Shanghai Knights (2003) Movie Script
Boxers!
Not one step further.
The keeper
of the lmperial Seal.
Just the man l was looking for.
A woman.
You Chinese are
very progressive.
A gift from an old friend.
Wu Chow.
He wanted me to send
his regards.
Father!
Father.
The seal.
You must get it back.
l promise.
Give this... to your brother.
What are you reading?
Oh.
"Roy O'Bannon vs. The Mummy."
lt's incredible.
Roy's just taken out
the Mummy's entire army
of zombie confederate soldiers,
and he only had one bullet.
That's impossible.
Oh, no, it's not.
Roy figured out
the physics of the canyon
and then ricocheted a bullet
off the canyon wall.
Nailed each zombie
through the heart.
What about the Shanghai Kid?
He was captured
and knocked out on page 10
while he was polishing
Roy's pearl handles.
Don't you worry.
Roy's about to save him from
becoming a human sacrifice.
Those stories are all lies.
No. See?
lt says right here
on the back.
"Author Sage McCallister bases
all his stories
on firsthand accounts."
Sorry, sheriff.
No princess.
Every day you meet
the noon stage.
Every day it's the same story.
She's not coming back.
Pei Pei's married to her work
in San Francisco.
Modern woman.
Sheriff, you got a parcel.
Hey, maybe it's from her!
No. lt's from my sister
in China.
l know.
l know.
l must go.
Stay here and be a good horsey
for the new sheriff.
Uh, sheriff,
that stage is headed east.
lsn't China kind of west
of here?
l'm not going to China.
l'm going to New York.
Roy invested my money.
ls it true that he lives in a
penthouse at the top of the Ritz
surrounded by dozens
of beautiful women
at his every beck and call?
That's the old Roy.
He's married, settled down.
Trust me, he's changed.
So there we were.
Completely outnumbered.
He didn't have to tell me
we didn't stand a chance.
So l send the Shanghai Kid
and the princess out the back.
Poor Shanghai Kid.
He was so frightened.
He forgot to thank me
for saving his life.
l'm used to that.
Now, l returned to the front,
and l counted to three...
and l burst out of the mission.
Pearl handles blazing.
Lead flying everywhere.
And not a single bullet
touched me.
-No!
-Yeah.
What happened
to the emperor's gold?
Well, we divided it up.
l insisted on giving my share
to the lndians.
The savages?
Please don't ever call
those noble people savages.
lf being proud of your body
and wanting to ride around naked
all day makes you a savage,
then, by God,
you're drinking with a savage.
And that is what you call
a French toast.
You are so sophisticated,
Mr. O'Bannon.
Whoo!
Who's up for some more bubbly?
Reach for the sky, Roy.
Say that again.
Reach for the sky, Roy.
Chon Wang!
You sly son of a gun!
-Look at you!
-Look at you!
-What brings you to New York?
-My share of the gold.
Refresh my memory.
What gold?
The emperor's gold.
Okay, now, that gold is in
what the Wall Street pros call
a long-term investment.
We can't touch it
because it's building.
l need it tonight.
You just got here.
Let's celebrate.
No. l don't have time.
-You just got to the big city.
-My father's been killed.
Chon, l'm...
You need the money to get back
for the funeral?
No. l must go to England.
The ship leaves tonight.
Your father died in England?
China. My sister followed
the murderer to London.
Wait. Murderer.
l'm a little bit mixed up.
Let me see if l can get
the facts straight.
You have a sister? You never
told me you had a sister.
ls she pretty or does she look
like you? Be honest.
Roy, l need my money!
l don't like
that tone of voice.
You think after all we've been
through l'd stiff you?
l'm doing pretty well
for myself.
Yeah.
-l'm sorry, Roy.
-That's okay.
You're going through
a really tough time right now.
You got to be more trusting
of people, okay?
Look at me.
lt's Roy.
The couple at table 5
is ready to order.
Do you work here?
No, l don't work here.
lt looks like these guys
are wearing a similar jacket.
Roy, here's your cut
of the tips.
lt's the craziest thing.
l guess because
l come in here so much
they're mistaking me
for a waiter.
-lt's embarrassing.
-You lost the gold.
-Not all of it.
-Where's the rest?
l have one word for you.
Zeppelin.
l need my money now!
-Easy, easy.
Will you do anything
for this money?
Yes.
l must leave tonight.
Okay.
Take this key.
Go to the room.
Get cleaned up.
Your old pal Roy's got a plan.
Go! Come on!
Howdy, big boy.
What?
There's a woman in there!
She wants me to sleep with her.
Of course she does.
l told her the Great Wall
ain't the only big thing
coming out of China.
-Why did you say that?
-So you could get the money.
l will not sleep with women
for money!
Why?
l'm gonna sleep with her
for money.
Chon, just go in there
and do your business
and think about your sister
in England.
-What?
-Roy!
-Duty calls.
-Roy!
Good evening, Mr. Mayor.
Where are they?
Who?
My daughters.
Roy?
Roy, you got trouble.
Roy!
l got to check on something.
l'll be right back.
Chon, new plan.
We got to go.
-Chon, what are you doing?!
l'm fixing her back.
Put her down,
you decadent Philistine.
Hey, Chon, come on!
Let's go!
-Bye-bye.
-Bye.
Come on!
l don't understand.
What's going on?
l don't have time to explain.
All you have to know is there
are bad men after us...
but l'm in the right.
-Roy.
-You gotta trust me on this.
Okay, look.
l'm in a transitional phase
in my life.
-But...
-But what?
You want to know the truth?
l'm a little lost right now.
l see you.
You've got a sense of purpose.
But look at me.
l'm a 30-year-old waiter/gigolo.
Where's the future in that?
So what's the plan?
You were always
my compass, Chon.
The plan.
You ask me the right questions.
The plan?
The plan, l think,
is to find the right woman.
Raise a lot of children
and teach them values.
No, Roy.
The plan to get out of here.
Okay, the plan.
Here we go.
-Cops! Cops!
-They can help us.
No, no.
Chon, not these cops.
These are dirty cops.
They take advantage of people.
Now, if they stop us, remember,
l'm not Roy O'Bannon.
Who are you?
l'm your friend Smoky Desperado
from the West.
And who am l?
You. You're Benihana.
-Benihana.
-Yeah.
You teach crippled children yoga
here in the city.
-You go first.
-No! Why me?
Because you blend in, okay?
Now, go!
Don't let them see you!
Benihana.
Hey! Hey!
Chon!
Come on.
Stop wasting time.
You!
Chon, l found our ticket
out of here.
We're on our way.
Looks like old Roy
came through again.
Just like old times, Chon.
Check over there!
-Over to the alley!
-That way!
Yeah, just like old times.
Will you forget about the gold
for a second?
You're gonna have more money
than you ever dreamed of
when that first zeppelin
takes off.
Why do l always believe you?
What do you mean?
You're lucky l didn't invest
in that ridiculous
automobile idea.
Yeah, that's gonna make
a lot of money.
What's that?
Doghouse.
l'm in the doghouse.
Oh, come on, Chon.
Look, l'm sorry l lied.
l just didn't want to
disappoint you.
That's exactly what l mean.
l can't take that look.
l learned it from my father.
That's how he used to look
at me.
What did your dad do?
Was he an lmperial Guard?
No.
Much more important.
He was the keeper
of the lmperial Seal.
That's what l love
about China.
Everybody's job description
sounds so damn cool.
The seal has been symbol
of the emperor's power
since Genghis Khan.
lt has been passed down
from one emperor to another.
My family have been watching
over it for 12 generations.
My father and l used to
skip stones across the moat
and talk about a day
l would follow his footsteps.
l was his only son.
lf l'd have been there,
l could have protected him.
lt's not your fault.
You were 3,000 miles away.
What's with that little box?
My sister sent it to me
from my father.
-There's a message inside.
-What's it say?
lt's a puzzle box.
l don't know how to open yet.
What do you mean?
Get a hammer and smash it open
so you can see what it says.
l must have patience.
By the time
l'm able to open it...
l will be ready to read
the message.
Come on, Confucius.
That's the corniest thing
l've ever heard.
Let me see this.
You know what?
We're gonna go to England.
We're gonna find
your dad's killer.
We're gonna get
that seal back.
There's no reward
for this, Roy.
Who said anything
about a reward?
l'm talking about friendship,
loyalty, honor.
Okay?
Thank you, Roy.
And l hear England is ass soup.
A lot of pretty girls there.
First order of business,
my Lords...
is a report from our esteemed
friend Lord Rathbone...
who recently returned from
a diplomatic mission to China.
Fellow Lords...
l'm afraid l bring disturbing
news from the Orient.
The opium wars
have ravaged the land.
The emperor's enemies
are organizing.
The most vicious
are the Boxers.
A godless band of rebels
who murder without discretion.
China is not well.
l have brought back an envoy
who should give us some insight
into the inscrutable mind
of the Chinese.
ls he mad?
Given to Her Majesty
Queen Victoria by the emperor
in recognition of her
Outrageousness!
Long live the queen.
Jack the Ripper
strikes again!
Extra! Extra!
Read all about it.
Howdy, partner.
The English are not
very friendly.
They're just sore losers.
What did they lose?
A little thing called
the American Revolution, Chon.
Never heard of it.
l'll give you the highlights.
They came over
with about a million men.
We had a bunch of farmers
with pitchforks
and beat 'em like a drum.
Hey! l'm walking here!
You're driving on the wrong side
of the road!
Bunch of amateurs.
These people don't get it.
Hello, ladies.
Look at you.
What? l'm not supposed to
notice a pretty lady?
l thought you wanted to
settle down and have a family.
l do, Chon.
l just hope l can.
Why not?
Sometimes l worry that
all the damn horseback riding
l did out in the West,
bouncing up and down on the
hard saddles might have made it
so my salmon don't swim upstream
the way they're supposed to.
What?
l might be shooting blanks.
Oh.
Don't say anything.
Roy, it's okay.
Some people are not meant
to have a family.
l've always had such a special
connection with children.
The little ankle biters.
Hey, watch it,
you little punk!
Pardon me, guv.
You gents lost your way?
Yeah. We're looking
for my sister.
She's staying
at 32 Oxford Street.
l know it well, guv.
Me old man used to live there.
Can you show us the way?
Well, memory's
a little dodgy.
But l'm sure for a bob
l could get you there.
What do you take us for?
Okies from Muskogee?
Go sell your bullshit
someplace else.
We're not buying.
Thanks for the tip, guv.
Hey! l stole that watch
from my uncle!
What?
This way.
Come here,
you little rubbish eater!
What did l tell you about
poaching on our turf, Charlie?
l'm on the straight
and narrow. Honest.
What's this, then?
After l'm through
beating you...
you're gonna wish you never
ran away from the workhouse!
Leave the boy alone.
Bloody tourists!
Get your noses out of it!
Do whatever you want
to the kid...
but that's my watch.
Well, there's a load of us
and only two of you.
So piss off!
Easy, fellas.
You've lost one war this way.
Don't make
the same mistake twice.
Come on!
After him!
Hey!
There he is!
Get him!
We've got him now.
Move in, lads.
Boys, boys, wait, wait!
Come on! Get him!
Up the bloody ladder!
Hey! Hey!
Watch it!
Hey.
Come here, you!
Cool.
Move it!
You!
Did you see that?
lt's okay.
Okay?!
l call that one
my kung pao chicken.
l clotheslined the sucker.
Come on, get back!
Clear away!
Make way!
l think you gentlemen should
accompany me back to the yard.
This isn't a yard!
lt's a jail!
Roy, calm down.
Unbelievable.
Wait!
Someone's coming!
-Let me handle this.
-l'm gonna handle it.
The English aren't like you.
They don't get all emotional.
Touchy-feely.
Do me a favor.
Park the kung fu.
Let me do the talking.
Come here.
Let me give you a hug.
l've been after that
Fleet Street gang for two years.
Then you two come along
and bring them down
in a single afternoon.
Brilliant!
Now, um...
Oh, that's my watch!
Yes. A street urchin
turned it in.
The little punk better not
have scuffed it.
-l hope your luck picks up.
-What do you mean?
l deduced from your watch
that you'd hit a rough patch.
He has.
How do you know?
lt's an investigative technique
l've developed.
l can deduce intimate details
about an individual
through a close scrutiny
of their personal effects.
What else can you tell?
The owner of this watch
is a bad gambler
and a lousy shot.
Although he's cheated death
several times...
he spends most of his life
wandering in a rather pathetic
and futile search
for purpose and respect.
Oh, yes.
He has a penchant
for loose women.
Wow. That's amazing.
l'm sure it's a very popular
party trick
at birthdays
for small children...
but it doesn't quite play
with adults.
Just to set
the record straight.
Roy O'Bannon is not attracted
to loose women.
Loose women
are attracted to me.
-You're Roy O'Bannon?
-Yeah.
The famous Western folk hero?
Have you heard of me?
Have l heard of you?
l've only read "Roy O'Bannon
vs. The Mummy" five times.
lt's fascinating.
l want you to meet
the Shanghai Kid.
Oh, yes.
The faithful Chinese sidekick.
l'm not a sidekick.
Those stories are all lies.
Come on, don't be bitter.
l can't help what
Sage McCallister writes.
lf there's anything l can do,
l'm at your service.
We're looking for my sister.
She's staying at this address.
Can you take us there?
Oh, dear.
l think you'd better come
with me.
Lin.
Wang.
lf you don't mind,
l'll just wait outside.
lntroduce me.
Oh. This is Lin,
my baby sister.
Roy O'Bannon.
Pleasure.
You never told me your sister
was such a...
beautiful lotus blossom.
What'd she say?
No, no, no.
No talking about me
in your native tongue.
Why are you in jail?
l followed the man
who murdered Father.
And?
l found out where he live.
l snuck inside his house
and tried to kill him.
lt's my duty to find
Father's killer.
No, it is mine!
l'm the one who promised Father.
But l'm his only son.
When you abandoned us
for America...
Father said he had no son.
What?
Whoa. Time out.
Time out. Come here.
The detective's a fan.
Why don't l play
the celebrity card?
We'll get her out that way.
-Okay?
-Okay.
Don't worry.
l'll get you out.
Everything's gonna be okay.
ln fact, l'm gonna give you
my good-luck playing cards.
Just ignore the naked ladies.
Wang!
Have you opened Father's box?
Not yet.
She tried to assassinate
Lord Rathbone
whilst he was taking
afternoon tea.
He's 10th in line
to the throne...
Her Majesty's
favorite cousin...
and the finest swordsman
in England.
So, of course,
the press had a field day.
The story actually knocked Jack
the Ripper off the front page.
Artie, Lin is not a killer.
She's just a really,
really, really hot...
confused Chinese girl.
Maybe if l agreed to sign
a few autographs
and talk to some of my fans
here in England...
do some type of charity event,
can we get her out that way?
l'm afraid
that's out of the question.
What will happen
to my sister?
She'll go to trial,
probably be locked away
in an institution
for the criminally insane.
The tabloids have already
dubbed her "Loony Lin."
l thought it was rather catchy.
At the time.
Do you have any notion
what would happen
if we were to be seen
together?
Since your return, l have yet to
lay eyes on the lmperial Seal.
l'm hosting a jubilee ball
at my country estate tomorrow.
Be at the stables
at midnight.
As requested,
a token of my esteem.
This is where you get out.
l hope there will be
more trust between us
when l'm emperor
and you are the new king.
Wow. Buckingham Palace.
Look at that, Chon.
That's where the queen lives.
Hey, look at this guy.
He's a royal guard.
He has a very important job.
l used to be just like him.
No, they're nothing like you.
They're a tourist attraction.
You can make faces at them,
insult them...
and they can't move a muscle.
-Here. Watch this.
-Roy...
No, it's okay.
Hey, buddy,
your shoes are untied.
That is the biggest damn beaver
l have ever seen.
Roy, stop it.
The queen!
Look! The queen!
She's mooning us!
He almost went for that.
My friend and l just came over
from America.
You might have heard of it.
We run your jerkwater country.
Come on, you gonna take that
from a colonial?
Roy, stop it.
l bet you are one hell
of a damn poker player.
No hard feelings.
They can't do that!
You're not allowed to do that!
Shouldn't have touched him.
You scram, you little punk.
l've got friends
at Scotland Yard.
l'll give you up
in a heartbeat.
You get your watch back?
Don't worry about my watch.
Go on.
lt's a knockoff.
What are you talking about?
My uncle stole this watch
from President Lincoln.
lt's a priceless
family heirloom.
Not according
to the pawnbroker.
You should not steal.
lf l don't steal,
l don't eat.
Who showed you how to do
all that kicking and punching?
My father.
Have you ever heard of those?
They're parents.
You don't 'cause you're
a little orphan.
Now, go on.
You're cramping our style.
Oh, this country blows.
You need a place to stay?
Come on in
and warm your dogs.
You can
get into a lot of trouble
breaking into
a place like this.
That being said, well done.
You just ate
the last chocolate.
Course l did.
You gotta look out
for number one.
l could really
get used to this.
Living the life
of a country gentleman.
Maybe doing
a little painting.
Let Lin play in the garden
with the children.
Vera, Chuck, and Dave.
Who's Lin?
Lin's the most beautiful woman
l've ever met.
She's gonna be the savior
of the house of O'Bannon.
Chon, check out the threads.
All l'm missing is the
loyal hound curled at my feet.
We are wasting time.
We must find Rathbone.
What do you think
l've been doing?
Sitting here drinking
expensive hooch?
Refill.
l've been working on a plan.
Now -- Whoa.
Don't slosh the brandy.
-lt messes with the bouquet.
-Sod off.
l'm trying to teach you
a skill set.
Help get you off the street.
-Bartenders make big bucks.
-Roy!
The plan.
Thank you, Chon.
lf we find the seal...
we can prove Rathbone
killed your dad.
lt's the old Hail Mary play.
l also have a version
where we dig a tunnel.
Hey!
Bloody catapult.
Jesus Christ!
-You don't need a catapult!
-Who asked you?
You don't interrupt grown-ups
when they're talking.
"Lord Nelson Rathbone requests
the pleasure of your company
at the jubilee ball
in honor of Her Majesty's
Sounds good.
lt doesn't address security.
They're not gonna let
Chon and l
waltz into the castle.
All you need is
a proper disguise.
l do like a good disguise.
l look like a fool.
What?! You're a maharaja.
That's lndian royalty.
-But l'm Chinese.
-lt's the same thing.
Bob your head a little bit.
Gives you more
of a lndia-royalty flavor.
That's good.
Good show, good show.
Good show, good show.
-Cheerio, cheerio.
-Cheerio, cheerio.
What do we do
when we see Rathbone?
Kill him.
No, okay? No!
You're gonna be civil,
'cause we don't have the seal.
No seal. No Lin.
No family honor. Okay?
Be cool.
Okay, we look great.
Let's enjoy this party.
-Whoa. What are you doing?
-l'm going inside.
-The place is haunted.
-You're the harness man.
You get back at the carriage.
You wait in case we need
to make a quick getaway.
Go on.
Man your post.
You don't always get
what you want.
Why are you so mean
to that boy?
l see a lot of myself
in that kid.
lt's kind of freaking me out.
Come on.
Your name, please, sir.
So l can announce you.
Sherlock... Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes.
Which province do you represent,
Your Highness?
Nevada.
May l present
Major General Sherlock Holmes
and His Highness,
the maharaja of Nevada.
How are the security
arrangements?
Oh, everything seems to be
going swimmingly, my Lord.
And if l may say so...
it is an honor to guard
Your Lordship tonight.
l speak for all of us
at Scotland Yard
when l say that no matter how
far you are from the throne...
you'll always be number one
in our hearts.
Okay, here's the plan.
We're gonna get
a little chow.
Then we're gonna
sneak out of here.
-Start looking for that seal.
-Okay.
-Spotted Dick, sir?
-What?
Spotted Dick.
Can you believe this guy?
l'm trying to get
something to eat.
He's asking me
if l got the clap.
l think
he's offering you food.
Oh. Spotted Dick.
Oh, no.
l think l'll pass.
l'm not really
a dessert man.
Perhaps my friend might like
some Spotted Dick.
l might try
one of these sausages.
A little smoky Joe.
This is good!
l thought the food here
was supposed to suck.
The haggis is fresh
from Scotland, sir.
lt's made from
the finest sheeps' bladders.
l'm gonna get some whiskey
and wash my mouth out.
You should try the quail.
l shot them myself
this morning.
How do you do, Your Lordship?
Very well, thank you.
l'm not acquainted
with the Nevada province.
But l haven't been to lndia
since '81.
l spent most of my time
in the Orient.
l hear you've just returned
from China.
You are well-informed,
maharaja.
lt is my dream
that the Chinese people
will follow lndia's example and
one day embrace British rule.
The Chinese are very proud.
They place family and honor
above all else.
Well, l'm sure
we can break them of that.
lf you'll excuse me,
l have a matter to attend to.
Until we meet again.
Patience.
l'm proud of you, Chon.
We must find the seal.
What do you see?
Shh, shh, shh!
He just pulled a fancy
dragon key out of his desk.
That was my father's!
l must avenge his honor.
Hey, slow down, tiger.
Slow down.
Quit going all Chinese on me.
Where is he?
Damn it. Remember
your puzzle box. Patience.
Okay, there are no windows.
We just came in
through the only doorway.
That leaves one explanation.
Remember in "Roy O'Bannon
vs. The Mummy"
how the zombie king got away
when l chased him
into the pharaoh's tomb?
There's a secret passageway
behind the sphinx.
There's gotta be a lever
or a button over here.
Help me lift some stuff up.
Roy!
The painting.
lt's looking at me.
-Look!
-Oh, yeah.
Looks like it's looking at me.
That's great.
No, real eyes.
Moving!
That kid got to you,
didn't he?
Unbelievable!
We're not in a haunted house.
That's a technique
that an artist uses.
"Ubiquitous gaze" or "pursuant
eyes" is the technical term.
lt's unnerving, though.
l'll give you that.
Roy.
Now, those eyes. Look!
Whatever you say, Chon.
Let's see what you got here,
Rathbone.
Roy!
What, Chon?
Are the statues moving now?
Roy!
l can't hear myself think
with you shouting at me.
Chon?
Chon? Chon?
This is ridiculous.
lf you want to act
like a child and play games...
then find someone else...
'cause l take
this stuff seriously.
l'm here to work.
l'm on a mission.
Chon?
Okay, Chon.
Okay, you little
Chinese otter.
Let's play.
Chon, demons!
She's gonna fight
my battles for me.
Come on.
Let's go.
What? What are you doing?
lt's kinky.
l like it.
Wow! Look at this.
Wait. There's something
different about this room.
Hey.
Let's go!
-Wang!
-Chon, for God's sakes.
-Now he shows up.
-l found it.
Wait. Do you want to hear?
The seal's gone.
Lin.
Roy!
Are we gonna come back?
Roy!
Must you keep doing that?
l was taught
not to be seen or heard.
The seal.
l am a man of my word.
l remember watching
my brother play with this
like a baby rattle.
When l'd try to touch it,
the dowager empress beat me.
No doubt
your deprived childhood
made you into the man
you are today.
Wu Chow.
Wu who?
He is the emperor's
bastard brother.
He was banished
from the Forbidden City
for trying to steal
the lmperial Seal.
Our father caught him.
He vowed to return to claim
the emperor's throne.
This guy?
l'll assume everything
has been arranged as discussed.
You have nothing to worry about.
lt's all in place.
That diamond is as big
as a damn monkey's paw.
-Look at that.
-Roy.
Don't even think about it.
l'm just admiring
the craftsmanship, Chon.
So for now,
our business is completed.
Where's Lin?!
Hey! Hey!
Gotcha!
Just looking out
for number one.
No!
The kid got the seal!
Chon!
lt's stuck.
Lin!
Go! You can do it!
She's got it.
She's got it!
Roy! Come on!
Chon, what in our history
together
makes you think l'm capable
of something like that?
-Roy!
-l can't do that!
Hurry up!
Wait.
There's a better way.
Slow down!
l'm a bat out of hell!
Yee-haw!
Besides, l don't know
where the brake is.
What?!
Look out!
So, what now, buddy?
Relax, relax.
Smooth sailing from here.
Yes, these are the men
who attacked me.
l'm afraid the assailants have
temporarily eluded us, my Lord.
Perhaps you could explain
to me
how Loony Lin
managed to escape
from the confines of
Scotland Yard under the watch
of the most respected
police force in the world.
Yes, of course.
lt's absolutely fascinating.
She picked the lock
using a deck of rather
risque playing cards.
Then scaled the walls
with a mop, a fork...
and various pilfered
undergarments.
You've got to hand it
to the Chinese.
They're awfully ingenious,
Lord, aren't they?
Does your incompetence know
no bounds?!
Where am l?
Lin!
l don't even know these women.
Lin, what are you doing here?
Oh, Lord.
Do you want to try
the position on page 3 7?
Come here, you little minx.
What?
-You okay?
-No, l'm not okay.
l've just been violated
by a barnyard animal.
Who would leave a pile of stones
in the middle of the field?
l don't know, Chon.
These people are nuts.
Come on.
-Can l tell you something?
-What?
This is a hell
of a damn adventure we're on.
l'm having
an absolute ball with you.
Me too.
Here we go.
Get your thumb out, maharaja.
-Why?
-Get over here.
Excuse me!
-Lin!
-Lin!
My shoulder's getting
a little tight.
This is your first time
in England, isn't it?
How do you know your way around?
lt's incredible.
l always had a good sense
of direction.
You can say that again.
l wish we could say the same
about you-know-who.
l once sent him over
a mountain range.
He was lost forever.
One time, l sent him
over the Great Wall.
-He was lost for three days.
-Three days?!
Oh, gosh, we got a lot
in common.
l've never met
anybody like you, Roy.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Hey, can l tell you something
without you getting offended?
What?
You have a great body.
There. l said it.
lt's out in the open.
-You must work out.
-Me?
Excuse me.
Chon, what are you doing?
l don't like the backseat.
Makes me sick. Dizzy.
Whitechapel.
This looks like
a nice enough neighborhood.
-What is Puss 'n' Boots?
-lt's a boardinghouse.
Some of the sailors on the ship
coming over recommended it.
Come on. Come on!
l won't let my sister
stay here.
What are we supposed to do?
Check in to the Savoy?
We'll get arrested
before we get to our room.
l don't mind this place.
See?
She's a little open-minded.
l know this sounds crazy
'cause l just met her...
but l think l'm falling for her.
l think she's the one.
Roy, she's my baby sister.
l know she is.
Thank God!
That's the only chance
l've got.
l'm getting ready
to launch a little thing
called
"Operation Sweep Her Off Her Feet."
You're in a position
to talk me up.
Can l count on you?
Please, buddy, l've never
asked you for anything.
Sure, Roy.
l'll tell her the truth.
Don't get hung up on the truth.
Feel free to smooth out
your old pal's rough edges.
l love you, buddy.
Lin. Come.
Sit.
Hello, love.
Fancy a tumble?
Oh!
Where were you two days ago?
l would have bedded you
in a second.
Now you're looking
at a changed man.
l'm sort of saving myself
for someone special.
l'll give you a discount.
That's the most romantic thing
any woman's ever said to me.
You better go.
You better go
before we lose control. Go!
lf you change your mind...
Roy!
Our father would talk about
the right man for you.
He must be strong,
courageous...
and a good father.
-Like Roy.
-We got her, Chon.
Not like Roy.
You don't know him like l do.
He has many bad habits.
Such as?
He drinks, smokes,
and he gambles.
Chon, where are you
going with this?
He sleeps with women for money.
What are you --
Roy don't do that.
l can see inside him.
He has a good heart.
That's right.
His salmon don't swim
upstream.
He shoots blanks.
Lin, he cannot be trusted.
How could you say that?
You're his friend.
Yeah, sort of.
Roy is the type of a friend
you'd never introduce
to your other friends
or bring home to your family.
He never speak the truth.
You know what l call him?
Not Roy O'Bannon.
Roy O'Baloney.
l don't care.
Lin, l forbid it.
You are not my father.
Roy, there you are.
-Hi.
-Mm-hmm.
You need anything, buddy?
A whole lot of
"leave me alone."
What's wrong?
Nothing.
l woke up
on the wrong side of the bed.
l feel a little pain in my back
like someone put a knife there.
l'm okay.
Don't worry about me.
Roy!
That actually reminds me
of a trick.
You ever seen this one?!
Or this one?!
You think you're so cool
with your karate
and your childlike reflexes.
Roy, you okay?
Look at you.
Do you really call me
Roy Baloney?
Roy, you don't understand.
You just smashed
my puzzle box.
l'll never figure out
my message.
-Roy...
-Go.
You're dead to me.
l don't know a Chon Wang.
What?
Hi, Roy.
Who loves you, baby?
-Nice try, Chon.
-Roy...
l'm sorry.
You do that again,
and you're a dead man.
Pillow fight!
l am Roy Baloney!
Yes!
l'm full of it!
You are!
Roy?
-Roy?
Lin!
lt was his idea.
-Chon!
-Clothes!
Nice night for a walk.
Lin!
-Lin!
-There you are!
What are you doing?
Don't you know there's
a serial killer on the loose?
Forget it.
Who the hell are these guys?
Boxers.
What do they want with us?
They're with me.
l think we need to have
a little chat.
Chon Wang --
the man who can fight
an emperor.
The emperor should never have
his burial knife.
l see.
You're still
my brother's lapdog.
l'm here not for him.
l'm here for my father.
Of course you are.
lt was my dagger
that plunged into his heart.
lt's still crusted
with his blood.
l know the boy has the seal.
Where is he?
We don't know.
That's the truth --
we don't know.
Mmm...
What are you --
What are you doing?
Stop! Put her down!
Put her down!
Put her down!
Or what, Mr. O'Bannon?
Are you gonna kick my ass?
l've read all about
your ridiculous exploits.
l mean, just...
how does it feel to kill
a mummy with your bare hands?
Only a nation
of uneducated rednecks
would be amused
by such cowboy drivel.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy.
What's with
the personal attacks?
You don't see me
making any comments
about your pasty complexion
or your snotty accent
or even your filthy,
smutty sex books.
Yeah, l saw your book.
lt disgusted me.
Oh, why is it always the head
with you people?!
Hold it! Stop! Hold it!
Just hold it!
What are we doing here?
Guys, look at this.
We're acting like animals...
over what?
Some seal?
The seal represents
imperial power.
l will use it to unite
the emperor's enemies
and storm the Forbidden City.
What's in it for you?
You're looking
at the future king of England.
You're, like, 20th in line
to the throne.
But my friend
is about to change all that
by simple...
process of elimination.
lt's called a machine gun.
The first of its kind --
it fires 200 rounds a minute.
Testament to British ingenuity.
Oh, so you steal the seal,
and then you knock off
nine royals?
You got the short end
of that stick, my friend.
Dump them in the river.
Where are you taking her?
To make history.
l can already see
the headlines --
"Nation mourns as Loony Lin
massacres royal family."
l need your assurance
that you will find the seal.
Don't concern yourself.
My men are scouring the city.
You better pray they find it...
or our agreement is over,
and you will never get
the crown.
Chon, l got a confession
to make.
You are in love
with my sister.
Well, that, but...
l didn't lose all the money
on the zeppelins.
No?
Nah. l blew most of it
on the Roy O'Bannon novels.
l wrote them.
No, Sage McCallister
wrote them.
That's what l'm saying, buddy.
l'm Sage McCallister.
You wrote those lies?!
l've always had
low self-esteem.
How many books did you print?
l self-published
probably a million copies.
We were actually second
to the Bible that year.
Oh, you --
l guess l'm just about
the worst friend
a guy could ask for.
No, you're a good friend.
Thank you.
lf you really love Lin,
l won't stand in the way.
Really?
But if you break her heart...
l'll break your legs.
That's fair.
Well,
friends to the end, Chon...
and this is the end.
Chon, you got a plan?
You wouldn't happen to have
a plan, would you?
Yes.
-Anything l can do?
-No.
Good. l'll let you do
the heavy lifting, then.
Chon, hurry.
Chon!
Chon! Chon, hurry!
Hurry!
Hurry! Chon, hurry!
Roy!
Coming!
Chon!
The water's so dirty!
No! No! lt's dirty! No!
Just go ahead and drown me.
l don't care anymore.
Roy!
You look ridiculous.
l think we look good.
l really must protest
this intrusion.
Every bobby in London is out
scouring the streets
for you two.
Have you been drinking?
l always drink when my
employment's been terminated.
They fired you?
Lord Rathbone saw to that.
l'm sorry.
lt's of no consequence.
l never wanted to be
an inspector in the first place.
lt was my father's idea.
l always wanted to be
a writer.
Yeah.
Artie, we need your help.
Rathbone has taken Lin.
He's gonna kill
the royal family
and he's gonna assume
the throne.
Do you have any evidence
to support these
preposterous allegations?
We have this.
lt's the boy's.
Use your technique.
Tell us where he is.
Paraffin wax --
most interesting.
He's at a church.
The little punk's hiding
in a church.
No, no, no.
lt's not candle wax.
l have it.
-Don't worry. You'll get it.
-What are you doing?
-He's picking the lock.
-Well, hurry up!
Chon, please! Please.
lt's a very meticulous process.
Let Artie do his job.
lt's almost an art form.
lt takes the precision
of a surgeon.
You have to be so precise.
Maybe if we jam
another one in there.
That works, too.
Lacks a certain finesse.
All right, all right.
Let's split up.
What the...
l am gonna break your neck.
Come here.
Looky here.
-Come on, where is it?
-What?
You know
what l'm talking about.
Don't give me that "what."
What do we got here?
Oh, yes.
You don't mind
if l take this back, do you?
Go on.
Get out of here.
Go!
Roy?
l got it.
Give me the seal.
Give me the seal!
All right, spread out!
Through there!
Let's go.
The gig's up.
So, what are we gonna do?
Come on, think!
l'm not going
to an English prison.
With my feathery blond hair
and Chon's athletic build,
they'll try to make us
the belle of the ball.
Forget it.
l'm not going back.
Well, at least we'll get
a good view of the fireworks
from Scotland Yard.
-Fireworks?
-Yeah.
At midnight, they're launching
this huge display
from a flotilla of barges
on the Thames.
lt's the official kickoff
to the Queen's Jubilee.
ls the royal family
gonna be there?
They're gonna be viewing
the spectacle from a balcony
overlooking the river.
He's got a machine gun
on the barge.
Yes.
You gents lost your way?
Kid, tell me
you got a way out.
Nice move, kid.
So why did you come back?
Why did you give up the seal?
'Cause l'm a fool.
Guess l'm a fool, too.
Well, put her there, fool.
l never got your name.
Name's Chaplin...
Charlie Chaplin.
-Excuse me.
-Excuse me.
Excuse me, please!
-Excuse me.
-Excuse me.
You warn the royal family.
l'll save Lin.
How on earth are you gonna
do that?
You okay?
l just saved you!
You were late!
What?!
Nelson?
Why are you hiding yourself
back there?
l shouldn't like to impede
your view, Your Highness.
Nonsense.
You arranged all this.
You should have
a front-row view.
l regret that, uh,
respectfully l must decline.
l need to keep a good eye
on proceedings.
Nelson,
you've outdone yourself.
Wait till you see the finale.
Hey!
Hey!
This is hopeless.
We're not gonna get past
the guards.
Well, not with that attitude
we won't.
Come on, Artie.
There's got to be a way.
There's always --
Lin!
Yee-haw! Yeah!
Yee-haw!
Yee-haw!
We got to jump it!
Wu Chow!
Hold it right there,
Rathboner.
l'm guessing
by your hasty retreat
that you're still
lnspector Doyle,
arrest this man.
He's got a gun!
Come on!
-Oh!
-You okay?
What happened?
Rathbone nailed Artie
with a little sissy gun.
l'll look after him.
You two go.
Go!
For Father.
For Father.
For Old Man Wang.
Oh, my lucky playing cards.
Be careful.
Tell Rathbone to be careful.
Roy, let's go.
You're gonna need
a bigger gun!
You see him?
No.
Show your face, Rathbone!
l'm gonna tear this guy apart.
Roy, you go this way.
l'll go that way.
Split up? l don't know
if that's a good idea.
lt's okay.
He's not up here.
Roy, keep going.
Aw, come on, Roy.
Hey, uh, Rathbone...
l was just thinking
of a title for my new book...
"Roy O'Bannon
vs. Little Lord Sissy."
But what about "Roy O'Bannon vs.
The Man Who Would Be Queen"?
No sign of him, Chon.
The coast is clear up here.
Roy! Look out!
Roy!
Oops.
Come on up.
l'll show you
how your father died.
Lord, help me.
Just let me know you're there.
Love me. Hate me.
But let me know
you're up there!
Hey, l can see our hotel
from here.
Come along.
l'm waiting.
Come on, Roy. Okay.
Roy O'Bannon
will not go quietly.
You hear that, England?!
Throw whatever
you want at me --
your terrible weather,
your perverted killers,
your Spotted Dick!
Roy, you're about to die.
You're on the minute hand
of a clock.
My life is flashing
before my eyes.
Wait a minute.
l don't remember her.
One more.
One more.
How disappointing.
One more.
You killed my friend.
You killed my father!
Roy!
l thought you were dead!
Oh!
You think
some tea-drinking psycho
can take out Roy O'Bannon?
Easy there, cowboy.
You got any ideas?
-We jump!
-Jump?!
You mean fall?!
Aim for the flag!
Aw, shit.
l got to tell you something.
What?
You're the best sidekick
l could ever ask for.
Thank you, Roy.
l feel the same about you.
On three.
One...
Two...
-Three!
-Three!
Roy. Roy!
Howdy.
ln recognition
of outstanding bravery,
l dub you Sir Chon Wang.
For uncommon valor,
l dub you Sir Roy O'Bannon.
And for steadfast dedication
to justice,
l dub you
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
Arise.
Who loves you, baby?
Madam.
Artie, l bet Scotland Yard's
dying to get you back now.
My official
crime-fighting days are over.
The queen has asked me
to accompany the lmperial Seal
back to China.
What a week.
Unbelievable.
She couldn't have picked
a better man, right, Chon?
Yeah.
And the voyage is gonna give me
time to work on my new novel.
lt features a new kind
of detective,
and he's gonna solve crimes
using deductive reasoning.
Give me a name.
What's his name?
Actually, Roy,
l was rather hoping
to call him Sherlock Holmes,
if that's all right with you.
l'd be insulted
if you didn't use it.
-Ta.
-See you, Artie.
That was very nice
of you, Roy.
l would've kept the name
if l thought it was any good.
lt's a horrible name
for a detective --
Sherlock Holmes. Holmes?
Will you stop playing with that?
l'm gonna smash it.
l just want to see it
for a second.
-Just let me see it.
-No, you're gonna break it.
lt's just a rock
with some gibberish on it.
That's Chinese.
"Family is forever, my son.
l'm proud
you cast your own stone."
That's a good message.
l'd like to cast
my own stone, Chon.
-Hi.
-Hi.
l told you -- the house
of O'Bannon will prevail.
Chon, l got a business
proposition for you.
No more zeppelins.
No, no, this is much better
than zeppelins --
a new thing they're starting
out in California
called moving pictures.
Pass.
Hold it. Hold it.
Hear me out.
l really think these movies
could play to your strength.
There's no sound,
so we don't have to worry
about the language problem.
And l think the kung fu stuff
could be huge.
People are dying
for a good action picture.
What do you think?
Chon Wang, movie star?
lt could work.
l feel bad about ditching
that Chaplin kid,
but we're gonna be running
and gunning in Hollywood,
and he'd just cramp our style.
lt's such a tough town.
Bloody tourists!
Action!
You have to say "cut."
You just keep looking!
Come here, you little minx.
Cut.
That was good.
That was a good one, huh?
Maybe on this one
l should lick you...you think?
Like, after you lick me --
that could be kind of good.
And, Jackie...
Jackie?
Thank you. Hi, Owen.
Hello. How are you?
Okay, and l'm not
Roy O'Bannon.
Who are you?
Damn it, Chon,
l think she's the one.
l know it's crazy.
We just met, but she's the one.
No, Roy,
she's my babysitter.
Your babys--
What?
Baby what?
Baby sister.
Baby sister?
Not babysitter.
Baby sister.
You okay?
Action!
What happened?
Roy is the type of a friend
you never introduce
to your other friends
or bring into your family.
He's -- Look at his eyes.
They're brown -- full of shit.
Always...
Just bullshit all the time.
Yeah, have you ever heard
of those?
They're parents.
We have parents that love us.
You don't,
'cause you're a little orphan.
You don't --
We've got par-- Yeah, parents.
Have you ever heard of those?
We've got parents that love us.
But you don't,
'cause you're a little orphan.
Oh, go on.
So mean.
Chon Wang, movie star?
lt could work.
lt could work.
You could do your own stunts.
What? My own stunts?
Whoa! Whoa!
Stay here and be a good horsey
for the new sheriff.
That hurt.
You're supposed to catch me!
Roy, catch.
-Jesus.
-That's my fault.
Wait a second.
This nut is killing
your street women?
Who did that?
Jackie Chan.
Me?
That's right.
-That was the...
-First time.
-The best take.
-l'm sorry.
Hurry up!
Are you crazy?!
l can't do that!
This isn't Chinatown!
l can't sail through the air!
-l'm not gonna break my neck!
-Roy!
What in our history together
makes you think l'm capable
of something like that?
lt's getting bigger!
There's got to be
a better way.
Roy!
Roy!
Not one step further.
The keeper
of the lmperial Seal.
Just the man l was looking for.
A woman.
You Chinese are
very progressive.
A gift from an old friend.
Wu Chow.
He wanted me to send
his regards.
Father!
Father.
The seal.
You must get it back.
l promise.
Give this... to your brother.
What are you reading?
Oh.
"Roy O'Bannon vs. The Mummy."
lt's incredible.
Roy's just taken out
the Mummy's entire army
of zombie confederate soldiers,
and he only had one bullet.
That's impossible.
Oh, no, it's not.
Roy figured out
the physics of the canyon
and then ricocheted a bullet
off the canyon wall.
Nailed each zombie
through the heart.
What about the Shanghai Kid?
He was captured
and knocked out on page 10
while he was polishing
Roy's pearl handles.
Don't you worry.
Roy's about to save him from
becoming a human sacrifice.
Those stories are all lies.
No. See?
lt says right here
on the back.
"Author Sage McCallister bases
all his stories
on firsthand accounts."
Sorry, sheriff.
No princess.
Every day you meet
the noon stage.
Every day it's the same story.
She's not coming back.
Pei Pei's married to her work
in San Francisco.
Modern woman.
Sheriff, you got a parcel.
Hey, maybe it's from her!
No. lt's from my sister
in China.
l know.
l know.
l must go.
Stay here and be a good horsey
for the new sheriff.
Uh, sheriff,
that stage is headed east.
lsn't China kind of west
of here?
l'm not going to China.
l'm going to New York.
Roy invested my money.
ls it true that he lives in a
penthouse at the top of the Ritz
surrounded by dozens
of beautiful women
at his every beck and call?
That's the old Roy.
He's married, settled down.
Trust me, he's changed.
So there we were.
Completely outnumbered.
He didn't have to tell me
we didn't stand a chance.
So l send the Shanghai Kid
and the princess out the back.
Poor Shanghai Kid.
He was so frightened.
He forgot to thank me
for saving his life.
l'm used to that.
Now, l returned to the front,
and l counted to three...
and l burst out of the mission.
Pearl handles blazing.
Lead flying everywhere.
And not a single bullet
touched me.
-No!
-Yeah.
What happened
to the emperor's gold?
Well, we divided it up.
l insisted on giving my share
to the lndians.
The savages?
Please don't ever call
those noble people savages.
lf being proud of your body
and wanting to ride around naked
all day makes you a savage,
then, by God,
you're drinking with a savage.
And that is what you call
a French toast.
You are so sophisticated,
Mr. O'Bannon.
Whoo!
Who's up for some more bubbly?
Reach for the sky, Roy.
Say that again.
Reach for the sky, Roy.
Chon Wang!
You sly son of a gun!
-Look at you!
-Look at you!
-What brings you to New York?
-My share of the gold.
Refresh my memory.
What gold?
The emperor's gold.
Okay, now, that gold is in
what the Wall Street pros call
a long-term investment.
We can't touch it
because it's building.
l need it tonight.
You just got here.
Let's celebrate.
No. l don't have time.
-You just got to the big city.
-My father's been killed.
Chon, l'm...
You need the money to get back
for the funeral?
No. l must go to England.
The ship leaves tonight.
Your father died in England?
China. My sister followed
the murderer to London.
Wait. Murderer.
l'm a little bit mixed up.
Let me see if l can get
the facts straight.
You have a sister? You never
told me you had a sister.
ls she pretty or does she look
like you? Be honest.
Roy, l need my money!
l don't like
that tone of voice.
You think after all we've been
through l'd stiff you?
l'm doing pretty well
for myself.
Yeah.
-l'm sorry, Roy.
-That's okay.
You're going through
a really tough time right now.
You got to be more trusting
of people, okay?
Look at me.
lt's Roy.
The couple at table 5
is ready to order.
Do you work here?
No, l don't work here.
lt looks like these guys
are wearing a similar jacket.
Roy, here's your cut
of the tips.
lt's the craziest thing.
l guess because
l come in here so much
they're mistaking me
for a waiter.
-lt's embarrassing.
-You lost the gold.
-Not all of it.
-Where's the rest?
l have one word for you.
Zeppelin.
l need my money now!
-Easy, easy.
Will you do anything
for this money?
Yes.
l must leave tonight.
Okay.
Take this key.
Go to the room.
Get cleaned up.
Your old pal Roy's got a plan.
Go! Come on!
Howdy, big boy.
What?
There's a woman in there!
She wants me to sleep with her.
Of course she does.
l told her the Great Wall
ain't the only big thing
coming out of China.
-Why did you say that?
-So you could get the money.
l will not sleep with women
for money!
Why?
l'm gonna sleep with her
for money.
Chon, just go in there
and do your business
and think about your sister
in England.
-What?
-Roy!
-Duty calls.
-Roy!
Good evening, Mr. Mayor.
Where are they?
Who?
My daughters.
Roy?
Roy, you got trouble.
Roy!
l got to check on something.
l'll be right back.
Chon, new plan.
We got to go.
-Chon, what are you doing?!
l'm fixing her back.
Put her down,
you decadent Philistine.
Hey, Chon, come on!
Let's go!
-Bye-bye.
-Bye.
Come on!
l don't understand.
What's going on?
l don't have time to explain.
All you have to know is there
are bad men after us...
but l'm in the right.
-Roy.
-You gotta trust me on this.
Okay, look.
l'm in a transitional phase
in my life.
-But...
-But what?
You want to know the truth?
l'm a little lost right now.
l see you.
You've got a sense of purpose.
But look at me.
l'm a 30-year-old waiter/gigolo.
Where's the future in that?
So what's the plan?
You were always
my compass, Chon.
The plan.
You ask me the right questions.
The plan?
The plan, l think,
is to find the right woman.
Raise a lot of children
and teach them values.
No, Roy.
The plan to get out of here.
Okay, the plan.
Here we go.
-Cops! Cops!
-They can help us.
No, no.
Chon, not these cops.
These are dirty cops.
They take advantage of people.
Now, if they stop us, remember,
l'm not Roy O'Bannon.
Who are you?
l'm your friend Smoky Desperado
from the West.
And who am l?
You. You're Benihana.
-Benihana.
-Yeah.
You teach crippled children yoga
here in the city.
-You go first.
-No! Why me?
Because you blend in, okay?
Now, go!
Don't let them see you!
Benihana.
Hey! Hey!
Chon!
Come on.
Stop wasting time.
You!
Chon, l found our ticket
out of here.
We're on our way.
Looks like old Roy
came through again.
Just like old times, Chon.
Check over there!
-Over to the alley!
-That way!
Yeah, just like old times.
Will you forget about the gold
for a second?
You're gonna have more money
than you ever dreamed of
when that first zeppelin
takes off.
Why do l always believe you?
What do you mean?
You're lucky l didn't invest
in that ridiculous
automobile idea.
Yeah, that's gonna make
a lot of money.
What's that?
Doghouse.
l'm in the doghouse.
Oh, come on, Chon.
Look, l'm sorry l lied.
l just didn't want to
disappoint you.
That's exactly what l mean.
l can't take that look.
l learned it from my father.
That's how he used to look
at me.
What did your dad do?
Was he an lmperial Guard?
No.
Much more important.
He was the keeper
of the lmperial Seal.
That's what l love
about China.
Everybody's job description
sounds so damn cool.
The seal has been symbol
of the emperor's power
since Genghis Khan.
lt has been passed down
from one emperor to another.
My family have been watching
over it for 12 generations.
My father and l used to
skip stones across the moat
and talk about a day
l would follow his footsteps.
l was his only son.
lf l'd have been there,
l could have protected him.
lt's not your fault.
You were 3,000 miles away.
What's with that little box?
My sister sent it to me
from my father.
-There's a message inside.
-What's it say?
lt's a puzzle box.
l don't know how to open yet.
What do you mean?
Get a hammer and smash it open
so you can see what it says.
l must have patience.
By the time
l'm able to open it...
l will be ready to read
the message.
Come on, Confucius.
That's the corniest thing
l've ever heard.
Let me see this.
You know what?
We're gonna go to England.
We're gonna find
your dad's killer.
We're gonna get
that seal back.
There's no reward
for this, Roy.
Who said anything
about a reward?
l'm talking about friendship,
loyalty, honor.
Okay?
Thank you, Roy.
And l hear England is ass soup.
A lot of pretty girls there.
First order of business,
my Lords...
is a report from our esteemed
friend Lord Rathbone...
who recently returned from
a diplomatic mission to China.
Fellow Lords...
l'm afraid l bring disturbing
news from the Orient.
The opium wars
have ravaged the land.
The emperor's enemies
are organizing.
The most vicious
are the Boxers.
A godless band of rebels
who murder without discretion.
China is not well.
l have brought back an envoy
who should give us some insight
into the inscrutable mind
of the Chinese.
ls he mad?
Given to Her Majesty
Queen Victoria by the emperor
in recognition of her
Outrageousness!
Long live the queen.
Jack the Ripper
strikes again!
Extra! Extra!
Read all about it.
Howdy, partner.
The English are not
very friendly.
They're just sore losers.
What did they lose?
A little thing called
the American Revolution, Chon.
Never heard of it.
l'll give you the highlights.
They came over
with about a million men.
We had a bunch of farmers
with pitchforks
and beat 'em like a drum.
Hey! l'm walking here!
You're driving on the wrong side
of the road!
Bunch of amateurs.
These people don't get it.
Hello, ladies.
Look at you.
What? l'm not supposed to
notice a pretty lady?
l thought you wanted to
settle down and have a family.
l do, Chon.
l just hope l can.
Why not?
Sometimes l worry that
all the damn horseback riding
l did out in the West,
bouncing up and down on the
hard saddles might have made it
so my salmon don't swim upstream
the way they're supposed to.
What?
l might be shooting blanks.
Oh.
Don't say anything.
Roy, it's okay.
Some people are not meant
to have a family.
l've always had such a special
connection with children.
The little ankle biters.
Hey, watch it,
you little punk!
Pardon me, guv.
You gents lost your way?
Yeah. We're looking
for my sister.
She's staying
at 32 Oxford Street.
l know it well, guv.
Me old man used to live there.
Can you show us the way?
Well, memory's
a little dodgy.
But l'm sure for a bob
l could get you there.
What do you take us for?
Okies from Muskogee?
Go sell your bullshit
someplace else.
We're not buying.
Thanks for the tip, guv.
Hey! l stole that watch
from my uncle!
What?
This way.
Come here,
you little rubbish eater!
What did l tell you about
poaching on our turf, Charlie?
l'm on the straight
and narrow. Honest.
What's this, then?
After l'm through
beating you...
you're gonna wish you never
ran away from the workhouse!
Leave the boy alone.
Bloody tourists!
Get your noses out of it!
Do whatever you want
to the kid...
but that's my watch.
Well, there's a load of us
and only two of you.
So piss off!
Easy, fellas.
You've lost one war this way.
Don't make
the same mistake twice.
Come on!
After him!
Hey!
There he is!
Get him!
We've got him now.
Move in, lads.
Boys, boys, wait, wait!
Come on! Get him!
Up the bloody ladder!
Hey! Hey!
Watch it!
Hey.
Come here, you!
Cool.
Move it!
You!
Did you see that?
lt's okay.
Okay?!
l call that one
my kung pao chicken.
l clotheslined the sucker.
Come on, get back!
Clear away!
Make way!
l think you gentlemen should
accompany me back to the yard.
This isn't a yard!
lt's a jail!
Roy, calm down.
Unbelievable.
Wait!
Someone's coming!
-Let me handle this.
-l'm gonna handle it.
The English aren't like you.
They don't get all emotional.
Touchy-feely.
Do me a favor.
Park the kung fu.
Let me do the talking.
Come here.
Let me give you a hug.
l've been after that
Fleet Street gang for two years.
Then you two come along
and bring them down
in a single afternoon.
Brilliant!
Now, um...
Oh, that's my watch!
Yes. A street urchin
turned it in.
The little punk better not
have scuffed it.
-l hope your luck picks up.
-What do you mean?
l deduced from your watch
that you'd hit a rough patch.
He has.
How do you know?
lt's an investigative technique
l've developed.
l can deduce intimate details
about an individual
through a close scrutiny
of their personal effects.
What else can you tell?
The owner of this watch
is a bad gambler
and a lousy shot.
Although he's cheated death
several times...
he spends most of his life
wandering in a rather pathetic
and futile search
for purpose and respect.
Oh, yes.
He has a penchant
for loose women.
Wow. That's amazing.
l'm sure it's a very popular
party trick
at birthdays
for small children...
but it doesn't quite play
with adults.
Just to set
the record straight.
Roy O'Bannon is not attracted
to loose women.
Loose women
are attracted to me.
-You're Roy O'Bannon?
-Yeah.
The famous Western folk hero?
Have you heard of me?
Have l heard of you?
l've only read "Roy O'Bannon
vs. The Mummy" five times.
lt's fascinating.
l want you to meet
the Shanghai Kid.
Oh, yes.
The faithful Chinese sidekick.
l'm not a sidekick.
Those stories are all lies.
Come on, don't be bitter.
l can't help what
Sage McCallister writes.
lf there's anything l can do,
l'm at your service.
We're looking for my sister.
She's staying at this address.
Can you take us there?
Oh, dear.
l think you'd better come
with me.
Lin.
Wang.
lf you don't mind,
l'll just wait outside.
lntroduce me.
Oh. This is Lin,
my baby sister.
Roy O'Bannon.
Pleasure.
You never told me your sister
was such a...
beautiful lotus blossom.
What'd she say?
No, no, no.
No talking about me
in your native tongue.
Why are you in jail?
l followed the man
who murdered Father.
And?
l found out where he live.
l snuck inside his house
and tried to kill him.
lt's my duty to find
Father's killer.
No, it is mine!
l'm the one who promised Father.
But l'm his only son.
When you abandoned us
for America...
Father said he had no son.
What?
Whoa. Time out.
Time out. Come here.
The detective's a fan.
Why don't l play
the celebrity card?
We'll get her out that way.
-Okay?
-Okay.
Don't worry.
l'll get you out.
Everything's gonna be okay.
ln fact, l'm gonna give you
my good-luck playing cards.
Just ignore the naked ladies.
Wang!
Have you opened Father's box?
Not yet.
She tried to assassinate
Lord Rathbone
whilst he was taking
afternoon tea.
He's 10th in line
to the throne...
Her Majesty's
favorite cousin...
and the finest swordsman
in England.
So, of course,
the press had a field day.
The story actually knocked Jack
the Ripper off the front page.
Artie, Lin is not a killer.
She's just a really,
really, really hot...
confused Chinese girl.
Maybe if l agreed to sign
a few autographs
and talk to some of my fans
here in England...
do some type of charity event,
can we get her out that way?
l'm afraid
that's out of the question.
What will happen
to my sister?
She'll go to trial,
probably be locked away
in an institution
for the criminally insane.
The tabloids have already
dubbed her "Loony Lin."
l thought it was rather catchy.
At the time.
Do you have any notion
what would happen
if we were to be seen
together?
Since your return, l have yet to
lay eyes on the lmperial Seal.
l'm hosting a jubilee ball
at my country estate tomorrow.
Be at the stables
at midnight.
As requested,
a token of my esteem.
This is where you get out.
l hope there will be
more trust between us
when l'm emperor
and you are the new king.
Wow. Buckingham Palace.
Look at that, Chon.
That's where the queen lives.
Hey, look at this guy.
He's a royal guard.
He has a very important job.
l used to be just like him.
No, they're nothing like you.
They're a tourist attraction.
You can make faces at them,
insult them...
and they can't move a muscle.
-Here. Watch this.
-Roy...
No, it's okay.
Hey, buddy,
your shoes are untied.
That is the biggest damn beaver
l have ever seen.
Roy, stop it.
The queen!
Look! The queen!
She's mooning us!
He almost went for that.
My friend and l just came over
from America.
You might have heard of it.
We run your jerkwater country.
Come on, you gonna take that
from a colonial?
Roy, stop it.
l bet you are one hell
of a damn poker player.
No hard feelings.
They can't do that!
You're not allowed to do that!
Shouldn't have touched him.
You scram, you little punk.
l've got friends
at Scotland Yard.
l'll give you up
in a heartbeat.
You get your watch back?
Don't worry about my watch.
Go on.
lt's a knockoff.
What are you talking about?
My uncle stole this watch
from President Lincoln.
lt's a priceless
family heirloom.
Not according
to the pawnbroker.
You should not steal.
lf l don't steal,
l don't eat.
Who showed you how to do
all that kicking and punching?
My father.
Have you ever heard of those?
They're parents.
You don't 'cause you're
a little orphan.
Now, go on.
You're cramping our style.
Oh, this country blows.
You need a place to stay?
Come on in
and warm your dogs.
You can
get into a lot of trouble
breaking into
a place like this.
That being said, well done.
You just ate
the last chocolate.
Course l did.
You gotta look out
for number one.
l could really
get used to this.
Living the life
of a country gentleman.
Maybe doing
a little painting.
Let Lin play in the garden
with the children.
Vera, Chuck, and Dave.
Who's Lin?
Lin's the most beautiful woman
l've ever met.
She's gonna be the savior
of the house of O'Bannon.
Chon, check out the threads.
All l'm missing is the
loyal hound curled at my feet.
We are wasting time.
We must find Rathbone.
What do you think
l've been doing?
Sitting here drinking
expensive hooch?
Refill.
l've been working on a plan.
Now -- Whoa.
Don't slosh the brandy.
-lt messes with the bouquet.
-Sod off.
l'm trying to teach you
a skill set.
Help get you off the street.
-Bartenders make big bucks.
-Roy!
The plan.
Thank you, Chon.
lf we find the seal...
we can prove Rathbone
killed your dad.
lt's the old Hail Mary play.
l also have a version
where we dig a tunnel.
Hey!
Bloody catapult.
Jesus Christ!
-You don't need a catapult!
-Who asked you?
You don't interrupt grown-ups
when they're talking.
"Lord Nelson Rathbone requests
the pleasure of your company
at the jubilee ball
in honor of Her Majesty's
Sounds good.
lt doesn't address security.
They're not gonna let
Chon and l
waltz into the castle.
All you need is
a proper disguise.
l do like a good disguise.
l look like a fool.
What?! You're a maharaja.
That's lndian royalty.
-But l'm Chinese.
-lt's the same thing.
Bob your head a little bit.
Gives you more
of a lndia-royalty flavor.
That's good.
Good show, good show.
Good show, good show.
-Cheerio, cheerio.
-Cheerio, cheerio.
What do we do
when we see Rathbone?
Kill him.
No, okay? No!
You're gonna be civil,
'cause we don't have the seal.
No seal. No Lin.
No family honor. Okay?
Be cool.
Okay, we look great.
Let's enjoy this party.
-Whoa. What are you doing?
-l'm going inside.
-The place is haunted.
-You're the harness man.
You get back at the carriage.
You wait in case we need
to make a quick getaway.
Go on.
Man your post.
You don't always get
what you want.
Why are you so mean
to that boy?
l see a lot of myself
in that kid.
lt's kind of freaking me out.
Come on.
Your name, please, sir.
So l can announce you.
Sherlock... Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes.
Which province do you represent,
Your Highness?
Nevada.
May l present
Major General Sherlock Holmes
and His Highness,
the maharaja of Nevada.
How are the security
arrangements?
Oh, everything seems to be
going swimmingly, my Lord.
And if l may say so...
it is an honor to guard
Your Lordship tonight.
l speak for all of us
at Scotland Yard
when l say that no matter how
far you are from the throne...
you'll always be number one
in our hearts.
Okay, here's the plan.
We're gonna get
a little chow.
Then we're gonna
sneak out of here.
-Start looking for that seal.
-Okay.
-Spotted Dick, sir?
-What?
Spotted Dick.
Can you believe this guy?
l'm trying to get
something to eat.
He's asking me
if l got the clap.
l think
he's offering you food.
Oh. Spotted Dick.
Oh, no.
l think l'll pass.
l'm not really
a dessert man.
Perhaps my friend might like
some Spotted Dick.
l might try
one of these sausages.
A little smoky Joe.
This is good!
l thought the food here
was supposed to suck.
The haggis is fresh
from Scotland, sir.
lt's made from
the finest sheeps' bladders.
l'm gonna get some whiskey
and wash my mouth out.
You should try the quail.
l shot them myself
this morning.
How do you do, Your Lordship?
Very well, thank you.
l'm not acquainted
with the Nevada province.
But l haven't been to lndia
since '81.
l spent most of my time
in the Orient.
l hear you've just returned
from China.
You are well-informed,
maharaja.
lt is my dream
that the Chinese people
will follow lndia's example and
one day embrace British rule.
The Chinese are very proud.
They place family and honor
above all else.
Well, l'm sure
we can break them of that.
lf you'll excuse me,
l have a matter to attend to.
Until we meet again.
Patience.
l'm proud of you, Chon.
We must find the seal.
What do you see?
Shh, shh, shh!
He just pulled a fancy
dragon key out of his desk.
That was my father's!
l must avenge his honor.
Hey, slow down, tiger.
Slow down.
Quit going all Chinese on me.
Where is he?
Damn it. Remember
your puzzle box. Patience.
Okay, there are no windows.
We just came in
through the only doorway.
That leaves one explanation.
Remember in "Roy O'Bannon
vs. The Mummy"
how the zombie king got away
when l chased him
into the pharaoh's tomb?
There's a secret passageway
behind the sphinx.
There's gotta be a lever
or a button over here.
Help me lift some stuff up.
Roy!
The painting.
lt's looking at me.
-Look!
-Oh, yeah.
Looks like it's looking at me.
That's great.
No, real eyes.
Moving!
That kid got to you,
didn't he?
Unbelievable!
We're not in a haunted house.
That's a technique
that an artist uses.
"Ubiquitous gaze" or "pursuant
eyes" is the technical term.
lt's unnerving, though.
l'll give you that.
Roy.
Now, those eyes. Look!
Whatever you say, Chon.
Let's see what you got here,
Rathbone.
Roy!
What, Chon?
Are the statues moving now?
Roy!
l can't hear myself think
with you shouting at me.
Chon?
Chon? Chon?
This is ridiculous.
lf you want to act
like a child and play games...
then find someone else...
'cause l take
this stuff seriously.
l'm here to work.
l'm on a mission.
Chon?
Okay, Chon.
Okay, you little
Chinese otter.
Let's play.
Chon, demons!
She's gonna fight
my battles for me.
Come on.
Let's go.
What? What are you doing?
lt's kinky.
l like it.
Wow! Look at this.
Wait. There's something
different about this room.
Hey.
Let's go!
-Wang!
-Chon, for God's sakes.
-Now he shows up.
-l found it.
Wait. Do you want to hear?
The seal's gone.
Lin.
Roy!
Are we gonna come back?
Roy!
Must you keep doing that?
l was taught
not to be seen or heard.
The seal.
l am a man of my word.
l remember watching
my brother play with this
like a baby rattle.
When l'd try to touch it,
the dowager empress beat me.
No doubt
your deprived childhood
made you into the man
you are today.
Wu Chow.
Wu who?
He is the emperor's
bastard brother.
He was banished
from the Forbidden City
for trying to steal
the lmperial Seal.
Our father caught him.
He vowed to return to claim
the emperor's throne.
This guy?
l'll assume everything
has been arranged as discussed.
You have nothing to worry about.
lt's all in place.
That diamond is as big
as a damn monkey's paw.
-Look at that.
-Roy.
Don't even think about it.
l'm just admiring
the craftsmanship, Chon.
So for now,
our business is completed.
Where's Lin?!
Hey! Hey!
Gotcha!
Just looking out
for number one.
No!
The kid got the seal!
Chon!
lt's stuck.
Lin!
Go! You can do it!
She's got it.
She's got it!
Roy! Come on!
Chon, what in our history
together
makes you think l'm capable
of something like that?
-Roy!
-l can't do that!
Hurry up!
Wait.
There's a better way.
Slow down!
l'm a bat out of hell!
Yee-haw!
Besides, l don't know
where the brake is.
What?!
Look out!
So, what now, buddy?
Relax, relax.
Smooth sailing from here.
Yes, these are the men
who attacked me.
l'm afraid the assailants have
temporarily eluded us, my Lord.
Perhaps you could explain
to me
how Loony Lin
managed to escape
from the confines of
Scotland Yard under the watch
of the most respected
police force in the world.
Yes, of course.
lt's absolutely fascinating.
She picked the lock
using a deck of rather
risque playing cards.
Then scaled the walls
with a mop, a fork...
and various pilfered
undergarments.
You've got to hand it
to the Chinese.
They're awfully ingenious,
Lord, aren't they?
Does your incompetence know
no bounds?!
Where am l?
Lin!
l don't even know these women.
Lin, what are you doing here?
Oh, Lord.
Do you want to try
the position on page 3 7?
Come here, you little minx.
What?
-You okay?
-No, l'm not okay.
l've just been violated
by a barnyard animal.
Who would leave a pile of stones
in the middle of the field?
l don't know, Chon.
These people are nuts.
Come on.
-Can l tell you something?
-What?
This is a hell
of a damn adventure we're on.
l'm having
an absolute ball with you.
Me too.
Here we go.
Get your thumb out, maharaja.
-Why?
-Get over here.
Excuse me!
-Lin!
-Lin!
My shoulder's getting
a little tight.
This is your first time
in England, isn't it?
How do you know your way around?
lt's incredible.
l always had a good sense
of direction.
You can say that again.
l wish we could say the same
about you-know-who.
l once sent him over
a mountain range.
He was lost forever.
One time, l sent him
over the Great Wall.
-He was lost for three days.
-Three days?!
Oh, gosh, we got a lot
in common.
l've never met
anybody like you, Roy.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Hey, can l tell you something
without you getting offended?
What?
You have a great body.
There. l said it.
lt's out in the open.
-You must work out.
-Me?
Excuse me.
Chon, what are you doing?
l don't like the backseat.
Makes me sick. Dizzy.
Whitechapel.
This looks like
a nice enough neighborhood.
-What is Puss 'n' Boots?
-lt's a boardinghouse.
Some of the sailors on the ship
coming over recommended it.
Come on. Come on!
l won't let my sister
stay here.
What are we supposed to do?
Check in to the Savoy?
We'll get arrested
before we get to our room.
l don't mind this place.
See?
She's a little open-minded.
l know this sounds crazy
'cause l just met her...
but l think l'm falling for her.
l think she's the one.
Roy, she's my baby sister.
l know she is.
Thank God!
That's the only chance
l've got.
l'm getting ready
to launch a little thing
called
"Operation Sweep Her Off Her Feet."
You're in a position
to talk me up.
Can l count on you?
Please, buddy, l've never
asked you for anything.
Sure, Roy.
l'll tell her the truth.
Don't get hung up on the truth.
Feel free to smooth out
your old pal's rough edges.
l love you, buddy.
Lin. Come.
Sit.
Hello, love.
Fancy a tumble?
Oh!
Where were you two days ago?
l would have bedded you
in a second.
Now you're looking
at a changed man.
l'm sort of saving myself
for someone special.
l'll give you a discount.
That's the most romantic thing
any woman's ever said to me.
You better go.
You better go
before we lose control. Go!
lf you change your mind...
Roy!
Our father would talk about
the right man for you.
He must be strong,
courageous...
and a good father.
-Like Roy.
-We got her, Chon.
Not like Roy.
You don't know him like l do.
He has many bad habits.
Such as?
He drinks, smokes,
and he gambles.
Chon, where are you
going with this?
He sleeps with women for money.
What are you --
Roy don't do that.
l can see inside him.
He has a good heart.
That's right.
His salmon don't swim
upstream.
He shoots blanks.
Lin, he cannot be trusted.
How could you say that?
You're his friend.
Yeah, sort of.
Roy is the type of a friend
you'd never introduce
to your other friends
or bring home to your family.
He never speak the truth.
You know what l call him?
Not Roy O'Bannon.
Roy O'Baloney.
l don't care.
Lin, l forbid it.
You are not my father.
Roy, there you are.
-Hi.
-Mm-hmm.
You need anything, buddy?
A whole lot of
"leave me alone."
What's wrong?
Nothing.
l woke up
on the wrong side of the bed.
l feel a little pain in my back
like someone put a knife there.
l'm okay.
Don't worry about me.
Roy!
That actually reminds me
of a trick.
You ever seen this one?!
Or this one?!
You think you're so cool
with your karate
and your childlike reflexes.
Roy, you okay?
Look at you.
Do you really call me
Roy Baloney?
Roy, you don't understand.
You just smashed
my puzzle box.
l'll never figure out
my message.
-Roy...
-Go.
You're dead to me.
l don't know a Chon Wang.
What?
Hi, Roy.
Who loves you, baby?
-Nice try, Chon.
-Roy...
l'm sorry.
You do that again,
and you're a dead man.
Pillow fight!
l am Roy Baloney!
Yes!
l'm full of it!
You are!
Roy?
-Roy?
Lin!
lt was his idea.
-Chon!
-Clothes!
Nice night for a walk.
Lin!
-Lin!
-There you are!
What are you doing?
Don't you know there's
a serial killer on the loose?
Forget it.
Who the hell are these guys?
Boxers.
What do they want with us?
They're with me.
l think we need to have
a little chat.
Chon Wang --
the man who can fight
an emperor.
The emperor should never have
his burial knife.
l see.
You're still
my brother's lapdog.
l'm here not for him.
l'm here for my father.
Of course you are.
lt was my dagger
that plunged into his heart.
lt's still crusted
with his blood.
l know the boy has the seal.
Where is he?
We don't know.
That's the truth --
we don't know.
Mmm...
What are you --
What are you doing?
Stop! Put her down!
Put her down!
Put her down!
Or what, Mr. O'Bannon?
Are you gonna kick my ass?
l've read all about
your ridiculous exploits.
l mean, just...
how does it feel to kill
a mummy with your bare hands?
Only a nation
of uneducated rednecks
would be amused
by such cowboy drivel.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy.
What's with
the personal attacks?
You don't see me
making any comments
about your pasty complexion
or your snotty accent
or even your filthy,
smutty sex books.
Yeah, l saw your book.
lt disgusted me.
Oh, why is it always the head
with you people?!
Hold it! Stop! Hold it!
Just hold it!
What are we doing here?
Guys, look at this.
We're acting like animals...
over what?
Some seal?
The seal represents
imperial power.
l will use it to unite
the emperor's enemies
and storm the Forbidden City.
What's in it for you?
You're looking
at the future king of England.
You're, like, 20th in line
to the throne.
But my friend
is about to change all that
by simple...
process of elimination.
lt's called a machine gun.
The first of its kind --
it fires 200 rounds a minute.
Testament to British ingenuity.
Oh, so you steal the seal,
and then you knock off
nine royals?
You got the short end
of that stick, my friend.
Dump them in the river.
Where are you taking her?
To make history.
l can already see
the headlines --
"Nation mourns as Loony Lin
massacres royal family."
l need your assurance
that you will find the seal.
Don't concern yourself.
My men are scouring the city.
You better pray they find it...
or our agreement is over,
and you will never get
the crown.
Chon, l got a confession
to make.
You are in love
with my sister.
Well, that, but...
l didn't lose all the money
on the zeppelins.
No?
Nah. l blew most of it
on the Roy O'Bannon novels.
l wrote them.
No, Sage McCallister
wrote them.
That's what l'm saying, buddy.
l'm Sage McCallister.
You wrote those lies?!
l've always had
low self-esteem.
How many books did you print?
l self-published
probably a million copies.
We were actually second
to the Bible that year.
Oh, you --
l guess l'm just about
the worst friend
a guy could ask for.
No, you're a good friend.
Thank you.
lf you really love Lin,
l won't stand in the way.
Really?
But if you break her heart...
l'll break your legs.
That's fair.
Well,
friends to the end, Chon...
and this is the end.
Chon, you got a plan?
You wouldn't happen to have
a plan, would you?
Yes.
-Anything l can do?
-No.
Good. l'll let you do
the heavy lifting, then.
Chon, hurry.
Chon!
Chon! Chon, hurry!
Hurry!
Hurry! Chon, hurry!
Roy!
Coming!
Chon!
The water's so dirty!
No! No! lt's dirty! No!
Just go ahead and drown me.
l don't care anymore.
Roy!
You look ridiculous.
l think we look good.
l really must protest
this intrusion.
Every bobby in London is out
scouring the streets
for you two.
Have you been drinking?
l always drink when my
employment's been terminated.
They fired you?
Lord Rathbone saw to that.
l'm sorry.
lt's of no consequence.
l never wanted to be
an inspector in the first place.
lt was my father's idea.
l always wanted to be
a writer.
Yeah.
Artie, we need your help.
Rathbone has taken Lin.
He's gonna kill
the royal family
and he's gonna assume
the throne.
Do you have any evidence
to support these
preposterous allegations?
We have this.
lt's the boy's.
Use your technique.
Tell us where he is.
Paraffin wax --
most interesting.
He's at a church.
The little punk's hiding
in a church.
No, no, no.
lt's not candle wax.
l have it.
-Don't worry. You'll get it.
-What are you doing?
-He's picking the lock.
-Well, hurry up!
Chon, please! Please.
lt's a very meticulous process.
Let Artie do his job.
lt's almost an art form.
lt takes the precision
of a surgeon.
You have to be so precise.
Maybe if we jam
another one in there.
That works, too.
Lacks a certain finesse.
All right, all right.
Let's split up.
What the...
l am gonna break your neck.
Come here.
Looky here.
-Come on, where is it?
-What?
You know
what l'm talking about.
Don't give me that "what."
What do we got here?
Oh, yes.
You don't mind
if l take this back, do you?
Go on.
Get out of here.
Go!
Roy?
l got it.
Give me the seal.
Give me the seal!
All right, spread out!
Through there!
Let's go.
The gig's up.
So, what are we gonna do?
Come on, think!
l'm not going
to an English prison.
With my feathery blond hair
and Chon's athletic build,
they'll try to make us
the belle of the ball.
Forget it.
l'm not going back.
Well, at least we'll get
a good view of the fireworks
from Scotland Yard.
-Fireworks?
-Yeah.
At midnight, they're launching
this huge display
from a flotilla of barges
on the Thames.
lt's the official kickoff
to the Queen's Jubilee.
ls the royal family
gonna be there?
They're gonna be viewing
the spectacle from a balcony
overlooking the river.
He's got a machine gun
on the barge.
Yes.
You gents lost your way?
Kid, tell me
you got a way out.
Nice move, kid.
So why did you come back?
Why did you give up the seal?
'Cause l'm a fool.
Guess l'm a fool, too.
Well, put her there, fool.
l never got your name.
Name's Chaplin...
Charlie Chaplin.
-Excuse me.
-Excuse me.
Excuse me, please!
-Excuse me.
-Excuse me.
You warn the royal family.
l'll save Lin.
How on earth are you gonna
do that?
You okay?
l just saved you!
You were late!
What?!
Nelson?
Why are you hiding yourself
back there?
l shouldn't like to impede
your view, Your Highness.
Nonsense.
You arranged all this.
You should have
a front-row view.
l regret that, uh,
respectfully l must decline.
l need to keep a good eye
on proceedings.
Nelson,
you've outdone yourself.
Wait till you see the finale.
Hey!
Hey!
This is hopeless.
We're not gonna get past
the guards.
Well, not with that attitude
we won't.
Come on, Artie.
There's got to be a way.
There's always --
Lin!
Yee-haw! Yeah!
Yee-haw!
Yee-haw!
We got to jump it!
Wu Chow!
Hold it right there,
Rathboner.
l'm guessing
by your hasty retreat
that you're still
lnspector Doyle,
arrest this man.
He's got a gun!
Come on!
-Oh!
-You okay?
What happened?
Rathbone nailed Artie
with a little sissy gun.
l'll look after him.
You two go.
Go!
For Father.
For Father.
For Old Man Wang.
Oh, my lucky playing cards.
Be careful.
Tell Rathbone to be careful.
Roy, let's go.
You're gonna need
a bigger gun!
You see him?
No.
Show your face, Rathbone!
l'm gonna tear this guy apart.
Roy, you go this way.
l'll go that way.
Split up? l don't know
if that's a good idea.
lt's okay.
He's not up here.
Roy, keep going.
Aw, come on, Roy.
Hey, uh, Rathbone...
l was just thinking
of a title for my new book...
"Roy O'Bannon
vs. Little Lord Sissy."
But what about "Roy O'Bannon vs.
The Man Who Would Be Queen"?
No sign of him, Chon.
The coast is clear up here.
Roy! Look out!
Roy!
Oops.
Come on up.
l'll show you
how your father died.
Lord, help me.
Just let me know you're there.
Love me. Hate me.
But let me know
you're up there!
Hey, l can see our hotel
from here.
Come along.
l'm waiting.
Come on, Roy. Okay.
Roy O'Bannon
will not go quietly.
You hear that, England?!
Throw whatever
you want at me --
your terrible weather,
your perverted killers,
your Spotted Dick!
Roy, you're about to die.
You're on the minute hand
of a clock.
My life is flashing
before my eyes.
Wait a minute.
l don't remember her.
One more.
One more.
How disappointing.
One more.
You killed my friend.
You killed my father!
Roy!
l thought you were dead!
Oh!
You think
some tea-drinking psycho
can take out Roy O'Bannon?
Easy there, cowboy.
You got any ideas?
-We jump!
-Jump?!
You mean fall?!
Aim for the flag!
Aw, shit.
l got to tell you something.
What?
You're the best sidekick
l could ever ask for.
Thank you, Roy.
l feel the same about you.
On three.
One...
Two...
-Three!
-Three!
Roy. Roy!
Howdy.
ln recognition
of outstanding bravery,
l dub you Sir Chon Wang.
For uncommon valor,
l dub you Sir Roy O'Bannon.
And for steadfast dedication
to justice,
l dub you
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
Arise.
Who loves you, baby?
Madam.
Artie, l bet Scotland Yard's
dying to get you back now.
My official
crime-fighting days are over.
The queen has asked me
to accompany the lmperial Seal
back to China.
What a week.
Unbelievable.
She couldn't have picked
a better man, right, Chon?
Yeah.
And the voyage is gonna give me
time to work on my new novel.
lt features a new kind
of detective,
and he's gonna solve crimes
using deductive reasoning.
Give me a name.
What's his name?
Actually, Roy,
l was rather hoping
to call him Sherlock Holmes,
if that's all right with you.
l'd be insulted
if you didn't use it.
-Ta.
-See you, Artie.
That was very nice
of you, Roy.
l would've kept the name
if l thought it was any good.
lt's a horrible name
for a detective --
Sherlock Holmes. Holmes?
Will you stop playing with that?
l'm gonna smash it.
l just want to see it
for a second.
-Just let me see it.
-No, you're gonna break it.
lt's just a rock
with some gibberish on it.
That's Chinese.
"Family is forever, my son.
l'm proud
you cast your own stone."
That's a good message.
l'd like to cast
my own stone, Chon.
-Hi.
-Hi.
l told you -- the house
of O'Bannon will prevail.
Chon, l got a business
proposition for you.
No more zeppelins.
No, no, this is much better
than zeppelins --
a new thing they're starting
out in California
called moving pictures.
Pass.
Hold it. Hold it.
Hear me out.
l really think these movies
could play to your strength.
There's no sound,
so we don't have to worry
about the language problem.
And l think the kung fu stuff
could be huge.
People are dying
for a good action picture.
What do you think?
Chon Wang, movie star?
lt could work.
l feel bad about ditching
that Chaplin kid,
but we're gonna be running
and gunning in Hollywood,
and he'd just cramp our style.
lt's such a tough town.
Bloody tourists!
Action!
You have to say "cut."
You just keep looking!
Come here, you little minx.
Cut.
That was good.
That was a good one, huh?
Maybe on this one
l should lick you...you think?
Like, after you lick me --
that could be kind of good.
And, Jackie...
Jackie?
Thank you. Hi, Owen.
Hello. How are you?
Okay, and l'm not
Roy O'Bannon.
Who are you?
Damn it, Chon,
l think she's the one.
l know it's crazy.
We just met, but she's the one.
No, Roy,
she's my babysitter.
Your babys--
What?
Baby what?
Baby sister.
Baby sister?
Not babysitter.
Baby sister.
You okay?
Action!
What happened?
Roy is the type of a friend
you never introduce
to your other friends
or bring into your family.
He's -- Look at his eyes.
They're brown -- full of shit.
Always...
Just bullshit all the time.
Yeah, have you ever heard
of those?
They're parents.
We have parents that love us.
You don't,
'cause you're a little orphan.
You don't --
We've got par-- Yeah, parents.
Have you ever heard of those?
We've got parents that love us.
But you don't,
'cause you're a little orphan.
Oh, go on.
So mean.
Chon Wang, movie star?
lt could work.
lt could work.
You could do your own stunts.
What? My own stunts?
Whoa! Whoa!
Stay here and be a good horsey
for the new sheriff.
That hurt.
You're supposed to catch me!
Roy, catch.
-Jesus.
-That's my fault.
Wait a second.
This nut is killing
your street women?
Who did that?
Jackie Chan.
Me?
That's right.
-That was the...
-First time.
-The best take.
-l'm sorry.
Hurry up!
Are you crazy?!
l can't do that!
This isn't Chinatown!
l can't sail through the air!
-l'm not gonna break my neck!
-Roy!
What in our history together
makes you think l'm capable
of something like that?
lt's getting bigger!
There's got to be
a better way.
Roy!
Roy!