The Funhouse Massacre (2015) Movie Script

Little late for visitors.
I apologize. I had an appointment
with Warden Kane hours ago.
Traffic was murderous.
You can have an appointment with me, darling.
Hello, Miss Quinn.
Uh, please,
excuse my guard's lack of manners.
Around these parts,
we don't get a lot of reporters
that look like... uh, please, come in.
We're already drawing enough heat down here.
And you want to go make things worse
by sexually harassing a journalist?
Once everybody knows about this place,
we'll probably all get shitcanned.
Who cares?
You boys okay?
Is there a problem?
Uh, no, no. No problem at all.
- I don't bite.
- Right. Yes.
Uh, well, uh...
Shall we get started?
Of course. Do you mind if I record this?
No, certainly not. Go right ahead.
I want everything to be by the book.
Uh, before we get started,
has anyone warned you about this place?
I don't scare easily, Mr. Kane.
But thank you for your concern.
Ah. Well, Miss, there are people here
that even God is afraid of.
I'm amazed you've been able
to keep a facility such as this
hidden for so long.
Well, most of the jobs
left this area years ago,
so there's not much reason for people
to venture down here any longer.
Although we do get the occasional
teenage devil worshippers,
but they're pretty easy to scare off.
On the record, why the secrecy?
Other facilities for
the criminally insane exist.
They don't hold people without trial.
What about their rights?
Well, if Gitmo can get away
with it, why shouldn't we?
These monsters, they're domestic terrorists.
As far as I'm concerned, they have no rights.
I mean, do you really believe
that out of the millions of
people in this country,
there aren't more than just
a handful of sickos, hmm?
I mean, Dahmer and Bundy and Gacy,
they're just the ones that got all the press.
Here, we house the ones
that you whisper about around the campfire.
So killing them.
Would that be the answer?
Off the record?
If I didn't have those
SOBs up in the state house
nosing around my business,
I'd put a bullet in each of their heads.
Welcome to no man's land, Miss Quinn.
This... This is what we call Supermax.
That is Jeffrey Ramseys.
Affectionately called Animal the Cannibal.
Probably heard the rumor of the famous chef
whose flank steak was to die for.
Turns out he was serving
customers to customers.
The, uh, scar,
it's from one meal who fought back.
His board of directors
from the restaurant chain
decided it might be bad for
business if people found out
he was literally serving people, so,
they arranged for Animal here to disappear.
Then there's Bradford Young.
Ladies nicknamed him Dr. Suave.
He was a dentist who believed that
not every tooth could be saved.
We'll get that toothache to stop.
Don't you worry.
Just relax. It's all gonna be fine.
That should do it.
No, no, no.
Who's this handsome fella?
Ah, that's Walter Harris,
A.K.A. The Taxidermist.
His specialty was birds.
The more exotic, the better.
You know, darling,
you're gonna make somebody a real nice wife.
He's a big boy.
Yes, he is.
Broke three of my guards arms, nearly
killed the only doctor we had out here.
They call him Rocco the Clown.
Was an underground wrestler
until he accidentally killed
one too many opponents in the ring.
They spun it that he was retiring
so he could go out undefeated.
Bye bye, Rocco.
And last but not least...
Manuel Dyer.
He prefers Manny the Prophet,
but since he's batshit crazy,
we just call him "Mental" Manny.
I've heard of him.
He's responsible for the largest
mass-suicide in history.
They tried to cover it up
as a giant building fire.
Oh, right a fire. A fire that not one
single resident attempted to escape.
We give ourselves to you, oh, Lord.
Ash to ash, we join you again.
Jesus came to me and said,
this is the way to sit beside God.
Burn away our sins, oh, Lord.
Are you all right?
I'm sorry.
Can we take a break from these awful men?
Of course.
Right this way.
You're such a gentleman.
I'm sorry, I just...
Got a little overwhelmed.
Well, that's an understandable response.
You shouldn't feel ashamed.
I'm just really hot in here.
Yes, uh...
Well, now that you have seen who...
what we host here,
do you really think it's wise to
divulge it to the entire world?
All the inmates in our system should
be accounted for, and treated fairly.
- They're still human beings.
- Human?
Have you seen anything in here
that's even remotely human?
It must be horrible working with such
depraved individuals.
Well, it's a dirty job
but someone has to do it.
You poor thing.
Miss Quinn, what, what...
I have this little fetish for
men in bow ties.
Ever since I was
a little girl.
You are quite the tease, Miss Quinn.
Oh, sugar, is it too...
Please, please, could somebody
help me in here?
Please, please!
You can't be in here.
I'm here for our appointment.
Here's the ball for baby. Nice and round.
Here's baby's hammer, how she likes to pound.
Pound, pound, pound!
- How's my little doll face?
- Never better.
Ah, the vic was found by the cleaning
staff about 30 minutes ago, Sheriff.
It's pretty gruesome in there,
just to warn you.
Here's what I think happened, okay?
There's two attackers, disguised
as room service, maybe.
They bust in, there's a scuffle here,
they're trying to rob her.
There's all this spilled wine.
She comes over here,
grabs the scissors to defend herself,
tries to stab one of them,
the other grabs the bottle,
cracks her over the head.
She falls on the ground dazed.
She's climbing and clawing
her way to the bed.
They're walking over her, laughing.
They pin her down.
The one takes the wine bottle,
one, two, crack, glass everywhere.
She's screaming, "Oh! My head is bleeding!
You're killing me!"
She falls on one of the shards of glass.
It lodges in her neck, and when she rolls,
it slits her throat, and she bleeds out.
That's how she died.
Please dismount the dead body, deputy.
Oh, yeah, um... Just...
You just contaminated the entire crime scene.
Also, are you actually holding
the potential murder weapon
without gloves?
Guess who's our prime suspect
when we run that for prints, now.
- May I?
- Yeah. Yeah.
There was only one attacker.
He or she was already in the room.
There's no sign of struggle or
forced entry at the door.
Also, there's no sign of anything
missing, so it's clearly not a robbery.
Our victim comes in to enjoy a glass of wine
when the attacker jumps out of the bathroom,
where he or she has been hiding,
hence why the door is ajar.
The attacker grabs the bottle of wine,
hits our girl over the head.
You were right there.
Our victim is dazed, she puts up a fight,
and the attacker slits her throat.
Right in the aorta.
- Or jugular.
- Yeah. Yeah, jugular.
Maybe it's a Halloween thing?
Maybe. Do you have a name?
Uh, no. Her ID was missing.
Did you check with the manager?
Yeah, yeah. He speaks a different
dialect than I'm used to,
but I'll give it another whirl.
I hate Halloween.
All right. Come on.
You're a grown up.
You've got this, Morgan. You're the man.
Start acting like one. Just ask her out.
Just ask her out.
It's no big deal. Huh? Right?
I mean if she says no...
You do work together. So it'll be
awkward every time you see her,
- but if she says yes...
- Yes! Yes!
If she says yes, then you date
for a while, and then she dumps you.
Stop, no. No, you're doing it again.
Don't stop! Don't stop!
Just, okay, look, you're a gentleman.
You're a gentleman. Go up to her.
- Just walk up and say...
- God, I love your tits!
Jesus, just walk up and say...
Lick them! Lick my tits! Lick my tits!
My God, okay.
Just walk up and say,
Laurie, I like you, and...
You make my dick so hard.
Okay. I can't do this.
Don't be jealous.
Storage closet? Really?
Yeah. Employees only, baby.
Your favorite customer awaits.
You know, you're going to
have to give it up sometime.
Why not him?
I bet he'd be gentle.
Maybe even cuddle after.
I am not a virgin.
I don't know why you would think that.
Laurie, my 13-year-old
cousin has the same costume.
And even she is more
sexually active than you are.
Well, I blame Tinder for that.
And who are you supposed to be?
I'm Sexy Hillary Clinton.
What? You're saying you
wouldn't vote for these in 2016?
Wow. Christina, I had no idea
you were so into politics.
The mashed potatoes are lukewarm.
The steak tastes like a charred, dirty boot.
And what the hell is it you're wearing?
I'm the Seventh Dr. Who.
- Dr. What?
- Dr. Who.
I'm asking you what is the doctor's name.
No, I know what you're
asking me, I'm trying to tell you.
Dr. Who.
Now you're just being a smart ass.
Oh, you know, I'll tell you what, Charlie,
I'm gonna take this back
to the kitchen, all right,
and we're going to make you, like,
a brand-spanking new one.
Okay? No more dirty boot.
I'm Machete, motherfucker.
Well, you look like Pedro from Napoleon
Dynamite, if he was into bondage.
And you, what are you?
Saturday Night Live's fever?
Wow, you intentionally
mess up that reference?
No, I'm dressed up as a real life superhero.
Me. Did you see that game last week?
Yeah, no, you're an
intramural football legend.
And what are you, gay Sherlock Holmes?
Peace offering.
I need a Charlie special.
There you go.
Jesus came back from the dead
quicker than this plate.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Do we really need five people
waiting on Charlie?
- No, we can let Jason do it.
- Shh.
Tonight is opening night
at the Macon County Funhouse,
a haunted attraction that
has caused some controversy
in recent weeks drawing
from local urban legends.
One maze is actually based on Manuel
Dyers mass suicide 10 years ago.
Is this in poor taste, or just
good old-fashioned spooky fun?
Either way, fun starts tonight at 9:00 P.M.
Back to you, Jack.
It's just a bunch of right-wing a-holes
trying to shut down our Halloween fun.
But if these are based on real crimes, those
people could have families around here.
What if the ghosts of the cult
are lurking in the halls?
- Oh, my God, we have to go.
- I'm in.
I'm taking the trash out.
Fine, we won't go.
Then you two can just
hang out together. Alone.
I'm down to hang out if you want to.
We can do that, we can hang out.
Just the... no, we don't have to.
It's not...
I didn't say no.
No, I know. I was just saying.
Like, in case you didn't want to.
I didn't want to assume or any...
Just... what? Forget it.
- I lost my boner.
- I'm gonna kill you.
At this rate, you won't
get a handsy until you're 87.
Yeah, and you're going to
have herpes for the 87th time.
Yeah, he has herpes.
You can only get it once.
I don't have herpes.
Come on, guys.
You hit me in the head
with a can of creamed corn.
Well, you snuck up behind me in the dark.
- What do you expect?
- Oh, come on.
It's all in the spirit of Hallow's Eve cheer.
Speaking of which, Gerardo's going
to take us to the fun house.
You guys should come with.
What? I can't fit everybody.
Uh, you drive a Ford Ranger, Gerardo.
Okay, it's the largest of the compact trucks.
Fine, if you can fit in the back.
I have to keep the inside clean for Rosalina.
Listen, we're in. We've just got
to get these two pussies to go.
I didn't say that I wouldn't.
- Oh, come on, guys.
- If you didn't want to go...
Guy, come on, it's not
like the funhouse is positioned
creepily in the middle of nowhere with
only a broken down asylum nearby.
Haunted by the ghosts of its
dead, deranged inmates.
What's there to be afraid of? Come on.
- Everything that you just said.
- Mm-hmm.
Let's go, come on!
Let's do it!
Will somebody bring me my check?
Everything set up like we planned?
Yes, Daddy.
Then let's give the boys a
tour of their new playground.
Maybe the news is right.
I mean, this whole thing
feels a little exploitative.
You think our customers are
gonna care that our theme
is too realistically violent?
That's like getting mad that porn
has too much real sex in it.
And that "bad press" is only helping us.
is twittering on the Tweezer.
Who cares if someone's feelings get hurt?
Tweezer is not a thing.
What about your electric fence?
I don't want any punk kids
trying to sneak in for free.
Pay, or don't play.
Oh, my God!
I see the animatronics work.
Hope you didn't shit your pants there, Walt.
You still got seven hours
on my clock, let's go.
Hey, that's some expensive shit.
I was done with it.
Fucking Dennis double booked us.
No! This is wrong!
Look at these portions!
I didn't run a goddamn Cheesecake Factory!
These aren't even taxidermist tools.
Sorry, friends.
I got a new flock now.
On the biggest night of my life,
and you guys are getting wacky
with the illegal paraphernalia.
Does this look like Colorado to you?
Do I look like John Freaking Denver?
You trying to get me arrested, guys?
Nobody's gonna get arrested.
It's basically legal everywhere.
Not in my workplace.
Not now, not ever.
Now listen, you guys better pull your shit...
Whoa! That's a hot mic. My apologies.
Listen! Handle this!
Uh... guys...
You should all get back to...
Aw, fuck it. Let me hit that thing.
My fellow maniacs, all we wanted was
for our grim art to be seen by the world.
But they shunned us, locked us away,
and now they have the gall
to profit off what they fear.
I don't know what Dennis told you,
but I'm the Stitchface Killer tonight.
And your make-up looks terrible.
I'm giving you a second
chance to go down in history
as the most deranged sons
and daughters of bitches
this world has ever seen.
No-one will ever forget our names.
We will be the fuel to
their nightmares forever.
I think I'm gonna put
you in the Heisman pose.
I wonder where that other ass clown went.
Oh, what the fuck!
So tonight we're going to play a little game.
What the hell do you think
you're doing, Daniel Day Lewis?
This P.A. system is for announcements
and emergencies only, not...
Hey, I didn't hire you.
Who the hell are you?
Well, you don't know me.
But I'm pretty sure you know her.
Hey, listen, man,
if you're her ex or something,
it didn't mean anything.
We were just fuckbuddies, okay?
That's not a very nice way
to talk about my daughter.
Your daugh...
Hey, uh... listen, pal,
I'm sure you're probably not
feeling good about the fact
that you couldn't keep her off the pole.
That girl's got issues, okay?
But this is a big night for me,
I built this place from the ground up.
- And I'll be goddamned...
- Your ego is astounding.
You think all this was your idea?
Damn straight.
My little Eileen and I have been
planning this for quite some time.
You were just a puppet, and she pulled
just the right strings to ensure
that you created the perfect
forum for our return.
Sadly, Pinocchio,
we no longer have any use for you.
I hope you like lawsuits.
'Cause I'm gonna sue the shit out of you.
Where was I?
Aw, yes. Daddy has lots of
presents for you tonight,
so, just like Christmas,
feel free to rip them open.
This girl used to kill
popular kids at school.
She used to stitch their eyeballs!
- She did!
- No, she didn't.
What was her name?
What was her name? You remember.
- Her name is Stitchface.
- There it is.
- My God!
- That's right.
My brother's best friend's sister's cousin
knew one of the kids that went missing.
There are so many degrees
of separation in that.
So Stitchface, she's up
in Statesville too, huh?
Some say there are
dozens of criminally insane
patients still up at Statesville.
- Randall and I have been there 100 times.
- It was like, two times.
And I'll tell you, it's more surveiled
than Morgan's internet history.
Okay, my cousin's Larry's
uncle's best friend...
You're such... shut up!
Okay, knew a guy who disappeared.
Oh, my God.
Well, I don't know about you guys, but so
far this traffic jam ride's pretty sweet.
- Yeah.
- Gerardo!
- Why are we not moving?
- Shut up!
I hate Halloween.
Because you always send us to
the same cheesy haunted houses.
Play the same 12 pop songs to the
same annoying pre-pubescents.
That's why we should get into podcasts.
Nobody listens to the radio anymore.
Why don't you partner
with my nephew, who's 10?
Come on, we're partners.
We're Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
We're as dead as they are on radio.
- Can I...
- Hi.
Help you two gents?
- Uh, I'm Bob.
- And I'm Dave.
We're Dr. Dave and Mr. Bob.
- Senor Bob.
- Whatever.
We're the DJs from WKDE, and we're
here to cover the opening.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You're the two guys from
that morning radio show.
Well, yeah. We used to be.
- About 15 years ago.
- 17.
Oh, yeah.
It's been a while since
I could listen to the radio.
Is that, uh...
Yeah, well, can't say I blame you.
I wouldn't listen to us
either if I didn't have to.
Yeah. Uh, amigo, you got a little, um...
flavor saver right...
Right there, yeah. Huh?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, no, don't...
No, don't do that.
Okay! Okay.
- Okay, you got it.
- Got it. You did it.
Uh, listen, uh...
I'll just tell my guys
to bring the trucks back to...
Back of the beard... back of the building.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
The stage is right in the center.
That's great.
- Super, thank you.
- All right.
- Bon appetit.
- All right. Nice guy.
Dr. Dave.
Oh. Free to the clergy.
Well, I don't know about
you, Bob, but it looks like
a killer scene tonight here
at the Macon County Funhouse
on the Land of Illusion stage.
That is right, Dr. Dave.
People are literally losing their
heads to get in here tonight.
It's crazy.
I hope you mean that figuratively, Bob.
Otherwise, I'm making a run for it.
I'll be right behind you.
Stand here, please. Thank you.
As I've always said, folks,
quit while you're ahead.
- Absolutely.
- While you have a head.
Perfectly said. Quit while you're giving...
No, we can't go there.
I've never been here but I don't like...
You'll not escape this park!
I'm totally Instagramming this.
We may need crowd control.
I haven't seen a line like this
since that Justin Bieber concert.
- Are you a Bieber fan?
- I'm not a Belieber, Bob.
- Okay.
- Not a Belieber.
You go first, Robbie.
I'm not scared.
Where's Robbie?
He's probably outside waiting for us.
The haunted hayride is the same thing.
Uh, don't forget, folks, you bring
six two liter bottles of Shasta,
- what do they get, Bob?
- You get $5 off the entry fee.
That's right, folks. Cashta for your Shasta.
You'll be saving an arm and a leg.
I tell you what, we're going
to take a little break here,
and we'll be back in a few minutes.
Keep on having a good time
there, Macon county.
That is not a good deal, Bob.
Getting off in 40 minutes.
Oh, where you going, Danny Lame-o?
This place is too scary for me.
Besides, only white people like this shit.
Hey, how are we gonna get home?
There are a lot of white people.
Jesus Christ.
Okay, please tell me that he licked
his lips at all of you, not just me?
We're in. We're in, baby!
Adorbs. Who's protecting you?
Why are you friends with her?
We work together.
Just such a cunt.
No way you live, no way.
Oh, got you, top hat.
Picked the wrong
sheriff's deputy to mess with.
Got you dead to rights, brown
jacket guy with weird hair.
Ooh, trick shot. Nobody can stop me.
I'm unstoppable.
Like Jesse James.
Macon County Sheriff's Office,
Deputy Doyle speaking.
They killed my friend!
There's blood everywhere, please help!
Yeah! Oh, yeah, Um...
Just, sorry, one second.
You called the right place. Um...
Please just try to remain calm.
Uh, police are coming. Where are you?
I'm at the Macon County Funhouse
Someone killed my friend!
Okay. Did you get a good look at the killer?
She looked like your mom last night!
What? That doesn't even make any sense.
That's what she said.
That makes even less sense
than what you just said.
This line is for emergencies only, okay?
I have called ID. If you call back,
your butt will be arrested.
I can trace you.
My butt? Who talks like that?
Who... The Law.
The Law is who talks like that.
Okay? I am the Law.
Not gonna let one bad apple sour my night.
No! Really?
I was on level 48.
Oh, dude, why do you think
we like this so much?
Uh, obviously it's the high
of fight or flight adrenalin...
Help me!
Why, what's happening?
Oh, they gotta cast some better actors,
because you suck, dude! You suck.
No! Oh, God, ah!
I don't want to go first,
I don't want to go first.
I don't want to go first, ah!
Stop it.
I feel like they're real.
I feel like they're going to jump out.
- Why are we in the front?
- I don't know.
- Oh, look at his...
- That's gross.
That's awful!
Come on, man.
I'm Vining this.
Help me! Help me, please!
Christina, come on!
Oh, oh!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That's amazing.
That's amazing, dude, did you see that?
Get some of that shit.
You're doing good.
- Go, go, go.
- No.
Sadly, this place is less depressing
than my actual high school.
Oh, God!
Oh, my God, this looks so real.
It's probably pig intestine.
It's what they use in Day of the Dead.
How do you know that?
Uh, I'll take weed and Wikipedia instead
of paying for college for 500, Mr. Trebek.
Get away! Get away from me!
- Jason, stop!
- I'm coming, I'm coming.
Oh, dude.
There's got to be something there, for sure.
Shit, that looks so real.
Her neck literally slit open.
That other one's fucking hot.
That was awesome!
Can you help me find a bathroom?
- Hell, yes.
- Wow, real subtle.
I'm sorry, was that too subtle
for your virgin ears?
We're gonna go fuck.
Go find a funnel cake or something.
Funnel cake. Uh-huh.
And then there were two.
Do you ring toss?
Well, not like professionally.
I don't think I know anyone
who does that professionally.
Oh, no?
My cousin's brother's sister knows a guy.
Oh, who's best friends
with the national champion...
Fresh security guard.
Sashimi grade.
Mami, I thought you said you
were getting off work soon.
I know, I'm ready for you.
You got more patients?
You know I'm going to be
your only patient tonight.
No, no, of course I'm ready.
No, I can't go to your place.
You know your cat hates me.
I'm also a little allergic
to cats, I told you.
Oh, I'm not allergic to that cat, baby.
In 30, 35 minutes?
Okay, fine, okay.
Tell me what to do.
No, the big one, the big one.
Was that girl hotter than me?
- Of course not.
- That's what I thought.
Hey, don't let that touch the ground.
I'm not gonna put that back on now.
Okay. Oh, yeah.
You hear something?
Of course I heard something.
We're in a haunted funhouse.
- Don't be silly.
- Sorry.
Oh, yeah! Oh, to the left.
Left, left, left. No, no, no, the right.
A little bit. Yeah.
Right there, right there, right there.
God! You suck at this.
Come here.
- Sorry!
- Oh, yeah.
Call me a superhero.
Superhero! Oh, yeah!
Oh, my God!
I got a cramp, I got a cramp.
Okay, yeah.
Call me Mr. President. Call me Mr. President.
Yeah, off the forehead.
Oh, come on.
Let me guess. Your friend's
been murdered at the funhouse.
They're coming after me now.
Wow, that was actually pretty realistic.
Why don't you freshen up?
I'll go get us a corn dog.
I think I've had enough meat for one night.
You want a beer, then?
Does it look like I drink beer?
Well, does it look like
they have skinny margaritas?
Do you think they've ever
had sex in a non-public place?
Nope. They're shameless.
But I get sometimes how
the danger element can be fun.
Don't you think?
No. No, I get nervous peeing at the diner.
So, um...
Have you ever had sex in a public place?
- Maybe.
- Yeah?
But I usually save
the sex talk for the third date.
Finally got one.
So, which date is this?
I'm sorry, what?
I was just saying that it's your turn.
...just like all my favorite stuff.
Um, what about liquid nitrogen?
Walt Disney, the T-1000, and, uh, semen.
That's the weirdest
conversation I've ever heard.
- Hey.
- Here he is.
That was fast.
That's what your mom said last night.
Not a good thing, if she said that.
It was a good thing when she said it
to me, because I was still inside.
Oh, double down the mom joke.
You never stop.
I won't stop. Not until she tells me to stop.
- There's a hat trick.
- I'm hitting it right.
Oh, come on, guys.
Someone takes their job
a little too seriously.
What are you gonna do? Cut me with that?
Okay, isn't this a timeout
zone for the freak show?
Crazy bitch!
You cut my face!
She should be here by now.
Maybe she got lost.
This place is literally a maze.
Yeah, you guys are right.
We should definitely split up
and go look for her.
Yeah, especially if there's
some candy apples on the way.
It's like babysitting toddlers.
Who are always stoned.
You'll pay for my face!
This is Sam Myers. I received a
call from your deputy, Doyle
about one of my reporters, Jessica Quinn.
Yes, do you happen to
know why she was in town?
She's a freelancer, I
really don't know anything
until the story's on my desk.
But before she left she mentioned something
about an old asylum near your town.
Is everything okay?
Thank you for your help. Be in touch.
You've reached the voice-mail
of Deputy William Doyle.
Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.
That was me.
Is that Christina?
- Christina!
- Jason, wait up!
Guys? Guys?
Where the fuck are you guys?
Oh, shit.
Okay, guys, we already split up twice.
Third time is not a charm!
- Laurie!
- Come on!
Where are you? Christina?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Christina! Christina, baby!
Christina, baby!
What the fuck is going on here?
Oh, my God!
- Fucking...
- No, no, no!
We have to get out of here!
No talking in class.
We have to get out of here!
Hey! Hey, guys.
Where have you guys been?
- Um, we've been...
- Looking for Christina.
- No, no, no!
- Jason, Jason, Jason!
- Jason!
- Whoa, man, what's the matter?
It's not funny, you guys. This is all real.
- People are dying!
- It's locked!
- They locked us in!
- Oh, come on. What?
We can't get out. They locked us in.
Now would be a good time to run.
I always thought a fear of clowns was
just subverting what used
to be a happy childhood memory.
Although this clown is pretty scar...
- Randall!
- Wow.
This town was a paradise
before you brought in
all your dugs and hook-whores...
prostitutes and violence.
You scum make me sick, you know that?
Hi. Just, uh... You scared
the bejeesus out of me.
Why aren't you answering your phone?
Uh, had a coffee accident.
Why is the station line off the hook?
Yeah, sorry about that.
It was just a bunch of prank callers
from the funhouse messing with me.
Gear up. We're going to Statesville.
The asylum?
We're going on a mission. It's go time.
This is so cool.
All right, right behind you, sheriff.
Do you have an extra set of keys?
Mikey, hurry!
Wait, wait, wait! It's Mikey!
- Wait, Laurie!
- Come on.
Come on!
What the fuck!
Go, go, go!
They've locked the gate!
- Climb it!
- No, it's electric, it's electric!
- Go under!
- Oh, God!
Laurie, go under!
- Shit!
- Come on! Laurie!
Get off my friend!
No! Jason!
Just go!
- Morgan, go get help!
- Laurie!
Are you okay?
Are you dead?
Holy fuck.
Sheriff's department. Anybody here?
Are you hoping the killer answers us?
I thought that's what we're supposed to say.
He's dead. He's definitely dead.
Oh, okay. I'll follow you.
Go on without me, it's okay.
What kind of shoes are you wearing?
Dispatch, I need immediate
backup and forensics
- to my location, now.
- What's going on?
What were you saying about
the kids and those prank calls?
Just that their friends were being
murdered at the Funhouse, why?
What, what?
Oh, crapola.
I hate nature. I hate nature.
Woo! I'm saved!
Stop, or I'll shoot!
Wait, what?
What the fuck?
Hands where I can see them!
I can't raise my right arm
because you just shot it!
Did I say take the shot?
I'm sorry, there was a lot going on.
I don't remember, honestly.
I take it you're not one of the bad guys.
The bad... oh, you mean
the deranged serial killers
who are pretending to be haunted house
characters and killing everybody?
No, I just came from there.
I didn't know it was more dangerous out here.
- May I?
- Yes.
I'm terribly sorry, sir.
In my defense, I yelled at you
from the cop car, but you just...
kept running at me.
I don't have a weapon.
You're threatened by my
awkward running skills?
You barely grazed him.
Now, you said killers, with an "s".
How many are we talking about?
Yeah, I don't know.
It was like, five or six, I think.
We have to go in there.
Okay, time out. Quick headcount here.
You me and this kid are going to go
take on five or six serial killers?
With no backup?
I thought you could use some help.
After all, Machete does the cutting.
I'm confused. Is that the real Machete?
I've never seen the films.
They're too violent for me.
It's okay.
That's it, that's it.
I bet you've got great teeth.
No! No!
Your bicuspids...
Somebody must be a teeth grinder, huh?
One patient at a time!
Get off of me! Get off of me!
Hey, Doc?
I always hated going to the dentist.
Come on. Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Come on.
I got you.
Wowsa, sure glad we get to watch the mayhem
from the safety of our booth, Bob.
Well, yowza, Dr. Dave,
I wouldn't be too sure,
because here comes one
of those maniacs right now.
And I got to tell you folks,
these guys take their jobs
real, uh, seriously.
I am kind of freaked out
by weirdo Jesus here.
You should be.
Uh-oh, folks. Looks like
Bob just got murdered.
It's about time. Bob?
Okay, joke's over, you got me.
You know what I hate more than...
stupid people?
- Velcro? Democrats?
- Fucking radio DJs.
- We're live on the air.
- Fuck! I'm sorry.
What's wrong with you, bozo?
Pretty much everything.
Hello, boys and ghouls.
We've come to a very special
portion of the evening.
You having a good time?
These games look so fun.
I'm not going to play them now
with all these dead people.
That would be in poor taste.
If you say one more thing,
I will shoot you myself.
All right, come on.
You're gonna be okay.
Why did you do that?
Are you crazy? Do you know
what's happening out there?
Yeah, I'm taking nutshots from a bumblebee.
Okay, come on, you have to help me.
What the hell happened to him?
You don't want to know.
I am amazed at how desensitized you all are.
You have been lapping up gore
like a ride at Disneyland.
You truly are sick individuals.
But the thing is, it's all been real.
It's all been real.
We really are killing people
and we have been all evening.
You don't believe me.
You don't believe me?
He's alive?
Relax, Catherine. It's only death.
I think it's time for our final act.
Make it a good one, boys!
Move! Move!
You guys collect as many people as you
can and get them the hell out of here.
What are you gonna...
Okay, uh, guess it's just us three amigos.
That's because it's three of us.
Not because I'm racist.
I have a lot of Mexican friends.
A couple blacks.
Let's go.
Hey! I don't do take out!
Hey, man, what the hell? Get off of me!
I can't walk anymore.
Okay. You're gonna be okay.
He literally can't walk.
He's gonna get us killed.
He can hear you.
Hey, man, I'm getting the fuck out of here.
You look nice today, Mom.
Oh, Laurie, please be okay.
Hurry, hurry!
Head towards the main road,
help's on the way. Go! Move!
Move! It's okay.
Whoa, okay.
No way you live. No way.
Oh, shoot. Okay, yeah.
Oh, come on!
Oh, fiddlesticks.
You are so bad at this.
Holy shit!
Holy shit!
Oh, oh, not dead! Not dead!
Still alive! Still alive!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Um, he was a friend.
The maniacs got him.
I just wanted to dress him properly.
I know this looks bad, but...
They gave me inferior tools.
You can shoot him.
There was so much more blood than I expected.
I've never shot a man.
All right, get it out.
Okay, uh, just give me a minute.
I got this, uh...
Standby for a plan.
Okay, there are plenty of people out there
right now that still need our help.
We can selfishly try and save ourselves,
or we fight back.
That, uh, took the words
right out of my mouth.
That's exactly what I was gonna say.
So, what psychos do we have left?
Well, there's Creepy Clown Dude.
Psycho Stitch-bitch. Tubby chef.
Yeah, and Jesus Manson.
Okay, Bumblebee, you go gather
a group and go after Stitchgirl.
Machete and Dr. Who go after Tubby Chef.
And I'll take Creepy Jesus.
What about Scary Clown Dude?
Just hope none of us run into him?
- Yeah, that sounds good.
- Yeah.
- That's a good plan.
- Great. All right.
- Laurie?
- Yeah?
I'd really love that third
date so let's try not to,
you know, die, okay?
I guess that's us.
Let's go.
Third date.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
I can't believe how many of you
allowed us to kill you tonight.
We finally have a challenger.
Don't worry, sweetheart, the gun
pointed at my head is purely for show.
This young lady and I go way back.
She's just a bit irked about her mother.
I've got her.
I knew it was gonna be me.
Are you using me as a human shield?
Absolutely not.
Don't move!
I thought we'd lost you in the fire.
Turn around.
Turn around.
Look at you.
You're so beautiful.
It's uncanny.
You look so much like your mother.
Relax, Dad.
It's only death.
You want a cook-off, bitch?
Think fast, fry cook.
Why the fuck is that on?
No! No!
Son of a bitch.
You got this, Doyle. You got this.
Hey there, big guy.
You know, I've been thinking. You and I,
we got off on the wrong foot completely.
I shot at you first.
That, that's on me, you know?
And, honestly, for someone who would wear
another person's face
on top of their own face,
you seem like a fairly
reasonable, human thing.
So why don't you just
stop swinging the hammer,
put it down and you and I can talk about it?
Man to giant man.
Or not.
Wyatt Earp, mother...
Hey, Stichbitch.
Now we all have fun toys.
Let's play.
Let's have a family reunion...
in Hell.
Whoa, no, no, no, no!
Don't shoot! It's me, Doyle.
You guys, I cannot believe that we survived.
What are the odds?
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Get down!
Shoot him you fucking idiots!
What the fuck?
We got one more for ya.
All right, hurry up, bring her in.