Tadpole (2000) Movie Script
Snap out of it, Grubber.
Miranda Spear, one o'clock.
- Hey, Oscar.
- Hi, Miranda.
- What are you reading?
- Voltaire.
You see, Oscar and I
were just debating on...
Voltaire? Really?
That's so cool.
My friends are waiting,
so... see you after break.
Sure.
All right.
I'll see you, Miranda.
Oh, my God,
she's totally hot for you.
She's got friends.
You're hooking me up.
I'm not asking her out.
What? Why not? She's perfect.
Did you see her hands?
I... I wasn't looking
at her hands.
Experience, wit, intellect...
all revealed by the hands.
- Does she have fat hands?
- She had hands like a...
Like a steel worker?
She had hands like a...
child.
I worry about you.
Oscar I really do
Why, because I'm interested
in more than websites?
Because you're
fetishizing hands.
I wouldn't call it a fetish.
You find reasons
not to like things.
- That's not true. Like what?
- Like Miranda Spear.
Like simple explanations.
I like things
I don't understand.
You're never gonna get laid
that way.
It's not all about getting laid,
Charlie.
- Yeah, it is.
- No, it isn't.
It is so.
- What about love?
- Yeah. I've heard of it.
It's not like
you're in love with someone.
I knew something was up.
Wow. The Grubber, in love.
Who tho hell is it?
Someone I've known for a while.
Do I know her?
She doesn't even know... yet.
All right.
When do you plan on
telling her?
That's the thing.
I want to find the right time.
Definitely this weekend.
Maybe tonight.
Is she coming over
for Thanksgiving?
She'll be there Why?
I'm coming over for pie.
No, you're not.
You're not invited.
Grubbs.
- Hi, Tadpole.
- Hey, Jimmy.
- Home for Thanksgiving?
- That's right.
- What happened to your hair?
- I combed it.
Well, I don't like it.
- Hi, Oscar.
- Oh, hi, Mrs. Lodder.
Diane, please.
Diane,
have you seen Eve anywhere?
Yeah, she was just here.
Oh, she went
to go get some keys...
so she could get
in the lab tomorrow.
Ca va?
Excuse me.
So, Oscar, can we plan on
seeing you at Columbia?
Leave him alone, Dad.
He's only a sophomore.
It's never too early to think
about college, Daphne...
as it would behoove you
to realize.
Actually, Professor Tisch...
I have given some thought
to Columbia... premed.
Not history?
- Well, l...
- Excuse me!
May I have your attention,
everybody?
I'm sorry to interrupt...
but I'd like to make
a short Thanksgiving toast...
and then invite you all
to commence eating.
First of all
I'd like to apologize to
Native Americans everywhere...
for decimating
their population...
and basically stealing
this country from out...
Stick to antiquities, Stanley.
No, no, no.
I'm a traditionalist...
and far be it from me
to dispense with any excuse...
to eat turkey and pecan pie
And so, to my recently returned
prodigal son.
Hear. Hear
To my distinguished
colleagues...
at the Columbia history
department and their families.
And, uh...
am I leaving anyone out?
Eve.
Yes. Of course
Although not here. She...
Could it be? Could it be?
To my lovely wife Eve
Ohh, I'm so sorry.
She may be the face
I can't forget
A trace of pleasure
or regret
Maybe the treasure
Or the price
I have to pay
She
She
You turn the corner,
then hidden away...
in this small forgotten
backstreet...
is this old, old house...
How's your mom. Oscar?
She still in France?
Yeah.
She went back a while ago
When's the last time
you saw her?
I went back last summer.
I wish I had
an exotic French mother.
There's nothing exotic
about mothers who live
on the Upper East side
Well, they can be exotic
in their own way.
You walk in, and it's a home,
a timeless home. You feel it.
It's hard to put it
into words, but...
My mom brings me back
the stupidest things
That's not what I'm saying.
There was
this lovely fresco that...
- It's very intimate.
- Completely out of context.
Too small or whatever
There was some...
That's cool
You've got. Like
that look. That faraway look
That's cool
I've-been-studying
for-four-days thing
It sounded beautiful.
- What's that?
- The timeless home.
Ohh. Thanks. Ha ha.
I get a little caught up
in the whole... I don't know.
No, no. That's good.
It's good to get caught up...
in the feeling of something,
the aura.
I mean, if everything
could be reduced...
to verbalizable facts...
we wouldn't have any need
for music, would we?
You might have a point there.
Of course I have a point.
The timeless home,
that's like...
the title of some great
lost Puccini operetta.
You're sweet, you know that?
So, how are things
at... at Chauncey?
Not bad
Any girls there?
Sure, there are girls.
Well? Any you like?
Well,
they're mostly pretty dumb.
They can't all be dumb.
It just seems like they haven't
lived that much, you know?
Well, we're talking about
sophomores, right?
Yeah.
Maybe you should
give them a chance, Oscar.
I mean, they might've lived
more than you think.
Sure.
You have high expectations,
don't you, Oscar?
Hey.
- How are you?
- Good.
That's better.
Don't want back problems
before you're forty.
So, how's
the chiropody business?
Chiropody is feet.
Chiropractic?
It's pretty good.
I stare at backs all day.
You can tell a lot
about a person by their back.
I've always thought of my spine
as incredibly personal.
I don't think I could
show my spine to just anyone.
Maybe if you were
in enough pain, you could.
Not even then, maybe.
Throw a couple cubes in there,
would you, Diane?
Sure.
How's that endodontist
of yours?
Great.
I have a wicked crush...
on your stepmother's
best friend.
Oscar.
I know, Professor Sherman.
Isn't it obvious?
What is this?
Voltaire?
Oscar
Voltaire said...
"If God did not exist,
he would have to be invented."
He was a funny guy.
Oscar!
Excuse me.
Professor Tisch
wants to stay and gossip...
about our colleagues
a little longer.
- Will you walk Daphne home?
- Dad, no.
Daphne's been taking the subway
since she was eight.
She's a good-looking girl,
don't you think?
She's all right.
Well, it would be
a nice gesture.
An empty gesture. No, Dad.
I'm fatigued this evening.
I've been on trains, in cars.
I've had two lengthy debates
on Voltaire and Henry Miller...
both of which I won,
incidentally.
I haven't unpacked yet,
got a lot of things to do...
and I'm not gonna stand here...
and argue about it with you,
all right?
Do you wanna go with me
to the Moby concert on Sunday?
Not really.
I don't go in much
for contemporary pop music.
What do you go in for?
You know, regular stuff.
Oscar,
contemporary pop music...
is regular stuff
for a fifteen-year-old.
Voltaire or whatever
is not regular.
- Well, we differ.
- Yeah.
God, you're like
a forty-year-old...
trapped in
a fifteen-year-old's body.
- I mean, it's not a bad body...
- Taxi!
Hold on.
Come on.
I live six blocks from here.
It's cold.
78th and Lex.
I have to wake up early.
You are so weird.
OK. Safe trip.
Hey, happy Thanksgiving, pal.
Say, how old are you, anyway?
Forty.
Me, too.
Doesn't it suck?
Ah, it's not so bad.
Your wife
probably didn't leave you
I'm not married, actually.
Well, don't wait too long.
All the best ones get taken.
I hear you there.
I adore French songs
of this period.
You're not French.
- It's part of my act.
- What act?
You gonna buy me a drink?
Bob, the lady's dry.
Well, I got to go feed the cat.
Why so glum, chum?
I have high expectations.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
You have beautiful hands.
Oh, Jeez. Oscar?
Oh, hiya, Diane.
Top of the night to you.
Oscar, you don't look so hot.
Oh, don't worry about me.
Hey... oh, careful!
Careful. Come here.
Come on. Come on.
Let me get you some coffee.
No, no, no. I gotta get home.
No, no.
You don't want your father...
to see you like this. Come on.
My wallet was stolen.
- You got mugged?
- Sort of.
What do you mean, "Sort of"?
She was very pleasant about it.
- Take your coat?
- No.
Well, come in.
Make yourself comfortable.
Ohh. It got chilly in here.
Hey, that's Eve's scarf.
Yeah, I know. I like it.
I might forget to give it back.
Ohh! Oh, dear.
OK. What hurts?
Everything.
OK.
- Diane?
- Mm-hmm?
What's it like being forty?
Not as bad as people make out.
Except everyone you know
seems kind of tired.
Worn out, you mean?
Yeah, like
they've seen it all before.
Eve's not like that.
No, Eve's not like that.
And you're not like that.
It's nice.
You know what?
This is really hard to do
with your sweater on.
Eve
Ow!
Oh, Jeez.
Morning
Diane's good, isn't she?
Yes. Yes.
I'm Phil, the boyfriend.
Boyfriend. I'm Oscar Grubman.
I'm just a friend.
So, how long's
she been doing you?
This was the first time,
I swear to you...
and the only time.
You're kind of young,
aren't you?
Yes, way too young.
Young and stupid.
Pinched nerve?
Excuse me?
Did you twist your neck
or something?
Hell, I didn't see
a chiropractor...
till I turned forty.
Ohh! Yeah.
Um, very pinched nerve.
Actually, three of them. Um...
medial collateral, collateral,
and hyper collateral...
although the hyper
wasn't quite as severe.
So, the old girl
give you your money's worth?
Good morning.
Didn't hear you come in.
I just got here.
Oscar here was saying
you worked him over pretty good.
No, I didn't. I mean...
yes, you worked out
the pinched nerve in my back.
Yeah, he had quite
a knotted muscle.
My God, the pain
right here in my shoulder.
Took a lot of work.
Thank God my vocation
gives me such pleasure.
We should all be so blessed.
Well, thanks again, Mrs. Lodder.
I'll put that check
in the mail pronto.
Nice to meet you, Phil.
Hey, you take care, buddy.
- I'll walk you out.
- Uh, please don't bother.
No. It's no bother.
Diane, no one can ever
find out about last night, OK?
- OK.
- I mean it. I'm serious.
It's very important to me...
that Eve and my dad
never find out about this.
OK. All right. I won't tell.
Good. Phil, either.
He's a lot bigger than me.
- Actually, he's not.
- Diane, please.
OK. All right. Mum's the word.
Thank you.
Give that to Eve for me
Hey, Oscar.
That girl sure was pretty.
Who?
Professor Tisch's girl.
Oh, Daphne.
Yeah, I guess she's pretty.
Is she new to the pond,
Tadpole?
Don't you sleep?
So
Hi, dad.
I didn't hear you come in.
Daphne and I
got to talking last night.
Is that right?
Is Eve around?
No
She left for work at dawn
Why is she working today?
She likes to go in when there's
no one around to bug her.
- So she's by herself.
- What's that?
Nothing. Nothing.
Picnic?
Sort of.
But you have time
to help old dad...
do some grocery shopping,
don't you?
- Now?
- Yeah. Come on.
Dad,
I thought you were gonna...
take some time
to work on your book today.
Well, come on.
I mean, that can wait.
How many people
really are dying to read...
The Life and Times
of Arnobias of Sicca?
Well, I think you really
underestimate your audience.
There are a lot of
Arnobias of Sicca fans...
out there that
you're completely unaware of.
- Really? You think so?
- Yeah.
I mean, the kids at school...
the ones in the know, anyway...
talk about Arnobias of Sicca...
like he was
the hip ancient scholar.
- Arnobias. Really?
- You picked a winner.
You should feel really good
about it and really motivated.
You put it that way. I do
feel pretty damn motivated
Either way,
we need paper towels, cereal...
and we're completely out
of cheesecake.
Dad, I'm not really
into cheesecake anymore.
Grab your coat
Taxi!
- Who is she, Oscar?
- Who, dad?
Where did you sleep last night?
I know it wasn't at Charlie's.
Come clean.
This is your old man here.
What happened?
Did you, uh...
run into some buddies
from Chauncey...
go downtown,
get a couple of beers...
and stare at the hippies
in Greenwich Village?
There are no hippies in
Greenwich Village anymore, dad.
What is it now?
Punks, druggies...
folk-mopers, cross dressers,
bikers?
- Bankers.
- Bankers?
- Oh, God, has it come to that?
- I'm afraid so.
What a state of affairs.
Bankers?
So, where did you
spend the night?
I ran into a...
- A girl?
- Yes, a girl.
- A pretty girl?
- Yes, a pretty girl.
Oh, Oscar.
It wasn't a... you know...
It wasn't a call girl?
Dad! Of course it wasn't
a call girl.
What's wrong with you?
Kids are crazy these days.
- I bumped into a girl.
- From Chauncey?
Yes, a girl from Chauncey.
Well, what was her name, Oscar?
Her name?
Is it someone
Eve and I should meet?
No! I mean,
there just isn't any point.
Her name's, uh, Miranda Spear,
and she's just some dumb girl...
Hey, have some respect, Oscar.
Maybe this girl's
only fifteen, sixteen.
And maybe right now
her interests...
are different from yours,
but girls have things to say.
They can be funny.
Consider them, Oscar.
Listen to them.
So, I should listen to girls...
like you listen to Eve,
you mean?
Exactly.
Oscar.
What a nice surprise.
I brought you lunch.
You're kidding
Ha ha!
Wait. Wait one second.
Wow. Cookies, too.
Yeah. I know you like 'em.
Thank you.
So, what are you working on?
I'm monitoring
the depolarization...
of cardiac myocytes.
Oh. Hmm.
Pericardium...
mitral, aorta...
such beautiful words.
Poetry.
Never thought of it that way.
It's, uh, pretty
complicated business.
No. The heart is simple.
Fixing it is complicated.
So, when you're working on...
whatever it is
you're working on...
I mean...
how do you see the heart
as anything more than a...
- Than a pump?
- Yeah.
I mean, in the end,
it's just an organ, right?
But, symbolically...
Your heart
can fit right in my hand.
The heart is this
incredibly smart machine.
It beats seventy to eighty
times a minute...
and in the space
of each beat...
sends deoxygenated blood
to your lungs...
and oxygenated blood
to all your organs.
Cut the aorta,
and you'll release...
a jet of blood
that hits the ceiling.
Now, who needs
to use it as a symbol...
when the thing itself
is so magnificent?
- The thing itself.
- Hmm.
Well, as a symbol,
it should be replaced.
The heart's had its day.
Why not the kidney as a symbol
of love, or the liver?
Hmm.
"You broke my liver."
"My liver aches for you"?
Doesn't rhyme as well...
you know, for country songs
and Shakespeare.
Sure it does.
I'm aquiver.
Please deliver.
Deep as a river,
my love, my liver.
I just can't...
Hello?
Hi.
Oscar's here, visiting.
Yeah.
I know. OK.
Your father says,
"Don't forget...
"we're having dinner tonight."
I haven't forgotten!
He says, "Did you ask
Miranda Spear to join us?"
- Who?
- Miranda...
No. No.
Tonight's family night.
Don't worry about that, Oscar.
I mean, Diane is coming.
Diane?
And Phil.
It sure would be nice
to see Diane and Phil.
Have you met Phil?
I think so.
Well, Phil isn't coming, OK?
Diane likes
to keep her options open.
It's just Diane. Right?
Yeah. I thought so
Hey, buddy. Come on in.
- Is Diane around?
- She isn't.
Is your back
still bothering you?
Well, come on in.
I'll give you a rub-a-dub.
Thanks. Anyway
I'd rather not trust my back
to a dentist.
The old gal
taught me a few tricks.
Why do you call her "old gal"?
You make her sound
like she's a horse.
Actually,
she's more of a wildcat.
Diane's with the girls
down at Payard
if your back's really that bad.
Hey, you know, buddy, you're
gonna have to learn to relax.
You're gonna be dead
before you reach twenty.
Thank you very much
Here you go
No, you didn't.
Is that right?
Diane.
Can I talk to you
for a minute, please?
You must be Oscar.
I'm Samantha.
So, it sounds like you have...
some interesting ideas
about French philosophy.
Yes. Diane was telling us...
that you regard Voltaire
as a comedian.
Well, I think that
when you look at his body...
Excuse me. Diane, can I talk
to you for a minute, please?
In a minute, Oscar.
Oscar, have some tea.
The assertion
that all man's actions
are essentially self-serving
has never been taken
in the spirit it was intended...
which was a quote, a quote.
And that's what Adam Smith
was really saying...
in The Wealth of Nations.
At least,
that's what I've always thought.
- More tea, Oscar?
- Thank you, Abigail.
Now, most people
are going to tell you...
that Quine's belief
in the inherent goodness...
But, Oscar, I don't see how you
can dismiss Mirabeau so easily.
Mirabeau never even
got out of the gate.
Oh, you naughty girl.
- Where did you find him?
- Isn't he lovely?
He's so passionate,
and he really listens.
Do you mind
if I give him my number?
No. Go ahead.
Oscar, I'd love to chat
more with you...
about this sometime
or, um, about anything.
I'm pretty busy
with midterms and all.
Anything, anytime.
- Bye, Oscar.
- Bye, Samantha.
- Bye, Oscar.
- Abigail.
- Bye, Diane.
- Bye, girls.
Well, Oscar,
it was a pleasure to meet you.
Pleasure.
You two be good Heh heh
I'll call you tomorrow.
- Diane.
- Mm-hmm.
You didn't, uh, tell anybody...
about what happened last night,
did you?
Does it matter if I had?
You're a grown-up...
or close enough.
Did you?
I didn't say anything definite.
I may have hinted a little.
Hinted? Why do they need hints?
This isn't charades.
What if one of them tells Phil?
- Phil, schmil.
- "Phil, schmil?"
That isn't very nice. That
isn't very sensitive at all.
Oscar, please.
Phil and I are not an item.
Ahem. Excuse me.
There's no smoking.
OK.
Forget about Phil.
Diane, I'd like to ask you...
not to come to dinner tonight.
Not go to Cafe Balou?
Are you kidding?
Your father's paying.
I want to minimize
the likelihood...
of your blabbing to Eve.
Maybe you've already told Eve.
I haven't even seen Eve yet.
Yet?
Do you plan to tell her?
Oscar,
Eve and I grew up together.
Jeez, the stories I could tell
you about Eve when we were 15.
You wouldn't have
recognized her.
I don't want to hear it.
When we were fifteen,
Eve had this thing for Elvis.
- Elvis Presley?
- Hmm.
Flipped for any guy
in sideburns.
Sideburns? What's so great
about sideburns?
I don't know.
The strangest things
made her happy.
She was always happy back then.
Back then?
Are you saying now she isn't?
No.
That wasn't my intention.
Look. You know what?
Let's just forget it.
I shouldn't have said anything.
No. We can't just forget it.
We're talking about
Eve's happiness here.
I guess I can confide in you.
We're close now, right?
In a manner of speaking.
OK. Ahem.
I don't think Eve is happy.
There's a void.
Something's missing.
What makes you say that?
It's a woman thing.
I sense it. I feel it.
Plus, last week,
she said there was a void...
and something was missing.
Did she say what?
Couldn't put her finger on it.
I wouldn't worry about it.
She'll get over it.
So. Who is this girl?
A friend of the family's.
You gonna see each other again?
Tonight. But her best friend's
gonna be there.
Well, is the friend cute?
I wouldn't call her cute,
exactly.
I mean, would I like her?
Well, you know,
I slept with her last night.
With the friend?
Damn!
Yeah. With the friend
But you don't like the friend.
Not really. Not like that.
But you're going to dinner
with both of them...
the woman you like
and the woman you slept with?
Yeah.
My dad's coming, too.
Nothing's simple
for the Grubber.
Talk to me, Oscar.
What's going on here?
I don't know, Charlie.
I found her.
The girl with the great hands.
Terrific hands.
Are you gonna tell me her name?
Eve.
Eve... like your mother.
Eve's not my mother.
She's my stepmother.
We're not blood relatives
at all.
Wait. So, your Eve is that Eve?
Your mother?
She's very wise...
and soft.
Are you out of your mind?
Do you want to end up in hell
or something?
Charlie, I love her.
Oscar,
Eve is married to your father.
I know, but I sense there's
a void there... something missing.
She needs something more
in her life.
Oh, and that would be you...
her stepson.
I mean, hey, I know you're
French, and you have, like...
a different idea
of family relations, but...
Wait.
This means you slept with Diane.
I realize that was a mistake.
She was wearing Eve's scarf.
It smelled of her perfume.
I got confused.
Uh... I mean...
Diane's pretty hot...
for that age group.
These look fake.
You really fucked up.
Charlie, help me.
I need sideburns.
Well... all right.
Let me think.
I know
we've talked about it
just being the two of us
but the Shermans love
Beethoven. As it turns out
Is it all right with you
if they come with us?
Honey? Did you hear me?
Sure Fine
Norm knows the Galea
like the back of his hand
He'll be humming along.
Like he did with Carmen
Remember that?
Eve. have you seen my tie?
Honey?
Honey. I want the tie
the Shermans
gave me for Christmas
- Hi.
- Hi.
You look nice.
You look, uh, different.
Worse or better?
Very handsome.
You're making me nervous.
Relax.
I'll be very good tonight.
Just don't let me drink.
He looks over at me,
and he goes...
"You know,
you have really beautiful eyes."
I go, "Yeah, I know that."
But, you know,
we're in a movie theater.
There's no way he could see
my eyes. It's dark.
So, he goes, "You know what's
wrong with the modern woman?
"They're acutely sensitive."
So, Oscar,
are you happy at Chauncey?
You already asked me that, dad.
I did?
And what did you say?
I said it was OK.
Sometimes
you don't listen so good.
So well. Listen so well.
See, you correct,
or you add facts...
or you give
your own little anecdotes...
but you don't really
absorb the reason...
the person is saying
the thing that she is.
- She?
- Me, I mean.
The reason
I'm telling you something.
Hmm, that's interesting.
- And silence, dad.
- Silence?
Listen to what it tells you.
Sometimes it's peaceful,
sometimes it's a shrill scream.
Honey, this is Bob Spear.
Oh, pleased to meet you.
This is my daughter Miranda.
Oh, how's Chauncey
treating you, Miranda?
Good
- Have a nice holiday.
- You, too.
Nice to meet you
Hello
I'm Stanley Grubman
Oscar's father.
- Oscar Grubman?
- He's here.
This is such a coincidence
We were just talking about you
today... about. Uh...
Dad! Dad!
I was just
meeting your friend here.
And if you don't mind
my saying so...
she is a little firecracker.
I think Eve wants to see you
She has to give you a pill
or something.
What pill?
For your condition.
For my cholesterol?
Yes. Yes. Your cholesterol.
I'm sorry.
He gets a little confused.
- How are you, Oscar?
- Uh, fine.
Happy Thanksgiving.
What are you two talking about?
Colorado.
- What's this about pills?
- He's never been to Colorado.
Oscar,
you're acting very strangely.
What pills?
Bon soir. Would you like
to take something to drink?
May we see a wine list, please?
In fact, forget the wine.
Nobody wants it.
What's this? No wine?
Pardon?
The boy, he says you are
not in the mood for wine.
Oscar...
Oscar
I'm in the mood.
Me too.
Shouldn't we take a break
once in a while?
I mean, what are we, dependant?
We can't have a good time
without alcohol?
Oscar, you're making it sound
as if we have a problem.
Fine.
Wine list, please.
But why Portugal?
When people go to Portugal
I always think
all the hotel rooms in Spain
must have been booked
See. To me.
Portugal is the one
that's always held
the eternal mystery
Oh...
none for me, thanks.
And what do you want, Diane?
Peter says I may have
a shot at the English prize...
if I read Beowulf properly.
That is, taking into account
the times...
instead of reading it
with a contemporary slant.
You can't discount history,
Oscar.
No, you can't.
You can't discount it at all.
The sales representative...
this twenty-five-year-old kid
who's talking to me
about book jackets
for four hours
I went cross-eyed
Diane: How many pages
you got there. Stanley?
Stanley:
Well. I have about 715
How are you?
I'm good.
No. How are you?
I'm good, Oscar.
It's good to see you.
You, too.
Are you sure you don't have
a girlfriend at Chauncey?
I would think
they'd be lining up.
Eve... l've been thinking
about maybe going premed.
Maybe Columbia.
I'd be in the city,
we could meet...
to go over my homework...
I mean, if you'd be willing.
Well, I'd love to, Oscar,
but you love literature.
You're fluent in French.
You should be a scholar.
A lot of medicine's
in Latin, right?
So, I figure, French, Latin...
I'm not doing so badly
in biology.
I mean,
I know what an isotope is.
But if you went premed...
you couldn't get caught up in
the poetry of the pericardium.
I would get caught up
in the poetry...
of the thing itself,
like you do.
Don't quote me back to myself
Is the world really waiting
for another academic?
A new subject
Something I am passionate
Diane?
Diane. Would you
pass the bread. Please?
Ahem
Thank you.
Are you coming down
with something?
I'm fine.
Are we still playing tennis
tomorrow?
Oh, is that tomorrow, tennis?
Don't you think
you've had enough?
Look at some
first editions he just bought
He suspects he's been swindled.
Must you be so uptight...
I'm not saying anything.
You're making me nervous.
OK. Maybe you could go
to Norm's in the afternoon.
I could
I could go in the afternoon
Get your foot
out of my crotch, please.
Get your foot
out of my crotch, please.
The thing is, I hate tennis.
I have the court booked.
I'll play tennis with you, Eve.
I love tennis.
Yes, Oscar's a wonderful sport.
There you go.
Oscar'll play with you.
- You will? You don't mind?
- Not at all.
Oscar is very gallant.
Oscar has a new girlfriend.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
It seems last evening...
he had quite
the late night conversation.
Oh, tell us about it.
Diane,
wine is bad for your heart.
I thought wine
was good for your heart.
It is, in moderation.
So, who is this girl, Oscar?
She's quite a little number,
by the looks of her.
I thought the girls at Chauncey
hadn't lived enough.
Can we change the subject,
please?
Well. If we're going
to change the subject
I'm going to excuse myself
for the ladies room.
Excuse me.
I think that's why
he's acting so strangely.
What the hell are you doing?
- What do you mean?
- What do I mean?
You're drinking.
You're making these jokes.
You have your foot
in my crotch...
- Loosen up.
- Loosen up?
I asked you
not to let them know.
Oh, my!
What is it?
Something very unusual.
No one knows anything.
What is that on your face?
What?
Oh! Aah! Ow!
Do you two have something
you'd like to share with us?
What?
Oh, God.
What's going on?
Well?
OK, I think what
we're talking about here...
is Prufigger's
theory of distortion...
which states that
prismatic effect of a body...
reflected on a plane
at a certain angle...
Stanley, what is it?
An illusion...
Oh. What the hell
We're all adults here
No, actually, we're not.
Eve...
- Oscar and l...
- Both speak French.
Oscar and I are lovers
What?
What? Are you drunk?
Oscar, just relax.
I saw them in the mirror.
I just hope Miranda Spear
didn't see it, too.
Dad, there is no Miranda Spear.
There is no Mir...
What are you talking about?
I just shook hands
with her father.
When did this happen?
Last night?
Mm-hmm.
Stanley...
Of course, you know,
it's not that uncommon.
In ancient Rome,
fifty-year-old men...
would marry
fourteen-year-old girls.
This is not ancient Rome.
I am nowhere near fifty!
Well, it is all very
The Graduate.
Except that Oscar
hasn't graduated.
There.
Thanks.
So, you coming to bed soon?
Uh, in a while. I just have
to finish these chapter notes.
Good night, sweetheart.
I just don't see
why you're so upset
I'm entrusted with his welfare,
Diane.
I mean, can you imagine
if Oscar's mother found out?
She's French, isn't she?
They're not all like that, OK?
You're taking advantage of him.
Oh, bullshit, Eve.
Oscar's a smart kid.
Now, there are
some forty-year-old men...
of whom I am taking advantage.
Am I overreacting?
He's fifteen!
Well, you and I were hardly
innocent when we were fifteen.
Who went to the Jefferson
Airplane concert...
and pulled down
their tube top and...
That's different, OK?
All right, that's different.
I know why you're upset.
You're upset because you know
that deep down inside...
if our situations
were reversed...
you would have done
the exact same thing.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- You would have.
With a fifteen-year-old?
Not on your life.
Not just a fifteen-year-old.
A smart, sweet,
passionate person.
You're not the only one
with something missing.
Samantha Steadman
gave Oscar her phone number.
And you let her?
He can take care of himself.
I'm not his mother.
Neither are you.
What is wrong
with your friends?
- Nothing.
- Jesus.
And if you hadn't met somebody
in a really long time...
who was very excited
about life...
you would consider
a fifteen-year-old.
Love-thirty
Or, zero-thirty.
As if you know what love means
Comes from
the French word for egg.
L'oeuf
Eve...
I know how it must look.
I understand how misled
you must feel.
I spoke of poetic thoughts
of love and livers
merely hours after having
cheap, meaningless...
sexual intercourse
with your best friend.
No.
That's fifteen-thirty, right?
Serve!
Eve...
sometimes
the natural call of man...
is just too strong to...
No. Ugh.
So that's fifteen-forty, right?
A ratio
you seem particularly fond of.
And, yes, Eve,
true passion does still exist...
and I know this...
because I'm a man
who feels true passion.
I think you'll be fine.
If you're gonna mess with
the stuff of
Greek tragedies. Oscar
you're gonna have to be
prepared for the fallout.
Charlie, help me.
OK, let's look
at this rationally.
If you had met Eve
in, say, a coffee shop...
would you still be
attracted to her?
I mean, it's not just 'cause
she's your mother, is it?
She's not my mother.
Stop saying that.
OK, look,
maybe it's not your fault.
Since your father's been
married to another woman
in the eyes of the church,
he's a polygamist.
So maybe you're just
genetically predisposed...
that is, programmed
to repeat the mistakes...
or sins of your biological...
Shut up, Charlie.
You kids having fun?
Do you want some cookies
or anything?
No, ma, we're fine.
My, Oscar, I can't believe
how big you've gotten.
Yeah, I guess
I hit quite a spurt there.
All right, yeah, uh...
All right, ma, thanks.
And I'll, uh, see you later.
Stick to your own mom,
will you?
Hey, Jimmy.
What's on your mind, Tadpole?
Nobody calls me that anymore,
Jimmy.
What do they call you now?
Stupid.
Everything's messed up.
Well, what's the trouble,
Tadp... uh, Stupid?
Women, I guess.
Not girls?
No, they're definitely women.
No women...
no cry.
Thanks for that, Jimmy.
I made you a sandwich.
Thanks.
Grilled cheese... my favorite
I know
Good thing it's something
I can actually cook.
Dad always burns them.
He won't use teflon.
Well, he's a traditionalist.
These, uh, teflon make
replacement heart valves, right?
You know way too much
for a fifteen-year-old.
Nothing worth knowing.
That's not true, Oscar...
plenty worth knowing.
You know...
with Diane...
Oscar, I've already decided
it's really none of my business.
You are old enough
to make your own decisions.
I want to explain.
With Diane, well...
it was teflon sex.
Pardon me?
She was doing this thing
to my back... pressing.
And I was drunk,
she's a chiropractor...
- that kind of thing.
- That kind of thing.
Hormones racing out of control
or pheromones.
I'm not that kind of a person.
You told me once
that it could be years...
before anyone
really understood...
what the hell
I was talking about...
but that the day would come...
when everyone caught up to me.
And while I knew that maybe
you were just being kind...
I knew one thing.
That I love...
things.
- And, and, uh...
- It's OK.
And there was Diane...
and she was...
wearing your scarf.
I better do the dishes.
Well, I lost big-time.
Look at you.
You're a good boy, Oscar.
Where's Eve?
How should I know?
In bed. Probably
Probably.
That Professor Tisch,
I think he's a cheat.
I bet he palms
off the bottom of the deck.
Oscar. have you noticed
anything different about Eve
this weekend?
Different? Like what?
I don't know,
for the last few months...
she's been going to bed
earlier.
Maybe she's just tired, or...
Or what?
I don't know what.
Maybe I'm missing something.
I thought about
what you said last night.
Maybe I haven't been
listening too well.
Then again, maybe
I'm just imagining things.
Tom. Get your plane
right on time
I know
your part'll go fine
Fly down to Mexico
Do-n-do-n-do-n-do
and here I am
The only living boy
in New York
I get the news I need
on the weather report
I can gather all the news
I need on the weather report
Hey. I got nothing to do
today but smile
Do-n-do-n-do-n-do
and here I am
The only living boy
in New York
Half of the time we're gone.
But we don't know where
And we don't know when
Ahh
I'll get your ticket.
I'll be right back.
You have a loose button.
I'd sew it for you,
but I don't sew.
I know.
I'm not a very good mother...
step-mother.
Who says they have
to cook and sew?
Anyway,
you know how to monitor...
cardiac myocytes...
that's enough.
How's your liver?
Hurts.
Broken?
No.
I love your father very much.
Me, too.
So, see you back here
in about three weeks?
You two look very serious
We're talking about Christmas.
Oscar's going to his mother's
in France.
He is?
We're going to Portugal,
just the two of us.
- We are?
- Lf you want.
Hey.
Bye, sweetie.
Here.
Thanks, Oscar.
You're welcome.
See you at school.
OK.
"If we don't find
anything pleasant...
"at least we shall find
something new."
What's that?
Voltaire.
Oh, right.
See you at school.
She is so hot for you.
She smells nice.
She what?
Still don't know
what I was waiting for
And my time
was running wild
So, what happened with Eve?
Every time
I thought I'd got it made
Come on, talk to me, Grubber.
So I turned myself
to face me
Well, it wasn't as important
as I thought it was.
Of how the others
must see the faker
I'm much too fast
to take that test
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strain
Ch-ch-ch-changes
Don't want to be
a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strain
Ch-ch-ch-changes
Just gonna have to be
a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
Ooh. Yeah
I watch the ripples
change their size
But never leave the stream
of warm impermanence
And so the days
float through my eyes
But still the days
seem the same
And these children
that you spit on
As they try
to change their worlds
Are immune
to your consultations
They're quite aware
of what they're going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strain
Ch-ch-changes
Don't tell them
to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strain
Ch-ch-changes
Where's your shame?
You've left us
up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time
Strange fascination.
Fascinating me
Aw. Changes are taking
the pace I'm going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strain
Ch-ch-changes
Ooh. Iook out
you rock 'n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strain
Ch-ch-changes
Pretty soon now you're
gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that
time may change me
But I can't trace time
Miranda Spear, one o'clock.
- Hey, Oscar.
- Hi, Miranda.
- What are you reading?
- Voltaire.
You see, Oscar and I
were just debating on...
Voltaire? Really?
That's so cool.
My friends are waiting,
so... see you after break.
Sure.
All right.
I'll see you, Miranda.
Oh, my God,
she's totally hot for you.
She's got friends.
You're hooking me up.
I'm not asking her out.
What? Why not? She's perfect.
Did you see her hands?
I... I wasn't looking
at her hands.
Experience, wit, intellect...
all revealed by the hands.
- Does she have fat hands?
- She had hands like a...
Like a steel worker?
She had hands like a...
child.
I worry about you.
Oscar I really do
Why, because I'm interested
in more than websites?
Because you're
fetishizing hands.
I wouldn't call it a fetish.
You find reasons
not to like things.
- That's not true. Like what?
- Like Miranda Spear.
Like simple explanations.
I like things
I don't understand.
You're never gonna get laid
that way.
It's not all about getting laid,
Charlie.
- Yeah, it is.
- No, it isn't.
It is so.
- What about love?
- Yeah. I've heard of it.
It's not like
you're in love with someone.
I knew something was up.
Wow. The Grubber, in love.
Who tho hell is it?
Someone I've known for a while.
Do I know her?
She doesn't even know... yet.
All right.
When do you plan on
telling her?
That's the thing.
I want to find the right time.
Definitely this weekend.
Maybe tonight.
Is she coming over
for Thanksgiving?
She'll be there Why?
I'm coming over for pie.
No, you're not.
You're not invited.
Grubbs.
- Hi, Tadpole.
- Hey, Jimmy.
- Home for Thanksgiving?
- That's right.
- What happened to your hair?
- I combed it.
Well, I don't like it.
- Hi, Oscar.
- Oh, hi, Mrs. Lodder.
Diane, please.
Diane,
have you seen Eve anywhere?
Yeah, she was just here.
Oh, she went
to go get some keys...
so she could get
in the lab tomorrow.
Ca va?
Excuse me.
So, Oscar, can we plan on
seeing you at Columbia?
Leave him alone, Dad.
He's only a sophomore.
It's never too early to think
about college, Daphne...
as it would behoove you
to realize.
Actually, Professor Tisch...
I have given some thought
to Columbia... premed.
Not history?
- Well, l...
- Excuse me!
May I have your attention,
everybody?
I'm sorry to interrupt...
but I'd like to make
a short Thanksgiving toast...
and then invite you all
to commence eating.
First of all
I'd like to apologize to
Native Americans everywhere...
for decimating
their population...
and basically stealing
this country from out...
Stick to antiquities, Stanley.
No, no, no.
I'm a traditionalist...
and far be it from me
to dispense with any excuse...
to eat turkey and pecan pie
And so, to my recently returned
prodigal son.
Hear. Hear
To my distinguished
colleagues...
at the Columbia history
department and their families.
And, uh...
am I leaving anyone out?
Eve.
Yes. Of course
Although not here. She...
Could it be? Could it be?
To my lovely wife Eve
Ohh, I'm so sorry.
She may be the face
I can't forget
A trace of pleasure
or regret
Maybe the treasure
Or the price
I have to pay
She
She
You turn the corner,
then hidden away...
in this small forgotten
backstreet...
is this old, old house...
How's your mom. Oscar?
She still in France?
Yeah.
She went back a while ago
When's the last time
you saw her?
I went back last summer.
I wish I had
an exotic French mother.
There's nothing exotic
about mothers who live
on the Upper East side
Well, they can be exotic
in their own way.
You walk in, and it's a home,
a timeless home. You feel it.
It's hard to put it
into words, but...
My mom brings me back
the stupidest things
That's not what I'm saying.
There was
this lovely fresco that...
- It's very intimate.
- Completely out of context.
Too small or whatever
There was some...
That's cool
You've got. Like
that look. That faraway look
That's cool
I've-been-studying
for-four-days thing
It sounded beautiful.
- What's that?
- The timeless home.
Ohh. Thanks. Ha ha.
I get a little caught up
in the whole... I don't know.
No, no. That's good.
It's good to get caught up...
in the feeling of something,
the aura.
I mean, if everything
could be reduced...
to verbalizable facts...
we wouldn't have any need
for music, would we?
You might have a point there.
Of course I have a point.
The timeless home,
that's like...
the title of some great
lost Puccini operetta.
You're sweet, you know that?
So, how are things
at... at Chauncey?
Not bad
Any girls there?
Sure, there are girls.
Well? Any you like?
Well,
they're mostly pretty dumb.
They can't all be dumb.
It just seems like they haven't
lived that much, you know?
Well, we're talking about
sophomores, right?
Yeah.
Maybe you should
give them a chance, Oscar.
I mean, they might've lived
more than you think.
Sure.
You have high expectations,
don't you, Oscar?
Hey.
- How are you?
- Good.
That's better.
Don't want back problems
before you're forty.
So, how's
the chiropody business?
Chiropody is feet.
Chiropractic?
It's pretty good.
I stare at backs all day.
You can tell a lot
about a person by their back.
I've always thought of my spine
as incredibly personal.
I don't think I could
show my spine to just anyone.
Maybe if you were
in enough pain, you could.
Not even then, maybe.
Throw a couple cubes in there,
would you, Diane?
Sure.
How's that endodontist
of yours?
Great.
I have a wicked crush...
on your stepmother's
best friend.
Oscar.
I know, Professor Sherman.
Isn't it obvious?
What is this?
Voltaire?
Oscar
Voltaire said...
"If God did not exist,
he would have to be invented."
He was a funny guy.
Oscar!
Excuse me.
Professor Tisch
wants to stay and gossip...
about our colleagues
a little longer.
- Will you walk Daphne home?
- Dad, no.
Daphne's been taking the subway
since she was eight.
She's a good-looking girl,
don't you think?
She's all right.
Well, it would be
a nice gesture.
An empty gesture. No, Dad.
I'm fatigued this evening.
I've been on trains, in cars.
I've had two lengthy debates
on Voltaire and Henry Miller...
both of which I won,
incidentally.
I haven't unpacked yet,
got a lot of things to do...
and I'm not gonna stand here...
and argue about it with you,
all right?
Do you wanna go with me
to the Moby concert on Sunday?
Not really.
I don't go in much
for contemporary pop music.
What do you go in for?
You know, regular stuff.
Oscar,
contemporary pop music...
is regular stuff
for a fifteen-year-old.
Voltaire or whatever
is not regular.
- Well, we differ.
- Yeah.
God, you're like
a forty-year-old...
trapped in
a fifteen-year-old's body.
- I mean, it's not a bad body...
- Taxi!
Hold on.
Come on.
I live six blocks from here.
It's cold.
78th and Lex.
I have to wake up early.
You are so weird.
OK. Safe trip.
Hey, happy Thanksgiving, pal.
Say, how old are you, anyway?
Forty.
Me, too.
Doesn't it suck?
Ah, it's not so bad.
Your wife
probably didn't leave you
I'm not married, actually.
Well, don't wait too long.
All the best ones get taken.
I hear you there.
I adore French songs
of this period.
You're not French.
- It's part of my act.
- What act?
You gonna buy me a drink?
Bob, the lady's dry.
Well, I got to go feed the cat.
Why so glum, chum?
I have high expectations.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
You have beautiful hands.
Oh, Jeez. Oscar?
Oh, hiya, Diane.
Top of the night to you.
Oscar, you don't look so hot.
Oh, don't worry about me.
Hey... oh, careful!
Careful. Come here.
Come on. Come on.
Let me get you some coffee.
No, no, no. I gotta get home.
No, no.
You don't want your father...
to see you like this. Come on.
My wallet was stolen.
- You got mugged?
- Sort of.
What do you mean, "Sort of"?
She was very pleasant about it.
- Take your coat?
- No.
Well, come in.
Make yourself comfortable.
Ohh. It got chilly in here.
Hey, that's Eve's scarf.
Yeah, I know. I like it.
I might forget to give it back.
Ohh! Oh, dear.
OK. What hurts?
Everything.
OK.
- Diane?
- Mm-hmm?
What's it like being forty?
Not as bad as people make out.
Except everyone you know
seems kind of tired.
Worn out, you mean?
Yeah, like
they've seen it all before.
Eve's not like that.
No, Eve's not like that.
And you're not like that.
It's nice.
You know what?
This is really hard to do
with your sweater on.
Eve
Ow!
Oh, Jeez.
Morning
Diane's good, isn't she?
Yes. Yes.
I'm Phil, the boyfriend.
Boyfriend. I'm Oscar Grubman.
I'm just a friend.
So, how long's
she been doing you?
This was the first time,
I swear to you...
and the only time.
You're kind of young,
aren't you?
Yes, way too young.
Young and stupid.
Pinched nerve?
Excuse me?
Did you twist your neck
or something?
Hell, I didn't see
a chiropractor...
till I turned forty.
Ohh! Yeah.
Um, very pinched nerve.
Actually, three of them. Um...
medial collateral, collateral,
and hyper collateral...
although the hyper
wasn't quite as severe.
So, the old girl
give you your money's worth?
Good morning.
Didn't hear you come in.
I just got here.
Oscar here was saying
you worked him over pretty good.
No, I didn't. I mean...
yes, you worked out
the pinched nerve in my back.
Yeah, he had quite
a knotted muscle.
My God, the pain
right here in my shoulder.
Took a lot of work.
Thank God my vocation
gives me such pleasure.
We should all be so blessed.
Well, thanks again, Mrs. Lodder.
I'll put that check
in the mail pronto.
Nice to meet you, Phil.
Hey, you take care, buddy.
- I'll walk you out.
- Uh, please don't bother.
No. It's no bother.
Diane, no one can ever
find out about last night, OK?
- OK.
- I mean it. I'm serious.
It's very important to me...
that Eve and my dad
never find out about this.
OK. All right. I won't tell.
Good. Phil, either.
He's a lot bigger than me.
- Actually, he's not.
- Diane, please.
OK. All right. Mum's the word.
Thank you.
Give that to Eve for me
Hey, Oscar.
That girl sure was pretty.
Who?
Professor Tisch's girl.
Oh, Daphne.
Yeah, I guess she's pretty.
Is she new to the pond,
Tadpole?
Don't you sleep?
So
Hi, dad.
I didn't hear you come in.
Daphne and I
got to talking last night.
Is that right?
Is Eve around?
No
She left for work at dawn
Why is she working today?
She likes to go in when there's
no one around to bug her.
- So she's by herself.
- What's that?
Nothing. Nothing.
Picnic?
Sort of.
But you have time
to help old dad...
do some grocery shopping,
don't you?
- Now?
- Yeah. Come on.
Dad,
I thought you were gonna...
take some time
to work on your book today.
Well, come on.
I mean, that can wait.
How many people
really are dying to read...
The Life and Times
of Arnobias of Sicca?
Well, I think you really
underestimate your audience.
There are a lot of
Arnobias of Sicca fans...
out there that
you're completely unaware of.
- Really? You think so?
- Yeah.
I mean, the kids at school...
the ones in the know, anyway...
talk about Arnobias of Sicca...
like he was
the hip ancient scholar.
- Arnobias. Really?
- You picked a winner.
You should feel really good
about it and really motivated.
You put it that way. I do
feel pretty damn motivated
Either way,
we need paper towels, cereal...
and we're completely out
of cheesecake.
Dad, I'm not really
into cheesecake anymore.
Grab your coat
Taxi!
- Who is she, Oscar?
- Who, dad?
Where did you sleep last night?
I know it wasn't at Charlie's.
Come clean.
This is your old man here.
What happened?
Did you, uh...
run into some buddies
from Chauncey...
go downtown,
get a couple of beers...
and stare at the hippies
in Greenwich Village?
There are no hippies in
Greenwich Village anymore, dad.
What is it now?
Punks, druggies...
folk-mopers, cross dressers,
bikers?
- Bankers.
- Bankers?
- Oh, God, has it come to that?
- I'm afraid so.
What a state of affairs.
Bankers?
So, where did you
spend the night?
I ran into a...
- A girl?
- Yes, a girl.
- A pretty girl?
- Yes, a pretty girl.
Oh, Oscar.
It wasn't a... you know...
It wasn't a call girl?
Dad! Of course it wasn't
a call girl.
What's wrong with you?
Kids are crazy these days.
- I bumped into a girl.
- From Chauncey?
Yes, a girl from Chauncey.
Well, what was her name, Oscar?
Her name?
Is it someone
Eve and I should meet?
No! I mean,
there just isn't any point.
Her name's, uh, Miranda Spear,
and she's just some dumb girl...
Hey, have some respect, Oscar.
Maybe this girl's
only fifteen, sixteen.
And maybe right now
her interests...
are different from yours,
but girls have things to say.
They can be funny.
Consider them, Oscar.
Listen to them.
So, I should listen to girls...
like you listen to Eve,
you mean?
Exactly.
Oscar.
What a nice surprise.
I brought you lunch.
You're kidding
Ha ha!
Wait. Wait one second.
Wow. Cookies, too.
Yeah. I know you like 'em.
Thank you.
So, what are you working on?
I'm monitoring
the depolarization...
of cardiac myocytes.
Oh. Hmm.
Pericardium...
mitral, aorta...
such beautiful words.
Poetry.
Never thought of it that way.
It's, uh, pretty
complicated business.
No. The heart is simple.
Fixing it is complicated.
So, when you're working on...
whatever it is
you're working on...
I mean...
how do you see the heart
as anything more than a...
- Than a pump?
- Yeah.
I mean, in the end,
it's just an organ, right?
But, symbolically...
Your heart
can fit right in my hand.
The heart is this
incredibly smart machine.
It beats seventy to eighty
times a minute...
and in the space
of each beat...
sends deoxygenated blood
to your lungs...
and oxygenated blood
to all your organs.
Cut the aorta,
and you'll release...
a jet of blood
that hits the ceiling.
Now, who needs
to use it as a symbol...
when the thing itself
is so magnificent?
- The thing itself.
- Hmm.
Well, as a symbol,
it should be replaced.
The heart's had its day.
Why not the kidney as a symbol
of love, or the liver?
Hmm.
"You broke my liver."
"My liver aches for you"?
Doesn't rhyme as well...
you know, for country songs
and Shakespeare.
Sure it does.
I'm aquiver.
Please deliver.
Deep as a river,
my love, my liver.
I just can't...
Hello?
Hi.
Oscar's here, visiting.
Yeah.
I know. OK.
Your father says,
"Don't forget...
"we're having dinner tonight."
I haven't forgotten!
He says, "Did you ask
Miranda Spear to join us?"
- Who?
- Miranda...
No. No.
Tonight's family night.
Don't worry about that, Oscar.
I mean, Diane is coming.
Diane?
And Phil.
It sure would be nice
to see Diane and Phil.
Have you met Phil?
I think so.
Well, Phil isn't coming, OK?
Diane likes
to keep her options open.
It's just Diane. Right?
Yeah. I thought so
Hey, buddy. Come on in.
- Is Diane around?
- She isn't.
Is your back
still bothering you?
Well, come on in.
I'll give you a rub-a-dub.
Thanks. Anyway
I'd rather not trust my back
to a dentist.
The old gal
taught me a few tricks.
Why do you call her "old gal"?
You make her sound
like she's a horse.
Actually,
she's more of a wildcat.
Diane's with the girls
down at Payard
if your back's really that bad.
Hey, you know, buddy, you're
gonna have to learn to relax.
You're gonna be dead
before you reach twenty.
Thank you very much
Here you go
No, you didn't.
Is that right?
Diane.
Can I talk to you
for a minute, please?
You must be Oscar.
I'm Samantha.
So, it sounds like you have...
some interesting ideas
about French philosophy.
Yes. Diane was telling us...
that you regard Voltaire
as a comedian.
Well, I think that
when you look at his body...
Excuse me. Diane, can I talk
to you for a minute, please?
In a minute, Oscar.
Oscar, have some tea.
The assertion
that all man's actions
are essentially self-serving
has never been taken
in the spirit it was intended...
which was a quote, a quote.
And that's what Adam Smith
was really saying...
in The Wealth of Nations.
At least,
that's what I've always thought.
- More tea, Oscar?
- Thank you, Abigail.
Now, most people
are going to tell you...
that Quine's belief
in the inherent goodness...
But, Oscar, I don't see how you
can dismiss Mirabeau so easily.
Mirabeau never even
got out of the gate.
Oh, you naughty girl.
- Where did you find him?
- Isn't he lovely?
He's so passionate,
and he really listens.
Do you mind
if I give him my number?
No. Go ahead.
Oscar, I'd love to chat
more with you...
about this sometime
or, um, about anything.
I'm pretty busy
with midterms and all.
Anything, anytime.
- Bye, Oscar.
- Bye, Samantha.
- Bye, Oscar.
- Abigail.
- Bye, Diane.
- Bye, girls.
Well, Oscar,
it was a pleasure to meet you.
Pleasure.
You two be good Heh heh
I'll call you tomorrow.
- Diane.
- Mm-hmm.
You didn't, uh, tell anybody...
about what happened last night,
did you?
Does it matter if I had?
You're a grown-up...
or close enough.
Did you?
I didn't say anything definite.
I may have hinted a little.
Hinted? Why do they need hints?
This isn't charades.
What if one of them tells Phil?
- Phil, schmil.
- "Phil, schmil?"
That isn't very nice. That
isn't very sensitive at all.
Oscar, please.
Phil and I are not an item.
Ahem. Excuse me.
There's no smoking.
OK.
Forget about Phil.
Diane, I'd like to ask you...
not to come to dinner tonight.
Not go to Cafe Balou?
Are you kidding?
Your father's paying.
I want to minimize
the likelihood...
of your blabbing to Eve.
Maybe you've already told Eve.
I haven't even seen Eve yet.
Yet?
Do you plan to tell her?
Oscar,
Eve and I grew up together.
Jeez, the stories I could tell
you about Eve when we were 15.
You wouldn't have
recognized her.
I don't want to hear it.
When we were fifteen,
Eve had this thing for Elvis.
- Elvis Presley?
- Hmm.
Flipped for any guy
in sideburns.
Sideburns? What's so great
about sideburns?
I don't know.
The strangest things
made her happy.
She was always happy back then.
Back then?
Are you saying now she isn't?
No.
That wasn't my intention.
Look. You know what?
Let's just forget it.
I shouldn't have said anything.
No. We can't just forget it.
We're talking about
Eve's happiness here.
I guess I can confide in you.
We're close now, right?
In a manner of speaking.
OK. Ahem.
I don't think Eve is happy.
There's a void.
Something's missing.
What makes you say that?
It's a woman thing.
I sense it. I feel it.
Plus, last week,
she said there was a void...
and something was missing.
Did she say what?
Couldn't put her finger on it.
I wouldn't worry about it.
She'll get over it.
So. Who is this girl?
A friend of the family's.
You gonna see each other again?
Tonight. But her best friend's
gonna be there.
Well, is the friend cute?
I wouldn't call her cute,
exactly.
I mean, would I like her?
Well, you know,
I slept with her last night.
With the friend?
Damn!
Yeah. With the friend
But you don't like the friend.
Not really. Not like that.
But you're going to dinner
with both of them...
the woman you like
and the woman you slept with?
Yeah.
My dad's coming, too.
Nothing's simple
for the Grubber.
Talk to me, Oscar.
What's going on here?
I don't know, Charlie.
I found her.
The girl with the great hands.
Terrific hands.
Are you gonna tell me her name?
Eve.
Eve... like your mother.
Eve's not my mother.
She's my stepmother.
We're not blood relatives
at all.
Wait. So, your Eve is that Eve?
Your mother?
She's very wise...
and soft.
Are you out of your mind?
Do you want to end up in hell
or something?
Charlie, I love her.
Oscar,
Eve is married to your father.
I know, but I sense there's
a void there... something missing.
She needs something more
in her life.
Oh, and that would be you...
her stepson.
I mean, hey, I know you're
French, and you have, like...
a different idea
of family relations, but...
Wait.
This means you slept with Diane.
I realize that was a mistake.
She was wearing Eve's scarf.
It smelled of her perfume.
I got confused.
Uh... I mean...
Diane's pretty hot...
for that age group.
These look fake.
You really fucked up.
Charlie, help me.
I need sideburns.
Well... all right.
Let me think.
I know
we've talked about it
just being the two of us
but the Shermans love
Beethoven. As it turns out
Is it all right with you
if they come with us?
Honey? Did you hear me?
Sure Fine
Norm knows the Galea
like the back of his hand
He'll be humming along.
Like he did with Carmen
Remember that?
Eve. have you seen my tie?
Honey?
Honey. I want the tie
the Shermans
gave me for Christmas
- Hi.
- Hi.
You look nice.
You look, uh, different.
Worse or better?
Very handsome.
You're making me nervous.
Relax.
I'll be very good tonight.
Just don't let me drink.
He looks over at me,
and he goes...
"You know,
you have really beautiful eyes."
I go, "Yeah, I know that."
But, you know,
we're in a movie theater.
There's no way he could see
my eyes. It's dark.
So, he goes, "You know what's
wrong with the modern woman?
"They're acutely sensitive."
So, Oscar,
are you happy at Chauncey?
You already asked me that, dad.
I did?
And what did you say?
I said it was OK.
Sometimes
you don't listen so good.
So well. Listen so well.
See, you correct,
or you add facts...
or you give
your own little anecdotes...
but you don't really
absorb the reason...
the person is saying
the thing that she is.
- She?
- Me, I mean.
The reason
I'm telling you something.
Hmm, that's interesting.
- And silence, dad.
- Silence?
Listen to what it tells you.
Sometimes it's peaceful,
sometimes it's a shrill scream.
Honey, this is Bob Spear.
Oh, pleased to meet you.
This is my daughter Miranda.
Oh, how's Chauncey
treating you, Miranda?
Good
- Have a nice holiday.
- You, too.
Nice to meet you
Hello
I'm Stanley Grubman
Oscar's father.
- Oscar Grubman?
- He's here.
This is such a coincidence
We were just talking about you
today... about. Uh...
Dad! Dad!
I was just
meeting your friend here.
And if you don't mind
my saying so...
she is a little firecracker.
I think Eve wants to see you
She has to give you a pill
or something.
What pill?
For your condition.
For my cholesterol?
Yes. Yes. Your cholesterol.
I'm sorry.
He gets a little confused.
- How are you, Oscar?
- Uh, fine.
Happy Thanksgiving.
What are you two talking about?
Colorado.
- What's this about pills?
- He's never been to Colorado.
Oscar,
you're acting very strangely.
What pills?
Bon soir. Would you like
to take something to drink?
May we see a wine list, please?
In fact, forget the wine.
Nobody wants it.
What's this? No wine?
Pardon?
The boy, he says you are
not in the mood for wine.
Oscar...
Oscar
I'm in the mood.
Me too.
Shouldn't we take a break
once in a while?
I mean, what are we, dependant?
We can't have a good time
without alcohol?
Oscar, you're making it sound
as if we have a problem.
Fine.
Wine list, please.
But why Portugal?
When people go to Portugal
I always think
all the hotel rooms in Spain
must have been booked
See. To me.
Portugal is the one
that's always held
the eternal mystery
Oh...
none for me, thanks.
And what do you want, Diane?
Peter says I may have
a shot at the English prize...
if I read Beowulf properly.
That is, taking into account
the times...
instead of reading it
with a contemporary slant.
You can't discount history,
Oscar.
No, you can't.
You can't discount it at all.
The sales representative...
this twenty-five-year-old kid
who's talking to me
about book jackets
for four hours
I went cross-eyed
Diane: How many pages
you got there. Stanley?
Stanley:
Well. I have about 715
How are you?
I'm good.
No. How are you?
I'm good, Oscar.
It's good to see you.
You, too.
Are you sure you don't have
a girlfriend at Chauncey?
I would think
they'd be lining up.
Eve... l've been thinking
about maybe going premed.
Maybe Columbia.
I'd be in the city,
we could meet...
to go over my homework...
I mean, if you'd be willing.
Well, I'd love to, Oscar,
but you love literature.
You're fluent in French.
You should be a scholar.
A lot of medicine's
in Latin, right?
So, I figure, French, Latin...
I'm not doing so badly
in biology.
I mean,
I know what an isotope is.
But if you went premed...
you couldn't get caught up in
the poetry of the pericardium.
I would get caught up
in the poetry...
of the thing itself,
like you do.
Don't quote me back to myself
Is the world really waiting
for another academic?
A new subject
Something I am passionate
Diane?
Diane. Would you
pass the bread. Please?
Ahem
Thank you.
Are you coming down
with something?
I'm fine.
Are we still playing tennis
tomorrow?
Oh, is that tomorrow, tennis?
Don't you think
you've had enough?
Look at some
first editions he just bought
He suspects he's been swindled.
Must you be so uptight...
I'm not saying anything.
You're making me nervous.
OK. Maybe you could go
to Norm's in the afternoon.
I could
I could go in the afternoon
Get your foot
out of my crotch, please.
Get your foot
out of my crotch, please.
The thing is, I hate tennis.
I have the court booked.
I'll play tennis with you, Eve.
I love tennis.
Yes, Oscar's a wonderful sport.
There you go.
Oscar'll play with you.
- You will? You don't mind?
- Not at all.
Oscar is very gallant.
Oscar has a new girlfriend.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
It seems last evening...
he had quite
the late night conversation.
Oh, tell us about it.
Diane,
wine is bad for your heart.
I thought wine
was good for your heart.
It is, in moderation.
So, who is this girl, Oscar?
She's quite a little number,
by the looks of her.
I thought the girls at Chauncey
hadn't lived enough.
Can we change the subject,
please?
Well. If we're going
to change the subject
I'm going to excuse myself
for the ladies room.
Excuse me.
I think that's why
he's acting so strangely.
What the hell are you doing?
- What do you mean?
- What do I mean?
You're drinking.
You're making these jokes.
You have your foot
in my crotch...
- Loosen up.
- Loosen up?
I asked you
not to let them know.
Oh, my!
What is it?
Something very unusual.
No one knows anything.
What is that on your face?
What?
Oh! Aah! Ow!
Do you two have something
you'd like to share with us?
What?
Oh, God.
What's going on?
Well?
OK, I think what
we're talking about here...
is Prufigger's
theory of distortion...
which states that
prismatic effect of a body...
reflected on a plane
at a certain angle...
Stanley, what is it?
An illusion...
Oh. What the hell
We're all adults here
No, actually, we're not.
Eve...
- Oscar and l...
- Both speak French.
Oscar and I are lovers
What?
What? Are you drunk?
Oscar, just relax.
I saw them in the mirror.
I just hope Miranda Spear
didn't see it, too.
Dad, there is no Miranda Spear.
There is no Mir...
What are you talking about?
I just shook hands
with her father.
When did this happen?
Last night?
Mm-hmm.
Stanley...
Of course, you know,
it's not that uncommon.
In ancient Rome,
fifty-year-old men...
would marry
fourteen-year-old girls.
This is not ancient Rome.
I am nowhere near fifty!
Well, it is all very
The Graduate.
Except that Oscar
hasn't graduated.
There.
Thanks.
So, you coming to bed soon?
Uh, in a while. I just have
to finish these chapter notes.
Good night, sweetheart.
I just don't see
why you're so upset
I'm entrusted with his welfare,
Diane.
I mean, can you imagine
if Oscar's mother found out?
She's French, isn't she?
They're not all like that, OK?
You're taking advantage of him.
Oh, bullshit, Eve.
Oscar's a smart kid.
Now, there are
some forty-year-old men...
of whom I am taking advantage.
Am I overreacting?
He's fifteen!
Well, you and I were hardly
innocent when we were fifteen.
Who went to the Jefferson
Airplane concert...
and pulled down
their tube top and...
That's different, OK?
All right, that's different.
I know why you're upset.
You're upset because you know
that deep down inside...
if our situations
were reversed...
you would have done
the exact same thing.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- You would have.
With a fifteen-year-old?
Not on your life.
Not just a fifteen-year-old.
A smart, sweet,
passionate person.
You're not the only one
with something missing.
Samantha Steadman
gave Oscar her phone number.
And you let her?
He can take care of himself.
I'm not his mother.
Neither are you.
What is wrong
with your friends?
- Nothing.
- Jesus.
And if you hadn't met somebody
in a really long time...
who was very excited
about life...
you would consider
a fifteen-year-old.
Love-thirty
Or, zero-thirty.
As if you know what love means
Comes from
the French word for egg.
L'oeuf
Eve...
I know how it must look.
I understand how misled
you must feel.
I spoke of poetic thoughts
of love and livers
merely hours after having
cheap, meaningless...
sexual intercourse
with your best friend.
No.
That's fifteen-thirty, right?
Serve!
Eve...
sometimes
the natural call of man...
is just too strong to...
No. Ugh.
So that's fifteen-forty, right?
A ratio
you seem particularly fond of.
And, yes, Eve,
true passion does still exist...
and I know this...
because I'm a man
who feels true passion.
I think you'll be fine.
If you're gonna mess with
the stuff of
Greek tragedies. Oscar
you're gonna have to be
prepared for the fallout.
Charlie, help me.
OK, let's look
at this rationally.
If you had met Eve
in, say, a coffee shop...
would you still be
attracted to her?
I mean, it's not just 'cause
she's your mother, is it?
She's not my mother.
Stop saying that.
OK, look,
maybe it's not your fault.
Since your father's been
married to another woman
in the eyes of the church,
he's a polygamist.
So maybe you're just
genetically predisposed...
that is, programmed
to repeat the mistakes...
or sins of your biological...
Shut up, Charlie.
You kids having fun?
Do you want some cookies
or anything?
No, ma, we're fine.
My, Oscar, I can't believe
how big you've gotten.
Yeah, I guess
I hit quite a spurt there.
All right, yeah, uh...
All right, ma, thanks.
And I'll, uh, see you later.
Stick to your own mom,
will you?
Hey, Jimmy.
What's on your mind, Tadpole?
Nobody calls me that anymore,
Jimmy.
What do they call you now?
Stupid.
Everything's messed up.
Well, what's the trouble,
Tadp... uh, Stupid?
Women, I guess.
Not girls?
No, they're definitely women.
No women...
no cry.
Thanks for that, Jimmy.
I made you a sandwich.
Thanks.
Grilled cheese... my favorite
I know
Good thing it's something
I can actually cook.
Dad always burns them.
He won't use teflon.
Well, he's a traditionalist.
These, uh, teflon make
replacement heart valves, right?
You know way too much
for a fifteen-year-old.
Nothing worth knowing.
That's not true, Oscar...
plenty worth knowing.
You know...
with Diane...
Oscar, I've already decided
it's really none of my business.
You are old enough
to make your own decisions.
I want to explain.
With Diane, well...
it was teflon sex.
Pardon me?
She was doing this thing
to my back... pressing.
And I was drunk,
she's a chiropractor...
- that kind of thing.
- That kind of thing.
Hormones racing out of control
or pheromones.
I'm not that kind of a person.
You told me once
that it could be years...
before anyone
really understood...
what the hell
I was talking about...
but that the day would come...
when everyone caught up to me.
And while I knew that maybe
you were just being kind...
I knew one thing.
That I love...
things.
- And, and, uh...
- It's OK.
And there was Diane...
and she was...
wearing your scarf.
I better do the dishes.
Well, I lost big-time.
Look at you.
You're a good boy, Oscar.
Where's Eve?
How should I know?
In bed. Probably
Probably.
That Professor Tisch,
I think he's a cheat.
I bet he palms
off the bottom of the deck.
Oscar. have you noticed
anything different about Eve
this weekend?
Different? Like what?
I don't know,
for the last few months...
she's been going to bed
earlier.
Maybe she's just tired, or...
Or what?
I don't know what.
Maybe I'm missing something.
I thought about
what you said last night.
Maybe I haven't been
listening too well.
Then again, maybe
I'm just imagining things.
Tom. Get your plane
right on time
I know
your part'll go fine
Fly down to Mexico
Do-n-do-n-do-n-do
and here I am
The only living boy
in New York
I get the news I need
on the weather report
I can gather all the news
I need on the weather report
Hey. I got nothing to do
today but smile
Do-n-do-n-do-n-do
and here I am
The only living boy
in New York
Half of the time we're gone.
But we don't know where
And we don't know when
Ahh
I'll get your ticket.
I'll be right back.
You have a loose button.
I'd sew it for you,
but I don't sew.
I know.
I'm not a very good mother...
step-mother.
Who says they have
to cook and sew?
Anyway,
you know how to monitor...
cardiac myocytes...
that's enough.
How's your liver?
Hurts.
Broken?
No.
I love your father very much.
Me, too.
So, see you back here
in about three weeks?
You two look very serious
We're talking about Christmas.
Oscar's going to his mother's
in France.
He is?
We're going to Portugal,
just the two of us.
- We are?
- Lf you want.
Hey.
Bye, sweetie.
Here.
Thanks, Oscar.
You're welcome.
See you at school.
OK.
"If we don't find
anything pleasant...
"at least we shall find
something new."
What's that?
Voltaire.
Oh, right.
See you at school.
She is so hot for you.
She smells nice.
She what?
Still don't know
what I was waiting for
And my time
was running wild
So, what happened with Eve?
Every time
I thought I'd got it made
Come on, talk to me, Grubber.
So I turned myself
to face me
Well, it wasn't as important
as I thought it was.
Of how the others
must see the faker
I'm much too fast
to take that test
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strain
Ch-ch-ch-changes
Don't want to be
a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strain
Ch-ch-ch-changes
Just gonna have to be
a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
Ooh. Yeah
I watch the ripples
change their size
But never leave the stream
of warm impermanence
And so the days
float through my eyes
But still the days
seem the same
And these children
that you spit on
As they try
to change their worlds
Are immune
to your consultations
They're quite aware
of what they're going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strain
Ch-ch-changes
Don't tell them
to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strain
Ch-ch-changes
Where's your shame?
You've left us
up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time
Strange fascination.
Fascinating me
Aw. Changes are taking
the pace I'm going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strain
Ch-ch-changes
Ooh. Iook out
you rock 'n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strain
Ch-ch-changes
Pretty soon now you're
gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that
time may change me
But I can't trace time