Tales of Halloween (2015) Movie Script

Attention, all you
it's time to get your ghoul on,
for tonight is
All Hallow's Eve,
my favorite time of the year.
Our little town really
comes alive on October 31st,
when witches and devils,
imps and monsters
roam our town.
As the holiday
activities begin,
the streets are filled
with all kinds
of creatures of the night.
Some wear masks to disguise
their dark intentions,
while others choose
to hide in plain sight.
So warning to those of you
collecting your treats
and filling your bellies.
Keep your wits about you
and don't forget
to check your candy.
Hey, Mikey, slow down.
You're gonna
make yourself sick.
What'd I miss?
Just Mikey being
a human garbage disposal.
Ooh, I see.
Seriously, Mikey, you better
save some for Sweet Tooth.
Who's Sweet Tooth?
About 50 years ago,
Timothy Blake
lived on this very street.
Timmy loved Halloween.
He loved to dress up.
Most of all,
he loved trick-or-treating.
But he was always sad
when he had to go home.
But that's the best part.
That's when you get
to eat all the candy.
Not for Timmy.
See, Timmy's parents
were really strict.
They would let him go out
but they never let him
eat any of the candy.
They said eating candy
would make him fat and lazy
and rot his teeth.
Go to your room, son.
Why let him go
trick-or-treating then
if he couldn't have any candy?
What do they do with it all?
That's exactly
what Timmy wanted to know.
So one Halloween,
Timmy snuck downstairs
to find out.
Where'd he get all this?
Did you find it?
Mmm! Mmm!
Suck on this!
There's my candy bar!
What did he do?
No, no, no!
After he killed his parents,
Timmy finally had
his first piece of candy.
He was hooked.
He ate every last piece
his parents hadn't.
- But...
- What?
He wanted more.
But there wasn't any left.
Yes, there was.
No way.
Timmy ate all the candy
he could find
inside his parents, but...
- What?
- He wanted more.
Now every Halloween,
every single Halloween since,
his evil spirit comes back
If you don't share
your candy with him,
he will come and take it,
all of it,
even the candy
you've already eaten.
Anything to satisfy
his sweet tooth.
Lizzy, is it true
what Kyle said?
It was just a story, Mikey.
He was just trying to scare you.
He's a douchebag.
Get some sleep.
As long as they have you...
- What are you doing?
- Celebrating.
I think Mikey
almost shit his pants.
Thanks for the assist.
We'll be lucky if he gets
any sleep tonight.
I think we might have
taken it too far.
Come on, Liz.
The Sweet Tooth story's
a Halloween tradition.
Every kid in town falls for it.
It's like a rite of passage.
I know, but you didn't
have to be such a...
An awesome guy?
A douchebag.
His words, not mine.
Peace offering?
Trick or treat.
Get out in that field.
It could be a barn fire.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe we ate it all.
I feel sick.
Where you going?
I'm going to get some Pepto
before we both get sick.
Better hurry.
You know we are going
to have to get more candy.
Don't say the C-word.
Hit him in the head,
right between the eyes.
Good shot.
Okay, he's dead.
Let's go get him.
That's another one
for the fire.
Trick or treat.
I'm coming! I'm coming!
Don't puke! Don't puke!
You gonna live?
You better get going.
Mikey's parents
will be home soon.
Trick or treat.
I'm too tired.
- I don't wanna drive her home.
- I don't eith...
- Whoa!
- Jesus, Mikey.
Don't yell at him tonight.
It's Halloween.
- I'm too drunk to yell at him.
- Trick or treat, by the way.
Trick or treat.
- Do you want a treat?
- Yes.
- Do you want a treat from me?
- I want a trick first.
- What about the babysitter?
- Okay, okay, shh.
I'm gonna keep this thing on.
I promise you that, okay?
Absolutely you can tuck me in.
They ate all of my candy.
I can't believe I let you
talk me into this.
It's 3 p.m., and we're
dressed like assholes.
I can talk you into anything
I want dressed like this.
Gross! I'm right here.
You mad that your sister
took your costume, bud?
How can you even breathe
in that thing?
It's 100 fucking degrees
- You get used to it.
- Leave him alone, Todd.
- He likes his dorky outfit.
- Oh, my God, Billy!
I am an idiot.
I totally forgot to ask.
- Did your mother dress up?
- What?
Is your mother in a slutty
costume like your sister?
- Hey!
- What?
You remember your mom
brought you to school
in that Catwoman
outfit one year?
- We still talk about it.
- You're such a pig.
Can't we just go
Is he special?
It's not even dark yet.
Plus, I think it's time you do
Halloween like the big kids.
Todd, don't. Do we have
to do this every year?
- Do what?
- Pranks.
Do the tricks
and get the treats.
With us, tonight.
Billy, you love candy, right?
- Yeah.
- And you also love Halloween
'cause you're dressed like
a retarded six-year-old
from Leave it to Beaver,
no offense.
But you know who doesn't
love Halloween?
Your next-door neighbor.
He has to watch you
spaz out every year.
And does he even
put up any decorations
or leave the lights on
or leave out a bowl of candy?
No way.
Why would we egg anyone?
Why do you think
kids tag his house every year?
I mean, it's been going on
for as long as I can remember.
- It's a Halloween tradition.
- It kind of is.
I actually started
when I was about your age too.
Plus, if you don't,
I will tell everyone
that you pissed your pants.
But I don't pee...
No one else will know that,
Captain Pisspants.
But I don't pee in my pants.
Really? Fine.
Go. Up there.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, shoot!
- Holy shit, run.
Oh, shit!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Nice costume.
I didn't...
I mean, I had no idea.
No idea that what?
That you terrible children
have been destroying
my home for years?
He said... They told me it was
a Halloween tradition to prank.
Young man...
you are going to learn...
what a real Halloween prank is.
By the way, Billy,
is your mother dressing up
again this year?
Ladies, Happy Halloween.
Boo! Boo!
Come on.
Happy Hallo... ween.
Candy rots your teeth.
Can't have that, can we?
- Ugh!
- Don't forget to floss!
What an asshole.
Happy Halloween!
- What the hell?
- Hey!
- Billy, what the hell, man?
- Billy, you little shit!
What are you doing?
Is that gasoline?
Are you joking me?
What are you doing out here
by yourself?
It's not funny!
It is not funny!
Hey, give me the candy!
Hold that.
He's got a gun!
That's it!
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go!
Get the trick-or-treater!
Get 'em, kid!
It's tight! Tight in the shirt!
- It's a heart attack.
- Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
- Aren't you Adrianne Curry?
- Yes.
Ooh! Might I have
your autograph?
Big fan, big fan!
Thank you.
Adrianne Curry!
How many Twitter followers
do you have?
500 thousand?
500 thousand and one.
Hit 'em, hit 'em, hit 'em!
Ah! I guess we'll
come back again.
Good going, buddy!
Excellent work back there,
Now if you'd be so kind
as to untie our guest.
What? I thought
you were gonna show me
what a real
Halloween prank was.
Oh, I believe I did.
And I believe you'll find
some visitors at your home.
Why don't you just
run along now, little boy?
You know, your mother's going
to have a lot more free time
on her hands now.
I just want you to know
that I plan to be here for her.
Freeze! Let me see your hands!
- Get on the ground!
- Hands behind your head!
- Don't you move.
- Did you just pee yourself?
He just peed himself!
What the hell's wrong with you?
I wonder what happened
to the ones from last year.
Each year we spend good money
on these things,
come out here, and the ones
from last year's gone.
Flowers die.
The caretaker or somebody
takes them away.
Yeah, a little spit
and polish will clean this up.
Hey, hey, check this one out.
Awesome, huh?
You're disgusting!
Shh! There's a movie on.
Trick or treat!
Oh, wow. Here you go.
- Aww!
- Thank you!
You look great.
Why are there so many
pirates this year?
It's like every other kid's
got an eyepatch.
Maybe they're all missing eyes.
You're so bad.
Bunch of gimpy kids
with peg legs and patches.
Give me some candy, matey!
- You're stupid.
- They're coming to get you!
- Your turn.
- Man!
Fine, fine, fine.
You're acting like a child!
They're coming for you!
Look! There comes
one of them now.
- He'll hear you.
- Here he comes.
I'm getting out.
Can you say trick-or-treat?
Hey, there, princess.
What do you say, huh?
Ah, that-a-girl.
Hey, you want some
rum and cider?
No, thanks.
Change your mind already, huh?
Ah, it's a witch. Awesome.
Trick or treat?
Nelson, you're drunk.
She's supposed to say that.
Trick or treat?
What's wrong?
- Oh, my God.
- What happened?
What's wrong?
Baby, baby! What? Oh, my...
What the fuck?
It was the girl!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
What the hell?
- What's wrong? I'll call 911!
- We've gotta get to a hospital!
What are you guys,
fucking idiots?
Give me my purse,
and I'll get the car.
Nelson, stay with me, baby!
Goddamn it!
Oh, my God! Oh, my fucking God!
Where's the car?
- What the fuck happened?
- The little kid!
What? What is it?
Maria, she...
- What?
- Oh, shit. Holy shit!
Please don't. Please.
Happy Halloween,
you fucking sicko.
Now here's a tale
for all you hood rats
over there across town
on the wrong side
of the tracks.
Keep your heads up
and your butts down
'cause the weak need
all the help they can get
when the wicked
come out to ride
on All Hallow's Eve.
No, no. Wait, wait, guys.
Hold on a second.
Hold on a second.
Ain't you a little old
for Halloween candy, Sheriff?
Show me piggy's trotters.
Please, Alice, please, please,
please, please.
Alice, please.
Alice, guys, hang on, hang on.
No, no, no, wait. Wait, wait.
I know you, stranger?
It spills the blood
of the wicked
where the wicked
have harmed the weak.
Think you turned yourself into
a monster with that suit, boy?
Mount up.
You'd be little Jimmy Henson.
They didn't do nothing to you.
Hold him down.
When the word is carved
in flesh, the call is sent.
Return them to the location
of their offense.
Punch him!
You know...
it's kinda poetic, really.
on All Hallow's Eve!
There are no monsters here.
Just me.
Spirits roam the earth tonight.
Do you know why wear
costumes on Halloween?
It's so the dead
won't know who's alive.
Their night.
And while some of them
like mingling with the living,
there are others who don't
like to be seen at all.
There's one ghost who hates it
more than any of the others.
Mary Bailey was laughed at
her whole life.
She died being bullied
and unloved.
All because she had
a disfigured face.
But now it's her turn
to have the last laugh.
She comes back every Halloween
to taunt the living
and to laugh at them
behind their backs.
So just a word of warning
If you find yourself alone
on the way back,
and you hear an evil cackle
and footsteps behind you,
I wouldn't turn around
because if she
finds you looking,
when you least expect it,
she's gonna take your eyes.
Very funny. Good one, you guys.
We never miss a chance
to make you jump.
God bless 'em.
You're all in on it, huh?
Well, we couldn't resist.
You scare so easily!
You're lucky it's Halloween.
Cheers, my baby.
Let's have a drink!
- Are you good to drive?
- Oh, yeah.
I'm not that far,
and I'm not that drunk.
What are you... Oh!
Are you still driving
that piece of crap?
- I love that piece of crap.
- Good night.
- Oh, bye, guys.
- Lovely party.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
All right, well, thank you for
coming to the Halloween party.
Oh, come on, I know how much
this means to you.
Well, all right.
- Good night, Mom.
- Drive safe.
I will.
See you before next year.
Yeah! Duh!
A song to get you
to the other side
of the witching hour.
Oh, God.
Oh, shit.
Oh, come on.
Oh, God.
Oh, shit.
Let's see.
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit.
Mary Bailey bullshit!
Don't look, don't look,
don't look.
Baby, you scared Mommy!
What are you doing?
What is it, Baby?
What are you looking at?
Where you going?
Trick or treat!
Look at all those children
out there.
It's not fair.
I know, honey.
But look.
Trick or treat.
- What are you doing, Jack?
- I don't know. I thought...
Dressing our dog up
like Rapunzel
would make me forget
that we don't have a child?
- Gretel.
- What?
She's supposed to be
Gretel, you know?
Like Hansel and Gretel?
Where is my child?!
I couldn't give her
what she wanted.
Where is my child?!
Tonight we embrace
the situation, Jack.
No hiding in the dark.
We're gonna have fun.
We need to have fun.
This isn't gonna upset you,
is it, honey?
Why would adorable children
coming to our door upset me?
Trick or treat!
Well, hello,
my little pretties.
And what are we supposed to be?
- Witch!
- I'm the devil.
Oh, you are, are you?
Well, pleasantries aside,
I assume you're here for candy.
Good! Hansel here
has lots of candy.
But we've been using it
to fatten him up,
so I can eat him,
just like I ate
his little sister Gretel.
I ate her ear last,
so she could hear herself
be eaten.
Uh, would you like
some of mein candies?
Don't forget your line.
Trick or treat!
I ate her ear last,
so she could hear me chew.
Maybe we should
call it a night.
You know, go to bed early,
forget about all this.
Why do you make me do it?
I don't mean to.
Aren't they just so darn cute?
I could just eat them up.
I'm gonna make cookies!
Maybe we just have
bad luck, Jack.
Or maybe I'm pregnant
right now,
and we just don't even know it.
Happy Halloween!
There, there.
Are you lost, little one?
I can take you
back to the sidewalk
to help you look
for your mother.
It's okay. Come inside?
It's safe in there.
Is this one yours?
I told you not to run away
like that.
Thank you.
What's wrong with me, Jack?
Maybe people like us
shouldn't have kids.
The things you do to me,
the way you hurt me,
I couldn't let you do that
to a child.
I saw a doctor,
and he made it so that
I couldn't give you one.
I'm sorry.
I'm melting!
Who dares disturb
the sleep of the dead?
I'm guessing you guys.
What the hell?
- That's enough.
- That's enough.
We need a little bit more
black over on this.
Hey, Dr. Cadaverino!
How you doin'?
- Would you turn the music down?
- What?
I'm sorry.
It's a little loud out here.
I would like you
to turn the music down.
Oh, I'd like to help you out,
but it's fucking Halloween!
My favorite holiday.
It's a sacred holiday.
Exactly! You get it, right?
Look at you, with that whole
undead Dr. Nosferatu thing
you got going on.
You really threw down
with that, man.
Look, you knew...
I have been doing this display
exactly as-is
for the past 20 years.
Yeah, we can tell.
Would you please
turn the music down!
And you, it's after dark.
Close the dairy.
Fuck off, old man.
Whoa, dude, monster up!
Don't be such a party pooper.
This is what's beautiful.
This is what's been lost
because of you... and this.
I like what you did
over there, man.
You're like a cute little
kiddie show.
Like a spooky daycare.
Yeah! That's the spirit!
Hey, asshole!
Of course you realize
this means war.
No! Don't do it!
Fight, everybody!
Do you know what would perk up
this candy-ass display?
Some motherfucking blood.
You got him! Kick his ass, man!
Hey, hey, I got 20 bucks
on the scientist!
20 bucks! 20 bucks!
- [cheering.
- Yeah, baby!
- Go, fucker, go!
- Yeah!
Yeah! Get him, baby!
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight!
- Yeah!
- Come on! Come on!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Oh, shit.
In olden days, on this night,
it was believed that
the veil between our world
and the spirit would
was at its thinnest.
So be careful.
However terrifying
you might think you look,
there's always something worse
lurking out there.
And on Halloween,
nothing is what it seems.
Please! No!
Help me!
Please, no!
You don't have to do this!
No! No!
No more.
Trick or treat.
Trick or treat.
I don't know. I don't know.
Trick or treat.
Trick or treat.
Trick or treat.
Trick or treat.
Trick or treat.
Trick or treat.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Trick or treat.
Are you kids still up,
or are you tucked away in bed?
The night isn't over,
and you're far from safe.
So here's a little something
to keep you company.
Why do I gotta be the princess?
'Cause we only have two masks,
and I sure as shit ain't
going as a princess.
Here he comes. Get ready.
Oh, boy, can you imagine
what it's like
to have your daddy
as a millionaire?
Just dad.
Look at the spoiled little brat.
Robbing banks is one thing.
I don't know about kidnapping.
Oh, my God. Seriously, Dutch.
Please don't give me
that moral bullshit.
We're not gonna hurt him.
And Rex Enterprise is gonna
handle the measly ransom,
believe me.
You know, if we're
gonna do this,
our window is right now.
We're never going to get
a better opportunity...
All right, shut up.
Just shut up!
Let's just do this.
All right.
Oh, you're such a cutie.
I love your costume.
There you go. Have fun.
Happy Halloween!
Trick or treat.
Aren't you a little old
for trick-or-treating?
You're never too old
for sugar, mama.
Get lost!
Hello, kid.
Don't scream, don't run.
We won't hurt ya.
I'm not here to steal
your fucking candy, kid.
Well, I must say, that was...
That's pretty easy.
Well, why wouldn't it be?
It's a solid plan.
Now for the fun part.
Hey, kid, you've done
really good so far,
so what we're gonna do right now
is we're gonna call your daddy.
And if he asks to talk to you,
I need you to say,
"Hi, Daddy. Um, I'm fine."
Okay? Got it?
Hey! Give me that!
Hey, behave.
Make the call.
- Jebediah Rex?
- Speaking.
Listen to me very carefully,
Mr. Rex. We have your son.
If you ever want to
see him alive again,
you're gonna do
exactly as I say.
You have Rusty?
That's right.
For five million Benjamins,
you get your precious Rusty
You've made a terrible mistake.
You're in no position
to make threats, Mr. Rex.
You poor bastard, you have
no idea what you've done.
No, I think I... Hello?
What the fuck?
Did he just hang up on me?
Call him back.
- Hello?
- Hello.
Um, why did you hang up on me?
Because we're negotiating the
release of your son, Mr. Rex.
Not interested.
Do not call this number again.
Okay, listen to me.
I'm not playing around with you.
What the fuck?
Oh, shit.
Lock the door! Lock the door!
Come on out, kid.
I'm gonna count to five.
If your little punk ass
doesn't come out,
you're gonna be
all kinds of sorry.
All right, here we go.
O-O-Okay! Uh...
Get him off me!
Get him off me! Fuck!
Oh, whoa! Whoa!
Oh, what the...
It's not a fucking kid!
Oh, shit.
No, no. no.
Ah! Ah!
- Ah!
- No! No, no!
Fuck! Come on!
Hey, come on, kid,
come on, kid.
I'm gonna fucking kill you,
you little shit!
What are we gonna do
with this thing?
Oh, I've got an idea.
Wait, I... Fuck, I can't...
I can't... I can't do this.
You can't do what?
Are you kidding me?
My nuts were viciously assaulted
by a monster, dude.
What kind of a monster
cries like that?
I'm just gonna check on him.
I'm gonna check on him.
Problem solved.
Promise we'll never
speak of this again.
For one, it's fucking
Two, I don't believe
that I was fucking there.
I agree. Let's just pretend
like it never hap...
What the hell?
What is it?
What is it?
No. Ohh! Ohh!
Oh, no!
Hey, hello, it's me again.
Um... Please take him back.
I don't think so.
I'm begging you, please,
just take him back.
He's your problem now.
Come on, man!
Just name your price!
Anything you want! Please!
Don't you get it?
I'm finally free. It...
showed up five years ago
on Halloween night
and would not leave.
Okay, so let me
ask you a question.
Why the hell did you pretend
like it was your son, man?
- What were you thinking?
- He's not your son!
He's not your son!
We've been held hostage
this whole time.
- What the fuck?
- He'll never let you go, ever.
By the way,
make sure you feed him,
or he will eat.
Oh! Oh, he's gonna eat!
Oh, that's great! Thanks!
You're an asshole!
Trick or treat, asshole.
Okay, all right.
I say we drive
till the sun comes up,
and then we just
drive a lot more.
Fuck this town.
Fuck everybody in it.
Fuck kidnapping, bro, right?
Amen to that.
Here you go, Dutch,
you lazy bastard.
Sorry, princess,
no strawberry shakes.
Ta-da! I give you
my masterpiece.
Yeah, it's not bad.
Come on. We have to get ready
for the party.
I just gotta clean up in here.
- Hurry up.
- Okay.
Honey, you ready?
What the fuck?
Stop it!
Detective McNally,
am I glad you're here.
- So what have we got?
- It's a nasty one.
Apparently the husband got
his head bitten clean off.
Bitten? By what?
I don't know. An animal maybe?
The wife's pretty shook up,
but she's inside
with the sketch artist.
Oh, jeez.
Reminds me of the case
of the man who stuck
his head in a blender.
Talk about making a meal of it.
- Has Forensic Bob seen this?
- He's all over it.
- Where's the wife?
- Through here.
Ma'am, my name's
Detective McNally,
and I want to assure you I will
do everything within my power
to bring this killer
to justice.
Detective, you don't have
the slightest idea
what you're dealing with.
This has to be a nightmare
because what I saw in there is...
It's not possible.
All right, what have we got?
You're not going
to believe this.
Try me.
Nice work, Rembrandt.
How am I supposed to put out
an APB on a pumpkin?
- Detective?
- Yeah.
Captain wants to see you
down at the station.
Wait for me, Kevin.
Hey, do not go knocking on
strangers' doors
until I'm there.
- Do you hear me?
- Yes, Mom!
Watch it, lady!
McNally, get the fuck in here!
Shut the door, shut the door.
Sit in the fucking chair.
Rough day?
I don't know.
What do you think?
What's wrong with
this fucking picture?
It's Halloween, sir.
Bullshit. Bullshit!
Every year on Halloween,
this town goes batshit crazy.
I mean, check these reports out.
We've got hysterical blindness,
we got neighbors
attacking neighbors,
kids looting
convenience stores.
There's even a fucking report
of a UFO.
I mean, this is bullshit,
You're just the man
to fix this.
Just get your butt out there
and do the work
'cause if you don't,
I'm going to boot you
back to vice so fast,
your head's gonna spin.
Understood, Captain. I'm on it.
Good, good! Go bag me
some of those horror freaks.
What the hell
happened to you guys?
Some crazy kid ate
a shitload of chocolate.
Yeah, and then he ate
his babysitter.
- Oh, the night.
- Oh, the mess.
McNally, check this out.
So I measure the bite marks
on the victim's body,
Whatever bit that guy's head off
had a mouth about this wide.
Yeah. I can think
of a few suspects.
Yeah, but then I ran the data
through the computer
to make a 3D model
and this is what
it came up with.
Look familiar?
Nice work, Bob. I owe you one.
Buy me a drink later?
I'll think about it.
I gotta go.
Greetings, ghouls.
Twelve bells means
the witching hour is upon us.
That's when the weird,
crazy, scary scale
goes totally off the charts.
So lock your doors
and hold onto your candy
because Halloween
is about to get real.
Dispatch to McNally.
Got a 10-34 on Union and Baker.
Fire and medical are en route.
I don't know
what's going on down there,
but it sounds like
a total clusterfuck.
- Do you copy?
- I'm on my way.
Holy shit!
Nice timing.
I thought you might
need a hand.
Guess I owe you that drink now.
Let's go.
We have a warrant
to search your premises.
Look, I'm in the middle
of some important work here.
- You can't just barge...
- Yes, I can.
I wouldn't argue with her.
She's not in the mood.
I guess you should come in.
So, uh, Milo,
show me where you grow
these super pumpkins.
I can't just give away
company secrets
to anybody who walks
through the...
- I'll get some lights on.
- Quit stalling, Milo.
Oh, boy.
Holy shit.
What's the big deal?
Just a bunch of pumpkins.
The witching hour is over.
Thanks for listening.
And until next year,
Happy Halloween!