Sexy Beast (2000) Movie Script
Oh, yeah.
Bloody hell.
I'm sweatin' here.
Roastin'.
Boilin'.
Bakin'.
Swelterin'.
It's like a sauna.
A furnace.
You could fry an egg on my stomach.
Ohh...
Ooh, now that is hot.
It's ridiculous.
Tremendous.
Fantastic.
Fan-dabby-dozy...
...tastic.
Oi. Give it some.
This brush is sick.
It's a good brush,
what's the matter with you?
Don't blame the brush, it's the man.
It's you, it's your technique.
Put your back into it.
Mush!
Yes, sir!
## Walking on the beaches #
# looking at the peaches #
# Well, I got the notion, girl, #
# that you got some suntan lotion #
# In that bottle of yours #
# Spread it all over #
# my peeling skin, baby #
# That feels real good #
# All the skirts #
# lapping up the sun #
# Lap me up! #
# Why don't you come on #
# and lap me up #
# Walking on the beaches #
# looking at the peaches #
# Well, there goes another one #
# just lying down on the sand dunes #
# I better go take a swim #
# And see if I can #
# cool down a little bit #
# Cos you and me, woman #
# We got a lot of #
# things on our minds... #
Oi, I don't pay you to flap about,
# go and get us a coupla beers.
# Walking on the beaches #
# looking at the peaches #
# Well, you just #
# take a look over there #
# Where? #
# Is she trying #
# to get out of that clitoris? #
# Liberation for women, #
# that's what I preach #
# Preacher man! #
# Walking on the beaches #
# looking at the peaches #
# Oh, shit! #
# There goes the charabanc #
# Looks like I'm gonna be #
# stuck here the whole summer #
# Well, what a bummer! #
# I can think of #
# a lot worse places to be #
# Like down in the street #
# or down in the sewer #
# Or even #
# on the end of a skewer... #
Oh, lovely...
# Down on the beaches #
# just look at all the peaches #
# Down on the beaches... #
# Down on the beaches #
# just look at all the peaches #
# Down on the beaches #
# just look at all the peaches #
# Mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm! #
# Mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm! #
# Mmm! #
# Mm-mm mm-mm mm! ##
- What's that?
- It's a boulder.
- What?
- A fuckin' boulder.
I've got the fuckin' bends.
How did that happen?
I don't fuckin' know.
Where's the mobile?
I almost got killed, Dee!
I was that close
to gettin' killed. Serious!
You nearly had a squashed husband.
Here, give your mate a call.
- What?
- Your mate, the one with the truck.
- Felipe?
- Yeah, if that's his name.
Don't worry about this, darlin'.
It's nothing.
Come here.
It has done
a fair bit of damage, Gal.
- Cracked the tiles.
- I had noticed!
- When's that gettin' fixed?
- Saturday, apparently.
Wouldn't bet on it.
They're takin'
the boulder out Tuesday
and retilin' on Saturday, I hope.
Oh!
Fuckin' hell!
- Fuckin' thing!
He should be in the circus.
He's a menace.
You all right?
Yeah, I'm all right.
Oi, Gal.
You gonna stay with
the same colour water?
- What d'you mean?
- Water.
You stickin' with the plain?
You can have different colours.
- Fuck off!
- Straight up!
Aquamarine, deep blue,
mid-blue, tangerine, lilac, pink,
plum, anything you want.
- They've got a chart.
- Is that right?
- Check it out.
- Gal, he's at it.
I'm not! What do you know?
- Just have the fuckin' plain.
I fully intend to!
Now, eat your sausage!
People say,
"Don't you miss it, Gal?"
I say, "What? England?"
"Nah, fuckin' place. It's a dump."
"Don't make me laugh."
"Grey, grimy, sooty."
"What a shithole. What a toilet."
"Every cunt with a long face,
shufflin' about, moanin' or worried."
"No thanks, not for me."
They say,
"What's it like, then? Spain."
And I'll say, "It's hot."
"Hot."
"Oh, it's fuckin' hot."
"Too hot?"
"Not for me."
"I love it."
He ain't gonna hit
fuck all with that blunderbuss.
- Better off with a spear.
- Shut up, Aitch.
Shh!
I'll give you 100 to 1.
Hold up.
Little peach.
It's only a tiddler.
That's his problem.
Prepare to meet your maker.
Cowboy gun? Fucking right,
it was a cowboy gun.
Clunk!
What?
I'm gonna have the calamari.
What you havin'?
I'm not sure yet.
You like mussels, have the mussels.
No, I'll have this chicken thing.
What chicken thing?
I didn't see that.
Oh, yeah.
No, I'm gonna have the calamari.
I'll have the calamari.
Shall we just order? I'm starvin'.
I'm Lee Marvin.
Here they are.
- Hello, babe.
Whatever it is, leave it outside.
That way,
we can have a nice evening.
Jackie... you look beautiful.
Can you get me a brandy, Aitch?
Now, that's what
I like to hear, brandy.
Bloody brandy.
I'll have one of them.
- You all right, Jackie?
- Aitch...
Tell him, then.
- Tell me what?
- Jackie?
Are you definitely retired?
Yeah, why?
- Definitely?
- I'm definitely retired.
What's this about?
Gal, we had a phone call,
just before we left the house.
- Yeah?
- It was from London.
He's definitely retired.
Wait a minute, love.
Now, let me get this straight.
You had a call. The phone goes.
It's a job, right?
- Yeah.
- And they want me?
Yeah.
- No one else?
- No.
- They want me?
- Yeah.
All right. You've asked me
and I've said no. That's it.
So... why are we still talking?
Jack?
It was Don Logan.
- Oh, Christ.
- Don Logan.
Gal, I'm sorry, I didn't know...
- It's all right.
- Why didn't he just call us?
Who knows what goes on
in that cunt's head?
- It's not your fault.
- Shouldn't have picked it up.
All right, right, um...
You tell Don...
Umm... Tell him... thanks.
Thanks for thinkin' of me,
but I've gotta decline.
- No offence, but...
- You can't.
Well, then, tell him...
Tell him...
- I'd be no good.
- They're serious.
Tell him what the fuck
you like, anything!
- You can tell him yourself.
- What?
- Yeah.
- He's comin' over.
Tomorrow.
Wants us to pick him up.
OK.
Seor.
He rates you, Gal.
Reckons there's no risk.
Oh, that's nice, that. Nice and cold.
I love this restaurant.
Deedee, my lovely wife...
Come Saturday I'll have
me pool back, swim in it.
Always dreamed of that... this.
Guess where?
That's it. You got it right in one.
Inside, that's where.
"No risk."
No fucking risk?
Nine years of my fucking life,
no fucking risk?
What you havin'?
I'm havin' the calamari.
Look, what's the worst thing
that could happen?
He's gonna come here, ask me,
I'm gonna say no.
He's not gonna be happy,
then he'll leave.
- That simple?
- Yeah.
Now, please, come to bed,
I miss you.
We don't have to be here.
Now, that would be
the wrong thing to do.
You know that.
That'd be like a red rag to a bull.
All I can do
is tell him to his face
that I'm not interested,
that's all I can do.
And I'm not.
And I will tell him.
Come here, give us a hug.
He'll hurt you.
No...
He won't.
He won't hurt me. He can't.
You know he can.
Come on. Let's get some kip.
Oi!
Here y'are, sort him out.
He'll have the balance
on Saturday.
Listen, stay away
from here for a bit.
I'm all right for the moment.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gotta change my shirt,
it's sticking to me.
I'm sweatin' like a cunt.
How's your brother?
Malky? He's all right, I suppose.
Dunno, you'd have to ask him.
- You patched things up?
- It's up to him, innit?
- How was the flight, Don?
- Was all right.
So this is a Spanish villa, is it?
Yeah, this is it. The old hacienda.
Bit remote, innit? Cut off.
No, it's perfect, Don.
It's just how we like it.
D'you wanna look round?
Yeah, I will in a minute,
when I have a piss.
Right, girls, you fit?
Where you goin'?
Taking the ladies out to eat.
Leave you two to it.
- Ain't I invited?
- No, Don.
No, no - course you are!
Only I thought you'd want
some time. Talk about things.
No, I'm jokin'. It's all right.
Here y'are, I'll get it.
That's all right, Don.
No need for that.
Aitch! Behave.
I'm payin' for your meal.
Oh, that's, er, very kind of you.
- Very nice of you.
- Shut up.
Yeah, this is all right, innit?
Not bad.
What's that?
- A swimming pool.
- It's a bath, innit?
- We had an accident.
- Accident?
Yeah, this boulder
came rollin' down the hill,
just missed me.
Smashed some tiles. Look.
- You happy here?
- Yeah. Very.
What did Jackie say?
- Just that something was happening.
- Which it is. And?
- You were planning something.
- And you said?
I didn't say much, just listened.
She put a question to you.
- Yeah.
- Which was?
That you thought of me.
To which you said?
She probably told you.
Told me nothing.
- Look, Don...
- Look, Don?
- It's like this.
- Like what?
I'm...
retired.
Are ya?
'Fraid so.
I haven't... not got lots
of money. I got enough.
I'd do anything not to offend you,
but I can't take part.
I'm not really up to it.
- Not up to it?
- No, I'm not.
I see.
- I'd be useless.
- Useless.
- I would be.
- In what way?
In every fuckin' way.
Why are you swearin'?
I'm not swearin'.
I'm gonna tell you a little story.
I know a bloke who knows a bloke
who knows a bloke.
Hello?
Now, you know this bloke.
- Do I?
- This is a bloke you know.
Is that Mr Logan?
- Who's this?
- Hello, Mr Logan.
- Hello.
- What you doin'?
- Watching telly.
- What you watchin'?
Nuffin'. Is that Stan?
Course it is, you cunt.
Stan Higgins.
Wants me to put a team together.
Eight men. Strong.
Ain't afraid of graft.
It's gonna take all night.
Good boys, gotta be good boys.
Reliable. Positive attitude.
That's very important.
Very important.
That's what we're looking for, Don.
Who's behind this, Stan?
Who do you think?
- Who do you think, Gal?
- I dunno. Who?
- Who?
- Teddy.
Teddy?
Teddy Bass.
Mr. Black Magic himself. Teddy Bass.
Months ago,
he gets invited to this party,
massive place on the Bishops Avenue.
Wild party, orgy.
Orgy?
Said it was fucking incredible.
Arses everywhere. Doin' everything.
Wanking, spanking...
Fucking...
Cocaine, camcorders...
Like ancient Rome.
How are you feeling, Teddy?
Are you all right?
Having fun?
Yeah, it's a gas.
What you staring at?
Who's he fuckin' sitting next to?
Who's he fuckin' sitting next to?
Teddy, this is Harry,
chairman of Imperial Emblatt.
Only the fuckin' chairman
of Imperial Emblatt.
Heard of that?
No.
That's cos they're one of those
sniffy lot, don't need publicity.
The back of your head.
What did you say?
I'm staring at the back of your head.
Well, don't. Stare at the back
of your own fucking head.
Like Standard Gradings TMD,
remember them?
Yeah, safety deposits, late '70s.
That's it. Only these are bigger.
Much bigger.
Men or women?
Oh...
definitely.
This chairman's
not such a big prick.
He knows who Teddy Bass is.
What he is, what he's up to.
But does he care?
- Does he, fuck.
- Thank you for that, Harry.
I've been looking
for somewhere safe for that.
It's been in the family
for donkey's years, generations.
Why? Cos the place is impregnable.
The most elaborate
security system in Europe.
Well, thanks, Teddy.
Thank you for choosing us.
It's a modern fortress.
No, it's perfect for me.
I'm well impressed.
I feel very... safe.
Well, rest assured, Teddy,
we're very safe.
Very comforting to know that, Harry.
Nice doing business with you.
See you around.
Tell you what, Stan. That is
fucking impressive, that place.
I'll say that, fucking futuristic.
Yeah?
Doable?
I don't see why not.
See, where there's a will,
and there is a fucking will...
There's a way.
And there is a fuckin' way.
There's always a fucking way.
It's Saturday but you're needed
in London Friday.
It's a bit sudden, innit?
No, it's very far from sudden.
It's been five months,
I've been in on it for two.
It's not sudden. Preparation,
preparation, preparation.
It's a piece of piss, a monkey
could do it, so I thought of you!
Cheers, Don.
You're at the Grosvenor,
your name's Rowntree.
If they give you a pull,
you're just here to see some friends.
Somebody'll call you,
pick you up. Probably Mike.
What's that mean?
- What?
- That stupid nodding you're doing.
Is this a fuck-off, Gal?
No, course not.
- Are you saying no?
- No.
- Is that what you're saying?
- Not exactly.
- What are you saying?
- I'm just saying...
Thanks and all that,
thanks for thinking of me,
but I've got to turn
this opportunity down.
No, you've got to
turn this opportunity yes.
- I'm not match fit.
- You seem all right to me.
- Not really.
- You look fine.
- Do the job.
- What?
- Do the job.
- No, Don.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- I can't.
- Can.
- I can't.
- Don't do this.
- Do what?
- What am I doin'?!
- This.
This? This what?
- Come on, Don.
- There's a boy lookin' at us.
Go home, son. Go on.
I don't need you today.
Go on, go home.
Go home!
Who was that?
A Spanish kid who helps
around the house. Nice kid.
D'you wanna go into town for
a drink? I'll show you round?
If you like. I'm not fussed.
You're on two per cent,
maybe even three.
Depends on the usual bumflufferies.
It's not about money with us, is it?
It's the charge, the bolt, the buzz.
The sheer fuck-offness, right?
## Dance to the music #
# like nobody does #
# The first time I saw you #
# I knew it was love #
# Groover... #
She's all right, Jackie, isn't she?
Yeah, she's great. Great laugh.
Big tits.
Yeah, she's a lovely girl.
# My heart is on fire #
# the night is divine #
# My only desire #
# is making you mine... ##
I've missed my plane,
I'm staying tonight, that all right?
Course.
I fucked her.
It's none of my business.
I know, I'm just tellin' you.
Three years ago.
Oh, yeah?
- Dirty cow.
- Yeah.
Aitch knows fuck-all about it.
What's she doing with him,
lanky hunk of piss, fucking pillock.
He loves her, Don.
I'm tempted to tell him.
She tried to stick her finger
up my bum.
I almost hit the roof.
What d'you make
of a woman who'd do that?
Listen, don't say nothin',
Gal, but I...
- I quite liked her.
- Did ya?
Mmm.
How is she, all right?
- What's that, Don?
- You heard.
No, I didn't, Don. Sorry.
Yeah? Well, I'm not repeating it.
How far's the sea?
Talk to me, Gal.
I'm here for you.
I'm a good listener.
What can I say? I've said it all.
- I'm retired.
- Shut up!
Cunt.
You louse. You got some
fuckin' neck. Retired?
Fuck off, you're revolting.
Your fuckin' suntan,
you're like leather.
Like a leather man.
You could make a fuckin' suitcase.
You look like a
fat crocodile, fat bastard.
You look like fuckin' Idi Amin.
State of you.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Who d'you think you are?
King of the castle? Cock of the walk?
Oof!
You think this is
the Wheel of Fortune?
You make your dough and fuck off?
Thanks, Don. See you, Don
Off to Spain, Don. Fuck off, Don.
Lie in your pool laughing at me,
d'you think I'll have that?
You think I'll have that, ya ponce?
All right, I'll make it easy.
God, you're fucking trying.
Are you gonna do the job?
It's not a
difficult question. Yes or no?
- Don...
- Say it.
No.
Yes. Fuck off, wanker,
you're doin' it.
You know what I've noticed, Gal?
What stands out?
You haven't asked about anybody.
Everyone asks after you
"How's Gal? Heard from him?"
"No, not for a while."
"Is he all right?"
Leaves me wondering,
"Have I upset him?"
"Must have, I'll ask him."
Have I upset you?
- Course not.
- Meaning?
Well, you haven't.
You're British,
not a fucking Spaniard.
Don't kid yourself...
What's that?
It's a goat.
They're a fucking nuisance.
What's it lookin' at me for?
God, the steak was enormous!
Size of it. Couldn't finish it.
And he were nice, weren't he?
The waiter.
Oh, yeah. Very attentive.
He liked you, Deedee, didn't he, Dee?
- Liked you.
- He's got good taste.
Handsome, weren't he?
Bloody Adonis.
Wasn't expensive...
You sound nice on the phone, Jack.
Nice telephone voice.
Sound like you work in an office.
- You ever worked in an office?
- No.
No?
Nice telephone voice.
I've worked in an office.
I was 17.
Does that surprise you?
What, that you were 17?
You got very nice eyes, Deedee.
Never noticed them before.
They real?
I'll get us all a drink, eh?
I'll give you a hand.
- He's staying the night.
- Have you told him?
Have you told him?!
- Yeah.
- And?
It's not that simple.
Did you know he fucked Jackie?
Yeah.
What the fuck was she playing at?
This is a fucking nightmare.
He's a fucking nightmare.
What happened?
What'd he say? You told him?
He knows.
Shouldn't have told him that.
Shouldn't have said anything.
Where? In the bar. About Jackie.
Jackie the Paki.
What, Gal? He's all right?
Still, giving too much of
yourself away. Fucking mouth.
Best keep schtum.
Schtum schtum, quick quick, schtum.
Big mouth
fucking big mouth Don, Don, Don.
You all right, mate?
Don't look it.
Someone taking the piss, are they?
Liberties?
What? That cunt through there?
What's he said to you?
It's all right, mate.
You can tell me.
He said that?
Just like that? No...
That lump of shit said that?
Expects you to take that?
What, does he think you're a cunt?
I'll sort him out for you,
shall I? It's not a problem.
Can't have that.
Get up, you cunt!
- Lazy bastard!
- Get out of our room!
Get out, Don.
Get out!
I'll be downstairs.
Unh... unh...
I love you, Gal.
You're loveable. Big, loveable bloke.
Loveable lump. Loveable lummox.
Gal Dove, party boy.
Big oaf.
So how is she? All right?
No, no, how is she?
Well, is she? She looks it.
Climate obviously agrees with her.
Still game for a laugh?
Honestly, of all the birds you
could've had and you picked her.
Gal Dove.
Gal fuckin' Dove.
Dove the Love. Glamorous Gal.
Big Gal. Gorgeous.
Used to have a great body.
Great physique.
Birds loved you, couldn't get enough,
and you wind up with that.
Dirty Deedee.
I love her with all my heart.
You know Vicky Raisins,
the pornographer?
He's an old man, but he still
operates off the Old Kent Road.
Says Deedee's still got a fan club.
They meet up every month.
The Wednesday Wank they call it.
They're in big demand nowadays,
those films. She's very popular.
Very popular. You seen 'em?
I've seen 'em.
What a stain on your life.
All the Persil in the world
couldn't shift it. She's disgusting.
Do it.
I'm retired.
- Do it.
- This is madness.
I've had enough
"Crime and Punishment" bollocks.
I'm happy here.
I won't let you be happy!
Why should I?!
Friday, the Grosvenor,
you'll be there.
- I won't.
- You will. I told Ted.
- No, I won't.
- You will! You're Mr Rowntree!
- No.
- Yes, Rowntree! Yes, Grosvenor!
- No.
- Friday!
- I won't...
- You will!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Don, let's stop
kidding ourselves, eh?
We know the reason you're here
and it's not just me.
What'd you say?
It's not just because of me.
What you talkin' about?
You didn't come here to...
just because of me.
I find this astonishing.
You're amazing. This is astoundin'.
- Repeat.
- Let's be honest.
This is about Jackie.
I come over here...
for professional reasons,
nothing else.
On a professional mission.
I've gotta hand-pick a team.
I had you in mind for that team.
But your attitude appals me,
not what you're saying,
what you're not saying.
Insinuendoes.
You're demonstrating some
whopping great ego, my friend.
That sort of big-headedness
can be a right turn-off!
If you don't wanna do the job
fair enough, I can accept that!
Considering the outrageousness
of what's going on in your head,
whatever stinking thoughts
you're having, we can go it alone!
Cos they're so disgusting!
Fuckin' hell! Fuckin' hell!
I would like to leave,
now, please. Get me a taxi.
Sir, I'm afraid you can't smoke.
What? What do you want?
Your cigarette,
you have to put it out.
Cigarette? What, this?
- No, I'm not gonna.
- You must.
- Why's that?
- If you don't, we can't take off.
Well, that's your problem, innit?
It's your move.
- I'm afraid...
- I won't put it out,
just wait till I've finished it,
simple as that.
Why don't you just put it out?
You want me to cut your hands
off and use it as an ashtray?
You prepared to let me
stub it out on your eyeball?
I'll put it out. Agreeable?
No.
Here come the gay brigade, look.
I'll tell you what...
I'll get off the plane.
You happy with that?
I'm happy with that.
I'll smoke it outside.
Open the door!
I hope this crashes.
Open the fucking door!
This is very serious, Mr Logan.
You're right,
I've been here for five hours.
As you may know, all European...
Before you start,
let me ask you something, please.
Have you ever been
sexually assaulted?
Neither have I, until today.
- What?
- That's what I said.
I'm putting my bag
up in the cupboard,
next thing, I feel hands on me,
someone's touched me,
touched my front... my front bottom.
I've gone all cold.
I look round, he's standing there,
that steward
with a guilty look on his face.
I didn't know what to say.
I had to sit down,
I was that perturbed.
Then his mate, the other one
telling us what to do if we crash,
he starts and all,
starts lookin' at me all funny.
I don't know if they wanted me
for a twos-up or something,
I don't know how they work it,
but it scared me,
I was shakin' like a leaf.
So without thinking, I lit
a cigarette to calm my nerves.
I was tremblin',
I was very emotional.
That's when the rest happened.
It's very regrettable.
Now, I don't want to
kick up a fuss, right?
Press charges,
contact the British Embassy.
I'd rather not pursue
those channels, it's not my style.
I wouldn't lose the man his job,
man's got to eat.
I'm sure he's not representative
of all you Spanish people.
But have a word with him,
let him know he's been rumbled.
It's the one with the ginger hair.
What d'you think he's saying?
"Gal told me to go fuck myself?"
Gal, how long you gonna be?
I'm just combing my hair.
- He'd look a right cunt.
- He is.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm saying he has to save face.
Protect himself. His image, his ego.
No. I'll tell you what's happening.
He's gone back and he's said...
"I've decided not to go with Gal,
he's fat, looks terrible,
Michelin man."
Fuck off, I'm beautiful.
No, mate, put yourself
in his perspective,
the way he sees things.
You're in the clear. Trust me.
Think I'm stupid?!
Thing I'm a fucking cunt?!
You think I'm gonna have that?
Do you think I'll have that?
My fucking ears were burnin'
all the way in the fuckin' cab!
Fuckin' on fire!
- What happened?
- What happened?
What fuckin' happened?
I'll tell you what
fuckin' happened, you tell me, Gal.
Gave me a fucking knock-back
you fat fuckin' cunt.
- Problem with the plane?
- What?
What did you fuckin' say, cunt? What?
Problem? Fucking problem?
No, mate, no.
No problem with the plane, cunt,
fucking plane was perfect,
you're the problem.
You fucking Dr White honkin'
jam-rag fucking spunk-bubble!
You keep lookin' at me,
I'll put you in the fucking ground!
Dee, take Jackie and Aitch inside.
Yeah.
- Drink?
- Yeah, you scheming cunt!
See if the ladies
let you try on their panties!
- You fuckin'...
- Don...
Shut up! Shut up.
Not this time, Gal. Not this time.
Not this fucking time.
No! No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!
No! No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No! Not this fucking time.
No fucking way, no fucking way!
You made me look a right cunt!
Like a right fucking Mr Confused!
What's Jackie gonna think?
Not that I care,
that's you fucking me about.
Is your middle name "Ungrateful"?
You just gonna stand there
like Porky Pig?
Hiding behind your wife's skirt?
Your ex-porn star wife's skirt!
I don't give two fucks
what Jackie Big-Tits thinks,
I've got enough fucking
information on her.
So what if she's got a pretty face,
that could all change!
Age changes that!
See if she's still coming
with a face like a prune!
Aitch will be well gone by then!
I'm gonna kill you, Gal.
I'm gonna fucking kill him.
You point a gun at me?
Point a gun at me?
Gonna shoot me, are you?
Gonna shoot me.
Go on, then, shoot me.
It's all right.
Shoot me.
I'll have that.
There you go.
Cheers. Good luck.
You're at the Grosvenor.
Your name's Rowntree, like Smarties.
If they give you a pull,
you're just here to see some friends.
Somebody'll call you, pick you up.
Probably Mike.
Gal, got a minute?
Stan.
Hello, Ted.
How did he seem, Gal?
How did he come across?
- Who?
- Don.
Don? He was all right.
He was Don. Why?
Just... trying to trace back.
He was due back on Wednesday.
He stayed with me Wednesday,
left... Thursday.
- Yesterday?
- Yeah.
- That's what I mean.
- You take him to the airport?
- No.
- You didn't?
No, he got a cab. Why?
You didn't see him
get on the plane?
No, not personally, no,
but I know he got on.
How?
- He called me from Heathrow.
- He called you?
- Yeah. What's happened?
- Why'd he call?
I don't know,
he said he'd landed safely.
I thought it was funny.
Sorry, about this, Gal,
but Don's gone AWOL.
- Oh.
- You finished, Ted?
- Yeah.
- You can go back.
- We'll be through in a minute.
- Good to see you.
I'm just taking it step by step,
what else can I do?
Just one more day,
darling, one more day.
That's all it is, just one more day.
Dee? Dee?
I love you
like a rose loves rainwater,
like a leopard loves his partner
in the jungle, like...
I don't know
what like I love you.
I love you. I love you.
I know you know.
I know. I know that.
I know you love me
because I feel strong.
I have to go, I've got to get back.
I'm gonna hang up now.
I just want you to do
one thing for me. Just one.
Just say my name for me.
Just once.
Gal.
This phone call from Heathrow,
tell me what he said again.
Who, Don? I told you.
Tell me again.
- Just that he got back safe...
- No.
- He didn't do that.
- How d'you mean?
- I mean he didn't do that.
- Yeah, he did.
No, he didn't.
He didn't phone you from Heathrow.
I'm the one who got the call.
If you know different, tell me.
I don't know, Ted.
I don't know what you're getting at.
Don offered me a job,
I said, "Yes, please", he goes.
Next thing,
he phones me from Heathrow
and says, "See you Friday night".
- That's how he left it.
- But he didn't phone from Heathrow.
All right, he didn't phone me
from Heathrow, but he phoned me.
I'm not lying, Ted.
OK.
All right.
- Good luck tonight.
- Cheers.
I'm hurt!
See you around.
Where there's a will,
and there is a fucking will...
There's a way.
And there is a fuckin' way.
There's always
a fuckin' way.
How's it going, Gal?
We're in there, Stan,
but it ain't getting any easier.
It's just so fucking awkward.
- What time is it?
- Ten to twelve.
- How long?
- Another three hours, Ted.
- Maybe four.
- Fuck that. Two, two and half.
Oh, my God! Help me!
You've fucked hundreds!
Fucked hundreds!
Jackie...
I love you.
Help me, you cunt!
Get the fucking gun!
Fat, fat, cunt, cunt!
Murdering twat!
Bollock!
I fucked Jackie. Fucked her.
Ask her, she'll tell you.
I fucked her.
Yeah, well...
I've fucked you now, haven't I?
Right, Malky, get Gal out!
Everyone all right?
Wheel 'em out!
Gentlemen...
- You're all cunts.
You tired?
No, I'm all right, actually, Ted.
You're a fucking millionaire
now, ain't ya?
- I was gonna say...
- Gal, no, no, you...
Go on... What?
Congratulations,
it went like a fucking dream.
Congratulations all round.
What's the matter?
You do not look happy.
Me? No, I'm happy. I'm well happy.
We're all happy, mate.
Yeah.
What's with the bag?
You, er... You shootin' off?
Who, me? No. Well, yeah.
I've got a plane to catch.
- Have you?
- Mm.
I'll give you a lift.
- It's all right, Ted...
- Come on.
See you later, Stan.
I've just got to
stop off for a minute.
Is that all right?
Yeah. Course.
Come with me.
Who is it?
It's Teddy.
What do you want? It's ten past five.
I know, I'm sorry. I need
your help, something's happened.
What is it?
Come in, Gal.
What are you doing?
I need a drink for my friend.
Can you fix him one?
So, what are you having, Gal?
Um... I'll have a whisky, please.
Cheers.
No, I'm all right.
Where's Don, Gal?
He never left Spain, I know that.
He never got on the plane.
Well, he did, and he got off again.
And there's no record
of him getting another flight.
I can only assume...
he's still in Spain.
I'm not into this any more, Ted.
Spain, eh?
Yeah.
I must drop in sometime.
Pay my respects.
How much did he say
you were on for this?
- He wasn't specific...
- I'm giving you a tenner.
I've only got twenties.
You got change?
You see...
if I cared, Gal...
if I fucking cared...
if I gave a solitary fuck
about Don...
Get out of the fucking car.
Look, with this pill,
they say you take it and that's it.
Your hair don't grow,
you don't go bald, it stays the same.
You have your hair cut once,
in whatever style you want,
and it stays like that for
the rest of your natural life.
It's revolutionary.
What if you get fed up
with your style, you berk?
Ahh... Well, that's
where the antidote comes in.
- Oh!
- Smart-arse.
The whole process is reversible.
You just take a different pill.
Now, I'm not saying this
is gonna happen next year
but it will happen,
it's definitely coming.
Hairdressers are shitting themselves.
Shut up!
They did a test
with three monkeys, right?
Gave 'em all a Beatles-style haircut.
They've been living with that
cut for the past two years.
And apparently,
they're very happy with it.
I can't listen to this!
You hungry, love?
Shall I fix you a sandwich?
Oh, yeah. That'd be lovely.
Told you you'd do the job.
Yeah, well...
you were right, Don.
Technically speaking,
you were right.
But you're dead.
So shut up.
## When marimba rhythms start to play #
# Dance with me #
# Make me sway #
# Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore #
# Hold me close #
# Sway me more #
# Like a flower bending in the breeze #
# Bend with me #
# Sway with ease #
# When we dance #
# you have a way with me #
# Stay with me, sway with me #
# Other dancers may be on the floor #
# Dear, but my eyes #
# will see only you #
# Only you have the magic technique #
# When we sway I grow weak #
# I can hear the sound of violins #
# Long before #
# It begins #
# Make me thrill #
# as only you know how #
# Sway me smooth #
# Sway me now #
# When marimba rhythms start to play #
# Dance with me #
# Make me sway #
# Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore #
# Hold me close #
# Sway me more #
# Other dancers may be on the floor #
# Dear, but my eyes #
# will see only you #
# Only you have the magic technique #
# When we sway I grow weak #
# I can hear the sound of violins #
# Long before #
# It begins #
# Make me thrill #
# as only you know how #
# Sway me smooth #
# Sway me now #
# You know how, sway me smooth #
# Sway me now ##
Bloody hell.
I'm sweatin' here.
Roastin'.
Boilin'.
Bakin'.
Swelterin'.
It's like a sauna.
A furnace.
You could fry an egg on my stomach.
Ohh...
Ooh, now that is hot.
It's ridiculous.
Tremendous.
Fantastic.
Fan-dabby-dozy...
...tastic.
Oi. Give it some.
This brush is sick.
It's a good brush,
what's the matter with you?
Don't blame the brush, it's the man.
It's you, it's your technique.
Put your back into it.
Mush!
Yes, sir!
## Walking on the beaches #
# looking at the peaches #
# Well, I got the notion, girl, #
# that you got some suntan lotion #
# In that bottle of yours #
# Spread it all over #
# my peeling skin, baby #
# That feels real good #
# All the skirts #
# lapping up the sun #
# Lap me up! #
# Why don't you come on #
# and lap me up #
# Walking on the beaches #
# looking at the peaches #
# Well, there goes another one #
# just lying down on the sand dunes #
# I better go take a swim #
# And see if I can #
# cool down a little bit #
# Cos you and me, woman #
# We got a lot of #
# things on our minds... #
Oi, I don't pay you to flap about,
# go and get us a coupla beers.
# Walking on the beaches #
# looking at the peaches #
# Well, you just #
# take a look over there #
# Where? #
# Is she trying #
# to get out of that clitoris? #
# Liberation for women, #
# that's what I preach #
# Preacher man! #
# Walking on the beaches #
# looking at the peaches #
# Oh, shit! #
# There goes the charabanc #
# Looks like I'm gonna be #
# stuck here the whole summer #
# Well, what a bummer! #
# I can think of #
# a lot worse places to be #
# Like down in the street #
# or down in the sewer #
# Or even #
# on the end of a skewer... #
Oh, lovely...
# Down on the beaches #
# just look at all the peaches #
# Down on the beaches... #
# Down on the beaches #
# just look at all the peaches #
# Down on the beaches #
# just look at all the peaches #
# Mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm! #
# Mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm! #
# Mmm! #
# Mm-mm mm-mm mm! ##
- What's that?
- It's a boulder.
- What?
- A fuckin' boulder.
I've got the fuckin' bends.
How did that happen?
I don't fuckin' know.
Where's the mobile?
I almost got killed, Dee!
I was that close
to gettin' killed. Serious!
You nearly had a squashed husband.
Here, give your mate a call.
- What?
- Your mate, the one with the truck.
- Felipe?
- Yeah, if that's his name.
Don't worry about this, darlin'.
It's nothing.
Come here.
It has done
a fair bit of damage, Gal.
- Cracked the tiles.
- I had noticed!
- When's that gettin' fixed?
- Saturday, apparently.
Wouldn't bet on it.
They're takin'
the boulder out Tuesday
and retilin' on Saturday, I hope.
Oh!
Fuckin' hell!
- Fuckin' thing!
He should be in the circus.
He's a menace.
You all right?
Yeah, I'm all right.
Oi, Gal.
You gonna stay with
the same colour water?
- What d'you mean?
- Water.
You stickin' with the plain?
You can have different colours.
- Fuck off!
- Straight up!
Aquamarine, deep blue,
mid-blue, tangerine, lilac, pink,
plum, anything you want.
- They've got a chart.
- Is that right?
- Check it out.
- Gal, he's at it.
I'm not! What do you know?
- Just have the fuckin' plain.
I fully intend to!
Now, eat your sausage!
People say,
"Don't you miss it, Gal?"
I say, "What? England?"
"Nah, fuckin' place. It's a dump."
"Don't make me laugh."
"Grey, grimy, sooty."
"What a shithole. What a toilet."
"Every cunt with a long face,
shufflin' about, moanin' or worried."
"No thanks, not for me."
They say,
"What's it like, then? Spain."
And I'll say, "It's hot."
"Hot."
"Oh, it's fuckin' hot."
"Too hot?"
"Not for me."
"I love it."
He ain't gonna hit
fuck all with that blunderbuss.
- Better off with a spear.
- Shut up, Aitch.
Shh!
I'll give you 100 to 1.
Hold up.
Little peach.
It's only a tiddler.
That's his problem.
Prepare to meet your maker.
Cowboy gun? Fucking right,
it was a cowboy gun.
Clunk!
What?
I'm gonna have the calamari.
What you havin'?
I'm not sure yet.
You like mussels, have the mussels.
No, I'll have this chicken thing.
What chicken thing?
I didn't see that.
Oh, yeah.
No, I'm gonna have the calamari.
I'll have the calamari.
Shall we just order? I'm starvin'.
I'm Lee Marvin.
Here they are.
- Hello, babe.
Whatever it is, leave it outside.
That way,
we can have a nice evening.
Jackie... you look beautiful.
Can you get me a brandy, Aitch?
Now, that's what
I like to hear, brandy.
Bloody brandy.
I'll have one of them.
- You all right, Jackie?
- Aitch...
Tell him, then.
- Tell me what?
- Jackie?
Are you definitely retired?
Yeah, why?
- Definitely?
- I'm definitely retired.
What's this about?
Gal, we had a phone call,
just before we left the house.
- Yeah?
- It was from London.
He's definitely retired.
Wait a minute, love.
Now, let me get this straight.
You had a call. The phone goes.
It's a job, right?
- Yeah.
- And they want me?
Yeah.
- No one else?
- No.
- They want me?
- Yeah.
All right. You've asked me
and I've said no. That's it.
So... why are we still talking?
Jack?
It was Don Logan.
- Oh, Christ.
- Don Logan.
Gal, I'm sorry, I didn't know...
- It's all right.
- Why didn't he just call us?
Who knows what goes on
in that cunt's head?
- It's not your fault.
- Shouldn't have picked it up.
All right, right, um...
You tell Don...
Umm... Tell him... thanks.
Thanks for thinkin' of me,
but I've gotta decline.
- No offence, but...
- You can't.
Well, then, tell him...
Tell him...
- I'd be no good.
- They're serious.
Tell him what the fuck
you like, anything!
- You can tell him yourself.
- What?
- Yeah.
- He's comin' over.
Tomorrow.
Wants us to pick him up.
OK.
Seor.
He rates you, Gal.
Reckons there's no risk.
Oh, that's nice, that. Nice and cold.
I love this restaurant.
Deedee, my lovely wife...
Come Saturday I'll have
me pool back, swim in it.
Always dreamed of that... this.
Guess where?
That's it. You got it right in one.
Inside, that's where.
"No risk."
No fucking risk?
Nine years of my fucking life,
no fucking risk?
What you havin'?
I'm havin' the calamari.
Look, what's the worst thing
that could happen?
He's gonna come here, ask me,
I'm gonna say no.
He's not gonna be happy,
then he'll leave.
- That simple?
- Yeah.
Now, please, come to bed,
I miss you.
We don't have to be here.
Now, that would be
the wrong thing to do.
You know that.
That'd be like a red rag to a bull.
All I can do
is tell him to his face
that I'm not interested,
that's all I can do.
And I'm not.
And I will tell him.
Come here, give us a hug.
He'll hurt you.
No...
He won't.
He won't hurt me. He can't.
You know he can.
Come on. Let's get some kip.
Oi!
Here y'are, sort him out.
He'll have the balance
on Saturday.
Listen, stay away
from here for a bit.
I'm all right for the moment.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gotta change my shirt,
it's sticking to me.
I'm sweatin' like a cunt.
How's your brother?
Malky? He's all right, I suppose.
Dunno, you'd have to ask him.
- You patched things up?
- It's up to him, innit?
- How was the flight, Don?
- Was all right.
So this is a Spanish villa, is it?
Yeah, this is it. The old hacienda.
Bit remote, innit? Cut off.
No, it's perfect, Don.
It's just how we like it.
D'you wanna look round?
Yeah, I will in a minute,
when I have a piss.
Right, girls, you fit?
Where you goin'?
Taking the ladies out to eat.
Leave you two to it.
- Ain't I invited?
- No, Don.
No, no - course you are!
Only I thought you'd want
some time. Talk about things.
No, I'm jokin'. It's all right.
Here y'are, I'll get it.
That's all right, Don.
No need for that.
Aitch! Behave.
I'm payin' for your meal.
Oh, that's, er, very kind of you.
- Very nice of you.
- Shut up.
Yeah, this is all right, innit?
Not bad.
What's that?
- A swimming pool.
- It's a bath, innit?
- We had an accident.
- Accident?
Yeah, this boulder
came rollin' down the hill,
just missed me.
Smashed some tiles. Look.
- You happy here?
- Yeah. Very.
What did Jackie say?
- Just that something was happening.
- Which it is. And?
- You were planning something.
- And you said?
I didn't say much, just listened.
She put a question to you.
- Yeah.
- Which was?
That you thought of me.
To which you said?
She probably told you.
Told me nothing.
- Look, Don...
- Look, Don?
- It's like this.
- Like what?
I'm...
retired.
Are ya?
'Fraid so.
I haven't... not got lots
of money. I got enough.
I'd do anything not to offend you,
but I can't take part.
I'm not really up to it.
- Not up to it?
- No, I'm not.
I see.
- I'd be useless.
- Useless.
- I would be.
- In what way?
In every fuckin' way.
Why are you swearin'?
I'm not swearin'.
I'm gonna tell you a little story.
I know a bloke who knows a bloke
who knows a bloke.
Hello?
Now, you know this bloke.
- Do I?
- This is a bloke you know.
Is that Mr Logan?
- Who's this?
- Hello, Mr Logan.
- Hello.
- What you doin'?
- Watching telly.
- What you watchin'?
Nuffin'. Is that Stan?
Course it is, you cunt.
Stan Higgins.
Wants me to put a team together.
Eight men. Strong.
Ain't afraid of graft.
It's gonna take all night.
Good boys, gotta be good boys.
Reliable. Positive attitude.
That's very important.
Very important.
That's what we're looking for, Don.
Who's behind this, Stan?
Who do you think?
- Who do you think, Gal?
- I dunno. Who?
- Who?
- Teddy.
Teddy?
Teddy Bass.
Mr. Black Magic himself. Teddy Bass.
Months ago,
he gets invited to this party,
massive place on the Bishops Avenue.
Wild party, orgy.
Orgy?
Said it was fucking incredible.
Arses everywhere. Doin' everything.
Wanking, spanking...
Fucking...
Cocaine, camcorders...
Like ancient Rome.
How are you feeling, Teddy?
Are you all right?
Having fun?
Yeah, it's a gas.
What you staring at?
Who's he fuckin' sitting next to?
Who's he fuckin' sitting next to?
Teddy, this is Harry,
chairman of Imperial Emblatt.
Only the fuckin' chairman
of Imperial Emblatt.
Heard of that?
No.
That's cos they're one of those
sniffy lot, don't need publicity.
The back of your head.
What did you say?
I'm staring at the back of your head.
Well, don't. Stare at the back
of your own fucking head.
Like Standard Gradings TMD,
remember them?
Yeah, safety deposits, late '70s.
That's it. Only these are bigger.
Much bigger.
Men or women?
Oh...
definitely.
This chairman's
not such a big prick.
He knows who Teddy Bass is.
What he is, what he's up to.
But does he care?
- Does he, fuck.
- Thank you for that, Harry.
I've been looking
for somewhere safe for that.
It's been in the family
for donkey's years, generations.
Why? Cos the place is impregnable.
The most elaborate
security system in Europe.
Well, thanks, Teddy.
Thank you for choosing us.
It's a modern fortress.
No, it's perfect for me.
I'm well impressed.
I feel very... safe.
Well, rest assured, Teddy,
we're very safe.
Very comforting to know that, Harry.
Nice doing business with you.
See you around.
Tell you what, Stan. That is
fucking impressive, that place.
I'll say that, fucking futuristic.
Yeah?
Doable?
I don't see why not.
See, where there's a will,
and there is a fucking will...
There's a way.
And there is a fuckin' way.
There's always a fucking way.
It's Saturday but you're needed
in London Friday.
It's a bit sudden, innit?
No, it's very far from sudden.
It's been five months,
I've been in on it for two.
It's not sudden. Preparation,
preparation, preparation.
It's a piece of piss, a monkey
could do it, so I thought of you!
Cheers, Don.
You're at the Grosvenor,
your name's Rowntree.
If they give you a pull,
you're just here to see some friends.
Somebody'll call you,
pick you up. Probably Mike.
What's that mean?
- What?
- That stupid nodding you're doing.
Is this a fuck-off, Gal?
No, course not.
- Are you saying no?
- No.
- Is that what you're saying?
- Not exactly.
- What are you saying?
- I'm just saying...
Thanks and all that,
thanks for thinking of me,
but I've got to turn
this opportunity down.
No, you've got to
turn this opportunity yes.
- I'm not match fit.
- You seem all right to me.
- Not really.
- You look fine.
- Do the job.
- What?
- Do the job.
- No, Don.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- I can't.
- Can.
- I can't.
- Don't do this.
- Do what?
- What am I doin'?!
- This.
This? This what?
- Come on, Don.
- There's a boy lookin' at us.
Go home, son. Go on.
I don't need you today.
Go on, go home.
Go home!
Who was that?
A Spanish kid who helps
around the house. Nice kid.
D'you wanna go into town for
a drink? I'll show you round?
If you like. I'm not fussed.
You're on two per cent,
maybe even three.
Depends on the usual bumflufferies.
It's not about money with us, is it?
It's the charge, the bolt, the buzz.
The sheer fuck-offness, right?
## Dance to the music #
# like nobody does #
# The first time I saw you #
# I knew it was love #
# Groover... #
She's all right, Jackie, isn't she?
Yeah, she's great. Great laugh.
Big tits.
Yeah, she's a lovely girl.
# My heart is on fire #
# the night is divine #
# My only desire #
# is making you mine... ##
I've missed my plane,
I'm staying tonight, that all right?
Course.
I fucked her.
It's none of my business.
I know, I'm just tellin' you.
Three years ago.
Oh, yeah?
- Dirty cow.
- Yeah.
Aitch knows fuck-all about it.
What's she doing with him,
lanky hunk of piss, fucking pillock.
He loves her, Don.
I'm tempted to tell him.
She tried to stick her finger
up my bum.
I almost hit the roof.
What d'you make
of a woman who'd do that?
Listen, don't say nothin',
Gal, but I...
- I quite liked her.
- Did ya?
Mmm.
How is she, all right?
- What's that, Don?
- You heard.
No, I didn't, Don. Sorry.
Yeah? Well, I'm not repeating it.
How far's the sea?
Talk to me, Gal.
I'm here for you.
I'm a good listener.
What can I say? I've said it all.
- I'm retired.
- Shut up!
Cunt.
You louse. You got some
fuckin' neck. Retired?
Fuck off, you're revolting.
Your fuckin' suntan,
you're like leather.
Like a leather man.
You could make a fuckin' suitcase.
You look like a
fat crocodile, fat bastard.
You look like fuckin' Idi Amin.
State of you.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Who d'you think you are?
King of the castle? Cock of the walk?
Oof!
You think this is
the Wheel of Fortune?
You make your dough and fuck off?
Thanks, Don. See you, Don
Off to Spain, Don. Fuck off, Don.
Lie in your pool laughing at me,
d'you think I'll have that?
You think I'll have that, ya ponce?
All right, I'll make it easy.
God, you're fucking trying.
Are you gonna do the job?
It's not a
difficult question. Yes or no?
- Don...
- Say it.
No.
Yes. Fuck off, wanker,
you're doin' it.
You know what I've noticed, Gal?
What stands out?
You haven't asked about anybody.
Everyone asks after you
"How's Gal? Heard from him?"
"No, not for a while."
"Is he all right?"
Leaves me wondering,
"Have I upset him?"
"Must have, I'll ask him."
Have I upset you?
- Course not.
- Meaning?
Well, you haven't.
You're British,
not a fucking Spaniard.
Don't kid yourself...
What's that?
It's a goat.
They're a fucking nuisance.
What's it lookin' at me for?
God, the steak was enormous!
Size of it. Couldn't finish it.
And he were nice, weren't he?
The waiter.
Oh, yeah. Very attentive.
He liked you, Deedee, didn't he, Dee?
- Liked you.
- He's got good taste.
Handsome, weren't he?
Bloody Adonis.
Wasn't expensive...
You sound nice on the phone, Jack.
Nice telephone voice.
Sound like you work in an office.
- You ever worked in an office?
- No.
No?
Nice telephone voice.
I've worked in an office.
I was 17.
Does that surprise you?
What, that you were 17?
You got very nice eyes, Deedee.
Never noticed them before.
They real?
I'll get us all a drink, eh?
I'll give you a hand.
- He's staying the night.
- Have you told him?
Have you told him?!
- Yeah.
- And?
It's not that simple.
Did you know he fucked Jackie?
Yeah.
What the fuck was she playing at?
This is a fucking nightmare.
He's a fucking nightmare.
What happened?
What'd he say? You told him?
He knows.
Shouldn't have told him that.
Shouldn't have said anything.
Where? In the bar. About Jackie.
Jackie the Paki.
What, Gal? He's all right?
Still, giving too much of
yourself away. Fucking mouth.
Best keep schtum.
Schtum schtum, quick quick, schtum.
Big mouth
fucking big mouth Don, Don, Don.
You all right, mate?
Don't look it.
Someone taking the piss, are they?
Liberties?
What? That cunt through there?
What's he said to you?
It's all right, mate.
You can tell me.
He said that?
Just like that? No...
That lump of shit said that?
Expects you to take that?
What, does he think you're a cunt?
I'll sort him out for you,
shall I? It's not a problem.
Can't have that.
Get up, you cunt!
- Lazy bastard!
- Get out of our room!
Get out, Don.
Get out!
I'll be downstairs.
Unh... unh...
I love you, Gal.
You're loveable. Big, loveable bloke.
Loveable lump. Loveable lummox.
Gal Dove, party boy.
Big oaf.
So how is she? All right?
No, no, how is she?
Well, is she? She looks it.
Climate obviously agrees with her.
Still game for a laugh?
Honestly, of all the birds you
could've had and you picked her.
Gal Dove.
Gal fuckin' Dove.
Dove the Love. Glamorous Gal.
Big Gal. Gorgeous.
Used to have a great body.
Great physique.
Birds loved you, couldn't get enough,
and you wind up with that.
Dirty Deedee.
I love her with all my heart.
You know Vicky Raisins,
the pornographer?
He's an old man, but he still
operates off the Old Kent Road.
Says Deedee's still got a fan club.
They meet up every month.
The Wednesday Wank they call it.
They're in big demand nowadays,
those films. She's very popular.
Very popular. You seen 'em?
I've seen 'em.
What a stain on your life.
All the Persil in the world
couldn't shift it. She's disgusting.
Do it.
I'm retired.
- Do it.
- This is madness.
I've had enough
"Crime and Punishment" bollocks.
I'm happy here.
I won't let you be happy!
Why should I?!
Friday, the Grosvenor,
you'll be there.
- I won't.
- You will. I told Ted.
- No, I won't.
- You will! You're Mr Rowntree!
- No.
- Yes, Rowntree! Yes, Grosvenor!
- No.
- Friday!
- I won't...
- You will!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Don, let's stop
kidding ourselves, eh?
We know the reason you're here
and it's not just me.
What'd you say?
It's not just because of me.
What you talkin' about?
You didn't come here to...
just because of me.
I find this astonishing.
You're amazing. This is astoundin'.
- Repeat.
- Let's be honest.
This is about Jackie.
I come over here...
for professional reasons,
nothing else.
On a professional mission.
I've gotta hand-pick a team.
I had you in mind for that team.
But your attitude appals me,
not what you're saying,
what you're not saying.
Insinuendoes.
You're demonstrating some
whopping great ego, my friend.
That sort of big-headedness
can be a right turn-off!
If you don't wanna do the job
fair enough, I can accept that!
Considering the outrageousness
of what's going on in your head,
whatever stinking thoughts
you're having, we can go it alone!
Cos they're so disgusting!
Fuckin' hell! Fuckin' hell!
I would like to leave,
now, please. Get me a taxi.
Sir, I'm afraid you can't smoke.
What? What do you want?
Your cigarette,
you have to put it out.
Cigarette? What, this?
- No, I'm not gonna.
- You must.
- Why's that?
- If you don't, we can't take off.
Well, that's your problem, innit?
It's your move.
- I'm afraid...
- I won't put it out,
just wait till I've finished it,
simple as that.
Why don't you just put it out?
You want me to cut your hands
off and use it as an ashtray?
You prepared to let me
stub it out on your eyeball?
I'll put it out. Agreeable?
No.
Here come the gay brigade, look.
I'll tell you what...
I'll get off the plane.
You happy with that?
I'm happy with that.
I'll smoke it outside.
Open the door!
I hope this crashes.
Open the fucking door!
This is very serious, Mr Logan.
You're right,
I've been here for five hours.
As you may know, all European...
Before you start,
let me ask you something, please.
Have you ever been
sexually assaulted?
Neither have I, until today.
- What?
- That's what I said.
I'm putting my bag
up in the cupboard,
next thing, I feel hands on me,
someone's touched me,
touched my front... my front bottom.
I've gone all cold.
I look round, he's standing there,
that steward
with a guilty look on his face.
I didn't know what to say.
I had to sit down,
I was that perturbed.
Then his mate, the other one
telling us what to do if we crash,
he starts and all,
starts lookin' at me all funny.
I don't know if they wanted me
for a twos-up or something,
I don't know how they work it,
but it scared me,
I was shakin' like a leaf.
So without thinking, I lit
a cigarette to calm my nerves.
I was tremblin',
I was very emotional.
That's when the rest happened.
It's very regrettable.
Now, I don't want to
kick up a fuss, right?
Press charges,
contact the British Embassy.
I'd rather not pursue
those channels, it's not my style.
I wouldn't lose the man his job,
man's got to eat.
I'm sure he's not representative
of all you Spanish people.
But have a word with him,
let him know he's been rumbled.
It's the one with the ginger hair.
What d'you think he's saying?
"Gal told me to go fuck myself?"
Gal, how long you gonna be?
I'm just combing my hair.
- He'd look a right cunt.
- He is.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm saying he has to save face.
Protect himself. His image, his ego.
No. I'll tell you what's happening.
He's gone back and he's said...
"I've decided not to go with Gal,
he's fat, looks terrible,
Michelin man."
Fuck off, I'm beautiful.
No, mate, put yourself
in his perspective,
the way he sees things.
You're in the clear. Trust me.
Think I'm stupid?!
Thing I'm a fucking cunt?!
You think I'm gonna have that?
Do you think I'll have that?
My fucking ears were burnin'
all the way in the fuckin' cab!
Fuckin' on fire!
- What happened?
- What happened?
What fuckin' happened?
I'll tell you what
fuckin' happened, you tell me, Gal.
Gave me a fucking knock-back
you fat fuckin' cunt.
- Problem with the plane?
- What?
What did you fuckin' say, cunt? What?
Problem? Fucking problem?
No, mate, no.
No problem with the plane, cunt,
fucking plane was perfect,
you're the problem.
You fucking Dr White honkin'
jam-rag fucking spunk-bubble!
You keep lookin' at me,
I'll put you in the fucking ground!
Dee, take Jackie and Aitch inside.
Yeah.
- Drink?
- Yeah, you scheming cunt!
See if the ladies
let you try on their panties!
- You fuckin'...
- Don...
Shut up! Shut up.
Not this time, Gal. Not this time.
Not this fucking time.
No! No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!
No! No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No! Not this fucking time.
No fucking way, no fucking way!
You made me look a right cunt!
Like a right fucking Mr Confused!
What's Jackie gonna think?
Not that I care,
that's you fucking me about.
Is your middle name "Ungrateful"?
You just gonna stand there
like Porky Pig?
Hiding behind your wife's skirt?
Your ex-porn star wife's skirt!
I don't give two fucks
what Jackie Big-Tits thinks,
I've got enough fucking
information on her.
So what if she's got a pretty face,
that could all change!
Age changes that!
See if she's still coming
with a face like a prune!
Aitch will be well gone by then!
I'm gonna kill you, Gal.
I'm gonna fucking kill him.
You point a gun at me?
Point a gun at me?
Gonna shoot me, are you?
Gonna shoot me.
Go on, then, shoot me.
It's all right.
Shoot me.
I'll have that.
There you go.
Cheers. Good luck.
You're at the Grosvenor.
Your name's Rowntree, like Smarties.
If they give you a pull,
you're just here to see some friends.
Somebody'll call you, pick you up.
Probably Mike.
Gal, got a minute?
Stan.
Hello, Ted.
How did he seem, Gal?
How did he come across?
- Who?
- Don.
Don? He was all right.
He was Don. Why?
Just... trying to trace back.
He was due back on Wednesday.
He stayed with me Wednesday,
left... Thursday.
- Yesterday?
- Yeah.
- That's what I mean.
- You take him to the airport?
- No.
- You didn't?
No, he got a cab. Why?
You didn't see him
get on the plane?
No, not personally, no,
but I know he got on.
How?
- He called me from Heathrow.
- He called you?
- Yeah. What's happened?
- Why'd he call?
I don't know,
he said he'd landed safely.
I thought it was funny.
Sorry, about this, Gal,
but Don's gone AWOL.
- Oh.
- You finished, Ted?
- Yeah.
- You can go back.
- We'll be through in a minute.
- Good to see you.
I'm just taking it step by step,
what else can I do?
Just one more day,
darling, one more day.
That's all it is, just one more day.
Dee? Dee?
I love you
like a rose loves rainwater,
like a leopard loves his partner
in the jungle, like...
I don't know
what like I love you.
I love you. I love you.
I know you know.
I know. I know that.
I know you love me
because I feel strong.
I have to go, I've got to get back.
I'm gonna hang up now.
I just want you to do
one thing for me. Just one.
Just say my name for me.
Just once.
Gal.
This phone call from Heathrow,
tell me what he said again.
Who, Don? I told you.
Tell me again.
- Just that he got back safe...
- No.
- He didn't do that.
- How d'you mean?
- I mean he didn't do that.
- Yeah, he did.
No, he didn't.
He didn't phone you from Heathrow.
I'm the one who got the call.
If you know different, tell me.
I don't know, Ted.
I don't know what you're getting at.
Don offered me a job,
I said, "Yes, please", he goes.
Next thing,
he phones me from Heathrow
and says, "See you Friday night".
- That's how he left it.
- But he didn't phone from Heathrow.
All right, he didn't phone me
from Heathrow, but he phoned me.
I'm not lying, Ted.
OK.
All right.
- Good luck tonight.
- Cheers.
I'm hurt!
See you around.
Where there's a will,
and there is a fucking will...
There's a way.
And there is a fuckin' way.
There's always
a fuckin' way.
How's it going, Gal?
We're in there, Stan,
but it ain't getting any easier.
It's just so fucking awkward.
- What time is it?
- Ten to twelve.
- How long?
- Another three hours, Ted.
- Maybe four.
- Fuck that. Two, two and half.
Oh, my God! Help me!
You've fucked hundreds!
Fucked hundreds!
Jackie...
I love you.
Help me, you cunt!
Get the fucking gun!
Fat, fat, cunt, cunt!
Murdering twat!
Bollock!
I fucked Jackie. Fucked her.
Ask her, she'll tell you.
I fucked her.
Yeah, well...
I've fucked you now, haven't I?
Right, Malky, get Gal out!
Everyone all right?
Wheel 'em out!
Gentlemen...
- You're all cunts.
You tired?
No, I'm all right, actually, Ted.
You're a fucking millionaire
now, ain't ya?
- I was gonna say...
- Gal, no, no, you...
Go on... What?
Congratulations,
it went like a fucking dream.
Congratulations all round.
What's the matter?
You do not look happy.
Me? No, I'm happy. I'm well happy.
We're all happy, mate.
Yeah.
What's with the bag?
You, er... You shootin' off?
Who, me? No. Well, yeah.
I've got a plane to catch.
- Have you?
- Mm.
I'll give you a lift.
- It's all right, Ted...
- Come on.
See you later, Stan.
I've just got to
stop off for a minute.
Is that all right?
Yeah. Course.
Come with me.
Who is it?
It's Teddy.
What do you want? It's ten past five.
I know, I'm sorry. I need
your help, something's happened.
What is it?
Come in, Gal.
What are you doing?
I need a drink for my friend.
Can you fix him one?
So, what are you having, Gal?
Um... I'll have a whisky, please.
Cheers.
No, I'm all right.
Where's Don, Gal?
He never left Spain, I know that.
He never got on the plane.
Well, he did, and he got off again.
And there's no record
of him getting another flight.
I can only assume...
he's still in Spain.
I'm not into this any more, Ted.
Spain, eh?
Yeah.
I must drop in sometime.
Pay my respects.
How much did he say
you were on for this?
- He wasn't specific...
- I'm giving you a tenner.
I've only got twenties.
You got change?
You see...
if I cared, Gal...
if I fucking cared...
if I gave a solitary fuck
about Don...
Get out of the fucking car.
Look, with this pill,
they say you take it and that's it.
Your hair don't grow,
you don't go bald, it stays the same.
You have your hair cut once,
in whatever style you want,
and it stays like that for
the rest of your natural life.
It's revolutionary.
What if you get fed up
with your style, you berk?
Ahh... Well, that's
where the antidote comes in.
- Oh!
- Smart-arse.
The whole process is reversible.
You just take a different pill.
Now, I'm not saying this
is gonna happen next year
but it will happen,
it's definitely coming.
Hairdressers are shitting themselves.
Shut up!
They did a test
with three monkeys, right?
Gave 'em all a Beatles-style haircut.
They've been living with that
cut for the past two years.
And apparently,
they're very happy with it.
I can't listen to this!
You hungry, love?
Shall I fix you a sandwich?
Oh, yeah. That'd be lovely.
Told you you'd do the job.
Yeah, well...
you were right, Don.
Technically speaking,
you were right.
But you're dead.
So shut up.
## When marimba rhythms start to play #
# Dance with me #
# Make me sway #
# Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore #
# Hold me close #
# Sway me more #
# Like a flower bending in the breeze #
# Bend with me #
# Sway with ease #
# When we dance #
# you have a way with me #
# Stay with me, sway with me #
# Other dancers may be on the floor #
# Dear, but my eyes #
# will see only you #
# Only you have the magic technique #
# When we sway I grow weak #
# I can hear the sound of violins #
# Long before #
# It begins #
# Make me thrill #
# as only you know how #
# Sway me smooth #
# Sway me now #
# When marimba rhythms start to play #
# Dance with me #
# Make me sway #
# Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore #
# Hold me close #
# Sway me more #
# Other dancers may be on the floor #
# Dear, but my eyes #
# will see only you #
# Only you have the magic technique #
# When we sway I grow weak #
# I can hear the sound of violins #
# Long before #
# It begins #
# Make me thrill #
# as only you know how #
# Sway me smooth #
# Sway me now #
# You know how, sway me smooth #
# Sway me now ##