The Barefoot Executive (1971) Movie Script
He's gonna make it right to the top
That crazy movin' groovin' kid
who just won't stop
He's gonna rearrange
the good ol' status quo
And get it all together
With the things he's got to know
He's gonna make it
He's gonna make it
He's gonna take this
cockeyed world and shake it
He's gonna show them
he's a winner in the end
With a little bit of luck
And a little bitty barefoot friend
When they start rappin'
that he's too young
He makes his mind up
that he'll wind up number one
And the whole wide world
will know that he's around
Though other cats get uptight
and try to put him down
He's gonna make it
He's gonna make it
He's gonna take this
cockeyed world and shake it
He's gonna show them
he's a winner in the end
With a little bit of luck
And a little bitty barefoot friend
When they start rappin'
that he's too young
He makes his mind up
that he'll wind up number one
And the whole wide world
will know that he's around
Though other cats get uptight
and try to put him down
He's gonna make it
He's gonna make it
He's gonna take this
cockeyed world and shake it
He's gonna show them
he's a winner in the end
With a little bit of luck
And a little bitty barefoot friend
- He's gonna make it
- Little bitty barefoot friend
Little bitty barefoot friend
Hi, Mark.
Come on, Jen.
It's almost over.
I'll be there in a minute.
I told Steve I'd wait for him.
I suppose he's at that
crummy night school again.
Roger, everyone can't be
a Stanford man.
Unfortunately.
But he drives everyone nuts.
Especially Uncle.
Well, he won't bother him tonight.
Anyone who graduates
from the Moonrise Night School
on Melrose Avenue
is certainly not gonna
make it at the network.
- Hi, Rog.
- Steve, it's about time.
Yeah. We had this guest lecturer.
This guy had a great idea about a story
on Abe Lincoln's doctor's dog.
It was a great idea.
- Don't mention it tonight.
- Yeah, okay.
- Hey, how's the show going?
- Not very well.
- I haven't heard any laughs.
- I'm not surprised.
I saw it, it's a bomb.
If Wilbanks'd just listen to me.
You promised
you wouldn't say anything.
- Who's saying anything?
- Shh.
Thank you. Thank you.
How'd you like...? What did you...?
Did you...?
Harry, what did you think?
Regardless of my personal
feelings, Mr. Wilbanks,
I think this show will have
a very good rating.
What do you mean, "regardless
of your personal feelings"?
Well, I... I just don't happen
to like TV very much, that's all.
He doesn't like TV.
He's the morning program director.
- Steve, please be quiet.
- Charming.
- I mean, simply charming.
- Ahhh.
- Loved it.
- Thank you.
- Some of them liked it.
- Jen, telephone.
Of course they seemed to like it.
He's vice president
in charge of programming.
Can you imagine what he'd do
if someone didn't seem to like it?
Yes, operator. Mr. Wilbanks,
international calling.
- It's Farnsworth.
- Farnsworth. That vulture.
- Now, really, he isn't that bad.
- Yes, he is. I know that man.
Every time he thinks I'm in trouble,
he calls me up and congratulates me.
I tell you, he does it every time.
Hello, Farnsworth.
What a show, Francis.
What a show.
- Thank you, Farnsworth.
- It was so, so... different.
- Different?
- Yes, absolutely.
Incidentally, Clifford dropped by.
He sends regards from his
entire staff at Continental.
- Hiya, Francis.
- Hello, Clifford.
Well, I'm glad you liked it, Farnsworth,
because, you see,
what I was trying to do...
We'll have lunch
and talk about it.
Well, good night, Francis,
you old scoundrel.
You've done it again.
Well, I know I'm in trouble.
They both congratulated me.
Oh, well, don't worry. It's what
our big brass thinks that counts.
But what do they think?
There hasn't been a word
from New York. Roger!
- Yes, sir?
- Don't sneak up on me.
Get me New York.
They're lolling around there
in the lap of luxury.
We put on a new show.
The president of the network
doesn't call and tell me
what he thinks of it.
- Hi-line, Crampton, New York.
- Good boy. He gets right...
- What did you think of it?
- Oh, well, the...
- The audience liked it.
- Yes, they did.
But I'm still worried.
Uncle Francis, I think you
always over-worry our first show.
Is that what you think?
Well, let's hope
that's the case this time.
Yes, sir, here he is.
Hello, chief!
How'd you like the show?
Just fine, Wilbanks. Fine!
Is there somebody there with you?
Our sponsors are here.
They watched the show with me.
Oh, the sponsors are there. Well,
what did they think of the show?
They thought it was fine too,
just fine.
- How'd the showing go out there?
- Fine, just fine.
Several people laughed so hard
they fell off their chairs.
In fact, some of them
are still applauding.
Well, the ratings
will be out in the morning.
- They'll tell us the story, Francis.
- Yes, they certainly will.
- Good night, Francis.
- Good night, chief.
Cut!
Not now,
for heaven's sakes.
Ratings. That's all
they think about are ratings.
We get great audience response.
You heard them clapping yourself.
And they're worried about the ratings.
It's enough to give a man
nervous prostration.
You look a little pale.
Maybe I should get your pills.
Yes, I feel a little pale.
Get my pills.
Love that casting, Francis.
Love that casting!
Yeah, wasn't it good? The fellow
with the hat? Didn't you like him?
Oh, Jen, uh, what'd you
think of the show?
Well, I thought it had
certain possibilities.
Did you? I'm glad to hear...
- I thought next time, you could...
- Post! Not tonight!
Oh, he never listens.
He'll never listen!
Steve, did you slip him a note?
Jen, all he needs
is one good program idea.
Steve!
Mertons, will you stop blowing
that infernal horn?
- Wanted you to know I was here.
- I know you're here.
The neighborhood knows. You'd
think you were picking up your date.
And will you stop with the dusting?
I'm in a hurry today!
Yes, boss.
Charlie, get off your bicycle,
and put that paper on the porch.
I'm just sick and tired of digging it
out of the bushes every day.
Careless,
incompetent kids,
grow up that way,
then come to the networks.
No wonder we're having these problems.
Say, boss, would you ask Wilma
to move her car?
No, Wilma can't move her car!
You've got a reverse gear
in this thing.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, my bike!
- My bike! My brand-new bike!
- Now look what you've done.
Yeah, careless,
incompetent kids, huh?
Not him. You!
Well, don't worry about the bike...
But the papers.
If I don't deliver them,
I won't win that trip to Catalina.
I've been working all year
on that trip to Catalina.
Well, he's been working
all year on the...
Oh, put the darn papers
in the car!
How I ever let myself get saddled with
my wife's relatives, I'll never know.
- Hi, Steve.
- Hi, Jen.
I, uh, got something here
for Wilbanks.
Steve, you're supposed to
deliver the mail, not read it.
- It doesn't hurt anything.
- Keep moving.
Mr. Wilbanks should be here
any second.
You know how upset he gets
when he sees you hanging around.
- He's not in yet?
- Mm-mm.
I can't say I blame him
after that show last night.
Steve, please just forget
about last night's show.
Okay. I've seen disasters in my time,
but that one really takes the cake.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Did you happen to get my note?
- Yes.
Every time I put my hand
in my pocket, I got your note.
Now you listen to me, Steven. I'm not
interested in your theories on ratings.
And I'm certainly not interested
in doing a show called
Abraham Lincoln's Doctor's Dog,
whatever that is.
What is it?
Uh, well, sir, it's very interesting.
You see, we had a guest speaker
from our school last night.
A Mr. E.Z. Potter.
You've probably heard of him.
- E.Z. Potter?
- Yes. He's from up north.
- Up north? Where up north?
- Tulare.
- Tulare?
- Yeah.
He's got a surefire approach
for making a top-rated TV show.
- He does?
- And it's very logical too.
It's been historically proven
that the American people
have always preferred stories
about, number one, Abe Lincoln,
number two, doctors
and number three, dogs.
So the most popular
and highest rated show of all,
would be a show about
Abe Lincoln's doctor's dog.
And that is the kind of a show
your TV friend from Tulare
wants me to make?
Well, actually, he's not
in TV, sir. He's in radio.
- Radio?
- Yes.
- They don't have a TV station up there.
- They don't?
Abraham Lincoln's
doctor's dog?
- Yeah.
- Title's kinda long,
but it sounds like a good idea.
- Wait in the car.
- Oh.
Now you listen to me, Post.
You get this straight.
Your job here
is to deliver the mail.
And that is all you are to do
is to deliver the mail.
I am not interested
in your quacky theories
that come from your quacky teachers
that teach in your quacky night school.
Yes, sir. But actually, in this
case, it wasn't a teacher.
I know what he was!
He was a radio man from Tulare!
Anything important, Jen?
Oh, yes, sir. Mr. Crampton
called from New York.
He did?
Well, why didn't you tell me that?
When the president of the network calls,
don't let me stand around
talking about
Abraham Lincoln's dog's doctor.
Uh, Abe Lincoln's doctor's dog, sir.
There's a difference.
I don't care what it is.
How long ago did he call?
- About an hour ago.
- An hour?
You should've called me at home.
Well, I did,
but you weren't there.
Your wife said you were
out on some deliveries.
Oh, yeah... deliveries, yeah.
Well, get him on the phone.
He said it wouldn't be
necessary to call back.
Just pick him up
at the airport next Tuesday.
He didn't want to talk to me?
Did he see the ratings?
I imagine he had,
because he asked if you had.
- He did? Where are they?
- No, they're in the other pile.
Why didn't you say so?
I'm under pressure.
- Well, he's sure in a bad mood.
- Steve!
Why did you bring up Abe Lincoln's
doctor's dog on a day like this?
- Oh, no!
- I was just trying to help.
Nothing wrong with that.
Oh, these are terrible!
These are catastrophic!
- Just relax. You'll be fine.
- Oh, sure.
You just got excited. You took
too much oxygen in your system.
I had an aunt
who had that problem.
Used to help to blow into
a paper bag. Ever tried?
I never tried that. Helped?
- She just blew right in...
- Yes.
- Don't you have anything to do?
- Yes, sir.
- Well, do it!
- I'll see you tonight, Jen.
Jen, you know I never interfere in the
personal lives of my employees, but...
...how can you stand
that boy? Blow into a paper bag.
I don't know. I guess
I'm just kind of hooked, sir.
There, there, Mama.
Everything is gonna be all right.
You'll get over it, Mama.
Don't worry.
What's the matter?
We've got to go to San Francisco.
Hi. Hey, what's the matter
with the Bernaduccis?
They have to
go to San Francisco.
That's what they said. So what's
the matter with San Francisco?
Hey, what's everybody
sniffling about?
Mr. Bernaducci's been transferred.
With all that fog and dampness,
they can't take Raffles.
- He gets colds too easily.
- Oh.
And after having him
all these years.
Don't take it so hard.
What'd they do, stick him in a zoo?
- No.
- Did they put him away or something?
No, not that!
Jen, you didn't take him?
Oh, no!
Well, I couldn't let them
put him in a zoo.
I'd have found that
real easy to do.
- Do you think he'll be happy here?
- I don't know why you're bothering.
He'll be nothing but trouble.
Steve!
Will you listen to me?
He only had three people
in this world up until tonight.
- Mr. And Mrs. Bernaducci and me.
- Aw.
Now he only has me
and I'm not going to let him down.
You're treating him
like a human being.
He's just a hard-to-get-along-with,
miserable, spoiled chimp!
Seems to me you're the one
acting hard to get along with.
Oh, I'm sorry. Look, can we
just stick him in the bedroom?
I'm not going
to do any such thing.
He has been through enough today
without locking him in some bedroom.
Now you just go in and watch TV
with him while I finish dinner.
- What are you doing to him?
- I didn't do anything to him.
Oh, he can't see
the TV from there.
"Mother Carey's Chickens. "
I guess you know,
you're witnessing one of the wildest
slam-bang football games
played anywhere.
...snapped to Humphrey.
He fakes a handoff...
Leave it alone.
What did you do to him now?
Nothing.
I didn't do anything to him.
Oh, Steve.
You changed the station.
You can't do that.
What do you mean,
I can't do that?
If he likes a program
and you change it,
he gets all upset.
He does it to me all the time.
Well, he's not gonna
do it to me. Jen.
Steve, just try and be
a little patient, okay?
Patient, my foot.
You expect me to sit here
and watch a lousy show
called Mother Carey's Chickens?
Well, it's over anyway, so
it doesn't make any difference.
It makes a lot of difference.
That chimp is spoiled rotten.
He's not spoiled. He's lonely.
Now, let him have his
own way tonight, okay?
Steve, would you please pour
the wine? Dinner's ready.
Stay tuned to this station
for Star Journey
which follows immediately.
Star Journey's coming on.
They expect that to rate number one.
Oh, good. I want to see that.
...episode of The Maxwell Family,
the program for all ages.
Maxwells. If you think we're gonna
watch that soap opera, you're crazy.
- What happened now?
- It's that creep.
He doesn't want
to watch Star Journey.
- Steve, he's not a creep.
- Well, he sure acts like one.
He did it again.
Jen, will you do something?
Steve, just let him have
his own way tonight, okay?
You mean we can't watch Star Journey
on account of that crummy chimp?
Just tonight. Please?
All right.
With all the pets in the world,
you gotta end up with a chimp
that likes bad TV!
Mother Carey's Chickens
and The Maxwell Family?
Well, who would ever figure
that those two shows
would end up on top?
Nobody in this town, that's for sure.
- Oh, hi, Rog.
- Keep moving.
Mother Carey's Chickens
and The Maxwell Family?
Huh. Hmm.
- Look, aren't these cute?
- Yeah, they're real cute.
- Steve, show some interest.
- I said, they're real cute.
I think I'll get them all.
Why don't you guys beat it, huh?
We like the chimp, mister.
Now don't do that.
Come on.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,
for watching The Fastest Gun.
It is your loyal viewing
that has made our program
one of America's
top-rated shows.
What are you doing here?
I thought I'd spend a
little time with your roommate.
- Well, how'd you get in?
- The landlady.
- She's real nice.
- She sure is.
- Can you beat that?
- Beat what?
Oh, nothing.
- Hey, Jen?
- What?
I know we're gonna go out for supper
tonight, but let's just skip it.
Well, how come?
Why should we?
Well, there's some shows
I wanted to see tonight.
We'll call Chicken Lickin',
it'll be just as much fun, honest.
Why, that little son of a gun.
He picked them all!
7:30 to 12:00.
Holy smoke, he knows!
Jen?
- He knows.
- Who knows?
Animals.
Just like in the westerns.
Nobody sees the rattlesnake because
he's hidden behind the sagebrush.
It's the horse who rears
and saves the cowboy's life.
- He knows!
- I hope so.
Oh, you're gonna thank
your lucky stars I came along.
You'll kiss the ground I walk on.
I will?
He knows. He knows!
If it happened once,
it might be an accident.
But he picks the number one show
every single night! He knows!
Hey. He knows.
- I'm gonna be rich.
- Well, that's just wonderful.
- Now may I see your driver's license?
- Sure.
Thank you. Okay.
You look just like
a friend of mine.
- Steve!
- For you!
Oh, Steve, they're beautiful!
But you really shouldn't
have spent the money.
Don't worry. There'll be a lot
more where that came from.
You know, it's a funny thing. Everything
seems to be going wrong for you.
One day you turn a corner
and your whole life changes.
All of a sudden you got the world
in your hip pocket.
- It's amazing, isn't it?
- Yeah.
Raffles?
Hey, uh, where is he, Jen?
- Oh, he's with Roger.
- Roger?
Yeah, they left
about ten minutes ago.
Why? What for?
Where'd he go?
They went for a walk.
He went for a walk with that creep?
I told you before,
he's not a creep!
How could you do this to me?
- Oh, hi, Rog.
- Hi. What are you doing here?
You were taking a walk.
I thought I'd join you.
You know, there is something
really weird going on here.
Uh, what?
I... I think that chimp
actually likes TV.
You've gotta be kidding.
No, he actually
seems to be entertained.
- Look, he really likes it.
- No, no. It's just the lights.
Certain light attracts certain animals.
That's a scientific fact.
I never heard that.
You didn't know that?
I thought everybody knew that.
I learned that
at Moonrise Night School.
On Melrose Avenue?
- What's the matter?
- I don't know.
I've never seen him act like this.
What did you do?
I didn't do anything to him.
Look, he's gone mad!
Well, you must've stepped
on his paw or something.
How could I step
on his paw from over here?
Good heav...
Uh, excuse me. Here, let me
help you. I'm terribly sorry.
Good. We got it.
Come on, fellow.
We're all through here.
Vicious little...
Keep that ape away from me.
- Come on. Over here.
- On the table.
Thank heaven you're here.
You can't believe what happened.
- We're not finished yet.
- Rog, don't worry about a thing.
We've got the bail.
We'll have you out in no time.
How could you let me be associated
with a beast like that? He's a monster.
He's not a monster. Something
just got into him, that's all.
Maybe he just doesn't
like basketball.
Oh, he doesn't?
I happen to like it very...
That thing's not a monster?
That's gonna cost you 75 bucks.
- For what? That?
- Come on, fella.
It's gonna cost at least 75 bucks
to get that thing fixed.
Okay. Who do I pay
to bail the chimp out?
- We take care of it right here.
- Wait a minute. What about me?
Gee, I'm sorry, Rog.
I'm out of money.
I gotta get some more. Don't worry.
You're bailing that chimp out and
letting me stay here in this dump?
Wait just a minute, mac.
This is a pretty nice place.
We happen to like it down here.
Well, you have to. I don't.
Steve, we aren't
gonna leave Roger here?
Gee, we've gotta be realistic
about this thing, Jen. I mean, uh...
It's Roger or the chimp,
and this is no place for a chimp.
Well, it's no place for me, either!
Wave goodbye
to Uncle Roger now.
Miserable chimp.
- Poor little guy.
- Poor little guy, my foot.
It's back to the Bernaduccis for him.
Oh, no, wait a minute.
You can't do that.
What are you getting excited about?
- I need him!
- You need him?
I mean,
I don't need him.
Why would you wanna give
a poor little guy like this away?
I mean, that's inhumane!
Inhumane?
He's the one that's inhumane.
He's already broken two TV sets
and a plate glass window.
Look, Jen, maybe he's trying
to get something out of his system.
Just give him a few days.
He'll be okay.
Okay, I'll give him till Saturday.
Good. By Saturday, he'll be
acting like a different chimp.
I guarantee it.
- I just can't understand it.
- Understand what?
Why he'd give me tickets
to take you to the ball game.
That's because you
don't understand Steve.
He has a lot of nice qualities
about him.
Like what?
Well, he's charitable.
He gave you tickets
to take me to the game.
Yeah, but I still think
there's some motive behind that.
And he's honest.
Nobody can say he's not honest.
And as far
as being trustworthy,
I don't know anyone
I would trust more than Steve.
And he's loyal and brave and...
Jen, will you forget it? You're
making him sound like a boy scout.
Come on, Raffles.
You have to believe me. I've got a
scientific approach to rating TV shows.
It'll revolutionize this whole industry.
We can put UBC right on top.
Jen, I'm going to be
very busy today.
Will you see to it that I am not
disturbed unless absolutely necessary?
I've got the key to this industry,
and he won't listen to me.
Steve, just leave
Mr. Wilbanks alone today.
Mr. Crampton's coming in
from New York,
and he's nervous as a kitten.
Wait a minute.
Crampton's coming in tomorrow?
That's perfect. Uh, look,
I won't be able to see you tonight.
I've got some homework
I want to do.
The programs of this station...
Okay, 12:30 to 1:00, channel 18.
Okay, that does it.
You can go to bed now.
You've had a hard day's work.
And if this doesn't convince them,
I don't know what will.
"Dear Mr. Crampton.
As a loyal member of the United
Broadcasting Corporation,
I must tell you that I seem
to have a strange ability
which enables me
to pick the shows
the American people like best. "
Hey, Mertons, the old limo's
looking pretty slick.
It better.
I have to pick up the big man.
Yeah, I heard about that.
Hey, listen.
Would you mind
slipping this to Crampton?
Uh, no, I can't do that.
If the boss caught me passing your
notes to the chief...
Don't worry. I got something big.
It's our chance to put the network
on top. I can prove it to Crampton.
Our network on top?
Forget it.
Guess I was mistaken.
You're another one of those.
Wait a minute.
Another one of those what?
One of those who has something
against young people.
I never said that.
What's wrong with a young
man getting ahead, anyway?
I mean, didn't William Pitt
become prime minister of England at 24?
What about Alexander Hamilton?
He signed the Declaration
of Independence at 19.
Alexander the Great. How old
was he when he conquered Macedonia?
- I forget.
- And Louis XIV.
The greatest ruler France had. You know,
he became king at the age of four.
Four?
There was even a British king who
took over when he was nine months old.
I can go through history and show people
that became great leaders at early ages.
Huh. Yeah,
but what's that got to do with...
Here he comes. I know you'll find
the time to slip it to Mr. Crampton.
- Morning, Mr. Wilbanks.
- Morning.
- Have a nice trip.
- Have a nice trip?
I'm only going to the airport.
Well, have a nice trip
to the airport.
Something must be wrong, Wilbanks.
We're always third in the ratings.
Which would be all right, but
there are only three networks!
We come up with loser after
loser, disaster after disaster.
But chief, I've been through
47 pilot films this year...
Well, maybe it's your staff.
Have you got experienced people?
Well, experience is hard
to come by, chief.
All you've got available
to you are young kids,
running around, trying to tell
you how to run your business.
Speaking of kids telling you
how to run your business,
this is for you, Mr. Crampton.
Is that from Steven Post?
Why would you
bother the chief with that?
Isn't it bad enough
that I'm bothered by him?
He says he's got a foolproof method
of determining the top-rated programs.
Hmm. He's ambitious.
He's rated all
of last night's shows.
"Check with the overnight ratings.
You'll see I'm right. "
Don't pay any attention to that kid.
He'll drive you nuts. He's 21 years old,
and thinks he should run the network.
Well, I don't think age has
anything to do with it, boss.
- I didn't ask you!
- What's wrong with a young man
running the network?
Look at William Pitt.
He was only 24,
and he was president of England.
And Alexander the Great. How old was he
when he conquered Macedonia?
How would I know?
Just drive the car.
Look at all them little kids
that was kings of different countries.
Like this little kid
that was only four years old,
and he was king of France.
And there's one kid,
he was the king of England,
he was only nine months!
Nine months? A person became
king of England at nine months?
I don't remember anything about that.
You don't?
- Tell him to drive the car.
- Drive the car.
You rated every show
exactly like our rating service.
How'd you do that, young man?
I guess I just have an instinct
for what people like.
He's got an instinct for
getting people in trouble.
Just a minute.
- You can't listen to punks.
- Francis.
Francis!
I'm out here to replace
some shows that...
Well, they're not doing too well.
How would you like to look
at some new films with me?
- I'd be honored.
- That's carrying it too far.
I think I could do a lot better
if I took them home.
My powers of concentration
are stronger that way.
Never mind.
No film leaves this studio.
That's company policy.
He's right.
Just be in our viewing room at 6:00.
Francis, we'll see how good
the boy really is.
That looks good.
It's encouraging.
Yeah, I think
we're on the right track.
- What was that?
- What?
What was that?
One of our plumbers, sir.
He's a terrific little guy. Really.
Shortest plumber I've ever seen.
I hope you're paying minimum.
- I don't hire the plumbers.
- You coming?
- I'll be right up.
- Find out who hires plumbers.
Stan, don't use the mail elevator
for a couple of minutes.
- I got some important stuff on it.
- Sure, Steve.
Jen! Uh, hi.
What have you been up to?
I've been looking for you all day.
Oh, kind of in and out.
You know how it is. What's up?
Well, I wanted to talk to you.
I'm worried about my chimp.
He's calmed down like
you said, but maybe too much.
- Uh, uh, what do you mean?
- He doesn't seem to be himself.
He has no energy,
no spunk, nothing.
He's even stopped watching TV.
He probably got a hold of
bad bananas or something.
Bananas?
Would they bother a chimp?
Uh, sure. If he got a hold
of some bad ones, they would.
Hmm.
Steve, what's the matter with you?
You seem nervous.
Uh, I gotta go to that screening.
You know,
big shots and everything.
It's already started.
What are you standing here for?
Uh, I was just waiting
for some mail to come up.
Then you have
to push the button.
Yeah. I was just thinking
about doing that.
What is the matter with you?
You act like you're
trying to get rid of me.
Oh, Jen, you know
I'd never do a thing like that.
If you want a ride home,
you better come on.
Okay.
You know, Steve,
sometimes you act really weird.
I'll see you later, Jen.
Is that you, Post?
Uh, yes, sir. Sorry I'm late.
Yes. Well, we're showing a few scenes
from The Happy Harringtons first.
We're confident
it's our strongest replacement show.
But feel free
to have your own opinion.
Thank you, sir.
- What was that?
- I didn't say anything.
I get asthma
every once in a while.
You better have that checked.
That's the worst I've heard.
Post, if you don't like
the show, just say so!
Uh, I'm sorry, sir.
I, uh, I think I'll get
my asthma spray.
I keep it in the projection booth.
Why would he keep his
asthma spray in the projection booth?
- Well, he... I don't know.
- Oh, you don't know.
Can you ever answer anything
but "I don't know"?
- Stevie.
- Hi, Tom.
What do you got,
a replacement for Wilbanks?
No, he's a pet.
I'm watching him for a friend.
Hey, he's really great.
I gotta go back.
How about him watching from here?
- He won't be any problem.
- Sure.
I'm glad to have someone to talk to.
It gets lonely in here by yourself.
Now, don't let me down.
Thanks a lot, Tom.
Sure, Steve.
UBC proudly presents...
...Devil Dan!
Dumb kid. I told him to save
this for the last, chief.
I'm sorry about this. Save it!
I know it isn't much,
but we have to look at them all.
Don't save it!
Devil Dan?
Audience appeal?
- You've gotta be kidding.
- Not at all.
Devil Dan would start
this network to the top.
Yes, well, my boy,
I think we at the network
have our fingers
on the pulse of the public,
and it reads
Happy Harringtons to us.
But sir, people just won't buy that
stuff anymore. That show is a dog.
Well, yes, we do appreciate
your suggestion.
If we ever need you again,
we'll be sure and get in touch.
- Ruthless, bald audacity.
- That's what I'm trying to tell you.
That boy is blind to everything human...
Figure a way
to quietly get rid of him.
Oh, I can handle that.
I'm going east, I'll take care
of things there. Get hold of publicity.
The Happy Harringtons
are replacing Riot Squadron Saturday.
Tell them we want
a big splurge on it.
Right, chief. I'll take care
of it on this end. Right.
They just won't listen.
Nobody will listen.
They were nice enough
to ask you to see the film.
You gave them your opinion,
they didn't like it.
- You can't blame them.
- But they're wrong, Jen.
Well, how do you know
they're wrong?
I just know it. I really know it!
And I know of a way
to make them listen too.
Can I have your attention?
Your attention.
Thank you. I want you all
to make yourselves comfortable,
and I want you
to enjoy yourselves.
But I would suggest that you hold
your applause until after the show.
That way you won't miss
any of the jokes.
Ladies and gentlemen,
stay tuned for UBC's hilarious new show,
The Happy Harringtons!
UBC proudly presents...
...Devil Dan!
- Devil Dan?
- How did that happen?
What's going on here? In all my years,
I've never seen this happen.
It's those boobs
in the transmitting room.
I'll get to the bottom of this
if I have to fire every one.
Get me a phone.
There's no sense
in calling anyone.
You see, I changed the program.
You?
Yes, sir. I know it may seem
a little upsetting right now,
but believe me, it's in the
best interest of the company.
Do you realize that you have
altered the will of a network?
And I, uh, I suppose
you want me to resign?
No. You're fired.
Mr. Wilbanks,
New York on the phone.
That's Crampton!
What am I going to tell Crampton?
- Steve.
- Hey, look, Jen, don't worry.
Everything's gonna be okay, really.
Big dummy.
You see?
That's what happens
when you have
a Moonrise Night School man
in the network business.
Why don't you shut up?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Where are you going?
- I guess I'll get a hamburger.
Well, I'm kinda hungry too.
Look, Jen, maybe you'd
better go back inside.
I mean, uh,
I'm not really the most popular guy
in the world right now.
- You really want a hamburger?
- Uh-huh.
You look kinda funny
riding back there.
Who said I was afraid
of looking funny?
Holy mackerel!
Oh, good morning,
Mr. Wilbanks!
Oh, Mr. Wilbanks!
Say, that was really something.
A real touch of genius.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
Hey, that was terrific.
How'd you come up with something
like that? Congratulations.
I beg your pardon?
Very clever, Wilbanks.
Congratulations.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
- Just a minute.
- Can you tell me what all...
- Mr. Wilbanks, New York.
- Oh. Hello?
What time do you get to work? I've
spent half the day trying to reach you.
Oh, you see, there's a
three hour time difference,
and where it's 12:00 noon
in New York, out here it's only...
Don't tell me what time it is
in New York. Get him!
- Who?
- Who?
Haven't you read
the trade papers yet?
Trade papers? Uh...
- Wilbanks?
- Oh, no! How...
- Wilbanks, are you there?
- Uh, yes, I'm... I'm here.
Well, listen, sign him to a contract.
We don't want anyone
stealing him from us.
But, uh, chief, I fired him.
- You what?
- Well, don't you remember?
I told you on the phone,
and you told me...
Don't tell me what I told you.
I know what I told you.
Just get that boy back.
He's a genius!
Uh, I'll certainly
do my best, chief,
but I don't know whether...
Of course
you don't know whether.
I'll be out tomorrow.
Have that boy in your office at 1:00.
And have the press there.
From now on,
I'll manage this myself!
On behalf of the board of
directors of this network,
I take great pleasure
in the following announcement.
Steven Post has been made
our new program director.
- A boy that age, program director?
- What's the matter with a boy that age?
Look at William Pitt.
He was prime minister
of England when he was only 24.
And Alexander the Great? How old
was he when he conquered Macedonia?
No, we here at the network
are convinced that Steven Post
is a young man of unique talent,
well-qualified to join
the executive team
that will lead UBC
to the very top.
If the kid's going
to be program director,
what's going to happen to Wilbanks?
Oh, we haven't forgotten
Mr. Wilbanks. He's moved on too.
He'll be vice president
in charge of cultural relations.
- What's that?
- We'll let Wilbanks explain.
- What is it, Mr. Wilbanks?
- That's very...
You see, whenever we have the...
Uh, I don't know what it is.
Steve, it's so wonderful.
Huh? Yeah.
Yeah, well, uh...
Mr. Crampton thought
I ought to have a place
where I can kinda,
oh, entertain and stuff.
On account of my new job,
you know?
Oh, Steve,
I'm so happy for you.
You should be
so proud of yourself.
And just think,
you did it all on your own.
Yeah.
Hey!
Come on, sweetheart.
Thattaboy. Come on, baby.
Thattaboy. There you go.
Yeah, I love you too.
Watch the movie.
How about this one, Post?
- I don't know yet.
- He doesn't know yet.
No, he wants to run it.
- It's good.
- Oh, another winner.
Yeah, yeah, he likes it.
Yeah.
Congratulations, Steve.
Uh, on what?
On the award you're
gonna win tonight.
Hey, look, Jen,
I haven't won that yet.
Well, you will. If you're
not TV man of the year, who is?
Uh, Jen...
When are you gonna tell me
about those locks?
There? Uh...
I can't.
Well, you see,
it's kinda like my war room.
It's where I make all my decisions.
It's, uh...
It's very private.
Well, do I ever get to see?
Yeah, I'll show you sometime.
- Steve, what's the matter?
- Nothing.
- Uh, I was just thinking.
- About what?
Ah, it's a lot of stuff
you wouldn't understand.
I might.
Well, I was thinking
about people.
People like Vasco da Gama.
- Like who?
- Yeah, he was a discoverer.
- He discovered the West Indies.
- I know, but...
Isn't it just as good to
discover something as invent it?
- I guess.
- Where would we be
if people didn't discover things?
Just like some great scientist who...
Well, maybe he's not so great,
but he discovers a lab assistant
who's doing all the work.
But the scientist
takes all the credit. Why?
Because he discovered him.
Well, there's nothing
wrong with that, is there?
No, I guess not.
Good. That's the way
I had it figured.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the most coveted prize of all:
TV's "Man of the Year" award.
And the winner is...
...Steven Post,
- Yeah! Yeah!
President of the
United Broadcasting Corporation.
President?
Vice president.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry.
I mean, vice president.
But at any rate,
Steven Post is television's
man of the year!
And now the key.
Congratulations, Crampton.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- You have a fine young man.
Thank you, Clifford.
We're proud of him.
You should be. Your sponsors seem
to like him. Gave him a nice little car.
Yes, he's a man who's
going right to the top.
The very top, indeed.
Francis.
Excuse us, girls.
We gotta do something about that boy.
We've built a Frankenstein.
- We have. He's already got my job.
- But now it's getting serious.
- Now it's getting serious?
- How does the boy do it?
I don't know how.
I just know he's not smart enough
to do it on his own.
- What have you done about it?
- What should I do?
- I'm in cultural relations.
- The basics, man. The basics.
Have you searched his office,
grilled his secretary,
tapped his phone,
had him followed?
No. Wouldn't that be unethical?
Unethical?
Get with it, Wilbanks.
It's a desperate situation.
It requires desperate means.
Find out how that boy is doing it!
Hasta la vista,
Senor Post.
Hasta, hasta.
Hello in there.
Can you hear me?
Are you a prisoner?
Knock twice
if you can hear me.
Thank heaven.
I'm a friend.
I beg your pardon?
He sounds gagged!
That dirty, ruthless...
Hey, I'm back!
Oh!
Okay, okay!
Okay! Don't go wild!
Hey, take it easy.
Wait a minute. Not the ballet.
That'll wreck your taste for sure.
You're supposed
to pick the top-rated shows.
You got that finger of yours
on the heartbeat of America.
Don't louse it up!
I'll put on some coffee, then we'll
take a look at those new pilots.
You want some pizza
tonight? I got two kinds.
Plain and with pepperoni.
You want the pepperoni?
Okay, you get the plain one.
Okay, it's ready!
All right. Showtime.
Now, one of these days, I'm
gonna show you how to thread this thing.
I keep forgetting that.
It'd sure be great if you
could pick another Devil Dan.
Who was in the room?
That's what I wanna know.
Well, first of all,
there were three television sets
in front of three chairs.
- Three sets?
- Yeah, and a projector and a screen.
Then there was this tree with
a whole bunch of bananas on it.
Bananas? Ba...
That could be it.
- Bananas could be brain food.
- Oh, yeah. They are.
Jen, get me Dr. Schmidt
in Research on the phone.
- I'm sure he's gone home.
- I know he's gone home.
Get him on the phone.
He's probably got...
- What is it, Roger?
- It's not bananas.
It's that phantom roommate
he keeps locked up.
I looked everywhere,
but I couldn't see him.
They were talking,
but I couldn't see him.
Well, let's get down to basics.
Tell me what you did see,
and don't tell me about the
thing around your leg again.
It was weird.
Whoever it was was wearing
a little red cap
with a blue bon-bon
on the top.
- It was just gliding along.
- Hello? Hello?
There were empty
banana skins everywhere.
And then, this hairy arm
grabbed me right in the closet.
It was hideous. There
was no head, no body, no feet.
- Hello?
- Just a hairy arm.
Jen, what are you doing?
- Excuse me.
- Dr. Schmidt, Francis Wilbanks.
Uh, tell me, doctor,
are bananas brain food?
Bananas? Brain food?
Well, I couldn't say for sure,
but I do recall a certain tribe in New
Guinea who subscribed to the theory
that bananas were indeed, a brain food.
- Oh, hi, Jen.
- Hello, Vasco da Gama.
- What?
- Oh, you know.
He was the one who
discovered the West Indies.
He was a discoverer. Discoverers
are just as important as inventors.
Like the mad scientist who keeps
his assistant locked in the basement.
I didn't say anything
about a scientist.
- I want my chimp.
- What?
I know, Steve.
They never listened to me, Jen.
They wouldn't have for a million years!
Steve, open this door.
I didn't even have a car.
I had a motorcycle.
Now I got a DeTomaso Mangusta.
A brand-new DeTomaso Mangusta.
I mean it, Steve.
Now, you open that door!
Uh... Look, Jen.
I did it for you.
I mean, why would you ever
want to marry a mail boy?
I kidded myself, but that's
all I knew I'd ever be.
You never said you
wanted to marry me.
Well, uh...
That's because I was a mail boy.
I mean, uh,
I didn't even have a car.
Just a motorcycle.
I told you before, there's nothing
the matter with a motorcycle.
Uh, I guess he
recognized your voice.
I'm kinda glad you...
you found out. I...
I was trying to figure out
a way to tell you.
You see, Jen, it is working.
He is happy.
Look, we could have it all.
I'm not hurting anybody, either.
I guess you've been
treating him pretty good.
Why don't, um...
Why don't we just
keep it in the family?
Okay, he can stay.
But remember,
I get visitation rights.
Yeah.
Hey, Steve.
Hey, you're looking really sharp.
- New job.
- Yeah.
What happened to that chimp
you used to bring around?
Not so loud. Not around here.
Yeah? I mean, he sure
liked Devil Dan, didn't he?
I mean, I've never seen
anything like it. He just...
The manager said room 1123
is directly across
from Post's apartment.
- Now we'll see.
- Oh, see what?
I can understand
your skepticism, Uncle.
This has been a gigantic puzzle,
but I put the pieces together,
and they all fit.
Oh, fit, my foot.
This is ridiculous.
I didn't believe
a mail boy could do it.
I'm not gonna believe a chimp can do it.
- It's a wild goose chase.
- You mean, wild monkey chase.
It's not funny.
- Stop that simple laughing.
- Sorry, boss.
I don't like this.
I don't like it at all.
There must be something criminal.
Oh, Uncle, we're not
doing anything criminal.
Then why do I feel
like a peeping Tom?
Okay. Look.
Well, so what? It's just
that mail boy sitting there
all by himself, looking at TV.
Look. Quick, quick! Look.
Good heavens.
I think we finally
may be getting somewhere.
Here! See what I mean?
See what I...
Yes, I do.
He's watching Smuggler's Gold.
That's the number one-rated show.
That's what I've been trying to tell
you. The chimp is picking the shows.
Well, we can't really tell. He might
not even know what he's looking at.
Oh, a commercial break.
Wilbanks, he knows!
He really knows. He got
a beer during the commercial.
Proof positive.
Oh, that's a sure
sign if I've ever seen one.
Wilbanks, get that chimp.
- What are we doing here?
- Just follow me.
I didn't get where I am without
planning ahead. Come on.
Hey, boss, don't ya think
it'd be better if I stayed here
- and cut people off at the pass?
- Cut them off at the pass?
You don't want people
bothering you out on the ledge.
Will you stop that
silly talk and come on?
But, boss, I...
I get sick when I look down.
Well, then look up.
I have the same problem
when I look up.
Get prepared to be sick.
I can't handle that chimp by myself.
But, boss...
Will you stop
that simple wheezing?
I can't help it. This always
happens to me at high altitudes.
You're only 200 feet up.
Let go of me.
Ohhhhh!
I told you to stay with me.
A- ha! Hello, little fella.
Let's go for a walk, huh?
That's a good fella.
That's the worst experience
I ever had.
Yeah. The door, the door. Come on.
Boss, the door is locked.
Uh... Well, of course it's locked.
You don't expect him
to leave it open
with a valuable chimp
like that in here, do you?
We're not going
out there again, are we?
Why not? The chimp isn't afraid.
He's used to swinging
around in high places.
Come on!
Oh, no! Now you
did it with that wheezing.
- You scared the chimp.
- Sorry, boss.
Sorry doesn't feed the bulldog.
Where'd he go?
- There he is.
- Where?
Boss, help!
Stop wheezing!
What are you doing?
Wait! Ow!
Help! Oh!
Not the tie, not the tie!
Ah! Get the...
Oh, get the... Oh! Oh.
Oh, just watch it. Oh.
Now, don't touch me.
Just don't touch me.
Yes, boss.
I can't understand
what happened to your car.
I guess they had
to gas it up or something.
- That's okay. I'm in no hurry.
- I better check.
How did you get down here?
Oh, no.
What do we do now?
Now don't panic.
We'll just crawl back
in the kid's room.
He's bound to have a phone and we'll
call somebody and have them get us.
Oh, I left that darn window
open too far.
No more open window for you.
I'll see you later.
How'd he get back in there?
How would I know?
This is locked too.
What do we do?
Well, maybe he can unlock it.
He seems able
to do everything else.
For the last time,
will you stop that wheezing?
Little fella?
Turn the handle.
You're gonna love it.
That's it. Yes.
There you go. Yes. Yes.
- You're not gonna start that?
- I can't help it, boss.
We don't have to stand up again?
Of course we have to stand up!
Get up! Get up!
Maybe we can attract some attention,
help get off of this thing.
Boss, this is awful.
Stop hiccupping! First you
wheeze and then you hiccup!
I can't help it.
I hiccup when I get nervous.
Stop it! I can't stand it!
Don't you understand that?
- Just try holding your breath.
- That never works with me.
Maybe if you get me a glass
of water. That sometimes helps.
All right. I'll get...
How can I get you a glass of water?
I can't...
Come on! Glass of water.
It's an ambulance, police cars.
Well, you wanted
to attract attention.
Oh, here we go again.
K-7, this is 10-Sugar-Charlie.
Come in.
We're here. The report checks out.
We got a couple of nuts
trying to commit suicide.
Give me that thing.
All right, now, just...
just take it easy up there.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Above all, don't jump.
He thinks we're gonna jump.
No, we're not going to jump!
Hey, boss,
I'm losing my buttons.
We almost lost one that time.
This is gonna be a tough one, Vince.
Here, take this outta the way.
Take it over to the truck.
Bring them in.
Bring them on in.
Hey, the fire engines
are stopping here.
Do you smell smoke?
No, I don't smell smoke.
The building isn't on fire.
Stop the wheezing, will you?
Please stop! First you wheeze,
then hiccup, then wheeze again!
You're enough to
drive anybody nuts!
- Oh, I am, am I?
- Yes!
Well, you're my boss.
Maybe I shouldn't say this,
but you've been complaining
ever since we've been up here.
If you don't like the way
I wheeze and hiccup,
why don't you go find
your own ledge to stand on?
What?
Maybe they're coming
to rescue us.
They're not coming to rescue us.
That's our news helicopter.
Our own network
is taking pictures of us?
That's exactly what I mean.
We interrupt to bring you
a newscast of a suicide try
on Wilshire Boulevard in Los ngeles.
Oh, isn't it sad how many nuts
are running around loose today?
It certainly is, sweetheart.
Our special UBC helicopter
enables us to bring you
an exclusive close-up view
of the pair attempting suicide.
These pictures,
live from the scene.
There you are.
Another first for UBC.
Oh, no!
Oh, now I've had experience
of this type of thing before.
Anything can make them
panicky and jump.
May I have the mike, please?
Now, gentlemen, remain calm.
No problem can't be solved.
Will you listen to me,
gentlemen, now? I repeat:
There is no problem
that cannot be solved.
- What'd he say?
- I don't know.
Sounds like some kind
of a foreign language.
Now, it must be very cold up there.
Why don't you go in
and get some coffee?
It's Father O'Leary
from St. Timothy's.
What's he doing here?
He probably came over
to talk us out of suicide.
He can talk me out of it real easy.
Now hang on, men.
- Hang on for one more minute.
- The life net's ready now.
Oh, good. Very good.
Come with me, Vince.
Oh, I'm ruined. I'm ruined!
What's Crampton gonna say?
You lame brain.
You thick-skulled, pin-headed,
dim-witted bumbler!
- Hey, boss, look. A net.
- Huh?
You don't suppose
they expect us to jump?
No, that's probably
just there for safety.
If Father O'Leary gets up here,
I'm gonna have him
sneak me out the back way.
I helped him with
his bazaar last year.
Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Stop right
where you are. Don't move!
- Father O'Leary!
- Where?
I wanted
to go out the back way!
Over that way!
That's it.
Ease it over here.
Why would he try
to commit suicide?
Get the chimp!
Get the chimp! It's not bananas!
It's not bananas,
it's the chimp!
He picks the shows, believe me.
He knows. It's the chimp.
Bananas don't have anything
to do with it. Get the chimp.
It's the chimp.
He's the one. Help! Help!
There was a chimp,
came down the building before
they discovered those guys up there.
It belonged to Steven Post.
Steven Post?
The TV wonder boy?
- There's the other one.
- This one was out with him.
What were
you doing up there?
I was walking along on the tenth floor
and I seen
this nut out on the ledge.
So I went out there to try
to talk him out of jumping.
- Then this window got stuck...
- Wait a minute.
You didn't happen to see him.
You work for Wilbanks.
- Everyone knows that. Come on.
- Talk him out of jumping?
Please, what are you
talking about?
All right!
Hold it! Hold it!
Look. We're gonna arrive
at the truth of this thing,
so you might as well tell us now.
Well, my boss wanted me to
help him get this kid's chimp.
The chimp belongs to Steven Post?
What'd he want him for?
Come on! Out with it!
Well, it sounds kinda crazy but,
my boss thinks the chimp
can pick the best TV shows.
Pretty funny, huh?
- Excuse me!
- Yeah, what?
This story about a chimp
selecting our TV shows.
- What about it?
- Well, do you believe it?
Of course, I believe it.
I knew it all the time.
Uh, madam?
What do you think of the rumor
of a chimp selecting our TV shows?
A chimp picking TV shows?
Ridiculous.
Well, you know
how those rumors get started.
- I know I...
- Wait a minute!
Those stations have been switching and
canceling my favorite shows for years.
Maybe a chimp
is behind this mess.
- Oh, no.
- It's a plot.
- You're all in on it.
- We have nothing...
I am so sick and tired
of liking a show
and having it pulled off
the air or put in another time.
- Madam...
- It drives you crazy.
I'm getting to the point, I'd like to
take the TV and throw it out the window.
The last show I liked,
they took off the air.
The minute I got to like it, off the
air. How do I know what happened?
I don't know what happened to John.
Has the man from the Justice
Department arrived yet?
- Everybody's here, sir.
- Good.
That's good.
Gentlemen, television
has had problems before.
We can work this one out
if we keep cool heads!
"Keep cool heads. "
Your Wilbanks says you've
got a monkey picking programs,
and you want us
to "keep cool heads. "
- I was delirious.
- Don't give us that!
For ten years you've been
the third-rated network.
Suddenly, you jump to number one.
Now, there has to be a reason.
You don't have
the personnel to do that.
Just a minute.
I've plenty of personnel.
- I have...
- Oh, shut up.
Mr. Crampton.
We've had a tacit understanding
to share technological advances.
It seems to me that you've
betrayed that understanding.
- We have not.
- Just a minute.
I must speak
for the Justice Department.
We can have no understandings
between networks,
- tacit or otherwise.
- Oh, come on, Harry.
How can the Department call
a little chimpanzee a tech...
- So there's a chimp.
- Then there is a chimp?
Gentlemen, please.
Admittedly, there is a chimp.
And he does like TV.
And it seems he does
prefer the top-rated shows.
And he does go to the refrigerator
and get a beer during the commercials.
Gentlemen!
If the American people ever
found out that a chimpanzee
was selecting programs,
it would be the end of TV.
Gentlemen.
I have a simple solution
to the whole problem.
- Yes?
- We must destroy the chimp.
Oh, no, no.
I can't see it at all.
- We can't do that.
- Oh, no. We couldn't...
Why, we'd have those societies for the
prevention of things all over our backs.
That would be the end
of our dog food accounts.
- I think I have an idea.
- I hope it's better than the bananas.
It's practical and humane.
You see, a chimp belongs in a
jungle, not in a network office.
We know that, Dr. Schmidt.
That's the problem.
What we do is buy the chimp,
return him to the jungle.
He'll be happy, the networks
will continue on as usual
and we will be rid of
Steven Post once and for all!
Brilliant, Schmidt, brilliant.
Bravo! Beautiful!
That's the one.
We certainly have the money.
And every man has his price.
So that's what they think, huh?
Every man's got his price.
Well, don't worry. I don't.
Steve, why don't we take him
and blow this place?
Forget this whole rat race.
I don't want them
to put him in a jungle.
Jen, they can't get to me.
I can't be bought.
$500,000.
Right.
$500,000. That's a...
That's a lot of money.
Well, of course it's a lot of money.
How can you even hesitate?
- Well, I don't know...
- Your future is on the line.
Now you listen to this.
You turn us down,
you'll never work again.
Come on. Be smart, boy.
- I, uh... I have a problem.
- A problem?
Yes, sir. You see, someone else
is involved and I...
Son, no more bickering.
All right.
This will be our final offer.
Take it or leave it.
One million dollars.
One million dollars.
You did it.
- You took the money.
- One million dollars, Jen.
You know what they're
going to do with him.
It was take it or leave it.
Besides, maybe a chimp
does belong in the jungle.
- Not that one.
- Jen.
We can get married now.
We've got everything.
I thought we did for a while.
Now we have nothing.
I don't even think
I like you very much anymore.
Boss. What I don't
understand is why do you have to go?
Well, it's just
too important a mission
to trust to, uh, underlings.
Yeah, but all
the other networks are here.
Oh, I get it.
You don't trust each other.
Well, of course
we trust each other.
Where would you get
a ridiculous idea like that?
It's just that we're getting together
to have a little, uh, outing.
Yes. And you're in charge
while we're gone.
Me in charge?
You're kidding?
We've never been more serious!
Well, what am I supposed to do?
Absolutely nothing. If anyone asks a
question, you don't know the answer.
Anyone wants a decision, stall.
Don't do anything at all!
Do you think you can handle that?
Yeah.
Now what?
Uh, Mr. Wilbanks,
can I talk to you for a minute?
- About what?
- Well, uh...
You see, I was wondering
if maybe you'd reconsider.
I give you the million dollars back,
you give me the chimp?
Well, certainly not, Post.
Are you crazy? A deal is a deal.
- That's all there is to it!
- Of all the nerve!
All set, Uncle.
Mertons is in charge till we get
back. Help him all you can.
Mertons is in charge?
Now, open the door, Roger.
Gee, I'm sorry, Steve.
But I guess you
can't have everything.
Boy, I'd sure do it different
if I had another chance.
Boy, you gentlemen sure
picked an isolated spot.
I don't think this place
has ever been explored.
Well, uh, don't worry,
about the chimp.
He's used to
fending for himself.
Okay, if you'll clear this area,
I'm gonna open this and there's gonna
be suction. I don't want to lose you.
Right. We'll watch it from back there.
Okay, uh, take it easy
back there, huh, gentlemen?
And by all means, uh, don't
touch any of those levers.
Don't worry about that chute. It's
guaranteed to open in ten seconds.
Oh! Don't touch that lever. Oh.
That's a no-no. Ooh.
Don't do that. No, no, no.
- Are you comfortable, chief?
- Just fine.
As soon as the chimp is out,
we'll have lunch.
- Oh, that'll be nice.
- All right.
Here we go. Open up.
Out we go. Jump. Jump.
When you throw him out,
be sure you throw him far enough
so he's in the pictures!
Here we go. Out we go. No?
- Will you throw him out?
- I don't think he wants to go.
I don't think he wants to go.
Put your foot out. Here we go.
- Get rid of him!
- Foot up. Come on. Get out.
Oh, Mr. Crampton!
I think I can
explain this, guys.
We were cruising up there
at 2,000 feet, and the wind...
Hello? Oh, Steve!
Yeah. Yeah. I...
I seem to be calling
for a friend of yours.
Say, uh, this is gonna be
hard to believe
but you remember that chance
you were talking about?
Well, ya got it!
Yeah!
It was that simple. I gave Mertons
the million, and he gave me the chimp.
It must have been tough
to give up all that money.
Mertons needed it to finance a force
to find Wilbanks and the rest of them.
You know, when you think about
it, it wasn't even my money.
It was yours. He's your chimp.
You mean, I gave up
a million bucks?
Yep.
You know what, Steve? I don't
even think we're gonna miss it.
And now an exclusive.
Steven Post,
television's man of the year,
resigned his position today
as vice president of UBC,
and took as his bride,
Miss Jennifer Scott,
his private secretary
and childhood sweetheart.
Their honeymoon destination
is unknown,
but wherever they go,
their many friends
wish this storybook couple
the storybook ending:
That they live
happily ever after.
That crazy movin' groovin' kid
who just won't stop
He's gonna rearrange
the good ol' status quo
And get it all together
With the things he's got to know
He's gonna make it
He's gonna make it
He's gonna take this
cockeyed world and shake it
He's gonna show them
he's a winner in the end
With a little bit of luck
And a little bitty barefoot friend
When they start rappin'
that he's too young
He makes his mind up
that he'll wind up number one
And the whole wide world
will know that he's around
Though other cats get uptight
and try to put him down
He's gonna make it
He's gonna make it
He's gonna take this
cockeyed world and shake it
He's gonna show them
he's a winner in the end
With a little bit of luck
And a little bitty barefoot friend
When they start rappin'
that he's too young
He makes his mind up
that he'll wind up number one
And the whole wide world
will know that he's around
Though other cats get uptight
and try to put him down
He's gonna make it
He's gonna make it
He's gonna take this
cockeyed world and shake it
He's gonna show them
he's a winner in the end
With a little bit of luck
And a little bitty barefoot friend
- He's gonna make it
- Little bitty barefoot friend
Little bitty barefoot friend
Hi, Mark.
Come on, Jen.
It's almost over.
I'll be there in a minute.
I told Steve I'd wait for him.
I suppose he's at that
crummy night school again.
Roger, everyone can't be
a Stanford man.
Unfortunately.
But he drives everyone nuts.
Especially Uncle.
Well, he won't bother him tonight.
Anyone who graduates
from the Moonrise Night School
on Melrose Avenue
is certainly not gonna
make it at the network.
- Hi, Rog.
- Steve, it's about time.
Yeah. We had this guest lecturer.
This guy had a great idea about a story
on Abe Lincoln's doctor's dog.
It was a great idea.
- Don't mention it tonight.
- Yeah, okay.
- Hey, how's the show going?
- Not very well.
- I haven't heard any laughs.
- I'm not surprised.
I saw it, it's a bomb.
If Wilbanks'd just listen to me.
You promised
you wouldn't say anything.
- Who's saying anything?
- Shh.
Thank you. Thank you.
How'd you like...? What did you...?
Did you...?
Harry, what did you think?
Regardless of my personal
feelings, Mr. Wilbanks,
I think this show will have
a very good rating.
What do you mean, "regardless
of your personal feelings"?
Well, I... I just don't happen
to like TV very much, that's all.
He doesn't like TV.
He's the morning program director.
- Steve, please be quiet.
- Charming.
- I mean, simply charming.
- Ahhh.
- Loved it.
- Thank you.
- Some of them liked it.
- Jen, telephone.
Of course they seemed to like it.
He's vice president
in charge of programming.
Can you imagine what he'd do
if someone didn't seem to like it?
Yes, operator. Mr. Wilbanks,
international calling.
- It's Farnsworth.
- Farnsworth. That vulture.
- Now, really, he isn't that bad.
- Yes, he is. I know that man.
Every time he thinks I'm in trouble,
he calls me up and congratulates me.
I tell you, he does it every time.
Hello, Farnsworth.
What a show, Francis.
What a show.
- Thank you, Farnsworth.
- It was so, so... different.
- Different?
- Yes, absolutely.
Incidentally, Clifford dropped by.
He sends regards from his
entire staff at Continental.
- Hiya, Francis.
- Hello, Clifford.
Well, I'm glad you liked it, Farnsworth,
because, you see,
what I was trying to do...
We'll have lunch
and talk about it.
Well, good night, Francis,
you old scoundrel.
You've done it again.
Well, I know I'm in trouble.
They both congratulated me.
Oh, well, don't worry. It's what
our big brass thinks that counts.
But what do they think?
There hasn't been a word
from New York. Roger!
- Yes, sir?
- Don't sneak up on me.
Get me New York.
They're lolling around there
in the lap of luxury.
We put on a new show.
The president of the network
doesn't call and tell me
what he thinks of it.
- Hi-line, Crampton, New York.
- Good boy. He gets right...
- What did you think of it?
- Oh, well, the...
- The audience liked it.
- Yes, they did.
But I'm still worried.
Uncle Francis, I think you
always over-worry our first show.
Is that what you think?
Well, let's hope
that's the case this time.
Yes, sir, here he is.
Hello, chief!
How'd you like the show?
Just fine, Wilbanks. Fine!
Is there somebody there with you?
Our sponsors are here.
They watched the show with me.
Oh, the sponsors are there. Well,
what did they think of the show?
They thought it was fine too,
just fine.
- How'd the showing go out there?
- Fine, just fine.
Several people laughed so hard
they fell off their chairs.
In fact, some of them
are still applauding.
Well, the ratings
will be out in the morning.
- They'll tell us the story, Francis.
- Yes, they certainly will.
- Good night, Francis.
- Good night, chief.
Cut!
Not now,
for heaven's sakes.
Ratings. That's all
they think about are ratings.
We get great audience response.
You heard them clapping yourself.
And they're worried about the ratings.
It's enough to give a man
nervous prostration.
You look a little pale.
Maybe I should get your pills.
Yes, I feel a little pale.
Get my pills.
Love that casting, Francis.
Love that casting!
Yeah, wasn't it good? The fellow
with the hat? Didn't you like him?
Oh, Jen, uh, what'd you
think of the show?
Well, I thought it had
certain possibilities.
Did you? I'm glad to hear...
- I thought next time, you could...
- Post! Not tonight!
Oh, he never listens.
He'll never listen!
Steve, did you slip him a note?
Jen, all he needs
is one good program idea.
Steve!
Mertons, will you stop blowing
that infernal horn?
- Wanted you to know I was here.
- I know you're here.
The neighborhood knows. You'd
think you were picking up your date.
And will you stop with the dusting?
I'm in a hurry today!
Yes, boss.
Charlie, get off your bicycle,
and put that paper on the porch.
I'm just sick and tired of digging it
out of the bushes every day.
Careless,
incompetent kids,
grow up that way,
then come to the networks.
No wonder we're having these problems.
Say, boss, would you ask Wilma
to move her car?
No, Wilma can't move her car!
You've got a reverse gear
in this thing.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, my bike!
- My bike! My brand-new bike!
- Now look what you've done.
Yeah, careless,
incompetent kids, huh?
Not him. You!
Well, don't worry about the bike...
But the papers.
If I don't deliver them,
I won't win that trip to Catalina.
I've been working all year
on that trip to Catalina.
Well, he's been working
all year on the...
Oh, put the darn papers
in the car!
How I ever let myself get saddled with
my wife's relatives, I'll never know.
- Hi, Steve.
- Hi, Jen.
I, uh, got something here
for Wilbanks.
Steve, you're supposed to
deliver the mail, not read it.
- It doesn't hurt anything.
- Keep moving.
Mr. Wilbanks should be here
any second.
You know how upset he gets
when he sees you hanging around.
- He's not in yet?
- Mm-mm.
I can't say I blame him
after that show last night.
Steve, please just forget
about last night's show.
Okay. I've seen disasters in my time,
but that one really takes the cake.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Did you happen to get my note?
- Yes.
Every time I put my hand
in my pocket, I got your note.
Now you listen to me, Steven. I'm not
interested in your theories on ratings.
And I'm certainly not interested
in doing a show called
Abraham Lincoln's Doctor's Dog,
whatever that is.
What is it?
Uh, well, sir, it's very interesting.
You see, we had a guest speaker
from our school last night.
A Mr. E.Z. Potter.
You've probably heard of him.
- E.Z. Potter?
- Yes. He's from up north.
- Up north? Where up north?
- Tulare.
- Tulare?
- Yeah.
He's got a surefire approach
for making a top-rated TV show.
- He does?
- And it's very logical too.
It's been historically proven
that the American people
have always preferred stories
about, number one, Abe Lincoln,
number two, doctors
and number three, dogs.
So the most popular
and highest rated show of all,
would be a show about
Abe Lincoln's doctor's dog.
And that is the kind of a show
your TV friend from Tulare
wants me to make?
Well, actually, he's not
in TV, sir. He's in radio.
- Radio?
- Yes.
- They don't have a TV station up there.
- They don't?
Abraham Lincoln's
doctor's dog?
- Yeah.
- Title's kinda long,
but it sounds like a good idea.
- Wait in the car.
- Oh.
Now you listen to me, Post.
You get this straight.
Your job here
is to deliver the mail.
And that is all you are to do
is to deliver the mail.
I am not interested
in your quacky theories
that come from your quacky teachers
that teach in your quacky night school.
Yes, sir. But actually, in this
case, it wasn't a teacher.
I know what he was!
He was a radio man from Tulare!
Anything important, Jen?
Oh, yes, sir. Mr. Crampton
called from New York.
He did?
Well, why didn't you tell me that?
When the president of the network calls,
don't let me stand around
talking about
Abraham Lincoln's dog's doctor.
Uh, Abe Lincoln's doctor's dog, sir.
There's a difference.
I don't care what it is.
How long ago did he call?
- About an hour ago.
- An hour?
You should've called me at home.
Well, I did,
but you weren't there.
Your wife said you were
out on some deliveries.
Oh, yeah... deliveries, yeah.
Well, get him on the phone.
He said it wouldn't be
necessary to call back.
Just pick him up
at the airport next Tuesday.
He didn't want to talk to me?
Did he see the ratings?
I imagine he had,
because he asked if you had.
- He did? Where are they?
- No, they're in the other pile.
Why didn't you say so?
I'm under pressure.
- Well, he's sure in a bad mood.
- Steve!
Why did you bring up Abe Lincoln's
doctor's dog on a day like this?
- Oh, no!
- I was just trying to help.
Nothing wrong with that.
Oh, these are terrible!
These are catastrophic!
- Just relax. You'll be fine.
- Oh, sure.
You just got excited. You took
too much oxygen in your system.
I had an aunt
who had that problem.
Used to help to blow into
a paper bag. Ever tried?
I never tried that. Helped?
- She just blew right in...
- Yes.
- Don't you have anything to do?
- Yes, sir.
- Well, do it!
- I'll see you tonight, Jen.
Jen, you know I never interfere in the
personal lives of my employees, but...
...how can you stand
that boy? Blow into a paper bag.
I don't know. I guess
I'm just kind of hooked, sir.
There, there, Mama.
Everything is gonna be all right.
You'll get over it, Mama.
Don't worry.
What's the matter?
We've got to go to San Francisco.
Hi. Hey, what's the matter
with the Bernaduccis?
They have to
go to San Francisco.
That's what they said. So what's
the matter with San Francisco?
Hey, what's everybody
sniffling about?
Mr. Bernaducci's been transferred.
With all that fog and dampness,
they can't take Raffles.
- He gets colds too easily.
- Oh.
And after having him
all these years.
Don't take it so hard.
What'd they do, stick him in a zoo?
- No.
- Did they put him away or something?
No, not that!
Jen, you didn't take him?
Oh, no!
Well, I couldn't let them
put him in a zoo.
I'd have found that
real easy to do.
- Do you think he'll be happy here?
- I don't know why you're bothering.
He'll be nothing but trouble.
Steve!
Will you listen to me?
He only had three people
in this world up until tonight.
- Mr. And Mrs. Bernaducci and me.
- Aw.
Now he only has me
and I'm not going to let him down.
You're treating him
like a human being.
He's just a hard-to-get-along-with,
miserable, spoiled chimp!
Seems to me you're the one
acting hard to get along with.
Oh, I'm sorry. Look, can we
just stick him in the bedroom?
I'm not going
to do any such thing.
He has been through enough today
without locking him in some bedroom.
Now you just go in and watch TV
with him while I finish dinner.
- What are you doing to him?
- I didn't do anything to him.
Oh, he can't see
the TV from there.
"Mother Carey's Chickens. "
I guess you know,
you're witnessing one of the wildest
slam-bang football games
played anywhere.
...snapped to Humphrey.
He fakes a handoff...
Leave it alone.
What did you do to him now?
Nothing.
I didn't do anything to him.
Oh, Steve.
You changed the station.
You can't do that.
What do you mean,
I can't do that?
If he likes a program
and you change it,
he gets all upset.
He does it to me all the time.
Well, he's not gonna
do it to me. Jen.
Steve, just try and be
a little patient, okay?
Patient, my foot.
You expect me to sit here
and watch a lousy show
called Mother Carey's Chickens?
Well, it's over anyway, so
it doesn't make any difference.
It makes a lot of difference.
That chimp is spoiled rotten.
He's not spoiled. He's lonely.
Now, let him have his
own way tonight, okay?
Steve, would you please pour
the wine? Dinner's ready.
Stay tuned to this station
for Star Journey
which follows immediately.
Star Journey's coming on.
They expect that to rate number one.
Oh, good. I want to see that.
...episode of The Maxwell Family,
the program for all ages.
Maxwells. If you think we're gonna
watch that soap opera, you're crazy.
- What happened now?
- It's that creep.
He doesn't want
to watch Star Journey.
- Steve, he's not a creep.
- Well, he sure acts like one.
He did it again.
Jen, will you do something?
Steve, just let him have
his own way tonight, okay?
You mean we can't watch Star Journey
on account of that crummy chimp?
Just tonight. Please?
All right.
With all the pets in the world,
you gotta end up with a chimp
that likes bad TV!
Mother Carey's Chickens
and The Maxwell Family?
Well, who would ever figure
that those two shows
would end up on top?
Nobody in this town, that's for sure.
- Oh, hi, Rog.
- Keep moving.
Mother Carey's Chickens
and The Maxwell Family?
Huh. Hmm.
- Look, aren't these cute?
- Yeah, they're real cute.
- Steve, show some interest.
- I said, they're real cute.
I think I'll get them all.
Why don't you guys beat it, huh?
We like the chimp, mister.
Now don't do that.
Come on.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,
for watching The Fastest Gun.
It is your loyal viewing
that has made our program
one of America's
top-rated shows.
What are you doing here?
I thought I'd spend a
little time with your roommate.
- Well, how'd you get in?
- The landlady.
- She's real nice.
- She sure is.
- Can you beat that?
- Beat what?
Oh, nothing.
- Hey, Jen?
- What?
I know we're gonna go out for supper
tonight, but let's just skip it.
Well, how come?
Why should we?
Well, there's some shows
I wanted to see tonight.
We'll call Chicken Lickin',
it'll be just as much fun, honest.
Why, that little son of a gun.
He picked them all!
7:30 to 12:00.
Holy smoke, he knows!
Jen?
- He knows.
- Who knows?
Animals.
Just like in the westerns.
Nobody sees the rattlesnake because
he's hidden behind the sagebrush.
It's the horse who rears
and saves the cowboy's life.
- He knows!
- I hope so.
Oh, you're gonna thank
your lucky stars I came along.
You'll kiss the ground I walk on.
I will?
He knows. He knows!
If it happened once,
it might be an accident.
But he picks the number one show
every single night! He knows!
Hey. He knows.
- I'm gonna be rich.
- Well, that's just wonderful.
- Now may I see your driver's license?
- Sure.
Thank you. Okay.
You look just like
a friend of mine.
- Steve!
- For you!
Oh, Steve, they're beautiful!
But you really shouldn't
have spent the money.
Don't worry. There'll be a lot
more where that came from.
You know, it's a funny thing. Everything
seems to be going wrong for you.
One day you turn a corner
and your whole life changes.
All of a sudden you got the world
in your hip pocket.
- It's amazing, isn't it?
- Yeah.
Raffles?
Hey, uh, where is he, Jen?
- Oh, he's with Roger.
- Roger?
Yeah, they left
about ten minutes ago.
Why? What for?
Where'd he go?
They went for a walk.
He went for a walk with that creep?
I told you before,
he's not a creep!
How could you do this to me?
- Oh, hi, Rog.
- Hi. What are you doing here?
You were taking a walk.
I thought I'd join you.
You know, there is something
really weird going on here.
Uh, what?
I... I think that chimp
actually likes TV.
You've gotta be kidding.
No, he actually
seems to be entertained.
- Look, he really likes it.
- No, no. It's just the lights.
Certain light attracts certain animals.
That's a scientific fact.
I never heard that.
You didn't know that?
I thought everybody knew that.
I learned that
at Moonrise Night School.
On Melrose Avenue?
- What's the matter?
- I don't know.
I've never seen him act like this.
What did you do?
I didn't do anything to him.
Look, he's gone mad!
Well, you must've stepped
on his paw or something.
How could I step
on his paw from over here?
Good heav...
Uh, excuse me. Here, let me
help you. I'm terribly sorry.
Good. We got it.
Come on, fellow.
We're all through here.
Vicious little...
Keep that ape away from me.
- Come on. Over here.
- On the table.
Thank heaven you're here.
You can't believe what happened.
- We're not finished yet.
- Rog, don't worry about a thing.
We've got the bail.
We'll have you out in no time.
How could you let me be associated
with a beast like that? He's a monster.
He's not a monster. Something
just got into him, that's all.
Maybe he just doesn't
like basketball.
Oh, he doesn't?
I happen to like it very...
That thing's not a monster?
That's gonna cost you 75 bucks.
- For what? That?
- Come on, fella.
It's gonna cost at least 75 bucks
to get that thing fixed.
Okay. Who do I pay
to bail the chimp out?
- We take care of it right here.
- Wait a minute. What about me?
Gee, I'm sorry, Rog.
I'm out of money.
I gotta get some more. Don't worry.
You're bailing that chimp out and
letting me stay here in this dump?
Wait just a minute, mac.
This is a pretty nice place.
We happen to like it down here.
Well, you have to. I don't.
Steve, we aren't
gonna leave Roger here?
Gee, we've gotta be realistic
about this thing, Jen. I mean, uh...
It's Roger or the chimp,
and this is no place for a chimp.
Well, it's no place for me, either!
Wave goodbye
to Uncle Roger now.
Miserable chimp.
- Poor little guy.
- Poor little guy, my foot.
It's back to the Bernaduccis for him.
Oh, no, wait a minute.
You can't do that.
What are you getting excited about?
- I need him!
- You need him?
I mean,
I don't need him.
Why would you wanna give
a poor little guy like this away?
I mean, that's inhumane!
Inhumane?
He's the one that's inhumane.
He's already broken two TV sets
and a plate glass window.
Look, Jen, maybe he's trying
to get something out of his system.
Just give him a few days.
He'll be okay.
Okay, I'll give him till Saturday.
Good. By Saturday, he'll be
acting like a different chimp.
I guarantee it.
- I just can't understand it.
- Understand what?
Why he'd give me tickets
to take you to the ball game.
That's because you
don't understand Steve.
He has a lot of nice qualities
about him.
Like what?
Well, he's charitable.
He gave you tickets
to take me to the game.
Yeah, but I still think
there's some motive behind that.
And he's honest.
Nobody can say he's not honest.
And as far
as being trustworthy,
I don't know anyone
I would trust more than Steve.
And he's loyal and brave and...
Jen, will you forget it? You're
making him sound like a boy scout.
Come on, Raffles.
You have to believe me. I've got a
scientific approach to rating TV shows.
It'll revolutionize this whole industry.
We can put UBC right on top.
Jen, I'm going to be
very busy today.
Will you see to it that I am not
disturbed unless absolutely necessary?
I've got the key to this industry,
and he won't listen to me.
Steve, just leave
Mr. Wilbanks alone today.
Mr. Crampton's coming in
from New York,
and he's nervous as a kitten.
Wait a minute.
Crampton's coming in tomorrow?
That's perfect. Uh, look,
I won't be able to see you tonight.
I've got some homework
I want to do.
The programs of this station...
Okay, 12:30 to 1:00, channel 18.
Okay, that does it.
You can go to bed now.
You've had a hard day's work.
And if this doesn't convince them,
I don't know what will.
"Dear Mr. Crampton.
As a loyal member of the United
Broadcasting Corporation,
I must tell you that I seem
to have a strange ability
which enables me
to pick the shows
the American people like best. "
Hey, Mertons, the old limo's
looking pretty slick.
It better.
I have to pick up the big man.
Yeah, I heard about that.
Hey, listen.
Would you mind
slipping this to Crampton?
Uh, no, I can't do that.
If the boss caught me passing your
notes to the chief...
Don't worry. I got something big.
It's our chance to put the network
on top. I can prove it to Crampton.
Our network on top?
Forget it.
Guess I was mistaken.
You're another one of those.
Wait a minute.
Another one of those what?
One of those who has something
against young people.
I never said that.
What's wrong with a young
man getting ahead, anyway?
I mean, didn't William Pitt
become prime minister of England at 24?
What about Alexander Hamilton?
He signed the Declaration
of Independence at 19.
Alexander the Great. How old
was he when he conquered Macedonia?
- I forget.
- And Louis XIV.
The greatest ruler France had. You know,
he became king at the age of four.
Four?
There was even a British king who
took over when he was nine months old.
I can go through history and show people
that became great leaders at early ages.
Huh. Yeah,
but what's that got to do with...
Here he comes. I know you'll find
the time to slip it to Mr. Crampton.
- Morning, Mr. Wilbanks.
- Morning.
- Have a nice trip.
- Have a nice trip?
I'm only going to the airport.
Well, have a nice trip
to the airport.
Something must be wrong, Wilbanks.
We're always third in the ratings.
Which would be all right, but
there are only three networks!
We come up with loser after
loser, disaster after disaster.
But chief, I've been through
47 pilot films this year...
Well, maybe it's your staff.
Have you got experienced people?
Well, experience is hard
to come by, chief.
All you've got available
to you are young kids,
running around, trying to tell
you how to run your business.
Speaking of kids telling you
how to run your business,
this is for you, Mr. Crampton.
Is that from Steven Post?
Why would you
bother the chief with that?
Isn't it bad enough
that I'm bothered by him?
He says he's got a foolproof method
of determining the top-rated programs.
Hmm. He's ambitious.
He's rated all
of last night's shows.
"Check with the overnight ratings.
You'll see I'm right. "
Don't pay any attention to that kid.
He'll drive you nuts. He's 21 years old,
and thinks he should run the network.
Well, I don't think age has
anything to do with it, boss.
- I didn't ask you!
- What's wrong with a young man
running the network?
Look at William Pitt.
He was only 24,
and he was president of England.
And Alexander the Great. How old was he
when he conquered Macedonia?
How would I know?
Just drive the car.
Look at all them little kids
that was kings of different countries.
Like this little kid
that was only four years old,
and he was king of France.
And there's one kid,
he was the king of England,
he was only nine months!
Nine months? A person became
king of England at nine months?
I don't remember anything about that.
You don't?
- Tell him to drive the car.
- Drive the car.
You rated every show
exactly like our rating service.
How'd you do that, young man?
I guess I just have an instinct
for what people like.
He's got an instinct for
getting people in trouble.
Just a minute.
- You can't listen to punks.
- Francis.
Francis!
I'm out here to replace
some shows that...
Well, they're not doing too well.
How would you like to look
at some new films with me?
- I'd be honored.
- That's carrying it too far.
I think I could do a lot better
if I took them home.
My powers of concentration
are stronger that way.
Never mind.
No film leaves this studio.
That's company policy.
He's right.
Just be in our viewing room at 6:00.
Francis, we'll see how good
the boy really is.
That looks good.
It's encouraging.
Yeah, I think
we're on the right track.
- What was that?
- What?
What was that?
One of our plumbers, sir.
He's a terrific little guy. Really.
Shortest plumber I've ever seen.
I hope you're paying minimum.
- I don't hire the plumbers.
- You coming?
- I'll be right up.
- Find out who hires plumbers.
Stan, don't use the mail elevator
for a couple of minutes.
- I got some important stuff on it.
- Sure, Steve.
Jen! Uh, hi.
What have you been up to?
I've been looking for you all day.
Oh, kind of in and out.
You know how it is. What's up?
Well, I wanted to talk to you.
I'm worried about my chimp.
He's calmed down like
you said, but maybe too much.
- Uh, uh, what do you mean?
- He doesn't seem to be himself.
He has no energy,
no spunk, nothing.
He's even stopped watching TV.
He probably got a hold of
bad bananas or something.
Bananas?
Would they bother a chimp?
Uh, sure. If he got a hold
of some bad ones, they would.
Hmm.
Steve, what's the matter with you?
You seem nervous.
Uh, I gotta go to that screening.
You know,
big shots and everything.
It's already started.
What are you standing here for?
Uh, I was just waiting
for some mail to come up.
Then you have
to push the button.
Yeah. I was just thinking
about doing that.
What is the matter with you?
You act like you're
trying to get rid of me.
Oh, Jen, you know
I'd never do a thing like that.
If you want a ride home,
you better come on.
Okay.
You know, Steve,
sometimes you act really weird.
I'll see you later, Jen.
Is that you, Post?
Uh, yes, sir. Sorry I'm late.
Yes. Well, we're showing a few scenes
from The Happy Harringtons first.
We're confident
it's our strongest replacement show.
But feel free
to have your own opinion.
Thank you, sir.
- What was that?
- I didn't say anything.
I get asthma
every once in a while.
You better have that checked.
That's the worst I've heard.
Post, if you don't like
the show, just say so!
Uh, I'm sorry, sir.
I, uh, I think I'll get
my asthma spray.
I keep it in the projection booth.
Why would he keep his
asthma spray in the projection booth?
- Well, he... I don't know.
- Oh, you don't know.
Can you ever answer anything
but "I don't know"?
- Stevie.
- Hi, Tom.
What do you got,
a replacement for Wilbanks?
No, he's a pet.
I'm watching him for a friend.
Hey, he's really great.
I gotta go back.
How about him watching from here?
- He won't be any problem.
- Sure.
I'm glad to have someone to talk to.
It gets lonely in here by yourself.
Now, don't let me down.
Thanks a lot, Tom.
Sure, Steve.
UBC proudly presents...
...Devil Dan!
Dumb kid. I told him to save
this for the last, chief.
I'm sorry about this. Save it!
I know it isn't much,
but we have to look at them all.
Don't save it!
Devil Dan?
Audience appeal?
- You've gotta be kidding.
- Not at all.
Devil Dan would start
this network to the top.
Yes, well, my boy,
I think we at the network
have our fingers
on the pulse of the public,
and it reads
Happy Harringtons to us.
But sir, people just won't buy that
stuff anymore. That show is a dog.
Well, yes, we do appreciate
your suggestion.
If we ever need you again,
we'll be sure and get in touch.
- Ruthless, bald audacity.
- That's what I'm trying to tell you.
That boy is blind to everything human...
Figure a way
to quietly get rid of him.
Oh, I can handle that.
I'm going east, I'll take care
of things there. Get hold of publicity.
The Happy Harringtons
are replacing Riot Squadron Saturday.
Tell them we want
a big splurge on it.
Right, chief. I'll take care
of it on this end. Right.
They just won't listen.
Nobody will listen.
They were nice enough
to ask you to see the film.
You gave them your opinion,
they didn't like it.
- You can't blame them.
- But they're wrong, Jen.
Well, how do you know
they're wrong?
I just know it. I really know it!
And I know of a way
to make them listen too.
Can I have your attention?
Your attention.
Thank you. I want you all
to make yourselves comfortable,
and I want you
to enjoy yourselves.
But I would suggest that you hold
your applause until after the show.
That way you won't miss
any of the jokes.
Ladies and gentlemen,
stay tuned for UBC's hilarious new show,
The Happy Harringtons!
UBC proudly presents...
...Devil Dan!
- Devil Dan?
- How did that happen?
What's going on here? In all my years,
I've never seen this happen.
It's those boobs
in the transmitting room.
I'll get to the bottom of this
if I have to fire every one.
Get me a phone.
There's no sense
in calling anyone.
You see, I changed the program.
You?
Yes, sir. I know it may seem
a little upsetting right now,
but believe me, it's in the
best interest of the company.
Do you realize that you have
altered the will of a network?
And I, uh, I suppose
you want me to resign?
No. You're fired.
Mr. Wilbanks,
New York on the phone.
That's Crampton!
What am I going to tell Crampton?
- Steve.
- Hey, look, Jen, don't worry.
Everything's gonna be okay, really.
Big dummy.
You see?
That's what happens
when you have
a Moonrise Night School man
in the network business.
Why don't you shut up?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Where are you going?
- I guess I'll get a hamburger.
Well, I'm kinda hungry too.
Look, Jen, maybe you'd
better go back inside.
I mean, uh,
I'm not really the most popular guy
in the world right now.
- You really want a hamburger?
- Uh-huh.
You look kinda funny
riding back there.
Who said I was afraid
of looking funny?
Holy mackerel!
Oh, good morning,
Mr. Wilbanks!
Oh, Mr. Wilbanks!
Say, that was really something.
A real touch of genius.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
Hey, that was terrific.
How'd you come up with something
like that? Congratulations.
I beg your pardon?
Very clever, Wilbanks.
Congratulations.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
- Just a minute.
- Can you tell me what all...
- Mr. Wilbanks, New York.
- Oh. Hello?
What time do you get to work? I've
spent half the day trying to reach you.
Oh, you see, there's a
three hour time difference,
and where it's 12:00 noon
in New York, out here it's only...
Don't tell me what time it is
in New York. Get him!
- Who?
- Who?
Haven't you read
the trade papers yet?
Trade papers? Uh...
- Wilbanks?
- Oh, no! How...
- Wilbanks, are you there?
- Uh, yes, I'm... I'm here.
Well, listen, sign him to a contract.
We don't want anyone
stealing him from us.
But, uh, chief, I fired him.
- You what?
- Well, don't you remember?
I told you on the phone,
and you told me...
Don't tell me what I told you.
I know what I told you.
Just get that boy back.
He's a genius!
Uh, I'll certainly
do my best, chief,
but I don't know whether...
Of course
you don't know whether.
I'll be out tomorrow.
Have that boy in your office at 1:00.
And have the press there.
From now on,
I'll manage this myself!
On behalf of the board of
directors of this network,
I take great pleasure
in the following announcement.
Steven Post has been made
our new program director.
- A boy that age, program director?
- What's the matter with a boy that age?
Look at William Pitt.
He was prime minister
of England when he was only 24.
And Alexander the Great? How old
was he when he conquered Macedonia?
No, we here at the network
are convinced that Steven Post
is a young man of unique talent,
well-qualified to join
the executive team
that will lead UBC
to the very top.
If the kid's going
to be program director,
what's going to happen to Wilbanks?
Oh, we haven't forgotten
Mr. Wilbanks. He's moved on too.
He'll be vice president
in charge of cultural relations.
- What's that?
- We'll let Wilbanks explain.
- What is it, Mr. Wilbanks?
- That's very...
You see, whenever we have the...
Uh, I don't know what it is.
Steve, it's so wonderful.
Huh? Yeah.
Yeah, well, uh...
Mr. Crampton thought
I ought to have a place
where I can kinda,
oh, entertain and stuff.
On account of my new job,
you know?
Oh, Steve,
I'm so happy for you.
You should be
so proud of yourself.
And just think,
you did it all on your own.
Yeah.
Hey!
Come on, sweetheart.
Thattaboy. Come on, baby.
Thattaboy. There you go.
Yeah, I love you too.
Watch the movie.
How about this one, Post?
- I don't know yet.
- He doesn't know yet.
No, he wants to run it.
- It's good.
- Oh, another winner.
Yeah, yeah, he likes it.
Yeah.
Congratulations, Steve.
Uh, on what?
On the award you're
gonna win tonight.
Hey, look, Jen,
I haven't won that yet.
Well, you will. If you're
not TV man of the year, who is?
Uh, Jen...
When are you gonna tell me
about those locks?
There? Uh...
I can't.
Well, you see,
it's kinda like my war room.
It's where I make all my decisions.
It's, uh...
It's very private.
Well, do I ever get to see?
Yeah, I'll show you sometime.
- Steve, what's the matter?
- Nothing.
- Uh, I was just thinking.
- About what?
Ah, it's a lot of stuff
you wouldn't understand.
I might.
Well, I was thinking
about people.
People like Vasco da Gama.
- Like who?
- Yeah, he was a discoverer.
- He discovered the West Indies.
- I know, but...
Isn't it just as good to
discover something as invent it?
- I guess.
- Where would we be
if people didn't discover things?
Just like some great scientist who...
Well, maybe he's not so great,
but he discovers a lab assistant
who's doing all the work.
But the scientist
takes all the credit. Why?
Because he discovered him.
Well, there's nothing
wrong with that, is there?
No, I guess not.
Good. That's the way
I had it figured.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the most coveted prize of all:
TV's "Man of the Year" award.
And the winner is...
...Steven Post,
- Yeah! Yeah!
President of the
United Broadcasting Corporation.
President?
Vice president.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry.
I mean, vice president.
But at any rate,
Steven Post is television's
man of the year!
And now the key.
Congratulations, Crampton.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- You have a fine young man.
Thank you, Clifford.
We're proud of him.
You should be. Your sponsors seem
to like him. Gave him a nice little car.
Yes, he's a man who's
going right to the top.
The very top, indeed.
Francis.
Excuse us, girls.
We gotta do something about that boy.
We've built a Frankenstein.
- We have. He's already got my job.
- But now it's getting serious.
- Now it's getting serious?
- How does the boy do it?
I don't know how.
I just know he's not smart enough
to do it on his own.
- What have you done about it?
- What should I do?
- I'm in cultural relations.
- The basics, man. The basics.
Have you searched his office,
grilled his secretary,
tapped his phone,
had him followed?
No. Wouldn't that be unethical?
Unethical?
Get with it, Wilbanks.
It's a desperate situation.
It requires desperate means.
Find out how that boy is doing it!
Hasta la vista,
Senor Post.
Hasta, hasta.
Hello in there.
Can you hear me?
Are you a prisoner?
Knock twice
if you can hear me.
Thank heaven.
I'm a friend.
I beg your pardon?
He sounds gagged!
That dirty, ruthless...
Hey, I'm back!
Oh!
Okay, okay!
Okay! Don't go wild!
Hey, take it easy.
Wait a minute. Not the ballet.
That'll wreck your taste for sure.
You're supposed
to pick the top-rated shows.
You got that finger of yours
on the heartbeat of America.
Don't louse it up!
I'll put on some coffee, then we'll
take a look at those new pilots.
You want some pizza
tonight? I got two kinds.
Plain and with pepperoni.
You want the pepperoni?
Okay, you get the plain one.
Okay, it's ready!
All right. Showtime.
Now, one of these days, I'm
gonna show you how to thread this thing.
I keep forgetting that.
It'd sure be great if you
could pick another Devil Dan.
Who was in the room?
That's what I wanna know.
Well, first of all,
there were three television sets
in front of three chairs.
- Three sets?
- Yeah, and a projector and a screen.
Then there was this tree with
a whole bunch of bananas on it.
Bananas? Ba...
That could be it.
- Bananas could be brain food.
- Oh, yeah. They are.
Jen, get me Dr. Schmidt
in Research on the phone.
- I'm sure he's gone home.
- I know he's gone home.
Get him on the phone.
He's probably got...
- What is it, Roger?
- It's not bananas.
It's that phantom roommate
he keeps locked up.
I looked everywhere,
but I couldn't see him.
They were talking,
but I couldn't see him.
Well, let's get down to basics.
Tell me what you did see,
and don't tell me about the
thing around your leg again.
It was weird.
Whoever it was was wearing
a little red cap
with a blue bon-bon
on the top.
- It was just gliding along.
- Hello? Hello?
There were empty
banana skins everywhere.
And then, this hairy arm
grabbed me right in the closet.
It was hideous. There
was no head, no body, no feet.
- Hello?
- Just a hairy arm.
Jen, what are you doing?
- Excuse me.
- Dr. Schmidt, Francis Wilbanks.
Uh, tell me, doctor,
are bananas brain food?
Bananas? Brain food?
Well, I couldn't say for sure,
but I do recall a certain tribe in New
Guinea who subscribed to the theory
that bananas were indeed, a brain food.
- Oh, hi, Jen.
- Hello, Vasco da Gama.
- What?
- Oh, you know.
He was the one who
discovered the West Indies.
He was a discoverer. Discoverers
are just as important as inventors.
Like the mad scientist who keeps
his assistant locked in the basement.
I didn't say anything
about a scientist.
- I want my chimp.
- What?
I know, Steve.
They never listened to me, Jen.
They wouldn't have for a million years!
Steve, open this door.
I didn't even have a car.
I had a motorcycle.
Now I got a DeTomaso Mangusta.
A brand-new DeTomaso Mangusta.
I mean it, Steve.
Now, you open that door!
Uh... Look, Jen.
I did it for you.
I mean, why would you ever
want to marry a mail boy?
I kidded myself, but that's
all I knew I'd ever be.
You never said you
wanted to marry me.
Well, uh...
That's because I was a mail boy.
I mean, uh,
I didn't even have a car.
Just a motorcycle.
I told you before, there's nothing
the matter with a motorcycle.
Uh, I guess he
recognized your voice.
I'm kinda glad you...
you found out. I...
I was trying to figure out
a way to tell you.
You see, Jen, it is working.
He is happy.
Look, we could have it all.
I'm not hurting anybody, either.
I guess you've been
treating him pretty good.
Why don't, um...
Why don't we just
keep it in the family?
Okay, he can stay.
But remember,
I get visitation rights.
Yeah.
Hey, Steve.
Hey, you're looking really sharp.
- New job.
- Yeah.
What happened to that chimp
you used to bring around?
Not so loud. Not around here.
Yeah? I mean, he sure
liked Devil Dan, didn't he?
I mean, I've never seen
anything like it. He just...
The manager said room 1123
is directly across
from Post's apartment.
- Now we'll see.
- Oh, see what?
I can understand
your skepticism, Uncle.
This has been a gigantic puzzle,
but I put the pieces together,
and they all fit.
Oh, fit, my foot.
This is ridiculous.
I didn't believe
a mail boy could do it.
I'm not gonna believe a chimp can do it.
- It's a wild goose chase.
- You mean, wild monkey chase.
It's not funny.
- Stop that simple laughing.
- Sorry, boss.
I don't like this.
I don't like it at all.
There must be something criminal.
Oh, Uncle, we're not
doing anything criminal.
Then why do I feel
like a peeping Tom?
Okay. Look.
Well, so what? It's just
that mail boy sitting there
all by himself, looking at TV.
Look. Quick, quick! Look.
Good heavens.
I think we finally
may be getting somewhere.
Here! See what I mean?
See what I...
Yes, I do.
He's watching Smuggler's Gold.
That's the number one-rated show.
That's what I've been trying to tell
you. The chimp is picking the shows.
Well, we can't really tell. He might
not even know what he's looking at.
Oh, a commercial break.
Wilbanks, he knows!
He really knows. He got
a beer during the commercial.
Proof positive.
Oh, that's a sure
sign if I've ever seen one.
Wilbanks, get that chimp.
- What are we doing here?
- Just follow me.
I didn't get where I am without
planning ahead. Come on.
Hey, boss, don't ya think
it'd be better if I stayed here
- and cut people off at the pass?
- Cut them off at the pass?
You don't want people
bothering you out on the ledge.
Will you stop that
silly talk and come on?
But, boss, I...
I get sick when I look down.
Well, then look up.
I have the same problem
when I look up.
Get prepared to be sick.
I can't handle that chimp by myself.
But, boss...
Will you stop
that simple wheezing?
I can't help it. This always
happens to me at high altitudes.
You're only 200 feet up.
Let go of me.
Ohhhhh!
I told you to stay with me.
A- ha! Hello, little fella.
Let's go for a walk, huh?
That's a good fella.
That's the worst experience
I ever had.
Yeah. The door, the door. Come on.
Boss, the door is locked.
Uh... Well, of course it's locked.
You don't expect him
to leave it open
with a valuable chimp
like that in here, do you?
We're not going
out there again, are we?
Why not? The chimp isn't afraid.
He's used to swinging
around in high places.
Come on!
Oh, no! Now you
did it with that wheezing.
- You scared the chimp.
- Sorry, boss.
Sorry doesn't feed the bulldog.
Where'd he go?
- There he is.
- Where?
Boss, help!
Stop wheezing!
What are you doing?
Wait! Ow!
Help! Oh!
Not the tie, not the tie!
Ah! Get the...
Oh, get the... Oh! Oh.
Oh, just watch it. Oh.
Now, don't touch me.
Just don't touch me.
Yes, boss.
I can't understand
what happened to your car.
I guess they had
to gas it up or something.
- That's okay. I'm in no hurry.
- I better check.
How did you get down here?
Oh, no.
What do we do now?
Now don't panic.
We'll just crawl back
in the kid's room.
He's bound to have a phone and we'll
call somebody and have them get us.
Oh, I left that darn window
open too far.
No more open window for you.
I'll see you later.
How'd he get back in there?
How would I know?
This is locked too.
What do we do?
Well, maybe he can unlock it.
He seems able
to do everything else.
For the last time,
will you stop that wheezing?
Little fella?
Turn the handle.
You're gonna love it.
That's it. Yes.
There you go. Yes. Yes.
- You're not gonna start that?
- I can't help it, boss.
We don't have to stand up again?
Of course we have to stand up!
Get up! Get up!
Maybe we can attract some attention,
help get off of this thing.
Boss, this is awful.
Stop hiccupping! First you
wheeze and then you hiccup!
I can't help it.
I hiccup when I get nervous.
Stop it! I can't stand it!
Don't you understand that?
- Just try holding your breath.
- That never works with me.
Maybe if you get me a glass
of water. That sometimes helps.
All right. I'll get...
How can I get you a glass of water?
I can't...
Come on! Glass of water.
It's an ambulance, police cars.
Well, you wanted
to attract attention.
Oh, here we go again.
K-7, this is 10-Sugar-Charlie.
Come in.
We're here. The report checks out.
We got a couple of nuts
trying to commit suicide.
Give me that thing.
All right, now, just...
just take it easy up there.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Above all, don't jump.
He thinks we're gonna jump.
No, we're not going to jump!
Hey, boss,
I'm losing my buttons.
We almost lost one that time.
This is gonna be a tough one, Vince.
Here, take this outta the way.
Take it over to the truck.
Bring them in.
Bring them on in.
Hey, the fire engines
are stopping here.
Do you smell smoke?
No, I don't smell smoke.
The building isn't on fire.
Stop the wheezing, will you?
Please stop! First you wheeze,
then hiccup, then wheeze again!
You're enough to
drive anybody nuts!
- Oh, I am, am I?
- Yes!
Well, you're my boss.
Maybe I shouldn't say this,
but you've been complaining
ever since we've been up here.
If you don't like the way
I wheeze and hiccup,
why don't you go find
your own ledge to stand on?
What?
Maybe they're coming
to rescue us.
They're not coming to rescue us.
That's our news helicopter.
Our own network
is taking pictures of us?
That's exactly what I mean.
We interrupt to bring you
a newscast of a suicide try
on Wilshire Boulevard in Los ngeles.
Oh, isn't it sad how many nuts
are running around loose today?
It certainly is, sweetheart.
Our special UBC helicopter
enables us to bring you
an exclusive close-up view
of the pair attempting suicide.
These pictures,
live from the scene.
There you are.
Another first for UBC.
Oh, no!
Oh, now I've had experience
of this type of thing before.
Anything can make them
panicky and jump.
May I have the mike, please?
Now, gentlemen, remain calm.
No problem can't be solved.
Will you listen to me,
gentlemen, now? I repeat:
There is no problem
that cannot be solved.
- What'd he say?
- I don't know.
Sounds like some kind
of a foreign language.
Now, it must be very cold up there.
Why don't you go in
and get some coffee?
It's Father O'Leary
from St. Timothy's.
What's he doing here?
He probably came over
to talk us out of suicide.
He can talk me out of it real easy.
Now hang on, men.
- Hang on for one more minute.
- The life net's ready now.
Oh, good. Very good.
Come with me, Vince.
Oh, I'm ruined. I'm ruined!
What's Crampton gonna say?
You lame brain.
You thick-skulled, pin-headed,
dim-witted bumbler!
- Hey, boss, look. A net.
- Huh?
You don't suppose
they expect us to jump?
No, that's probably
just there for safety.
If Father O'Leary gets up here,
I'm gonna have him
sneak me out the back way.
I helped him with
his bazaar last year.
Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Stop right
where you are. Don't move!
- Father O'Leary!
- Where?
I wanted
to go out the back way!
Over that way!
That's it.
Ease it over here.
Why would he try
to commit suicide?
Get the chimp!
Get the chimp! It's not bananas!
It's not bananas,
it's the chimp!
He picks the shows, believe me.
He knows. It's the chimp.
Bananas don't have anything
to do with it. Get the chimp.
It's the chimp.
He's the one. Help! Help!
There was a chimp,
came down the building before
they discovered those guys up there.
It belonged to Steven Post.
Steven Post?
The TV wonder boy?
- There's the other one.
- This one was out with him.
What were
you doing up there?
I was walking along on the tenth floor
and I seen
this nut out on the ledge.
So I went out there to try
to talk him out of jumping.
- Then this window got stuck...
- Wait a minute.
You didn't happen to see him.
You work for Wilbanks.
- Everyone knows that. Come on.
- Talk him out of jumping?
Please, what are you
talking about?
All right!
Hold it! Hold it!
Look. We're gonna arrive
at the truth of this thing,
so you might as well tell us now.
Well, my boss wanted me to
help him get this kid's chimp.
The chimp belongs to Steven Post?
What'd he want him for?
Come on! Out with it!
Well, it sounds kinda crazy but,
my boss thinks the chimp
can pick the best TV shows.
Pretty funny, huh?
- Excuse me!
- Yeah, what?
This story about a chimp
selecting our TV shows.
- What about it?
- Well, do you believe it?
Of course, I believe it.
I knew it all the time.
Uh, madam?
What do you think of the rumor
of a chimp selecting our TV shows?
A chimp picking TV shows?
Ridiculous.
Well, you know
how those rumors get started.
- I know I...
- Wait a minute!
Those stations have been switching and
canceling my favorite shows for years.
Maybe a chimp
is behind this mess.
- Oh, no.
- It's a plot.
- You're all in on it.
- We have nothing...
I am so sick and tired
of liking a show
and having it pulled off
the air or put in another time.
- Madam...
- It drives you crazy.
I'm getting to the point, I'd like to
take the TV and throw it out the window.
The last show I liked,
they took off the air.
The minute I got to like it, off the
air. How do I know what happened?
I don't know what happened to John.
Has the man from the Justice
Department arrived yet?
- Everybody's here, sir.
- Good.
That's good.
Gentlemen, television
has had problems before.
We can work this one out
if we keep cool heads!
"Keep cool heads. "
Your Wilbanks says you've
got a monkey picking programs,
and you want us
to "keep cool heads. "
- I was delirious.
- Don't give us that!
For ten years you've been
the third-rated network.
Suddenly, you jump to number one.
Now, there has to be a reason.
You don't have
the personnel to do that.
Just a minute.
I've plenty of personnel.
- I have...
- Oh, shut up.
Mr. Crampton.
We've had a tacit understanding
to share technological advances.
It seems to me that you've
betrayed that understanding.
- We have not.
- Just a minute.
I must speak
for the Justice Department.
We can have no understandings
between networks,
- tacit or otherwise.
- Oh, come on, Harry.
How can the Department call
a little chimpanzee a tech...
- So there's a chimp.
- Then there is a chimp?
Gentlemen, please.
Admittedly, there is a chimp.
And he does like TV.
And it seems he does
prefer the top-rated shows.
And he does go to the refrigerator
and get a beer during the commercials.
Gentlemen!
If the American people ever
found out that a chimpanzee
was selecting programs,
it would be the end of TV.
Gentlemen.
I have a simple solution
to the whole problem.
- Yes?
- We must destroy the chimp.
Oh, no, no.
I can't see it at all.
- We can't do that.
- Oh, no. We couldn't...
Why, we'd have those societies for the
prevention of things all over our backs.
That would be the end
of our dog food accounts.
- I think I have an idea.
- I hope it's better than the bananas.
It's practical and humane.
You see, a chimp belongs in a
jungle, not in a network office.
We know that, Dr. Schmidt.
That's the problem.
What we do is buy the chimp,
return him to the jungle.
He'll be happy, the networks
will continue on as usual
and we will be rid of
Steven Post once and for all!
Brilliant, Schmidt, brilliant.
Bravo! Beautiful!
That's the one.
We certainly have the money.
And every man has his price.
So that's what they think, huh?
Every man's got his price.
Well, don't worry. I don't.
Steve, why don't we take him
and blow this place?
Forget this whole rat race.
I don't want them
to put him in a jungle.
Jen, they can't get to me.
I can't be bought.
$500,000.
Right.
$500,000. That's a...
That's a lot of money.
Well, of course it's a lot of money.
How can you even hesitate?
- Well, I don't know...
- Your future is on the line.
Now you listen to this.
You turn us down,
you'll never work again.
Come on. Be smart, boy.
- I, uh... I have a problem.
- A problem?
Yes, sir. You see, someone else
is involved and I...
Son, no more bickering.
All right.
This will be our final offer.
Take it or leave it.
One million dollars.
One million dollars.
You did it.
- You took the money.
- One million dollars, Jen.
You know what they're
going to do with him.
It was take it or leave it.
Besides, maybe a chimp
does belong in the jungle.
- Not that one.
- Jen.
We can get married now.
We've got everything.
I thought we did for a while.
Now we have nothing.
I don't even think
I like you very much anymore.
Boss. What I don't
understand is why do you have to go?
Well, it's just
too important a mission
to trust to, uh, underlings.
Yeah, but all
the other networks are here.
Oh, I get it.
You don't trust each other.
Well, of course
we trust each other.
Where would you get
a ridiculous idea like that?
It's just that we're getting together
to have a little, uh, outing.
Yes. And you're in charge
while we're gone.
Me in charge?
You're kidding?
We've never been more serious!
Well, what am I supposed to do?
Absolutely nothing. If anyone asks a
question, you don't know the answer.
Anyone wants a decision, stall.
Don't do anything at all!
Do you think you can handle that?
Yeah.
Now what?
Uh, Mr. Wilbanks,
can I talk to you for a minute?
- About what?
- Well, uh...
You see, I was wondering
if maybe you'd reconsider.
I give you the million dollars back,
you give me the chimp?
Well, certainly not, Post.
Are you crazy? A deal is a deal.
- That's all there is to it!
- Of all the nerve!
All set, Uncle.
Mertons is in charge till we get
back. Help him all you can.
Mertons is in charge?
Now, open the door, Roger.
Gee, I'm sorry, Steve.
But I guess you
can't have everything.
Boy, I'd sure do it different
if I had another chance.
Boy, you gentlemen sure
picked an isolated spot.
I don't think this place
has ever been explored.
Well, uh, don't worry,
about the chimp.
He's used to
fending for himself.
Okay, if you'll clear this area,
I'm gonna open this and there's gonna
be suction. I don't want to lose you.
Right. We'll watch it from back there.
Okay, uh, take it easy
back there, huh, gentlemen?
And by all means, uh, don't
touch any of those levers.
Don't worry about that chute. It's
guaranteed to open in ten seconds.
Oh! Don't touch that lever. Oh.
That's a no-no. Ooh.
Don't do that. No, no, no.
- Are you comfortable, chief?
- Just fine.
As soon as the chimp is out,
we'll have lunch.
- Oh, that'll be nice.
- All right.
Here we go. Open up.
Out we go. Jump. Jump.
When you throw him out,
be sure you throw him far enough
so he's in the pictures!
Here we go. Out we go. No?
- Will you throw him out?
- I don't think he wants to go.
I don't think he wants to go.
Put your foot out. Here we go.
- Get rid of him!
- Foot up. Come on. Get out.
Oh, Mr. Crampton!
I think I can
explain this, guys.
We were cruising up there
at 2,000 feet, and the wind...
Hello? Oh, Steve!
Yeah. Yeah. I...
I seem to be calling
for a friend of yours.
Say, uh, this is gonna be
hard to believe
but you remember that chance
you were talking about?
Well, ya got it!
Yeah!
It was that simple. I gave Mertons
the million, and he gave me the chimp.
It must have been tough
to give up all that money.
Mertons needed it to finance a force
to find Wilbanks and the rest of them.
You know, when you think about
it, it wasn't even my money.
It was yours. He's your chimp.
You mean, I gave up
a million bucks?
Yep.
You know what, Steve? I don't
even think we're gonna miss it.
And now an exclusive.
Steven Post,
television's man of the year,
resigned his position today
as vice president of UBC,
and took as his bride,
Miss Jennifer Scott,
his private secretary
and childhood sweetheart.
Their honeymoon destination
is unknown,
but wherever they go,
their many friends
wish this storybook couple
the storybook ending:
That they live
happily ever after.