much for me, and...
I... I don't want to be a
bother anymore, you know?
Yeah, but are you
still dizzy?
I- I don't want you
to take another fall.
No. I'm so used to it.
It happens so often.
Um... Um, but...
there's this thing
I wanted to ask you.
Um... do you want to go
have dinner Friday
night with me?
Well, that depends-
if we go out,
are you gonna face the door
the whole night, or...?
No. I can face you.
Then, yeah, Friday it is.
Really?
Are you sure?
Want to talk me
out of it?
No...
You're right, I-I
should get going.
Thank... thank
you so much.
Yeah, okay.
Um... thank you.
All right.
Th-Thank you so much.
Bye.
This, um...
wine is really good.
Mine is very tasty, too.
Good.
So where did you say
you were from again?
Keep whistling, I'm
gonna bite those lips
right off your
goddamn face.
Sorry.
Cindy,
stay in the moment,
honey, okay?
I'm sorry, what was that?
I really like your hair.
It's...
Wrong answer.
Excellent.
Okay, now who can tell me
what Eli did wrong?
Walsh.
He complimented her.
Correct.
He complimented her.
Which is one
of our rules:
no compliments ever.
Okay, let's review.
"Always get the girl alone. "
We work one-on-
one, people.
You separate the
prey from the herd.
Next.
"Lie, lie, lie some more. "
Yes, until you have
something real to
offer, you lie.
You lie about
everything.
Yes.
What if you're looking for,
like, you know,
a real girlfriend?
Can we please just get
everyone laid first?
I swear, if one of you
gets an handjob out of this,
I'm a miracle worker.
Okay, Cindy's ready for
another date. Who's up?
Come on, faggots!
Who's next?
Yeah, you know how it is.
I think I can do some good,
maybe volunteer
for five hours a week.
And then, all of a sudden,
it's a full-time job,
making exactly
zero dollars a year.
Ah, I'm sorry.
I'm babbling.
Shut up.
No, no, it's okay.
It's so funny-
I- I parallel those values.
Sorry?
Oh, I mean, that's something
we have in common.
You complain a lot?
No, I mean...
the, um, volunteering.
I volunteer at
the Big Brothers program.
Ah, no way.
Yeah, in fact, I'm kind of
the top brother at the place.
All the kids look up to me-
it's pretty cute.
That's great, Roger.
My brother could have used
someone like you growing up.
Really?
Yeah, uh, it's just...
my father walked out on us when
we were little, and, you know,
it was especially
hard on him.
Right,
right, right, right.
Yeah, I can relate to that
in a big way.
You can?
Yeah.
Um...
'cause, you know, my...
my father walked out on us, too.
Wow.
Hey, you okay?
Huh?
Oh, um... yeah.
I'm fine.
Yech.
Yuck...
- What?
- Can't look.
That. It's the worst.
Who wants to see
your dinner...
alive ten minutes before
you're gonna eat it?
It's gross.
Huh.
You know what
they say?
That when you
boil lobsters,
you can actually
hear them scream.
How sad is that?
d Set me free, little girl d
d All you got to do is
set me free, little girl d
d You know you can do it
if you try d
d All you got to do
is set me free d
d Free, free d
What's up?
d Set me free, little girl d
d All you got to do is
set me free, little girl d
d You know you can do it
if you try d
d All you got to do is d
d Set me free, free d
d Free, free d
We got to go.
Why? What happened?
Nothing. Get your coat.
d Set me free d
Taxi!
d Oh, set me free,
little girl... d
Ah, the East River.
Every lobster's dream.
Go north, little man.
It's only 400 miles
to Maine.
What?
Just you.
Careful.
You're supposed to
be my shy neighbor.
Since when do you
do things like this?
Since always.
You just never really knew me.
Yeah, I guess I didn't.
Wow.
My head's spinning.
You're not gonna pass out
on me again, are you?
No. Seriously.
Everything's spinning.
I might be allergic
to some of those weeds.
I feel a little dizzy.
Uh, maybe you're
just a little drunk.
No.
That couldn't be it.
Oh, my God.
Have you ever been
drunk before?
Please. Are you kidding me?
Try, like, every weekend,
ever since I was 11.
Whoa, whoa!
Okay.
Keys. Can I have...
Hey, hey.
Can I have the
keys, please?
Come on, come on.
Nice. Thank you.
Ow!
Ow, ow!
Okay, okay.
Yes, bed!
We made it.
Yes!
Thank you so much
for coming.
Can I get you anything?
No, I'm okay, I'm okay.
You sleep.
Oh, man.
Hey. Hey.
Look into my eyes.
We're not
spinning, okay?
We're very, very still.
Yeah.
I have a question.
Do you think I'm a lion?
What?
Do you think I'm a lion?
You know...
Um...
do you want
to be a lion?
Yes.
Very much.
Then, yes, you are a lion.
Now go to sleep.
I had a nice time tonight.
Hey, Amanda.
I totally love you.
Okay, that's nice.
Good night.
d Yo, yo, the dog is here d
d Where the hood, where
the hood, where the hood at? d
d Have that
in the cut d
d Where the wood at? d
d All them acting up,
where the wolves at? d
d You better bust that
if you gonna pull that d
d Where the hood d
d Where the hood,
where the hood at? d
d Have that
in the cut d
d Where the wood at? d
d Oh, them acting up,
where the wolves at? d
d You better bust that
if you gonna pull that d
d Yo, yo, yo, yo-yo, yo-yo d
d Yo-yo, yo, yo-yo d
d Don't know
what it's gonna be d
d Messing with a dog like me,
D to the M d
d To the X, last I heard d
Hell you doing here, boy?
Oh, hell, no!
Those are my sneakers.
What?
My standard-issue New Balances.
You're wearing them,
and I want them back.
Whoa, whoa.
Look, I got this.
- Nah, nah, I'm getting him.
- I got this.
I got this.
You got to shoot him, right?
You're right.
My bad.
How about instead of your shoes,
I give you a standard-
issue beat-down
in front of all
these nice people, huh?
The boy done slipped
and fell into a pile
of ass-whupping, y'all.
You're not understanding me.
Nobody steals my sneakers.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hold on a minute.
Did you say he
stole your shoes?
Yes, ma'am.
You told me you won
those shoes at a raffle.
I- I did.
It was a different
kind of raffle.
Wasn't nobody else
there but me.
You're lying.
Give him back
his damn shoes
before I beat the
black off you.
Mama, not in front
of all my people...
Shut up.
Don't make me
start praying, boy.
What the hell
you want to wear
meter maid shoes
for anyhow?
Don't you have
any self-respect?
Lawrence was
there, too.
He shot...
Get your behinds
home now.
Ms. Washington...
Now!
Yo, that's embarrassing.
Punked out. Yo, B.
Excuse me, do
you work here?
Sorry?
I told you-
the man's a genius.
He is.
What a sweet guy, too.
I know, right?
So let me ask you:
who's the guy
this semester?
What do you mean?
You know, who's the guy
who's doing really well?
Who's the standout?
Well, not to
brag, but...
it's probably me;
you know, I...
had a lot of luck
in the classes,
and, uh, done pretty well
in the field.
Are you kidding?
No. Why?
What's wrong?
Look, man, Dr. P is cool, but...
he's also extremely competitive.
I mean, he doesn't like
showboats.
Relax.
He's totally taken me
under his wing.
Oh, dude, you don't...
All right, there was
this guy in my class;
his name was Lonnie Ratcliff.
All right?
He was, he was a quick learner,
he was made for this stuff.
But he got too good, too fast.
Dr. P saw this
and just destroyed him.
I mean, crushed his whole world.
Poor guy ended up having to move
to Peekskill or some shit.
Why would he do that?
I don't know.
Love of the game.
Keeps him sharp.
Just be careful, all right?
Tone it down a bit.
Try to stay in the background.
I mean, that's what I do.
And look at me, dude.
I'm awesome.
God, it's so good to talk
to someone about books.
I feel like all my friends
want to do is talk about bad TV.
I know exactly what you mean.
Well, this has been
great, Dennis.
Oh, do I call you
"Doctor"?
Oh, no, please.
I- I hear "Doctor" all
day long in surgery,
so "Dennis" is fine.
What?
I don't know.
It's just, the way you
squint when you're nervous,
it just reminds me
of Sarah, that's all.
Who's Sarah?
Well, Sarah's my wife.
Um, she passed away
three years ago.
God, I'm...
I'm so sorry.
That's awful.
Oh, no, sorry is something
she never wanted to feel.
And she would hate
it if she thought
I was feeling
sorry for myself.
It's just so hard.
How do you deal with it?
What do you do?
Throw myself into my work.
Every time I start
feeling lonely or...
bad for myself,
you know,
I- I look into the eyes
of those little sick children...
...and it...
everything else goes away.
It's, um...
pretty sobering.
What?
Uh, hey, Becky.
Is Amanda here?
I brought her something.
What is it?
I got her some tickets
to a play.
What play?
"Movin' Out,"
the Billy Joel musical.
"Moving Out" is not a play.
Fine.
What would you call it?
I don't know.
A gay?
Whatever.
Look, when is she
coming back?
It's hard to say.
She's out with
this guy she just met.
Well, do you know
where they are?
Why would I tell you
where they are?
So you can go find her
and murder her
and shoot him
and then eat them
and stab yourself, Dahmer?
I just want to talk to her.
Fine. Give me the flowers.
Nicely!
Hi, Becky.
I got you some flowers.
Oh!
And the tickets.
Uh, hey, Dr. P, it's Roger.
Sorry to be
calling you off hours,
but I kind of have a situation.
I think Amanda's
seeing someone else,
and I'm just looking
for some last minute advice.
I mean, should I jump in
and confront the guy,
showing off my animal side,
or, I don't know, maybe should
I manipulate the situ...
d d
What the hell's
going on?
What are you doing in here?
I saw you with Amanda,
and I want to know
what's going on.
It's called competition.
It'll do wonders for you.
I have plenty of
competition in my life, okay?
It's hard enough.
Every once in a while,
a shepherd has to pluck
a sheep from the herd
and challenge him.
It let's the man know
he's worthy of leading.
Well, you know what?
I don't want to be
a shepherd anymore.
You're not the shepherd,
dumb ass.
I'm the shepherd.
It's called
an analogy, moron.
Look, you don't
understand.
Everything was going
so well between us.
Oh, clearly.
I'm sure you're
just days away
from adopting
a Chinese kid together.
It's not that difficult.
Use what you've learned
and defeat me.
If you can't do that, you know,
you don't deserve her anyway.
I paid you
for this class.
And you're getting
your money's worth.
Game on, Roger.
As far as Amanda knows,
my name is Dennis
and I'm a successful surgeon.
You are a successful
meter maid.
So may the best man win.
This is really an amazing club.
Thanks for bringing us here.
Well, just take it
easy on me.
These aren't the knees of
a spring chicken, you know?
Please, that sounds
like a setup, mister.
Well, at least leave
the hands alone,
because I'm in surgery
all day tomorrow, okay?
Deal.
What are those?
Oh, those are, uh,
frozen lemon towelettes.
They tend to overdo it here.
Just a little.
Could you pass me one of
those lemon towelettes?
Roger, hey.
What are you doing here?
Well, you know,
I thought I'd drop by,
hit a few balls.
Is this your dad?
What? No.
No, this is Dennis.
Dennis, um,
is a friend of mine.
This is Roger.
He lives in my building.
Hey, Roger.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hello, sir.
Dahmer plays tennis?
I got to see Dahmer
play tennis.
Oh, you know, I've been
known to mess around a bit.
I have an idea- why
don't we play doubles?
- Yeah.
- Absolutely.
- Play girls against guys.
- Are you sure?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on, it's be fun.
Now, I don't want
to be an intrusion.
No, no. Come
on, join us.
Oh... okay, great
Nice one.
I loved the dad comment.
There's more where
that came from... Dennis.
All right, let's go,
Billie Jean.
Let's see what
you've got.
First fault.
Sorry.
That sucked.
All right, hey.
It sucks.
Be careful, Dennis.
Ooh, sorry.
Double fault.
You all right,
Dennis?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
DENNIS:
Love-15.
Watch your ass, Roger.
Ooh, nervous.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Dennis.
Oh, man. I am so sorry.
I thought
I had it.
You want to take
a break?
That's cool. It happens.
Roger, can I talk
to you for a second?
Yeah.
Everything all right?
Yeah, of course.
That was a mistake.
Sorry about that.
You know, Dennis
and I are just friends.
Yeah, I understand.
That's cool.
Okay. So this isn't
a jealousy thing?
Amanda, I'm fine.
You can be friends
with whoever you want.
Okay, just checking.
But he is kind of old.
He's a widower; be nice.
Sure you're okay, Dennis?
Oh, yeah,
I'm fine; fine.
You know, actually, I think
I'm gonna stand back here.
Sorry about that.
Brand-new racket.
Still getting used to it.
It's all right.
No problem, Roger.
- Ow!
- Roger!
Do you have
a problem with me?
- Yeah, a big problem.
- Hey...
Hey! Hey! Hey! You guys!
Stop it! Break it up!
Roger, get off him.
Get off him!
Listen.
I know what's going on, and
I think it's awful, okay?
I am sorry, Dennis.
You don't deserve
to be treated this way.
It's okay, sweetie,
it's not your fault.
You owe him an apology.
Ow!
Dennis! Oh, my...!
Becky, get some help.
Totally unnecessary.
Deep breath.
Did you really
tackle him?
He challenged me.
He threw down
his racket.
Is he okay?
What?!
Dr. P-
did you hurt him?
No, he's fine.
It makes no sense.
I mean, Dr. P could have
any woman in the world,
why would he go after
your girl?
Because he's sick.
He thinks this whole thing
is a game.
I don't know.
You know, ever since I started
taking this class,
things have been
going pretty well.
It's like Dr. P says-
I want the tit.
It's true, we all do.
I've got two chicks back at
my place who think I'm Moby.
Not to mention, Dr. P
is one of the smartest
people in the world.
I mean, if he wants
to go out with Amanda,
maybe it's for the best.
What are you
talking about?
You don't really have a lot
of choices, do you, Rog?
I'm just gonna tell her.
What are you
going to tell her?
Everything-
I'm gonna tell her
who he is, tell her
about the class...
The class is
top secret, Roger.
You know that.
Besides, Lesher
might rape you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hey, wait.
Wait, what are you
talking about, Eli?
Why would you
even say
something like that, Eli?
It's just an idea
of something bad
that might happen.
Look, you guys don't get it.
I don't want
him near her.
This isn't even
about me anymore.
- What was that about, huh?
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Why would you even
bring that up? -I'm sorry.
Use your brain.
I s-slipped up.
Not cool, dude.
Okay. As far as I'm concerned,
this meeting never happened.
- Got it?
- Yeah.
- Great.
- Okay.
I knew he was
a psycho from day one.
You know, because I get
a sense from people,
and he had an energy
that was just,
it was so...
like, loser-ish.
OFFICER:
Yeah.
Is there any other
sense you got?
Wow, this guy is a
piece of work, huh?
Yeah, I found this
on my nightstand.
This is creepy.
I've got to tell you,
there's no doubt in my mind
you will be murdered.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Hey, partner.
Check it out.
Excuse me.
Here you go-
one chamomile tea.
Thanks, Dennis.
Don't worry-
everything's going to be okay.
I'm here.
I know.
OFFICER: I just have
a few more questions.
Is anything missing?
Yeah.
Kind of
embarrassing, but...
all of my
underwear is gone.
Oh.
Well, first of all,
don't be embarrassed.
It happens.
Uh, secondly, um...
can you, uh,
describe them for me?
Um... you know,
were they thongs,
Dutch cuts, full backs...?
Is that really necessary?
I could describe mine.
Um, oh, wait, I
don't wear any.
What's going on?
Just keep your hands
where I can see them, sir.
Wait, what happened?
What are you guys
doing here?
They're policemen.
What do you think
- they're doing here?
- What?
Come on, Roger, we
know you broke in.
- Look at this.
- Wait, hold on.
I know these guys.
They're not cops.
- All right, buddy, come on.
- Ow!
What are you doing?
Ernie?
ERNIE:
Just try to stay calm, sir.
Look, I did not do this.
I would never do this.
You know that.
I was weak, all right?
I wasn't happy with who I was,
so I took a class...
from him.
From Dennis?!
His name's not Dennis,
it's Dr. P.
Textbook paranoid behavior.
I've seen it a million times.
You guys, come on, tell her.
Dewey, it's okay, baby.
Go back to your
room, honey.
Oh, he's probably scared.
Dewey?
Oh, my God.
Sweetheart, what did
they do to you?
Okay, who the hell
painted the goddamn dog?
- Pretty awesome, right?
- No, not awesome.
- Jesus fucking Christ.
Do you have any idea
- what this dog's been through?
- Amanda, I didn't do that!
Let's go, buddy.
No, I'm not going!
Oh, my God.
- All right, calm down.
- Easy.
- Nice and easy, sir.
- Come on down.
- I got you.
- Stay back.
Deep breaths.
Deep breaths.
Okay, I got him!
I got him!
Oh!
Hey, Roger, uh, what do you
think of the uniforms?
Pretty authentic, huh?
I thought you guys
were my friends.
Whatever, man.
I guess we all
can't be lions.
Yeah, at this point, uh,
I'd say you're
more like a...
like an emu.
Good one, Ernie- emu.
Hey, uh, hey, emu,
check it out.
Ow!
This stuff is awesome.
Ah!
God!
Ow!
ERNIE: Goddamn it!
Ow!
Today's lesson
is dressing the part.
Right now, you look
like a bunch of idiots,
but we're going to fix that.
This is called hair gel.
Learn how to use it.
Another thing-
from now on, we wear sunglasses.
Whether it's day or night,
inside or out,
no one ever sees your eyes.
A little mystery
never hurt anybody.
Yes, Eli?
Um, how, uh, come
you don't wear sunglasses?
Because I'm not you.
Excuse me, sir.
We have a little bit
of a situation outside.
Hey!
What are you doing?!
Good evening, gentlemen.
You got to be
shitting me.
My name's Roger Waddell.
And I'm exercising my authority
per statue 8-12...
Why don't you
shut the hell up
and unhook my goddamn car!
I can't.
You see, my chalk stick
confirmed a three-inch intrusion
into the traffic lane.
And then there's the matter
of four unpaid priors.
You are so dead.
Which brings us
to the broken headlight.
Scuffed headlight.
So...
unpaid tickets,
towing and storage.
And that comes to
a grand total of
$1,663.00.
You have ten days to pay it.
I'm everywhere now.
I'm like the wind.
Ow!
"Dear Sergeant Morehead,
"I have tried
to hold back my feelings,
"but I can't go on like this.
"I am in love with you.
"And it's clear
you feel the same way.
"We need to figure out
a way to be together.
"Without you,
I'm like an empty vase
waiting for my Spanish rose. "
Sergeant, I swear...
Roger, this happens to be one
of the most beautiful letters
I have ever read.
But I'm not that way.
I didn't write
the letter.
Please. You signed it,
it has your
return address on it,
and you sealed it
with a unicorn.
Sergeant, can't you see?
I'm being set up.
That would be quite an elaborate
setup, don't you think?
No, not really.
All you need is a stamp
and a unicorn sticker.
Look, Roger,
I'm flattered, really I am.
But the department has
some pretty strict rules
on sexual harassment.
I'm going to have to let you go.
You're not listening!
I didn't write
the letter!
I'm sorry.
After you empty your locker,
you can turn your uniform
and your sneakers in to Manny.
You know what?
You can have
the uniform.
But I'm keeping the sneakers.
Yeah! That's what
I thought, man!
That's what I thought.
What?
Go back to work!
- Right, Monty?
- Right.
Right, Monty?
Whatever.
Thanks for meeting me.
I come here a lot.
It's quiet-
helps me think.
I lost my job
yesterday.
Yeah, sorry about that.
It was a shit job anyway.
But, hey, I got good news.
I'm offering you a truce.
Seriously, Roger.
I mean, enough is enough.
Fine.
Just... leave
Amanda alone,
and you'll never
see me again.
Well, here's the thing:
it's not that easy.
Normally, I'm not
the type of guy
who falls in love with a chick.
It's not what I do.
But with Amanda,
something just clicked.
You barely
even know her!
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
take it down.
Act like a man,
will you?
Sorry, buddy, but, uh,
I got to see
where this thing takes me.
Here.
What is this?
It's a refund.
It's half your tuition.
Why half?
Well, you did learn something.
Hell, you even kissed my girl.
I don't want
your money.
Just trying to be
a gentleman, all right?
You don't want me
to take the gloves off, Roger.
I got to go.
d d
Yeah, what is it?
Uh, yes,
I'm looking for
Lonnie Ratcliff.
Is he here?
Who the hell are you?
Hi. My name is
Roger Waddell.
I was wondering if I could
talk to you for a minute.
And what would that be
pertaining to?
Um, Dr. P.
Go ahead, shoot me.
Come on, do me.
Do me.
Right now.
No.
I'm not here to hurt you.
Lie, lie and lie some more.
You don't understand.
I'm here because
I need your help.
I want to know what
Dr. P did to you.
Why?
Because I think he's doing
the same thing to me.
You allergic to cats?
I used to be a pilot
in the Air Force.
They called me the Hawk.
Yeah, I was hell on earth,
but you'd never know it.
Hey, you want
a biscotti?
Uh, no thanks.
I don't blame you.
They're addictive.
So, uh, you served
in Grenada?
Yeah. There's a war that
the media ignored, huh?
I guess it wasn't sexy
enough for them or whatever.
Hey, come on, Jerry,
off of there.
Off of there,
come on.
Anyway, when I got back,
there was nothing-
no parades,
no celebrations.
I had nothing.
Nothing except Gina.
Was that your girlfriend?
No, she didn't even
know I existed.
But I used to watch
her... a lot.
Dr. P was going to
teach me how to get her.
Well, did it work?
Actually, it went
pretty well at first.
We started dating,
even talked about
getting a place together,
down at the shore.
She's real pretty.
Eh.
My little squirrel-
that's what I used to call her.
'Cause of the way
her tooth come down
over her lip like that.
Dr. P thought she
was cute, too.
Guys like Dr. P, they can
have anyone they want.
And?
What do you mean "And"?
Look around- I live
in a shit hole with 50 cats.
I'm sorry, I...
Jesus Christ.
I guess I meant, you know,
how did he do it?
Who knows?
He suckered her in
with some bull crap story
about his wife dying.
And he told her he was
some fancy-pants doctor.
Took her down to a medical
conference in Miami-
a medical conference which
did not exist, by the way-
and she went for it,
hook, line and sinker.
Poor Gina.
Worst part about it is,
three months later,
he dumps her.
She was devastated.
What's this?
This is just some information
I've been collecting about him
over the past nine years.
You know,
where he eats,
where he sleeps,
phone records, et al.
Keep it- maybe
it'll help you.
Actually, I have a better idea.
Why don't you come back
to the city with me?
I can really use
your help.
Oh, no; no can do.
Come on, we can
take this guy- Lesher, too.
Lesher?
Yeah.
He raped you, didn't he?
Huh?!
Lesher raped
you, right?
No.
No, I just think
he's a jerk.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, me, too.
I think he's a jerk, too.
I don't know what
his... problem is.
What?
No. Nothing.
d I'm gonna get free,
I'm gonna get free d
d I'm gonna get free d
d Ride into the sun d
d She never loved me d
d She never loved me,
she never loved me d
d Why should anyone? d
d Come here, come here,
come here d
d I'll take your photo for you d
d Come here, come here,
come here d
d Drive you around the corner d
d Come here, come here,
come here d
d Move out to California! d
This is unbelievable.
Okay, big deal.
So Dr. P uses a lot
of different identities.
And so he's done
some bad things.
So what?
We've all done stuff
we're not proud of.
Look...
I had this guy I know
over at the parking bureau
run his information.
Turns out,
Dennis Sherman- Dr. P-
bought two first-class tickets
to Miami.
So?
So...
I think he's
taking Amanda.
So?
So...
I have to find out
when they're leaving
and stop them.
But I can't do it alone.
Look, Dr. P
is our teacher,
and we love him.
Plus, he's helped us out,
a lot.
Helped you?
You guys, look at yourselves.
Do you think
you look cool?
Yeah. I'd say
we look pretty cool.
Okay, fine.
I admit it,
you look cool.
But do you
actually think
that after taking
a few classes,
you suddenly are cool?
Whatever, Roger.
We got to go.
Eli-
Let's go.
Yo.
This isn't right.
Come on, Eli.
Do you really
want to risk everything?
Roger's been there for us.
He took down Lesher
and gave us back
our dignity, remember?
Look, we just can't
walk out of here.
I mean, what if I'm next?
Would you guys just, uh,
leave me hanging out there
to get picked off?
Would you want me to leave you?
Is that really
the life we deserve?
We've got one condition.
We're not dealing
with Lesher.
Let me worry about Lesher.
Weird, huh?
Living all the way
out here in the suburbs.
What do you mean?
I don't know.
I'd have pegged Dr. P
for living in Manhattan.
I mean, a rich,
powerful bachelor
could do a lot of
damage in the city
I'm living proof.
All right.
Heads up.
What's he doing?
Going to his car.
Stay down.
Honey...
Oh! What do we
have here?
What is it?
Oh, you're going
to love this, Roger.
I'm sorry, Agent Stryker,
and, um, um...
This is
Agent... Gaylord.
Right.
Agents Stryker
and Gaylord.
We really cannot release
that kind of information.
Lois,
for the last time,
this is a matter of
national security.
You do care
about national security,
don't you, Lois?
LOIS:
Of course. Yes.
But if you could
just imagine, if I...
She's not
listening.
Print out the
passenger list, please.
I'm not allowed to.
Let me ask you
something, Lois.
Do you ever watch
the show 24?
Yes.
Well, think of this as a
real-life version of 24,
only our version
would be called-
what, I don't
know- One.
Don't look around,
Lois; look at me...
...and print out
that list.
It's time to be
part of something bigger.
I want to.
But...
No, shh,
shh, shh...
No, no.
No buts.
Just print.
Eli, what do you got?
ELl: Your suspicion was
absolutely correct.
Talk to me.
Passenger list confirms two
first-class tickets to Miami-
one for Dennis Sherman,
the other for Amanda.
Flight leaves
tomorrow morning.
Good work.
It's on.
We're just going
to a medical conference.
It's so not a big deal.
Besides, he's gonna be
working most of the time.
It just seems like
a big step.
It's not even a step.
It's just, I don't know,
I want to get away from
all this craziness for a while.
All right.
Hello.
Your ride is here.
All right, I'll be down
in two minutes.
Take your time.
Ah, you look good.
Hello, Lesher.
Remember me?
Oh, damn.
It's okay.
Easy!
Easy, big guy!
Shh...
Shh...
All right, I will.
Bye.
Hi, Rose.
Hi.
Good morning, ma'am.
JFK, right?
Yes, yes.
Amanda Richards?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
right, right.
ELl:
Check, check, check, one-two.
All systems are go.
How are we looking, people?
This is the Walrus.
The cigar shop
is open for business.
ELl:
Copy that, Walrus.
Falcon. Come in, Falcon.
What's your status? Over.
This is the Falcon.
I'm on the move.
JFK, please.
This is Road
Force One.
We are heavy
and rolling.
LONNIE:
This is the Hawk.
Lesher has been neutralized.
We're heading north
out of the city.
Excellent.
We'll see you at the rendezvous.
No can do.
This is where I get off.
What are you talking about?
Lesher and I have
our own little score to settle.
I'll catch you on the flip side.
Hawk.
Come in. Hawk.
So, Lesher, tell me,
you ever been
to Peekskill?
I can't understand
what you're saying.
You got to go slower.
Take a breath.
It's all gonna be okay.
Excuse me.
I think we just missed
the, um, exit for the airport.
Oh, he didn't tell you?
Dr. Sherman has
a surprise for you.
There's someone very special
he wants you to meet.
We'll be there
in ten, Walrus.
Copy that, Road Force.
Got my peepers on the party.
Will alert
if there's any movement.
Going somewhere?
Check that out.
It's got your
whole life
and all the terrible things
you've done to people.
Oh, and, uh...
what's this?
Look at that.
Looks like somebody
didn't die, did they?
In fact,
that looks like you with
Mrs. Dr. P-
aka your wife
for the past
15 years,
aka suck it!
You are busted!
Yeah.
Son of a bitch, you did it.
Goddamn it.
You actually did it.
I challenge you to become a man,
and here you are
sticking it to me
like a champion.
What are you
talking about?
Well, don't you get it, Roger?
The master's program-
you passed.
I don't believe you.
Oh, really?
How do you explain this?
That's Amanda's
first-class ticket
to Miami.
The other one's yours.
"Roger Waddell. "
Just consider it
a graduation present, Roger.
But...
what about all this stuff?
Wait, Lonnie said...
Lonnie who?
You don't mean
Lonnie Ratcliff?
That idiot.
He spent three years
in the 'tard hatch.
Yeah, but his,
his story was...
was just like mine.
Of course it is.
I did the same
damn thing to him.
The difference is, you rose to
the occasion and he fell apart.
I never said
my class was easy.
So... Lonnie...
never showed up
to the airport.
He thinks you flew off
with his girlfriend.
Exactly.
Truth is, I sat here
for two hours like an asshole
and ate a Cinnabon
and went home.
Oh, no! Amanda!
She's on the way
to your house.
To meet your wife.
Listen, my wife
knows the drill.
She can make her pancakes
while you fly solo to Miami,
or you can get her here.
There's still time.
Oh, and by the way, Roger,
the girl loves you.
She just doesn't know it yet.
Diego, it's Roger.
Abort mission.
I repeat, abort mission.
What are you
talking about?
Bring Amanda straight to the
airport- you got 25 minutes.
Hey, Rog, I don't think
I can make that.
Just drive!
You might want
to hold on.
Look, Dr. P, I...
Barry.
Oh, all right. Barry.
I don't know what to say.
Well, it doesn't happen
very often, but...
every once in a while,
I actually teach someone.
Thank you.
Oh, and hey, Roger.
Remember that night in the bar,
when you made that joke
about maybe someday
you'll teach the class?
Look me up when you get back.
Sorry if the ride
was a little bumpy.
Have a nice flight.
Let me go, please.
Take care.
God.
Let me have a Johnnie Walker.
Make it neat.
It's a good day, huh?
Going to Miami.
d d
d d
Hi.
There she is.
Sorry I'm late.
I had the craziest driver
on the way here.
Oh, don't worry, sweetheart.
We got time.
You know which gate?
d d
Diego,
where is she?
What are you talking about?
I dropped her off
ten minutes ago.
Which terminal?
The one on our itinerary-
terminal four.
Hey, Rog?
Rog, you still there?
Slow down, sir.
Come on through.
Can you remove
your shoes, please?
You're okay.
d d
And how does a glass
of champagne sound?
Sounds great.
And for you?
I'm fine, thanks.
You sure?
Yeah, maybe later.
Amanda!
Amanda!
ROGER
Wait!
Do you hear that?
No, I didn't
hear anything.
Okay.
Hold the door!
Wait!
Uh, sir...
Sir, um...
Excuse me,
excuse me.
Amanda...
Oh, my God.
You need to get
off this plane.
Listen, pal, I don't know
where your pills are,
but this ends now, okay?
Call security.
Uh, sir, could I
please see your ticket?
I don't have a ticket!
Okay?
Yeah, we need security
at gate 31. Now.
Listen to me-
this is a bad man.
Why are you
doing this, Roger?
Because you need
to hear the truth.
I'm not crazy.
I never broke into
your apartment.
And I never
spray-painted your dog.
I would never do that.
Sir, I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave...
Don't touch me.
You know, I know people
you can talk to.
We can get you help, okay?
You know...
You don't...
understand.
Calm down.
You're not...
listening.
Just breathe.
Breathe deeply.
Oh, God.
Jesus Christ.
It's okay.
It's just a panic attack.
He gets these a lot.
Of course he does.
Um, he's a doctor.
You gonna check on him?
I- I'm gonna get some ice.
Okay, everybody just,
uh, remain calm, and, uh,
we'll get this situation
under control.
Okay, everybody stand back.
Now what?
Where are you going
with this, Roger?
It's your move... Doctor.
Quick, he's not breathing.
Bring me the paddles.
Are you sure?
Yes, I need to shock him.
Come on, get them.
Okay.
Sir, give me a sock.
Quick. I don't want him
choking on his tongue.
Come on, stay with me.
Stay with me, stay with me!
Okay, this is
your last chance, Roger.
I'm not bluffing.
Okay.
Hand me the paddles,
come on.
Quick.
Are you sure?
Shouldn't we try
something else first?
Yes, I'm sure.
Here we go-
1,800 volts
of pure electricity.
Clear!
Sir, you don't have
the current engaged.
Are you sure you know
what you're doing?
Yes, I think I know
what I'm doing.
Obviously,
somebody didn't turn...
Aren't you supposed
to turn this thing on?
Turn it on.
Come on.
Wait.
He's breathing.
You back off.
I'm doing this, okay?
What do you mean, "back off"?
He's breathing.
I said stay back.
Just back off!
Please.
Why are you doing this?
Oh, my God.
You aren't even
a doctor, are you?
Who's a lion
now, bitch?
What?
Everything you said
is true, isn't it?
How could you?
Oh, please.
Amanda, look, I did it
for his own good.
You broke into my apartment,
you spray-painted my dog?
Well...
Oh, my God.
Is your wife even dead?
Not technically, but
I can explain that.
You make me sick!
Ow!
Get it off!
Get it off you!
Roger! Oh, my God.
Roger, can you hear me?
You okay?
No. I can't feel my chest.
Is-Is something burning?
I think it's you.
I'm so sorry for getting
you into any of this.
That's okay.
Everything's gonna be
all right.
Amanda...
Yeah?
I totally
love you.
I know.
You're gonna be okay.
I like it here.
It's quiet.
Helps me think.
So how have
you been?
Not too good.
My wife found out
about everything.
Everything?
It's been a bad month.
It didn't have
to go this far.
I always push things.
It's who I am.
So, uh, how is, uh...
She's good.
So why'd you call me?
I have something for you.
It's the first diploma
I've ever given out.
Congratulations.
Wow.
Thanks.
You know,
I was thinking, um...
I don't know, if I...
if I get the class,
you know, up and going again,
you know, maybe you could
drop by sometime
as, like, a guest speaker
or something.
Yeah. I don't know.
It's not really my thing.
Besides...
you know what they say:
"Those who can, do,
"and those who can't,
teach. "
But you already knew that.
Right.
I got to get going.
d I fell down
in the desert, baby d
d Yeah d
d I had nothing
but a piece of paper d
d Oh, yeah d
d I had to write
something down d
d And I found myself alone d
Hey, what's going on?
Well, well, well.
Good morning, sunshine.
Thinking there for a second we
weren't going to get you back
to the land
of the living, huh?
All right, listen up,
'cause I'm not going
to repeat this.
Here's how the game works.
You get a 15 minute head start.
If I were you, I'd try to find
a weapon of some type.
Definitely shelter,
though to be honest,
there ain't much
to work with down here.
Temperatures drop
way below freezing when the sun
goes down,
so you might want
to make a fire.
Downside of the fire is
it's real easy
for me to spot you
from the air with that.
d Then I let go
of everything d
d Into another dimension d
All right,
here's how this works.
You get
an eight-minute head start.
So I suggest
you get moving.
It's all right,
come on.
It's okay,
don't be scared.
Go ahead.
Oh, Lesher...
there's poison ivy
all over the place,
so watch it
with the short sleeves.
All right?
Ooh!
No, that's what
I'm talking about.
You're gonna get...
d Oh, yeah d
d Lightning crash
on the hill tonight d
d Yeah! d
d And I got a feeling
everything is gonna be d
d All right d
d Then a horse
came running to me d
Yay!
Congratulations,
honey, you win, you're fat.
Would you like
a big, fat medal?
Put it back.
d Then a storm began to blow d
Mazel tov.
d Into another dimension d
d Purple haze is in the sky d
d See the angel's wicked eye d
d All these things we must try d
d Till we see the reasons why d
d Oh, yeah d
d d
d I got lost
in the desert, baby d
d Yeah d
d I found temples
made out of paper d
d Oh, yeah d
d They were drumming
with golden bones d
d Building dreams up
out of their homes d
d Then I let go of everything d
d Into another dimension d
d Yeah d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d When I wake up
in the morning, love d
d And the sunlight hurts
my eyes d
d And something
without warning, love d
d Bears heavy on my mind d
d Then I look at you d
d And the world's all right
with me d
d Just one look at you d
d And I know it's gonna be d
- d A lovely day... d
- d Lovely, day, lovely day d
d Lovely day, lovely day,
lovely day d
d Lovely day, lovely day d
d Lovely day d
- d A lovely day... d
- d Lovely day, lovely day d
d Lovely day d
d Lovely day, lovely day,
lovely day d
d Lovely day, lovely day d
d When the day that lies
ahead of me d
d Seems impossible to face d
d When someone else
instead of me d
d Always seems to know the way d
d Then I look at you d
d And the world's all right
with me d
d Just one look at you d
d And I know it's gonna be... d
Wait, man.
Hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey!
Put the clipboard
down, Serpico.
He's just getting
ready to move that, man.
Oh. Okay, great.
If you could just move it,
that'd be great.
Cool, man, no problem.
Damn, came out
of nowhere.
City make you
wear them shorts?
Yeah, these are regulation-
we have to wear 'em
till December 1.
Between those shorts and
that little-ass truck,
the shit's humiliating, man.
It's a living, right?
Man, I'm glad
I seen you when I did.
I can't afford
another ticket.
Ooh, actually, you know,
it's already been processed.
Whatcha talking about?
Well, this clipboard's
a computer.
You see, once I push "send,"
it goes straight to Albany.
It's in the system.
Well, un-send
it, then.
You can't un-send it;
it's too late.
You're not listening.
Now, I'm telling you,
take my shit
out the system,
meter maid.
Uh, guys, please...
- I have to get going...
- Get going?!
Where the hell
you think you're going?
You slam the door on me?
Hey, boy, get your ass
out of that box!
I'll start kicking
your ass, boy. What...
Hey, where you going?
Get away.
Turtle One to base,
Turtle One to base, come in.
Hello?
Hey, hey, hey! Hey!
Look at him.
- Don't make me use it, man.
- Use it.
Don't hesitate!
Shoot his ass!
Yo, man!
Man, what the
hell happened?
Shit, Lloyd, you hit him.
No, I don't think so.
It must have been
a ricochet.
Hello!
Hello!
Were you hit by a ricochet?
Little ticket man!
Blink twice
if you can hear me!
Man, he ain't hit nowhere.
He's faking, man.
He just fainted.
Aw, man, you okay?
Yes.
I'm sorry, I just...
I get these panic attacks
sometimes, that's all.
Damn!
You can't do this
to me, man. Huh?
I get nervous, you had
my heart going all fast.
- I-I'm sorry, really.
- Yeah.
You know, just... here, let me
pay for your ticket, okay?
Yeah, that's more like it.
Here you go, that's $80-
that should cover it.
I- I mean,
$80 is nice, dude,
it's sweet, but what about
all the mental distress
I just went through?
You got something for that?
Yeah.
What else you got?
Could someone explain to me
how one
of my parking enforcement agents
manages to lose his badge,
his uniform
and his standard-issue
New Balance sneakers.
What could I do, Sarge?
They took everything.
I'm sorry.
I... I was reading through
my employee benefits,
and it says
I'm entitled to meet
with a government counselor.
I'd like to meet
with a counselor.
You're looking at him.
What do you mean?
I'm the assigned counselor
for District 240.
I figure, hey, why not take
the bump on the paycheck.
Besides, I'm redoing
my kitchen.
Oh, um...
Don't worry.
I took the quiz.
I'm certified.
Well...
I feel very, um,
- alone.
- Uh-huh.
And sometimes I get
these panic attacks where I...
Oh, oh.
Hold that. That's good.
Sweetie.
You wouldn't believe
what I'm doing right now.
I'm counseling.
For real!
Yo, Sarge,
check it out, man.
I heard we got a new
dress code around here.
How do I look?
How do I look?!
You look good!
I like that!
- Come on, come on, Rog, let's...
- Look at this guy!
You are a good dancer, bud!
Yeah!
Where are my pants?
Where's my shoes at?
d d
d d
Hi, Roger.
Hey.
So... so, you guys
gonna play some
tennis or something?
Yeah.
Wow, what gave it away?
You should work
for Homeland Security.
Becky.
So, um... I read that letter
that you posted
to the building manager.
Oh, you did?
Yeah. I thought it was great.
Oh, well, thanks.
I mean, really well written.
Aren't you getting your master's
in English?
Yep, I am.
Wow. Looks like you're
well on your way.
Congrats.
Thanks.
Casanova's really pulling
out all the stops today.
Seriously, where should
I throw my panties?
I'm sorry, Roger.
Becky thinks that any guy
that even talks to a girl
- has to be a stalker.
- I don't.
I just think he is.
Aren't you, Roger?
Uh, excuse me.
Where are you going?
This is the
third floor.
Oh, yeah, I know,
but I was...
I forgot something
upstairs.
You guys have a great day.
Hey, Ian.
Oh, hey, Rog.
How you doing?
I'm okay.
Have you seen Wally around?
We're learning
the backstroke today.
Uh... you know what,
you might come on in.
I want to talk to you
about Wally for a second.
What's wrong?
Nothing. Just...
it'll take a sec.
Is everything okay?
Huh? Uh, yeah, yeah.
He's-he's-he's fine,
he's fine. Uh...
Thing is...
he wants a new
big brother.
What?!
You know, I'm sure
he just wants
to play the field
a little.
You know, see what
else is out there.
You know how kids are.
Wow.
Can I at least
talk to him?
Roger, the kid is nine
years old, all right?
His dad just got shot
in the heart, all right?
Don't you think he's
been through enough?
Okay. Well...
are there any other kids?
No. No, man.
This is the third time
this has happened.
I mean, maybe it's time to
stop chasing rainbows, buddy.
All right. Okay.
- Sorry, man.
- No.
Take it easy.
Oh, sorry.
You have to take
your hand off.
Okay, go. Take it. No.
Take your hand off.
Roger, just stand away
for one second.
Okay, the buzzer...
G- Go now.
d d
Hey, Roger!
Hold up, man.
Listen, I know...
Are you... crying?
I'm sorry.
It's not just Wally,
it's... everything.
- He's crying.
- Mac!
It's all right, man,
it's... it's okay, it's...
Uh, yeah. Shh.
All right, man.
Listen...
Okay. Listen.
Listen, man.
I know this guy,
all right?
And he, uh...
he runs this thing.
I think it'd be
a big help for you.
What do you mean?
What kind of thing?
Look, here, just call
this number, all right?
But you didn't
get it from me.
I don't understand.
Look, Roger, I...
I used to be like...
you, you know?
But look at me now, man.
I run this entire place.
I'm dating two
different Asian chicks.
You want things to change?
Call the number and
follow the instructions.
I got to go.
Call it... or burn it.
Hey, Perkins, what the
fuck did I tell you?
Get inside and
get your pudding.
MAN
Hello.
Hi, I'm calling about...
For new student registration,
please press one.
I- Is this a recording?
Just press it.
Hello?
Just press the damn button,
you asshole.
Uh, I think I have
the wrong number. Sorry.
Hello?
Congratulations, you're
already my worst student.
Who gave you this number?
Uh, I have to go.
Hey, relax.
I'm here to help, okay?
Now, who gave you the number?
His name is Ian Winsky.
Do you always rat out
your friends that quickly?
- That says a lot about you.
- I wasn't ratting out...
Would you not interrupt
me for five seconds?
Open your goddamned ears.
I'm sorry.
We got a new class
starting this Tuesday.
Registration is $5,000,
cash only,
in a plain manila envelope.
Be at the Learning Annex
at 8:00 p. m.
Don't be early, but be on time.
d d
d d
Wait. Wait.
Hold the elevator!
Hold the elev...
Thanks a lot.
You guys going to 402?
Yeah.
Oh, no way!
Me, too!
Name's Walsh.
Nice to meet y...
No talking.
Listen up, 'cause I will not
be repeating this again.
When entering
this building,
you will talk or
speak to no one.
If some asshole wants to talk about his
goddamn French test,
you tell him to fuck
off, understood?
- Understood?
- Yeah. -Yes.
Envelopes.
Manila.
Dr. P specifically
said manila.
This is off-white.
Sorry.
Sorry doesn't
make it manila.
Next time, use
your damn brain.
End of the hall.
What's going on?
I don't know.
Who is this guy?
I hope he's not
our teacher.
Hey, no chitchat!
Oh. Here, sorry.
No, don't be silly-
it's all yours.
I'm fine.
I could totally stand.
Don't be crazy, okay?
I could use the exercise.
I'll find...
Would one of you sit
in the goddamn chair?
Look at the two of you.
I mean, uh, "I could
use the exercise"?
That doesn't even
make any sense.
Sorry.
Well, congratulations.
In a room full of weak men,
you stand alone as the weakest.
Here, sit in my chair.
Come on, sit.
Tell me something-
are you a loser?
I asked you a question-
are... you... a... loser?
Um... yes?
No.
You see, a loser is someone
who tries but fails,
who shoots but misses.
But I got a suspicion
that you don't take
any shots.
Show of hands.
How many of you retards
own a self-help book?
Well, that's your first problem.
You can't help yourself
because yourself sucks.
If you're helping yourself,
that means you're being helped
by a complete asshole.
So ignore yourself.
Do what I say instead.
Short sleeves,
what was the first thing
you did when you were born?
I- I don't know.
Anybody?
You screamed your asses off
for what you wanted.
And what did you want?
Okay.
The tit.
You wanted a tit,
and you got the tit.
Trouble is, I don't see anyone
in this room who's willing
to scream for anything anymore.
I want the tit!
Well, see? That's better.
That's what I'm talking about.
I like this guy.
Yeah, he seems kind of sweet.
Excuse me, um, s-sir?
Dr. P.
What exactly does
this class teach?
What?
Well, my friend
seemed to imply
that this was more of
a confidence-building...
This is not a goddamn
Tony Robbins seminar.
If you're looking
for Chicken Soup for the Soul,
just get the fuck
out of here.
Um, I'm sorry.
Never be sorry.
Oh. I'm sorry.
I mean...
I mean, um...
Never mind.
I have a question.
Uh, my wife says I'm a pushover,
but what if deep down inside
I'm really just a nice guy?
Fuck nice.
That's a bunch of dog shit.
That's it for today.
I'm sick of looking
at your faces.
Excuse me, um,
will every class run
five minutes and 25...
Wait, please. That...
contains very important mat...
Goodness.
d d
d d
Be a good boy.
All right, I'll be
back in a little bit.
Great. Bye.
Geez, you scared me, Roger.
I'm sorry.
What are you doing,
just hanging out in here?
No, I'm... I was
throwing some stuff out.
I heard someone
coming and...
Penguins, huh? Hmm.
I always saw you more as
a flannel pj's kind of guy.
I have those, too.
I'm kidding.
I know.
But I do have 'em.
Anyway, I, uh, have
to go to work, so...
- Hey, Amanda?
- Yeah?
Can I ask you something?
- Yeah, no worries. What is it?
- Um...
Oh, yeah. Uh, I saw
this awesome documentary
on TV the other night.
It was all about Australia-
you would have loved it.
No way.
Very cool country.
I wish I was from there.
That's nice.
Um...
Yeah.
Was there something else?
Uh... no. I...
Was there something else
you had...
No, you just...
you said-said...
Anyways, uh,
I'll try and get you
a tape of that
documentary. Um...
Great. Yeah.
I have to go, so thanks.
Uh...
Oh, yeah.
Come on, Roger.
I mean, you got to give it
some time at least.
I'm telling you,
this class is going to be
the best thing
you've ever done.
I just don't get it.
I mean, is he for real?
Yeah, he's for real.
He's very real.
Hey, read the sign:
"No eating in the pool. "
Jesus.
Look, I know it seems
weird at first, okay?
I get it, you know?
But you just got
to keep an open mind.
I tried, but I'm not even
sure I understand
what he's teaching,
you know?
Look, I'll make it
real simple for you.
He's teaching you whatever
it is you need to learn.
I don't know.
Maybe this class
just isn't for me.
Oh, Roger.
Look, honestly?
I felt the same way
when I started,
but then, I took a good long,
hard look in the mirror,
and you know what?
I didn't like what I saw.
What's he doing here?
I came to talk to Ian,
Wally, not you.
Don't make this weird, Roger.
It's over between us;
I've moved on.
Well, I've also moved on.
I mean, no offense, but...
my life's been, like, ten times
better ever since you left.
At least.
Yeah, right.
Whatever.
Get over it, asshole.
I am over it!
Loser.
I hate him.
Wow.
Roger, seriously.
If I were you...
I'd stay in the class.
You need it.
What does it take to be
king of the jungle?
Do you have to be the fastest?
Or the strongest?
No.
Because do you know what the
lion's most powerful weapon is?
It's his roar.
It's that roar
that enables the lion
to take what is rightfully his.
Diego, stop scratching
your nuts.
Sorry.
It's time you guys
got your shit together.
I want to see
some goddamn lions!
You see that?
You think a lion asks
for his dinner?
He takes it!
What does he do?
Let me hear you say it.
He takes it.
- Louder!
- He takes it!
Do you think a lion
asks for a promotion?
He takes it!
Does a lion wait
for approval?
He takes it!
Right now, none of
you are worth shit,
but starting tonight,
we're going to shed our skin
and become something
entirely new.
Forget your past lives,
gentlemen.
From this point on,
you're all lions.
Your next class
is to begin at any place,
at any time,
so be ready.
I'm not done.
This...
is a beeper.
You will each be given one.
When your beeper goes off,
you will initiate
a confrontation immediately.
If you fail
to follow these simple orders,
you will be expelled,
with no refund.
What?
How will you even know
if we follow the orders?
Yeah. What are we, under
surveillance or something?
Yeah.
Yes.
Now, get the hell
out of here.
The kid's like, 16,
17 years old, you know.
Tap on the window.
"Officer, Officer, please,
"please, if I get
one more ticket,
my dad's gonna kill me,
all right?"
I say to him,
"Kid, please, if I don't
give you this ticket,
I ain't gonna make my quota. "
And he's...
He was mad.
What is he, a pimp now?
Give me a dollar;
I want a Danish.
You know what?
I'll take that.
No, whoa, whoa, Roger.
What the hell
are you doing?
I always get
the last Danish.
You know how it works.
Well, too bad.
I'm hungry.
Roger...
I will kill you.
Give me back my
cherry Danish.
Hey, is that the
new Star magazine?
Thanks.
It's supposed to be
a great issue.
What, did you forget to take
your medication this morning?
No, Zack.
You know what?
I have a little something
called pride.
Remember that.
Ooh...
Who gets the last
cherry Danish?!
Zack does!
Zack what?!
Zack gets the last
cherry Danish!
Yeah, that's right!
Yo, that's what
I'm talking about!
d You got a reaction,
didn't you? d
d You took a white orchid... d
Evening,
Mr. Schultz.
Time for dinner,
all right?
d Something better than nothing
is giving up d
d We all need to do something d
d Try to keep the truth
from showing up d
d How dare you d
Give me that.
d How old are you now, anyway? d
Hey, keep it down, huh?
I'm trying to read the paper.
What'd you just
say, homey?
How would you like
to die, man?
No, uh...
how would you like to die?
What?!
Hey, come on, man.
What the hell
is he doing?
Honey... honey, I...
d You took a white orchid... d
Hey!
This is not cool.
Why would he bring us
all the way out here?
All I know is, last night,
I tried getting tough
with my roommate.
He kicked me out.
I had to sleep in a Kinko's.
Yeah, well, I stood up
to a guy at my work,
and he gave me
a swirly.
Hey, no way.
I got a swirly, too.
Hey, I'm-I'm sorry.
What exactly
is a swirly?
It's when someone dunks
your head in the toilet
and then flushes it
on your face.
Totally rocks your world,
but not in the good way.
Oh.
I received one
of those as well.
"I'd like to move out
of my mother's basement
and up into the main house. "
Wow, you're shooting for
the stars, aren't you, Walsh?
"My goal is to make
another $3,000 a year. "
Well, let me tell you
something, Ernie.
This class is five grand-
you're already behind.
"I want my wife
to stop abusing me. "
Jesus Christ, Diego,
you got to be shitting me.
I thought those questionnaires
are supposed to be confidential.
News flash:
I lie.
Now, in those bags
are 15 semiautomatic
high-powered paintball guns.
Pass them out.
You will
trust no one.
It is time to kill
or be killed.
Um, what are
the teams?
There are no teams- it's
every man for himself.
No helmets?
No helmets,
no goggles,
no nothing.
And if that's
not enough,
somewhere out there
in those woods,
Lesher's there,
just waiting.
It says here to maintain
a minimum distance
of 100 feet between
shooter and target, though.
Oh! My God!
Now, does anybody else
want to read
their gun?
Huh?
Uh, when do we start?
Now.
He already shot me!
Are you guys a
bunch of retards?
Spread out!
d d
d d
My eye!
Walsh!
- I'm sorry!
- My eye!
I'm so sorry!
It's okay! I'm here!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Are you okay?
Gotcha.
Never trust anyone.
I thought we
were friends.
You know what
Dr. P says:
"Friends are just obstacles
that stand between you
and success. "
Touch.
DIEGO:
Not so fast, gentlemen.
Looks like we got
ourselves a situation.
What are we gonna do?
Every man
for himself.
You know the rules.
Well, well, well.
What do we have here?
Looks like you three are
in a pickle, doesn't it?
Throw your weapons down.
Now!
Eyes off me!
Eeny, meeny,
miny, moe...
What you looking at, man?
Don't look at me.
Dude, this is not cool.
No talking.
Haven't you done
enough to us already?!
Oh, I don't know, ladies.
You know what?
It's gonna get a whole lot worse
before it gets any better-
understand that.
What more are you
planning to do to us?
Who knows?
I just tend to go
with the flow.
Let's just see where
things take us.
I tend to get very,
very creative in these
type of situations.
Hey, Lesher.
I shot Lesher!
Whoo!
d I used to be
such a sweet, sweet thing d
d Till they
got a hold of me d
d I opened doors
for little, old ladies d
d I helped the blind to see d
d No more Mr. Nice Guy... d
Roger!
Whoo!
Hey, Roger.
Roger!
Dr. P wants
to talk to you.
Alone.
You wanted to see me?
Congratulations.
You did well today.
I'm impressed.
Oh. Thank you.
Who knows?
Maybe one day, I'll
teach the class.
What was your name again?
Roger.
Right. Roger.
So tell me, Roger,
why did you sign up
for this class?
Well...
it's kind of
complicated.
What's her name?
Um... Amanda.
She lives in
my building.
What does she do?
Well, she's
Australian...
She works as an Australian?
No, uh...
Sorry, I'm kind
of nervous.
That's okay.
Relax. It's all right.
Um, she's a grad
student, and...
she volunteers at
an animal shelter.
Jesus, that's
an easy takedown.
You don't even need me.
It's a slam dunk.
Well, nothing's ever
a slam dunk for me.
Listen to me, Roger.
You did good today.
You became the hunter,
and you set
your sights on Lesher.
Now you have to set
your sights on her.
Roger, there are two types
of men in this world:
those who run shit,
like me,
and those who eat shit,
like you.
I don't think
I could sleep tonight.
I'm too pumped.
I'll sleep, but not until
well after midnight.
You know, I think maybe we're
all turning a corner here.
I know you are;
you're his golden boy.
- Yeah. -What were you guys
talking about for so long?
Just stuff.
Dr. P is a pretty
cool guy.
For the first
time in my life,
I actually feel
like I have a shot.
Things are going
to change.
I can feel it.
I know what I'm
going to do.
I'm going to leave
that bitch.
I'm going to walk out the door
and start over.
I don't care
if she is my mother,
there's a million other
basements in this city
that I can live in.
I'm a good man,
and I
deserve respect.
If they won't
give it to me...
then I'm going to take it.
I'm ready to live
the life that I deserve.
The life we deserve.
To the life we deserve!
Whoo!
I'm gonna need
another beer.
All right.
Time to start running things.
Got to take what's yours.
Life is my bitch.
I'm gonna be a lion.
A lion with balls-
lots of balls.
What are you doing?
Uh, nothing.
I was just about to knock.
I heard you say "balls,"
like, ten times.
Um, can I please
speak with Amanda?
Why are you
breathing so hard?
Ugh! It's gross.
Could you please
just get her?
Amanda,
Roger's here,
and apparently,
that's more important than
an international call
to your parents.
Yeah, all right.
All right,
we'll talk later.
Love you. Bye.
Hi.
Hi. Um, so...
Are you okay?
Yeah. I'm... fine. I'm...
So I was just wondering, um...
if you...
have...
What's wrong?
Roger!
Sure you're okay?
Yeah. I'm fine.
I just pass out sometimes.
Happens, you know?
Nice picture.
That's perfect.
Is that my wallet?
What kind of license is this?
I- It's a C-1.
It's mandatory for operating
a parking rover.
C- Can I please
have it back?
That is sad.
Becky, please.
Can I get you
some water or something?
No. You know what?
I really should
get going.
You guys have done so
much for me, and...
I... I don't want to be a
bother anymore, you know?
Yeah, but are you
still dizzy?
I- I don't want you
to take another fall.
No. I'm so used to it.
It happens so often.
Um... Um, but...
there's this thing
I wanted to ask you.
Um... do you want to go
have dinner Friday
night with me?
Well, that depends-
if we go out,
are you gonna face the door
the whole night, or...?
No. I can face you.
Then, yeah, Friday it is.
Really?
Are you sure?
Want to talk me
out of it?
No...
You're right, I-I
should get going.
Thank... thank
you so much.
Yeah, okay.
Um... thank you.
All right.
Th-Thank you so much.
Bye.
This, um...
wine is really good.
Mine is very tasty, too.
Good.
So where did you say
you were from again?
Keep whistling, I'm
gonna bite those lips
right off your
goddamn face.
Sorry.
Cindy,
stay in the moment,
honey, okay?
I'm sorry, what was that?
I really like your hair.
It's...
Wrong answer.
Excellent.
Okay, now who can tell me
what Eli did wrong?
Walsh.
He complimented her.
Correct.
He complimented her.
Which is one
of our rules:
no compliments ever.
Okay, let's review.
"Always get the girl alone. "
We work one-on-
one, people.
You separate the
prey from the herd.
Next.
"Lie, lie, lie some more. "
Yes, until you have
something real to
offer, you lie.
You lie about
everything.
Yes.
What if you're looking for,
like, you know,
a real girlfriend?
Can we please just get
everyone laid first?
I swear, if one of you
gets an handjob out of this,
I'm a miracle worker.
Okay, Cindy's ready for
another date. Who's up?
Come on, faggots!
Who's next?
Yeah, you know how it is.
I think I can do some good,
maybe volunteer
for five hours a week.
And then, all of a sudden,
it's a full-time job,
making exactly
zero dollars a year.
Ah, I'm sorry.
I'm babbling.
Shut up.
No, no, it's okay.
It's so funny-
I- I parallel those values.
Sorry?
Oh, I mean, that's something
we have in common.
You complain a lot?
No, I mean...
the, um, volunteering.
I volunteer at
the Big Brothers program.
Ah, no way.
Yeah, in fact, I'm kind of
the top brother at the place.
All the kids look up to me-
it's pretty cute.
That's great, Roger.
My brother could have used
someone like you growing up.
Really?
Yeah, uh, it's just...
my father walked out on us when
we were little, and, you know,
it was especially
hard on him.
Right,
right, right, right.
Yeah, I can relate to that
in a big way.
You can?
Yeah.
Um...
'cause, you know, my...
my father walked out on us, too.
Wow.
Hey, you okay?
Huh?
Oh, um... yeah.
I'm fine.
Yech.
Yuck...
- What?
- Can't look.
That. It's the worst.
Who wants to see
your dinner...
alive ten minutes before
you're gonna eat it?
It's gross.
Huh.
You know what
they say?
That when you
boil lobsters,
you can actually
hear them scream.
How sad is that?
d Set me free, little girl d
d All you got to do is
set me free, little girl d
d You know you can do it
if you try d
d All you got to do
is set me free d
d Free, free d
What's up?
d Set me free, little girl d
d All you got to do is
set me free, little girl d
d You know you can do it
if you try d
d All you got to do is d
d Set me free, free d
d Free, free d
We got to go.
Why? What happened?
Nothing. Get your coat.
d Set me free d
Taxi!
d Oh, set me free,
little girl... d
Ah, the East River.
Every lobster's dream.
Go north, little man.
It's only 400 miles
to Maine.
What?
Just you.
Careful.
You're supposed to
be my shy neighbor.
Since when do you
do things like this?
Since always.
You just never really knew me.
Yeah, I guess I didn't.
Wow.
My head's spinning.
You're not gonna pass out
on me again, are you?
No. Seriously.
Everything's spinning.
I might be allergic
to some of those weeds.
I feel a little dizzy.
Uh, maybe you're
just a little drunk.
No.
That couldn't be it.
Oh, my God.
Have you ever been
drunk before?
Please. Are you kidding me?
Try, like, every weekend,
ever since I was 11.
Whoa, whoa!
Okay.
Keys. Can I have...
Hey, hey.
Can I have the
keys, please?
Come on, come on.
Nice. Thank you.
Ow!
Ow, ow!
Okay, okay.
Yes, bed!
We made it.
Yes!
Thank you so much
for coming.
Can I get you anything?
No, I'm okay, I'm okay.
You sleep.
Oh, man.
Hey. Hey.
Look into my eyes.
We're not
spinning, okay?
We're very, very still.
Yeah.
I have a question.
Do you think I'm a lion?
What?
Do you think I'm a lion?
You know...
Um...
do you want
to be a lion?
Yes.
Very much.
Then, yes, you are a lion.
Now go to sleep.
I had a nice time tonight.
Hey, Amanda.
I totally love you.
Okay, that's nice.
Good night.
d Yo, yo, the dog is here d
d Where the hood, where
the hood, where the hood at? d
d Have that
in the cut d
d Where the wood at? d
d All them acting up,
where the wolves at? d
d You better bust that
if you gonna pull that d
d Where the hood d
d Where the hood,
where the hood at? d
d Have that
in the cut d
d Where the wood at? d
d Oh, them acting up,
where the wolves at? d
d You better bust that
if you gonna pull that d
d Yo, yo, yo, yo-yo, yo-yo d
d Yo-yo, yo, yo-yo d
d Don't know
what it's gonna be d
d Messing with a dog like me,
D to the M d
d To the X, last I heard d
Hell you doing here, boy?
Oh, hell, no!
Those are my sneakers.
What?
My standard-issue New Balances.
You're wearing them,
and I want them back.
Whoa, whoa.
Look, I got this.
- Nah, nah, I'm getting him.
- I got this.
I got this.
You got to shoot him, right?
You're right.
My bad.
How about instead of your shoes,
I give you a standard-
issue beat-down
in front of all
these nice people, huh?
The boy done slipped
and fell into a pile
of ass-whupping, y'all.
You're not understanding me.
Nobody steals my sneakers.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hold on a minute.
Did you say he
stole your shoes?
Yes, ma'am.
You told me you won
those shoes at a raffle.
I- I did.
It was a different
kind of raffle.
Wasn't nobody else
there but me.
You're lying.
Give him back
his damn shoes
before I beat the
black off you.
Mama, not in front
of all my people...
Shut up.
Don't make me
start praying, boy.
What the hell
you want to wear
meter maid shoes
for anyhow?
Don't you have
any self-respect?
Lawrence was
there, too.
He shot...
Get your behinds
home now.
Ms. Washington...
Now!
Yo, that's embarrassing.
Punked out. Yo, B.
Excuse me, do
you work here?
Sorry?
I told you-
the man's a genius.
He is.
What a sweet guy, too.
I know, right?
So let me ask you:
who's the guy
this semester?
What do you mean?
You know, who's the guy
who's doing really well?
Who's the standout?
Well, not to
brag, but...
it's probably me;
you know, I...
had a lot of luck
in the classes,
and, uh, done pretty well
in the field.
Are you kidding?
No. Why?
What's wrong?
Look, man, Dr. P is cool, but...
he's also extremely competitive.
I mean, he doesn't like
showboats.
Relax.
He's totally taken me
under his wing.
Oh, dude, you don't...
All right, there was
this guy in my class;
his name was Lonnie Ratcliff.
All right?
He was, he was a quick learner,
he was made for this stuff.
But he got too good, too fast.
Dr. P saw this
and just destroyed him.
I mean, crushed his whole world.
Poor guy ended up having to move
to Peekskill or some shit.
Why would he do that?
I don't know.
Love of the game.
Keeps him sharp.
Just be careful, all right?
Tone it down a bit.
Try to stay in the background.
I mean, that's what I do.
And look at me, dude.
I'm awesome.
God, it's so good to talk
to someone about books.
I feel like all my friends
want to do is talk about bad TV.
I know exactly what you mean.
Well, this has been
great, Dennis.
Oh, do I call you
"Doctor"?
Oh, no, please.
I- I hear "Doctor" all
day long in surgery,
so "Dennis" is fine.
What?
I don't know.
It's just, the way you
squint when you're nervous,
it just reminds me
of Sarah, that's all.
Who's Sarah?
Well, Sarah's my wife.
Um, she passed away
three years ago.
God, I'm...
I'm so sorry.
That's awful.
Oh, no, sorry is something
she never wanted to feel.
And she would hate
it if she thought
I was feeling
sorry for myself.
It's just so hard.
How do you deal with it?
What do you do?
Throw myself into my work.
Every time I start
feeling lonely or...
bad for myself,
you know,
I- I look into the eyes
of those little sick children...
...and it...
everything else goes away.
It's, um...
pretty sobering.
What?
Uh, hey, Becky.
Is Amanda here?
I brought her something.
What is it?
I got her some tickets
to a play.
What play?
"Movin' Out,"
the Billy Joel musical.
"Moving Out" is not a play.
Fine.
What would you call it?
I don't know.
A gay?
Whatever.
Look, when is she
coming back?
It's hard to say.
She's out with
this guy she just met.
Well, do you know
where they are?
Why would I tell you
where they are?
So you can go find her
and murder her
and shoot him
and then eat them
and stab yourself, Dahmer?
I just want to talk to her.
Fine. Give me the flowers.
Nicely!
Hi, Becky.
I got you some flowers.
Oh!
And the tickets.
Uh, hey, Dr. P, it's Roger.
Sorry to be
calling you off hours,
but I kind of have a situation.
I think Amanda's
seeing someone else,
and I'm just looking
for some last minute advice.
I mean, should I jump in
and confront the guy,
showing off my animal side,
or, I don't know, maybe should
I manipulate the situ...
d d
What the hell's
going on?
What are you doing in here?
I saw you with Amanda,
and I want to know
what's going on.
It's called competition.
It'll do wonders for you.
I have plenty of
competition in my life, okay?
It's hard enough.
Every once in a while,
a shepherd has to pluck
a sheep from the herd
and challenge him.
It let's the man know
he's worthy of leading.
Well, you know what?
I don't want to be
a shepherd anymore.
You're not the shepherd,
dumb ass.
I'm the shepherd.
It's called
an analogy, moron.
Look, you don't
understand.
Everything was going
so well between us.
Oh, clearly.
I'm sure you're
just days away
from adopting
a Chinese kid together.
It's not that difficult.
Use what you've learned
and defeat me.
If you can't do that, you know,
you don't deserve her anyway.
I paid you
for this class.
And you're getting
your money's worth.
Game on, Roger.
As far as Amanda knows,
my name is Dennis
and I'm a successful surgeon.
You are a successful
meter maid.
So may the best man win.
This is really an amazing club.
Thanks for bringing us here.
Well, just take it
easy on me.
These aren't the knees of
a spring chicken, you know?
Please, that sounds
like a setup, mister.
Well, at least leave
the hands alone,
because I'm in surgery
all day tomorrow, okay?
Deal.
What are those?
Oh, those are, uh,
frozen lemon towelettes.
They tend to overdo it here.
Just a little.
Could you pass me one of
those lemon towelettes?
Roger, hey.
What are you doing here?
Well, you know,
I thought I'd drop by,
hit a few balls.
Is this your dad?
What? No.
No, this is Dennis.
Dennis, um,
is a friend of mine.
This is Roger.
He lives in my building.
Hey, Roger.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hello, sir.
Dahmer plays tennis?
I got to see Dahmer
play tennis.
Oh, you know, I've been
known to mess around a bit.
I have an idea- why
don't we play doubles?
- Yeah.
- Absolutely.
- Play girls against guys.
- Are you sure?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on, it's be fun.
Now, I don't want
to be an intrusion.
No, no. Come
on, join us.
Oh... okay, great
Nice one.
I loved the dad comment.
There's more where
that came from... Dennis.
All right, let's go,
Billie Jean.
Let's see what
you've got.
First fault.
Sorry.
That sucked.
All right, hey.
It sucks.
Be careful, Dennis.
Ooh, sorry.
Double fault.
You all right,
Dennis?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
DENNIS:
Love-15.
Watch your ass, Roger.
Ooh, nervous.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Dennis.
Oh, man. I am so sorry.
I thought
I had it.
You want to take
a break?
That's cool. It happens.
Roger, can I talk
to you for a second?
Yeah.
Everything all right?
Yeah, of course.
That was a mistake.
Sorry about that.
You know, Dennis
and I are just friends.
Yeah, I understand.
That's cool.
Okay. So this isn't
a jealousy thing?
Amanda, I'm fine.
You can be friends
with whoever you want.
Okay, just checking.
But he is kind of old.
He's a widower; be nice.
Sure you're okay, Dennis?
Oh, yeah,
I'm fine; fine.
You know, actually, I think
I'm gonna stand back here.
Sorry about that.
Brand-new racket.
Still getting used to it.
It's all right.
No problem, Roger.
- Ow!
- Roger!
Do you have
a problem with me?
- Yeah, a big problem.
- Hey...
Hey! Hey! Hey! You guys!
Stop it! Break it up!
Roger, get off him.
Get off him!
Listen.
I know what's going on, and
I think it's awful, okay?
I am sorry, Dennis.
You don't deserve
to be treated this way.
It's okay, sweetie,
it's not your fault.
You owe him an apology.
Ow!
Dennis! Oh, my...!
Becky, get some help.
Totally unnecessary.
Deep breath.
Did you really
tackle him?
He challenged me.
He threw down
his racket.
Is he okay?
What?!
Dr. P-
did you hurt him?
No, he's fine.
It makes no sense.
I mean, Dr. P could have
any woman in the world,
why would he go after
your girl?
Because he's sick.
He thinks this whole thing
is a game.
I don't know.
You know, ever since I started
taking this class,
things have been
going pretty well.
It's like Dr. P says-
I want the tit.
It's true, we all do.
I've got two chicks back at
my place who think I'm Moby.
Not to mention, Dr. P
is one of the smartest
people in the world.
I mean, if he wants
to go out with Amanda,
maybe it's for the best.
What are you
talking about?
You don't really have a lot
of choices, do you, Rog?
I'm just gonna tell her.
What are you
going to tell her?
Everything-
I'm gonna tell her
who he is, tell her
about the class...
The class is
top secret, Roger.
You know that.
Besides, Lesher
might rape you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hey, wait.
Wait, what are you
talking about, Eli?
Why would you
even say
something like that, Eli?
It's just an idea
of something bad
that might happen.
Look, you guys don't get it.
I don't want
him near her.
This isn't even
about me anymore.
- What was that about, huh?
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Why would you even
bring that up? -I'm sorry.
Use your brain.
I s-slipped up.
Not cool, dude.
Okay. As far as I'm concerned,
this meeting never happened.
- Got it?
- Yeah.
- Great.
- Okay.
I knew he was
a psycho from day one.
You know, because I get
a sense from people,
and he had an energy
that was just,
it was so...
like, loser-ish.
OFFICER:
Yeah.
Is there any other
sense you got?
Wow, this guy is a
piece of work, huh?
Yeah, I found this
on my nightstand.
This is creepy.
I've got to tell you,
there's no doubt in my mind
you will be murdered.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Hey, partner.
Check it out.
Excuse me.
Here you go-
one chamomile tea.
Thanks, Dennis.
Don't worry-
everything's going to be okay.
I'm here.
I know.
OFFICER: I just have
a few more questions.
Is anything missing?
Yeah.
Kind of
embarrassing, but...
all of my
underwear is gone.
Oh.
Well, first of all,
don't be embarrassed.
It happens.
Uh, secondly, um...
can you, uh,
describe them for me?
Um... you know,
were they thongs,
Dutch cuts, full backs...?
Is that really necessary?
I could describe mine.
Um, oh, wait, I
don't wear any.
What's going on?
Just keep your hands
where I can see them, sir.
Wait, what happened?
What are you guys
doing here?
They're policemen.
What do you think
- they're doing here?
- What?
Come on, Roger, we
know you broke in.
- Look at this.
- Wait, hold on.
I know these guys.
They're not cops.
- All right, buddy, come on.
- Ow!
What are you doing?
Ernie?
ERNIE:
Just try to stay calm, sir.
Look, I did not do this.
I would never do this.
You know that.
I was weak, all right?
I wasn't happy with who I was,
so I took a class...
from him.
From Dennis?!
His name's not Dennis,
it's Dr. P.
Textbook paranoid behavior.
I've seen it a million times.
You guys, come on, tell her.
Dewey, it's okay, baby.
Go back to your
room, honey.
Oh, he's probably scared.
Dewey?
Oh, my God.
Sweetheart, what did
they do to you?
Okay, who the hell
painted the goddamn dog?
- Pretty awesome, right?
- No, not awesome.
- Jesus fucking Christ.
Do you have any idea
- what this dog's been through?
- Amanda, I didn't do that!
Let's go, buddy.
No, I'm not going!
Oh, my God.
- All right, calm down.
- Easy.
- Nice and easy, sir.
- Come on down.
- I got you.
- Stay back.
Deep breaths.
Deep breaths.
Okay, I got him!
I got him!
Oh!
Hey, Roger, uh, what do you
think of the uniforms?
Pretty authentic, huh?
I thought you guys
were my friends.
Whatever, man.
I guess we all
can't be lions.
Yeah, at this point, uh,
I'd say you're
more like a...
like an emu.
Good one, Ernie- emu.
Hey, uh, hey, emu,
check it out.
Ow!
This stuff is awesome.
Ah!
God!
Ow!
ERNIE: Goddamn it!
Ow!
Today's lesson
is dressing the part.
Right now, you look
like a bunch of idiots,
but we're going to fix that.
This is called hair gel.
Learn how to use it.
Another thing-
from now on, we wear sunglasses.
Whether it's day or night,
inside or out,
no one ever sees your eyes.
A little mystery
never hurt anybody.
Yes, Eli?
Um, how, uh, come
you don't wear sunglasses?
Because I'm not you.
Excuse me, sir.
We have a little bit
of a situation outside.
Hey!
What are you doing?!
Good evening, gentlemen.
You got to be
shitting me.
My name's Roger Waddell.
And I'm exercising my authority
per statue 8-12...
Why don't you
shut the hell up
and unhook my goddamn car!
I can't.
You see, my chalk stick
confirmed a three-inch intrusion
into the traffic lane.
And then there's the matter
of four unpaid priors.
You are so dead.
Which brings us
to the broken headlight.
Scuffed headlight.
So...
unpaid tickets,
towing and storage.
And that comes to
a grand total of
$1,663.00.
You have ten days to pay it.
I'm everywhere now.
I'm like the wind.
Ow!
"Dear Sergeant Morehead,
"I have tried
to hold back my feelings,
"but I can't go on like this.
"I am in love with you.
"And it's clear
you feel the same way.
"We need to figure out
a way to be together.
"Without you,
I'm like an empty vase
waiting for my Spanish rose. "
Sergeant, I swear...
Roger, this happens to be one
of the most beautiful letters
I have ever read.
But I'm not that way.
I didn't write
the letter.
Please. You signed it,
it has your
return address on it,
and you sealed it
with a unicorn.
Sergeant, can't you see?
I'm being set up.
That would be quite an elaborate
setup, don't you think?
No, not really.
All you need is a stamp
and a unicorn sticker.
Look, Roger,
I'm flattered, really I am.
But the department has
some pretty strict rules
on sexual harassment.
I'm going to have to let you go.
You're not listening!
I didn't write
the letter!
I'm sorry.
After you empty your locker,
you can turn your uniform
and your sneakers in to Manny.
You know what?
You can have
the uniform.
But I'm keeping the sneakers.
Yeah! That's what
I thought, man!
That's what I thought.
What?
Go back to work!
- Right, Monty?
- Right.
Right, Monty?
Whatever.
Thanks for meeting me.
I come here a lot.
It's quiet-
helps me think.
I lost my job
yesterday.
Yeah, sorry about that.
It was a shit job anyway.
But, hey, I got good news.
I'm offering you a truce.
Seriously, Roger.
I mean, enough is enough.
Fine.
Just... leave
Amanda alone,
and you'll never
see me again.
Well, here's the thing:
it's not that easy.
Normally, I'm not
the type of guy
who falls in love with a chick.
It's not what I do.
But with Amanda,
something just clicked.
You barely
even know her!
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
take it down.
Act like a man,
will you?
Sorry, buddy, but, uh,
I got to see
where this thing takes me.
Here.
What is this?
It's a refund.
It's half your tuition.
Why half?
Well, you did learn something.
Hell, you even kissed my girl.
I don't want
your money.
Just trying to be
a gentleman, all right?
You don't want me
to take the gloves off, Roger.
I got to go.
d d
Yeah, what is it?
Uh, yes,
I'm looking for
Lonnie Ratcliff.
Is he here?
Who the hell are you?
Hi. My name is
Roger Waddell.
I was wondering if I could
talk to you for a minute.
And what would that be
pertaining to?
Um, Dr. P.
Go ahead, shoot me.
Come on, do me.
Do me.
Right now.
No.
I'm not here to hurt you.
Lie, lie and lie some more.
You don't understand.
I'm here because
I need your help.
I want to know what
Dr. P did to you.
Why?
Because I think he's doing
the same thing to me.
You allergic to cats?
I used to be a pilot
in the Air Force.
They called me the Hawk.
Yeah, I was hell on earth,
but you'd never know it.
Hey, you want
a biscotti?
Uh, no thanks.
I don't blame you.
They're addictive.
So, uh, you served
in Grenada?
Yeah. There's a war that
the media ignored, huh?
I guess it wasn't sexy
enough for them or whatever.
Hey, come on, Jerry,
off of there.
Off of there,
come on.
Anyway, when I got back,
there was nothing-
no parades,
no celebrations.
I had nothing.
Nothing except Gina.
Was that your girlfriend?
No, she didn't even
know I existed.
But I used to watch
her... a lot.
Dr. P was going to
teach me how to get her.
Well, did it work?
Actually, it went
pretty well at first.
We started dating,
even talked about
getting a place together,
down at the shore.
She's real pretty.
Eh.
My little squirrel-
that's what I used to call her.
'Cause of the way
her tooth come down
over her lip like that.
Dr. P thought she
was cute, too.
Guys like Dr. P, they can
have anyone they want.
And?
What do you mean "And"?
Look around- I live
in a shit hole with 50 cats.
I'm sorry, I...
Jesus Christ.
I guess I meant, you know,
how did he do it?
Who knows?
He suckered her in
with some bull crap story
about his wife dying.
And he told her he was
some fancy-pants doctor.
Took her down to a medical
conference in Miami-
a medical conference which
did not exist, by the way-
and she went for it,
hook, line and sinker.
Poor Gina.
Worst part about it is,
three months later,
he dumps her.
She was devastated.
What's this?
This is just some information
I've been collecting about him
over the past nine years.
You know,
where he eats,
where he sleeps,
phone records, et al.
Keep it- maybe
it'll help you.
Actually, I have a better idea.
Why don't you come back
to the city with me?
I can really use
your help.
Oh, no; no can do.
Come on, we can
take this guy- Lesher, too.
Lesher?
Yeah.
He raped you, didn't he?
Huh?!
Lesher raped
you, right?
No.
No, I just think
he's a jerk.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, me, too.
I think he's a jerk, too.
I don't know what
his... problem is.
What?
No. Nothing.
d I'm gonna get free,
I'm gonna get free d
d I'm gonna get free d
d Ride into the sun d
d She never loved me d
d She never loved me,
she never loved me d
d Why should anyone? d
d Come here, come here,
come here d
d I'll take your photo for you d
d Come here, come here,
come here d
d Drive you around the corner d
d Come here, come here,
come here d
d Move out to California! d
This is unbelievable.
Okay, big deal.
So Dr. P uses a lot
of different identities.
And so he's done
some bad things.
So what?
We've all done stuff
we're not proud of.
Look...
I had this guy I know
over at the parking bureau
run his information.
Turns out,
Dennis Sherman- Dr. P-
bought two first-class tickets
to Miami.
So?
So...
I think he's
taking Amanda.
So?
So...
I have to find out
when they're leaving
and stop them.
But I can't do it alone.
Look, Dr. P
is our teacher,
and we love him.
Plus, he's helped us out,
a lot.
Helped you?
You guys, look at yourselves.
Do you think
you look cool?
Yeah. I'd say
we look pretty cool.
Okay, fine.
I admit it,
you look cool.
But do you
actually think
that after taking
a few classes,
you suddenly are cool?
Whatever, Roger.
We got to go.
Eli-
Let's go.
Yo.
This isn't right.
Come on, Eli.
Do you really
want to risk everything?
Roger's been there for us.
He took down Lesher
and gave us back
our dignity, remember?
Look, we just can't
walk out of here.
I mean, what if I'm next?
Would you guys just, uh,
leave me hanging out there
to get picked off?
Would you want me to leave you?
Is that really
the life we deserve?
We've got one condition.
We're not dealing
with Lesher.
Let me worry about Lesher.
Weird, huh?
Living all the way
out here in the suburbs.
What do you mean?
I don't know.
I'd have pegged Dr. P
for living in Manhattan.
I mean, a rich,
powerful bachelor
could do a lot of
damage in the city
I'm living proof.
All right.
Heads up.
What's he doing?
Going to his car.
Stay down.
Honey...
Oh! What do we
have here?
What is it?
Oh, you're going
to love this, Roger.
I'm sorry, Agent Stryker,
and, um, um...
This is
Agent... Gaylord.
Right.
Agents Stryker
and Gaylord.
We really cannot release
that kind of information.
Lois,
for the last time,
this is a matter of
national security.
You do care
about national security,
don't you, Lois?
LOIS:
Of course. Yes.
But if you could
just imagine, if I...
She's not
listening.
Print out the
passenger list, please.
I'm not allowed to.
Let me ask you
something, Lois.
Do you ever watch
the show 24?
Yes.
Well, think of this as a
real-life version of 24,
only our version
would be called-
what, I don't
know- One.
Don't look around,
Lois; look at me...
...and print out
that list.
It's time to be
part of something bigger.
I want to.
But...
No, shh,
shh, shh...
No, no.
No buts.
Just print.
Eli, what do you got?
ELl: Your suspicion was
absolutely correct.
Talk to me.
Passenger list confirms two
first-class tickets to Miami-
one for Dennis Sherman,
the other for Amanda.
Flight leaves
tomorrow morning.
Good work.
It's on.
We're just going
to a medical conference.
It's so not a big deal.
Besides, he's gonna be
working most of the time.
It just seems like
a big step.
It's not even a step.
It's just, I don't know,
I want to get away from
all this craziness for a while.
All right.
Hello.
Your ride is here.
All right, I'll be down
in two minutes.
Take your time.
Ah, you look good.
Hello, Lesher.
Remember me?
Oh, damn.
It's okay.
Easy!
Easy, big guy!
Shh...
Shh...
All right, I will.
Bye.
Hi, Rose.
Hi.
Good morning, ma'am.
JFK, right?
Yes, yes.
Amanda Richards?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
right, right.
ELl:
Check, check, check, one-two.
All systems are go.
How are we looking, people?
This is the Walrus.
The cigar shop
is open for business.
ELl:
Copy that, Walrus.
Falcon. Come in, Falcon.
What's your status? Over.
This is the Falcon.
I'm on the move.
JFK, please.
This is Road
Force One.
We are heavy
and rolling.
LONNIE:
This is the Hawk.
Lesher has been neutralized.
We're heading north
out of the city.
Excellent.
We'll see you at the rendezvous.
No can do.
This is where I get off.
What are you talking about?
Lesher and I have
our own little score to settle.
I'll catch you on the flip side.
Hawk.
Come in. Hawk.
So, Lesher, tell me,
you ever been
to Peekskill?
I can't understand
what you're saying.
You got to go slower.
Take a breath.
It's all gonna be okay.
Excuse me.
I think we just missed
the, um, exit for the airport.
Oh, he didn't tell you?
Dr. Sherman has
a surprise for you.
There's someone very special
he wants you to meet.
We'll be there
in ten, Walrus.
Copy that, Road Force.
Got my peepers on the party.
Will alert
if there's any movement.
Going somewhere?
Check that out.
It's got your
whole life
and all the terrible things
you've done to people.
Oh, and, uh...
what's this?
Look at that.
Looks like somebody
didn't die, did they?
In fact,
that looks like you with
Mrs. Dr. P-
aka your wife
for the past
15 years,
aka suck it!
You are busted!
Yeah.
Son of a bitch, you did it.
Goddamn it.
You actually did it.
I challenge you to become a man,
and here you are
sticking it to me
like a champion.
What are you
talking about?
Well, don't you get it, Roger?
The master's program-
you passed.
I don't believe you.
Oh, really?
How do you explain this?
That's Amanda's
first-class ticket
to Miami.
The other one's yours.
"Roger Waddell. "
Just consider it
a graduation present, Roger.
But...
what about all this stuff?
Wait, Lonnie said...
Lonnie who?
You don't mean
Lonnie Ratcliff?
That idiot.
He spent three years
in the 'tard hatch.
Yeah, but his,
his story was...
was just like mine.
Of course it is.
I did the same
damn thing to him.
The difference is, you rose to
the occasion and he fell apart.
I never said
my class was easy.
So... Lonnie...
never showed up
to the airport.
He thinks you flew off
with his girlfriend.
Exactly.
Truth is, I sat here
for two hours like an asshole
and ate a Cinnabon
and went home.
Oh, no! Amanda!
She's on the way
to your house.
To meet your wife.
Listen, my wife
knows the drill.
She can make her pancakes
while you fly solo to Miami,
or you can get her here.
There's still time.
Oh, and by the way, Roger,
the girl loves you.
She just doesn't know it yet.
Diego, it's Roger.
Abort mission.
I repeat, abort mission.
What are you
talking about?
Bring Amanda straight to the
airport- you got 25 minutes.
Hey, Rog, I don't think
I can make that.
Just drive!
You might want
to hold on.
Look, Dr. P, I...
Barry.
Oh, all right. Barry.
I don't know what to say.
Well, it doesn't happen
very often, but...
every once in a while,
I actually teach someone.
Thank you.
Oh, and hey, Roger.
Remember that night in the bar,
when you made that joke
about maybe someday
you'll teach the class?
Look me up when you get back.
Sorry if the ride
was a little bumpy.
Have a nice flight.
Let me go, please.
Take care.
God.
Let me have a Johnnie Walker.
Make it neat.
It's a good day, huh?
Going to Miami.
d d
d d
Hi.
There she is.
Sorry I'm late.
I had the craziest driver
on the way here.
Oh, don't worry, sweetheart.
We got time.
You know which gate?
d d
Diego,
where is she?
What are you talking about?
I dropped her off
ten minutes ago.
Which terminal?
The one on our itinerary-
terminal four.
Hey, Rog?
Rog, you still there?
Slow down, sir.
Come on through.
Can you remove
your shoes, please?
You're okay.
d d
And how does a glass
of champagne sound?
Sounds great.
And for you?
I'm fine, thanks.
You sure?
Yeah, maybe later.
Amanda!
Amanda!
ROGER
Wait!
Do you hear that?
No, I didn't
hear anything.
Okay.
Hold the door!
Wait!
Uh, sir...
Sir, um...
Excuse me,
excuse me.
Amanda...
Oh, my God.
You need to get
off this plane.
Listen, pal, I don't know
where your pills are,
but this ends now, okay?
Call security.
Uh, sir, could I
please see your ticket?
I don't have a ticket!
Okay?
Yeah, we need security
at gate 31. Now.
Listen to me-
this is a bad man.
Why are you
doing this, Roger?
Because you need
to hear the truth.
I'm not crazy.
I never broke into
your apartment.
And I never
spray-painted your dog.
I would never do that.
Sir, I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave...
Don't touch me.
You know, I know people
you can talk to.
We can get you help, okay?
You know...
You don't...
understand.
Calm down.
You're not...
listening.
Just breathe.
Breathe deeply.
Oh, God.
Jesus Christ.
It's okay.
It's just a panic attack.
He gets these a lot.
Of course he does.
Um, he's a doctor.
You gonna check on him?
I- I'm gonna get some ice.
Okay, everybody just,
uh, remain calm, and, uh,
we'll get this situation
under control.
Okay, everybody stand back.
Now what?
Where are you going
with this, Roger?
It's your move... Doctor.
Quick, he's not breathing.
Bring me the paddles.
Are you sure?
Yes, I need to shock him.
Come on, get them.
Okay.
Sir, give me a sock.
Quick. I don't want him
choking on his tongue.
Come on, stay with me.
Stay with me, stay with me!
Okay, this is
your last chance, Roger.
I'm not bluffing.
Okay.
Hand me the paddles,
come on.
Quick.
Are you sure?
Shouldn't we try
something else first?
Yes, I'm sure.
Here we go-
1,800 volts
of pure electricity.
Clear!
Sir, you don't have
the current engaged.
Are you sure you know
what you're doing?
Yes, I think I know
what I'm doing.
Obviously,
somebody didn't turn...
Aren't you supposed
to turn this thing on?
Turn it on.
Come on.
Wait.
He's breathing.
You back off.
I'm doing this, okay?
What do you mean, "back off"?
He's breathing.
I said stay back.
Just back off!
Please.
Why are you doing this?
Oh, my God.
You aren't even
a doctor, are you?
Who's a lion
now, bitch?
What?
Everything you said
is true, isn't it?
How could you?
Oh, please.
Amanda, look, I did it
for his own good.
You broke into my apartment,
you spray-painted my dog?
Well...
Oh, my God.
Is your wife even dead?
Not technically, but
I can explain that.
You make me sick!
Ow!
Get it off!
Get it off you!
Roger! Oh, my God.
Roger, can you hear me?
You okay?
No. I can't feel my chest.
Is-Is something burning?
I think it's you.
I'm so sorry for getting
you into any of this.
That's okay.
Everything's gonna be
all right.
Amanda...
Yeah?
I totally
love you.
I know.
You're gonna be okay.
I like it here.
It's quiet.
Helps me think.
So how have
you been?
Not too good.
My wife found out
about everything.
Everything?
It's been a bad month.
It didn't have
to go this far.
I always push things.
It's who I am.
So, uh, how is, uh...
She's good.
So why'd you call me?
I have something for you.
It's the first diploma
I've ever given out.
Congratulations.
Wow.
Thanks.
You know,
I was thinking, um...
I don't know, if I...
if I get the class,
you know, up and going again,
you know, maybe you could
drop by sometime
as, like, a guest speaker
or something.
Yeah. I don't know.
It's not really my thing.
Besides...
you know what they say:
"Those who can, do,
"and those who can't,
teach. "
But you already knew that.
Right.
I got to get going.
d I fell down
in the desert, baby d
d Yeah d
d I had nothing
but a piece of paper d
d Oh, yeah d
d I had to write
something down d
d And I found myself alone d
Hey, what's going on?
Well, well, well.
Good morning, sunshine.
Thinking there for a second we
weren't going to get you back
to the land
of the living, huh?
All right, listen up,
'cause I'm not going
to repeat this.
Here's how the game works.
You get a 15 minute head start.
If I were you, I'd try to find
a weapon of some type.
Definitely shelter,
though to be honest,
there ain't much
to work with down here.
Temperatures drop
way below freezing when the sun
goes down,
so you might want
to make a fire.
Downside of the fire is
it's real easy
for me to spot you
from the air with that.
d Then I let go
of everything d
d Into another dimension d
All right,
here's how this works.
You get
an eight-minute head start.
So I suggest
you get moving.
It's all right,
come on.
It's okay,
don't be scared.
Go ahead.
Oh, Lesher...
there's poison ivy
all over the place,
so watch it
with the short sleeves.
All right?
Ooh!
No, that's what
I'm talking about.
You're gonna get...
d Oh, yeah d
d Lightning crash
on the hill tonight d
d Yeah! d
d And I got a feeling
everything is gonna be d
d All right d
d Then a horse
came running to me d
Yay!
Congratulations,
honey, you win, you're fat.
Would you like
a big, fat medal?
Put it back.
d Then a storm began to blow d
Mazel tov.
d Into another dimension d
d Purple haze is in the sky d
d See the angel's wicked eye d
d All these things we must try d
d Till we see the reasons why d
d Oh, yeah d
d d
d I got lost
in the desert, baby d
d Yeah d
d I found temples
made out of paper d
d Oh, yeah d
d They were drumming
with golden bones d
d Building dreams up
out of their homes d
d Then I let go of everything d
d Into another dimension d
d Yeah d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d
d d