The Canterville Ghost (1944) Movie Script
"THE CANTERVILLE GHOST.
"UNIVERSALLY RENOWNED
AS THE MOST FEARSOME
IS THE NOTORIOUS GHOS "OF SIR SIMON DE CANTERVILLE.
"THIS REMARKABLE APPARITION
HAS MANIFESTED ITSELF
"IN A SPECTACULAR VARIETY
OF FORMS AND GUISES,
"EACH MORE AWE-INSPIRING
THAN THE OTHER,
"EXHIBITING THE SAME FLAIR
FOR THE THEATRICAL
"THAT REPUTEDLY CHARACTERIZED
SIR SIMON HIMSELF.
"THE ORIGIN OF THIS APPARITION,
SO LEGEND HAS IT,
DATES FROM A FATEFUL STAG HUN IN THE YEAR 1634... "
OUT OF THE WAY.
BELLMAN! BUGLER!
THRUST-HO,
SIR VALENTINE.
OW!
ANTHONY DE CANTERVILLE!
ANTHONY, WHAT HAVE I
DONE TO THEE?
IT'S MY ARM,
SIR VALENTINE.
THANK HEAVENS
'TIS BUT THINE ARM.
WHY HIDEST THOU
IN THE BRUSH
LIKE A RABBIT?
I- I WAS PLUCKING
BLUEBELLS.
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
BLUEBELLS?
A MANFUL PURSUI FOR A CANTERVILLE
IN THE HUNTING SEASON?
MORE MANFUL THAN YOU WOULD
IMAGINE, SIR VALENTINE.
METHINKS 'TWAS
THE WRONG STAG
WE FLUSHED.
MY BRIDE-TO-BE!
ELEANOR?
ELEANOR!
HOW COULDST THOU,
ELEANOR?
THOU ART PROMISED
TO ME.
PROMISED TO THEE
NO LONGER, SIR VALENTINE.
SHE WAS WED TO ME
AT YESTEREVE.
WED?
THOU DARE STEAL HER
FROM ME
KNOWING
SHE WAS PLEDGED?
YEA.
I SHALL EXPECT SATISFACTION
FROM THEE, SIR,
AT BOLTON MANOR
WITHIN THE HOUR.
ANTHONY!
THOU WOULDST NO BE SO BOLD, SIR VALENTINE,
WERE I POSSESSED
OF MY GOOD RIGHT ARM.
HA HA HA!
A PRETTY EXCUSE
TO SNIVEL OUT OF IT.
SIMON!
MY BROTHER WILL
GIVE THEE SATISFACTION.
SIMON, THE HONOR
OF THE CANTERVILLES
HAS BEEN QUESTIONED.
WHAT?
WHEREFORE DOST THY DAGGER
REEK WITH HIS BLOOD?
MY SWORD ARM IS PIERCED
TO THE BONE.
TAKE THOU MY SIGNET RING
AND FIGHT IN MY STEAD.
WHO? ME?
WHO ELSE?
COME, COME, SIMON,
PICK UP THE GAUNTLE AND FLING IT IN HIS FACE.
WHOSE FACE?
SIR VALENTINE'S.
OH.
GIVE ME THY RING.
BUT 'TWAS ANTHONY
WHO RAN OFF WITH MY BETROTHED.
HE DANCED.
HE SHOULD PAY
THE PIPER.
A CANTERVILLE
HAS BEEN SLIGHTED.
AND BY ONE
OF AN UPSTART BROOD,
HONORED SCARCE
200 YEARS.
I CHOOSE THE WEAPON
OF CHIVALRY-
THE LANCE.
THE LANCE?
YEA.
I'LL TEACH THEE
A KINSMAN IS A KINSMAN.
WHAT KEEPS
THE POPINJAY?
MY GAUNTLETS,
DUNDERHEAD.
BY HEREWARD THE WAKE,
I'LL PIN HIM ON MY LANCE
LIKE A CAPON ON A SPIT.
THERE HE IS, SIR.
HMM?
THERE, SIR.
WHERE IS THINE ARMOR,
VALENTINE?
ALACK, SIR SIMON, I SUFFERED
THE MOST DREADFUL MISHAP.
HA HA HA!
SO I FELT OBLIGED
TO GIVE WAY TO MY COUSIN,
THE BOLD SIR GUY.
SHALL WE BE ON
WITH THE MERRIMENT,
MY NOBLE MARSHAL?
BUT FAITH, VALENTINE,
IT WAS YOU-
AH, A KINSMAN
IS A KINSMAN.
SOUND THE ORDER
OF COMBAT.
MAY THE RIGHT PREVAIL.
SIR SIMON!
HE'S BREAKING OFF.
COWARD!
AFTER HIM, SIR GUY!
FETCH HIM BACK
ON YOUR LANCE!
AYE! HARPOON HIM!
HOIST HIM HIGH!
POLTROON!
I TELL THEE
'TIS NO DISGRACE, MY SON.
BE THANKFUL THOU HAS A BROTHER TO WEAR THY SIGNET,
AND SUCH
A CHIVALROUS BROTHER.
I RECALL THE DAY I WORE
MY BROTHER EDWARD'S SIGNE BEFORE GOOD QUEEN BESS.
UNHORSED SIX MEN IN A SINGLE
HOUR IN THIS VERY ARMOR.
BY SAINT PETER
OF THE FETTERS.
SIMON MUST GO A LONG WAY
TO EXCEL THAT!
WHERE IS HE?
WHO?
THAT LILY-LIVERED
SON OF YOURS
WHO SKITTERED OFF
IN TERROR BEFORE THE LANCE.
COWARDICE? IN ONE
WHO BEARS ON HIS NECK
THE BIRTHMARK OF THE
CANTERVILLES? HA! PREPOSTEROUS!
OOH, IS IT?
HA HA!
THEN WHAT MIGHT BE LURKING
IN YON ALCOVE?
A FAT QUAIL, PERCHANCE?
NO SON OF MINE
COWERS IN ANY ALCOVE.
NO? THEN MILORD
CAN ASSUREDLY
HAVE NO OBJECTION
TO THE SEALING UP
OF THE DOOR
WITH
STONE AND MORTAR.
I MOST CERTAINLY CAN!
I'VE TOO GREAT A REGARD
FOR MY HOUSE.
FOR YOUR HOUSE,
MILORD,
OR YOUR SON?
GILES, THOMAS!
FETCH THE STONEMASONS!
HASTEN!
HAVE WE NOT HAD ENOUGH
OF THIS PLAY-ACTING,
SIR VALENTINE?
ONE NEVER LEAVES
THE THEATER, MILORD,
UNTIL THE CURTAIN
HAS FALLEN.
AH!
CONTINUE.
FATHER!
IT IS I,
THY SON.
FORSOOTH,
A FAT QUAIL INDEED.
OR WAS IT THE WIND THA WHISTLED DOWN THE FLUE?
I HEARD NO SOUND.
SPARE ME! SPARE ME!
POSE THE LAST STONE.
POSE IT, I SAY!
BUT, MILORD,
'TWAS MEAN ONLY IN JEST.
LEAVE MY HOUSE!
IT IS THY SON!
GO!
SIMON DE CANTERVILLE,
BECAUSE THOU HAS SHAMED THY HERITAGE
AND DISHONORED
THY PROUD BLOOD,
IN THAT TOMB
OF THINE OWN CHOOSING
SHALL LIE
THY WHITED BONES,
AND MAY THY CRAVEN SPIRI WALK THE HALLS
OF CANTERVILLE CASTLE
UNTIL A KINSMAN
SHALL WEAR THY SIGNET...
AND PERFORM FOR THEE
THE BRAVE DEED
THOU DIDST FAIL TO PERFORM
FOR THY KINSMAN.
"THUS GOES THE LEGEND
OF THE CANTERVILLE GHOST.
"AND TODAY,
AFTER 300 YEARS OF TERROR,
"CANTERVILLE CASTLE STANDS
SILENT AND DESERTED-
"A MUTE, FOREBODING MONUMEN TO THE FEARSOME PHANTOM
WHO STALKS
THOSE SILENT HALLS."
AAH! AAH!
AUNTIE! AUNTIE!
I JUST SAW
THE GHOST!
THE GHOST? WHERE?
ON THE ROOF
OF THE CASTLE.
OH, THAT WAS
THE TINSMITH, DARLING.
OH!
I ASKED MR. PEABODY
TO ENGAGE HIM
TO MEND
THE WATERSPOUTS.
OH. BUT WHY, AUNTIE?
NOBODY LIVES THERE.
JESSICA, WE'RE TURNING
THE CASTLE OVER
TO A PLATOON
OF AMERICAN SOLDIERS.
AMERICAN SOLDIERS?
BUT, GOOD GRACIOUS,
CAN THEY LIVE IN THE
CASTLE WHEN IT'S HAUNTED?
YOUR FAMILY DID, DARLING,
TILL 20 YEARS AGO.
I KNOW,
BUT, AUNTIE-
AHEM!
WE'RE READY
TO LEAVE NOW, MA'AM.
THE HELPERS
HAVE ARRIVED?
THEY'LL MEET US
AT THE CASTLE, MA'AM.
YOU'RE GOING,
AUNTIE?
OF COURSE.
GUESTS ARE COMING.
NOBLESSE OBLIGE.
MADAME, THERE'S SURE
TO BE A DOWNPOUR.
I'M AFRAID
THERE WILL BE.
YOU KNOW,
AUNTIE,
YOU'RE NOT WELL.
OH, VERY WELL.
EXTEND MY REGRETS
TO THE SOLDIERS
AND TELL THEM
I'LL COME TO SEE THEM
AS SOON AS I'M ABLE.
YES, MA'AM.
AUNTIE,
WHAT DOES IT MEAN-
NOBLESSE OBLIGE?
OH, THAT'S JUS AN EXPRESSION, DARLING.
BUT WHA DOES IT MEAN?
YOU WERE GOING OU BECAUSE OF IT.
NOBLESSE OBLIGE
IS FRENCH.
IT MEANS-WELL, YOU'RE
LADY JESSICA DE CANTERVILLE,
AND I'M THE HONORABLE
MRS. POLVERDINE.
THOSE OF US WHO ARE NOBLY BORN
MUST PROVE THEMSELVES WORTHY OF I BY BEING EVER KIND
AND GRACIOUS
AND THOUGHTFUL
FOR OTHERS,
AND BY LIVING
NOT TO TAKE,
BUT TO GIVE.
THAT IS OUR OBLIGATION.
SO, WHEN GUESTS ARRIVE,
WHY, WE MUST WELCOME THEM
AND SEE THAT THEY ENJOY
THEIR STAY WITH US.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND,
CHILD?
YES.
AUNTIE, THESE AMERICANS,
WILL THEY BE
COWBOYS AND INDIANS?
SOME OF THEM,
I DARE SAY.
AUNTIE, WHAT DOES ONE DO
TO MAKE INDIANS WELCOME?
JESSICA! YOU'RE NO THINKING OF GOING.
YES. SOMEONE SHOULD
MAKE OUR GUESTS WELCOME.
BUT AREN'T YOU
AFRAID OF THE GHOST?
YES, AUNTIE.
AND YOU STILL THINK
YOU OUGHT TO GO?
YES, AUNTIE. IT IS
MY CASTLE, ISN'T IT?
YOU'RE ONLY 6,
DARLING.
I KNOW, BUT, AUNTIE,
NOBLESSE OBLIGE.
IT-IT STARTS WHEN
YOU'RE BORN, DOESN'T IT?
RUN ALONG, THEN.
THANK YOU, AUNTIE.
OH!
STAY CLOSE
TO MRS. UMNEY.
DON'T WORRY
ABOUT ME, AUNTIE.
GHOSTS ALMOST NEVER
COME OUT IN THE DAYTIME.
OK, EVERYBODY,
WE'RE MOVING IN!
WELCOME TO CANTERVILLE
CASTLE, GENTLEMEN.
THANK YOU.
HELLO, MISTER.
SOME SPREAD.
PLEASED TO MEET YOU.
WHAT A PLACE!
HELLO.
HIYA,
MR. CANTERVILLE.
WHY-
WOW! PIPE THE GUY
IN THE TIN SUIT.
HEY, THIS IS OK.
YOU AIN'T KIDDIN'.
SAY, ALL THIS ROOM
IN ONE ROOM.
YODEL-LEI-HEE!
WONDER WHEN
THE TRAINS COME IN.
HEY, THIS PLACE
KIND OF REMINDS ME
OF THE OLD MANHATTAN
BOXING ARENA.
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW,
SLAP-HAPPY?
THE ONLY THING
YOU SAW IN THE AREA
WAS THE CEILING WHEN
THEY CARRIED YOU OUT.
WELL,
NOT BAD.
NOT HALF BAD,
BY JOVE.
PUP TENTS ARE OK
FOR THE HOI POLLOI.
ME, I PREFER THE COMFORTS
OF THE HEARTH.
YES, SIR, WITHOUT THE SIMPLE
LUXURIES OF LIFE-
A COMFORTABLE CHAIR, A CHEERY
BLAZE, AND A SPOT OF BRANDY,
I SIMPLY WILT AWAY
AND PERISH.
TAKE YOUR BIG FEE OFF OF THERE, WILLIAMS,
OR I'LL PERISH YOU.
GET A GOOD NIGHT'S
SLEEP, MEN.
YOU'LL NEED IT.
YOU WANT ME, MR. PEABODY, I'LL
BE AT HEADQUARTERS IN THE VILLAGE.
YES, SIR, CAPTAIN.
GOOD NIGHT.
ATTENTION!
REMEMBER, SERGEANT,
THIS IS NOT OUR PROPERTY.
YES, SIR.
CARRY ON.
WILLIAMS, YOU DON' DO THAT AT HOME, DO YOU?
YEAH.
WELL, DON'T DO IT HERE!
I BEG
YOUR PARDON.
SHALL I SERVE TEA
NOW, GENTLEMEN?
TEA?
MRS. UMNEY THOUGH AFTER YOUR JOURNEY
YOU'D BE A BIT DONE IN.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
THANKS.
VERY GOOD, SIR.
NOW, LISTEN,
FELLAS.
IT SAYS HERE IN THE LITTLE
INSTRUCTION BOOK,
"WHEN YOU'RE GUESTS
OF THE BRITISH,
"YOU GOTTA ACT LIKE
YOU'D EXPECT THEM TO AC IF THEY CAME TO AMERICA."
REMEMBER WHAT IT SAYS
ABOUT FOOD.
HERE.
"IF A BRITISHER
EXHORTS YOU TO EA "OR JOIN HIM IN A SPOT OF TEA,
GO EASY.
"IT MAY BE HIS RATION
FOR ONE WEEK,
SPREAD OUT JUST TO SHOW YOU
HIS HOSPITALITY."
EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN,
BUT LADY JESSICA WOULD LIKE
TO SAY GOOD EVENING.
LADY JESSICA?
OH, BOY!
YES. LADY JESSICA
DE CANTERVILLE,
THE OWNER
OF THE CASTLE.
WELL, UH, TELL HER
WE'D BE HONORED.
VERY GOOD, SIR.
WHAT DO YOU SAY
TO A DAME THAT'S A LADY?
DO YOU HAVE TO
KISS HER HAND?
NOW, WATCH IT.
LADY JESSICA
DE CANTERVILLE.
GOOD EVENING,
GENTLEMEN.
HOLY SMOKE!
IT'S A MIDGET.
NO. IT'S A HALF-PINT.
HOW DO YOU DO?
I KNOW YOU'VE
COME A LONG WAY,
AND I WANT YOU
ALL TO KNOW
I'M GLAD
YOU'RE HERE.
AND I DO SO HOPE YOU'LL ENJOY YOUR STAY
IN MY CASTLE.
THANK YOU,
MY LADY,
AND MAY I SAY ON
BEHALF OF MY COMPATRIOTS
THAT WE'RE VERY GRATEFUL
FOR YOUR HOSPITALITY.
YEAH, LIKEWISE.
YOU'RE OK,
YOUR MAJESTY.
THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.
YOU'LL EXCUSE
THE FELLAS, I HOPE.
WE THOUGHT LADY JESSICA
WAS, UH-
I THOUGHT A GIRL HAD TO BE
MARRIED BEFORE SHE WAS A LADY.
HA HA HA!
OH, DEAR, NO.
A LADY IS A LADY
WHEN SHE BEHAVES LIKE ONE,
MY AUNTIE SAYS.
YOUR AUNTIE
IS QUITE RIGHT.
WHICH OF YOU
ARE INDIANS?
HA HA HA!
HE'S AN INDIAN.
YES? TO WHICH TRIBE
DO YOU BELONG?
HE'S
A HOBOKEN INDIAN.
I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE EVER READ
ABOUT THAT TRIBE.
HA HA HA HA.
TEA IS SERVED,
GENTLEMEN.
OF COURSE.
OF COURSE.
WILL YOU POUR,
MY LADY?
I WILL BE HAPPY TO.
FINE.
THIS WAY, GENTLEMEN.
MORE TEA?
NO, THANK YOU.
NO, THANK YOU.
WHO DID THAT?
WHO DID IT?
THAT'S NOT TEA,
SIR.
OH, IT ISN'T?
JORDAN, GET THAT BOTTLE OF
CLEANING FLUID OUT OF THE TRUCK.
OK.
IT'S NO USE,
SIR.
NOTHING WILL
TAKE IT OUT.
WHAT MADE THAT SPO WAS... BLOOD.
BLOOD?
BLOOD?
BLOOD.
BLOOD?
QUITE SO.
THAT'S THE BLOOD
OF LADY BARBARA MODISH,
WHO STABBED HERSELF
IN THE THROA WHEN SHE SAW... HIM.
HIM?
WHO-WHO IS HIM?
SIR SIMON.
OUR GHOST.
OH.
YOUR GHOST,
DID YOU SAY?
YES. HE'S QUITE THE MOS FAMOUS GHOST IN ENGLAND,
AND HE LIVES HERE
IN THIS CASTLE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
TAKE IT EASY.
WELL, IF YOU DON' WANT ME TO TELL YOU-
OH, BUT WE DO.
GIVE THE LADY
A CHANCE, FELLAS.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT SAYS IN THE LITTLE
WELL, IF SHE SAYS
THE CASTLE IS HAUNTED,
WHO ARE WE TO QUIBBLE?
THAT'S RIGHT.
IT MAY SOUND
SILLY TO YOU,
BUT AUNTIE TOLD ME
THE SPOT WON'T COME OUT.
REALLY.
AND I'VE EVEN SEEN
THE GHOST MYSELF.
NO FOOLING?
AND THAT'S THE DOOR
TO HIS BEDCHAMBER
BEHIND
THAT TAPESTRY,
ISN'T IT,
MRS. UMNEY?
YES. HE WAS WALLED UP IN THERE
CENTURIES AGO.
HOLY CATFISH!
THAT'S
AWFUL.
YES, AND EVERY
NIGHT NOW,
ON THE STROKE OF 12:00,
HIS GUILTY SPIRI COMES THROUGH THAT DOOR
AND WALKS THE HALLS, SUPPOSEDLY
IN SEARCH OF A KINSMAN,
THEN GOES BACK AGAIN.
OH.
NO KIDDING.
OH, GENTLEMEN,
BEWARE.
I'VE SEEN THINGS
WITH MY OWN EYES
THAT WOULD MAKE
ANY CHRISTIAN'S HAIR
STAND ON END.
I'LL BE YOU HAVE.
I'VE READ ALL
ABOUT I IN A BIG BOOK AUNTIE'S
GOT IN THE GATEHOUSE.
I SHOULDN'T TELL YOU THIS
BEFORE BEDTIME,
BUT THE DOWAGER DUCHESS
OF STUTFIELD
WAS FOUND ONE NIGH ON THE BALCONY
OUTSIDE HER BEDROOM,
STARK STARING MAD.
THERE'S THE LOVELIES PICTURE OF HER
GIBBERING LIKE AN IDIOT.
HA HA HA!
YOU DON'T SAY!
YES.
SHE WAS PUTTING ON
HER DIAMOND LAVALIERE
WHEN A SHADOW
CAME OVER HER.
SHE TURNED,
AND THERE WAS THE GHOS AS THE CORPSE SNATCHER
OF CHERTSAY BARN.
CORPSE SNATCHER?
THAT'S AWFUL.
AND LADY MARGARET BILTON,
SHE DROWNED HERSELF
IN THE CARP POND.
DO YOU KNOW WHY?
NO. WHY?
BECAUSE THERE
HE WAS AGAIN,
COMING AFTER HER
WITH LONG, GREEN FINGERS
TWITCHING WITH PALSY
AND HIS EYES
BURNING LIKE COALS-
THE BLOODSUCKER
OF BEXLEY MOOR.
BLOODSUCKER?
DIDN'T I TELL YOU, FELLOWS?
WHO ARE WE TO QUIBBLE?
WHAT IS YOUR NAME,
PLEASE?
CUFFY WILLIAMS.
WELL, CUFFY WILLIAMS,
I KNOW VERY WELL THA YOU'VE BEEN LAUGHING AT ME,
BUT JUST YOU WAIT.
EXCUSE ME, MY LADY.
FAR BE IT FROM ME
TO CONTRADICT YOU,
BUT JUST YOU WAIT.
IF IT RAINED LIKE THIS
IN CALIFORNIA,
WE WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
THANKS,
JORDAN.
MAY I, SERGEANT?
OH, SURE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUB TOO
HARD. IT'S WONDERFUL STUFF.
BUT, SIR,
THAT SPOT USED TO BE
MUCH OBSERVED BY TOURISTS,
AND IT BELONGS.
IF THIS STUFF WILL
TAKE OUT LIPSTICK,
IT OUGHT TO DO THIS.
HA HA HA!
WELL, LADY JESSICA?
UHHH...
GET SOME WATER,
SMELLING SALTS.
SOMEBODY
DO SOMETHING!
WELL,
CUFFY WILLIAMS?
EDDIE.
YEAH?
YOU AWAKE?
NO.
IS IT MIDNIGHT YET?
I DON'T KNOW.
GO TO SLEEP,
WILL YOU?
AAH!
HEY! HEY! HE'S HERE!
HE'S HERE!
HE BIT ME!
HE BIT ME!
HE BIT ME!
HE BIT ME!
WHO BIT YOU?
WHAT BIT YOU? WHERE?
IT MUST HAVE BEEN
THAT BLOODSUCKER.
OH, PIPE DOWN.
YOU MUST HAVE
BEEN DREAMING.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN
THE BLOODSUCKER!
LOOK AT THE TEETH
MARKS!
WHAT AM I,
YOUR MOTHER?
YOU'RE THE SERGEANT,
AIN'T YOU?
GET UP!
HEY, FELLAS,
LOOK-
THIS SWORD FELL DOWN
AND SCARED HIM.
WELL, BLESS HIS
LITTLE HEART.
OH.
OH, IT WAS-
IT WAS THE SWORD.
IMAGINE THAT.
DID THE BIG BAD GHOS FRIGHTEN THE LITTLE BUTTERCUP?
YEAH?
AW, FOR PETE'S SAKE,
TURN IT OFF, WILL YOU?
THERE ARE NO SUCH
THINGS AS GHOSTS.
WELL, SOMETHING MADE
THAT SPOT COME BACK.
THE CLEANING FLUID
DIDN'T TAKE, THAT'S ALL.
ALL I KNOW-
ALL RIGHT, KIDDIES,
NOW, BUNK IN
AND GO BEDDY BYE-BYE.
ONE.
TWO.
SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY
DRAGGING ASH CANS AROUND.
NO. IT'S CHAINS.
SHH!
OOH...
OH...
THAT AIN' NO ASH CAN.
YEE AH YEE!
YA HA HA HA HA HA!
AH HA HA!
YA HA HA HA HA!
HEY, GRANDPA,
YOUR SHIRTTAIL'S
HANGING OUT.
YEAH, SCRAM,
DRIBBLE-PUSS.
BOO!
GO BACK
IN YOUR HOLE!
YEAH, GO ON!
GET OUT OF HERE!
TAKE WARNING!
GET OUT OF HERE!
DUCK, FELLOWS!
DID-DID YOU ALL SEE WHAT I SAW?
THE BULLETS WENT RIGHT THROUGH HIM.
WHAT ABOU THAT ROPE?
YEAH. YOU SAW IT, SARGE.
YEAH.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT,
BUT I SAW IT.
LET'S FACE IT, SARGE.
THAT WAS A REAL GHOST.
WHAT DID I
TELL YOU?
HOW ABOUT THAT BLOOD SPOT AND THE KID?
I TOLD YOU SO.
DIDN'T I, EDDIE?
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
HOLLERED AT HIM LIKE THAT.
THAT'S NO WAY TO
TREAT A GHOST.
IT CHASED HIM AWAY,
DIDN'T IT?
WHAT IF
HE COMES BACK?
HE MIGHT COME BACK
AT THAT.
HEY, FELLAS,
LISTEN.
YA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
YOO...
A GHOST!
MMM!
PFFT!
YOO...
AWAY!
OOH! OOH!
OOH!
I- I SAID AWAY!
BOO!
AH!
BOO!
AH! AAH!
HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
OH! MY TOE!
HA HA HA HA HA!
OH!
OH!
HE WAS LOOKING
FOR A KINSMAN,
AND, BOY,
DID HE FIND ONE!
OH!
SERGEANT, WE WON'T BE DOING
ANYTHING STRENUOUS TODAY, WILL WE?
DOING IT WITH
PHANTOMS YET!
I'M TIREDER THAN
A SHARECROPPER'S MULE.
CUT THE GROUSING,
FELLAS.
HERE COMES THE LOOEY.
ATTENTION!
AT EASE.
GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
WE'RE NOW OFFICIALLY ATTACHED
TO A UNIT OF THE BRITISH COMMANDOS.
SO WE'RE GONNA
CELEBRATE BY
STARTING RIGHT OUT ON OUR
10-HOUR ENDURANCE HIKE.
FORCED MARCHING RATE
FOR EIGHT HOURS.
DOUBLE TIME
THE LAST TWO.
OHH...
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH THE MEN, SERGEANT?
AS A MATTER OF FACT, SIR, I'M AFRAID
THEY DIDN'T EXACTLY
SLEEP SO WELL LAST NIGHT.
REALLY?
WHY NOT?
WELL, MAYBE
IT WAS, UH...
YOU KNOW
HOW IT IS
WHEN YOU SLEEP
IN A NEW PLACE.
HMM.
OHH...
WALTERS!
IS THAT WHA KEPT YOU UP?
OH, NO, SIR.
WHAT KEPT ME UP
WAS SEEING THE GHOST.
WASN'T IT,
EDDIE?
THAT'S RIGHT-
I MEAN,
YES, SIR.
YOU, UH...
ALL SAW A GHOST?
YES, SIR.
YES, SIR.
YES, SIR.
YOU SHOULD HAVE
BEEN THERE, SIR.
FIRST HE
HUNG HIMSELF.
THEN HE CAME BACK AND HELD
HIS HEAD OUT JUST LIKE THIS.
BY THE HAIR!
ISN'T THAT TOO,
TOO DREADFUL?
YES, SIR.
BIG, HUSKY,
MAN-EATING RANGERS.
BEST PLATOON
IN THE OUTFIT.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO WHEN YOU SEE NAZIS?
BUT NAZIS ARE
TANGIBLE, SIR.
I'LL SAY THEY ARE. WE
CAN TANGLE WITH THEM, SIR.
SUPPOSE YOU TANGLE WITH ME FIRST.
LET'S GET IT STRAIGHT THIS TIME.
WHAT KEPT YOU UP
LAST NIGHT,
A CRAP GAME?
NO, SIR! NO!
IT BEGAN WITH AN
ECTOPLASMIC MANIFESTATION.
IT BEGAN
WITH A WHAT?
AN ECTOPLASMIC
MANIFESTATION.
SERGEANT!
WHAT REALLY KEPT THEM UP LAST NIGHT?
WELL?
IT WAS THE GHOST,
SIR.
ALL RIGHT, SERGEANT.
I GUARANTEE THE MEN WILL SLEEP TONIGHT.
FORM THE PLATOON.
YES, SIR.
FALL IN!
DRESS
RIGHT DRESS!
STRAIGHTEN UP THERE!
READY... FRONT!
SIR, THE PLATOON
IS FORMED.
WILLIAMS, I SUPPOSE
YOU GOT THAT LIMP
FROM BEING CHASED
BY THE GHOST?
NO, SIR. I WAS
CHASING HIM.
BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. I CAN WALK.
YOU CAN WALK YOURSELF
RIGHT BACK INTO THAT CASTLE
AND SPEND THE NEXT 10 HOURS
CLEANING IT OUT.
YES, SIR.
WHILE YOU'RE ABOUT IT, WILLIAMS,
CLEAN OUT OUR LITTLE SPOOK, TOO.
YES, SIR.
RIGHT FACE!
CLOSE MARCH!
HELLO THERE, LADY.
OH, IT'S YOU.
WELL, WHO DID YOU
THINK IT WAS?
OH, I-
NO ONE.
I- I WAS JUST GOING
INTO THE PANTRY.
YEAH? THEN WHY DID YOU TAKE
THAT GREAT CIRCLE ROUTE?
AUNTIE THOUGHT THE MESS
SERGEANT MIGHT LIKE SOME ONIONS.
AND I'M A BROWNIE.
WE RAISE ONIONS
AND BRUSSELS SPROUTS,
LIKE THE GIRL GUIDES DO.
OH, COME NOW.
IT WAS THE GHOST THA SCARED YOU, WASN'T IT?
I...
WHAT IF IT WERE?
BUT THAT'S SILLY.
THE OLD BOY CALLED ON US LAST NIGHT,
AND WE CHASED HIM RIGHT UP THE CHIMNEY.
OH, YOU DIDN'T.
YOU THINK
I'M KIDDING, UH?
WELL, WE'LL ASK OLD
FOXY GRANDPA HIMSELF.
THAT-THAT WON' BE NECESSARY.
YOU STAY RIGHT HERE.
UH-HUH. PLAYING POSSUM.
HEY, GRANDPA,
OPEN UP!
WELL...
A- CALLING WE WILL GO,
MY LADY,
TO BEARD THE LION
IN HIS DEN.
OH, NO, PLEASE. AUNTIE'S
EXPECTING ME HOME.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
BE AFRAID OF HIM.
YOU ONLY THINK
YOU DO.
NOW YOU JUST PRETEND
THAT YOU'RE NOT AFRAID,
AND YOU WON'T BE.
THAT'S ALL
THERE IS TO IT.
ARE YOU SURE?
I'LL PROVE I TO YOU.
COME ON.
HEY!
GHOST, WHERE
YOU HIDING?
THAT MUST BE WHERE
HE WAS WALLED UP.
AH...
WHERE THE DARK DEED
WAS DONE.
HERE, HOLD THIS.
HEY, THIS ONE'S LOOSE.
I'LL JUST PRY IT OUT,
THEN WE...
HELLO.
MUST YOU INVADE
EVEN MY TOMB?
WILL THERE BE NO PLACE
I CAN CALL SANCTUARY?
RELAX, GRANDPA.
THIS IS JUST A LITTLE SOCIAL CALL.
THERE'S SOMEONE HERE I WANT YOU TO MEET.
I HAVE ALREADY ME YOUR COLONIAL RUFFIANS.
TAKE IT EASY,
GRANDPA.
NOBODY'S GOING TO
HURT YOU.
HEY! DON' FADE OUT ON ME.
I WANT YOU TO MEE LADY JESSICA.
SIR SIMON THE GHOST.
MILADY.
HOW DO YOU DO?
NOT TOO WELL.
THANK YOU.
BLESS YOU.
THANK YOU.
ATTAGIRL!
SHE'S BEEN SCARED STIFF
OF YOU ALL HER LIFE.
I JUST WANTED
TO PROVE TO HER
THAT YOU WOULDN' HURT A FLEA.
SIR, MY RECORD
SPEAKS FOR ITSELF-
AN UNBROKEN REIGN OF
TERROR FOR 300 YEARS.
WELL, RECORD
OR NO RECORD,
AS LONG AS HER
LADYSHIP'S AROUND,
YOU'VE GOT TO
BEHAVE YOURSELF.
IT IS ABSURD, ASKING
ME TO BEHAVE MYSELF,
QUITE ABSURD.
I MUST RATTLE MY CHAINS
AND GROAN THROUGH KEYHOLES.
I MUST GIBBER FROM
THE ORIEL WINDOW
ON THE FIRST AND THIRD
WEDNESDAYS IN EVERY MONTH.
IT IS MY SOLEMN DUTY
TO WALK THESE HALLS.
WELL, IN THAT CASE,
YOU'D BETTER GET YOURSELF ANOTHER
CASTLE FOR THE DURATION, BROTHER.
BUT CUFFY, HE CAN'T.
HE'S THE FAMILY GHOST.
AMERICANS, CHILD.
WHAT CAN A PEOPLE WITHOU ANCESTORS KNOW ABOUT GHOSTS?
NOW, WAI A MINUTE.
I TAKE IT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD
OF THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN
OR RED GRANGE,
THE GALLOPING GHOST.
PROVINCIAL STUFF.
SPIRITS WITH NEITHER CREST NOR TITLE.
OH, WE HAVE
TITLES, TOO-
PRINCE MIKE ROMANOFF,
COUNT BASIE,
DUKE ELLINGTON.
YOU DON'T SAY SO.
MM-HMM.
NOBILITY IN A DEMOCRACY. BALDERDASH.
BUT, MR. GHOST-
I MEAN, SIR SIMON-
WE'VE HAD DEMOCRACY
HERE IN ENGLAND
EVER SINCE
THE MAGNA CARTA,
BUT I HAVE NEVER CHOSEN TO RECOGNIZE IT.
BUT YOU SHOULD,
SIR SIMON.
THAT'S WHAT WE'RE FIGHTING
THIS WAR ABOUT,
MY AUNTIE SAYS.
THAT'S THE STUFF,
MY LADY!
YOU SEE? YOU'RE
NOT SCARED A BIT.
OH...
NOW THAT YOU TWO
CANTERVILLES ARE ACQUAINTED,
YOU MUST HAVE A LOT OF
FAMILY MATTERS TO GAB ABOUT,
SO, UH, I'LL GET ON
WITH MY CLEANING.
YOU, UH, SURE
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT?
YES. THANK YOU.
UNLESS YOU'D RATHER
BE ALONE.
OH, NO, NO.
PLEASE,
PRAY SIT DOWN.
I'VE FORGOTTEN
MY MANNERS.
WELL, IF I MAY SAY SO,
YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE
MORE POLITE TO CUFFY JUST NOW.
AFTER WHAT HE AND HIS BAND
OF HOOLIGANS DID TO ME?
I MAY HAVE VERY LITTLE ELSE,
BUT I STILL HAVE MY PRIDE.
MAYBE THEY WOULDN' HAVE DONE ANYTHING TO YOU
IF YOU HADN' FRIGHTENED THEM.
WHAT ELSE IS THERE
FOR ME TO DO?
I AM A GHOST. I MUST FRIGHTEN PEOPLE.
AND I HAVE A REPUTATION
TO UPHOLD.
THE MOST FEARSOME PHANTOM
IN ALL ENGLAND CANNOT-
BUT CUFFY TOLD ME THAT THEY CHASED
YOU UP THE CHIMNEY LAST NIGHT.
THAT WAS ONLY BECAUSE
THOSE HOOLIGANS HAD...
LADY JESSICA...
I CANNOT PRETEND
ANY LONGER.
SINCE LAST NIGHT,
IT IS I
WHO AM FRIGHTENED,
I WHO TREMBLE A THE SLIGHTEST NOISE.
POOR, POOR GHOST.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A GHOST,
NIGHT AFTER NIGHT,
DAY AFTER DAY,
TO LIVE IN EMPTINESS
BETWEEN HEAVEN AND EARTH
WITH NOTHING FOR COMPANY
BUT YOUR BITTER MEMORIES?
BUT DO YOU HAVE TO
KEEP ON BEING A GHOST?
I AM CONDEMNED
TO BE A GHOS UNTIL A KINSMAN PERFORM
A BRAVE DEED IN MY BEHALF.
I HAVE WALKED THESE HALLS
FOR THREE CENTURIES,
AND I'M SO TIRED.
IF ONLY I COULD REST.
IF ONLY I COULD DIE.
TO BE BURIED
IN THE SOFT, BROWN EARTH
IN THE GARDEN
BEYOND THE PINE WOODS,
TO HAVE NO YESTERDAY
AND NO TOMORROW,
TO FORGET TIME,
TO BE AT PEACE.
OH, DEAR.
I WISH I COULD DO A BRAVE DEED FOR YOU.
HOW GOES IT, LADY?
OH, FINE.
SORRY TO BUST UP
THIS LITTLE REUNION,
BUT THE LOOEY WILL
BE BACK IN A MINUTE.
GOOD-BYE, SIR SIMON.
I'M VERY HAPPY
TO HAVE MET YOU.
CUFFY, I THINK YOU OUGH TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS
NOT TO CHASE HIM
UP THE CHIMNEY ANYMORE.
WELL, THAT DEPENDS
ON HIM.
BUT HE'S SO OLD
AND SO TIRED.
HUH!
EXCUSE ME, MY LADY.
SEE YOU LATER.
SIR SIMON,
I JUST SAW-
CUFFY HAS THE CANTERVILLE
MARK ON HIS NECK.
WHAT?
EXACTLY LIKE
MY FATHER HAD.
THAT AMERICAN
RUFFIAN?
ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?
HE MUST BE A CANTERVILLE.
EGAD, AND WHAT IF
HE BE A CANTERVILLE?
SHALL I PRANCE
JOYOUSLY AROUND
LIKE A SAUCY
ANTELOPE?
BUT, SIR SIMON,
IF HE IS A KINSMAN, AND IF HE
DOES A BRAVE DEED IN YOUR NAME,
HE CAN SAVE YOU,
CAN'T HE?
CAN IT BE THAT THEY
HAVE CONCEALED FROM THEE
WHY I AM STILL HERE?
DOST FANCY 'TIS BECAUSE
I CANNOT FIND A KINSMAN?
WELL, I HEARD
MR. POTTS SAY
THAT THE CANTERVILLES ALWAYS
TURNED OUT TO BE COWARDS.
IS IT THAT?
COWARDS?
GROSS FLATTERY.
HAD THEY TWICE
THE COURAGE,
'TWOULD ONLY GIVE THEM HALF THE NAME.
THY GRANDFATHER, WOULD HE MOUNT A HORSE?
THY FATHER,
SO FEARFUL OF WATER
THAT HE TREMBLED
IN HIS BATH...
OR THYSELF, SWOONING A THE MERE SIGHT OF MY SHADOW.
REALLY, NOW!
IT'S YOUR FAMILY, TOO, SIR SIMON!
ONLY TOO WELL DO I KNOW.
BUT, SIR SIMON,
WAIT.
CUFFY CAN SAVE YOU.
I KNOW IT.
IT ISN'T TRUE THAT ALL
CANTERVILLES HAVE TO BE COWARDS.
HAVEN'T I LIVED
LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW?
I WAS A COWARD,
WASN'T I?
I WAS FRIGHTENED
TO DEATH OF YOU.
NOW LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT ME!
I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU
ANYMORE, NOT IN THE LEAST.
DON'T YOU SEE,
SIR SIMON?
NAY, NAY. 'TWAS IN
THEIR BLOOD AND BONES.
IT ISN'T IN MY
BLOOD AND BONES,
AND IT ISN' IN CUFFY'S.
YOU CAN TELL HE'S BRAVE
JUST BY LOOKING AT HIM.
OH, SIR SIMON, I'LL ARRANGE
FOR YOU TO MEET HIM AGAIN,
AND IF IT TURNS OUT THA HE IS A CANTERVILLE...
MY GOODNESS! PERHAPS YOU'LL
BE ABLE TO GO TO SLEEP
IN THE GARDEN BEYOND
THE PINE WOODS AFTER ALL.
PLEASE, SIR SIMON.
VERY WELL, CHILD.
SIR SIMON,
WHERE ARE YOU?
HERE, HERE.
GOOD EVENING, SIR SIMON.
I BROUGHT HIM.
SIR?
HOW ARE YOU, SIR SIMON?
WHAT'S COOKING?
COOKING?
YEAH. I MEAN,
WHAT'S ALL THE MYSTERY?
THE SERGEANT WILL HAVE
THE BLOODHOUNDS AFTER ME
IF I'M NO IN THE HAY BY 9:00.
AND AUNTIE WILL BE
AFTER ME
IF SHE FINDS OU I'M NOT IN BED.
GO ON, SIR SIMON,
ASK HIM.
WELL, TELL ME,
PRITHEE...
OH, YES.
I AM AWARE THAT FEW AMERICANS
KNOW THEIR OWN GRANDFATHERS,
BUT DOST THOU
BY ANY MIRACLE
REMEMBER AUGH OF THINE ANCESTORS?
ANCESTORS? MY OLD MAN
WOULD NEVER LOOK INTO HIS.
SAID HE WAS SCARED HE MIGHT TURN UP
ONE THAT ENDED UP ON THE HOT SEAT.
HOT SEAT? NOWADAYS, ENGLAND AND
AMERICA HAVE EVERYTHING IN COMMON
EXCEPT, OF COURSE,
THE LANGUAGE.
SIR SIMON! THINK BACK,
CUFFY, PLEASE.
TRY TO REMEMBER.
WE DON'T GO IN MUCH
FOR THAT SORT OF THING
IN THE STATES.
WAIT A MINUTE. I HAD AN AUNT MARTHA.
SHE WAS A LITTLE WACKY ON THE SUBJECT.
ONCE, SHE DID TRACE MY
MOTHER'S FAMILY TREE BACK
AS FAR AS SOME GUY THA LANDED IN MASSACHUSETTS
WAY, WAY BACK.
HIS NAME WAS,
UH, MARMALADE-
NO, NO.
MARMADUKE.
MARMADUKE. THAT SAME
MARMADUKE WHO FLED TO SALEM
AFTER CROMWELL SCATTERED THE
CHIVALRY OF ENGLAND TO THE FOUR WINDS.
OH, SIR SIMON!
YOU KNEW HIM?
YEA. HE WAS THE SON
OF MY BROTHER ANTHONY.
OH, NOW,
TAKE IT EASY, SIR SIMON.
HOW DO YOU KNOW
IT'S THE SAME MARMADUKE?
SHOW HIM.
HOLY CATS!
NOW THINE,
PLEASE.
HOLY CATS,
INDEED!
WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
WELL, I'LL BE...
WELL, THAT MAKES ME,
UH...
YOUR...
NEPHEW. GREAT-GREAT-
GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-NEPHEW.
AYE, THOU AR A KINSMAN,
A KINSMAN
WHO CAN FREE ME
FROM THESE
EARTHLY BONDS.
BY PERFORMING
A BRAVE DEED IN HIS NAME.
I CAN, HUH?
WILT WEAR MY SIGNET, KINSMAN,
AND CARRY IT INTO BATTLE IN MY BEHALF?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW,
NOW.
SEE, UH...
A COLONIAL RUFFIAN
LIKE ME
SAVING A BLUE BLOOD
LIKE YOU?
OH, BUT, CUFFY,
YOU MUST SAVE HIM.
HE'S SO TIRED AND SLEEPY.
I COULDN'T EAT MY SUPPER
TONIGHT FROM WORRYING OVER HIM.
BESIDES, THOU ART A CANTERVILLE THYSELF,
THE BLUEST BLOOD IN
ALL BROAD ENGLAND.
THE BLUEST BLOOD,
HUH?
OK, IT'S A DEAL.
YOU'RE IN, UNCLE,
THE FIRST TIME THEY TURN
ME LOOSE ON THOSE NAZIS.
I SHALL BE EVERLASTINGLY
GRATEFUL, NEPHEW.
I, TOO.
WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME
TO GET YOU HOME, LADY.
THUMBS UP, UNCLE.
IT'S IN THE BAG.
OH, FATHER,
GRANT THAT HE BE NO LIKE THE OTHERS.
THE WHOLE DAY
WASTED.
RIGHT NOW WE COULD BE IN
LONDON, BUZZIN' THE TOWN.
YEAH, OR ON SKIRT PATROL,
SKIRMISHING.
WHAT GETS ME IS,
THE LOOEY STILL THINKS
WE WERE UP ALL NIGH SHOOTING CRAP.
IF HE'D ONLY SEEN
THE GHOST.
DON'T WORRY, SARGE.
MAYBE HE WILL YET.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HOW?
CLICK,
CLICK.
YOU MEAN, TAKE HIS PICTURE?
IF WE HAD A CAMERA,
WHICH WE AIN'T GOT,
BUT WHICH YOU GOT.
WE GOT.
BUM BUM LA-BA BUM BUM
HEY, LOOK OUT!
WE GOT!
WHOA!
WE GOT THE CAMERA
FOR THE GHOST PICTURE.
LISTEN, YOU GUYS, WHY DON' YOU LAY OFF THAT POOR OLD GHOST?
HE ISN'T BOTHERING US
ANYMORE, IS HE?
NOT MUCH! IF IT WASN'T FOR
HIM, WE WOULDN'T BE STUCK HERE.
YOU CAN'T BLAME HIM. AFTER
ALL, A GHOST HAS TO GROAN
THROUGH KEYHOLES
AND RATTLE HIS CHAINS.
WHY THE SUDDEN
SYMPATHY?
YEAH. WHO DREAMED UP
THE GAS-MASK IDEA?
WELL, I KNOW, BUT NOW I GOT A
SORT OF A PERSONAL INTEREST IN HIM.
I HAVE EVERY REASON TO BELIEVE THA I'M THE LONG-LOST DUKE OF CANTERVILLE,
THE BLUEST BLOOD
IN ALL BROAD ENGLAND.
THE DUKE OF CANTERVILLE?
SEEMS TO ME I SEEN YOU
IN THE INDUCTION CENTER.
IF I WERE YOU,
I'D BE CAREFUL WHA I SAID AND DID, SEE?
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE LOAFING
ON MY LAWN
AND TALKING BEFORE YOU'RE TALKED TO.
YOU CAN
- I BEG YOUR PARDON, YOUR GRACE.
THIS IS YOUR
PRIVATE LAWN?
YEA.
ONLY YOU CAN
LIE ON IT?
YEA.
EXCUSE ME,
YOUR GRACE.
WHOA!
HA HA HA HA!
WHOOPS! SORRY!
DO YOU MIND IF WE REMOVE THE COVERALLS?
STEADY, OLD CHAP. IT'S
DEPANTSING
THE DUKE.
HEY, LOOK!
LOOK!
GIVE ME MY PANTS!
HERE, HIDE BEHIND.
GOOD AFTERNOON,
EVERYBODY.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
THIS IS MY AUNT,
MRS. POLVERDINE.
GLAD TO MEET YOU.
I DON'T KNOW ALL YOUR NAMES,
BUT YOU'RE BUGSY, AREN'T YOU?
YES, MA'AM.
HOW DO YOU DO?
AND MR. WALTERS.
HE'S THE INDIAN.
AND...
AND... OH, AUNTIE,
THIS IS
CUFFY WILLIAMS.
HOW DO YOU DO,
PRIVATE WILLIAMS?
YOU'VE MADE QUITE AN
IMPRESSION ON MY NIECE.
THANK YOU.
CUFFY-
I MEAN, ALL OF YOU-
AUNTIE SAID
I MIGHT INVITE YOU
TO THE PARTY IN THE
VILLAGE THIS AFTERNOON.
OOH! GEE!
A PARTY!
IT'S ONLY A
HOLIDAY-AT-HOME DANCE,
BUT THERE'LL BE
REFRESHMENTS.
GIRLS, TOO?
OH, YES.
GIRLS, SHE SAYS.
WHAT ARE THEY?
WELL...
GIRLS, GIRLS,
GIRLS...
OH, I REMEMBER.
THEN YOU'LL COME?
SURE.
OH, YEAH.
DRIVE ALONG, THEN,
JESSICA.
I'M SO GLAD
TO HAVE MET YOU.
4:00. DON'T FORGET.
THANK YOU.
BYE.
GOOD-BYE!
BYE!
BYE!
BYE-BYE!
SEE YOU!
GOOD-BYE!
BYE!
DON'T FORGE THE GIRLS!
BYE!
WELL, WET YOUR WHISTLES.
WET YOUR WHISTLES.
WHAT DO YOU DO ON
MOONLIGHT NIGHTS, DIMPLES?
GRIND CRANKSHAFTS
FOR WELLINGTON BOMBERS.
OH.
BUT IT'S DAYTIME NOW.
OH, WELL.
I SAY, COULD, UH...
ME?
UM, WOULD YOU...
SAM, SAM, ASK HIM
IF HE WANTS TO DANCE.
HIM?
AYE, HIM.
RIGHT.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?
WHY, I'D LOVE TO.
I BET HE WAS A GOOD DANCER AT ONE TIME.
HERE'S YOUR DREAM MAN,
COOKIE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HA HA!
MY LADY, MAY I HAVE THE
PLEASURE OF THIS DANCE?
WITH ME?
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW.
YOU DON'T? THEN IT'S
HIGH TIME YOU LEARNED.
ISN'T IT,
MRS. POLVERDINE?
I THINK
SHE'S VERY FORTUNATE
TO HAVE SUCH A CHARMING
DANCING TEACHER.
THANK YOU.
MY LADY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I GO FORWARD,
YOU GO BACKWARD.
WHEN I GO BACKWARD,
VICE VERSA.
1-2-3, 1-2-3.
THAT-A GIRL.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD
BE MORE DIFFICULT.
IT IS FOR MOST PEOPLE.
SWING IT OUT, OLD-TIMER. COME ON.
MIND IF I SAW
THEM CATGUTS, MISTER?
MY LADY, LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE
STUCK WITH THE BUNION EXPRESS.
I CAN'T.
COME ON.
CLIMB ABOARD.
IS THIS INDIAN STYLE?
UGH!
WHOOP! WHOOP!
WHOOP!
HOBOKEN TRIBE.
I BELIEVE THEY CALL I WOOGIE-BOOGIE.
HEY DOODLE DOODLE
DA DA DA
DOODLE DOODLE
DOODLE DOO OOH DA
DOODLE DOODLE
DOO DOO OOH DOO DOO
HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE
THE BELLE OF THE BALL?
I LIKE IT VERY MUCH,
BUT DOES IT ALWAYS
MAKE YOU SO DIZZY?
IT MAKES MOST OF THEM
EVEN DIZZIER.
SUPPOSE YOU AND I
HAVE A SHORT ONE, HMM?
TWO, UH, NEAT.
YES, SIR.
ANYHOW, WOULD YOU
BELIEVE IT?
THE LIEUTENAN THINKS IT'S APPLESAUCE.
I BELIEVE YOU SAW THE
CANTERVILLE GHOST RIGHT ENOUGH,
BUT THE DAY
WILL NEVER DAWN
WHEN HE'D RUN AWAY FROM A
HUMAN BEING, THAT IT WON'T.
WAIT A MINUTE. HERE'S
THE GUY TO BELIEVE.
BOYS, MEET THE DUKE
OF CANTERVILLE HIMSELF.
AHH!
OH!
OH, THE DUKE
OF CANTERVILLE.
HONORED,
YOUR GRACE.
IF IT CAN BE CALLED AN HONOR
TO MEET A CANTERVILLE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH
BEING A CANTERVILLE?
WELL, SINCE YOU'RE SO WELL-ACQUAINTED
WITH THE GHOST, WHY NOT ASK HIM?
CUFFY, PLEASE, UH,
WILL YOU DANCE
WITH ME AGAIN?
SURE.
HEY, YOU!
IT'S ME. CUFFY.
ODD'S GALLOWS, WHAT A
FRIGHT THOU GAVEST ME.
UNCLE,
I'VE BEEN THINKING.
LOOK, YOU CAN COME INTO
FOCUS NOW. IT'S ONLY ME.
OH, EXCUSE ME.
THANKS. THAT'S BETTER.
IT'S SUCH A PROBLEM TO
HAVE TO WALK THESE NIGHTS.
UNCLE, IF YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO HANG AROUND HERE
UNTIL A CANTERVILLE
DOES A BRAVE DEED FOR YOU,
HOW COME YOU'RE STILL HERE
AFTER 300 YEARS?
HAS IT REALLY BEEN
THAT LONG?
WHAT HAPPENED WHEN
THEY TRIED TO SAVE YOU?
EXCUSE ME. I'M OVERDUE NOW. I REALLY
MUST GIBBER AT THE ORIEL WINDOW.
WAIT A MINUTE.
QUIT STALLING.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH
THE CANTERVILLES?
WRONG? SIR, ARE YOU
IMPUGNING THE FAMILY HONOR?
ALL RIGHT. I WAS WILLING
TO PLAY ALONG WITH YOU,
BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO
HOLD OUT ON ME...
NAY, NAY, KINSMAN.
I WAS MERELY TRYING
TO SPARE THEE.
SPARE ME?
WHAT? GO ON.
SPILL IT.
MAYHAP IT IS BETTER
IF THINE ANCESTORS
SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES.
COME WITH ME.
HEY, EDDIE.
HE'S OUT THERE.
HARRY. HARRY.
THE GHOST IS WALKING.
COME ON.
IN HERE, NEPHEW.
UH!
OH, EXCUSE ME.
I KEEP FORGETTING.
IT'S OK.
JUST A LITTLE NEW TO ME.
THIS MUST BE A ROOM I MISSED
SWEEPING OUT THE OTHER DAY.
WOULD THOU COULDS SWEEP AWAY ITS HISTORY.
GAZE UPON THEM,
OUR NOBLE FAMILY.
SIR GERALD DE CANTERVILLE,
THE PROUD SKIPPER
OF THE FRIGATE CRANSTON.
WHEN SHE SANK,
HE WAS THE FIRS TO LEAVE HIS SHIP.
SIR ANDREW DE CANTERVILLE.
HE SAW A GRENADIER LOSE A
FINGER AT BLENHEIM BATTLE
AND SWOONED AWAY.
AND THE BLESSED TWINS.
LIEUTENANT PAUL
RODE THE WRONG WAY
IN THE CHARGE
OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE.
LIEUTENANT PETER WAS
10 LENGTHS AHEAD OF HIM.
YOU MEAN
THEY WERE ALL COWARDS.
ALL.
AT THE MOMENT OF CRISIS,
THEIR EYES DISTEND,
THEIR KNEES BUCKLE,
THEIR HANDS TREMBLE
AS WITH THE AGUE.
AYE, OF ALL
THE HEROIC FAMILIES
THAT FOR CENTURIES
HAVE BRIGHTENED
THE HONOR AND GLORY
OF ENGLAND,
OURS HAD TO BE A BROOD
OF LILY-LIVERED TITMICE.
SO THAT'S WHY
YOU HELD OUT ON ME.
YOU THOUGHT IF I FOUND
OUT, I'D BE THE SAME WAY.
OH, NAY, NOT AT ALL.
IT NEVER ENTERED MY MIND.
THEN WHAT ARE YOU MAKING
ALL THE FUSS ABOUT?
SO THEY ALL TURNED
CHICKEN ON YOU.
SO THEY ALL HAVE CARROTS
FOR BREAKFAST ON TUESDAYS.
IT'S THE SAME THING
TO ME.
VERILY?
I DON'T CARE
WHAT THE OTHERS DID.
THIS IS CUFFY, SEE?
VERILY.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
WHEW!
NOW, HARRY, SHOOT!
WE GOT IT!
YIPPEE!
WHAT'S GOING ON?
THE GHOST'S
PICTURE.
HE GOT IT.
WHO?
HARRY!
HE'S IN THE ARMOR.
THAT-A BOY, HARRY.
HARRY, YOU GOT IT.
TAKE IT EASY, HARRY.
TAKE IT EASY, NOW.
CAREFUL. CAREFUL!
GEE, I BROKE IT,
DIDN'T I, EDDIE?
THAT'S RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, MEN, THIS IS IT.
START LOADING THE TRUCKS.
BATTLE EQUIPMENT!
CHECK THE MEN
FOR PERSONAL BELONGINGS.
WALKER-DYNAMITE,
PLUNGER BOXES, FUSE, WIRE.
OK, SERGEANT.
LET'S GO!
BROWN! BE SURE TO TAKE OFF THA RING. IT'LL SHINE IN THE DARK.
SURE THING, SARGE.
REMEMBER, WE BLOW
THE REFINERY AT 2350.
WE HAVE TO HOLD THIS POINT THE
EIGHT MINUTES IT TAKES US TO GET BACK
IN CASE ANY JERRIES COME DOWN THIS ROAD
FROM THE COAST AND TRY TO CUT US OFF.
CHECK?
CHECK.
CHECK.
McDOUGLE, YOU'LL FIND THE PHONE
WIRE ABOUT A HALF-MILE DOWN THE ROAD.
CUT IT AND GET BACK
TO YOUR CREW. YES, SIR.
SEE YOU LATER, KIDS.
PROTECTION PLUS
THE WIDEST RANGE OF FIRE.
YOU ALL SET?
YEP.
IT WON'T BE LONG NOW,
GWENDOLYN.
I THINK I'LL KEEP AN EYE OUT FROM ABOVE.
OK, CUFFY.
...BUT DELIVER US
FROM EVIL,
FOR THINE IS THE KINGDOM
AND THE POWER AND THE GLORY
FOREVER AND EVER.
AMEN.
I HAVE SO MUCH SPECIAL
TO ASK TONIGHT.
PLEASE TAKE CARE OF CUFFY.
PLEASE DO.
DON'T LET HIM GET HURT.
AND UNCLE SIMON-
YOU KNOW,
I TOLD YOU ABOUT HIM-
HE'S SUCH A POOR, POOR,
FUNNY OLD GHOST,
AND HE'S SO TIRED.
WON'T YOU PLEASE
LET CUFFY SAVE HIM
SO HE CAN GO TO SLEEP?
YE SKULKING, CRINGING,
MISBEGOTTEN PACKAGE OF PEAFOWL,
YE WRETCHED POLTROONS
WHO HAVE DARKENED
ENGLAND'S BRIGHTEST MOMENTS,
NOT FOR LONG NOW
WILL I HAVE YOU LEERING AT ME
IN CYNICAL MOCKERY,
NOT FOR LONG...
YE DRIBBLE-PUSSES.
AS FOR THEE,
CAPTAIN BERTRAM,
WHO HID TREMBLING
IN A WELL AT WATERLOO,
I SPIT IN THINE EYE.
THEE, FAT ALGERNON,
WHO POSED FOR TWO YEARS
AS A DOWAGER
TO ESCAPE FIGHTING
A DUEL,
I SPIT IN THINE EYE.
THEE, SIR PERCIVAL,
WHO FOUGHT THROUGH
THE THIRTY YEARS' WAR
WITHOUT FIRING
A SHOT...
OH!
THE RING!
OH! OH!
AAH!
OH! OH!
DID YOU SEE IT?
OH! AAH!
OOH!
AAH!
THE RING.
YOU FORGOT THE RING.
OH. WELL, GIVE IT HERE.
THANK YOU.
FORGET IT.
WELL?
THINKEST THOU THE ENEMY
WILL COME THIS WAY?
THAT ISN' WHAT'S WORRYING YOU.
WITH HALF AN EYE, ONE CAN SEE
THAT THOU HAST THE HEART OF A LION.
HORSEFEATHERS. GO AWAY, WILL YOU? GO ON!
I MERELY THOUGH I COULD BOLSTER YOU UP
IN CASE YOU WERE
A BIT SQUEAMISH.
I WANT TO BE SQUEAMISH!
QUIT CHECKING UP ON ME
AND SCRAM, WILL YOU?
AS YOU WILL.
I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU
TO BEAT IT.
THOU ART MY ONLY HOPE,
MY ONLY SALVATION.
SIGN OFF, WILL YOU?!
WHAT'S HAPPENED
TO THOSE GUYS?
TRIGGER!
KEEP A COOL HEAD. KEEP A
COOL HEAD. KEEP A COOL HEAD.
GET OUT OF HERE!
GO ON, GET OUT!
MOTORCYCLE PATROL.
LOTS OF THEM.
MM-HMM.
WE'LL WAIT TILL WE SEE
THE BACKS OF THEIR TONSILS.
GOD, THERE'S HOPE.
TRIGGER.
TRIGGER!
GET 'EM, CUFFY.
FIRE, NEPHEW, FIRE!
FIRE, NEPHEW, FIRE!
NEPHEW! NEPHEW!
NEPHEW.
OH, ICE CREAM AND COOKIES
FOR FLAT-FOOTED ROOKIES
SO CHEER UP, MY LADS,
BLESS THEM ALL
OH!
BLESS THEM ALL,
BLESS THEM ALL
THE LONG AND THE SHOR AND THE TALL
BLESS ALL THE BLONDIES
AND ALL THE BRUNETTES
EACH LAD IS HAPPY
TO TAKE WHAT HE GETS
'CAUSE WE'RE GIVING
THE EYE TO THEM ALL
THE ONES THAT ATTRAC OR APPALL
MAUD, MAGGIE, OR SUSIE,
YOU CAN'T BE TOO CHOOSY
WHEN YOU'RE IN CAMP,
BLESS THEM ALL
THE COLONEL'S COMPLIMENTS,
AND HE WANTS ME TO TELL YOU
THAT WE ARE THE BEST PLATOON
IN THE WHOLE OUTFIT.
HOORAY!
HOORAY!HOORAY!
BUT I'M NOT SATISFIED,
SO WE'RE GONNA TAKE
A LITTLE JAUNT INTO THE WOODS
AND IRON OUT THE MISTAKES
WE MADE ON OUR RAID.
RIGHT NOW.
RIGHT NOW!
FALL IN!
WILLIAMS.
I'VE DISCUSSED YOUR REPOR WITH THE COLONEL, AND HE FEELS
WE HAVE NO ALTERNATIVE BUT TO
TRANSFER YOU BACK TO YOUR OLD OUTFIT.
RULES ARE RULES, WILLIAMS, AND
WE CAN'T AFFORD TO RISK YOUR LIFE
AND THE LIVES OF OTHERS
TAKING ANOTHER CHANCE.
YES, SIR.
I'VE ARRANGED FOR A JEEP
TO PICK YOU UP AT 2200.
THANK YOU, SIR.
GOOD LUCK, WILLIAMS.
SIR, THE PLATOON
IS FORMED.
LEFT FACE!
RIGHT SHOULDER-
ARMS!
FORWARD MARCH!
GERTIE FROM BIZERTE
YOU'RE AS PURTY, PURTY,
PURTY AS CAN BE
GERTIE FROM BIZERTE
DON'T YOU NEVER,
EVER DARE DESERTIE ME
THOUGH YOUR LINGO
I DON'T KNOW
WHEN WE KISS, YOU MAKE ME
HOLLER "BINGO!" HO HO HO
GERTIE FROM BIZERTE
YOU'RE THE GAL FOR ME
CUFFY, I'VE BEEN
EXPECTING YOU FOR DAYS,
AND AUNTIE
PUT ME TO BED EARLY,
AND I COULDN'T SLEEP
ALL LAST NIGHT, AND-
CUFFY, WHAT HAPPENED?
YOU BETTER RUN ALONG HOME,
LADY. I GOT TO PACK.
YOU'RE GOING AWAY?
YEAH.
OH, CUFFY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
LOOK AT ME.
I'M A CANTERVILLE,
ALL RIGHT,
JUST AS COWARDLY
AS THE REST OF THEM.
DON'T SAY THAT.
YOU'RE NOT A COWARD.
YOU'RE BRAVE.
I KNOW IT.
I KNOW IT.
ALL RIGHT, LADY,
HAVE IT YOUR OWN WAY.
CUFFY.
I'M SORRY
IT TURNED OUT THIS WAY.
GOOD-BYE, LADY.
CUFFY...
CUFFY! CUFFY!
THERE'S A PARACHUTE. I
JUST SAW IT COMING DOWN.
MAYBE A NAZI
CAME DOWN IN IT.
OH, CUFFY,
WHAT WILL WE DO?
WHERE IS
THAT PARACHUTE, LADY?
IT'S THIS SIDE
OF THE STONE BRIDGE.
WHERE'S THE STONE BRIDGE?
DO YOU KNOW THE OLD SIDE ROAD? NO.
I'LL TAKE YOU.
I KNOW A SHORTCUT.
ALL RIGHT. COME ON.
WE'LL GO IN THE JEEP.
THERE.
YOU STAY HERE.
DUCK DOWN.
DUCK DOWN!
PARACHUTE MINE!
A BLOCKBUSTER!
LET'S GO, LADY!
THAT THING GOES OFF, IT'LL KILL EVERY
LIVING THING WITHIN A HALF A MILE!
THE SLIGHTEST JAR
MIGHT START IT TICKING.
LOOK! THE RANGERS.
THEY'RE SCATTERED
ALL THROUGH THE WOODS.
THEY'LL BE KILLED.
JESSICA, GET BACK
TO THE CASTLE QUICK!
BUT AREN'T YOU
COMING?
I GOT TO HAUL IT AWAY WITH THE
JEEP, DUMP IT OVER THE CLIFF.
GET GOING NOW. RUN QUICK!
HIDE IN THE CELLAR!
RUN!
LADY JESSICA!
OH, UNCLE SIMON!
WHERE'S CUFFY? HAS HE
ENCOUNTERED THE ENEMY?
OH, UNCLE SIMON, CUFFY'S
MOVING A BLOCKBUSTER.
HE'S DOING THE BRAVES DEED THAT EVER WAS.
THE PORTRAI OF A CANTERVILLE.
NO, UNCLE, NO!
YOU'RE NOT A COWARD!
YOU'RE NOT A COWARD!
CUFFY, YOU WERE
DOING THE BRAVE DEED.
DON'T YOU SEE?
YOU CAN DO IT!
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID
BECAUSE YOU'RE A CANTERVILLE.
YOU ONLY THINK YOU DO.
LOOK, CUFFY, I'M NO AFRAID OF THE MINE!
LOOK, CUFFY, LOOK!
I'M NOT AFRAID OF THE
MINE! LOOK, CUFFY, LOOK!
I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING
BECAUSE, BECAUSE...
IT'S TICKING!
JESSICA!
RUN FOR IT, LADY!
I'M ALL RIGHT NOW.
GO GET OUT OF HERE.
I'M ALL RIGHT,
I TELL YOU! RUN!
OUT OF MY WAY!
CAREFUL, NEPHEW.
CAREFUL.
GET IN, UNCLE.
KEEP YOUR EYE
ON THAT TOW CHAIN.
UH!
OOH!
HEY, YOU RANGERS,
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
WE GOT A BLOCKBUSTER
ON HERE,
A TIME BOMB!
RUN! BLOCKBUSTER!
OOH!
OH!
HEY, UNCLE,
WHERE ARE YOU?
HERE!
WHOA!
NEPHEW!
NEPHEW!
IF IT'LL ONLY HOLD
FOR 20 SECONDS MORE!
4, 5, 6, 7,
8, 9, 10, 11...
13, 14, 15, 16...
RUN, UNCLE, RUN!
AAH!
RUN, NEPHEW!
27, 28, 29, 30,
31, 32, 33, 34,
35, 3-
WHAT'S ALL THIS HOOEY
ABOUT TICKING?
IT'S A DUD.
HOW WILL WE EVER
GET IT INTO PLACE AGAIN?
OH, MY.
MY BOWLER.
NEVER MIND YOUR BOWLER.
GO AND RING UP
THE AIR RAID SERVICE.
OH, DEAR.
WELL, I SUPPOSE WE'RE LUCKY
TO HAVE ESCAPED WITH OUR LIVES.
JESSICA.
I MADE HIM DO IT.
CUFFY.
NOW, DARLING,
WE'LL GO HOME,
AND I'LL PUT YOU
IN YOUR NICE WARM BED.
I'LL GET YOUR THINGS.
GERTIE FROM BIZERTE
YOU'RE THE GAL FOR ME
GERTIE FROM BIZERTE
CUFFY!
... AS CAN BE
GERTIE FROM BIZERTE
DON'T YOU NEVER,
EVER DARE DESERTIE ME
DESERTIE ME
THOUGH YOUR LINGO
I DON'T KNOW
WHEN WE KISS, YOU MAKE ME
HOLLER "BINGO!" HO HO HO
GERTIE FROM BIZERTE
YOU'RE THE GAL
FOR ME
CUFFY, YOU'RE ALIVE.
HOW DID YOU DO IT?
I JUST DUMPED THE COCKEYED
THING RIGHT INTO THE RAVINE.
LIKE SAINT GEORGE
SLAYING THE COCKEYED DRAGON.
OH! UNCLE SIMON.
WHAT, CHILD?
IF CUFFY IS
A CANTERVILLE,
AND HE'S DONE
A BRAVE DEED FOR YOU,
THEN WHY ARE YOU
STANDING HERE?
YEAH. WHY AREN'T YOU IN THA GARDEN BEYOND THE PINE WOODS?
FATHER.
FATHER!
FATHER!
POOR UNCLE SIMON.
FATHER!
FATHER.
THANK YOU, NEPHEW.
THANK YOU, NIECE.
FAREWELL.
FAREWELL, UNCLE.
FAREWELL.
DID YOU SEE THAT,
LIEUTENANT?
THAT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN
TRYING TO...
GEE, THAT CERTAINLY IS A
LONG TIME TO GO WITHOUT SLEEP.
YES, BUT YOU NEARLY
ALWAYS HAVE TO WAI FOR ANYTHING
YOU WANT VERY MUCH.
HOW OLD ARE YOU,
CUFFY?
WHY?
I SHALL BE 7 IN MAY.
"UNIVERSALLY RENOWNED
AS THE MOST FEARSOME
IS THE NOTORIOUS GHOS "OF SIR SIMON DE CANTERVILLE.
"THIS REMARKABLE APPARITION
HAS MANIFESTED ITSELF
"IN A SPECTACULAR VARIETY
OF FORMS AND GUISES,
"EACH MORE AWE-INSPIRING
THAN THE OTHER,
"EXHIBITING THE SAME FLAIR
FOR THE THEATRICAL
"THAT REPUTEDLY CHARACTERIZED
SIR SIMON HIMSELF.
"THE ORIGIN OF THIS APPARITION,
SO LEGEND HAS IT,
DATES FROM A FATEFUL STAG HUN IN THE YEAR 1634... "
OUT OF THE WAY.
BELLMAN! BUGLER!
THRUST-HO,
SIR VALENTINE.
OW!
ANTHONY DE CANTERVILLE!
ANTHONY, WHAT HAVE I
DONE TO THEE?
IT'S MY ARM,
SIR VALENTINE.
THANK HEAVENS
'TIS BUT THINE ARM.
WHY HIDEST THOU
IN THE BRUSH
LIKE A RABBIT?
I- I WAS PLUCKING
BLUEBELLS.
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
BLUEBELLS?
A MANFUL PURSUI FOR A CANTERVILLE
IN THE HUNTING SEASON?
MORE MANFUL THAN YOU WOULD
IMAGINE, SIR VALENTINE.
METHINKS 'TWAS
THE WRONG STAG
WE FLUSHED.
MY BRIDE-TO-BE!
ELEANOR?
ELEANOR!
HOW COULDST THOU,
ELEANOR?
THOU ART PROMISED
TO ME.
PROMISED TO THEE
NO LONGER, SIR VALENTINE.
SHE WAS WED TO ME
AT YESTEREVE.
WED?
THOU DARE STEAL HER
FROM ME
KNOWING
SHE WAS PLEDGED?
YEA.
I SHALL EXPECT SATISFACTION
FROM THEE, SIR,
AT BOLTON MANOR
WITHIN THE HOUR.
ANTHONY!
THOU WOULDST NO BE SO BOLD, SIR VALENTINE,
WERE I POSSESSED
OF MY GOOD RIGHT ARM.
HA HA HA!
A PRETTY EXCUSE
TO SNIVEL OUT OF IT.
SIMON!
MY BROTHER WILL
GIVE THEE SATISFACTION.
SIMON, THE HONOR
OF THE CANTERVILLES
HAS BEEN QUESTIONED.
WHAT?
WHEREFORE DOST THY DAGGER
REEK WITH HIS BLOOD?
MY SWORD ARM IS PIERCED
TO THE BONE.
TAKE THOU MY SIGNET RING
AND FIGHT IN MY STEAD.
WHO? ME?
WHO ELSE?
COME, COME, SIMON,
PICK UP THE GAUNTLE AND FLING IT IN HIS FACE.
WHOSE FACE?
SIR VALENTINE'S.
OH.
GIVE ME THY RING.
BUT 'TWAS ANTHONY
WHO RAN OFF WITH MY BETROTHED.
HE DANCED.
HE SHOULD PAY
THE PIPER.
A CANTERVILLE
HAS BEEN SLIGHTED.
AND BY ONE
OF AN UPSTART BROOD,
HONORED SCARCE
200 YEARS.
I CHOOSE THE WEAPON
OF CHIVALRY-
THE LANCE.
THE LANCE?
YEA.
I'LL TEACH THEE
A KINSMAN IS A KINSMAN.
WHAT KEEPS
THE POPINJAY?
MY GAUNTLETS,
DUNDERHEAD.
BY HEREWARD THE WAKE,
I'LL PIN HIM ON MY LANCE
LIKE A CAPON ON A SPIT.
THERE HE IS, SIR.
HMM?
THERE, SIR.
WHERE IS THINE ARMOR,
VALENTINE?
ALACK, SIR SIMON, I SUFFERED
THE MOST DREADFUL MISHAP.
HA HA HA!
SO I FELT OBLIGED
TO GIVE WAY TO MY COUSIN,
THE BOLD SIR GUY.
SHALL WE BE ON
WITH THE MERRIMENT,
MY NOBLE MARSHAL?
BUT FAITH, VALENTINE,
IT WAS YOU-
AH, A KINSMAN
IS A KINSMAN.
SOUND THE ORDER
OF COMBAT.
MAY THE RIGHT PREVAIL.
SIR SIMON!
HE'S BREAKING OFF.
COWARD!
AFTER HIM, SIR GUY!
FETCH HIM BACK
ON YOUR LANCE!
AYE! HARPOON HIM!
HOIST HIM HIGH!
POLTROON!
I TELL THEE
'TIS NO DISGRACE, MY SON.
BE THANKFUL THOU HAS A BROTHER TO WEAR THY SIGNET,
AND SUCH
A CHIVALROUS BROTHER.
I RECALL THE DAY I WORE
MY BROTHER EDWARD'S SIGNE BEFORE GOOD QUEEN BESS.
UNHORSED SIX MEN IN A SINGLE
HOUR IN THIS VERY ARMOR.
BY SAINT PETER
OF THE FETTERS.
SIMON MUST GO A LONG WAY
TO EXCEL THAT!
WHERE IS HE?
WHO?
THAT LILY-LIVERED
SON OF YOURS
WHO SKITTERED OFF
IN TERROR BEFORE THE LANCE.
COWARDICE? IN ONE
WHO BEARS ON HIS NECK
THE BIRTHMARK OF THE
CANTERVILLES? HA! PREPOSTEROUS!
OOH, IS IT?
HA HA!
THEN WHAT MIGHT BE LURKING
IN YON ALCOVE?
A FAT QUAIL, PERCHANCE?
NO SON OF MINE
COWERS IN ANY ALCOVE.
NO? THEN MILORD
CAN ASSUREDLY
HAVE NO OBJECTION
TO THE SEALING UP
OF THE DOOR
WITH
STONE AND MORTAR.
I MOST CERTAINLY CAN!
I'VE TOO GREAT A REGARD
FOR MY HOUSE.
FOR YOUR HOUSE,
MILORD,
OR YOUR SON?
GILES, THOMAS!
FETCH THE STONEMASONS!
HASTEN!
HAVE WE NOT HAD ENOUGH
OF THIS PLAY-ACTING,
SIR VALENTINE?
ONE NEVER LEAVES
THE THEATER, MILORD,
UNTIL THE CURTAIN
HAS FALLEN.
AH!
CONTINUE.
FATHER!
IT IS I,
THY SON.
FORSOOTH,
A FAT QUAIL INDEED.
OR WAS IT THE WIND THA WHISTLED DOWN THE FLUE?
I HEARD NO SOUND.
SPARE ME! SPARE ME!
POSE THE LAST STONE.
POSE IT, I SAY!
BUT, MILORD,
'TWAS MEAN ONLY IN JEST.
LEAVE MY HOUSE!
IT IS THY SON!
GO!
SIMON DE CANTERVILLE,
BECAUSE THOU HAS SHAMED THY HERITAGE
AND DISHONORED
THY PROUD BLOOD,
IN THAT TOMB
OF THINE OWN CHOOSING
SHALL LIE
THY WHITED BONES,
AND MAY THY CRAVEN SPIRI WALK THE HALLS
OF CANTERVILLE CASTLE
UNTIL A KINSMAN
SHALL WEAR THY SIGNET...
AND PERFORM FOR THEE
THE BRAVE DEED
THOU DIDST FAIL TO PERFORM
FOR THY KINSMAN.
"THUS GOES THE LEGEND
OF THE CANTERVILLE GHOST.
"AND TODAY,
AFTER 300 YEARS OF TERROR,
"CANTERVILLE CASTLE STANDS
SILENT AND DESERTED-
"A MUTE, FOREBODING MONUMEN TO THE FEARSOME PHANTOM
WHO STALKS
THOSE SILENT HALLS."
AAH! AAH!
AUNTIE! AUNTIE!
I JUST SAW
THE GHOST!
THE GHOST? WHERE?
ON THE ROOF
OF THE CASTLE.
OH, THAT WAS
THE TINSMITH, DARLING.
OH!
I ASKED MR. PEABODY
TO ENGAGE HIM
TO MEND
THE WATERSPOUTS.
OH. BUT WHY, AUNTIE?
NOBODY LIVES THERE.
JESSICA, WE'RE TURNING
THE CASTLE OVER
TO A PLATOON
OF AMERICAN SOLDIERS.
AMERICAN SOLDIERS?
BUT, GOOD GRACIOUS,
CAN THEY LIVE IN THE
CASTLE WHEN IT'S HAUNTED?
YOUR FAMILY DID, DARLING,
TILL 20 YEARS AGO.
I KNOW,
BUT, AUNTIE-
AHEM!
WE'RE READY
TO LEAVE NOW, MA'AM.
THE HELPERS
HAVE ARRIVED?
THEY'LL MEET US
AT THE CASTLE, MA'AM.
YOU'RE GOING,
AUNTIE?
OF COURSE.
GUESTS ARE COMING.
NOBLESSE OBLIGE.
MADAME, THERE'S SURE
TO BE A DOWNPOUR.
I'M AFRAID
THERE WILL BE.
YOU KNOW,
AUNTIE,
YOU'RE NOT WELL.
OH, VERY WELL.
EXTEND MY REGRETS
TO THE SOLDIERS
AND TELL THEM
I'LL COME TO SEE THEM
AS SOON AS I'M ABLE.
YES, MA'AM.
AUNTIE,
WHAT DOES IT MEAN-
NOBLESSE OBLIGE?
OH, THAT'S JUS AN EXPRESSION, DARLING.
BUT WHA DOES IT MEAN?
YOU WERE GOING OU BECAUSE OF IT.
NOBLESSE OBLIGE
IS FRENCH.
IT MEANS-WELL, YOU'RE
LADY JESSICA DE CANTERVILLE,
AND I'M THE HONORABLE
MRS. POLVERDINE.
THOSE OF US WHO ARE NOBLY BORN
MUST PROVE THEMSELVES WORTHY OF I BY BEING EVER KIND
AND GRACIOUS
AND THOUGHTFUL
FOR OTHERS,
AND BY LIVING
NOT TO TAKE,
BUT TO GIVE.
THAT IS OUR OBLIGATION.
SO, WHEN GUESTS ARRIVE,
WHY, WE MUST WELCOME THEM
AND SEE THAT THEY ENJOY
THEIR STAY WITH US.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND,
CHILD?
YES.
AUNTIE, THESE AMERICANS,
WILL THEY BE
COWBOYS AND INDIANS?
SOME OF THEM,
I DARE SAY.
AUNTIE, WHAT DOES ONE DO
TO MAKE INDIANS WELCOME?
JESSICA! YOU'RE NO THINKING OF GOING.
YES. SOMEONE SHOULD
MAKE OUR GUESTS WELCOME.
BUT AREN'T YOU
AFRAID OF THE GHOST?
YES, AUNTIE.
AND YOU STILL THINK
YOU OUGHT TO GO?
YES, AUNTIE. IT IS
MY CASTLE, ISN'T IT?
YOU'RE ONLY 6,
DARLING.
I KNOW, BUT, AUNTIE,
NOBLESSE OBLIGE.
IT-IT STARTS WHEN
YOU'RE BORN, DOESN'T IT?
RUN ALONG, THEN.
THANK YOU, AUNTIE.
OH!
STAY CLOSE
TO MRS. UMNEY.
DON'T WORRY
ABOUT ME, AUNTIE.
GHOSTS ALMOST NEVER
COME OUT IN THE DAYTIME.
OK, EVERYBODY,
WE'RE MOVING IN!
WELCOME TO CANTERVILLE
CASTLE, GENTLEMEN.
THANK YOU.
HELLO, MISTER.
SOME SPREAD.
PLEASED TO MEET YOU.
WHAT A PLACE!
HELLO.
HIYA,
MR. CANTERVILLE.
WHY-
WOW! PIPE THE GUY
IN THE TIN SUIT.
HEY, THIS IS OK.
YOU AIN'T KIDDIN'.
SAY, ALL THIS ROOM
IN ONE ROOM.
YODEL-LEI-HEE!
WONDER WHEN
THE TRAINS COME IN.
HEY, THIS PLACE
KIND OF REMINDS ME
OF THE OLD MANHATTAN
BOXING ARENA.
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW,
SLAP-HAPPY?
THE ONLY THING
YOU SAW IN THE AREA
WAS THE CEILING WHEN
THEY CARRIED YOU OUT.
WELL,
NOT BAD.
NOT HALF BAD,
BY JOVE.
PUP TENTS ARE OK
FOR THE HOI POLLOI.
ME, I PREFER THE COMFORTS
OF THE HEARTH.
YES, SIR, WITHOUT THE SIMPLE
LUXURIES OF LIFE-
A COMFORTABLE CHAIR, A CHEERY
BLAZE, AND A SPOT OF BRANDY,
I SIMPLY WILT AWAY
AND PERISH.
TAKE YOUR BIG FEE OFF OF THERE, WILLIAMS,
OR I'LL PERISH YOU.
GET A GOOD NIGHT'S
SLEEP, MEN.
YOU'LL NEED IT.
YOU WANT ME, MR. PEABODY, I'LL
BE AT HEADQUARTERS IN THE VILLAGE.
YES, SIR, CAPTAIN.
GOOD NIGHT.
ATTENTION!
REMEMBER, SERGEANT,
THIS IS NOT OUR PROPERTY.
YES, SIR.
CARRY ON.
WILLIAMS, YOU DON' DO THAT AT HOME, DO YOU?
YEAH.
WELL, DON'T DO IT HERE!
I BEG
YOUR PARDON.
SHALL I SERVE TEA
NOW, GENTLEMEN?
TEA?
MRS. UMNEY THOUGH AFTER YOUR JOURNEY
YOU'D BE A BIT DONE IN.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
THANKS.
VERY GOOD, SIR.
NOW, LISTEN,
FELLAS.
IT SAYS HERE IN THE LITTLE
INSTRUCTION BOOK,
"WHEN YOU'RE GUESTS
OF THE BRITISH,
"YOU GOTTA ACT LIKE
YOU'D EXPECT THEM TO AC IF THEY CAME TO AMERICA."
REMEMBER WHAT IT SAYS
ABOUT FOOD.
HERE.
"IF A BRITISHER
EXHORTS YOU TO EA "OR JOIN HIM IN A SPOT OF TEA,
GO EASY.
"IT MAY BE HIS RATION
FOR ONE WEEK,
SPREAD OUT JUST TO SHOW YOU
HIS HOSPITALITY."
EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN,
BUT LADY JESSICA WOULD LIKE
TO SAY GOOD EVENING.
LADY JESSICA?
OH, BOY!
YES. LADY JESSICA
DE CANTERVILLE,
THE OWNER
OF THE CASTLE.
WELL, UH, TELL HER
WE'D BE HONORED.
VERY GOOD, SIR.
WHAT DO YOU SAY
TO A DAME THAT'S A LADY?
DO YOU HAVE TO
KISS HER HAND?
NOW, WATCH IT.
LADY JESSICA
DE CANTERVILLE.
GOOD EVENING,
GENTLEMEN.
HOLY SMOKE!
IT'S A MIDGET.
NO. IT'S A HALF-PINT.
HOW DO YOU DO?
I KNOW YOU'VE
COME A LONG WAY,
AND I WANT YOU
ALL TO KNOW
I'M GLAD
YOU'RE HERE.
AND I DO SO HOPE YOU'LL ENJOY YOUR STAY
IN MY CASTLE.
THANK YOU,
MY LADY,
AND MAY I SAY ON
BEHALF OF MY COMPATRIOTS
THAT WE'RE VERY GRATEFUL
FOR YOUR HOSPITALITY.
YEAH, LIKEWISE.
YOU'RE OK,
YOUR MAJESTY.
THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.
YOU'LL EXCUSE
THE FELLAS, I HOPE.
WE THOUGHT LADY JESSICA
WAS, UH-
I THOUGHT A GIRL HAD TO BE
MARRIED BEFORE SHE WAS A LADY.
HA HA HA!
OH, DEAR, NO.
A LADY IS A LADY
WHEN SHE BEHAVES LIKE ONE,
MY AUNTIE SAYS.
YOUR AUNTIE
IS QUITE RIGHT.
WHICH OF YOU
ARE INDIANS?
HA HA HA!
HE'S AN INDIAN.
YES? TO WHICH TRIBE
DO YOU BELONG?
HE'S
A HOBOKEN INDIAN.
I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE EVER READ
ABOUT THAT TRIBE.
HA HA HA HA.
TEA IS SERVED,
GENTLEMEN.
OF COURSE.
OF COURSE.
WILL YOU POUR,
MY LADY?
I WILL BE HAPPY TO.
FINE.
THIS WAY, GENTLEMEN.
MORE TEA?
NO, THANK YOU.
NO, THANK YOU.
WHO DID THAT?
WHO DID IT?
THAT'S NOT TEA,
SIR.
OH, IT ISN'T?
JORDAN, GET THAT BOTTLE OF
CLEANING FLUID OUT OF THE TRUCK.
OK.
IT'S NO USE,
SIR.
NOTHING WILL
TAKE IT OUT.
WHAT MADE THAT SPO WAS... BLOOD.
BLOOD?
BLOOD?
BLOOD.
BLOOD?
QUITE SO.
THAT'S THE BLOOD
OF LADY BARBARA MODISH,
WHO STABBED HERSELF
IN THE THROA WHEN SHE SAW... HIM.
HIM?
WHO-WHO IS HIM?
SIR SIMON.
OUR GHOST.
OH.
YOUR GHOST,
DID YOU SAY?
YES. HE'S QUITE THE MOS FAMOUS GHOST IN ENGLAND,
AND HE LIVES HERE
IN THIS CASTLE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
TAKE IT EASY.
WELL, IF YOU DON' WANT ME TO TELL YOU-
OH, BUT WE DO.
GIVE THE LADY
A CHANCE, FELLAS.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT SAYS IN THE LITTLE
WELL, IF SHE SAYS
THE CASTLE IS HAUNTED,
WHO ARE WE TO QUIBBLE?
THAT'S RIGHT.
IT MAY SOUND
SILLY TO YOU,
BUT AUNTIE TOLD ME
THE SPOT WON'T COME OUT.
REALLY.
AND I'VE EVEN SEEN
THE GHOST MYSELF.
NO FOOLING?
AND THAT'S THE DOOR
TO HIS BEDCHAMBER
BEHIND
THAT TAPESTRY,
ISN'T IT,
MRS. UMNEY?
YES. HE WAS WALLED UP IN THERE
CENTURIES AGO.
HOLY CATFISH!
THAT'S
AWFUL.
YES, AND EVERY
NIGHT NOW,
ON THE STROKE OF 12:00,
HIS GUILTY SPIRI COMES THROUGH THAT DOOR
AND WALKS THE HALLS, SUPPOSEDLY
IN SEARCH OF A KINSMAN,
THEN GOES BACK AGAIN.
OH.
NO KIDDING.
OH, GENTLEMEN,
BEWARE.
I'VE SEEN THINGS
WITH MY OWN EYES
THAT WOULD MAKE
ANY CHRISTIAN'S HAIR
STAND ON END.
I'LL BE YOU HAVE.
I'VE READ ALL
ABOUT I IN A BIG BOOK AUNTIE'S
GOT IN THE GATEHOUSE.
I SHOULDN'T TELL YOU THIS
BEFORE BEDTIME,
BUT THE DOWAGER DUCHESS
OF STUTFIELD
WAS FOUND ONE NIGH ON THE BALCONY
OUTSIDE HER BEDROOM,
STARK STARING MAD.
THERE'S THE LOVELIES PICTURE OF HER
GIBBERING LIKE AN IDIOT.
HA HA HA!
YOU DON'T SAY!
YES.
SHE WAS PUTTING ON
HER DIAMOND LAVALIERE
WHEN A SHADOW
CAME OVER HER.
SHE TURNED,
AND THERE WAS THE GHOS AS THE CORPSE SNATCHER
OF CHERTSAY BARN.
CORPSE SNATCHER?
THAT'S AWFUL.
AND LADY MARGARET BILTON,
SHE DROWNED HERSELF
IN THE CARP POND.
DO YOU KNOW WHY?
NO. WHY?
BECAUSE THERE
HE WAS AGAIN,
COMING AFTER HER
WITH LONG, GREEN FINGERS
TWITCHING WITH PALSY
AND HIS EYES
BURNING LIKE COALS-
THE BLOODSUCKER
OF BEXLEY MOOR.
BLOODSUCKER?
DIDN'T I TELL YOU, FELLOWS?
WHO ARE WE TO QUIBBLE?
WHAT IS YOUR NAME,
PLEASE?
CUFFY WILLIAMS.
WELL, CUFFY WILLIAMS,
I KNOW VERY WELL THA YOU'VE BEEN LAUGHING AT ME,
BUT JUST YOU WAIT.
EXCUSE ME, MY LADY.
FAR BE IT FROM ME
TO CONTRADICT YOU,
BUT JUST YOU WAIT.
IF IT RAINED LIKE THIS
IN CALIFORNIA,
WE WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
THANKS,
JORDAN.
MAY I, SERGEANT?
OH, SURE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUB TOO
HARD. IT'S WONDERFUL STUFF.
BUT, SIR,
THAT SPOT USED TO BE
MUCH OBSERVED BY TOURISTS,
AND IT BELONGS.
IF THIS STUFF WILL
TAKE OUT LIPSTICK,
IT OUGHT TO DO THIS.
HA HA HA!
WELL, LADY JESSICA?
UHHH...
GET SOME WATER,
SMELLING SALTS.
SOMEBODY
DO SOMETHING!
WELL,
CUFFY WILLIAMS?
EDDIE.
YEAH?
YOU AWAKE?
NO.
IS IT MIDNIGHT YET?
I DON'T KNOW.
GO TO SLEEP,
WILL YOU?
AAH!
HEY! HEY! HE'S HERE!
HE'S HERE!
HE BIT ME!
HE BIT ME!
HE BIT ME!
HE BIT ME!
WHO BIT YOU?
WHAT BIT YOU? WHERE?
IT MUST HAVE BEEN
THAT BLOODSUCKER.
OH, PIPE DOWN.
YOU MUST HAVE
BEEN DREAMING.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN
THE BLOODSUCKER!
LOOK AT THE TEETH
MARKS!
WHAT AM I,
YOUR MOTHER?
YOU'RE THE SERGEANT,
AIN'T YOU?
GET UP!
HEY, FELLAS,
LOOK-
THIS SWORD FELL DOWN
AND SCARED HIM.
WELL, BLESS HIS
LITTLE HEART.
OH.
OH, IT WAS-
IT WAS THE SWORD.
IMAGINE THAT.
DID THE BIG BAD GHOS FRIGHTEN THE LITTLE BUTTERCUP?
YEAH?
AW, FOR PETE'S SAKE,
TURN IT OFF, WILL YOU?
THERE ARE NO SUCH
THINGS AS GHOSTS.
WELL, SOMETHING MADE
THAT SPOT COME BACK.
THE CLEANING FLUID
DIDN'T TAKE, THAT'S ALL.
ALL I KNOW-
ALL RIGHT, KIDDIES,
NOW, BUNK IN
AND GO BEDDY BYE-BYE.
ONE.
TWO.
SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY
DRAGGING ASH CANS AROUND.
NO. IT'S CHAINS.
SHH!
OOH...
OH...
THAT AIN' NO ASH CAN.
YEE AH YEE!
YA HA HA HA HA HA!
AH HA HA!
YA HA HA HA HA!
HEY, GRANDPA,
YOUR SHIRTTAIL'S
HANGING OUT.
YEAH, SCRAM,
DRIBBLE-PUSS.
BOO!
GO BACK
IN YOUR HOLE!
YEAH, GO ON!
GET OUT OF HERE!
TAKE WARNING!
GET OUT OF HERE!
DUCK, FELLOWS!
DID-DID YOU ALL SEE WHAT I SAW?
THE BULLETS WENT RIGHT THROUGH HIM.
WHAT ABOU THAT ROPE?
YEAH. YOU SAW IT, SARGE.
YEAH.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT,
BUT I SAW IT.
LET'S FACE IT, SARGE.
THAT WAS A REAL GHOST.
WHAT DID I
TELL YOU?
HOW ABOUT THAT BLOOD SPOT AND THE KID?
I TOLD YOU SO.
DIDN'T I, EDDIE?
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
HOLLERED AT HIM LIKE THAT.
THAT'S NO WAY TO
TREAT A GHOST.
IT CHASED HIM AWAY,
DIDN'T IT?
WHAT IF
HE COMES BACK?
HE MIGHT COME BACK
AT THAT.
HEY, FELLAS,
LISTEN.
YA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
YOO...
A GHOST!
MMM!
PFFT!
YOO...
AWAY!
OOH! OOH!
OOH!
I- I SAID AWAY!
BOO!
AH!
BOO!
AH! AAH!
HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
OH! MY TOE!
HA HA HA HA HA!
OH!
OH!
HE WAS LOOKING
FOR A KINSMAN,
AND, BOY,
DID HE FIND ONE!
OH!
SERGEANT, WE WON'T BE DOING
ANYTHING STRENUOUS TODAY, WILL WE?
DOING IT WITH
PHANTOMS YET!
I'M TIREDER THAN
A SHARECROPPER'S MULE.
CUT THE GROUSING,
FELLAS.
HERE COMES THE LOOEY.
ATTENTION!
AT EASE.
GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
WE'RE NOW OFFICIALLY ATTACHED
TO A UNIT OF THE BRITISH COMMANDOS.
SO WE'RE GONNA
CELEBRATE BY
STARTING RIGHT OUT ON OUR
10-HOUR ENDURANCE HIKE.
FORCED MARCHING RATE
FOR EIGHT HOURS.
DOUBLE TIME
THE LAST TWO.
OHH...
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH THE MEN, SERGEANT?
AS A MATTER OF FACT, SIR, I'M AFRAID
THEY DIDN'T EXACTLY
SLEEP SO WELL LAST NIGHT.
REALLY?
WHY NOT?
WELL, MAYBE
IT WAS, UH...
YOU KNOW
HOW IT IS
WHEN YOU SLEEP
IN A NEW PLACE.
HMM.
OHH...
WALTERS!
IS THAT WHA KEPT YOU UP?
OH, NO, SIR.
WHAT KEPT ME UP
WAS SEEING THE GHOST.
WASN'T IT,
EDDIE?
THAT'S RIGHT-
I MEAN,
YES, SIR.
YOU, UH...
ALL SAW A GHOST?
YES, SIR.
YES, SIR.
YES, SIR.
YOU SHOULD HAVE
BEEN THERE, SIR.
FIRST HE
HUNG HIMSELF.
THEN HE CAME BACK AND HELD
HIS HEAD OUT JUST LIKE THIS.
BY THE HAIR!
ISN'T THAT TOO,
TOO DREADFUL?
YES, SIR.
BIG, HUSKY,
MAN-EATING RANGERS.
BEST PLATOON
IN THE OUTFIT.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO WHEN YOU SEE NAZIS?
BUT NAZIS ARE
TANGIBLE, SIR.
I'LL SAY THEY ARE. WE
CAN TANGLE WITH THEM, SIR.
SUPPOSE YOU TANGLE WITH ME FIRST.
LET'S GET IT STRAIGHT THIS TIME.
WHAT KEPT YOU UP
LAST NIGHT,
A CRAP GAME?
NO, SIR! NO!
IT BEGAN WITH AN
ECTOPLASMIC MANIFESTATION.
IT BEGAN
WITH A WHAT?
AN ECTOPLASMIC
MANIFESTATION.
SERGEANT!
WHAT REALLY KEPT THEM UP LAST NIGHT?
WELL?
IT WAS THE GHOST,
SIR.
ALL RIGHT, SERGEANT.
I GUARANTEE THE MEN WILL SLEEP TONIGHT.
FORM THE PLATOON.
YES, SIR.
FALL IN!
DRESS
RIGHT DRESS!
STRAIGHTEN UP THERE!
READY... FRONT!
SIR, THE PLATOON
IS FORMED.
WILLIAMS, I SUPPOSE
YOU GOT THAT LIMP
FROM BEING CHASED
BY THE GHOST?
NO, SIR. I WAS
CHASING HIM.
BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. I CAN WALK.
YOU CAN WALK YOURSELF
RIGHT BACK INTO THAT CASTLE
AND SPEND THE NEXT 10 HOURS
CLEANING IT OUT.
YES, SIR.
WHILE YOU'RE ABOUT IT, WILLIAMS,
CLEAN OUT OUR LITTLE SPOOK, TOO.
YES, SIR.
RIGHT FACE!
CLOSE MARCH!
HELLO THERE, LADY.
OH, IT'S YOU.
WELL, WHO DID YOU
THINK IT WAS?
OH, I-
NO ONE.
I- I WAS JUST GOING
INTO THE PANTRY.
YEAH? THEN WHY DID YOU TAKE
THAT GREAT CIRCLE ROUTE?
AUNTIE THOUGHT THE MESS
SERGEANT MIGHT LIKE SOME ONIONS.
AND I'M A BROWNIE.
WE RAISE ONIONS
AND BRUSSELS SPROUTS,
LIKE THE GIRL GUIDES DO.
OH, COME NOW.
IT WAS THE GHOST THA SCARED YOU, WASN'T IT?
I...
WHAT IF IT WERE?
BUT THAT'S SILLY.
THE OLD BOY CALLED ON US LAST NIGHT,
AND WE CHASED HIM RIGHT UP THE CHIMNEY.
OH, YOU DIDN'T.
YOU THINK
I'M KIDDING, UH?
WELL, WE'LL ASK OLD
FOXY GRANDPA HIMSELF.
THAT-THAT WON' BE NECESSARY.
YOU STAY RIGHT HERE.
UH-HUH. PLAYING POSSUM.
HEY, GRANDPA,
OPEN UP!
WELL...
A- CALLING WE WILL GO,
MY LADY,
TO BEARD THE LION
IN HIS DEN.
OH, NO, PLEASE. AUNTIE'S
EXPECTING ME HOME.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
BE AFRAID OF HIM.
YOU ONLY THINK
YOU DO.
NOW YOU JUST PRETEND
THAT YOU'RE NOT AFRAID,
AND YOU WON'T BE.
THAT'S ALL
THERE IS TO IT.
ARE YOU SURE?
I'LL PROVE I TO YOU.
COME ON.
HEY!
GHOST, WHERE
YOU HIDING?
THAT MUST BE WHERE
HE WAS WALLED UP.
AH...
WHERE THE DARK DEED
WAS DONE.
HERE, HOLD THIS.
HEY, THIS ONE'S LOOSE.
I'LL JUST PRY IT OUT,
THEN WE...
HELLO.
MUST YOU INVADE
EVEN MY TOMB?
WILL THERE BE NO PLACE
I CAN CALL SANCTUARY?
RELAX, GRANDPA.
THIS IS JUST A LITTLE SOCIAL CALL.
THERE'S SOMEONE HERE I WANT YOU TO MEET.
I HAVE ALREADY ME YOUR COLONIAL RUFFIANS.
TAKE IT EASY,
GRANDPA.
NOBODY'S GOING TO
HURT YOU.
HEY! DON' FADE OUT ON ME.
I WANT YOU TO MEE LADY JESSICA.
SIR SIMON THE GHOST.
MILADY.
HOW DO YOU DO?
NOT TOO WELL.
THANK YOU.
BLESS YOU.
THANK YOU.
ATTAGIRL!
SHE'S BEEN SCARED STIFF
OF YOU ALL HER LIFE.
I JUST WANTED
TO PROVE TO HER
THAT YOU WOULDN' HURT A FLEA.
SIR, MY RECORD
SPEAKS FOR ITSELF-
AN UNBROKEN REIGN OF
TERROR FOR 300 YEARS.
WELL, RECORD
OR NO RECORD,
AS LONG AS HER
LADYSHIP'S AROUND,
YOU'VE GOT TO
BEHAVE YOURSELF.
IT IS ABSURD, ASKING
ME TO BEHAVE MYSELF,
QUITE ABSURD.
I MUST RATTLE MY CHAINS
AND GROAN THROUGH KEYHOLES.
I MUST GIBBER FROM
THE ORIEL WINDOW
ON THE FIRST AND THIRD
WEDNESDAYS IN EVERY MONTH.
IT IS MY SOLEMN DUTY
TO WALK THESE HALLS.
WELL, IN THAT CASE,
YOU'D BETTER GET YOURSELF ANOTHER
CASTLE FOR THE DURATION, BROTHER.
BUT CUFFY, HE CAN'T.
HE'S THE FAMILY GHOST.
AMERICANS, CHILD.
WHAT CAN A PEOPLE WITHOU ANCESTORS KNOW ABOUT GHOSTS?
NOW, WAI A MINUTE.
I TAKE IT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD
OF THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN
OR RED GRANGE,
THE GALLOPING GHOST.
PROVINCIAL STUFF.
SPIRITS WITH NEITHER CREST NOR TITLE.
OH, WE HAVE
TITLES, TOO-
PRINCE MIKE ROMANOFF,
COUNT BASIE,
DUKE ELLINGTON.
YOU DON'T SAY SO.
MM-HMM.
NOBILITY IN A DEMOCRACY. BALDERDASH.
BUT, MR. GHOST-
I MEAN, SIR SIMON-
WE'VE HAD DEMOCRACY
HERE IN ENGLAND
EVER SINCE
THE MAGNA CARTA,
BUT I HAVE NEVER CHOSEN TO RECOGNIZE IT.
BUT YOU SHOULD,
SIR SIMON.
THAT'S WHAT WE'RE FIGHTING
THIS WAR ABOUT,
MY AUNTIE SAYS.
THAT'S THE STUFF,
MY LADY!
YOU SEE? YOU'RE
NOT SCARED A BIT.
OH...
NOW THAT YOU TWO
CANTERVILLES ARE ACQUAINTED,
YOU MUST HAVE A LOT OF
FAMILY MATTERS TO GAB ABOUT,
SO, UH, I'LL GET ON
WITH MY CLEANING.
YOU, UH, SURE
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT?
YES. THANK YOU.
UNLESS YOU'D RATHER
BE ALONE.
OH, NO, NO.
PLEASE,
PRAY SIT DOWN.
I'VE FORGOTTEN
MY MANNERS.
WELL, IF I MAY SAY SO,
YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE
MORE POLITE TO CUFFY JUST NOW.
AFTER WHAT HE AND HIS BAND
OF HOOLIGANS DID TO ME?
I MAY HAVE VERY LITTLE ELSE,
BUT I STILL HAVE MY PRIDE.
MAYBE THEY WOULDN' HAVE DONE ANYTHING TO YOU
IF YOU HADN' FRIGHTENED THEM.
WHAT ELSE IS THERE
FOR ME TO DO?
I AM A GHOST. I MUST FRIGHTEN PEOPLE.
AND I HAVE A REPUTATION
TO UPHOLD.
THE MOST FEARSOME PHANTOM
IN ALL ENGLAND CANNOT-
BUT CUFFY TOLD ME THAT THEY CHASED
YOU UP THE CHIMNEY LAST NIGHT.
THAT WAS ONLY BECAUSE
THOSE HOOLIGANS HAD...
LADY JESSICA...
I CANNOT PRETEND
ANY LONGER.
SINCE LAST NIGHT,
IT IS I
WHO AM FRIGHTENED,
I WHO TREMBLE A THE SLIGHTEST NOISE.
POOR, POOR GHOST.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A GHOST,
NIGHT AFTER NIGHT,
DAY AFTER DAY,
TO LIVE IN EMPTINESS
BETWEEN HEAVEN AND EARTH
WITH NOTHING FOR COMPANY
BUT YOUR BITTER MEMORIES?
BUT DO YOU HAVE TO
KEEP ON BEING A GHOST?
I AM CONDEMNED
TO BE A GHOS UNTIL A KINSMAN PERFORM
A BRAVE DEED IN MY BEHALF.
I HAVE WALKED THESE HALLS
FOR THREE CENTURIES,
AND I'M SO TIRED.
IF ONLY I COULD REST.
IF ONLY I COULD DIE.
TO BE BURIED
IN THE SOFT, BROWN EARTH
IN THE GARDEN
BEYOND THE PINE WOODS,
TO HAVE NO YESTERDAY
AND NO TOMORROW,
TO FORGET TIME,
TO BE AT PEACE.
OH, DEAR.
I WISH I COULD DO A BRAVE DEED FOR YOU.
HOW GOES IT, LADY?
OH, FINE.
SORRY TO BUST UP
THIS LITTLE REUNION,
BUT THE LOOEY WILL
BE BACK IN A MINUTE.
GOOD-BYE, SIR SIMON.
I'M VERY HAPPY
TO HAVE MET YOU.
CUFFY, I THINK YOU OUGH TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS
NOT TO CHASE HIM
UP THE CHIMNEY ANYMORE.
WELL, THAT DEPENDS
ON HIM.
BUT HE'S SO OLD
AND SO TIRED.
HUH!
EXCUSE ME, MY LADY.
SEE YOU LATER.
SIR SIMON,
I JUST SAW-
CUFFY HAS THE CANTERVILLE
MARK ON HIS NECK.
WHAT?
EXACTLY LIKE
MY FATHER HAD.
THAT AMERICAN
RUFFIAN?
ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?
HE MUST BE A CANTERVILLE.
EGAD, AND WHAT IF
HE BE A CANTERVILLE?
SHALL I PRANCE
JOYOUSLY AROUND
LIKE A SAUCY
ANTELOPE?
BUT, SIR SIMON,
IF HE IS A KINSMAN, AND IF HE
DOES A BRAVE DEED IN YOUR NAME,
HE CAN SAVE YOU,
CAN'T HE?
CAN IT BE THAT THEY
HAVE CONCEALED FROM THEE
WHY I AM STILL HERE?
DOST FANCY 'TIS BECAUSE
I CANNOT FIND A KINSMAN?
WELL, I HEARD
MR. POTTS SAY
THAT THE CANTERVILLES ALWAYS
TURNED OUT TO BE COWARDS.
IS IT THAT?
COWARDS?
GROSS FLATTERY.
HAD THEY TWICE
THE COURAGE,
'TWOULD ONLY GIVE THEM HALF THE NAME.
THY GRANDFATHER, WOULD HE MOUNT A HORSE?
THY FATHER,
SO FEARFUL OF WATER
THAT HE TREMBLED
IN HIS BATH...
OR THYSELF, SWOONING A THE MERE SIGHT OF MY SHADOW.
REALLY, NOW!
IT'S YOUR FAMILY, TOO, SIR SIMON!
ONLY TOO WELL DO I KNOW.
BUT, SIR SIMON,
WAIT.
CUFFY CAN SAVE YOU.
I KNOW IT.
IT ISN'T TRUE THAT ALL
CANTERVILLES HAVE TO BE COWARDS.
HAVEN'T I LIVED
LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW?
I WAS A COWARD,
WASN'T I?
I WAS FRIGHTENED
TO DEATH OF YOU.
NOW LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT ME!
I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU
ANYMORE, NOT IN THE LEAST.
DON'T YOU SEE,
SIR SIMON?
NAY, NAY. 'TWAS IN
THEIR BLOOD AND BONES.
IT ISN'T IN MY
BLOOD AND BONES,
AND IT ISN' IN CUFFY'S.
YOU CAN TELL HE'S BRAVE
JUST BY LOOKING AT HIM.
OH, SIR SIMON, I'LL ARRANGE
FOR YOU TO MEET HIM AGAIN,
AND IF IT TURNS OUT THA HE IS A CANTERVILLE...
MY GOODNESS! PERHAPS YOU'LL
BE ABLE TO GO TO SLEEP
IN THE GARDEN BEYOND
THE PINE WOODS AFTER ALL.
PLEASE, SIR SIMON.
VERY WELL, CHILD.
SIR SIMON,
WHERE ARE YOU?
HERE, HERE.
GOOD EVENING, SIR SIMON.
I BROUGHT HIM.
SIR?
HOW ARE YOU, SIR SIMON?
WHAT'S COOKING?
COOKING?
YEAH. I MEAN,
WHAT'S ALL THE MYSTERY?
THE SERGEANT WILL HAVE
THE BLOODHOUNDS AFTER ME
IF I'M NO IN THE HAY BY 9:00.
AND AUNTIE WILL BE
AFTER ME
IF SHE FINDS OU I'M NOT IN BED.
GO ON, SIR SIMON,
ASK HIM.
WELL, TELL ME,
PRITHEE...
OH, YES.
I AM AWARE THAT FEW AMERICANS
KNOW THEIR OWN GRANDFATHERS,
BUT DOST THOU
BY ANY MIRACLE
REMEMBER AUGH OF THINE ANCESTORS?
ANCESTORS? MY OLD MAN
WOULD NEVER LOOK INTO HIS.
SAID HE WAS SCARED HE MIGHT TURN UP
ONE THAT ENDED UP ON THE HOT SEAT.
HOT SEAT? NOWADAYS, ENGLAND AND
AMERICA HAVE EVERYTHING IN COMMON
EXCEPT, OF COURSE,
THE LANGUAGE.
SIR SIMON! THINK BACK,
CUFFY, PLEASE.
TRY TO REMEMBER.
WE DON'T GO IN MUCH
FOR THAT SORT OF THING
IN THE STATES.
WAIT A MINUTE. I HAD AN AUNT MARTHA.
SHE WAS A LITTLE WACKY ON THE SUBJECT.
ONCE, SHE DID TRACE MY
MOTHER'S FAMILY TREE BACK
AS FAR AS SOME GUY THA LANDED IN MASSACHUSETTS
WAY, WAY BACK.
HIS NAME WAS,
UH, MARMALADE-
NO, NO.
MARMADUKE.
MARMADUKE. THAT SAME
MARMADUKE WHO FLED TO SALEM
AFTER CROMWELL SCATTERED THE
CHIVALRY OF ENGLAND TO THE FOUR WINDS.
OH, SIR SIMON!
YOU KNEW HIM?
YEA. HE WAS THE SON
OF MY BROTHER ANTHONY.
OH, NOW,
TAKE IT EASY, SIR SIMON.
HOW DO YOU KNOW
IT'S THE SAME MARMADUKE?
SHOW HIM.
HOLY CATS!
NOW THINE,
PLEASE.
HOLY CATS,
INDEED!
WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
WELL, I'LL BE...
WELL, THAT MAKES ME,
UH...
YOUR...
NEPHEW. GREAT-GREAT-
GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-NEPHEW.
AYE, THOU AR A KINSMAN,
A KINSMAN
WHO CAN FREE ME
FROM THESE
EARTHLY BONDS.
BY PERFORMING
A BRAVE DEED IN HIS NAME.
I CAN, HUH?
WILT WEAR MY SIGNET, KINSMAN,
AND CARRY IT INTO BATTLE IN MY BEHALF?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW,
NOW.
SEE, UH...
A COLONIAL RUFFIAN
LIKE ME
SAVING A BLUE BLOOD
LIKE YOU?
OH, BUT, CUFFY,
YOU MUST SAVE HIM.
HE'S SO TIRED AND SLEEPY.
I COULDN'T EAT MY SUPPER
TONIGHT FROM WORRYING OVER HIM.
BESIDES, THOU ART A CANTERVILLE THYSELF,
THE BLUEST BLOOD IN
ALL BROAD ENGLAND.
THE BLUEST BLOOD,
HUH?
OK, IT'S A DEAL.
YOU'RE IN, UNCLE,
THE FIRST TIME THEY TURN
ME LOOSE ON THOSE NAZIS.
I SHALL BE EVERLASTINGLY
GRATEFUL, NEPHEW.
I, TOO.
WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME
TO GET YOU HOME, LADY.
THUMBS UP, UNCLE.
IT'S IN THE BAG.
OH, FATHER,
GRANT THAT HE BE NO LIKE THE OTHERS.
THE WHOLE DAY
WASTED.
RIGHT NOW WE COULD BE IN
LONDON, BUZZIN' THE TOWN.
YEAH, OR ON SKIRT PATROL,
SKIRMISHING.
WHAT GETS ME IS,
THE LOOEY STILL THINKS
WE WERE UP ALL NIGH SHOOTING CRAP.
IF HE'D ONLY SEEN
THE GHOST.
DON'T WORRY, SARGE.
MAYBE HE WILL YET.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HOW?
CLICK,
CLICK.
YOU MEAN, TAKE HIS PICTURE?
IF WE HAD A CAMERA,
WHICH WE AIN'T GOT,
BUT WHICH YOU GOT.
WE GOT.
BUM BUM LA-BA BUM BUM
HEY, LOOK OUT!
WE GOT!
WHOA!
WE GOT THE CAMERA
FOR THE GHOST PICTURE.
LISTEN, YOU GUYS, WHY DON' YOU LAY OFF THAT POOR OLD GHOST?
HE ISN'T BOTHERING US
ANYMORE, IS HE?
NOT MUCH! IF IT WASN'T FOR
HIM, WE WOULDN'T BE STUCK HERE.
YOU CAN'T BLAME HIM. AFTER
ALL, A GHOST HAS TO GROAN
THROUGH KEYHOLES
AND RATTLE HIS CHAINS.
WHY THE SUDDEN
SYMPATHY?
YEAH. WHO DREAMED UP
THE GAS-MASK IDEA?
WELL, I KNOW, BUT NOW I GOT A
SORT OF A PERSONAL INTEREST IN HIM.
I HAVE EVERY REASON TO BELIEVE THA I'M THE LONG-LOST DUKE OF CANTERVILLE,
THE BLUEST BLOOD
IN ALL BROAD ENGLAND.
THE DUKE OF CANTERVILLE?
SEEMS TO ME I SEEN YOU
IN THE INDUCTION CENTER.
IF I WERE YOU,
I'D BE CAREFUL WHA I SAID AND DID, SEE?
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE LOAFING
ON MY LAWN
AND TALKING BEFORE YOU'RE TALKED TO.
YOU CAN
- I BEG YOUR PARDON, YOUR GRACE.
THIS IS YOUR
PRIVATE LAWN?
YEA.
ONLY YOU CAN
LIE ON IT?
YEA.
EXCUSE ME,
YOUR GRACE.
WHOA!
HA HA HA HA!
WHOOPS! SORRY!
DO YOU MIND IF WE REMOVE THE COVERALLS?
STEADY, OLD CHAP. IT'S
DEPANTSING
THE DUKE.
HEY, LOOK!
LOOK!
GIVE ME MY PANTS!
HERE, HIDE BEHIND.
GOOD AFTERNOON,
EVERYBODY.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
THIS IS MY AUNT,
MRS. POLVERDINE.
GLAD TO MEET YOU.
I DON'T KNOW ALL YOUR NAMES,
BUT YOU'RE BUGSY, AREN'T YOU?
YES, MA'AM.
HOW DO YOU DO?
AND MR. WALTERS.
HE'S THE INDIAN.
AND...
AND... OH, AUNTIE,
THIS IS
CUFFY WILLIAMS.
HOW DO YOU DO,
PRIVATE WILLIAMS?
YOU'VE MADE QUITE AN
IMPRESSION ON MY NIECE.
THANK YOU.
CUFFY-
I MEAN, ALL OF YOU-
AUNTIE SAID
I MIGHT INVITE YOU
TO THE PARTY IN THE
VILLAGE THIS AFTERNOON.
OOH! GEE!
A PARTY!
IT'S ONLY A
HOLIDAY-AT-HOME DANCE,
BUT THERE'LL BE
REFRESHMENTS.
GIRLS, TOO?
OH, YES.
GIRLS, SHE SAYS.
WHAT ARE THEY?
WELL...
GIRLS, GIRLS,
GIRLS...
OH, I REMEMBER.
THEN YOU'LL COME?
SURE.
OH, YEAH.
DRIVE ALONG, THEN,
JESSICA.
I'M SO GLAD
TO HAVE MET YOU.
4:00. DON'T FORGET.
THANK YOU.
BYE.
GOOD-BYE!
BYE!
BYE!
BYE-BYE!
SEE YOU!
GOOD-BYE!
BYE!
DON'T FORGE THE GIRLS!
BYE!
WELL, WET YOUR WHISTLES.
WET YOUR WHISTLES.
WHAT DO YOU DO ON
MOONLIGHT NIGHTS, DIMPLES?
GRIND CRANKSHAFTS
FOR WELLINGTON BOMBERS.
OH.
BUT IT'S DAYTIME NOW.
OH, WELL.
I SAY, COULD, UH...
ME?
UM, WOULD YOU...
SAM, SAM, ASK HIM
IF HE WANTS TO DANCE.
HIM?
AYE, HIM.
RIGHT.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?
WHY, I'D LOVE TO.
I BET HE WAS A GOOD DANCER AT ONE TIME.
HERE'S YOUR DREAM MAN,
COOKIE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HA HA!
MY LADY, MAY I HAVE THE
PLEASURE OF THIS DANCE?
WITH ME?
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW.
YOU DON'T? THEN IT'S
HIGH TIME YOU LEARNED.
ISN'T IT,
MRS. POLVERDINE?
I THINK
SHE'S VERY FORTUNATE
TO HAVE SUCH A CHARMING
DANCING TEACHER.
THANK YOU.
MY LADY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I GO FORWARD,
YOU GO BACKWARD.
WHEN I GO BACKWARD,
VICE VERSA.
1-2-3, 1-2-3.
THAT-A GIRL.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD
BE MORE DIFFICULT.
IT IS FOR MOST PEOPLE.
SWING IT OUT, OLD-TIMER. COME ON.
MIND IF I SAW
THEM CATGUTS, MISTER?
MY LADY, LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE
STUCK WITH THE BUNION EXPRESS.
I CAN'T.
COME ON.
CLIMB ABOARD.
IS THIS INDIAN STYLE?
UGH!
WHOOP! WHOOP!
WHOOP!
HOBOKEN TRIBE.
I BELIEVE THEY CALL I WOOGIE-BOOGIE.
HEY DOODLE DOODLE
DA DA DA
DOODLE DOODLE
DOODLE DOO OOH DA
DOODLE DOODLE
DOO DOO OOH DOO DOO
HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE
THE BELLE OF THE BALL?
I LIKE IT VERY MUCH,
BUT DOES IT ALWAYS
MAKE YOU SO DIZZY?
IT MAKES MOST OF THEM
EVEN DIZZIER.
SUPPOSE YOU AND I
HAVE A SHORT ONE, HMM?
TWO, UH, NEAT.
YES, SIR.
ANYHOW, WOULD YOU
BELIEVE IT?
THE LIEUTENAN THINKS IT'S APPLESAUCE.
I BELIEVE YOU SAW THE
CANTERVILLE GHOST RIGHT ENOUGH,
BUT THE DAY
WILL NEVER DAWN
WHEN HE'D RUN AWAY FROM A
HUMAN BEING, THAT IT WON'T.
WAIT A MINUTE. HERE'S
THE GUY TO BELIEVE.
BOYS, MEET THE DUKE
OF CANTERVILLE HIMSELF.
AHH!
OH!
OH, THE DUKE
OF CANTERVILLE.
HONORED,
YOUR GRACE.
IF IT CAN BE CALLED AN HONOR
TO MEET A CANTERVILLE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH
BEING A CANTERVILLE?
WELL, SINCE YOU'RE SO WELL-ACQUAINTED
WITH THE GHOST, WHY NOT ASK HIM?
CUFFY, PLEASE, UH,
WILL YOU DANCE
WITH ME AGAIN?
SURE.
HEY, YOU!
IT'S ME. CUFFY.
ODD'S GALLOWS, WHAT A
FRIGHT THOU GAVEST ME.
UNCLE,
I'VE BEEN THINKING.
LOOK, YOU CAN COME INTO
FOCUS NOW. IT'S ONLY ME.
OH, EXCUSE ME.
THANKS. THAT'S BETTER.
IT'S SUCH A PROBLEM TO
HAVE TO WALK THESE NIGHTS.
UNCLE, IF YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO HANG AROUND HERE
UNTIL A CANTERVILLE
DOES A BRAVE DEED FOR YOU,
HOW COME YOU'RE STILL HERE
AFTER 300 YEARS?
HAS IT REALLY BEEN
THAT LONG?
WHAT HAPPENED WHEN
THEY TRIED TO SAVE YOU?
EXCUSE ME. I'M OVERDUE NOW. I REALLY
MUST GIBBER AT THE ORIEL WINDOW.
WAIT A MINUTE.
QUIT STALLING.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH
THE CANTERVILLES?
WRONG? SIR, ARE YOU
IMPUGNING THE FAMILY HONOR?
ALL RIGHT. I WAS WILLING
TO PLAY ALONG WITH YOU,
BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO
HOLD OUT ON ME...
NAY, NAY, KINSMAN.
I WAS MERELY TRYING
TO SPARE THEE.
SPARE ME?
WHAT? GO ON.
SPILL IT.
MAYHAP IT IS BETTER
IF THINE ANCESTORS
SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES.
COME WITH ME.
HEY, EDDIE.
HE'S OUT THERE.
HARRY. HARRY.
THE GHOST IS WALKING.
COME ON.
IN HERE, NEPHEW.
UH!
OH, EXCUSE ME.
I KEEP FORGETTING.
IT'S OK.
JUST A LITTLE NEW TO ME.
THIS MUST BE A ROOM I MISSED
SWEEPING OUT THE OTHER DAY.
WOULD THOU COULDS SWEEP AWAY ITS HISTORY.
GAZE UPON THEM,
OUR NOBLE FAMILY.
SIR GERALD DE CANTERVILLE,
THE PROUD SKIPPER
OF THE FRIGATE CRANSTON.
WHEN SHE SANK,
HE WAS THE FIRS TO LEAVE HIS SHIP.
SIR ANDREW DE CANTERVILLE.
HE SAW A GRENADIER LOSE A
FINGER AT BLENHEIM BATTLE
AND SWOONED AWAY.
AND THE BLESSED TWINS.
LIEUTENANT PAUL
RODE THE WRONG WAY
IN THE CHARGE
OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE.
LIEUTENANT PETER WAS
10 LENGTHS AHEAD OF HIM.
YOU MEAN
THEY WERE ALL COWARDS.
ALL.
AT THE MOMENT OF CRISIS,
THEIR EYES DISTEND,
THEIR KNEES BUCKLE,
THEIR HANDS TREMBLE
AS WITH THE AGUE.
AYE, OF ALL
THE HEROIC FAMILIES
THAT FOR CENTURIES
HAVE BRIGHTENED
THE HONOR AND GLORY
OF ENGLAND,
OURS HAD TO BE A BROOD
OF LILY-LIVERED TITMICE.
SO THAT'S WHY
YOU HELD OUT ON ME.
YOU THOUGHT IF I FOUND
OUT, I'D BE THE SAME WAY.
OH, NAY, NOT AT ALL.
IT NEVER ENTERED MY MIND.
THEN WHAT ARE YOU MAKING
ALL THE FUSS ABOUT?
SO THEY ALL TURNED
CHICKEN ON YOU.
SO THEY ALL HAVE CARROTS
FOR BREAKFAST ON TUESDAYS.
IT'S THE SAME THING
TO ME.
VERILY?
I DON'T CARE
WHAT THE OTHERS DID.
THIS IS CUFFY, SEE?
VERILY.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
WHEW!
NOW, HARRY, SHOOT!
WE GOT IT!
YIPPEE!
WHAT'S GOING ON?
THE GHOST'S
PICTURE.
HE GOT IT.
WHO?
HARRY!
HE'S IN THE ARMOR.
THAT-A BOY, HARRY.
HARRY, YOU GOT IT.
TAKE IT EASY, HARRY.
TAKE IT EASY, NOW.
CAREFUL. CAREFUL!
GEE, I BROKE IT,
DIDN'T I, EDDIE?
THAT'S RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, MEN, THIS IS IT.
START LOADING THE TRUCKS.
BATTLE EQUIPMENT!
CHECK THE MEN
FOR PERSONAL BELONGINGS.
WALKER-DYNAMITE,
PLUNGER BOXES, FUSE, WIRE.
OK, SERGEANT.
LET'S GO!
BROWN! BE SURE TO TAKE OFF THA RING. IT'LL SHINE IN THE DARK.
SURE THING, SARGE.
REMEMBER, WE BLOW
THE REFINERY AT 2350.
WE HAVE TO HOLD THIS POINT THE
EIGHT MINUTES IT TAKES US TO GET BACK
IN CASE ANY JERRIES COME DOWN THIS ROAD
FROM THE COAST AND TRY TO CUT US OFF.
CHECK?
CHECK.
CHECK.
McDOUGLE, YOU'LL FIND THE PHONE
WIRE ABOUT A HALF-MILE DOWN THE ROAD.
CUT IT AND GET BACK
TO YOUR CREW. YES, SIR.
SEE YOU LATER, KIDS.
PROTECTION PLUS
THE WIDEST RANGE OF FIRE.
YOU ALL SET?
YEP.
IT WON'T BE LONG NOW,
GWENDOLYN.
I THINK I'LL KEEP AN EYE OUT FROM ABOVE.
OK, CUFFY.
...BUT DELIVER US
FROM EVIL,
FOR THINE IS THE KINGDOM
AND THE POWER AND THE GLORY
FOREVER AND EVER.
AMEN.
I HAVE SO MUCH SPECIAL
TO ASK TONIGHT.
PLEASE TAKE CARE OF CUFFY.
PLEASE DO.
DON'T LET HIM GET HURT.
AND UNCLE SIMON-
YOU KNOW,
I TOLD YOU ABOUT HIM-
HE'S SUCH A POOR, POOR,
FUNNY OLD GHOST,
AND HE'S SO TIRED.
WON'T YOU PLEASE
LET CUFFY SAVE HIM
SO HE CAN GO TO SLEEP?
YE SKULKING, CRINGING,
MISBEGOTTEN PACKAGE OF PEAFOWL,
YE WRETCHED POLTROONS
WHO HAVE DARKENED
ENGLAND'S BRIGHTEST MOMENTS,
NOT FOR LONG NOW
WILL I HAVE YOU LEERING AT ME
IN CYNICAL MOCKERY,
NOT FOR LONG...
YE DRIBBLE-PUSSES.
AS FOR THEE,
CAPTAIN BERTRAM,
WHO HID TREMBLING
IN A WELL AT WATERLOO,
I SPIT IN THINE EYE.
THEE, FAT ALGERNON,
WHO POSED FOR TWO YEARS
AS A DOWAGER
TO ESCAPE FIGHTING
A DUEL,
I SPIT IN THINE EYE.
THEE, SIR PERCIVAL,
WHO FOUGHT THROUGH
THE THIRTY YEARS' WAR
WITHOUT FIRING
A SHOT...
OH!
THE RING!
OH! OH!
AAH!
OH! OH!
DID YOU SEE IT?
OH! AAH!
OOH!
AAH!
THE RING.
YOU FORGOT THE RING.
OH. WELL, GIVE IT HERE.
THANK YOU.
FORGET IT.
WELL?
THINKEST THOU THE ENEMY
WILL COME THIS WAY?
THAT ISN' WHAT'S WORRYING YOU.
WITH HALF AN EYE, ONE CAN SEE
THAT THOU HAST THE HEART OF A LION.
HORSEFEATHERS. GO AWAY, WILL YOU? GO ON!
I MERELY THOUGH I COULD BOLSTER YOU UP
IN CASE YOU WERE
A BIT SQUEAMISH.
I WANT TO BE SQUEAMISH!
QUIT CHECKING UP ON ME
AND SCRAM, WILL YOU?
AS YOU WILL.
I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU
TO BEAT IT.
THOU ART MY ONLY HOPE,
MY ONLY SALVATION.
SIGN OFF, WILL YOU?!
WHAT'S HAPPENED
TO THOSE GUYS?
TRIGGER!
KEEP A COOL HEAD. KEEP A
COOL HEAD. KEEP A COOL HEAD.
GET OUT OF HERE!
GO ON, GET OUT!
MOTORCYCLE PATROL.
LOTS OF THEM.
MM-HMM.
WE'LL WAIT TILL WE SEE
THE BACKS OF THEIR TONSILS.
GOD, THERE'S HOPE.
TRIGGER.
TRIGGER!
GET 'EM, CUFFY.
FIRE, NEPHEW, FIRE!
FIRE, NEPHEW, FIRE!
NEPHEW! NEPHEW!
NEPHEW.
OH, ICE CREAM AND COOKIES
FOR FLAT-FOOTED ROOKIES
SO CHEER UP, MY LADS,
BLESS THEM ALL
OH!
BLESS THEM ALL,
BLESS THEM ALL
THE LONG AND THE SHOR AND THE TALL
BLESS ALL THE BLONDIES
AND ALL THE BRUNETTES
EACH LAD IS HAPPY
TO TAKE WHAT HE GETS
'CAUSE WE'RE GIVING
THE EYE TO THEM ALL
THE ONES THAT ATTRAC OR APPALL
MAUD, MAGGIE, OR SUSIE,
YOU CAN'T BE TOO CHOOSY
WHEN YOU'RE IN CAMP,
BLESS THEM ALL
THE COLONEL'S COMPLIMENTS,
AND HE WANTS ME TO TELL YOU
THAT WE ARE THE BEST PLATOON
IN THE WHOLE OUTFIT.
HOORAY!
HOORAY!HOORAY!
BUT I'M NOT SATISFIED,
SO WE'RE GONNA TAKE
A LITTLE JAUNT INTO THE WOODS
AND IRON OUT THE MISTAKES
WE MADE ON OUR RAID.
RIGHT NOW.
RIGHT NOW!
FALL IN!
WILLIAMS.
I'VE DISCUSSED YOUR REPOR WITH THE COLONEL, AND HE FEELS
WE HAVE NO ALTERNATIVE BUT TO
TRANSFER YOU BACK TO YOUR OLD OUTFIT.
RULES ARE RULES, WILLIAMS, AND
WE CAN'T AFFORD TO RISK YOUR LIFE
AND THE LIVES OF OTHERS
TAKING ANOTHER CHANCE.
YES, SIR.
I'VE ARRANGED FOR A JEEP
TO PICK YOU UP AT 2200.
THANK YOU, SIR.
GOOD LUCK, WILLIAMS.
SIR, THE PLATOON
IS FORMED.
LEFT FACE!
RIGHT SHOULDER-
ARMS!
FORWARD MARCH!
GERTIE FROM BIZERTE
YOU'RE AS PURTY, PURTY,
PURTY AS CAN BE
GERTIE FROM BIZERTE
DON'T YOU NEVER,
EVER DARE DESERTIE ME
THOUGH YOUR LINGO
I DON'T KNOW
WHEN WE KISS, YOU MAKE ME
HOLLER "BINGO!" HO HO HO
GERTIE FROM BIZERTE
YOU'RE THE GAL FOR ME
CUFFY, I'VE BEEN
EXPECTING YOU FOR DAYS,
AND AUNTIE
PUT ME TO BED EARLY,
AND I COULDN'T SLEEP
ALL LAST NIGHT, AND-
CUFFY, WHAT HAPPENED?
YOU BETTER RUN ALONG HOME,
LADY. I GOT TO PACK.
YOU'RE GOING AWAY?
YEAH.
OH, CUFFY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
LOOK AT ME.
I'M A CANTERVILLE,
ALL RIGHT,
JUST AS COWARDLY
AS THE REST OF THEM.
DON'T SAY THAT.
YOU'RE NOT A COWARD.
YOU'RE BRAVE.
I KNOW IT.
I KNOW IT.
ALL RIGHT, LADY,
HAVE IT YOUR OWN WAY.
CUFFY.
I'M SORRY
IT TURNED OUT THIS WAY.
GOOD-BYE, LADY.
CUFFY...
CUFFY! CUFFY!
THERE'S A PARACHUTE. I
JUST SAW IT COMING DOWN.
MAYBE A NAZI
CAME DOWN IN IT.
OH, CUFFY,
WHAT WILL WE DO?
WHERE IS
THAT PARACHUTE, LADY?
IT'S THIS SIDE
OF THE STONE BRIDGE.
WHERE'S THE STONE BRIDGE?
DO YOU KNOW THE OLD SIDE ROAD? NO.
I'LL TAKE YOU.
I KNOW A SHORTCUT.
ALL RIGHT. COME ON.
WE'LL GO IN THE JEEP.
THERE.
YOU STAY HERE.
DUCK DOWN.
DUCK DOWN!
PARACHUTE MINE!
A BLOCKBUSTER!
LET'S GO, LADY!
THAT THING GOES OFF, IT'LL KILL EVERY
LIVING THING WITHIN A HALF A MILE!
THE SLIGHTEST JAR
MIGHT START IT TICKING.
LOOK! THE RANGERS.
THEY'RE SCATTERED
ALL THROUGH THE WOODS.
THEY'LL BE KILLED.
JESSICA, GET BACK
TO THE CASTLE QUICK!
BUT AREN'T YOU
COMING?
I GOT TO HAUL IT AWAY WITH THE
JEEP, DUMP IT OVER THE CLIFF.
GET GOING NOW. RUN QUICK!
HIDE IN THE CELLAR!
RUN!
LADY JESSICA!
OH, UNCLE SIMON!
WHERE'S CUFFY? HAS HE
ENCOUNTERED THE ENEMY?
OH, UNCLE SIMON, CUFFY'S
MOVING A BLOCKBUSTER.
HE'S DOING THE BRAVES DEED THAT EVER WAS.
THE PORTRAI OF A CANTERVILLE.
NO, UNCLE, NO!
YOU'RE NOT A COWARD!
YOU'RE NOT A COWARD!
CUFFY, YOU WERE
DOING THE BRAVE DEED.
DON'T YOU SEE?
YOU CAN DO IT!
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID
BECAUSE YOU'RE A CANTERVILLE.
YOU ONLY THINK YOU DO.
LOOK, CUFFY, I'M NO AFRAID OF THE MINE!
LOOK, CUFFY, LOOK!
I'M NOT AFRAID OF THE
MINE! LOOK, CUFFY, LOOK!
I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING
BECAUSE, BECAUSE...
IT'S TICKING!
JESSICA!
RUN FOR IT, LADY!
I'M ALL RIGHT NOW.
GO GET OUT OF HERE.
I'M ALL RIGHT,
I TELL YOU! RUN!
OUT OF MY WAY!
CAREFUL, NEPHEW.
CAREFUL.
GET IN, UNCLE.
KEEP YOUR EYE
ON THAT TOW CHAIN.
UH!
OOH!
HEY, YOU RANGERS,
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
WE GOT A BLOCKBUSTER
ON HERE,
A TIME BOMB!
RUN! BLOCKBUSTER!
OOH!
OH!
HEY, UNCLE,
WHERE ARE YOU?
HERE!
WHOA!
NEPHEW!
NEPHEW!
IF IT'LL ONLY HOLD
FOR 20 SECONDS MORE!
4, 5, 6, 7,
8, 9, 10, 11...
13, 14, 15, 16...
RUN, UNCLE, RUN!
AAH!
RUN, NEPHEW!
27, 28, 29, 30,
31, 32, 33, 34,
35, 3-
WHAT'S ALL THIS HOOEY
ABOUT TICKING?
IT'S A DUD.
HOW WILL WE EVER
GET IT INTO PLACE AGAIN?
OH, MY.
MY BOWLER.
NEVER MIND YOUR BOWLER.
GO AND RING UP
THE AIR RAID SERVICE.
OH, DEAR.
WELL, I SUPPOSE WE'RE LUCKY
TO HAVE ESCAPED WITH OUR LIVES.
JESSICA.
I MADE HIM DO IT.
CUFFY.
NOW, DARLING,
WE'LL GO HOME,
AND I'LL PUT YOU
IN YOUR NICE WARM BED.
I'LL GET YOUR THINGS.
GERTIE FROM BIZERTE
YOU'RE THE GAL FOR ME
GERTIE FROM BIZERTE
CUFFY!
... AS CAN BE
GERTIE FROM BIZERTE
DON'T YOU NEVER,
EVER DARE DESERTIE ME
DESERTIE ME
THOUGH YOUR LINGO
I DON'T KNOW
WHEN WE KISS, YOU MAKE ME
HOLLER "BINGO!" HO HO HO
GERTIE FROM BIZERTE
YOU'RE THE GAL
FOR ME
CUFFY, YOU'RE ALIVE.
HOW DID YOU DO IT?
I JUST DUMPED THE COCKEYED
THING RIGHT INTO THE RAVINE.
LIKE SAINT GEORGE
SLAYING THE COCKEYED DRAGON.
OH! UNCLE SIMON.
WHAT, CHILD?
IF CUFFY IS
A CANTERVILLE,
AND HE'S DONE
A BRAVE DEED FOR YOU,
THEN WHY ARE YOU
STANDING HERE?
YEAH. WHY AREN'T YOU IN THA GARDEN BEYOND THE PINE WOODS?
FATHER.
FATHER!
FATHER!
POOR UNCLE SIMON.
FATHER!
FATHER.
THANK YOU, NEPHEW.
THANK YOU, NIECE.
FAREWELL.
FAREWELL, UNCLE.
FAREWELL.
DID YOU SEE THAT,
LIEUTENANT?
THAT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN
TRYING TO...
GEE, THAT CERTAINLY IS A
LONG TIME TO GO WITHOUT SLEEP.
YES, BUT YOU NEARLY
ALWAYS HAVE TO WAI FOR ANYTHING
YOU WANT VERY MUCH.
HOW OLD ARE YOU,
CUFFY?
WHY?
I SHALL BE 7 IN MAY.