Sex Monster, The (1999) Movie Script
(screams and sirens)
("Double Trouble Lover"
By Kevin Williams & Dread Flimstone)
(reggae music starts)
(screams and sirens)
Oh, damn it.
This thing is not designed
for a human to pour coffee with.
Go sit down, I'll bring
your breakfast.
- It's a gag coffeepot.
- It's okay.
Here you go, sweetie.
I was reading about
this new sex scandal.
So, last night was okay?
It wasn't too quick?
- It was nice.
- Are you sure?
- I've got so much on my mind...
- It was nice. It always is.
- It always is?
- Um-hmm.
It always is?
You want some melon?
You're totally satisfied
with our sex life?
Yeah, I'm totally satisfied, honey.
I'll get you some melon.
And there's nothing
you would do different?
No changes you would make?
Different?
Yeah...
nothing you wanna try?
Try the melon...
it's so good.
Nothing...
you've always been
curious about...?
No, I'm just
completely happy.
You are?
Try the melon,
it's so good.
(Radio:)
Have you ever practiced lesbianism?
- No.
- Other women don't excite you?
- No.
- Have these ladies come on to you?
Umm... if so, I didn't notice it.
Are you having lunch
with me today?
No, sorry, Didi,
Marty's taking me to lunch.
That's okay, I understand.
If he cancels, though,
I'm still available.
Your husband's taking you to lunch?
That's sweet.
Yeah, he is sweet.
(doorbell rings)
Hey, beautiful.
Hey...
- You hungry?
- Ooh, I'm starved.
- Can we go someplace nice?
- Anywhere you want.
Darn, you showed.
If you didn't show,
I was gonna take her to lunch.
Sorry to disappoint you, Didi,
but I showed.
Yes, you did, I'm not
gonna hold it against you, though.
Have a nice lunch
with your sexy-ass wife.
- I will.
- You ready?
Definitely.
What, you're mad? Don't be mad,
it's a nice restaurant.
Come on, I don't have time
I'm behind the eight-ball at work.
I made that doctor's appointment
for you today.
Don't forget it, okay?
I cannot believe I gotta
let 'em put a camera in my ass.
You're at the age where
you gotta take care of yourself.
They called the office.
Know what they wanna know?
Do I wanna pay extra
to use the Sony?
They got a Sony product
that goes up my ass.
"Sony Assman".
So what's the deal
with little Didi at work?
Any new lesbian stories?
I don't think she's a lesbian.
She might be bisexual.
That's better still.
We like bisexual.
- We do?
- Yes, we do.
Is she openly bisexual?
What do you mean
by "openly bisexual"?
I mean, is she openly bisexual?
If I went right now to the salon,
and opened the front door,
I walked in and yelled,
"Hey, anybody here bisexual?",
what would little Didi do?
Do we have to talk about Didi's
sexuality all the time?
Yes...
You're totally obsessed by this
every time you see her.
She's hot for you, Laura.
It's the start of the new millenium,
everyone's doin' it.
Don't be so straight.
I am straight.
I think it'd be good for ya.
- Is that what you think?
- I do...
I think it'd be good for us.
Menage a trois,
inside the confines
of a good marriage.
What happens if I like it?
If you like it? Great.
What if you come home
and we are going at it in our bedroom?
Wouldn't you be just a little hurt?
Hurt? Only if I smash my face
on the headboard...
diving under the blankets
with the two of you...
I'd be thrilled you found
a new hobby you liked.
See how clear that picture is?
The same way you're looking
around the office,
I'm looking at the lower intestines,
and then this curves it around...
And this is actually a job
you wanted as a kid?
That's funny.
Lie down there.
We'll see who's laughing
in about a minute.
Knees forward, if you would, please.
Be gentle.
I know this comes as a shock,
but I'm not real excited about this.
No... that makes two of us.
Oh-oh-oh!
Wait, wait...
Ow, ow!
Pull it out, Jerry!
Pull it out!
Hey, four-year-old,
it's just the lubricant.
I haven't started
with the probe yet.
Gentle is the buzzword
for today, okay?
Ohh!
Have you seen that new
Porsche Boxter?
It's a beauty.
Ohh-hh!!
(doorbell rings)
Hey... Jane!
- Hi!
- How're you doin'?
I didn't know you were in town.
I'm going to San Francisco.
I was gonna visit on my way back,
but I decided to visit
on my way up.
- Didn't Laura tell you?
- No, she didn't.
But that's okay.
You're always welcome, you know that.
What?
I just miss you.
It's great to see my best friend.
I miss you too.
- I love this.
- I just got it.
That is so not me.
No.
So how are your sculptures doing?
They're doing great.
I think a gallery wants to show them.
I love this one.
Is this new?
It really works on the piano.
Isn't it great, Marty?
$18,000 in lessons,
and tchotchkes for the living room,
I couldn't be more happy.
Are you kiddin' me, Jane?
I don't want her having hobbies,
- I want it to be all about me.
- About you, huh?
You should be making
little sculptures of me.
Feels so good.
It's so good to see you.
Wow, look at this,
erotic feet massaging.
This is great.
Good and gay, I love this.
- It is not gay.
- What?
Can you imagine me
and one of my buddies...
sitting on this couch,
rubbing each other's feet?
Not a pretty sight, is it?
Women can get away with this,
and it's a beautiful thing.
It's not gay, Marty.
It's gay, and I love it.
I'm not into women, but if I was,
this would be my first stop,
and you, my dear,
would be in serious trouble.
That's it. I'm going upstairs
to write to "Penthouse".
Is he serious?
He would love it if I would
sleep with him and a woman.
Apparently, it's all he
and his buddies ever talk about.
What is it with these guys
and that stupid fantasy?
They can't please one woman,
let alone two.
Maybe that's what
the second woman is for...
to do half the work.
Diva, did the mail come?
Mmm - yes.
And I'm sorry, but they're all bills.
Well, I can handle them, okay?
Once Billy finishes this house...
those lots are gonna sell like crazy.
I'm not worried.
Nothing fazes you, Marty.
I'll tell you what fazes me...
- You marrying that ski bum...
- I'll bet.
It does... I'm concerned,
can't you tell?
How's he gonna support you,
this guy?
What's the pay scale
for the ski patrol?
Guy's got no future, Diva.
Oh, he's got a future, stop it.
The ski patrol? What's he gonna
make one day, sergeant?
Best case scenario,
you're married to a mountie.
I got a great idea for an investor.
Dave Pembroke.
Dave Pembroke?
From Michigan, Dave Pembroke?
I remember him...
he was a real tough guy,
beating everybody's ass.
He was in my brother's grade,
that whole crowd of guys...
who got their jollies
beating people up.
Well, now he's getting some jollies
outta $30 million.
Guy's got 18 furniture stores
down in Orange County.
Hey, Clay.
You got my note?
I've invited him
Sunday for brunch.
Sunday's not good for me.
Why? What's Sunday?
You got that girl coming in?
From Fresno?
You know what, Bill?
You're married, you got two kids...
Would you relax?
I'm having fun.
Having fun?
You're gonna get caught.
- I'm not gonna get caught.
- You're cheating on your wife...
you're gonna get caught.
Listen to me...
You're in a situation
you can't control.
And somewhere along the way,
someone, some idiot...
is gonna say the wrong thing
at the wrong time,
- and it's gonna get back to Carol.
- Would you relax?
- Nobody knows, Marty.
- I'll tell you who knows...
This is gonna sound corny,
and you'll tease me later,
but I'll tell ya who knows.
God knows.
God does not know.
And if he does know...
- he doesn't care.
- He does care, okay?
Cheating on your wife
is not cool.
I know - I'm gonna get struck down
by a bolt of lightning...
- is that what you're telling me?
- Exactly...
that's what I'm saying,
and I stand real close to you,
so I'd appreciate it
if you'd get your shit together.
Don't you judge me.
Have you seen my wife lately?
- She's fat.
- She's not fat...
She's fat. She's not
into sex anymore...
all she wants to do is eat.
I'm a man. I got my needs.
I have my needs, too.
At the top of my needs list,
is you to be at my house
for brunch on Sunday.
Marty's on my case about going
to this brunch at his house.
- Brunch?
- He's making a big deal about it.
That's a Jew thing, brunch.
They can't decide if they want
breakfast or lunch,
so they have both.
I can't wait
till he hears the gossip.
He's gonna love it.
He's got a thing for her.
- He's got a thing for Diva?
- He would never admit it...
but he's dying to just take her.
So why doesn't he just do it?
For one reason, she's engaged.
And also because...
he's very hung up
about not screwing around.
The guy's very straight that way.
I don't get that.
European men, they've been
doing it for centuries.
Doesn't make 'em assholes.
Guy in America, gets a little
action on the side,
they label him an asshole.
I do not get that.
And I blame the Pilgrim men.
In the beginning of our society,
they got all religious and puritanical.
They fucked the whole thing up.
They gave away deal points
they had no business giving away.
Where did you hear that?
I should have negotiated that deal.
We'd all be gettin' laid.
- Gentlewomen, what's up?
- How are you?
I'm good. Take care of your
little scheduling problem?
- See?
- Jew.
I'm not going to brunch
with Dave Pembroke.
The guy's Republican.
Big deal, so am I
when I'm looking for an investor.
Wait till you hear the good gossip.
The good gossip? Coming from you,
Murphy, it's bullshit.
It's about your assistant... Diva.
What about Diva?
The guy that sold car phones
to Eric Keldren's company?
Went to college with her.
He was in her dorm.
Said she spent a fair amount
of time on the front line...
saw a lot of action.
So what? What is it?
Guess.
She did a two-way.
- Better...
- She did a gang-bang.
It's coming from Eric. I don't believe
a word out of his mouth.
Girls.
- She did girls.
- She did girls?
This is true?
Diva did girls in college?
(Laura:)
You believe that story is true?
I believe it.
Keldren's a lot of things,
but the guy's not a liar.
She's young.
Young girls...
they're all into it nowadays.
It's become very fashionable.
Yeah? Well, for me, it hasn't.
Will you cut it out
with the cookies? Cholesterol.
One cookie.
Will you look at this?
Lucia's getting so lazy.
She put the bowl away
without drying it.
You know what I'm thinkin'?
It would be good for you.
- Like a life lesson.
- For me?
Yeah... open you up a little bit.
I think it would be fun.
I'm sure it would be fun for you.
You'd be having a lot of fun.
You're always saying you wanna
do things for the marriage.
Always talking about hobbies
and projects and shit,
that's what this would be.
It would be like a bonding thing.
How stupid do I look to you?
All right, so I took a shot.
How much longer before dinner?
I'm starved.
Looks like you've already
eaten dinner.
I've been married to my husband
for 30 years.
- Wow, that's great.
- It's a miracle...
that in the last 30 years,
I didn't kill him in his sleep.
Jump on a plane,
and not come back.
- How long have you been married?
- Six years.
That's nice.
Gonna have kids?
Yeah, I think we will.
Have all the fun you can
while you can.
Do it now,
get it out of the way.
The spending and traveling
and the nuttiness. Just do it all.
Do it all before the kids come.
After the kids come,
there's no more fun.
- Come on, you love your kids, right?
- Not today.
I don't love anybody today.
Except you.
I love my hairdresser.
Oh - oh - oh...!
- Was that okay?
- Yeah, it was. Oh yeah.
Good.
Still is to me,
I gotta tell you, Laura...
I look down and wonder
how I got into bed
with a woman
as good looking as you.
I do.
After all this time,
I still think you're going
to look at me and yell for a cop.
Oh, Marty... shut up.
See what I'm saying? We have sex,
what's the first thing you do?
You get up and wash up.
How does that work?
So that's what
you really want, huh?
For me to have sex
with you and another woman?
Yeah...
Oh, yeah.
I'd like it a lot.
And you want me to kiss her,
and... you know...
go down on her?
Yeah... I mean,
if you wanted to go down on her.
I don't know.
- I don't know if I could.
- What...?
I do it all the time,
it's not so bad.
Plus, you have...
the home court advantage.
- What's that?
- Home court advantage...
that's what you have.
Think about it.
You're a woman,
you know what's going on down there.
You could do it better
than me your first time out...
on my best night ever.
Which was...
last April, at the cabin.
Rememeber?
You could be better than that.
Better than last me April.
- I could?
- You could, first time out, because...
you have the home court advantage.
That's my theory...
on why women are getting
into other women.
- Yeah? What's that theory?
- Human nature.
Everybody likes to do something
that they're good at...
everyone likes to excel.
Women are finding something
that they're really good at,
really easily, really fast.
And they're really enjoying it.
And it's home court advantage.
I think you would be somebody
that would benefit from it.
(gargling)
I couldn't do it with a stranger.
I want you to know that.
All right, fine.
And I'm not gonna do it
with Diva, all right?
- Diva?
- You do not get to screw Diva.
Fine. Diva's off the list.
Forget Diva.
I love the fact
we're having this conversation.
- I bet you do.
- What about Didi at your salon?
Come on, Marty,
I have to work with her.
Part time. You work with her
part time. She's perfect.
You don't want it
to be a stranger.
We know her but
we don't really know her.
She's cute, too,
in her way, and...
you know she's into
this kinda thing, so...
I like Didi.
I think she's sweet.
I like Didi, too.
Put Didi at the top of the list.
Operation Didi.
Call her up,
have her for dinner.
If it works out, great.
If it doesn't,
I'll do the dishes.
(doorbell chimes)
- Hi...!
- Hi, Didi.
- How are you?
- Good. Come on in.
You did these?
Yeah, I did.
God...
Laura, they're wonderful.
Thank you.
Do you like my perfume?
Roses.
Yeah.
Marty...?
Didi... it's great
that you finally came over,
because Laura's wanted to have you
for dinner for the longest time.
You know, I don't think we need
any more wine. Drunk...
- Drinks.
- Drinks...? Oh, drunk.
- Let's get drunk.
- Drunk, let's get drunk.
Hard drinks.
I got a big jug of rum,
- does that sound good?
- I love rum. Rum and coke.
I'm dangerous on rum and coke.
We have a winner.
It's rum and coke.
You hear that? She's dangerous
on rum and coke, this one.
- Is he always this funny?
- Not always.
Where you from, Dee?
Chicago or something?
- I'm from all over.
- All over? Wow.
Yep. I'm an Army brat.
An Army brat? That is intense.
Tell us about it.
I lived with my dad
until I was 14.
Then out of nowhere,
I met my mom and I lived with her...
until we decided
that we hated each other.
Then I hitchhiked around
a little while, until I was 17
and I met this woman
I lived with in Florida,
but... it didn't really work out,
because she was sorta
in love with me...
I guess, to be honest,
I just enjoyed fucking her...
(crash)
Let me tell you this story...
This is so nice out here.
(reggae music plays softly)
Wow, Didi, you should be
a professional dancer.
She should.
Doesn't anybody
wanna dance with me?
All right, I'll dance.
Oh yeah... Oh, baby...
You're scaring me now.
Laura, come up here.
Look at this.
Laura, come dance with me.
Come on... come on.
Laura wanted to dance.
Didi wants to dance tonight.
I wanna dance so bad...
(music continues)
Didi, just stay there. I need Marty
to help me with something...
Marty...!
What's up? Havin' fun?
- No, honey, no.
- Yes.
I think this might be a mistake.
We should call it a night.
Call it a night? No,
we don't wanna call it a night.
Are you kidding me?
We're havin' fun.
- We are?
- Yes. She's hot for you, this girl.
Oh, God. I know, I know...
Are you sure this is what
you really want?
Let me think for a millionth
of a second...
Yes. Are you kiddin'?
We're having fun.
We're having a good time.
- You okay?
- Just fill this up.
(Didi:)
Is it okay if I go swimming?
Yes... go swimming,
are you kidding?
Our poolo es su poolo.
(Didi:)
Laura, is he always so funny?
Ohh, yeah...
So we got...
we got a little booze here.
- Are you coming in?
- Coming in...?
- Ohh...!
- Yeah.
I think we should go in.
I'm gonna get a swimsuit.
And so are you.
Come on.
We're gonna get a swimsuit...
and you...
just trawl around.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Hello.
Hey... hey...
hello.
Take you for a ride.
Can I borrow my wife?
(Didi:)
That looks like fun.
- I want one.
- Want a ride?
Okay, we'll give you a ride.
I'll put you up here.
You can nurse your drink...
We know what your
priorities are tonight.
Didi, you...
oh, Didi...!
(giggling)
Take me back to Laura.
I want one from Laura.
You want a ride from Laura?
What...?
Laura, what...?
Hey... what happened?
What happened down there, sweetie?
I don't know...
It just got too real or something.
I don't know. I felt stupid.
Hey... you're not stupid.
You're not.
I'm the stupid one.
This was a mistake.
This was a mistake. I'm sorry.
That's okay.
(knocking)
I'll send her home.
I'll say goodnight.
No, I'll talk to her.
Let me talk to her.
- Hey...
- Hi.
I'm sorry if I did anything
to make you feel badly.
You both made me
feel really comfortable,
and I haven't felt comfortable
around anyone for a long time.
God... you're just
so beautiful...
and great...
Should I go home?
Can I come in, then?
Yeah, you can come in.
(moaning and rattling)
You guys wanna knock off
and go get a drink?
(moaning continues)
Wow... that's what that flap is for.
Don't worry about me...
I'll be back.
I'll go downstairs
and get a drink, okay?
Get a drink...
do a couple hundred push-ups.
(moaning increases)
Murphy... can't tell Murphy.
Damn, damn...
(line ringing)
Hi.
You're not gonna believe this.
My wife, right now,
is upstairs - in my bedroom...
with little Didi...
the hottie at work...
and the two of them
are tearing into each other...
like there's no tomorrow...
Yeah, yeah, it gets better.
I'm up there.
I'm part of the package.
Yeah - no,
I'm just taking a break.
What...? No.
I don't wanna order a pizza.
I was just calling.
I had to tell someone.
(moaning continues)
Hey, you guys...
Marty's back.
Hey, honey...
Oh, shit. Damn.
Hey... Hi.
Hi.
- Bye.
- You leaving?
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
You too...
I mean, bye.
Thank you. See ya.
Bye.
Hey.
- How you doin'?
- Did you sleep well?
I did. How about you?
I had a good sleep.
I feel so rested.
You okay? Everything okay
with last night?
I'm okay. Are you okay?
Me? I'm very okay.
Especially if you're okay.
Oh, yeah, I am, I am.
You know what last night was?
I think it was educational.
Educational? I love to hear you
use the word educational.
That's great. You see?
You were worried.
And now, you're educated.
Oh, yeah.
Do you want some breakfast?
I'm going to have a giant breakfast.
So everything's okay, seriously?
No weirdness...
Oh, no, I'm cool.
Now I know what you mean by
the "home court advantage" thing.
Wow.
(Radio:)
Wow.
My scene is done actually
at my apartment.
- Your actual apartment?
- On my fire escape.
I have another scene,
a lesbian scene...
- Really?
- Which you will love.
Oh, I most certainly will.
- Girls.
- Have you been out to the site yet?
No, I have not been to the site.
Just want to know if you saw
the changes in the kitchen plan.
- No, I haven't seen them.
- I know what you're gonna say...
You're gonna say it costs too much.
I've been thinking about it...
and it ain't all about money.
You don't know
what I'm gonna say,
'cause that's not what I was
gonna say, 'cause you're right.
It ain't all about money.
What's your deal?
Fighting with your wife again?
She has burrowed her way
up inside my asshole.
Being married is very tough.
Yes, but it's only as tough
as you make it.
It's only as tough as you make it.
Know why you guys
are having trouble at home?
- You wanna know?
- Why?
- You're not shakin' it up.
- Excuse me?
That's all we're talking about here.
Shake it up.
- Shake it up?
- Yes. Shake it up.
You're the man.
That's your responsibility.
The women wanna be led.
They wanna be taught new tricks.
They wanna be shaken up.
What the fuck
are you talking about?
I'm talking about you,
going home...
and you, going home...
and teaching your wife
a couple of new tricks.
You will find the picture
changes very quickly.
Shake it up, boys.
(doorbell rings)
- Who's that?
- I don't know.
Why don't you go see?
(doorbell rings)
- It's Didi.
- Didi?
I wonder who called her?
(yelping and banging)
You two are on fire tonight.
Look at you.
Babe...? You okay?
Do you want to rest for a minute?
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Yeah, honey?
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
For a minute, I thought
you were having trouble breathing.
- No...
- Don't stop.
(moaning resumes)
(cries and thumping)
Hey.
Hey, you guys...
Hey... hey, Didi...
Hi.
- Guys having fun?
- Yeah.
Want me to bring up sandwiches?
Don't stop, don't stop.
(moans resume)
(Ioud cries and bumping)
Bye, Marty. See ya.
Bye.
"Bye, Marty. See ya."
(Radio:)
You wanna stand up for us?
Oh, please do.
You are a hottie.
Are you very proud
of yourself naked?
I wouldn't say "proud",
just comfortable.
- Have you ever done lesbianism?
- No...
- Hi.
- Diva.
What are you doing here?
The Pembrokes are coming over.
Laura called and asked me
to help with the big brunch.
- You didn't know about it?
- No... Laura called you?
I though it was a great idea.
Hi!
- You look great.
- Look at you, you look fabulous.
Come on in.
- Marty, how are ya?
- Hi, Marty.
Dave, Evie, how are you guys?
Good to see you.
You look amazing.
Look at you.
Both of you. You look great.
I'm not feeling too great.
My wife beat me at tennis.
You look great. This guy
looks 22 years old...
like he did in Michigan,
this guy.
Marty, your wife looks adorable.
Thank you. She is adorable,
but look at this guy.
Both of you look fantastic.
That's it. We're in trouble.
Way too many "you look greats".
Marty, get me a drink.
I wanna be good and hammered
when you start slamming me
for that loan.
Oh, come on. That's not
what this is about.
I want you to have a nice
Sunday brunch with us.
Marty, get the "great-Iookin' guy"
a drink, will ya?
Fine. How about you, Evie?
You need to get hammered?
- A Bloody Mary, sweetie.
- Comin' right up.
I'll get one too.
We'll all get slammed.
- Look overdone to you?
- I'm not eating that.
You know, Diva,
you look really beautiful today.
Thank you, Laura.
So do you.
I love your hair.
I like your hair.
What is that scent?
Do you like it?
Oh, yeah...
I like it.
I'll take those.
You remember Dave Pembroke?
- I remember...
- His wife, Evie,
Billy's wife, Carol...
(exchanging greetings)
No, Billy, we're gonna put
you in the middle.
Billy sits here.
Billy will be in the middle.
- Don't fight over me.
- And I'll put Diva right here.
- It's fine, honey.
- I'll get another chair.
Thank you. Come on,
you sit here.
Just want you to know
who runs this house...
Laura.
It's good to see you, man.
Good to see you, too.
I remember your older brother.
Oh, Jesus.
Are you still kickin' ass?
I remember when you and he
took on the Statler twins...
Sausage?
No.
Let's hope marriage and California
have settled him down.
He's settled down.
He's just a big pushover now.
Somehow, Evie,
I kinda doubt that...
(Billy:)
Marty tells me you're doing good.
(Marty:)
Good? He's got 18 furniture stores...
Excuse me...
I'm gonna help Lucia in the kitchen.
Okay, help Lucia in the kitchen.
Billy... you need a place setting.
Lucia will get it.
Lucia...!
That's okay...
- Laura, sit down, please...
- It's fine...
I know exactly where it is.
I'm gonna go help Diva.
I don't want your food to get cold.
It's the Pembrokes...
I'm gonna go help Diva, okay?
Careful with the butter.
Diva, I am so sorry.
I really am sorry.
I don't know what's gotten into me...
I feel like a pig.
What is going on?
Marty told me this thing
about you in college, seeing girls,
ever since he told me,
I can't get it or you out of my mind.
You know I'm getting married
in two months, right?
- Yes, I do.
- You do?
I do. Like I said before,
I'm sorry.
- I'm just so attracted to you.
- Laura...!
You ever see
the Statler Twins, Dave?
Do I see them? No.
They still live back in Michigan.
You ever see any
of the guys you beat up?
Just curious.
First of all, I didn't beat
that many guys up.
Second of all, no...
I left Michigan after high school,
and I haven't been back.
Must be kinda weird
to run into somebody
Remember me?
You broke my clavicle?
You look good.
I'm sorry, Diva.
I'm really sorry.
You should be.
I'm really not into women.
Me neither.
Oh, my God... Oh, my God.
Oh, my God... okay.
Laura, I'm gonna go.
I think that's the best thing
in this situation.
I'm gonna go.
I'm straight... I am.
I'm straight... I am.
What we're talking about,
we have ten lots we can obtain.
These houses finished
are at a million, million two...
We have seven, seven and a quarter
in some of the houses.
Okay, I'm gonna say goodbye.
Something wrong, Diva?
No...
I gotta be somewhere,
I'm running really straight...
late... I'm running really late.
I'm gonna go.
Just stay awhile.
Marty...?
Tell Diva not to go.
Diva, don't go
Bye...
No... don't.
Please stay.
Laura, I have to go now.
Let me walk you to the door.
I know where the door is.
I'll walk her to the door.
- I'm sorry.
- Honey, don't be silly.
Really...
You've got guests...
I'll walk her to the door.
You're in the middle
of important business...
I'll walk her to the door.
Can I talk to you?
Diva, don't go anywhere.
Please.
I just wanna talk to you
before you go.
I won't go.
Promise me you won't go.
Let me hold your purse.
- One minute... be right back.
- Don't go, babe.
- What's going on!?
- Nothing.
- I just want her to stay.
- You want Diva to stay?
I want us both
to be with her tonight.
You want us to be with Diva?
Are you crazy?
Do you have any idea...
how important this brunch is to me?
You've got to know.
You've got to admit
that she is foxy.
She's foxy? What are you,
K.D. Lang? Are you out of your mind?
This will be good for us.
I just want you to be happy...
Don't touch me.
You want me to be happy?
- Yes.
- Good. Listen...
Let her go home,
and you snap out of it.
Honey, I know you think
she 's fine.
You're being a nutcase.
Snap out of it.
Billy, can you get Laura a bagel?
I'm gonna walk Diva to the door.
I'm gonna walk Diva... I...
- Go sit down.
- You let me in!
Sit the fuck down!
(snarling)
Go...!
- What's going on?
- Nothing...
Marty... did you ask your wife
to hit on me?
- No...!
- Is that what's going on?
Why would I do that?
What am I, a deviate?
Why would I ask my wife
to hit on a woman...?
Because she just did.
She hit on me big time.
Okay, so why do I get blamed?
I had nothing to do with it.
She did it on her own.
- She did it on her own?
- Yes. She's going through something.
She's going throught something?
She's having a breakdown or something.
- A breakdown?
- It's not a big deal.
I'm just gonna say goodbye.
- I think I'm gonna talk to her...
- No...
Diva, no. Just gonna say goodbye.
Thank you... Agggh!
Didi!?
I don't need to talk to you.
I need to see Laura.
No, wait, Didi...!
Gotta make sure we own
or have the rights to the lots...
Wait...!
Hi, Laura.
I need to show you something.
I'm sorry to barge in...
Hi...
- Hi, I'm Didi.
- This is Didi.
Dave and Evie Pembroke.
Billy and Carol you know.
This is our friend, Didi...
who forgot her purse
and has now located it.
I'm gonna walk her to the door.
This is a brochure on an arts fair
and sympo-see-um in Monterrey.
A symposium?
Dave, I'll be with you
in a minute...
Say goodbye, okay?
Let go of my...
you're being an asshole.
I'm not being an asshole...
Let go of me, pen dick.
Join us, Didi.
Honey, join us...?
I don't understand
why you're so upset.
You're the one that wanted me
to sleep with her.
Why am I so upset?
Because I think you single-handedly
blew the Pembroke deal, Laura.
That's why I'm so upset.
I don't know what's gotten into you.
Honestly, I don't know.
What do you mean,
what has gotten into me?
Are you gay?
Are you gay now?
No, I am not gay...
Are you bi?
No... I don't know...
I thought I knew, but now I don't.
I was watching some
of your moves the other night...
It was like watching
an old pro work.
I thought I was at a Pavarotti
concert for a minute.
Have you been with Didi before?
Tell the truth.
No, I haven't.
I haven't been with Didi before.
Before two weeks ago,
I had never slept with a woman.
That's the truth.
You wouldn't know that
by watchin' you work.
I know that...
I know that, because...
It's... you know what it is?
That "home court advantage" thing...
I knew... you were gonna say that.
Know how I knew?
Ask me...
you know how I knew?
How do you know, Marty?
Because I made the "home court
advantage" thing up.
It's bullshit, and I made it up.
- But it's true. It is true...
- No, it's bullshit...
Don't bullshit a bullshit artist.
I'm telling you, it's true.
It was like I knew exactly
what to do to please Didi,
And it was so... my God,
it was so powerful,
and it was nice, then - God -
she did these things to me,
and I thought I was
just gonna melt and gyrate...
I was there. I don't need to hear
the minutes read back, okay?
I was in the room. That was me...
The guy with his thumb up his ass.
That was me.
- Marty?
- Yeah?
I need to leave early today.
Donald and I are going to Big Bear
to check out this banquet hall.
There's a giant moose head
he's convinced should be
the centerpiece for our reception,
I have to be there to tell him
how wrong he is.
- All right, take the day off.
Listen, Diva...
- About yesterday...
- No, Marty, don't worry about it.
It's cool.
Laura?
Laura?
(squeaking and giggling)
What...?
Diva?
I can't believe this.
- Marty, don't be upset.
- Don't be upset? What should I be?
My wife and assistant
are in bed together, what should I be?
It's not like that.
- Oh, it's not like that?
- No...
What's it like? It is like that.
You're screwing around on me.
She's not screwing around
on you, I promise.
Diva, you lied, okay?
You lied.
You said you were going
to look at a moose head,
which I gotta say, is the exact
opposite of what you're looking at.
Marty, the showing got cancelled.
I didn't lie to you.
We decided not to go.
Okay, good! Go back to work.
Don't come here and burrow your head
between my wife's legs.
Marty? Why are you doing this?
This... was for you.
We are warming up for you.
"Warming up"? Waiting for me?
Yes, this was supposed
to be a surprise,
'cause I was planning
a little three-way... for you.
A surprise for me?
Yes - so, come on in, babe.
Laura, do you really think
I'm gonna fall for that?
(groaning and thumping)
Okay... that was a good
surprise three-way, we can stop.
Okay, Laura, everyone's good
and warmed up.
Okay, Laura...
How stupid do I look?
"Warming up" for me...?
Warming up for me?
How stupid do I look, huh?!
(Billy:)
What's up? You seem a little low.
(Marty:)
Low? Yeah, I guess.
- What's up?
- Nothin'.
Come on, what's goin' on?
Laura and I...
are going through something.
What, is she sleeping
with a woman?
You guessed that?
Who told you that?
- You guessed that?
- What, did I guess right?
Wait a minute. Your wife,
is sleeping with another woman?
If you wanna get technical,
she's sleeping with two women.
Your wife is sleeping
with a couple of women?!
Wow.
I begged and I pushed...
and it happened.
Good for you.
Actually, it gets worse.
You mean, it gets better.
No... it gets worse.
She's doing Diva.
Diva?
Your wife is sleeping
with your assistant, Diva?
Diva - Diva?
Yes... yes.
It's not funny, Murphy.
It's not funny.
Did she happen to mention
if she was any good?
It's not funny, Murphy!
All right, I'm sorry.
But, you know...
it's a video I would
definitely go and rent.
So, Jane, how was your week?
Eventful, I hope?
Not as eventful as Laura's.
You told her? I can't believe it.
That's a breach.
Honey, she's my best friend.
I tell her everything.
Apparently, you do.
Are you gonna tell me
you didn't tell Billy and Murphy?
No, I didn't. Of course not.
I wouldn't do that.
- Did she tell you everything?
- Oh, yeah.
She tell you
she seduced my assistant?
- I love it.
- You love it?
Good, Jane,
egg her on, that's good.
After dinner, we'll go to the Forum,
they're playing
women's basketball tonight,
she can just do the whole team.
How's that?
Just throw her in the locker room.
Hey! Open up.
Remember me?
The guy barely paying the mortgage?
Come on.
(Laura:)
Okay, I'm coming. Hold on.
Why's the door locked?
What are you doing?
- Nothing.
- You're alone...?
You're in here alone?
Yeah, I'm alone.
Hi, Marty.
Marty, don't be mad.
Diva! Jane...!
Hello, pen dick.
Guess who brought the play toys?
Laura...!
Hey, Marty...
don't be mad.
It's just a little nightmare.
You had a dream...
that they had an orgy,
and locked you out.
Not a dream, a nightmare.
Three incredible women,
lying around,
lapping up
the little man in the canoe,
where is the nightmare in that?
The nightmare is,
they want nothing to do with me.
I was locked outside the door.
That speaks of sexual
inadequacy to me.
Exactly.
What are you talking about?
It was your dream,
all I'm sayin' is...
if that were me,
in that situation,
and I found myself
locked outside the bedroom door,
with my schmekel in my mitt,
I'd be thinking about sex therapy.
That's all I'm sayin'.
Are you mad, Marty?
Don't be mad.
Mad? I'm not mad,
I'm worried.
I'm justifiably worried.
Honey, you shouldn't be.
I'm just experimenting as a woman.
- Really, it's nice.
- Oh, that's nice...
it's "nice".
Obviously, I've been hiding
things from you... from myself...
It's gonna be okay. Either way,
it's not a big deal, all right?
Tomorrow I'm going to Vegas,
and the drive...
and the time away,
will be good for me. Okay?
You're going to Vegas
with my sister.
Listen, I'm beggin' you.
This is my baby sister.
- This is my baby sister.
- Marty, stop it.
- We go to Vegas every year...
- This isn't every year!
I am not going to disappoint her.
Nothing is going to happen.
Would you just relax?
All set, Laura.
I'm rarin' and ready to go.
I am your prisoner
for the next 24 hours.
Just... do with me what you will.
Oh, God...
Listen to me,
we need to postpone this,
just till we get you professional help.
I don't need professional help, Marty.
Okay, I got a good compromise.
Separate rooms, okay?
On the far side of the hotel.
You can be in the east wing,
she can be in the west wing.
You're on thin ice here, Laura,
thin ice...
- Laura, sweetie...
- Bye.
No, don't go! No, wait...
Bye, Marty!
Laura, don't you dare have sex
with my baby sister!
(knocking)
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Murphy.
- Made myself a little sandwich.
- No problem.
Where's Laura?
She's in Vegas with my sister.
Is she diddling your sister?
She is?
I didn't say that.
Your wife is diddling your sister...!
Your wife is diddling your sister?
Your wife - is diddling your sister?!
That's great!
Your wife is diddling your sister?
Hey, who can blame her?
Your sister's a hottie.
Can I use your phone?
I wanna call my wife,
I'd like to set the two of them up
for a little lunch.
(car approaching)
Ellen, baby... hi.
Have fun?
Look at this, you're dressed alike...?
You're all happy, look at you,
you're happy.
You won? Is that what happened,
you won?
No? You lost, and you're all smiley
'cause you lost?
Actually, we didn't gamble.
No, no gambling.
I'll see you soon.
I had a wonderful time.
So did I. Bye.
Wonderful? What do you mean,
"wonderful"?
You saw shows? You
went shopping... right?
- No shows.
- No shows...?
Laura... tell me you didn't
have sex with my sister.
I didn't have sex with your sister.
I mean, not like you're thinking.
Not really.
Not really? What does that mean,
"not really"?
How do you "not really"
have sex with someone's sister?
We talked, we held each other,
and it was really nice.
You know what? It's been so long
since anybody's touched her.
Don't tell me that.
I don't wanna know that.
Do you want breakfast?
I'm gonna have a giant breakfast.
This is becoming
a nightmare with you.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
You're taking this the wrong way.
I am feeling so great.
Oh, good.
This is going
to be good for us.
"Good for us"...? How is this
going to be good for us?!
You had sex with my sister!
Hey...
big family reunion coming,
why don't you make a wish list?
Well, that's it.
I've blown it.
Turned her into a sex monster.
She's gonna leave me, too, Billy.
I can feel it.
You haven't blown it.
She's not going anywhere.
So she likes girls, big deal.
So do you.
Now you got something in common.
This is what you wanted.
Relax. Enjoy it.
Easy for you to say, BIIly.
It's not your wife.
If it was my wife,
I'd be diggin' it.
But that ain't never gonna happen.
Carol's too damned hungry
to bother having sex.
Hey, just spoke with Pembroke.
Got some pretty good news for ya...
- Guy sounds very interested...
- Yeah?
What was that for?
That's for you
and your wife's big mouth.
I'm sorry, honey.
I did tell Carol
about what you told me
about Billy's girlfriend.
I'm sorry.
I was in a weakened state,
and we were talking,
she was vulnerable...
she was hungry and she needed
someone to share a pizza with.
And not be judged for it.
She really needed me.
Carol really needed me.
She did.
Hey, Marty, how's that hot
little wife of yours?
Wouldn't mind gettin' me
some of that action.
I'd bang your wife so hard, Marty,
you'd think a brass band
was coming down the street.
Who's my bitch? I'd have her
screaming,"Who's my bitch?"
I would go so far down
on your wife,
you'd need a passport
to get her out of Central America.
I was with your wife so long,
I gotta put my tongue in a sling.
I'd chew her box
like a fuckin' hamster.
Nng-nng-nyagh!
Hey, babe.
Dr. Berman called.
He wants you to come right away.
Well, Marty, we found a polyp.
We need to take it out.
- Take it out?
- Does that mean surgery?
We do it here, now, run a test
and make sure it's benign.
Do it right here?
It's a very simple procedure, really.
Little prep work, one machine,
works with lasers.
Nice machines. Made by Sony.
Sony?
So... did I tell ya
I bought that Porsche Boxter?
Sweetie, wake up.
Wake up, honey.
- You need to eat.
- I'm not hungry, Laura.
You haven't eaten all day.
Have a little soup.
I don't want any soup.
Honey... here, let me help you up.
What? Why is it so important
that I eat soup?
- What do you mean?
- What'd you put in my soup?
- You put something in my soup?
- Marty...
Is that it? Slip a little doozy
in Marty's soup...
Send him off to all-boy heaven?
Move one of your little Bettys in,
is that what's going on?
- You're delirious.
- I'm not delirious,
not with everything that's going on.
It's not far-fetched.
Perfect time. Blame it on the polyp.
How do I know you didn't
put something in this soup?
You're being ridiculous, honey.
Would you like me
to try the soup?
Yeah... you have the soup.
I'm sorry... I'm just wacked.
I'm sorry.
Hey, I'm sorry.
It's good soup.
(ringing)
Hello?
Yeah, just a moment.
Honey...
it's Dr. Berman.
- Hello?
- Marty? Jerry Berman.
These calls go one of two ways.
This one's going your way,
Marty. You're fine.
You should have a good life.
Give Laura my love...
and Marty, I gotta tell ya,
I've known you a long time,
you're the biggest baby
I've ever operated on. Ever.
I mean it. You're a wuss, Marty.
Okay, bye-bye.
Bye.
It's okay.
Marty?
I love you.
The scare was really good for me.
It made me realize
how much I love you.
Lately, I've been thinking I was hiding
this dark desire from you...
but, I haven't been.
Not at all.
It's not what I want.
I want what we have.
It's more important to me
than having sex with women.
I only wanna be with you.
Really, that's what I figured out...
I just wanna have sex with you.
Thanks, Laura. I gotta tell you,
I feel the same way.
A lot of sex, Marty.
A lot of sex...?
Okay... good.
I wanna triple the amount
of sex that we have.
You wanna triple the amount
of sex we have?
It's a lot of sex.
Ow - ow, ow...!
Don't stop, don't stop.
Was that okay?
You could do better.
I'm ready again, Marty.
Wake up.
Aggh - gentle, babe...!
Gentle...!
Come on... up-up-up!
It's playtime!
(car horn tootling)
Oh, shit, it's the Pembrokes.
- Hey, Dave.
- Hey, Marty, how ya doin'?
- Doin' good.
- Sorry to just drop by...
but we were in the neighborhood.
I thought you might
show us that house.
Definitely. Let me tell Laura
that I'm gonna go.
Bring her. I have a feeling
I'll need some company.
- Marty, you okay?
- I'm fine.
Every bedroom has it's own balcony.
First class windows,
everything high end...
Everything.
We get the best of everything.
Marty, this is a hell of a house.
This kid is a real talent.
Yes, he is, he's very talented.
He's lucky he's got
a strong partner, this was not easy...
I am very impressed
with this kid's work.
I'm glad.
We put a lot of work into it.
So, do you really dislike L.A.?
No. Dave does.
When you stay married long enough...
you have to think hard
which opinions are your own.
Yeah, I find myself doing that.
Grafting onto Marty's
likes and dislikes.
I hate to admit, being with Dave
has really changed me.
I used to be a Democrat.
He turned me into a Republican.
They can do that.
Before Dave, I was actually
a bit of a liberal.
What's this room in here?
This room is gonna be...
this is the...
I don't know. He's gonna be here,
we'll ask him.
Evie wants to have lunch.
Lunch with you and Evie?
You think that's a good idea?
What are you talking about?
Her husband is my only
serious silent investor...
and you have the sexual self-control
of a 52-year-old senator.
- You tell me.
- Thank you very much, honey.
Oh, damn, I got a parking ticket.
Goddamn parking ticket.
Honey, calm down.
It's just a parking ticket.
It's not a parking ticket.
It's God fucking with me.
First, he sends parking tickets,
then drought and famine.
No, he's not in either.
I asked Romberg, he gave me
the "money is tight" speech.
I'll figure it out.
All right...
Bye.
I've been thinking about it.
You think she really likes you?
Evie Pembroke?
Yeah, I think she likes me.
I know this is gonna piss you off...
this is gonna sound bad,
but I think you should pursue it.
Marty...?
Are you asking me
to have sex with Evie?
No, I'm not ask... no.
I'm asking you to do
your little pizza gag,
do your little rap on her,
you know, get cozy...
Excuse me, I don't have a "rap",
and I resent this.
I'm just asking you to get
a litle friendly with the woman,
get to know her, talk her into
talking her husband...
into investing in my project, okay?
It's a favor I'm asking,
to keep this house, our lifestyle,
I need you to go in
for one last strategic hit.
What?
Wasn't such a big goddamn deal
when you were chasing my sister
around the Wayne Newton Suite.
Laura...!
These are so great,
you really are talented.
Thank you.
Marty made all my shelves.
I love this little guy.
That's my dad.
That's my father.
Really?
I didn't know you knew my father.
Laura, I really,
really love your work.
It's so... warm.
Thank you.
I didn't know you did women.
I... don't, really...
I tried a few.
Looks like you have
a feel for them.
Do you like it?
I think I figured out...
that I preferred doing men.
That's a shame.
Look at you...
You're blushing.
- Am I?
- You're bright red...
I really don't think
we should be doing this.
Yes, we should...
I really don't...
Yes. We should.
I thought you were against this?
Me? No... Dave is.
- Dave is?
- Let go.
I'm the opposite of Dave.
Dave is square.
I am the opposite of square.
You're the opposite of square?
The first night I met you,
I picked up on your energy.
I've got an eye
and an ear for it.
I can pick 'em out in a crowd.
Straight little wife
with a straight little life.
You're so pent up, aren't you?
It's okay. You're about ready
to let the dam burst.
I think I kinda like the dam.
I'm not sure
I wanna see it burst.
I've gotta go.
We'll continue this conversation
another time.
Hey, how you doin', man?
Listen...
I'm kidding. I was joking.
Hey... she looks great.
Hi, Carol.
(Billy:)
I don't know what your wife did to her,
but she's a whole different animal.
She's on a diet, she's into sex,
So things worked out, right?
Friends again?
No.
I know why you told her.
You think you're better than me.
Because you think you don't cheat
behind your wife's back...
because you cheat
in front of her face,
you've found this high moral ground
where you can judge me from.
- That's not true, Billy.
- It is true.
It isn't...
It is, and you know it.
And you're wrong.
You can be in the same bed
with your wife and be cheating on her.
- You're in big trouble with God.
- Don't say that.
I'm gonna finish the house,
we'll sell it...
You'll get your money back,
then, you know what?
We're done. I mean it.
We're done.
Fine. I got it.
I don't like you.
I don't trust you.
I got it.
I just realized that you're not
my kinda guy.
Hey - I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
Evie...! Hi.
I was just going shopping.
You wanna join me?
Shopping? No, no...
I've already done my shopping.
I'm here to close a sale.
Close a sale?
- I'm going inside.
- You're going inside?
Inside, upstairs, I'm gonna wait
for you in the bedroom.
Wait for me?
I don't have a lotta time.
It's my Cub Scout pickup day.
Come on, come on...
quickly.
Wait for me upstairs...?
Door's locked.
Billy? It's for you.
- This is Billy.
- This is Pembroke...
Where's your partner?
I got a check for him.
I'm in with you guys,
I just wanna go over a few things.
I don't know.
I think he went home.
I'll head over there.
I'll talk to you soon.
All right.
Hey...
you wanna have
some real fun?
More fun than this?
Those are Marty's favorite ties...
Aw, poor Marty.
To hell with Marty!
I want you to tie me up.
Now, push me down!
Push me hard.
There you go...
tied up and gagged. What's next?
(garbled)
The pillow...?
Evie, you're starting
to scare me now.
Laura?
Laura?
- Oh, shit!
- Marty...!
Are you kiddin' me?!
Marty...
don't be mad.
Don't be mad.
You were the one, you told me...
I was, what? "The one", what?
I told you to tie her up?!
You've got Dave Pembroke's wife
tied up in our bedroom!
Have you lost touch with reality?!
Marty... you started all of this.
You.
- Me...?
- Yes.
I said, "get chummy with her."
I didn't ask to take her hostage.
Oh, my God!
You made me open certain doors
that I shouldn't have opened.
What are you talking about?
You know exactly
what I'm talking about.
- This is what you wanted.
- What I wanted?
I wanted you to tie up
Evie Pembroke in our bedroom?
You wanted me to be...
you know!
What?
I wanted you to try a few things.
I wanted you to fool around a little.
Is that so bad?
I didn't want you to become
a walking orgasm!
Jesus, you've taken
the whole thing way too far!
No, I haven't.
Don't you say that.
- Yes, you have.
- Don't you say that!
Listen to me. You've taken
the whole thing way too far.
You're tying women up,
and you're gagging them, now.
That's too far. What's next...
I'm gonna come home and you'll be
performing surgery on some girl!
It is not like that.
This is your fault.
I was happy...
I was happy
just being your wife!
Oh, Laura,
will you just calm dowm?
If you had all this in you,
it was gonna come out sooner or later.
Maybe, maybe not.
Maybe I didn't want the dam to burst.
Ever think about that?
What "dam"?
What are you talking about?
You burst the dam, Marty.
What fuckin' "dam"?
- This is all your doing.
- My doing?
You tied that woman up in there.
Not me... you.
- She's tied up with my Hugo Boss ties?
- She picked the ties.
Oh... she has taste.
That's good to know.
(doorbell rings)
- Who's this?
- I don't know.
Well, go find out.
(gasping)
- Marty!
- What?
It's Dave!
He's here? Dave?!
- Why's he here?
- I don't know.
He is here.
What do we do?
Act natural.
No... that's semi-natural.
Yes... whatever...
do it over there.
Hey, Dave,
how ya doin', Dave...?
Hey... hey, Dave...
Hey, Dave...!
Hey, Dave! How, ya doin'?
Come out to the yard...
- Where's my wife?
- Your wife? I don't know...
You wanna go down to the corner,
get a drink, talk about the project?
- No... her car's here.
- Her car's here...?
- Hi, Laura.
- Hey, Dave, how ya doin'?
Where's Evie?
She's not here...
No, she's not here... no.
Her car's here. Any idea why
her car would be here?
Her car is here?
Wow...
I'm not a car person,
so I wouldn't know.
She's never been a car person.
You're not a "car person"?
Dave, let's go in the yard,
and have a drink...
I don't wanna drink, Marty,
I need to find my wife.
(doorbell rings)
- Maybe that's her.
- No, it's not her.
Honey, you don't know
that it's not her.
- I don't?
- He doesn't?
I don't... I couldn't know.
There's no way I'd know it's not her.
But I'll check and I'll see.
I'll get the door.
Go in the yard, okay, buddy?
Yeah, come in... the yard.
Didi... bad time.
Laura's not here.
Marty wait,
I have to talk to Laura.
I want to take her
to the sculpture sympo-see-um.
I really think
it would be good for her.
Laura's not here,
and I'm in the middle of something.
You have to go.
Her car is here, I know she's here.
What is your problem?
Didi, don't take this wrong...
but Laura does not want
to be part of your little club.
My "little club"?
Yes. She had a trial membership,
and we're not gonna renew.
"A trial membership"?
...And I have to go.
It's not about you, no offense,
but we're not gonna
renew the membership.
What's the deal with Marty?
We just bought
a new espresso machine,
and he just had...
whoa... way too much.
I'm gonna say goodbye.
All you guys think you know
so much about lesbians...
you think you're so into lesbians,
but you're not.
You are into what you wish
lesbians were...
cock-hungry nyphos,
keeping themselves busy
until a real man hits town.
That's not the reality.
Quickly, what's the reality?
I gotta go.
The reality is, that you pushed,
and you pushed,
and now your wife eats pussy
better than you do.
Have a nice day.
Honey...?
That have anything
to do with Evie?
- Wasn't Evie?
- No...
Someone about a "sympo-see-um".
- A "sympo-see-um"?
- Yeah, a "sympo-see-um".
A "sympo-see-um"?
Yeah...!
Yeah, Dave...
What the hell
is going on here, Marty?
Let's go get a drink...
I'm going stir crazy.
I gotta get out of the house...
(mumbling)
What's that?
- Our dog...
- Sounds like Evie.
It's our new dog.
A barking terrier.
Is that Evie?
Evie...?
Evie...!
(distressed cry)
Evie!
Holy mother of God!
Evie...!
Dave, I had nothing
to do with this.
I came in, saw the same thing,
and went, "Aggh!"
Son of a bitch!
You pervert!
(Evie squealing)
You're fucking dead!
No, no, Dave...!
You are a dead man, Marty!
Was it worth it, Marty?
'Cause you are gonna die!
Just stop it!
Are you all okay, Marty?
No, I'm not okay!
Do I look okay to you?
You are a dead man, Marty.
Don't hurt him.
No, no, it was me...
I tied Evie up!
- You tied my wife up?
- Yes...!
She didn't wanna do it!
It was me!
I didn't want to,
she seduced me.
I swear, I swear.
Laura didn't wanna tie her up.
Evie seduced her.
It's true, Dave.
It's true.
I wasn't gonna sleep
with any more women.
At least, not for a while, anyway.
Okay, good. Conversation
for another time...?
Dave... listen...
I'm a stand-up guy.
I would not tie your wife up.
I wouldn't.
I've known you a long time...
I wouldn't do anything
to jeopardize our relationship.
What the hell is your deal, man?
Married to some weird L.A. Sex freak?
Is that your thing?
Dave... don't call Laura names.
What should I call her?
That's what she is...
she's got my wife tied
and gagged up there.
What should I call her?
You're married to a deviate
L.A. Sex twat.
Dave, screw you.
Don't call Laura names. I mean it.
Screw you, Marty!
You're way overreacting,
I'm the one that should be pissed off.
You're overreacting, "Sunscreen".
I mean it. Take your Orange County
weatherbeaten ass...
go get your drip-dry, grisly,
whacked-out excuse for a wife,
and get the hell out of here.
I'm serious.
I mean it. You're a Republican.
This is a No Republican Zone.
You're messin' up
my property values.
Yeah.
Take off, Dave.
Aw, the hell with it.
To hell with you...
and to hell with her.
The hell with you!
Okay, Laura, he gets the message.
Don't be surprised when you get
a bill for cleaning and pressing
four Hugo Boss ties,
okay, Pembroke?
Oh, good, kick my gate, Millionaire.
That'll help.
Shit... that didn't go well.
It was nice
what you did, though. Thanks.
You're welcome.
I gotta pay the mortgage, though.
I think we're this close to violating
a federal law of some kind.
Go upstairs, and untie Evie.
No way...
I'm not gonna untie her.
You got a woman tied
and gagged upstairs. Go and untie her.
No, I'm not gonna untie her.
Hey... you tied her up...
Marty Barnes...
you go untie her yourself.
No, you tied her up,
you go untie her.
Go untie her, Marty.
Now!
Fine. I'll untie her.
It's not that big a deal to me.
I'm going.
Hi... Evie, hi.
Before I untie you,
while I have your attention...
I just wanted
to take a minute and say...
I know this is gonna be
really rough on you and Dave.
It's probably gonna end up
in divorce for the two of you.
That's really sad...
Okay, what I'm thinking is...
you're gonna have
half of Dave's money, right?
I gotta really good investment for you.
A project I'm working on...
- Hey, beautiful.
- Hey, honey.
Like my hair?
You kiddin'?
I'm crazy about it.
- Hungry?
- Yeah, I'm starved.
Can we go someplace nice?
Whatever you want.
Hi, I'm Henry.
I'm Marty.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
You like her new hair?
Her hair?
Yeah, I like her hair.
Thanks.
- Nice meeting you, Henry.
- Bye.
You like this restaurant,
don't you?
- Always did.
- I know you did.
Know what? We're gonna start
coming here again.
That'd be nice. Thanks.
What did you think of Henry?
The guy at your salon?
Seemed like a nice guy.
You think he's openly bisexual?
What do you mean,
"openly bisexual"?
Well, If I went
in there this afternoon...
and went, "Hey...
is anybody in here bisexual?"
What do you think ol' Henry would do?
What's your point, Laura?
I think it would be
good for you.
Good for me?
You're messin' with me, right?
Yeah.
I might be.
("Double Trouble Lover"
By Kevin Williams & Dread Flimstone)
(reggae music starts)
(screams and sirens)
Oh, damn it.
This thing is not designed
for a human to pour coffee with.
Go sit down, I'll bring
your breakfast.
- It's a gag coffeepot.
- It's okay.
Here you go, sweetie.
I was reading about
this new sex scandal.
So, last night was okay?
It wasn't too quick?
- It was nice.
- Are you sure?
- I've got so much on my mind...
- It was nice. It always is.
- It always is?
- Um-hmm.
It always is?
You want some melon?
You're totally satisfied
with our sex life?
Yeah, I'm totally satisfied, honey.
I'll get you some melon.
And there's nothing
you would do different?
No changes you would make?
Different?
Yeah...
nothing you wanna try?
Try the melon...
it's so good.
Nothing...
you've always been
curious about...?
No, I'm just
completely happy.
You are?
Try the melon,
it's so good.
(Radio:)
Have you ever practiced lesbianism?
- No.
- Other women don't excite you?
- No.
- Have these ladies come on to you?
Umm... if so, I didn't notice it.
Are you having lunch
with me today?
No, sorry, Didi,
Marty's taking me to lunch.
That's okay, I understand.
If he cancels, though,
I'm still available.
Your husband's taking you to lunch?
That's sweet.
Yeah, he is sweet.
(doorbell rings)
Hey, beautiful.
Hey...
- You hungry?
- Ooh, I'm starved.
- Can we go someplace nice?
- Anywhere you want.
Darn, you showed.
If you didn't show,
I was gonna take her to lunch.
Sorry to disappoint you, Didi,
but I showed.
Yes, you did, I'm not
gonna hold it against you, though.
Have a nice lunch
with your sexy-ass wife.
- I will.
- You ready?
Definitely.
What, you're mad? Don't be mad,
it's a nice restaurant.
Come on, I don't have time
I'm behind the eight-ball at work.
I made that doctor's appointment
for you today.
Don't forget it, okay?
I cannot believe I gotta
let 'em put a camera in my ass.
You're at the age where
you gotta take care of yourself.
They called the office.
Know what they wanna know?
Do I wanna pay extra
to use the Sony?
They got a Sony product
that goes up my ass.
"Sony Assman".
So what's the deal
with little Didi at work?
Any new lesbian stories?
I don't think she's a lesbian.
She might be bisexual.
That's better still.
We like bisexual.
- We do?
- Yes, we do.
Is she openly bisexual?
What do you mean
by "openly bisexual"?
I mean, is she openly bisexual?
If I went right now to the salon,
and opened the front door,
I walked in and yelled,
"Hey, anybody here bisexual?",
what would little Didi do?
Do we have to talk about Didi's
sexuality all the time?
Yes...
You're totally obsessed by this
every time you see her.
She's hot for you, Laura.
It's the start of the new millenium,
everyone's doin' it.
Don't be so straight.
I am straight.
I think it'd be good for ya.
- Is that what you think?
- I do...
I think it'd be good for us.
Menage a trois,
inside the confines
of a good marriage.
What happens if I like it?
If you like it? Great.
What if you come home
and we are going at it in our bedroom?
Wouldn't you be just a little hurt?
Hurt? Only if I smash my face
on the headboard...
diving under the blankets
with the two of you...
I'd be thrilled you found
a new hobby you liked.
See how clear that picture is?
The same way you're looking
around the office,
I'm looking at the lower intestines,
and then this curves it around...
And this is actually a job
you wanted as a kid?
That's funny.
Lie down there.
We'll see who's laughing
in about a minute.
Knees forward, if you would, please.
Be gentle.
I know this comes as a shock,
but I'm not real excited about this.
No... that makes two of us.
Oh-oh-oh!
Wait, wait...
Ow, ow!
Pull it out, Jerry!
Pull it out!
Hey, four-year-old,
it's just the lubricant.
I haven't started
with the probe yet.
Gentle is the buzzword
for today, okay?
Ohh!
Have you seen that new
Porsche Boxter?
It's a beauty.
Ohh-hh!!
(doorbell rings)
Hey... Jane!
- Hi!
- How're you doin'?
I didn't know you were in town.
I'm going to San Francisco.
I was gonna visit on my way back,
but I decided to visit
on my way up.
- Didn't Laura tell you?
- No, she didn't.
But that's okay.
You're always welcome, you know that.
What?
I just miss you.
It's great to see my best friend.
I miss you too.
- I love this.
- I just got it.
That is so not me.
No.
So how are your sculptures doing?
They're doing great.
I think a gallery wants to show them.
I love this one.
Is this new?
It really works on the piano.
Isn't it great, Marty?
$18,000 in lessons,
and tchotchkes for the living room,
I couldn't be more happy.
Are you kiddin' me, Jane?
I don't want her having hobbies,
- I want it to be all about me.
- About you, huh?
You should be making
little sculptures of me.
Feels so good.
It's so good to see you.
Wow, look at this,
erotic feet massaging.
This is great.
Good and gay, I love this.
- It is not gay.
- What?
Can you imagine me
and one of my buddies...
sitting on this couch,
rubbing each other's feet?
Not a pretty sight, is it?
Women can get away with this,
and it's a beautiful thing.
It's not gay, Marty.
It's gay, and I love it.
I'm not into women, but if I was,
this would be my first stop,
and you, my dear,
would be in serious trouble.
That's it. I'm going upstairs
to write to "Penthouse".
Is he serious?
He would love it if I would
sleep with him and a woman.
Apparently, it's all he
and his buddies ever talk about.
What is it with these guys
and that stupid fantasy?
They can't please one woman,
let alone two.
Maybe that's what
the second woman is for...
to do half the work.
Diva, did the mail come?
Mmm - yes.
And I'm sorry, but they're all bills.
Well, I can handle them, okay?
Once Billy finishes this house...
those lots are gonna sell like crazy.
I'm not worried.
Nothing fazes you, Marty.
I'll tell you what fazes me...
- You marrying that ski bum...
- I'll bet.
It does... I'm concerned,
can't you tell?
How's he gonna support you,
this guy?
What's the pay scale
for the ski patrol?
Guy's got no future, Diva.
Oh, he's got a future, stop it.
The ski patrol? What's he gonna
make one day, sergeant?
Best case scenario,
you're married to a mountie.
I got a great idea for an investor.
Dave Pembroke.
Dave Pembroke?
From Michigan, Dave Pembroke?
I remember him...
he was a real tough guy,
beating everybody's ass.
He was in my brother's grade,
that whole crowd of guys...
who got their jollies
beating people up.
Well, now he's getting some jollies
outta $30 million.
Guy's got 18 furniture stores
down in Orange County.
Hey, Clay.
You got my note?
I've invited him
Sunday for brunch.
Sunday's not good for me.
Why? What's Sunday?
You got that girl coming in?
From Fresno?
You know what, Bill?
You're married, you got two kids...
Would you relax?
I'm having fun.
Having fun?
You're gonna get caught.
- I'm not gonna get caught.
- You're cheating on your wife...
you're gonna get caught.
Listen to me...
You're in a situation
you can't control.
And somewhere along the way,
someone, some idiot...
is gonna say the wrong thing
at the wrong time,
- and it's gonna get back to Carol.
- Would you relax?
- Nobody knows, Marty.
- I'll tell you who knows...
This is gonna sound corny,
and you'll tease me later,
but I'll tell ya who knows.
God knows.
God does not know.
And if he does know...
- he doesn't care.
- He does care, okay?
Cheating on your wife
is not cool.
I know - I'm gonna get struck down
by a bolt of lightning...
- is that what you're telling me?
- Exactly...
that's what I'm saying,
and I stand real close to you,
so I'd appreciate it
if you'd get your shit together.
Don't you judge me.
Have you seen my wife lately?
- She's fat.
- She's not fat...
She's fat. She's not
into sex anymore...
all she wants to do is eat.
I'm a man. I got my needs.
I have my needs, too.
At the top of my needs list,
is you to be at my house
for brunch on Sunday.
Marty's on my case about going
to this brunch at his house.
- Brunch?
- He's making a big deal about it.
That's a Jew thing, brunch.
They can't decide if they want
breakfast or lunch,
so they have both.
I can't wait
till he hears the gossip.
He's gonna love it.
He's got a thing for her.
- He's got a thing for Diva?
- He would never admit it...
but he's dying to just take her.
So why doesn't he just do it?
For one reason, she's engaged.
And also because...
he's very hung up
about not screwing around.
The guy's very straight that way.
I don't get that.
European men, they've been
doing it for centuries.
Doesn't make 'em assholes.
Guy in America, gets a little
action on the side,
they label him an asshole.
I do not get that.
And I blame the Pilgrim men.
In the beginning of our society,
they got all religious and puritanical.
They fucked the whole thing up.
They gave away deal points
they had no business giving away.
Where did you hear that?
I should have negotiated that deal.
We'd all be gettin' laid.
- Gentlewomen, what's up?
- How are you?
I'm good. Take care of your
little scheduling problem?
- See?
- Jew.
I'm not going to brunch
with Dave Pembroke.
The guy's Republican.
Big deal, so am I
when I'm looking for an investor.
Wait till you hear the good gossip.
The good gossip? Coming from you,
Murphy, it's bullshit.
It's about your assistant... Diva.
What about Diva?
The guy that sold car phones
to Eric Keldren's company?
Went to college with her.
He was in her dorm.
Said she spent a fair amount
of time on the front line...
saw a lot of action.
So what? What is it?
Guess.
She did a two-way.
- Better...
- She did a gang-bang.
It's coming from Eric. I don't believe
a word out of his mouth.
Girls.
- She did girls.
- She did girls?
This is true?
Diva did girls in college?
(Laura:)
You believe that story is true?
I believe it.
Keldren's a lot of things,
but the guy's not a liar.
She's young.
Young girls...
they're all into it nowadays.
It's become very fashionable.
Yeah? Well, for me, it hasn't.
Will you cut it out
with the cookies? Cholesterol.
One cookie.
Will you look at this?
Lucia's getting so lazy.
She put the bowl away
without drying it.
You know what I'm thinkin'?
It would be good for you.
- Like a life lesson.
- For me?
Yeah... open you up a little bit.
I think it would be fun.
I'm sure it would be fun for you.
You'd be having a lot of fun.
You're always saying you wanna
do things for the marriage.
Always talking about hobbies
and projects and shit,
that's what this would be.
It would be like a bonding thing.
How stupid do I look to you?
All right, so I took a shot.
How much longer before dinner?
I'm starved.
Looks like you've already
eaten dinner.
I've been married to my husband
for 30 years.
- Wow, that's great.
- It's a miracle...
that in the last 30 years,
I didn't kill him in his sleep.
Jump on a plane,
and not come back.
- How long have you been married?
- Six years.
That's nice.
Gonna have kids?
Yeah, I think we will.
Have all the fun you can
while you can.
Do it now,
get it out of the way.
The spending and traveling
and the nuttiness. Just do it all.
Do it all before the kids come.
After the kids come,
there's no more fun.
- Come on, you love your kids, right?
- Not today.
I don't love anybody today.
Except you.
I love my hairdresser.
Oh - oh - oh...!
- Was that okay?
- Yeah, it was. Oh yeah.
Good.
Still is to me,
I gotta tell you, Laura...
I look down and wonder
how I got into bed
with a woman
as good looking as you.
I do.
After all this time,
I still think you're going
to look at me and yell for a cop.
Oh, Marty... shut up.
See what I'm saying? We have sex,
what's the first thing you do?
You get up and wash up.
How does that work?
So that's what
you really want, huh?
For me to have sex
with you and another woman?
Yeah...
Oh, yeah.
I'd like it a lot.
And you want me to kiss her,
and... you know...
go down on her?
Yeah... I mean,
if you wanted to go down on her.
I don't know.
- I don't know if I could.
- What...?
I do it all the time,
it's not so bad.
Plus, you have...
the home court advantage.
- What's that?
- Home court advantage...
that's what you have.
Think about it.
You're a woman,
you know what's going on down there.
You could do it better
than me your first time out...
on my best night ever.
Which was...
last April, at the cabin.
Rememeber?
You could be better than that.
Better than last me April.
- I could?
- You could, first time out, because...
you have the home court advantage.
That's my theory...
on why women are getting
into other women.
- Yeah? What's that theory?
- Human nature.
Everybody likes to do something
that they're good at...
everyone likes to excel.
Women are finding something
that they're really good at,
really easily, really fast.
And they're really enjoying it.
And it's home court advantage.
I think you would be somebody
that would benefit from it.
(gargling)
I couldn't do it with a stranger.
I want you to know that.
All right, fine.
And I'm not gonna do it
with Diva, all right?
- Diva?
- You do not get to screw Diva.
Fine. Diva's off the list.
Forget Diva.
I love the fact
we're having this conversation.
- I bet you do.
- What about Didi at your salon?
Come on, Marty,
I have to work with her.
Part time. You work with her
part time. She's perfect.
You don't want it
to be a stranger.
We know her but
we don't really know her.
She's cute, too,
in her way, and...
you know she's into
this kinda thing, so...
I like Didi.
I think she's sweet.
I like Didi, too.
Put Didi at the top of the list.
Operation Didi.
Call her up,
have her for dinner.
If it works out, great.
If it doesn't,
I'll do the dishes.
(doorbell chimes)
- Hi...!
- Hi, Didi.
- How are you?
- Good. Come on in.
You did these?
Yeah, I did.
God...
Laura, they're wonderful.
Thank you.
Do you like my perfume?
Roses.
Yeah.
Marty...?
Didi... it's great
that you finally came over,
because Laura's wanted to have you
for dinner for the longest time.
You know, I don't think we need
any more wine. Drunk...
- Drinks.
- Drinks...? Oh, drunk.
- Let's get drunk.
- Drunk, let's get drunk.
Hard drinks.
I got a big jug of rum,
- does that sound good?
- I love rum. Rum and coke.
I'm dangerous on rum and coke.
We have a winner.
It's rum and coke.
You hear that? She's dangerous
on rum and coke, this one.
- Is he always this funny?
- Not always.
Where you from, Dee?
Chicago or something?
- I'm from all over.
- All over? Wow.
Yep. I'm an Army brat.
An Army brat? That is intense.
Tell us about it.
I lived with my dad
until I was 14.
Then out of nowhere,
I met my mom and I lived with her...
until we decided
that we hated each other.
Then I hitchhiked around
a little while, until I was 17
and I met this woman
I lived with in Florida,
but... it didn't really work out,
because she was sorta
in love with me...
I guess, to be honest,
I just enjoyed fucking her...
(crash)
Let me tell you this story...
This is so nice out here.
(reggae music plays softly)
Wow, Didi, you should be
a professional dancer.
She should.
Doesn't anybody
wanna dance with me?
All right, I'll dance.
Oh yeah... Oh, baby...
You're scaring me now.
Laura, come up here.
Look at this.
Laura, come dance with me.
Come on... come on.
Laura wanted to dance.
Didi wants to dance tonight.
I wanna dance so bad...
(music continues)
Didi, just stay there. I need Marty
to help me with something...
Marty...!
What's up? Havin' fun?
- No, honey, no.
- Yes.
I think this might be a mistake.
We should call it a night.
Call it a night? No,
we don't wanna call it a night.
Are you kidding me?
We're havin' fun.
- We are?
- Yes. She's hot for you, this girl.
Oh, God. I know, I know...
Are you sure this is what
you really want?
Let me think for a millionth
of a second...
Yes. Are you kiddin'?
We're having fun.
We're having a good time.
- You okay?
- Just fill this up.
(Didi:)
Is it okay if I go swimming?
Yes... go swimming,
are you kidding?
Our poolo es su poolo.
(Didi:)
Laura, is he always so funny?
Ohh, yeah...
So we got...
we got a little booze here.
- Are you coming in?
- Coming in...?
- Ohh...!
- Yeah.
I think we should go in.
I'm gonna get a swimsuit.
And so are you.
Come on.
We're gonna get a swimsuit...
and you...
just trawl around.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Hello.
Hey... hey...
hello.
Take you for a ride.
Can I borrow my wife?
(Didi:)
That looks like fun.
- I want one.
- Want a ride?
Okay, we'll give you a ride.
I'll put you up here.
You can nurse your drink...
We know what your
priorities are tonight.
Didi, you...
oh, Didi...!
(giggling)
Take me back to Laura.
I want one from Laura.
You want a ride from Laura?
What...?
Laura, what...?
Hey... what happened?
What happened down there, sweetie?
I don't know...
It just got too real or something.
I don't know. I felt stupid.
Hey... you're not stupid.
You're not.
I'm the stupid one.
This was a mistake.
This was a mistake. I'm sorry.
That's okay.
(knocking)
I'll send her home.
I'll say goodnight.
No, I'll talk to her.
Let me talk to her.
- Hey...
- Hi.
I'm sorry if I did anything
to make you feel badly.
You both made me
feel really comfortable,
and I haven't felt comfortable
around anyone for a long time.
God... you're just
so beautiful...
and great...
Should I go home?
Can I come in, then?
Yeah, you can come in.
(moaning and rattling)
You guys wanna knock off
and go get a drink?
(moaning continues)
Wow... that's what that flap is for.
Don't worry about me...
I'll be back.
I'll go downstairs
and get a drink, okay?
Get a drink...
do a couple hundred push-ups.
(moaning increases)
Murphy... can't tell Murphy.
Damn, damn...
(line ringing)
Hi.
You're not gonna believe this.
My wife, right now,
is upstairs - in my bedroom...
with little Didi...
the hottie at work...
and the two of them
are tearing into each other...
like there's no tomorrow...
Yeah, yeah, it gets better.
I'm up there.
I'm part of the package.
Yeah - no,
I'm just taking a break.
What...? No.
I don't wanna order a pizza.
I was just calling.
I had to tell someone.
(moaning continues)
Hey, you guys...
Marty's back.
Hey, honey...
Oh, shit. Damn.
Hey... Hi.
Hi.
- Bye.
- You leaving?
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
You too...
I mean, bye.
Thank you. See ya.
Bye.
Hey.
- How you doin'?
- Did you sleep well?
I did. How about you?
I had a good sleep.
I feel so rested.
You okay? Everything okay
with last night?
I'm okay. Are you okay?
Me? I'm very okay.
Especially if you're okay.
Oh, yeah, I am, I am.
You know what last night was?
I think it was educational.
Educational? I love to hear you
use the word educational.
That's great. You see?
You were worried.
And now, you're educated.
Oh, yeah.
Do you want some breakfast?
I'm going to have a giant breakfast.
So everything's okay, seriously?
No weirdness...
Oh, no, I'm cool.
Now I know what you mean by
the "home court advantage" thing.
Wow.
(Radio:)
Wow.
My scene is done actually
at my apartment.
- Your actual apartment?
- On my fire escape.
I have another scene,
a lesbian scene...
- Really?
- Which you will love.
Oh, I most certainly will.
- Girls.
- Have you been out to the site yet?
No, I have not been to the site.
Just want to know if you saw
the changes in the kitchen plan.
- No, I haven't seen them.
- I know what you're gonna say...
You're gonna say it costs too much.
I've been thinking about it...
and it ain't all about money.
You don't know
what I'm gonna say,
'cause that's not what I was
gonna say, 'cause you're right.
It ain't all about money.
What's your deal?
Fighting with your wife again?
She has burrowed her way
up inside my asshole.
Being married is very tough.
Yes, but it's only as tough
as you make it.
It's only as tough as you make it.
Know why you guys
are having trouble at home?
- You wanna know?
- Why?
- You're not shakin' it up.
- Excuse me?
That's all we're talking about here.
Shake it up.
- Shake it up?
- Yes. Shake it up.
You're the man.
That's your responsibility.
The women wanna be led.
They wanna be taught new tricks.
They wanna be shaken up.
What the fuck
are you talking about?
I'm talking about you,
going home...
and you, going home...
and teaching your wife
a couple of new tricks.
You will find the picture
changes very quickly.
Shake it up, boys.
(doorbell rings)
- Who's that?
- I don't know.
Why don't you go see?
(doorbell rings)
- It's Didi.
- Didi?
I wonder who called her?
(yelping and banging)
You two are on fire tonight.
Look at you.
Babe...? You okay?
Do you want to rest for a minute?
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Yeah, honey?
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
For a minute, I thought
you were having trouble breathing.
- No...
- Don't stop.
(moaning resumes)
(cries and thumping)
Hey.
Hey, you guys...
Hey... hey, Didi...
Hi.
- Guys having fun?
- Yeah.
Want me to bring up sandwiches?
Don't stop, don't stop.
(moans resume)
(Ioud cries and bumping)
Bye, Marty. See ya.
Bye.
"Bye, Marty. See ya."
(Radio:)
You wanna stand up for us?
Oh, please do.
You are a hottie.
Are you very proud
of yourself naked?
I wouldn't say "proud",
just comfortable.
- Have you ever done lesbianism?
- No...
- Hi.
- Diva.
What are you doing here?
The Pembrokes are coming over.
Laura called and asked me
to help with the big brunch.
- You didn't know about it?
- No... Laura called you?
I though it was a great idea.
Hi!
- You look great.
- Look at you, you look fabulous.
Come on in.
- Marty, how are ya?
- Hi, Marty.
Dave, Evie, how are you guys?
Good to see you.
You look amazing.
Look at you.
Both of you. You look great.
I'm not feeling too great.
My wife beat me at tennis.
You look great. This guy
looks 22 years old...
like he did in Michigan,
this guy.
Marty, your wife looks adorable.
Thank you. She is adorable,
but look at this guy.
Both of you look fantastic.
That's it. We're in trouble.
Way too many "you look greats".
Marty, get me a drink.
I wanna be good and hammered
when you start slamming me
for that loan.
Oh, come on. That's not
what this is about.
I want you to have a nice
Sunday brunch with us.
Marty, get the "great-Iookin' guy"
a drink, will ya?
Fine. How about you, Evie?
You need to get hammered?
- A Bloody Mary, sweetie.
- Comin' right up.
I'll get one too.
We'll all get slammed.
- Look overdone to you?
- I'm not eating that.
You know, Diva,
you look really beautiful today.
Thank you, Laura.
So do you.
I love your hair.
I like your hair.
What is that scent?
Do you like it?
Oh, yeah...
I like it.
I'll take those.
You remember Dave Pembroke?
- I remember...
- His wife, Evie,
Billy's wife, Carol...
(exchanging greetings)
No, Billy, we're gonna put
you in the middle.
Billy sits here.
Billy will be in the middle.
- Don't fight over me.
- And I'll put Diva right here.
- It's fine, honey.
- I'll get another chair.
Thank you. Come on,
you sit here.
Just want you to know
who runs this house...
Laura.
It's good to see you, man.
Good to see you, too.
I remember your older brother.
Oh, Jesus.
Are you still kickin' ass?
I remember when you and he
took on the Statler twins...
Sausage?
No.
Let's hope marriage and California
have settled him down.
He's settled down.
He's just a big pushover now.
Somehow, Evie,
I kinda doubt that...
(Billy:)
Marty tells me you're doing good.
(Marty:)
Good? He's got 18 furniture stores...
Excuse me...
I'm gonna help Lucia in the kitchen.
Okay, help Lucia in the kitchen.
Billy... you need a place setting.
Lucia will get it.
Lucia...!
That's okay...
- Laura, sit down, please...
- It's fine...
I know exactly where it is.
I'm gonna go help Diva.
I don't want your food to get cold.
It's the Pembrokes...
I'm gonna go help Diva, okay?
Careful with the butter.
Diva, I am so sorry.
I really am sorry.
I don't know what's gotten into me...
I feel like a pig.
What is going on?
Marty told me this thing
about you in college, seeing girls,
ever since he told me,
I can't get it or you out of my mind.
You know I'm getting married
in two months, right?
- Yes, I do.
- You do?
I do. Like I said before,
I'm sorry.
- I'm just so attracted to you.
- Laura...!
You ever see
the Statler Twins, Dave?
Do I see them? No.
They still live back in Michigan.
You ever see any
of the guys you beat up?
Just curious.
First of all, I didn't beat
that many guys up.
Second of all, no...
I left Michigan after high school,
and I haven't been back.
Must be kinda weird
to run into somebody
Remember me?
You broke my clavicle?
You look good.
I'm sorry, Diva.
I'm really sorry.
You should be.
I'm really not into women.
Me neither.
Oh, my God... Oh, my God.
Oh, my God... okay.
Laura, I'm gonna go.
I think that's the best thing
in this situation.
I'm gonna go.
I'm straight... I am.
I'm straight... I am.
What we're talking about,
we have ten lots we can obtain.
These houses finished
are at a million, million two...
We have seven, seven and a quarter
in some of the houses.
Okay, I'm gonna say goodbye.
Something wrong, Diva?
No...
I gotta be somewhere,
I'm running really straight...
late... I'm running really late.
I'm gonna go.
Just stay awhile.
Marty...?
Tell Diva not to go.
Diva, don't go
Bye...
No... don't.
Please stay.
Laura, I have to go now.
Let me walk you to the door.
I know where the door is.
I'll walk her to the door.
- I'm sorry.
- Honey, don't be silly.
Really...
You've got guests...
I'll walk her to the door.
You're in the middle
of important business...
I'll walk her to the door.
Can I talk to you?
Diva, don't go anywhere.
Please.
I just wanna talk to you
before you go.
I won't go.
Promise me you won't go.
Let me hold your purse.
- One minute... be right back.
- Don't go, babe.
- What's going on!?
- Nothing.
- I just want her to stay.
- You want Diva to stay?
I want us both
to be with her tonight.
You want us to be with Diva?
Are you crazy?
Do you have any idea...
how important this brunch is to me?
You've got to know.
You've got to admit
that she is foxy.
She's foxy? What are you,
K.D. Lang? Are you out of your mind?
This will be good for us.
I just want you to be happy...
Don't touch me.
You want me to be happy?
- Yes.
- Good. Listen...
Let her go home,
and you snap out of it.
Honey, I know you think
she 's fine.
You're being a nutcase.
Snap out of it.
Billy, can you get Laura a bagel?
I'm gonna walk Diva to the door.
I'm gonna walk Diva... I...
- Go sit down.
- You let me in!
Sit the fuck down!
(snarling)
Go...!
- What's going on?
- Nothing...
Marty... did you ask your wife
to hit on me?
- No...!
- Is that what's going on?
Why would I do that?
What am I, a deviate?
Why would I ask my wife
to hit on a woman...?
Because she just did.
She hit on me big time.
Okay, so why do I get blamed?
I had nothing to do with it.
She did it on her own.
- She did it on her own?
- Yes. She's going through something.
She's going throught something?
She's having a breakdown or something.
- A breakdown?
- It's not a big deal.
I'm just gonna say goodbye.
- I think I'm gonna talk to her...
- No...
Diva, no. Just gonna say goodbye.
Thank you... Agggh!
Didi!?
I don't need to talk to you.
I need to see Laura.
No, wait, Didi...!
Gotta make sure we own
or have the rights to the lots...
Wait...!
Hi, Laura.
I need to show you something.
I'm sorry to barge in...
Hi...
- Hi, I'm Didi.
- This is Didi.
Dave and Evie Pembroke.
Billy and Carol you know.
This is our friend, Didi...
who forgot her purse
and has now located it.
I'm gonna walk her to the door.
This is a brochure on an arts fair
and sympo-see-um in Monterrey.
A symposium?
Dave, I'll be with you
in a minute...
Say goodbye, okay?
Let go of my...
you're being an asshole.
I'm not being an asshole...
Let go of me, pen dick.
Join us, Didi.
Honey, join us...?
I don't understand
why you're so upset.
You're the one that wanted me
to sleep with her.
Why am I so upset?
Because I think you single-handedly
blew the Pembroke deal, Laura.
That's why I'm so upset.
I don't know what's gotten into you.
Honestly, I don't know.
What do you mean,
what has gotten into me?
Are you gay?
Are you gay now?
No, I am not gay...
Are you bi?
No... I don't know...
I thought I knew, but now I don't.
I was watching some
of your moves the other night...
It was like watching
an old pro work.
I thought I was at a Pavarotti
concert for a minute.
Have you been with Didi before?
Tell the truth.
No, I haven't.
I haven't been with Didi before.
Before two weeks ago,
I had never slept with a woman.
That's the truth.
You wouldn't know that
by watchin' you work.
I know that...
I know that, because...
It's... you know what it is?
That "home court advantage" thing...
I knew... you were gonna say that.
Know how I knew?
Ask me...
you know how I knew?
How do you know, Marty?
Because I made the "home court
advantage" thing up.
It's bullshit, and I made it up.
- But it's true. It is true...
- No, it's bullshit...
Don't bullshit a bullshit artist.
I'm telling you, it's true.
It was like I knew exactly
what to do to please Didi,
And it was so... my God,
it was so powerful,
and it was nice, then - God -
she did these things to me,
and I thought I was
just gonna melt and gyrate...
I was there. I don't need to hear
the minutes read back, okay?
I was in the room. That was me...
The guy with his thumb up his ass.
That was me.
- Marty?
- Yeah?
I need to leave early today.
Donald and I are going to Big Bear
to check out this banquet hall.
There's a giant moose head
he's convinced should be
the centerpiece for our reception,
I have to be there to tell him
how wrong he is.
- All right, take the day off.
Listen, Diva...
- About yesterday...
- No, Marty, don't worry about it.
It's cool.
Laura?
Laura?
(squeaking and giggling)
What...?
Diva?
I can't believe this.
- Marty, don't be upset.
- Don't be upset? What should I be?
My wife and assistant
are in bed together, what should I be?
It's not like that.
- Oh, it's not like that?
- No...
What's it like? It is like that.
You're screwing around on me.
She's not screwing around
on you, I promise.
Diva, you lied, okay?
You lied.
You said you were going
to look at a moose head,
which I gotta say, is the exact
opposite of what you're looking at.
Marty, the showing got cancelled.
I didn't lie to you.
We decided not to go.
Okay, good! Go back to work.
Don't come here and burrow your head
between my wife's legs.
Marty? Why are you doing this?
This... was for you.
We are warming up for you.
"Warming up"? Waiting for me?
Yes, this was supposed
to be a surprise,
'cause I was planning
a little three-way... for you.
A surprise for me?
Yes - so, come on in, babe.
Laura, do you really think
I'm gonna fall for that?
(groaning and thumping)
Okay... that was a good
surprise three-way, we can stop.
Okay, Laura, everyone's good
and warmed up.
Okay, Laura...
How stupid do I look?
"Warming up" for me...?
Warming up for me?
How stupid do I look, huh?!
(Billy:)
What's up? You seem a little low.
(Marty:)
Low? Yeah, I guess.
- What's up?
- Nothin'.
Come on, what's goin' on?
Laura and I...
are going through something.
What, is she sleeping
with a woman?
You guessed that?
Who told you that?
- You guessed that?
- What, did I guess right?
Wait a minute. Your wife,
is sleeping with another woman?
If you wanna get technical,
she's sleeping with two women.
Your wife is sleeping
with a couple of women?!
Wow.
I begged and I pushed...
and it happened.
Good for you.
Actually, it gets worse.
You mean, it gets better.
No... it gets worse.
She's doing Diva.
Diva?
Your wife is sleeping
with your assistant, Diva?
Diva - Diva?
Yes... yes.
It's not funny, Murphy.
It's not funny.
Did she happen to mention
if she was any good?
It's not funny, Murphy!
All right, I'm sorry.
But, you know...
it's a video I would
definitely go and rent.
So, Jane, how was your week?
Eventful, I hope?
Not as eventful as Laura's.
You told her? I can't believe it.
That's a breach.
Honey, she's my best friend.
I tell her everything.
Apparently, you do.
Are you gonna tell me
you didn't tell Billy and Murphy?
No, I didn't. Of course not.
I wouldn't do that.
- Did she tell you everything?
- Oh, yeah.
She tell you
she seduced my assistant?
- I love it.
- You love it?
Good, Jane,
egg her on, that's good.
After dinner, we'll go to the Forum,
they're playing
women's basketball tonight,
she can just do the whole team.
How's that?
Just throw her in the locker room.
Hey! Open up.
Remember me?
The guy barely paying the mortgage?
Come on.
(Laura:)
Okay, I'm coming. Hold on.
Why's the door locked?
What are you doing?
- Nothing.
- You're alone...?
You're in here alone?
Yeah, I'm alone.
Hi, Marty.
Marty, don't be mad.
Diva! Jane...!
Hello, pen dick.
Guess who brought the play toys?
Laura...!
Hey, Marty...
don't be mad.
It's just a little nightmare.
You had a dream...
that they had an orgy,
and locked you out.
Not a dream, a nightmare.
Three incredible women,
lying around,
lapping up
the little man in the canoe,
where is the nightmare in that?
The nightmare is,
they want nothing to do with me.
I was locked outside the door.
That speaks of sexual
inadequacy to me.
Exactly.
What are you talking about?
It was your dream,
all I'm sayin' is...
if that were me,
in that situation,
and I found myself
locked outside the bedroom door,
with my schmekel in my mitt,
I'd be thinking about sex therapy.
That's all I'm sayin'.
Are you mad, Marty?
Don't be mad.
Mad? I'm not mad,
I'm worried.
I'm justifiably worried.
Honey, you shouldn't be.
I'm just experimenting as a woman.
- Really, it's nice.
- Oh, that's nice...
it's "nice".
Obviously, I've been hiding
things from you... from myself...
It's gonna be okay. Either way,
it's not a big deal, all right?
Tomorrow I'm going to Vegas,
and the drive...
and the time away,
will be good for me. Okay?
You're going to Vegas
with my sister.
Listen, I'm beggin' you.
This is my baby sister.
- This is my baby sister.
- Marty, stop it.
- We go to Vegas every year...
- This isn't every year!
I am not going to disappoint her.
Nothing is going to happen.
Would you just relax?
All set, Laura.
I'm rarin' and ready to go.
I am your prisoner
for the next 24 hours.
Just... do with me what you will.
Oh, God...
Listen to me,
we need to postpone this,
just till we get you professional help.
I don't need professional help, Marty.
Okay, I got a good compromise.
Separate rooms, okay?
On the far side of the hotel.
You can be in the east wing,
she can be in the west wing.
You're on thin ice here, Laura,
thin ice...
- Laura, sweetie...
- Bye.
No, don't go! No, wait...
Bye, Marty!
Laura, don't you dare have sex
with my baby sister!
(knocking)
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Murphy.
- Made myself a little sandwich.
- No problem.
Where's Laura?
She's in Vegas with my sister.
Is she diddling your sister?
She is?
I didn't say that.
Your wife is diddling your sister...!
Your wife is diddling your sister?
Your wife - is diddling your sister?!
That's great!
Your wife is diddling your sister?
Hey, who can blame her?
Your sister's a hottie.
Can I use your phone?
I wanna call my wife,
I'd like to set the two of them up
for a little lunch.
(car approaching)
Ellen, baby... hi.
Have fun?
Look at this, you're dressed alike...?
You're all happy, look at you,
you're happy.
You won? Is that what happened,
you won?
No? You lost, and you're all smiley
'cause you lost?
Actually, we didn't gamble.
No, no gambling.
I'll see you soon.
I had a wonderful time.
So did I. Bye.
Wonderful? What do you mean,
"wonderful"?
You saw shows? You
went shopping... right?
- No shows.
- No shows...?
Laura... tell me you didn't
have sex with my sister.
I didn't have sex with your sister.
I mean, not like you're thinking.
Not really.
Not really? What does that mean,
"not really"?
How do you "not really"
have sex with someone's sister?
We talked, we held each other,
and it was really nice.
You know what? It's been so long
since anybody's touched her.
Don't tell me that.
I don't wanna know that.
Do you want breakfast?
I'm gonna have a giant breakfast.
This is becoming
a nightmare with you.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
You're taking this the wrong way.
I am feeling so great.
Oh, good.
This is going
to be good for us.
"Good for us"...? How is this
going to be good for us?!
You had sex with my sister!
Hey...
big family reunion coming,
why don't you make a wish list?
Well, that's it.
I've blown it.
Turned her into a sex monster.
She's gonna leave me, too, Billy.
I can feel it.
You haven't blown it.
She's not going anywhere.
So she likes girls, big deal.
So do you.
Now you got something in common.
This is what you wanted.
Relax. Enjoy it.
Easy for you to say, BIIly.
It's not your wife.
If it was my wife,
I'd be diggin' it.
But that ain't never gonna happen.
Carol's too damned hungry
to bother having sex.
Hey, just spoke with Pembroke.
Got some pretty good news for ya...
- Guy sounds very interested...
- Yeah?
What was that for?
That's for you
and your wife's big mouth.
I'm sorry, honey.
I did tell Carol
about what you told me
about Billy's girlfriend.
I'm sorry.
I was in a weakened state,
and we were talking,
she was vulnerable...
she was hungry and she needed
someone to share a pizza with.
And not be judged for it.
She really needed me.
Carol really needed me.
She did.
Hey, Marty, how's that hot
little wife of yours?
Wouldn't mind gettin' me
some of that action.
I'd bang your wife so hard, Marty,
you'd think a brass band
was coming down the street.
Who's my bitch? I'd have her
screaming,"Who's my bitch?"
I would go so far down
on your wife,
you'd need a passport
to get her out of Central America.
I was with your wife so long,
I gotta put my tongue in a sling.
I'd chew her box
like a fuckin' hamster.
Nng-nng-nyagh!
Hey, babe.
Dr. Berman called.
He wants you to come right away.
Well, Marty, we found a polyp.
We need to take it out.
- Take it out?
- Does that mean surgery?
We do it here, now, run a test
and make sure it's benign.
Do it right here?
It's a very simple procedure, really.
Little prep work, one machine,
works with lasers.
Nice machines. Made by Sony.
Sony?
So... did I tell ya
I bought that Porsche Boxter?
Sweetie, wake up.
Wake up, honey.
- You need to eat.
- I'm not hungry, Laura.
You haven't eaten all day.
Have a little soup.
I don't want any soup.
Honey... here, let me help you up.
What? Why is it so important
that I eat soup?
- What do you mean?
- What'd you put in my soup?
- You put something in my soup?
- Marty...
Is that it? Slip a little doozy
in Marty's soup...
Send him off to all-boy heaven?
Move one of your little Bettys in,
is that what's going on?
- You're delirious.
- I'm not delirious,
not with everything that's going on.
It's not far-fetched.
Perfect time. Blame it on the polyp.
How do I know you didn't
put something in this soup?
You're being ridiculous, honey.
Would you like me
to try the soup?
Yeah... you have the soup.
I'm sorry... I'm just wacked.
I'm sorry.
Hey, I'm sorry.
It's good soup.
(ringing)
Hello?
Yeah, just a moment.
Honey...
it's Dr. Berman.
- Hello?
- Marty? Jerry Berman.
These calls go one of two ways.
This one's going your way,
Marty. You're fine.
You should have a good life.
Give Laura my love...
and Marty, I gotta tell ya,
I've known you a long time,
you're the biggest baby
I've ever operated on. Ever.
I mean it. You're a wuss, Marty.
Okay, bye-bye.
Bye.
It's okay.
Marty?
I love you.
The scare was really good for me.
It made me realize
how much I love you.
Lately, I've been thinking I was hiding
this dark desire from you...
but, I haven't been.
Not at all.
It's not what I want.
I want what we have.
It's more important to me
than having sex with women.
I only wanna be with you.
Really, that's what I figured out...
I just wanna have sex with you.
Thanks, Laura. I gotta tell you,
I feel the same way.
A lot of sex, Marty.
A lot of sex...?
Okay... good.
I wanna triple the amount
of sex that we have.
You wanna triple the amount
of sex we have?
It's a lot of sex.
Ow - ow, ow...!
Don't stop, don't stop.
Was that okay?
You could do better.
I'm ready again, Marty.
Wake up.
Aggh - gentle, babe...!
Gentle...!
Come on... up-up-up!
It's playtime!
(car horn tootling)
Oh, shit, it's the Pembrokes.
- Hey, Dave.
- Hey, Marty, how ya doin'?
- Doin' good.
- Sorry to just drop by...
but we were in the neighborhood.
I thought you might
show us that house.
Definitely. Let me tell Laura
that I'm gonna go.
Bring her. I have a feeling
I'll need some company.
- Marty, you okay?
- I'm fine.
Every bedroom has it's own balcony.
First class windows,
everything high end...
Everything.
We get the best of everything.
Marty, this is a hell of a house.
This kid is a real talent.
Yes, he is, he's very talented.
He's lucky he's got
a strong partner, this was not easy...
I am very impressed
with this kid's work.
I'm glad.
We put a lot of work into it.
So, do you really dislike L.A.?
No. Dave does.
When you stay married long enough...
you have to think hard
which opinions are your own.
Yeah, I find myself doing that.
Grafting onto Marty's
likes and dislikes.
I hate to admit, being with Dave
has really changed me.
I used to be a Democrat.
He turned me into a Republican.
They can do that.
Before Dave, I was actually
a bit of a liberal.
What's this room in here?
This room is gonna be...
this is the...
I don't know. He's gonna be here,
we'll ask him.
Evie wants to have lunch.
Lunch with you and Evie?
You think that's a good idea?
What are you talking about?
Her husband is my only
serious silent investor...
and you have the sexual self-control
of a 52-year-old senator.
- You tell me.
- Thank you very much, honey.
Oh, damn, I got a parking ticket.
Goddamn parking ticket.
Honey, calm down.
It's just a parking ticket.
It's not a parking ticket.
It's God fucking with me.
First, he sends parking tickets,
then drought and famine.
No, he's not in either.
I asked Romberg, he gave me
the "money is tight" speech.
I'll figure it out.
All right...
Bye.
I've been thinking about it.
You think she really likes you?
Evie Pembroke?
Yeah, I think she likes me.
I know this is gonna piss you off...
this is gonna sound bad,
but I think you should pursue it.
Marty...?
Are you asking me
to have sex with Evie?
No, I'm not ask... no.
I'm asking you to do
your little pizza gag,
do your little rap on her,
you know, get cozy...
Excuse me, I don't have a "rap",
and I resent this.
I'm just asking you to get
a litle friendly with the woman,
get to know her, talk her into
talking her husband...
into investing in my project, okay?
It's a favor I'm asking,
to keep this house, our lifestyle,
I need you to go in
for one last strategic hit.
What?
Wasn't such a big goddamn deal
when you were chasing my sister
around the Wayne Newton Suite.
Laura...!
These are so great,
you really are talented.
Thank you.
Marty made all my shelves.
I love this little guy.
That's my dad.
That's my father.
Really?
I didn't know you knew my father.
Laura, I really,
really love your work.
It's so... warm.
Thank you.
I didn't know you did women.
I... don't, really...
I tried a few.
Looks like you have
a feel for them.
Do you like it?
I think I figured out...
that I preferred doing men.
That's a shame.
Look at you...
You're blushing.
- Am I?
- You're bright red...
I really don't think
we should be doing this.
Yes, we should...
I really don't...
Yes. We should.
I thought you were against this?
Me? No... Dave is.
- Dave is?
- Let go.
I'm the opposite of Dave.
Dave is square.
I am the opposite of square.
You're the opposite of square?
The first night I met you,
I picked up on your energy.
I've got an eye
and an ear for it.
I can pick 'em out in a crowd.
Straight little wife
with a straight little life.
You're so pent up, aren't you?
It's okay. You're about ready
to let the dam burst.
I think I kinda like the dam.
I'm not sure
I wanna see it burst.
I've gotta go.
We'll continue this conversation
another time.
Hey, how you doin', man?
Listen...
I'm kidding. I was joking.
Hey... she looks great.
Hi, Carol.
(Billy:)
I don't know what your wife did to her,
but she's a whole different animal.
She's on a diet, she's into sex,
So things worked out, right?
Friends again?
No.
I know why you told her.
You think you're better than me.
Because you think you don't cheat
behind your wife's back...
because you cheat
in front of her face,
you've found this high moral ground
where you can judge me from.
- That's not true, Billy.
- It is true.
It isn't...
It is, and you know it.
And you're wrong.
You can be in the same bed
with your wife and be cheating on her.
- You're in big trouble with God.
- Don't say that.
I'm gonna finish the house,
we'll sell it...
You'll get your money back,
then, you know what?
We're done. I mean it.
We're done.
Fine. I got it.
I don't like you.
I don't trust you.
I got it.
I just realized that you're not
my kinda guy.
Hey - I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
Evie...! Hi.
I was just going shopping.
You wanna join me?
Shopping? No, no...
I've already done my shopping.
I'm here to close a sale.
Close a sale?
- I'm going inside.
- You're going inside?
Inside, upstairs, I'm gonna wait
for you in the bedroom.
Wait for me?
I don't have a lotta time.
It's my Cub Scout pickup day.
Come on, come on...
quickly.
Wait for me upstairs...?
Door's locked.
Billy? It's for you.
- This is Billy.
- This is Pembroke...
Where's your partner?
I got a check for him.
I'm in with you guys,
I just wanna go over a few things.
I don't know.
I think he went home.
I'll head over there.
I'll talk to you soon.
All right.
Hey...
you wanna have
some real fun?
More fun than this?
Those are Marty's favorite ties...
Aw, poor Marty.
To hell with Marty!
I want you to tie me up.
Now, push me down!
Push me hard.
There you go...
tied up and gagged. What's next?
(garbled)
The pillow...?
Evie, you're starting
to scare me now.
Laura?
Laura?
- Oh, shit!
- Marty...!
Are you kiddin' me?!
Marty...
don't be mad.
Don't be mad.
You were the one, you told me...
I was, what? "The one", what?
I told you to tie her up?!
You've got Dave Pembroke's wife
tied up in our bedroom!
Have you lost touch with reality?!
Marty... you started all of this.
You.
- Me...?
- Yes.
I said, "get chummy with her."
I didn't ask to take her hostage.
Oh, my God!
You made me open certain doors
that I shouldn't have opened.
What are you talking about?
You know exactly
what I'm talking about.
- This is what you wanted.
- What I wanted?
I wanted you to tie up
Evie Pembroke in our bedroom?
You wanted me to be...
you know!
What?
I wanted you to try a few things.
I wanted you to fool around a little.
Is that so bad?
I didn't want you to become
a walking orgasm!
Jesus, you've taken
the whole thing way too far!
No, I haven't.
Don't you say that.
- Yes, you have.
- Don't you say that!
Listen to me. You've taken
the whole thing way too far.
You're tying women up,
and you're gagging them, now.
That's too far. What's next...
I'm gonna come home and you'll be
performing surgery on some girl!
It is not like that.
This is your fault.
I was happy...
I was happy
just being your wife!
Oh, Laura,
will you just calm dowm?
If you had all this in you,
it was gonna come out sooner or later.
Maybe, maybe not.
Maybe I didn't want the dam to burst.
Ever think about that?
What "dam"?
What are you talking about?
You burst the dam, Marty.
What fuckin' "dam"?
- This is all your doing.
- My doing?
You tied that woman up in there.
Not me... you.
- She's tied up with my Hugo Boss ties?
- She picked the ties.
Oh... she has taste.
That's good to know.
(doorbell rings)
- Who's this?
- I don't know.
Well, go find out.
(gasping)
- Marty!
- What?
It's Dave!
He's here? Dave?!
- Why's he here?
- I don't know.
He is here.
What do we do?
Act natural.
No... that's semi-natural.
Yes... whatever...
do it over there.
Hey, Dave,
how ya doin', Dave...?
Hey... hey, Dave...
Hey, Dave...!
Hey, Dave! How, ya doin'?
Come out to the yard...
- Where's my wife?
- Your wife? I don't know...
You wanna go down to the corner,
get a drink, talk about the project?
- No... her car's here.
- Her car's here...?
- Hi, Laura.
- Hey, Dave, how ya doin'?
Where's Evie?
She's not here...
No, she's not here... no.
Her car's here. Any idea why
her car would be here?
Her car is here?
Wow...
I'm not a car person,
so I wouldn't know.
She's never been a car person.
You're not a "car person"?
Dave, let's go in the yard,
and have a drink...
I don't wanna drink, Marty,
I need to find my wife.
(doorbell rings)
- Maybe that's her.
- No, it's not her.
Honey, you don't know
that it's not her.
- I don't?
- He doesn't?
I don't... I couldn't know.
There's no way I'd know it's not her.
But I'll check and I'll see.
I'll get the door.
Go in the yard, okay, buddy?
Yeah, come in... the yard.
Didi... bad time.
Laura's not here.
Marty wait,
I have to talk to Laura.
I want to take her
to the sculpture sympo-see-um.
I really think
it would be good for her.
Laura's not here,
and I'm in the middle of something.
You have to go.
Her car is here, I know she's here.
What is your problem?
Didi, don't take this wrong...
but Laura does not want
to be part of your little club.
My "little club"?
Yes. She had a trial membership,
and we're not gonna renew.
"A trial membership"?
...And I have to go.
It's not about you, no offense,
but we're not gonna
renew the membership.
What's the deal with Marty?
We just bought
a new espresso machine,
and he just had...
whoa... way too much.
I'm gonna say goodbye.
All you guys think you know
so much about lesbians...
you think you're so into lesbians,
but you're not.
You are into what you wish
lesbians were...
cock-hungry nyphos,
keeping themselves busy
until a real man hits town.
That's not the reality.
Quickly, what's the reality?
I gotta go.
The reality is, that you pushed,
and you pushed,
and now your wife eats pussy
better than you do.
Have a nice day.
Honey...?
That have anything
to do with Evie?
- Wasn't Evie?
- No...
Someone about a "sympo-see-um".
- A "sympo-see-um"?
- Yeah, a "sympo-see-um".
A "sympo-see-um"?
Yeah...!
Yeah, Dave...
What the hell
is going on here, Marty?
Let's go get a drink...
I'm going stir crazy.
I gotta get out of the house...
(mumbling)
What's that?
- Our dog...
- Sounds like Evie.
It's our new dog.
A barking terrier.
Is that Evie?
Evie...?
Evie...!
(distressed cry)
Evie!
Holy mother of God!
Evie...!
Dave, I had nothing
to do with this.
I came in, saw the same thing,
and went, "Aggh!"
Son of a bitch!
You pervert!
(Evie squealing)
You're fucking dead!
No, no, Dave...!
You are a dead man, Marty!
Was it worth it, Marty?
'Cause you are gonna die!
Just stop it!
Are you all okay, Marty?
No, I'm not okay!
Do I look okay to you?
You are a dead man, Marty.
Don't hurt him.
No, no, it was me...
I tied Evie up!
- You tied my wife up?
- Yes...!
She didn't wanna do it!
It was me!
I didn't want to,
she seduced me.
I swear, I swear.
Laura didn't wanna tie her up.
Evie seduced her.
It's true, Dave.
It's true.
I wasn't gonna sleep
with any more women.
At least, not for a while, anyway.
Okay, good. Conversation
for another time...?
Dave... listen...
I'm a stand-up guy.
I would not tie your wife up.
I wouldn't.
I've known you a long time...
I wouldn't do anything
to jeopardize our relationship.
What the hell is your deal, man?
Married to some weird L.A. Sex freak?
Is that your thing?
Dave... don't call Laura names.
What should I call her?
That's what she is...
she's got my wife tied
and gagged up there.
What should I call her?
You're married to a deviate
L.A. Sex twat.
Dave, screw you.
Don't call Laura names. I mean it.
Screw you, Marty!
You're way overreacting,
I'm the one that should be pissed off.
You're overreacting, "Sunscreen".
I mean it. Take your Orange County
weatherbeaten ass...
go get your drip-dry, grisly,
whacked-out excuse for a wife,
and get the hell out of here.
I'm serious.
I mean it. You're a Republican.
This is a No Republican Zone.
You're messin' up
my property values.
Yeah.
Take off, Dave.
Aw, the hell with it.
To hell with you...
and to hell with her.
The hell with you!
Okay, Laura, he gets the message.
Don't be surprised when you get
a bill for cleaning and pressing
four Hugo Boss ties,
okay, Pembroke?
Oh, good, kick my gate, Millionaire.
That'll help.
Shit... that didn't go well.
It was nice
what you did, though. Thanks.
You're welcome.
I gotta pay the mortgage, though.
I think we're this close to violating
a federal law of some kind.
Go upstairs, and untie Evie.
No way...
I'm not gonna untie her.
You got a woman tied
and gagged upstairs. Go and untie her.
No, I'm not gonna untie her.
Hey... you tied her up...
Marty Barnes...
you go untie her yourself.
No, you tied her up,
you go untie her.
Go untie her, Marty.
Now!
Fine. I'll untie her.
It's not that big a deal to me.
I'm going.
Hi... Evie, hi.
Before I untie you,
while I have your attention...
I just wanted
to take a minute and say...
I know this is gonna be
really rough on you and Dave.
It's probably gonna end up
in divorce for the two of you.
That's really sad...
Okay, what I'm thinking is...
you're gonna have
half of Dave's money, right?
I gotta really good investment for you.
A project I'm working on...
- Hey, beautiful.
- Hey, honey.
Like my hair?
You kiddin'?
I'm crazy about it.
- Hungry?
- Yeah, I'm starved.
Can we go someplace nice?
Whatever you want.
Hi, I'm Henry.
I'm Marty.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
You like her new hair?
Her hair?
Yeah, I like her hair.
Thanks.
- Nice meeting you, Henry.
- Bye.
You like this restaurant,
don't you?
- Always did.
- I know you did.
Know what? We're gonna start
coming here again.
That'd be nice. Thanks.
What did you think of Henry?
The guy at your salon?
Seemed like a nice guy.
You think he's openly bisexual?
What do you mean,
"openly bisexual"?
Well, If I went
in there this afternoon...
and went, "Hey...
is anybody in here bisexual?"
What do you think ol' Henry would do?
What's your point, Laura?
I think it would be
good for you.
Good for me?
You're messin' with me, right?
Yeah.
I might be.