The Harry Hill Movie (2013) Movie Script

Watch out, mate!
Slow down.
Get off the pavement.
Out of the way, baldy.
Hi! I'm Harry and this is my movie!
- You can do it!
- I can see the head.
Keep going, you're nearly there.
Push! Push! Push!
- It's a girl.
- Thanks, Harry.
Come on, get it open. Come on.
- Thanks, Harry.
- Don't mention it.
Why didn't you let me pass, Nan?
I thought you were someone else.
Mrs Pickford's not been the same
since her dog died.
Well, at least this new one
seems to do as it's told.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
- Did you get the chicken?
- I knew I'd forgotten something.
- You'll have to get one out the coop.
- I hate doing that.
Well, then there's
no mid-week roast.
You and your set menu.
Looks like I'm henned in!
Dinner is sewed.
And I picked these up
for breakfast too.
Harry, love, sit down.
- It's time I told you something.
- What is it, Nan?
You have got
a long-lost twin brother called...
Otto, I know. There's pictures
of him everywhere.
What, and I've told
you this before?
Yeah, for some reason
every-time we have eggs!
Can I tell it you again, anyway?
Well you're going to so...
Many years ago,
when you was just a boy...
- What's happened to your voice?
- It's my flashback voice.
Many years ago,
when you was just a boy...
Get on with it, Nan.
Your mother and father
left me to look after you and Otto
while they went off on a romantic
mini-break for two.
To Butlins...
but they never came back.
I thought they'd been killed
in a freak wave pool accident.
But I later discovered
there were so many attractions on
offer they just couldn't leave.
There was tennis and
archery, falconry.
There's entertainment every night from top
entertainers from the past like Lulu.
- Lulu?
- Yes.
I couldn't look after both of you,
so I did what any responsible
grandparent would do
and I sent Otto to live with a
family of Alsatians near Kettering.
And that was the last...
saw of him.
So, he was brought up by Alsatians?
Oh, yes. It's more common
than you'd think.
But you and me Harry,
we've been happy living
together ever since.
Yeah, about that.
It's not ideal is it?
Well, it's difficult for me
to bring girls back.
- Girls?
- You send me to bed at nine,
you always leave the toilet seat up
and why should you have
the top bunk?
Are you trying to tell
me something, Harry?
Maybe it's time you thought
about moving...
Come on, Nan.
Abu, are you all right?
I'll check on him.
He's a bit under the weather.
He looks alright to me.
It would seem that something...
has disagreed with him.
Let's drive.
But take it easy, Nan,
just in case he's sick again...
You got those wet wipes Nan?
"Gone but not fur-gotten".
"A loving and special friend"?
Well, that's a good start.
She says we need an appointment.
- But this is an emergency.
- I'm sorry, but we're very busy
and there's absolutely no way
you can see the vet
without a pre-booked appointment.
The vet will see you now...
Nice tracksuit.
Yes. A rash; red and swollen
round the thighs,
some green discharge,
OK. Bye, Mum.
Now, where were we?
- Excessive vomiting.
- Ah, right.
We can give him something
for that. Come here.
But to get to the bottom of it, we're
going to need to run some tests.
Will they look
sinister in a montage?
I'm afraid so.
Harry, take a seat.
- I think you might need a drink.
- Thank you.
I thought it was tangy.
Well, that was misleading.
When you pointed to the...
I was pointing at the chair.
Listen, Harry. It's bad
news, I'm afraid.
You see these
areas here... and here.
Yes. Like I say, 'not good'.
And the test results, well - ouch!
- Can he be...?
- Cured? No.
Poor Abu.
- How long's he got?
- Oh I don't know! A week tops.
Which is why I'd like to ask
the nurse to put him down.
There must be something we can do?
There's only one thing we can do.
The kindest thing.
Ah, Mary! Would you mind
doing the honours?
Never mind.
Thank you for the days
Those endless days
Those sacred days you gave me
I'm thinking of the days
I won't forget a single day
Believe me
Days I'll remember all my life
Days when you can't
see wrong from...
We'll take him home
and think about it!
We failed.
He's still got the hamster.
The boy, Kisko.
Did his disguise fail?
No, his disguise was impeccable.
Well, then, get me that hamster.
We'll try, but...
No buts! Get me that hamster!
Yes! It's an evil twin thing!
That's the Alsatian in me.
And once you're mine, Abu,
there's a spot with your name on it
in my very own Hamsterville.
Look at the little fella,
sleeping soundly.
Blissfully unaware
that he's going to die.
Die? I'm actually
feeling a lot better!
He's awake!
Maybe you should tell him?
Let's not. I don't want
to ruin his last week.
A week?! But I've just paid
a year's subscription to Netflix.
Abu, if I wanted to,
for no particular reason,
give you the best
week of your life,
just for fun.
Nothing sinister about it.
And you could do anything,
what would it be, old friend?
One thing.
Is there any chance you
could get me to meet Rihanna?
- She's gorgeous, that girl.
- Really?
Well, if you're sure.
He wants to go to the top
of the Blackpool Tower.
- No!
- I'm not surprised.
We had such happy holidays there
when we were nippers.
Why don't you understand
me? Rihanna.
How can you be sure?
You don't speak hamster.
No but I speak a little gerbil
and it's practically the same,
- What?
- Just a bit more...
That's guinea-pig!
Rihanna, if you're watching,
I've got one week - call me.
See how excited he is.
- We're all going to...
- Rihanna's house!
... Blackpool!
City of a thousand dreams
So much fun it's bursting at the seams
Fish and chips of world renown
It's your archetypal seaside town
- Buy sticks of rock...
- ...and candy-floss
Or take a stroll along the pier
City of a thousand dreams
Where you see behavioural extremes
See the roller coaster gleam
Listen to the children as they scream
Yo, give me five
Sea and sun, hot dog in a bun
Kiss me quick, drink on a stick
A paddle and a picnic
When it showers, spend an hour
Up the Blackpool Tower
Wave your deckchair in the air
Yo! Like you just don't care
I wonder who that could be?
Nan! How many times?
No strippagrams on a week night.
No Harry, I'm Father... Jesus...
and this is Sister Man... sfield.
Sister Mansfield.
I heard your Hamster was ill and I'm
here to read him the last rites.
I had no idea Abu was Catholic.
You'd better come in.
Where is the little...?
Tea? Coffee? Coke float?
Thank you, but as a priest we're
only allowed to drink holy water.
- Really?
- Yeah, pretty sure about that.
- Where's the hamster?
- In his bedroom.
- I'll show you up.
- No! No.
It's best if you stay
with Sister Mansfield.
- Things can get a bit...
- What?
The power of Christ compels you!
You'll never convert me.
In nomine patris
et filii et spiritus sancti.
- A bit like that.
- Right, well, I'll leave you to it.
No. No means no, Rihanna.
- Gotcha.
- I'll tell the Pope about you!
Woo hoo!
Try doing this with a Kindle.
Nunning. I suppose that's
pretty much recession-proof.
That's magic!
It was Abu, on the shelf,
with a dagger.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
- Ooh!
- Arriba, arriba!
Andale. Andale!
Yeah, guess what?
I'm not in the hat any more.
Coming up, inappropriate uses
of a crucifix. Number one...
Of course, Jesus
is Susej.
Sister Mansfield?
Can you come and assist me?
- Radiator.
- Whoa. It's Julie Mandrews.
Don't look up, Abu!
Where's he gone?
I've got my hand on
something furry.
What the...?
So this is what you
get up to, is it?
Right, get out.
You dirty...
Honestly, you people took a vow.
Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry-
It's that vet.
He's trying to kidnap me.
That's right, Abu. That image will be
difficult to get out of our heads.
But there's a lesson in this.
When strange people
knock at your door,
always remember to request some photo
ID, and if you're not convinced,
phone the company they say they're
from, or alternatively the police.
Right, little buddy,
you'd better get some sleep.
- We've got a long day tomorrow.
- Agh!
Strap in, Abu, and get ready
for the best week of your life.
This is a hostage situation.
That's the spirit. Blackpool ho!
Your Google Maps is out of date.
No, no, this is Sepia Maps.
All the villains use it.
It lets you track your arch enemy
anywhere in the world.
It's got some nice
touches, actually.
Germany's still called Prussia.
There's dragons in the sea.
Right, you two!
I can't afford any more failures.
Literally. The rent on
this HQ is astronomical.
There's a service charge which includes
the gym which I don't even use.
Now, as my erstwhile
brother is on the move,
you follow that car,
and when his back is turned,
you steal that hamster
and bring him to me!
And if you fail...
Great. Steak for dinner.
I love steak.
No, not steak for dinner.
You end up like the steak.
Technically if you are gonna
feed raw meat to your dogs,
you should supplement their diet...
- Shut up.
- Just saying.
So, gentlemen, it looks like you're
going on a little road trip.
Dance with me.
Oh, please.
A church house, ginhouse
A schoolhouse, outhouse
On highway number 19
The people keep the city clean
They call it Nutbush
Oh, Nutbush
They call it Nutbush
city limits
25 was the speed limit
Motorcycle not allowed in it
You go to store on a Friday
You go to church on a Sunday
They call it Nutbush
Yeah, Nutbush
They call it Nutbush
city limits
I spy with my little eye
something beginning with...
- ...C.
- Car.
- No.
- Cruise control.
On a Rover 2200 SC?
Guess again, Nan.
- Creepy bald guy?
- Good try, Abu.
But the last Cafe Rouge
we passed was in Winchester.
- Eh?
- No one?
It was charming retirement home.
Your last three goes have been
care home, removal van and skip.
- You trying to tell me something?
- Well, it can't last forever, Nan.
I mean, what if I meet the right girl,
get married and need the space?
Oh, yeah. I've got a good feeling
about this trip.
Well, I'm glad someone has.
Brilliant camouflage, Kisko.
They'll never suspect a thing.
Nutbush city limits
What? Eh?
Guys, we're being followed
by a mobile cone.
- No, Abu, we're not there yet.
- Turn left, you muppet!
Sat nav's a bit aggressive.
I said take the next
left, you toilet!
All right.
Oi, baldy, tell the old
girl to put her foot down
or we'll be here all day!
- It's set on angry white van man.
- I'm not angry!
Isn't there a nicer setting,
like 'Milkman' or 'David Beckham'?
Guys, can you seriously not see
this giant traffic cone?
You should have gone
before we left.
- I give up.
- Here we are - 'Sheila'.
Keep going until the roundabout.
Here we go.
- Which exit, Sheila?
- What are you asking me for?
- How am I supposed to know...
- Oh, hang on.
It's Sheila, the white van man's
even angrier ex-wife.
- I'm gonna be sick.
-'s my fault that we get lost!
My old fella was right about you!
I never should have married you!
For God's sake, change it.
The only other one
is 'Yakuza Boss'.
It would honour us greatly
if you would take second
exit off roundabout.
This is much more pleasant.
In 400 yards look
out for low bridge.
He's very helpful, isn't he?
But they eat tiny pieces of raw
fish, which seems terribly cruel.
- Uh-oh.
- Hmm?
Yes! Back of the net for Team Abu!
You have reached your destination.
- Arigato.
- Lovely.
- Blackpool Tower?
- Blackpool?
No. This is Blackpole.
- Really?
- Yeah. Look.
Blackpole, home of the black pole.
That's right.
Excuse me one moment.
Where are you going with
sat nav, Harry San?
What's he...?
Please return to car now.
No! Can't swim.
- Shall we find somewhere to stay?
- Yeah.
Well, this looks cheap.
Must check the sheets for curlies.
Hello. We're looking for a room.
- You've come to the right place.
- Let's show you round.
Make yourself at home
In our B&B
Treat the place like your own
In our B&B
You won't feel so alone
In our B&B
I'm afraid
We don't have space for parking
Please excuse the dog
He's always barking in our B&B
We got a few house rules
No need to feel ill at ease
Each room has
Tea and coffee-making facilities
We finish serving
breakfast at 6:15
Mushrooms cost extra
If you're having beans
Gonna treat you
right in our B&B
It's a hundred a
night plus the VAT
Please switch off the light
These bills are killin' me
Top celebrities
Have found their way here
Oh, we hope you have
A pleasant stay here in our B&B
- Good night, Nan.
- Night, Harry.
- Good night, Abu.
- Night.
- Good night, The Magic Numbers.
- Good night, Harry.
He's only got one week to live.
He wants to go to Blackpool.
Abu. Abu. Abu.
I know, you missed breakfast.
But don't worry,
I snuck up the toast rack.
So how did you get into
the henchman business?
Yeah, me too.
I've henched for everyone.
Lex Luthor. I did Tony Blair
for a couple of years.
I'll tell you who's nice who you
wouldn't expect. Darth Vader.
Well, thank you.
We've had the most lovely stay.
Sorry about the stain.
Thanks. Tell me, is there
much to see in Blackpole?
- You've seen the pole, right?
- Yeah, yeah, we saw that yesterday.
Well, you can't go without seeing
the nuclear power station.
I thought that was IKEA.
It's the number one tourist
attraction here in Blackpole.
After the pole.
Well, it certainly looks
entertaining and educational.
What do you think, Abu?
After all, it's your special week.
I'd rather gouge me eyes
out with a Twiglet.
Well, if you feel that strongly
about it, power station it is.
- Goodbye, Magic Numbers.
- Goodbye, Harry.
Here we go again.
Oh, here they come.
No. We can't draw attention.
Hello? Hello?
- Can you smell burning?
- Hello? Anyone?
- I can.
- Hello, me ducks.
We're here for the tour. I've been ringing
that thing for the last 20 minutes.
Oh, no. That's not a bell.
That's the temperature booster
for the nuclear reactor.
Oh, no.
Meltdown imminent.
Meltdown imminent.
Meltdown narrowly averted.
Sorry about that.
It's our fault for putting
it on the reception desk.
We've come for the guided tour.
I'm sorry, dear. The tour guide's
only here Monday to Friday.
- Gutted.
- Could I have a word?
The hamster friend of ours,
I know he looks fine,
but he's very ill.
- Nan, what are you doing?
- He's only got a week to live.
- Your hands are cold.
- Bless him. And he's only young.
Yeah. So if you could see your
way clear to showing us round.
It'd mean the world to him.
I'd love to, darling,
but I'm very busy, you see.
Maybe this'll change your mind?
But, sir, this is a
Nando's loyalty card.
With all six stamps.
You've got my number.
And this board here gives us
all the relevant information
for the reactor vessel.
Have you got Wi-Fi?
- Likewise the functionof this one.
- Now!
- Except it relates to the steam generator.
- Yes.
And right here we come all the way
down to the main one, which...
Help me!
Harry! I'm being sucked up!
That's a big one, isn't it?
This is where all the radioactive
waste exits into the water supply.
This is the filtration system
that ensures that the water
has zero possibility
of any contamination
causing mutations.
- Come with me.
- Did you...?
Hello. Could I speak to Otto Hill, please?
It's one of his henchmen.
- Woof woof.
- Is that you, Otto?
Of course it's me. Now tell me
you've caught that hamster.
Not exactly, boss, no.
He gave us the slip.
- Gave you the slip? And the disguises?
- No, our disguises were impeccable.
- Where is it, then?
- Look, it's a hamster.
I'm sure he can't have got far.
He must be around here somewhere.
- Hello? Hello?
- I think I might have found him.
Call you back.
The fools!
Oh, please!
To the cone!
It's a giant hamster!
The keys! Where are the keys?
Come on! Oh, it's open.
I'm gonna be sick!
And the canteen serves
a range of hot and cold food,
and they do a roast on Wednesdays.
- All this and a midweek roast, Nan.
- Oh, yes.
Come on, men.
I understand that the binding
energy of the nucleus is released
when the atom is assembled
from its constituent nucleons.
- But what's the mass defect?
- Weren't you listening?
The mass defect of a nucleus
is the difference between the total
mass of all its separate nucleons
and the mass of the nucleus itself.
- That's right.
- Of course.
Do it!
- Fancy a pint?
- Come on, men.
Look, I know that was wrong,
but it felt so right.
Anything else you'd
like to know at all?
Who'd have thought that thermonuclear
intra-molecular physics
would be so easy to understand.
- Abu? Abu?
- You're not gonna believe this.
You're supposed to be ill.
I just caused
a major international incident.
You hear that?
Abu's found the gift shop.
- Ah! Buy a phrase book!
- Thanks.
This atomic winter snow globe's
going straight on the mantelpiece.
Or eBay.
- Ouch! Get off!
- What's that?
Watch where you're going, mush.
That's what happens when you lie
concealed on a public thoroughfare.
Look at your skin.
What's your moisturising regime?
Perhaps I should explain.
I'm from an ancient
race of shell people
called the Makuktuksoautrakuherx,
which in your language
translates as...
- Shell people?
- Yes.
Well, I'm Harry,
this is Nan and our hamster Abu.
- Yo, dude.
- Hi. My name's Barney Cull.
- Barnacle.
- No. Barney Cull.
- Barnacle.
- Do you think you could help me?
Sorry, mate.
Haven't got any spare change.
- I'm not homeless.
- You're sleeping on a beach, dude.
- Just saying.
- Come, let me show you.
- Actually, it's that way.
- That way?
So they steal your children?
Yeah, and then they sell them to
humans as ornaments for their houses.
- Well, hello, you.
- Help!
- Well, that's just sick.
- Yeah.
Putting something that tacky
in your house.
- What?
- Nan, please.
Barney, this is your lucky day.
I'm gonna go into that shop
and free those kids of yours
so that a whole new generation of
Makuktuksoautrakuherx may thrive.
- How?
- With this debit card.
Unbelievable! The prices in there.
They think because they're
the only shop on the beach,
they can charge what they
like and we'll just pay.
Honestly, rip-off Britain or what!
- Thanks for doing your best, Harry.
- Oh, no. This isn't over.
OK, this plan is complicated
and dangerous.
The slightest error, we may not
make it out alive, so listen up.
OK, everything's gonna
be fine, guys. Don't worry.
Just five minutes,
that's all it's gonna take.
Where's Abu?
Go, go! Go on, go on!
- Hey, hey!
- Thank you.
No need to thank me, ma'am.
Just doing me job.
Well, that was easier
than I thought.
Welcome to my home.
- It stinks.
- Thank you. What's your name?
- Thank you.
- Your people are so generous.
You have done them great service.
It stinks.
Hmm. Oh!
- What's that?
- Creamed blubber.
It would be an insult to refuse it.
- Great.
- Go on.
- Cheers, everyone.
- Down the hatch, Harry.
- Go on.
- Chewy bit.
You're embarrassing me.
- Come on.
- It's warm.
That's me boy.
He drank it!
They fall for it every time!
That's my kind of humour.
I drank it.
I am Conch, King of
the Shell People,
Lord of the Estuary,
Protector of the Rock-Pool Realm
and current Champion of the
Crustacean Amateur Darts League.
We are here to honour
three brave heroes
whose noble deeds and
selfless actions,
with only superficial knowledge
of our race...
- Who's that?
- Michelle, the Conch's daughter
and the most beautiful shell
woman in the entire kingdom.
That she is.
I bestow upon you the keys to the
Rock-Pool Realm for a period up to
and including six weeks.
Terms and conditions apply.
So, without further
ado, let us party!
So I'm like 50 feet tall
and spitting fire bombs
and there's lasers
coming out me eyes.
And then this tank turns up. Yeah.
- Do you know what he's saying?
- Not a clue.
But the man's a hero,
so show a little respect.
He's like so cute.
You seem like a really
interesting guy.
- You speak hamster?
- I get by.
Come to the bar.
I'll buy you some blubber.
- So what's your name?
- Rihanna.
I'm afraid that seat's taken...
by the most beautiful
girl in the world.
My mother warned me
about men like you.
I find that hard to believe.
There are no men like me.
They say an arrogant man
is just compensating.
The only compensation I'm seeking
is for a fall I had at work
which wasn't my fault.
Seriously, I'm owed like
four thousand pound.
- Is that supposed to impress me?
- No. This is.
Stop that!
The ancient laws clearly state
that 'inter-species carry on'
is strictly forbidden.
- Yes.
- How can you stand in the way of love?
He's right, Harry.
As much as it hurts,
we can never be together.
I'd be banished from my home.
- No!
- Goodbye, Mr Stinkpot!
Come with me
Down in the deep blue sea
Here where the seafood's free
Down in the deep blue sea
The weather's good
in the main here
I've never once
seen it rain here
You'll find life here is better
Certainly it is wetter
Come with me
Down in the deep blue sea
Pure hydrotherapy
We'll get on swimmingly
The ocean sparkles and twinkles
And every breakfast is winkles
Come where people
have shells on
It's like Sea World
with bells on
You'll feel at home in a jiffy
Mobile reception is iffy
Conga eels doing the conga
Just hold your
breath a bit longer
Down in the deep blue sea
I couldn't breathe.
There was water everywhere.
My eyes were stinging.
There's no way I could
live down there.
You made the right decision.
Maybe I was too hasty.
We could have made it work.
I could have invested in a snorkel.
To be honest, I wasn't sure
about the smell either.
- No, she was a nice girl...
- Not the right one for you.
Nan. stop the car!
Free stick of rock. Well, this
certainly needs looking into.
- You look like a good sport, sir.
- Do I know you?
Absolutely not.
Beat the champ to win the prize.
He's tiny. It'll be like taking
candy from a baby.
- Harry.
- Literally. It doesn't seem fair.
This is a wind-up.
There's bound to be a catch.
Well, Abu, if you insist.
I'll do it.
I won't be too hard on him, Nan.
If you could just sign this
disclaimer before we start.
- Disclaimer, of course.
- Don't sign it, you mug.
- Thank you.
- Not at all.
In the yellow corner,
the challenger,
Harry 'Insert Nickname' Hill!
And in the red corner,
Kisko 'The Piston' Kalashnikov.
Nan, start the car.
But I thought I was
fighting the little guy.
I'm just here to watch.
12 rounds, win is by knockout,
and if Harry loses,
he loses his hamster,
as stated in this contract.
- What did I tell you?
- It's a stitch-up.
- Abu, there's a lesson in this.
- Really?
When signing any kind
of legal document,
always be sure to check
the small print.
Look at him. He's a monster.
- Round one!
- Go for his soft bits!
Keep your guard up.
That's it, tire him. Tire him.
Turn round! Don't run away!
Get in there! Punch him!
Weave, Harry! Now get up!
Get back in there! Go on!
- Ow!
- Ugh!
Yes! Yes!
This is it, Harry. Last round.
Sorry, Abu.
- I don't think I can win.
- Do you think?
He's like the offspring
of Mike Tyson and a troll.
- We've had it.
- I know what the problem is.
We never gave you a
training montage.
Of course.
Bob and weave, one,
two. One, two!
You've got to fight
for what you want
For all that you believe
It's right to fight
for what we want
To live the way we please
Right, let's go and
win that fight. Go on.
- Yeah!
- Harry, get up! Get up!
One! Two!
Get up!
I ain't scared of you!
Tickle him.
Tickle him. Tickle him.
Tickle him.
Tickle him!
Tickle, tickle, tickle,
tickle, tickle, tickle.
Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.
Tickle, tickle, tickle.
Tickle, tickle, tickle.
Harry! Harry!
Harry! Harry! Harry! Harry!
Oh, damn!
Don't look at me like that.
Don't judge me.
I'm still your little boy.
Oh, so now you're siding with her?
Thanks a lot, Dad!
Help. Help.
- We've run out of petrol.
- Why didn't you stop for some then?
To be honest, I fell
asleep just after you did.
It's a miracle we're alive.
There must be a petrol station
round here somewhere.
- Abu, wait in the car.
- Can you get me a Twix?
Of course.
I almost forgot.
Every year hundreds of animals die
needlessly in hot cars.
So if you are leaving your pet,
even for just a minute,
always remember
to wind down a window.
And a copy of 'Nuts'.
Sorted. Respect due.
I might buy some charcoal briquettes.
They're always handy.
Nan? Ah!
You two, get away!
Mind your fingers!
Three pound on the nose.
You haven't lost your touch, Nan.
Could I interest you
in our car wash?
Maybe. There's so
many different types.
- What's the difference?
- Wouldn't you like to know?
Don't matter where you're going
Or where you've been
Ford Escort or Ferrari
I'll get you clean
I'll polish till you sparkle
Like a brand new pin
Throw me your keys now, baby
And let's begin
Drive through my car wash
You'll be so clean
You'll say 'My gosh!'
Worth every penny of your dosh
Come take a drive
Through my car wash
Let me tell you how I want it
Put a little more
shine on my bonnet
Here's the deal with turtle wax
Bend your backs and
polish to the max
A power jet to start
Then hot soapy brush
Full valet, that is something
That you just can't rush
Buy a new token
In case your time expires
I'll shammy everything off
Even your tyres
Drive through my car wash
You're good as new
You'll look dead posh
We'll do it really
quick Bish bosh
Come take a drive
through my car wash
Car wash!
So what do you want, then?
We don't actually
have our car with us.
You made us sing that
massive song for nothing?
Some people!
- Disco car wash song.
- Time wasters!
Yeah, very original.
Right, grab him. Let's go.
- Help!
- It's them.
Harry! Help! They're getting away!
Where's all the petrol gone, Nan?
For God's sake, Nan. I thought
you'd completed all 12 steps.
Well, it doesn't matter, does it?
We're not going nowhere. Look.
Abu, if you were hot, you could have
nuzzled up to the open window.
That's just vandalism.
He got away?
And that's the best you've
got, is it? He got away?
I mean, how hard can it
be to catch a hamster?
We tried our best. It's been
more difficult than we thought.
Yes, I dare say it was difficult
trying to find a frock
to fit a seven-foot lump like him.
Actually, many of those
were my designs.
My mother has a sewing machine.
While you've been playing dress-up,
I've been forking out.
Have you any idea how much
all of this has cost?
Take a wild guess.
Don't. I'll tell you.
12,000, yeah?
I think you'll agree that's
rather a lot of money.
We really are sorry.
I must have the hamster by tomorrow
or it will all be for nothing!
I know the date's arbitrary, but if
I don't set some sort of deadline,
nothing ever gets done around here.
Which is why I have decided
to get you two a little help.
So, are you really as good
as they say you are?
- La master du disguise.
- Huh.
- Hey, hey!
- Come on.
- Well, forget that.
- Probably a serial killer.
106 miles, walking?
You sure you haven't got
change for the megabus?
Oh... Ah.
- A shell?
- Harry. Harry?
Harry. Harry.
- What you doing?
- Nothing. Just...
At this rate
we'll never get to Blackpool.
It's stopping! Come on, Nan.
Hi, guys. Need a ride?
- Do we know you?
- Oh, come on.
Know them? That's international teen
singing sensation, Justin Bieber,
and his equally famous
girlfriend... Erm...
That's not Justin Bieber.
Are you blind?
That's it. Selena Gomez.
And may I say you're
looking delightful.
It's amazing how different
celebrities look in real life,
because you look
like a fully matured man.
Do I? How funny, because
I'm definitely Justin Bieber.
I'm only 16 or something.
What, and you left your monkey
at the airport?
- Justin, your hair is...
- Luxuriant and beautiful?
Yes, everyone always comments
on my trademark haircut.
- Nan, this guy's a mess.
- I know.
Now we're all best friends, I'd like
to give you these front-row tickets
to see an amazing band.
- Band, Justin?
- Yes.
The greatest living all-canine
'Jackson 5' tribute band.
'The Dachshund Five'.
I'm their manager.
No, you're not. You're a
hamster-snatching psychopath.
Don't gush, Abu. Forgive
my friend. He's a massive fan.
Driver, are we there yet?
Almost. How do you say?
30 minutes.
And then it's show time.
We're here, Abu.
Smell that Blackpool air.
I could murder a kebab.
Hey, hey, mind my tail.
Great seats.
Now, a novelty T-shirt
and cushion for you, Abu.
And, Harry, I got you a hat and
this 'Dachshund Five' aftershave.
Wet Dog. Hmm.
Nothing for yourself, Nan?
Oh, yeah. I had this done.
- That's a bit hardcore.
- Dear God.
Wait till you see the
one I had done here.
It's starting.
Which one's Michael Dachshund?
- Second from the end.
- No, that's Jermaine.
Is it? Oh, yeah.
It's great.
- He's gonna moonwalk!
- Go on.
Michelle? It's Michelle!
- Tell her to call back.
- But she's here.
How come you're in Blackpool?
Come on!
- Get in the...
- What about me cushion?
Harry! Harry!
- All right, Abu?
- Oui.
I wanna go for a...
- Harry!
- Michelle!
What are you doing here?
I ran away from my
dad to be with you.
No, I mean what are you doing
in here? This is the gents.
- I said to meet in the lobby.
- I couldn't wait another moment.
I've been so miserable
since you left.
- I think...
- Yes?
- I love you.
- I think I love you too.
- Oh, Harry!
- Oh, Michelle.
- Towel?
- Lovely, thank you.
Come on, don't be shy.
Great news, guys.
We've decided to give it a go.
Harry. Quick word.
- I really hate...
- What?
- I said I...
- I can't hear you!
I said I really hate Michelle!
She's got a face like an oyster's
backside and her breath stinks of fish!
Celebrate good times, come on!
Watch the... And ooh...
And again.
Chip... nose...
All right, this has gone on
long enough. Shake hands.
Yeah, yeah, real mature.
You steppin' to me fam?
'Cause I will bruck you up!
- Yeah, bring it fam.
- No, Abu, you're allergic to fish.
Num, num, num.
Hang on a minute. That's not Abu.
No, it's a specially adapted
hoody. Who are you?
Je m'appelle Renard Depardieu,
the master of disguise.
- Which guys?
- Disguise.
- I don't see any guys.
- Not 'these guys'. Disguise.
Never mind that.
What have you done with Abu?
- The hamster?
- Yes.
He has been kidnapped
by these guys.
- How can you be kidnapped by a disguise?
- Not 'disguise'.
- These guys.
- Think he's saying 'these guys'.
- Voila. - I knew that.
- I was just playing along with him.
- What have they done with him?
- You will never find out.
- Ha! Au revoir.
- Oh.
We've got a hamster
In the boot for our boss!
Sing it, Kisko!
Celebrate good times, come on!
The stick of rock. That's it!
Come home!
Bring yourself home!
It's all getting a bit
'Les Misrables', isn't it?
Where are you now, friend
Lost in the night?
How could I let you
out of my sight?
I wander the streets of Blackpool and cry
'Don't let him die!'
I've interfered and
made such a mess
Spoiled Harry's chance
To find happiness
My family's wrecked
My love has gone too
What can I do?
And the rain falls in my heart
Will all my searching
be in vain?
And it's pouring down my drain
I feel the rain
fall in my heart
I hurt my daughter
Put her through hell
Need to relax
Come out of my shell
Won't rest
Till I have revenge on my twin
God, let me win
It just isn't fair
We take all the blame
Perhaps we should get out
Of the henchman game
Papier mch
Au revoir, gteaux
At any second this
place could blow
My doggy's well trained
He stays in his bed
He loves playing dead
And the rain Falls in my heart
I've seen the
business take a dive
Will our B&B survive?
I feel the rain
fall in my heart
And the rain falls in my heart
Rain falls in my heart
Falls in my heart
- Harry, look.
- Eh?
Yeah, shocking, innit? Especially
when there's a bin just there.
Barbecued beef.
No. It can't be.
I'd recognise that look anywhere.
That's your flashback face.
You're right, Harry, and I think
I know where we'll find Abu.
Follow the smell of barbecued beef.
A key!
Give me a biscuit and
nibble my hoops.
If it isn't my brother's hamster.
I've been expecting you.
Bit loud.
Come on.
- What about Michelle?
- Forget about her.
That girl's only good
for one thing.
A knob of garlic butter
and a side order of fries.
- Nan!
- Come on.
Start again. One...
Two... three... four... five...
42,003... 42,004... 42,005...
I'll never eat another barbecued
beef Hula Hoop as long as I live.
Oh, look, Nan.
Harry, I think we should
get out of here.
- Shh!
- Not without Abu.
Face it, if this was a film
and you saw that,
what would you be
shouting at the screen?
Turn around! Go back!
I know, but we must save Abu.
'This is it.'
Welcome back to Blackpool.
Fancy a Hula Hoop?
It's like looking in the mirror,
only at Halloween.
Ah Harry, always the joker.
Perhaps this will wipe
the smile off your face.
They've got me!
Well, who did you expect?
Kermit the flipping frog?
What do you want, Otto?
Years ago we were separated.
- Why now?
- The hamster, Harry.
The hamster I never had.
You always got everything, didn't you?
The house, the toys, her!
While I was sleeping rough
with a pack of stray dogs next to
the M6, living off Pedigree Chum.
Have you any idea what it's like
to have to lick your
own bum, just to fit in?
I can't say I have... Once.
Everything in my world
was out of my control,
which is why I built a new world,
a perfect world,
where I control everything.
- Plastination!
- Yeah!
Hang on a minute,
how did you know that?
Just a hunch.
Such a wonderful process.
It gives the effect of taxidermy while
keeping the animal very much alive.
Just to take the curse
off it, you know.
Now, prepare Abu,
he's my centrepiece,
a tiny hamster Harry Hill,
to be beaten by a tiny
hamster me, for eternity!
You're an evil twin!
I know.
Help me, please.
Let's have some music.
Vet! Commence plastination.
- No!
- I have got a name, you know?
- Harry!
- Good, innit?
Worst holiday ever!
- No! Abu!
- Stop it, please!
I'm coming!
Fight. Thank God!
Get her, Kisko.
Kung Fu sequence eh? Bit old hat!
See how you like my Nan Fu! He-ya!
How come you always
had the runny egg?
I thought you preferred
hard boiled!
Why did you never let me have
a go on your Chopper bike?
- I thought you preferred the Grifter bike!
- Get off me!
No! Brrr!
Hot, hot, hot, hot...
No! Please! Not me! It looks hurty!
Nan! Help me!
- Harry!
- What did you do that for?
Sorry, I never could
tell you two apart.
That's how come I sent
Otto away in the first place.
Fine. I'll do it myself.
Oh, you dirty boy.
Vet! Release the brains!
Come to Daddy!
The brains are coming!
Ah! Quick, Nan! Run!
What the...?
I'm off!
- The doors locked!
- Play your recorder then!
Just my luck! Music lovers!
Who's for a headache?
Heard you were in a
spot of bother H!
Barney! Where did you get
the rocket launcher?
Door to door arms dealer.
Got his number off the chickens.
There's someone
who's been looking for you.
- Harry!
- Michelle!
I knew you'd come back.
It seems I was wrong about you,
fish face... I mean Michelle.
- Right, let's rescue Abu.
- Or stay here and kiss some more?
- Harry.
- He's only got a few days left anyway.
- Alright then.
- Come on. Abu!
- Abu!
- Harry!
You're coming with me.
Come quick! Take a look at this!
Blimey! He got up there fast!
- Abu!
- Help!
You got 20p? Nan!
- You got a...? Anyone?
- No.
You lot wait here.
I'm gonna go and get him.
- I can't believe the lift wasn't working.
- Ah!
You'll never get away with this.
- Just watch me!
- Harry!
Seriously, who climbs Blackpool
Tower in those shoes?
Careful, Harry!
You've got nowhere to go, Otto.
Hand him over!
That's certainly one option,
or I could just do this.
Au revoir.
Get off! Get off!
Hold on.
- Guess who?
- Harry!
I'm coming, Abu. I'm coming.
Nan and Harry! Hurrah!
Try and get closer, Nan.
I expect you're wondering
how I learnt to fly a helicopter?
Well, I spent three years out in 'Nam
flying the old H-46's for the green berets.
I was first out of Saigon
when things started to get sticky,
and I've spent the last 8 years ferrying
the Pope to corporate engagements.
Roger that, Harry. On my way.
- Stop flapping and start scrapping.
- Undo his buttons, Abu!
Give me my hamster!
Bite him where it hurts!
You two are about as
helpful as a bag of farts.
Do something!
You know what? I think we're
working for the wrong brother.
You spoke?!
Yeah. I choose my words carefully.
It's all over, Otto!
It is now!
I'm slipping!
Well, hold on with
both hands, then.
And let my trousers fall down?!
Dream on!
- Hey, boss.
- What?
Well, that's higher than it looks.
- I'm slipping!
- Hold tight, Abu.
- Harry!
- Ah!
- Take us down, Nan.
- Roger that.
Nan to Control Tower.
Permission to land on a
double yellow line. Over.
Clear to land. Over.
Are you all right?
Sorry about all that
plastination business.
What? You've got a nerve.
Don't mention it.
- Harry!
- Ow.
Well, Abu. At least you finally
got to see the Blackpool Tower.
- Hey!
- Michelle.
- Ow.
- Come here, you.
Make way for the king!
Excuse me, king coming through.
Your Majesty.
Harry, I was wrong about you.
You are a true hero.
Maybe there's something in this
interspecies carry-on after all.
I give you permission
to marry my daughter.
Marry? Who said anything
about marriage?
What's the rush?
Maybe cohabit first?
After all... there's plenty
of room for everyone.
- Even for me?
- Not so much.
That's it. Go on, cart him off.
That's it. Get out of it!
I'm just pleased to see
a happy ending.
Abu, what's that you're sucking?
A green felt tip pen?
That's why he's been throwing up.
Where did you get this?
Sorry, Harry. I planted
it in your house.
Hamsters love to suck on a
felt tip but it makes them sick.
I knew you'd bring him to my vet's
surgery and then I could steal him.
Right, so you didn't think to steal Abu
then? When you gave him the pen?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, the good news is:
he's not going to die any time soon.
So you're blaming me
for the whole caper?
Nonsense, Abu. If you hadn't
sucked that green felt tip
I never would have met my Michelle.
How come you can
understand Hamster now?
We all can! It's a conceit to
speed up the end of the movie!
I'll take him down
the station, Mr H.
Not yet, Officer.
We'll need him for the finale song.
Sometimes I feel like throwing
My hands up in the air
I know I can count on you...
Sometimes I feel like saying
'Lord I just don't care'
But you've got the love
I need to see me through.
Sometimes it seems
the goings just too rough
and things go wrong
no matter what I do.
Now and then it seems
that life is just too much.
But you've got the love
I need to see me through.
You've got the love.
You've got the love
You've got the love.
You've got the love
You've got the love.
You've got the love
You've got the love.
You've got the love
You've got the love.
Come here.
You've got the love
You've got the love.
You've got the love
You've got the love.
You've got the love
You've got the love.
You've got the love
You've got the love.
You've got the love
You've got the love.
Sometimes I feel like saying
'Lord, I just don't care'
But you've got the love I need
To see me through.
Put that can down, Nan,
you've had enough.
- Sorry, Harry.
- Nice one, Nan.
Told you once before
And I won't tell you no more
Get down, get down, get down
You're a bad dog, baby
But I still want you around
You give me the creeps
When you jump on your feet
So get down, get down, get down
Keep your hands to yourself
I'm strictly out of bounds
Once upon a time
I drank a little wine
Was as happy as could be
Happy as could be
Now I'm just like a cat
On a hot tin roof
Baby what do you think
You're doin' to me?
Told you once before
And I won't tell you no more
So get down, get down, get down
You're a bad dog, baby
But I still want you around, around
I still want you around
I don't give a damn
And I'd like you if you can to
Get down, get down, get down
You're a bad dog baby
But I still want you around
Once upon a time
I drank a little wine
Was as happy as could be
Happy as could be
Now I'm just like a cat
On a hot tin roof
Baby what do you think
You're doin' to me?