The Gamers: Dorkness Rising (2008) Movie Script
1
Turn!
Nodwick.
Stay here until we return!
Aye, my Lord
Mort Kemnon!
Uninvited guests...
Your reign of terror ends here!
By the light of Therin you shall fall!
What good is the light of your goddess?
She can not help you...
...here.
No...
We're...
...doomed.
Fastidian!
This does not end here!
Yes it does...for you.
Craaaaap!!
Was there a reason you didn't turn those ghouls?
Since that would've helped us...not die?
Guys...
Maybe you should have detected the trap, Cass. Green Mouse would be proud.
That was an AMBUSH, not a TRAP.
Even you should know the difference.
Oh by the way...way to defend the cleric there, Conan.
You lived..oh what...six seconds?
Real smart giving them clear path to the healer.
Look! Guys...
I didn't see you helping!
In fact, I saw you dying like a whiny little peasant!
Maybe I was dying...
...because our battle-dealer wasn't doing his job!
How am I supposed to kill everything in the room when I get flanked?
You are supposed to keep people of my ass
And you are supposed to keep healing me!
Which brings me to my lack of powers which I didn't have after I lost them!
Did I mention losing my powers?
GUYS!
And if he hadn't cut you off we totally would have had him
Yeah....I didn't even know it was possible cutting of a cleric of his god.
It's not....not in the core rules it isn't
It does fit the story!
It doesn't fit the rules!
Story trums rules!
Again with this argument...
Boss...we're down to our last copy of "Pizza Tattoo"
And of course I can't expect you
to know where we keep our products seeing as how you work for me
Argue on!!
What would you rather have?
A fantasy world with its own mysteries and pitfalls
...or...just another cookie cutter setting with no real surprises?
You should have told us that in your world the cleric could be cut off of his god!
Why should I told you that?
Gary... would you have played a cleric if you've known it's allowed to shut him down?
Hell no!
That's player knowledge, not character knowledge!
You know but your character wouldn't
That is so cheap! Cheap cheap cheap!
It is not cool to let a character advance that far and pull something that huge on him!
It was supposed to be a nasty surprise!
Something you weren't expecting
And because it was so unexpected the party died!
This is what happend when you mess with the rules!
What were you thinking?
Maybe....that it would force you to ROLE-PLAY!
What do you think we were doing??
Guys... come on!
Same time next week?
I'm good!
The new expansion for "Samurai Baseball" comes out next friday
Looks very cool....you strike out you commit sapaku
No...we play this very game..
The same campaign?
We played it twice already?
You guys wanna do my campaign again?
No.
I have a reputation? There is no game on this shelves that can beat me!
So what kind of gamer would I be if I let some unpublished mod give the best of us?
Thanks, Cass. That's real...thoughful.
Hey, Mitch...
Hey...
Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick?
God...I don't know why that keeps happening?
Listen! We need two more players!
Dude.. I've got work in the morning!
No! Dick! For your campaign.
It's why we keep dying. We need a more well-rounded party.
Listen...it's only so much damaged three mad hombres can do, right?
Oh Cesar...didn't see that one coming did you?
Are you guys still gaming?
We're playing TimeValentin.
We need to go back through time and beat the crap out of historical figures
I totally butchered Abraham Lincoln.
Don't you have class in the morning?
Yeah. In like five hours? Why?
Take that Jesus!
Hey I gotta go...it's almost my turn
Take that Jesus!
Hey I gotta go...it's almost my turn
Who is the messiah now?
I'm never going to finish this freaking module!
Party died again?
They never try anything new and then they blame me when they die
Ungrateful munchkins!
I'm really kind of pissed off!
And that has nothing to do with your writers block?
I do not have writers block!
I know exactly how the story ends.
I just don't know how to get there.
Obviously neither do your players.
How am I supposed to finish a modules based on a adventure
...if we never finish the adventure?
Just run them through until they win...or your heads explodes.
We're gonna start all over again once we have a few new players
Mark.
Mark, why don't you join?
You used to game all the time in College!
I haven't gamed since the "incident"
Total party wipeout?
Like you couldn't even imagine.
Hey Cass.
Lodge.
Mark, I haven't seen you in a long time.
It's like I forgot you even exist.
Yeah...I get that a lot.
Ah... found one of the newbies!
Oh, do I know him?
Her.
Joanna keeps bugging me to get he involved..
..so I figured we make her a fighter. It's easy enough to play.
Joanna? Your ex Joanna?
She will be joining us?
Yes...finally!
What's wrong, Lodge?
Never played with a girl before?
See you scrubs tomorrow
Apparently we're leaving..
See you at Leo's...
..I'll try not to slow things down to much
Ohh... ehh... wait
Here. Player's Handbook. It's got all the rules. Everything you need to know.
Thanks, Kevin. I'll look it over
Who the hell is Kevin?
I am Kevin.
You have a first name?
Alright...what have you got?
Half-breed
Kicking down the door..
Hey...alright that's everybody
Where is player number five?
There is no fifth player.
You said you're gonna get us another player, Lodge.
I asked 15 people..
..all regulars. Apparently we have a reputation!
What did I tell you? You make one eleven year old cry and they stop bugging you.
We still need another player!
I have taken care of it
Now...this is a mid-level campaign so we're starting at ninth level.
Here's Joanna's character.
What are you doing?
I made a character for you.
I wanna play my own character.
I know...that's why I made you one.
You think I can't make my own character?
Look...it's nothing personal.
You are going to be a fighter; there are some requirements you have to meet.
Like what?
A fighter has to be the strongest guy in the party.
Has to have a high armor class..
...and hitpoints out of the ass.
And that is what I made for you.
Let me see that!
Bikini mail?
Mmm...
What the hell is bikini mail?
Only the best armor you're allowed to wear.
There's a picture of it right here.
That looks like a ......
She fights with a broadsword?
"broad" sword
I get it. Kevin help me out here.
Kevin?
Wait..., your name is Kevin?
You have a first name?
Guys, if Joanna made a character she's gets to play it.
I agree with you on principle.. Kevin...
But she is new and I don't want her to die because she is inexperienced.
What makes you think that I'm gonna die?
History.
New guy always dies.
That is so true...
Hey you remember that one time those halfling pirates made him...
Shut up
Or the time that those gnome shopkeepers ambushed...
Shut up!
Or that asthmathic six year old princess...
SHUT UP!!
I flipped through that handbook....I got the jist of it...it doesn't seem that hard.
Okay....let's see your character then.
What's your strength bonus?
She doesn't have one.
Her highest stat is her intelligence
I've put other bonuses in dexterity and charisma.
Charisma?
WIIIIIIIIIII...
No strength bonus...
No constitution bonus...
How many hitpoints does she have?
Ah..let me see...45.
Ah...
45 hp.
A 9th level fighter with 45 hitpoints.
She's really gonna protect the party.
I put her other feats in speed and precision.
That's why intelligence is more important than strenght.
It would be if you were a wizard. But you're not.
You're a fighter....a fighter with a giant "kill me" sign on her back.
With her charisma she should be able to talk her way out of most fights.
What? Negotiation isn't your style?
Not exactly, no.
Our phylosophy is: "beat it until it stops moving"
...and then shoot it...
...and then step on its cadaver.
Calm down, Gary.
If you play this character you are going to die.
I spent 2 hours on this character and I'm gonna play her, okay?
Ok.
Ok.
And when you die you can play bikini babe.
Fine.
Why did you two break up again?
Gary! Character?
I'm a wild mage. WILD!!
But you loser can call me sorceress.
Yes, that's right. I'm playing a chic!
Dude, you're hot?
17 Charisma
Wanna have sex?
Totally.
Awesome! I seduce him....her.
Yes! I can totally seduce any homophobe with that roll.
We haven't started yet!
You guys haven't met.
Alright
Bone me later.
I'll be waiting, man meat.
After we've started please..
Leo, I assume you are playing a fighter again?
Actually I'm going as bard.
Really? That is....bit of a jump for you. You only played fighters before.
How different can they be?
I'm playing a monk.
What's he gonna do? Copy manuscripts?
Think "Kung Fu Monk", grasshopper.
Oh, that doesn't seem to fit, does it?
No, it doesn't
I told you guys that there are no monks in my world.
And I told you that if we're playing by 3rd edition rules I can play any
basic character class.....and monk....
...is a basic character class.
I based my world on a fantasized western medieval period
There were no "kung fu monks" in western europe.
If Joanna can play a character that she wants,
I can play any character that I want.
I'm asking to play a basic character class
...and you're blocking me.
You're breaking the rules...again.
I play a monk or I don't play.
And they don't play.
- I play. - No, you don't!
Yes, I do.
Fine. You can play a monk. But he's got to fit the world.
He has got to be a western monk...
...occidental.
- You think you can handle that? - Of course.
Good
- You think you can handle that? - Of course.
Good
Now is there anything else?
- No, that's it. - Alright.
Oh, I'm also playing an elf.
What? No, you're not.
Yeah, yeah thats right.
I told you guys that this is an all human campaign.
There are no elves in my world.
And I told you that "elf" is a basic character race and...
..and since we're playing by the rules..
ADVENTURE STARTING! ADVENTURE.
We begin in the throne room where three of you have answered
the summons to the king.
His royal majesty "Erasmus, the randomly bias"
There is a great evil in our land
The vile necromancer, Mort Kemnon.
Daily his power grows stronger
and yet it appears that our goddess has forsaken us
...for she answers not our prayers.
Now can I seduce her?
In the middle of the throne room?
Why not? We started!
Mort Kemnon has discovered an evil artifact.
A cursed item known as the "Mask of Death".
Find him and kill him!
Bring me this mask...
so that its evil may not spread across our land.
Flofenrest...
...the staff!
I present to you this "Staff of Ressurection".
If one of your party should fall during the quest..
...it need not be their end.
Go forth noble heroes.
May Therin light your way.
Go forth noble heroes.
May Therin light your way.
The city is near to bursting with a flood of refugees.
You hear mutters of Mort Kemnon as they shuffle toward the safety of the castle.
Corn, sellery, oranges...
Fresh bread..
Onions.
Cabbages...the finest cabbages in the land.
I wanna talk to the farmer.
Why?
Well...if he is from out of town he might be able to tell us where the evil wizard is.
That's a great idea...
Thanks!
...for that it sucks.
There is no way that he knows where he is.
Why not?
He's a random NPC.
And as we all now my NPCs are "cardboard cut outs".
NPC?
Non player character.
Oh, right.
Which of course I'm supposed to know.
Don't worry, we don't need anything from him. We know where we're going.
No, you don't!
We've done the adventure twice before...
...we need to go to the mountains.
Your characters don't know where to go.
Are you saying that there's not an adventure hook in the...
Yes.
No, it's beside the point.
And the point? He's beside the mountains...off we go.
I still wanna talk to him. It's what my character would do.
How long have you been in town my friend?
Oh...scarcly a day, my lady.
There are goblins in the mountains you should know.
Boring!
Have you heard anything....strange in your travels?
Rumors about where Mort Kemnon might be?
I believe the adventure is that way!
Aye...those mountains look quest-worthy.
The sooner you tell me what you know...
...the sooner you can safely return to your land.
Well..it may be nothing but I heard that things were not right in...
Ahhhhhhhhh!
What the hell did you just cast?
Flaming hand of fiery doom!
On a farmer?
You cast a 4th level spell on a 0th level peasant?
Yeah!
Waffles!!
Totally!
That spell is for killing demons.
I'm lawful good. Am I morally obliged to kill him?
What the hell were you thinking?
I was just trying to get on with the story.
How are we supposed to trust you?
We've just met and the first thing you do..after boinking a stranger...
...in the presence of the king...is to murder a peasant because you were bored??
I'm chaotic neutral! I'm just playing my alignment.
......That was a decidedly evil act.
You know I think I am morally oblieged to kill him now.
One more of those and I'm shifting your alignment to chaotic evil.
Got it?
Got it!
How much experience do I get for the farmer?
Gary? Are you forgetting something?
Oh...you got some peasant on your face.
Like what?
Hail...Flynn the fine.
Hail, random creepy knife guy.
Dumbass...bardic knowledge?
Oh, right... you are totally...
The lord high inquisitor.
Lord high inquisitor.
Of the grand illuminated holy order of Therin
....what he said
Hail!
The hierophant begs an audience.
Listen...if this is about that farmer..
...I totally thought he was a demon.
Follow us!
No, no...seriously...
He was talking about..like there was a hellgate in one of those things.
Seriously...I know it was in here somewhere. He had the horns and the fangs...
and then he said he was going to pee fire on us.
I had no choice...I didn't think...it was like this...
And I'm pretty sure he was eating a baby...
It was pretty awful...
Wooow... ehhh... we should take these.
The inquisitor leads you into the heart of the cathedral
...where the grand hierophant of Therin himself awaits you.
I gotta thank you for meeting with us..
...before you continue your journey.
It is our honor, your grace.
What is that?
The heart of Therin.
Legend says the gem is composed of solid light.
Could I steal it?
Well...considering that it's one of the holyiest symbols of the church
..and that the cathedral is swarming with paladins that would most likely be suicide.
Go ahead!
What is that heavenly music?
The hymnth of Therin...it calls to our goddess.
I seduce the priestess!
She's taken a vow of celibacy.
Dude...20 ranks in seduction!
Hey baby...wanna tune my mandoline?
Please understand...the horny bard does not represent us.
There are those who say that Therin has abandoned us in this dark time.
Rest assured she watches us always.
Nevertheless, we shall send two of our own order to ensure your safety.
Brother Silence, a most stubborn monk...who's NOT an elf.
And Sir Osric the Chased, our most noble paladin.
Oh great...a babysitter.
You have got to be kidding me.
Lodge, you are such a douche.
Sir Osric will assure that you never stray the paths of goodness and law.
You strike out for the mountains.
The road winds high through the foothills
and after a day you've reached the foot of the pass.
At the edge of a thick forest a sign catches your eye.
After a few hours you come to a clearing in the pass.
In the middle stands a twisted goblin totem.
Perhaps we could sneak around?
Not a chance...it's a trap.
Not nece...
Not necessarily.
It's always a trap.
Doubtless, the goblins are merely waiting for an excuse
What are you doing?
Where did you get that tomato?
Hello? I'm a bard.
I got your "gaga".
Is this wise?
Are you trying to kill us?
You know...I believe this is a totem to a goblin god.
Oh really? What kind of god?
A god of the moon, I believe.
A god of the moon you say?
Indeed, I do.
Well, how do you worship a god of the moon?
Ah, with my cute little tuschi.
They're so angry.
Oh, I wonder why. We only farted on god.
Perhaps we can negotiate?
Don't worry! I got it.
I totally pacify them with bardic music.
# Dear goblin friends# Dear goblin friends #
# Please hear my song #
Yeah....
...you're dead.
In 29 minutes and 42 seconds.
New personal best, Leo.
There's so many place I can stick that stuff on you...
Alright, everybody roll "inish".
Initiative.
Oh, right. To see who goes first.
I roll one of these thingis and add my dex bonus plus 4.
No, just your dex bonus.
No, I also get +4. That's what "improved initiative" does, right?
Who takes improved initiative?
Ok, order...
Joanna, Cass, Gary, Osric, then goblins.
What about me?
You're dead.
Ok... so I take one of these and add my attack bonus and....
You get another attack.
I do??
You took first strike. When you go first and drop an opponent you immediately get another attack.
Cool
Criticial!
I get another attack.
Expanded critical, critical momentum and precise strike.
You see, I add my INT and DEX bonuses to my crit range
...and I get an extra attack every time I land a critical hit.
What's your critical range?
Let's see...13 to 20, without bonuses.
Holy Craping Christ!
Critical!
Critical!
Five foot step.
Critical!
Cass, you're up.
Gary.
Lightning bolt.
That will go off in 2 rounds.
What? Why?
Wild magic, Sex bomb.
Flinn pulls Elazarus.
and... goblins.
The goblins surround Daphne.
Joanna?
Hold my action.
Cass...
Move to assist Daphne...
...twice
I'm here to protect you.
My hero.
Now?
No, Gary.
Osric uses the staff on Flinn.
# Sing it! Give it to me...all you can...
# 'cause you're all dead....that's right!
That's who takes improved initiative.
Yeah...but can you...(???)
Oh, and your spell goes off.
Crap!
So.....how much experience do I get for the bard?
After the battle in goblins pass...
...you resurrect Flinn yet again and press through the mountains.
Night has fallen by the time you reach the tiny village on the other side of the range.
Is the barmaid hot?
Yes....must you?
Yes, I must...
I wanna seduce her next.
Hey baby! My spells require some magic components.
Dude...you're a chick!
Oh...right
How embarrasing.
We should not draw attention to ourselves
Agreed. We should mute our presents. We don't know how might be watching.
Indeed! Only in hiding ones identity..
...can one truly be known.
I'm sorry. There is no rooms for you tonight.
Nonsense! Your inn is empty. There is plenty of room for us.
The room is not a problem, truthfully. The problem -
Truthfully....you are not welcome here!!
Mort Agrippa!
You are most certainly not welcome here!
Introduction would seem in order.
I am the governer of this town...
...and you are trespassing on these lands!
These lands belong to the king.
These lands belong to MY king!
Mort Kemnon.
Yes! And soon you will serve him as I do!
Beyond the veil of death!
Gary, you're held. Leo you're in.
Fear not! I have returned.
Dash it old man. Help us!
I am!
Turn!
Is that the one that kicked me in the face?
Yeah. Why?
Just asking.
I am Mort Agrippa.
You see...I control Zombie-Ninjas.
Are they "Zinjas"?\ Are they "Nombis"?
I don't know.
Mort Agrippa ain't going nowhere.
Oh... monks you have a problem with but... hey...ninjas are ok.
Tell us where Mort Kemnon is!
Do your worst! Kill me if you must! I will never tell.
Gosch... we'll have to torture him.
Oh... dark!
You'll have to think of something else...
Torture is dishonorable. Osric won't allow it.
God, I love paladins!
Can't you just step outside for a while?
Actually no. Paladins can't let evil things happen if they know about them.
It's his alignment.
Yeah, they're lawful stupid.
I'll distract him. I'll tell him that there's a ninja outside.
I seriously doubt he will fall for that.
Normally the dice decide that sort of thing.
Look Sir Osric, an evil-do'er outside.
What?
Show yourself, villain! Thou can not escape my justice!
Come forward so that I may smite thy with my mighty blade!
The truth shall descend upon thy wickedness as an angel of righteous fury!
Deceivers! This ends now!
He's over there!
Thou shall die a thousand deaths shadow spawn!
I shall lay down my justice upon thy lonesome brow
Thou shall die a thousand deaths shadow spawn!
I shall lay down my justice upon thy lonesome brow
What happened here?
Ehh... funny story...
...strangest thing! Eh...he...
...he tripped .. and on the way down beat himself to death.
Yes.
Did he say where Mort Kemnon was?
Not as such...no..
Did you find that evil-do'er?
He escaped.
My shame knows no bounds.
Yeah...you suck!
Flinn, what did the barmaid say?
Oh, yes...oh yes.
Oh, gods....yes!
About Mort Kemnon, dumbass.
The barmaid says Mort Agrippa came from West Haven.
Following her advice you abandon the inn and take the road to the east.
You put some good miles between yourself and the town
.. before you camp for the night a few miles outside of West Haven.
Hi.
You know...you're unlike any other woman I've ever met.
Right back at you...
So fast...so strong. Like steel wrapped in silk.
A man could loose himself in those eyes...
A man could, yes. But apparently I must remind you that you are a woman.
Of course I am...
I don't supposed you're interested in a little girl on girl a---
You don't really wanna finish that thought, do you?
I'll take that as a "no".
Good girl.
Tell me minstrel....what do you know of this Mort Kemnon?
He is a servant of death. An enemy of the light.
And that is all I can tell you.
And...the mask of death?
The god of oblivion wore the mask when..
...the creator forged the world.
It is said that whoever wears the mask gains the power of the god he serves.
Then Mort Kemnon has all the powers of death?
How could Therin allow this?
Maybe beyond her control.
Before we left the Hierophant told us that Therin is missing.
Missing?
Trapped.
How could this be?
I have no idea.
Actually, I do!
Bardic knowledge!!
Thank you!
Long ago, young Jack Lightfinger stole beauty from the mermaids.
The lord of the sea was angry and sent his waves to drown jack.
But Jack was too clever. He led the seaking inland..
..stretching out the waves which sucked!
...OUT the seakings power as there was not enough water to drown Jack.
Then Jack trapped the god of the sea in a prison of ice
..and...
Then Jack trapped the god of the sea in a prison of ice
..and...
What's that word?
Ransom.
...and ransomed him back to the merfolk.
Boring!
Interesting, but what exactly does this have to do with Therin?
The only way to trap a deity is in a prison of that gods own element.
Indeed! The four elements...like man alone...are weak.
..but together they form the strong fifth element.
Boredom!
We should go to bed soon. Morning is coming.
We must get our rest if we're to find Mort Kemnon.
And what if I shall find you first?
Abandon this road or die on it!
Save your threats! You have no power here.
As if killing the bard impresses us.
You shall never obtain the mask of death.
We do not fear you.
Then you are greater fools than you appear.
You sound afraid.
You don't believe me? Then come...come and face Drazuul.
And I think we call it there for the night.
What? It's still early.
It's after two.
It's what? I had no idea it was so late.
See? See what happens? You get so into it you loose track of time.
Yeah...it's like surfing the internet for porn..litical commentary.
Nice dodge, Gary.
Thanks! Same time next week?
Ah, can't ... do it here.
We're having a .... turning.
We could do it at my place. I've got plenty of space.
Right on!
If this is about this farmer, I totally thought he was a demon.
That was awesome!
Onward....to waffles!!
WAFFLES!
They did good, so they get waffles.
Glad that I could be of assistance.
Have you kept writing since college?
Ahh... sort of.
What does "sort of" mean?
I don't write as often as I should.
Ah...
I've got the story, I just don't know how to write it.
Try paper....and pencil.
Paper...
Wow... I think...I..
Is it this story that we're playing?
Ehhh... yeah.
Really?
So I'm in your story.
Eh... yeah, yeah.
Never been somebody's story before....IN someone's story.
Well, you know....I guess in a way we're all in a story.
I guess that's true..
No, all I'm saying is that maybe it would be easier..
..if you didn't decide how thing are gonna end before you start.
Eh...
What?
What is wrong with that?
If I don't keep them focused on the story..
..they are just going to run around looting, killing and impregnating my entire world.
I've got to keep them under control.
That's why they don't trust you!
THEY don't trust ME?
No.
They're the one who try to kill people before they have a chance to speak.
They know you don't trust them to play your way
It's why you keep them on such a short leash, it's why you dropped a policeman in the middle...
Paladin...
Whatever.
...to keep tabs on them.
It's no wonder they screw with you.
You're a good enough storyteller to handle whatever they throw at you.
Just let the story evolve...naturally.
The ending might even surprise you.
Alright. I'll...ah...see what I can do.
Alright...you'll do that.
Good night, Kevin.
Good night.
Where the hell did I park?
Hey, Mitch.
Hey.
Did you let the cat in?
We have a cat?
Yeah...time for bed.
Mr. Wample? Are you paying attention?
Oh god, yes!
How many of these do you actually need?
Let me answer that with another question:
Shut up!!
Your boss is a dick!
- Ogre. 29 hitpoints. Dark and light vision
Low reflexes.
Troll.
63 hitpoints. Regenerates 5 hp per round.
Weak agains fire and acid.
Stone giant.
200 hp. Breathes underwater.
Immune to electricity.
That's storm giant!
Morning, Steve.
Morning, Brian.
Morning, Ed.
Morning, captain.
Get him!
What's the purpose of this game again?
Eh...to deliver 10 pizzas before the other ninja.
Ok, that I can deal with.
What's with the pirates?
Everything is better with pirates!
Hi guys.
Hey, Lodge.
Lodge, can I bring in a new character?
Another bard?
What's wrong with Flinn? Besides from....dying?
I permantly loose a level everytime I'm ressurected.
I'm like at 4th level. He's almost not worth playing.
Ok. Point. Yeah sure...if you die go ahead and bring in a new guy.
Thanks, Lodge.
Hello Mr. Kitty. You can't be here.
I believe we left off a few miles outside of Westhaven.
Hey, Mitch.
Everybody make a listen check.
If you succeed you awake to a strange wrestling sound.
A scruffy looking peasant is rumaging through your gear.
I waste him with my crossbow!
This man has stolen from us. He must be punished!
Mercy! Mercy, good sirs!
I'm a woman, you fool!
What do you have against peasants, murderous troll?
Just a general...(????).....
Mercy, good Masters! Please don't kill me.
I'll try and calm him.
# Shut up dear peasant..
# Rest your head..
# Or I will let the sorceress kill your ass dead
Amazingly, the peasant is no longer paniced.
# Or I will let the sorceress kill your ass dead
Amazingly, the peasant is no longer paniced.
Rise! You have nothing to fear.
Forgive me masters. I haven't had anything to eat in days.
Then join us for breakfast.
Bard, firewood!
What is your name, peasant?
Crap....I didn't give him one...ehhh....I'll guess we'll call him...
Willem, my lady.
I live in Westhaven....at least I did until...
Until what?
Mort Kemnon's priests....they....they killed all the others.
I'm the only one left.
Do you know where Mort Kemnon is?
No, my lord. Only the fiend knows that.
The fiend?
Drazuul.
He led the purges.
It's....I rather not speak of it.
Do you know where we can find him? This... Drazuul?
In Westhaven. The centre of town.
But I'm not going back there.
Well, then let us cloth and feed you..
..and send you safely on your way.
Time out!
We do no have enough provisions to feed a nameless NPC.
He's not nameless..
...his name is Willem.
We got what we want from him. Let's just leave him.
Osric is morally compelled to help him.
He can't knowingly allow him to continue suffering.
And I can't knowingly allow you to deplete our resources because you wanna feel noble.
I'm just playing his alignment.
It's what our characters would do.
If you have a problem find some way to solve it..
...in character.
Ok.
Let's roleplay for this..
Sir Osric, a word.
Of course, brother Silence.
Let's say I have two sons...
...one strong, the other weak..
..both wish for schooling...
...but I can only send one.
Whom do I choose?
The strong boy could go far with such schooling
Yet the boy who is weak in body may find that he is strong in mind.
I would consider...
That's it! That's really it!
I will smite thee, evildo'er!
How long until he moves?
Ten...maybe twenty seconds.
I cast Amnesia on Osric.
Osric has no memory of the last two minutes.
Nice dodge, Gary.
I've got firewood.
You find the tiny hamlet of Westhaven abandoned.
Your skins begins to crawl the farther you press.
Have Osric detect evil.
Overwhelming evil in the centre of town.
We'll investigate.
What the hell is that?
A death demon... one of death's personal servants and he is looking your way.
Come...
Come to Drazuul.
Why didn't I get a save?
It's a death demon. It's fear aura is too strong.
You can't roll a successful save.
Incorrect.
What is your WILL-save modifier?
The DC to beat this demons fear aura is a 32.
You would have to roll a 23 on a 20-sided die in order to succeed.
Now I don't have a math degree but that's impossible, isn't it?
A natural 20 is an automatic success no matter the circumstance.
You only have a 5 percent chance of rolling that 20.
A natural 20 is an automatic success no matter the circumstance.
You only have a 5 percent chance of rolling that 20.
Do I at least get that roll? I mean it's in the rules.
You only have a 5 percent chance of rolling that 20.
Do I at least get that roll? I mean it's in the rules.
Or is it okay if we play by the rules? Is that alright with you?
A fumble!!
That means you're completely compelled and I get to control your character..
...until you snap out of it.
Since we're playing by the rules I know you don't mind.
Oh shut up, Kevin.
Kneel, slave!
Yes, my master.
I would never say that.
Please, let me play my character.
My body and will are yours to defile, my master.
My lady...you tempt me. The evil in your heart and your beauty is unsurpassed.
I'm not evil, I'm chaotic neutral.
You shall be my new bride and concubine.
I hate to be the one to tell you this...
...but I'm not...
Crap! I'm a woman.
My dear...what is a wedding without guests?
Kiss me, my darling.
After five minutes there is no sign of the others.
We go in after them.
Five bucks says you're dead again.
You're on, assjackal.
Master! More slaves for the lust pits.
You, hellboy! Turn!
Luster, run!
Compelled here, thank you.
My music will save you. Counter song!
Yeah, he's pissed!
New character.
Eh... sure.
Welcome to the party. We're all going to die.
That's a defeatist attitude.
Perhaps you can tell me how we're gonna slay a demon when..
..our wizard wasted his demon frying spell on a peasant?
You thought this was a great idea.
Why can't he just cast another?
Because it takes 8 hours of rest to regain spells and that's with no distractions.
I activate "Arcane Recollection".
Which does...???
At the cost of two spell slots I can regain any spell previously cast in ten rounds.
Assuming you can concentrate.
Well, then it falls to the rest of the party to protect me.
Osric lays hands on Silence.
Keep it down! I can't concentrate.
My music will help.
- How many of those do you've got? - 50.
I can do this all night.
Never fear. Flinn is here.
Quiver in fear for I....noooo....Mommy!
Evil-do'ers, prepare to die!
Don't distract me...I'm almost done.
Avast ye...
I'm gonna die....
Why hasn't Drazuul moved?
Good question! Spot check.
The demon is trapped in the pentagram!
Good question! Spot check.
The demon is trapped in the pentagram!
Now we have him!
There are 37 more of me, asshole!
Darling....prepare to receive the flaming hand of fiery doom!
Marvelous! It's a party and everyone's invited! It's just we get the hell out of here.
What about the spell?
No good.
Drazuul moves before me and blasts me unless I have a barricade or something.
Hide behind the mountain of dead bards!
I have to stand up to cast. I'm going to be a sitting duck.
I've got your back!
What happened to "Hand of Doom"?
He was expecting that. I used a hold spell instead. That way we can question him.
Well played, Gary!
Where is your master?
Well played, Gary!
Where is your master?
Sir Osric...
Can you bless this water?
Sir Osric...
Can you bless this water?
This flask is now full of holy water.
Tell us what we wanna know or I'll give you a bath.
Your treat is empty! A paladin cannot stand by while torture takes place.
Eh...
My...what fine yet rustic architecture.
I think I will examine it more closely.
Where is your master?
The paladin can always bless more water.
Didn't we pass a lake on the way here?
The mines!
You'll find the entrance in the mines.
And how do we defeat him?
The book! His power is in the book.
But this is not the power you need to fear...your real enemy is...
Thank you! You've been most helpful.
Ah...one more thing.
A noble waffle for the paladin.
I feel dirty...
You follow an overgrown trail out of town.
The trail winds towards an omnious looking mine set into the foot of the mountains.
At the entrance to the mine there are stairs that plunge far underground
The initial hallway leads deep into the darkness.
The light from your torches seems to shy away from the dark.
Alright! Mark your spots.
Nodwick? You're still alive?
Nodwick? Who's Nodwick?
Henchman...from our last campaign.
Really? Cool!
How long has he been here?
In game time? Ah...about two months.
How long has he been here?
In game time? Ah...about two months.
You guys left him here all alone?
Well...being dead we had little choice.
There is no way he's still alive after 8 weeks.
You've left 3 months worth of provisions in that chest of holding along with everything else.
Everything else?
Our gear!!
Nodwick, don't you recognize us? It's me, Fastidian.
Why are you wearing a dress?
What?
Oh, yeah...right.
We've come to retreive our goods. It's us...your former masters.
Hang on a minute. You're not my former masters.
You're completely different characters being played by the same players.
Nodwick has no idea who your new characters are.
I have never seen you before in my life.
Nodwick has no idea who your new characters are.
I have never seen you before in my life.
Shove off!
Sorry to bother you, Sir.
It's us, Nodwick. Tuk, Rennard... all of us.
Weren't you a man just a second ago?
I have another spell...
No wait! I'll charm him...
Well....
Given that my former masters are more than likely dead..
..I suppose you can have what's in the chest.
But I get to carry it.
Done.
and done.
That's it? You're giving in that easily?
You have to admit, that mandoline is quite persuasive.
Gary, you got that list what else is in that trunk?
We can plunder anything from the list, right?
I suppose...
Spiked codpiece...
Depads of the loom...
Unnatural axe...
Lase--
And now begins the killing!
Nodwick, wait here until we return!
I've heard of that before.
Mort Kemnon.
More uninvited guests!
Your reign of terror ends here!
By the light of Therin you shall fall.
What good is the light of your godess?
She cannot help you...here.
No! We're....
...doomed.
Yes!
Cobweb. Go!
Face us, necromancer!
Face my bodyguards!
Mortals.
Bodyguards?
I don't remember any...
Oh...
You can't use a lightsabre!
It's not even the right system!
I see no lightsabre. That would be a copyright infringement.
I see a psionic spiritblade.
You do not have my permission to use that in my campaign.
Fine!
Then you do not have my permission to use my old character.
You never asked me to make them an NPC...
...and I'm pretty sure you didn't ask Ropie or Dopie either.
You never asked me to make them an NPC...
...and I'm pretty sure you didn't ask Ropie or Dopie either.
You can use the stuff in the trunk but that's it!
Turn!
Watch out for Bernnard! He'll backstab you.
Daphne takes 39 damage.
Oh god, I've only got 6 hitpoints.
Splendid.
Therin, save me!
Let go of my mini.
Oh, Grim Reaper! Get off the table.
I beliebe I had an arm.
Thank you.
I think that's everything.
I think you're missing a section of wall there.
Really?
No, no I think that's everything.
Oh, my mistake.
Stupid cat.
Where's he gone?
There's a hidden door here!
Welcome to the temple of the true god.
I promise you this will be our final confrontation.
Sure you can do better.
As you wish.
What the fu...
It's from the trunk.
The book!
Destroy the book.
Flinn is alone with the book.
I stab it.....wait....I backstab it!!
You can't backstab it....you can't sneak attack an inanimate object!
Why not? It's prone.
It doesn't have a destroyable anatomy.
It's got a spine, doesn't it?
Bards suck...
That was unprecedented, Leo.
On the upside though you did give me a chance to finish casting my spell.
Which one?
Please.
He's not dead yet.
You....you think you have defeated me?
Pretty much! You did just explode.
Twice, actually.
You have only made him more powerful.
Can we please go to sleep now? I'm almost dead.
You can sleep when we're done here.
Seriously, I've got 1 hitpoint here.
Do you remember what Mort Kemnon said right before we killed him?
Bhgaaargrg?
No... "You have only made him more powerful." Who did he mean?
Death! Obviously his god...the source of his power.
Why would Death become more powerful after we've killed his greatest servant?
I don't think we have met the final enemy.
Super! Can we go to bed now?
In a minute, bard-boy. There's something we're missing.
There's some connection we haven't made.
You're creating phantoms were there are none. Our adventure has ended.
How do you mean?
We killed Mort Kemnon. We have the mask.
It's experience points and waffle time.
Our reputation is endured; we have beaten this challenge.
If we have beaten this challenge.....why are we still playing?
You raised our dinner from the dead.
Apparently..
It's awful.
I'm morally obliged to destroy this monstrosity.
.. What would the hierophant say?
I'm morally obliged to destroy this monstrosity.
.. What would the hierophant say?
He would congratulate you on your victory.
Your grace?? We were not expecting you.
We forgive you. The mask of death? You have obtained it?
Your grace?? We were not expecting you.
We forgive you. The mask of death? You have obtained it?
Yes, your grace.
Then the land shall finally know peace.
Quickly now. Hand it over so we may rush it to the cathedral.
What you ask is impossible, your grace.
We have sworn to return it to the king.
Aye, and he shall have it. Rest assured, we come with his blessing.
Now hand over the mask!
Your grace, I cannot...
This is not the time for personal glorys, Sir Osric.
You will hand over the mask!
Your grace has our answer.
This is treason! You have been corrupted by the mask!
I'm gonna die!
Yeah, you will.
See ya.
How you shame Therin by alligning with darkness.
He who stumbles around in darkness with a stick is blind...
..but he who...sticks out in darkness...is...
...fluorescent!
Loose 50 experience!
If you would worship death then do so at his side.
The light of Therin is withdrawn from you.
Turn!
I've lost my powers.
It's still good.
It is aparent, in the aftermath of the battle, that the hierophant..
...is your enemy.
Should have known that dude was evil.
Should have killed him when we had the chance.
See! That's why I kill so many NPCs. You never know!
At least we can ressurect Flinn.
Actually no. The staff is out of charges.
We must retrieve the mask.
The longer we wait, the more time the hierophant has to consolidate power.
It will take us days to cross the mountains.
We have not a moment to loose.
You journey swiftly back into the king's lands.
As you go you notice signs of decay that were not there when your adventure began.
You arrive to find the cathedral guarded by paladins.
They're gonna be looking for us.
We'll need a distraction.
They're gonna be looking for us.
We'll need a distraction.
What?
Hold peasant! What business brings you to Therin's temple?
Please father! My husband is dead.
Raise him with Therin's healing hand.
Your...husband?
Yeah, I'm so a woman.
Be that as it may,...
Death is a natural thing. We can't ressurect every man that falls.
Not even if I make a donation to the church?
Therin's blessing be upon you.
Escort this lady to the infirmary.
I...eh... Sorry, Bill.
That music....I've heard it before.
It's the hymnth of Therin. It calls forth the love of our goddess.
Alive? Good! It's time.
Keep that water handy.
Ok.
Hierophant! We beg an audience.
Ah! Uninvited guests.
Give us the mask.
And why would we do this?
It must be destroyed.
My dear boy. Why would I wish the mask destroyed?
It is evil. It must be destroyed for the glory of your goddess.
Ah! It is for the glory of our goddess that we shall wear the mask.
How can you not understand?
Before the threat Mort Kemnon, the people turned their backs on Therin.
They became complacent, unholy.
By depriving them of their goddess I've rekindled their faith.
Their fear of death trives them into the saving light of Therin!
When the king finds out what you have done...
The king? The king would not understand.
Now I rule as king, as hierophant and as avatar of our goddess!
I brought peace to this unworthy lands.
I ressurected the glory of the light!
And only I am deserving of the power of Therin!
Now...kneel before your new god!!
You have betrayed your vows and your goddess.
She will not stand for this blasphemy. And neither will I.
Then join her in the world beyond.
Now how did that go...??
Ah, yes...
# Brings me to Therin, goddess of the light...
- # Her grace... - Goddess?
Daphne, the heart! Therin is trapped in the heart.
I am your avatar!
The light of Therin be upon you.
Rise, Daphne.
You have freed me from my prison...
...and have my thanks.
Of all your fellows it was you..
...who never strayed from the path of godness and law.
And so, as reward, I shall grant you any one wish that you desire.
No way!
Limited or unlimited?
She's a goddess, dude! It's unlimited!
You could wish for anything.
Go for levels! You could be like 20th level everything.
No, no, no, gear! Gear! You could wish for everything that is in those books.
No, no, no! Don't think small!
Wish yourself immortal. Have her to make you a goddess as well.
I wish that you bring Sir Osric back to life.
As you wish...
That was awesome!
That's beautiful.
That is so freaking stupid!
I have seen stupid decisions before but that is the single most lame retarded one ever!
You wasted an unlimited wish! On an NPC!
How about wishing for more wishes, or advancing our levels,..
..or giving us magical items.
How about wishing for more wishes, or advancing our levels,..
..or giving us magical items.
How about wishing yourself immortal first and then ressurecting him yourself?
Good god! Could have had anything!
It's what my character would have done.
You could have been a god! I know mormones that would have killed for that!
What was the paladin to us?
He's not even a real character!
We can always get more NPCs.
He's not even a real character!
We can always get more NPCs.
You waste the greatest treasure in the game on nothing but a story decision.
Should have never gotten you in.
You ruined my game! That is it!
Should have never gotten you in.
You ruined my game! That is it!
Damn it, we're gamers! Haven't you learned anything?
So....what happens next?
Rise, Flinn!
You have my thanks! You shall be my herald and spread music and peace to all my people.
Leo, you gained a level of the Cantor prestige class.
Rise, Lester.
You have my thanks.
I would have you enter my service but I cannot have an evil person...
I'm not evil! I'm chaotic neutral. Right?
No.
- You are evil and a whore. - Totally.
Gary, you can't remeber any of your spells.
What did you do to me?
I've burned away your wickedness and made you whole again.
Game terms, please.
I replaced your levels of sorcerer with equal levels of cleric.
So I have to be.....good?
Yes.
Thanks??
Where's the monk?
He is gone. He disagreed with the wisdom of my decision.
Rise, Sir Osric. I deputize thy Lord High-Marshall of my paladins.
Go forth, heroes and spread my light..
...to the dark places of the world.
So I guess that means that the campaign is over, doesn't it?
This one is, yeah.
I had a good time.
Me too. That was different....but cool.
Mostly cool. I like the way you game.
Totally in agreement here.
Well...eh...thanks. Thanks for coming out, guys.
See ya.
Thank you, Lodge.
- Waffles? - Recognized!
- Awesome! - Very cool!
And of course, everybody gets promos.
Thank you.
I've got one for Cass, since he was in the campaign.
The story doesn't end here, does it?
Oh, no, no. Check it out! I have a cool new villain lined up.
I've got it from a friend of mine. He's kind of a ninja swashbuckler.
The shadow!
The shadow?
The shadow?
The shadow?!
Hi guys! What's up, Lodge?
Eh... why don't you guys go on into the room there. I'll be right there.
You've got something published. I know you worked really hard on it.
Thanks.
I had a look at it and ...ah...it's actually pretty well balanced to tell the truth, so...
Oh, I heard that you're starting a new campaign and...ah..
..you know...I was thinking that...eh..
If...you need another player.
I could stop by from time to time.
Why the change of heart?
You know...if I win....okay...the story ends..
..and I can't avoid to keep going.
Would you like to join the group, Cass?
Hey! I'm not doing anything else, yeah!
Why don't you join the group, Cass?
Ehm..... I ah...I'll be in the back. Just...ah...I'll be in the back room.
I....ah...I....ah.....I'am a dick!
Yes.
Yeah...
So, where does this new adventure start?
Oh, it starts about where you guys left off.
You have saved the kingdom and restored the peace.
Or have you??
I present to you Lord Osric of Whitetower.
Sit! Arise! Speak!
The mask of death! It's gone. Stolen by the shadow.
It must be recovered. Who will risk their life on this quest?
You guys just got here. Surely there's another hero in our kingdom..
..that would prefer to go in their place to certain death?
Alright...it seems unlikely.
Good luck, then. Off you go!
Turn!
Nodwick.
Stay here until we return!
Aye, my Lord
Mort Kemnon!
Uninvited guests...
Your reign of terror ends here!
By the light of Therin you shall fall!
What good is the light of your goddess?
She can not help you...
...here.
No...
We're...
...doomed.
Fastidian!
This does not end here!
Yes it does...for you.
Craaaaap!!
Was there a reason you didn't turn those ghouls?
Since that would've helped us...not die?
Guys...
Maybe you should have detected the trap, Cass. Green Mouse would be proud.
That was an AMBUSH, not a TRAP.
Even you should know the difference.
Oh by the way...way to defend the cleric there, Conan.
You lived..oh what...six seconds?
Real smart giving them clear path to the healer.
Look! Guys...
I didn't see you helping!
In fact, I saw you dying like a whiny little peasant!
Maybe I was dying...
...because our battle-dealer wasn't doing his job!
How am I supposed to kill everything in the room when I get flanked?
You are supposed to keep people of my ass
And you are supposed to keep healing me!
Which brings me to my lack of powers which I didn't have after I lost them!
Did I mention losing my powers?
GUYS!
And if he hadn't cut you off we totally would have had him
Yeah....I didn't even know it was possible cutting of a cleric of his god.
It's not....not in the core rules it isn't
It does fit the story!
It doesn't fit the rules!
Story trums rules!
Again with this argument...
Boss...we're down to our last copy of "Pizza Tattoo"
And of course I can't expect you
to know where we keep our products seeing as how you work for me
Argue on!!
What would you rather have?
A fantasy world with its own mysteries and pitfalls
...or...just another cookie cutter setting with no real surprises?
You should have told us that in your world the cleric could be cut off of his god!
Why should I told you that?
Gary... would you have played a cleric if you've known it's allowed to shut him down?
Hell no!
That's player knowledge, not character knowledge!
You know but your character wouldn't
That is so cheap! Cheap cheap cheap!
It is not cool to let a character advance that far and pull something that huge on him!
It was supposed to be a nasty surprise!
Something you weren't expecting
And because it was so unexpected the party died!
This is what happend when you mess with the rules!
What were you thinking?
Maybe....that it would force you to ROLE-PLAY!
What do you think we were doing??
Guys... come on!
Same time next week?
I'm good!
The new expansion for "Samurai Baseball" comes out next friday
Looks very cool....you strike out you commit sapaku
No...we play this very game..
The same campaign?
We played it twice already?
You guys wanna do my campaign again?
No.
I have a reputation? There is no game on this shelves that can beat me!
So what kind of gamer would I be if I let some unpublished mod give the best of us?
Thanks, Cass. That's real...thoughful.
Hey, Mitch...
Hey...
Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick?
God...I don't know why that keeps happening?
Listen! We need two more players!
Dude.. I've got work in the morning!
No! Dick! For your campaign.
It's why we keep dying. We need a more well-rounded party.
Listen...it's only so much damaged three mad hombres can do, right?
Oh Cesar...didn't see that one coming did you?
Are you guys still gaming?
We're playing TimeValentin.
We need to go back through time and beat the crap out of historical figures
I totally butchered Abraham Lincoln.
Don't you have class in the morning?
Yeah. In like five hours? Why?
Take that Jesus!
Hey I gotta go...it's almost my turn
Take that Jesus!
Hey I gotta go...it's almost my turn
Who is the messiah now?
I'm never going to finish this freaking module!
Party died again?
They never try anything new and then they blame me when they die
Ungrateful munchkins!
I'm really kind of pissed off!
And that has nothing to do with your writers block?
I do not have writers block!
I know exactly how the story ends.
I just don't know how to get there.
Obviously neither do your players.
How am I supposed to finish a modules based on a adventure
...if we never finish the adventure?
Just run them through until they win...or your heads explodes.
We're gonna start all over again once we have a few new players
Mark.
Mark, why don't you join?
You used to game all the time in College!
I haven't gamed since the "incident"
Total party wipeout?
Like you couldn't even imagine.
Hey Cass.
Lodge.
Mark, I haven't seen you in a long time.
It's like I forgot you even exist.
Yeah...I get that a lot.
Ah... found one of the newbies!
Oh, do I know him?
Her.
Joanna keeps bugging me to get he involved..
..so I figured we make her a fighter. It's easy enough to play.
Joanna? Your ex Joanna?
She will be joining us?
Yes...finally!
What's wrong, Lodge?
Never played with a girl before?
See you scrubs tomorrow
Apparently we're leaving..
See you at Leo's...
..I'll try not to slow things down to much
Ohh... ehh... wait
Here. Player's Handbook. It's got all the rules. Everything you need to know.
Thanks, Kevin. I'll look it over
Who the hell is Kevin?
I am Kevin.
You have a first name?
Alright...what have you got?
Half-breed
Kicking down the door..
Hey...alright that's everybody
Where is player number five?
There is no fifth player.
You said you're gonna get us another player, Lodge.
I asked 15 people..
..all regulars. Apparently we have a reputation!
What did I tell you? You make one eleven year old cry and they stop bugging you.
We still need another player!
I have taken care of it
Now...this is a mid-level campaign so we're starting at ninth level.
Here's Joanna's character.
What are you doing?
I made a character for you.
I wanna play my own character.
I know...that's why I made you one.
You think I can't make my own character?
Look...it's nothing personal.
You are going to be a fighter; there are some requirements you have to meet.
Like what?
A fighter has to be the strongest guy in the party.
Has to have a high armor class..
...and hitpoints out of the ass.
And that is what I made for you.
Let me see that!
Bikini mail?
Mmm...
What the hell is bikini mail?
Only the best armor you're allowed to wear.
There's a picture of it right here.
That looks like a ......
She fights with a broadsword?
"broad" sword
I get it. Kevin help me out here.
Kevin?
Wait..., your name is Kevin?
You have a first name?
Guys, if Joanna made a character she's gets to play it.
I agree with you on principle.. Kevin...
But she is new and I don't want her to die because she is inexperienced.
What makes you think that I'm gonna die?
History.
New guy always dies.
That is so true...
Hey you remember that one time those halfling pirates made him...
Shut up
Or the time that those gnome shopkeepers ambushed...
Shut up!
Or that asthmathic six year old princess...
SHUT UP!!
I flipped through that handbook....I got the jist of it...it doesn't seem that hard.
Okay....let's see your character then.
What's your strength bonus?
She doesn't have one.
Her highest stat is her intelligence
I've put other bonuses in dexterity and charisma.
Charisma?
WIIIIIIIIIII...
No strength bonus...
No constitution bonus...
How many hitpoints does she have?
Ah..let me see...45.
Ah...
45 hp.
A 9th level fighter with 45 hitpoints.
She's really gonna protect the party.
I put her other feats in speed and precision.
That's why intelligence is more important than strenght.
It would be if you were a wizard. But you're not.
You're a fighter....a fighter with a giant "kill me" sign on her back.
With her charisma she should be able to talk her way out of most fights.
What? Negotiation isn't your style?
Not exactly, no.
Our phylosophy is: "beat it until it stops moving"
...and then shoot it...
...and then step on its cadaver.
Calm down, Gary.
If you play this character you are going to die.
I spent 2 hours on this character and I'm gonna play her, okay?
Ok.
Ok.
And when you die you can play bikini babe.
Fine.
Why did you two break up again?
Gary! Character?
I'm a wild mage. WILD!!
But you loser can call me sorceress.
Yes, that's right. I'm playing a chic!
Dude, you're hot?
17 Charisma
Wanna have sex?
Totally.
Awesome! I seduce him....her.
Yes! I can totally seduce any homophobe with that roll.
We haven't started yet!
You guys haven't met.
Alright
Bone me later.
I'll be waiting, man meat.
After we've started please..
Leo, I assume you are playing a fighter again?
Actually I'm going as bard.
Really? That is....bit of a jump for you. You only played fighters before.
How different can they be?
I'm playing a monk.
What's he gonna do? Copy manuscripts?
Think "Kung Fu Monk", grasshopper.
Oh, that doesn't seem to fit, does it?
No, it doesn't
I told you guys that there are no monks in my world.
And I told you that if we're playing by 3rd edition rules I can play any
basic character class.....and monk....
...is a basic character class.
I based my world on a fantasized western medieval period
There were no "kung fu monks" in western europe.
If Joanna can play a character that she wants,
I can play any character that I want.
I'm asking to play a basic character class
...and you're blocking me.
You're breaking the rules...again.
I play a monk or I don't play.
And they don't play.
- I play. - No, you don't!
Yes, I do.
Fine. You can play a monk. But he's got to fit the world.
He has got to be a western monk...
...occidental.
- You think you can handle that? - Of course.
Good
- You think you can handle that? - Of course.
Good
Now is there anything else?
- No, that's it. - Alright.
Oh, I'm also playing an elf.
What? No, you're not.
Yeah, yeah thats right.
I told you guys that this is an all human campaign.
There are no elves in my world.
And I told you that "elf" is a basic character race and...
..and since we're playing by the rules..
ADVENTURE STARTING! ADVENTURE.
We begin in the throne room where three of you have answered
the summons to the king.
His royal majesty "Erasmus, the randomly bias"
There is a great evil in our land
The vile necromancer, Mort Kemnon.
Daily his power grows stronger
and yet it appears that our goddess has forsaken us
...for she answers not our prayers.
Now can I seduce her?
In the middle of the throne room?
Why not? We started!
Mort Kemnon has discovered an evil artifact.
A cursed item known as the "Mask of Death".
Find him and kill him!
Bring me this mask...
so that its evil may not spread across our land.
Flofenrest...
...the staff!
I present to you this "Staff of Ressurection".
If one of your party should fall during the quest..
...it need not be their end.
Go forth noble heroes.
May Therin light your way.
Go forth noble heroes.
May Therin light your way.
The city is near to bursting with a flood of refugees.
You hear mutters of Mort Kemnon as they shuffle toward the safety of the castle.
Corn, sellery, oranges...
Fresh bread..
Onions.
Cabbages...the finest cabbages in the land.
I wanna talk to the farmer.
Why?
Well...if he is from out of town he might be able to tell us where the evil wizard is.
That's a great idea...
Thanks!
...for that it sucks.
There is no way that he knows where he is.
Why not?
He's a random NPC.
And as we all now my NPCs are "cardboard cut outs".
NPC?
Non player character.
Oh, right.
Which of course I'm supposed to know.
Don't worry, we don't need anything from him. We know where we're going.
No, you don't!
We've done the adventure twice before...
...we need to go to the mountains.
Your characters don't know where to go.
Are you saying that there's not an adventure hook in the...
Yes.
No, it's beside the point.
And the point? He's beside the mountains...off we go.
I still wanna talk to him. It's what my character would do.
How long have you been in town my friend?
Oh...scarcly a day, my lady.
There are goblins in the mountains you should know.
Boring!
Have you heard anything....strange in your travels?
Rumors about where Mort Kemnon might be?
I believe the adventure is that way!
Aye...those mountains look quest-worthy.
The sooner you tell me what you know...
...the sooner you can safely return to your land.
Well..it may be nothing but I heard that things were not right in...
Ahhhhhhhhh!
What the hell did you just cast?
Flaming hand of fiery doom!
On a farmer?
You cast a 4th level spell on a 0th level peasant?
Yeah!
Waffles!!
Totally!
That spell is for killing demons.
I'm lawful good. Am I morally obliged to kill him?
What the hell were you thinking?
I was just trying to get on with the story.
How are we supposed to trust you?
We've just met and the first thing you do..after boinking a stranger...
...in the presence of the king...is to murder a peasant because you were bored??
I'm chaotic neutral! I'm just playing my alignment.
......That was a decidedly evil act.
You know I think I am morally oblieged to kill him now.
One more of those and I'm shifting your alignment to chaotic evil.
Got it?
Got it!
How much experience do I get for the farmer?
Gary? Are you forgetting something?
Oh...you got some peasant on your face.
Like what?
Hail...Flynn the fine.
Hail, random creepy knife guy.
Dumbass...bardic knowledge?
Oh, right... you are totally...
The lord high inquisitor.
Lord high inquisitor.
Of the grand illuminated holy order of Therin
....what he said
Hail!
The hierophant begs an audience.
Listen...if this is about that farmer..
...I totally thought he was a demon.
Follow us!
No, no...seriously...
He was talking about..like there was a hellgate in one of those things.
Seriously...I know it was in here somewhere. He had the horns and the fangs...
and then he said he was going to pee fire on us.
I had no choice...I didn't think...it was like this...
And I'm pretty sure he was eating a baby...
It was pretty awful...
Wooow... ehhh... we should take these.
The inquisitor leads you into the heart of the cathedral
...where the grand hierophant of Therin himself awaits you.
I gotta thank you for meeting with us..
...before you continue your journey.
It is our honor, your grace.
What is that?
The heart of Therin.
Legend says the gem is composed of solid light.
Could I steal it?
Well...considering that it's one of the holyiest symbols of the church
..and that the cathedral is swarming with paladins that would most likely be suicide.
Go ahead!
What is that heavenly music?
The hymnth of Therin...it calls to our goddess.
I seduce the priestess!
She's taken a vow of celibacy.
Dude...20 ranks in seduction!
Hey baby...wanna tune my mandoline?
Please understand...the horny bard does not represent us.
There are those who say that Therin has abandoned us in this dark time.
Rest assured she watches us always.
Nevertheless, we shall send two of our own order to ensure your safety.
Brother Silence, a most stubborn monk...who's NOT an elf.
And Sir Osric the Chased, our most noble paladin.
Oh great...a babysitter.
You have got to be kidding me.
Lodge, you are such a douche.
Sir Osric will assure that you never stray the paths of goodness and law.
You strike out for the mountains.
The road winds high through the foothills
and after a day you've reached the foot of the pass.
At the edge of a thick forest a sign catches your eye.
After a few hours you come to a clearing in the pass.
In the middle stands a twisted goblin totem.
Perhaps we could sneak around?
Not a chance...it's a trap.
Not nece...
Not necessarily.
It's always a trap.
Doubtless, the goblins are merely waiting for an excuse
What are you doing?
Where did you get that tomato?
Hello? I'm a bard.
I got your "gaga".
Is this wise?
Are you trying to kill us?
You know...I believe this is a totem to a goblin god.
Oh really? What kind of god?
A god of the moon, I believe.
A god of the moon you say?
Indeed, I do.
Well, how do you worship a god of the moon?
Ah, with my cute little tuschi.
They're so angry.
Oh, I wonder why. We only farted on god.
Perhaps we can negotiate?
Don't worry! I got it.
I totally pacify them with bardic music.
# Dear goblin friends# Dear goblin friends #
# Please hear my song #
Yeah....
...you're dead.
In 29 minutes and 42 seconds.
New personal best, Leo.
There's so many place I can stick that stuff on you...
Alright, everybody roll "inish".
Initiative.
Oh, right. To see who goes first.
I roll one of these thingis and add my dex bonus plus 4.
No, just your dex bonus.
No, I also get +4. That's what "improved initiative" does, right?
Who takes improved initiative?
Ok, order...
Joanna, Cass, Gary, Osric, then goblins.
What about me?
You're dead.
Ok... so I take one of these and add my attack bonus and....
You get another attack.
I do??
You took first strike. When you go first and drop an opponent you immediately get another attack.
Cool
Criticial!
I get another attack.
Expanded critical, critical momentum and precise strike.
You see, I add my INT and DEX bonuses to my crit range
...and I get an extra attack every time I land a critical hit.
What's your critical range?
Let's see...13 to 20, without bonuses.
Holy Craping Christ!
Critical!
Critical!
Five foot step.
Critical!
Cass, you're up.
Gary.
Lightning bolt.
That will go off in 2 rounds.
What? Why?
Wild magic, Sex bomb.
Flinn pulls Elazarus.
and... goblins.
The goblins surround Daphne.
Joanna?
Hold my action.
Cass...
Move to assist Daphne...
...twice
I'm here to protect you.
My hero.
Now?
No, Gary.
Osric uses the staff on Flinn.
# Sing it! Give it to me...all you can...
# 'cause you're all dead....that's right!
That's who takes improved initiative.
Yeah...but can you...(???)
Oh, and your spell goes off.
Crap!
So.....how much experience do I get for the bard?
After the battle in goblins pass...
...you resurrect Flinn yet again and press through the mountains.
Night has fallen by the time you reach the tiny village on the other side of the range.
Is the barmaid hot?
Yes....must you?
Yes, I must...
I wanna seduce her next.
Hey baby! My spells require some magic components.
Dude...you're a chick!
Oh...right
How embarrasing.
We should not draw attention to ourselves
Agreed. We should mute our presents. We don't know how might be watching.
Indeed! Only in hiding ones identity..
...can one truly be known.
I'm sorry. There is no rooms for you tonight.
Nonsense! Your inn is empty. There is plenty of room for us.
The room is not a problem, truthfully. The problem -
Truthfully....you are not welcome here!!
Mort Agrippa!
You are most certainly not welcome here!
Introduction would seem in order.
I am the governer of this town...
...and you are trespassing on these lands!
These lands belong to the king.
These lands belong to MY king!
Mort Kemnon.
Yes! And soon you will serve him as I do!
Beyond the veil of death!
Gary, you're held. Leo you're in.
Fear not! I have returned.
Dash it old man. Help us!
I am!
Turn!
Is that the one that kicked me in the face?
Yeah. Why?
Just asking.
I am Mort Agrippa.
You see...I control Zombie-Ninjas.
Are they "Zinjas"?\ Are they "Nombis"?
I don't know.
Mort Agrippa ain't going nowhere.
Oh... monks you have a problem with but... hey...ninjas are ok.
Tell us where Mort Kemnon is!
Do your worst! Kill me if you must! I will never tell.
Gosch... we'll have to torture him.
Oh... dark!
You'll have to think of something else...
Torture is dishonorable. Osric won't allow it.
God, I love paladins!
Can't you just step outside for a while?
Actually no. Paladins can't let evil things happen if they know about them.
It's his alignment.
Yeah, they're lawful stupid.
I'll distract him. I'll tell him that there's a ninja outside.
I seriously doubt he will fall for that.
Normally the dice decide that sort of thing.
Look Sir Osric, an evil-do'er outside.
What?
Show yourself, villain! Thou can not escape my justice!
Come forward so that I may smite thy with my mighty blade!
The truth shall descend upon thy wickedness as an angel of righteous fury!
Deceivers! This ends now!
He's over there!
Thou shall die a thousand deaths shadow spawn!
I shall lay down my justice upon thy lonesome brow
Thou shall die a thousand deaths shadow spawn!
I shall lay down my justice upon thy lonesome brow
What happened here?
Ehh... funny story...
...strangest thing! Eh...he...
...he tripped .. and on the way down beat himself to death.
Yes.
Did he say where Mort Kemnon was?
Not as such...no..
Did you find that evil-do'er?
He escaped.
My shame knows no bounds.
Yeah...you suck!
Flinn, what did the barmaid say?
Oh, yes...oh yes.
Oh, gods....yes!
About Mort Kemnon, dumbass.
The barmaid says Mort Agrippa came from West Haven.
Following her advice you abandon the inn and take the road to the east.
You put some good miles between yourself and the town
.. before you camp for the night a few miles outside of West Haven.
Hi.
You know...you're unlike any other woman I've ever met.
Right back at you...
So fast...so strong. Like steel wrapped in silk.
A man could loose himself in those eyes...
A man could, yes. But apparently I must remind you that you are a woman.
Of course I am...
I don't supposed you're interested in a little girl on girl a---
You don't really wanna finish that thought, do you?
I'll take that as a "no".
Good girl.
Tell me minstrel....what do you know of this Mort Kemnon?
He is a servant of death. An enemy of the light.
And that is all I can tell you.
And...the mask of death?
The god of oblivion wore the mask when..
...the creator forged the world.
It is said that whoever wears the mask gains the power of the god he serves.
Then Mort Kemnon has all the powers of death?
How could Therin allow this?
Maybe beyond her control.
Before we left the Hierophant told us that Therin is missing.
Missing?
Trapped.
How could this be?
I have no idea.
Actually, I do!
Bardic knowledge!!
Thank you!
Long ago, young Jack Lightfinger stole beauty from the mermaids.
The lord of the sea was angry and sent his waves to drown jack.
But Jack was too clever. He led the seaking inland..
..stretching out the waves which sucked!
...OUT the seakings power as there was not enough water to drown Jack.
Then Jack trapped the god of the sea in a prison of ice
..and...
Then Jack trapped the god of the sea in a prison of ice
..and...
What's that word?
Ransom.
...and ransomed him back to the merfolk.
Boring!
Interesting, but what exactly does this have to do with Therin?
The only way to trap a deity is in a prison of that gods own element.
Indeed! The four elements...like man alone...are weak.
..but together they form the strong fifth element.
Boredom!
We should go to bed soon. Morning is coming.
We must get our rest if we're to find Mort Kemnon.
And what if I shall find you first?
Abandon this road or die on it!
Save your threats! You have no power here.
As if killing the bard impresses us.
You shall never obtain the mask of death.
We do not fear you.
Then you are greater fools than you appear.
You sound afraid.
You don't believe me? Then come...come and face Drazuul.
And I think we call it there for the night.
What? It's still early.
It's after two.
It's what? I had no idea it was so late.
See? See what happens? You get so into it you loose track of time.
Yeah...it's like surfing the internet for porn..litical commentary.
Nice dodge, Gary.
Thanks! Same time next week?
Ah, can't ... do it here.
We're having a .... turning.
We could do it at my place. I've got plenty of space.
Right on!
If this is about this farmer, I totally thought he was a demon.
That was awesome!
Onward....to waffles!!
WAFFLES!
They did good, so they get waffles.
Glad that I could be of assistance.
Have you kept writing since college?
Ahh... sort of.
What does "sort of" mean?
I don't write as often as I should.
Ah...
I've got the story, I just don't know how to write it.
Try paper....and pencil.
Paper...
Wow... I think...I..
Is it this story that we're playing?
Ehhh... yeah.
Really?
So I'm in your story.
Eh... yeah, yeah.
Never been somebody's story before....IN someone's story.
Well, you know....I guess in a way we're all in a story.
I guess that's true..
No, all I'm saying is that maybe it would be easier..
..if you didn't decide how thing are gonna end before you start.
Eh...
What?
What is wrong with that?
If I don't keep them focused on the story..
..they are just going to run around looting, killing and impregnating my entire world.
I've got to keep them under control.
That's why they don't trust you!
THEY don't trust ME?
No.
They're the one who try to kill people before they have a chance to speak.
They know you don't trust them to play your way
It's why you keep them on such a short leash, it's why you dropped a policeman in the middle...
Paladin...
Whatever.
...to keep tabs on them.
It's no wonder they screw with you.
You're a good enough storyteller to handle whatever they throw at you.
Just let the story evolve...naturally.
The ending might even surprise you.
Alright. I'll...ah...see what I can do.
Alright...you'll do that.
Good night, Kevin.
Good night.
Where the hell did I park?
Hey, Mitch.
Hey.
Did you let the cat in?
We have a cat?
Yeah...time for bed.
Mr. Wample? Are you paying attention?
Oh god, yes!
How many of these do you actually need?
Let me answer that with another question:
Shut up!!
Your boss is a dick!
- Ogre. 29 hitpoints. Dark and light vision
Low reflexes.
Troll.
63 hitpoints. Regenerates 5 hp per round.
Weak agains fire and acid.
Stone giant.
200 hp. Breathes underwater.
Immune to electricity.
That's storm giant!
Morning, Steve.
Morning, Brian.
Morning, Ed.
Morning, captain.
Get him!
What's the purpose of this game again?
Eh...to deliver 10 pizzas before the other ninja.
Ok, that I can deal with.
What's with the pirates?
Everything is better with pirates!
Hi guys.
Hey, Lodge.
Lodge, can I bring in a new character?
Another bard?
What's wrong with Flinn? Besides from....dying?
I permantly loose a level everytime I'm ressurected.
I'm like at 4th level. He's almost not worth playing.
Ok. Point. Yeah sure...if you die go ahead and bring in a new guy.
Thanks, Lodge.
Hello Mr. Kitty. You can't be here.
I believe we left off a few miles outside of Westhaven.
Hey, Mitch.
Everybody make a listen check.
If you succeed you awake to a strange wrestling sound.
A scruffy looking peasant is rumaging through your gear.
I waste him with my crossbow!
This man has stolen from us. He must be punished!
Mercy! Mercy, good sirs!
I'm a woman, you fool!
What do you have against peasants, murderous troll?
Just a general...(????).....
Mercy, good Masters! Please don't kill me.
I'll try and calm him.
# Shut up dear peasant..
# Rest your head..
# Or I will let the sorceress kill your ass dead
Amazingly, the peasant is no longer paniced.
# Or I will let the sorceress kill your ass dead
Amazingly, the peasant is no longer paniced.
Rise! You have nothing to fear.
Forgive me masters. I haven't had anything to eat in days.
Then join us for breakfast.
Bard, firewood!
What is your name, peasant?
Crap....I didn't give him one...ehhh....I'll guess we'll call him...
Willem, my lady.
I live in Westhaven....at least I did until...
Until what?
Mort Kemnon's priests....they....they killed all the others.
I'm the only one left.
Do you know where Mort Kemnon is?
No, my lord. Only the fiend knows that.
The fiend?
Drazuul.
He led the purges.
It's....I rather not speak of it.
Do you know where we can find him? This... Drazuul?
In Westhaven. The centre of town.
But I'm not going back there.
Well, then let us cloth and feed you..
..and send you safely on your way.
Time out!
We do no have enough provisions to feed a nameless NPC.
He's not nameless..
...his name is Willem.
We got what we want from him. Let's just leave him.
Osric is morally compelled to help him.
He can't knowingly allow him to continue suffering.
And I can't knowingly allow you to deplete our resources because you wanna feel noble.
I'm just playing his alignment.
It's what our characters would do.
If you have a problem find some way to solve it..
...in character.
Ok.
Let's roleplay for this..
Sir Osric, a word.
Of course, brother Silence.
Let's say I have two sons...
...one strong, the other weak..
..both wish for schooling...
...but I can only send one.
Whom do I choose?
The strong boy could go far with such schooling
Yet the boy who is weak in body may find that he is strong in mind.
I would consider...
That's it! That's really it!
I will smite thee, evildo'er!
How long until he moves?
Ten...maybe twenty seconds.
I cast Amnesia on Osric.
Osric has no memory of the last two minutes.
Nice dodge, Gary.
I've got firewood.
You find the tiny hamlet of Westhaven abandoned.
Your skins begins to crawl the farther you press.
Have Osric detect evil.
Overwhelming evil in the centre of town.
We'll investigate.
What the hell is that?
A death demon... one of death's personal servants and he is looking your way.
Come...
Come to Drazuul.
Why didn't I get a save?
It's a death demon. It's fear aura is too strong.
You can't roll a successful save.
Incorrect.
What is your WILL-save modifier?
The DC to beat this demons fear aura is a 32.
You would have to roll a 23 on a 20-sided die in order to succeed.
Now I don't have a math degree but that's impossible, isn't it?
A natural 20 is an automatic success no matter the circumstance.
You only have a 5 percent chance of rolling that 20.
A natural 20 is an automatic success no matter the circumstance.
You only have a 5 percent chance of rolling that 20.
Do I at least get that roll? I mean it's in the rules.
You only have a 5 percent chance of rolling that 20.
Do I at least get that roll? I mean it's in the rules.
Or is it okay if we play by the rules? Is that alright with you?
A fumble!!
That means you're completely compelled and I get to control your character..
...until you snap out of it.
Since we're playing by the rules I know you don't mind.
Oh shut up, Kevin.
Kneel, slave!
Yes, my master.
I would never say that.
Please, let me play my character.
My body and will are yours to defile, my master.
My lady...you tempt me. The evil in your heart and your beauty is unsurpassed.
I'm not evil, I'm chaotic neutral.
You shall be my new bride and concubine.
I hate to be the one to tell you this...
...but I'm not...
Crap! I'm a woman.
My dear...what is a wedding without guests?
Kiss me, my darling.
After five minutes there is no sign of the others.
We go in after them.
Five bucks says you're dead again.
You're on, assjackal.
Master! More slaves for the lust pits.
You, hellboy! Turn!
Luster, run!
Compelled here, thank you.
My music will save you. Counter song!
Yeah, he's pissed!
New character.
Eh... sure.
Welcome to the party. We're all going to die.
That's a defeatist attitude.
Perhaps you can tell me how we're gonna slay a demon when..
..our wizard wasted his demon frying spell on a peasant?
You thought this was a great idea.
Why can't he just cast another?
Because it takes 8 hours of rest to regain spells and that's with no distractions.
I activate "Arcane Recollection".
Which does...???
At the cost of two spell slots I can regain any spell previously cast in ten rounds.
Assuming you can concentrate.
Well, then it falls to the rest of the party to protect me.
Osric lays hands on Silence.
Keep it down! I can't concentrate.
My music will help.
- How many of those do you've got? - 50.
I can do this all night.
Never fear. Flinn is here.
Quiver in fear for I....noooo....Mommy!
Evil-do'ers, prepare to die!
Don't distract me...I'm almost done.
Avast ye...
I'm gonna die....
Why hasn't Drazuul moved?
Good question! Spot check.
The demon is trapped in the pentagram!
Good question! Spot check.
The demon is trapped in the pentagram!
Now we have him!
There are 37 more of me, asshole!
Darling....prepare to receive the flaming hand of fiery doom!
Marvelous! It's a party and everyone's invited! It's just we get the hell out of here.
What about the spell?
No good.
Drazuul moves before me and blasts me unless I have a barricade or something.
Hide behind the mountain of dead bards!
I have to stand up to cast. I'm going to be a sitting duck.
I've got your back!
What happened to "Hand of Doom"?
He was expecting that. I used a hold spell instead. That way we can question him.
Well played, Gary!
Where is your master?
Well played, Gary!
Where is your master?
Sir Osric...
Can you bless this water?
Sir Osric...
Can you bless this water?
This flask is now full of holy water.
Tell us what we wanna know or I'll give you a bath.
Your treat is empty! A paladin cannot stand by while torture takes place.
Eh...
My...what fine yet rustic architecture.
I think I will examine it more closely.
Where is your master?
The paladin can always bless more water.
Didn't we pass a lake on the way here?
The mines!
You'll find the entrance in the mines.
And how do we defeat him?
The book! His power is in the book.
But this is not the power you need to fear...your real enemy is...
Thank you! You've been most helpful.
Ah...one more thing.
A noble waffle for the paladin.
I feel dirty...
You follow an overgrown trail out of town.
The trail winds towards an omnious looking mine set into the foot of the mountains.
At the entrance to the mine there are stairs that plunge far underground
The initial hallway leads deep into the darkness.
The light from your torches seems to shy away from the dark.
Alright! Mark your spots.
Nodwick? You're still alive?
Nodwick? Who's Nodwick?
Henchman...from our last campaign.
Really? Cool!
How long has he been here?
In game time? Ah...about two months.
How long has he been here?
In game time? Ah...about two months.
You guys left him here all alone?
Well...being dead we had little choice.
There is no way he's still alive after 8 weeks.
You've left 3 months worth of provisions in that chest of holding along with everything else.
Everything else?
Our gear!!
Nodwick, don't you recognize us? It's me, Fastidian.
Why are you wearing a dress?
What?
Oh, yeah...right.
We've come to retreive our goods. It's us...your former masters.
Hang on a minute. You're not my former masters.
You're completely different characters being played by the same players.
Nodwick has no idea who your new characters are.
I have never seen you before in my life.
Nodwick has no idea who your new characters are.
I have never seen you before in my life.
Shove off!
Sorry to bother you, Sir.
It's us, Nodwick. Tuk, Rennard... all of us.
Weren't you a man just a second ago?
I have another spell...
No wait! I'll charm him...
Well....
Given that my former masters are more than likely dead..
..I suppose you can have what's in the chest.
But I get to carry it.
Done.
and done.
That's it? You're giving in that easily?
You have to admit, that mandoline is quite persuasive.
Gary, you got that list what else is in that trunk?
We can plunder anything from the list, right?
I suppose...
Spiked codpiece...
Depads of the loom...
Unnatural axe...
Lase--
And now begins the killing!
Nodwick, wait here until we return!
I've heard of that before.
Mort Kemnon.
More uninvited guests!
Your reign of terror ends here!
By the light of Therin you shall fall.
What good is the light of your godess?
She cannot help you...here.
No! We're....
...doomed.
Yes!
Cobweb. Go!
Face us, necromancer!
Face my bodyguards!
Mortals.
Bodyguards?
I don't remember any...
Oh...
You can't use a lightsabre!
It's not even the right system!
I see no lightsabre. That would be a copyright infringement.
I see a psionic spiritblade.
You do not have my permission to use that in my campaign.
Fine!
Then you do not have my permission to use my old character.
You never asked me to make them an NPC...
...and I'm pretty sure you didn't ask Ropie or Dopie either.
You never asked me to make them an NPC...
...and I'm pretty sure you didn't ask Ropie or Dopie either.
You can use the stuff in the trunk but that's it!
Turn!
Watch out for Bernnard! He'll backstab you.
Daphne takes 39 damage.
Oh god, I've only got 6 hitpoints.
Splendid.
Therin, save me!
Let go of my mini.
Oh, Grim Reaper! Get off the table.
I beliebe I had an arm.
Thank you.
I think that's everything.
I think you're missing a section of wall there.
Really?
No, no I think that's everything.
Oh, my mistake.
Stupid cat.
Where's he gone?
There's a hidden door here!
Welcome to the temple of the true god.
I promise you this will be our final confrontation.
Sure you can do better.
As you wish.
What the fu...
It's from the trunk.
The book!
Destroy the book.
Flinn is alone with the book.
I stab it.....wait....I backstab it!!
You can't backstab it....you can't sneak attack an inanimate object!
Why not? It's prone.
It doesn't have a destroyable anatomy.
It's got a spine, doesn't it?
Bards suck...
That was unprecedented, Leo.
On the upside though you did give me a chance to finish casting my spell.
Which one?
Please.
He's not dead yet.
You....you think you have defeated me?
Pretty much! You did just explode.
Twice, actually.
You have only made him more powerful.
Can we please go to sleep now? I'm almost dead.
You can sleep when we're done here.
Seriously, I've got 1 hitpoint here.
Do you remember what Mort Kemnon said right before we killed him?
Bhgaaargrg?
No... "You have only made him more powerful." Who did he mean?
Death! Obviously his god...the source of his power.
Why would Death become more powerful after we've killed his greatest servant?
I don't think we have met the final enemy.
Super! Can we go to bed now?
In a minute, bard-boy. There's something we're missing.
There's some connection we haven't made.
You're creating phantoms were there are none. Our adventure has ended.
How do you mean?
We killed Mort Kemnon. We have the mask.
It's experience points and waffle time.
Our reputation is endured; we have beaten this challenge.
If we have beaten this challenge.....why are we still playing?
You raised our dinner from the dead.
Apparently..
It's awful.
I'm morally obliged to destroy this monstrosity.
.. What would the hierophant say?
I'm morally obliged to destroy this monstrosity.
.. What would the hierophant say?
He would congratulate you on your victory.
Your grace?? We were not expecting you.
We forgive you. The mask of death? You have obtained it?
Your grace?? We were not expecting you.
We forgive you. The mask of death? You have obtained it?
Yes, your grace.
Then the land shall finally know peace.
Quickly now. Hand it over so we may rush it to the cathedral.
What you ask is impossible, your grace.
We have sworn to return it to the king.
Aye, and he shall have it. Rest assured, we come with his blessing.
Now hand over the mask!
Your grace, I cannot...
This is not the time for personal glorys, Sir Osric.
You will hand over the mask!
Your grace has our answer.
This is treason! You have been corrupted by the mask!
I'm gonna die!
Yeah, you will.
See ya.
How you shame Therin by alligning with darkness.
He who stumbles around in darkness with a stick is blind...
..but he who...sticks out in darkness...is...
...fluorescent!
Loose 50 experience!
If you would worship death then do so at his side.
The light of Therin is withdrawn from you.
Turn!
I've lost my powers.
It's still good.
It is aparent, in the aftermath of the battle, that the hierophant..
...is your enemy.
Should have known that dude was evil.
Should have killed him when we had the chance.
See! That's why I kill so many NPCs. You never know!
At least we can ressurect Flinn.
Actually no. The staff is out of charges.
We must retrieve the mask.
The longer we wait, the more time the hierophant has to consolidate power.
It will take us days to cross the mountains.
We have not a moment to loose.
You journey swiftly back into the king's lands.
As you go you notice signs of decay that were not there when your adventure began.
You arrive to find the cathedral guarded by paladins.
They're gonna be looking for us.
We'll need a distraction.
They're gonna be looking for us.
We'll need a distraction.
What?
Hold peasant! What business brings you to Therin's temple?
Please father! My husband is dead.
Raise him with Therin's healing hand.
Your...husband?
Yeah, I'm so a woman.
Be that as it may,...
Death is a natural thing. We can't ressurect every man that falls.
Not even if I make a donation to the church?
Therin's blessing be upon you.
Escort this lady to the infirmary.
I...eh... Sorry, Bill.
That music....I've heard it before.
It's the hymnth of Therin. It calls forth the love of our goddess.
Alive? Good! It's time.
Keep that water handy.
Ok.
Hierophant! We beg an audience.
Ah! Uninvited guests.
Give us the mask.
And why would we do this?
It must be destroyed.
My dear boy. Why would I wish the mask destroyed?
It is evil. It must be destroyed for the glory of your goddess.
Ah! It is for the glory of our goddess that we shall wear the mask.
How can you not understand?
Before the threat Mort Kemnon, the people turned their backs on Therin.
They became complacent, unholy.
By depriving them of their goddess I've rekindled their faith.
Their fear of death trives them into the saving light of Therin!
When the king finds out what you have done...
The king? The king would not understand.
Now I rule as king, as hierophant and as avatar of our goddess!
I brought peace to this unworthy lands.
I ressurected the glory of the light!
And only I am deserving of the power of Therin!
Now...kneel before your new god!!
You have betrayed your vows and your goddess.
She will not stand for this blasphemy. And neither will I.
Then join her in the world beyond.
Now how did that go...??
Ah, yes...
# Brings me to Therin, goddess of the light...
- # Her grace... - Goddess?
Daphne, the heart! Therin is trapped in the heart.
I am your avatar!
The light of Therin be upon you.
Rise, Daphne.
You have freed me from my prison...
...and have my thanks.
Of all your fellows it was you..
...who never strayed from the path of godness and law.
And so, as reward, I shall grant you any one wish that you desire.
No way!
Limited or unlimited?
She's a goddess, dude! It's unlimited!
You could wish for anything.
Go for levels! You could be like 20th level everything.
No, no, no, gear! Gear! You could wish for everything that is in those books.
No, no, no! Don't think small!
Wish yourself immortal. Have her to make you a goddess as well.
I wish that you bring Sir Osric back to life.
As you wish...
That was awesome!
That's beautiful.
That is so freaking stupid!
I have seen stupid decisions before but that is the single most lame retarded one ever!
You wasted an unlimited wish! On an NPC!
How about wishing for more wishes, or advancing our levels,..
..or giving us magical items.
How about wishing for more wishes, or advancing our levels,..
..or giving us magical items.
How about wishing yourself immortal first and then ressurecting him yourself?
Good god! Could have had anything!
It's what my character would have done.
You could have been a god! I know mormones that would have killed for that!
What was the paladin to us?
He's not even a real character!
We can always get more NPCs.
He's not even a real character!
We can always get more NPCs.
You waste the greatest treasure in the game on nothing but a story decision.
Should have never gotten you in.
You ruined my game! That is it!
Should have never gotten you in.
You ruined my game! That is it!
Damn it, we're gamers! Haven't you learned anything?
So....what happens next?
Rise, Flinn!
You have my thanks! You shall be my herald and spread music and peace to all my people.
Leo, you gained a level of the Cantor prestige class.
Rise, Lester.
You have my thanks.
I would have you enter my service but I cannot have an evil person...
I'm not evil! I'm chaotic neutral. Right?
No.
- You are evil and a whore. - Totally.
Gary, you can't remeber any of your spells.
What did you do to me?
I've burned away your wickedness and made you whole again.
Game terms, please.
I replaced your levels of sorcerer with equal levels of cleric.
So I have to be.....good?
Yes.
Thanks??
Where's the monk?
He is gone. He disagreed with the wisdom of my decision.
Rise, Sir Osric. I deputize thy Lord High-Marshall of my paladins.
Go forth, heroes and spread my light..
...to the dark places of the world.
So I guess that means that the campaign is over, doesn't it?
This one is, yeah.
I had a good time.
Me too. That was different....but cool.
Mostly cool. I like the way you game.
Totally in agreement here.
Well...eh...thanks. Thanks for coming out, guys.
See ya.
Thank you, Lodge.
- Waffles? - Recognized!
- Awesome! - Very cool!
And of course, everybody gets promos.
Thank you.
I've got one for Cass, since he was in the campaign.
The story doesn't end here, does it?
Oh, no, no. Check it out! I have a cool new villain lined up.
I've got it from a friend of mine. He's kind of a ninja swashbuckler.
The shadow!
The shadow?
The shadow?
The shadow?!
Hi guys! What's up, Lodge?
Eh... why don't you guys go on into the room there. I'll be right there.
You've got something published. I know you worked really hard on it.
Thanks.
I had a look at it and ...ah...it's actually pretty well balanced to tell the truth, so...
Oh, I heard that you're starting a new campaign and...ah..
..you know...I was thinking that...eh..
If...you need another player.
I could stop by from time to time.
Why the change of heart?
You know...if I win....okay...the story ends..
..and I can't avoid to keep going.
Would you like to join the group, Cass?
Hey! I'm not doing anything else, yeah!
Why don't you join the group, Cass?
Ehm..... I ah...I'll be in the back. Just...ah...I'll be in the back room.
I....ah...I....ah.....I'am a dick!
Yes.
Yeah...
So, where does this new adventure start?
Oh, it starts about where you guys left off.
You have saved the kingdom and restored the peace.
Or have you??
I present to you Lord Osric of Whitetower.
Sit! Arise! Speak!
The mask of death! It's gone. Stolen by the shadow.
It must be recovered. Who will risk their life on this quest?
You guys just got here. Surely there's another hero in our kingdom..
..that would prefer to go in their place to certain death?
Alright...it seems unlikely.
Good luck, then. Off you go!