The Million Dollar Duck (1971) Movie Script

[Cash register rings]
[Cash register rings]
[Cash register rings]
[Cash register rings]
[Cash register rings]
[Cash register rings]
[Cash register rings]
Albert Dooley, the student voted
most likely to succeed
of the class of 1959.
You lovely, big success, Albert.
[Jimmy] Daddy. Daddy.
Oh. Excuse me.
Yeah, what is it, son?
Look, Daddy, here's the puppy
Eddie said he'd give me.
[Albert] Hey.
- He's a cute one.
- For only 50 dollars.
- Fifty dollars?
- Eddie says he has his own pedigree.
For that price,
he ought to have his own car.
I already picked out
a name for him.
Charlie. Good, huh?
Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's fine.
But that's... [laughs]
I mean, 50 dollars. You know, it's...
Well, there's licenses
and vets and shots and...
- Think of all the food.
- I'd share my food with him.
Oh, no, Jimmy. Small boys need
all the nourishment they can get.
You're not a small boy.
You could share your food with him.
Maybe next year, okay, Jim?
I'll get a job. You can rent my room and
I'll sleep in the garage with Charlie.
Please, Daddy.
- I'm sorry, Jimmy.
- I thought you and I were pals.
Hey. We are pals, pal, but...
[Albert] I mean, where am I
gonna get 50 bucks, huh?
I mean, I can't even pay these bills.
Here, Eddie. Take him.
Bye, Charlie.
[Music plays on radio]
Where's the cinnamon? I just...
Uh... Curry powder.
And, uh... garlic.
Must be a simpler way
to make applesauce.
- [Albert] Katie.
- Yes, dear?
[Shuts off radio]
- That was Herman and the Purple Cows.
- I don't doubt it.
Katie, we're gonna have to have
another talk about economizing.
Okay, first I want you to guess what
I'm cooking, three guesses.
- Later.
- Try, um... plum pudding.
- Plum pudding.
- Wrong. Try applesauce.
- Look, now we have to economize.
- That's what I'm doing.
I'm making homemade applesauce
with apples off our very own tree.
- That's fine...
- I want you to taste it.
Tell me if you think it's too, uh...
...too ingredient.
[Straining] It's good.
Really... it's really good.
[Gasps] Think you should have
peeled the apples first?
No, see,
that's where all your vitamins are.
In the seeds, too?
Well, Albert, you should know,
you're the scientist.
Now there must be some place...
...that we can cut down.
Now, this bill from the dress shop...
- I know where we can cut down.
- Where?
Your lunch money.
- What?
- Albert, it makes no sense.
You're spending all that money when
I could pack you a nice little lunch.
Oh, no.
Darling, that's too much bother
for you to go to every morning.
- To get up and cook me...
- Please, what is a wife for?
It's just a part of our marriage vows.
To love and obey,
till death do us in.
Thank you, darling.
And don't tip your lunch, dear,
the applesauce is on top.
Bye, sweetie.
Daddy, Eddie says
this is my last chance.
Your last chance for what, pal?
- For Charlie.
- Who?
- The puppy.
- [Katie] Jimmy.
Don't bother your father. He's got
little enough on his mind as it is.
[Jimmy] Mr. Hooper next door,
he has a dog.
He can afford to feed it,
it's a great big one.
[Albert] Mr. Hooper works for the U.S.
Treasury and they have all our money.
He could afford a giraffe.
- Finley.
- Giraffe.
[Car engine starts]
Goodbye, pal.
Oh, dear.
I wish that fool professor made enough
money so I could investigate him.
[Albert] Morning, Fred.
[Brakes screeching]
- Why don't you just drop a bomb on us?
- It'd be a lot quicker.
Don't blame us. It was you old cats who
invented the internal combustion engine.
[Tires screech]
You're a lawyer. Can't we do something
about those boys? Legal, preferably.
Did you say legal or lethal?
Either way, I'll take the case.
I'll take any case, man.
I need some rent money.
You too, huh?
Sometimes I wish I'd been born rich
instead of brilliant.
- Morning, group.
- [Clucking]
Velma. Awake and ready?
- Arnold, wake up.
- [Snorting]
You two behave yourselves today.
Now, Clyde...
- You ready for a big day?
- [Chattering]
- Mr. Duck.
- [Quacking]
Are you gonna shape up today? Hmm?
For me? Please?
- [Quacks]
- Good.
If you flunk any more tests, you're
gonna be a gone goose, understand?
[Albert chuckles]
Another drop-out performance, you'll
have Dr. Gottlieb climbing the walls.
He takes a dim view
of any duck that doesn't know
a yellow button from a red one.
Clyde! What's the matter?
You're eating the applesauce.
You like it?
I knew you were weird,
but that's ridiculous.
You must have got your share, too, huh?
- I'll get you bicarb of soda.
- [Gottlieb] Dooley!
- Professor Dooley?
- Yes?
What are you doing?
What about the tests?
Do you realize how far back
you're putting the schedule?
- I'm sorry...
- What's the matter with the chimp?
- Uh, he's nervous.
- Nervous?
About the test, sir.
Well, get on with it.
- No duck.
- What?
- No duck.
- But the schedule calls...
- Revised.
- I feel if we test him in...
Do you know what the data is on
the learning potential test for that...
- Minus 11.
- It might be a slow learner.
- Slow?
- [Albert] Yes, sir.
This duck could shed
some new light
on the rates of learning
of various animals.
- All right, but it's his last chance.
- Thank you, sir.
I understand.
You hear that, chum?
You gotta shape up or...
You're gonna... You got applesauce
all over your face. Come here.
[Man] Took him ten seconds last time.
Let's see if he'll do better.
[Bell rings]
[Man] Well, Mr. Pig, what are you
going to show us today?
- Superb.
- Superb.
No, Dooley, that duck couldn't begin
to handle these tests.
Over here.
Now this is the simplest device
we've got.
The duck has had 49 hours
of practice on this one,
so it's about time
we see some results.
[Albert] Okay, duck. Go for the yellow
button, the center, the yellow button.
He's got it now.
Oh, come on.
Get that stupid duck out of here.
Wait a minute. Just one more time, sir.
Just one more time.
For what? He's useless.
Completely unresponsive.
All right, fella, once more.
Yellow button, center. Center.
You don't give up.
There he goes for the red button again.
No, no, he's got it now.
He's going...
At least he's reacting.
Oh, no.
[Gottlieb] All right, Dooley.
Get that misfit out of here.
Dr. Gottlieb. You have to admit,
that's a very interesting reaction.
[Albert] I mean, this duck
is a fascinating creature.
Okay, Frisby, what have we got here?
Gamma rays on, uh, what?
Testing some new
high resistance silicone oils.
- [Man] Phenyl type?
- [Frisby] Yeah.
[Man] What is the estimated
integrated threshold neutron flux?
- What do you mean by that?
- By what?
Well, you said "quack."
Hey, I didn't say "quack."
[Man] Holy cow!
Oh, Professor.
- Is this one of your creatures?
- Yes. How did she get in there?
You tell me.
You almost had fried duck.
Is she okay?
Oh, sure, no harm.
Just, uh, got a little jolt.
But in the future, would you please
keep your friends out of our department?
Yeah, okay.
Boy, you really blew it today.
Only thing to do now is find you
a home for retired dropouts.
- A duck?
- Yeah.
That's what it is. A duck.
But I want a puppy.
I don't want a dumb old duck.
Look, pal, I didn't
bring it home for a pet.
Then why'd you bring it?
It was either that
or let the janitor's wife fricassee it.
It was a total wash-out
at the lab and...
Wouldn't a puppy be
just as cheap to feed?
Darling, we're not gonna keep it.
Well, he really had
his heart set on a puppy.
Katie, now, we've been
through all of that.
I'm just trying to find a home
for this stupid duck.
Maybe that farmer would take it,
the one that comes around
and sells us those vegetables
I can't afford.
- You mean Mr. Gilby?
- Yeah, I guess so.
Oh, now see, dear, you're mixed up.
Mr. Gilby is the, uh, bakery truck man.
Mr. Purdham is the vegetable man.
Well, Purdham, okay.
I mean, give it to him.
It'll have a good home
on his farm.
- Probably eat better than we do.
- [Jimmy] Hey, Daddy.
I think he likes me.
Watch how he follows me.
Come on, boy. Come on. Come on.
How would you like a real great name?
Charlie. You like that, Charlie?
Maybe I can teach him some tricks.
Him? Good luck.
Um, Albert?
[Albert] Hmm?
Uh, I was just thinking.
Good for you.
You know, uh, instead of giving
that dumb old duck to Mr. Purdham,
uh, maybe Jimmy could
trade it in on a puppy.
Now, Katie, we settled all that, okay?
Yeah, I know, but it wouldn't cost
you anything and it might help...
Never mind.
I shouldn't even mention it.
- Mention what?
- Oh, nothing.
I'm sure you'll solve it.
Okay, Katie, solve what?
The generation gap you're creating
between Jimmy over this puppy thing.
Oh, come on, Katie.
Honey, you know Jimmy and I have
a very good, close relationship.
Of course you do, Albert.
That's why I didn't even mention it.
[Jimmy] Daddy! Daddy, help!
Daddy, help!
He's gonna kill Charlie.
- What?
- [Hooper] Gotcha.
- Get out of here.
- [Albert] Leave that duck alone.
- Get out of my yard.
- That's our duck.
Well, get him out of my pool.
Get your hands off my skimmer.
- [Jimmy] Charlie!
- Be careful.
I got you now,
you duck-billed intruder.
[Quacking, barking]
Get your hands off my skimmer.
Attaboy, Charlie.
[Katie] Albert!
[Hooper] Duke, get that bird
off our slide.
Stop that dog!
Go, Charlie, go.
[Hooper] Bite him in the tail feathers.
Don't let him get away from you.
[Albert] Come here, duck.
Come here, duck.
If that dog lays a tooth on that duck...
- [Albert] Take your skimmer...
- Hooper, let go.
[Albert] You're gonna drown him.
Come here, duck.
If you hit our duck,
I'll report you to the sPCIA.
Call your dog, Hooper.
Get your duck out of the pool,
he's contaminating it.
[Everybody shouting]
Oh. Oh!
Get your dirty shoes
out of my pool.
[Katie] You hit my husband!
Come here, Jimmy.
Take the duck.
- Up the stairs, Duke.
- [Katie] Come on, Albert, hurry.
[Albert] Go on.
[Albert] Hurry before the dog gets out.
[Hooper] Duke, sic 'em. Sic 'em.
Give 'em a good one.
Get 'em, Duke. Sic 'em.
Finley, what are you doing in there
with your clothes on?
Can't leave you alone for a minute.
Look, Daddy. Charlie laid an egg.
[Katie] Why, Charlie, you're a mama.
Four eggs,
isn't that something?
I don't see how she laid any eggs
with that beast barking at her.
[Stammering] It was that beast
that caused her to do it.
Albert, they hardly know each other.
- No, no, I mean...
- I know what you mean.
Let's don't discuss it
in front of our "s-o-n."
Yeah, we learn all that
stuff in school, anyway.
No, no, no. It's a conditioned reflex.
You see, when the dog barks,
the duck lays an egg.
I don't know why.
It happened once at the lab.
That's not the way
my mother explained it to me.
Anyway, the important thing is the money
we'll save growing our own eggs.
[Stammering] We're not
eating those eggs.
I mean, this duck is, uh... strange.
- [Quacking]
- Not that, it's an aberration.
A biological mutation.
- It is?
- Yeah.
That's a chemically mixed up duck.
It's even been radiated and...
We're not eating those eggs.
Good, then we'll hatch them.
Come on, Charlie.
[Stammering] Is that all right?
I mean, hatching them?
Oh, no. Of course not.
They probably wouldn't hatch, anyway.
Only thing to do is bury them,
which I'll do after Jimmy goes to sleep.
[Fred] Albert?
- What the devil you doing?
- Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Digging a hole at, uh, midnight
in your pajamas is... nothing?
You know, I'm digging, digging.
- For what?
- Night crawlers.
Certainly lay big eggs.
Go to bed, Albert.
You're a nut.
[Gottlieb] Dooley?
Yes? Yes, Dr. Gottlieb?
- You wanted to see me?
- Yes, a, uh, research problem.
Oh, uh, come on, come on.
[Gottlieb sighs] sit down, sit down.
- Well?
- Dr. Gottlieb, is it possible...
In science, anything is possible.
Yes, but could radiation alter the
molecular structure of a... substance?
From organic to inorganic?
So, uh, we're a radio-biologist now,
are we, Dooley?
Just a minute.
Try these for starters.
- All I wanted to know...
- [Gottlieb] The answer is yes.
But what substance?
- Like an egg.
- What kind of an egg?
Doesn't... [sighs]
- Chicken, turkey, duck?
- Duck?
- Please don't mention duck to me.
- Sorry.
Anyway, your experiment has been done.
Um, 1903.
It was, um... a young medical student
at, um, the Royal Viennese Hospital.
His name was, um, schultz or Schmaltz...
Oh, here. [laughs] Schwartz.
In... In searching
for a chemical background
for radiogenic
inflammation from radium,
Gottwald Schwartz exposed
an egg to becquerel rays.
Both the organic and inorganic
molecules suffered a change, you see?
Yes, yes, yes.
There was no change
in the white of the egg.
But there was conspicuous change
in the yolk.
Yolk, that's it. That's it.
I mean, that's [clears throat]
Quite interesting.
Didn't, uh...
...change it into any kind of, uh...
...metal, did it?
What do you want, Dooley, gold?
Well, you said anything was possible.
Possible, yes. But...
...making a golden egg?
- That's for Aesop's Fables, isn't it?
- Yes, yes.
But, uh, gold has been made, uh,
synthetically, hasn't it?
Yes, with nuclear bombardment, but...
...we know what that costs, don't we?
It doesn't pay.
- [Phone rings]
- Excuse me.
[Gottlieb] Dr. Gottlieb.
I'll be right there.
Excuse me.
Uh, I have to go recheck
the IQ of the chimp. [chuckles]
Hundred and forty. Higher than mine.
We've run quite a few tests
on that metal of yours.
- Yes...
- Darndest thing we ever ran across.
- But is it...
- You won't believe this report.
It's... Well, it's wild.
- Then it's not...
- Look here, Dooley.
The metal contains traces
of D-Galacturonic acid.
Now, isn't that wild?
- Do you know what that is? It's pectin.
- Pectin?
Pectin that's been
hydrolyzed under intense heat.
Pectin comes from apple peelings.
No, no, it's true. And look,
it also has a trace of garlic in it.
I don't want to hear any more,
as long as it's not gold.
What do you mean?
It's practically pure gold.
- What?
- It has some weird impurities in it.
There's one element we can't even
identify. Not related to any of...
- Pure gold.
...the 103 known chemical elements.
Now, Mr. Dooley, you didn't, um...
You didn't get hold of
a moon rock, did you?
Moon rock? Me? No, no, no.
I've never even been out of California.
- Where'd you dig up this gold?
- Dig? I didn't dig.
- A plaster deposit?
- Well, yes...
It was deposited, you might say.
Thank you very much.
Wait, don't you want your report?
You paid for it.
Oh, yes. Yes.
Report, thank you very much.
So, this is an assayer's report,
so what?
So, that's why I need a lawyer.
- To help me incorporate.
- Incorporate what?
Fred, that sample
is the yolk of a duck egg.
Oh, come on, Albert.
I know how incredible this must sound
to your legal, pragmatic mind,
but in 1903,
a Viennese scientist...
You ever read Aesop's Fables?
One about the goose?
Do you think you ought to be
driving in your condition?
I'm telling you, Fred, that fable
may be scientifically feasible.
All right. Pull over, I'll drive.
Okay, skeptic.
I'm going to show you one of
those gold eggs actually being laid.
- [Brakes screech]
- Watch it, Albert.
You crazy ding-a-ling driver, Orlo!
Orlo! I'm not even in the car.
That's Arvin. Bigot.
Now you just lie there and relax
and forget all about
that nasty, old Treasury office.
Thank you, dear.
You're a good person.
[Engine revving, popping]
[Albert] Come on, Fred.
I'll get the duck, make Hooper's dog
bark at it and you'll see.
Albert, I'm glad you're home.
Go upstairs and talk to Jim.
Not now. I've got news for you.
Our financial worries are over.
He's broken-hearted
because I was trying...
You're not listening. We're going
to be rich. Beyond our wildest dreams.
Oh, honey,
I always knew you'd make good.
Even when Papa kept saying, "Don't marry
that no-good, lazy, you-know."
It's nothing I did. It's Charlie.
Remember those eggs
I was going to bury?
Brace yourself. They're gold.
Uh... Don't look that way.
I'm not kidding you. It's true.
Oh, Albert, I believe you.
- What's the matter?
- I gave the duck to Mr. Purdham.
- [Mumbles]
- Albert, you told me to.
I was sorry I did,
because Jimmy's been crying...
No, no, no.
- Oh! Where does Purdham live?
- I'm not sure.
- Think, think, think.
- I am!
Oh, I'm trying.
Uh, uh, uh...
- Where does Purdham live?
- Try the cookie jar.
- The cookie jar?
- That's where I keep my addresses.
We've got to find that duck,
before anything happens to him.
[Albert] Chicken chow mein.
Purdham. Purdham. Oak Road.
Come on.
[Albert] Get in the car, Fred.
[Engine revving]
[Jimmy] Hey, Daddy, wait.
Well, look, I'll, uh...
Guess I could...
...give you five dollars for it.
Well, I know I never
turn down a good deal.
You'll find the duck in the pen,
back of the barn yonder.
Hello, Mr. Purdham.
[Albert] Oh, no. There's got to be
a million of them.
[Jimmy] Charlie.
Charlie. Charlie.
Charlie. Where are you, Charlie?
This is getting us no place.
This duck doesn't respond
to normal things, like its name.
- You know what we need?
- A good psychiatrist.
- No.
- [Calling for Charlie]
We need something
it does respond to.
Start barking, Fred.
It's our only chance, Fred. Bark.
Wait a minute.
What am I doing?
A sane adult, with a law degree
crawling around a barnyard,
barking at fowls?
Trying to find some stupid duck
who lays solid gold...
solid gold eggs!
I'll never see Charlie again.
Come on, we're not going
to give up till we're licked.
We'll find him. Charlie?
[Barking, quacking]
[Katie calling Charlie]
Hey, where you going?
They're getting away from us!
Come on, Fred.
Whoa, whoa. Come back.
Get back here. Go back, ducks.
- They're getting into the pond.
- Head them off.
Back, you ducks! Get back!
Get them out of the water.
Get them back on the shore.
Here, here.
What's going on?
- You said only one duck.
- Something happened to the gate and...
And get these critters
back in the pen.
- [Katie] Get back.
- [Purdham] Back, back.
- [Barking]
- Back, back.
Charlie! Oh, Charlie!
Daddy, I found him! I found Charlie.
Hey, wait.
Come back, help me.
- I knew I'd find her.
- You sure it's her, son?
I know it is. It's Charlie.
Well, there's one way to find out.
Hold her on the ground, Fred.
Maybe only Hooper's dog can do it.
No reflection on you, dear.
Why, Albert, you don't
sound like Hooper's dog at all.
Uh, he goes more like...
Hey, I think she's got it. Pitch.
Pitch. It might be a matter of pitch.
Come on. Yeah, Charlie.
What do you think now, skeptic?
you're looking at a believer.
Figuring it's weight in troy ounces,
at the pegged gold price,
that's over 900 bucks a yolk.
That's right.
If she laid four eggs in,
how long did you say?
- About ten minutes.
- Uh, that would be...
...over 20,000 dollars an hour.
And if she worked
a six-hour day, uh,
give or take a couple
of coffee breaks, uh,
corn breaks.
Al, baby!
We're talking about
a 100,000 dollar a day business.
That's right. If I can find the formula
to keep her producing.
Oh, you'll do it. You'll do it.
The big problem is, how do we
legally protect our fortune?
"Our" fortune? What do you mean,
"our" fortune?
Look, Al, sweetheart,
I'm only trying
to save you money.
By making me a partner, you'll save
all those exorbitant lawyer's fees.
- Uh-huh.
- I'll have to devote full time,
figuring how to incorporate a duck,
and not have the
internal revenuers on our neck.
I got your clothes
all nice and dry for you.
Oh, fine.
How did you manage to do this, Katie?
Oh, it was no trouble, really.
Anyway, the thing to do is sit tight
until I figure things out.
And don't tell anybody
about this, especially, uh...
- Hooper?
- Right.
We don't want that government
stool pigeon snooping around.
The first thing I'm going to do is
get rid of that junk heap I'm driving.
I saw the most fantastic
yellow sports car.
Hold it.
- Don't spend any of that money yet.
- What?
Make no changes
in your living standards.
- You mean not pay our bills?
- Bills, fine.
But we can't risk raising suspicions
until we get this legally protected.
Now, let's try
and get some sleep.
Or, uh... you think we ought to get the duck
and bark out a few more thou?
No, the duck's asleep with Jimmy
and I don't want Jimmy disturbed.
And, Fred...
Don't forget to bring my robe back.
That's not part of the deal.
[Katie] Albert.
Do you think maybe now we could
afford to re-shingle our house?
Re-shingle our house?
We could re-shingle the Pentagon.
We could buy the Pentagon.
Well... what would we do with it?
I'm only trying to give you
an idea of our potential.
We have what other men
have only dreamed of.
- It's kind of scary, isn't it?
- You bet it is.
Albert, just how rich will we be?
So rich that we could not
possibly spend it all.
- We could try.
- Now wait a minute.
- I just want to help all I can.
- Fine, but let's not get carried away.
We must keep our sense of values.
Aesop's fable warns us
against avarice.
- Against who?
- Greed, greed.
The fellow in the fable
let greed destroy him.
We won't do that. We're gonna play it
cool, keep our feet on the ground.
- Albert?
- Hmm?
Let's take our cool feet...
and go to bed.
Okay, honey.
I think you ought to close the window.
He might catch cold.
Oh. Oh, right.
Good idea.
Now what?
Some sense of values.
What do you mean?
Boy, he sure was right.
- Who was?
- You know.
I do?
[Katie] Jimmy, your lunch.
Be sure and take good care
of Charlie while I'm gone, Mom.
Don't worry, I will.
Now, run along.
And don't let Mr. Hooper's dog
get him, either.
Will you hurry up? You're gonna be
late for school, goodbye.
[Telephone rings]
Yes. Who?
Oh, uh, the bank.
Well, hi.
Bad checks?
Uh, uh, well, you printed them.
Oh, now, how could a big bank like you
have insufficient funds
and stay in business?
No, Mrs. Dooley. Not us, you.
We've explained several times
that you cannot write checks for more
money than you have in the bank.
[On phone] You could
be arrested for that.
Oh, no. Please don't.
Please, don't call Mr. Dooley.
I can get the money somehow.
[Stammering] Hold on the phone,
just a minute.
[Barking, quacking]
Mr. Meaker, I, uh...
I guess you'll just have to
call my husband about that...
Oh, wait. Wait.
Uh, I'll be right down.
And what is this, Mrs. Dooley?
I'm overdrawn and that's
to un-overdraw me.
Yes, you are overdrawn.
But, what is this thing?
Thing? That's gold.
Worth over 900 troy ounce dollars.
And that's my deposit slip for it.
You recognize that, don't you?
One moment, please.
[Phone rings]
[Clears throat]
- Next, please.
- This way, please.
What kind of a bank is this, anyway?
Sit down.
Mrs. Dooley,
we can hardly take
a trinket for a deposit.
Trinket? Haven't you bankers
ever heard of gold?
Mrs. Dooley, even if that were
gold bouillon there's nothing...
Processed gold
as distinguished from raw gold.
The only thing we can do with this
is turn it over to the Federal Reserve.
That wouldn't do very much
for your account now, would it?
Well, I should say not.
I'll just take it to another bank.
They'll have to do the same thing.
The only possible place you
could take that is to a refinery.
- Hi.
- Hi, honey.
- Where'd you get the hat?
- What hat?
Oh, now Albert, it was on sale.
You know, if you wrote a check
for that hat, we're overdrawn again.
No, we're not.
I deposited over 900 dollars today.
- Where did you get 900 dollars?
- From the refinery.
- You haven't been in the eggs?
- No, not those.
Charlie laid one for me.
- Why did you take it to the refinery?
- Well, the bank told me to.
The bank!
You took it to the...
Did you tell the newspapers, too?
Well, no, Albert, just the bank.
They told me if I didn't cover
my bad checks I would be arrested.
- Would you rather I got arrested?
- No, no, no.
Some husband,
he wants his wife in jail.
Didn't you hear Fred say not to tell
anybody and not to spend the money?
Yes, but what's
the use of having it?
- Hi, partners.
- Don't tell him what I did.
- What did she do?
- I sold an egg to a refinery.
- Good.
- What?
That's all we can do because we
don't have a license to handle gold.
- Well, then get us a license.
- Oh, sure.
Can you see going to
the U.s. Treasury Dept. And saying,
"I'd like a gold license for my little
ducky who lays gold eggs."
- I see what you mean.
- Couldn't Hooper help you?
- He works for the U.s. Treasury.
- Hooper?
He'd confiscate our duck so fast,
it'd singe its feathers off.
Right now, you've got to get
all the gold off the premises.
- Why?
- Federal gold regulations.
You could get ten years in the jug
for hoarding. Read this.
We'll have to think up
a good story to tell the refineries.
You go around trying
to peddle gold duck eggs,
they'll lock you up
in the nut farm.
I did it and they didn't lock me up.
Yes, but you're...
Wait a minute.
You didn't tell them
where the gold came from, did you?
- Well, he asked me.
- Oh, no.
Now the whole world
will be after that duck.
- What did he say when you told him?
- Nothing, he just laughed.
- He laughed?
- Uh-huh.
He just... laughed?
Do you hear that, Albert?
He just laughed.
Don't you see?
She solved our whole problem.
She can tell them the truth
and they'll never believe it.
And they won't lock her up,
no matter how nutty it sounds.
- Now, listen, sweetheart...
- I'm not so sure I want my wife...
- What is that, Fred? A new suit?
- [Scoffs]
Now, listen sweetheart,
here's a list of refineries.
Now don't sell
too many eggs at one time.
- Okay.
- You got a new briefcase, too.
It's nothing, Al, baby.
Keep moving around.
It might look suspicious unloading
too many at one place.
Got it.
Listen, could I buy some new clothes
to wear for this?
Oh, no. No, no, no.
We mustn't spend the money.
- [Man] Mrs. Dooley?
- Yes. Yes.
This is exceptionally
high grade ore.
Our cashier's making
a check out for you.
- Thank you.
- These, um...
These nuggets are very interesting.
All seem to be
the identical size and shape.
- Yes, I noticed that.
- I was curious how they got that way.
Would you believe
a duck laid them?
- A duck laid them.
- [Laughs]
- What kind of duck was that?
- A white one.
A white one.
Little, white duck.
- Thank you. There you are.
- Thank you.
[Stammering] Mrs. Dooley, listen,
about these nuggets...
I really have to dash.
- We don't have your address.
- That's all right. I have it.
Hello, Treasury Department?
This is Carter, down at Alco.
I got something really odd here.
You might want to check it out.
[Making revving noise with mouth]
[Albert] Beauty.
Say, uh,
what's the price of a car like that?
Seven thousand nine hundred
and ninety-five dollars.
- That's not even a dozen eggs.
- I beg your pardon.
Nothing. You wouldn't happen to have
a layaway plan, would you?
- Hardly.
- No, I didn't think so.
Well, I can't buy it now, but...
I'll be back.
According to the phone calls
that have been pouring into
this U.s. Treasury Dept. Office,
this map represents certain refineries
that have been receiving these...
...odd gold nuggets.
We don't know just who the gang is,
but, undoubtedly,
it's an underworld operation.
Otherwise, why would they spread those
nuggets around those various refineries?
You figure it's Mafia controlled, chief?
- Probably something worse.
- Worse?
Gentlemen, they may have
learned how to make gold.
Well, that's not very probable.
That can only be done by atomic
bombardment and the cost is prohibitive.
I know that.
The point I'm trying to make is that
they've found a way to make gold
cheap enough to put on the market.
Our top chemists can't even identify
some of the elements,
and there are traces of such bizarre
impurities as apple pectin.
Apples in gold?
[Rutledge] Don't laugh.
Remember what happened to common,
every day, ordinary bread mold?
But Mr. Morgan here,
of the Federal Reserve Bank
has something further to say to us
on the subject.
Gentlemen, this...
...this thing just cannot happen.
I mean, money...
money is the greatest...
What we've got to do is ferret out
and stop this nefarious gang of...
I hesitate to think
what would happen
if this were to get out of this room.
- [Phone rings]
- [Clears throat]
Excuse me.
Rutledge here.
Yes, he is, just a sec.
For you.
President of the New York
stock Exchange, he says it's urgent.
Take it on one.
Hello, Bob.
What rumor?
Synthetic gold?
[Stammering] Where did you hear that?
Your barber.
Oh, no, Bob.
No, no, no. Absolutely nothing to that.
Nothing to it at all.
Well, we have had a little flap
about gold around here,
but everything
is absolutely under control.
You tell Wall street just to relax.
Right, Bob.
Right, Bob.
Bye, Bob.
Good heavens,
how would his barber...
[phone rings]
You again.
Take it on two.
Hello. Yes, this is he.
The state Department?
Hello, Rog.
Oh, no.
[Stammering] That's just a rumor.
Rumor or not, Ed, this could play hob
with our foreign monetary agreements.
Believe me, Rog, we are
right on top of this thing.
No, siree.
Not a single foreign country
will hear anything about it.
[Speaks in French]
Get me the U.s. Ambassador.
How dare they meddle with their gold.
It's all ours.
Da. America is producing instant gold.
It is a plot.
If those bloody Americans are
fabricating the stuff, we're done in.
Please get the formula.
Americans make it for ten dollars
an ounce, we make it $8.95.
The White House?
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Yes, sir. I fully realize you have
enough trouble without this.
Yes, sir. I understand, sir.
[Stammering] Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Gentlemen, I think
your duty is quite clear.
- Rutledge.
- Huh?
It's in your hands.
What leads do you
have on this gang, chief?
Uh, oh... Uh...
Yes, well... [clears throat]
So far, the only lead we have
is the name of the bag man.
Bag woman.
Known under
various aliases, such as...
...K.W. Dooley.
Quote Katie Klaus quote Dooley.
Mrs. Albert Dooley.
Francis Abigail Dooley.
What was after Albert...
Albert Dooley?
That's my neighbor.
Your neighbor?
Well, it's not my fault.
I was there first.
They moved in and I...
Oh, Katie and Albert Dooley.
I knew there was something
about that professor.
[Clippers snipping]
Really, now?
A man of your age?
I was doing undercover work.
Yes, I can see that.
[Car approaching]
Hi, neighbor.
How's it going there, friend?
Oh, um...
Having a little vacation.
I thought I'd spend it...
...fixing up the house.
Have fun.
Hooper suspects something.
Did you tell him anything?
- You forgot to kiss me.
- Answer me, did you?
I haven't even talked to him.
- Well, how about Jimmy?
- Yes, I talked to him.
- He's our son, remember?
- I know that.
Why are you so suspicious of Hooper?
He's being friendly,
what more proof do you need?
- How about that car?
- Beauty, isn't she? Look...
Wait, what happened to not spending
money and no change in living standards?
Right and my new idea
will save us a bundle...
- That's the car I had my eye on.
- Good taste, Al, baby.
Old Freddie-boy is going to see you
get a whole stable full of them.
- Why can't we have a car like that?
- Katie, Katie, Katie...
What's the matter, is that all
you think about, material possessions?
Here I am, slaving my head
to the bone while you... Albert!
How about that
for a company name?
Dooley's Wrought Iron
sauna Baths?
- Yeah.
- What does that have to do with gold?
Nothing. It's a sure loser.
A great tax write-off.
Fine. I can tell you,
we got bigger problems than that.
- New ones?
- Hooper's suspicious, for one thing.
- Hooper?
- Yeah, he spoke to me.
Besides Hooper, I still cannot identify
the radioactive element in our gold.
If I can't identify it,
I don't know what its half-life is.
- If I don't know its half-life...
- Hold it. What is this half-life?
The rate of disintegration
of a radioactive substance.
In other words,
it could run out.
Run out?
You mean our duck
could stop laying gold eggs?
Well... You mean that duck could be
washed up right now?
It's possible.
Well, get it, Al. Get it and check.
Katie, bring the duck.
You don't have to shout.
I have 20l20 hearing.
- Where's Charlie?
- Out.
What do you mean out?
Jimmy took him for a ride in that
cute car with the Wadlow boys.
The Wadlow boys?
Not that! The way those maniacs drive,
there goes our Charlie. Come on.
You guys said you'd take
me and Charlie for a ride.
Take it easy, man.
We will.
Can't you just put the battery in? Ow!
- Go help him.
- Hey.
Look, if you're gonna hang around
here, man, you gotta shape up, okay?
Hey, get that duck off there, he'll fry!
Get him off!
- Hey, Arvin, look. He likes it.
- Huh?
[Orlo] He's outta sight.
Jimmy, you want to sell him?
We'll give you two bucks cash.
No, sir. He's my friend.
I got an idea.
[Radio plays music]
[Boys laughing]
[Jimmy] Go, Charlie. Great.
- What do you think you're doing?
- Don't do that, we're having fun.
The fun's over, son.
But they're gonna take me and Charlie
for a ride.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
They're not taking this duck
in that death trap.
Hold on, Mr. Dooley.
Doesn't that duck belong to Jimmy?
Yeah, you're violating his civil rights.
It's not a civil rights case.
It's property rights.
Albert, Jimmy's upstairs crying.
What did you do to him?
I didn't do anything to him.
I'm just protecting the duck.
We can't take chances like that.
[Fred] In fact, we have to take
it away from Jimmy altogether.
[Albert] I guess you're right.
[Katie] You can't do that.
Jimmy loves that duck.
It's his pal, now that
you've turned against him.
Turned against him?
This is all academic if Charlie
can't produce anymore.
Come on, Al, baby. Come on.
[Hooper's wife] Finley!
Serves you right... masher.
Uh, Jimmy? Hi, Jimmy.
Getting big, aren't you?
Why don't you come over here,
I got something to show you.
I'm not supposed
to go into your yard.
That's all right.
I've got a present for you. Come on.
- That's for me?
- If you want it.
My little nephew outgrew it.
Boy, oh, boy.
Vroom, vroom.
Say, this is a nice duck
you've got here.
I'll bet she lays
a lot of nice eggs.
Yeah, lots of them.
You know something?
I've never seen a real duck egg.
Do you suppose that I could
get her to lay one for me?
I don't know.
- My dad can. He barks at her.
- He does? [stammers] He barks?
Why don't I try that? You come
over here and hold her and I'll try it.
Here we go.
Anything happen back there? No.
[Dog barks]
- Come home now, Jimmy.
- But look at the bike Mr. Hooper...
Right now and bring Charlie. Hurry.
And you, Mr. Hooper.
Stealing your neighbor's eggs.
Aren't you ashamed?
That's right, Albert, he knows.
No, he didn't get the egg, but...
Well, I can't keep the duck
locked up all the time,
it's only human, you know.
Yes. All right.
Crisis, Fred.
Hooper's hip.
I'll meet you at the house as quick
as I can sneak away from here, okay?
[Gottlieb] Dooley?
- [Squealing]
- Dooley! Dooley!
What he has is this little duck.
- Did you say duck?
- Yes. Duck.
[Chuckling] I got it.
Evidently some kind of
a new gangland code word.
No, just plain duck.
You know, "quack, quack."
And this duck lays gold eggs.
It's true. I saw it happen.
They bark at it.
- Bark at it?
- Yeah, like a dog.
[Barks] They bark... Just like...
And that causes the duck
to lay these... gold eggs.
- I see.
- I did it myself.
You laid a gold egg, Hoop?
Oh, yeah, it wasn't easy...
No, I didn't.
I barked at it,
the duck, it laid the gold egg.
Oh, yes, well...
Very interesting.
Look, why don't you stop by my office
sometime tomorrow and... and me
have a little chat.
Chief, wait a minute,
I know it sounds...
You confiscate the duck
and I'll prove it.
- How long you been with the Department?
- It was after Prohibition...
Chief, there may be
something to this.
I checked with a Dr. Gottlieb
at the University lab,
and he said something about Dooley
trying to make gold out of eggs.
I thought he was putting me on,
but with Hooper telling us...
Aren't those nuggets all about
the same size as an egg yolk?
So... stop that.
It's all some fairy tale talk.
Sure, chief, but look at the facts.
[Phone rings]
Hooper here. Yes, Mr. Morgan,
we haven't struck yet, but it's a duck.
- Lays gold eggs. Duck.
- Let me have that.
Hi, Morg. Rutledge here.
Thank you, same to you.
There does seem to be a certain
degree of duck involvement here,
we don't know just...
No, duck. D-u...
Not a word's gotten out.
A duck?
Quack, quack.
Try to trade them for it.
Offer them all their gold.
Sell all our mines and buy up every
bloody duck from here to Cape Town.
Get the blueprint of U.s. Duck.
Make same thing.
Plastic. Half price.
Now just let me
say this about that.
Get that duck.
Do you understand?
- [On phone] Get that duck.
- Bye-bye.
All right, men.
We're moving in.
Now, here's the strategy.
- Where's Charlie?
- Upstairs with Jimmy.
Good. Where's the egg?
That's what we want. We got to get rid
of the duck, too. Got any more of these?
- Give me the egg.
- What are you doing?
- I handle the eggs.
- Boys.
I know what you're trying to do,
and I'm the egg man.
- Where are you going?
- Not now, Eunice, please.
- We're all adults.
- It's my egg, too.
Enough! Go upstairs
and get the duck.
Now wait just a minute.
I will decide what I am going to do.
I'm going upstairs
and get the duck.
[Knocking on door]
Oh, hello, there, neighbor. I...
I thought you might like to meet my
colleagues down at the Treasury Dept.
- This is Mr. Rutledge, Mr. Smith...
- A pleasure.
Hope you can come back
when I'm not so busy.
Mr. Dooley.
Hold it.
Treasury men aren't entitled
to barge in without a search warrant.
Got it right here.
- There you are.
- [Hooper] Dooley.
Mr. Rutledge wants
to see your duck.
- What duck?
- Oh, come on now, Dooley.
You mean my little boy's pet?
Mr. Dooley, we have an eyewitness
who will attest to the fact
that you have
a duck that lays... gold eggs.
Gold eggs? What'd you do
a dumb thing like that for?
41,000 dollars worth of eggs,
and not one cent
of income tax has been declared.
Well, sir, this duck of yours
could very well be
the most single valuable asset
in the United states today.
That duck is a natural resource.
Like Hoover Dam.
That duck's entitled to the
protection of the U.s. Government.
You have no proof that
my client's duck lays gold eggs.
I understand that the duck
will produce on command.
That's right.
I've done it myself.
- You bark at it.
- I'll get the duck.
Wait a minute, you have your rights.
I'd like to confer with my client.
- All right, you got 30 seconds.
- Come on.
- Are you out of your mind?
- Don't worry.
I'll bark in the wrong pitch
and she won't produce.
- You're sure she won't cross us up?
- No way.
I'll get the duck.
I'd better, he might not give it to you.
He's not too crazy about you these days.
- Don't let her out of your sight.
- [Katie] No.
I am not going upstairs
with some strange man.
It's okay.
- [Katie] He's gone.
- The duck?
- No, Jimmy.
- He went out the window with the duck.
- [Albert] They're gone?
- You tricked us.
- Shut up.
- Don't just everybody stand there.
- Please go out and find him.
- All right, I'll handle it.
Beckert, smith, Forbes,
outside, deploy, cover the area.
- Hooper, stick with me.
- Right behind you.
Katie's right,
we have to find that duck.
Not the duck, Fred. My son.
Mrs. Hooper. Mrs. Hooper.
Did you see the Dooley kid
run out of his house?
- With the duck?
- I sure did.
He got a bicycle out of
our garage and took off.
- Which way did he go?
- That way.
Forbes, come on, let's go.
Why don't you watch
what you're doing?
Poor Jimmy. If we'd never
gotten that darn duck.
[Albert] We'll find him.
[Tires screech]
There's his bike.
Come on.
Turn around, let's go.
[Hooper] There, chief.
[Tires screech]
Search that truck.
- [Hooper] Not in there. Not in there.
- [Rutledge] Huh?
Hey! What are you bums
doing to my truck?
Sorry, sir. This is U.s. Official
United states government business.
We know you got
a duck here somewhere.
A duck?
Hey. I know.
This is Candid Camera, right?
Where is it? Eh? Where is it?
Okay, Mack. Move.
[Rutledge] Let's check the alley.
There's no sign of him around here.
- There they are.
- Wait for us.
Come on, boy.
[Jimmy] Charlie!
- [Woman] What are you doing?
- Charlie!
Stop it, come here.
[Brakes screech, crash]
I saw. The truck swerved
to miss the duck.
Hey! It's our old buddy, Jimmy.
[Man] What did you want?
Hit the duck?
- Come on.
- Don't let them get Charlie.
- Who's after him, man?
- Everybody. Even the government.
- The government...
- Come on, haul it.
- All right, cool it.
- Come on, Charlie. You're mine.
There they are.
The Wadlows have him.
Never mind that. Get up here
and move that car out of the way.
I said move it.
- Watch out.
- Hey!
Wait a minute. They're always ready,
and boy do we need them.
[Fred] Get in.
Should we leave a note for somebody?
Get in, get in, get in!
Albert! Jump on.
Stop this thing.
He's gonna be killed up there.
- Try and lower him.
- How do you work this crazy thing?
Hey, Fred!
[Albert] Turn right at the next corner.
Hey, Fred. Watch it!
That was a red light.
[Orlo] Hey, look what they're
chasing us with.
I sure gotta hand it to your old man.
He's something else.
For crying out loud!
- Take it easy.
- Hang on, Albert.
Fred. Fred!
What are you trying to do, kill me?
Stop. We're gonna decaptivate him.
[Brakes screech]
What are you trying to pull now?
What do you think?
I'm waiting for a streetcar...
Go, Forbes, after him.
Here we go.
[Sirens wail]
Get around that fool truck
and we got them.
Come on, pass him, will you?
Your dad's cool,
but he sure is a show-off.
[Horn blaring]
Hold it. Hold it.
You got to have a ticket.
Swing back to that garage,
we got them now.
[Man] I didn't do it!
You can't make a U-turn here, stupid.
Who do you think you are?
[Everyone shouting]
Thank you. Move along, folks.
Break it up.
- Official government business.
- Government?
No wonder you got
everything all loused up.
The boys are in the parking garage.
Wait, you can't
bring this thing in here.
- My son is in here.
- I don't care who's in here.
[Attendant] Get this heap out of here.
Will you please take my money?
I'm in an awful hurry.
Will you get this out of here now!
Hey, over there.
- Come on.
- Come on.
[Arvin] Come on, move it!
[Arvin] Over you go, Jimmy.
[Orlo] Arvin, a ladder.
[Albert] Jimmy!
[Arvin] Okay, over you go.
- Be brave, pal. Attaboy.
- [Albert] Where are you?
- Easy does it.
- Easy, Jim. Come on.
[Arvin] Okay. There you go.
[Jimmy] Help.
[Orlo] Hang on, we'll get you.
Just hang on.
- [Orlo] We'll find something.
- Jimmy.
Don't move. Don't move, son.
- Jimmy.
- Go away, Daddy.
- Give me your hand.
- You just want Charlie, that's all.
Jimmy, put your hand in mine.
Just go away, Daddy.
- [Cracking]
- Daddy, help!
Oh, Jimmy.
Oh, my son.
- [Quacking]
- [Rutledge] Hooper.
Daddy, don't let them take Charlie.
Don't let 'em.
Sorry, son, there's nothing
I can do about that now.
- [Quacking]
- Charlie, Charlie, Charlie!
I'm sorry, sonny. I'm sorry.
We've got to put Charlie under
protective custody for his own good.
Let's go home.
I'll explain it all to you later.
- So long, gentlemen.
- No.
You're not going home,
you're coming along with us.
- You're under arrest.
- Arrest?
Suspicion of violation
of federal gold regulations.
- He didn't mean to.
- Sorry. Come on, Dooley.
Well, at least you're lucky, old boy.
My son disowned me, I've lost a fortune
and I've been arrested
by the federal government.
Right. But you've got a darn good
lawyer to handle your case.
Thanks, Fred.
[Sirens wail]
[Crowd shouting]
[Man] Where are the gold eggs?
[Man] Right on time, Charlie.
- [Man] What's that duck really worth?
- Will the duck testify?
Sorry, you can't get
into the trial. That's regulations.
We cover riot cases, rapes and spies,
but a rich duck? Oh, no.
Sorry, gentlemen.
[Lawyer] Mr. Hooper, did you actually
witness the duck lay a golden egg?
[Hooper] Yes, sir.
- Did you make it perform this feat?
- I did, indeed.
[Lawyer] Would you
demonstrate it for us?
I'd be happy to.
It's the wrong pitch, isn't it?
Your Honor,
he's not doing it right.
- Sit down.
- I'd like to get this out in the open.
If that duck can lay gold eggs,
then we should establish that.
If I've done anything wrong,
I'll accept the consequences.
- You're out of your mind.
- If we lose the duck, so be it.
It's just that now I know
that there are things...
...a darn sight
more valuable to me.
Excuse me.
One more time, Charlie.
There it is. There's the evidence.
Break that open and look inside of it.
You're gonna get it now.
Wait till it...
[crowd muttering]
It's run out. Finished.
[Judge bangs gavel] Case dismissed
because of lack of evidence.
But Your Honor, the defendant has
40,000 dollars in various banks.
[Judge] Well, good for him.
Since when are we against
the accumulation of a few dollars,
as a result of individual initiative?
This country was built on
enterprise and ingenuity.
Let's don't lose that.
Only bad thing is, he won't be able
to keep more of the money,
after he pays his income tax on it.
You know, for a worthless creature,
you sure have caused a lot of trouble.
- Here you are, Professor.
- Thank you, Your Honor.
But, you're wrong about this duck
being worthless, it has great value.
It was just that I was a little
confused about what that value was.
- Forever?
- Really forever, pal.
[Judge] One word of caution, son.
If it ever lays another gold egg...
...bury it. Quick.
[Crowd cheering, duck quacking]