Secret Admirer (1985) Movie Script
- Hey, Michael.
- Hey, girls.
What are you guys doing here?
You going home?
Well, I'll go with you.
What timing.
So, what are you guys
gonna do tonight?
- Not much.
- Kappa Omega party.
Oh, yeah, Kappa Omega.
I heard about those dudes.
Aren't they the big homo house?
I suppose one might try
to poke fun at it...
...if one were insecure
about one's own masculinity.
Yeah, I hate guys like that.
They're so immature.
Hey, beautiful, want a ride?
No, thanks, Steve,
I'll just walk.
Oh, Michael, you're so mature.
- See you tonight, Ton.
- Bye, Deb.
So, slick,
what are you gonna do tonight?
Does she really like that guy?
Debbie, I think, likes the idea
of going out with older guys.
Yeah? What about you?
Me? Oh, I have no standards.
I'd even go out with you.
Toni,
we've been friends too long.
Besides, I do have standards,
so that'll never happen.
Homo.
What if I grew a mustache?
Do you think Debbie would go out
with me if I grew a mustache?
Well, I don't know.
Can you?
Well, if you can do it, I can.
Dickhead, we were waiting
for you in the parking lot.
Come on. We got some crucial
partying to do at your place.
- See you, Toni.
- Bye, Michael.
- Hi, Toni.
- Hello, Roger.
Come here.
Do you got a ride?
No, actually, I don't.
Gee, that's too bad.
Party!
Bologna? Peanut butter?
Yeah, but forget
that strawberry shit.
Bring the boysenberry syrup.
And white bread.
Whole-wheat makes me fart.
We know.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Do you have any brie?
Come on, you homo.
Come here, you guys. Help me
carry some of this stuff.
Come on.
How am I gonna-hey.
Open sesame.
Party!
- Brewski!
- Beer!
Brew!
All right!
Summer!
Ah, summer.
Great. I got no job.
I got no woman.
I got no money.
I'll probably be spending
the next 3 months with you guys.
Oh, I'm depressed, fellas.
Uh-oh. Barry's depressed.
Yeah, right. Listen to this.
"Three international banks...
"predict dire consequences
for the European community...
"if the dollar
takes a sudden plunge. "
You're too fucking weird
for words, Ricardo.
You're abusing this magazine,
Ricardo.
This magazine isn't for reading.
It's for beating off.
Well, what do we have here?
- Hey, guys, give me that.
- What?
- Give me the envelope.
- The envelope, sir.
Baby.
Come on, Michael.
You guys are a bunch of fucking
assholes, you know that?
It's obvious that nobody has
any respect for a man's privacy.
- Thank you, Roger.
- No problem.
Holy shit. Listen to this.
"I don't know how to tell you
what I want to tell you...
"so I'm writing it down.
"I'll never find the nerve
to give you this letter anyway.
"When I look at you, I can't
take my eyes off of you. "
Kirkpatrick, did you write this?
You wish.
"I long to have
your arms around me...
"and feel your body
against mine. "
Whoa, radical.
"I know you don't feel
like I do...
"which is why I don't have
the courage to sign this.
"But I just love you
more than words can say.
"X-X-X...
"O-O-O...
"X-X-X."
Michael, who wrote this?
I haven't even seen
the letter yet, dog-breath.
Boy, I sure know
who I wish it was from.
Yeah, Deborah Anne Fimple.
Oh, come on.
No way.
She goes out with college guys.
Yeah, that's exactly
what she wants us to think.
When they want you the most,
that's when they want you...
...to think they want you
the least.
Wait a minute.
Somebody's in love with Michael,
and we don't know who it is.
Quite a grasp
of the situation there, Douglas.
Why would a great girl
like Fimple...
...go out with a yahoo like him?
Hey, wait a minute, you guys.
Now, what makes us
so sure that the Fimple...
...would not go out
with a yahoo like Mike?
Reality.
Has she ever turned him down
for a date?
No, and you want to know why?
Because he has never
asked her out for a date.
And if a girl
like Deborah Anne Fimple...
...were actually in love
with Michael...
...she wouldn't ask him out.
She'd wait for him
to ask her out.
And maybe-just maybe-
...she's been waitin' all year.
Gentlemen,
as far as I can see...
...there's only one way
to find out.
It's gonna take
a pretty gnarly pair of 'nads.
Kappa Omega party...
...tonight.
There's Jocko's car.
Yeah, I can see the car, Rog.
- What the hell is that?
- Moose head.
Where is she?
I'll find her. She's got to be
in here somewhere.
Eureka.
Here.
Second floor balcony,
up to the right.
Shit,
he's got his hand on her ass.
That should be my hand.
All right, you guys.
It's not gonna be easy in there.
It's gonna be dangerous.
Some of us might get hurt.
Some of us might not
even come back...
...but that's the risk
we got to take...
...for our compadre, Miguel.
And Doug, Barry, Kirkpatrick,
and myself are very proud...
...that you will be taking
that risk with him...
...while we monitor
your every move...
...right here
from command headquarters.
What, you guys ain't going?
The man's a genius.
All right, Miguel. It looks
like it's just you and me.
Supplies.
Better drink it.
All of it.
Delta chi. Sigma cum laude.
What's happening?
Oh, my God, Oh, my God.
Here she comes, here she comes.
So, you want something?
Yeah, a tiny sandwich
and a cocktail.
OK. I'll take care
of the gorilla.
The rest is up to you.
- Hey, aren't you Steve Powers?
- Yeah.
Don't you drive
a little red Alpha?
Well, I think I saw
some guys breaking into it.
- What?
- Yeah, when I was coming up.
Looks like they were cutting
into the convertible.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, about four or five
of the biggest dudes I ever saw.
Hey, guys, somebody's breaking
into my car. Come on, come on.
Michael,
what are you doing here?
- Hi.
- Are you all right?
I got a letter today-
a really nice one.
Well, that's nice, Michael.
"When I look at you,
I can't take my eyes off you. "
What did you say?
I said, "When I look at you,
I can't take my eyes off you...
"and when you look at me,
I have to turn away...
"because I'm afraid you might
see how much you mean to me. "
Michael, are you drunk?
"I long to have
your arms around me...
"and feel your body
against mine. "
Are you crazy?
"It makes me want
to be near you.
"You're not like
anybody else at all.
"You're too wonderful for words.
"I know you don't feel
like I do, but I just love-"
What the fuck do you think
you're doing here?
What am I doing here?
Well, who can say, Steve?
Now, that's a question we ask
ourselves every day, isn't it?
I said, what the fuck
do you think you're doing here?
Oh, Michael, there you are. I've
been looking all over for you.
- Did you invite this guy?
- Steve, he's a great dancer.
Here's a good song.
You want to dance?
Nice talking to you, Steve.
Hey, asshole.
No, not you, the other asshole.
One more crack out of you,
Wisenheimer...
...and I'm going to butter
your necktie.
Well put, Rog.
Hey, Leon, stop them!
Grab those guys!
Great. There's Roger
and Michael-running.
There's eighty guys
coming this way.
- Egads!
- This is a great party.
- Start the car.
- Open the back.
Start the car!
We're going to fucking die!
Hurry up! Hurry up!
Come on!
Hurry up! Come on, man!
Slow down, Ricardo!
Hold on! We lost Roger!
We lost Rog!
Pussies!
Hold on!
What the hell's he doing?
What the hell are you doing?
- Uh-oh.
- Shit!
Steven, long time no see.
Hold on!
The asshole's
gonna run the fence!
Holy shit!
Oh, shit! Look at that!
All right!
Aw, shit!
Out of my way!
Let me out of here!
Women and children first,
you fuck.
Thanks.
Rog, what are you doing?
Let's get out of here!
You better keep running,
you wimps!
Hey, they left us
some beer, guys!
Michael,
what are you doing here?
Come on,
you want to do something?
Are you all right?
What happened?
Everything. Come on,
I'll tell you about it.
- Now?
- Yeah, now.
Shh! Be quiet.
You'll wake my father.
Shh! Be quiet.
You'll wake your father.
I can't believe I said those
things to Deborah Anne Fimple.
I mean, why didn't I just
walk up to her and say...
"Hey, Debbie, I'm an asshole"?
Well, I think she knows.
Fucking Roger. Jesus,
how could I believe that guy?
Telling me
that Deborah Anne Fimple...
...wrote me a love letter.
Jesus Christ.
She wrote you a letter?
I bet it was Ricardo.
I'm going to kick his ass.
- What did this letter say?
- Everything I said to Debbie.
It sounded pretty good to me.
It wasn't good. It was great.
It was the best thing
I ever read.
It was like
"Tender is the Night"...
...or "The Way We Were. "
Ricardo's dead meat.
You know, this isn't really
that comfortable.
- Oh, here.
- Oh, thanks.
What a night.
We thrashed Roger's van.
You know,
maybe the letter's real.
Maybe somebody
really is in love with you.
I just wish I knew
why I loved her so much.
I mean, I think about her
all the time.
She's so beautiful.
Everything about her.
She's perfect.
I hate Steve Powers.
She's probably letting him
feel her up right now.
- Ouch.
- I'm sorry.
Well, I guess
things could be worse.
I mean, I could be
at the hospital...
...having Steve's fist
removed from my larynx.
Thanks for saving me.
If you're so gaga about Debbie,
why don't you call her up...
...tell her to dump Steve
and give you a shot?
Yeah, right. After tonight?
You could always
write her a letter.
I hate writing.
Besides, she'd just tear it up.
Well, not if she didn't know
who it came from.
- What do you mean?
- Well, don't sign it.
Just have somebody else
give it to her.
And this way,
if she doesn't like it...
...she'll never even know
who wrote it.
You could give it to her.
Naw. I don't know.
Well, I'll see you.
You're really a good friend.
"Dear Debbie...
"You are so... "
"so... "
Shit.
"I long to have
your arms around me...
"and feel your body-"
Whoa, radical!
- Morning, sweetheart.
- Hi, mom.
What are you doing up
so early?
Summer vacation-
got a lot to do.
Like what?
Bunch of guys
are meeting at the park.
Got to try to pick up
some women.
What are you gonna do with them
after you pick them up?
I don't know.
What did Dad use to do with you?
Stuff I hope you won't try
until you're a lot older.
What's that?
- Breakfast.
- Looks disgusting.
It's good. Want to try?
I'm gonna fix you
some eggs and toast.
No, Mom, the guys are waiting.
Got to go.
- Jeffrey.
- Mom, I got to go.
Honey! You'll need some money
to buy a decent lunch.
OK, Mom, but a decent lunch
could be pretty expensive.
No tacos.
Gracias, seora.
Oh, my God.
Morning, dear.
Morning.
- What's the matter?
- I got something in my eye.
What is that?
- Breakfast.
- That looks disgusting.
- Want me to fix you something?
- No, thanks, I'm in a hurry.
I'll just catch a doughnut
at the office.
You have class tonight?
Yeah, right.
It's Thursday. Yeah.
Will you be home right after?
Honey, I'll try.
I just don't know.
I may have to stay after.
I'll get home as soon as I can,
but don't wait up.
You just go to bed,
and I'll slip in quietly.
You lying son of a bitch.
How could you?
Mom?
You OK? What's the matter?
Oh, it's the mailman.
He said he'd be here at 8:00,
and he's not here.
Nobody keeps their word anymore.
They're all lying bastards!
Hi, Michael. How you doing?
My mother's in there crying.
I hope you're happy.
Mom.
Everything's OK, Mom.
I don't think
he's going to be late again.
Thank you, Michael.
- Hello, Elizabeth.
- Hi, George.
Oh, George, could I borrow
your textbook for a second?
Tonight, we're going to cover
the two types of costs...
...associated with
manufacturing processes.
That would be "variable"
and "fixed. "
There's a chart
in your textbooks on page 98...
...that will help illustrate
what I'm talking about.
Everyone have the page?
You'll notice on the graph that
the variable contributions...
...to profit on each item
will be such...
...that the break-even point
will be obtained...
...when "x" number of units
are produced.
Now, that break-even point...
...is solely determined
by your costs.
Now, variable costs include
direct material, direct labor...
...and overhead applicable
to each individual unit.
Who in the class would like
to define "fixed costs" for us?
No one wants to define
"fixed costs?"
Michael, over here.
Toni, I'm sorry I'm late,
just...
...writing this thing
just took forever.
I don't know.
I think it's pretty good.
I don't know.
just give it to her.
What's that?
Oh, that's just the thing
for School Afloat.
You're gonna spend
your senior year on a boat?
I leave on the fifteenth.
I didn't know you were gonna
do this. Why didn't you tell me?
I just did.
- Ready to order?
- Yeah, I am. Michael?
No, no, no, I'm too nervous.
I couldn't eat anything.
You go ahead.
I'll have a meatball sandwich
and another Pepsi.
- Good enough.
- Oh, wait a minute.
I'll have a Pepsi, too.
Pepsi. Anything else?
No, no. Well, uh...
...you're having
a meatball sandwich?
Make it a meatball sandwich.
Meatball sandwich.
That's two meatball sandwiches
and two Pepsis. Is that it?
You don't feel like having
any pizza, do you?
Give me a small-
No, no, no, make it a medium.
In fact, give me a large pizza.
That's two meatball sandwiches,
two Pepsis...
...and a large pizza.
Everything on it?
No, no, just cheese.
And olive.
And mushrooms.
And sausage.
Everything.
Hold the onions.
God, when are you gonna
give this thing to her?
Are you going
to give it to her tonight?
How am I gonna eat
all that food?
Before we go,
I just want to say one thing.
I know all of you work very hard
during the day...
...and I'm sure
that you could think...
...of some more exciting ways
to spend your evenings...
...but remember that the degree
that you earn in here...
...can spell more money
for you out there.
No sacrifice, no reward.
That's it. Thank you.
I think we better talk.
I'll help you any way I can,
George.
What are you
having trouble with?
I just-Elizabeth, my God.
I mean, sooner or later...
...you have to ask yourself
if it's worth it.
Yes, George, it is.
You've got guts.
George, it's not that hard.
You just have to be willing
to spend the time.
I know, I know, but I'm married.
I am, too, but I'm really
taking the time...
...and it's well worth it.
There's this great sense
of accomplishment.
Wait. You've been
through this before?
George,
I've been doing this for years.
George,
are you worried about Connie?
You have the most
understanding wife in the world.
You just have to give her
a little time.
You know, I had that problem
with Lou in the beginning.
At first,
they're a little threatened...
...but that's only natural,
and then they get used to it.
And after a couple of years...
...they get behind it
a hundred percent...
...once they realize
what a really good thing it is.
My God.
Where have I been?
We've known each other
a long time.
Don't back out now, George.
You're absolutely right, Liz.
We have known each other
a long time...
...and I can't deny that I haven't
felt like this, too...
...but I never thought that you,
Elizabeth-
I'm-I'm sorry.
I'll call you next week.
This is good.
I think this is good.
I think you're right.
Thank you.
I know it's a long shot...
...but if this letter thing
does work out...
...and I do get
to go out with Debbie...
...how do you think
I should handle it?
Handle what?
Come on, Ton, she's going out
with Steve Powers.
That dude's twenty years old.
She's gonna expect something.
Michael, are you saying
that you don't know what to do?
No, no, no, no.
I know what to do.
I just don't want
to do too much.
Then again,
I don't want to do too little.
I want to do
what she expects me to do.
I think that you have to let
these things happen naturally.
Well, Toni,
I'm not a natural guy.
That's true.
Michael, I don't know.
I think if it's meant
to happen...
...between two people,
it'll happen.
You can't push it.
Right.
Toni, look,
can I tell you something?
But you got to promise
not to tell anybody. Anybody.
I promise.
Well, if you have to get
absolutely technical...
I've never really done it.
Oh, come on.
What about you
and Carol Lombardo?
What about me
and Carol Lombardo?
The field trip. She spent
the night in your tent...
...told everybody
you guys went all the way.
Yeah, well, Carol Lombardo's
idea of going all the way...
...is talking about it
all night long...
...then falling asleep
before the big bang.
You never did it?
- Really?
- Really.
Carol Lombardo really bragged
about that night.
I know I'll never forget it.
I've never done it, either.
Oh, get out of here, Toni.
Roger's my best friend.
He tells me everything.
I went out with Roger
exactly two times.
Well, according to Roger...
...it wasn't the quantity of time
you spent together.
It was the quality of time
you spent together.
Apparently, it was
pretty high-grade stuff.
What exactly did he say?
Come on, Toni,
that's between you and Rog.
It's none of my business.
- What did he say?
- Toni, don't.
He just said
you guys were kissing and stuff.
His exact words, Michael.
He said that you boffed
his brains out in his van.
Thank you. Come again.
Have a nice night.
Hey, thanks, zitface!
Zitface. They called
our friend zitface.
Oh, God, they're so unkind.
Come on, you guys.
Would you quit screwing around?
I'm trying to work here.
I have to pay for my van,
which Duran Duran here thrashed.
Welcome to the Dancing Burger.
Can I take your order, please?
Roger, is that you?
Yeah. Who's this?
I hear
you're quite a ladies' man.
Ladies' man? Zitface?
Yeah, well, you heard right.
Why don't you cruise up
to the window...
...so's we can take
a better look at you?
Well, I'll come up just as soon
as you tell me one thing.
Did you tell your friends...
I boffed your brains out
in your van?
I thought so.
This is so cool.
Toni, not my van!
Come on, Toni!
You're gonna regret this!
I just got it fixed
the other-no, Toni!
Please don't do this to me!
Oh, no, no!
You're gonna regret it!
Toni, I'm gonna kill you!
Don't-
Roger, come back here!
Toni, don't do that to me!
You got work to do.
- No, Toni!
- Get in here!
Oh, there's my dinner!
Boy, is she pissed.
The exact phrase
I was searching for.
Go, baby!
Jesus!
You're one gutsy virgin.
It's none of your business.
"My dearest darling...
"I love you
more than yesterday...
"and more than all
of yesterday's tomorrows. "
"Nothing is as dear to me
as are you"?
Oh, Michael, this is dog-doo.
"Love is the flower of time...
"and every petal that falls...
"is an eternal moment
without you"?
Jesus, what'd you do,
go to a greeting-card store?
"I have finally found
the courage...
"to write you a letter. "
"You may never know...
"who I am...
"but that hasn't stopped you...
"from giving me...
"the greatest gift...
"I've ever known. "
Idiot.
"If for just one brief moment...
"I could feel your lips
against mine... "
"I would die a happy man. "
I'm in love. I think this
is the most beautiful letter...
I've ever read
in my entire life.
It's even better than the one
I got from Jimmy Wyatt.
He was so in love with me.
But this, this is so...
You got to tell me who wrote it.
I can't.
- Toni, you're my best friend.
- I am?
Well, close enough.
Goddamn it,
tell me who wrote it.
Debbie, I promised. I'm sorry.
I hate you.
- Anybody home?
- In here, Mom!
Hi, Toni. How are you?
- Fine, Mrs. Fimple. How are you?
- Good. Hi, sweetheart.
Where's your father?
He pulled a night shift.
The one night I don't teach.
I can't stand it.
Who wrote the fucking letter?
I think it's time for me to go.
Toni, how can you
stand in the way?
I could very possibly...
...be extremely in love
with this person.
I mean,
he's obviously in love with me.
- Well, what about Steve?
- Well, what about Steve?
Well, Debbie, I heard that
you were boffing his brains out.
What? Who told you that?
Do you know Roger?
Works at the Dancing Burger,
drives a beat-up van?
Oh, that little shit.
Well, anyway,
you're going out with Steve.
I thought
that was pretty serious.
How can anyone be serious about
a stupid jock like-Steve!
- Hi, Steve.
- Ton.
- Bye, Deb.
- Hi, babe.
Hi, Steve.
That's my name, honey,
don't wear it out.
Hey, how about a kiss
for old Stevie, huh?
Come and get it.
Is your old man home?
Take your hands
off my daughter, fruitlips.
Hi, Mr., uh, Lt. Fimple.
How are you, sir?
OK, Jocko.
What about yourself?
Holy shit.
You're getting pretty big.
What you curling these days
besides your hair, handjob?
Daddy.
One-fifteen,
three sets of ten, sir.
- What's two and two?
- Daddy!
Just kidding, Steverino.
- One more thing, loverboy.
- Oh, God.
You get her pregnant,
I'll blow your dick off.
Daddy!
I want to die.
- She really liked it, huh?
- Yes, Michael.
She really liked it.
Did she say,
"I really like it"?
Michael, she loved it, OK?
She loved it. Whoa.
I think I ought to write her
another one. What do you think?
You think I ought to write her
another one?
Jesus.
Please, Toni,
you got to tell me who this is.
All right.
You want to meet him tonight?
- Hello?
- Hi, it's me.
Do you want to meet her tonight?
Tonight?
You mean, "tonight" tonight?
Tonight.
Yeah, sure, OK.
Does she know who I am?
No. That's why
she wants to meet you.
- I'm ready. What time?
-8:00? McCambridge park?
OK, thanks a lot, Toni.
Thank you so much...
...and what do you think
I should wear?
A paper bag over your head.
He's all yours.
Oh, God!
Thank you so much, Toni.
You're really my best friend.
What do you think
I should wear?
Something demure.
Oh, Christian Demure.
I got tons of her stuff.
How are you?
Look, Michael,
I'm waiting for someone, OK?
- So if you don't mind...
- Yeah, well, it's me.
- What's you?
- I'm the one you're waiting for.
Michael,
I'm really not in the mood, OK?
I wrote the letters.
The ones Toni gave you.
I wrote 'em.
You?
Holy shit.
Last week when you kissed me...
- I never thought that-
- Neither did I.
But that letter, George...
I know, I know.
It was so filled with emotion.
- Oh, yes, it was.
- Well, maybe we should-
I don't know. Do you want to?
Maybe we should just...
...have a cup of coffee.
Coffee, that's good.
That's very good.
A cup of coffee,
that's very good.
Here.
Let me carry those books.
Oh. Thank you.
I don't drink coffee.
Neither do I.
- Are you hungry?
- Well, I am, yes.
Oh, thank you, George.
Ryan.
George Ryan.
Lousy scumbag.
Do you believe this?
No, I can't believe it.
Well, I can't stand it.
Oh, God, she's touching him!
I'm gonna kill myself.
They're waitin'
on a burger here.
How did he get
Deborah Anne Fimple?
I don't know, but if Michael
can get a date with her...
I guess it's pretty obvious
who's gonna be next in line.
Yeah, right.
Oh, God.
I mean, I have never read
anything like those letters.
I just fell in love with them.
Your feelings
are so amazingly beautiful.
And to be able to put them...
...and write them down
on paper like that...
I think you're a poet.
What did you mean
when you said...
I'd given you the greatest gift
you'd ever known?
Well...
...naturally, I was referring
to the whole giving concept.
You know, the concept of giving.
That's a wonderful concept.
God, Michael.
I just-well, you know.
And this is like...
I mean...
...what if you had never
written those letters?
I would be out with Steve
tonight.
Miguel, compadre, how you doin'?
Do you get the chili burger...
...or does this one belong
to the lovely lady?
That goes to the lady, Rog.
Thank you.
Put it down, Roger.
Debbie, you probably
don't remember me...
...but I was in your biology class
last year.
My name's Roger,
Roger Despard, Jr.
I sat in the back.
You remember me?
Roger,
do you drive a beat-up van?
That's me!
Put this in your big mouth,
you lying little shit!
Nice goin', G.I. Joe.
People just shouldn't
shoot their mouths off...
...about things they know
absolutely nothing about.
- What'd he say?
- It's not important.
He said I boffed
Steve Powers' brains out.
He did?
- Yeah. Toni said he did.
- Toni said he did?
What's wrong?
People just shouldn't
shoot their mouths off...
...about things
they don't know anything about.
Michael,
are you taking me to Kough Park?
Great.
I hate you, Michael.
I love you, Michael.
You know, I haven't been
up here since 1965.
Yeah. It hasn't changed much.
No, except now they know
about birth control.
Let's hope so.
Are you ever sorry
you didn't marry Ed?
Everybody thought
you two would get married...
...right after high school.
No. Not after I met Lou.
Lou was it for me.
Yeah. That's pretty much
the same for me and Connie.
I like Connie.
I like her very much.
Yeah, she's great.
She really is. And I like Lou.
The thing about Lou...
I mean,
he's just not your average...
I like Lou.
Lou likes you, too.
I'll kill 'em.
Turn on your lights, asshole!
What the hell are you doing?
Hey, ass-
- Oh. Hiya, Steve.
- Have you seen Debbie?
- Have you seen Debbie, Lynn?
- No.
Hey, what-hey!
David, come back in here!
Steve! Steve, I have been
looking all over for you.
- Out of my way, Toni.
- What are you doing?
- She's out with another guy.
- Oh, hi, Steve.
I'm gonna find him and I'm gonna
kick the shit out of him.
Steve, forget Debbie.
There's lots of other girls
out there...
...who would treat you a lot better
than Debbie does.
- Yeah? Like who?
- Like me.
Can't you, uh...
...can't you feel
my heart pounding?
Yeah. You got
a pretty big heart there.
You, uh...
you wanna go somewhere?
Yeah, sure. Why not?
My car's right over there.
Let's go.
You know something, Ton?
I have always liked you.
All the classes
were over an hour ago.
Oh, I think my husband
just got home.
Thank you very much.
- Lou.
- Connie, we have to talk...
...but first you gotta promise me
you're gonna be strong.
We both have to be strong.
It's about George.
Bastards.
We shouldn't be here.
George, we shouldn't be here.
We're happily married.
You're right.
Please don't stare at me
like that.
I can't help it,
I can't help it.
You're so beautiful.
I've wanted you
ever since I first saw you...
...in your drill-team uniform.
George, why didn't you
do anything about it then?
Because...
Because I was a chickenshit.
- Oh, my God!
- I knew it. What?
- Oh, my God!
- What-I'm sorry.
My daughter is in the next car.
Oh, my God. Oh, God, oh, God.
So is my son.
- George, George.
- What?
We have to get out of here
right now.
- OK, let's go.
- Do you think they saw us?
I don't know.
- Hurry, George.
- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!
George, George, George, hurry.
Oh, Lou, I can't believe this.
It's OK, baby. We're gonna
put a stop to this right now.
Shit! We missed them.
They were right here
in this spot! Damn it!
You OK, Con?
Oh, Louis,
what are we gonna do?
I don't know, baby. I...
...don't know.
You know, I haven't been
up here since 1965.
Hasn't changed much.
After you.
So...
...this is where you live, huh?
Usually you gotta be a junior
to have a room like this.
Hey, you want a beer?
Oh, no, thanks.
You got some kind
of birth control with you...
...or do you want me
to wear a rubber?
Steve, is there
a bathroom around here?
I've got something with me.
Yeah, right there.
Yeah, Steve, wear a rubber-
wear it over your face.
Oh, shit.
Can you hear me in there, Toni?
I think you better
wait a minute.
Look, Toni, I don't think
this is gonna work.
I mean, I like you, I think
you're a very nice person...
...but, I mean,
it just doesn't feel right.
I mean, I'm in love with Debbie.
And I wish I wasn't, but I am.
I mean, hell,
I got feelings, too.
But I just don't think
that you and I should...
...you know, I just don't think
that you and I should, uh...
I mean,
I just don't think we should.
Unless, of course, you really
had your heart set on it...
...because, you know,
I can understand that, too, Ton.
How could they do this to us?
You'd be surprised
what people can do, Connie.
I see it every day.
Sometimes I find myself
saying to myself...
"Lou, how can people do
the things they do?"
I guess they're just-
...they're-they're just
plain weak, Connie.
I sure never thought Liz was.
I mean, twenty years,
and I never cheated on her once.
I never even looked
at another man.
First, I wanted to kill 'em-
my wife and my friend.
My husband and my friend.
What the hell we gonna do,
Connie?
Fuck 'em.
Oh, God, yes!
Oh, Liz hardly ever does that
anymore.
My son's in the next car!
Holy shit!
He's with my daughter!
Oh, my God, Lou,
what are you doing?
Get back in here.
Want them to see us?
Get in here! Get down!
We gotta get out of here.
I don't mean to be a tease...
...but this is the first time
we've been together...
...and I don't think
it's right this soon.
Right.
Right, it's too soon.
- Would you hand me my bra?
- Yeah, sure.
Oh, thank God.
He's not here.
Son of a bitch.
Thanks, Lou.
Holy shit!
You rotten, low-life,
son of a bitch!
Oh, my God.
You know,
I have never gone out...
...with a guy
in my own grade before.
Yeah, neither have I.
How old are you?
Seventy-one, seventy-two.
You know, I can't remember.
I'm getting so old.
You're sixteen, aren't you?
Well, if you wanna get
absolutely technical...
Oh, God! I'm a cradle robber.
Well, come on. I'm gonna be 17
a week from Saturday.
Really? A week from Saturday?
Yeah.
That's a very big day for me.
From then on out,
it's adios, diapers.
Bonjour, rubber pants.
Oh, shit. There's daddy.
Call me tomorrow?
Promise?
- I had a great time.
- Yeah.
Really.
Lyin' bastard, son of a bitch.
That scumbag piece of shit.
Good evening, Mr. Fimple.
Fuck you.
Hi, Ton. It's Debbie.
You gotta help me.
It's Michael's birthday
Saturday...
...and I wanna give him a party.
Your parents are still
out of town, aren't they?
Well, I was wondering if
we could have it at your house.
It won't be a big one, and
I will take care of everything.
- I promise you.
- No.
Oh, Toni, please?
You know I can't have it here.
You know how my dad is.
Plus they're having
bridge club that night.
Debbie, I can't.
I promised my parents.
Oh, please, Toni?
Please, please, please?
You won't even have
to give him a present.
Your house will be the present.
He's taking me out tonight, and
I want to be able to tell him.
Oh, you gotta say yes.
I'm in love.
Oh, please?
Oh, all right.
Thanks, Ton.
You look great.
I hope so.
I cannot believe how much money
I spent shopping today.
I saw this great movie
last night.
I must've gone to every single
store in the city.
I must've walked
at least ten miles.
And then I found
the most darling boutique...
...you've ever seen in your life.
Actually, that's where
I got these gloves.
But they had
the most darling accessories...
...and jewelry you would die for.
These earrings I saw
came down to about here...
...with rhinestones and pearls.
I should've gotten them.
I think I'll go back for them.
But then I went to I. Magnin's.
I mean, they have
absolutely everything...
...and I bought the greatest dress.
God, it is so beautiful.
It's got all this taffeta
with little pleats.
Comes down to right about here.
The shoes were the killer.
Took me forever to find a pair
that would go with it.
I went to Capezio's,
Jourdan's, Bullocks...
...and then I finally found these
at Henshaws...
...and they go with everything,
just about.
Those are great.
And I love that top.
Oh, this old thing?
I got this weeks ago.
Boy, was that a day.
Unbelievable.
Must've walked
fifteen miles that day.
There's a lot more
to shopping...
...than just going out
and buying stuff.
I mean, not only do you have
to know where to go...
...but you have to know when to go.
Day after Christmas is
the best day of the whole year.
And that's when you get
all the best deals.
You can get a whole new wardrobe
for half price.
Last year, I-who is it?
Now, take Toni, for instance.
I like Toni a lot.
Don't get me wrong.
She does not know
the first thing about clothes.
I mean, she could be
so much more attractive...
...if she just paid a little more
attention to what she wore.
Boy, I am so hungry.
I must've walked
twenty miles today.
Well, they say food is
a substitute for a lack of sex.
Did you see "Doctor Zhivago"
last night?
Yeah! That was the movie I saw.
I loved the part
where Rod Steiger-
It was the best ever.
I mean, Julie Christie's
clothes are un-
Fuck! Shit! Goddamn it!
Fucking shit!
These are my brand-new pants...
...and I cannot fucking believe
I did this!
Fucking shit!
I have to go to the bathroom.
Would you get me some club soda?
Excuse me! Fucking shit!
Damn it!
Can I have some club soda,
please?
- Anything else?
- No.
What'd you do to Debbie?
She spilled something
on her pants.
- Tragedy.
- No kidding.
Fifty cents.
Aw, that little shit!
Toni, can I borrow
some money, please?
Sure.
Thanks. I'll pay you back.
I promise.
Forget it.
I'll see you Saturday.
Hi. Excuse me.
Could you do me a favor?
Did you see a girl go in there
with a stain on her pants?
Where's
the Goddamned club soda?
I'm sorry, Michael.
I guess
I wasn't much fun tonight.
No, it's OK.
I had a lot of fun.
I'll make it up to you
on your birthday.
I promise.
You're probably
asking yourself right now...
...why your younger
and much smaller brother...
...is apparently
borrowing money from you.
You little shit!
But, Mike!
Mike, don't do it!
- Mike! Mom!
- Give me the money.
Here. Take it.
What are you gonna do?
Not in mom's rosebushes!
- Hello.
- Hello, Liz.
It's-it's George.
Can you talk?
I can talk.
Oh, God, your voice sounds
so beautiful over the phone.
I've been thinking about you
all week, too.
Well, me, too, George.
But, I just-look, Liz...
I just don't know
how it's gonna work.
I mean, I just don't know
how it's gonna work.
It can't. It can't.
I like Connie too much.
God, and I like Lou.
And we're just not
these kind of people, George.
Oh, God. I know. Jesus.
Sometimes I wish we were.
I know. I know.
So...
So that's it then.
We're doing the right thing,
George.
Yeah, yeah.
I know. I know we are.
Well, then I'll...
I'll see you around sometime.
I'll see you Saturday.
Goddamn! OK, Liz, if you're
willing to take a chance...
...so am I. Goddamn it!
I'll meet you Saturday
any place, any time.
No, George!
It's bridge club Saturday.
You and Connie
are coming to our house.
Holy shit.
Bridge-bridge club?
It's OK. It's OK, George.
We didn't do anything.
Well...
Saturday. See you then.
Lieutenant Fimple, vice.
I can't go through with it, Lou.
Neither can I, Con.
We're just not like them.
I've given it a lot of thought.
Something inside me
keeps saying...
"Hey, Fimple, what the hell
you think you're doing?
"You got a wife and kid.
You're a detective.
"Isn't that supposed
to mean something?"
Sure it does,
but that doesn't mean...
I don't think you're
an attractive woman, Connie.
You are.
A damn attractive woman.
If this thing inside me weren't
saying what it was saying...
I'd be saying
something else right now.
Lou, shut up. I'm talking
about Saturday night.
OK, fuck 'em. They're doing it
to us, we'll do it to them.
Saturday's fine by me.
Where do you wanna meet?
Lou, I'm talking
about bridge club!
Bridge club is Saturday night!
We're having it at your house!
You and me, him and her,
all together...
...at the same house
at the same time!
Bridge club. Right.
That'd be the perfect time...
...to blow this whole thing
wide open.
Having a good time?
Yeah, it's great.
You can't imagine
how much work it is...
...putting one of these things
together.
I really appreciate it.
You know, Toni,
this whole thing's kinda weird.
You know,
Debbie and Michael going out.
She's always going out
with these guys from college.
Now she's throwing him
this big party...
...and, you know, for a present,
I heard she's gonna...
Oh, boy.
She's gonna what?
What's she gonna give Michael?
Look, if I tell you, you gotta
promise not to tell anybody.
Oh, I don't care. Forget it.
All right,
I'll go ahead and tell you.
Later tonight, she's gonna...
Well, they're gonna do it.
She's gonna go all the way
with him. Some present, huh?
Wow.
Wish it was my birthday.
All right!
Make a wish.
All right!
Speech! Speech!
Speech for Michael.
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
I'd just like to thank
Mr. Quincy Jones.
That is what I call having
your cake and eating it, too.
Ha! We win, you lose.
OK, winners move up,
losers move down.
Well, here we all are.
Uh, at the winner's table.
I guess we're all doing
pretty well tonight.
Yeah, I guess so.
Elizabeth, you've really
outdone yourself on the affairs.
On the hors d'oeuvres!
You lying piece of shit!
What'd I say? Wait a minute!
I said hors d'oeuvres!
- You said affairs!
- Lou, for God's sake!
I meant hors d'oeuvres!
Oh, yeah?
It isn't what you said!
I don't know what I said!
I was being polite!
Polite?
I'll show you polite!
All right! Break it up!
Stop it, Lou!
Can you imagine
what they are doing right now?
Unbelievable.
Now, Michael.
Now.
- Ow!
- What's the matter?
Nothing.
Move down a bit.
- Debbie, what's wrong?
- It hurts.
- What do you want me to do?
- Do it right.
I thought I was.
Here. Try again.
- This isn't gonna work.
- Yes, it is.
- Try it again.
- I don't want to.
What are our friends gonna think
if we don't do it?
I don't give a shit
what they think.
Well, I do. I told
a lot of people about this.
Michael,
when you get down there...
...you act like it was the best
experience you've ever had.
I don't want anyone
to know about this... Ever.
- Hey, guys, look who's back.
- Whoa. Wait a sec.
Thank you all for making
Michael's birthday...
...such a fabulous success.
No problem.
Thanks, Toni.
Don't tell me what we did!
I know what we did,
and we didn't do anything!
Don't tell me what
you didn't do because I know!
Oh, I suppose you were there?
As a matter of fact, I was!
What are you talking about?
What do you mean you were there?
Since when did you start
spying on people?
Since always!
It's my job! I'm a cop!
- No, I don't wanna hear it!
- But I didn't-
I don't wanna talk about it!
That is a great idea, because
there's nothing to talk about!
That's right! There's nothing
more to talk about!
- I want a divorce!
- What? Damn you.
You're out of control now.
You've lost your mind.
I can't believe you're doing
this to me. After 20 years-
Goddamn it!
I didn't do anything to you!
How many times
do I have to say that?
Until you find somebody
dumb enough to believe it!
Damn it, I'm telling you
the truth. Nothing happened.
Oh, nothing.
"When I look at you,
I can't take my eyes off you. "
I don't call that nothing.
"I long to have your arms
around me and feel your body. "
Look,
I didn't write that letter.
Jesus christ, Mom! What are you
doing with my letter?
I can't believe this!
Doesn't anybody have any privacy
around here anymore?
Your letter?
I got it on the last day
of school. Is that OKwith you?
Can you stay out of my stuff?
I can't believe this!
You can't even trust
your own parents anymore.
I'm gonna get a guard dog
and a bazooka.
This is just wonderful.
Perfect ending to a perfect day.
You know, some people
still believe in love!
Some people
still believe in marriage!
And some people
still believe in trust!
Ha! That's a laugh!
How could you say that
after what you've done?
I'll never trust you again!
What are you talking about?
Nothing happened!
Will you listen to me?
This is what I'm talking about!
"If for just one brief moment...
"I could feel your lips
against mine...
"I would die a happy man. "
You call this nothing?
Daddy, that's my letter!
How could you?
Your letter?
Michael wrote this letter to me!
How could you read it?
I will never forgive you
for this. Never!
Aw, honey.
What are you doing here?
Are you busy?
The party's over, Michael.
Well, can I come in for a while?
Why? What's wrong?
Debbie and I.
I don't know.
I think I made a big mistake.
Well, you know, as fascinating
as that subject is to me...
...it's late,
and I want to go to bed.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
What are you so upset about?
Oh, nothing much.
See, I gave this party
tonight for a friend...
...only there was this
big highlight to the evening...
...and I didn't know what it was.
But what it turns out to be
is a couple of friends...
...screwing in my parents' bedroom!
Well, the next time you're
gonna do something like this...
...do you mind telling me first?
I don't like being used!
Toni, I didn't know
that was gonna happen.
- Well, everybody else did.
- Well, not much happened.
Yeah. Not much.
Nothing happened, OK?
Nothing happened.
Well, then what were you
doing up there?
Look, it didn't happen!
I'm not supposed
to tell anybody this...
...because she wants
everybody to think...
...that we had
this wonderful experience.
But that's not even
what I came here for.
Well, am I supposed to guess?
Would you go out with me
sometime?
What?
I think we ought to go
on a real date.
You and me, together.
What the hell happened
to Debbie?
I don't know what the hell
happened to Debbie!
I don't know.
It just wasn't what I thought
it was supposed to be.
I expected her to be like...
...you.
You know, when we have
a good time together.
That's what I expected,
but it wasn't like that.
All right, so she's the most
beautiful girl in school.
For all I know, she's the most
beautiful girl in the world.
But you can only look
for so long.
'Cause when you start
listening...
...man, all the lights are on,
but nobody's home.
Toni, you and I have been
friends for a long time.
And I like being with you
more than with anybody else.
You probably don't even
feel like that towards me.
Look, maybe we're
overlooking something here.
Maybe we should go
on a real date.
Just to see, you know?
What do you think?
I think you just won
the asshole-of-the-year award.
Over on this side.
I just wanna know one thing,
Michael.
Where's the man
who wrote these letters?
Debbie, I'm sorry,
but I gotta be honest with you.
I just, uh-
Whose are these?
Oh, that's cruel, Michael.
That's really cruel.
Where'd you get these?
From the man
who I thought I loved.
I didn't write these.
These aren't the letters
I wrote to you.
You're such an asshole!
When Steve
gets a hold of you...
I would hate to be
in your shoes.
Hello, is Toni there?
This is Michael.
Oh, hi, Michael. Toni's outside
helping her dad load the car.
I have to talk to her.
I'm sorry, Michael, but we're
leaving in about two minutes.
You're leaving?
You mean, Toni's leaving?
She's going
on the School Afloat.
But wait a minute.
I need to talk to her.
- I need to see her.
- Her boat leaves in an hour.
She'll be gone for a year.
You'll have to write her
a letter.
I'm sorry. They're honking
for me, honey. Gotta run.
Oh, Toni, Michael just called
to say good-bye.
Thanks.
Don't leave! Wait, Toni!
Toni, wait!
Wait a minute!
Shit.
Hey, come on. Hey, hey.
Hey, wait a minute!
Give me a ride.
Come on,
somebody give me a ride.
Hey, give me a ride!
Come on.
Oh, God, am I glad to see you.
Listen, you gotta get me
to the harbor right away.
I've been looking for you, Mike.
I'm gonna kick your ass.
No, wait a minute.
Steve, you don't understand.
You can kick my ass later.
I promise.
Debbie told me everything,
you little prick.
You broke my nose!
Steve, I'm sorry.
You son of a bitch,
you broke my nose!
Jesus. Are you all right?
I don't know.
You got to see a doctor.
Shit! I gotta borrow your car.
Hey! Wait a minute!
Hey, where are you going?
Hey, what about my nose?
Excuse me!
Sir, excuse me. Could you
tell me where School Afloat is?
School Afloat?
Go right down this road
four or five lights...
...and you turn left,
and you go up, uh...
Where was it you said
you wanted to go?
Excuse me, sir! Could you
tell me where School Afloat is?
Don't forget to write, honey.
Toni, wait! Hey!
Wait!
Stop!
Wait!
I know you wrote the letters!
Michael, what?
The letters!
I know you wrote 'em!
Don't leave me! I love you!
What?
I love you!
Do you love me?
What difference does it make?
But do you love me?
Yes! Does that make you
feel any better?
- Hey, girls.
What are you guys doing here?
You going home?
Well, I'll go with you.
What timing.
So, what are you guys
gonna do tonight?
- Not much.
- Kappa Omega party.
Oh, yeah, Kappa Omega.
I heard about those dudes.
Aren't they the big homo house?
I suppose one might try
to poke fun at it...
...if one were insecure
about one's own masculinity.
Yeah, I hate guys like that.
They're so immature.
Hey, beautiful, want a ride?
No, thanks, Steve,
I'll just walk.
Oh, Michael, you're so mature.
- See you tonight, Ton.
- Bye, Deb.
So, slick,
what are you gonna do tonight?
Does she really like that guy?
Debbie, I think, likes the idea
of going out with older guys.
Yeah? What about you?
Me? Oh, I have no standards.
I'd even go out with you.
Toni,
we've been friends too long.
Besides, I do have standards,
so that'll never happen.
Homo.
What if I grew a mustache?
Do you think Debbie would go out
with me if I grew a mustache?
Well, I don't know.
Can you?
Well, if you can do it, I can.
Dickhead, we were waiting
for you in the parking lot.
Come on. We got some crucial
partying to do at your place.
- See you, Toni.
- Bye, Michael.
- Hi, Toni.
- Hello, Roger.
Come here.
Do you got a ride?
No, actually, I don't.
Gee, that's too bad.
Party!
Bologna? Peanut butter?
Yeah, but forget
that strawberry shit.
Bring the boysenberry syrup.
And white bread.
Whole-wheat makes me fart.
We know.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Do you have any brie?
Come on, you homo.
Come here, you guys. Help me
carry some of this stuff.
Come on.
How am I gonna-hey.
Open sesame.
Party!
- Brewski!
- Beer!
Brew!
All right!
Summer!
Ah, summer.
Great. I got no job.
I got no woman.
I got no money.
I'll probably be spending
the next 3 months with you guys.
Oh, I'm depressed, fellas.
Uh-oh. Barry's depressed.
Yeah, right. Listen to this.
"Three international banks...
"predict dire consequences
for the European community...
"if the dollar
takes a sudden plunge. "
You're too fucking weird
for words, Ricardo.
You're abusing this magazine,
Ricardo.
This magazine isn't for reading.
It's for beating off.
Well, what do we have here?
- Hey, guys, give me that.
- What?
- Give me the envelope.
- The envelope, sir.
Baby.
Come on, Michael.
You guys are a bunch of fucking
assholes, you know that?
It's obvious that nobody has
any respect for a man's privacy.
- Thank you, Roger.
- No problem.
Holy shit. Listen to this.
"I don't know how to tell you
what I want to tell you...
"so I'm writing it down.
"I'll never find the nerve
to give you this letter anyway.
"When I look at you, I can't
take my eyes off of you. "
Kirkpatrick, did you write this?
You wish.
"I long to have
your arms around me...
"and feel your body
against mine. "
Whoa, radical.
"I know you don't feel
like I do...
"which is why I don't have
the courage to sign this.
"But I just love you
more than words can say.
"X-X-X...
"O-O-O...
"X-X-X."
Michael, who wrote this?
I haven't even seen
the letter yet, dog-breath.
Boy, I sure know
who I wish it was from.
Yeah, Deborah Anne Fimple.
Oh, come on.
No way.
She goes out with college guys.
Yeah, that's exactly
what she wants us to think.
When they want you the most,
that's when they want you...
...to think they want you
the least.
Wait a minute.
Somebody's in love with Michael,
and we don't know who it is.
Quite a grasp
of the situation there, Douglas.
Why would a great girl
like Fimple...
...go out with a yahoo like him?
Hey, wait a minute, you guys.
Now, what makes us
so sure that the Fimple...
...would not go out
with a yahoo like Mike?
Reality.
Has she ever turned him down
for a date?
No, and you want to know why?
Because he has never
asked her out for a date.
And if a girl
like Deborah Anne Fimple...
...were actually in love
with Michael...
...she wouldn't ask him out.
She'd wait for him
to ask her out.
And maybe-just maybe-
...she's been waitin' all year.
Gentlemen,
as far as I can see...
...there's only one way
to find out.
It's gonna take
a pretty gnarly pair of 'nads.
Kappa Omega party...
...tonight.
There's Jocko's car.
Yeah, I can see the car, Rog.
- What the hell is that?
- Moose head.
Where is she?
I'll find her. She's got to be
in here somewhere.
Eureka.
Here.
Second floor balcony,
up to the right.
Shit,
he's got his hand on her ass.
That should be my hand.
All right, you guys.
It's not gonna be easy in there.
It's gonna be dangerous.
Some of us might get hurt.
Some of us might not
even come back...
...but that's the risk
we got to take...
...for our compadre, Miguel.
And Doug, Barry, Kirkpatrick,
and myself are very proud...
...that you will be taking
that risk with him...
...while we monitor
your every move...
...right here
from command headquarters.
What, you guys ain't going?
The man's a genius.
All right, Miguel. It looks
like it's just you and me.
Supplies.
Better drink it.
All of it.
Delta chi. Sigma cum laude.
What's happening?
Oh, my God, Oh, my God.
Here she comes, here she comes.
So, you want something?
Yeah, a tiny sandwich
and a cocktail.
OK. I'll take care
of the gorilla.
The rest is up to you.
- Hey, aren't you Steve Powers?
- Yeah.
Don't you drive
a little red Alpha?
Well, I think I saw
some guys breaking into it.
- What?
- Yeah, when I was coming up.
Looks like they were cutting
into the convertible.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, about four or five
of the biggest dudes I ever saw.
Hey, guys, somebody's breaking
into my car. Come on, come on.
Michael,
what are you doing here?
- Hi.
- Are you all right?
I got a letter today-
a really nice one.
Well, that's nice, Michael.
"When I look at you,
I can't take my eyes off you. "
What did you say?
I said, "When I look at you,
I can't take my eyes off you...
"and when you look at me,
I have to turn away...
"because I'm afraid you might
see how much you mean to me. "
Michael, are you drunk?
"I long to have
your arms around me...
"and feel your body
against mine. "
Are you crazy?
"It makes me want
to be near you.
"You're not like
anybody else at all.
"You're too wonderful for words.
"I know you don't feel
like I do, but I just love-"
What the fuck do you think
you're doing here?
What am I doing here?
Well, who can say, Steve?
Now, that's a question we ask
ourselves every day, isn't it?
I said, what the fuck
do you think you're doing here?
Oh, Michael, there you are. I've
been looking all over for you.
- Did you invite this guy?
- Steve, he's a great dancer.
Here's a good song.
You want to dance?
Nice talking to you, Steve.
Hey, asshole.
No, not you, the other asshole.
One more crack out of you,
Wisenheimer...
...and I'm going to butter
your necktie.
Well put, Rog.
Hey, Leon, stop them!
Grab those guys!
Great. There's Roger
and Michael-running.
There's eighty guys
coming this way.
- Egads!
- This is a great party.
- Start the car.
- Open the back.
Start the car!
We're going to fucking die!
Hurry up! Hurry up!
Come on!
Hurry up! Come on, man!
Slow down, Ricardo!
Hold on! We lost Roger!
We lost Rog!
Pussies!
Hold on!
What the hell's he doing?
What the hell are you doing?
- Uh-oh.
- Shit!
Steven, long time no see.
Hold on!
The asshole's
gonna run the fence!
Holy shit!
Oh, shit! Look at that!
All right!
Aw, shit!
Out of my way!
Let me out of here!
Women and children first,
you fuck.
Thanks.
Rog, what are you doing?
Let's get out of here!
You better keep running,
you wimps!
Hey, they left us
some beer, guys!
Michael,
what are you doing here?
Come on,
you want to do something?
Are you all right?
What happened?
Everything. Come on,
I'll tell you about it.
- Now?
- Yeah, now.
Shh! Be quiet.
You'll wake my father.
Shh! Be quiet.
You'll wake your father.
I can't believe I said those
things to Deborah Anne Fimple.
I mean, why didn't I just
walk up to her and say...
"Hey, Debbie, I'm an asshole"?
Well, I think she knows.
Fucking Roger. Jesus,
how could I believe that guy?
Telling me
that Deborah Anne Fimple...
...wrote me a love letter.
Jesus Christ.
She wrote you a letter?
I bet it was Ricardo.
I'm going to kick his ass.
- What did this letter say?
- Everything I said to Debbie.
It sounded pretty good to me.
It wasn't good. It was great.
It was the best thing
I ever read.
It was like
"Tender is the Night"...
...or "The Way We Were. "
Ricardo's dead meat.
You know, this isn't really
that comfortable.
- Oh, here.
- Oh, thanks.
What a night.
We thrashed Roger's van.
You know,
maybe the letter's real.
Maybe somebody
really is in love with you.
I just wish I knew
why I loved her so much.
I mean, I think about her
all the time.
She's so beautiful.
Everything about her.
She's perfect.
I hate Steve Powers.
She's probably letting him
feel her up right now.
- Ouch.
- I'm sorry.
Well, I guess
things could be worse.
I mean, I could be
at the hospital...
...having Steve's fist
removed from my larynx.
Thanks for saving me.
If you're so gaga about Debbie,
why don't you call her up...
...tell her to dump Steve
and give you a shot?
Yeah, right. After tonight?
You could always
write her a letter.
I hate writing.
Besides, she'd just tear it up.
Well, not if she didn't know
who it came from.
- What do you mean?
- Well, don't sign it.
Just have somebody else
give it to her.
And this way,
if she doesn't like it...
...she'll never even know
who wrote it.
You could give it to her.
Naw. I don't know.
Well, I'll see you.
You're really a good friend.
"Dear Debbie...
"You are so... "
"so... "
Shit.
"I long to have
your arms around me...
"and feel your body-"
Whoa, radical!
- Morning, sweetheart.
- Hi, mom.
What are you doing up
so early?
Summer vacation-
got a lot to do.
Like what?
Bunch of guys
are meeting at the park.
Got to try to pick up
some women.
What are you gonna do with them
after you pick them up?
I don't know.
What did Dad use to do with you?
Stuff I hope you won't try
until you're a lot older.
What's that?
- Breakfast.
- Looks disgusting.
It's good. Want to try?
I'm gonna fix you
some eggs and toast.
No, Mom, the guys are waiting.
Got to go.
- Jeffrey.
- Mom, I got to go.
Honey! You'll need some money
to buy a decent lunch.
OK, Mom, but a decent lunch
could be pretty expensive.
No tacos.
Gracias, seora.
Oh, my God.
Morning, dear.
Morning.
- What's the matter?
- I got something in my eye.
What is that?
- Breakfast.
- That looks disgusting.
- Want me to fix you something?
- No, thanks, I'm in a hurry.
I'll just catch a doughnut
at the office.
You have class tonight?
Yeah, right.
It's Thursday. Yeah.
Will you be home right after?
Honey, I'll try.
I just don't know.
I may have to stay after.
I'll get home as soon as I can,
but don't wait up.
You just go to bed,
and I'll slip in quietly.
You lying son of a bitch.
How could you?
Mom?
You OK? What's the matter?
Oh, it's the mailman.
He said he'd be here at 8:00,
and he's not here.
Nobody keeps their word anymore.
They're all lying bastards!
Hi, Michael. How you doing?
My mother's in there crying.
I hope you're happy.
Mom.
Everything's OK, Mom.
I don't think
he's going to be late again.
Thank you, Michael.
- Hello, Elizabeth.
- Hi, George.
Oh, George, could I borrow
your textbook for a second?
Tonight, we're going to cover
the two types of costs...
...associated with
manufacturing processes.
That would be "variable"
and "fixed. "
There's a chart
in your textbooks on page 98...
...that will help illustrate
what I'm talking about.
Everyone have the page?
You'll notice on the graph that
the variable contributions...
...to profit on each item
will be such...
...that the break-even point
will be obtained...
...when "x" number of units
are produced.
Now, that break-even point...
...is solely determined
by your costs.
Now, variable costs include
direct material, direct labor...
...and overhead applicable
to each individual unit.
Who in the class would like
to define "fixed costs" for us?
No one wants to define
"fixed costs?"
Michael, over here.
Toni, I'm sorry I'm late,
just...
...writing this thing
just took forever.
I don't know.
I think it's pretty good.
I don't know.
just give it to her.
What's that?
Oh, that's just the thing
for School Afloat.
You're gonna spend
your senior year on a boat?
I leave on the fifteenth.
I didn't know you were gonna
do this. Why didn't you tell me?
I just did.
- Ready to order?
- Yeah, I am. Michael?
No, no, no, I'm too nervous.
I couldn't eat anything.
You go ahead.
I'll have a meatball sandwich
and another Pepsi.
- Good enough.
- Oh, wait a minute.
I'll have a Pepsi, too.
Pepsi. Anything else?
No, no. Well, uh...
...you're having
a meatball sandwich?
Make it a meatball sandwich.
Meatball sandwich.
That's two meatball sandwiches
and two Pepsis. Is that it?
You don't feel like having
any pizza, do you?
Give me a small-
No, no, no, make it a medium.
In fact, give me a large pizza.
That's two meatball sandwiches,
two Pepsis...
...and a large pizza.
Everything on it?
No, no, just cheese.
And olive.
And mushrooms.
And sausage.
Everything.
Hold the onions.
God, when are you gonna
give this thing to her?
Are you going
to give it to her tonight?
How am I gonna eat
all that food?
Before we go,
I just want to say one thing.
I know all of you work very hard
during the day...
...and I'm sure
that you could think...
...of some more exciting ways
to spend your evenings...
...but remember that the degree
that you earn in here...
...can spell more money
for you out there.
No sacrifice, no reward.
That's it. Thank you.
I think we better talk.
I'll help you any way I can,
George.
What are you
having trouble with?
I just-Elizabeth, my God.
I mean, sooner or later...
...you have to ask yourself
if it's worth it.
Yes, George, it is.
You've got guts.
George, it's not that hard.
You just have to be willing
to spend the time.
I know, I know, but I'm married.
I am, too, but I'm really
taking the time...
...and it's well worth it.
There's this great sense
of accomplishment.
Wait. You've been
through this before?
George,
I've been doing this for years.
George,
are you worried about Connie?
You have the most
understanding wife in the world.
You just have to give her
a little time.
You know, I had that problem
with Lou in the beginning.
At first,
they're a little threatened...
...but that's only natural,
and then they get used to it.
And after a couple of years...
...they get behind it
a hundred percent...
...once they realize
what a really good thing it is.
My God.
Where have I been?
We've known each other
a long time.
Don't back out now, George.
You're absolutely right, Liz.
We have known each other
a long time...
...and I can't deny that I haven't
felt like this, too...
...but I never thought that you,
Elizabeth-
I'm-I'm sorry.
I'll call you next week.
This is good.
I think this is good.
I think you're right.
Thank you.
I know it's a long shot...
...but if this letter thing
does work out...
...and I do get
to go out with Debbie...
...how do you think
I should handle it?
Handle what?
Come on, Ton, she's going out
with Steve Powers.
That dude's twenty years old.
She's gonna expect something.
Michael, are you saying
that you don't know what to do?
No, no, no, no.
I know what to do.
I just don't want
to do too much.
Then again,
I don't want to do too little.
I want to do
what she expects me to do.
I think that you have to let
these things happen naturally.
Well, Toni,
I'm not a natural guy.
That's true.
Michael, I don't know.
I think if it's meant
to happen...
...between two people,
it'll happen.
You can't push it.
Right.
Toni, look,
can I tell you something?
But you got to promise
not to tell anybody. Anybody.
I promise.
Well, if you have to get
absolutely technical...
I've never really done it.
Oh, come on.
What about you
and Carol Lombardo?
What about me
and Carol Lombardo?
The field trip. She spent
the night in your tent...
...told everybody
you guys went all the way.
Yeah, well, Carol Lombardo's
idea of going all the way...
...is talking about it
all night long...
...then falling asleep
before the big bang.
You never did it?
- Really?
- Really.
Carol Lombardo really bragged
about that night.
I know I'll never forget it.
I've never done it, either.
Oh, get out of here, Toni.
Roger's my best friend.
He tells me everything.
I went out with Roger
exactly two times.
Well, according to Roger...
...it wasn't the quantity of time
you spent together.
It was the quality of time
you spent together.
Apparently, it was
pretty high-grade stuff.
What exactly did he say?
Come on, Toni,
that's between you and Rog.
It's none of my business.
- What did he say?
- Toni, don't.
He just said
you guys were kissing and stuff.
His exact words, Michael.
He said that you boffed
his brains out in his van.
Thank you. Come again.
Have a nice night.
Hey, thanks, zitface!
Zitface. They called
our friend zitface.
Oh, God, they're so unkind.
Come on, you guys.
Would you quit screwing around?
I'm trying to work here.
I have to pay for my van,
which Duran Duran here thrashed.
Welcome to the Dancing Burger.
Can I take your order, please?
Roger, is that you?
Yeah. Who's this?
I hear
you're quite a ladies' man.
Ladies' man? Zitface?
Yeah, well, you heard right.
Why don't you cruise up
to the window...
...so's we can take
a better look at you?
Well, I'll come up just as soon
as you tell me one thing.
Did you tell your friends...
I boffed your brains out
in your van?
I thought so.
This is so cool.
Toni, not my van!
Come on, Toni!
You're gonna regret this!
I just got it fixed
the other-no, Toni!
Please don't do this to me!
Oh, no, no!
You're gonna regret it!
Toni, I'm gonna kill you!
Don't-
Roger, come back here!
Toni, don't do that to me!
You got work to do.
- No, Toni!
- Get in here!
Oh, there's my dinner!
Boy, is she pissed.
The exact phrase
I was searching for.
Go, baby!
Jesus!
You're one gutsy virgin.
It's none of your business.
"My dearest darling...
"I love you
more than yesterday...
"and more than all
of yesterday's tomorrows. "
"Nothing is as dear to me
as are you"?
Oh, Michael, this is dog-doo.
"Love is the flower of time...
"and every petal that falls...
"is an eternal moment
without you"?
Jesus, what'd you do,
go to a greeting-card store?
"I have finally found
the courage...
"to write you a letter. "
"You may never know...
"who I am...
"but that hasn't stopped you...
"from giving me...
"the greatest gift...
"I've ever known. "
Idiot.
"If for just one brief moment...
"I could feel your lips
against mine... "
"I would die a happy man. "
I'm in love. I think this
is the most beautiful letter...
I've ever read
in my entire life.
It's even better than the one
I got from Jimmy Wyatt.
He was so in love with me.
But this, this is so...
You got to tell me who wrote it.
I can't.
- Toni, you're my best friend.
- I am?
Well, close enough.
Goddamn it,
tell me who wrote it.
Debbie, I promised. I'm sorry.
I hate you.
- Anybody home?
- In here, Mom!
Hi, Toni. How are you?
- Fine, Mrs. Fimple. How are you?
- Good. Hi, sweetheart.
Where's your father?
He pulled a night shift.
The one night I don't teach.
I can't stand it.
Who wrote the fucking letter?
I think it's time for me to go.
Toni, how can you
stand in the way?
I could very possibly...
...be extremely in love
with this person.
I mean,
he's obviously in love with me.
- Well, what about Steve?
- Well, what about Steve?
Well, Debbie, I heard that
you were boffing his brains out.
What? Who told you that?
Do you know Roger?
Works at the Dancing Burger,
drives a beat-up van?
Oh, that little shit.
Well, anyway,
you're going out with Steve.
I thought
that was pretty serious.
How can anyone be serious about
a stupid jock like-Steve!
- Hi, Steve.
- Ton.
- Bye, Deb.
- Hi, babe.
Hi, Steve.
That's my name, honey,
don't wear it out.
Hey, how about a kiss
for old Stevie, huh?
Come and get it.
Is your old man home?
Take your hands
off my daughter, fruitlips.
Hi, Mr., uh, Lt. Fimple.
How are you, sir?
OK, Jocko.
What about yourself?
Holy shit.
You're getting pretty big.
What you curling these days
besides your hair, handjob?
Daddy.
One-fifteen,
three sets of ten, sir.
- What's two and two?
- Daddy!
Just kidding, Steverino.
- One more thing, loverboy.
- Oh, God.
You get her pregnant,
I'll blow your dick off.
Daddy!
I want to die.
- She really liked it, huh?
- Yes, Michael.
She really liked it.
Did she say,
"I really like it"?
Michael, she loved it, OK?
She loved it. Whoa.
I think I ought to write her
another one. What do you think?
You think I ought to write her
another one?
Jesus.
Please, Toni,
you got to tell me who this is.
All right.
You want to meet him tonight?
- Hello?
- Hi, it's me.
Do you want to meet her tonight?
Tonight?
You mean, "tonight" tonight?
Tonight.
Yeah, sure, OK.
Does she know who I am?
No. That's why
she wants to meet you.
- I'm ready. What time?
-8:00? McCambridge park?
OK, thanks a lot, Toni.
Thank you so much...
...and what do you think
I should wear?
A paper bag over your head.
He's all yours.
Oh, God!
Thank you so much, Toni.
You're really my best friend.
What do you think
I should wear?
Something demure.
Oh, Christian Demure.
I got tons of her stuff.
How are you?
Look, Michael,
I'm waiting for someone, OK?
- So if you don't mind...
- Yeah, well, it's me.
- What's you?
- I'm the one you're waiting for.
Michael,
I'm really not in the mood, OK?
I wrote the letters.
The ones Toni gave you.
I wrote 'em.
You?
Holy shit.
Last week when you kissed me...
- I never thought that-
- Neither did I.
But that letter, George...
I know, I know.
It was so filled with emotion.
- Oh, yes, it was.
- Well, maybe we should-
I don't know. Do you want to?
Maybe we should just...
...have a cup of coffee.
Coffee, that's good.
That's very good.
A cup of coffee,
that's very good.
Here.
Let me carry those books.
Oh. Thank you.
I don't drink coffee.
Neither do I.
- Are you hungry?
- Well, I am, yes.
Oh, thank you, George.
Ryan.
George Ryan.
Lousy scumbag.
Do you believe this?
No, I can't believe it.
Well, I can't stand it.
Oh, God, she's touching him!
I'm gonna kill myself.
They're waitin'
on a burger here.
How did he get
Deborah Anne Fimple?
I don't know, but if Michael
can get a date with her...
I guess it's pretty obvious
who's gonna be next in line.
Yeah, right.
Oh, God.
I mean, I have never read
anything like those letters.
I just fell in love with them.
Your feelings
are so amazingly beautiful.
And to be able to put them...
...and write them down
on paper like that...
I think you're a poet.
What did you mean
when you said...
I'd given you the greatest gift
you'd ever known?
Well...
...naturally, I was referring
to the whole giving concept.
You know, the concept of giving.
That's a wonderful concept.
God, Michael.
I just-well, you know.
And this is like...
I mean...
...what if you had never
written those letters?
I would be out with Steve
tonight.
Miguel, compadre, how you doin'?
Do you get the chili burger...
...or does this one belong
to the lovely lady?
That goes to the lady, Rog.
Thank you.
Put it down, Roger.
Debbie, you probably
don't remember me...
...but I was in your biology class
last year.
My name's Roger,
Roger Despard, Jr.
I sat in the back.
You remember me?
Roger,
do you drive a beat-up van?
That's me!
Put this in your big mouth,
you lying little shit!
Nice goin', G.I. Joe.
People just shouldn't
shoot their mouths off...
...about things they know
absolutely nothing about.
- What'd he say?
- It's not important.
He said I boffed
Steve Powers' brains out.
He did?
- Yeah. Toni said he did.
- Toni said he did?
What's wrong?
People just shouldn't
shoot their mouths off...
...about things
they don't know anything about.
Michael,
are you taking me to Kough Park?
Great.
I hate you, Michael.
I love you, Michael.
You know, I haven't been
up here since 1965.
Yeah. It hasn't changed much.
No, except now they know
about birth control.
Let's hope so.
Are you ever sorry
you didn't marry Ed?
Everybody thought
you two would get married...
...right after high school.
No. Not after I met Lou.
Lou was it for me.
Yeah. That's pretty much
the same for me and Connie.
I like Connie.
I like her very much.
Yeah, she's great.
She really is. And I like Lou.
The thing about Lou...
I mean,
he's just not your average...
I like Lou.
Lou likes you, too.
I'll kill 'em.
Turn on your lights, asshole!
What the hell are you doing?
Hey, ass-
- Oh. Hiya, Steve.
- Have you seen Debbie?
- Have you seen Debbie, Lynn?
- No.
Hey, what-hey!
David, come back in here!
Steve! Steve, I have been
looking all over for you.
- Out of my way, Toni.
- What are you doing?
- She's out with another guy.
- Oh, hi, Steve.
I'm gonna find him and I'm gonna
kick the shit out of him.
Steve, forget Debbie.
There's lots of other girls
out there...
...who would treat you a lot better
than Debbie does.
- Yeah? Like who?
- Like me.
Can't you, uh...
...can't you feel
my heart pounding?
Yeah. You got
a pretty big heart there.
You, uh...
you wanna go somewhere?
Yeah, sure. Why not?
My car's right over there.
Let's go.
You know something, Ton?
I have always liked you.
All the classes
were over an hour ago.
Oh, I think my husband
just got home.
Thank you very much.
- Lou.
- Connie, we have to talk...
...but first you gotta promise me
you're gonna be strong.
We both have to be strong.
It's about George.
Bastards.
We shouldn't be here.
George, we shouldn't be here.
We're happily married.
You're right.
Please don't stare at me
like that.
I can't help it,
I can't help it.
You're so beautiful.
I've wanted you
ever since I first saw you...
...in your drill-team uniform.
George, why didn't you
do anything about it then?
Because...
Because I was a chickenshit.
- Oh, my God!
- I knew it. What?
- Oh, my God!
- What-I'm sorry.
My daughter is in the next car.
Oh, my God. Oh, God, oh, God.
So is my son.
- George, George.
- What?
We have to get out of here
right now.
- OK, let's go.
- Do you think they saw us?
I don't know.
- Hurry, George.
- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!
George, George, George, hurry.
Oh, Lou, I can't believe this.
It's OK, baby. We're gonna
put a stop to this right now.
Shit! We missed them.
They were right here
in this spot! Damn it!
You OK, Con?
Oh, Louis,
what are we gonna do?
I don't know, baby. I...
...don't know.
You know, I haven't been
up here since 1965.
Hasn't changed much.
After you.
So...
...this is where you live, huh?
Usually you gotta be a junior
to have a room like this.
Hey, you want a beer?
Oh, no, thanks.
You got some kind
of birth control with you...
...or do you want me
to wear a rubber?
Steve, is there
a bathroom around here?
I've got something with me.
Yeah, right there.
Yeah, Steve, wear a rubber-
wear it over your face.
Oh, shit.
Can you hear me in there, Toni?
I think you better
wait a minute.
Look, Toni, I don't think
this is gonna work.
I mean, I like you, I think
you're a very nice person...
...but, I mean,
it just doesn't feel right.
I mean, I'm in love with Debbie.
And I wish I wasn't, but I am.
I mean, hell,
I got feelings, too.
But I just don't think
that you and I should...
...you know, I just don't think
that you and I should, uh...
I mean,
I just don't think we should.
Unless, of course, you really
had your heart set on it...
...because, you know,
I can understand that, too, Ton.
How could they do this to us?
You'd be surprised
what people can do, Connie.
I see it every day.
Sometimes I find myself
saying to myself...
"Lou, how can people do
the things they do?"
I guess they're just-
...they're-they're just
plain weak, Connie.
I sure never thought Liz was.
I mean, twenty years,
and I never cheated on her once.
I never even looked
at another man.
First, I wanted to kill 'em-
my wife and my friend.
My husband and my friend.
What the hell we gonna do,
Connie?
Fuck 'em.
Oh, God, yes!
Oh, Liz hardly ever does that
anymore.
My son's in the next car!
Holy shit!
He's with my daughter!
Oh, my God, Lou,
what are you doing?
Get back in here.
Want them to see us?
Get in here! Get down!
We gotta get out of here.
I don't mean to be a tease...
...but this is the first time
we've been together...
...and I don't think
it's right this soon.
Right.
Right, it's too soon.
- Would you hand me my bra?
- Yeah, sure.
Oh, thank God.
He's not here.
Son of a bitch.
Thanks, Lou.
Holy shit!
You rotten, low-life,
son of a bitch!
Oh, my God.
You know,
I have never gone out...
...with a guy
in my own grade before.
Yeah, neither have I.
How old are you?
Seventy-one, seventy-two.
You know, I can't remember.
I'm getting so old.
You're sixteen, aren't you?
Well, if you wanna get
absolutely technical...
Oh, God! I'm a cradle robber.
Well, come on. I'm gonna be 17
a week from Saturday.
Really? A week from Saturday?
Yeah.
That's a very big day for me.
From then on out,
it's adios, diapers.
Bonjour, rubber pants.
Oh, shit. There's daddy.
Call me tomorrow?
Promise?
- I had a great time.
- Yeah.
Really.
Lyin' bastard, son of a bitch.
That scumbag piece of shit.
Good evening, Mr. Fimple.
Fuck you.
Hi, Ton. It's Debbie.
You gotta help me.
It's Michael's birthday
Saturday...
...and I wanna give him a party.
Your parents are still
out of town, aren't they?
Well, I was wondering if
we could have it at your house.
It won't be a big one, and
I will take care of everything.
- I promise you.
- No.
Oh, Toni, please?
You know I can't have it here.
You know how my dad is.
Plus they're having
bridge club that night.
Debbie, I can't.
I promised my parents.
Oh, please, Toni?
Please, please, please?
You won't even have
to give him a present.
Your house will be the present.
He's taking me out tonight, and
I want to be able to tell him.
Oh, you gotta say yes.
I'm in love.
Oh, please?
Oh, all right.
Thanks, Ton.
You look great.
I hope so.
I cannot believe how much money
I spent shopping today.
I saw this great movie
last night.
I must've gone to every single
store in the city.
I must've walked
at least ten miles.
And then I found
the most darling boutique...
...you've ever seen in your life.
Actually, that's where
I got these gloves.
But they had
the most darling accessories...
...and jewelry you would die for.
These earrings I saw
came down to about here...
...with rhinestones and pearls.
I should've gotten them.
I think I'll go back for them.
But then I went to I. Magnin's.
I mean, they have
absolutely everything...
...and I bought the greatest dress.
God, it is so beautiful.
It's got all this taffeta
with little pleats.
Comes down to right about here.
The shoes were the killer.
Took me forever to find a pair
that would go with it.
I went to Capezio's,
Jourdan's, Bullocks...
...and then I finally found these
at Henshaws...
...and they go with everything,
just about.
Those are great.
And I love that top.
Oh, this old thing?
I got this weeks ago.
Boy, was that a day.
Unbelievable.
Must've walked
fifteen miles that day.
There's a lot more
to shopping...
...than just going out
and buying stuff.
I mean, not only do you have
to know where to go...
...but you have to know when to go.
Day after Christmas is
the best day of the whole year.
And that's when you get
all the best deals.
You can get a whole new wardrobe
for half price.
Last year, I-who is it?
Now, take Toni, for instance.
I like Toni a lot.
Don't get me wrong.
She does not know
the first thing about clothes.
I mean, she could be
so much more attractive...
...if she just paid a little more
attention to what she wore.
Boy, I am so hungry.
I must've walked
twenty miles today.
Well, they say food is
a substitute for a lack of sex.
Did you see "Doctor Zhivago"
last night?
Yeah! That was the movie I saw.
I loved the part
where Rod Steiger-
It was the best ever.
I mean, Julie Christie's
clothes are un-
Fuck! Shit! Goddamn it!
Fucking shit!
These are my brand-new pants...
...and I cannot fucking believe
I did this!
Fucking shit!
I have to go to the bathroom.
Would you get me some club soda?
Excuse me! Fucking shit!
Damn it!
Can I have some club soda,
please?
- Anything else?
- No.
What'd you do to Debbie?
She spilled something
on her pants.
- Tragedy.
- No kidding.
Fifty cents.
Aw, that little shit!
Toni, can I borrow
some money, please?
Sure.
Thanks. I'll pay you back.
I promise.
Forget it.
I'll see you Saturday.
Hi. Excuse me.
Could you do me a favor?
Did you see a girl go in there
with a stain on her pants?
Where's
the Goddamned club soda?
I'm sorry, Michael.
I guess
I wasn't much fun tonight.
No, it's OK.
I had a lot of fun.
I'll make it up to you
on your birthday.
I promise.
You're probably
asking yourself right now...
...why your younger
and much smaller brother...
...is apparently
borrowing money from you.
You little shit!
But, Mike!
Mike, don't do it!
- Mike! Mom!
- Give me the money.
Here. Take it.
What are you gonna do?
Not in mom's rosebushes!
- Hello.
- Hello, Liz.
It's-it's George.
Can you talk?
I can talk.
Oh, God, your voice sounds
so beautiful over the phone.
I've been thinking about you
all week, too.
Well, me, too, George.
But, I just-look, Liz...
I just don't know
how it's gonna work.
I mean, I just don't know
how it's gonna work.
It can't. It can't.
I like Connie too much.
God, and I like Lou.
And we're just not
these kind of people, George.
Oh, God. I know. Jesus.
Sometimes I wish we were.
I know. I know.
So...
So that's it then.
We're doing the right thing,
George.
Yeah, yeah.
I know. I know we are.
Well, then I'll...
I'll see you around sometime.
I'll see you Saturday.
Goddamn! OK, Liz, if you're
willing to take a chance...
...so am I. Goddamn it!
I'll meet you Saturday
any place, any time.
No, George!
It's bridge club Saturday.
You and Connie
are coming to our house.
Holy shit.
Bridge-bridge club?
It's OK. It's OK, George.
We didn't do anything.
Well...
Saturday. See you then.
Lieutenant Fimple, vice.
I can't go through with it, Lou.
Neither can I, Con.
We're just not like them.
I've given it a lot of thought.
Something inside me
keeps saying...
"Hey, Fimple, what the hell
you think you're doing?
"You got a wife and kid.
You're a detective.
"Isn't that supposed
to mean something?"
Sure it does,
but that doesn't mean...
I don't think you're
an attractive woman, Connie.
You are.
A damn attractive woman.
If this thing inside me weren't
saying what it was saying...
I'd be saying
something else right now.
Lou, shut up. I'm talking
about Saturday night.
OK, fuck 'em. They're doing it
to us, we'll do it to them.
Saturday's fine by me.
Where do you wanna meet?
Lou, I'm talking
about bridge club!
Bridge club is Saturday night!
We're having it at your house!
You and me, him and her,
all together...
...at the same house
at the same time!
Bridge club. Right.
That'd be the perfect time...
...to blow this whole thing
wide open.
Having a good time?
Yeah, it's great.
You can't imagine
how much work it is...
...putting one of these things
together.
I really appreciate it.
You know, Toni,
this whole thing's kinda weird.
You know,
Debbie and Michael going out.
She's always going out
with these guys from college.
Now she's throwing him
this big party...
...and, you know, for a present,
I heard she's gonna...
Oh, boy.
She's gonna what?
What's she gonna give Michael?
Look, if I tell you, you gotta
promise not to tell anybody.
Oh, I don't care. Forget it.
All right,
I'll go ahead and tell you.
Later tonight, she's gonna...
Well, they're gonna do it.
She's gonna go all the way
with him. Some present, huh?
Wow.
Wish it was my birthday.
All right!
Make a wish.
All right!
Speech! Speech!
Speech for Michael.
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
I'd just like to thank
Mr. Quincy Jones.
That is what I call having
your cake and eating it, too.
Ha! We win, you lose.
OK, winners move up,
losers move down.
Well, here we all are.
Uh, at the winner's table.
I guess we're all doing
pretty well tonight.
Yeah, I guess so.
Elizabeth, you've really
outdone yourself on the affairs.
On the hors d'oeuvres!
You lying piece of shit!
What'd I say? Wait a minute!
I said hors d'oeuvres!
- You said affairs!
- Lou, for God's sake!
I meant hors d'oeuvres!
Oh, yeah?
It isn't what you said!
I don't know what I said!
I was being polite!
Polite?
I'll show you polite!
All right! Break it up!
Stop it, Lou!
Can you imagine
what they are doing right now?
Unbelievable.
Now, Michael.
Now.
- Ow!
- What's the matter?
Nothing.
Move down a bit.
- Debbie, what's wrong?
- It hurts.
- What do you want me to do?
- Do it right.
I thought I was.
Here. Try again.
- This isn't gonna work.
- Yes, it is.
- Try it again.
- I don't want to.
What are our friends gonna think
if we don't do it?
I don't give a shit
what they think.
Well, I do. I told
a lot of people about this.
Michael,
when you get down there...
...you act like it was the best
experience you've ever had.
I don't want anyone
to know about this... Ever.
- Hey, guys, look who's back.
- Whoa. Wait a sec.
Thank you all for making
Michael's birthday...
...such a fabulous success.
No problem.
Thanks, Toni.
Don't tell me what we did!
I know what we did,
and we didn't do anything!
Don't tell me what
you didn't do because I know!
Oh, I suppose you were there?
As a matter of fact, I was!
What are you talking about?
What do you mean you were there?
Since when did you start
spying on people?
Since always!
It's my job! I'm a cop!
- No, I don't wanna hear it!
- But I didn't-
I don't wanna talk about it!
That is a great idea, because
there's nothing to talk about!
That's right! There's nothing
more to talk about!
- I want a divorce!
- What? Damn you.
You're out of control now.
You've lost your mind.
I can't believe you're doing
this to me. After 20 years-
Goddamn it!
I didn't do anything to you!
How many times
do I have to say that?
Until you find somebody
dumb enough to believe it!
Damn it, I'm telling you
the truth. Nothing happened.
Oh, nothing.
"When I look at you,
I can't take my eyes off you. "
I don't call that nothing.
"I long to have your arms
around me and feel your body. "
Look,
I didn't write that letter.
Jesus christ, Mom! What are you
doing with my letter?
I can't believe this!
Doesn't anybody have any privacy
around here anymore?
Your letter?
I got it on the last day
of school. Is that OKwith you?
Can you stay out of my stuff?
I can't believe this!
You can't even trust
your own parents anymore.
I'm gonna get a guard dog
and a bazooka.
This is just wonderful.
Perfect ending to a perfect day.
You know, some people
still believe in love!
Some people
still believe in marriage!
And some people
still believe in trust!
Ha! That's a laugh!
How could you say that
after what you've done?
I'll never trust you again!
What are you talking about?
Nothing happened!
Will you listen to me?
This is what I'm talking about!
"If for just one brief moment...
"I could feel your lips
against mine...
"I would die a happy man. "
You call this nothing?
Daddy, that's my letter!
How could you?
Your letter?
Michael wrote this letter to me!
How could you read it?
I will never forgive you
for this. Never!
Aw, honey.
What are you doing here?
Are you busy?
The party's over, Michael.
Well, can I come in for a while?
Why? What's wrong?
Debbie and I.
I don't know.
I think I made a big mistake.
Well, you know, as fascinating
as that subject is to me...
...it's late,
and I want to go to bed.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
What are you so upset about?
Oh, nothing much.
See, I gave this party
tonight for a friend...
...only there was this
big highlight to the evening...
...and I didn't know what it was.
But what it turns out to be
is a couple of friends...
...screwing in my parents' bedroom!
Well, the next time you're
gonna do something like this...
...do you mind telling me first?
I don't like being used!
Toni, I didn't know
that was gonna happen.
- Well, everybody else did.
- Well, not much happened.
Yeah. Not much.
Nothing happened, OK?
Nothing happened.
Well, then what were you
doing up there?
Look, it didn't happen!
I'm not supposed
to tell anybody this...
...because she wants
everybody to think...
...that we had
this wonderful experience.
But that's not even
what I came here for.
Well, am I supposed to guess?
Would you go out with me
sometime?
What?
I think we ought to go
on a real date.
You and me, together.
What the hell happened
to Debbie?
I don't know what the hell
happened to Debbie!
I don't know.
It just wasn't what I thought
it was supposed to be.
I expected her to be like...
...you.
You know, when we have
a good time together.
That's what I expected,
but it wasn't like that.
All right, so she's the most
beautiful girl in school.
For all I know, she's the most
beautiful girl in the world.
But you can only look
for so long.
'Cause when you start
listening...
...man, all the lights are on,
but nobody's home.
Toni, you and I have been
friends for a long time.
And I like being with you
more than with anybody else.
You probably don't even
feel like that towards me.
Look, maybe we're
overlooking something here.
Maybe we should go
on a real date.
Just to see, you know?
What do you think?
I think you just won
the asshole-of-the-year award.
Over on this side.
I just wanna know one thing,
Michael.
Where's the man
who wrote these letters?
Debbie, I'm sorry,
but I gotta be honest with you.
I just, uh-
Whose are these?
Oh, that's cruel, Michael.
That's really cruel.
Where'd you get these?
From the man
who I thought I loved.
I didn't write these.
These aren't the letters
I wrote to you.
You're such an asshole!
When Steve
gets a hold of you...
I would hate to be
in your shoes.
Hello, is Toni there?
This is Michael.
Oh, hi, Michael. Toni's outside
helping her dad load the car.
I have to talk to her.
I'm sorry, Michael, but we're
leaving in about two minutes.
You're leaving?
You mean, Toni's leaving?
She's going
on the School Afloat.
But wait a minute.
I need to talk to her.
- I need to see her.
- Her boat leaves in an hour.
She'll be gone for a year.
You'll have to write her
a letter.
I'm sorry. They're honking
for me, honey. Gotta run.
Oh, Toni, Michael just called
to say good-bye.
Thanks.
Don't leave! Wait, Toni!
Toni, wait!
Wait a minute!
Shit.
Hey, come on. Hey, hey.
Hey, wait a minute!
Give me a ride.
Come on,
somebody give me a ride.
Hey, give me a ride!
Come on.
Oh, God, am I glad to see you.
Listen, you gotta get me
to the harbor right away.
I've been looking for you, Mike.
I'm gonna kick your ass.
No, wait a minute.
Steve, you don't understand.
You can kick my ass later.
I promise.
Debbie told me everything,
you little prick.
You broke my nose!
Steve, I'm sorry.
You son of a bitch,
you broke my nose!
Jesus. Are you all right?
I don't know.
You got to see a doctor.
Shit! I gotta borrow your car.
Hey! Wait a minute!
Hey, where are you going?
Hey, what about my nose?
Excuse me!
Sir, excuse me. Could you
tell me where School Afloat is?
School Afloat?
Go right down this road
four or five lights...
...and you turn left,
and you go up, uh...
Where was it you said
you wanted to go?
Excuse me, sir! Could you
tell me where School Afloat is?
Don't forget to write, honey.
Toni, wait! Hey!
Wait!
Stop!
Wait!
I know you wrote the letters!
Michael, what?
The letters!
I know you wrote 'em!
Don't leave me! I love you!
What?
I love you!
Do you love me?
What difference does it make?
But do you love me?
Yes! Does that make you
feel any better?