#Stuck (2014) Movie Script

Whoo, hoo, hoo, hoo
Whoo, hoo, hoo, hoo
Whoo, hoo, hoo, hoo
I wasn't feeling low
I wasn't feeling high
Baby kept me up all night
He kept me up all night
And I gotta get goin',
I gotta get goin'
I gotta get goin'
before the morning light
I wasn't up for games
of who's wrong or right
And baby, when you put
up a fight,
you kept me up all night
And I gotta get goin',
I gotta get goin',
I gotta goin'
back onto my home
Whoo, hoo, hoo, hoo
Whoo, hoo, hoo, hoo
Whoo, hoo, hoo, hoo
Whoo, hoo, hoo, hoo
You know, I...
I left my car at the bar, so...
- Really?
- Yeah.
Pretty sure I was in
no position to drive.
Yeah, well, I'm...
a little fuzzy on
that part myself.
Okay, I'll...
I'll take ya back there.
Or, you know,
I could just call a cab if...
That's okay.
I'll take ya back there.
Well, this is not ideal.
Oh yeah
Don't leave me hangin'
Like you don't care
Last night was bangin',
but now, we're goin' nowhere
You think it's easy
to live in my skin
You wouldn't tease me
if you, if you knew
where I've been
What do you think, man?
Cock suckin' motherfuckin'
Don't be that guy.
No, I'm gonna be that guy.
Gonna buy you a diamond ring
And if that honkin'
jerk don't stop
Mamma's gonna pop
a cap in his mother...
You know what, buddy?
I got a poopy diaper in here
and no wipes, all right?
Think I got it worse off.
I love you, honey,
but if you would sleep home
one night instead
of staying at his house,
you would be here
helping me instead of me...
I did.
Okay, that sounds good.
Head, shoulders,
knees and toes
Mom, he's on my side!
She's lying, I'm not touching.
I'm not touching!
Stop it!
You guys, cool down,
you two, cool it.
Do not make me come back there.
I didn't even do anything.
Okay, please, honey,
stop with the crying!
Stop picking on me!
You know what, if you guys can't
sit still for 20 minutes,
I'm turning the car around.
That's what we're doing,
I'm turning around.
We're not going.
Yeah, right.
We're not even going anywhere.
There's just millions
of cars in our way.
You lost that one.
What the...
I need to...
Go ahead.
No, what were you saying?
I was just wonderin'
what the hell was goin' on here.
What are you doing?
Gettin' comfortable.
You can't do that.
What if we start to move?
We're not goin' anywhere.
But what if we start to?
Well, then I'll go!
I need to...
I just really need
to not be here right now.
Yeah, well...
if you woulda snuck out
like any decent one night stand,
we wouldn't be, right?
I can feel you
staring, you know.
This is ridiculous.
Everyone's turning
off their engines.
There better be a big
wreck up there.
What did you just say?
What, if my time's being wasted,
I'd like it to be
for a good reason.
Oh, you are kinda dark.
What, a little twisted
up metal never hurt anyone.
No, I'm actually pretty sure
that that is the exact
type of thing that hurts people.
It's just that there's
nothing worse than
when traffic lifts
for no reason.
Except for maybe, you know,
wishing somebody
getting in a car accident.
There's that.
Is it so wrong
to want a little evidence
to justify all this
as opposed to,
"Oh, you're just freed up,"
and you don't even know why
you were stuck
in the first place.
I'm sorry, but a giant fire
would make it
at least worthwhile.
There's gotta be
a science behind traffic, right?
Don't ya think?
No, I don't.
I do, a lot, actually.
You know, it's like,
none of that makes sense,
you know, like it kinda...
Kick off your shoes,
it's gonna be awhile,
and talk to your neighbor,
and please,
keep the road rage
to a minimum, folks.
It's a fucking Sunday, people!
Heading north down to the south
bound 406 double lane road.
Both directions,
all the way up the highway
and down the interstate.
Turns out, sorry,
there is no reason,
but, as soon as we hear...
It can't just be cause
of some guy who slams
on his brakes to stare
at some ducks,
or 'cause he spills
a Slurpee on himself.
There's gotta be
a mathematical equation
to all of this, right?
I think about guys
who get into the carpool lane,
even though that's
going slower than
the normal traffic.
Makes no sense.
Oh, my God, there better
be a dead body up there,
because I just can't
take this anymore.
Now, somebody has to die?
Yeah, they do, thanks to you.
Why don't we just go
all the way and just say
somebody loses their head.
That'll be fun.
Put that out in the world.
Somebody gets decapitated,
so it'll be worth your time.
There's something
seriously wrong with you.
We have that in common.
It's true.
Totally true.
What's that?
Oh, you know, it's just easier
to have sex with a stranger
than converse with one.
You want me deep inside you?
I want you inside me so deep.
Give it to me.
You give it to me.
Don't you want me
to give it to you?
Yeah, yeah,
just put it in already.
Okay, okay.
You like that?
You're screwing the blanket.
Good try.
I can't feel anything
with this thing on.
Okay, I told you
you couldn't get it in.
I guess that is what she said.
Well, I guess they don't
call it a one night stand
and the morning after
for a reason, right?
What are you doing?
Do you need any help?
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Oh, man, that's nasty.
What is she doing?
You let that all out, honey.
Fuckin' bullshit!
You disappoint me.
You're better than that.
If it's any consolation,
I have that affect
on all women.
You don't have to try
to be charming or...
funny right now.
I'm perfectly fine.
Are you sure I can't
do anything?
I'm fine!
Nothing came out by the way.
I'm starting any day
At last
Baby, please, come with me
I've had enough of fantasy
But maybe if I promise you
A promise is enough for you
I'll be back
I won't wait
what's the verdict?
'Cause it looks like
we have quite the hung jury.
You are so sexy.
I've had another fantasy
But maybe if I promise you
A promise is enough for you
You've been naughty.
Another fantasy
But maybe if I promise you
Want some of this?
Oh, yeah.
Come here.
Come get me.
Whoo hoo, whoo hoo,
whoo hoo, whoo hoo
Come here.
Don't leave any marks!
I'm serious!
All right, all right.
Oh, look what I found.
Sexy time!
Just put it in me.
You want me to fuck you?
No, I want you to do my taxes.
You want me deep inside you?
I want you inside me so deep.
Give it to me.
You give it to me.
So, you're a florist, right?
It's a shame,
I really like flowers.
To think I could be
sitting in a cab right now.
You're such a nice guy.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm... I'm just
impressed that you
remembered my name.
You were more
sober than I thought.
Was I?
Yeah, 'cause...
oh, you just meant, guy,
like I'm a guy.
No, 'cause that's my...
Right, Guy!
See how that worked?
Well, I guess I just
got lucky with that one.
It happens.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
So, what kind of
an attorney are you, Sara?
I do international,
commercial arbitration.
Oh, cool.
What jurisdiction?
You have no idea what I do.
Nope, not in the slightest.
I deal with dispute
resolution over
international sale of goods.
I'm an accountant.
I do people's taxes.
Well, that's easier.
To explain.
Sure, I know what you meant.
I think I hired a lawyer
for a traffic ticket one time.
Oh yeah, how'd that
work out for ya?
It was like 140 bucks
for a 10 minute phone call.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You got off cheap.
It was dismissed before
you could even do anything.
I woulda charged you double.
Just when I was likin' ya.
Tell me you're being sarcastic.
What can I say.
You can take the girl
out of Brooklyn, but...
I like Brooklyn.
I think I have
some family up there.
Yeah, everybody does.
I can't get it in.
That's what she said.
Oh my God, really,
with that one?
You're leanin' on my doorbell.
Look at that.
The city is gorgeous!
Oh my gosh.
I love the sound of ambulances.
It's so soothing.
Reminds me of home.
Give me a tour.
This is it.
Oh, my God.
Well, give it a whirl
before ya judge.
That's real money in there.
Okay, this is awesome.
Ooh, you play?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, oh...
it's loud.
Oh, sorry.
And the neighbors.
That is some hot ass music.
Look at that.
Where was this taken?
I don't know.
You don't know?
I don't know, I have no idea.
But, I prefer it that way,
you know, 'cause then it's mine,
wherever I want it to be.
Yeah, but I would
still wanna know, you know?
It's in your home.
Ooh, old school, I love it.
Can I play it low?
But you have to play
it really low, please.
Oh, oh, listen to that crackle.
Oh, you just don't get that
on nineteens, you know?
Well, glad you appreciate it.
How can you not, though?
It's just so damn...
Look at this place.
You've done pretty
good for yourself?
This is like
the softest carpet ever!
This is amazing.
Oh, I love this carpet.
I just wanna have sex with it.
Where'd you say
you were from again?
Don't you think that
we're way passed that
get to know you chit chat
phase, Greg?
It's Guy.
You know, we just never
got around to any of that.
There's just one,
teensy-weensy little thing
you need to know about me.
What's that?
Are you gonna take me like this,
or like this?
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna...
make us some drinks.
Well, that works, too.
I think I have vodka,
a little bit of tequila.
how many ladies have you had out
on that balcony?
That is none of your business.
We're gonna do vodka.
Just bring out the bottle.
I don't need a fancy drink
with a twist in it
or anything like that.
So, I have...
cranberry and cranberry.
I'm taking this carpet
home with me.
Right, okay.
I will, too.
You have really good taste.
It's really neat in here.
Are you sure you're not gay?
You are makin' this
very hard on me.
I just...
I need to use the...
Me first.
Baby, I just
got your message
I heard you're
feelin' restless
Needing new adventures
A more uncertain future
This time count me out
I'm better off without
your doubts for now
You come here often?
Well, I guess that depends
on you, doesn't it?
Somewhere, something,
So, have you decided how
you're gonna close
this deal yet?
Jury's still out on that.
Oh, well, may I approach?
You may.
What did you have in mind?
I just...
You are out of order,
young lady.
Still deliberating, I see.
Yeah, this may take awhile.
Oh, promises are not for you
Work that thing
like it's goin' out of style.
Not a compliment.
The long-term effect
of texting can not be positive.
Oh, I know, right?
It's so annoying,
people being able
to get in contact with you 24/7.
Yeah, if I had mine,
we could text each other.
That'd be fun.
Yeah, that must suck.
Went on a date once
with this girl
that texted the entire time.
It was so annoying.
Okay, I'm gonna go find out
what the hell's goin' on.
All right, let me know.
I will not play
by your rules
You know, I've heard
them before
I'm not a kid, I'm not a fool,
I'm walkin' out that door
Can you feel it
Yeah, baby, can you feel
me comin' like a whirlwind
Mind and body open
Gonna jack it up, yo
Through the top,
'cause I can't stop
Gonna take you
where you ain't never been
Through to sin
Yeah, baby, can you feel
me comin' like a whirlwind
Mind and body open
Gonna jack it up, yo,
to the top
So, I got a bit of bad news.
I didn't see any sign
of a car wreck.
But, that's not to say
that further down the line
there's not like
mass carnage everywhere.
Oh, well I'll keep
my fingers crossed.
Oh, I ran into
a couple cops, also stuck,
that politely told me
to stay the hell in my car.
So, status quo then.
It appears so.
Another vibrating device
that men have to compete with.
How fun.
Just so you know,
I wrote the letter "U"
as opposed to the word
"y-o-u" in a brief recently,
so that would be
the effect of texting.
Total butchering
of the English language.
Thank God for spell check.
You're quick.
When I have to be.
Why, is that surprising?
Under this circumstance,
yeah, it's not typical.
What, only stupid girls
are allowed to go home
with some random dude?
Just me, usually, I mean...
I wouldn't judge
a girl's intellect
based on her life choices
while under the influence
of a margarita.
Whose margarita?
Yeah, that was great.
You know what,
you go ahead and judge.
All right.
Are you serious?
Texting, this fucking texting!
It's ruining the world.
Honestly, who the hell
needs to get a hold of you
at eight A.M.
on a Sunday morning?
Somebody, boyfriend maybe?
Well, I hope he's not
the jealous type
because I am a lover,
not a fighter.
You know, I'm really not
the type to impede
on somebody else's happiness,
so I think that we should
probably just end this
right now.
Oh, well, I understand.
Don't be so broken up about it.
I'm not.
Well, it makes sense though.
You don't really seem like the
single type, not sober, anyway.
What single type?
There's a type, you know?
You know, there's a certain
charm, there's a certain spark.
- That I'm lacking.
- There's a spark.
Constantly looking,
zigzagging around.
Interested in other people.
What, you don't have
any married friends?
- All my friends are married!
- Oh, okay.
Well, you should ask them.
I mean, that's why I'm invited
to all their parties,
so they can watch all
the flirtiness go down
and not be bored.
- That's messed up.
- Right?
Think about that the next time
you and your boyfriend
have people over.
So, what's his deal?
Is he a lawyer, too?
He's 6'3", all muscle,
black belt in taekwondo.
Don't worry, I think that he
finally understands
that we're seeing other people.
My vote is that you take me
home with you.
Oh, is that right?
And do dirty things to me.
Somebody agrees with me.
Well, that somebody doesn't
always make the best decisions.
Seems pretty smart to me.
Oh, God.
You are bad.
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, you are bad.
I know it when I see it
and you are bad.
Oh, you're gonna make me
do things I shouldn't.
And I'll make you do things
that you thought you couldn't.
Wait, you're not gonna
take me home
and chop me into little pieces,
are you,
'cause I'm not really in
to that kind of thing?
You're not?
Okay, I think you're sexy...
Oh, wow.
You just got me a little wet.
- Oh, my god.
- Excuse me, sir?
I don't know about this.
Your boyfriend's calling.
It's not my boyfriend.
- Oh, does he know that?
- Oh, my god.
Can you do something
to get us moving?
- I mean, really.
- And what would you suggest?
I don't know, it's just...
What, is the President
in town or something?
You know, it may not be
my place to say,
but what's up with this guy,
gettin' you all freaked out?
It's not a guy,
it's my crazy sisters, okay?
We were supposed to meet up
and whenever we have a plan,
my whole world
has to revolve around it.
I just thought we'd be
out of here by now,
so I don't know what to type.
Why don't you try
typing the truth?
What, "Hey guys, I had sex with
some random stranger last night
and I won't be able to make
our morning brunch after all
'cause I'll be stuck
in the drive of shame
and forced to make chit-chat
for God knows how much longer. "
So, is that what
you want me to write?
That sounds about right.
My phone would explode, we don't
have that kind of relationship.
Really, I tell
my dad everything?
He's gonna get a kick
out of this shit.
I'm so glad my nightmare
makes for a good story.
Oh, now, don't take all
the credit.
It's my nightmare, too.
I'll just tell them
I'm not feeling well.
Oh, my god, I have to get
the hell out of here!
Wow, you know, I'm getting
a really, like, over bearing,
clingy vibe from you right now.
- You are so not funny.
- It's cool.
I've never actually really
had a stalker, this is fun.
If it wasn't five miles
in heels, I would be walking.
I'm all for the women
empowerment thing, right,
but don't let the after sex
cuddle chemicals
go to your head.
You'd have to make me orgasm
to release oxytocin,
so don't worry,
you're in the clear, buddy.
Ouch, wow, you are ruthless.
I bet you're really good
at what you do.
When I have to be.
Why don't we just listen
to some music?
- To the 808 show on KSOC...
- Can you just...
Okay, I'm just...
I'm getting there.
Give me three seconds to get out
of talk radio.
Well now, it's just skipping,
it's skipping.
You have to stop
pressing the button.
It's static, you like that?
You wanna listen to some static
for a while?
Just change it, okay?
All right, I'll change it,
there we go.
There we go, more talk radio.
Well, stop pushing the button.
You passed a good song.
Stop pressing the button
and then it won't stop...
I have stopped pressing
the button.
And in the joy
of a new beginning.
- Come on, man.
- There's traffic on the highway.
No news on what's causing this
jam, but as soon as we know,
you will, too,
so get comfortable.
You like that, we'll listen
to this for a while?
Don't, I know how to use it,
this is my car.
I'm trying to get back to that...
That concludes our music.
You know, I just wanted
to cut loose, just one night,
just for once in my life,
you know?
One night with no expectations.
This is what I get.
Well, at least I know why
I never did this before.
Come on.
Every girl says that.
Oh, I've never done this before,
this so isn't me.
Honestly, that's the oldest
clich in the book
and frankly, I expected
more out of you.
Well, maybe the really smart
girls that you're used
to taking home say things
just to get a reaction
or some false sense
of non-slutiness,
but I say what I mean
and I stick to the facts.
It makes for a cleaner argument.
Well, first of all, this is
my Honda, not a courtroom,
second, I'm not arguing,
I'm just disagreeing.
You can't disagree with facts,
that's what makes them facts.
Otherwise, they'd be opinions.
No, they're your facts
and since you're saying them,
that makes them your opinion.
That doesn't make sense.
Yeah, it makes total sense.
- I'll explain it to you.
- Please do.
Okay, good,
since you're confused?
I'm not confused,
your logic isn't logical.
- Illogical.
- Okay, whatever.
You sure you're not
confused here?
I am a little bit, actually,
but only because
you're not making any sense
and not because I can't grasp
your attempt to be esoteric,
but really idiotic point.
Wow, is that what you do
in the courtroom,
just call the defense names?
No, I prove your illogic
via an analogy, okay?
But I thought I'd water it down
for the layman.
Oh, there you go again,
calling the defense names.
I'm a commercial
arbitrator, okay?
There's no defense because
there's no fucking courtroom.
I don't think
I appreciate your tone.
Five minutes of silence!
What, did you just give me
a time out?
I think that we should just have
five minutes to just regroup,
for both of us, okay?
No talking.
Okay, we were sort of in the
middle of that, but whatever.
This is kind of silence.
Be a little bit more selective,
then maybe you...
I'm alone in this world,
my only friend is a BIC
And opportunity was knocking
at the end of my wrist
Defended by my words,
I rock my tongue on my sleeve
But I made some bad choices
Oh, my god, I gotta pee,
I gotta pee.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I think we should just
agree to disagree, okay?
I hear you and I disagree.
And I agree, okay.
No, I disagree with agreeing
to disagree.
You don't wanna agree
to disagree?
No, I disagree with you
and I disagree
with agreeing to disagree
'cause I don't agree.
Disagreeing is not something
that we should agree on.
That just means that we
can't come to an agreement.
Well, I don't agree,
I think that you and I
can come to an agreement,
so I disagree with agreeing
to the idea that we can't
come to an agreement,
so all around, I disagree.
Well, you argue almost as well
as you dance.
Make it
Taste it
Touch it
Groove it
Move it
Prove it
Hit it
Tap it
Gimme some
Gimme some
Gimme some
Gimme some
I want it
Come and get it
I want it
Gimme some
You make me wanna
Make me wanna rub it good
I ain't tryin'
to fall in love
I just wanna-
- I want it
- Come and get it
I want it
Come and get it
Gimme some
So, why me?
I mean, you say
you don't do this,
so why's you come home with me?
You Travolta'ed your way
into my pants.
Oh, come on, I've danced
with a lot of girls.
They don't just drop skirt.
I had to put forth half
of the effort that I usually do.
- Usually?
- Yeah.
How many times
constitutes usually?
It's not like I'm some
player or something,
but I tend to have the type
of relationship that lasts,
like, one night.
Where are you going with this
because it kind of sounds
like you're calling me easy?
- No, that's not exactly...
- Pretty much.
Okay, fine, that's exactly
what I'm saying,
but because I don't think
that that's you.
Otherwise, this wouldn't be
so awkward, right?
It would've just been, like,
"Whatever, no big deal. "
- You would know.
- Yeah, wait, no.
You don't know me.
No, I don't, but thanks
for reminding me of that.
Look, usually, I'd have
showered you off by now
and gone about my day.
So, let's consider this
a moment in time
that should've never
happened, right?
Whether it's the president's
or some, like,
fiery car accident
where people are getting
decapitated all over.
That was you, okay?
The point is we shouldn't
probably be here right now
and because we'll most likely
do our separate ways
and never see each other again,
I say we take full advantage
of this opportunity.
Take advantage?
Are you being creepy right now,
don't be creepy?
No, I'm not, I'm saying
that there's no reason
not to be dead honest
with each other
and the only girls that I know
that go to bars alone
are, frankly, alcoholics
or cougars.
Wow, you keep good company.
Which is why it doesn't add up.
So, either you're lying
and you do like me
and care about what I think...
Or I was in the wrong place
at the wrong time.
Don't you mean the right place
at the right time?
No, not with someone who says
they don't do this, Sarah.
That's what doesn't add up.
It's Holly.
What's Holly?
My name, if we're being honest.
If we're not, then it's Sarah.
What about Kim,
you sure it's not Kim?
That'd be pretty funny
after all this, but no.
That's so unnecessary, like I'm
gonna stalk you or something.
No, I just thought
it would be...
I thought it'd be easier
to be someone else, you know?
- For you maybe.
- Yeah, for me.
Well, I'm still Guy
if it matters.
I know you are.
- Dead honest, right?
- Sure.
Okay, why did you come back
in this morning?
What, so you wouldn't
make me feel like I was cheap?
I left my cell phone.
Well, now I feel cheap.
That, my friend,
is a purple nurple.
That'll get you through
any old kind of day.
Oh, that is awful.
Put hair on your chest there?
Hey, don't look
at my purple nurples.
That's horrible.
You're real funny
with the compliments there.
- I'm sorry.
- I guess I'll take it as such.
What can I say,
I'm a cheap date.
Coming at ya.
Oh, what, wait.
Good job, you can
keep 'em cominin'.
Keep 'em cominin', what's up?
I thought you said one more?
Of each.
Come on, 'bama slamma.
'Bama slamma,
how do you spell that?
Is that all one word there?
You're asking too many questions
and need to be drinking again.
Four, three, two, one.
Why can't you be ugly?
That one's worse.
These steadily get worse.
Come on tough guy, it's time
to spin a lady proper.
Oh, God.
Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on,
hold your thought, all right?
Just hold the phone here.
I really appreciate
what you're doing, all right?
And I thank you,
but I think that...
- I think we're even.
- Steven?
No, Guy.
Oh, wow, yeah.
See what you did, you went
and got a man drunk here.
Come on, I promise I won't
laugh at your dance moves,
even if they're terrible.
Maybe I should sit back down
here or something?
- Come on.
- Okay, okay.
No, I'm afraid I can't,
but you are beautiful,
all three of you.
Make sure you don't
regret this in the morning.
That is what
I'm in the mood for.
Okay, don't make me
eat the peanuts.
It's a pleasure
to meet you, not Kim.
And you not Steven.
Toodle loo.
You made the right decision.
It was the right choice.
I couldn't help but overhear.
You sort of dropped the ball
on that one, buddy.
Well, maybe you be a little more
comfortable at that joint
around the corner?
No, I'm good.
I'll just take another drink.
All right, well,
I'm just trying to help.
Wait, what joint
around the corner?
Oh, you know,
it's a boys bar for the boys.
You don't say.
I want it
I want it
I want it
I want it
Gimme some
You make me wanna
Make me wanna
I ain't tryin'
to fall in love
I just wanna
- I want it
- Come get
Baby, come and get it
Taste it
Touch it
Prove it
Move it
Groove it
Hit it
Tap it
I should've gone in for the kiss
right then and there.
These kind of things
can't be rushed.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Yeah, I just... I want it
to mean something, you know?
I mean, I didn't care
if I was the last to kiss
out of all my friends,
but it had to be Eliza Bross,
'cause I was in love
with Eliza Bross.
- How old were you?
- Sixth grade.
Sixth grade, you weren't afraid
of catching cooties,
'cause I had that,
you don't want that stuff?
- Wait, cooties are curable?
- No.
No, you're just stuck with them?
Yeah, they're just there.
Well, good to know.
When I was in third grade,
I rode my Schwinn
like 15 blocks to her house,
rang the doorbell, she answered,
but I asked to speak
to her father.
Said, "Sir, may I have
permission to take Eliza
to the sixth grade dance. "
- In third grade?
- Yeah, man.
I wanted to lock that down,
didn't want to take any chances.
I gave Craig Grayson
my red crown
as a token of my love
in kindergarten.
Well, that is pretty adorable.
He ate it,
he just chewed it right up.
Guys can be such jerks,
never ends the way you think.
My first kiss was Jodie Fladal
in the back of the library.
It didn't mean anything,
it was just a kiss.
Life is cruel.
Seventh grade, there was
a spin the bottle party
and I was praying
the whole night
that it would land on Craig,
but every time
that stupid two liter
went around,
it was Arie Kowalski,
Arie Kowalski,
Arie Kowalski again!
Seriously, it was like
that thing was magnetized
or something, we must've kissed
11 times that night.
- What?
- Yeah.
You never got around
to kissing Craig?
Well, by that point, me and Arie
were pretty much boyfriend
and girlfriend, so...
I don't know, I guess
I'm just not the type
to go around kissing whomever.
No, clearly.
Hey, me and Arie dated
actually until, like,
the tenth grade, so...
Wow, by then,
Eliza was a lesbian.
- What about sixth grade dance?
- Oh, we went.
No kiss, how could she resist?
Well, I didn't really possess
those skills back then,
but that didn't stop my sister
from draggin' me to dance class
two times a week.
There was no boys in the class,
so she used to dress me up
in this, like, rhinestone outfit
and made me practice with
all her friends after school.
Eventually, I picked up a couple
dance moves along the way.
Well, you see, I grew up
with five siblings,
so I learned to dance waiting
in line for the bathroom.
I noticed the pee-pee shuffle.
Yeah, how'd that go again?
- Kind of like this, right?
- There it is, in the hips.
Yeah, and what about
your sister?
Is she still dressing you up
in all that glitter and...
No, fortunately, she got married
and opened up a baby factory.
Tell me about it, mine, too.
I'm just gonna have a boy first,
just one,
and then three years later,
a girl,
and then I'm closing up shop.
Yeah, just shutting
that shit down?
Just sealing it up forever.
Where I am going
'Cause I do things
that I have lost my way
Not many bars around here?
What's wrong with the one
you're in?
I meant your phone reception.
I have full bars
if you want to call her.
No thanks, I'm good.
Need a drink?
You know what,
I'm actually gonna take off.
Come on, just one.
- Just one?
- Yeah, just one.
Thank you, but I'm not
accepting charity
from pretty ladies anymore.
Oh, that's a strange rule
for a guy.
Strange rule for anyone really.
You're a strange guy?
Okay, kick a man when he's down.
Aw, now I gotta buy you a drink.
Unless you wanna keep up
the illusion
that you're just sitting
here alone.
I mean, she might still show.
Wow, do they teach you
this secret mind game
in some sort of school?
It's pretty much innate.
Let me ask you something.
Why, why do girls do it?
Why give a guy your phone number
if you're not interested?
Why text him witty banter
throughout the day?
And why set up a date if you
don't intend on keeping it?
He'll have what I'm having.
Yeah, I do get
the phone number thing though.
- Do you?
- Yeah, of course.
Because we put all this effort
into it and we get our hopes up
and then we wait
the three days before calling,
but then we call and it goes
straight to voice mail.
It crushes our hearts.
Right on cue.
Oh no, it's not what
you think, trust me.
It's just easier sometimes
with caller ID
to just... not.
Why not just give him
a fake phone number then?
That way he calls,
he doesn't get you,
end of social transaction.
But what if he calls
right in from of you
and then you're busted,
so awkward?
God forbid that the guy
you don't like
and don't wanna spend
any time with knows
you don't like him and don't
wanna spend any time with him.
Okay, but what would you prefer,
that she says
she has a boyfriend?
I don't know, how 'bout that
you're just not feelin' it?
I'm just not feelin' it.
You see, there you go?
And then I get up and walk away
and that's the end.
I don't like that,
where's the fun in that?
No, no, no, see,
none of this is fun
on the guy's side,
it's all work.
The fun comes, for lack
of a better term, when we do.
What a douche.
You're just enjoying
this whole thing.
- No.
- Yeah.
- Okay, maybe a little.
- Yeah, a little bit.
But it's a laughing with,
enjoying with kind of thing.
Oh, good, good,
that gives me confidence.
What the hell is this,
it's yellow?
This is on behalf
of my entire gender,
since you were stood up,
an apology.
Okay, in that case,
keep 'em comin'.
Oh, no, not if you plan
on kissing me, deathly allergic.
All right.
- What is that?
- It's a protein bar.
- We'll split it.
- Is that peanut butter?
What, oh shit, I forgot.
Unless you want me to go
into anaphylactic shock
with no chance
of getting me to a hospital,
kindly put it away.
All right, okay.
Over there, please.
FYI, girls like a guy
who listens.
- To everything?
- Deathly allergic.
I wasn't kidding.
All right, I'm sorry.
I had a buddy
who was allergic to latex.
- Yeah, right.
- He is, what?
If condoms were made
of bubblegum,
then all guys would be allergic
to Bubblicious.
Okay, fair enough.
But I am actually allergic
to shellfish though.
- Me, too.
- Oh, see?
We have another thing in common.
Along with coconuts,
cashews, Brazil nuts,
chocolates and bee stings.
Okay, not so much.
Does your throat close up?
Do you get those
hives everywhere?
- No, no, I just get drunk.
- What?
I know that it
sounds ridiculous,
but shellfish makes me
feel wasted.
I slur my speech, I lose
my balance, I get all happy.
That's bullshit
and completely unfair.
Hey, it's no picnic,
I get that pit in my stomach
every time I pass a Red Lobster,
I swear to God.
Well, if a bee comes near me,
it's no party, it's a funeral.
Oh, death by bee sting,
what a lousy way to go.
It almost happened once.
I was at a family picnic
and I was walking
and I stepped on a bee,
boom, anaphylactic shock.
The next thing I know,
I was on a gurney,
being rushed to the ER in front
of, like, a hundred
of my relatives,
all panicked and neurotic,
hence the overcautious
handling of your...
Were you about to say my nuts?
You little, dirty girl.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
So, when we were like, you know,
fooling around or whatever
last night, I could've
killed you
if I had a coconut daiquiri
or something?
Well, I wouldn't have
gone home with you
if you'd had a coconut daiquiri,
but I might've swelled up
and fainted.
My kiss does have that effect
on women.
Wow, it's nice
to actually meet you.
You, too.
Rob said to look for the girl
who walks into the bar
like she owns the place, so.
Oh, okay.
You're on a blind date?
Yeah, aren't you?
Oh, okay, I'm confused
you just said that you were Kim.
Oh, I know, I just kinda
wanted to go with it, sorry.
Wha... hold on, what if you are
Kim, but you're not telling me
'cause, you know,
you don't think I'm cute.
No, I think you're cute.
Let's play a game
What am I supposed
to do with that?
I will be the good
I'll take it now.
Hey, hey, excuse me.
Um, can I get a Jack and coke?
More Jack than coke.
Ask 'em why we can't
just get along
And if they don't answer
to my big knife
You can pull out your 45
And they can beg
for their lives
Let's play a game called
"Good cop, Bad cop,"
You can be the good,
I will be the bad
Let's find the lovers
who broke our hearts
And shoot 'em down
just for fun
He isn't really
a black belt, is he?
That was the one before.
Yup, yup what?
No, yup something,
or no yup at all,
so what's up with the yup?
Yup, you're the type of girl
that always has a boyfriend.
Oh, yup, pretty much
since high school.
I could tell, you got that vibe.
I don't have vibe.
You don't?
Okay, what were you
doing three years ago
for New Year's Eve?
What were you doing?
I was with Rick in Aruba.
You were with Rick in Aruba.
You weren't in Aruba with Rick,
you were with Rick in Aruba.
Yeah, so?
So you figure out
what you were doing
based on who you were with,
you know?
Like it's a measurement of time.
That's a serial
monogamist talking.
All right, what's your
longest relationship?
Okay, what's your
shortest relationship?
- This.
- Right.
So you're a serial monogamist.
And you're a serial datist.
Okay, well,
what do we have in common?
The beginning
of a really bad joke?
Look, I admit, I've had my fair
share of meaningless sex,
but I haven't done this
in quite a while.
Oh, that's comforting.
Yeah, I sort of made a vow
not to do this anymore.
Like ever.
You took... Oh, my God,
you're married?
No, I'm...
Yes, you are!
No, trust me, I'm not married!
Then what are you talking about?
Look, I can't meet a real girl
if I'm bangin' a bunch
of worthless chicks.
- Not cool!
- Okay,
worthless to me!
I don't mean you're worthless.
Oh, I... I'm sorry, stop!
Please, stop hitting me
for just a second
and let me explain, all right?
It's been seven months
since I woke up next
to this random Asian girl
whose name I still
don't remember,
and I promised myself right then
that I wasn't gonna have anymore
unemotional sex ever again.
Well, you need to work on that.
Yeah, well, I was doin' fine
up until I met you.
So, then why break
this mighty vow over me?
Call it a moment of weakness.
Wow, you really know
how to make a girl feel special.
I wasn't trying to...
Oh, smooth, yeah, keep going.
No, that's... that's
not what I meant.
- I meant that...
- So what,
this is all my fault?
You could've said "No",
you know.
I believe that I tried.
Who the hell knows
with all the poison you
were feeding me last night.
So what, I... I got you drunk
and took advantage?
Both of those things did happen.
You didn't stand a chance.
I'm the reason that
girls think guys are jerks.
I'm... I'm that girl,
I hate that girl.
I give girls like me a bad name!
I just gave myself a bad name!
You know how hard it is to not
have sex for seven months?
Please, I was in
a relationship for six years
that should have been
over after four.
I get not having sex
for a while.
You're like the poster child
for monogamy.
Well, which is why I don't
have genital herpes, so.
- Oh, that's good to know.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
All right, so since we're here,
you know,
and we did what
we did last night,
there's something
I wanna ask you.
Do I...
...do I-...
Never mind.
You did not just do that.
Okay, I'm sorry that I did that,
I hate it when people do that,
but... I just don't
wanna talk about it.
Come on, just say it.
No, I don't, just forget it,
forget I ever said anything.
What the hell was that?
What are you talking about?
What... that is very bizarre.
You freaked the guy out
right next to us.
- What guy?
- He's a sensitive soul.
Yeah, right.
Are you gonna ask me what
you were gonna ask me or not?
Do I look like
a epileptic when I cum?
Totally, is that what
you were gonna ask me?
Wait, I do, seriously?
- Yeah.
- Shit, really?
Yeah, you go,"
yeah, you like that?"
What, that's not what,
no, come on.
I literally thought
that you'd stuck your foot
in like an electrical socket
or something.
That's just... that's stupid.
Okay, okay, I get it,
you can stop laughing at me.
With the eye and everything?
What, I look like Popeye.
That's ridiculous, I don't
even wanna look at myself.
Did somebody actually
say this to you?
Yes, yes, but she wasn't
wearing her glasses
when we were doin' it,
so I didn't know if she
was to be trusted.
It's just weird, I just... I've
practiced this in the mirror
like a million times,
but every time I start
to get there my eyes close,
and I can't see anything.
No, I'm serious.
I literally, I physically
cannot, I know,
I can't keep my eyes open,
there's no... it's like a sneeze.
Like they just shut, you know?
And then after that
I'm just like,
"Who gives a shit
what I look like. "
Oh, God, oh.
There's something you should
know, by the way,
something else.
- What, oh God.
- No... no.
Last... it's just that last night
when I was down there,
you know, I didn't actually,
I didn't actually swallow.
Wait, you didn't?
No, I just... I spit it out
on the floor.
Hold on, how the hell
did I not know what?
What are you a magician?
I'm just wondering,
because, you know,
it's not like I was in
a meeting, I was right there.
I know, well, you were
in the throes of your.
Okay, all right,
we've covered that.
I don't know,
that's a little weird.
And expecting me to swallow
a stranger's man milk isn't?
I don't know, it's
a recreational hazard, right?
Unless it's on your allergen
list, what's the big deal?
It's just really personal,
you know,
if we were dating
it would be different.
Okay, how does the definition of
a relationship change anything?
You're either doin'
what you're doin'
with the guy you're doin'
it with, or you're not.
Well, sue me for wanting to know
a guy a little better
before I have a pool party
in my stomach
with 100 million
of his closes friends.
Wow, that is a case
that I just might pursue,
right there, council.
I mean, you know, you spit out
my essence like a Gobstopper.
- Come on.
- You kill a country
full of my DNA.
That's... that's genocide!
You're a monster!
Oh, my God!
You're a Republican.
My parents are both Republicans,
but just 'cause
they wanna save money.
They're pro-choice,
and for gay rights,
it doesn't make an sense.
Yeah, well, my sister's
a ham-eating Jew,
what are you gonna do?
I find it interesting
that people just
hear the parts that
they wanna hear.
I'm sorry,
did you say something?
Pork is nasty.
Well, we can finally
agree on something.
I used to eat
all kinds of animal
before I watched
this documentary.
Oh, no, come on, come on,
please, don't with that
'cause I... I really
love me some steak,
and I don't wanna ruin it.
You think that that's better?
They hang the animal upside
down, and they slit its throat
and they just let it
bleed out on the floor!
don't ruin this for me!
Just a minute ago,
you were talkin' about
how you swallowed my, you know,
my... however you put it,
can we just get back to that!
No, 'cause I didn't!
Yeah, I know you didn't,
but you acted like you did,
which I thought was
really sweet, really.
Okay, you're safe.
- Promise?
- Yeah.
It's just that there's all this
fecal matter in the hamburger.
Oh, you went
to the fecal matter.
- I'm sorry.
- That's ridiculous.
Done, sustained!
People like you.
All you wanna do is lock people
up in your tofu jail,
you blood-sucking lawyer.
You're the one that wanted
to be dead honest.
Yeah, but not about that.
In fact, not about anything
that would change
my view on anything.
Way to grow.
You slap me, you call me names.
I didn't call you any names,
what names did I call you?
Oh, well, I'm sure
you've been called worse.
And Steven.
That's pretty bad.
And now I don't know if I can
eat a hamburger anymore.
Oh boo-hoo,
I ruined Hanukah.
hold on.
Do you know the license
plate to this car?
No, how would I?
Yeah, it's APR-15,
do you know what that means?
April 15th?
April 15th, and you know why?
Because it's my car,
it's registered to me under
my name, my address, my car,
that means my rules.
When you're in your car
it's your rules,
but now you're in my car,
April 15th, my rules.
Okay, Dad.
Okay, so you go over
to your window
and think about what you've
done, I'm callin' five minutes.
You can't call five minutes,
that's my thing!
April 15th!
If we're both
not married by 22
Could I be so bold
and ask you
If we're both
not married by 23
Will you make my year,
and ask me
If we're both
not married by 24
Will you pass me
those knee pads
Oh, whoa, don't cry.
Do not cry, it's ladies night.
There is no crying
on ladies night.
Smile, there's
free drinks till nine.
There we go, that's a smile,
come on, free drinks till nine.
Free drinks till nine?
Beautiful ladies
that are crying,
double free drinks till nine.
Yes, all right,
you're gonna have fun.
You see that shit?
I'm gonna hit that,
oh, I'm gonna hit that.
My hand when I go,
will you hold
My hand when I go,
will you hold my hand
When I go
- Kim.
- Yeah.
If I get to 30
and I don't have a wife
I'll ask you nicely,
but I won't ask twice
If I get to 40
and I don't have a spouse
Boom, whoa-ho-ho!
Who calls that on a river, man?
I don't know who does it.
If I get to 60
will you let me slip away
Into an armchair
for the rest of my days
'Cause you've got your family
and I've got mine
Did you give her a kiss
and say you're sorry?
You guys could do
a high-five, yeah.
Can you blow it,
oh, that's good.
Yeah, no really.
Tell me, tell me the truth.
You know you miss me.
What time is firework spectacle?
Is this the line
for Space Mountain?
And finally, an update
for those of you
stuck in that dead-stop
traffic jam, it turns out,
and get a load of this,
the reason for the delay
is because of a.
My hand when I go,
will you hold my hand
When I go
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay.
You can handle this.
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
I think we're starting to move.
I'll make sure that.
I think you're seat
was a little more.
- Oh, just a little more up?
- Yeah.
- Like that?
- Like, yeah.
There we go.
Okay, all right!
- Hold on.
- What?
I got it, Dad.
Yes, I'm not
sleeping with anybody,
you can... you can
let mom know that.
I gotta go into this thing,
all right, I love you.
Ladies lookin' right
on Ladies Night.
- Come on, it's free cover!
- No!
It's ten bucks, bro.
It's ten bucks.
That's, okay, man.
Hey, you have a good time.
Gonna kick in my door
I'm dating defeat
I got no friends
'cause the damage is done
I am packin' my bags
What'll it be?
Oh, I'm... I'm actually
waiting for somebody, so.
So, what you're just gonna
sit at my bar and not drink?
No, I'm... I'm gonna drink,
I'm just gonna wait for her,
- and then we'll both...
- Cheap asshole.
You and I, you and I,
you and I, you and I
All we need is who we are
We can be, we can be,
we can be, we can be
Brighter than
a shooting star
Hey, you made it.
How you doin', Dad?
I'm doing good.
How about you?
Are you good?
Yeah, I'm fine.
- You sure?
- Yeah, I'm good.
Okay, I've been
bragging about you
to your Uncle Ken
and his wife Stella.
- Look how beautiful you are!
- Thank you.
So which one of these gorgeous
little kids are yours?
I'm not married.
Oh, well, I don't think
you have to be anymore.
Oh, there she is with dad,
talking to cousins
number 28 and 29.
No, that's definitely some kind
of aunt and uncle of some sort.
Oh, God, she's giving me
the "save me" eyes.
Quick, call her over.
Your face was blown up like
a big tomato, the bee sting,
do you remember that?
Oh, my God, we've had
so much fun.
Oh, sorry, so nice to meet
you Uncle Ken, Aunt Stella.
What is she doing with her hair?
Okay, stop it.
Thanks, guys.
Hey, sis, nice shoes.
Oh, thanks, you've
seen these before.
I know.
Where's, Rick?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, he's, he's good.
Um, where is he?
- Oh, no.
- What happened?
Noth... what are you
talking about?
Oh, shut up, again?
You know, it's for the best,
it wasn't right.
He wasn't ready, you know.
But why... why are
they all never ready?
I don't know, but I'm not gonna
waste my time, so.
Well, we're way past that
point by now, aren't we?
Oh yeah, I mean,
after three years,
he's still not sure at this age?
There must be
something else going on.
I mean, this is crazy,
he was a good one.
- Yeah.
- Not to mention, gorgeous!
I mean, I completely
picture you two together.
You're a cute couple!
What exactly did you do?
I didn't do anything.
Well, maybe that's the issue.
Oh, yeah, remember when
you broke up with Max,
and he said he felt like
he wasn't number one.
Wasn't it
the same with David, too?
There's something with you?
- Excuse me?
- Be nice.
I am nice.
Did you ever think
that maybe it's not me,
maybe it's them?
You're the only
common denominator
in your relationships, Holly.
Well, there still must be
some way we can fix this.
There's nothing to fix.
I just think the fixing maybe
needs to happen right here.
Still, not nice.
- Vicious.
- Well, she's drunk.
I mean, it's the truth,
she just needs to swallow it.
- Okay, I'm done.
- No, sweetie!
Just don't do anything
before you think about it.
Those shoes.
It's, this red one up here.
This is me.
- So.
- So.
I think I found a way
for you to keep your record.
- My record?
- Yeah.
Oh, of, never having done
this one-night thing before.
- Oh, my record.
- Yeah.
Well, I'm not sure that's what
this still is, technically.
Well, I think technically it is,
you know,
until we do it again.
So, that's all
we have to do, right?
You know, see each other again
is what I'm proposing,
not just like.
Oh yeah, for
the sake of my record.
Strictly for that, yes.
Yeah, okay, okay.
Nice to meet you, Guy, really.
You, too, Holly.
Um, each other.
What do a serial datist,
and a serial monogamist
have in common?
Each other.
oh, oh, oh, oh
oh, oh, oh, oh
oh, oh, oh, oh
oh, oh, oh, oh
Let's run away together
You drive until you're tired
I'll sing
till you get better
You'll see
the stars in my eyes
You'll bring
your favorite sweater
I'll bring my tambourine
Our songs can last forever
It's like a movie scene
Let's not stop
until we reach the stars
If I'm with you
then nowhere seems too far
I feel the distance
and it's calling me
Something about it
makes me believe
oh, oh, oh, oh
oh, oh, oh, oh
You make me wanna
Make me wanna rub it good
I ain't tryin'
to fall in love
I just wanna-
- I want it
- Come and get it
I want it now,
I want it right now
I want it now,
I want it right now
I want it now,
I want it right now
I want it now,
I want it right now
Give me some