SOS: Save Our Skins (2014) Movie Script

This is an SOS.
We don't know what's happened,
but everybody has disappeared.
There are no people, no police,
We're all alone.
There's nobody.
If anyone can see
this message, please,
get in touch...
Will you stop eating that ham?!
U I q
This is ridiculous.
What time is it?
Nine in the morning.
I'm really jet lagged.
Shouldn't have taken
all the sleeping pills.
Yeah, I didn't take mine in the end.
It was your idea to
take them in the first place.
Yeah, I know, but then I saw
how sleepy they made you,
and it got me all anxious.
Even thinking about
taking sleeping pills
is keeping me awake.
So I decided not to take them,
and I was out like a light.
Slept like a baby.
Oh, great.
There's nothing on TV.
Try HBO.
No, there's literally nothing on TV.
They definitely watch TV
in America, don't they?
Ben, all they do is watch TV.
- For breakfast?
- Yeah!
What is the point
of going on holiday
if you can't watch TV?
We should get going.
Chewbacca's on at 10
followed by Robocop's boss,
and the dad from
The Lawnmower Man.
What about Xena?
"Xena Warrior Princess,
Conference Room B at 2 o'clock."
Do you think she'd give me a kiss?
Not if you were
the last man on earth.
3100... We can either
see Rutger Hauer,
or a monster from Doctor Who.
Is there no one from
The Walking Dead?
No. There's a guy who was in
one episode of Game of Thrones.
- Who?
- Just says, 'Knight who fell off horse'.
- How about the puppets from Labyrinth?
- Yeah, okay.
There should be
some jawas serving coffee.
I thought everything was
bigger and better in America.
The one in Leicester
had more going on than this...
Where's Chewbacca?
Leicester's bigger
than New York, though, right?
Where's anyone?
Are they gonna serve some food?
I saved up for six months
for this trip, Ben!
- Really?
- My mom bought my ticket.
Your mom buys you everything.
Maybe they're all in another room.
Wait here, I'll go and check.
Hoth Wampa!
Leave your bag there,
why don't you?
Is anybody here?
I've come for breakfast!
Ugh! Messy pigs...
'Tug '13s'
- What are you doing?
- I got bored of waiting.
Nobody's here.
Something's wrong.
Nothing's wrong.
Look, sausages!
Are you sure those were
just sleeping tablets?
'Cause I'm very
confused right now.
Calm down,
we're just running late.
What? The entire hotel?
There must have been
a fire alarm or something.
They've evacuated
the place without us.
What if this is it?
What if it's the big one?
A zombie attack!
Oh, god, what if this is zombies?
'Cause even though
I love zombies,
I also really hate zombies.
There's got to be
a logical explanation.
That would be logical!
It's daylight now -
they'll all be asleep!
It's not vampires...
You don't think
it could be -
Don't say "gryphons".
It could be gryphons...
or a gas leak.
Which is the most likely?
Let's look outside.
Right, we've got to
get back here for 2:00.
I'm not missing Xena,
not like we did in Leicester.
Come on!
Careful! I haven't been
to the toilet yet!
I'm starting to think...
somethings wrong.
It isn't just me.
New York should be busy, right?
This is like "I Am Legend"!
Hey, maybe we'll meet Will Smith!
I'd ask him why
he made "After Earth".
Okay, I'm bored of walking now.
This is mental!
I know! Who has a burger
without catsup?
This is the city that never sleeps!
Well, they all finally went to bed.
Must be exhausted.
There's a big slug
in this burger, Ben!
Mine's alright.
I hate slugs, Ben.
I hate them!
So we're not the only ones...
- What do you mean?
- There's slugs as well.
We're not, like,
completely alone!
Oh, my God! What if it's
just us and loads of slugs?
- Loads of slugs?
- Yeah!
And there's a giant queen slug,
and it's like a battle for Earth,
just us versus the slugs and -
Oh, there's ants there, as well.
Forget the ants! The people!
Where are the people?
I've still got a signal.
It must be on the news.
It doesn't say anything!
- Who are you calling?
- Who do you think?
- Terry?
- Yeah, Terry, who I play football with.
Why would I call him?
He runs the pub quiz on Thursdays.
He knows pretty much everything.
I'm calling 911, Ben.
There's nothing!
You calling Terry?
I'm calling my mum.
- Have you got Terry's number?
- I'm not calling Terry!
- You call Terry.
- No way! It'll cost a fortune!
Nobody's picking UP-
Who are you calling?
Hi, Terry. Alright, mate?
It's Ben. How you doin'?
Anyway, when you get this message,
give me a shout.
It's about New York.
Alright, bye.
He's not there.
There's got to be somebody...
Okay, none of my family
are picking up.
I can't believe how tall
these buildings are!
I'd look too,
but I've got height-o-phobia.
Height-0-phobia - the disease
where you're scared of heights!
Everybody is gone!
- Oh my God!
- What?
The Statue of Liberty!
I didn't know that was in New York.
You're an idiot.
There's nothing on the news,
or the BBC, CNN...
It can't be that bad, then.
Wait a second...
These websites
haven't been updated in hours -
none of them!
It's like there hasn't been any news
since seven this morning.
This is insane!
What are you doing?
That's someone's lunch!
What's the problem?
There's nobody here.
We can't start looting!
Who's there?
I'm getting cold.
Yeah, we should have
brought our coats.
Can't we just
borrow some new ones?
It wouldn't hurt, would it?
Just a couple of coats?
Guess a couple of coats
wouldn't hurt...
As long as it's just
a couple of coats.
We should've put masks on.
We've just stolen a load of stuff, Ben.
It's against the law!
You want some ham?
They just don't evacuate
the city of all the people.
Yeah, why?
They must be expecting
something to happen -
something bad...
This could be a nuclear attack!
Let's get our things
and get out of here.
Where are we going?
We're going to the airport.
The airport? I want to see
the Golden Gate Bridge!
We're in New York!
Did you even go to school?
Yeah, you sat next to me
in geography...
I got an "E".
"E" for excellent!
Why do we have to
go to the airport?
We're in New York!
I want to see the Nicks
score a home run.
"The Nicks?"
There's not even a Nick.
You're not staying.
This place is really messed up.
I'd feel a lot safer
if I had a gun.
You having a gun
does not make me feel safe.
I had the highest score
in House of the Dead.
You'd end up shooting me -
Yes, hello? Hello?
MESSAGE." Have you been
injured at Work, at home,
or even just walking
around outside?
Then you may be entitled
to a free insurance claim!
If you would like
more information,
please say Wes",
and one of our operators
will call you back.
Yes, please call me back.
I'd like more information!
I never thought I'd be pleased
to get a sales call...
Hey, we could light a fire!
We could do smoke signals,
get a message out to someone.
Oh, cool. So we are staying?
but we are sending a message.
Okay, just leave it to me.
Can't I say anything?
Just be natural.
Actually, don't be natural.
Well, I want to say stuff.
What stuff are you going to say?
I'll explain what's happened
and ask people to contact us.
Just leave it to me.
All right.
This is an SOS.
We don't know what's happened,
but everybody's disappeared.
There are no people, no police,
there's nobody.
If anyone can see this message,
please get in touch...
Will you stop eating that ham?!
- What's that?
- Shh!
- Maybe it's the police?
- Mm!
We should investigate.
What do you think?
Maybe it's another Hoover.
Do you think we're
in the Matrix,
and there are, like,
robots using us as batteries?
Humans would be terrible batteries.
Yeah, you're right...
They would have been better off
using actual batteries!
That'll be locked.
You don't know that.
It's locked.
Do you know that convention
we went to in Germany,
- we got talking to that ewok?
- Oh, yeah.
I saw him in the toilets, actually.
He had an enormous -
It's not locked.
It's Ben and Stephen...
It's like they just vanished.
There was a woman staying here.
- How can you tell?
- I just can...
...and there's a pair
of high heels there.
Just my luck!
I barge into a woman's hotel room
and she's been kidnapped by aliens!
Aliens now, is it?
Yeah, I reckon it's aliens.
They'll be asleep underground
like those ones in War of the Worlds.
That's ridiculous.
I've always said -
the War of the Worlds?
Metal detectors!
They'd be discovered right away!
There's nothing of any use in here.
No, Ben, this!
It's a taser.
Oh, yeah, cool.
I have no idea
how you use a taser.
I think you just point and shoot.
She's in the shower!
What if there's a hot,
naked blonde in the shower?
I can't hear anyone.
What if she's dead?
What if there's a hot, naked blonde
dead in the shower?
Are you a naked woman?
Just point and shoot, yeah?
- Let me do it.
- No, you'll shoot me!
Open the curtain.
One, two...
Don't shoot me Three!
I'm not using that again...
I told you
you should let me do it.
- Let's search the other rooms.
- Yeah...
- You take this corridor.
- Fine.
- I'll take the next.
- Sure.
- Let's meet back in ten.
- Okay...
Let's not waste any time.
- I'll start from room 50 onwards!
- Yeah, go for it.
Oh, finally!
You part of the convention?
You like what you see?
You like that?
Yeah, that's right...
You want to see what's down here?
Yeah? Yeah?
Oh, yeah, that's good...
Run, Ben!
Get our effects and run!
U I q
U I q
Hold the door!
Hold the door!
Which buttons open the doors?!
Open the doors!
Open the doors!
- Close the doors!
- I'll push all of them!
Close the doors!
Yes, Ben?
Was he part of the convention?
I don't think so, no.
'Cause as monsters go,
he was very realistic.
He was.
He really was.
I'd take a throw at saying
he was an actual monster.
I thought you said
this was a three-star hotel!
They shouldn't have monsters
in a three-star hotel.
We should leave
a comment on their website.
Yes, Stephen?
What are you wearing?
Wait, wait!
We're not stopping.
We need to get out of here!
- Five minutes.
- What for?
I really need to use the toilet.
Please call me as soon
as you get this message.
Miss you. Bye.
There's a whole suite in that toilet.
Here, use this.
So... about that blue monster.
I've been thinking...
What was it?
I've no idea.
I don't intend to wait for it to find us.
That's it, then?
A blue monster's escaped from a lab
and it's on the loose. Simple!
That doesn't explain
where everyone is.
Now, get as many supplies as you can.
What if the airport's not open?
What if there's no one there, either?
- This is why we need guns!
- Shh!
No way! Buy two bags
of popcorn, get one free?
Shut up!
Ben, just stay quiet.
Oh, hello there.
I just came in to get my dinner.
Would you like to join me?
Come on in.
That's an interesting smell.
It smells like mushrooms.
Thank you very much.
So, do you live here alone?
Oh, no.
There's a rat.
What, like a pet rat?
At least there aren't any slugs.
Yeah, the rat probably ate them.
Come on in.
I'll put some coffee on.
Got some nice coffee for you.
Thank you very much.
It's really good to
see another human.
We thought everybody
had disappeared.
So, what do you know?
Well, let's see...
I'm pretty good at crosswords.
I read a book once...
You ever read a book?
Yeah, Batman.
No, I mean, what can you
tell us about what happened?
Where is everyone?
Oh, that.
That's easy.
- What brand of cookies are they?
- Shut up.
So, where is everyone?
Well, it's the government.
It's always the government.
Mind-control? Government.
People going missing?
So you're saying the government
has evacuated everybody?
I knew it!
Not evacuated... Kidnapped.
Turned them all into slaves.
That doesn't make sense.
Besides, we just got chased by,
like, a blue monster.
What was that?
A what?
I saw this thing...
Like a blue man-ster.
- "Man-star"?
- Ah?
You just said "man-ster."
No, I didn't.
I saw a blau man-ster.
Excuse me. Where's your bathroom?
Down the hallway on the left.
I've got a funny tummy...
So let me get this straight...
You think the govelly nut's
kidnapped every bobby.
I don't get it.
Yeah, something like that...
What? A pair of legs!
They can't make everyone into slugs,
or where would they put everybody?
You don't need to
worry about that.
But how am I going to get home?
I'm going to try one of these biscuits.
I've got ten hands!
My flink-ers are blurry.
Ben thinks it's gryphons.
Everything's fine.
I think you should drink
your coffee, as well.
It'll make you feel... nice.
Mm, delicious!
Go on.
Let's have a cooie.
No, thanks.
I don't want one.
Don't eat it! It's an ear!
It's an ear!
It's a who?
It's an ear.
Heh, good cookies, ears. Chewy.
Just thinking of
making a fresh batch.
My legs...
Come on, get up!
I've become a jelly man.
Come on!
A jelly man...
Stand up!
He's trying to kill us!
Come on, we've got to run!
Actually, cancel the run.
We can just walk.
He's really old.
Get off!
I've taken up cabinets...
Get off!
Here we go!
We have to go!
This is a funny dream.
This is not a dream!
What happened?
Well, James Bond got shot
and then he fell off a bridge.
But then it turns out he's alive
and he got into a lady's shower
without asking,
and he took an old lady
to the farm where he grew up.
It's a bit far-fetched.
No, what happened
to that old man?
Oh, he tried to eat us
and then the blue monster
killed him.
He tried to eat us?
What is happening?
We've barely been here a day,
we get chased by a blue monster
and an old man tries to eat us!
Well, you don't seem
that bothered.
I'm fine.
We need to get out of here.
Yeah, I've been thinking
about that.
I think we should stay here.
We should hide
and wait for help to come.
Ben, I want to go home.
I want to see my family again.
We don't know if this is happening
just in New York or everywhere.
We've got to find out!
I'm not going outside.
There's that blue monster.
You sure you're all right?
I don't want to die!
We get to the airport,
we fly home.
What if there's a blue monster there,
or another old man trying to eat us?
What if the planes are
being flown by blue monsters
and all the passengers are
old men who want to eat us?
We could check...
We can see all over the world.
Look! Loads of them still working.
"JFK Airport...
New York."
That's near us, right?
There's nobody there.
It's normally quite busy.
There's nobody there.
What about Tokyo?
I heard there's loads
of people in Tokyo.
Not any more.
What about Alaska?
Who cares about Alaska?
Look - Every major city
in the world, abandoned!
What the hell?
What the hell is going on?
So maybe those guys were right.
- What guys?
- The ones on YouTube.
- The ones who've left us a message.
- What message?
When did they leave this?
A couple of hours ago.
You were asleep.
- Why didn't you wake me up?
- I was watching Skyfall.
Just play it!
Ugh! Stupid geeks...
Hi. Pm Jack.
This is Dwayne.
We've seen your message
and we're letting you know
that you're not alone.
We've got a good idea
of What's happened.
Come with us if you Want to live.
No! You don't have to say that.
H makes H sound more important.
No, it doesn't.
It's just a line from The Terminator.
As far as we know,
most people on Earth
have disappeared.
We're in Toronto.
We'll post the address below.
Come and join us.
We know the answers.
- Come with us if you Want...
- Stop saying that!
They're idiots.
It's not "come with us
if you want to live."
it's "come with me if you want to live."
What was that?
The power's gone!
Great. How am I going to
find out if James Bond lives?
Give that ten minutes...
Well, we're leaving in three.
Look, the power's back on.
Has your phone got a signal?
- No.
- Nor mine.
- Know what this means?
- We can't watch pornography?
Something's happened
to the sat navs.
Sat navs?
L-low are we going to
drive up to Canada?
We'll have to use this.
Oh, you are joking.
No one uses maps any more!
There's nowhere
to put in the post code!
Use that at all the sign posts.
You'll figure it out.
Besides, you'll have to.
I'm driving.
We're going to get
a Ferrari, right?
I don't want a shit car.
We can get any car we want.
Any car that has the keys in them.
Yeah, and I'll make sure it's a Ferrari.
If it has the keys, yes.
Who needs keys?
We'll just hot wire it.
Do you know how
to hot wire a car? I don't.
- I still think it's gryphons.
- Gryphons again?
- Why is it gryphons?
- Gryphons eat people.
Maybe while we were asleep,
the gryphons all
came back from the past
- and they've eaten everybody.
- Sure, Ben, sure.
Do you think Xena vanished?
I wonder if she's okay.
She should be. She's Xena!
If she can't survive,
there's no hope for any of us.
Wish it was just me
and her left alive.
She'd never go out
with you, no of fence.
She would if I was
the last man on Earth.
In fact, any woman we meet
is going to want to have sex with us.
- Like A Boy and His Dog.
- A Boy and His Dog?
Yeah, the film with Don Johnson.
All the women wanted
to have sex with Don Johnson
because he was
the last fertile man left on Earth.
And because he was Don Johnson.
Besides, how do you know
Xena wouldn't prefer me?
Yeah, right! Once Xena sees me
and my Ferrari,
she'll be all over me.
Maybe she will.
Look what I found...
U I q
This car is not a Ferrari.
It's not my fault
they put the logo on the keys.
Stupid car! It got us lost!
No, you got us lost.
Told you I can't read maps!
I think a gryphon
changed all the sign posts.
Shut up about gryphons!
Just take a break.
We have to -
the stupid car's run out of gas!
Yeah, Ben. Look where we are -
a gas station!
We'll be fine.
Where are you going?
Where do you think?
- Toilet?
- Yes!
Guess there's someone in there...
I'm warning you,
if there's a blue monster in there,
you better not have used
all the toilet paper...
Someone forgot to flush.
Dirty bastard!
Oh, come on!
What's the matter with you?
Hey! I think this needs
to be turned on inside.
- Huh?
- These pumps aren't working.
It needs to be
turned on from inside.
Can you sort it out?
I really think
we should get some guns.
What if there's another
old man who wants to eat us?
We've been driving
for five hours straight.
Haven't seen a single person.
Exactly! And that's why I'd feel
a lot safer if we had some guns.
Can you get me some chewing gum?
And get some deodorant.
You stink.
I'll show you who stinks...
Get your own chewing gum.
U I q
Let's get to the car!
There's no petrol in the car!
Where'd she go?
The back door! Get the door!
Open the door! Open the door!
U I q
Get the back door!
Oh, my God...
I know!
She's quite cute.
Who are you?
- That's a funny name.
- Kill!
Have you seen anyone else?
Are there any other survivors?
What about the blue monster?
Have you seen a blue monster?
This is pointless.
She's clearly crazy.
We're just not asking her
the right questions.
Are we the last men
left alive on Earth,
and if so, are you part
of a colony of women?
I can't take much more of this.
Where do you think
she came from?
She's in a straitjacket,
so I'd say an asylum.
What's she doing
working in a gas station?
Well, she's not, is she?
She probably just found it
like we did.
I don't know.
There's something about her...
Yeah, she's insane.
Look, there's blood on her face.
- Whose blood is that?
- Kill!
- Could be her blood.
- Or the blood of somebody she's killed.
- Kill!
- Yeah, see? I'd say that's a clue.
Right. Let's pull up the car
and get going.
We can't just leave her here.
No, we can and we are.
Get any supplies you want.
Seriously, get some deodorant.
- I'm a bit smelly.
- Kill!
Don't think she minds!
Oh, for God's sake!
Yes, my name is Ben.
Can you say that?
No, it's Ben.
Kill... Ben!
Good, that's really good!
Hey, she can talk.
Great. Ask her why
she was in an asylum.
Kill, why were you in an asylum?
Yeah, I reckon she killed someone.
I still can't get a phone signal
and there's still no TV reception.
I'm not that worried about that.
Have they got Netflix?
Everything's so messed up...
Nobody's in control!
L-low do we get in touch
with anybody?
Kill, how to we get
in touch with anybody?
Cool! She's doing really good.
That's excellent.
It really is.
But she's definitely staying here.
No, she's not.
She's fine.
She's not fine.
She attacked us!
I think she's starting to like me.
It's just been ages
since you've spoken to a girl.
You can't talk.
You never speak to girls!
Ben, I had a girlfriend.
Marjorie Jenkins, remember?
That was seven years ago!
Seven years ago?
It was six years ago.
Listen, don't screw this up for me.
You don't have to whisper -
she's mad.
Don't ruin my chances.
She's really fit.
- She's in a straitjacket!
- Not totally!
One of these days we're going to have
to repopulate the entire human race.
I am not repopulating it with you!
Kill, calm down.
You're scaring her.
She's scaring me!
What was that?
Kill, wait here.
Oh, finally!
Something on TV.
It's not one of those
Danish crime shows, is it?
So boring.
Remember that episode
of Borgen we watched?
I don't think it's a show...
I don't know what it is.
It looks better than Borgen.
U I q
Friend. I'm your friend.
No, there's a "D" on the end. "Friend."
- Fren!
- Hey, all right! Have it your way.
I'm your fren.
This is such a bad idea.
We're trying to stay alive,
and you just lowered the chances
of us staying alive...
by a lot.
She's learning!
Look - "Stephen."
He is Stephen.
- She called you Stephanie!
- Cool.
Hey, she's getting a lot friendlier.
Kill, say "nice to meet you, Stephen."
Chop off your head!
U I q
What's this place again?
Niagara Falls.
It's flooded.
Who are you
going to show that to?
U I q
I had a nice sleep.
Good for you.
You should get some rest, too.
You've been driving for hours.
Well, this is it...
Canada looks the same as America.
I just hope they're normal.
I mean, they contacted us,
so they must be friendly, right?
Mm... We thought
that old man was friendly,
and he made biscuits out of ears.
Yeah, maybe she should
wait in the car.
She's not exactly a great house guest.
Yes, she is.
Now, Kill, what do we say
when we meet new people?
- "Hello?"
- Hello.
- "Pleased to meet you."
- I kill everybody!
Yeah, maybe you'd better stay here.
Now, you stay there, Kill.
Play with your chains or something.
Guess nobody's home.
Well, I think you're wrong.
I think someone is home.
- Arms?
- Yeah, we've got arms!
No, we don't have arms.
Glad you guys made it.
You're not crazy, are you?
It's just that some of the people
we've met lately have been very crazy.
Who's that?
That's one of them.
She a little... temperamental.
Want to come in?
We've got an XBox.
So you don't remember
anything about that night?
Nothing at all?
No. We woke up
and everyone had gone.
Yeah, and we missed
Xena, Warrior Princess.
So you didn't see this?
I went out for a run,
must have passed out,
and when I came to,
there were those lights.
I passed out, too.
I was in a bath tub.
Oh, that happens to me sometimes.
It's usually because the water's too hot.
My water wasn't too hot-
it was just right!
It's out belief
that whatever's happened
has something to do
with those lights.
And then there's this guy...
I've seen this!
It's a transmission of some kind.
It's been playing on different
channels at random times.
What do you think it is?
We've got a theory...
So have we - gryphons!
No, we don't think it's gryphons.
- It's aliens!
- Oh, I think it's aliens!
We believe the human race
has been kidnapped.
Like Invasion of the Body Snatchers,
but for some reason
they didn't take everyone.
- Well, that's where you're wrong.
- Hm?
Invasion of the Body Snatchers!
The humans weren't kidnapped.
They were replaced -
by pod people! Duh!
And you've seen no one else?
No one at all?
We were in touch with a few people
around the world after the event,
but since the net went down
we haven't been able
to reach them.
So why wouldn't the aliens take us?
That part we don't know.
Hang on...
You said in your message
that you had all the answers,
but you haven't got all the answers!
We're trying to help you!
We've got a few of the answers.
If you said you had only
a few of the answers,
we wouldn't have bothered
driving all the way down here!
Ben! What about this film?
Who is that?
We're not sure,
but we've got a good idea
where it is.
That tower?
It's about an hour away.
At first we thought the
video was some kind of curse.
You watch it and die,
that sort of thing - like Saw.
You mean The Ring.
Anyway, we've seen something, too,
and it beats that video.
Oh, yeah? What?
A blue monster.
We call it "the Blue Monster".
Good name!
It is, actually.
What is it?
It's like a big, sort of mutant.
We saw it in New York
and it attacked us.
Maybe it's one of them -
one of the aliens.
Perhaps that's it -
they're hunting us, like Predator.
Pity Schwarzenegger's
not around...
Yeah, or Danny Glover.
What, like in Predator 2?
I don't think so.
Ben, why don't you
go check on Kill?
Don't you tell me what to do!
I'm going to check on Kill...
We need to go to this tower.
We'll come with you!
I suppose you can come...
Kill's gone missing!
We have to find her!
- Is she dangerous?
- Yes.
No! She's not dangerous,
she's just...
God, what if
she's been kidnapped?
She's just run off. She's insane!
She's not insane.
She wouldn't leave me like that.
I'm not walking around looking
for some crazy girl.
We have to find her.
We can't just leave her!
Ben, you're being ridiculous.
Let her go! She's mental.
If you won't help me,
I'll just go on my own!
Oh sure, like you can
take care of yourself.
- Shut your mouth!
- Okay!
I've got an idea...
This cap is itchy.
This is perfect!
That camera can see
twice as far as you can
and can spot any trouble
before you're near H.
Well, I think you're all cowards.
You want to look for
your crazy girlfriend?
You're on your own!
What did he say?
He said, "Good luck!"
Okay, come on, let's go.
STEPHEN". We could be here
for hours, Ben.
You do know that, right?
I don't care.
I want to find Kill.
- I'm sure she Wants to find you as Well.
- She does!
U I q
Wait, where are you going?
What? What's Wrong?
What's wrong is the blue monster!
What are you talking about?
There's nobody here.
It's right in front of you!
I'm looking at it on the screen!
The blue monster is -
Ben, did you turn your cap around?
Where am I going?
Run northeast, Ben!
Forward, backward, left or right?
Just run!
Run as fast as you can!
I am running as fast as I can!
Is that the blue monster?
I can't see!
Tell him to stand still!
I don't know where I'm going!
Just get back here! Run!
He can't lead that back here!
Yeah, tell him to shake it off.
Ben, you need to shake off
the blue monster.
Shake him off?
How exactly do you
expect me to shake him -
What's happening?
Fm just failing over some bins.
STEPHEN". He's just
falling over some bins.
Now Fm just roiling
down a hill...
He says he's just
rolling down a hill.
Where's the blue monster?
I've lost him.
He says he's lost him.
Where did it go?
Does it just disappear?
No, it's normally pretty vicious.
H likes attacking people.
Ben, get back here!
That's not a good idea.
We can't just leave him outside!
He wanted to go
in the first place.
He's put us in danger now!
Are you sure
he's lost the monster?
Of course he has.
And he'll be stealthily
making his Way back right now.
What happened?
I outran it.
There's no way you
can outrun that thing!
You told me to run
as fast as I could,
and that's what I did.
It's obviously faster than
the blue monster can run.
He let you get away!
"Not this ship, sister."
I know that one -
Empire Strikes Back!
Star Wars, actually.
- We shouldn't have answered your SOS!
- Dwayne!
It's true!
He led that thing right to us!
If you've got a problem with me,
you should just come out
and say it.
Okay, I've got a problem with you.
- Yeah, what problem?
- You're a big, hairy dick!
Yeah, well, you'd know.
Okay, calm down.
Nothing's happened, alright?
- Nobody's got hurt.
- What about Kill?
L-low do you know
she hasn't been hurt?
- Go look for her again!
- I will!
- Ben, shut up.
- You shut up.
- No, you shut up!
- You can shut up!
Everybody shut up!
We need to work out what to do.
I've already
worked out what to do.
We stay here and make sure
that monster,
whatever it is, doesn't get in.
Staying put isn't going
to get us anywhere.
Yeah, that's the idea.
Why don't you go and shove -
Let's get going!
We can all fit in the car.
- What about Kill?
- Screw Kill!
- I'll screw you in a minute.
- I'd like to see you try!
Shut up.
Okay, we need to
find this beacon...
and we'll look for your
friend along the way.
You guys need to know something.
It's not good.
What is it?
I trod in some dog shit outside
and I think I got some
on your stairs.
Where's Jack and Dwayne?
They're just
getting their coats...
and I think Jack wanted to
clear up that dog shit.
At least we've got
some company now.
Safety in numbers!
He's going into the house!
He trod in that dog shit!
Is that Dwayne's arm?
I think so...
And is that Dwayne's foot?
I guess.
This does not look good...
Let's get the hell out of here!
Slow down, we might miss her.
That blue monster's here!
We're not slowing down.
He's not fast -
I outran him.
We got them killed!
They were trying to help us
and we got them killed!
- It's not our fault.
- It is our fault!
L-low did the blue monster
even find us?
We've been driving for ages
and he just turns up
out of the... blue?
Maybe he can teleport,
or, I don't know,
he can jump
really far like the Hulk.
Maybe there's more than one.
More than one?
You think?
I'm worried about Kill.
She can handle herself.
I'm sure we'll run into her.
This place looks alright.
Let's stop here.
I've always wanted to
break into a house.
We're not breaking in...
We're just slowly getting inside.
Obviously it's called "breaking"
because you have to actually
break something, otherwise -
Okay, well, it looks safe...
Ben, don't you think Kill
should be, you know... restrained?
No, she totally trusts us
since you hit her with the car.
There's still nothing on.
Do you think they've
got some DVDs?
This house is really nice.
Why can't I live
in a nice house?
Because you work
in a post office?
At least it's still got power.
- Huh?
- I said at least we've still got power!
Look at this...
My mum doesn't have any
pictures of me up in her house.
That's 'cause she hates you!
All these books...
Nobody's ever
going to read them.
- Oh, my God!
- What?!
Oh, my God!
What is it?
- Ice cream! How amazing is that?
- Ice cream!
Yeah, that's right, Kill, ice cream!
Chocolate and marshmallow.
Sorry, do you want some?
Can you put it in a bowl?
Oh, is the internet working?
I haven't checked my email in ages!
I bet I've got loads of junk.
No, it's still down.
I guess on the plus side,
I don't have to keep updating iTunes.
If everything's shutting down,
we're going to get more blackouts.
Sooner or later,
it'll go out completely.
Kill, are you sure you don't want
ice cream instead of cabbage?
No? Enjoy your cabbage...
We need to find this place.
Could be anywhere.
Those guys thought it was close.
This is a nice house.
You know what?
I fancy a lie down in a nice bed.
All snuggled up.
Kill, do you fancy
a lie down in a nice bed?
Nice beds!
Please! You're not
going to bed together,
not while I'm here.
Plus you should take a bath.
You smell like a badger.
Okay... Kill, let's go
and have a bath, hmm?
- No!
- You suggested it!
Whatever. I've got more
important things to think about.
They seemed to think
that tower was here...
Come on, let's have a bath.
Oh, if a witch comes
crawling out of the TV,
you'll let me know, yeah?
Sure, sure...
Who are you?
I guess we better get undressed.
I'll tell you what -
I'll go first.
- Fat man!
- Pardon?
Fat man in the bath!
Yeah, you're doing really well.
Hi. Hang on - what?!
Oh, we took a bath.
- Gross!
- Kiss.
- I'm sorry...?
- Kiss Kill!
- You kissed Kill?
- It just sort of happened...
And you put her in that dress?
That just sort of happened, too.
Oh, and it's not "Kill" anymore.
I thought she needed a nicer name,
so she's called Killie.
So from now on,
you have to call her Killie.
"Killie," got it.
So we check around these areas,
we find that beacon,
search around...
That building's got to be close.
Yeah, about that...
We want to stay here.
What do you mean?
Well, this is a really nice house
and they've got loads of DVDs.
- We want to watch Ratatouille.
- Ratatouille!
We can't stay here!
Why not?
Because it's not our house,
it's not out home,
and we need to get home.
But we can make it our home!
Put some pictures up,
take the bins out...
There's some good clothes upstairs.
The guy's the same size as me.
- Fat man!
- Yeah, alright, Killie.
Are you mad?
We can't live here.
It's safer here than it is out there,
and you don't know
what that man is,
or what those messages
are all about.
I mean, that beacon -
it might be a trap.
He might want to kill us!
Ben, we're miles from home!
And as far as we know,
the entire population has vanished.
Do we just sit here,
have hot baths, and watch DVDs?
Yeah, that's exactly
what I want!
Oh, fine.
Yeah, that's just fine.
Stay here, make yourself comfortable,
eat some popcorn,
and watch Ratatouille.
Fine, I will.
But don't blame me when that
blue monster starts hammering -
- He won't find us!
- He found us before!
Why are you -
Must be the ice cream!
Ice cream doesn't
make you sick, does it?
You took it from the freezer, right?
Of course I did!
There's been power out.
It would have melted and refrozen.
It must have gone off!
I'm going to pack up the car
and then we are going.
We always have to do what you say.
You always make things worse!
I make things worse?!
I'm the only one
trying to get us home!
No, you're always
telling me what to do!
I have to, Ben.
You never do anything!
You never help me find supplies,
you never help me fix anything,
you never help me work out
what the hell is going on!
- What?!
- You know what you are?
You're a lazy, selfish idiot.
I need to get to that beacon!
I am not lazy,
lam not selfish, and I'm not an idiot!
I'm not going to that stupid beacon,
and neither is Killie!
Neither is Killie!
Killie doesn't care about any of this!
She doesn't care about us, either.
She might not care about you,
but she certainly cares about me.
Sure. Don't tell me -
you're in love with her!
Well, I will tell you...
lam in love with her.
You're in love with her?
You're in love with a psychopath?
She's not a psychopath!
- Why are you being like this?
- I've never had a girlfriend!
Have it your way.
Stay here, get cozy,
and watch DVDs.
But when the power goes out
and shit starts
coming out of the taps,
you'll regret it.
Are you finished?
Then get out of my house!
Have fun.
I bet you're glad
you only had the cabbage, Killie.
U I q
U I q
Popcorn cake, Killie?
Pop scorn cake!
I came up with this recipe in a dream.
When I woke up, I thought,
"imagine baking a cake
that's got popcorn in it!"
I can't bake, so instead,
I just pressed a lot of
popcorn into a cake -
and it works exactly the same.
Whatcha watchin' now?
- They've got loads of boxed sets.
- Lost!
I'm not sure about Lost.
There's loads of episodes
where nothing really happens.
I guess we could give it a go...
Not that again!
That's where Stephen's gone.
- Stupid idiot...
- Lost!
Yeah, he will get lost!
You know what?
I don't miss him at all.
I really don't.
I haven't thought about him
once since he left.
Stupid Stephen...
I mean, why would he
want to leave all of this?
We've got loads of food,
loads of DVDs,
and we can have a bath
whenever we want!
- Do you want another bath, Killie?
- Lots!
Yeah, let's have lots of baths!
Oh, cake!
So typical...
I have to find this tower,
I have to work out what's happening,
and he sits around on his fat ass.
What the hell is this place?
I love this bathroom.
It's like they never
run out of fresh towels!
Don't you worry, Killie.
I'll make sure there's
plenty of bubbles...
You know what?
I think you and I are going to
be happy here for the rest of our lives.
Pop scorns cake!
Oh, balls...
No, I've gone off coffee recently.
So, you say you're an alien...
I am a Galactic Guardian.
We are a race of people
from very far away.
I suppose you could
call me an alien,
although I find that term
a bit offensive.
But an actual alien?
From space?
What? You expect me to be
buried under the ground
like in your War of the Worlds?
No, that's ridiculous.
I've always said -
The War of the Worlds?
Metal detectors!
They'd be discovered right away.
See, this car is so much cooler
than the one Stephen has.
I can get used to stealing cars.
Check out the radio!
Well, if there were something
actually on the radio,
it would be great!
No, we can't watch Lost
right now, Killie...
We kind of have to find Stephen.
- Lost!
- No, Killie, we can't watch Lost!
We had to leave that house.
There was shit
coming out of the taps.
- Lost!
- No, no more DVDs for a bit.
We have to find Stephen
and his stupid tower.
L-low hard can it be
to find a tower?
I mean, that's the
purpose of towers!
They're supposed to
tower over everything.
- Lost!
- Yes, alright, I admit we're lost.
So... where is everybody?
The entire human race
has been placed in a spaceship
orbiting the earth.
Again, I've gone off those recently.
Hey, that's Stephen's car!
That's not Stephen...
That's not Stephen at all!
Hey, that's my friend's car!
Where is he?
Stay right where you are!
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
That is a cool gun.
What's with your funny voice?
Oh, I'm English.
Nice to meet you.
No, no, no!
Don't take another step!
For all I know,
you could be infected.
Infected? No way!
We just had three baths.
You could be infected
and not know it.
You could be turnin'
into a zombie in no time!
You really don't know
your monsters very well, do you?
I know my zombies all right...
Zombies sound funny.
I told you I'm English!
What's up with you?
Your planet is
facing a catastrophic event.
We urgently had to suck
all of the human race off Earth
and out of harm's way.
So why haven't I been...
sucked off?
Our technology
didn't quite have the power
to beam everyone up in one go.
I'm here to find any stragglers.
So we're like the bits of dirt
left behind after you
hoover a carpet?
We began by rescuing the humans
we thought to be
the most important.
We left behind the people
we considered to be dangerous,
or, um - how can I put this?
What, me and Ben?
But since then I've been
observing the planet
and I've come to the conclusion
that you and your fat friend
also deserve to be saved.
Seriously - you're an alien?
Prove it.
Fair enough.
Nothing's wrong, Killie.
We're fine. Just relax.
Well, she doesn't look fine...
In fact, she kind of
looks like a zombie.
I told you already,
we are not zombies.
We just watch DVDs -
zombies don't watch DVDs.
Don't move!
This coffee's quite nice.
I must take some back with me.
If you've come to rescue us,
why make us come here?
Why not just suck us up again?
Our sucking machine
is low on power.
I have to manually beam you up
from a specific point.
It's a pain in the ass,
to be honest.
But you could have just said,
"Come here."
You didn't have to
make that weird video.
The video is subliminal.
It gives instruction
without you having to think.
I'm rather proud of it, actually -
although it would have
been better with some music.
What about the blue monster?
Is that some galactic race
you've been battling for centuries?
The blue monsters
- No, Stephanie...
- Uh, Stephen.
They're nothing to worry about.
- They just like to chase things.
- No, they do more than that.
Honestly, they're harmless.
Besides, you've got bigger
things to be worrying about.
We must beam up to the ship
before the disaster strikes!
The disaster being...
Why, the asteroid, of course.
A giant asteroid is going
to strike planet Earth
and destroy all life upon it.
Please don't shoot us!
I see you're Canadian -
do you like hockey? I like hockey!
And I like maple syrup, and...
what else does Canada have?
BENZ Killie!
Killed it...
Whoa! Too slow, big boy!
I could shoot
you down there, you know...
like a real pig.
Like a real, fat pig in the dirt!
You know what's funny?
I said, do you know
what's funny?!
No, what?
Well... It's just that I've been
pretty lonely since everybody left.
But having met you two, well,
I've come to realize
I much prefer being on my own.
So you're going to let me go?
Let you go?
So you can just
creep back in here
in the middle of the night
and eat me?!
I told you,
I'm not a zombie -
and neither was Killie!
Are you sure about that?
'Cause she looked like a zombie.
And you're definitely
dumb enough to be one.
Well, you're wrong!
Really wrong!
Am I now?
Well, pig boy, that's because
you do not know what I know...
That the whole
population of the world
has turned into zombies,
and they've all
marched off someplace
to prepare to take over...
Zombie Earth.
That's the stupidest theory!
Who you calling stupid?!
I'm sorry! I meant to say
that's an excellent theory!
Now, I've been
wonderin' somethin'...
Do you know what
I've been wonderin?
Where to go on holiday?
I've been wonderin'
what you'd look like...
without any skin.
Without any skin?
Well, it's just that I've skinned
a lot of animals in my time...
But a man?
I ain't never skinned a man before.
We could just talk.
We could talk about
anything you want!
Have you ever been to England?
It's really nice!
You'd like it there...
Although the food's
not that great.
I'm done talkin'.
Besides, you'd probably
be too busy screamin'!
Come on, big boy!
Come on!
No, please don't
take my skin off!
Please don't take my skin off!
It's alright, little piggy.
It's going to be okay!
There's going to be
a little bit of blood, is all.
Are you all right?
What the hell was that?
Did he hurt you?
Yes, he hurt me...
And he tried to take off my skin!
We heard a gunshot.
What are you doing here?
We had to leave the house.
There was shit coming
out of the taps...
Now who is he,
and how did he shoot
a laser out of his hand?
This is going to sound weird,
but he's an alien.
My warrior princess!
She was trying to protect me!
You can shoot lasers
out of your hands -
I don't suppose you can
bring the dead back to life, can you?
- Yes.
- What?
I can bring the dead back to life.
This is my death hand,
and this is my healing hand.
You have to be kidding me!
What are you waiting for?
Oops, wrong hand.
That could have
been embarrassing.
U I q
Killie, can you hear me?
Ugh, my head hurts.
Oh, your...
I'm sorry, what?
Oh my God, Ben!
Thank God you're alright!
What happened?
Killie, you sound different.
Stop calling me "Killie".
My name is Susan.
Oh, I think I might have
healed her a bit too much...
- Oh, Killie - or Susan!
- Oh, please!
Oh, honey...
You really stink.
L-low can you smell
this bad already?
We just had, like, three baths.
I don't get this at all.
Oh, hi. I'm Susan.
Oh, hello.
I'm Andrew.
- Andrew?
- Yes.
- You didn't tell me that!
- I didn't have a chance.
You wanted to know
about the world ending.
- I'm sorry, what?
- Yeah, we need to talk...
Alright, you can start
by apologizing.
You called me a lazy,
selfish idiot.
Okay, well,
I'm sorry I called you that.
Alright, I'm sorry, too.
I guess I've been a bit useless.
And I'm also sorry I called you
a lanky, really annoying prick.
Okay... Hang on, did you
actually call me that?
And I'm sorry I tried to
kill you and... stuff.
Okay, you are definitely weird.
So we're friends again?
Yeah, we're friends.
What the hell are you doing?
But Ben, you're going to turn
into a zombie! He said so!
I out it on a branch -
while I was saving you from him!
Oh, right...
So there probably aren't any zombies.
- You dick!
- You're the dick.
Come on, boys,
let's go get something to eat.
- Good idea, Susan.
- Thanks, Andrew!
I've got plenty of cookies...
As soon as it is light,
we must journey to the control unit.
There I can beam us up to the ship.
Can you fly?
No, I cannot fly.
L-low many of those lasers
can you fire out of hand?
About 28 per year.
He's not that impressive, is he?
So you're going to
beam us onto the ship
before the asteroid hits?
Yes, there you will
be safe with the others.
What about our friends and family?
Are they on the ship?
What about my mate Terry?
I'm not sure that
I've met Terry, but probably.
Cool. I've been trying to call him.
But what about Earth?
It's just going to be destroyed?
No, not completely,
although it will be uninhabitable
for several million years.
We will place you
in cryogenic sleep
along with the rest
of the human race,
and then place you back on Earth
once the radioactive fallout
from the asteroid has subsided.
This is too weird.
I just don't believe it.
An asteroid hitting Earth,
wiping everything off it!
You don't have to
just believe it - you can see it.
Oh God!
I'll have to get
a photo of that.
U I q
It's quite a long walk, I'm afraid.
I guess I should have
learned to drive.
Still, nice day for it.
We are almost there.
Wait for us, Susan!
You guys are so slow.
I think I preferred her
when she couldn't speak.
I think she's great.
I'm probably going to
ask her to marry me.
Do you want to be my best man?
Tell you what...
How about we beam up
onto this spaceship first?
Actually, I might ask Terry.
We must continue.
We are almost there.
You said that two hours ago!
Here it is.
This is actually
the new Teleporter 6-8.
It's got more memory, apparently,
and I think it's slightly faster.
That is one big-ass asteroid!
I'm glad I remembered to
put the rain cover on.
So, the bit where
we get beamed up...
Does it hurt?
'Cause the thing is I really
don't like getting hurt.
You will experience only
a small head pain...
Okay, cool.
Followed by a more intense pain
all along your spine.
Then all the atoms in your body
will be deconstructed,
transported into our laboratory,
and reassembled -
But you won't feel that... much.
Are we the only ones to
work out your video message?
- Isn't there anyone else?
- Not at all!
You weren't the only ones to
miss our original sucking-up.
Cool! So out of all
the other survivors,
we got here first?
- No. You took the longest.
- Oh.
I beamed all the others up yesterday.
Although, I am still waiting
on two others called
Jack and Dwayne.
Uh, yeah,
they won't be coming...
They kind of got killed
by the blue monster.
It was totally their fault.
Oh, well, there's no need
to worry, then.
That's all behind us now.
Susan, I really wish
you were still a psychopath...
Go for the eyes!
Stephen, get the gun!
U I q
Nice shot.
He's still alive!
Can you hear me, Andrew?
My time is at an end.
Can't you just heal yourself?
You can do that, can't you?
Use your special healing hand?
My powers are no longer
strong enough.
What about the spaceship?
You have to beam us onto it!
You must do it.
Is there a manual?
You must input the coordinates.
The sequence is
Have you got a pencil?
Say that again...
Did you mean, like,
three sevens, or seven threes?
You... idiots.
I shouldn't have bothered...
trying to... save you.
Say it again!
- 3-3-7- What was it?
- Shut up!
Don't forget to press the bu...
He's gone!
I mean,
he's not actually gone -
He's still here, but he's dead.
I think he said
But what was that at the end?
"Buh" - Did he mean "beam"?
Surely he meant "beam"!
- He didn't say "beam".
- Yeah, because he died!
I think it was
- 80?
- It was something like that.
We have to get it right!
I'm sure he meant "beam".
- You idiots!
- Just try it.
3-3-3-7-3- "beam".
Well, that was a big waste of-
I don't think those were
the right numbers...
I think they were,
actually, Susan,
because we've just summoned
a massive spaceship!
We weren't supposed
to summon a spaceship,
we were supposed to beam
ourselves onto one.
It's fine! I guess this
is how we get beamed up.
Wow, we just summoned
a spaceship!
- We did it!
- We did it!
We just hailed
the biggest cab in the galaxy!
The entire human race
is aboard that!
I told you those weren't
the right numbers.
It's raining men...
Oh my God!
I think that's Terry!
So, do you want
to be my best man?
- Sorry, what?
- I'll tell you later.
I guess on the plus side,
we did stop the asteroid
from hitting Earth,
so it's not all bad.
Ben, we just killed
the entire human race!
I thought I was bad -
all I did was kill 12 people...
Andrew the Alien was right.
We're really under-intelligent.
So what do we do now?
Just wait around for a while,
see what happens.
Oh my God!
GTVPhons! I I!
I fucking hate gryphons!