The Gnome-Mobile (1967) Movie Script

Get this on the Twix,
will you, Nell?
Chicken feed, Ralph I've said it once
I've said it a hundred times
I know, D.J.
Now, about Seattle...
Don't miss the meeting on the 23rd
I called the airport, Mr. Mulroney
The Boston plane is on time
Then I'd better be going
Can't keep these people waiting
How about the Henderson deal?
Wire them two million five
Take it or leave it
I wonder if you'd okay this, D.J.
Not another electronics company, Paul
[Snaps Fingers]
We can pick it up for a song And since
we've gone into plastics so heavily...
Plastic, toys, electronics
What next?
There's one thing you young fellas
seem to forget
We are in the lumber business
We started out in lumber
and lumber is still number one
Of course, D.J.
But if it'll make you happy,
go ahead and buy it
Well, thank you, sir
- Oh, not that one, Gregg The Rolls
- The Rolls? Right, sir
May I have your undivided attention
for 30 seconds, D.J.?
- Yes, Ralph
- I can't emphasize enough
the success of the Seattle deal
depends on your being there
I'll do my best to make it, but in case
I miss, you've got all the facts
That's not good enough They don't
want me or Logan or Winkler
They've been promised D.J. Mulroney
They want that 50,000 acres of timber
Now, that's our bait
- And don't you forget it
- Of course
But if you're not in Seattle,
the whole deal goes down the drain
I'll be there, Ralph
Now, will you please stop worrying?
Ah, there she is
As beautiful as the day
I first brought her home
Remember? We had just put together
that Saga tuck lumber deal
And all the profits went right into
this car I remember perfectly
Yeah Well, that was in the days
when I only had one million
Still had to impress people
- I'll be doing my own driving, Gregg
- Yes, sir
Special occasion I'm meeting
some very important people
You've only got a half an hour
to get to the airport
Don't worry I'll make it
I always do, don't I?
Five minutes early Why don't you run
your planes on time?
It was the tail wind, Mr. Mulroney
Well, it's very important that
I should be here to meet them
- We're very sorry
- Where are they? Where are they? Where...
- Hi, Grandfather
- Hi, Rodney
My goodness, but you've grown
And, Elizabeth...
Well, you look more like your mother
every time I see you
- How is she?
- Fine She told me to give you her love
- And Dad said he'll bring you
champagne from Paris - Good
That's the sort
of a son-in-law I like
Oh, how were these passengers?
Well behaved, I hope
The perfect travelers It was
a pleasure to have them with us
- Good-bye, Elizabeth
- Good-bye
Good-bye, Rodney
Where are we going, Grandfather?
Oh, I thought maybe we'd head up
the Redwood Highway
I used to take your mother there
when she was your age
Then we'll follow our noses
on up to Seattle
Can we go on the yacht?
I've got a new one now
4,000-horsepower diesel
Does 25 knots,
if she's pushed
- Oh, boy!
- Cost nearly a million dollars
Well, how come
if you're so rich
you drive a funny
old car like this?
"Funny old car"?
I tell you, young man, this is a fine
car You won't find its like anymore
- Well, it's certainly a pretty car
- Yes, but how fast does it go?
Oh, fast enough
to get us there
When I get a car,
it's going to be a Maserati
Oh, Rodney, you're always
talking so big
Oh, there's no harm
in that, son
When I was a young lad in Ireland, I always
dreamt of owning myself a jaunting car
A jaunting car?
Never heard of that make
Well, Rodney, my boy,
it was the Maserati of its time
Real cool Hot stuff
One horsepower
- One horsepower?
- Yes, sir
(music) In me jaunting car
me jaunting car (music)
(music)jogging' along
in me jaunting car (music)
(music) I'm the handsomest
sight by far (music)
(music)Jogging' along in me jaunting car
[Whistles, Honks Horn]
(music) Oh, the seats are leather
and face to face (music)
(music) The wheels go round
at a merry pace (music)
(music) And given a horse
that loves to race (music)
(music) I'll bet I could win
the steeplechase (music)
(music) In me jaunting car
me jaunting car (music)
(music)jogging' along in me
jaunting car (music)
(music) I'm the handsomest
sight by far (music)
(music)jogging' along in me
jaunting car (music)
[Whistles, Honks Horn]
(music) I called on
Jennifer Jane Magee (music)
(music) To come along on a
jaunt with me (music)
(music) Traveling merrily
near and far (music)
(music)She fell in love
(music) With me jaunting car (music)
(music) In me jaunting car
me jaunting car (music)
(music)jogging' along in me
jaunting car (music)
(music) I'm the handsomest
sight by far (music)
(music)jogging' along in me
jaunting car (music)
(music) In me jaunting car
me jaunting car (music)
(music)jogging' along
in me jaunting car (music)
(music) I'm the handsomest
sight by far (music)
(music)jogging' along in me
jaunting car (music)
- Lunchtime
- Great
Where's the restaurant?
Right here I thought it'd be fun to have
our first meal together in the open air
- Look, Rodney
- "Mulroney Grove"
Grandfather, are these
wonderful trees all yours?
Every single one of them
Mine, yours, everybody's
What did you do, buy 'em?
All that sign means is
that I had the privilege of seeing
that they'll always be here
- just for people to look at?
- Exactly
My, they're big
Must've taken
a long time to grow
Four thousand years
for some of them
Tuna Ham
So beautiful
Like being in fairyland
Don't go too far away now
Rodney's hungry, and there might not
be anything left when you get back
- Having trouble, son?
- No peanut butter and jelly
Oh, dig down They're probably
down near the bottom
You know, she...
she could be the one
I wouldn't if I were you
Don't do it
Well, all of them I've seen,
she's the one I think I could trust
- You can't trust any of them
- That's right That's right
- But I have to talk to someone
- [Owl] Talk to me
- Anytime
- [Blue Jay] And us
Just as much as you like
Well, I have talked to you,
all of you
And there's not one of you
can help me with my problem
- Don't do it, Jasper
- [Owl] Only mean trouble
- What trouble?
- Gnome hunters, that's what
Gnome hunters,
all over the place
Our woods will be full of 'em And none
of em can keep their mouths shut
Blab, blab, blab
- No peace for any of us anymore
- No peace at all No peace at all
My mind's made up
I, uh, didn't mean to frighten you
Oh, you didn't
Yeah, but I'll bet you're
surprised to see a gnome
Oh, not really
I was just thinking what a lovely place
this is for gnomes
Are there many of you living here?
Well, that's... that's my problem
If it weren't for that, I wouldn't be
showing myself to a doo-deen
A "doo-deen"?
Well, that's what we
call you big people
Am I the first doo-deen
you've ever spoken to?
Yeah, yeah All my friends
advised against it, but...
Well, I had to talk to someone
Well, if I'm the first doo-deen
you've ever spoken to
how is it you speak
such good English?
Uh, English?
The language we've been talking
Well, now, don't that beat all
And here I've been wondering how come
you spoke such good Gnomish
And my father would no more than
took his eyes off the leprechaun
for less time than it takes to say
"Seanny O'Shannon's shillelagh"
when, whoosh, the little creature up
and disappeared on him
You don't really believe in that
silly stuff, do you, Grandfather?
- Why not?
- There's still no peanut butter
- Oh, they probably got the labels mixed
- [Elizabeth] Grandfather!
Grandfather, please,
you've got to come quickly
- I promised him we'd be right back
- Promised who?
- The gnome The gnome!
- The what?
And he's got
a simply awful problem
Oh, not just a gnome, but a gnome with
a problem Now, that is something
- Hey, I found one
- Good
But, Grandfather,
he's waiting to talk to you
- To me? But why me?
- Because I told him
if anyone could help him
with his problem, it was you
- You've got to come He's waiting
- Well, come on, Rodney
We've got to go talk to a gnome
Now, Elizabeth, on the possibility
this little fellow isn't there...
- He'll be there
- About six inches high, I imagine
- Taller than that - Little yellow cap
and buckles on his shoes?
His hat was green,
and I didn't notice any buckles
I don't understand that
In all the stories about leprechauns...
I didn't say he was a leprechaun
He said he was a gnome
Oh, a gnome
Well, that's different
That's the place
I'm here! I've brought him!
Yoo-hoo! Jasper!
- His name's Jasper
- Oh?
- Jasper!
- Jasper!
The girl, all right,
I maybe could go along
But how about him?
You ever seen
a fiercer-looking' critter?
He, uh...
He does look awful shifty
about the eyes
Jasper! Jasper!
Maybe this is the wrong place
Forests can fool you
But, Grandfather,
this was the place
Well, it could be the little lep...
gnome had second thoughts
on seeing me, I mean
Now, a little girl, that's one thing,
but an old curmudgeon like myself...
- [Crying]
- And it could be in her imagination too
I didn't imagine him!
I did see him!
Of course you saw a gnome, darling'
But not with these eyes
These up here
That's where all the little folks live
Like gnomes, elves, leprechauns,
whatever you want to call them
But, Grandfather, honest,
I talked to him Jasper!
They're making her into a fool,
and all on account of me
Come on, darling
We best be getting back
Now, you must be
really hungry by now
But he was right there
He was right there
I can't let it end like this
Hey, you!
- She did too see a gnome!
- Who said that?
- I think it's him
- Uh-oh Now you've done it
Come on out and show yourself
Don't do it, Jasper Don't do it
What kind of a trick is that
to play on a little girl?
- Come on, darling
- Oh, Grandfather
Hold on, you!
- Jasper!
- Seanny O'Shannon's shillelagh
There, Grandfather, you see?
A gnome
You see him, Rodney?
I still think it's
Elizabeth's imagination
Jasper, this is my brother Rodney
and my grandfather
Glad to see you, Jasper
Say hello to him, Rodney
- Hi
- [Jasper] Is this the wizard you spoke of?
The one with all the solutions?
So you're the gnome
with the problem
Tell him what you told me
Well, instead of that, since seeing
is believing with you doo-deens
follow me
Come on!
Well, there's my problem
My old grandpa just lies there
a- growing' more "see-throughish"
with every passing' hour
What's making him
so see-throughish?
Well, I'm not an authority on gnomes
but if they're anything like
leprechauns, they live on and on
- But only if they want to
- You mean they just fade away?
Jasper, have you any idea what
made him lose his will to live?
Grandpa's given up all hope
of ever seeing me married
and having young'uns of my own
Why is that?
Well, Grandpa and me, we're,
uh, we're the last of the gnomes
There's no gnome maidens
for me to marry up with
Well, now, that is a serious problem
Jasper boy, is that you I hear?
It is, Grandpa
I'm, uh... I'm talking with some friends
Oh, that's nice
That's nice I'm happy for you
They're, uh, doo-deen friends
Mm, good
Now, go away... Doo-deens?
Now, Grandpa, before you get
your dander up, they mean to help us
Help from doo-deens?
You gone plumb out of your senses?
It's doo-deens that's been
the cause of all our troubles
I know that, Grandpa Only
these big'uns are, well, different
There isnt no such a thing
as a different doo-deen
That's why, in all my 900 years
I've never let one of em so
much as lay an eye on my boot
- Now, Grandpa, if I may...
- Not one step further, doo-deen
Ailing' I may be
but not enough to let you get ahold
of me without putting' up a fight
- My grandfather just wanted to help
- Help?
Saying' you could help,
why would you want to?
Because you've got a problem, and my
grandfather is good at solving problems
Well, you don't say
Jasper told me that there
are rumors about gnomes
living in other forests
Ah, idle clucking' of gossipy animals
And Grandfather's got a wonderful car,
and he'll drive you anywhere
- Won't you, Grandfather?
- Now, just a minute, darling'
- And what about the yacht?
- Oh, please, Grandfather
Well, dear, I do have
to be in Seattle
Supposing I was to go with you?
I hear tell how you big ones
treat free things in the forest
How you put 'em in cages
and sell 'em as curiosities
Exhibit 'em to other doo-deens
Oh, we'd never do that,
would we, Grandfather?
We'll give you our most solemn word
we won't even mention
your existence to another soul
Nobody would believe us anyway
It's our only chance, Grandpa
What do you say?
Well, not that I got any hopes
of finding' gnomes, mind you
but you do got somewhat of an honorable
look about your eyes, so...
We're going! Yahoo!
Oh, Grandfather, you're wonderful
We're going!
Well, if I may coin a phrase
he's jumping' out of the frying pan
into the fire
Yes, sir Smack into the fire
(music) [Whistling]
(music) The gnome-mobile
The gnome-mobile (music)
(music) Hunting for gnomes
in the gnome-mobile (music)
(music) Sooner or later
we feel that we'll (music)
(music)Find where they are
with the gnome-mobile
(music) In the gnome-mobile
The gnome-mobile (music)
(music) Hunting for gnomes
in the gnome-mobile (music)
(music) Sooner or later
we feel that we'll (music)
(music) Find where they are
in the gnome-mobile (music)
[Whistles, Honks Horn]
(music) As we ride along
through the countryside (music)
(music) We're keeping
our peepers open wide (music)
(music) Looking to find
where she may hide (music)
(music) The beautiful gnome
for Jaspers bride
(music)In the gnome-mobile
The gnome-mobile
(music) We're hunting for gnomes
in the gnome-mobile (music)
(music) Sooner or later we feel
that we'll (music)
(music)Find where she is
in the gnome-mobile
(music) Oh, the gnome-mobile
is a grand machine (music)
(music) The like of which
I have never seen (music)
(music) But you're going too fast
you big doo-deen (music)
(music) When I look where I'm going
that's where I've been
(music) In the gnome-mobile
The gnome-mobile (music)
(music) We're hunting for gnomes
in the gnome-mobile (music)
(music) Sooner or later
we feel that we'll (music)
(music) Find where they roam
in the gnome-mobile (music)
(music) In the gnome-mobile
The gnome-mobile (music)
(music) We're hunting for gnomes
in the gnome-mobile (music)
(music) Sooner or later
we feel that we'll (music)
(music) Find where they roam
in the gnome-mobile (music)
(music) [Whistles]
Well, I must say,
Jasper was right for once
- You doo-deens are different
- Thanks, Grandpa
You don't have to keep calling me
Grandpa The name's Knobby
Knobby, just call me D.J.
Everyone does
D.J. Don't come much shorter than that
Grandfather, where do we start
this gnome-hunting?
Well, I figure the most likely place
would be a virgin forest
Now, I happen to know of a 50,000-acre
patch of timber
that's never been touched by...
by doo-deens
- Is it very far?
- [D. J] Oh, we can't make it tonight
We'll have to stop over somewhere
But we'll make it easy in the morning
Jasper, what happened
to all the other gnomes?
Well, I was, uh, too little
to remember much about it
But I've heard it said that
they migrated, a lot of em
'Tweren't that at all
Well, what about all the fern seeds
failing' and the food getting' scarce?
- Why, I heard that...
- I don't care what you "heard"
I'm telling' you I was there
It was the chopping' down of the trees
that made the gnomes disappear
I remember it
like it was yesterday
Everything was
so pleasant and peaceful
Everybody minding'
their own business
Then all of a sudden, "Timber!"
Trees started
a- coming down, a-falling'.
And a-crashing' like giants,
they came down
It was "timber" on the right
and "timber" on the left
And the gnomes
a- panicking' and a-running'
and a-falling' down and
a- bumping' into each other
And coming' right behind 'em
all the time was the big axes
a- slashing' and a-cutting'
and, "Timber!"
Grandpa, I remember the...
You remember nothing'
You weren't no bigger'n that
I grabbed you in my arms
and started to run
And right behind me
I hear, "Timber!"
And I looked back
over my shoulder
and here come one of those giants
falling' right at me
- How did you escape?
- I didn't It landed right on me
Did it kill you?
No I ducked down
a rabbit hole
But I was under that there tree
for 40 days and 40 nights
And when I finally
dug myself out
there were dead trees everywhere
and nary a gnome in sight
- How awful
- Oh, the carnage
And them infernal axe swingers
They wouldn't give up
They kept a-coming' and a-coming'
And the worst of em all
was that Mulroney outfit
- Mulroney?
- But, Grandfather...
Shh! Don't interrupt
while he's talking
I never seen the blackguard
himself face-to-face
but I see them henchmen
of his often enough
a- slashing and a-cutting'
and a-destroying'.
"Mulroneys Marauders,"
we called 'em
Now, just a minute
It so happens
that my grandfather is...
In complete accord
with you, Knobby
Any vandal who cuts down trees
indiscriminately ought to be...
Well, he ought to be
taken out and horsewhipped
Yes, sir
Thoroughly horsewhipped
Well, here we are Everything secure
in the gnome department?
Oh, please get down, Knobby
You don't want
the other doo-deens to see you
Packing' us in here like we was
a couple of sandwiches
And me, at my age
I'll take this Thanks
Hey, you! You can't park
that thing there
I won't be staying long,
my good man
The name is Quaxton of
Quaxton's Academy of Fantastic Freaks
Brilliant show
Don't miss it
(music) [Rock On Radio]
Hello, sport
Well, you look like
an intelligent patron of the arts
Accept these free tickets
with my compliments
A rare opportunity to enlarge
the experience and broaden the mind
Two bedrooms and a sitting room
in one of the cottages?
Oh, you are the lucky one, sir
There's one left
Oh! [Screams]
I'm very sorry, sir, but dogs
are not allowed in the hotel
- But they're not dogs -
They're geese - [Knobby] Geese?
Shh Grandpa, Grandpa, shh
- [Muffled Yells]
- And very well trained too
I'm very sorry, sir, but the rule
is unbreakable No pets of any kind
Who said anything about pets?
These geese happen to be
investments Business investments
Royal Abyssinian geese
And very rare
You do not seem
to understand, sir
This hotel does not permit
any animals of any kind whatsoever...
Oh, Mr. Mulroney
- Oh, I am so...
- [Knobby] Mulroney!
- The marauder himself We've been trapped
- Shh
Let me out of here!
Grandpa, be quiet
[Muffled Screams]
(music) [Loud Music]
Here Show Mr. Mulroney
to his room
[Yelling Continues]
A little action, please
Quick, quick, quick
You unlock this thing
Let me out of here
Pardon me, sir Are those voices
coming from there?
Correct A peculiar trait
of Abyssinian geese
They make sounds
just like people
You hear me? Answer me
(music) [Continues]
[Knobby Shouting]
That's fine Thank you
Thank you Set it down
- Thank you, sir
- That's all right
All right, Rodney
You can turn off the music now
We've been trapped Let me out of here
Let me out Let me out
Grandpa, be quiet
- You conniving', double-dealing' doo-deen
- Now, Grandpa, settle yourself down
How can I settle myself down
when I find myself traveling' in
the very company of me own worst enemy?
Knobby, that is not so
Unscrupulous, lying' prevaricator
Getting' us to leave our Redwood
sanctuary under false pretenses
Oh, but he's a scheming' one
- He did it for you
- We'd rather be in Seattle
Oh, don't give me none your druthers,
you... you Mulroney-in-the-making'
[D. J] All right, Knobby
Enough of this yelling now
You want to arouse
the whole neighborhood?
Grandpa, even saying'
what you're sayings true...
Of course it's true
Are you insinuating your
own grandfather's a liar?
No, Grandpa I'm only asking you to give
Mr. Mulroney a chance to explain
I am not listening to nothing more
that one's got to say
Lying', cheating', scheming'...
Knobby Knobby
Calm down now and listen a minute
I'm only trying to help
Ah, no, you don't, Mulroney
I fell for that line afore
Now, I'm a little different
from a lot of other lumbermen
You can say that again
You're the worst
- You want to find gnomes, don't you?
- Not with you, I don't
Knobby, supposing, just
for the sake of argument
that everything you say
about me is true?
- Ah, then you admit it
- I do not admit anything
I'm only saying that even if
it were true, that's all in the past
Yesterday Let's talk about tomorrow
Whose tomorrow? Yours?
No Yours, you rock-headed
little mule, and Jasper's
Now, we're doing everything
we can to help you
And I told you I don't want nothing'
to do with no help from you
Grandpa, please, just try to hear
Mr. Mulroney out Try to trust him
I rather trust a predatory vulture
with a hungry eye
and an empty belly
All right, Knobby, I've had it
I've tried everything
even humbled myself in the hope
that you'd see the light
And hope is all you've got left, you
stubborn old donkey This is the end
Tomorrow morning, first light of day,
we're going back to the Redwoods
And we're going to drop you off
and be free of you
And from that moment on, as far as
I'm concerned, you never even existed
And that goes for me too
But, Grandfather...
Now, I'm going to get the car serviced, and
I don't want to waste a minute tomorrow
- Can I come with you?
- Yes, come on
Without a doubt, the most
exasperating, ornery gnome I ever met
Then do we go right on
to Seattle, Grandfather?
And the yacht
And the sooner the better, son
- Where's the nearest service station?
- Turn right
two blocks, at the corner
of Elm and Grange
Thank you
[Man On TV]
Here in nature's kingdom
dwell the regal giants
of the forest
the great sequoias,
monarchs of all they survey
Pictures, Grandpa,
from right out in the air
Well, take a look
It'll make you feel better
I am not going to feel better
till I get out of here
Older than written history itself,
they tower above their surroundings
Look It's the Redwoods
Yet, in man's scheme of things,
these great trees have practical use
as well as aesthetic value
Well, what do you know?
My Redwoods
From these forests,
selected trees are taken
And when the lumberjack's cry
of "timber" echoes through the woods...
[Grandpa Yelling]
The bloody black hearted
blackguard doo-deens!
- [Grandpa Yelling]
- Timber! And another giant comes down
to serve the needs of mankind
- Settle down, Grandpa
- [Click]
Shh Now, calm yourself
Hello Yes
I'm sorry to be the one to tell you,
miss, but there's been an accident
A bad accident
Oh, no Not grandfather
I'm afraid so It's your
grandfather's Rolls-Royce
Is he hurt?
- Well, he can't talk to you right now
- But where is he?
- Where did it happen?
- At the corner of Elm and Grange
And he wants you
to come right away
I'll be right there
- They don't make 'em like this anymore
- You're right there, sir
These new jobs are all right
on the highway
but you take a car like this,
it's built to go places
Yes, sir That'll be 620, sir
Out of 10
Keep the change It's nice to talk
to a man who appreciates cars
- Yes, sir Thank you, sir
- [Tires Screech]
- Grandfather, you're all right!
- Of course we're all right
They said there'd been an accident,
that you and Rodney were hurt
- Who told you?
- Someone on the telephone
In the car, quickly
Watch out, sir!
Yeah All right
Thank you
Only what I expected
Nobody in the hotel saw anything
Why don't you call the police?
No, not the police Tell the police,
and the papers would be full of it
That's just what we promised
Knobby wouldn't happen
This is a job
for my own security staff
I can trust my own team,
and that's just what we need now
Operator, would you get me
person-to-person San Francisco,
Mr. Ralph Yarby?
- How am I doing, Doc?
- Sound as a dollar
- [Woman] Mulroney Medical
- I only hope D.J. checks out as well
- If I can ever get him up here
- Oh, yes He's here
Mr. Yarby, it's for you
D.J.'s on the line
D.J., where are you? We've been
trying to reach you for...
Ralph, they're gone Missing
- Gone? Not...
- That's right
- Kidnapped
- Well, have you notified the police yet?
Ralph-boy, they're the last ones
in the world I want to call now
Good thinking, D.J.
The press get a hold of this
and the kidnappers get scared
and the children have had it
Who said anything about children?
Now, listen, Ralph
this is going to be hard for someone like you
to accept, but you've got to believe me
- Do you understand?
- Well, I always understand, D.J.
Well, it's the gnomes
who have been kidnapped
The gnomes
Uh, D.J., something seems to have
gone wrong with the phone
Would you mind
repeating that last?
Can you hear me now?
You're coming through clear now
I said a pair of gnomes
Little people
Now, there's not
a minute to lose
I want you to put our security people
on this right away And I mean right now!
Uh, right now Right away
And remember, nobody's to know about
this besides our own people
or there's no telling
what might happen
You couldn't be more right, D.J.
Look Where are you right now?
Cedar Creek Lodge
Right I'll fly up there
and meet you there tonight
All right Good-bye
Get me security
This isn't a case for security
What D.J. needs now
is a psychiatrist
- You think he's lost his marbles?
- I'll get in touch with Conrad Ramsey
He's got a place not far from there
An old estate he's turned
into a private sanitarium
D.J. will never sit still
for a psychiatrist
Suppose he thinks he's meeting
a private detective?
An expert with a great organization
for handling cases such as this
Well, yes
Yes, I think that might work
I still wish you'd brought a couple
of our own security men along
Our men are good, D.J.
but as you just said, this is a special
case, and it needs a special man
But this Ramsey guy, has he handled
cases like this before?
One after another
Funny I never heard of him
Good evening, gentlemen
Welcome to Five Oaks
Quite a place you've got here
You know, this Ramsey
must do all right
This layout makes Brinks and Pinkerton
look like a couple of pikers
In all honesty, D.J., you can't even
put them in the same category
Now, don't say
it can't be done
Yarby tells me that you often work
on cases like mine
- Oh, yes, Mr. Mulroney All the time
- Locating lost gnomes?
Well, gnomes, no
But we have uncovered
some strange things in our time
- Very well, then
- Now, getting back to the little men
You say you first saw them
in the Redwoods?
That's right We took them
as far as Cedar Creek with us
And that's where
they were kidnapped
- Where they disappeared, you mean
- I said they were kidnapped
- and I mean kidnapped!
- Yes, yes, yes
Now, during the trip, did anybody else see
them besides you and your grandchildren?
Someone else had to see them, of course,
or how would they have gotten kidnapped?
Well, that's a good question
Yes, and that's one that you have
to find the answer to
you've said thus far
leads me to believe
that you did see gnomes
Of course I saw them!
What do you think I'm doing here?
But not with these eyes
With those up here
That is where all the little people,
the gnomes, the gremlins
or whatever you like
to call them live
Ralph, this guy thinks I'm nuts
- Now, D.J., just calm...
- I say he thinks I'm nuts!
- He thinks that I'm nuts!
- Not "nuts, '"Mr. Mulroney
Just, shall we say, over fatigued
What is this, Ramsey?
Who are these fellas?
Uh, my assistants
- Would you come with me, please?
- Yarby, what have you done?
Yarby, you double-crosser I ought to
break you in a dozen pieces!
Let go of me, you thugs
Let go of me Yarby, you're fired!
Why are you doing this to me?
[Shouting, Indistinct]
[TV: Gunshots, Shouting]
Don't you think it's about time
for bed, children?
We'll wait up for grandfather
Well, he's liable to be tied up
for a long time
[Phone Rings]
Hello Grandfather?
Oh It's for you
Thank you, Rodney
I'll take it in the bedroom
Wait just a minute
You can hang up now, Rodney
Thank you
Rodney, that is not nice
Mr. Yarby, am I glad
to hear from you
- How are the children?
- Fine Only...
Well, I'm sure
they suspect something
Oh, I was afraid they might
Are you free to talk?
- Yes
- Well, uh
here's the way things
shape up from here
It's much worse
than we thought
D.J. got violent
- Oh, how awful
- He's going to be here for quite some time
Dr. Ramsey's fixed up a room
for me next to D.J.'s
So, if you want me for anything,
at least for the next couple of days
you can call me
at this number
Uh, Ramsey's Five Oaks
Room 302 Got it?
- Got it
- Fine
Thank you, Mr. Yarby
Gee, it must be getting late
- I'm bushed
- Me too
Guess we might just
as well get to bed
That does sound like
a good idea, doesn't it?
- Good night
- Good night, Rodney
- Good night
- Good night, Elizabeth
They've got Grandfather locked up
They think he's nuts
But they can't Not grandfather
What are you doing?
We're going to rescue him
But we don't know
where this Five Oaks is
It's down the road
I saw it as we came in
Come on
- Do you really think we should?
- Sure Why not?
But you haven't got a license
Of course not
I'm too young to have a license
And what if you get caught?
Look, it's Grandfather's car,
isn't it?
And we're taking it
to him, aren't we?
And it is an emergency, isn't it?
[Engine Starts]
You'll have to help
Get down by the pedals
Push that one down
Now, let it up
Well, let's try another gear
[Gear Grinding]
Get ready to stop
What are you taking those for?
To make sure that
I'm ready for anything
You stay here
Grandfather and I'll be back soon
How will you be able
to find Grandfather's room?
- I mean, you cant just ask
- I won't have to
I know it's on the third floor
I'll just listen
No one's got a snore like Grandfather
[Snoring Loudly]
How is he?
Is he all right?
Relax, Mr. Yarby
He's sleeping like a baby Listen
[Door Opens, Shuts]
- Quiet, boy It's nothing
- [Barking]
Grandfather Psst
Why, you little rascal
[Door Rattling]
[Snoring Loudly]
[Snoring Continues]
I don't sound that bad, do I?
- Well, let's start snoring off this bar
- [Both Snoring]
[Snoring, Saw Grinding]
[Snoring, Grinding Continue]
Now, then, in the old days
I used to bend a bar
twice this size
I'll get it on the next exhale
It's not scary as long
as you don't look down
Young man, I was climbing trees and
topping them out before you were born
- This is the difficult part
- Won't worry an old high-climber like me
You just be very careful
Oh, sure
Grandfather, you hurt?
Nope, son
It's the old Mulroney luck
Fall in a glasshouse and come up
smelling like a petunia
Let's get out of here
- [Alarm Blaring]
- What happened? What's wrong?
- He's gone
- D.J.! Oh, no!
- [Alarm Continues]
- Faster, Grandfather Faster
I'm going as fast as I can
There he is!
Come on!
After him, Duke
Up here in the tree!
Watch out, Grandfather!
Hurry, Grandfather
D.J., come back!
Come back!
Help me
You shouldn't have done it, D.J.
- Anybody on our tail?
- Nobody in sight, Grandfather
- [Elizabeth] What do we do now?
- Can't say, darling'
But one thing's for sure
Whatever it is, we do it alone
Sure can't count on
that Mulroney team
Next question is,
who could've seen the gnomes?
The desk clerk?
- I doubt it
- Maybe the bellboy
I know The fellow with
the fantastic freaks
Fantastic freaks?
He was in the lobby putting up posters
and he gave me these
"Quaxton's Fantastic Freaks"
Highway 175
South of Homerville, huh?
Rodney, my boy, you've just hit on
a very possible possibility
[D. J]
Here it is
It sure is a crummy-looking place
Oh, I do hope they're all right
You two wait here
This shouldn't take long
- Hold it, you
- What's happening', Char...
Breaking' and entering',
it looks like to me
- Breaking and entering?
- Look Five Oaks
Five Oaks? Ain't that some kind of
a nuthouse or something?
Mister, I'm perfectly sane,
and I can explain all this
Get on the phone, Etta Call the cops
I'll keep the loony covered
Wait a minute You tell me where I can
find this fella Quaxton, I'll be on my way
- Go on, Etta Call the cops
- Grab 'em, men!
Reach, mister
All right, you two I don't care
whether you believe me or not
- I want to know where this Quaxton is
- He's getting' violent
You doggone right I am
And there's no time to argue
- Two lives are at stake
- Two lives?
And I'm warning you, if you hold anything
back and anything happens to those two...
to those two lives... I'll see to it that
both of you are arrested as accomplices
Look, mister,
we only work for Quaxton
Oh, Etta,
you don't believe this loony?
Well, I don't know whether I do or not
But I'd believe almost anything
about Horatio Quaxton
- And that phone call
- Be quiet
- Quaxton's up to something, and you know it
- Be quiet
- What phone call?
- Oh, five, six hours ago
- He said to run things till he got back
- Etta!
- Got back from where?
- Well, his mountain cabin, probably
- I told you to keep quiet
- Mountain cabin? Where is it?
Oh, somewhere around Homerville
A little road called, uh, Old Willow
But-But we arent sure he's there,
mind you But he could be
Well, in case
we don't find him there
and you hear from him again
there's double that in it for you
[Car Starts]
Oh, Charlie, look!
"I owe you $5,000 D.J. Mulroney"
Huh! Told you he was tetched
Fill 'er up
Hold it a minute
How much money you kids got?
[Coins Jangling]
Thirty-five, thirty-six thirty-seven...
Thirty-nine cents
- How about you, Elizabeth?
- [Coins Jangling]
Um, a quarter and two nickels
Better make it two gallons
A man named Quaxton
has a cabin around here
- Do you know where it is?
- Nope
- Do you know him?
- Nope
Well, I know he has a place here
Well, that puts you one up on me,
don't it?
Well, how about the Old Willow Road?
Do you know where that is?
- Yep
- Well, where?
About two dirt roads back
- Thanks
- That's 72 cents
Here's 74
Keep the change
Last of the big spenders
[Knobby] Oh, why'd I ever
leave my Redwoods?
This is all my fault, Jasper
[Jasper] Grandpa, I'll get you
out of here, I promise
If I'd had sense enough to stay where
I belonged, we'd never be in this mess
- It's no use, Jasper
- Now, Grandpa, we'll get out of here
but we got to do it
before he gets back
Don't bother about me
I'm only a burden to you
- I'm too old
- No, Grandpa
Ending up cooped up like this...
Come on, Grandpa
Oh, my poor legs
I can't even climb out of here,
let alone escape
You leave that to me
Maybe if you go
with that Quaxton fella...
be in his show like he said...
you'd make out
- I would spit on a doo-deen
like that Quaxton - [Yells]
Well, maybe so
Do as you like
Me, I'm wanting to fade away
and call it quits
Oh, that's enough of
that kind of talk, Grandpa
Come on
We're getting out of here
Supposing' we do escape?
What good's it going to do us?
We're the last of the gnomes,
you and me
This is the...
it's the end of the line
Grandpa, look There's a beautiful
forest down the road a piece
Now, you'll feel more yourself
- When we get you back where you
belong now... - [Car Approaching]
Quick! That's him!
I keep telling you, boy,
I'm too old
[Grunts] Here we are, gents...
gnome burgers
Hey, you sneaky little weasel!
Come back here!
Keep going, Grandpa! Keep going!
I'll catch up with you later!
Oh, no, you won't
Oh, no, you don't!
Oh, now, look, little fella
You and me have
great things ahead of us
Great things!
Oh, you have no idea
I got idea enough
Oh, now, don't be like that
Well, well, aren't you
the lively little fellow though, huh?
Which is more than can be said
for your old grandpa
Oh, but never mind him
Don't you see? We don't have to
cut him in on this
It's just you and me
and $ 1 million
One whole cool million dollars
- waiting for us to come and pick it up
- Uh-uh
Stand back, Quaxton
I'm warning you
Come one step closer
and I'll shoot
Oh, come on now, little fella
I'm not trying to hurt you
Besides, the gun
isn't even loaded
[Hammer Clicks]
See? What did I tell you?
Now, you should, uh, should
learn to listen to me
- once in a while
- [Hammer Clicks]
Now, you shouldn't
have done that, little friend
You just might have hurt me
Fact is,
you might have killed me!
All right, Quaxton,
care to try again?
I've got you
Now, my little fish...
Oh, back you come
[Chuckling, Giggling]
[Quaxton] I'm warning you
Don't make me mad
When I get mad, I get dangerous,
and I'll wring your neck if I have to
Now remember, young fella
I can make just as much money
with a stuffed gnome
So from now on, I think you better
play it my way, huh?
I mean it This is your last chance
I'm through being nice, kid
Now, you hold still
or I'll break you in pieces
Are you all right?
Yeah, but Grandpa's gone and I'm...
I'm worried about him
He's wanting to fade away
- You skunk!
- Now, now, now, take it...
- You low-down, unmitigated scoundrel!
- Mr. Mulroney
- let's watch our language in front of
the children - You unscrupulous doo-deen!
Now, now, now, now, please! Watch it
I wasn't trying to hurt him
Honest I wasn't I was only trying
to make a little deal
Wait just a minute!
He's my gnome
You said you wanted
nothing more to do with him
- Where's Knobby?
- There's a forest down the road
I said I'd meet him there
Now, look, Mr. Mulroney
You're a businessman
I have a proposition to make
to you on a good thing
Listen, you're missing a...
You're missing a bet!
There's a fortune in it
for all of us!
Have you seen anything of an old gaffer
and a couple of kids
- in a Rolls-Royce?
- Rolls-Royce? Like that one?
Yes, like that one
Hey, that's it!
What are we waiting for?
After 'em!
- [Tires Screeching]
- Hey!
- [Clanking]
- Oh, no! [Groans]
- [Clanking Continues]
- [Moaning]
Grandpa, there's
somebody tailing us
Anybody we know?
- It's Mr. Yarby
- Mr. Yarby? Well, well, well
[Tires Squealing]
Keep out of sight, Jasper
All right, Mr. Mulroney
But why, Grandfather?
Why not stop and let them see him?
That would prove
you weren't crazy
Not on your life, honey
It'll be a cold day in the tropics
when D.J. Mulroney
does anything just to prove to Ralph
Yarby that he's got all his marbles
Faster, man, faster
Yes, Mr. Yarby
- They're gaining on us!
- Oh, no!
They won't for long
Let's see how well they keep up
when the going gets rough
[Tires Squealing]
[Tires Squealing]
Jasper, I thought I told you
to keep out of sight
I'm trying to, Mr. Mulroney
- Look where you're going, man!
- I can't see the road for the trees!
Don't stop, stupid
Get going! Get going!
Get that hood closed
We can't see where we're going
I know, Mr. Yarby, but how?
Give her the gas!
Full speed ahead!
I said ahead!
Put on the brakes!
Maybe you'd care to try
They're with us again
Well, let's see
how they are on cornering
Hold tight, everybody!
Whee! I take it all back,
This is some car!
Just some fenders
Nothing to worry about
[Nervous Laugh]
Turn! Turn! Turn!
Mr. Yarby, would you
care to drive?
What did we lose now?
Only the rear wheels
Look out, Ralph!
They don't make 'em
like they used to, huh, Ralph?
- Grandpa!
- [D. J] Knobby!
- [Children] Knobby!
- Yoo-hoo!
- Knobby!
- Where are you? Knobby!
- Where are you?
- Knobby!
Grandpa, show yourself!
- Knobby!
- Grandpa!
You don't think
he's faded away?
Oh, no! Knobby!
- Knobby!
- Where are you?
- [Knobby] Yahoo! Yahoo!
- Shh!
- I think I hear something
- Yahoo!
Yahoo! Yahoo! Yippee!
- Grandpa, what's happened? What's got
into you? - Mulroney, you were right
- We arent the only gnomes in the world
- Yippee!
- Rufus?
- Yes?
Come on out and meet
my doo-deen friends
Oh, yes, well, any friend of Knobby's
is a friend of ours
- Hello, doo-deens Welcome
- Well, thank you
- It's nice to be here
- Hi
And is this the young one who would
like to meet some other gnomes?
Yes, sir I-I sure would
Well, all right
My boy, if you were afraid that you
were the last of the gnomes, take heart
[Laughs] There's lots of us...
and here's the proof
You needn't ever
be lonesome again
Something ailing' you, boy?
Arent you glad to find more gnomes?
Well, yeah, Grandpa
only, uh, uh...
Well, what about the, uh, uh...
- Well, you know what I mean
- All right, out with it!
- What do you mean?
- Knobby...
I think what the boy's trying to say is,
"Are there any girl gnomes?"
[Laughs] Well, of course
How stupid of me
Rufus here has more girl gnomes than
he knows what to do with Right, Rufus?
Oh, you know I have
My goodness Have I got girls!
I've got big girls... you know,
I really mean big ones
And little girls You want a little one?
I've got medium-sized ones
Have I got girls
I've got some that...
I'll show you Girls?
Come on out, girls!
The eligible gnome is here
[Shouting, Giggling]
Stop this! Hold it!
Now, don't lose your heads, girls
Back there Back there
Go Line up Line up, now
Girls are so silly
- Don't you think so?
- No
Which one do you like,
- Well, now, it's kind of hard to say
- I like them all
Well, don't stand there
like a stump, boy
You come looking for a bride
Get going
Go on, go on
This is no time to be bashful
Go ahead, boy! Go ahead!
That one's Poppy
And the next, that's Petunia
Named after a flower, you know
That's Heather,
and that one is Morning Glory
That's a lovely name
Oh, Jasper, that's Snapdragon
By the way, she's my niece, Jasper
She's the one I think he'll like,
you know, my niece
[Laughing] Yeah, she's the one
I think you'll like
Oh, that next one...
that's Buttercup
That's Daisy Daisy
That's a pretty name
Isn't it? He must be getting old
And-And Thistle Down
And that's Primrose
And there's Dewdrop
[Laughs] Dewdrop
How pretty, that... Azalea
And that's Pearblossom
"Pearblossom" That's two words
made into one, you know
And last but not least,
poor Violet there
A bit bashful, I'm afraid
Uh, hi
Well, come on, boy If that's the one,
go ahead and take her
Oh, no, you don't
And why not?
He's picked the one he wants
The one he wants?
Oh, my goodness
It's not the male
that picks his mate
It's the "she-male"
that picks the date
It'll all end out all right
It's the oldest law in nature
- I never heard such nonsense
- What are you talking about, Knobby?
You know that whenever we have
a bumper crop of females
we like to give every maiden a chance
You mean he's stuck
with whoever picks him?
Now you're getting it
Prepare the eligible gnome!
[Chattering, Laughing]
What are they doing to Jasper?
Oh, just a little complication
You know, I thought of it myself
- It makes for a little more fun
- "Fun"?
[D. J Laughs]
- A greased gnome
- A what?
It's like a greased pig chase
back in Ireland
The one who catches him
gets to keep him
It's not very romantic, is it?
Form your circle!
All right, girls, you all know
the rules
You've got to hang on to your gnome
for a count of seven
Is that clear?
On your mark
Get set
- Go!
- [Horn Blares]
Aw, keep quiet!
Run for it, Jasper!
Head for the tall timber!
[Chattering, Laughing]
[Knobby] Watch it, boy!
They're tricky!
For a man to win this game, he's got
to have eyes in the back of his head
- Ow! -
Oh! - Oh!
What's happening?
Where's Jasper?
He's escaped Hey, look!
Psst! Violet! Catch me!
Good girl, Snapdragon!
How'd you like
that snappy catch, Knobby?
[Shouting, Chattering]
- Whoops!
- [Both Laughing]
Get in there, Violet!
It's anybody's gnome!
Catch me
Now's your chance
Well, hurry up
Grab me before it's too late
- Now, girl, now!
- Go on! Go ahead!
- [Chattering, Shouting]
- [Knobby] Grab him!
Oh, no! Did you ever see
such a backward female?
[Girls Clamoring]
Atta girl!
Reminds me of the time
I was chasing this greased pig...
Plumb disgusting! There isnt
going to be much left of the boy
when whoever
gets him, gets him
Dodge 'em, son!
Dodge em!
Look below you, boy!
Below you!
Come on, Violet!
Get in there! Get in there!
- She's got him!
- Hold on! Oh, hold on!
How do you like that, you old coot?
Hang on, Violet
You've got your gnome
- Start counting
- One
- three...
- Faster!
Stop interrupting me
You know I always get flustered
when I get, uh, stuttered...
when I get stuttered...
I mean, I get...
Look what you've...
F- F-F-Four
f- f-five
s... What comes after five?
- Six!
- Oh
- S-S-Six...
- Seven!
- Oh, no
- There he is
She got him!
- Who's got him?
- Well, start counting
One, two
five, six
It's Violet!
It's Violet!
- It's Violet!
- It's Violet
Violet is the official winner
By the power and authority
vested in me by
the Gnomish Council of Elders
I now pronounce you
gnome and wife
Well, go ahead, boy
Kiss her Kiss her
Do I have to do
everything for you?
[Murmuring, Laughing]
Folks Folks!
May I have your attention, please?
To honor this memorable occasion
sort of as a wedding present
I am deeding to the gnomes
50,000 acres of virgin Redwoods
To be yours for eternity...
and even longer
Any and all
young married couples
who want to come along
and start a new colony...
there's a gnome-mobile
leaving immediately
Three cheers
for D.J. Mulroney!
- Hip, hip...
- [Together] Hooray!
- Hip, hip...
- Hooray!
(music) In the gnome-mobile
The gnome-mobile (music)
(music) We're rolling along
in the gnome-mobile (music)
(music) Oh what a wonderful way
to feel (music)
(music) Rolling along
in the gnome-mobile (music)
(music)In years to come
I can guarantee
(music) A dozen grandchildren
at your knee (music)
(music) And everyone of em
proud to claim (music)
(music) Mulroney is
me middle name (music)
(music) In the gnome-mobile
The gnome-mobile (music)
(music) We're rolling along
in the gnome-mobile (music)
(music) Oh, what a wonderful
way to feel (music)
(music) Rolling along
in the gnome-mobile (music)
(music) In the gnome-mobile
The gnome-mobile (music)
(music) We're rolling along
in the gnome-mobile (music)
(music) Oh, what a wonderful
way to feel (music)
(music)Rolling along
in the gnome-mobile