The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again (1979) Movie Script
Wagon comin'!
Sound fire alarm!
Open the gates!
[Men Shouting]
Fire alarm! Fire alarm!
[Man]
On the double! Move it!
[Man]
Move it, soldiers! Fire, fire!
It's Shoshone again, sir.
- And our wagon.
- Yes, sir.
Private Higgins and Corporal Albright
took it to the supply depot last week.
This belonged
to Corporal Albright.
Must have hit them coming out
of Sam Young Canyon.
Stripped it and put the torch to it.
- Take care of the mounts, Corporal.
- Yes, sir.
Lieutenant Ravencroft,
in the last three months,
the army has lost...
over 40 cases
of Springfield carbines.
Twice that amount
of army issue handguns,
saddles, blankets and rations.
Enough to supply
two forts this size.
And all those thefts
occurred in territory under
the protection of this fort.
I realize that, sir.
I want you to mount
another patrol, Lieutenant.
Take as many men as you need,
the best scouts we have...
and find out what happened
to those supplies!
- Yes, sir.
- Jim...
I'm running out of explanations
to Washington.
If these raids don't stop...
it could mean...
my command here.
I understand, sir.
I'll leave immediately.
Boy, I sure miss Dusty, Donovan,
and the kids...
and that old dinner bell
ringing on the farm.
Now don't start again, Amos.
Is that how you want to
go down in the history books?
"After terrorizing the West,
they ended up as farmers...
milkin' cows
and collectin' eggs."
- Is that what you want?
- Well, no, not exactly, but...
boy, Dusty sure could make
those biscuits and honey.
You just stick with me.
I tell ya, Amos, people are gettin' rich
in these boom towns...
and there's no reason why a couple
of smart hombres like us...
- can't double or even triple
our stake overnight.
- Double?
We got $300.43 now.
If we double that tonight,
then we triple that
tomorrow night, that'd be, uh...
- that'd be... carry the one...
- Kind of gets you
to thinkin', don't it?
- Six... no, four... three...
- First thing we gotta do is
get ourselves spiffied up.
- Then we'll take this town
like Grant took Richmond.
- That's right.
I get ya now.
How do you think we go about...
Howdy.
Say, um, how do you figure
going about that?
Well, uh, I'm still workin'
on the particulars.
I'll tell you one thing: We ain't gonna
dry gulch no one no more.
Yeah, and you ain't
gonna get us mixed up
in none of those bank robberies.
- Shh.
- Shh.
You want every punk gunslinger
this side of the Rio Grande
callin' us out?
You mean, make a rep
for himself, Theodore?
Don't even use
our real names.
We don't want no trouble
with the law neither.
We're goin' straight
from now on, Pard.
We're gonna live
by our wits.
Wits?
Whoa.
Whoa, now.
- Miss Gaskill?
- Yes.
Yes, ma'am,
I'm Private Reid.
I was assigned to escort you.
Were all the officers busy?
Well, you see,
there've been some problems
at the fort, ma'am...
and I guess they were needed
for more important duties.
It's a bit warmer
than I expected.
I'd best get some lighter clothing
before we leave.
You can take care of this
in the meantime...
and get my things
from the stage.
[Braying]
Well, what do you think, Clarise?
Huh? Yeah?
What's the matter?
Don't you recognize me? It's me.
- [Braying Continues]
- Oh, that. Uh, here. Take a whiff.
That's Eau deJasmine.
Direct from "Paree".
You wanna stop talkin'
to that donkey?
- It's embarrassing.
- Yeah, oh.
Say, uh, Theodore...
uh, Pard...
I was wonderin', before we take
this town, I wonder if we could
have our picture took?
Might not be a bad idea.
Might look good
in the history books.
- Come on.
- [Donkey Braying]
Can't talk to you anymore.
It's embarrassing.
[Photographer]
There.
Does this have to be
this tight?
Well, the purpose of a brace is
so that you'll stay absolutely still.
I thought I was gonna be
crouched down, like I'm
gettin' the drop on somebody.
- Will you just listen to the man, Amos?
- And stay still.
Stay absolutely still.
[People Chattering]
[Braying]
What was that?
- Just take the picture.
- All right, now both of you
take a deep breath...
- [Inhaling]
- And hold it.
One, two...
[Braying]
- Whoa!
- Don't let him near my equipment!
Amos, stop her!
Oh, my beautiful things!
Get me out of this!
Get me out of this!
You're going to pay for it.
I'll make you pay for it.
- You're making a shambles of my studio!
- Right. Gotta pay for this.
You're going to pay
for every cent of this,
or I'll have the law on you.
Oh, dear.
And bring back my headrests.
Theyjust came from St. Louis.
We only been
in this town three hours...
and already we got $70 less
than we come here with...
thanks to you
and that dumb donkey of yours.
Yeah, don't worry. I got her
tied up in some alley. She
won't give us no more trouble.
Well, why didn't you just
stop her before she busted up
the whole place?
Because the guy taking
the picture said, "Take a
deep breath and hold it."
- Now how am I supposed to...
- Did you have to tell the man
we're the Apple Dumpling Gang?
- Apple Dumpling Gang!
- Well, you're the one who said
not to use our real names.
All right. From now on, just let me
do all the talking, okay?
Then we won't
get in these messes.
- Right. Okay, Theodore, uh, Pard.
- [Glass Breaking]
[All Shouting]
[Belches]
Why, you rotten...
Why, you filthy little...
[Grunts]
I don't tolerate hooligans
and rowdies.
And any cowboy...
who tries to hooraw this town...
will not live to regret it.
[Giggling]
Ladies.
[Boy]
Marshal Hitchcock, sir?
He's so handsome!
[Murmuring, Giggling]
- Who is that?
- Who's that?
Only Woolly Bill Hitchcock,
the fastest-shootin', toughest
marshal in the country.
You cross horns with him,
he'll track you to your grave.
What do you think?
Oh, we got nothin'
to worry about.
We're law-abidin'
citizens now.
Matter of fact,
first thing we're gonna do
is open a bank account.
Now, is that different
than openin' a safe?
- Come on.
- Probably.
Well, looks solid enough.
Couple of pilgrims
out front.
- Well, take what we got
and let's get out of here.
- In a minute.
I never made money
so fast in my life.
They're comin' in.
All right, don't get walleyed.
You'll smoke out Woolly Bill.
Close the door.
Come on!
[Man]
Help you gentlemen?
Yes. We'd like to make
one of them, uh...
deposits.
How much you want to donate...
deposit?
The whole kit
and caboodle: $230.
- That much, huh?
- And, uh...
we want
a "recipe" for that.
You're nobody's fool.
I can see that.
Any time you gentlemen want
your money back, you just...
bring in this slip, and it'll be
cheerfully refunded...
- with interest.
- [All Laughing]
We're on our way
now, Pard.
[Man] Come on, Wes. Let's get
that money transferred.
Howdy.
- Howdy.
- Our president. A real go-getter.
- Give me a hand, Wes.
- You grab those two.
[Grunting]
Pleasure doin' business
with you gentlemen.
[Amos]
Thank you.
Wh-Where are you going
with the money?
Don't like to keep
too much cash in one place.
Just not good business.
[Man]
I told you you was tryin'
to take too much.
These horses got
all they can carry.
Put the rest on that jackass
and let's get outta here.
You know somethin'?
They forgot to stamp the date on there.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'll get that.
[Woman]
Help! Help! Help!
They're robbin' the bank!
The bank's been robbed!
Oh, blow it out your ear,
sheep lover!
[Gunfire]
Look out!
[Screams]
[Screaming Continues]
Look what you've done!
What do you mean? If it hadn't
been for me, you'd have been
trampled by those horses.
A train would have been
preferable to you!
Now get off of me!
- Well, let me give you a hand.
- [Screams]
- Let me get your bags.
- No!
Doesn't anybody understand
what I'm trying to tell ya?
- The bank has been...
- Calm down, woman.
While you have been
wearing out your mirror,
the bank's been robbed.
They went thataway, stupid!
Amos, we have been taken.
They stole every red cent
in this bank, includin' ours.
I'm gonna go report this to that
Marshal What's-His-Name. Come on.
[Grunts]
- Marshal, you're just the man
we were looking for.
- Hold it right there.
- Yeah, b-but there were
two men in here, and they th...
- All right, now.
Just turn around,
remove your guns...
and drop them...
- Huh?
- Nice and easy.
Want to show him this?
I said drop them.
[Bullets Ricocheting]
Ooh! Ow!
Marshal, I'm sorry.
We didn't...
Well, I'll be dipped.
They got Woolly Bill.
They outgunned
Woolly Bill Hitchcock!
[Laughing]
- Let's get outta here.
- [Laughing Continues]
It's a sight for sore eyes!
[Laughing]
Boy, if anybody sees us
in these fancy duds,
we're goners for sure.
You know, I knowed
we never should have
throwed away our clothes.
It was good
for another three years.
Oh, here's your shirt.
Somebody throwed
noodles in it.
[Crowd Murmuring]
Well, how'd they
do it, Woolly?
- They must've snuck up behind ya.
- Let's get you over to Doc Sykes.
[Laughing]
I knew it would happen!
I just knew it!
They finally did it.
They got Woolly Bill!
- Two dudes did it. I saw it myself.
- Uh, did you hear that?
- Two dudes.
- Uh, probably from back East.
Woolly had the drop on 'em,
and they still outgunned him.
They's faster than...
They's faster than
scalded cats, them two.
And I ain't crazy neither.
I saw it myself.
Yeah, uh, you actually saw
these two guys, is that right?
Well, I got to get
over to The Clarion...
and give my eyewitness report.
[Grunts]
[Laughing]
They did it!
They did it!
[Laughing Continues]
You know, since we went
straight, we're in more trouble
than we ever was.
- Can't we go back
to terrorizing the West?
- We can't go anywhere, stupid.
We don't have money
for train fare...
and we can't ride
that dumb donkey of yours,
'cause you can't find her.
Come on. Get dressed.
[Crowd Gasping]
They call theirselves
the Apple Dumpling Gang.
- They what?
- Well, that's what
they said, Mr. Hitchcock.
The Apple Dumpling Gang.
They's the same two
that outgunned ya, Woolly.
[Hitchcock]
Yes, I see them.
I saw 'em myself,
right after they shot the guns
out of your hands.
Hard to believe,
ain't it?
Did you really have
the drop on 'em, Mr. Hitchcock?
He sure did. And that's the donkey
the others lit out with.
Why, the gang
must have split up.
Those are the two I want.
I'll keep this, if you don't mind.
Oh, of course, Mr. Hitchcock.
Glad to help...
anyway that I can.
- Our picture's never gonna get
in the history books now.
- Oh, yes it will.
We'll go down as numbers 16 and 17
shot by Marshal Woolly Bill Hitchcock.
- Let's get out of here.
- Huh?
[Theodore]
You know, Amos...
we pulled a real slick one
on that Mr. Hitchcock feller.
He's gonna be ridin' all over
the country lookin' for
two dudes with checkered vests...
not a couple
ofhard cases like us.
I'd say
we got it pretty soft.
Even be better
if we had something to eat.
Don't worry about that
right now.
We just lay low
in this old barn till dark...
then we just slip out of town
and mosey off to other parts.
Ain't no way we're gonna be
tied up with that bank robbery.
[Braying]
- [Theodore]
Clarise?
- Clarise!
Now, wait.
Don't be mean to her.
That's our way
out of town.
Listen, people seen her
hightail it out with that bank money.
Now she comes follerin'you
around like a hungry pup.
It ain't gonna take Woolly Bill
long to put two and two together.
- Who's the other two?
- You and me and two ropes, that's who.
We gotta get rid of your mule
and ditch that bank money.
- I thought you said
we was goin' straight.
- Hush up. Let me think.
- Hey, Pard.
- Huh?
Is this how
you make a capital T?
What are you doin'?
- What's the capital T for?
- Theodore.
Don't put my name on it,
ya strawhead.
Just say, "Here's your money back,
and we're sorry we caused you
any inconvenience."
All right. Okay, that's, uh,
in... uh, incon...
Inconve... Inconven...
Uh, could I just say,
"No hard feelings"?
- Just forget that for now
and help me with this. Come on.
- Right.
[Grunting]
- You sure this is gonna work?
- You bet it's gonna work.
I got this figured out
real scientific-like.
Now, when I count to three,
we drop the bags, they swing
right through the bank door...
and Woolly Bill's got
his money back.
- That's as easy as fallin' off a log.
- Don't say that.
You ready?
One, two...
- Oh, I forgot the note.
- Three-ee-ee.
- [Theodore Screaming]
- Where ya goin'?
[Screaming Continues]
[Belches]
- [Screaming]
- I'll get ya. I got... Hey!
- [Screaming]
- Watch the window!
[Screaming]
- Give me your hand.
Give me your other hand.
- Hold me!
- Come on.
- Hold me, Amos, hold me.
Whoa!
[Groaning]
- [Man] Looks like his neck.
- [Man #2] Hey, Marshal,
let me help you here.
Don't touch me.
[Groaning]
He looks like
he's plumb hurt.
- [Muttering]
- Better get a doctor.
- [Grunting]
- I gotcha.
He got the money back,
just like you said he would.
- Yeah. Let's get out of here.
- Huh? Yeah.
- We're with you, Woolly.
- [Groaning]
[Grunts]
Thank you.
Yes, sir. We gotta
believe in this man.
- Get back.
- I don't see Clarise nowhere.
Will you forget about
that donkey?
We gotta put some distance
between us and this town...
or it's gonna be
our permanent residence.
And I mean permanent.
Follow me.
[Crowd Murmuring]
[Woman]
I just hope he doesn't go
into one ofhis long speeches.
Here's your rifle,
Mr. Hitchcock.
He's some kind
of lawman, ain't he?
[Man]
He's the man. He's the man
that's gonna get 'em.
You can do it.
- Will you kindly assist me?
- Gladly.
[Crowd Murmuring]
[Groaning]
All right.
Easy does it.
- Watch your step.
- [Groaning]
[Man]
Just look at him.
- That's a fine figure of a man.
- Here, here.
Because those two cringin'...
pusillanimous polecats...
returned some money...
they shall not escape
my vengeance.
Be assured, good citizens
ofJunction City...
I will not rest until...
the Apple Dumpling Gang...
is completely destroyed...
and removed from society.
- [Cheering]
- May I have my trusty steed,
young man...
if you don't mind?
Thank you.
That will do just fine, I believe.
Here we go.
[Groans]
[Man]
Watch out, there. Stand back.
[Man #2]
Give him some room.
That's it. Listen, listen.
I shall have
their carcasses...
back in this town
in two weeks.
- Two weeks.
- [Crowd Applauding]
You can come out now,
Miss Gaskill.
- Are you quite ready now?
- Oh, yes, ma'am. That was
the last case of champagne.
It's about time. I'll have
you know I'm not in the habit
of bein' kept waitin', Private.
- Well, after all,
it is for your party.
- Especially in this condition.
And furthermore,
in the future, Private...
I will expect an officer
to accompany me,
and not an enlisted man.
And you can rest assured...
[Dialogue Fades]
For heaven's sake!
[Groaning]
Are you certain
you're takin'the right road?
I've ridden all over, and
I've never experienced anything
that compares with this.
[Groaning Continues]
Oh, is this the first time
you've traveled this road?
Why, you rarely miss a rut.
Well, just shift in the saddle,
so to speak. It only hurts half as bad.
As soon as we get to Fort Concho,
my father's gonna hear all about this.
Well, if this comes
to a court-martial...
they might demand to see evidence
of your complaint.
You forget
your place, soldier.
- Giddyup, now. Ho!
- Merciful heavens.
Believe me, I fully intend
to give a detailed account
of your incompetence and your...
Uh-huh. Yes.
Appears we're on
the same trail, my dear.
With your permission...
I'll just let you
lead the way, hmm?
Whoa, now. Whoa.
And here we are.
Allow me.
- Millie!
- Oh, Dad!
- What's all this?
- You all right, darlin'?
- Daddy, you wouldn't believe
what I've been through.
- What happened, Millie?
- Oh, Jim...
- Well, come on in
and tell me all about it.
I'll be right with you, Millie.
I'll just get the bags.
Sergeant Slaughter?
- Yes, sir.
- Come here.
[Both Snoring]
- What is that?
- I don't know, sir.
Where did
they come from, Reid?
I have no idea, Sergeant.
- Well, get 'em out of there.
On their feet.
- Yes, sir.
We're moving.
We're moving.
Now, who in blazes are you,
and how did you get
in an army conveyance?
Don't answer that.
I'll do all the talking here, Amos.
And besides,
who wants to know?
I want to know!
You obviously don't know
who you're talking to, Little Boy Blue.
I like that.
Where is your horn, Little Boy Blue?
[Chuckles]
- Get some coffee in them, Sergeant.
- Yes, sir.
At ease.
Now, gentlemen, come
with me to the orderly room...
and I'll explain the benefits
of military life to you.
Free food, outdoor activity
in the fresh air...
the camaraderie
of soldiering...
and that great feeling
of belonging.
Now, gentlemen, come with me
and I'll help you...
with the little details
of joining our group.
Now you're talkin',
soldier boy.
After that, we'll take care
of another little detail.
[Jim]
Hey, you, trapper...
what do you got here?
I found him up there
just this side of timberline.
Just like this.
It's Flint and Quinn, sir.
Yeah, I been hearin' that...
military is payin' thirty dollars a head
for deserters, dead or alive...
- so I put in for...
- Thanks for bringing them in...
but that's all you get.
These two
were killed on duty.
- Take care of them, Corporal,
and bring those arrows to me.
- Yes, sir.
Just thanks?
That's all I get?
By gollies, l-l-I fetched them
a long ways.
Seems like you oughta... do...
somethin' for somebody.
Gets so you can't hardly...
trust nobody no more.
Come on, boy. Let's go.
And you're certain
they're Shoshone.
Well, it could be Paiute, sir,
but they're not usually this far west.
Then why can't we find
any sign of them?
Where did they get to?
- What was in the wagon?
- Blankets, rifles, sidearms.
Well, that'll be
sold to renegades.
- Put 'em with the other evidence.
- Yes, sir.
Jim.
I don't know what
I'm gonna tell Washington.
Uh, yes, sir.
[Horse Whinnies]
Halt. Who's there?
Identify.
Halt!
Corporal of the guard!
Corporal of the guard!
We got a deserter!
Check back there.
Secure the gates!
Who is it?
I don't know, sir.
- Check the stables
and sound assembly immediately.
- Yes, sir.
There he is!
What are you doing
with these?
When you've been
bucked and gagged
for a few days...
you'll feel more
communicative, soldier.
Put him in the guardhouse.
Double the guard.
Company ready
for inspection, Corporal?
- Ready for inspection, Sergeant.
- I'll conduct the inspection.
[Snoring]
- Is this company ready
for inspection, Corporal?
- Sorry, Sergeant.
[Snoring Continues]
Did 'ems have
a nice nap?
Because we don't want
our new recruits to be
cranky all day, do we?
- No, sir.
- When the corporal ordered
inspection arms...
he meant everybody.
Everybody!
Yes, sir. Yes, uh...
Oh, uh...
I'll just...
The order was for
inspection of arms, soldier!
- Ooh!
- Sergeant!
Get... Get back in ranks!
Corporal, put these men
on a trash detail for one month.
Now you listen to me.
For the next ten years, you are mine.
Do you understand?
Mine!
And I'm going to make
soldiers out of you if I have
to kill you in the process.
Corporal, take over.
I didn't have
a very good night's sleep.
For talking in ranks,
one month on the wood detail!
He didn't know
about that rule, sir.
One month on the stable detail
for both of you!
And report to me
after this formation.
- Actually, it was his fault.
- And one month on kitchen
police in the officers' mess!
[Violins]
You outdid yourself,
Ravencroft.
Yes, it's going to be quite
an evening, isn't it? I want
everything to go perfectly.
You do plan to announce
your engagement this evening.
- I certainly do. I only hope
that everything goes...
- Oh, there she is now.
Excuse me.
[Man]
You two.
[Knocking]
You two.
Give me a hand?
Take this in there,
put it in the center of the table...
and be careful.
Careful! Don't wiggle.
Don't spill it!
Be careful, you guys.
[Banjo]
Cake.
You're spilling it.
[Braying]
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
Just officers and their friends.
I am an officer.
I'm a peace officer, and I'm looking
for the Apple Dumpling Gang.
- And there they are.
- [Braying]
Hands up.
[Growling]
- How'd he ever find us here?
- Your mule, that's how.
Restrain that man!
[Gaskill]
Hold him, Corporal.
We're never gonna make
corporal now.
We ain't even
gonna make roll call.
I tracked 'em!
They're mine! Mine!
Get the fire brigade!
- [Men Shouting]
- Let's get out of here.
[Screaming]
Ooh!
What's going on here?
Oh, I might have known it.
Get some water
and put out this fire!
- Over there!
- Water! Water. Oh.
[Shouting Continues]
[Bell Ringing]
You two!
Get the powder out of that shed
before the magazine goes up!
Corporal, get a bucket brigade started.
Fast.
Fire brigade, let's go!
Move it!
- Where are we supposed to put this?
- The man said get it out.
Hey, can you see
what's burnin'?
I, uh, can't see...
but, uh, it sounds like
the whole fort's stirred up.
Yeah, well I'm gonna see
what's happenin'.
Come on!
Get the water up there!
Come on.
Get those buckets in.
[Slaughter]
Come on, come on. Hurry.
[Slaughter]
Keep 'em comin'.
Pardon me.
Gimme that bucket.
[Screaming]
Get him outta there.
Get dirt on that fire!
Keep them buckets movin', movin',
or we're gonna lose the mess hall!
Get the civilians
out of the fort.
Open the gates!
Amos!
- There's no water over here!
- There's plenty over here, Theodore.
L-I could do that.
[Slaughter] Corporal, never mind that.
Bring your squad over here!
Hurry, hurry.
- [Theodore] Amos!
- Huh? Don't worry, I got her.
Amos!
Clear the area!
Get out of here!
Come on!
[Hitchcock Screaming]
[Maniacal Laughter]
Come on, Amos!
Come back, boys.
[Laughing]
Come here, boys.
[Gaskill]
Careful! Careful out there!
[Slaughter]
Come on, come on. Move it!
Hey, hey!
Get me out of here!
Get me out ofhere!
- Come on, hurry up!
- All right, all right.
Okay, soldier,
grab a bucket.
- Yes, sir.
- Follow me. We need all
the help we can get.
Yes, sir.
Jim, get Millie out of the
compound. This whole fort's
gonna go. Stay with her!
Hyah, hyah!
Hyah! Move 'em!
Hyah!
[Millie Screaming]
Hyah! Hyah!
[Shouting Continues]
Theodore?
Theodore.
Better get that punch bowl
back on the table.
That cook's gonna get mad.
[Bugle]
With your permission,
I'd like to take out a squad
to look for Millie.
I'm sure Private Reid
took her hostage.
We have four patrols out
already, Lieutenant...
and we are presently reduced
to a skeletal force...
that couldn't defend
these shambles against a stiff breeze!
Through the years,
this proud fort...
Fort Concho, has withstood
seven Indian assaults...
four sieges, plague...
drought, the blizzard of'68...
and an outbreak
of acute dysentery.
- We weathered them all, Lieutenant...
- Yes, sir.
Never once
dipping our colors.
Then, in less than
four hours...
two of our own men...
those two...
brought Fort Concho
to its knees.
Even if I could explain
to Washington what happened...
they'd never understand.
I know those people
back there.
Yes, sir. Um, why don't you try
to lie down, Major?
Because my quarters
are destroyed!
I have no bed
to lie on.
Corporal, tell these two men...
that they're gonna
hang there in the sun
for the next three days...
with just enough water
to keep them barely alive!
Then they're gonna be
cut down, and they're gonna
rebuild this fort...
piece by piece,
log by log...
even if it takes
the rest of their lives!
You two men are gonna
hang there in the sun
for three days...
I think
we heard him, Corporal.
[Groaning]
Say, Theodore, how long
you think it's gonna take us
to rebuild this fort?
Well...
[Growling]
I don't think we're gonna have
to worry about that.
- Mornin', Mr. Hitchcock.
- We was just hopin' we'd
run into you, Mr. Hitchcock.
It-It's about that, uh...
you know, back there
in Junction City...
For bank robbery...
[Neck Muscles Crack, Groans]
For destruction
of private property...
for creating
a public nuisance...
for interference with an officer
in the performance of his duty...
for illegal flight
to avoid prosecution...
I didn't know we did all those
things. You, Theodore?
And miscellaneous
misdemeanors...
I am going to put you
out of your misery...
and take you back
toJunction City...
draped over the back
of your own mule.
Don't we get to stand trial?
You forfeited the right
to your trial...
when you made me follow your jackass
all over the countryside.
Mr. Hitchcock has a point there,
Theodore. We did put this man
through an awful lot of trouble.
Will you just shut up.
Now, we got a fort to build
here, Mr. Hitchcock. But just
as soon as we're finished here...
we'll meet you back at
Junction City, and then you can
put us out of our misery then.
Save your breath.
You are both going to be
shot between the eyes.
I won't make it
any easier on you...
but I will make it...
somewhat of a challenge
for myself.
You oughta get some butter
on those hands.
[Grunting]
[Gun Firing]
- Hold it. Hold it.
- Let me go! Let me go!
You're interfering with a police officer
in the performance of his duty!
They're not gonna get off
that easy.
They're mine for the next
ten years. Do you hear me?
Mine! Mine!
Corporal of the guard!
[Millie]
But why did you kidnap me?
[Reid] Darlin', you were just in the
wrong place at the wrong time.
It was not for your company,
I assure you.
Do you think you can elude
the entire garrison?
I am gonna try.
You do seem awfully familiar
with the back trails around here.
Most of'em.
I have to be.
You're involved with
these military thefts, aren't you?
That should be
pretty obvious by now.
You'll be shot
when they catch ya.
Well, that's the chance you take
in this business. Giddyup!
Hello, in the cabin.
Hello!
Whoa.
Hello, Jeff.
Howdy, Martha.
Excuse me.
- Allow me.
- I can get down myself, thank you.
Who's that
with you, Jeff?
Miss Gaskill, I'd like you
to meet an old friend of mine,
Mrs. Martha Austin.
Well, I'm not his friend.
I'm his prisoner, and I plead to
you as another woman to help me.
Lot of women wouldn't be
all that upset over your
predicament. Come on in.
Leave the flowers, Jeff.
There's more.
How 'bout you,
Miss Gaskill?
No, thank you.
I'm thoroughly exhausted.
- I'd like to lay down if I may.
- Of course.
Just as soon as you finish the dishes,
Miss Gaskill.
You want to wash or dry?
And in the morning...
we'll see about rebuilding
that woodpile, Martha.
Excuse me.
Now, how much more
of this do we have to stack?
Well, Miss Gaskill,
you're just gettin' off
to a good start.
Uh, Miss Gaskill,
let me, uh...
Let me save you
some steps there.
Here ya go.
Put your arms out. Good.
Hold on, hold on.
- What do you mean, "Hold on"?
- Here we go.
- That's enough.
- Just one more. One more. There we go.
There. Lieutenant Ravencroft
would be very proud of you.
Oh, I swear, when they find us,
you're gonna get what's comin' to you.
Well, in that case, we better
hurry up and get this wood
chopped. Come on. Off you go.
- I can't!
- Whoa!
- Are you all right, Millie?
- Would you get your hands off me?
It seems that I'm all that's between you
and a very nasty fall...
- and you should be thankin' me.
- Please?
Well, I didn't know that army brats
knew that word.
[Screams]
There you go.
[Major]
Prisoners, front and center, ho!
A court-martial has
found you guilty of...
more charges than I care
to enumerate at this time...
- but enough to commit you
to Bridger Military Prison...
- Oh, they're mine.
All mine. Oh, yes, you see,
I caught them, and so, they're mine.
There's nothing to worry about.
I have everything
under complete control.
They're mine! Mine, all mine!
[Screams]
[Screaming Continues]
Whatever's fair.
We don't want to cause any trouble.
To Bridger Military Prison, where you
will remain at hard labor for 30 years.
I regret that is the maximum
penalty the law allows.
I want to add...
that I am being relieved
of my position here.
Two weeks from today,
Lt. Ravencroft will be promoted...
and will assume
command of the post.
- Congratulations, sir.
- Mmm-mmm.
I can say
without reservation...
that I have...
you to thank for it!
Sergeant, Corporal.
[Horse Neighing]
- Take them away.
- [Soldier] Move.
[Hitchcock Laughing Maniacally]
I'll be waiting for you!
If it takes a hundred years,
I'll get you!
I'm going to get you!
[Crazed Laughing]
- Move 'em out!
- [Soldier] Detail, move.
[Hitchcock's Laughter Continues]
My, how you manage
by yourself I'll never know.
Don't you get lonesome
way out here?
The Norwoods live
upstream a ways.
They look in on me
once in awhile.
But I don't miss anything.
I've lived my life,
and it's been a good one.
Martha, where did you
ever meet Private Reid?
Jeff? I didn't even know
he was in the army.
I just know he's a good man.
A good man! Why...
Why, he's an arrogant scoundrel
and a disgrace to his country!
Oh, I don't know. I do know he has
a much higher opinion of you.
Oh, really.
He loves you.
Loves?
Loves me?
Oh, now whatever
gave you that idea?
I can hear it every time
he speaks to you.
Every time he says,
"Miss Gaskill."
It's filled with love.
You're a lucky girl.
[Horse Approaching]
- Captain Phillips.
- [Phillips] Lieutenant.
- Seen any patrols?
- No, sir.
Not a sign.
Good to see you.
[Chuckles]
I got something for ya.
Colonel Stevenson,
who hopes you're well.
And that I've got something
definite to report on these
army supply thefts, I'm sure.
Well, there was some mention
of that, yes.
You know, I haven't got
one solid clue yet, Lieutenant...
but all indications are that the answer
is somewhere inside Fort Concho.
Right now I need some more help
from you and Colonel Stevenson.
First thing, I'd like to get
some new I.D. Papers...
a little bit more cash...
Oh, hi, Martha.
It's me.
- She's gone.
- What do you mean? Where is she?
I didn't think she'd have the salt
to try it on her own, but she did.
- Martha, she...
- She'll be all right, Jeff.
If she sticks to the stream,
she'll come upon the Norwood place.
They'll give her a hand
back to the fort.
[Sighs]
And Lt. Ravencroft?
I'm sorry, Jeff.
I truly am.
Hey, they're here.
They sure ain't taking
any chances with them guys.
Wonder how fast they really are.
I don't want to be the one to find out.
Everybody sure has been
nice to us, Theodore.
The guy who gave us these
uniforms, wanted to make sure
they fit. Even called us "sir."
That's because they think
we're the fastest guns in the West.
- Well, we did get Woolly Bill.
- On the first bounce.
If it ever gets out what
really happened in that bank,
we won't last a week in here.
- What are you gonna do?
- First, we gotta find out who's
really running things here.
- Once we back him down,
we got no more problems. You got me?
- Right.
[Unlocking Door]
[Prisoners Chattering]
Psst.
Remember who we're
supposed to be.
- [Shuddering]
- All right.
Who's the number one
cock-a-doodle-doo around here?
- W-What?
- "What?"
[Grunts]
- Now, who is he?
- It's-It's Mac! It's Mac!
- Mac who?
- Uh, I don't know.
They just call him "Big Mac."
Where is this
Big Mac?
I don't know.
[Panting]
Not many of these fellas
have ever seen him.
Big Mac don't,
don't never come out here
in the yard, n-never.
Well, you get word
to this, uh, Big Mac...
that the Apple Dumpling Gang
wants to see him.
Okay?
Uh-h-h,
Apple Dumpling Gang.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
[Straining]
- Move out.
- Y-Yes, sir.
- Move it!
- [Gasps] Yes, sir!
[Man]
One, two, three. Heave!
[Bugle]
Sometimes I wished we'd left
Marshal Hitchcock to his own devices.
- How's he doing?
- He's been released from the infirmary.
Not all together cured,
I'd say, but better.
About the robberies, Jim,
I hate to pass on unfinished business...
but I did everything
I knew how.
You did everything
humanly possible.
But it wasn't enough.
They stole another cavy
of horses just two days ago.
- I'm beginning to think
these raids are done by ghosts.
- It's uncanny, sir.
Well, it's off
my shoulders now.
Daddy, it's unfair.
Nothing is fair
in this world, Millie.
I'm sorry about your wedding plans,
but you could hardly stay here
under these conditions.
Now you know I'll be all right.
You don't have to worry about me.
We'll be married just as soon
as I take my leave, sir.
Hey, Theodore, when we get
out of here in 30 years,
are we gonna go straight again?
I'll think about that
when the time comes.
Listen, did that guard
say to go left or right
when we passed them boilers?
He said to go right.
This is a strange place
for a shipping room.
I don't think we're supposed
to be down here. We must've
made a wrong turn somewhere.
Uh, where...
- [Gasping]
- Uh, Theodore?
- Theodore, what did you do?
- [Men Chattering]
- Shh.
- [Man] It'll be a week
or so till we get the cash.
- We'll make the split then.
- You did a goodjob. No witnesses.
- That's the way I want it.
- [Whispers] Amos.
You boys have had it
pretty easy up till now.
But I wanna tell you,
holdin'up a train isn't easy
as them wagons.
There'll be plenty of guards
around that payroll.
We'll take care
of the guards.
Reno, you're in charge.
Blainey, go along with him, make
sure there ain't no mistakes.
Now I'll be waiting in the meadow
at the Cuddy Grade.
You work your way up
to the baggage cart,
throw the money out there.
Stay on the train till you
get to Oakdale, then get off.
If everything goes well,
I figure we should be able to
meet back here in 45 minutes.
An hour, at the outside.
$50,000 an hour.
That's pretty good pay.
[Gasps]
Uh, could you direct us to the
Bridger Military Prison, please?
Who the blazes are you?
Ya ever hear of the
Apple Dumpling Gang, punk?
Why didn't you say so?
I hear you wanna see me.
Maybe we do, maybe we don't.
Whose little boy are you?
[Chuckling]
I'm Mac.
Mac who, fuzzy face?
That Mac.
Probably wants to talk to you.
Uh, we just wanted
to say howdy.
Howdy.
How long were you there
and what'd you hear?
Oh, nothing.
We just got here, Mr. Mac.
We didn't hear nothing
about any train robbery, did we?
No, no. Didn't hear nothing
about the money either.
- Boys.
- Wait a minute.
Mac, we can use a couple
of extra guns on this job.
Yeah, I hear you boys
are pretty handy with the iron.
That's right. Pound for pound,
we're the best in the West.
[Big Mac]
Well, good.
Yes. [Chuckling] Well, here.
We'll give you a chance to prove it.
[Chuckling]
Well, now that's
what I call shootin'.
Maybe we can
use you boys.
Uh, are you gentlemen
prisoners here?
When we feel like it.
It ain't all that surprisin'
when you know the story.
See, Bridger here
was built by army prisoners.
When they was digging the foundation,
they found these caverns.
[Chuckling]
A few of the boys just
kept it under their hat.
Figured they'd use it later
to bust out.
[Chuckles]
But it turned out to be
the perfect hideout.
Now, where's the last place the
law would look for a person that
was robbin' a supply wagon?
Why, that's a toughie.
Now, where is the last place...
- Prison.
- Huh?
You got a head
on you, boy.
Just barely.
So we figured why bust out
and be on the dodge
the rest of our lives.
Stay in prison and run the whole
operation from here. Live like kings.
Come and go when we want.
Feel the need for a little relaxation,
a little female companionship...
we just ride into town.
Makes life in prison
very comfortable.
Does Warden Waddell
know about this?
No! Nobody does,
but the seven of us.
Well, nine of us now
and the outside man.
- Who's that?
- You'll meet him when the time comes.
The outside man lets us know
when there's a wagon...
or a shipment coming through
with somethin' worthwhile on it.
He gets a cut
for his trouble.
You'll get yours too
if you handle yourselves
all right.
We'll be watching ya.
[Chuckles]
We'll slip into town
one or two at a time.
- You two know where your spot is?
- The Variety Saloon.
I want everyone
in place at 12:00 sharp.
And you better be there.
12:00 sharp.
Don't worry.
Giddap!
Come on!
You know, Theodore.
Robbin' army payroll
ain't exactly goin' straight.
We ain't robbed no payroll yet, Amos,
and we ain't goin' to.
I'm thinkin' on a plan.
Better come up with it by noon.
If you don't have it by noon...
Wait for me.
All we gotta do
is have the sheriff in this town...
Iock us up
under protective custody.
Then we just lay back and let him
handle the rest. We'll be heroes.
If you're looking for Sheriff Vaughn,
he's over at the Widow Bradshaw's.
Seems a fox has been gettin'
into her chicken house again.
Hmm! Usually takes the sheriff
about a week to settle the matter.
- A week?
- Yeah, we can't... A week?
We can't wait a week.
I mean, already the little hand's
on 12, big hand's on 11.
You need a lawman, the federal marshal's
down at the Variety's.
- Let's go! Come on!
- Hey, Theodore.
Are we in more trouble here
or back in Junction City?
When you're in this much trouble,
it can't get worse.
[Clears Throat] Howdy.
Uh, we're lookin' for the marshal.
We've got a marshal here, of sorts.
But I don't know as he can handle
your complaint though.
- I'm sure he can.
- Oh, sure he can. Where is he?
Right over there.
- [Groaning]
- It's the famous Marshal
Woolly Bill Hitchcock.
He's just a shell of a man he was
before the Apple Dumpling Gang
got away from him.
- Shall I wake him up?
- [Both] Uh, no, no.
- Let him sleep. We're just leaving.
- Thank you very much.
- Where's the backdoor?
- In the back.
Amos!
[Screams]
It's noon.
Whiskey.
Where's the two
new gunslingers?
They'll be here.
They better.
Where we goin'?
I can't see.
I don't know.
Just act nonchalant.
- Hey, look, a couple of girls.
- [Men Whistling]
[Both Stammering]
[Man] Come down here, girls.
Let's dance!
- Remember them?
- The bank robbers?
- [Man] Play a tune, Charlie.
Maybe they'll dance.
- Big Mac.
[Piano, Cancan]
Woolly Bill.
- They're all here.
- Hey, come on!
- What are we gonna do?
- We're gonna dance. Come on.
[Men Cheering, Whooping]
- How long do we have to
keep this up, Theodore?
- I don't know.
- Come on. Let's dance.
- [Gasps]
Hey, play something
we can dance to.
[Moans]
Whoops.
["My Darling Clementine"]
Come on, honey.
Don't play hard to get.
- You're for me. I like mine
with a little meat on 'em.
- [Mock Laughter]
Ain't we seen you two gals
somewhere before?
- [Falsetto Voice]
We do get around.
- Ah.
Been a long time since I had
my arms around a little hug
and squeeze like you.
[Falsetto Voice]
I bet you say that to all the girls.
- [Mock Laughter]
- [Man Laughing]
Nah.
We gotta get out of here
or we're in big trouble.
Oh, I don't know.
Mine's a pretty good dancer.
It's gettin' late.
Yeah.
We better get out of here.
If I ever get my hands
on those two, I'll kill 'em.
You know, I can't get over the feelin'
that I've seen you somewheres afore.
Oh, I'm just another pretty face.
[Chuckles]
Listen, gorgeous.
Why don't we get out of here?
- I'd sure like to get to know
you a little bit better.
- [Mock Laughter]
[Coughing]
[Braying]
Hey, Teresa.
Look, it's Clarise.
- [Gasps]
- Uh, Teresa, Clarise is back.
- Let's get out ofhere!
- [Grunts]
Thanks for the dance, honey.
- Come on!
- Come on, Clarise.
- Theodore!
- [Moaning]
[Gasps]
[Chuckles]
[Theodore]
Amos. Amos.
[Screaming]
- You okay, Theodore?
- You bet, Pard. Thanks.
Get me down!
Get me down from here.
Let's get outta here!
- Wait a minute, Theodore.
Where's Clarise?
- Amos, forget about her!
- Clarise!
- Amos, come on!
Come on, Clarise.
Amos! Come on, Amos!
Come on!
Come on!
Come on, you two!
Excuse me.
Is this seat taken?
Well, I still feel funny
about Clarise, Theodore.
Will you forget about that!
A deal's a deal.
At least we're puttin' some miles
between us and Big Mac.
You got a point there. I guess we can
kind of relax and just sit...
- [Gasps] Hey! Isn't that, uh...
- [Gasps]
That's Reno and Blainey
and the whole bunch of'em.
They're comin'right at us.
Duck!
- Let's get on board.
- Now, move it, you guys.
We ain't got much time.
[Conductor]
All aboard!
They're comin' in here.
- Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
- That army payroll.
- It's on this train!
- Let's get outta here!
- [Train Starts Moving]
- [Both Scream]
[Grunts]
[Gasps]
You!
We can't go on meeting
like this, Miss Gaskill.
Or is it Mrs. Ravencroft?
Well, there's been
a slight delay in our plans.
Wonderful.
- What are you doin'?
- Just something I've wanted
to do for a long time.
My, if you would've put
the same amount of effort
into somethin' worthwhile, why...
Get back to your seat
and stay there.
Who are you to be telling me
what to do?
I am Captain Jeff Phillips
of Army Intelligence...
and I'm on special duty here
trying to find out who's behind these...
- military supply robberies
at your father's fort.
- Captain?
We'll have time
to talk about it later.
There's a large
army payroll on this train.
I have reason to believe
they're gonna try and get it.
- I don't want you shot
before we get married.
- Married?
Now get in there
and stay put.
[Sighs]
[Man]
Over here, Mac.
It's, uh, not that
I don't trust you, Mac.
But since it's cash this time,
notjust supplies...
I thought it'd be easier if wejust
divvied it up here, right at the scene.
- Your boys know this spot?
- Don't worry about them.
They're all good at theirjobs.
Well, they oughta be.
I pay 'em enough.
Well, if that train left on time, oughta
be here in less than five minutes.
I'll be glad when that money's
off this train.
If we just keep movin'
and stay buttoned up,
everything'd be all right.
[Train Whistle Blowing]
And the cap.
[Grunts]
[Screaming]
- Thank you. Tickets, please.
- What was that, Theodore?
I don't know.
And it's Running Bear, not Theodore.
- Yeah, but, Theo...
- How many times do I have
to keep telling you?
I'm Running Bear
and you're Standing Elk.
Now, hush up!
[Blainey]
I saidjump!
[Screams]
Uh, Running Bear...
Standing Elk just saw
Screaming Eagle
and Flying Corporal.
[Chuckles]
It was just, uh...
There's not much time.
Unlock that door.
[Grunting]
[Whooping]
[Man]
It's Indians!
- [Gunshots]
- [Passengers Chattering]
I wonder what they want.
Hey. Aah! Theo.
- What's goin' on out there?
- [Whooping Continues]
Indians. The Indians
have been peaceful for years.
- I wonder what stirred them up?
- I don't know.
But I don't like it.
Let's get outta here.
- [Man Speaking In Native Dialect]
- Oooh.
- [Passengers Shouting, Screaming]
- Get down!
Check the women!
I think those two
are lookin' for us.
Yeah, but, uh...
I think I'd rather rob a train.
[Gunshots Continue]
Hi, Reno. It-It's us.
Do ya need any help?
Where you two been?
Get in here!
- I knew you had enough help...
- Come here.
[Speaking In Native Dialect]
[Screams]
[All Grunting]
[Whooping Continues]
[Amos]
Oh, boy, look at that.
I thought you people
just wanted guns and beads.
There's nothin' in there
but bills. Show him, Reno.
Yeah.
No want paper.
Want them.
- [Gasps]
- White man trade donkey with
my squaw for two blankets.
Then donkey run away.
Dirty white man trick.
Squaw want blankets back.
You got 'em, chief.
- Give me these!
- I, uh...
[Laughing]
[Stammering]
Come on, Mac!
Get on with it!
All right, everybody got what
they want? Now we can all
get down to business.
Not quite. I haven't got
what I came for.
Millie. Private Reid.
It's Captain Phillips, Lieutenant,
U.S. Army Intelligence.
You and your sidekicks
are all under arrest.
- Get the bags.
- So if you'll kindly dismount,
very slowly, please...
drop your arms,
you can all ride...
Amos, what are you doing?
- I'm trying...
- Will you please hurry and help...
[Screaming, Grunts]
[Reid] Hey! Who is that?
What's goin'on there? Hey!
- Who is that down there?
- Oh, Amos and Theodore, Captain.
Remember us,
from the fort?
Yes, good work down there,
soldier... uh, uh, men... uh, good work.
- Phillips, you can't arrest me.
- Oh, yes, I most certainly can.
- You don't have anything on me.
- We'll see about that, Lieutenant.
Your entire operation
will be closely examined
at your general court-martial.
And in the meantime,
you and your sidekicks here...
can ride back in the baggage cart,
if you don't mind, sir.
Right there.
Right there, right there.
Right, right.
Right there. There.
Well, move it.
[Chuckles]
All right, come on,
come on, come on.
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
"It was a distinctive gold coin...
spent at the Variety Saloon
that led to the capture and..."
- What's that?
- "Incarceration."
- That means to "cart 'em back there."
- Right.
"...incarceration
of the real bank robbers,
Wes Hardin and Frank Starrett.
"Mr. Hitchcock,
in a statement to The Clarion...
"said he knew all along
the Apple Dumpling Gang
was not guilty...
but he wanted the real robbers,
Hardin and Starrett,
to relax their v-v-v..."
- What's that?
- "Vigilance."
- It means to "rest their horses."
- Oh.
Kids'll be surprised we got
an honorable discharge from the Army.
- Yeah. [Chuckles]
- When do you think we'll be home?
- A day and a half.
- That'll be Tuesday.
Boy, I hope there's some
of that leftover pot roast.
I bet Mr. Donovan and Dusty'll
be real surprised to see us.
Yep. I'll bet that place is
a rack and ruin since we been gone.
Sound fire alarm!
Open the gates!
[Men Shouting]
Fire alarm! Fire alarm!
[Man]
On the double! Move it!
[Man]
Move it, soldiers! Fire, fire!
It's Shoshone again, sir.
- And our wagon.
- Yes, sir.
Private Higgins and Corporal Albright
took it to the supply depot last week.
This belonged
to Corporal Albright.
Must have hit them coming out
of Sam Young Canyon.
Stripped it and put the torch to it.
- Take care of the mounts, Corporal.
- Yes, sir.
Lieutenant Ravencroft,
in the last three months,
the army has lost...
over 40 cases
of Springfield carbines.
Twice that amount
of army issue handguns,
saddles, blankets and rations.
Enough to supply
two forts this size.
And all those thefts
occurred in territory under
the protection of this fort.
I realize that, sir.
I want you to mount
another patrol, Lieutenant.
Take as many men as you need,
the best scouts we have...
and find out what happened
to those supplies!
- Yes, sir.
- Jim...
I'm running out of explanations
to Washington.
If these raids don't stop...
it could mean...
my command here.
I understand, sir.
I'll leave immediately.
Boy, I sure miss Dusty, Donovan,
and the kids...
and that old dinner bell
ringing on the farm.
Now don't start again, Amos.
Is that how you want to
go down in the history books?
"After terrorizing the West,
they ended up as farmers...
milkin' cows
and collectin' eggs."
- Is that what you want?
- Well, no, not exactly, but...
boy, Dusty sure could make
those biscuits and honey.
You just stick with me.
I tell ya, Amos, people are gettin' rich
in these boom towns...
and there's no reason why a couple
of smart hombres like us...
- can't double or even triple
our stake overnight.
- Double?
We got $300.43 now.
If we double that tonight,
then we triple that
tomorrow night, that'd be, uh...
- that'd be... carry the one...
- Kind of gets you
to thinkin', don't it?
- Six... no, four... three...
- First thing we gotta do is
get ourselves spiffied up.
- Then we'll take this town
like Grant took Richmond.
- That's right.
I get ya now.
How do you think we go about...
Howdy.
Say, um, how do you figure
going about that?
Well, uh, I'm still workin'
on the particulars.
I'll tell you one thing: We ain't gonna
dry gulch no one no more.
Yeah, and you ain't
gonna get us mixed up
in none of those bank robberies.
- Shh.
- Shh.
You want every punk gunslinger
this side of the Rio Grande
callin' us out?
You mean, make a rep
for himself, Theodore?
Don't even use
our real names.
We don't want no trouble
with the law neither.
We're goin' straight
from now on, Pard.
We're gonna live
by our wits.
Wits?
Whoa.
Whoa, now.
- Miss Gaskill?
- Yes.
Yes, ma'am,
I'm Private Reid.
I was assigned to escort you.
Were all the officers busy?
Well, you see,
there've been some problems
at the fort, ma'am...
and I guess they were needed
for more important duties.
It's a bit warmer
than I expected.
I'd best get some lighter clothing
before we leave.
You can take care of this
in the meantime...
and get my things
from the stage.
[Braying]
Well, what do you think, Clarise?
Huh? Yeah?
What's the matter?
Don't you recognize me? It's me.
- [Braying Continues]
- Oh, that. Uh, here. Take a whiff.
That's Eau deJasmine.
Direct from "Paree".
You wanna stop talkin'
to that donkey?
- It's embarrassing.
- Yeah, oh.
Say, uh, Theodore...
uh, Pard...
I was wonderin', before we take
this town, I wonder if we could
have our picture took?
Might not be a bad idea.
Might look good
in the history books.
- Come on.
- [Donkey Braying]
Can't talk to you anymore.
It's embarrassing.
[Photographer]
There.
Does this have to be
this tight?
Well, the purpose of a brace is
so that you'll stay absolutely still.
I thought I was gonna be
crouched down, like I'm
gettin' the drop on somebody.
- Will you just listen to the man, Amos?
- And stay still.
Stay absolutely still.
[People Chattering]
[Braying]
What was that?
- Just take the picture.
- All right, now both of you
take a deep breath...
- [Inhaling]
- And hold it.
One, two...
[Braying]
- Whoa!
- Don't let him near my equipment!
Amos, stop her!
Oh, my beautiful things!
Get me out of this!
Get me out of this!
You're going to pay for it.
I'll make you pay for it.
- You're making a shambles of my studio!
- Right. Gotta pay for this.
You're going to pay
for every cent of this,
or I'll have the law on you.
Oh, dear.
And bring back my headrests.
Theyjust came from St. Louis.
We only been
in this town three hours...
and already we got $70 less
than we come here with...
thanks to you
and that dumb donkey of yours.
Yeah, don't worry. I got her
tied up in some alley. She
won't give us no more trouble.
Well, why didn't you just
stop her before she busted up
the whole place?
Because the guy taking
the picture said, "Take a
deep breath and hold it."
- Now how am I supposed to...
- Did you have to tell the man
we're the Apple Dumpling Gang?
- Apple Dumpling Gang!
- Well, you're the one who said
not to use our real names.
All right. From now on, just let me
do all the talking, okay?
Then we won't
get in these messes.
- Right. Okay, Theodore, uh, Pard.
- [Glass Breaking]
[All Shouting]
[Belches]
Why, you rotten...
Why, you filthy little...
[Grunts]
I don't tolerate hooligans
and rowdies.
And any cowboy...
who tries to hooraw this town...
will not live to regret it.
[Giggling]
Ladies.
[Boy]
Marshal Hitchcock, sir?
He's so handsome!
[Murmuring, Giggling]
- Who is that?
- Who's that?
Only Woolly Bill Hitchcock,
the fastest-shootin', toughest
marshal in the country.
You cross horns with him,
he'll track you to your grave.
What do you think?
Oh, we got nothin'
to worry about.
We're law-abidin'
citizens now.
Matter of fact,
first thing we're gonna do
is open a bank account.
Now, is that different
than openin' a safe?
- Come on.
- Probably.
Well, looks solid enough.
Couple of pilgrims
out front.
- Well, take what we got
and let's get out of here.
- In a minute.
I never made money
so fast in my life.
They're comin' in.
All right, don't get walleyed.
You'll smoke out Woolly Bill.
Close the door.
Come on!
[Man]
Help you gentlemen?
Yes. We'd like to make
one of them, uh...
deposits.
How much you want to donate...
deposit?
The whole kit
and caboodle: $230.
- That much, huh?
- And, uh...
we want
a "recipe" for that.
You're nobody's fool.
I can see that.
Any time you gentlemen want
your money back, you just...
bring in this slip, and it'll be
cheerfully refunded...
- with interest.
- [All Laughing]
We're on our way
now, Pard.
[Man] Come on, Wes. Let's get
that money transferred.
Howdy.
- Howdy.
- Our president. A real go-getter.
- Give me a hand, Wes.
- You grab those two.
[Grunting]
Pleasure doin' business
with you gentlemen.
[Amos]
Thank you.
Wh-Where are you going
with the money?
Don't like to keep
too much cash in one place.
Just not good business.
[Man]
I told you you was tryin'
to take too much.
These horses got
all they can carry.
Put the rest on that jackass
and let's get outta here.
You know somethin'?
They forgot to stamp the date on there.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'll get that.
[Woman]
Help! Help! Help!
They're robbin' the bank!
The bank's been robbed!
Oh, blow it out your ear,
sheep lover!
[Gunfire]
Look out!
[Screams]
[Screaming Continues]
Look what you've done!
What do you mean? If it hadn't
been for me, you'd have been
trampled by those horses.
A train would have been
preferable to you!
Now get off of me!
- Well, let me give you a hand.
- [Screams]
- Let me get your bags.
- No!
Doesn't anybody understand
what I'm trying to tell ya?
- The bank has been...
- Calm down, woman.
While you have been
wearing out your mirror,
the bank's been robbed.
They went thataway, stupid!
Amos, we have been taken.
They stole every red cent
in this bank, includin' ours.
I'm gonna go report this to that
Marshal What's-His-Name. Come on.
[Grunts]
- Marshal, you're just the man
we were looking for.
- Hold it right there.
- Yeah, b-but there were
two men in here, and they th...
- All right, now.
Just turn around,
remove your guns...
and drop them...
- Huh?
- Nice and easy.
Want to show him this?
I said drop them.
[Bullets Ricocheting]
Ooh! Ow!
Marshal, I'm sorry.
We didn't...
Well, I'll be dipped.
They got Woolly Bill.
They outgunned
Woolly Bill Hitchcock!
[Laughing]
- Let's get outta here.
- [Laughing Continues]
It's a sight for sore eyes!
[Laughing]
Boy, if anybody sees us
in these fancy duds,
we're goners for sure.
You know, I knowed
we never should have
throwed away our clothes.
It was good
for another three years.
Oh, here's your shirt.
Somebody throwed
noodles in it.
[Crowd Murmuring]
Well, how'd they
do it, Woolly?
- They must've snuck up behind ya.
- Let's get you over to Doc Sykes.
[Laughing]
I knew it would happen!
I just knew it!
They finally did it.
They got Woolly Bill!
- Two dudes did it. I saw it myself.
- Uh, did you hear that?
- Two dudes.
- Uh, probably from back East.
Woolly had the drop on 'em,
and they still outgunned him.
They's faster than...
They's faster than
scalded cats, them two.
And I ain't crazy neither.
I saw it myself.
Yeah, uh, you actually saw
these two guys, is that right?
Well, I got to get
over to The Clarion...
and give my eyewitness report.
[Grunts]
[Laughing]
They did it!
They did it!
[Laughing Continues]
You know, since we went
straight, we're in more trouble
than we ever was.
- Can't we go back
to terrorizing the West?
- We can't go anywhere, stupid.
We don't have money
for train fare...
and we can't ride
that dumb donkey of yours,
'cause you can't find her.
Come on. Get dressed.
[Crowd Gasping]
They call theirselves
the Apple Dumpling Gang.
- They what?
- Well, that's what
they said, Mr. Hitchcock.
The Apple Dumpling Gang.
They's the same two
that outgunned ya, Woolly.
[Hitchcock]
Yes, I see them.
I saw 'em myself,
right after they shot the guns
out of your hands.
Hard to believe,
ain't it?
Did you really have
the drop on 'em, Mr. Hitchcock?
He sure did. And that's the donkey
the others lit out with.
Why, the gang
must have split up.
Those are the two I want.
I'll keep this, if you don't mind.
Oh, of course, Mr. Hitchcock.
Glad to help...
anyway that I can.
- Our picture's never gonna get
in the history books now.
- Oh, yes it will.
We'll go down as numbers 16 and 17
shot by Marshal Woolly Bill Hitchcock.
- Let's get out of here.
- Huh?
[Theodore]
You know, Amos...
we pulled a real slick one
on that Mr. Hitchcock feller.
He's gonna be ridin' all over
the country lookin' for
two dudes with checkered vests...
not a couple
ofhard cases like us.
I'd say
we got it pretty soft.
Even be better
if we had something to eat.
Don't worry about that
right now.
We just lay low
in this old barn till dark...
then we just slip out of town
and mosey off to other parts.
Ain't no way we're gonna be
tied up with that bank robbery.
[Braying]
- [Theodore]
Clarise?
- Clarise!
Now, wait.
Don't be mean to her.
That's our way
out of town.
Listen, people seen her
hightail it out with that bank money.
Now she comes follerin'you
around like a hungry pup.
It ain't gonna take Woolly Bill
long to put two and two together.
- Who's the other two?
- You and me and two ropes, that's who.
We gotta get rid of your mule
and ditch that bank money.
- I thought you said
we was goin' straight.
- Hush up. Let me think.
- Hey, Pard.
- Huh?
Is this how
you make a capital T?
What are you doin'?
- What's the capital T for?
- Theodore.
Don't put my name on it,
ya strawhead.
Just say, "Here's your money back,
and we're sorry we caused you
any inconvenience."
All right. Okay, that's, uh,
in... uh, incon...
Inconve... Inconven...
Uh, could I just say,
"No hard feelings"?
- Just forget that for now
and help me with this. Come on.
- Right.
[Grunting]
- You sure this is gonna work?
- You bet it's gonna work.
I got this figured out
real scientific-like.
Now, when I count to three,
we drop the bags, they swing
right through the bank door...
and Woolly Bill's got
his money back.
- That's as easy as fallin' off a log.
- Don't say that.
You ready?
One, two...
- Oh, I forgot the note.
- Three-ee-ee.
- [Theodore Screaming]
- Where ya goin'?
[Screaming Continues]
[Belches]
- [Screaming]
- I'll get ya. I got... Hey!
- [Screaming]
- Watch the window!
[Screaming]
- Give me your hand.
Give me your other hand.
- Hold me!
- Come on.
- Hold me, Amos, hold me.
Whoa!
[Groaning]
- [Man] Looks like his neck.
- [Man #2] Hey, Marshal,
let me help you here.
Don't touch me.
[Groaning]
He looks like
he's plumb hurt.
- [Muttering]
- Better get a doctor.
- [Grunting]
- I gotcha.
He got the money back,
just like you said he would.
- Yeah. Let's get out of here.
- Huh? Yeah.
- We're with you, Woolly.
- [Groaning]
[Grunts]
Thank you.
Yes, sir. We gotta
believe in this man.
- Get back.
- I don't see Clarise nowhere.
Will you forget about
that donkey?
We gotta put some distance
between us and this town...
or it's gonna be
our permanent residence.
And I mean permanent.
Follow me.
[Crowd Murmuring]
[Woman]
I just hope he doesn't go
into one ofhis long speeches.
Here's your rifle,
Mr. Hitchcock.
He's some kind
of lawman, ain't he?
[Man]
He's the man. He's the man
that's gonna get 'em.
You can do it.
- Will you kindly assist me?
- Gladly.
[Crowd Murmuring]
[Groaning]
All right.
Easy does it.
- Watch your step.
- [Groaning]
[Man]
Just look at him.
- That's a fine figure of a man.
- Here, here.
Because those two cringin'...
pusillanimous polecats...
returned some money...
they shall not escape
my vengeance.
Be assured, good citizens
ofJunction City...
I will not rest until...
the Apple Dumpling Gang...
is completely destroyed...
and removed from society.
- [Cheering]
- May I have my trusty steed,
young man...
if you don't mind?
Thank you.
That will do just fine, I believe.
Here we go.
[Groans]
[Man]
Watch out, there. Stand back.
[Man #2]
Give him some room.
That's it. Listen, listen.
I shall have
their carcasses...
back in this town
in two weeks.
- Two weeks.
- [Crowd Applauding]
You can come out now,
Miss Gaskill.
- Are you quite ready now?
- Oh, yes, ma'am. That was
the last case of champagne.
It's about time. I'll have
you know I'm not in the habit
of bein' kept waitin', Private.
- Well, after all,
it is for your party.
- Especially in this condition.
And furthermore,
in the future, Private...
I will expect an officer
to accompany me,
and not an enlisted man.
And you can rest assured...
[Dialogue Fades]
For heaven's sake!
[Groaning]
Are you certain
you're takin'the right road?
I've ridden all over, and
I've never experienced anything
that compares with this.
[Groaning Continues]
Oh, is this the first time
you've traveled this road?
Why, you rarely miss a rut.
Well, just shift in the saddle,
so to speak. It only hurts half as bad.
As soon as we get to Fort Concho,
my father's gonna hear all about this.
Well, if this comes
to a court-martial...
they might demand to see evidence
of your complaint.
You forget
your place, soldier.
- Giddyup, now. Ho!
- Merciful heavens.
Believe me, I fully intend
to give a detailed account
of your incompetence and your...
Uh-huh. Yes.
Appears we're on
the same trail, my dear.
With your permission...
I'll just let you
lead the way, hmm?
Whoa, now. Whoa.
And here we are.
Allow me.
- Millie!
- Oh, Dad!
- What's all this?
- You all right, darlin'?
- Daddy, you wouldn't believe
what I've been through.
- What happened, Millie?
- Oh, Jim...
- Well, come on in
and tell me all about it.
I'll be right with you, Millie.
I'll just get the bags.
Sergeant Slaughter?
- Yes, sir.
- Come here.
[Both Snoring]
- What is that?
- I don't know, sir.
Where did
they come from, Reid?
I have no idea, Sergeant.
- Well, get 'em out of there.
On their feet.
- Yes, sir.
We're moving.
We're moving.
Now, who in blazes are you,
and how did you get
in an army conveyance?
Don't answer that.
I'll do all the talking here, Amos.
And besides,
who wants to know?
I want to know!
You obviously don't know
who you're talking to, Little Boy Blue.
I like that.
Where is your horn, Little Boy Blue?
[Chuckles]
- Get some coffee in them, Sergeant.
- Yes, sir.
At ease.
Now, gentlemen, come
with me to the orderly room...
and I'll explain the benefits
of military life to you.
Free food, outdoor activity
in the fresh air...
the camaraderie
of soldiering...
and that great feeling
of belonging.
Now, gentlemen, come with me
and I'll help you...
with the little details
of joining our group.
Now you're talkin',
soldier boy.
After that, we'll take care
of another little detail.
[Jim]
Hey, you, trapper...
what do you got here?
I found him up there
just this side of timberline.
Just like this.
It's Flint and Quinn, sir.
Yeah, I been hearin' that...
military is payin' thirty dollars a head
for deserters, dead or alive...
- so I put in for...
- Thanks for bringing them in...
but that's all you get.
These two
were killed on duty.
- Take care of them, Corporal,
and bring those arrows to me.
- Yes, sir.
Just thanks?
That's all I get?
By gollies, l-l-I fetched them
a long ways.
Seems like you oughta... do...
somethin' for somebody.
Gets so you can't hardly...
trust nobody no more.
Come on, boy. Let's go.
And you're certain
they're Shoshone.
Well, it could be Paiute, sir,
but they're not usually this far west.
Then why can't we find
any sign of them?
Where did they get to?
- What was in the wagon?
- Blankets, rifles, sidearms.
Well, that'll be
sold to renegades.
- Put 'em with the other evidence.
- Yes, sir.
Jim.
I don't know what
I'm gonna tell Washington.
Uh, yes, sir.
[Horse Whinnies]
Halt. Who's there?
Identify.
Halt!
Corporal of the guard!
Corporal of the guard!
We got a deserter!
Check back there.
Secure the gates!
Who is it?
I don't know, sir.
- Check the stables
and sound assembly immediately.
- Yes, sir.
There he is!
What are you doing
with these?
When you've been
bucked and gagged
for a few days...
you'll feel more
communicative, soldier.
Put him in the guardhouse.
Double the guard.
Company ready
for inspection, Corporal?
- Ready for inspection, Sergeant.
- I'll conduct the inspection.
[Snoring]
- Is this company ready
for inspection, Corporal?
- Sorry, Sergeant.
[Snoring Continues]
Did 'ems have
a nice nap?
Because we don't want
our new recruits to be
cranky all day, do we?
- No, sir.
- When the corporal ordered
inspection arms...
he meant everybody.
Everybody!
Yes, sir. Yes, uh...
Oh, uh...
I'll just...
The order was for
inspection of arms, soldier!
- Ooh!
- Sergeant!
Get... Get back in ranks!
Corporal, put these men
on a trash detail for one month.
Now you listen to me.
For the next ten years, you are mine.
Do you understand?
Mine!
And I'm going to make
soldiers out of you if I have
to kill you in the process.
Corporal, take over.
I didn't have
a very good night's sleep.
For talking in ranks,
one month on the wood detail!
He didn't know
about that rule, sir.
One month on the stable detail
for both of you!
And report to me
after this formation.
- Actually, it was his fault.
- And one month on kitchen
police in the officers' mess!
[Violins]
You outdid yourself,
Ravencroft.
Yes, it's going to be quite
an evening, isn't it? I want
everything to go perfectly.
You do plan to announce
your engagement this evening.
- I certainly do. I only hope
that everything goes...
- Oh, there she is now.
Excuse me.
[Man]
You two.
[Knocking]
You two.
Give me a hand?
Take this in there,
put it in the center of the table...
and be careful.
Careful! Don't wiggle.
Don't spill it!
Be careful, you guys.
[Banjo]
Cake.
You're spilling it.
[Braying]
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
Just officers and their friends.
I am an officer.
I'm a peace officer, and I'm looking
for the Apple Dumpling Gang.
- And there they are.
- [Braying]
Hands up.
[Growling]
- How'd he ever find us here?
- Your mule, that's how.
Restrain that man!
[Gaskill]
Hold him, Corporal.
We're never gonna make
corporal now.
We ain't even
gonna make roll call.
I tracked 'em!
They're mine! Mine!
Get the fire brigade!
- [Men Shouting]
- Let's get out of here.
[Screaming]
Ooh!
What's going on here?
Oh, I might have known it.
Get some water
and put out this fire!
- Over there!
- Water! Water. Oh.
[Shouting Continues]
[Bell Ringing]
You two!
Get the powder out of that shed
before the magazine goes up!
Corporal, get a bucket brigade started.
Fast.
Fire brigade, let's go!
Move it!
- Where are we supposed to put this?
- The man said get it out.
Hey, can you see
what's burnin'?
I, uh, can't see...
but, uh, it sounds like
the whole fort's stirred up.
Yeah, well I'm gonna see
what's happenin'.
Come on!
Get the water up there!
Come on.
Get those buckets in.
[Slaughter]
Come on, come on. Hurry.
[Slaughter]
Keep 'em comin'.
Pardon me.
Gimme that bucket.
[Screaming]
Get him outta there.
Get dirt on that fire!
Keep them buckets movin', movin',
or we're gonna lose the mess hall!
Get the civilians
out of the fort.
Open the gates!
Amos!
- There's no water over here!
- There's plenty over here, Theodore.
L-I could do that.
[Slaughter] Corporal, never mind that.
Bring your squad over here!
Hurry, hurry.
- [Theodore] Amos!
- Huh? Don't worry, I got her.
Amos!
Clear the area!
Get out of here!
Come on!
[Hitchcock Screaming]
[Maniacal Laughter]
Come on, Amos!
Come back, boys.
[Laughing]
Come here, boys.
[Gaskill]
Careful! Careful out there!
[Slaughter]
Come on, come on. Move it!
Hey, hey!
Get me out of here!
Get me out ofhere!
- Come on, hurry up!
- All right, all right.
Okay, soldier,
grab a bucket.
- Yes, sir.
- Follow me. We need all
the help we can get.
Yes, sir.
Jim, get Millie out of the
compound. This whole fort's
gonna go. Stay with her!
Hyah, hyah!
Hyah! Move 'em!
Hyah!
[Millie Screaming]
Hyah! Hyah!
[Shouting Continues]
Theodore?
Theodore.
Better get that punch bowl
back on the table.
That cook's gonna get mad.
[Bugle]
With your permission,
I'd like to take out a squad
to look for Millie.
I'm sure Private Reid
took her hostage.
We have four patrols out
already, Lieutenant...
and we are presently reduced
to a skeletal force...
that couldn't defend
these shambles against a stiff breeze!
Through the years,
this proud fort...
Fort Concho, has withstood
seven Indian assaults...
four sieges, plague...
drought, the blizzard of'68...
and an outbreak
of acute dysentery.
- We weathered them all, Lieutenant...
- Yes, sir.
Never once
dipping our colors.
Then, in less than
four hours...
two of our own men...
those two...
brought Fort Concho
to its knees.
Even if I could explain
to Washington what happened...
they'd never understand.
I know those people
back there.
Yes, sir. Um, why don't you try
to lie down, Major?
Because my quarters
are destroyed!
I have no bed
to lie on.
Corporal, tell these two men...
that they're gonna
hang there in the sun
for the next three days...
with just enough water
to keep them barely alive!
Then they're gonna be
cut down, and they're gonna
rebuild this fort...
piece by piece,
log by log...
even if it takes
the rest of their lives!
You two men are gonna
hang there in the sun
for three days...
I think
we heard him, Corporal.
[Groaning]
Say, Theodore, how long
you think it's gonna take us
to rebuild this fort?
Well...
[Growling]
I don't think we're gonna have
to worry about that.
- Mornin', Mr. Hitchcock.
- We was just hopin' we'd
run into you, Mr. Hitchcock.
It-It's about that, uh...
you know, back there
in Junction City...
For bank robbery...
[Neck Muscles Crack, Groans]
For destruction
of private property...
for creating
a public nuisance...
for interference with an officer
in the performance of his duty...
for illegal flight
to avoid prosecution...
I didn't know we did all those
things. You, Theodore?
And miscellaneous
misdemeanors...
I am going to put you
out of your misery...
and take you back
toJunction City...
draped over the back
of your own mule.
Don't we get to stand trial?
You forfeited the right
to your trial...
when you made me follow your jackass
all over the countryside.
Mr. Hitchcock has a point there,
Theodore. We did put this man
through an awful lot of trouble.
Will you just shut up.
Now, we got a fort to build
here, Mr. Hitchcock. But just
as soon as we're finished here...
we'll meet you back at
Junction City, and then you can
put us out of our misery then.
Save your breath.
You are both going to be
shot between the eyes.
I won't make it
any easier on you...
but I will make it...
somewhat of a challenge
for myself.
You oughta get some butter
on those hands.
[Grunting]
[Gun Firing]
- Hold it. Hold it.
- Let me go! Let me go!
You're interfering with a police officer
in the performance of his duty!
They're not gonna get off
that easy.
They're mine for the next
ten years. Do you hear me?
Mine! Mine!
Corporal of the guard!
[Millie]
But why did you kidnap me?
[Reid] Darlin', you were just in the
wrong place at the wrong time.
It was not for your company,
I assure you.
Do you think you can elude
the entire garrison?
I am gonna try.
You do seem awfully familiar
with the back trails around here.
Most of'em.
I have to be.
You're involved with
these military thefts, aren't you?
That should be
pretty obvious by now.
You'll be shot
when they catch ya.
Well, that's the chance you take
in this business. Giddyup!
Hello, in the cabin.
Hello!
Whoa.
Hello, Jeff.
Howdy, Martha.
Excuse me.
- Allow me.
- I can get down myself, thank you.
Who's that
with you, Jeff?
Miss Gaskill, I'd like you
to meet an old friend of mine,
Mrs. Martha Austin.
Well, I'm not his friend.
I'm his prisoner, and I plead to
you as another woman to help me.
Lot of women wouldn't be
all that upset over your
predicament. Come on in.
Leave the flowers, Jeff.
There's more.
How 'bout you,
Miss Gaskill?
No, thank you.
I'm thoroughly exhausted.
- I'd like to lay down if I may.
- Of course.
Just as soon as you finish the dishes,
Miss Gaskill.
You want to wash or dry?
And in the morning...
we'll see about rebuilding
that woodpile, Martha.
Excuse me.
Now, how much more
of this do we have to stack?
Well, Miss Gaskill,
you're just gettin' off
to a good start.
Uh, Miss Gaskill,
let me, uh...
Let me save you
some steps there.
Here ya go.
Put your arms out. Good.
Hold on, hold on.
- What do you mean, "Hold on"?
- Here we go.
- That's enough.
- Just one more. One more. There we go.
There. Lieutenant Ravencroft
would be very proud of you.
Oh, I swear, when they find us,
you're gonna get what's comin' to you.
Well, in that case, we better
hurry up and get this wood
chopped. Come on. Off you go.
- I can't!
- Whoa!
- Are you all right, Millie?
- Would you get your hands off me?
It seems that I'm all that's between you
and a very nasty fall...
- and you should be thankin' me.
- Please?
Well, I didn't know that army brats
knew that word.
[Screams]
There you go.
[Major]
Prisoners, front and center, ho!
A court-martial has
found you guilty of...
more charges than I care
to enumerate at this time...
- but enough to commit you
to Bridger Military Prison...
- Oh, they're mine.
All mine. Oh, yes, you see,
I caught them, and so, they're mine.
There's nothing to worry about.
I have everything
under complete control.
They're mine! Mine, all mine!
[Screams]
[Screaming Continues]
Whatever's fair.
We don't want to cause any trouble.
To Bridger Military Prison, where you
will remain at hard labor for 30 years.
I regret that is the maximum
penalty the law allows.
I want to add...
that I am being relieved
of my position here.
Two weeks from today,
Lt. Ravencroft will be promoted...
and will assume
command of the post.
- Congratulations, sir.
- Mmm-mmm.
I can say
without reservation...
that I have...
you to thank for it!
Sergeant, Corporal.
[Horse Neighing]
- Take them away.
- [Soldier] Move.
[Hitchcock Laughing Maniacally]
I'll be waiting for you!
If it takes a hundred years,
I'll get you!
I'm going to get you!
[Crazed Laughing]
- Move 'em out!
- [Soldier] Detail, move.
[Hitchcock's Laughter Continues]
My, how you manage
by yourself I'll never know.
Don't you get lonesome
way out here?
The Norwoods live
upstream a ways.
They look in on me
once in awhile.
But I don't miss anything.
I've lived my life,
and it's been a good one.
Martha, where did you
ever meet Private Reid?
Jeff? I didn't even know
he was in the army.
I just know he's a good man.
A good man! Why...
Why, he's an arrogant scoundrel
and a disgrace to his country!
Oh, I don't know. I do know he has
a much higher opinion of you.
Oh, really.
He loves you.
Loves?
Loves me?
Oh, now whatever
gave you that idea?
I can hear it every time
he speaks to you.
Every time he says,
"Miss Gaskill."
It's filled with love.
You're a lucky girl.
[Horse Approaching]
- Captain Phillips.
- [Phillips] Lieutenant.
- Seen any patrols?
- No, sir.
Not a sign.
Good to see you.
[Chuckles]
I got something for ya.
Colonel Stevenson,
who hopes you're well.
And that I've got something
definite to report on these
army supply thefts, I'm sure.
Well, there was some mention
of that, yes.
You know, I haven't got
one solid clue yet, Lieutenant...
but all indications are that the answer
is somewhere inside Fort Concho.
Right now I need some more help
from you and Colonel Stevenson.
First thing, I'd like to get
some new I.D. Papers...
a little bit more cash...
Oh, hi, Martha.
It's me.
- She's gone.
- What do you mean? Where is she?
I didn't think she'd have the salt
to try it on her own, but she did.
- Martha, she...
- She'll be all right, Jeff.
If she sticks to the stream,
she'll come upon the Norwood place.
They'll give her a hand
back to the fort.
[Sighs]
And Lt. Ravencroft?
I'm sorry, Jeff.
I truly am.
Hey, they're here.
They sure ain't taking
any chances with them guys.
Wonder how fast they really are.
I don't want to be the one to find out.
Everybody sure has been
nice to us, Theodore.
The guy who gave us these
uniforms, wanted to make sure
they fit. Even called us "sir."
That's because they think
we're the fastest guns in the West.
- Well, we did get Woolly Bill.
- On the first bounce.
If it ever gets out what
really happened in that bank,
we won't last a week in here.
- What are you gonna do?
- First, we gotta find out who's
really running things here.
- Once we back him down,
we got no more problems. You got me?
- Right.
[Unlocking Door]
[Prisoners Chattering]
Psst.
Remember who we're
supposed to be.
- [Shuddering]
- All right.
Who's the number one
cock-a-doodle-doo around here?
- W-What?
- "What?"
[Grunts]
- Now, who is he?
- It's-It's Mac! It's Mac!
- Mac who?
- Uh, I don't know.
They just call him "Big Mac."
Where is this
Big Mac?
I don't know.
[Panting]
Not many of these fellas
have ever seen him.
Big Mac don't,
don't never come out here
in the yard, n-never.
Well, you get word
to this, uh, Big Mac...
that the Apple Dumpling Gang
wants to see him.
Okay?
Uh-h-h,
Apple Dumpling Gang.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
[Straining]
- Move out.
- Y-Yes, sir.
- Move it!
- [Gasps] Yes, sir!
[Man]
One, two, three. Heave!
[Bugle]
Sometimes I wished we'd left
Marshal Hitchcock to his own devices.
- How's he doing?
- He's been released from the infirmary.
Not all together cured,
I'd say, but better.
About the robberies, Jim,
I hate to pass on unfinished business...
but I did everything
I knew how.
You did everything
humanly possible.
But it wasn't enough.
They stole another cavy
of horses just two days ago.
- I'm beginning to think
these raids are done by ghosts.
- It's uncanny, sir.
Well, it's off
my shoulders now.
Daddy, it's unfair.
Nothing is fair
in this world, Millie.
I'm sorry about your wedding plans,
but you could hardly stay here
under these conditions.
Now you know I'll be all right.
You don't have to worry about me.
We'll be married just as soon
as I take my leave, sir.
Hey, Theodore, when we get
out of here in 30 years,
are we gonna go straight again?
I'll think about that
when the time comes.
Listen, did that guard
say to go left or right
when we passed them boilers?
He said to go right.
This is a strange place
for a shipping room.
I don't think we're supposed
to be down here. We must've
made a wrong turn somewhere.
Uh, where...
- [Gasping]
- Uh, Theodore?
- Theodore, what did you do?
- [Men Chattering]
- Shh.
- [Man] It'll be a week
or so till we get the cash.
- We'll make the split then.
- You did a goodjob. No witnesses.
- That's the way I want it.
- [Whispers] Amos.
You boys have had it
pretty easy up till now.
But I wanna tell you,
holdin'up a train isn't easy
as them wagons.
There'll be plenty of guards
around that payroll.
We'll take care
of the guards.
Reno, you're in charge.
Blainey, go along with him, make
sure there ain't no mistakes.
Now I'll be waiting in the meadow
at the Cuddy Grade.
You work your way up
to the baggage cart,
throw the money out there.
Stay on the train till you
get to Oakdale, then get off.
If everything goes well,
I figure we should be able to
meet back here in 45 minutes.
An hour, at the outside.
$50,000 an hour.
That's pretty good pay.
[Gasps]
Uh, could you direct us to the
Bridger Military Prison, please?
Who the blazes are you?
Ya ever hear of the
Apple Dumpling Gang, punk?
Why didn't you say so?
I hear you wanna see me.
Maybe we do, maybe we don't.
Whose little boy are you?
[Chuckling]
I'm Mac.
Mac who, fuzzy face?
That Mac.
Probably wants to talk to you.
Uh, we just wanted
to say howdy.
Howdy.
How long were you there
and what'd you hear?
Oh, nothing.
We just got here, Mr. Mac.
We didn't hear nothing
about any train robbery, did we?
No, no. Didn't hear nothing
about the money either.
- Boys.
- Wait a minute.
Mac, we can use a couple
of extra guns on this job.
Yeah, I hear you boys
are pretty handy with the iron.
That's right. Pound for pound,
we're the best in the West.
[Big Mac]
Well, good.
Yes. [Chuckling] Well, here.
We'll give you a chance to prove it.
[Chuckling]
Well, now that's
what I call shootin'.
Maybe we can
use you boys.
Uh, are you gentlemen
prisoners here?
When we feel like it.
It ain't all that surprisin'
when you know the story.
See, Bridger here
was built by army prisoners.
When they was digging the foundation,
they found these caverns.
[Chuckling]
A few of the boys just
kept it under their hat.
Figured they'd use it later
to bust out.
[Chuckles]
But it turned out to be
the perfect hideout.
Now, where's the last place the
law would look for a person that
was robbin' a supply wagon?
Why, that's a toughie.
Now, where is the last place...
- Prison.
- Huh?
You got a head
on you, boy.
Just barely.
So we figured why bust out
and be on the dodge
the rest of our lives.
Stay in prison and run the whole
operation from here. Live like kings.
Come and go when we want.
Feel the need for a little relaxation,
a little female companionship...
we just ride into town.
Makes life in prison
very comfortable.
Does Warden Waddell
know about this?
No! Nobody does,
but the seven of us.
Well, nine of us now
and the outside man.
- Who's that?
- You'll meet him when the time comes.
The outside man lets us know
when there's a wagon...
or a shipment coming through
with somethin' worthwhile on it.
He gets a cut
for his trouble.
You'll get yours too
if you handle yourselves
all right.
We'll be watching ya.
[Chuckles]
We'll slip into town
one or two at a time.
- You two know where your spot is?
- The Variety Saloon.
I want everyone
in place at 12:00 sharp.
And you better be there.
12:00 sharp.
Don't worry.
Giddap!
Come on!
You know, Theodore.
Robbin' army payroll
ain't exactly goin' straight.
We ain't robbed no payroll yet, Amos,
and we ain't goin' to.
I'm thinkin' on a plan.
Better come up with it by noon.
If you don't have it by noon...
Wait for me.
All we gotta do
is have the sheriff in this town...
Iock us up
under protective custody.
Then we just lay back and let him
handle the rest. We'll be heroes.
If you're looking for Sheriff Vaughn,
he's over at the Widow Bradshaw's.
Seems a fox has been gettin'
into her chicken house again.
Hmm! Usually takes the sheriff
about a week to settle the matter.
- A week?
- Yeah, we can't... A week?
We can't wait a week.
I mean, already the little hand's
on 12, big hand's on 11.
You need a lawman, the federal marshal's
down at the Variety's.
- Let's go! Come on!
- Hey, Theodore.
Are we in more trouble here
or back in Junction City?
When you're in this much trouble,
it can't get worse.
[Clears Throat] Howdy.
Uh, we're lookin' for the marshal.
We've got a marshal here, of sorts.
But I don't know as he can handle
your complaint though.
- I'm sure he can.
- Oh, sure he can. Where is he?
Right over there.
- [Groaning]
- It's the famous Marshal
Woolly Bill Hitchcock.
He's just a shell of a man he was
before the Apple Dumpling Gang
got away from him.
- Shall I wake him up?
- [Both] Uh, no, no.
- Let him sleep. We're just leaving.
- Thank you very much.
- Where's the backdoor?
- In the back.
Amos!
[Screams]
It's noon.
Whiskey.
Where's the two
new gunslingers?
They'll be here.
They better.
Where we goin'?
I can't see.
I don't know.
Just act nonchalant.
- Hey, look, a couple of girls.
- [Men Whistling]
[Both Stammering]
[Man] Come down here, girls.
Let's dance!
- Remember them?
- The bank robbers?
- [Man] Play a tune, Charlie.
Maybe they'll dance.
- Big Mac.
[Piano, Cancan]
Woolly Bill.
- They're all here.
- Hey, come on!
- What are we gonna do?
- We're gonna dance. Come on.
[Men Cheering, Whooping]
- How long do we have to
keep this up, Theodore?
- I don't know.
- Come on. Let's dance.
- [Gasps]
Hey, play something
we can dance to.
[Moans]
Whoops.
["My Darling Clementine"]
Come on, honey.
Don't play hard to get.
- You're for me. I like mine
with a little meat on 'em.
- [Mock Laughter]
Ain't we seen you two gals
somewhere before?
- [Falsetto Voice]
We do get around.
- Ah.
Been a long time since I had
my arms around a little hug
and squeeze like you.
[Falsetto Voice]
I bet you say that to all the girls.
- [Mock Laughter]
- [Man Laughing]
Nah.
We gotta get out of here
or we're in big trouble.
Oh, I don't know.
Mine's a pretty good dancer.
It's gettin' late.
Yeah.
We better get out of here.
If I ever get my hands
on those two, I'll kill 'em.
You know, I can't get over the feelin'
that I've seen you somewheres afore.
Oh, I'm just another pretty face.
[Chuckles]
Listen, gorgeous.
Why don't we get out of here?
- I'd sure like to get to know
you a little bit better.
- [Mock Laughter]
[Coughing]
[Braying]
Hey, Teresa.
Look, it's Clarise.
- [Gasps]
- Uh, Teresa, Clarise is back.
- Let's get out ofhere!
- [Grunts]
Thanks for the dance, honey.
- Come on!
- Come on, Clarise.
- Theodore!
- [Moaning]
[Gasps]
[Chuckles]
[Theodore]
Amos. Amos.
[Screaming]
- You okay, Theodore?
- You bet, Pard. Thanks.
Get me down!
Get me down from here.
Let's get outta here!
- Wait a minute, Theodore.
Where's Clarise?
- Amos, forget about her!
- Clarise!
- Amos, come on!
Come on, Clarise.
Amos! Come on, Amos!
Come on!
Come on!
Come on, you two!
Excuse me.
Is this seat taken?
Well, I still feel funny
about Clarise, Theodore.
Will you forget about that!
A deal's a deal.
At least we're puttin' some miles
between us and Big Mac.
You got a point there. I guess we can
kind of relax and just sit...
- [Gasps] Hey! Isn't that, uh...
- [Gasps]
That's Reno and Blainey
and the whole bunch of'em.
They're comin'right at us.
Duck!
- Let's get on board.
- Now, move it, you guys.
We ain't got much time.
[Conductor]
All aboard!
They're comin' in here.
- Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
- That army payroll.
- It's on this train!
- Let's get outta here!
- [Train Starts Moving]
- [Both Scream]
[Grunts]
[Gasps]
You!
We can't go on meeting
like this, Miss Gaskill.
Or is it Mrs. Ravencroft?
Well, there's been
a slight delay in our plans.
Wonderful.
- What are you doin'?
- Just something I've wanted
to do for a long time.
My, if you would've put
the same amount of effort
into somethin' worthwhile, why...
Get back to your seat
and stay there.
Who are you to be telling me
what to do?
I am Captain Jeff Phillips
of Army Intelligence...
and I'm on special duty here
trying to find out who's behind these...
- military supply robberies
at your father's fort.
- Captain?
We'll have time
to talk about it later.
There's a large
army payroll on this train.
I have reason to believe
they're gonna try and get it.
- I don't want you shot
before we get married.
- Married?
Now get in there
and stay put.
[Sighs]
[Man]
Over here, Mac.
It's, uh, not that
I don't trust you, Mac.
But since it's cash this time,
notjust supplies...
I thought it'd be easier if wejust
divvied it up here, right at the scene.
- Your boys know this spot?
- Don't worry about them.
They're all good at theirjobs.
Well, they oughta be.
I pay 'em enough.
Well, if that train left on time, oughta
be here in less than five minutes.
I'll be glad when that money's
off this train.
If we just keep movin'
and stay buttoned up,
everything'd be all right.
[Train Whistle Blowing]
And the cap.
[Grunts]
[Screaming]
- Thank you. Tickets, please.
- What was that, Theodore?
I don't know.
And it's Running Bear, not Theodore.
- Yeah, but, Theo...
- How many times do I have
to keep telling you?
I'm Running Bear
and you're Standing Elk.
Now, hush up!
[Blainey]
I saidjump!
[Screams]
Uh, Running Bear...
Standing Elk just saw
Screaming Eagle
and Flying Corporal.
[Chuckles]
It was just, uh...
There's not much time.
Unlock that door.
[Grunting]
[Whooping]
[Man]
It's Indians!
- [Gunshots]
- [Passengers Chattering]
I wonder what they want.
Hey. Aah! Theo.
- What's goin' on out there?
- [Whooping Continues]
Indians. The Indians
have been peaceful for years.
- I wonder what stirred them up?
- I don't know.
But I don't like it.
Let's get outta here.
- [Man Speaking In Native Dialect]
- Oooh.
- [Passengers Shouting, Screaming]
- Get down!
Check the women!
I think those two
are lookin' for us.
Yeah, but, uh...
I think I'd rather rob a train.
[Gunshots Continue]
Hi, Reno. It-It's us.
Do ya need any help?
Where you two been?
Get in here!
- I knew you had enough help...
- Come here.
[Speaking In Native Dialect]
[Screams]
[All Grunting]
[Whooping Continues]
[Amos]
Oh, boy, look at that.
I thought you people
just wanted guns and beads.
There's nothin' in there
but bills. Show him, Reno.
Yeah.
No want paper.
Want them.
- [Gasps]
- White man trade donkey with
my squaw for two blankets.
Then donkey run away.
Dirty white man trick.
Squaw want blankets back.
You got 'em, chief.
- Give me these!
- I, uh...
[Laughing]
[Stammering]
Come on, Mac!
Get on with it!
All right, everybody got what
they want? Now we can all
get down to business.
Not quite. I haven't got
what I came for.
Millie. Private Reid.
It's Captain Phillips, Lieutenant,
U.S. Army Intelligence.
You and your sidekicks
are all under arrest.
- Get the bags.
- So if you'll kindly dismount,
very slowly, please...
drop your arms,
you can all ride...
Amos, what are you doing?
- I'm trying...
- Will you please hurry and help...
[Screaming, Grunts]
[Reid] Hey! Who is that?
What's goin'on there? Hey!
- Who is that down there?
- Oh, Amos and Theodore, Captain.
Remember us,
from the fort?
Yes, good work down there,
soldier... uh, uh, men... uh, good work.
- Phillips, you can't arrest me.
- Oh, yes, I most certainly can.
- You don't have anything on me.
- We'll see about that, Lieutenant.
Your entire operation
will be closely examined
at your general court-martial.
And in the meantime,
you and your sidekicks here...
can ride back in the baggage cart,
if you don't mind, sir.
Right there.
Right there, right there.
Right, right.
Right there. There.
Well, move it.
[Chuckles]
All right, come on,
come on, come on.
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
"It was a distinctive gold coin...
spent at the Variety Saloon
that led to the capture and..."
- What's that?
- "Incarceration."
- That means to "cart 'em back there."
- Right.
"...incarceration
of the real bank robbers,
Wes Hardin and Frank Starrett.
"Mr. Hitchcock,
in a statement to The Clarion...
"said he knew all along
the Apple Dumpling Gang
was not guilty...
but he wanted the real robbers,
Hardin and Starrett,
to relax their v-v-v..."
- What's that?
- "Vigilance."
- It means to "rest their horses."
- Oh.
Kids'll be surprised we got
an honorable discharge from the Army.
- Yeah. [Chuckles]
- When do you think we'll be home?
- A day and a half.
- That'll be Tuesday.
Boy, I hope there's some
of that leftover pot roast.
I bet Mr. Donovan and Dusty'll
be real surprised to see us.
Yep. I'll bet that place is
a rack and ruin since we been gone.