Small Time Crooks (2000) Movie Script

May I help you?
I'm looking for a box of chocolates.
Something fancy, if you have it.
- Is it for a gift?
- Yeah. I want something fancy...
...and not too rich because she tends
to put on a little blubber, the wife.
- Uh-huh.
- Around the thighs.
What about this one?
It's really nice. It's kind of rich.
- It's from Belgium.
- From Belgium?
- It's very pretty.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Frenchy, I'm home!
- Who's that?
"Who's that?" It's the pope!
- I always wanted to see your apartment.
- Shh.
- Who comes home every night? Me.
- I'm watching Princess Diana.
Not again! How many times
you gonna do that?
Look at those clothes.
I told you time and again,
she got all that stuff discount.
You think those kings and queens
buy retail? It's a known...
- Here, I got you some chocolates.
- Chocolates?
You heard of chocolates?
I got you chocolates.
- How come?
- What do you mean, "How come?"
These are from Belgium.
They're handmade by "Belgiumites."
Tell it to the marines!
You're up to something.
You get caught
hitting on a waitress?
In 25 years of marriage,
have I ever hit on anybody but you?
I don't buy it, Ray.
You got a scheme. You got a scheme!
Forget it! Get me dinner.
They're not for you.
- I got you nothing. Just get me dinner.
- Fine.
I want my dinner right now,
and hurry up.
Before you make dinner,
I gotta talk to you about something.
What did I tell you?
Here comes the commercial.
- Frenchy, I need our 6,000 bucks.
- What?
- I gotta have our six G's.
- That's our whole savings.
- Don't get dramatic about it.
- Ray, six G's. That's all we got, right?
I got a brilliant idea.
I'm gonna make us rich.
How you gonna make us rich?
Rob a bank?
How'd you know that?
How'd you guess that?
First shot out of the box,
you got it.
Is that why Tommy Beal's coming over?
And Denny?
What would you say
if I told you...
...that you were married
to a very brilliant man?
- I'd say I'd have to be a bigamist.
- This is foolproof.
You told me you were finished
with that life.
I've been finished with it.
But look at me.
I kick around
from stupid job to job.
- You like the way we're living?
- It beats your former residence.
Think I like spending our anniversary
staring at you through glass...
...talking over a phone?
Frenchy, you stood by me.
Granted, you stood by me.
Two years in the joint I waited for you.
And what did I get for it?
You got Belgian chocolates.
What's wrong with that?
God, I've got an idea
and this is so incredible.
But we need seed money for this plan.
We need 18,000 bucks.
Denny's kickin' in six, Tommy's kickin'
in six, and I gotta put in my six.
- Where are those bums gonna get
that kind of stake? -They're not bums.
- Maybe they didn't go to Harvard.
- Harvard?
They never completed kindergarten
because they were drafted.
You're such a snob, Frenchy.
For God's sakes! Denny's not
stupid'cause he drives a truck.
No, he's stupid because he has
a low I.Q. Come on, out of the way.
- Oh, I'd like to just flatten you once!
- Oh, yeah.
Tommy's got street smarts.
He is street smart.
His brain's got potholes.
You with the wisecracks!
She's got an answer for everything.
Forget it!
I'm not spending our last few bucks!
I got my end.
I told you I could match you.
You overmatched him.
He can't get his end.
I've gotta have that money!
For a heist? Pass. Maybe
if you needed a quadruple bypass.
- This is a brilliant thing!
- No, Ray really is a genius!
- Compared to you this chair is a genius.
- This is a plan of a great mind.
This is precise, mathematical. It's hard
to believe you're just a dishwasher.
Thank you.
I don't get your "agreeance" on this,
I count to three, there's gonna be trouble.
You can count to 53! I did a lot of nails
for that money, and it's all we got.
- That's what you want to do all your
life? Nails? -Take a hike, okay?
- I'm telling you, I'm countin'.
- Oh, yeah?
- If I lose it, you're gone.
- Oh, I'm quaking in my panty hose.
You're embarrassing me
in front of my friends.
- Who said you could have my cookies?
- I can't have a cookie?
- What's up?
- Did you get your share?
My share of what?
Yeah, I got it. I sold some stuff.
- What'd you sell?
- A rented car.
- He can't get his end. She won't give
it to him. - I can get my end!
The candy didn't work? You said you'd
have her eatin' out of your hand.
Will you shut up?
All that's missing from this guy
is a piece of velvet and a pet mouse.
Frenchy, gimme the money.
I wouldn't invest our last six thou
if you had a legit idea...
...much less something that's gonna
land the three of you jerks back in stir.
You said you called the shots
around here.
Will you knock it off!
Frenchy, that money's mine.
It's mine. I earned it,
and I'm saving it for an emergency.
- But I'm your husband.
- Oh, take a hike.
I'm gonna get violent!
Please! With your hernia?
Fellas, I can't do it.
It's over. Forget it.
You said you're the boss.
Stop telling me what I said,
for crying out loud!
It's over. Let the bank lay there.
Let someone else do it.
- I gotta get some air. I'm going up
on the roof. - Don't jump!
- You're too valuable as a dishwasher.
- Ah, knock it off!
- Frenchy, can I have another cookie?
- No!
I want one.
All right, tell me your idea.
I told you my idea.
You shot it down.
- You gonna tell me, or are you gonna
have a tantrum? -For God's sakes!
For some reason you're always
shooting down my dreams.
Because you get
the kind of dreams people get...
...after putting opium
in their brownies.
Can I for one minute
tell you about this bank?
You're not a bank robber.
You got a two-year mandatory
vacation that proved that.
What I'm not is a stickup man.
That's all we proved.
When I hit that bank that time,
we were inexperienced.
The whole group of us
put on rubber masks.
They were all Ronald Reagan masks.
It was confusing.
I didn't know who was who.
You're lucky your lawyer
knew the judge.
Can I please tell you
my idea, Frenchy?
I noticed a few weeks ago,
a couple doors down from the bank...
...there's a pizza joint
that folded.
A little hole in the wall. And it's
for rent, Frenchy. It's for rent.
Then it hits me.
And, believe me, I'm no genius.
You don't have to sell me.
What I figure is,
we tunnel under.
We take the pizza joint, tunnel under,
we come up under the vault of the bank.
I know the layout 'cause I used to
know a guard. I got diagrams!
We clean out the vault,
we go to Florida.
Ray, we're poor
but we're happy, ain't we?
We're not happy.
You're always complaining.
Are you happy doing cuticles? Is that
the way you want to spend your life?
My mother told me. She said, "Don't get
involved with a guy from the rackets."
What's wrong with you? We had dreams.
I don't know what's gotten into you.
- Did we not have dreams when
I first met you? -Yeah.
Yes, granted, I was in the rackets.
I was running numbers.
You were an exotic dancer. We fell
in love, your parents didn't approve.
I tried to go legit. I couldn't
make a go of the pet cemetery.
What do you want me to do?
But, but...
Frenchy, this pizza place is
Just waiting for us.
It's gonna look suspicious, a group
of guys drilling in an empty store.
That's where you come in.
You front the place.
- What?
- You front it. You make pizzas.
With what?
I can't cook pizzas.
Cook cookies!
What's the difference?
Or you tell fortunes. You look like
a Gypsy. Or make it a travel agency.
You work there, and we'll
tunnel under into the bank.
- God.
- Frenchy, come here, come here.
- See this? See how beautiful this is?
- Yeah.
See what you're seeing there?
It's not just New Jersey.
When we first met, there was a sunset
just like this. Remember that?
Yeah. In New Jersey. But in Columbia
there was an earthquake.
Sorry, but the location
was taken by someone else.
They made a deal yesterday.
I told you, if you waited too long...
Who did?
Who took the place?
You got the name?
Mrs. Nettie Goldberg.
Jesus! For what?
I believe a flower shop.
A flower shop!
It's a little old lady.
Her husband died, and she wants to
make the joint into a flower shop.
- That don't make no difference. Somebody's got
to get to her. - To get to her and what?
Beg her, con her, trick her.
I'm gonna go to her shop
and threaten her.
- You can't threaten her. That's all we need...
- Don't do that.
- I gotta figure a way to talk to her.
- And say what?
If her husband just died, what
are you gonna say? You need a plan.
I gotta figure something.
I'll charm her.
- What are you gonna use for charm?
- Knock it off. We're serious.
Some master plan.
You don't even have the lease.
I'm gonna get the lease.
That's what this is about.
You guys are gonna rob a bank, and some old
lady has the joint first. What a hoot.
- That's very funny.
- I'm gonna slam your head off. Jesus!
- Hey!
The bank isn't even
next to the pizza joint.
I told you that before.
That's what's great about it.
'Cause there's nothing suspicious.
The only thing suspicious
is your sanity.
When did any of you guys
dig a tunnel?
It's no big deal.
You really underestimate
Ray's personality.
He's one of the most likable dishwashers
I've ever met.
Don't pay any attention to her.
We're gonna proceed.
- Uh...
- Yeah?
I'm lookin'
for Nettie Goldberg.
- Who wants her?
- Uh, I got something for her.
I want to make her an offer.
A big offer. Big dough. Big dough!
Come on in.
- I'm Nettie Goldberg.
- I know you.
You're Benny
from cell block eight!
- Oh, God, Ray! How are you?
- Ray!
- You're lookin' at me like I'm a stranger.
- Small world! I'm sorry.
Come in. Small world.
You took the lease
on that empty store?
Yeah. I'm gonna open
a flower shop.
What're you gonna do
with a flowershop?
Burn it down.
Burnit down? You're still
burning stuff down for insurance?
I burn everything. That's how I
sent two kids through college.
That's crazy.
There's no money in that.
Benny, you gotta come in
with us.
- Who's "us"?
- "Who's us"? What are you so suspicious for?
You don't trust me?
It's me, Ray.
- Remember my nick name in the joint?
- The Brain?
The Brain. That's what
the guys used to call me. I got...
But, Ray,
that was sarcastic.
- That wasn't sarcastic, that was real.
- No, it was sarcastic.
- There was nothing sarcastic about it!
- No, really, it was.
- It was real. I was The Brain.
- No, it was sarcastic.
- It wasn't sarcastic.
- Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
It was sarcastic!
- Fellas, this is Benny. He's in.
- Benny? Looks like a cop to me.
- How you doin'?
- Good. Nice to meet you.
- You know you're workin' with a genius?
- I told him that.
I mean, we're all smart,
but he wears glasses.
- What's good? Pine, right?
- Oak.
Redwood is what woodpeckers peck on.
It's the strongest.
- That makes good trees, right?
- Yeah.
This looks good.
This is good stuff.
Look how long it is.
We could build a house with this.
- We're just building a tunnel, right?
- Whoa, whoa.
- Like a house. This is good stuff.
- A house, yeah.
How much is that?
- A thousand bucks.
- A thousand bucks a box! Jesus!
- How many sticks in a box?
- Fifty.
My God, this is robbery.
This is unbelievable.
What do we need
all this dynamite for?
What do we need the dynamite for?
Just be careful...
- Ahh.
- Can I have one of these and one of these?
- Uh, okay. One of these?
- Mm-hmm.
- One of these. Okay. You want a bag?
- No, that's okay.
- I haven't got a bag. You'll
take'em like this? -That's fine.
It's gonna be
a lot of work, fellas.
But when it's over, we're gonna
be all very well compensated.
- Who's gonna work the drill?
- What do you mean?
I don't know how
to work a drill like that.
There's nothing to that.
Whoever's gonna work the drill,
I'll tell you now...'s gonna make a lot of noise.
No, no.
What do you think this is?
This is why I get the big dough. We
wrap this blanket around it, it's fine.
You gotta know how to work
a drill like that.
Whoa, take it easy.
Shut it off.
Will you guys shut up?
What did you do, tear a wall down?
- We ain't started yet.
- What do you mean?
What are you waiting for,
the drilling season?
Do me a favor.
Go upstairs and bake.
You know, I...
I don't need any help.
- You got it?
- No. You better brace me.
Guys! What are you doing?
Come on, get that thing!
Get that thing!
You got it?
Okay, hold it.
Could we have a half dozen
of the chocolate cinnamon?
We're closed... for Easter.
- That was three months ago.
- Greek Easter.
- Well, that was two months ago.
- Chinese Easter! We're closed, okay?
I'd like a cookie for my daughter.
Honey, what kind do you want?
All right! Come on, have a cookie.
Sure, take a cookie.
- How you doin'?
- Oh, hi.
- You still open?
- Yeah, yeah, sure. Sure.
- Give me two cherry cinnamon.
- Cherry cinnamon, right.
- New here, huh?
- Just opened today, yeah.
What's all that noise in the back?
Oh, that's the, uh, cookie press.
Needs oil, you know.
- There's a slight leak.
- This is our plumber.
- I'm the plumber. There's a tiny leak.
- How's it goin'?
- What do I owe you?
- Oh, no charge.
- Thanks a lot. Take it easy.
- I gotta get some sandbags.
The cookies,
they're 85 cents.
- Somebody get the sandbags.
- Just relax. You're a perfect fit.
- Where the hell are the sandbags?
- Just relax!
Okay, so we got off
to a shaky start.
I'd say it was shaky.
There's gonna be glitches.
No question about it. So what?
bring a bathing suit.
I'm not discouraged
'cause I don't get discouraged.
You know, there was a woman on before.
She's got over 200 pairs of shoes.
Don't worry. You're gonna get yours,
Frenchy. I promise you.
You're gonna be fine. This time,
a month or two, we'll be in Miami.
It'll be great.
A patron of the arts.
Doesn't that sound great?
- Frenchy...
- Opening night at the opera.
I love you. Can I tell you this?
I love you.
You know why? 'Cause you back me
all the time, you stand by me.
You know when I first knew
I loved you?
This was a long time ago.
Remember I taught you how to open
a safe by moving the tumblers?
And you got it.
You're a very romantic man.
And I'm a lucky woman...
...because not many wives
get to see their husbands...
...battling a ruptured water main.
- I'm crazy about you.
- Crazy about you, darling.
- Here, Benny.
- Go ahead, put it in the bag.
- I'll give it to you...
- He puts it in the bag!
- Right, so it don't make no noise.
- This is efficiency.
What the hell... What are you
putting it in his shovel for?
- He puts it in the bag.
- It's call efficiency, my friend.
- Teamwork.
- It saves energy.
I've got chocolate chip here.
I'll take a chocolate chip.
- The little girl was first.
What do you want? -Chocolate fudge.
You can only have two.
- What are you stopping for?
- I'm trying to figure this out.
I think, according to this,
we're supposed to take a left turn.
That doesn't mean stop.
Let's go.
Will you give me...
What the hell are you doing?
- What do you mean?
- You've got your hat on backwards.
"So?" The flashlight
goes in the front.
It looks cooler like this.
Are you a jerk?
What do you mean it looks cooler?
It's more stylish than that.
Look at that.
- You think so?
- Yeah. Turn it around.
This is chic like this.
Look at that. That's cool.
- You got a mirror?
- I don't got a mirror. That looks good.
- Look at yourself. I'll show you
when we get out. - All right.
- Can you keep going?
- All right! I'm trying to figure the map out!
One? Two?
Okay, everybody, hold on.
That's $1.70. Thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you. Okay, yeah.
What are you guys
gonna do with your share?
How much is my share?
I figure it's gotta be
two million, right?
I'm countin' the jewelry
in there too.
Then divided four ways,
that's a half million bucks apiece.
- What about Frenchy?
- What about Frenchy? She's just a front.
But with out Frenchy we're dead.
We can get any broad
to sell cookies. Jeez.
I say she gets a share,
but not a full share.
I'd go for that.
What if we each get a fourth
and she gets like a third?
Are you nuts?
Then she'd be getting more than us.
- How do you figure? -Where you
gonna get four fourths and a third?
- Can't you add?
- I don't do fractions.
Let's not get greedy. Remember
that movie with Humphrey Bogart...
...when they're diggin'
for gold in the mountains?
They find the gold
and they all get rich.
Then this guy goes nuts and he turns
on his friends. Let's not let that happen here.
Then he gets killed
by Hispanics.
- What is it? The Treasure of...
- Treasure Island.
- Treasure Island! That's right. That was
a good movie. - It was the best.
Okay, folks,
here's the deal.
I'm out of cookies, okay?
It's gonna be
like another two minutes... that's the way
the cookie crumbles, okay?
I got one cookie left.
You know who's gonna eat this? Me.
I gotta put on help.
- Help?
- Yeah. I can't handle the volume.
A second person
you wanna put on?
I can't help it, Ray.
The cookies are selling.
Gee, I never counted on that.
You know, you gotta manage it somehow.
What about my cousin May?
We can trust her.
May's a dodo. I'm gonna bring
a dodo into a master plan?
She's not a squealer.
She's not a squealer,
but then we'd have to cut her in.
Meanwhile, the pot's getting
smaller and smaller.
I can't cook and sell
at the same time.
It's a madhouse.
We'll get caught.
Hey, wait a minute.
You know what we could do?
We could hire May and
not tell her what we're doin'.
'Cause she'll never catch on.
She's got, you know... And, and...
- We're making enough dough from the
cookies to pay her. - Absolutely!
We give her a small salary. She'll never
figure out or catch wise to anything.
Because if you think
Denny and Tommy are slow...
...your cousin May is dumb
like a horse, or dog or something.
Well, maybe it's not
such a great idea.
No, I think we could do it.
- Where are we? Right here?
- We're supposed to be here.
Excuse me. Where's the sugar?
Frenchy wants more sugar.
May, stop bothering us.
We're busy.
I just don't understand
about the drilling.
I told you. Business is good.
We're expanding.
We're expanding a little restaurant
and tea shop... people could eat the cookies
and drink tea.
Ah. Where are they gonna drink the tea?
In the tunnel?
I'd explain it to you,
but you gotta understand engineering.
- What's engineering?
- May, do me a favor, will you?
Business is good, we're expanding.
That's all you gotta know.
How can you expand?
There's a nail shop next door.
- We made a deal with them.
- So you're expanding into the nail shop.
May, get your stuff.
You want the sugar?
Take a hike.
Get the sugar and go. We'll call you.
This broad's big trouble.
I'm tellin'you.
- You think it's safe having that strange
broad here? -Don't worry, she's harmless.
I think we made a wrong turn. I don't
think we're still headed to the bank.
- Please. Gimme the map.
- What are you talking about?
For God's sakes.
This is fine. I don't know what
you're all in a dither about.
You're holding it
upside down.
I am?
You were reading this map
upside down all along?
Get off my back! Can I help it
if they print these things like this?
Thank you very much.
I gotta get another plate
of the cherry...
- Can I help you? Next?
- I'm coming right back.
- Can I get two cherry cinnamon?
- Two cherry cinnamon.
- How you doin'?
- We're doing something right.
- Next.
- Sure. Two cherry cinnamon.
- You're new here, huh?
- Not really. This is my first day.
Let me tell you something. These are
the greatest cookies I ever tasted.
- Really? You know, we're expanding.
- No kiddin'?
Yeah. There's some guys
in the back working now.
- We got a tunnel under the nail shop.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Did you try the pecan fudge?
- We were just talking about what an
instant success this place is. - Yes.
- I was telling him about the restaurant.
- What restaurant?
The tea room. You know, the guys in
the back tunneling for the tea room...
- Under the nail shop?
- What are you talking about?
- The tea room in the back.
- May, come and serve these people!
We're at the Sunset Bake Shop
where the lines wait patiently...
...for what some people are calling the
most fabulous cookie treat in New York.
What the hell is goin' on here?
And you are the heart and soul
of Sunset Cookies.
- Miss, uh...
- Frenchy Winkler.
My real name's Frances
but everybody calls me Frenchy.
As one stands here,
one can inhale the aroma...
My God!
...of hot chocolate, cinnamon, fresh cherries
and a dozen other mouthwatering taste treats.
Is it true customers wait on line
for half an hour for a single cookie?
- That you've had to ration sales?
- Yeah, it happened like once.
But what're you making
all the fuss about?
Tell us. Where did you learn
the rare secret of your baking?
Well, I don't know.
It's the only thing I can cook.
That and linguini
with turkey meatballs.
Sir, how would you describe
your cookie?
Oh, I don't know.
It's baked with nutmeg or something.
- I just know it's great.
- And I just want to say that we're expanding.
- There are men in the back now tunneling...
- No, no, May! Get back...
I can't take this, Frenchy.
We don't want this kind of attention.
Don't look at me! I didn't hire
a publicity agent. They just showed up!
I know, but it's really
putting us in the toilet.
I can't concentrate. There's people
up there demanding cookies every day.
And today Denny got bit by a rat.
We had to give him rabies shots.
- Who, the rat?
- Very funny. You should be on TV.
I am! Open your eyes!
- Frenchy, I don't like this.
- Come on! You've been digging for weeks!
When you gonna get some where?
How much longer is it gonna take?
It's complicated!
We keep getting lost.
The other day I was deep
in the tunnel, my hat went out.
- That stupid coal miner's hat?
- That's right.
It's a lifesaver, that hat.
That bulb.
We'd have done better just with
a cookie store. We're making good dough.
"Making good dough." It's
a cookie store, but we're making dough.
That's very... It's a cookie store.
We're making dough...
I get it, I get it.
I knew we were going
the wrong way. I knew it!
- What the hell we doin' in a dress shop?
- Your fault, you got the maps.
At least it's a Sunday. We can
patch this up and get out of here.
- How we gonna patch it up?
- We tile it and we get out.
- Hello! I'm not a tiler.
- We don't have any tiles.
Where do you get cement
in the middle of a dress shop?
Besides, Brain, how are we going
to close the hole and tile it?
We're inside the store.
How do we get out?
Well, you tile... He's got a point.
You can't tile this from the other side.
- No kidding.
- No, you can't.
This is very discouraging, guys.
- I'm ready to pack this in.
- Everybody freeze!
Hey, Ray, your wife's cousin
talks too much.
Sorry to spoil
your expansion plans, fellas.
Officer, listen to me.
We didn't do anything yet. Yes,
it's true, we were gonna rob the bank.
But we screwed up everything,
except for the cookie shop.
The cookie shop's doing great
for some reason. You like the cookies.
Let us forget everything we were gonna
do and concentrate on the cookie store.
Look, I'm not here trying to ruin
anybody's life, okay?
Then give us a break.
Think I could get
a little piece of the action?
Yeah. I'm not opposed
to paying off the cops.
It's a standard
business expense.
That's the thing. I don't want you
to think of it as a payoff.
I think I'm qualified
to make what I believe... a major contribution
to this enterprise.
My brother-in-law
majored in business.
Let us hear this contribution,
all right?
- One word.
- Yeah? And that word is?
We got about 600 trucks.
And, you know,
we're all over the country, and Canada.
We make a lot of different cookies. Whatever
you want. We got pistachio, pretzels.
We make chicken chip cookies,
tuna mint.
Virtually overnight, the Winklers
and their associates...
...have gone from a small, modest
mom and pop cookie shop... something approaching
a baking empire.
This is where
we package everything.
And what we do is...
The cookies have
a wonderful smell, a fresh smell.
And that's all put on with
a chemical spray. We do that over here.
There's no denying that he's
refreshingly down to Earth...
...for a corporate executive.
So offbeat, in fact,
that Sunset Farms...
...has captured the imagination
of the public and the industry.
We wanted to find out
what the competition thinks.
So we went to Paul Milton
of American Cookies.
The bottom line is,
they make a really great product.
You have what the public wants, and
everything else takes care of itself.
- This is your office?
- This is pretty much where I operate.
Frenchy decorated this place.
You can tell.
She's got, uh,
all her stuff here.
This is an antique,
you know.
She says it's, like,
Louis XIV or Louis XV.
It's, uh... I don't know how high
the Louises go, actually.
But it's a top Louis.
It's one of the...
Frenchy stuck a TV in it,
you know, because she's got a creative...
- She's a creative decorator.
- It's very original.
- Um, how much are you worth?
- Oh, plenty, plenty.
- I mean, how much? Just between you and me.
- A lot.
We're worth a lot of dough.
What ever you see is antiques.
This thing here.
This if from...
I don't remember exactly. It think it's the
Renaissance or the Magna Carta or something.
But that's where it's from.
Why did you decide to go
into baking so late in life?
Well, Frenchy, we found out,
can make cookies.
The Frenchy they're talking about...
...and reigning culinary genius
of Sunset... - Hello. Frances Fox, who happens
to be the wife of the C.E.O.
So you made cookies
your whole life...
...and everybody told you
how delicious they were.
- Yeah. I thought they were "B.S. ing"
me, you know? -Really?
Yeah. Somebody gives you something
they cooked, you always say you enjoyed it...
...even if it makes you throw up
after wards, so, you know...
In a day and age where everyone seems
to have public relations handlers...'s hard to imagine
a corporate brain trust...
...that is more direct and less image
conscious than the group here at Sunset Farms.
In fact, each person we met seemed
to be more eccentric than the last.
Like Tommy Walker,
the chairman of the board.
Frenchy makes the best cookies in the
world. We're very proud of her cookies.
What are your duties
as chairman of the board?
The board meets once or twice a week,
and we take up important issues.
- Issues?
- Yeah. Facts, problems.
Things like that.
Normal stuff.
What kind of problems does an overnight
success like Sunset Farms face?
What kind of problems? Last week the
toilet on the fourth floor wouldn't flush.
It flushed, but the water
kept coming to the top.
So the board voted
on getting a plumber.
One of the architects of Sunset Farms's
unorthodox marketing strategy... the head of advertising, Denny
Doyle, a former truck driver.
Was it you who came up with
the idea to advertise baked goods... Playboy, Penthouse
and Hustler Magazine?
I figured if a guy's staring
at a naked piece of tail...
...and he sees the breasts and legs,
he's gonna start to salivate.
It's human nature.
So if he's salivating...
...he turns the page and
comes across a picture of, say,
...our pistachio cream cookies.
He thinks maybe that's why
he's drooling. You understand?
It's psychology.
It's science.
It's like Pablo's Theory, you know,
with the dog when he feeds him?
- Pablo?
- Pablo, with the dogs.
Then there's ex-police
officer Ken Deloach...
in charge of distribution.
And Ben Jamin Borkowski, vicepresident
in charge of plant safety.
First thing I did was make sure
the building was fireproof.
And lest they be accused
of being a mostly male club...
May Sloan is in charge of public
relations and also physical therapy.
I understand
public relations.
But physical therapy?
All the chocolate chips
are put in the cookies by hand.
And that's really hard on the back
and leg muscles. I do deep massage.
By the way,
she's also a vice president.
So there you have it. A brief glimpse
into a corporate culture...
...that has industry leaders and management
analysts all over the country...
...scratching their heads, trying to figure
out what Sunset Farms might try next.
It may be as simple as what Paul Milton,
the Winklers' chief competitor said: . .
"If you've got something
the American public wants...
...everything else
falls into place."
Or as we in television
might say...
"There's no accounting
for the public's taste."
Okay, keep coming through
with this stuff.
It's better the way I had it.
Darling, could you put the doll
by the ceramic zebra?
- Mrs. Winkler? Excuseme.
- Yes?
- You wanted to check the menu.
- Right.
Stevens, could you bring that piece
downstairs that Mr. Winkler hates?
Try it again
next to the fireplace.
I want a lot of nuts
and "crude-ites."
What did we say for openers?
Oh, yes. Snails.
Escargots, yes.
Then the potato and truffle salad.
Yes. Truffles, by all means.
But I hate those thin pieces.
When you shave it, go, go.
Lay it on big time.
Truffles are always shaved
really finely.
- Naturally, I didn't mean to suggest
anything overdone. - Right.
Then we have
poached sea bass in phyllo.
And spinach souffle,
and salad, and dessert.
- Oh, and finger bowls. - There's nothing
being served that requires finger bowls.
Well have 'em, 'cause you can never predict
whose fingers will need a washing. Okay?
- Did you rearrange this place again?
- All right, hold your water.
Don't tell me to hold my water.
Every night it's like walking
into a strange house.
What is this thing?
Did I tell you to get rid of this?
It's a harp.
You got no flair, Ray.
Don't tell me I got no flair.
No body plays the harp.
What's it doing in
the middle of the living room?
I like the visual sweep.
I don't know what's
gotten into your head.
You're so hoity-toity
all of a sudden.
My cookies pay for this,
so turn it off.
What's for dinner?
And don't tell me it's sparrows
on a bed of lettuce again.
'Cause I wouldn't care if I had anything
on a bed of lettuce anymore.
- They're pheasants, and you ate'em
last week. - And I got BB's.
Remember I got BB's in the mouth?
I almost choked on a BB.
Can I get a cheeseburger?
Is that possible?
It's the dinner party tonight!
Oh! Great!
- Just when I got a lot on my mind.
- Your mind don't hold a lot.
Get dressed.
And don't forget, it's tuxedo.
- I'm hungry. I don't wanna get dressed now.
- You want a snail?
You nuts?
I'm gonna have a snail?
Come on! You eat steamers.
A snail leaves a trail of scum
in the yard when it walks.
- Not in France they don't.
- Oh, Jesus.
What happened to the turkey meatballs
and spaghetti? That's what I like.
Have a potato and truffle thing.
That'll hold you till the company comes.
I don't want truffles.
Truffles got no flavor!
They're subtle.
Only pigs can find them.
You're thinking of pearls. They come
in oysters. That's what that is.
Take a hike.
You're such an ignoramus.
That's what I love about you.
- Pearls come in oysters.
- Ray, Ray, Ray.
- Please, don't spoil my big night.
- What's so big about tonight?
There's important people
coming from the arts...
...and I want to get on
some of those boards.
Hey, we donate,
you'll be on the boards.
- But I wanna be a patron.
- What you wanna be is a socialite.
So what?
Is that so terrible?
You know, when we talked about
making it, we were gonna hit it big...
...move to Florida, we were gonna
swim, eat stone crabs.
Well, we can get a place
at Palm Beach.
Palm Beach is ritzy.
I wanna go to Miami.
I wanna be at the dog track
every day.
I just know I wanna be
as far away from Frenchy Fox...
...the topless wonder,
as I can be.
Hey, you were beautiful
as Frenchy Fox.
You'd come out.
Remember "Night Train"?
- You'd give it a little of this, a
little of that. - Those days are over, Ray.
Our accountants want us to expand.
We're gonna be twice as big next year.
What good is being twice as big if I can't
get a cheeseburger? What's it all mean?
Ray, please,
be charming tonight.
I've seen you when you want
to turn on the charm. You sparkle.
All right?
I gotta go take a shower.
Good evening. Good evening.
Welcome to our humble abode.
- Charles Bailey. This is my wife Emily.
- How you doin'?
- David Perret.
- Linda Rhinelander.
- Can I get you drinks? -Just some
Evian. Unless you have Perrier?
- Certainly. - We got anything
you want. Whatever you want, you can have.
I usually take tap water 'cause the
fluoride keeps your teeth from rotting.
Otherwise, they'll drop right out
on you, honey. Hey, look at this!
So glad you could attend
our humble abode.
We just got back from Caneel Bay.
Didn't want to miss the new Traviata.
- Have you seen it?
- No, not yet.
Nor have I.
Exactly what is it?
Ray, why are we standing around
in the hallway?
Please, let's retire
to the living room.
I gather you're a big fan
of the ballet, Mrs. Winkler.
- Her? Are you kiddin'?
- I used to be a dancer.
Please, call me French...
Uh, Frances. Frances Fox Winkler.
The Foxes from Saratoga?
I don't know.
I never checked my pedigree.
Can we change the music, please?
- I feel like I should be wearing
a wig. - You will in a couple years.
Did you do the place yourself?
Yes. They say I have a flair
for decorating.
- You know, this rug lights up?
- It lights?
Yeah. It's made of what?
The fiber optics.
I'll turn it on later.
Stevens, what's with the snails?
Oh, why don't I get
the, the...
And you show them
your collection of leather pigs.
Right. Go.
- Do you play the harp, Frances?
- Oh, no. It's a visual, honey.
The sweep kills me.
Oh, finally. Girls.
Hey, how you doin'?
Come on in.
Hold it. Right there.
All the action... Hey, honey.
Toots, in there. Hey, shake it.
They're in the other room.
- How you doin'?
- Garth Steinway.
- What?
- Garth Steinway.
- I'm Anthony Gwynne.
- On, no kidding?
Tony Gwynne,
the outfielder with the Padres?
Our goal is to raise
$2 million by April.
Then the company can tour the West
Coast and include the new opera...
...which has gotten such good notices.
- Right.
Count me in.
I love serious music.
Ray, on the other hand,
opera freaks him.
Haveyou tried your finger bowl?
The guy says to him,
"What do you do for a living?"
He says, "I'm a momback."
"What's a momback?"
He says, "I stand behind a truck.
I say, momback, momback."
He stands behind the truck
and goes, "Momback, momback."
He says... I think
it's too fast for her.
He says, "Momback."
I'm afraid I do think
they overpaid for the Picasso.
For me it was unusually mediocre,
don't you think?
- I agree completely.
- Banal.
Excuse me.
I have to find my wife.
I saw a beautiful painting of fruit
at the, uh, Met or the Whitney.
It might have been
the Holocaust.
- Areyou affiliated with any of the museums?
- No, I'm a private dealer.
Oh. We have
one or two paintings,
but I haven't really gotten around
to building a collection yet.
Uh-huh. So what are you interested in?
What's your...
Rembrandt. Picasso.
- You know, the boys.
- Yeah, yeah.
I might be out of Michelangelos
at the moment.
But I did recently come into possession
ofan incredible Damon Dexter...
that someone's trying to sell.
I don't think
I'm aware of him.
No. Well, he's new,
you know.
I have to say, your wine
is absolutely delicious. Really.
It was chosen by the same chef
who did the finger bowls.
Haveyou rinsed?
David used to be part owner
of a vineyard, so he's a tough audience.
Did you study art at school?
No, I didn't. I often think
I should have. I studied literature.
Then inevitably wound up
as a stockbroker.
Then I dropped out, went to Japan,
became a Buddhist, blah, blah, blah.
And then, yeah, I did teach art
at Amherst for a bit.
And then the vineyard.
My God, what a life!
And you're still so young.
Yes, well...
Don't let the face fool you.
Somewhere in a closet
there's a portrait of me aging.
In the closet?
Why would it be in...
Oh! How droll.
You hear about
the Polish car pool?
Every day
they'd meet at work.
- I can't believe this room.
- I don't know...
This takes bad taste
to new heights.
This is excruciating.
Can you believe the two
of them? Ican't keep a straight face.
And what she's done
with this apartment?
The sheer flawless vulgarity
of it all!
- She must've been frightened by a leopard.
- Don't knock it.
They plan on being very generous,
and for that we must be thankful.
And what about the harp?
- Not to mention the way she wears her clothes.
- The definition of bad taste.
Oh, I'd say so.
I never saw so much jewelry.
It makes me sad, Frenchy, that I don't
have to steal anymore. Really.
What's the matter?
You've been quiet all night.
What is bothering you?
What's bothering me is
we got no class.
Speak for yourself.
I was very charming tonight.
I was killin' them
with jokes.
I got a little drunk from the wine,
so I went to sit down in the bar.
Some of them were in there
talking about us.
You should've heard'em.
And they were right.
Stop it! We got more dough
than all of'em put together.
Well, it ain't dough.
It's knowing the finer things.
Like what? Opera?
Like food and wine,
and painting, and books.
Stop it, will ya?
I'm unimpressed.
All my life I've been ignorant.
I could never afford to learn anything.
There was always some emergency,
and I was a good student.
I was a lousy student and I always
hated school. And I don't care about it.
If I could find my school principal
today, now that I got some dough...
...I'd put a contract out on her.
Class is something
you can't fake and you can't buy.
I got more class in my little finger
than they all got combined.
No. We came into a couple of bucks,
but we're phonies.
- We're trying to act like big shots.
- Not me!
Well, me. But it's over.
The time has come to use our dough
to amount to something.
- Like what?
- To change our lives.
I'm too busy to change my life.
Doin' what?
Playing pinball?
I don't wanna wear a tux anymore.
I don't like it.
- I wanna go to Florida and swim.
- I wanna be the real thing!
And you better wise up, 'cause if I grow
and you stay as stupid as you are...
...we're gonna have
big problems, Ray.
- Smarten you up. Is that what you said?
- Yeah.
You said you were a teacher.
You know art, opera, books, wine.
We wanna learn it all,
don't we, Ray?
I'm incredibly flattered
that you'd think I was capable of...
Turning two slugs like us
into classy items?
No homework. I'm not doing any.
I never did homework when I was young.
I'm not doing anything
that's got homework to it.
Naturally, we would make it
very worth your while, David.
No, it's absolutely not about money.
I suppose it's just...
I don't know. I've never been asked
to do anything like this before...
...and I'm not sure
I'd know where to start.
I know I gotta get
a better vocabulary.
Have you ever thought about
enrolling in college?
I didn't go to high school. What
the hell am I gonna go to college for?
That takes four years.
We want a private crash course.
- Lessons in life. Right, Ray?
- Am I crazy?
She's nuts.
Tell her she's nuts.
What? I'm gonna learn
about life suddenly?
I must say, Frenchy,
Ray has a point.
He could probably teach me a lot more
about life than I could ever teach you.
What the hell is he gonna teach you?
I can figure the point spread.
- I know how to count cards at a blackjack
table. - Would you close your bazoo?
- I can count four jacks...
- Close your bazoo!
I don't want to be discouraging because
what you're proposing is admirable.
It's amazing.
The one thing I would like. I would like
to learn how to spell Connecticut.
Don't ask me why.
I never knew how to spell Connecticut.
- Fair enough. Great! You could teach
him that, right? -Yeah.
I heard you telling somebody this
is a very slow period in the art market.
And we would take
very good care of you, right?
Like I say...
...I absolutely don't want
to discourage you.
I suppose I just have to think
about it a bit. I haven't...
If I could envisage a plan,
some kind of starting point...
We could start by building
our art collection.
That way you'd make a few bucks,
and we can learn something.
But no museums.
I'm not goin' to museums.
The pictures...
spook me out.
The virgins...
- What are you laughin' at?
- Spooked by the virgins.
I'm sorry.
Work on the laugh, Frenchy.
So, you can see the difference
between this Tintoretto...
...and the earlier Byzantine
painting we looked at.
What would you say is the most
significant difference?
Me? I would say that
the frame's bigger here.
Well, it is bigger.
But there's also a difference in
the paintings themselves, isn't there?
And it's an important difference
because it characterizes...
...the great technical leap from
the ancient into the modern world.
You remember how those saints
had very flat faces...
...and the background was
on the same plane as the foreground?
- Perspective.
- Right, perspective. That's it.
Let me show you another
very good example of that.
"The frame on this one is bigger"?
Boy, you are a dummy.
Don't give me "perspective."
Take a hike. Take a hike.
- Four. Fifty-one.
- Levoxyl.
- Ninety... four.
- Darvocet.
- I'm hungry. Can we get outta here?
- You're always hungry.
- Why don't you try and learn something?
- There's nothing to learn.
- Interesting fact. This is where
Henry James lived. - Who?
- The bandleader, stupid.
- Married to Betty Grable? I knew that.
No, you're thinking of
Harry James the trumpeter.
Henry James married to Grable.
- Henry James, the author. Yeah?
- Oh.
This is where he lived
and where he worked, and...
Where did he eat? I'm hungry.
I don't care where he lived.
I remember.
The Hair-ess, right?
- The "H" is silent.
- Oh, did he write that too?
Oh, gee.
Frenchy, I'm still sick.
I'm weak. I'm weak.
I can't go.
You're gonna miss a very interesting
"Great Books" discussion.
I know. It kills me.
It just kills me.
But I'm just gonna lay here.
I'll see you when you come back.
- How are you?
- Hello.
Ray's got a cold.
- I bet 500.
- Five hundred?
- See your five, raise you 500.
- I'm outta here.
I see the five...
and a thou.
What'd you think
of the book?
Well, I thought
it was very romantic.
I mean, he loved her but their
backgrounds were so different.
Right. So, what? You thought
he was doomed from the start?
I guess,
'cause he wound up dead.
But, uh, I think that two people from
different backgrounds can make it...
...if, uh, the juice is there.
- Right. Sorry. Juice is...
- You know, the hots.
Would you like some wine?
I brought over a bottle
of Chateau Margaux.
Ah, that's brilliant, because we can
compare that to my Clos de la Roche...
...and you can see the difference
between a Bordeaux and a Burgundy.
I've got two other Burgundies
of the same vintage...
...that I thought might
be fun for us to try.
I'll see your five
and raise you a thou.
I'll see it and
raise you a thousand more.
And a thousand.
- And a thousand.
- Okay. Call.
Read'em and weep.
A pair of threes.
Oh, good.
I thought you were bluffing.
What do you want
to play now?
What about Indian poker?
Seven cards.
You hold your cards over your head.
Nobody sees their hand.
We bet on each other's hand.
High-low, maybe some wild cards.
All the reds.
Wanna sit down, May?
How about Old Maid?
Do you play Old Maid?
So, um... try this one.
Nice nose.
Yeah. The bouquet
is very special.
No, no. I mean
you got a nice nose.
- Me?
- Yeah.
I don't know how to describe it.
It's like, kinda...
- It's just any old nose, I think.
- Aquiline.
Um, talking of which,
how is your vocabulary coming along?
Oh, very good. I'm almost through
all the "A" words in the dictionary.
Right, right. The thing is,
I'm not 100 percent convinced...
...that memorizing the dictionary is
the best way to improve your vocabulary.
I can't believe you found
a buyer for the Damon Dexter so fast.
And at such a good price. It'll really
take a bite out of our debts.
Oliver, it's dawning on me that
the opportunity has arisen...
...for me to become
quite obscenely rich.
How serious are they about
building an art collection?
That would be peanuts.
What, then?
Well, I think that she
might be falling for me.
Frenchy Winkler?
How much do you think
she's worth, roughly?
- Her husband you mean.
- No, it's all in her name.
She's the cookie mogul.
- What are you saying?
- I don't know. I suppose I'm saying...
...people grow and
marriages sadly break up.
And women remarry,
you know?
they change hands.
- What is this? -It's a Damon Dexter,
a discovery of David's.
I say it's depressing.
Knock it off. You wouldn't know
a masterpiece if it bit you in the ass.
- I refuse to look at this, Frenchy.
- What is that supposed to mean?
It means as long as this is on
that wall, I don't look at that wall.
- You're a head case! -I'll bet
David made a big profit on this.
Hey, whose cookies
pay the rent, huh?
I think he's making a fool outta you.
Stevens, come here.
Tell me what time it is.
I no longer look at this wall.
- 11:00 a.m., sir.
- Thank you very much.
- David, what's this?
- Oh, well, that's a citrine necklace.
- You know about citrines?
- No.
They're not one of
the precious stones.
But the luster's always been considered
very special and unique.
- And that? Look!
- Ah, yeah.
Well, if we're talking
about luster...
...this is something very special
and I'd imagine very, very expensive.
It's a cigarette case encrusted with
diamonds that belonged to the Duke of Windsor.
- I know the Duke of Windsor!
- Yeah?
He also married
beneath his station, right?
- He did, like our friend Henry Higgins.
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God,
the Duke and Duchess.
It was such a romantic story.
I saw it on television.
Ray? Ray!
What are you doin' here?
I'm havin' Chinese food. That's what
they serve in a Chinese restaurant.
You want some company?
What do you mean?
Me. Who's talkin' to you?
Well, where's Frenchy?
Frenchy's at some piano concert
with a guy.
Oh. Well, they...
They have take out here, but I don't
think they'll deliver to a concert.
Don't worry about it, May.
Frenchy'll eat.
Dinner was so great! You know?
All that M.S.G. and the grease.
It was... What a treat!
I'm so sick of continental food
every night.
Frenchy eats frogs' legs!
- It's supposed to taste like chicken.
- Rabbit.
- Rabbit tastes like frogs' legs?
- No. Forget it.
Are you happy being rich?
It's okay. I got a lot of charge
accounts and a really nice apartment.
I got a maid.
I'm still a little lonely, though.
Yeah? How come?
That guy I was seeing left me...
...because he just was
so embarrassed about being poor.
And he hated that I'd pay
for everything.
So then I stopped paying.
And actually, that's when he left me.
- I can understand your...
- You enjoy being rich?
- I hate it!
- You're kidding?
No, I hate it. I'm telling you.
I hate the life.
- And it's causin' me to lose Frenchy.
- What do you mean?
I mean, she's outgrowing me.
That's just what she said.
She's like
a different person now.
I think she's developing a crush
on her teacher David.
Yeah. Well, you know,
he's very good-looking...
...and he's bright and very
charming and very elegant.
Okay, May, I got the picture.
It's all right.
You know, my God, you really know
how to make a guy feel good.
- Well, when you're right, you're right.
- Thank you.
What did you think of her playing?
I just gotta tell ya, I thought
the whole evening was apocalyptic.
- Apocalyptic? Really?
- Yes! I really was agog.
Well, me too.
I mean, she's fabulous.
She's fabulous and I have to
asseverate, she deserves accolades.
- Frances, you've been memorizing the
dictionary. - Yeah, I got the "A's".
Next week the "B's".
How do I look?
I have to say that that dress
is just... gorgeous on you.
See? Your influence.
Low key, right?
That's a very
flattering thing to say.
- Ray thinks it's dullsville.
- David?
- Page! -Wasn't her choice of
the Rachmanin off inspired?
- Wasn't it? We loved it. - At first I
thought it might incur my animadversion.
- But soon I realized it was apposite.
- Aha, I think I see drinks.
- Good to see you, David.
- Nice meeting you.
- Thank you very much.
- I love your friends, David.
They're so bright and cultured
and refined. It's another world.
Well, it's a world
I know you'd love to belong to.
- Ah, this looks a lot more civilized.
- Beautiful.
Let's take a seat over here.
Anything we get,
Cody's in for his full share.
That's how it is.
- You know why I respect Cody Jarrett?
- Why?
- Because he loves his mother.
- I can understand that, May.
Because even though he's a vicious,
coldblooded, psychopathic killer...
...and she encourages him,
still it's sweet.
Yeah, has a sweetness.
I wish I had a mother like that.
- More Pepsi?
- Yeah, please.
And this is the best part, isn't it?
I love this part.
Will you pass me
the Cracker Jack?
What is it?
What are you looking at?
I happen to be noticing you. I was looking
at you a couple of times tonight...
...'cause for the first time
I had the thought...
...that in a very strange way,
you got a sweet face.
It's offbeat, you know,
in a kind of bizarre, you know...
It's... I don't know how to explain it
exactly, but it's right up there.
What do you mean?
I mean it as a compliment.
I'm sayin' a nice thing to you.
'Cause you being a relative
of Frenchy...
...I never before classified you as a,
you know, a human-type female, so...
I was married.
I know, I know.
This was a long time ago, right?
It was a really tragic story.
My husband, Otto,
was dyslexic...
...and the only thing he could
spell correctly was his name.
Oh! That is... That's...
There's no doubt about it.
The Burgundy really goes to my head.
- Yeah.
- What did you want to talk to me about?
I've, um, I've got
a little present for you.
- For me?
- Yeah. Here.
Ohh! Pretty!
I love leather books.
Oh, Pygmalion!
I love that story, David.
There's, um...
You see a little inscription there?
"To my favorite Eliza, from your
Professor Higgins. Love, David."
- Gee, I got a confession to make.
- What?
I got you a present too.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
No, you didn't have to do that.
It's in appreciation of all the stuff
you've been doin' for me...
...'cause I know it's a hard job.
- Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Frenchy!
This is...
- Frances!
- Frances, this is...
It must've cost you a fortune.
What good's having dough
unless you spend it, huh?
Well, I know,
but this is so extravagant.
I'm embarrassed.
I'm not suggesting you take up smoking,
but I figured, you know...
...what's good enough
for the Duke of Windsor, right?
Well, I'm really overwhelmed.
And I feel, you know,
my little pathetic Bernard Shaw... so insignificant by
comparison to this. - No!
But you see,
I just wanted you to know... unbelievably proud I am of you.
- This is not insignificant.
Maybe I'm talking out
of turn here, but...'ve just developed so much,
and I just feel, you know... belong in a world
of society and high culture now.
It's frustrating, because you
should continue growing, you know.
You should be branching out,
you should be traveling.
There's Paris and Rome and the great
opera houses and the museums, you know.
You should be in a position
to cultivate the right kinds of friends.
Anyway, I'm, you know, bif.
It's hard, you know,
'cause Ray's not like that.
He likes to watch TV
in his underwear, suckin' a Bud.
Yeah. Well, that... I don't know
what to say. I can't comment on that.
- Can I be frank, David?
- Mm-hmm.
Sometimes I think I've outgrown him.
- Pretty late.
- Yeah, you too. What did you do?
I, you know, I worked late...
...and then May and me
had some Chinese food.
You and May! What'd you talk about
over dinner? Cartoons?
Are you kiddin'?
We went up to her apartment.
- We watched White Heat on television.
- Till 3:00 a.m.?
No. Then we went out
and we got a pizza.
Chinese food and a pizza?
With your stomach,
I'm surprised you weren't shot...
...breaking into
the Pepto-Bismol factory.
No, Frenchy, I had fun. It was the first
time in along time I had a good time.
- I want to talk to you, Ray.
- Now?
David's going over
to Europe for a month.
I thought we might go along,
see some sights.
What kind of sights?
You know, churches,
opera houses, ruins.
What are you, a stroke victim?
I'm gonna fly 3,000 miles
to see opera houses and ruins?
- Well, I wanna go.
- What do you mean, you wanna go?
- It's part of my cultural development.
- Will you knock it off?
You're Frenchy Fox from New Jersey.
Stop puttin' on airs.
David thinks that it would be good
for me to travel through Europe.
I get a bad vibe about this guy.
Because you're a crook,
so you think everybody is.
I wish I still was a crook, then
I'd feel like an actual person again.
I warned you that this would happen
if you didn't grow along with me.
The only thing that's grown about you is
your rear end from too much French food.
I'm sorry, Ray,
but I wanna go to Europe.
What do you mean? We're married.
You can't just go to Europe with David.
I asked you to come.
'Cause you knew I'd say no.
That's why you asked me.
My idea of fun is not goin' to operas
and ruins. I get enough sleep at home.
I never thought I'd be
saying this to you, Ray...
...but maybe the time has come
to reevaluate our marriage.
If you go to Europe
with David...'re gonna have
to reevaluate it big time.
I'm going! I won't be
held back mentally... some overaged
juvenile delinquent.
- Then you better go get yourself a
lawyer. - We don't need lawyers.
I'll go fifty-fifty with you
even though it's all in my name.
You're right. We don't need lawyers.
Exactly right, because...
You don't have to go fifty-fifty.
I don't want anything.
You can have the house, the business,
custody of all the chocolate chips.
I just want out.
You know, May, it was on a boat
that I first proposed to Frenchy.
Yeah, I know.
All of a sudden, I'm not her type
after all these years.
- May I tell you something?
- What?
You're not my type either.
What does that mean?
What the hell does that mean?
It means that maybe Frenchy...
...wasn't so wrong to try
and make something out of her self.
- Frenchy was nuts! Frenchy overdid
everything. - You underdo everything!
You know, there's more to life
than turkey meatballs.
I don't know what to say, May.
I get a bad vibe about this guy, David.
It's my street instinct,
but I just don't trust him.
Yeah, I know why.
Because he's younger than you are,
handsomer than you are...
...he's much taller than you are,
he's smarter than you are...
...he's much more exciting
than you are...
May, don't feel obligated to pull
any punches with me. I can take it.
You know, women like a little elegance.
It's more romantic.
So if I had it to do over again,
I would do some things differently.
Maybe I'd sit through a couple
of more operas with Frenchy...
...especially now since they got
the new Sony Walkmans.
Now that you split up with Frenchy,
you don't even work.
No, I don't work, May, but I got
an idea for something...
...and I wanna talk
to you about it.
Wow! What a place!
That's the home of Chi Chi Potter,
the socialite.
Chi Chi Valezquez Potter.
Now, Chi Chi's got a necklace.
It's all emeralds with diamonds
around it. It's a very famous necklace.
May be you saw it in a magazine.
They photograph it all the time.
- Would it have been on television?
- I don't know.
But it's been in magazines. It's
a famous necklace. I wanna go in there.
I could live off that necklace
if I fence it for the rest of my life.
But you gott a remember what happened
when you tunneled into the bank.
But that's the beauty part.
We don't have to tunnel anymore.
Now, Frenchy and I,
we're patrons of the arts.
So Chi Chi invited us to a big party
there in a couple of weeks.
Frenchy's out of town.
You come with me, we get the necklace.
Oh, uh, see, I never
heisted anything before.
There's nothing to it.
I know where the safe is.
Because this has been on my
mind for a while.
I had dinner over there one night,
and I excused myself.
I was very crafty. I went upstairs,
and I checked out the place.
I scoped it all out,
and I found the safe.
I got the whole layout in my mind
up there, so I know we can do this.
I don't wanna wind up in jail. If this
is... Wait. If this is such a big item...
...then they're gonna be turning the
town upside down looking for it.
No. That's why you're dealing with
a particularly shrewd mentality.
I got a connection
in Chinatown.
I bring in a picture that I got
from a magazine of the necklace.
He makes me an exact duplicate.
I switch.
She never knows what happened.
She's, you know...
Chi Chi's a dumb, flighty
society dame. She's crazy.
By the time she figures out there's a
switch, two years from now or something...
...I'll be in Florida
or The Cayman Islands.
Hello? What?
- I can't hear you. What?
- Shh.
- I'm in a crypt! I can't...
- Please.
What do you mean?
What are you talking about?
How? Would you gimme
a break, Sister? Okay?
What? Today?
Look, what do you mean
it's an emergency?
- Oh, hi.
- Mrs. Winkler?
We're so sorry to bring you
back from your vacation.
- What the hell's goin' on, fellas?
- I have terrible news.
- Something's happened to Ray?
- Sunset Enterprises is bankrupt.
- How?
- Fraud.
- Fraud? Who?
- Your accountants.
My accountants. I don't
even know who they are. What?
You should've looked.
We let them handle everything.
What the hell do I know
about running a corporation?
Did you ever read any thing
you signed?
No, but they assured us
everything was okay.
May I get you a drink?
I'd like a 1961 Romanee St. Vivant
if we have it.
I'd have a whiskey
if I were you.
Well, I don't understand.
I mean, Sunset's gone?
Can't we do anything?
You might be able to put a few people
in jail if we could find them.
This is the worst news.
Oh, no, no.
Mrs. Winkler, it's not.
Well, it is to me!
No, no, no.
The worst news is coming up.
Oh. All right.
All right.
You better tell me.
Let me sit down.
They spoke to you
about expanding Sunset.
That's right. We've been
planning it for months. Yeah.
In order to do that, you needed
a bank loan. Are you aware of that?
- Quite a substantial loan.
- Get to the point.
They asked you to sign
a promissory note to the bank.
You're speaking to the wrong person.
This is what I got accountants for.
Yes, but unfortunately
your accountants are in Venezuela.
This is all so confusing.
Frances, you put up your home and
savings as a note for a monster loan.
Could you put a touch of cyanide
in here? It needs to be stronger.
You've lost it all, Frenchy.
Or should I say, you've been
swindled out of it all?
- You mean, I got...
- Nothing.
Mrs. Winkler, you have nothing.
No house, no bank account.
Just a couple of large,
outstanding loans...
...which we feel you can best deal
with by filing for bankruptcy.
Bankruptcy? Bankruptcy?
- I'm not up to the "B" words yet.
- Sorry.
Does Ray know about this?
What difference does it
make to Ray? He's gone.
What did you say?
I'm bankrupt.
Sunset's gone. Worse.
All my personal dough is gone.
The whole ride's over.
Well, how...
- I mean, how could that possibly happen?
- Fraud. My accountants.
Oh, Ray said not to trust them
because the whole firm had mustaches.
I'm, I'm gonna get myself
a little Valium.
David, I'm not gonna be able
to give you that loan I promised you.
What did you say?
Suddenly it turns out
I got people I owe.
I know, but you did say
that I could borrow $400,000.
- I was using it to cement a deal.
- I know, and it kills me!
It kills me to cop out on you like this,
but I'm busted. I'm flat.
- What an idiot.
- I guess I am. Yeah.
How could you be so stupid
and irresponsible... to allow some patently cheap,
thieving accountants... defraud you
out of a future?
I just don't understand
how anyone could be that stupid.
Aren't you
a little out of line?
Well, you know I've made plans.
I've made commitments to people.
You've got a strange look in your eye
like the guy from the book.
Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde or Ted Bundy.
I can never remember.
Think of the time I've put in nurturing
an idea that's not gonna happen.
Is that what it was?
The money?
I, I need... I need my prescription.
I need my little blue pills.
So I'm gonna go
and get them...
...and I would very, very much appreciate
it if when I came back, you were gone.
Than kyou.
David, if you wouldn't mind...
...I'd like the cigarette caseback.
- I don't think so, my love.
I asked you for lessons in life.
I guess I really got one, right?
Oh, we're so glad you could come!
- How are you?
- Good.
Langston wants to talk to you
about a theater project in Aspen.
- Do you ski?
- Me? No, never. Never.
- Do either of you play miniature golf?
- Oh, there's Binky!
- Oh, hello!
- Oh, for heaven's sake.
I don't think you should speak.
I don't think you should say anything.
But you said make conversation.
I was just making it.
I know. Make conversation,
but don't talk. Don't bring up anything.
Maybe about the weather or something,
but don't... You know.
Now, I'm gonna get in the flow of things
here and then I'm gonna glide upstairs.
- Should I glide with you?
- No, no. I'll contact you.
- Can I get you some champagne?
- Sure.
I was ju...
I was gonna make a phone call.
- Have you seen Edgar?
- Edgar?
- Where that man gets off to!
- I was gonna make a phone...
I've looked back here,
and downstairs.
- Try back there.
- I'll try that. Thank you.
Oh, Winkler?
- Do you play golf?
- Golf? No.
I was just gonna make
a phone call upstairs.
- I guess I was misdirected.
- Yes, well, I was gonna use the phone.
I'm sorry. I wanted a match on Sunday,
but I'll get somebody else.
I would've looked
forward to it.
There'll be rain over the tristate area
and increasing fog.
Temperatures will hover
in the low 60s till Tuesday.
I must say, you are most amusing.
Would you like a canape?
Those are shrimp.
These are quail eggs.
I don't have any idea
what they are.
Thank you. I hate anything with
a toothpick. They lodge in your throat.
I'm George Blint, mutual funds.
And you?
May Sloan. I'm a lookout.
I noticed the way you walked and
carried yourself from across the room.
You remind me of my wonderful,
departed wife.
You can't carry yourself across
the room. That's physically impossible.
You're charming.
You're the first woman I've met since
Helen died that I could say that about.
Was Helen your wife,
or just a woman who died?
Hi. Where's Mr. Winkler?
I want to talk to him.
Oh, he's around mingling.
Cloudy today, wasn't it? With a chance
of light sprinkles followed by sunshine.
Right. Chi Chi, would you get
those photographs from the bedroom?
I wanna show Mr. Winkler the property in
Aspen where we're gonna build the theater.
Yes. I just wanna talk
to Dr. Henske.
He would be perfect to do
Beth Kramer's face work...
...after the unbelievable job he
did on Mrs. Morton's buttocks.
Oh, I'm gonna be right back.
Will you just...
Jesus! You scared me.
For God's sake!
I came to warn you.
Mrs. Potter's gonna come up here... get some pictures
that Mr. Potter wants you to see.
- She's lookin' for you.
- Now, I closed the safe!
This is a tough safe!
I'm outta practice. I can't...
- Did they see you come up here?
- I, I don't think so.
Get out there and stand watch.
I'm gonna do this again.
Are you okay?
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Get out! Get out!
If you could fit it into your schedule,
it would mean so much to Beth.
She's been so down
since the divorce.
And don't you think...
he got custody of the polo ponies.
Chi Chi, don't forget
those photographs for Mr. Winkler.
- Where'd he go?
- I'll get them.
- So, you will try?
- I'll do my best.
Kiss, kiss. Whoops!
Mrs. Potter is coming.
- She's gone.
- Shh, not so loud.
But she's gone. She's gone.
Thank you, dear.
I want to show those to Mr. Winkler.
- He wouldn't leave without saying good-bye,
would he? -I don't know, he's not upstairs.
- Jesus.
- I met a wonderful man downstairs.
He seemed to like me. He said I
reminded him of his wife who's dead.
But I assume he meant
when she was alive.
May, can you stop talking to me
while I'm doing this?
Little short fellow.
Bright yellow shirt, unbelievable tie.
Oh, yes. I think I know
the gentleman you mean.
He was going
up the stairs before.
- Are you sure?
- Yes. Mr. Winkler.
Ray, I hear something.
She's not feeling well.
I took her up here.
- Yes, she's had one of her spells.
- Spells?
- Yes, she gets spells. - How extraordinary.
We have a doctor right here.
- No, not necessary. She gets these spells.
- I'm a hemophiliac.
- Oh, dear God! Are you bleeding?
- Why would I be bleeding?
No, she... Her neck.
Wasn't your neck...
It is, but my nasal passages
are clearing up now.
I handle all this. On weekends,
I do this for a little hobby.
- She had champagne.
- Poor darling. I'll go get Dr. Henske.
Really, I'm... Ray, you have
my cortisone pills.
- Me?
- My medication?
I will feel a whole lot better
if I let Dr. Henske take a look at her.
No, no, you just relax, put your
feet up, and I'll go get Dr. Henske.
A hemophiliac? Cortisone? Where
did you come up with these things?
- It's on TV. - The weather's on TV.
I said stay with the weather.
I thought I did some
really quick thinking.
Yes, very quick. Mean while,
you're gonna be examined now.
I just had a checkup.
Jesus! I got no time to work here.
They'll be back in seconds.
I can't tell the difference
between these.
God! Then you better
take 'em both.
I can't take 'em both. If they come back
and don't find any necklace here...
...we've been suspiciously
seen in the bedroom.
- I'll go right to jail.
- Especially with your D.N.A.
What does my D.N.A. got
to do with it?
You better make a choice,
'cause they're gonna be back any minute.
Ray, let's go!
All I know
is what I told you, Doctor.
She's right in here.
Come along.
Here's Dr. Henske.
Now, what seems
to be the trouble?
False alarm.
It was a hot flash.
I think it was a menopausal thing.
I've seen it before.
- I'm given to occasional spells.
- Spells?
Well, not spells, but, you know,
she was drinkin' booze...
No, no, sometimes for no good reason
I get hot and cold flashes.
The room will begin to spin, then spots
before my eyes, a ringing in my ears.
You're making too much of it.
We should go.
Little pin points of light and my tongue
turns black, and I can't swallow.
- Really?
- They diagnosed it as Parkinson's.
But they think it could be
the Ebola virus or Mad Cow Disease.
We gotta get her out of here because,
you know, it's a false positive.
Come, sweetheart,
we're due, we're due.
I do hope you feel better.
And not to worry, Mr. Winkler, the
theater in Aspen will just have to wait.
The Ebola virus or Mad Cow.
- I just said the first thing that
came into my mouth. - Great.
- I tried to do my best...
- Hello again!
George! Do I still remind you
of your wife?
You kill me.
You're great.
You're not feeling well. I'm taking
her home. She's not feeling well.
I'm in the book. May Sloan.
I'Il, I'll be better.
Well, I'll call you.
- Ray, I just got the news about Frenchy.
- Frenchy?
Didn't you hear?
Sunset's gone under.
She was defrauded out of every penny
she owns and then some.
And I know you're out of there,
but I figured you'd know.
Yeah, sure, I do know.
I, I, I...
I came as soon as I heard.
I got exactly what I deserved.
I really missed you, Frenchy.
I'm sorry I blew
our cookie company...
...but I'm even more sorry
I blew our marriage, Ray.
What do you do? Everybody makes
mistakes, you know what I mean?
The important thing is
I still love you.
I don't deserve it.
I behaved badly.
You behaved like an ass, but that's one
of those "A" words you used to practice.
But I'm not the easiest guy to
get along with. I'm not Mr. Sensitive.
There's a lot of things
I could've done differently, maybe.
We stayed in separate rooms
the whole trip, Ray. That's the truth.
So where's David now?
- He split the second I went bust.
- No! I don't believe it.
- He was hustling me for the dough. Sure.
- Oh, jeez.
So now we gotta all
begin again, you know.
And in more ways than one.
- You still want me?
- Still want you? I'm...
Frenchy, you gotta ask a question
like that? I'm crazy about you.
I'm crazy about you too.
You're a goddess to me.
I'm nuts for you.
You got...
Of course I want you.
But we're broke, you know.
We haven't got a dime.
We don't even own a stick
of this furniture we're sittin' on.
Can I show you something? Will you
sit here? May I show you one thing?
- Can I show you... Just let me show you
something. - Okay.
I think you're gonna be
very, very proud of me.
- That's Chi Chi Potter's.
- Was. Was Chi Chi... Was.
Keyword. Was. I'm tellin' you,
I never felt so great.
I was back in action again.
I felt alive, you know.
'Cause I always felt that you were
keeping me with this whole cookie thing.
- Hey, this is glass. - What are you talking
about, glass? How's it glass?
- It's fake. - What do you mean,
fake? How the hell would you know?
I can tell fake from real.
This ain't even good fake.
What are you talking about?
What do you mean, it's fake?
You know, it might fool some idiot
with no eye or no brains...
...but it'd never pass
with a normal person.
What are you... You're telling me
that I got the phony one?
- I came away with the wrong thing?
- That sounds like your M.O.
- You're nuts! I was in the room.
- Yeah.
And I was gonna substitute
the glass one for the real one.
Then everything got confusing.
It's good to see you got
the same great instincts.
- You're so wrong.
- It really is.
- You take all those lessons, you think
you got taste. - Wait a minute.
I'm gonna show you something.
You think you learn class and taste,
but you know nothing about jewelry.
We take this and fence it.
We go to Florida. It's the goods.
That ain't gonna get us on the subway,
much less to Florida.
What? You know,
you're such a know-everything.
You don't have to be a rocket scientist
to spot a clinker like this.
Who ever made it for you,
you overpaid.
What can I do if you're wrong?
What can I do?
Can I take your nose and twist it
till you turn blue?
Gee, you broke it.
It's glass, Ray.
I know, but it's...
Well, Frenchy,
I'm not cleaning it up.
You broke it.
You got glass over everything.
It's dangerous.
You... Jesus, I'm...
I don't know what you see in me.
I'm such a screwup.
It's glass! Don't you understand?
I got the glass one.
All that matters
is that we have each other.
We didn't there for a while and it
made me realize how much I need you.
- Yeah, but you're married to such a
loser, Frenchy. - No.
- It's glass!
- I'm the luckiest woman in the world.
And the brokest. I'm topped out.
We got nothing.
As usual, I come up empty.
We could pawn this.
What is this?
What is this thing?
Who? Who-Who?
I don't understand.
Who's the Duke of Windsor?
Actually, we could probably
auction it.
- Where'd you get this? It looks...
- From David.
- David gave you this?
- Well, he doesn't know it yet.
I don't get it.
What do you mean?
Hey, it was you who taught me
how to open a safe.
I... That was one of my fondest
memories of our time together.
What are you saying?
You boosted this from David's safe?
Frenchy, that's stealing.
Not exactly.
Look, it's a long story, Ray.
Let's sell it, and I'll fill you in
on the flight to Miami.
- Sweet heart, you are the greatest.
- Yeah.