Simon (2004) Movie Script

October 21, 2002
Either I say "No" or "Ok, sure".
What a line: "No or ok, sure".
White or beige. But not off-white.
That's just yellow.
We'll discuss it later.
Now where's my parking pass?
That would be handy.
Hey! What are you doing?!
There are little kids around here.
Just lost ten points. Queers
count double. Cool pimpmobile!
Really? Well I think it's got class.
I'm just teasing. You're still with us?
Yes. Yes. You too?
Barely. I have cancer.
That's life. Who's this?
This is Bram. My partner.
In the private sense.
Hello. I'm Bram.
I'm Simon. Camiel's ex-partner.
In business. Don't get any ideas!
Yeah, I've heard about you.
Don't believe everything.
June 3, 1988
Stop squirming, man. It doesn't help.
Simon entered my life with a bang.
The story had begun.
Despite his kindness,
I was bit scared of him.
Anyone who drives like that
has to be crazy.
This guy is nuts.
- You want another appointment?
- Yes.
Me too, Nurse Verlaan. How about it?
I just love straight-up horny blondes.
I'm gay.
Better you than me, buddy.
Every bird has its tune.
Yeah, but you don't talk like a fag.
- How do fags talk?
- Like fags.
You know, with those hands!
- I can't see.
- Oh, just acting faggy.
Simon happened to run a local "coffee
shop". So I bought my weed from him.
Hey, how's it going?
Fine. I hope I can take this off tomorrow.
Spine's straight again.
He tried to score a header
with my car last week.
This is Camiel.
- Camiel's a fag.
- Yeah, so it seems.
It could happen to you, too.
- I do have all the symptoms.
- Does your mother know?
Any we find, we shove up your ass.
- Has that ever happened to anyone?
- You bet.
I hate coke and smack dealers.
Impale 'em on sticks, I say.
I'm against capital punishment. But
a creative life sentence with fish hooks.
It's a pity we lost to Russia.
We'll see 'em in the finals.
We'll beat them hands down.
Did you order extra crates?
Three won't be enough.
I ordered five. Should be enough.
Got your tampon in? And your glass eye?
Or is it still on the nightstand?
Wouldn't want to switch the two!
For Simon, "Whacko" or "Nut-job"
meant "I like you."
But his friend Marco was whacko.
Just before I met him...
a mushroom trip had him convinced
his tattoos were falling off.
So he tried to staple them back on
with a staple gun.
Holland - Ireland Live! It's "Life",
with an "f", right? Or it'd be "Liv"?
No, with a "v". "Live", like "alive".
Smart ass.
Hey, honey, what about the Santa hats?
Santa hats - negative.
You fucking me? Tried "El Phone Book"?
It's June, genius!
So, I offered to get Santa hats
and tinsel - in June!
The guys had a beach bar in Zandvoort...
and had an Australian
Christmas party every summer.
They'd travel the world in the winter and
picked up the idea somewhere.
They'd been everywhere!
The Yanomani Indians in the Amazon...
carving wood with the Trobrianders...
I spent Christmas in Australia,
so I'm used to this.
Thailand, too, but that's crawling
with Australians!
New Zealand...
This is Camiel.
- Sharon.
- Camiel's a fag.
Oh, nice for you.
And this is Sharon... my girl.
Whatever. Take the dog.
Has the pickled pussy looked over yet?
Jesus. That ugly Albino over there.
He runs the place with that
Bogus Brother. Crockett & Tubbs.
Mood degraders, let me tell you.
Simon used "mood degrading"
for negative cases...
Mood degrading...
and "mood upgrading"
for positive ones.
Mood upgrading!
Fucking Krauts! Gimme back my bike!
What d'you want, egghead?
I've just never seen
a butt-ugly Santa before!
Crockett & Tubbs
were mood degrading.
Tubbs was his real name,
but Crockett was Ronnie.
Two pairs of machos.
Crockett & Tubbs had the hots
for Sharon. But she was Simon's.
I didn't have the hots for her.
Simon called me a "guacamole fag".
Fucking hell, it's hot.
Simon feared Sharon
was sleeping around.
He put her on a pedestal.
Sorry. That was too...
He was one of the first
with a mobile phone.
Back then, only dealers had them.
So did you meet him? Yeah, your Maker.
You were in top form yesterday.
Is that Marco? Tell him I said "hi"...
Camiel says "Fuck off".
No idea why...
Yeah, that fag.
That backdoor tourist with
wrong clothes and droopy cheeks.
Gotta hang up, Curly...
Thingy 3 is here.
Hey, Redbeard, give Motor Mouse
the Pluto key chain?
- He still has to give you the blue keys.
- Well then tell him.
Dubious types named Thingy Two
through Five regularly showed up...
on mopeds a half hour
after Simon would get beeped.
They always got some key or another.
It was a fascinating shadow play
linked to the city's supply of soft drugs.
Intense people, the Thai.
I'll take you along.
Relaxing. Hammocks.
Mawing on fresh papaya.
- Have a paddle. Chew nuts
- your kind of thing. Nice, man.
I'm sure it would be fantastic
to join you. But I'm out of money.
Can't even afford a train ticket
to the country.
Don't worry about that, neighbor.
Is that a boy or a girl?
Funny you ask. He wondered
the same about you.
Very funny.
You have my permission to clock him one.
Parrots live to eighty.
Sure to outlive you.
I'm wild about dogs,
but I'd lose it if one died on me.
This neighbor belongs to Sharon,
don't ya boy?
Yuk, Norris! Foul breath, man!
Simon loved animals, was vegetarian
and donated the average wage...
to "Save the Apes"and a cat boat.
He made ten times that...
but claimed unemployment benefits
like the best.
Look, I pump loads into the economy.
I'm a big-time consumer.
Why can't I benefit from the
voodoo economy?
If I wasn't on the dole, they'd
question my income, and I'd be screwed.
You and the economy don't want that.
So clamp it.
We drove down the shoulder, sir.
Did We?
Aren't you in the Village People?
Where are the Indian
and the Leather Boy?
They'll send you a bill
for the ticket I'm writing.
Not bad for such a shit band.
In 1988, Simon was feeling
better than ever.
Holland were champions and he was
King of Amsterdam and the beaches.
The little girl's five and a half now.
Joy's her name. Pure joy.
She stayed on after I broke up
with my Thai lady.
She was expecting
the second: Nelson.
After that guy in jail in South Africa.
I think it's better if they grow up
as Thai. "Thai" means free.
Chillin' by the palms.
Sun and fresh air.
Little monkeys in the trees. Great, man.
Why did you and
your lady - or wife - split up?
Rumble time...
Shit... take this.
They often shed the fancy watches
and stormed off...
to fight Crockett & Tubbs.
It was in their make-up.
Studying was out of my make-up.
It was hard enough to retire to
my room with a book on teeth.
I began to believe Simon:
Life was discovered at play.
People just aren't made
for cold climates.
Otherwise we wouldn't need
winter clothes.
Look around...
everyone's sick and faint.
Do Camiel.
He's a walking Quasimodo anyway...
If you moan, I'm outta here.
You got a real Jew face.
You are Jewish, right? Me, too.
Cohen's my name, after all.
But you could've invented
a Jew-ponim like yours.
But I'm not a practicing Jew.
- What's that?
- He doesn't practice!
What would you practice?
Building a tower?
How can you be proud of
what you didn't control?
There are really nice things
about Judaism.
Personal responsibility.
God isn't on a cloud,
He's your conscience.
Don't talk shit, man!
Any organized religion is wrong.
Gimme a break.
32 sets at 15 kilos.
- Mind your eye doesn't pop out!
- Watch it.
Know why she has a glass eye?
A Turk once came in her eye
and it got all infected.
- He was Tunisian.
- Turkish, Simon.
- Tunisian!
- He was a Turk.
No, we only say he was a Turk
'cos it sounds cooler. He was Tunisian.
Wanna bet? Five-hundred skins.
You're on. You're so gonna pay.
Hey! Cyclops!
Your eye guy was Tunisian, right?
Yeah, a Tunisian.
In Djerba.
In some Kraut's 4x4.
Pay up, Pops.
Later, ok?
These men took some getting used to.
And the women were even less familiar.
They were more body-minded than gays.
Well, sugar, it'll only get worse.
Next year, zero percent body fat.
But for them,
guys like me were a novelty.
You're a weirdo.
Kick low. She can't take it.
Time's on your side.
I don't wanna win on points.
I wanna kill her!
Fuck her up!
Mawash Shar! Aim for the thigh!
Bring that French slut down!
Tell your mama, dumb-ass ho!
Simon was crazy about Sharon...
but he also screwed
half the local hockey team...
At least a posh guy like me
could fit in here easily.
- You can take sides, Camiel.
- Button it!
It's a home match!
There must be some reason
why people not like Simon...
People like us, you mean. Go on...
No, you. I haven't figured it out yet.
Simple. Sex.
I mean, you're into men, right?
Well, Simon's obviously a He-man.
Yeah, but that's just it...
I'm not into He-men.
Well I am.
But they're not on a hockey field.
Hey Mary Poppins.
Go see what they're charging
next door for a salad.
Why don't you just let the guy study?
He got into school and
now you tug on his shirt.
Excuse me? This muppet's
been taking my hand-outs.
It's time he earned his keep.
As initiation, I had to play spy
at Crockett & Tubbs.
My heart was beating.
I was stopped five meters
from the menu.
Bugger off, pom-pom girl!
Or this board goes up your anus.
I'll try to be less conspicuous
next time.
Oh, you first tried conspicuous?
Jesus. Here, Camiel. Study.
Hey, look who's here.
Our top forward.
- Hi there, Marjolein.
- Hi, Simon.
Why aren't you calling me?
Diederik and Taco were there, so...
Why aren't you calling me?
I asked you a question:
Why aren't you calling me?
Why? I don't even have your number.
- Oh. You don't have my number.
- No.
Then you can't call me, can you?
What are you laughing at?
You want another screw?
Not really... I'm going to a movie
with a girlfriend. She's on her way.
No, let's have a nice screw.
Us three are going to his place.
I'm waiting for my girlfriend.
They all say that.
Don't lie to Daddy.
No, we're gonna shag. Play hard to get,
but you're wasting your time.
- Come on, Marco.
- "Come on, Marco."
Don't try and change the course
of history, it won't work.
Seen "Back to the Future"?
I can't. It's not fair on Liselot.
She's coming at 8...
On Liselot? We'll call her.
So, I followed them.
They went into Simon's house
and slammed the door.
But it sprung open again,
not that they noticed.
So, I stood outside...
...thinking: "Should I go in? Or not?"
Camiel! Great to see you, man!
Go get us some falafel!
Yeah, three falafel pitas!
You said he was in maternity.
"Having a baby?" I asked.
- A fraternity, not maternity.
- "A fraternity, not maternity!"
If he was having a baby, he'd go "Lalala"!
- No, they go "La-dee-da"!
- No, that's the homos!
I was addicted to Simon's weird world.
I put up with his political incorrectness
and comments about my gayness.
It's really pissing down, isn't it!
But we'll be in Thailand
next week, you old fairy.
No need to tell the world.
Come on, he's out of the closet.
I wouldn't be.
You look like an ass.
But I guess I can't say that, either.
You're quite a guy, Simon Cohen.
Yeah? So the operation was a success?
Simon often doubled as a stuntman
for Vietnam movies.
So my first few days in Thailand...
were as the honored guest of
a self-styled "Stunt Coordinator".
"The place is teaming with leeches."
"Leeches". I can't get
my tongue round it...
- What does it mean?
- It's crawling with bloodsuckers.
Oh, I didn't know "teaming".
"Leeches", I knew from Kalimantan.
Little buggers. On the Camel Trophy.
They'll dub my leeches anyway.
Okay, neighbor. A-okay?
He's nuts, man.
I was to head for a village
where Simon had a past.
Back then it was
a few lazy huts on the beach.
Simon would follow a few days later.
The rest of the clan
were already there.
- Marco!
- Well look here!
A salt-water fairy.
They're a dying breed.
- He's back: Georgie Porgie.
- Hey, man.
Hey, woman.
How was the boat trip?
Pukey, I bet.
It was no fun.
What happened to your nose?
Sparring. Thai boxing.
Thailand, you know.
The biggest compliment to a Thai... to slap his head
and kick him in the ass.
Some things
you should avoid in Thailand:
Don't ever touch someone's head.
Never show the sole of your foot.
And never make a fuss to get attention.
- That's a real no-no. It's disrespectful.
- You need to know!
His ex inlaws, I assume?
That's Simon's daughter and son.
And that's no problem,
with Simon's new girlfriend here?
Yeah, they get along fine.
This place and the jetski-rental
thing in the village?
Simon donated them. No problem here.
Are these Dutch or Norwegian shrimp?
It really sucks about your nose.
And you're so concerned about looks.
I'm not concerned with looks.
I'm really into Buddhism.
Was it an upper cut or a straight hit?
Or a triple high-kick
from the outside?
Cheeky, aren't you?
Know your place.
Vamos! Sissy-boy!
I think there's water
in my Eustachian tube.
Come here!
In the name of the law!
- Never make a fuss to get attention?
- That doesn't go for me, smart-ass.
- Did he just say "Neighbor"?
- Simon's work. It's become trendy here.
- Neighbor.
- We're all "neighbor".
But back to Simon.
He's a bit simple-minded?
It irritates me sometimes.
- And you're Einstein!
- You're a weirdo!
Big Dipper. Little Dipper. Orion.
It all looks different here.
We were both as drunk
as a Mekong monkey.
Then she started her
"I can't control myself"act.
And if I don't want to?
You gonna beat me up?
I escaped into the universe.
Big Dipper...
Little Dipper...
I could never face Simon again.
I was a worthless friend,
a worthless fag.
I didn't wait for Simon to arrive.
I pretended I had a parasite
and flew back home.
After three weeks
I pulled myself together...
... to confess to Simon
the day he returned.
At first I planned to move away.
I wasn't afraid, but ashamed.
Fear came second.
A beating would have been cleansing.
Should I congratulate you
or rip your head off?
It's not worth congratulations.
Nice, aren't they, the girls?
How's the parasite?
You caught one, didn't you?
You was to undercut me 3000?
That was the last time I saw Simon.
Then I moved away because
I started a relationship, with a guy.
Four more moves and
six relationships later...
I'd almost forgotten all about him.
What are you doing?!
There are little kids around here.
Just lost ten points. Queers
count double. Cool pimpmobile!
- Really? Well I think it's got class.
- Yeah.
I'm just teasing.
You're still with us?
Yes. You too?
Barely. I have cancer.
So I hadn't seen him
for years, until now.
You want to see him again?
I'm not sure it would be much fun.
Especially as he's so sick.
"Fun" is no criterion here?
- You came to see Simon?
- Yes. See you later.
Been a long time, no?
- A day...
- Aside from yesterday.
About, what, eight years or so?
14 years.
- Really?
- Yep.
Guess so.
Kids weren't living here yet.
Something to drink?
I've got tea. Or tea.
- Tea, then.
- Tea it is.
So, your kids live here?
My "ex" did a summersault
with her jetski. Dead.
So I made a deal with their grandpa
that I'd take the kids.
They do have more chances here.
They can always find their roots
if they want.
Is that still the same parrot?
Just hitting puberty.
That clown will bother
my great grand-children!
Still have that coffee shop?
Got a few now, actually.
Got the beach bar, too.
And a few other things.
Perfect, man.
This music drives me mad.
I'll put something else on.
Princess Buttercup. Beauty, ain't she?
Except for her flat feet.
She's taking her exams this year.
If she passes, I'll buy her a car.
This is Camiel.
An old friend of mine.
He came to Thailand
when you were a brat.
- Will you pass your exams?
- Maybe, maybe not.
I can wait for the car.
I don't have a license anyway...
Cute, eh? She couldn't give a
flying turd about those tests.
- "Ain't got a license."
- Hasn't got a license...
Your brains came
from my seed, you know.
Don't get smart.
Why must you act like that?
Kettle's boiling.
- So?
- I'll make tea, you old bag.
Yeah, go make Pop some tea.
- So you're glad you went?
- Yes.
And the woman in question?
The other sensitive issue...
I'll see her tomorrow,
come what may...
Keep up the flossing, Tina,
or you'll never get a guy.
But seriously, when you start the chemo,
you'll be as sick as your dad was.
They have extra cots,
we could stay over sometimes.
And what would your worser half say?
He'd understand.
We can take turns with Joy, Marco...
I could take a turn.
Mom, can I get something
with my own money?
Jesus, Bruce! You and
that conniving head of yours!
Can I get an ice cream?
If I could squeeze you back
into Daddy's dick...
How are you two?
Do you see each other often?
She's married, she is.
Married to that Tubbs asshole!
- Get out!
- Get out yourself?
We'd just broken up when Tubbs'
sidekick went splat trying to hang-glide.
So she had to comfort him,
the fake Kunta Kinte.
She and her ass are in lipstick now.
At least she's politically correct:
First a Jew, then a gay, then a brother.
Just a Turk and a dyke
and she'll get the Nobel Prize!
What's the next step in treatment?
Chemo soon.
If it doesn't work, that's it.
How do the kids react?
The girl is 20 and understands, but...
...the boy, I'm not sure what he
understands. I told him I was sick.
I don't even know myself.
I'm not counting on anything.
The treatment could work.
Strange isn't it, to be completely
dependent on cell division.
First you think only famous people die.
Dropping like flies.
I let you sleep in. Your breath
really stinks when you're asleep.
Get that molar looked at, Bram.
As if you swallowed a rotten skunk.
Not you, my boyfriend here.
Open, please.
Simon wants to come for brunch.
But he doesn't eat meat.
No, no human flesh either...
I only deal in real estate.
Selling at a profit.
Some days I may turn over a hundred or
150 doors, from one to the next.
By "doors" he means houses.
I'm not a retard, Huckleberry.
We're getting married, you know.
Middle class, eh?
You want to do that?
We're ready to make
a commitment.
We feel the need... confirm things.
It's a tax break too.
And Camiel's up for a good party.
Yeah, living together is one thing, but if
you marry, people will think you're fags!
Only joking, Bram. That's just me.
Woodpecker over there knows.
- He called everyone "Neighbor".
- I still do.
But now it's more Woodpecker.
An extremely mood-upgrading bird.
I came here a lot,
with my father.
He was in one of those science-fiction
things. Irradiated his family jewels.
Your mother, did she have
the same illness?
Yeah, but in her womb.
I didn't know about it.
I was younger than Nelson is.
- Here you are, nurse.
- Thank you, one moment.
Yes indeed, nurse.
All this suffering.
Imagine working here.
You like school?
You ask a child: "Do you like school?"
- Try a more original line.
- Sorry.
You fall for big, hairy blond men?
Who cares,
as long as they don't have a ponytail.
It's weird. Simon being on a drip.
They must have started.
Wasn't it strange, to be brought
from Thailand as a little girl?
Or don't you remember?
At first I couldn't understand anything.
I do recall being in the car from
the airport and passing a power plant.
We passed some chimneys
belching smoke.
Look. A cloud factory.
That's where they make clouds.
This puff-head cheats!
You can beat an old fart
without cheating.
Take it easy, smurf.
You beat me by a hair.
- The difference will only get bigger.
- You think so?
Do you like school?
What's so funny,
Betty Boobless?
Donald Dickless.
Give that to me.
Give it to me, sweetie.
So we've decorated our whole house
according to feng shui.
- Feng Shui?
- You know what it is?
Yeah, it's total nonsense.
He's so innocent when he's sleeping.
I use porcelain.
It has a metal base,
so it's as sturdy as metal.
Porcelain is beautiful,
you don't even notice it's there.
Maybe that will be my next project.
I already had my tits done.
- It was the first thing I saw.
- Oh really?
I'm very happy with them.
Why did you and Simon
break up in the end?
Did what happened between us
in any way contribute to it?
There were other things...
Fuck! Bummer...
I did. I kicked her right off his knob.
That's how it goes...
Look, a man doing it doesn't give,
he takes. That's different.
That conniving head of yours!
Why hit the hockey chick?
You're lucky she didn't sue you.
She should keep her hands off my guy.
You had others before me.
And during as well.
Eight, nine at least...
That was just before you in Thailand.
- Explains the broken nose.
- So it wasn't from kickboxing.
The tooth was.
You never slapped your partner?
- Or vice versa.
- Of course not!
He really wasn't that aggressive.
No more than me, at least.
I met him at the gym.
He trained with us for a while.
Pretty good.
He was a real challenge.
You all right?
He triggered something in me.
Turn into a naked chick, quick.
Can you do that?
Or does Daddy need
to give you a hand?
- Job well done.
- Holy-moly.
No need to exaggerate.
Let me have a look at you.
Perfect face for the radio.
Those remarks seemed more important
than him being a great lay.
I was fucking in love with the guy.
He was just so relaxed and cool.
My other boyfriends
were macho pigs.
Not him. Not so much.
I thought you'd be smoking.
I'm going in.
No, don't. Let him sleep.
Marco's with him. I'll be quiet.
- One is enough.
- I'm going. It's not for you to say.
I can't take her conniving face
I never could, to be honest.
Nice word, though... conniving.
How can a word sound "nice".
Jesus, man. You're crazy.
Hi, this is Camiel Vrolijk's assistant.
Barbara. Can we move today's
appointment to next week?
It's a little like the worst flu you
ever had, but then with a hangover.
But then ten times as heavy.
People used to die from the flu,
but not anymore.
Maybe in third-world countries still
when they could easily be saved.
You don't have to entertain us.
Junior already did on the way over.
Chattering away about how
they put those poor boys... their palms just to
crush them in their fists.
Not poor kids, just major dorks
who think they're all that.
They're all major dorks.
What do we call 'em?
Is he relaxed about your boyfriends?
Or does he bring out the hedge-clippers?
He'd have prefered me to be a lesbian.
Simon? Can Floris borrow
your moon-boots?
If they fit him, babe.
He's smaller, but that's
no problem with moon-boots.
We want to go to the dunes.
It's beautiful in the snow.
Look in the bag with punchies
in that Tibetan closet.
Try there.
So, door's shut.
Simon was pretty cool with my flings.
I tried to keep in mind
his sensitivities.
Fifteen minutes.
The walls are thin so don't
make too much noise.
We'll see about that.
No we won't.
This isn't your house, Cruella.
Ouch! Told you!
That was you.
You're just so well-endowed. Not!
Like you fill the house, Betty Boobless.
That line's not yours...
Look, it's still snowing.
You'll be snowed in
up to your eyeballs.
Hit your left cheek
with a black olive.
Of course the baby
had turned off the boiler.
He always got along
with my friends.
Better with the girls
than with the boys.
You're sharp today, Tamar.
But not sharp enough
to take the morning-after pill.
That would have kept you
out of the abortion clinic!
He thought the guys
were snobby wimps.
He liked the girls,
like Djoeke with her super titties.
Who's never committed suicide here?
I mean in the real sense of the word.
Whisky-Prozac on the rocks.
Does that count?
We first noticed something was wrong
with Simon at his bodysurfing class.
That's what he called it.
So, you gonna start or what?
Djoeke, Djoeke, Djoeke!
- When are we gonna marry?
- Today?
Simon, it's yours!
He got a call about a weed deal.
Everyone knew he was a dealer.
And he didn't give a damn.
Listen, it's simple. It makes no difference.
Michael's crop fails sometimes.
Everything was okay until he hung up
and looked worried.
These phones can't
be good for your head.
I'm seeing double.
He kept having symptoms.
He forgot things... his keys...
He went out for croissants
and came back without them.
He made up an excuse...
He went for a scan at the doctor.
Hello, it's me.
When he called, I knew something
was wrong. I sunk through the ground.
I have some news.
Good and bad.
The good news: I have a brain.
There are the kids, of course.
Sharon, if she has time...
- And me...
- If you have time.
I know what you mean
and won't play along.
I just think it could be a long time.
If this doesn't work maybe he'll have
more chemo or something else.
They have to make a schedule.
If this doesn't work
he'll be dead in a few months.
And he'll never bother you again.
What a shitty thing to say.
Seems useful.
I'm all for it.
I was told that
you didn't want it.
He didn't know you were sexy.
He thought the nurse'd be a fat dyke.
Why do you have a rifle?
He shoots at junkies
using an unlocked bike as bait.
Strange hobby.
Stealing bikes is also a strange hobby.
Those addicts don't have many options.
- Quit using and get a job?
- Exactly.
That "poor addict" bullshit
makes my skin crawl.
If you bring our espresso-maker over,
Simon can make coffee.
"If you bring our espresso maker..."
Come on!
Leave her alone, man.
- I didn't mean to be irritating...
- I know... Just don't talk so much.
- Some people hate it.
- Okay.
Anything else?
If you'd been normal,
would you have wanted kids?
Your dick comes
with a huge check.
But it's great watching them grow up.
No regrets.
Think you're some hot chick
with that ponytail?
- What's up?
- Hey, man.
I'm not so fluent in "Horse".
As you can see, the tumor
has hardly reacted to the chemo.
Actually, we can even see that
it's spread since the chemo.
So it's getting really difficult.
Most troubling is,
we're in an area of the brain...
...which houses
the most crucial functions.
Yeah, you can't just slash away at it...
An operation is not an option.
I'm pretty sure other surgeons
would give the same diagnosis.
Couldn't you find someone
with a sense of tumor...
...who could snip around
the crucial areas.
I'm not trying to mock your profession.
Just my black humor.
We could try another bout of chemo,
but you haven't really reacted to it.
I'm not really into the idea either.
I'm glad you came along, really.
It's just normal.
It's starting to hit me, man.
It's a clich, but
you first think about the kids.
You do?
Well, I don't have any so
I have no idea what that would mean.
The world would keep turning.
It doesn't really need me.
I'll keep it turning.
You're a good one.
You see the lighter side, just like me.
Open your kisser.
Any idea what'll happen
with the kids...
...when Simon's no longer here?
Of course I could do it.
But with the hassles between
Tubbs and Simon...
And Joy and I are hardly buddy-buddy.
It's still a bit strange.
It feels as if one tooth is bigger.
Just don't get it
knocked out again, honey.
There's an egg roll in our microwave.
Your fianc said it was ok.
- Light therapy.
- She's staying for dinner.
Nelson's coming as well.
Expensive hobby, those Cohens.
- So you're getting married?
- Yes, we are.
Who are the lucky brides, then?
Nice sense of humor,
your brother.
Hey bunny slopes, pass the sauce.
Everyone thinks my sister's a slut.
In terms of my role in general,
I think that...
...though it's only a cog in the wheel...
...we should look at the situation
in the coming months...
I think you're mood upgrading.
- I hope it can go further than that.
- It's not about how you feel.
My father's getting sick and dying.
I'm not going to get sick and
want to talk about that.
Get your feet off my table. Get a job!
- I've got one.
- Get another one.
I don't want to spend the rest
of my life as a bonsai.
Remember the cases in
the Cancer Clinic? It's terrible.
I'd rather get the needle...
...than wear diapers.
Oh, man.
Now, that's really personal.
Only you can decide.
Hey, Woodpecker.
Medical science can do wonders.
But not with what I've got...
That's heavy shit.
Officially, it must be a voluntary...
...and well-weighed decision
of your own volition.
And it has to be medically incurable.
Another doctor must approve
your euthanasia.
Samantha, come here.
You'll knock over the shelves and wail.
Tell Sharon what Daddy
bought yesterday.
- Buddha.
- A great big Buddha, right?
Which you can't...
It's four feet tall. I said:
"What's it for?"
But he likes it...
The States has
"involuntary euthanasia".
If you're black and another brother
shoots a cop dead, they're like:
"They all look alike anyway..."
- I don't think blacks look alike.
- No?
No. Your black man is plain butt and
butt ugly, but some are good looking.
I know a few sisters, who, well...
What's "ugly"?
Her husband. He's hideous!
He's so hideous he should report to the
Department of Science as the missing link.
Seriously, Simon. Put your hands here.
- Where?
- Wherever you want...
You're so lucky I'm sick.
- Simon, don't sneak out, will you?
- I'm just an old fart.
No way.
Another lesson tomorrow?
Hey, sweetie.
Be careful, all right?
Coming to my G.P. Tomorrow? 9:30.
I'd like that.
- No problem, Simon.
- Cool.
Guitar lessons!
That girl's nineteen.
So what?
My whole class is creaming for him.
You think Simon's scared, deep down?
I've only seen Simon scared once.
In Thailand.
He was standing above a waterfall and
had to jump for a Vietnam film.
He'd never done that before...
Did he jump in the end?
Of course.
What did you think?
How could I know?
This is a safety net to
prevent an impulsive decision.
So you don't ask for a shot
when you're tanked up.
That sounds logical.
Things might improve after a bad time.
Nothing's predictable.
I'm easily tired
since I lost 25 pounds.
It's a strange idea
that I won't be around anymore.
But you weren't around before you were
born and don't remember a thing.
Blaise Pascal, French philosopher:
"Life is a moment between two eternities."
I'm not the only one who says so.
- No. I heard it.
- Just checkin'.
Next week off to Thailand with the kids.
The girl's got a break.
Back to the roots. Maybe
they'll want to stay when I'm gone.
They've got grandparents and cousins.
Might get their Thai blood flowing.
Blood's just a means of transport.
You are where you grew up.
Yours are posh Amsterdam kids.
They're allergic to trees.
Well, they can choose.
They haven't been there in 3 years.
You should come too, Of course.
You and that butt-buddy of yours.
I can't. I have tons of patients.
It's the last time Simon can go
and he wants me to join him.
Why don't you go to Thailand?
- What was that?
- He's got too much work.
Well, suit yourself.
- I have ways of changing his mind.
- You shit!
Jesus! Idiot!
I'm not wrestling pythons and one beetle
longer than my prick and I'm gone.
Joan Collins takes less baggage
when she emigrates.
If it's a loin-cloth vacation,
I'll just take three thongs.
- Behave yourself there!
- Sure. Tolerance is my trademark.
I said you're getting hitched.
They think my Thai's
got worse or something.
Don't explain it to them.
I'm feeling a little queer...
The coconut milk and Mekong whiskey
can ferment strangely.
Just chuck it up.
I'm not a hard-core puker. It's scary.
Gays are scared of everything.
You want to keep it down?
Stray dogs think it's
a three-star dinner.
They stick their tongues in
and slurp, slurp.
It's a pity he's not here.
I checked on him twice
and he's in a coma.
He can't take much.
No, that's not true.
Is that a Schweizerstein?
- Yes. Bought it at Dubai airport.
- Bram has one, but chrome.
Sure. Fell off a Taiwanese truck?
Hey, there's Bram!
If that's Bram, he's looking better.
Thanks. I'm Gisela.
Are you German?
No, thank God!
How's your beer?
imitates German soccer commentator
I'm going to go give my curly kid
a Thai message with a "Happy Ending".
Auf wiedersehen!
- Keep watch on your father.
- Sure.
- Kiss! Joy want kiss!
- And your drunken sister.
When's the wedding?
Well... April...
we think early April.
So I'll plan my thing in about May.
You can't just plan that.
Who knows how long you'll be okay?
Every week counts.
The hospital said I'd lose
vital functions within 3 months.
- Who knows how long?
- I'd prefer to be a step ahead.
A football player quits
while he's ahead.
If you plan late April,
then I'll go for mid-May.
Sorry, Simon.
I'd rather not link the two.
What?! So my wedding day
fixes the day you die?
Use your fists!
Your fists!
Kids never listen.
Ganz nicht ubel.
Gar nicht ubel.
And in Dutch?
Not bad.
- We're not so important anymore.
- Really!
You're just like Simon
with your boyfriends.
- No I'm not.
- You are, chalkboard.
- Stay out of the hut.
- Who says?
I do!
This is really funny...
Remember Ellen?
- You know why she has one eye?
- A Turk came in it.
- Tunisian.
- A Turk.
I bet you 10 euros.
Hand it over. I know he was Tunisian.
Up the tree, phoney Thai.
You saw how it's done.
Go grab a coconut for your old man.
Show me the Thai in your blood!
Yeah, whatever.
It's so strange for me to see your
father in such a good mood...
...knowing that he'll be gone by May 10.
What do you mean, May 10?
That is when he's going to...
I thought you already...
May 10 - that's three months!
That doesn't mean that it'll happen.
He might still feel fine then.
- Once Simon sets his mind to it...
- Of course not.
Simon wants to stay with us.
Especially you...
...and your ugly brother.
He told that stupid bitch first.
I wouldn't make an issue out of it.
That's not the point.
Let's not make tissues over it.
No, let's not make tissues!
No euthanasia.
- Keine...
- I understood you.
More time would just
make it easier for me...
...and Nelson as well.
So if Simon...
...was less Simon as he gets sicker...'d be easier for you
because it'd be in stages.
Less hard.
Less sudden.
Simon! Your breakfast.
We're landing in an hour and a half.
Not quite awake yet?
I'm not feeling so spic and span.
You want something to eat?
I need to think about it.
Don't eat airline food. Almost home.
We'll get a snack from the bakery.
- "Selfish" is different. He's her father.
- And he'll do what he wanted to avoid!
And it'll get a lot worse.
Quiet... or he'll wake up.
Not with half a pharmacy
down his throat.
- But it's his choice in the end.
- No, it's not.
If you say so, he won't do it.
You know that.
You want him to be a vegetable
at the end?
Yeah, go on and cry.
Am I really such a stupid bitch?
I'm the stupid bitch.
I forgot to get the coffee.
You're anything but a stupid bitch.
One more thing.
Is there some drug...
...that would make things
a little easier for him?
- Prednisone isn't working, is it?
- No.
That's a pity. It works for 99%.
What about spliffs?
Normal, I guess. Nothing extreme.
A few joints can help at this stage.
- He doesn't need a prescription.
- No.
It's a bummer.
People see you half alive.
So embarrassing.
Hey, Simon?
What's up, doll?
Something is bothering me.
The fact that the decision
about the euthanasia...
...that you have more or less
left it to Joy...
I don't think that's right.
She made it clear that she couldn't
handle the injection. So, no shot.
But I think that would be even
harder on her.
She feels like she has your fate
in her hands.
I'm going to die anyway, right?
I'm a walking tumor.
We all die one day...
What if she suddenly says
"Go on, do it"?
She'd blame herself if you went earlier
than if she had stuck to her decision.
And if she continues to oppose it...
...she'll feel guilty as you suffer.
It should always remain your choice.
Even if you decide not to do it.
If it were my choice,
I'd go through with it.
But it is your choice!
Yours and yours alone... fact.
Friday won't do! Half my
mother's side will be at Shabbat!
No! Thursday evening is shit.
Everyone has to work next day.
Thursday. Has to be.
Fine. Have it your own way.
Go get dolled up!
It's set for the 25th, Simon. Thursday.
Ok. So I'll keep the tenth. May 10.
We talked about it all morning.
- You're absolutely sure.
- Absolutely.
Does Joy know?
She went to Appelscha with her guy.
I'll tell her tonight.
I'm not looking forward to it.
She's a grown woman, Simon.
You forget that.
Bruce, you're driving the parrot crazy!
I'll tug your ear off!
You don't listen, so don't need it.
Something completely different.
As you know, we're getting married.
And I wanted to ask you
if you'd be my witness...
Like: "It was them, your honor.
I saw them behind the bushes.
"Committing unnatural acts.
"Lock 'em up!"
Something like that.
And then you sign your name and then...
Would you?
- He's really touched. See that?
- Well, "touched"?
I'm honored. I am.
You are?
How lovely, Simon.
Yeah, it is.
Christ. We're closed, alright?
I think it's Joy.
What are you doing?
It's over a month away, Edith Bunker.
Just making a general list.
- I'm going to bed.
- Sweet dreams.
You guys going to bed?
Technically, yes.
But I can always change my plans.
- The twenty-fifth?
- Yes.
We'll go find you a nice suit.
I want something vulgar.
A suit that says "Here I am!"
No, you need a subtle suit.
But with a loud tie.
I have to educate you a bit.
I'm going to fashion school.
Don't need exit exams for that.
Forget graduation.
I wouldn't pass anyway.
How was your talk with Simon?
But I can't talk about it now.
We'll just watch some TV, okay?
We can talk about
your wedding party.
You in a dress.
That would be funny?
It's stupid.
Stupid? Me in a dress? Great idea.
I've worn one.
Bram was in shock.
I'd borrowed a Chanel from a friend.
All made up like a woman.
I came home at four a.m.
You should've seen Bram's face!
I didn't make it to the toilet.
So embarrassing.
We'll clean it up, don't worry.
- No reason to be ashamed.
- Go fuck yourself.
Don't you clean up your own puke?
Leave me alone.
A day before your party, too.
I'm losing it here.
You'll be there, buddy.
One way or another.
Or we'll have a satellite link
and a big screen.
I'd zap to another channel...
Just a little slip, man.
Simon, do you usually take
50 or 100 mg?
The box is over there.
Yes, it's 100. Should he take it
more often or increase the dosage?
This is my last night
in the house where I was raised
my girlhood went so quickly
still have to get used to "Mrs"
everything will be different soon
"goodbye" is a bit painful
I know it when I shut my eyes
tomorrow I'll be the bride
the time flies by
a bird leaves the nest
tomorrow I'll be the bride
it'll be a sleepless night
in the house where I was raised
Daddy thank you
you're a love
I had a great childhood
mother sweet
you gaze at me and laugh
but I still see a tear
I'm still your child
it doesn't change
I'll be the bride
A monkey with a golden ring
will always be an ugly thing.
It's just so perfect.
You people are always good at that.
Always? This is my first wedding.
You know what I mean.
- Hey.
- Hey, Simon.
- How are we doing?
- Oh, man, it's such a rush.
I'm heading out soon.
I feel a bit droopy now and then.
I think it's fantastic that you came.
Joy is really fond of you.
Well... that's nice to hear.
I've been thinking about it for a while...
As you may know...
But it would be fantastic if you...
if you guys could sort of
half-adopt the kids or something...
Or completely...
You're married now, so you can.
The girl's grown up,
but the boy...
I don't know if you and Bram want to...
but the kids would love it.
- Camiel, we're leaving...
- Thanks darling.
Christ, Simon. A bolt from the blue.
It's also a strange moment, of course.
I've got another present for you.
I saw that coming.
I didn't. At least not as a real option.
My first instinct is: Do it.
But you have to think about it,
200 times over.
First instincts are closest
to your feelings.
- You know what it involves?
- Yes. All kinds of things.
All kinds of things... and more.
"We had kids right
after our wedding."
- Think it over a little longer.
- But not too long.
Hey, Patch Adams.
How's the honeymoon?
Spare the details.
We've been in it for years now.
You're quiet, old man.
No more than usual.
It's just that when I came in,
I suddenly thought...
That I was dying?
No way.
Every night's a dress rehearsal.
I lie on my back and
put on a terminal grin.
Little Cohen comes and
lies next to me.
Top of the world.
The future doesn't exist.
Sometimes we're happier
than we ever were.
Now is what matters.
We're too focused on past and future
when now's all that counts.
You thought that up yourself?
I can quote you, can't I?
Heavy, isn't it?
You can't do nothing about it.
If only you could.
I'll make coffee.
Simon spoke to me today about
the money. The inheritance.
A lot is as black as tar,
so you can't really put it on paper.
And the funeral will be expensive.
We found him a nice spot
in a graveyard by the River Amstel.
And we'll get something.
And of course a lot goes to the kids.
And fifty-grand to Save the Apes.
By "we", you mean...
You, me... Ellen, Marco.
I know it's strange to get money
because someone's died.
I don't even need it.
I could put it in the bank for Bruce.
Do you ever think, when you see him,
that it's a little soon?
For euthanasia?
Two tumors are fusing in his throat.
If he waits, he'll suffocate.
All these time-bombs are
ticking and can't be stopped.
I'm going to miss you guys.
Well, "miss".
I guess I wouldn't notice.
Kind of practical, actually.
Hand me those bowls.
Or I'll have to walk the wok.
Bram... I can't really eat those kiwis.
My throat won't take them.
I should have told you earlier. You spent
all day at the stove in your nice shirt.
Someone will eat them.
Can you sign sometime this week?
For the big event.
- Event?
- The euthanasia.
It's like a wedding,
but different.
It's not official, more symbolic.
If I can't decide for myself, at
least there'd be something on paper.
On one condition, and that is...
I talked to Sharon...
She told me that you wanted
to help me out financially...
I don't want you to.
Absolutely not.
Then you get jack.
I'll leave you jack shit.
Just leave it to
"Save the Nile Elephants".
Nice, Camiel.
Nile elephants don't exist.
But there is the Stubborn Homo Charity.
If he's asleep then leave it.
I'll come back another time.
Yeah, but he wakes up
I'll have a look.
Camiel and Bram will adopt us.
So I heard. Do you get along with 'em...
I don't dare bring it up.
Dying is the most
private thing there is.
Just a hug by the door
would be terrible.
Maybe he only wants
Sharon and the kids there.
I realize it's not about me.
A little self-centeredness
rearing its ugly head.
If the euthanasia has to wait a week...
...I'll dissolve all by myself.
You look fine, doll.
I hope it's not windy tomorrow
or I'll be blown into the North Sea.
A nice way to die, drowning.
You see colors.
That's just adrenaline.
You'll be here tomorrow?
I will.
And in the evening?
- Yes. Cos tonight there's soccer.
- Yes!
Say: "Your hair looks nice."
- Um... your hair looks nice.
- Yeah...
Wanna fuck?
Not bad, eh?
Love your white trousers...
Wanna fuck?
- We fucked, didn't we?
- Yeah.
- We did too.
- I didn't like that.
Me neither.
Me neither.
So. Finished.
- All better?
- Yes.
- Wanna fuck?
- Yes.
I'm going to my house for a shower.
Back in an hour.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
- Jesus, Bram, I can't handle it today.
- You have to.
Sometimes you have to, Camiel.
You have to be there for him.
You know what I miss?
It's really stupid... the rituals.
Some God I can kick.
How d'you think the kids feel?
It's even harder for them.
We'll love them, right?
Of course we're going to love them.
We're good at it.
You probably more than me.
- You don't want them to see you like that.
- Camiel can.
Camiel can.
You're lucky.
You've got three fathers:
Me, Camiel and Bram.
They'll just saw off Bram's nuts
and make him into a mother.
A really ugly mother.
Death doesn't make any difference.
You know what I mean, Cohen?
Come on, time to eat.
Or Hassan cooked for nothing.
It was truly a great day.
You guys had a lot of luck
with the weather.
And that you're all here.
I'm lucky anyway.
I'm one lucky bastard.
Hey now, cry baby.
What time is it?
Doesn't matter. Time doesn't exist.
That's a good one. Time doesn't exist.
I'll remember that one.
It'll be all right, Cohen.
No, because soon
you won't be here any more.
You think so?
There's still a little Simon in you.
I'm a little early, I think.
Well. Time doesn't exist, right?
We just determined
that time does not exist.
- How was the beach today?
- Super.
Everything was perfect.
The weather...
Today's the day, Camiel.
Days are getting longer.
That's May.
In June it stays light until 10:30.
You know, this day hung over me
like that sword of Damascus.
You're going bald... Old fag!
You can talk, bristle-head.
We're ready. So, if you...
Right of way, man...
All my life, that nutter's
been in the way.
Oh boy...
It's the Paralympics over here.
This arm, then?
Yeah, I don't know.
I'm a bit dazed from the morphine.
But I'm feeling okay...
Today must have tired you out.
Is it quick?
It's quick.
Stupid, no? That I never asked
how quickly it would go.
This will be a little unpleasant.
Oh, I'm no wimp.
Kinda high, isn't it...
Translation: Sara Bobkoff,
Jorrit van Laar, Martin Cleaver