The Errand Boy (1961) Movie Script

This is Hollywood.
Land of the real and the unreal.
The unreal are the actors.
And the reel, nothing more
than a thing to put film on.
From up here, I guess
it doesn't look very much different
from your hometown.
But how would you know?
You don't go around looking
at your hometown from a plane.
This is a town where dedicated people
spend every waking hour
applying their varied talents
to the making of a product,
the only purpose of which is
to take you away
from the harsh realities of life into
the wondrous land of Make-Believe.
What's your pleasure?
How about a love story?
Yes, a love story.
I love you very much.
Saying it is very trivial.
I love you too.
Oh, my beautiful, wonderful man.
I could listen to you for hours.
But that would deprive me
of the tenderness of your lips.
Don't speak anymore.
Nor shall I.
Kiss me, my love.
Yes, this is Hollywood.
Where, for just the price of a ticket,
they will take you anyplace
you want to go.
Anyplace that is, except one.
Seldom will they let you inside one
of those sound stages down there,
where their magic potion is brewed.
And we'll show you why.
Sometimes the good guys
are afraid of horses.
And if they're afraid of horses,
they're certainly not going
to let them use real rocks on them.
Mistreated girl, you think.
She was formerly middleweight
champion of the Marine Corps.
The lovers?
In real life,
these two are man and wife.
All right. Here we go for a take.
Would you mind not sitting
on my jacket?
If I had my way, stupid,
I'd be sitting in another state!
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
Well, listen, nitwit!
If it wasn't for me...
If it wasn't for you?
Why, you cheap imitation
of a screen extra,
I ought to smack you
right in the mouth!
Besides everything else,
you're the Very dream that I dreamed.
Aside from the behind-the-scenes
activities of the people
that are constantly seen
on the silver screen,
we would like to show you
the behind-the-scenes activities
of the motion-picture tsars
and tsaresses and their tsurisses.
Of the motion-picture tsars
and tsaresses and their tsurisses.
And so as not to make this
in any way
a completely dry
and stilted documentary,
we have acquired the services
of one the most prominent
and highly intelligent idiots available.
This is Paramutual Pictures
And this is the inner working brain
of a highly successful
and wealthy company
of motion-picture makers.
And furthermore, how do you expect
us to continue to be highly successful
and wealthy motion-picture makers
when constantly, day after day,
we're losing money?
And furthermore and most important,
we're not losing that money
at the box office.
I suppose that's because
"MoVies Are Your Best Entertainment".
Now. This money that I mentioned
that we're constantly losing,
it's here, in the studio.
And we must find out how and where
it's going and who's getting it!
Now, I haVe sitting beside me
Mr. Fumble,
of the distinguished firm
of Fumble, Fidgett and Fuss,
the famous efficiency experts.
I've asked Mr. Fumble here
to help us find out
why money is being wasted
by some 3,000 employees
of Paramutual Pictures.
In short,
we need an efficiency expert
to be exposed to the everyday routine
of this studio
and report to us any financial leak
or excess spending.
Tom, dear.
You're the businessman of the family,
and you've always been the smartest.
Up to now.
And you've always been the smartest.
Up to now.
But this is not the way, Tom, dear.
With due respect to Mr. Fumble,
it simply will not work.
And may I ask, why?
Yes. Why?
Because this is a job
for someone that nobody knows.
Well, I haVe a Very good business,
and I simply will not
take on an assignment
that I feel we can't do
our best work with.
- And therefore, I must withdraw.
- But, Mr. Fumble!
And I warn you, if this is to be
a successful Venture on your part,
be sure that you pick someone
that nobody knows.
But nobody!
Someone nobody knows?
Irma Paramutual?
You've been around here
since we opened the place.
Ulysses Paramutual?
No, you've been around too long too.
Albert Paramutual?
No. EVerybody knows you.
Paramutual. Paramutual.
Nobody but Paramutuals.
Someone nobody knows.
Tom, I maintain that in order
to get the information that you want,
we should get somebody
that not only nobody knows,
but someone that couldn't care less
about our problems,
or anybody else's for that matter.
- How do you mean?
- I mean that we need somebody
who is so concerned
with his own problems
that he won't know that we
literally want him to spy for us.
And it should be somebody
who doesn't care about money,
who doesn't care how we spend ours
or how much we haVe
or how much anybody else has.
Just where do you find
this sort of someone?
Frankly, Tom, I don't think you do.
The person that we want
probably doesn't exist.
There just couldn't be
anybody that stupid.
Yeah. There isn't anybody that stupid.
Hey, WeaVer! Come here.
Get him.
Yes, sir.
Hey, kid. Would you
come down here a minute?
Does Hitler? What?
- Hello, young man.
- Hello, man.
- Do you know who we are?
- The parole board?
We're the people who run this studio.
We're the Paramutuals.
Sounds like a rock 'n ' roll band.
You know, I think he'll be perfect.
What's your name, young man?
Tashman. Morty Tashman.
Morty S. Tashman.
What's the S for?
Scared. I'm frightened
at a lot of things.
- Morty!
- Yeah?
How would you like to be the new
errand boy for Paramutual Pictures?
- It doesn't pay much.
- But at least the hours are lousy.
Well, I don't care really about
the hours or money...
- Good!
- You're hired!
Thanks a lot, but what do I do?
To be here now? To sit.
Miss O'R iley, will you send in
Mr. Sneak right away, please?
- Now, Morty.
- Yes, sir!
Your only contact
will be Dexter Sneak.
Now, he's been with us for 35 years.
He's Very loyal.
- He should be, we gaVe him a watch.
- Yeah. That we did.
And, we can trust him
to get us the information
that you will pass on to him.
- You sent for me, T. P?
- Yes, Dexter. Come here.
Oh, Master of the Film.
Oh, Sultan of the Cinema.
Great White Father and Ruler
oVer me, speak up. What is your wish?
It will be done by me,
your humble and obedient...
All right. Now, tomorrow morning,
I want you to take Morty here
to the Personnel Department.
- To the Personnel Department.
- Yeah.
See that he gets an interView
for a job here in the studio.
Job here in the studio.
- But most important of all...
- Most important.
...see that he's hired.
- Hired, of course.
Now, I'll fill you in later
on your functions with him.
My functions with...
Oh, your wish is my com...
Oh, Master of the Film
and Sultan of the Cinema,
Great White Ruler oVer me...
- Oh, shut up!
- Oh, shut up!
Yeah, and take him with you.
Boy, boy, boy. Boy, boy.
Come here. That's it. See.
Send the boy...
Oh, the boy. Oh, goodness.
My function... I will... Don't you worry...
Because... Personnel...
Oh, Master...
Oh, I forgot.
Thank you Very much, sir, for the...
And thank you.
And you're also Very nice, and I...
Oh, I didn't... I mean, I got this
from when I was putting...
It's just a little thumbnack.
But you can always wash it off
if you haVe a hard brush.
Qualifications and your experience,
the type of job you're interested in.
And you address that to Mr. Arbit,
who is the head of
the Personnel Department, and yes.
Well... Well, it's a Very simple
procedure after that.
Oh, well, I'm sorry,
everybody has to go through that.
But... Well, I don't know.
Well, I just work here
in the Personnel Department. Huh?
No, you haVe to list
your qualifications, your ex...
I'm just like the girl out here...
Thank you. Goodbye. Yes?
Oh, I'm Morty S. Tashman,
and Mr. Sneak sent me
to haVe this job.
Morty S...
Yeah, to see the Personal.
Mr. Arbit? Good morning.
Mr. Tashman is here.
- Morty S. Tashman.
- Morty S. Tashman to see about a job.
- Very good, Miss Giles. Send him in.
- Could you go right in, please?
- Thank you Very much.
- Thank you Very much.
I think that was that one. That one
was bad when I came through.
Seems like everything has to be...
I'm awfully sorry,
I didn't notice that...
Oh, I'm sorry.
Would you mind if I just?
I'd like...
There's no more? That's it, then.
I can go in.
Now, when you get
to the Wardrobe Department,
you ask for the head,
Mr. Babewoesentall.
Mr. Babe... Who?
He's the head of the Wardrobe.
- Benfanfinton.
- No.
- Babe...
- Well, it's hard. I'll help you.
- Say, "Babe".
- Babe.
- "Woes".
- Woes.
- "Ent".
- Ent.
- "All".
- All.
No. Well, forget it. Just follow me.
Good morning, Miss Giles.
How are you?
Very well, thank you,
Mr. Wabenlottnee.
I'd like to haVe you meet Morty.
Morty, this is Mr. Wabenlottnee.
Mr. Wabenlottnee, Morty.
- Hello, Morty.
- Hello, Mr. Habenoppin.
If you please. May I help you?
A lot of people haVe difficulty with that.
- It's "Wa".
- Wa.
- "Ben".
- Ben.
- "Lott".
- Lott.
- "Nee".
- Nee.
- Wabenlottnee.
- Bobbinnotten.
No, that was the other guy
you wanted to meet.
- ForgiVe me, please. I must leaVe.
- I mixed up...
- I'm a little late. See you later.
- I'm sorry.
- So long, Mr. Hebbenstymin.
- Mr. Babewoesentall.
I'd like to haVe you meet Morty,
the new errand boy.
Sorry, Miss Giles, I'm in an awful hurry.
HaVe him see Mr. Verdmittinin.
Yeah, but I was just practicing
Wabennabbin and then Baysentoll...
- Who should I? Vermin?
- He's the head of the other head.
All right, then I'll see Mr. Hebbin...
No, Varbinin?
Well, one of those guys. And
the first thing to do is pick up a card
and punch it in
before you go to Wardrobe.
- Do I ask for any names there?
- No, just the card.
- Pleasure meeting you.
- Thank you, Miss Gorman.
- And a lot of luck to you.
- Worbenmebbin. Farben Memall.
Who's... Miss Gates?
Get back in line, will you?
And no talking.
Things are tough enough
without suggestions
and constant interruptions.
Will you please get back in line?
Now, this won't take long, kids!
All you haVe to do is go inside
and get your wardrobe assignments.
You were all here yesterday,
you know what you haVe to do!
Now, please try
and be a little patient!
We're making a motion picture,
at least we're trying to!
OK, Charlie!
All right, kids, come on, this is it.
MoVe inside now. Right away.
That's it. Hurry it along now.
I don't want to lose any time on this
picture. Come on, hurry it along.
That's right. Right away.
We're gonna start right away.
Get down there, fellas. That's it.
Right down the street there. That's it.
Just keep going, right straight down.
What's the matter? What's holding?
Go ahead. MoVe it along, will you?
Come on, fellas, let's go. That's it.
All right, kids. Settle down.
Take your positions.
The same ones that you had yesterday
during the rehearsal.
You know what you haVe to do.
And you know that this
is a quality scene
in one of Mr. Buzzbee's
quality pictures.
Good morning, Mr. Buzzbee.
How do you feel?
That's good.
You get a good night's sleep?
- Rehearse! Action!
- Here she is...
- Hold it!
- Hold it!
- We make it on film!
- We make it on film!
- EVerybody ready?
- EVerybody ready?
- Camera!
- Speed.
Here she is, direct from
three months of no work:
Miss Bubbles Rothschild!
Hit the music! Playback!
My blue eyes just wink for you
Hold it! Hold it!
- Hold it!
- Hold it!
- Hold it! Hold it!
- Hold it! Hold it!
He appears to be sore
about something.
This is one of his precious moods.
I've never seen him
so warm and kind.
Hey, you weren't here yesterday.
How come?
Well, I'm not... I'm not... I'm not...
- When they were all walking...
- Hold it!
- I'm not... I'm not...
- Hold it! Hold!
My blue eyes just wink for you
Wink, wink, wink, wink, wink at you
I belong to you know who
You wacka do wacka do do do
Do de oh do
Do de oh do
Vo de oh do
Vo de oh do
That's my way of saying that it's you
I wanna know
My blue eyes just wink for you
Wink, wink, wink, wink, wink at you
I belong to you know who
You wacka do wacka do do do
Do de oh do
Do de oh do
Vo de oh do
Vo de oh do
That's my way of saying that it's you
- That it's you
- I wanna know
Vo de oh do
Vo vo de oh do
Wack wack wacka do
Wack wacka do
You know who
I know you and I know how too
But I know that you and me are...
You forget the words?
I got that...
When I heard with a wacka do da,
it made me...
I was gonna tell you
that I don't belong to work in that
when I was wacka do- ing
I liked that tune a lot, so I
tainy wingum wacka do- ing
Oh, but I'll go away now
so you can do your other moVie parts.
Oh, wack wack wack and you
You know who
I know you and I know how too
Now, listen.
And listen loud!
When you guys come
and go from this office,
I want you to come and go
in quick order,
without a lot of unnecessary chatter
amongst yourselVes!
- Haskins!
- Yes, sir.
See that the Accounting Department
gets these letters right away!
Lance! I...
Yes, sir.
I want you to make a pickup
at T.P.'s office. Double time!
Larkin! Go down... the L.A. Post office
for a registered letter and sign for it,
then bring it back here quick-like!
- And now, Morty!
- Yeah!
Oh, I stuck my...
- Morty.
- Yeah.
Before I giVe you your assignment...
Don't yell or hit.
- Let me make this clear to you.
- I'm going to listen to every clear.
Good, because this is
Very, Very important to me.
Yeah, I'll do all the things.
- Now, you are to take these packages.
- Packages.
- EnVelopes.
- EnVelopes.
- Papers.
- Papers.
- That other matter.
- Other matter.
- And papers.
- These all also papers?
Also these papers,
and deliVer them to the addressee
indicated on the outside
of each item. Is that clear?
I was gonna say while you were
saying it, it's Very clear.
If I see it says to go to a place,
I'll go there.
But if I don't,
then it won't be clear.
Good. Now.
Now for the important part.
Now, you know, Morty,
I am a Very patient man.
I noticed before
how terrific your mind is.
And it takes a great deal
for me to become unhinged
- for one reason or another.
- Yeah.
But you see, when my nerVes tip me
off that I'm going to become unglued,
that's when I haVe to assert myself,
do you understand that, Morty?
You're about to smack people, right?
That's when I haVe to assert myself!
Oh, if you just don't bang.
Is that clear?
Oh, that scared me and it's clear.
Is there more you're gonna tell me?
Because I wanna rest a second.
- Yes! Yes, there's more.
- Oh, tell me, then.
- The best part.
- Don't hit, though.
When you go out that confounded
screen door, I want you to be sure...
And let me repeat this,
I want you to be absolutely sure
that the screen door does not slam!
I'll be Very careful
that it won't make a noise.
- Thank you!
- You're welcome, sir.
Now, pick up these packages,
enVelopes and...
The enVelopes and...
- And I take them all at the same time?
- Please do.
Packages and the enVelopes.
I can take them...
I'll take the packages,
and then I can carry the enVelopes
at the same time?
All of the things,
and I won't let that door slam.
And the let...
And all of the deliVering parts.
EnVelopes and packages...
And I'll carry all of that
to the names of whatever
is on the address.
I got a typewriter too.
I better leaVe the machine.
And watch that door, Morty!
Yeah. It won't slam. I was worried
about the noisy typewriter.
That Lindbergh sure had guts,
didn't he?
All the way by himself.
It's all water.
Eleven. Anyone for 11?
TwelVe. TwelVe out, please.
Let them out.
This is 13!
Do you smoke, ma'am?
Thank heaVens.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I never would... I've...
You look just... I don't...
Really. Never before I...
Well, I...
Somehow I haVe a feeling
it's Very close to lunchtime.
Well, so it is.
And I would judge by the grip
on the lunch boxes
and the amount of moisture
around the lips,
that the lunch bell should ring
in about 15 seconds.
Now, when that bell rings,
it means you haVe exactly 30 minutes
to eat your lunch.
Not 31 minutes, mind you.
Thirty minutes.
Now, we usually eat right here
in the office to saVe a little time.
And now,
for you ladies and gentlemen,
who enjoy early dinner music
for lunch,
it's the lovely, soft
and tender strains of Cordovan
and his world-famous string quartet
playing "Stout Grain".
You dropped your lettuce.
There are all three of them that...
That's from...
All four of them, and...
Did I see them on teleVision or what?
And that's what I thought when I...
Oh, you're scared also.
Could I haVe an autograph
for my tele? Family?
Hello. I was sent...
From the Production Department.
Are you the errand boy?
Yeah, I was gonna say that.
I'm the errand boy.
They told me to come oVer
and relieve you.
Thanks. I'll only be a minute or two.
All right. What do I do, just take?
Oh, that's a little... I'm sorry.
I just take the checks and...
All right.
Thank you.
How do you work that?
- Hello.
- Hello.
- And what'll you haVe?
- I want 25 cents' worth of jelly beans.
Twenty-fiVe cents' worth?
Those are Very good, those bonbons.
You want jelly?
What about the? Licorice would
be good, don't you think so?
A dollar a pound.
Twenty-fiVe cents, a quarter pound...
A quarter...
Here you are, dear.
Thank you.
Jelly beans. That's the best.
Boy, I've got...
Here's an extra one.
And what would you like to haVe, dear?
I would like 25 cents' worth
of those jelly beans too.
That's not good to...
Wonder what would happen
if the woman was here.
What happened to this?
It's not...
Well, you get extra this way, but just...
This is Very good.
Here. You can split the extra part.
With her.
It's Very hot in here.
I'll leaVe it out.
And I suppose you want 25 cents'
worth of jelly beans too?
No, thank you Very kindly, sir.
"No, thank you Very kindly."
Very nice little boy. Polite.
I like children that are polite.
I'm glad. This is...
...the heaViest jellies...
All right, sonny, what would you
like to haVe?
I would like to haVe 10 cents'
worth of jelly beans.
Geronimo! Banzai!
You little monsters!
Cut! Cut!
Cut! Hold it! Cut!
Hold it! Hold it!
Well, you haVen't had
any word from the kid yet?
There hasn't been any word
yet from this...
Oh, no, no. Not a word, T.P., sir.
I see. Well, are you sure
that nobody knows anything?
And I'm sure that nobody
knows anything about it...
Oh, positiVe. PositiVe, sir, T.P.
- I mean, does anybody suspect?
- Does anybody suspect?
Oh, you can rest assure, sir,
that no one even knows that he's aliVe.
Now listen, and listen loud!
Listen to the man.
When you go and come out of here,
we want you to come and go
and get in here in short order.
Get it in, get it out.
Get it back. Get it forward.
Get it fast, get it slow. We're on
a big thing. When I say go...
Right? Right. Check.
Did he see me?
Did he see me?
Kidding around, you know.
- Morty!
- Yes, sir.
Do you know where the
Stenographic Department is?
You go right out here, turn to your right,
go into the building, go up three flights.
The quickest way for you to go
is to make a turn...
I'm not going, you're going!
Oh, all right.
I just want to be sure
you know where it is.
Yes, sir, I do.
Now, these are Very important
script changes
- for Gun-fighters of the Prairie.
- Yes, sir.
Now, they need this stuff
right away.
They're probably gonna
shoot it this afternoon.
- So get going.
- Yes, sir.
- And Morty?
- Yes, sir?
- Please...
- Oh, don't worry.
No, don't worry, sir.
I mean, what can happen?
I'm just gonna deliVer the papers,
that's all.
Morty, don't slam the... door.
They told me...
Is this where you bring all the?
They said to bring the...
Here are the papers.
They said I should bring here,
this paper here,
to haVe...
To haVe the papers...
Take inside...
The Gunslinging in Your Belt part.
No, I'm working on
The Sea of the Big Pirates.
Miss Herok, back there in the corner,
is working on
The Gun-fighters of the Prairie.
Oh, I'm sor... Thank you.
Then I'll bring all the pages from the...
Are you Miss Hammond?
Are you the?
Are you the girl that?
Are you the girl that?
Are you Miss Har?
Yeah, well, I brought the
Gunsl... Part...
Those are blue page changes.
I only work on white pages.
I think you're gonna haVe to see
Miss Calonica.
She's oVer there.
She works on the blue pages.
Oh, all right. Then her.
That person is gonna take that.
- Yeah, she works on the blue pages.
- Oh, thanks a lot, Miss Heidenan.
You're welcome.
Well, let me get the...
Let me... I just...
Here's a bunch of them to...
I'd better... I'm s...
I didn't mean...
Well, don't look mad.
You'll get the...
Maybe a sweeper would...
Let's go.
Come on. If we're late again,
Grumpy's not gonna be
as precious as he usually is.
I'm gonna finish my milk
because I drink the milk.
It's the only time of the day
that I haVe any energy.
That's the only...
Milk is for my teeth.
And calcium to make me...
Milk is the best.
I drink it a lot to help...
Certainly sounds different, Baron.
I can't wait to see this.
Me too. I never seen rushes before.
And this scene you mentioned, Baron,
was shot only yesterday?
That's right. You see that film
just as I do, for the first time.
- Wonderful.
- Well, fine.
Now, it will only take a minute,
and we'll be ready.
And in the meantime, let me explain.
Now, this scene is without words.
Just music.
It's a cocktail party at one of
the richest families in Philadelphia.
When the daughter comes in,
finding her mother and father gone,
leaVing only the guests with drinks
in their hands and then...
What is that?
Where does that face come from?
Whose face is that anyway?
- You mean you didn't plan that?
- Plan that? Are you crazy?
Look! My film is ruined!
Who is that?
Will somebody please tell me,
who is that?
It is... It is kaput!
EVerything is kaput!
If film is kaput, I am kaput!
Well, what are we waiting for, Jedson?
We're waiting for the film,
Mr. Greenback.
We can't roll for a sound take unless
we're in sync with the picture.
Sync, schmync. You guys are always
making with the technical terms
so producers don't know
what you're talking about.
And if we made it sound simple,
then would they know?
I just thought it would be much
better if we could...
All right, roll it.
Goodbye, my little darling.
I'm a-gonna miss you.
Goodbye, Brett, honey.
Oh, I hate to see a cry in your eye.
Please, Brett, don't fret,
because you are my
When I'm near you
And I hear you speak my name
Softly in my ear
You breathe a flame
When we're dancing
Keep on glancing in my eyes
Till love's own entrancing music dies
All of my future is in you
You're every plan I design
Promise you'll always continue
I know, I know! What do you think
I called this dubbing session for?
She's awful. Horrible.
And I don't think she can sing either.
Now, shall we try one with the
singer doing it, Mr. Greenback?
All right, everything on.
We go for a take with the other Voice.
If you're ready, Miss Hayes,
we can try a take.
I'm all set when you are.
Please, Brett, don't fret,
because you are my
When I'm near you
And I hear you speak my name
Softly in my ear
You breathe a flame
When we're dancing
Keep on glancing in my eyes
Till love's own entrancing music dies
All of my future is in you
You're every plan I design
Promise you'll always continue
To be mine
Please be tender
When you're tender, fears depart
I surrender
To my heart
Wonderful, miss,
just simply wonderful.
All right, fellas, that's a print.
Wrap it up, and that's lunch, one hour.
Good boy.
Goodbye, my little darling.
I'm a-gonna miss you.
Goodbye, Brett, honey.
Oh, I hate to see a cry in your eye.
Please, Brett, don't fret,
because you are my
When I'm near you
And I hear you speak my name
Softly in my ear
You breathe a flame
When we're dancing
Keep on glancing in your eyes
Oh, that music dies
All of my...
Well, here we are.
Helen, when you see this doctor,
ask him why
you're always getting laryngitis.
You've had it three times
in a matter of months.
You? What are you doing here?
Well, I guess it's all right this time.
Now, Morty, it's the medical building
in Beverly Hills.
Take Mrs. P. There, drop her,
go get the car washed,
pick her up and bring her
right back here, is that clear?
Yeah, I go to the medical building
in Beverly Hills, I drop off Mrs. P.,
then I take the car to haVe it washed,
then I pick her up and come back here.
- All right, so long, Helen.
- OK, yeah.
Mrs. P., the Beverly Hills,
and then I haVe the car washed,
and then I haVe a medicine man
fix the building.
That is a motion-picture
premiere of the year.
Three years ago, if you'll recall,
Paramutual Studios turned out three
of the top hits.
And one was The Tall Pain,
and that was a tremendous picture.
Then came Heaven Is Far
and, of course,
the one you'll never forget,
Hot Heat.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
and now, tonight,
of Paramutual's
biggest-of-all-time thriller, So?...
...starring Alba Kirk and Rock Pile.
Stepping out of his car
is the star of that jungle series,
Mr. Brent Wood, and his
loVely leading lady, Belle Flower.
Good evening. It's a pleasure
to haVe you with us this evening.
Oh, and, ladies and gentlemen,
stepping out of her car
is the biggest star to hit the Hollywood
heaVens since Baby LeRoy:
Serina! And maybe we can
get her to say hello to us
on this mike this evening.
Well, well, well, well, well.
Serina, you look your usual loVely self.
- Thank you, darling.
- Would you step oVer on this side
so the cameras can get a better
look at you? There you are.
- You certainly look your beautiful self.
- Thank you, darling.
- It's liVing a clean life, I guess.
- Serina, do you haVe the tickets?
I find early to bed, early to rise
makes you keep that adorable size.
If you... Well, you can certainly
say that again, Serina.
Thank you, darling.
I find early to bed, early to...
What I meant, Serina, was... I didn't
mean you could say it again, I meant...
FiVe minutes.
FiVe minutes.
FiVe minutes. FiVe minutes, please.
FiVe minutes. FiVe minutes, please.
- FiVe minutes.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
let me remind you that this is,
without a doubt,
the Very finest premiere
that we haVe had here in Hollywood.
As you know, Serina has only returned
to this country a short time ago,
and this will be her first
public appearance tonight.
While we are...
Darling, do you believe
what you're watching?
This is the worst piece of junk
and the lousiest performances.
Excitement really runs high
here tonight, folks.
We're just sorry all of you listeners
couldn't be here in person.
This is really Hollywood.
What a night.
And remember,
ladies and gentlemen, this telecast...
Come on, fellas, let's play cards.
... has been brought to you by the
motion-picture industry's best friend,
the Defunct Insurance Company
of America.
...bring you liVe, on-the-spot coVerage
of the most important happenings
in America,
such as the bridge championships,
the semi-pro soccer matches
and the annual botany show.
So until we see you folks again,
this is your on-the-spot reporter
bidding you all goodbye
and good insurance.
Oh, darling, a little fan
handed me this note.
"I hope you don't mind
my writing you,
"but when I first saw you in person,
"that was the day
my life was complete."
Here's the key, darling.
"My life was complete and fulfilled.
"And anybody would loVe
meeting a moVie star,
"especially one as loVely, as talented,
"as great, as warm, as talented..."
Make yourself a drink, darling.
I'm going to get into something
a little more...
It's a crazy!
- You sent for me, T. P?
- Yeah, come on in.
- Oh, Master of...
- Oh, shut up.
Come on, get oVer here.
And don't kiss my hand. Sit down.
- Not in my chair!
- No, sir, I'm sorry.
How about this little chair?
I'll sit right here.
Do you haVe any idea
how many complaints I've had
in regard to that Village idiot
errand boy of yours?
- Well, no, sir, but I think...
- You think!
With what?
When's the last time you paid
a Visit to that brain of yours?
You nitwit!
- But I...
- But you, my eye.
Do you realize that that? That...
That screw-loose
imitation of a human being has
disrupted this studio beyond control?
- I know!
- You know?
Not if you yell, I don't know.
And you let it continue?
Well, only insofar that I knew that he
was working out so well for us in...
In that other little matter.
Oh? Really?
- What has he come up with?
- Well.
I knew that you wanted everything
reported to you in a written statement,
and I was just right in the throes of...
Oh my, that's a loVely suit that you
haVe there, T. P... And, oh, that tie...
Yeah, I was right in the throes
of compiling the report
when you sent for me.
- Well, that's different.
- Different?
Now, you get that report to me
as soon as you can.
- Oh, soon as I can.
- I hope it's half as informatiVe
- as those complaints were.
- Yes, those complaints. Yeah.
Get my secretary. Miss Clay, please.
Miss Clay. Yeah! Miss Clay.
Say, find that errand boy.
This is Sneak, first, Miss Clay. Yeah!
Well, I'm at the commissaries.
Now, find that errand boy, that Morty,
and tell him I want to see him
in my office right now.
Where shall I look for him, sir?
Try the alcohol jars
at the studio infirmary.
But find him!
Hey, Carl. I'll get the hats and canes
and you get the dummies.
OK, Ralph.
How many did they
say they wanted?
I think they wanted three, is all.
OK, three it is.
Oh, thank you Very much
for getting me up.
I was stuck there the whole night.
What's that?
West Coast Ding-Dong school?
- The kids?
- Yeah.
No, they go to school here on the lot
when they're making pictures.
Yeah? How come?
Well, they've gotta put in so many
hours during the day on lessons.
- Oh, this must be recess, huh?
- Yeah, I guess so.
That's Very interesting.
I never knew that.
Come on, we only got
20 more minutes for lunch.
- No, you go ahead. I wanna watch.
- All right.
- Hi, men.
- Hi.
Would you like a few lessons
on the art of basketball?
Sure, are you gonna show us how?
Oh, sure, I'd show you.
Would you like me to show you?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
OK. My name's Morty.
You can call me that if you want to.
OK, Morty, giVe us a few lessons.
- I will. Almost through with the ball?
- Yeah.
OK, let's haVe it and step this way.
Get that, get it.
Right here. Here we go!
Oh. Get that. Hey!
The ball!
Keep your eye right on there.
Get the idea? It's all rhythm.
- Get the idea? Wanna try it?
- Yes, we do.
All right, go ahead.
- You did Very good, boys.
- Thank you.
I couldn't teach you too much,
because you're Very good, boys.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- You do this a lot, right?
- Yes.
- Yeah. Could I see the ball?
- Yeah.
- You smart alecks!
- GiVe us our ball!
Here, here, boys.
I couldn't help but see
what was going on.
Now, let me giVe you all
some adVice:
Let that kid haVe the ball.
What good is it gonna do
if you catch him?
It's only gonna lead to an argument,
and nothing ever gets
solVed by arguing.
Be kind and be sweet.
You'll find out as you grow older
that it's much better
to agree and to adhere to
all the rules that people set up.
- Mr. Durocher.
- Yes?
- Your call to New York is ready.
- Thank you Very much.
- Morty!
- Yes, sir.
Morty, I've got an itch
that's driVing me crazy.
- Will you scratch my back, please?
- Your back? Yeah.
I hope no one comes in.
We look so silly.
A little higher.
I hope no one comes in.
We look so silly.
Oh, higher on the scratching.
Little clown.
Little clown.
Hello. You're Morty, aren't you?
Well, yeah, how'd you know?
The little clown told me all about you.
Oh, yeah? Oh, he's a cute little fella.
I'm Magnolia.
I'm from the Deep South.
Are you?
- No kidding?
- No, really, I'm not kidding at all.
I'd haVe never known it.
- Really?
- I swear.
I'm only teasing.
I'm from New Jersey.
- Are you really?
- Yeah.
What? Whatever brought
you so far from your home?
Oh, well...
...I guess, for as long as I can
remember, I wanted to go to Hollywood
and see the moVie stars
and the studios
and all the people that made the
pictures and how they made them.
And I guess it wasn't uncommon
with me, like with a lot of other guys
my age that liked moVies.
So I saVed up some money,
and one day I got on a bus...
...and here I was, in Hollywood.
And so when I got here, I realized
I wasn't any closer to it
than when I was in New Jersey.
And, as you know,
when you're far away from something
and you can't get to it,
that's not quite half as bad
as when you're close to that
something and you can't get to it.
- Right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's right. I think it's right.
- Yeah.
So, I guess I was just
a little oVeranxious.
I was so delighted and happy about
working at a studio that I...
I promised them I would giVe
them the information they wanted.
And I can't do it.
I even flunked spy.
What a shame.
Well, that's not all.
From the first day that I got here,
I've done nothing but cause
everybody trouble.
I didn't mean to.
It's just that I've been so
delighted with working here,
that I didn't think half of the time.
I'm a gofer.
They tell me to go for this
and go for that.
And I can't go for this
or go for that even properly.
And the only reason, I guess, they
haVen't giVen me the ax is because
they probably figure I'm
gonna tell them a lot of things.
Well, I've taken up about
enough of your time.
I'm sorry that I've bent your
feathers so long, but...
Wait a minute.
- I just thought of something.
- What's that?
Well, I know I'm not terribly smart.
And a lot of people are saying that
maybe I lost a couple of my marbles,
but I ain't dumb.
And you don't haVe to haVe
a HarVard graduation certificate...
Although it would be good to haVe that
if you ever wanted to
work in Washington.
To know that...
...puppets can't talk.
Well, that depends.
Can you? Can you remember
when you were a little boy
and your parents took
you to a puppet show?
And how you'd think,
"Why, they're almost aliVe."
Or, " They made me
believe they're aliVe"?
Yeah, I remember that, I do.
Well, it isn't any different now.
Especially when you want to
believe what you see and hear.
So you see, Morty, you actually
liked the little clown enough
to take him at face Value.
You didn't stop to analyze him.
You just liked what you saw,
and you believed what you liked.
Yeah, I guess so.
- And you know something else?
- What?
- I believe you.
- Fine.
And I like you too.
I like liking you.
It makes me feel good...
...just liking someone.
...l've gotta really go now.
Maybe I'll come by
and see you again, huh?
- All right.
- Goodbye.
- Bye-bye.
- Say hello to the little clown for me.
- Oh, I will.
- Bye.
Oh, my darling.
Oh, my loVe.
My loVe.
My loVe.
And here's to a fond farewell,
my loVe.
For we shall never meet again... least in this world.
But if my prayers are answered...
...maybe we will meet... the world beyond.
Cut! And print that one.
LoVely. LoVely.
You were more magnificent than
I've ever seen you, Anastasia.
- Just brilliant. Brilliant.
- Thank you, Jason.
I thought it was rather tender.
Great. Just great, Anastasia.
But then, you always are, my dear.
- Splendid, Anastasia, splendid.
- Splendid, Anastasia.
Isn't it wonderful you could wrap
up the picture on your birthday?
- On your birthday too.
- Oh, T.P.
- It is your birthday, isn't it?
- It is your birthday?
- How did you find out?
- We haVe ways, Anastasia.
- Oh, yes, we haVe ways, Anasta...
- Don't we, Sneak?
- Yes, T.P., we haVe...
- Go fetch the champagne and hurry.
The present.
I'll get the present, T.P.
A little surprise, darling.
Bring this!
Turn the cameras,
keep them rolling.
Roll them.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...this is Anastasia Anastasia's
Happy birthday to you,
from... me and the crew.
Happy birthday, Anastasia.
Now, let's drink up that brew.
Thank you, T.P.
And thank you, all of you.
You're all so nice and wonderful.
I would like to make
a sincere and honest toast.
And here's to a fond farewell,
my loVe,
for we shall never again meet,
at least...
- But I...
- Anastasia, darling.
Never make a toast
with an empty glass.
Let me fill it, and then the toast.
Oh, why, of course.
How stupid of me.
Open that, will you, son?
Yes. Yes, ma'am.
Oh, no!
Oh, you crazy kid!
No! No!
What's going on here?
What's so funny?
Come on, tell me so I can laugh too.
It's absolutely the funniest thing
I've seen in my entire life.
What is? What's the funniest thing?
- What haVe you all been looking at?
- Your errand boy, that nutty kid, Morty.
That's the best comedy performance
I've seen on the screen in years.
From that errand boy?
That's right, a performance,
the likes of which I've never seen.
So our little New York
Method director,
that's the best thing he's ever seen?
Yes, Mr. Paramutual.
The likes of which I've never seen.
And just who are you?
Just who are you, one of those
"I've been making pictures
for 30 years" kind of guys?
That's not enough
of a criterion for me.
You could haVe been making
those pictures wrong.
Let me tell you something.
And it might be wise
for you to remember it.
Anyone in the world would giVe
anything to do a performance...
Because performing
is nothing more than
a form of expression.
But not everyone is capable of...
Of expressing themselVes
openly and freely.
And therefore, only a few,
only a Very few are chosen...
Chosen to communicate
and express for the millions that...
That either can't, don't know how
or would never get
the opportunity to do so.
And those few that are chosen
are called actors.
But they're still people.
And I might add, a...
A Very special kind of people.
Yes, Mr. Paramutual,
that was a performance.
And giVen by one who can
express what he feels,
whether it be dramatic or comic,
because he communicates.
Yes, he communicates.
And that's the Vitally important
substance that makes great stars.
With this kid, Mr. Paramutual,
you've not only got a potential
great star and comedy find...'ve got a gold mine.
- Oh, this is preposterous.
- Oh, it is, huh?
Well, you can thank your lucky stars
that he's working for you,
because right in the palm
of your hand, you got...
Right in the palm of your hand,
you haVe star material.
Someone who can
make people laugh.
Now that's a quality
that's difficult to define,
but nonetheless,
it's there on that screen.
And this kid will make you a fortune.
More money than even you'll know
what to do with, sir.
"Performance". "Star material".
"Gold mine".
Get that boy, Morty, here, will you?
Hurry up.
HaVe you forgotten, T. P?
You had him thrown
off the lot, remember?
Oh, Great White Idiot.
Yeah, yeah. All right, all right,
I'm an idiot.
But please, Sneak, go get that boy,
will you? We need that boy.
Get him yourself, bigmouth.
Yeah, I'm a bigmouth,
but let's get that boy,
I need him, awful bad.
Now, you know, I like him like a son.
Hello, Helen.
Hi, how are you?
Hi, Bob.
Saw your picture last night, Morty.
It was great.
Thank you, Stark.
- Babe. Woe.
- Babe. Woe.
- Sen. Tall.
- Sen. Tall.
- Babewoesentall.
- Baywumpenbum.
No, no, you didn't get it.
Hi. Hello.
Oh, good. You learned how to...
Very nice.
Oh, see you. Bye.
I mean, hello...
Hello, Helen, Lorraine. Portland.
Hi. Hi. Hello there.
Hi. LoVe you, loVe you.
LoVe you. Hi.
Well, I'll be a son of a gun.
What's that kid doing?
Hey, kid!
You're doing that all wrong.
I mean, I don't like to tell you your
business, but I started this way.
Let me just come up here a second,
I'll show you what it's...
Let me show you how to do this.
It's a Very difficult job,
unless you do it right.
Here, don't panic. Wait.
Hold it.
I used to do this.
I mean, that's how I started.
You don't mind if I help you
or show you?
Because you're getting it all
Very mixed-up.
You gotta do this with patience.
I'll watch whatever you show me.