The Next Best Thing (2000) Movie Script

To the left.
Open your chest.
- Here you go, boss.
- Thanks.
- Hi.
- I couldn't get a sitter.
It's okay. Go get a mat.
Hi. Hi. Hi.
You wanna do yoga?
A thousand dollars for dirt?
Since when does dirt
cost a thousand dollars?
"Dirt cheap" is an expression,
Mrs Griffiith.
It doesn't apply to a city
built on a desert.
Here you go.
You sit right there.
- Thankyou.
- Thankyou.
Hey, where do you think
you're going?
Mama was queen ofthe mambo
Papa wasking ofthe Congo
Deep down in thejungle
lstartedbangin'my first bongo
- Everymonkey like--
- Hello.
- He's really doing it.
- Who's doing what?
Kevin. He's leaving me.
- Where are you?
- I'm coweringbehinda flowerpot...
in my courtyard.
- How do I stop him?
- Don't, don't, don't stop him.
Just let him go, Abbie.
- My hands are shaking.
- Listen, lthoughtyou were
supposedto be ayoga teacher.
Just pull yourself up by your chakras
and do exactly what I say.
Now, in my opinion, the best defence
is a good pretence....
sojust pretend you're going out.
Justget alldressedup
inyourSundaybest andleave.
- And then what?
- Rush over to my house
and tell me all about it.
- Did I come at a bad time?
- Oh, no, I'm used to it, Kevin.
- You always come before I'm ready.
- I'll come back
for the rest of my stuff later.
No, let'sjust get this over with.
Holler ifyou need any help.
- It's not gonna work this time.
- What's not gonna work?
Your fantastic body.
Then you won't mind
doing up my dress.
- You don't have to stop.
- Yes, I do.
If I don't,
it'll start all over again...
and then it'll end
all over again.
Don't you think there's a chance
we can still work this out?
Look, it's not you, okay? It's me.
I mean, you're-- you're-- you're great.
You know, you're-- you're smart,
you're-- you're-- you're beautiful...
you're a good cook
and you are a great lay.
I'm just-- I'm just not ready,
all right? l-l'm-- I'm not there yet.
- Well, where is "there," Kevin?
- Commitment-wise. You're
way too much for me right now.
Wait a minute.
Are you saying that if I had
less to offeryou, you'd have
more ofa future together?
Okay. You want the truth?
I-l wanna date
less complicated women.
- What?
- I wanna come home
and we'd go out to dinner...
and people come over and talk to me,
and she smiles and she nods, okay?
And then we go home
and we do it...
and she doesn't instruct me
like an air traffiic controller.
- I do not instruct you.
- And in the morning, she understands...
that she's got to leave quickly,
so I can get on with the rest of my day
and I don't have to think about it.
Okay? That's what I want
right now. Simplicity.
No, what you want is a bimbo,
and that's exactly what you deserve.
- Robert was so right about you.
- Do you think I give a shit what
that faggot thinks about me?
Wait a minute. Kevin.
- Please don't leave me like this.
- Look, I don't love you.
It's over.
Theysaythat falling in love--
I am the only one
who's seen both.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Ethel is and always will be
the defiinitive Annie...
and that bottle-blonde upstart cannot
hold a six-shooter to Merman.
It's true. True!
- Okay, so, uh, one heart.
- Are you bidding? Thankyou. Pass.
- Four clubs.
- Four diamonds, and I
don't mean rhinestones.
Oh, good. Robert's arrived.
Now we can settle this Annie Get
YourGun controversy once and for all.
- Robert, Merman or Hutton? Who reigns?
- I have no idea, you guys.
I'm afraid I flunked
on gay history.
- Pity, Robbie, pity.
- Take a tutorial.
- Silly boys.
- Let's move on, shall we? I pass.
Come on.
I told you there'd be tears
before bedtime.
- Another two years down the drain.
- Listen, Abbie.
You settled for less, you got less.
That's it. That's the end ofthe story.
Full stop. Now, if I were you,
and I practically am...
I'd turn my little red wagon
around and I'd get off
that dead-end street pronto.
I feel like Kevin was my last chance
for a normal life.
- Now you're really scaring me.
- Robert, look at me.
- I'm not 24 any more.
- You're not even 34 any more. So what?
Maybe I'd like to have
a family at some point...
before it's too late.
Abbie, I thinkyou should sort things
out with your own wacky family...
before you think about creating
a dysfunctional carbon copy
ofyour own.
-Oh, thankyou. I knew you'd understand.
-Ifyou want to have a kid,
just go ahead and have one.
- With what man?
- You don't need to have a man
to have a child.
This is the 2 1 st century.
Just go out and buy yourself
some nice, frozen lvy League sperm...
swish it around in a test tube
and bottoms up.
I don't wanna have
a baby that way.
Well, then go to China and buy one.
I wanna have a baby
with someone I love...
and I'm never gonna meet anybody,
and pretty soon it'sjust gonna be
another thing I didn't do.
Listen, darling, ifthis evening's
gonna turn into a pity party...
I'm gonna go up to the big house
and sing Annie Get YourGun
with the others.
Can't I just be sad?
Can't you just humour me?
Oh, all right.
Well, actually, not all right.
I can't commiserate with you. Not about
breaking up with that asshole Kevin.
Itjust makes me too angry.
you are the most beautiful woman
I know.
And I think more highly ofyou
than you do ofyourself.
- What is it with straight guys in L.A.?
- There aren't any.
I can't imagine any man letting you
slip through his fiingers. Really.
You're the only woman in the world
that I would like to...
- Ow!
- Thanks.
Anyway, let's drink to never
having to see that loser again...
or talk about him!
I have to.
Might as well just go to the studio now
and get it over with.
Because he still
has my house keys.
Are you going to sacrifiice your last
shred ofself-respect for a set of keys?
- I think so.
- That is tragic.
This is how much I care.
I'll handle this.
This here.
- Turn the hi-hats down.
- This is radio all day. Clubs.
- Good stuff. I hear a single.
- Keep the bass
bumpin' like that, though.
Get the bass goin'.
- Keep the bottle head up.
- More bass. Put more bass in.
Hear that? Make you wanna grow
a big-ass Afro, huh?
- Hi, hi.
- What the--
Robert, what the hell
are you doing here?
I haven't come here to argue.
I just want the keys.
You know what I'm talking about.
The house keys. Hand 'em over!
- I don't have your keys.
- No more excuses, poopsie.
I haven't got time for the pain.
Hey, Kev, look like
your bitch need a shave.
- Actually, I wax.
- He's not my bitch, okay?
-So what you sayin'? You the bitch, Kev?
-I'm not anybody's bitch, all right?
- Abbie put you up to this, didn't she?
- Oh, A-Abbie-- Abbie.
Is that what you're calling me
this month to your chocolate-covered
peanut gallery?
- Yo Mama!
- This is precisely why...
I'm leaving him, everyone.
This double life
is tearing my roots apart.
Just give me the keys, please,
to Abbie's house.
- Yeah, give this punk the keys, Kev.
- You left a few things at home.
- Toothbrush. Ha!
- A toothbrush?
- A girl's best friend: knee pads!
- Knee pads!
- Nair.
- Nair!
- Kevin!
Oh, one more thing.
You forgot these.
- Oh, man!
- You slut!
Want the keys? Huh?
Get the hell outta here!
Kev, those rubbers
wasn't even lubricated, dog.
Oh, look what you
made happen, Kev.
- You're not gonna even
walk her to the car?
- Oh, that's funny.
Go suck it down, Kev!
Come on. Hurry up.
Get in the car.
Yes! Hurry up!
Neverunderestimate us
- Can'tstop
- Thanks, Mary.
You're welcome, Muriel.
- Neverunderestimate us
- Drive!
- Ooh! This is madness!
- Can'tstop
I'm so glad you guys are here.
If it weren't foryou,
I'd feel like I was crashing
my own boyfriend's funeral.
Who are the pallbearers?
Ugh. A grab bag ofJoe's relatives
he couldn't relate to.
Wouldn't participate in his life,
but they'd drive across three states
to attend his funeral.
What's he wearing in there?
I said his favouritejeans and
a T-shirt. They said, "No, a suit."
So I said, "Okay, fiine. That black
St Laurent double-breasted velvet suit."
- He loved that suit.
- I love that suit.
- Oh, I love that suit.
- "Too loud," they said.
- A black suit?
"Too gay" is what they meant.
So now he's in one
of his brother's old suits.
Hugo Boss, I believe.
Death in Boss.
So the black velvet suit
is still around?
- Sorry.
- I just wish I could have
given him what he wanted.
Joe wanted to be cremated...
his ashes scattered to the wind
inJoshua Tree with...
Don McLean's "American Pie" playing
really, really loud on a boom box.
- Family said no.
- Why?
- God.
- Ask her.
Lord God,
bless this grave...
and send your angel
to watch over it.
Joe did not want
all this Gothic hocus-pocus.
- Shh.
- I feel like I'm in The Omen.
There's always great sadness
when we say goodbye to a loved one...
especially one
so beloved asJoseph...
struck down in his prime
by pneumonia.
Pneumonia. Please.
This is the hardest thing most of us
will ever have to face...
to stand at the grave
ofa loved one.
Lord, welcome our brother
to paradise...
and may Your light
shine on him.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- Ican't rememberiflcried
- Shh.
When lreadabout
his widowedbride
Butsomething touchedme
deep inside
The day
The music died
So, bye, bye
MissAmerican Pie
Drove my Chevyto the levee
But the levee wasdry
- Themgoodol'boys were drinkin '
- Goodbye,Joe.
the daythat ldie
This'llbe the daythat ldie
They were singin '
Bye, bye,
MissAmerican Pie
Drove my Chevyto the levee
But the levee wasdry
were drinkin' whiskyandrye
the daythat ldie
When I die,
I don't want to be buried...
and I don't want to be burned.
Just cut me up
and stuff me in this freezer...
next to these frozen pizzas
for the next hundred years.
Hey. Robert.
It's okay.
- Please stay with me tonight.
- Yeah.
Justsixmore spots to fill.
Ourfifth finalist,
Miss Colombia!
Is Miss Colombia
clenching herjaw or what?
She's totally wired on Fen-Phen.
Hope she wins.
Do you think they're all really
popular and have boyfriends?
Look at Miss Venezuela.
She looks so happy.
You crazy?
She's got Vaseline on her teeth,
her national costume is too tight...
she's been smiling nonstop
for the last two years...
and her shoes are too small.
She reminds me
of myselfon a date.
- I can't imagine ever dating again.
- Oh, shut up.
'Course you can.
Just think of it as a pageant.
Yeah. Miss Hopeful.
Ifyou were to win
tonight's contest...
what would be your fiirst act
as Miss Universe?
Well, I would get down
on my hands and knees...
and I would promise to change
everything about myselfto please you.
That doesn't work.
I've tried it.
I've been down
on my hands and knees.
Yes, well, I fiind that hard
not to believe.
Grovelling, that is,
for love and affection.
Do you still miss him?
Well, I don't miss
being fiirst runner-up.
Yeah, I miss him.
He was totally me.
- Happy lndependence Day.
- Bottoms up.
Turning thesituation
'rounda little more
Making it looklike things
Arejust fine
- You cangoyour way
- Ooh, lady.
-Shudderto think--
-You need to have your back waxed again.
Touch in aplace
that makes it a love thing
Straight to the face
One-way love
wouldbe a miracle
Touch in aplace
That makes it a love thing
Straight to the face
at any rate
One-way love
wouldbe a miracle
Touch in aplace
One-way love
wouldbe a miracle
Dreamilypassing by
Wordssort ofcome andgo
Come up here.
- How long have they been together?
- Oh, I don't know. Since the lce Age.
- Hmm?
- Abbie, don't touch anything.
These people are maniacs
about their stuff.
They seem so easygoing.
Don't be fooled by the alcoholic haze
they walk around in.
- Sorry.
- You're a total liability.
FlyingDown To Eio,
Top Hat...
The GayDivorcee,
Swing Time.
Nothing but '30s musicals.
- They got stuck in the Depression.
- So did l.
Steppin'out with mybaby
Ican'tgo wrong
'cause I'm in right
It's forsure
not formaybe
- That I'm alldressedup tonight
- This'll sort her out.
- Whatever it is you're doing,
put it down.
- Yes.
Neverfelt quiteso sunny
Andlkeep on knockin' wood
Where are you?
- Ta-da!
- Abbie, you are naughty.
- I couldn't help it.
- Ashby's gonna have a coronary.
- You've got to be very careful.
- Don't worry. I'll put it back.
- Whose dress is this?
- Ashby's.
No. Ashby, in his day,
my darling...
was one ofthe most important designers
to ever throw a fiit.
Happy Fourth.
Steppin'out with mybaby
Ican'tgo wrong
'cause I'm in right
It's forsure
andnot formaybe
That I'm alldressedup tonight
Steppin'out with myhoney
Can't be badto feelsogood
quiteso sunny
Andlkeep on knockin' wood
There'llbesmooth sailing
'cause I'm trimmin'mysails
In mytop hat andmy white tie
- Oh, steppin'out with mybaby
- Whoo!
Can'tgo wrong
'cause I'm in right
Askme when willthe daybe
The big daymaybe tonight
Hi, um--
- Is it my imagination, or--
- I know.
I wanted to call you
and tell you all about it...
but I know you're not at home.
Well, leave a message after the beep
and I'll get back to you.
Oh, Christ.
My God, it's half past 1 :00!
They'll be back any minute now.
They're probably driving
from the airport right now.
Please, don'tjust lie there,
Abbie. Do something! Help me
get this place together!
What are these shoes doing here?
- I can't believe you let this happen.
- Me?
You make it sound
like you were seduced.
- I was the one that kept saying no.
- You weren't saying "no."
You were saying "now."
- Ridiculous!
- Anyway, you started it. You kissed me.
I kiss you every day.
We kiss all the time.
Every time we see each other, we kiss.
It's friendly. It's European.
I don't think I've been to that country
in Europe where the natives say hello...
by sticking their tongue
down your throat.
Oh, so you haven't been
to ltaly recently, have you?
We need to talk, Robert.
No, Abbie, we need to get this place
sorted out. Now will you help me
with this couch, now!
Something has happened.
It's not every day ofthe week
that I sleep with my best friend.
Oh, thank God. Look.
We were lonely as hell, and we had
too much to drink. Full stop!
Now, in halfan hour, two ofthe most
evil queens in Christendom...
are coming back to fiind
their overdecorated show palace...
has been vandalized
by their gardener and his plotting,
nymphomaniacal best friend!
You're embarrassed, aren't you?
"Embarrassed"? "Embarrassed"
is the understatement ofthe year.
Try catatonic!
Try apoplectic!
Why? Because you knocked over
a few lamps?
Or because you knocked over
a few lamps with a woman?
Can we please talk this
to death a little later?
- We can talk this to death
a little never.
- Abbie! Abbie, wait!
Abbie, please!
- I've seen that look
so many times before.
- What look?
That "shutting down, turning off,
morning after" Iook.
You'rejust like any other guy.
I expected more from you, Robert...
being a gay man and all.
Abbie, Abbie, don't--
- God, it's good to be home.
- Christ!
Come on, Ashby.
Stop dragging ass.
Hold your water.
- Hi ho, Robbie!
- Hi ho.
- My God!
- My God!
- We've been broken into!
- Oh, my God!
- Look at this place!
- Look at this mess!
- It's a mess!
- My dresses are all over the place!
- Didn't you set the alarm?
- Ofcourse I set the alarm!
You know, David, you're gonna have to
give this a little water on occasion.
Doesn't perpetual care
include sprinkler service?
- That's the spirit, David.
- ToJoe.
- Foreveryoung and beautiful Joe.
- He still left the party too early.
- So where's Abbie?
I thought she was coming.
- Yeah.
Something happened.
We slept together.
"Slept together" as in cuddly pj's...
or "slept together"
as in shagged her?
Oh, my God! You did? When?
- About a week and a halfago.
- How was it? Was it hot?
"Hot"? David, you're talking
about Abbie! She's like our sister.
How could it be "hot"?
- You're the one who nailed her.
Are you gonna do it again?
- No, ofcourse not.
- You did it once.
How can you be so sure?
- 'Cause it'sjust one ofthose...
crazy things that happens once
and never again.
Anyway, she's not talking
to me any more, nor is she
returning my phone calls...
and it's really upsetting me.
- You mean you would ifshe did?
- Would what?
- Are you telling us
you're straight now?
- No.
You just said you're really upset
that you couldn't bang her again.
That's not what I said.
Next thing he'll be combing
his hair like Donald Trump.
Subscribing to
Victoria's Secret catalogues.
And voting Republican.
Praise be to Lordy,
she's been reformed.
- Call Jerry Falwell.
- Shut up!
- Don't call me "she."
- See?
- See?
Hi, it'sAbbie.
Leave a message.
Abbie, pick up.
Pick up.
Listen, lknow we crosseda line
and we shot offthe main road...
but there'sno reason
why we can't climb up
the embankment andget back on track.
We've known each other too long
to let this come between us.
I can't do it alone.
Please, call me. Hmm?
- Sorry. Sorry I'm late.
- Hi.
I know how you hate that.
Anyway, I'm starving.
Thanks for waiting.
Can I see a menu?
- What is that?
- What?
- Since when do you eat meat?
- I don't.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Well, you're obviously craving iron.
You must be getting your period.
Annabel, my period.
When is my period?
- How late are you?
- Third weekend inJune.
One, two, three, four, fiive, six, seven,
eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve...
thirteen, fourteen--
Korean hot springs--
fiifteen, sixteen, seventeen--
Fourth ofJuly.
I remember that.
- Did we drive to Matador Beach?
- Mm-hmm.
- Did we stop?
- Uh-uh.
No. Shit.
Just try to remember the last time you
felt fat and ugly and suicidal.
- What can I get foryou?
- The nearest drugstore.
So you've come crawling back.
No. I mean, yes.
I have something to tell you.
- Is it good news or bad news?
- Good news, I hope.
Good news. Good news foryou,
or good news for me?
For us, I hope.
For us.
Is it, uh,
bigger than a bread box?
Not yet.
Oh, God. Come on.
Can't you just guess?
-Just spit it out.
- Okay.
What's the best thing
I could tell you?
That you've met
a fabulous guy for me.
What's the next best thing?
That we can turn back the clock.
Nothing bad
ever happened between us...
and that, well...
we're best friends again.
Oh, I missed you so much.
I'm pregnant with your baby.
I mean, you can't be pregnant.
We only did it once.
- That's all it takes.
- What, eight martinis
and you're stuffed?
- That's right.
- Wow. Doesn't take much
to crackyour egg, does it?
You don't have to make
a decision right now...
but I've made up my mind
that I'm having this baby...
and you can be involved as much
or as little as you like.
Well, I can't very well
not be involved.
I mean, it's not like I suddenly can
stop knowing you or something, can l?
Can l? Ow!
Come on, Robert.
I'm offering you a choice.
You can be the baby's father,
oryou can be the baby's uncle.
I want you to be the father.
We could do this, Robert.
I know we could.
- What about if l--
- Please?
Just think about it.
Here, Dad, catch this!
Hey, look at you. Let's give you
a little wipey-wipe, huh?
Oh! Not again.
I'm just saying ifyou stuck
to gin and tonic, it wouldn't stain.
- Hi. There he is.
- I cannot abide gin and tonic,
and you know it.
- Oh, it's him.
- Back to the baggage--
- Hello.
- Mum.
- Oh, darling. Oh.
- What happened?
- Oh, nothing. Daddy had
a little accident.
- It was the air waitress
that had the accident.
- We'll get thejacket cleaned, darling.
- I just happened to be conveniently
located directly under her.
- Six hours of hell. How are you?
- I'm fiine.
- You look a little thin.
- I'm not thin. Come on. Let's go.
- Thankyou for shaving.
- I did shave.
Ofcourse you shaved.
You look gorgeous.
-Attention, travellers.: You are not--
- Hey, get, get, get, get outta there!
- How's the gardening world?
- Fine, thanks.
- Darling, you're miles away.
- I've stuffon my mind. I'm sorry.
How's your friend Abbie?
- She's fiine.
- How's her love life?
Well, as a matter offact,
she's, uh, pregnant.
- No. When did she get married?
- She didn't.
Who's the father?
Actually, it's, uh, me.
Abbie is pregnant with my child
and your grandchild.
Is she? Really?
- Do you mean it was all a joke?
- What?
- You're not really queer?
- Shh. Loweryour voice to a shriek.
Ofcourse I'm queer. It'sjust
that I'm having a baby as well.
- I'm confused.
- Well, I'm not.
You're going to make
a laughing stock ofthe family.
- Child needs a role model,
someone to look up to.
- Well, I'll wear heels.
Ifyou were younger,
I'd take you over my knee...
and thrash
the living daylights out ofyou.
I thinkyou mean
ifyou were younger, Dad.
I'm getting a taxi.
I'll see you at the hotel.
Oh, God, he's a bore, isn't he?
Thank goodness you're here.
- I just don't know
if I can do it or not.
- Well, no one's ever ready for a baby.
But I'll tell you one thing: having
a child is the best thing in the world.
It stops you from worrying
about yourself.
There's something more important
than you in the world...
and that's such a relief
in the end.
I don't know. Itjust seems like
such a huge responsibility
to take on overnight.
It's an opportunity that's come up.
It won't come up again.
I can't tell you to do it,
but I can tell you...
think very carefully
before you don't do it.
Having you is the best thing
that ever happened to me.
- Oh, Mum.
- Even though you've been...
an enormous disappointment
in many ways.
- Mum.
- Well, you have.
But you're you.
I adore you.
Darling, careful.
I'll do it.
I want to be the father
ofour baby.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
I don't want to do it halfway. I want
to do it all the way or not at all.
I don't want to be
some gay uncle...
who lives on the other side
ofthe tracks with his roommate Bruce...
who no one's supposed to talk to.
I want to be the baby's father,
forever and always.
One more thing.
I can't be a husband.
You just have to be a father...
and a friend.
- You what?
- Robert Robert?
- Gay Robert Robert?
- Hejust goes by Robert now.
- You are outrageous.
- I would not kick him out of bed.
He defiinitely falls into
the "what a waste" category.
- Totally.
- So what was it like?
- Did he rise to the occasion?
- Obviously he did.
Hey, could we move past the sex part
and get onto the now part?
- I'm having a baby.
- Oh, Abbie, that is so great.
- That is cool.
- It's tough being
a single parent, Abbie.
- I'm not gonna be a single parent.
- What?
- Robert's moving in with me...
and we're gonna raise
the baby together.
- Are you sure you know
what you're doing?
- Look, Robert is the
most incredible man...
- I've ever met...
- Right.
- True.
and he's hung in there
when my boyfriends haven't.
That's true.
And we're always gonna love each other
and be in each other's lives...
and we're never getting married,
so we can't get divorced.
You know, there's a certain
crazy logic to this...
and Robert will do
everything a husband will do.
- Exactly.
- Including not sleep with you.
Yes, but I won't be
bitter and resentful about it.
- Well, at least the kid
will be gorgeous.
- Oh, no doubt.
- Will he be gay?
- Kelly!
- What?
- Come on.
- Come on.
My God. Will your kids
be stupid?
- Good to have you here, David.
- Make yourselfat home.
Anything you need,
just let us know.
Okay. Thanks.
- I feel like such an asshole.
- Why?
Because, ifJoe's parents
hadn't kicked me out
and I didn't need this place...
I wouldn't be helping you move out.
- I'd be making a stand.
- Against what?
Against this insane decision
that you're making, Robert.
This is ridiculous.
You're gonna be miserable.
Have you thought about
all the details, like your sex life?
- Are you gonna even have one?
- Listen.
If I was straight, and I turned gay,
you'd be thrilled.
But the fact that I'm having
a baby with a woman-- Uhh!
That's blowing your mind, David.
That's such a double standard.
Oh, so your biological time clock
is ticking. That's it.
- No, that is not it.
- Yeah.
Actually, you know what?
I'm just bored of it all.
I'm bored ofthe parties,
I'm bored ofthe drugs...
I'm bored ofthe body obsession.
I'm not in a relationship.
I don't see one coming, and it happened.
It's not a sacrifiice, you know.
It's an opportunity.
I do love Abbie.
I trust her.
And here comes a baby that's gonna be
part ofour lives forever.
And what happens
when you do meet Mr Right?
I'll cross that bridge
when I get to it.
You'll burn that bridge
when you get to it.
To stay
- You come to me
- Come to me
- Come back to me
- Ratheryou than me.
Let me see.
Oh, don't show me any more.
Itjust kicked.
- Look at this.
- Yea!
- Thanks a lot, you guys.
- That bottle is huge.
Attention! Attention, attention.
First ofall, I would really
like to welcome all ofyou...
to our home on this very,
very special occasion.
You know, some people--
and I know I have been one ofthem--
have suggested that this was
an unexpected move on both your parts.
I thought it was deranged.
It'sjust that you see all ofthese
young couples sporting around town...
in their suburban
assault vehicles...
a Frappucino in one hand, a rug rat
and a wet diaper in the other.
There but for the grace of God--
- And who needs sleep anyway?
- Exactly.
And you can kiss
your upholstery goodbye.
- Thanks a lot, Annabel.
- The world out there...
does not always support
families that are different...
but as I look
at the two ofyou now--
two ofthe most generous,
And cattiest monsters we know.
And I see all ofthis love
and warmth and joy, and--
I think Abbie has something
she'd like to say.
Give me every drug you've got!
- Here's Sam dressed as Krishna.
- Little gender bender.
He really didn't go
for all thejewellery.
- Look at him.
- Isn't that sweet.
- Look at that.
Look at the two studs.
- Happy New Year.
- This one's gorgeous.
- Hey, Happy New Year.
- Hi, guys. You having fun?
- Hello, ladies.
- Happy New Year.
- Hi. Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year.
- Say Happy--
Did you say Happy New Year?
- Yes, I did.
- All right.
- Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year!
- Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year!
- What's up, Sammy?
Hey, Happy New Year!
- Happy New Year.
- Cheers.
Hands above your head.
Look at your thumbs.
Hands to your chest.
I need champ--
Who needs champagne?
I got, got, got, got you.
Sam, why aren't you
at your own party?
- Dad, am I stupid?
- No. Who told you that?
Jamie Rappaport. He said yoga
was stupid and I was stupid...
and he's taking back
my Christmas present.
That's horrible. You know what I do
when people call me stupid?
I just put up a window.
I get in the car,
I do up the seat belt...
and I roll up the window
and I say, "Window.
I can see you,
but I can't hearyou."
Okay, we're gonna do a little test.
- Call me a stupid jerk. Go on.
- You're a stupid jerk.
Window. I can see you,
but I can't hearyou.
Now I'm gonna call you something.
You are...
the worst Nintendo player
on the planet!
Doesn't bother me a bit.
- I love you so much.
- I can't hearyou.
- Love you, Sam!
- Window.
Who's that really cute guy?
That's Robert's cardiologist.
Oh, my God. Does Robert
have a problem with his heart?
- Stupid.
- Kelly!
- D-Darling!
- Mum.
Oh, don't do that.
- I was getting worried about you.
- Well, l, um-- I-l brought a surprise.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hello.
Is that a, uh, cricket bat in your hand,
or are you just pleased to see me?
- What?
- Only kidding.
- None ofthat, darling. Ifyou knew
what I went through to get him here.
- Hello, Mary.
I've gone grey overnight.
- Podgy!
- Sam.
- Podgy, darling!
- Hey, Grandma.
- Come on.
Hello, darling.
- Listen, you remember that gloomy
old grandpa I told you about...
- Yeah.
- who only came out at night?
- Yeah.
Well, he's here.
Some smelling salts!
Smelling salts!
- He loves to faint.
- Grandma, why aren't you
fainting with me?
Oh, well, well--
Darling, take my G & T.
Come on, Grandpa.
You fake too. Come on.
Get more enthusiasm.
Gestures are better, darling.
Little-- Yeah, that's it.
Go on. Give him a hug and a kiss.
There we are. Go on.
There we are.
Careful of his tummy.
Oh-- Yes, yes, thankyou.
- Comin' over later?
- I'll try.
- Bye-bye. See you next Thursday.
- I hope so.
- So who lives in this room?
- My dad.
- How come? Was he bad?
- No.
Well, then why doesn't he sleep
in the same room as your mom?
Well, he's supposed to...
or he could sleep
in a different house, like my dad.
- Huh?
- He doesn't sleep with his mother...
because Sam's dad is a fag.
- A what?
- Faggot.
You're supposed to say
"same sex partner."
I know what a faggot is.
That's what my dad calls someone
who cuts him off in traffiic.
- I don't wanna go to bed.
- Too bad.
- Window.
- Double window.
Now, then, mister.
- Why don't you sleep in Mommy's room?
- What?
- Don't you love her?
- Ofcourse I love her.
You know why I don't sleep with her?
'Cause she snores.
She snores like a great big
old helicopter taking off.
That's why I sleep in my own room. Any
other questions, Mr Sam, Mr Detective?
Can I have a brother
for my birthday?
You have to ask Mommy.
- Okay.
- Okay?
Good night. Sleep well.
Your son's starting to ask
a lot ofquestions.
He knows too much.
We must get rid of him.
Seriously, Robert.
It's only the beginning
ofa lot more questions like that...
and we have to fiigure out
what we're gonna say.
We will fiigure it out. Can't it wait
till tomorrow? I'm going out.
Is seeing the cardiologist right now
more important than your son?
My son is more important than breakfast,
lunch, tea and dinner.
Doesn't mean I still don't
have to eat sometime. You should
be doing the same thing.
- I eat.
- Men call you.
Go out with one ofthem.
- Keeps your hinges from rusting.
- Contrary to what you might think...
I'm not a queen
trapped in a woman's body.
- Really?
- You think everyone wants to have sex.
I don't want to have sex.
I'm over it.
- I'm perfectly happy right here
in my own backyard.
- Really?
And I'm not gonna feel guilty
'cause you feel guilty...
- 'cause you're going out
and having fun and I'm--
- Not.
You aren'tjust a mother, Abbie.
You're a beautiful woman.
Don't sell yourselfshort.
1 989.
1 999.
1 989.
1 999.
Dear God, wherever You are...
could You please hook me up?
-Just sleep, for God's sakes.
- I can't.
Being with you
is like being with a hologram.
You're there,
but you're not there.
I'm sorry.
Just got stuffon my mind.
Sam's starting a new school next week,
and I feel like it's me going.
I'm so nervous.
Can't think ofanything else.
- Isn't that weird?
- No. It's frustrating.
Sometimes I feel like you
don't care about anything else.
I have to go to the hospital.
I like you a lot, Robert.
I like you too,
o doctor ofthe heart.
But it's never gonna work.
'Cause I want more. With you
it's like crashing into a brick wall.
- You just don't give a damn inch.
- 'Cause I don't want to get serious.
I told you. Sam is everything
to me. I haven't got time
for anything else right now.
- I told you this on day one.
- I know. Calm down.
It'sjust we're getting repetitive.
Maybe we should just move on then.
I gotta go. Uh--
Stay. Don't stay.
Love you.
Hate you.
in love with him
'Cause lsawyou dancing
in thegym
You both kickedoffyourshoes
Man, ldig those rhythm andblues
Iknowthatyou're in love with him
'Cause l--
- Not on the part you like, Sammy.
- What's going on in here?
- You barbarian.
- Daddy, get Mommy a cup ofcoffee.
- Please?
- Please, Daddy?
Yes, Mommy dearest.
Give me a kiss, Sam.
- Did you sleep good?
- Yeah.
You're too kind.
- Daddy?
- Hmm?
Are you a faggot?
- What?
- And yesterday he was only fiive.
Sam, where did you learn
a word like that?
- Kyle told it to me.
- Did Kyle tell you what it means?
Well, what is it?
It's when two boys kiss
and they go to the opera.
Oh. Well--
Yes and no.
But, you know, the point here,
Sam, is that the word "faggot"...
is a mean word
that mean people use...
when they don't want to accept
people who are different from them.
Right, and we are not
meanie buckets in this house, are we?
- Nope.
- Right.
- Major Lady to Major Dad.
- It's Ground Control to Major Lady.
Come in, please, Major Lady.
Come in, please.
I'm on your tail.
I'm going to shoot now.
- Major Lady to Major Dad.
- Major Lady, you're being tailed.
"Back and forth across the pasture
with the tractor.
Finally it was so close that Abigail
popped into the burrow...
- and scurried down to her baby's nest."
- Read it the other way.
Oh. I don't like this way.
"Miss Demeanour had a new set...
of long, shiny black fiingernails...
and she was picking an enormous,
giant-sized purple booger...
from her left nostril.
'Mm. That looks like dinner
for a family offiive'...
said Princess Tinyfuse as she got out
her kitchen knife...
and cut it into small slices
and put it into a frying pan."
Hey, little man.
Set it here, take your shoes off,
and help yourselfto some herbal tea.
Does this place have StairMasters
or treadmills?
This is a yoga centre.
- Yoga classes only.
- Oh, so no free weights?
- I'll call you back.
- You should do yoga.
- It reduces your stress.
- Oh, yeah?
- Where'd you get this guy?
- He's my son...
and he was doing yoga
before he was born.
- Yeah, it's easy.
- I don't know, see...
'cause I'm more the "half-hour
free weights, little bit ofsteam"
kind of guy.
I'm not really the yoga type.
Sam, honey, go easy
on the hard sell.
This guy obviously
wants to "feel the burn."
- There's a gym for "mirror athletes"
halfa mile that-a-way.
- All right, now hold on.
Wait a minute.
I've got an open mind.
I mean, I don't know
if I can do the splits, but--
I'm teaching a class in ten minutes.
I promise to go easy on you.
Hands together
in prayer position.
Feet together.
Inhale, look up,
gazing at your fiingertips.
Exhale, palms to the floor.
Inhale, look up.
Exhale.Jump back
to Chaturanga position.
Keep your elbows close to your side,
pointing your toes, shoulders back.
Push back into down dog.
- Sinkyour heels into the floor...
- Psst.
- gazing at your navel.
- How am I doin'?
You're doing good.
Just remember, it's a process.
You don't have to be perfect.
Sinkyour heels into the floor...
gazing at your navel.
Don't forget to breathe.
Ow! Was that good?
That's very good.
You don't have to overdo it
in the fiirst class.
I'm not overdoing it.
It's a piece ofcake.
Inhale, look up.
Jump forward.
Inhale, stand up.
Arms up overyour head.
Whoa. Stood up too fast.
Right hand grabs
the right big toe.
Extend the right leg.
Inhale, look up.
Bring your nose to your knee.
- Straighten your standing leg.
- I'm tryin'.
I'm breathin', kid.
I am breathin'.
Open the leg to the side...
gazing to the left.
Sorry, pal.
It's all levels,
beginners through advanced.
- See you on Monday.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- You okay?
- Well, check with me tomorrow.
Beginners are Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays at 1 0:00...
Tuesdays and Thursdays at 1 1 :00
and Sundays at 9:00.
- Well, how 'bout tonight at 8:00?
- Excuse me?
Let's have dinner.
Are you asking me out on a date?
Yeah. Is that all right?
Hold on a second.
- How do you know I'm not married?
- Well, are you?
No, but I still
don't know you.
Well, I don't know you either,
but that's sort ofthe point
ofthe date, right?
I mean, you do eat, right?
It'sjust dinner.
Yeah, I eat. I just haven't
been dating much recently.
Okay. So we'll eat, we'll have
some light conversation...
a few awkward silences, wine optional,
but defiinitely no dating.
No dating.
So, how does that sound?
Sounds manageable.
- We're home!
- Hey!
- Dad, we fiinally made it!
Hey! Oh!
- Hi. Sorry I'm late.
Traffiic was insane.
- Well...
it's not quite burned, luckily.
Listen, do you mind if I don't
stay for dinner tonight?
- But it's roast beef night.
- Yuck!
You're supposed to say roast "beast."
Listen, tell Kelly
to get rid ofthat guy.
- Tell her to lose the loser.
- I'm not having dinner with Kelly.
Sam, honey, go upstairs
and wash your hands. And your face.
- I have a date.
- What?
- I have a date.
- No.
- Yes.
- Who with?
Ben Cooper, investment banker,
New York. Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!
Cor. What's he doing in L.A.?
I don't know. He's working
on some kind ofa takeover.
Takeover? Don't like the sound
ofthat. Is he attractive?
- So our type.
- Which our type?
Big hands. Mmm.
Mmm. Does he, uh,
know about moi?
Well, we didn't really get around
to frivolous details.
Well, that's all very well,
but what's he gonna say when he arrives?
What am I supposed to be,
Andre, the zany butler?
-Just be yourself.
- Well, which me?
English me? Cold, frosty me?
Frivolous me?
How 'bout nice me?
- Well, at your own risk, be it.
- Don't screw this up for me.
Oh, Abbie, get out ofthe kitchen.
I can't concentrate.
- Meanie bucket.
- I'll be up in fiive minutes...
- to discuss wardrobe.
- Yes, Your Majesty.
I see you
in a plunging neckline.
No point in hiding your life
underyour bushel.
Everybody looks thesame
We'rejust tired
oflookingat each other
We'rejust tired
oflookingat each other
Hi, uh,
this Abbie Reynolds's house?
Come in. I'm sorry.
I've always been longing to do that.
Come in. Robert.
Abbie is, uh,
putting on her face.
Well, at least one ofthem.
She tells me
you're into takeovers.
Well, what I'm doing right now
is actually closer to a merger.
- Drink?
- No, thanks.
- Sit.
- All right.
Yeah, I take sick companies
and I make them well.
I'm out here right now, uh--
Well, I'm working with a Fortune 500
company that has fallen on hard times...
and I've come to try
to resuscitate the--
I'm sorry.
I'm rambling, huh?
No, no, no, it's really interesting.
It'sjust it's also, uh, really long.
Uh, do you mind if I take a Nelly break
and, uh, put on a record?
- Uh, no.
- Good.
- Frank orJudy?
- Pardon?
- Frank orJudy?
- Uh, Frank, I guess.
Oh, well, I'm afraid Frank's
feeling a little shy tonight,
butJudy's itching to go.
I thinkyou can tell a lot
by a man's musical preference, hmm?
I guess so.
I once met a truck driver, for example,
who loved Carly Simon.
It was downhill from then on.
Clang, clang, clang
went the trolley
Ding, ding, ding went the bell
Zing, zing, zing
went myheartstrings
- From the moment lsawhim lfell
- God, I loveJudy Garland.
- Excuse me, but, uh,
are you gay or...
- Chug, chug, chug went the motor
- are you just acting gay?
- Bump, bump, bump
- Good question.
- Went the train
- Are you interested,
or are you just acting interested?
- Interested in what?
- Well, Abbie, ofcourse.
She's a very delicate flower,
you know.
I'm sorry. Who are you?
I'm Sam's father.
Oh. Oh.
I'm sorry. I guess I came
at a bad time, then.
You're here to pick up your son?
No, I live here.
Hey, Sammy.
Hey, little man.
- How are you?
- "Sammy"?
Hey, Sam.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm ready, fiinally.
- Wow, you-- you look great.
- You look great.
- "Sammy."
I was, uh-- I wasjust talking
with your ex-husband.
- We're not divorced.
- We're not even married.
- Okay, I'm-- I'm lost.
- I'll tell you at dinner.
Bye. Bye, Sam.
- Don't stay up too late.
- Nice to meet you, Robert.
- Nice to meet you. Take care.
- Bye.
Yeah, keep in touch. I'll, uh,
tuck little "Sammy" in for both of us.
Now, Sam,
turn this book upside down...
and let's enter the world
of Princess Tinyfuse.
- No dating.
- Oh, right.
Trust me,
it won't take that long.
Hello. 8:00 reservation.
The name is Cooper.
Well, it's, um,
going to be quite a wait.
You can have a drink at the bar
ifyou like, and I'll have a table
foryou in, oh, two hours?
- Two hours?
- Oh, Mr Ross.
- So good to see you again.
- Nice to be back.
Okay. We'll have table 1 4
for Mr Ross tonight.
So much for trying to impress you.
I'm gonna have a little fun. Humour me.
Excuse me.
Would it make a difference if I told you
that Harrison Ford is in our party?
I'll be right back.
Harrison Ford?
- Mr Cooper?
- Yes.
Yes, sure.
So nice to see you again.
- And you.
- Would you follow me?
- Enjoy your dinner.
- Thankyou.
Okay, here's a toast to...
discovering muscles in your body
you never knew existed.
- And fiinding new ones.
- Mmm.
So, what does an investment banker
do for fun?
Well, ofcourse,
I'm passionate about yoga...
rock climbing,
uh, racquetball--
- Racquetball?
- Really, I'm just a-- a workaholic.
Do you have any pets?
No pets, but I got a couple
ofdead plants back in New York.
- Favourite colour.
- All shades of pink.
Well, you're perfectly presentable,
I assume successful...
good sense of humour.
- Thankyou.
- So...
- why are you--
- What?
- Why am I unattached?
- Yeah.
What's wrong with you?
Been wondering
the same thing myself.
You see anything obvious?
- You do have a piece
ofspinach in your teeth.
- Do l?
Mm-hmm.Just kidding.
That's good. I don't know. I guess
I never met the right woman.
Or maybe I met her, but I wasn't
the right man at the right time.
Anyway, that's my excuse.
What's yours?
I decided to have a child
instead ofa husband.
- Couldn't you have both?
- Well, theoretically
I could have both...
but if I waited around
long enough for the right man,
might not have had the right child.
So, does Robert help out?
ls he a good father?
He's the greatest.
Hope you don't mind me asking,
but were you two ever together?
Once, a very long time ago,
for about a halfan hour.
- Huh.
- Hmm.
We're best friends.
No, we're closer than that.
Robert's my family.
- Thankyou very much, sir.
- How's everyone doing?
- Good.
- Thankyou very much, sir.
- Enjoying yourself, Mr Cooper?
Dinner was superb. You clearly
live up to your reputation.
But you, it seems, do not.
I hope you enjoyed your littlejoke
on me and this restaurant.
- Whatjoke?
- You said Harrison Ford
was in your party.
No, what I said was,
"Would it make a difference...
if I told you Harrison Ford
was in our party?"
Clearly it did.
- Um, I guess I'd better go.
- Oh, okay.
You know, I'd askyou in,
but, uh...
you know, it's a long story.
- Anyway...
- All right.
- I had fun.
- Me too.
Will I see you again?
I thinkyou're gonna see so much of me
you're gonna get sick of me.
Yeah. Listen.
I know this is
not really a date...
but I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to kiss you anyway.
Oh. All right.
Wow. I can't believe
how good that is.
I just have to tell you
one more thing.
- How was dinner?
- Well, I think I'vejust had...
possibly one ofthe best dates
I've ever had.
- Well, congratulations.
- Ever.
- Double congratulations.
- And you know what?
- What?
- You're such a jerk.
- What are you talking about?
- You were so rude to Ben.
- I was not rude to Ben.
- Yes, you were.
- I was my usual charming self.
- You practically slammed
the door in his face.
- I did not.
- Wait a second. You did
slam the door in his face.
Abbie, that was a joke.
Oh, God. I saw it in a play.
- Brought the house down. Sorry. Ha.
- Ha ha.
Are we a little tipsy?
Ben ordered the most
delicious wine in the universe.
- "Most delicious wine--"
- You'rejealous.
- Oh, right.
- Why didn't I see it before?
- You'rejealous
that I went out on a date.
- How could I possibly bejealous?
I'm the one that encouraged you
to go out more in the fiirst place.
- What's so hilarious?
- Oh, nothing.
It wasjust something Ben said
at dinner. Sorry. You had to be there.
He's very perceptive, you know.
- Perceptive about me, I expect.
- Me, me, me, me, me.
Funnily enough, you were
hardly mentioned all evening...
other than discussing the fact that I
was turkey-basted by my gay best friend.
- You were not turkey-basted.
- Oh. Right.
- Did Sammy get to bed okay?
- Look, what's all
this "Sammy" business?
His name is Sam, all right.
He's not Sammy.
He's not Sammy Davis,Jr.
He's not The Rat Pack. He'sjust Sam.
Hmm. Well, I don't know what's wrong
with you, but I'm going to bed.
He wassingin '
Bye, bye, MissAmerican Pie
Drove my Chevyto the levee
but the levee wasdry
were drinkin' whiskyandrye
- Hey, Sammy, you wanna go in the water?
- Yeah!
- Singin'this'llbe the daythat ldie
- This'llbe the daythat ldie
- Hey, Dad, can I go in the water now?
- Sure.
- Can I take him in?
- Okay.
- Helterskelterin a summerswelter
- I'm gonna throw you in! Throw him in!
- The birds flewoff
to the falloutshelter
- No!
- Swim in tons offiishes!
- The daythe music died
- Here we go. Here we go!
- He wassingin '
- Bye, bye, MissAmerican Pie
- Oh, my God.
"Oh, my God" is right.
Drove my Chevyto the levee
but the levee wasdry
were drinkin' whiskyandrye
the daythat ldie
This'llbe the daythat ldie
They were singin '
- Bye, bye, MissAmerican Pie
- One!
- Drove my Chevyto the levee
but the levee wasdry
- No!
- No, Mommy!
- Two!
- Watch out! You're going in the water!
- Themgoodol'boys
were drinkin' whiskyandrye
- Singin'this'llbe the daythat ldie
- Whoo!
It's freezin'.
- Hey, big wheel.
- Hi, Dad.
How are you? Your shoelace
is undone. I can do it up.
- I can do it.
- What?
- When did you learn how to do that?
- Ben teached me.
Oh. What else did Ben
"teached" you?
- Ben.
- Hmm?
- What's wrong with you?
- Why, is something wrong?
You haven't said a word to me
for ages.
See what I mean?
Abbie, um--
- We need to talk.
- "Talk." I don't like
the sound ofthat.
We're talking now, right?
- Oh, God, Ben, don't do this to me.
- Yeah, this is kinda hard for me too.
Hard foryou?
What about me?
You know what? Don't even tell me, okay?
Because I already know
what you're gonna say.
- How do you know what I'm gonna say?
- Because I do. How many words?
- Five.
- Five.
I knew it.
"It's not you. It's me."
Couldn't you have been
just a little bit more original?
Like, um, "I need
to concentrate on my work"...
or, betteryet, how 'bout, um,
"I'm getting back together again
with my ex-girlfriend."
- No, Abbie, come here, baby.
- I don't even know why
I wasted my time on you.
What, are you nuts? Come here.
Listen. Listen to me.
- Listen.
- Why?
I'm in love with you.
I'm in love with you.
- Hey, little man. You go fiirst.
- Hello.
- Dad.
- Mm-hmm.
- Can I watch cartoons?
- What time is it?
- The little hand is on the eight.
No. No, the seven.
Sam. Will you just--
Just watch cartoons in an hour.
Go back to sleep for a while.
Mm, okay.
Is Ben my daddy now?
- Okay, well, let's get
just one thing straight.
- Please, Robert.
- I can't believe you let this happen.
I mean, what were you thinking?
- Calm down, Robert.
Sam sees a stranger in his bedroom
in the morning.
- You probably traumatized him.
- Ben is hardly a strange man.
- I'm sorry. I thought I was gonna
be gone by the time he woke up.
- Sam adores him.
Sam is confused by him,
and you're not helping matters.
What exactly do you think
is going on between us?
I don't care
what's going on between you.
I just don't want it to go on here.
We're getting married.
- What?
- We've been trying to fiigure out
a way to tell you.
Well, let me give you
one little tiny hint.
Letting Sam discoveryou in bed with him
is not what I'd call a subtle approach.
We didn't exactly plan it
this way, okay? Now you know.
So let's talk about it.
Talk about it? I've only had
fiive seconds to think about it.
You're the ones that have had
the luxury of mulling this over.
What do you think about it?
- I don't know.
- Well, that's a fiine place to start.
Look, Robert, I just want us
all to get along. I'm not here
to usurp your position.
- I thinkyou're a great dad.
- That's mighty big ofyou, Ben.
Stop it, Robert! The last thing
that we want to do is hurt you.
- "We, we, we." What's all
this "we" all ofa sudden?
- Shh!
The fact ofthe matter is,
we need to work this out together.
Well, let me tell you one thing
straight away. Sam has one father.
There's only one daddy in this family,
and that is me! I'm the daddy!
- Absolutely!
- Absolutely!
- You're the mummy...
and Ben--
Ben isjust Ben.
Now, when it comes to any decisions
involving Sam, I get a say
and Abbie gets a say.
IfSam wants ice cream, and I say no,
I don't want to hear
that you two said yes.
I don't want to be outvoted.
This is not a democracy.
Oh, and one more thing.
He's not moving in here.
By the way, congratulations.
Attention, shoppers.
At the meat counter...
Le GrandBalu, yourbig salami.
- Eighty-nine centsan inch.
- Mom?
- Mm-hmm.
Why is Ben making dinner tonight?
We're supposed to have roast beast
on Thursdays.
Because Ben's making something special
for dinner tonight.
It's a cross between a noodle
and a dumpling, only lighter.
- It's German.
- It sounds potentially hazardous...
and utterly delicious.
So, uh, have you requested a transfer
from your New York offiice yet?
- Yeah, I did.
- How'd they take it?
Well, it's a little complicated,
- They offered me a partnership.
- Hey, congratulations.
- Out here?
- Well, no. It'd be back east.
So what did you tell them?
-So what did you tell them, Ben?
-I told them I'd have to think about it.
Well, you two aren't gonna try
that long-distance thing, are you?
That never works.
Look, if I don't accept their offer,
I'll have to leave the fiirm.
I've been with them
for 1 5 years, Robert.
Immediate clean-up, aisle three.
Aisle three clean-up
immediately, please.
Daddy will always be your father.
- Ben will be your stepfather.
- Like in Cinderella?
Kind of. Except that Ben
is really nice.
-And we're all gonna live happily ever--
-What are you saying?
Your career's more important
than my career? Let me
just tell you one thing, Ben.
Moving to New York is not an option.
What am I gonna do?
Sell pretzels from a pushcart?
Robert, don't get upset.
Itjust happened.
- We haven't fiigured everything out yet.
- I didn't even say
I was gonna do it.
- Yeah, but you didn't say you weren't.
- Can we please take this outside?
- Christ!
- Sam, come on, please. Help me unload.
- Will you move it along?
- Robert!
I'll tell you one thing.
You're not taking Sam.
- Take me where, Daddy?
- Robert.
The cement capital
ofthe United States, Sam.
- I don't want to go
to the cement capital ofthe Uni--
- Robert!
- You're telling me.
- Robert, that's it.
You wanna talk about this
right now? Huh?
You got some incredible burning need,
fiine, but we are not gonna do it
in front ofSam.
- Come on, Sam.
- See what you did? You just upset, Sam.
- What are you talking about?
- This is all your fault. Everything
wasjust fiine till you came along.
- Everything was not fiine!
- Listen, no one's trying
to take anything away from you.
- Wejust wanna fiigure out
what makes sense.
- Well, me and Sam,
we have our home here.
We have our lives here.
Ifyou're so unhappy--
I've never been happier in my life!
You're the one that's unhappy!
- No, no, no, no.
We made an arrangement.
- Has it ever occurred--
We made an arrangement to put
this kid fiirst, come what may...
- but you just want to throw it
all away on a whim!
- Ben is not a whim!
- Oh, yeah?
- Hasn't it occurred to you
that we could work something out?
- Come on, Sam. Let's go.
- What do you thinkyou're doing?
- Gonna walk home.
- Look, you're not walking.
- It's only six blocks. I just
can't be with you guys right now.
- Robert! Sammy, come back here.
- We're gonna race you home, Mommy.
- Good. Perfect.
- Sammy!
- Come on, come on.
Faster, faster, faster.
I hate childproofcaps.
I told you, Robert.
I told you at the very beginning.
You should have insisted upon getting
married. Then you would have rights.
Look what happened to me.
I have rights now. They're not
going anywhere. Full stop. The end.
You need to talk to an attorney.
Just a consultation.
- A couple hundred bucks.
Know where you stand.
- I know where I stand, David. Trust me.
- I'm not gonna see an attorney.
- I'll bet she is.
Stupid pills. I can't even
tell ifthey're working.
So stop taking them, and ifyou die,
you'll know they work.
Yeah. Better safe
than sorry, you mean.
Mm-hmm. Better safe than sorry.
Go talk to a lawyer.
Those are good arguments, Robert.
You're the biological father,
and obviously you're a caring person.
You've been involved.
We've got a decent chance atjoint
custody, and ifwe can get that...
we'll be able to keep her
from leaving the state with Sam.
Now, the fact that you're gay
isn't gonna help us...
and ifthis goes to court, we better
hope for a sympatheticjudge...
and I could tell you right now
there aren't many ofthem.
Uh, are there any grounds
on which you can demonstrate...
that Ms Reynolds
is a bad mother?
- No.
- Can she, uh, and Mr Cooper...
provide a roofover Sam's head?
- Mm-hmm.
- Does she have a drinking problem?
- No.
- Drug problem?
- No.
- Is she a smoker?
Smoking's grounds for custody?
There's a case in Massachusetts right
now testing the waters. You never know.
No, l, uh, I made her
give up ten years ago. Idiot.
All righty, let's see.
Uh, is she promiscuous?
- No.
- Abusive?
- Uh-uh.
- Mentally unstable?
- No.
- Emotionally unstable?
Well, not until now.
Hey. Why are you awake?
I was thinking about Daddy.
What were you thinkin'?
You know when I get a stomachache,
and you make me tea and toast?
Well, if Dad gets
a stomachache...
who's gonna make him
tea and toast?
When Daddy gets sick
or when I get sick...
we make our own tea and toast,
because we're grown-ups.
- It's not the same.
- No, I know.
It isn't the same.
Daddy's fiine.
He doesn't have a stomachache.
I'm afraid that Daddy doesn't know
that I love him.
Oh, honey,
Daddy knows you love him.
Ifyou like, you can call him
in the morning and you can tell him.
- Would you like that?
- Yeah.
- Can I sleep with you a little while?
- Mm, yeah.
- I love you, Mommy.
- What, baby?
I love you, Mommy.
- But I love Daddy too.
- I know.
Can I come in?
I got the summons.
Well, I assumed
you already had a toaster.
Please don't go
through with this.
- You gave me no choice.
- You scared me.
Why? What do you think
I was gonna do?
Something crazy,
like kidnap Sam before you did?
I had to. The situation wasjust
becoming too unhealthy for him.
Unhealthy for Sam,
or inconvenient foryou and Ben?
You know what Ben means to me.
Why can't you just give me this chance?
Why? Why should l?
Because you love me.
I love Sam.
Look, why can't we
just fiind a solution.
- So you do what you want.Just bring
Sam back, or the courts will.
- No.
- That's not what my lawyer says.
- No, they won't.
She says I have a good chance.
I have legal rights.
- Robert, no.
- Yes!
- Robert.
you're not Sam's father.
- What you talking about?
- I'm saying you're not
his biological father.
My God. You'll say anything
to get your own way, won't you?
You don't know how much
I wish it wasn't true.
You didn't sleep with anybody else.
I would have known.
You didn't open a can oftuna without
giving me a 20-minute fiield report.
- You're a fucking liar!
- No!
Remember when Sam
had his tonsils out?
Okay, they did a blood test.
He's B-positive, and we're both O.
You've known about this for three years,
and you didn't tell me?
I couldn't.
I didn't know how to.
But that means,
right from the very beginning...
you always knew
there was a chance--
Oh, my God,
I can't even remember his name.
- I never believed that it was Kevin's.
- Kevin.
And besides, I wanted the father to be
the most wonderful man that I knew.
I didn't wanna hurt you.
You betrayed me!
I was thinking
it didn't matter anyway.
Because you're his father
in every way that really counts.
The blood is irrelevant.
It's not so irrelevant now, is it?
It doesn't change a damn thing.
I'm sorry, Robert.
Believe me, it does.
Ifyou take me to court,
then this is going with me.
For Sam's sake,
please don't take it this far.
So what are you offering me?
Three weeks in the summer?
A photograph to put
on my refrigerator door?
You owe me more than that.
I don't owe you
the rest of my life.
And what about Sam's life?
What about my life?
Okay. So Sam has a biological father
who doesn't know anything about him.
The chances are pretty good
he doesn't wanna know.
Uh, we could argue some sort
of malicious intent...
on her part
to conceal that information...
and, uh, it would
probably hurt her.
On the other hand, I don't see
how it can possibly help you.
The courts always try to link
parental rights to biology...
except in cases where the child's life
is in extreme danger.
I don't know what to tell you,
Robert. You don't have a case.
Oh, but six years. I mean,
it's gotta count for something.
- We can still go to court, right?
- Well, anybody can go to court,
but ifyou want my advice--
I won't give up Sam.
Then take Abbie up
on her offer to compromise.
Maybe we can work something out
before this gets any uglier
or more expensive.
It doesn't matter.
She's got to acknowledge
my rights as a father.
Robert, do you understand
that a case like this can breakyou?
And in the end,
you probably won't have Sam.
I'll just be a minute.
Your mother says your lawyer
told you to drop the case.
Well, you know lawyers.
Always out to save you a buck.
- Can't say that
any ofthis surprises me.
- Oh, don't start on me now, Dad.
I know I should never have stuck my toes
in the gene pool in the fiirst place...
but ifyou've come here to tell me
"I told you so," say it and let's
get on to something else, okay?
You're going to need a little help if
you're going to get my grandson back.
- He's not your grandson.
- Well, he's the closest I'll ever see.
Now, that's not a gift.
Perhaps you can come and fiix up
our garden sometime.
Thanks, Dad.
Get your boy back.
You need to.
They're ready for us.
Don't look over there.
You'll just get upset.
I've gone over
your preliminary statements.
Ms Reynolds,
you and Mr Cooper...
are presently not married,
is that right?
Yes, Your Honour,
but we're engaged.
It's a very short engagement.
Later this summer we--
The child's natural father--
he has no interest here?
Mr Whittaker,
you're requestingjoint custody.
Yes, Your Honour.
What makes you think
you're entitled to that?
- Well, I've been Sam's father since--
- Objection. Your Honour...
since Mr Whittaker has neither legal
nor biological paternity here...
it is completely inappropriate
for him to refer to himself...
as "the father."
Perhaps he could use the term...
Your Honour, my client has been
living with Ms Reynolds...
since the child was born.
He's performed
all the daily functions ofa father.
Sam acknowledges him
as his father.
For the sake ofclarity,
I think it's best that Mr Whittaker
be referred to as caregiver...
in these proceedings.
Thankyou, Your Honour.
Mr Whittaker...
did you live for fiive years
with a certain Eric Walker?
And what was the nature
ofthat relationship?
- Objection, Your Honour.
- Overruled.
We were together.
Is this the same Eric Walker that's now
serving a fiive-year prison sentence
for drug possession?
Yes, but I haven't seen him
for seven years. This has
nothing to do with anything.
Mr Whittaker,
on October 8th of last year...
did you go to a nightclub
in Santa Monica called...
Sit and Spin?
I don't remember.
Sit and Spin's
a gay club, isn't it?
- I hadn't noticed. Probably.
- Did you notice drug use going on?
- No.
- Mr Whittaker, is it true...
that you're an active member
in several militant gay organizations?
I used to help distribute food to AIDS
patients. I'd hardly call that militant.
- Does Sam understand that you're gay?
- No, not really.
Have you ever tried to explain to him
your sexual proclivities?
No, he's a six-year-old boy.
Wait. He once asked me
why I didn't sleep with his mother.
- And what did you tell him?
- She snores.
Mr Whittaker, has Sam ever seen you
have oral sex with another man?
- What?
- Stop it!
- Objection, Your Honour!
- I said stop it.
Counsel, I suggest
you confer with your client.
- Do you wanna win here, Abbie?
- You said he didn't have a chance.
- You don't have to kick
the shit out of him.
- Your Honour...
this hearing is not about
my client's sexual history.
No, it's about his character...
and whether he has the type ofcharacter
that would lead anyone to trust him...
with shared custody
ofa young boy.
Your Honour...
you want to know
about my character?
I'll tell you.
I am an active father.
- Caregiver, please.
- Father!
I'm a father to a boy
who I love to death.
I've been living with a woman
who until recently...
was my best friend
in the whole world.
I'm also a homosexual man.
That's who I am.
- What does that make me?
- I don't know.
- A hypocrite?
- Your Honour, objection!
- I withdraw the comment.
- It's getting late.
We'll take a recess
until Monday morning.
Ms Reynolds,
you will allow Mr Whittaker...
a visitation with Sam
this Sunday.
Stayedtrue to the things
lknew when I wasyounger
Foodandlove, that'sall
that's left ofhunger least
another three singles.
I mean, we'rejust gonna have to dump
the album. How much money
have we invested in these guys so far?
Yeah, we're not gonna spend
another dime. Oh, please.
Like I care.
Excuse me.
I'll call you back.
You probably don't remember me.
At least, uh, I hope you don't.
Oh, l-- I rememberyou.
I need to talk to you
about something important.
Don't worry.
I'm not gonna make a scene.
After Abbie and you split up...
did you ever see each other again?
- Maybe one more time?
- I don't know.
What business is it ofyours?
His name's Sam.
- What?
-Just turned six.
- Oh, no way, man!
- Come on. Look. He's got your chin.
I'm an idiot.
I didn't see it before.
Look, ifshe sent you here
looking for money, this isn't
exactly the right time.
No, no. As a matter offact,
she's counting on you having
absolutely no interest at all.
- So what's this got to do with me?
- I need your help.
Hey, Sam!
Slow down!
Come on. Come on. Turn right!
Turn right! Turn right!
- Wow!
- Okay, let's go.
You can't get me!
- I can get you back.
- Ha! I got you!
Hey, Kevin.
Glad you could come.
Sam, this is an old friend
of mine, Kevin. Say hi.
- Hi.
- No, say hi properly.
It's very nice to meet you.
Sam. That's a good name.
It's full ofJapanese people.
- Is it true, or are you joking?
- What?
Is that true about the tidal wave?
Will it happen?
- Whoa!
- He calls you Daddy.
I've been his father
since the day he was born.
So what's this
got to do with me?
Mm, I need your help.
- I need you to sue forjoint custody.
- What?
Abbie's getting married.
Her fiianc lives in New York.
She wants to take Sam there.
I can't stop them because
I'm not legally the father.
- I don't think I can
get involved in this.
- No, no, no, no, listen.
I'll pay all the court costs.
I'll pay foryour time,
whatever it takes.
They'll give you joint custody,
and once they do,
we'll make our own arrangement.
I'll take full responsibility for him.
You never have to see him again
ifyou don't want to.
- I can't agree to something like this.
- Hey, Dad!
- Hey!
Please help me.
This-- This is crazy.
I can't help you. I'm sorry.
Before I announce my ruling...
does anyone
have anything else to add?
I do, Your Honour.
Seems like I've spent my whole life
thinking about blood.
Worrying about blood.
And blood--
Well, it'sjust like shit.
We're all full of it.
It's good, it gets bad...
but it's not who we are.
Being a parent--
a real parent--
takes more than DNA.
No one can hand it to you,
and no one can-- can take it away.
I have earned my right
to be Sam's father.
So, no matter what you decide...
Sam is my son...
forever and always.
Mr Whittaker...
I know how deeply attached
you are to this child...
and that you've been
an exemplary parent.
And I personally believe that love
and devotion should not go unrewarded...
but myjob is to adjudicate
the laws ofthe state of California...
and at this time
I have no choice...
but to grant sole custody
to Sam's mother...
Abbie Reynolds.
Are you all right, darling?
Excuse me, Your Honour.
May I approach the bench?
- What's this about?
- Well, my client feels
he has a stake in this case.
- Your client?
- Kevin Lassiter, Your Honour.
- I'm Sam's natural father, Your Honour.
- You're a little late.
I didn't fiind out till last week.
Abbie never told me.
- Is that true, Ms Reynolds?
- Yes.
Your Honour, we'd like to present
evidence proving that Mr Lassiter
has a good steadyjob...
and a sizable extended family
in the area.
Are you asking for shared custody,
Mr Lassiter?
I just want to be able to spend
enough time with him to fiind out.
- I'm asking to know him.
- Counsellors, approach the bench.
- Why didn't you tell me?
- Look, I meant what I said.
I gotta fiigure this out for myself.
I gotta get to know my son.
- Oh, sure, we can--
- No.
This is between me and Sam.
This has nothing to do with you.
Look, I'm just being honest.
In light
ofthis recent development...
I will not renderjudgment
in this matter...
until a custodial examination
is completed.
We will reconvene
four months from today...
on November 1 5th,
and Ms Reynolds...
will have temporary custody
ofthe child...
but will not be allowed
to leave the state of California...
pending further order
ofthis court.
Sorry, Robert.
I know how diffiicult this is.
- You son ofa bitch!
- Come on. Don't.
- I did what I had to do.
- You had to bring that guy
back into my life...
back into Sam's life forever.
- You gave me no choice, Abbie.
- You had a choice.
You had a choice.
- For as long as you live, you will
never be able to take this back.
- Abbie, let's go. Come on.
Robert, I'm so sorry.
- Hey, Robert.
- Hi, Ben.
How ya doin'?
Don't worry.
I never let him see me.
Look, um, I'm-- I'm sorry
about the way this all--
You know.
- Didn't leave.
- Nah.
I didn't-- I didn't take
the partnership, and I left the fiirm.
You do what you have to, you know?
- How's Kevin?
- We saw him once...
but that was months ago.
- Where's Sam?
- He's inside with Abbie.
- Teacher conference.
- What did he do?
He's got a reading problem.
Won't keep his book right side up.
Thinks his version is better.
- Dad!
- Sam!
- Hi.
- Sam, come back here right now.
- Dad!
- Sam, over here right now!
- But, Mom--
- Get in the car.
D-Dad! Dad!
- Dad!
- Look, uh--
It's too soon.
Maybe someday, huh?
We really messed up, didn't we?
How's Sam?
He's fiine.
He misses you.
I miss you.
I miss us.
Go have dinner with your father.
- Dad!
- Sam!
- How are you? How are you?
- Great, but no more daddies, okay?
Just have him back
after dinner, okay?
What do you want to have
for dinner, son? Hmm? Huh?
It's Thursday.
We have roast beast on Thursdays.
You're so right. We do.
- I love you, Sam.
- I love you, Daddy.