The Noose Hangs High (1948) Movie Script
Quiet.
Get ready.
Well, come on, Tommy.
Ted, you know
a fellow like that can get hurt.
Pay no attention to him.
Talking about hurt, my tooth hurts.
All night long it hurts.
There goes that tooth.
You kept me awake all last night with it.
But not tonight,
because I'll do something about that.
- What're you gonna do?
- I'll take you to the dentist.
Wait a minute,
you're going to take me to the dentist?
- Right down there to the dentist.
- Down here?
- To the dentist?
- Yeah, you heard me.
- What's the matter?
- My tooth don't hurt anymore.
Honest, it don't hurt. Look.
- Come on, get in there.
- All right.
No more toothache, come on.
I must've. Sure.
Tommy, will you come here, please?
Everything's going to be all right.
Here it is, right here.
There we are, now don't get excited.
Please come on.
- Hello.
- I'd like to have a tooth pulled.
I don't want no anesthetic,
and I don't care how much it hurts.
My, what a brave man you are.
- Which tooth is it?
- Show her the tooth.
This one over here and it hurts very much.
- It'll just be a few minutes, sit down.
- Sit over here.
Come here, sit down.
Come on, Mother.
No, you don't.
Come on. There's your man.
- Now don't worry about a thing.
- Thank you. Right this way.
Don't worry, my boy, I'll have it out in a jiffy.
Now just sit right down
and make yourself nice and comfortable.
- It isn't gonna hurt, is it?
- Hurt?
I never hurt anybody.
I'm Dr. Richards, the painless dentist.
- I'm painless.
- Well, I ain't.
Don't worry now, just get a firm hold
of the chair, please, and we'll go to work.
Now here we go.
Don't move. Steady, please.
No pain.
Don't move. Fine.
There you are. See that?
I didn't hurt you, did I?
You didn't do nothing yet.
Let me see, where is the tooth?
- Over here, right on...
- Don't point.
It's impolite.
Now let me see, does it hurt there?
There?
Must be there.
See here, I'm the dentist.
I've got to find out where the pain is.
Why don't you ask me?
It's no secret. It's over...
- That's where it is.
- Now get back in the chair.
- Sit down, if you don't mind.
- Left side.
I know exactly.
I want to get you in the right position.
Take it easy, will you?
Get your hands off that.
Now put it in second and leave it there.
You're a little high-strung.
How would you like some gas?
Okay, and check my oil.
Now don't get so smart.
I'm a very busy dentist.
I have other patients here besides you.
- Dr. Richards. Where did he go?
- I'm here.
Don't hide me.
I want to see what you're doing.
Okay, my friend, I'll do that for you.
You want to see what's going on?
Now open your mouth wide, please.
Little wider, that's better. Let me see.
Look, you, you work on the outside.
Will you please open your mouth for me?
That's fine, hold it that way.
Drop your chin a little bit.
Pull your chin down a little more.
Help me. That's fine.
Now take your chin and hold it there.
That's splendid, now hold it that way.
Now I got the tooth.
That's it. Wait, now hold it.
I got it. Roots and all.
My finger!
I'm sorry. Now just open wide,
I'll get the tooth this time.
That's it...
- Excuse me.
- Saved by the bell.
Hello. Who? The Red Cross?
You want a quart of blood?
I'll have a quart there in an hour, goodbye.
- Ted.
- Just get back in the chair.
- I don't want to. It's all right now.
- Don't worry, easy.
Ted!
This don't hurt no more. No, don't hurt. Ted!
All right, now open your mouth
very wide this time.
- Wait a minute. What will you do with that?
- I'm going to drill.
Not in my mouth, you're not gonna march.
You silly man.
Just open your mouth, will you, please?
Now... That's funny.
Here I am, let me down.
Get your foot off the accelerator
and keep your hand off the transmission.
I'm going to show you
exactly where the tooth is.
That's fine. Where is it?
Keep your hands out of your mouth,
want to poison yourself?
- There it is.
- The tooth. I pulled a tooth.
It's my first tooth! I'm a dentist.
I want a diploma...
Madam, as your psychiatrist I warn you,
you're suffering from paranoia.
You must stop seeing things
which are not there.
Forget your hallucinations and mirages...
and believe only what you actually see.
Now, to illustrate my point further,
I would like to show you my...
In my book...
You see, sometimes we think we see...
but we are not sure.
Dear me, I...
I am sure of one thing only.
I better go see my psychiatrist.
Excuse me.
Yes.
Put them in here, we'll go get some coffee.
Hey, you fellows, come here,
this is the place.
Speedy Messenger Service
certainly lives up to its name.
- Speedy Messenger Service?
- Yeah, come on in.
I just called your office.
How did you get here so quickly?
I don't think that you have the right...
Go to Arthur Stewart's office,
Liverton Building.
He'll give you $50,000,
and you'll give him this receipt.
If you have that money back here in a hurry,
I'll slip you $50 apiece. Okay?
- For $50 I'd have to wash...
- What's the matter?
Nothing at all. We'll be back in a half hour
with the cash. $50,000.
- The address is on the back of the envelope.
- Yes, sir.
- May I help you, gentlemen?
- We want to see Mr. Stewart.
- Mr. Craig sent us.
- One moment.
There're two gentlemen to see you,
Mr. Stewart, they say Mr. Craig sent them.
- Show them in.
- This way, please.
- Mr. Stewart?
- Yes?
Mr. Craig sent us for $50,000.
Yes. Wait here.
I've got the money in the safe.
That's quite a bit of change.
Change. Is he gonna pay us in nickels?
- Stop.
- Be awful heavy.
Mike, Craig's messengers are here.
I'm getting tired of that guy
laying off his bets and hooking me.
I'm gonna give them this $50,000,
get his receipt...
- and then you guys go to work.
- I get the idea.
- What a swell office this is.
- What a beautiful radio.
But I don't want any trouble
here in the office.
When they get out in the hall,
take it away from them.
Go as far as you like. Use your gats...
stick them in the back with a knife.
The Green Hornet program.
Mess them up all you want.
I'd hate to be in his shoes.
Don't let them get out of this building
with the dough.
The Green Hornet will save them.
We'll get it, boss. Consider it done.
Come on. What'd you do that for?
- Haven't you heard enough?
- That's where the important guy comes in.
Here you are, boys, $50,000.
- $50,000.
- What's the matter, you nervous?
- I'm nervous when I handle money.
- I get nervous when I don't.
- Here's your receipt.
- Thank you.
There's a wonderful program on here:
The Green Hornet.
- Ted, what's the matter?
- I'll explain.
You chump, that was no radio program.
You mean that wasn't
The Green Hornet program?
Certainly not, that was Stewart himself
telling somebody to hijack this money.
They stop at nothing, they'd even kill us.
Hey, I've got an idea.
You take the $50,000.
They'll never suspect you.
I don't want the money.
I'd only spend it on silly things.
Take the money.
Stay close to each other.
Whistle. Like you're not scared.
Duck into this mailing room,
stick that dough in an envelope...
and then address it to Nick Craig. Hurry up.
- Have you got an envelope?
- Over on the table.
- Excuse me, could I use one of those?
- Yes.
- Got a blank envelope?
- Over there.
- Can I have a blank envelope?
- Here you are.
Excuse me, can I borrow your pen?
- Why, certainly.
- Thank you.
- That's all the dough you got on you?
- Yes.
Something's wrong,
I saw this guy with the dough.
- The little fat guy's got it, then. Where is he?
- I don't know.
- Now you get out of here and stay out!
- What did I do?
There he is.
Ted, I got it!
Drop it in the mail!
I did it.
It's not your fault, it's my fault.
I should have been more careful.
All right, you boys can go.
- We're sorry about the mistake.
- That's all right.
If you mugs had been around
when I needed you...
this mix-up never would've happened.
- Maybe Stewart knows something.
- Sure, he knows he's got my receipt.
As far as he's concerned
the matter's washed up.
And so am I, if McBride don't...
Hello!
Hello, Mr. McBride.
Congratulations on King's Ransom
coming in. Paid a good price, too.
Yeah, I know. You owe me $50,000.
That's right, Mr. McBride,
and I'll have it for you in about 15 minutes.
Yeah, send over the regular way,
Speedy Service.
Speedy Service!
Well, I wonder what could have upset him.
I never lose.
- Who is this McBride character anyway?
- How do I know? I've never seen him.
All I know is he's hooked me 14 times
over that phone, now he wants his dough.
Listen...
those two guys got away with my $50,000.
Have you got your rods?
- Sure.
- Okay, go get that dough and get it fast.
Hey, what do the guys look like?
One is medium height, slender.
The other is the brains.
He's the killer type,
short, pudgy, with a baby face...
Has the cutest dimple in his right cheek.
Boys, am I glad to see you!
Where's my dough?
- It's a long story.
- I don't like them.
You like short ones? We don't have it.
- Why, you...
- Too short?
Listen, you...
Wait a minute, boys.
Put that floor back where it belongs.
Listen, wise guy, I'm gonna break
every bone in your body.
- You wouldn't hit a man wearing glasses.
- You're not.
- I know where I can borrow a pair.
- You better talk fast.
When we left your office,
we went right over to the...
Never mind! Where's the money?
We got the money all right from Mr. Stewart.
But when we left his office,
two guys tried to hijack us.
- Stewart's guys.
- That's right.
But we fooled them.
I slipped the money in an envelope...
I addressed it to you
and slipped it down the mailbox.
Tomorrow the United States Mail
will deliver it to you.
Boys, that's great. That's wonderful.
When that money arrives,
I'm going to give each one of you a C note.
No, you don't.
You're gonna stick
to the original agreement, $50 apiece.
And have the money here,
we'll be back for it in the morning.
Well, that day went fast.
- Don't get funny.
- You'll stay here until that dough arrives.
- We gotta stay here overnight?
- Yeah.
Chuck and Joe will keep you company.
- I gotta go home and get my nightie.
- You're staying until I get my $50,000.
Chuck, Joe, come out here a minute.
I want to talk to you.
- Put them down.
- I scared them.
As long as we're here for the night
we'll make ourselves comfortable.
We gotta sleep here?
Take your things off.
Get comfortable. All night.
Gangsters, you had to get mixed up with.
- It's a pretty office.
- Never mind how pretty the office is.
- Where are you going to sleep?
- I'll take the couch.
- I'll take the couch.
- You take the couch.
You know, if that money don't arrive
early in the morning...
we're in a terrible mess?
Did you ever think of that?
- That's the easiest $50 we ever made.
- Suppose it don't get here in the morning.
Hey, wait a minute. Get dressed.
We better figure a way
of getting out of here.
- We ain't gonna stay, then?
- Better not.
If that money don't get here,
we're in a mess.
- I just gave that a thought.
- Get with it.
This is a fine how-do-you-do.
We'll find a way out.
There must be some way out of here.
We'll figure a way out. Don't worry.
- You just get dressed.
- I'm all set, Ted.
Hey, wait a minute.
Suppose the money does arrive?
You know we get $100 apiece?
- Get undressed. I never thought of that.
- We can breathe again.
- Where have we ever made $100?
- I don't remember the last time.
$100 is a lot of money. But you know...
Suppose that money
should get lost in the mails?
They'd never believe us.
They'd possibly murder us. Get dressed!
Come on, hurry up!
Get with it, come on, get with it!
Shake a leg.
Come on, boy, never mind that one,
put it in the pants.
That's all that has to happen.
All you have to do
is get murdered now on me.
- What would I tell your folks?
- Easiest $50 I'm ever going to make, huh?
- Never mind the $50.
- What's the chance of getting murdered?
But on the other hand...
there is a possibility...
I've heard there's honesty amongst thieves.
Sure. Hey, you wanna take a gamble?
All right, we'll take a gamble with it.
I didn't like the spark in that guy's eye.
That looked fishy to me, boy.
- Me, too. I ain't going fishing today.
- No, sir.
There's something terribly wrong here.
And I'm not going to take any chances.
You know what we could do, though?
Hey, $100 apiece. Wait a minute.
One of those guys looked weak. Let's split
the dough with him. What do you say?
Stick here till the money comes in.
Why should we worry about it?
- Maybe they'll hold us for bribery.
- That's over.
- That's another thing, get with it. Come on.
- No bribery for me.
Send you up the river for that,
don't you know that?
- Wait a minute.
- I ain't had a boat ride...
- since I went up to Albany.
- They're gangsters.
They can't squeal, they have to take it.
Sure. You just gotta think of those things.
Why don't you come up with a brainchild
once in a while?
- Cause there's stuff I would've...
- Up the river.
They've all been up the river,
that's the whole trouble.
They've been up the river a dozen times,
possibly. You gotta look at the... But...
That's all, brother.
- There should be a way out of this thing.
- Should be.
I don't know how we can
get out of it, though.
- I'll tell you what we'll do.
- What?
But there's an angle here
we've got to figure out.
We put two and two together, boy.
There's something terribly wrong here.
- Out the door.
- They'll have someone watching the door.
The fire escape. That's it.
- But there's no fire escape.
- No fire escape?
Will you make up your mind!
What's all this noise going on in here?
I see you're ready for bed.
- Go on, lay down.
- Not till I get ready.
- Go lay down.
- I'm ready.
That goes for you, too.
And get this: no noise while I'm here.
You're here?
- Yeah, I'm here.
- Who said you were here?
What do you mean I'm here?
Of course I'm here.
You wouldn't wanna bet on it?
Wanna bet me that I'm...
- Are you crazy?
- I'll bet you, you're not here.
You wanna bet me money?
$10 says you're not here.
- That's a bet, chump.
- Here, you can hold it, too.
$10. You wanna...
- That you're not here.
- All right, go on, prove it.
- You're not in Chicago, are you?
- Why, certainly not.
- You're not in Philadelphia, are you?
- No.
- You're not in St. Louis, are you?
- Of course not.
If you're not in Chicago, you're not in
Philadelphia, and you're not in St. Louis...
you must be someplace else.
- That's right, yeah.
- Am I right?
Well, if you're someplace else
you can't be here.
- No.
- That's all.
- That's a good one.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna pull that on my boss.
He needs a little humor.
That's all right. You know how it is.
- Does the mouse know about this?
- He don't know anything.
- He don't know anything?
- No.
- I'll pull it on him.
- Go ahead.
Hey, you. Get up out of there.
- Get up, come out.
- What'd you get me up for?
I want to bet you $10 that you're not here.
Hey, come on.
- What's the matter with you?
- I wanna make you a bet.
I'll bet you $10 that you're not here.
- You wanna bet me $10?
- Yeah, that's right.
A chance to make some money. Come on.
Put it right here. Here's mine.
There you are.
Are you ready?
I'm going to prove that you're not here.
- You're not in Chicago, are you?
- No, sir, but I got an aunt there.
You're not in Chicago, are you?
And you're not in St. Louis?
- And you're not in Philadelphia?
- No, sir.
You're not in Chicago, St. Louis,
or Philadelphia...
- then you must be someplace else.
- Right.
And if you're someplace else,
you're not here.
- Yes. That's right.
- Give me back my money.
- Who took your money?
- That's my money.
- You did, that's my...
- I took your money?
- That's right.
- Now just a minute, big boy.
Didn't you say that I wasn't in Chicago,
Philadelphia, or St. Louis?
That's right.
If I'm not in Chicago, St. Louis,
or Philadelphia, I must be someplace else.
- If I'm someplace else, I couldn't be here.
- That's right.
If I'm not here,
how could I take your money?
I love pickles and milk.
The mailman! There he is.
Thanks ever so much.
- It should be in here.
- It's gotta be in there.
Here it is, I told you it would get here.
- $50,000 safe and sound.
- Right in the envelope.
- Oh, boy.
- Pretty cute.
- Open for a thrill of a life.
- $50,000 worth of thrills.
- It was my idea.
- Yes, indeed.
I can go along with a gag,
but where's the dough?
Honest...
I put it in that little envelope with my own
two little hands. I put it in there.
Why, I know I did.
Ted, there must be some mistake. Now...
What's the matter, chump?
You look kind of sick.
- Pickles and milk don't agree with me.
- You don't agree with me, either.
Hold him, Chuck. Hold him, too.
Hello, Mr. McBride.
The $50,000?
Well, I was just going to call you on that,
Mr. McBride. You see...
I had a little tough break.
I'll give you 48 hours.
After that, if the money isn't paid...
I will speak to the district attorney.
But you wouldn't do that, Mr. McBride.
I certainly will. Bye.
Let him go, Chuck.
Now look, boys...
I know $50,000 is a lot of dough.
Why don't you just hand it over
and we'll forget the whole thing?
We haven't got your money.
- We're as honest as the day is long.
- That includes daylight-saving.
I want that dough and I want it right now.
Mr. Craig, honest...
all I know is we went into an office...
and they were mailing out
thousands of envelopes...
maybe millions of envelopes.
I put the money in one little envelope
then I put the little envelope...
into a big envelope
and I addressed it to you.
Mailmen are delivering those envelopes
all over town this very minute.
And as far as my money is concerned,
it's goodbye.
Goodbye, Mr. Craig.
- Hilda?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Who was it?
- The postman.
- She's been screaming her head off.
- How have you stood it for two years?
A girl's gotta work.
Such toast.
I'll put them there.
Carol?
Yes, Miss Van Buren?
How many times have I told you never
to bring me these silly advertisements?
Here, throw it away.
Yes, Miss Van Buren.
Bills...
"What every woman wants. "
Carol?
"Open for the thrill of a lifetime. "
Did it take you all morning
to dispose of one little letter?
Miss Van Buren,
are you sure don't want this?
Carol, how many times
do I have to tell you...
I don't want to be bothered
with those advertisements?
- But, this envelope has...
- I don't care what it has.
I don't want it.
- But, Miss Van Buren, please.
- Carol.
Keep it, throw it away,
do anything you want with it.
- Now get my cold towel this instant.
- Yes, Miss Van Buren.
I'll hold on till you find out.
Will you guys keep quiet?
I can't hear a thing!
Thank you very much.
Break it up.
I just checked
with the Plaza Mailing Service.
They tell me they did send out
those face powder samples yesterday.
You boys got a break.
The order was for 25,000,
but so far only 800 have been mailed.
Wait a minute.
If we could get hold of that mailing list,
we could see everybody on it...
and possibly find the one
who's got the money.
Give us a chance to get the money.
We'll get it if it takes us a year.
I have a very impatient client. Mr. McBride.
He says I've gotta pay up in 48 hours.
That gives you boys 36 hours
to get that money or else...
Go get that mailing list.
Wait a minute, come here.
- See this watch?
- It's got a hole in it.
It used to belong to a pal of mine
named Shoebox Jackson.
Now you keep it, pudgy.
If you don't kick in by tomorrow,
there'll be a bullet hole in the middle.
- Then it won't work so well.
- I won't work so well either.
- I don't want it.
- Get going. Midnight tomorrow.
Get your coat.
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Somebody took my coat.
I had a coat when I come in here.
Here's your coat. Pardon us.
Mr. Upson, we only want to borrow them
for 24 hours.
Absolutely not. This is our
deluxe special private mailing list.
And if a rival company got a hold of it,
I'd lose my job.
- He fainted.
- From what?
The heat.
- What'll we do?
- He needs air.
I'll fan him.
Watch out. Give him plenty of air.
See, that brings him right to.
- There you are.
- How do you feel? What was wrong?
I felt like I had teeny-weeny light bulbs
in my head.
- You should have your head x-rayed.
- I did.
- What did they find?
- Little teeny-weeny light bulbs.
I better get him out in the air.
We finally got the list.
Our lives depend on this,
we've got to work fast.
So we'll divide them equally.
You look up your half, I'll look up my half.
There's 20 pages.
That's 30 names to every page.
There's one for me, there's one for you.
There's two for me, there's one, two for you.
There's three for me,
there's one, two, three for you.
There's four for me,
there's one, two, three, four for you.
There's five for me...
there's one, two, three, four, five for you.
Now look them up, kid, get that money.
- Clerk.
- Hey, Ted.
- I don't know.
- Nobody answers over here.
- It's one of those apartment buildings...
- Can I help you?
- What's the matter with you?
- I wanted to help you.
That's perfectly all right.
Help the lady, come on.
You certainly have a lot of things.
- It's only part of it.
- I'm glad I didn't have to pay for them.
- You don't mind if we help you?
- No, thank you.
- There you are.
- Swell. Come on.
Hold that, please.
Thank you.
There they are.
They got a dame working with them.
So that's where they sent the dough.
Nick is going to love this.
- Thank you for helping me.
- It's nothing.
Now could you tell us
where Miss Van Buren's apartment is?
It's the first apartment
right around the corner.
It was nice meeting a rich lady like you.
If we only had all the money you have,
we wouldn't have to worry.
Goodbye.
Hurry up. Come on, this is important.
Here.
- Yes?
- Is Miss Van Buren in?
- Miss Van Buren is not seeing anyone.
- Is she in the living room?
- No. Now, she's indisposed.
- We'll see her in there.
Wait a minute.
Come back here now.
Look, you two, you can't...
You're impudent young men.
Forcing your way into my boudoir.
I beg your pardon,
we don't intend to be rude...
did you receive a sample of a face powder
in the mails?
- "Thrill of a Lifetime. "
- It's an advertisement.
My secretary, Carol Blair,
took care of all such trash.
I never look at advertisements.
Can we see her for a minute?
She's no longer with me.
Where is she? We gotta find her.
She rented an apartment down the hall, 209.
It seems that she inherited some money
and that she...
- What is this? You haven't got...
- We've come for the $50,000.
The $50,000?
I don't know what you're talking about.
The money you got in the mail.
If this is some trick of Miss Van Buren's
to get the money back, I'm not interested.
I offered it twice and she told me
to keep it. That's what I'll do.
Then you did get the money.
The money belongs to Nick Craig.
We were mailing it to him,
but by mistake we mailed it to you.
If we don't have the money by tonight,
he'll kill us.
- Don't give me that, I don't believe you.
- Look out the window.
Look down there.
That's Nick and his boys.
They're following us.
You see this watch here?
You see the bullet hole in it?
Used to belong to Shoebox Jackson.
If we don't get the money by 12:00 tonight,
we'll be in a box with Jackson.
Please give us our money.
I couldn't give all back to you.
I spent some of it.
We won't quibble over a few dollars.
What did you buy?
I got the mink coat, that was $10,000,
the rent's $2,000.
You'll be telling us
you bought an automobile next.
$5,000.
And clothes, $4,000, and a diamond brooch,
that was $12,000.
And a few incidentals for $200 or $300?
- $4,000. I guess that just about covers it.
- Covers it.
- Let's see, that's the sum of...
- I wish we had some of it back.
Well, I've only got about $2,000 left.
I'm awfully sorry.
She's sorry.
- Open up, you guys, this a showdown.
- What'll we do?
- We'll just have to tell them.
- We can't.
If they find out that Miss Blair
has the money...
she'll be worse off than us.
- Wait a minute, I have it. We'll hide her.
- Take your coat.
Step right in there.
Hide all this stuff around here, too.
Get some packages.
Nice place you got here.
Where's my money?
We're still looking for it.
- And where's the girl?
- There's no girl here.
Look, I've had enough of these alibis!
You better come across or I'll let you have it
now instead of midnight.
No, you're not.
You can't blame the boys for something
that was entirely my fault.
- I got the money in the mail and I spent it.
- Now, isn't that just dandy?
We'll do everything we can
to get the money for you.
I'll bring back all the things I bought.
Not today because the stores
are closed on Saturday.
Well, that's too bad. Monday's too late.
I must have that money by midnight.
But you heard what I said, that's impossible.
Why can't you give us more time?
Because I happen to owe that money
to J.C. McBride...
and he happens to be very impatient for it.
His answer to me was no,
so my answer to you is no!
As long as I'm paying for this joint,
I hope you don't mind if I use my phone.
- Where is it?
- There it is, over there.
All you do is dial it,
the little holes over there...
Hello, Mr. McBride? Craig speaking.
Say, I'll have that money
for you right on schedule.
What? Another bet?
Lolly C, Belmont Downs? 30-to-1?
Okay. $1,000 on the nose.
Yes, sir. Thank you, Mr. McBride.
Let's go, boys.
Well, that's it, folks.
You have exactly 10 hours
and 20 minutes left.
- There must be something we can do.
- Yes, but what?
I know. I'll phone Mr. McBride
and pour on the charm.
Maybe I can persuade him
to change his mind.
If she can get McBride to wait,
Nick will wait.
And if she can't,
well, it's been a short and happy life.
Goodbye, pal,
the time allotted to me has expired.
- Where did you get that from?
- I got it off my insurance policy.
Go away.
Hello, I'd like to speak to Mr. McBride.
Well, when do you expect him?
Oh, I see. Thanks.
He's not in. The butler says
that when the races are on...
he never knows when he'll be home.
Unless he loses, and he never loses.
But Craig just spoke to him.
The amount of money that McBride bets,
Craig, no doubt...
- The amount of money he bets.
- What's the matter?
- The races! Well, that's it, of course!
- I don't understand.
But don't you see,
McBride's a man who never loses.
He just bet $1,000 on Lolly C at 30-to-1.
- And we've got $2,000.
- Wait a minute. We're in!
We can pay off Nick
and have plenty left over.
- Get your coat, go get your hat.
- Okay.
Boy, why didn't I think of that?
Why certainly, we'll shoot the works.
- We'll bet on Lolly C at 30-to-1.
- 30-to-1?
- How can we do that? It's already 1:45.
- Come on, please.
- Will one of you drive?
- You take the wheel.
Make it snappy. We've only got
15 minutes before post time.
- Which button starts it?
- Oh, that one there.
- What did he do?
- Pushed the wrong button.
Come on, please.
Come on, hurry up.
- What did you do now?
- I didn't do nothing.
Tommy, will you stop playing?
- Get in here and drive.
- Hurry up, Tommy.
Somebody's doing something, yeah?
Now leave that alone. Come on, get in there.
All right.
What did you do now?
- Sit down.
- Oh, no.
- Sit down, get down in there.
- I can't.
- See if there's anybody behind us.
- Everything is clear, let's get out of here.
What's the idea of bumping into me?
Can't you see where you're going?
- Are you blind?
- I hit you, didn't I?
- Oh, a fresh guy.
- You...
See you later.
Hello, Craig? This is McBride speaking.
I want to change my bet
from Lolly C to Lucky George.
That's right, Lucky George. Am I on? Okay.
- Don't you want to use a chair?
- Sit down there.
Well, here we go.
$2,000. There you are, put her down.
- What are you doing?
- Putting it down.
Not on the floor, put it down on the horse.
- Put it down on the horse?
- Certainly.
- What?
- I don't think there's a horse in the place.
- Oh stop. Waiter?
- Yes, sir.
- Can you take a bet?
- Yes, sir.
- Place your bet with the waiter.
- Give him the bet?
We want to bet a lot of money
on a horse called Lolly C.
Here's $500, put it on the nose.
Another $500, put it on the tail.
- Another $1,000. Put it under the saddle.
- What's that for?
- In case the horse comes in sideways.
- Wait a minute.
Take that $2,000
and put it right on the nose of Lolly C.
- Right on the nose.
- Yes, sir.
How do you like that?
Betting Nick's dough on a horse.
Yeah, and not even betting with Nick.
- Here's your receipt, sir.
- Thanks.
- And here's today's racing information.
- Fine.
- There you are, honey.
- Thank you.
Now let's see what we're gonna do.
- What's Lolly C on the line?
- Lolly C, let's see.
Lolly C, 30-to-1 on the line.
Wait a minute,
you better go up and get the rundown.
Thirty-to-one. That will get us even.
- Go up and get the what?
- The rundown.
- Couldn't I walk?
- Yes, certainly. Go ahead.
Lolly C.
- Where can I get a rubdown?
- You don't need a rubdown.
- I got something that'll make you well.
- What?
Tony's tips.
Eight winners in eight races yesterday.
How come?
They're pretty cheap,
50 cents for today's tips...
and $1 for yesterday's.
How come yesterday's cost more
than today's?
Well, they all won, didn't they?
I never gave that a thought.
Give me yesterday's.
Thanks a lot.
I got nothing but winners here.
I think I'll play the third horse...
Yesterday's.
Yesterday's.
- Wanna buy a dope sheet?
- No, thanks, we don't.
Excuse me, wanna buy a dope sheet?
Eight straight winners.
- Nope.
- All good ones.
- $1.
- No.
50 cents? 25 cents? Nickel?
- Play you a game of pool for it.
- You will? Okay.
Here's the sheet.
- How about a little side bet?
- Okay.
Say $1,000.
Who would like to buy a dope sheet?
Eight winners for $1.
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
Gracious me, isn't a $1,000 bet big enough?
- It isn't that, but I haven't got the money.
- That's all right.
You can give me your IOU.
You would take my IOU?
Now, don't get insulted.
I realize you're not the type of man...
who would give his IOU
to a perfect stranger.
So permit me to introduce myself.
Julius Caesar.
- Who would like to buy a dope sheet for $1?
- Now listen, just a minute, please.
Now I realize why you would take my IOU.
Allow me to introduce myself to you.
I am Brutus.
Fellows, Romans, and countrymen...
who would like to buy a dope sheet?
Eight winners for $1.
Come here. But I really am Julius Caesar.
- The second.
- There's two of you running around loose?
- Shall we play?
- Let's.
- Let's see who'll shoot first.
- All right.
See? I never lose.
- But you can shoot first.
- Oh, thank you.
I'm afraid you used too much English.
Attaboy. Permit me.
There you are.
- This is a rougher game than football.
- Yeah, if you wish.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome. You gotta call your shot.
- Thirteen in the corner pocket.
- I'm gonna watch.
Some shot!
Look, come here.
Honestly, these tips are no good.
I can give you a sure winner
on the next race.
- I got the winner on the next race, Lolly C.
- I tell you I never lose.
The guy's tip that we'll play never loses.
Lolly C.
You should bet on Lucky George.
I changed my bet
from Lolly C to Lucky George...
- because Lolly C is off her feed.
- She's off her feed?
- What does she eat?
- Her fodder.
Mr. Caesar?
- She eats her fodder?
- Yes.
- Well, what does her mother eat?
- She eats her fodder.
Just a minute. Look, Mr. Caesar.
Suppose a little old horse is born,
where's his papa?
In the pasture.
- Now does the little horse eat the papa?
- Oh, of course not.
His papa is in the pasture,
and his fodder is in the barn.
No more of the game now. Just a minute.
- Don't make silly of me or something.
- No. What's the matter?
- Mr. Caesar.
- Yes?
The little horse's papa, isn't that his father?
Well, how can that be?
The papa never saw the little horse's fodder.
- Never come home nights?
- This is no laughing matter.
There's another reason
why Lucky George will win.
Lucky George is a mudder.
How can a he be a mother?
Ain't a she always a mother?
Sometimes a he
is a better mudder than a she.
- How can you tell?
- By their feet.
Going someplace?
I'd like to speak to Mr. J.C. McBride.
Good afternoon, everyone,
this is Oscar Otis...
- Still not home.
- I guess it all depends on Lolly C.
Ted, Carol, I want you to meet
Mr. Julius Caesar.
He says that Lolly C can't win.
She just got through eating her old man.
Lucky George is gonna win
because he just had a baby. And then...
I merely suggested that he change his bet
to Lucky George because...
We don't want any of your phony tips.
I've met guys like you before.
- He's a racetrack trout?
- Yeah, quiet.
Listen, I've got a surefire thing
from a surefire bettor, so beat it.
Well, I'm awfully sorry,
but I assure you I'm a respectable citizen.
- Here's my card.
- Yeah, all right, go ahead.
They're off and running.
Menu is going to the front,
Flying Rhythm is second. Lolly C is third.
Cable Car fourth, and Lucky George.
It's Menu in front...
- Lucky George!
- Come on, Lolly C!
- Come on, Lucky George!
- Come on, Lucky Lolly.
And Lolly C racing strongly on the outside.
At the half, it's Menu still in front.
- Lucky George!
- Lolly C.
- Lucky George!
- Lucky George! Lucky Lolly!
- Lolly George!
- Lucky George!
- Lolly C!
- Lucky George!
Lolly C is second on the inside by a half.
Cable Car on the outside by a head,
and Lucky George.
Into the stretch,
it's Lolly C in front by a length...
Menu is second by a head,
and Lucky George.
It's Lolly C and Lucky George.
It's Lucky George and Lolly C...
as they come down to the line of finish...
it's Lucky George winning it
with Lolly C second, and Menu is third.
I'm awfully sorry,
but I wanted you to play Lucky George.
I know.
- I guess we owe you an apology.
- Well, that's all right.
- Can I give you a tip on the eighth race?
- We haven't got any money.
- I'll lend you some.
- No, thank you.
We owe a lot of money now.
If the man we owed the money to
and the man he owed the money to...
were as nice as you,
well, I guess everything would be all right.
I'm going to try the phone again.
A man can't stay away
from home all the time.
I do.
Tommy, there's very little time left...
and no possible chance of us
raising that money.
We've got to get Carol
out of this mess somehow.
Wait a minute.
Mr. Caesar, do me a favor, please.
Take care of Carol.
I got business to attend to.
- Glad to.
- You would?
Get up, Ted. Sit down, Mr. Caesar.
She'll be right back.
- Take it easy, what will you do?
- I'll ask Nick to leave her out of this.
- Suppose he don't?
- He's got to.
I don't care what he does to me, but yea...
he shall never disdain the lady's honor.
That was cute, wasn't it?
Get the telephone book
and look up the number.
Nicholas Craig, Nicholas...
- I got it.
- All right.
Call him up.
I'm going outside and get some air.
Hello. I wanna speak
to Nicholas Craig, please.
Where can I reach him?
Garfield 90042? Thank you.
To Garfield...
Nobody's gonna harm that Carol.
- Nobody at all.
- Hello.
- Is Nicholas Craig there?
- Nicholas Craig?
- Hold the line, please.
- Okay.
- You're wanted on the phone, Mr. Craig.
- Okay.
I suppose it's McBride again.
I'd like to meet that guy face-to-face
so I know who I'm dealing with.
- First booth, Mr. Craig.
- Okay.
- Hello, McBride.
- McBride ain't here.
- I'm not calling Mr. McBride.
- What did you ask for him for?
I'm not asking for him,
I don't even want to see him.
- Does he want to see you?
- Oh, yeah.
- Then call him up.
- I did call him up.
That's all I've done for 24 hours is yell:
"Hello, McBride. " "How are you, McBride?"
"Yes, McBride. "
McBride. He ain't here.
- I know he's not there.
- Well, what are you yelling for?
- I mean, after all...
- I'm not yelling.
A waiter came to me and said,
"Phone, Mr. Craig. "
- Mr. Craig ain't here either.
- I'm not calling Mr. Craig.
- Nick Craig is on the telephone!
- Well, wait till he gets off, then talk to him.
Look, I'm Nick Craig. Nicholas Craig!
- Oh, Mr. Craig. How are you?
- Yeah.
I've been trying to get you but some dope
keeps butting in wanting to talk to McBride.
This is little Tommy,
the fellow you said "12:00 or else"?
Why, you... If I had you here
I wouldn't wait till 12:00.
Listen, you. I don't care what you do to me,
but leave Carol out of this.
- You're telling me to lay off the dame?
- Don't call her a dame!
I'll call her anything I want to call...
- Over my dead body!
- I'll do that, too!
Listen, I don't care what you do to me,
but leave Miss Carol out of this.
Why should I? She's in on the deal.
The three of you blew in the dough
I owe Mr. McBride!
- McBride?
- Yes. McBride!
- He's not here!
- I know he's not there!
Now listen, don't you yell at me!
- I'm not scared of you! I'll fight you!
- And I'll fight you!
We better call it a draw.
Right after I talk to you on the phone...
I'd like to meet you in the alley
over by the Television Club.
- It's okay by me.
- In five minutes I'll meet you there.
- Don't have any tough guys to help you.
- I'll be there all by myself!
You're darn tooting.
Because I ain't gonna be there!
Wait till I get a hold of that fat...
Let him go.
- Where's the dame?
- She's at that table.
Well, keep an eye her.
Wherever she is,
the monkeys will be close by.
And at 12:00 I'm gonna finish this deal.
And it won't be over the telephone.
He's mad.
So, Tommy.
The only thing for us to do is to get out
of town when they're not watching us.
I'm not gonna leave Carol all alone.
- Caesar will take care of her.
- Who's gonna watch Caesar?
The guy in a white coat's coming for him,
and I don't mean the Good Humor Man.
Never cross in the middle of a street.
- Want to get arrested?
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
- Oh, no.
- I don't want to get arrested.
- We've gotta figure a way to go to jail.
Then we'll be safe from Nick and the gang.
- How are we gonna get arrested?
- I know what we'll do.
- You insult a woman.
- I can't do that. I respect women.
- Do you wanna continue respecting women?
- Of course.
Then we better figure a way on getting
to jail. That's it, you insult a woman.
We'll pick the first woman that comes along.
Come here.
Do this right, you understand?
Here's your chance. Go ahead.
- Hiya, toots.
- Toots?
Don't you dare call me toots.
I quit the mob 10 years ago.
I'm trying to go straight.
If you guys don't let me alone...
I'll get One-Eyed Pitsie after you.
You know what that means.
Now get going, take a powder.
- What happened?
- She's one of the boys.
Well, never mind. We'll try something else.
I have it, you'll steal something.
- We'll surely get arrested.
- Yeah, absolutely. Wait a minute.
See that man coming out of that restaurant?
With the coat under his arm?
Steal that coat, go ahead.
- Give me that coat.
- I didn't mean to steal it, mister.
I didn't know it was your coat.
Don't call the cops.
- I got a wife and kids to support.
- Here you are.
Thanks, mister.
Theodore.
Your way of getting arrested is no good.
I'm gonna show you how to get arrested.
Stand here. I'll show you what I mean.
You're in the way. Stand over here. Please.
"5890." You're gonna be a sergeant soon.
- You're under arrest.
- What about me?
And you, too!
- Who broke that glass?
- I did.
- I got them.
- I want them. I want to congratulate you.
You proved to me that that glass
wasn't shatterproof.
You should arrest this man for false
representation. He sold me that glass.
Come on.
Come on in the store
and pick out any watch you want.
I got a watch right here
I'd like to give to you.
Twenty thousand laws in this city,
we can't find one to break.
Now don't get excited. I'll get you out
of this mess and get you in jail.
I have it, and this one won't miss.
I'll call up The Copper Club.
That place is too expensive.
- You got to have your dinners financed.
- That's it.
We'll order, say 12 tables.
We go down there and eat plenty,
run up a big bill.
- No money to pay for it.
- What happens?
- We're gonna wind up in jail.
- That's just it.
We play our cards right,
we'll wind up with five years.
Swell. Now you call Carol...
and I'll take care of The Copper Club.
Come on.
Here we are all together again.
How are you? Brutus!
Julius Caesar, a Roman and a Globian.
The feedbag awaits.
- Just a minute. Feedbag?
- Yes.
You see, in racetrack parlance, that's
a receptacle that holds the horse's fodder.
Just a minute, Mr. Caesar.
No more talk about the horse's mother
or the horse's father.
I'm afraid you misunderstand me.
When I say mudder...
I'm referring to a horse
that runs in the mud, not mother.
- By the way, how is your mater and pater?
- My mater and pater?
They went to the theater
with my "brater" and "sater. "
- Shall we go?
- I think we better.
You will find that the main...
Trap door?
Oh, I say, it's much nicer inside.
They have tables. Shall I help you?
Come on up.
- That's better, there we are.
- Shall we go? Let's go.
Mr. Caesar, the tables are on this side.
Come on, they're waiting for us.
Take it easy now.
Don't mind my inviting Caesar.
He always talking about big money...
- so I thought we'd let him pay the check.
- No.
If he pays the check, we're sunk.
Mr. Caesar, do you mind showing Carol
the aquarium bar?
Why, I'd love to.
The biggest bet I ever won
was on the size of a fish.
- May I take your hat?
- Thank you.
- What's the idea?
- He may pay the bill. Then we are in a mess.
- He's liable to stop us from going to jail?
- Certainly.
Who do you think you are
to stop us from going to jail?
I mean I didn't have time to go through Yale.
Carol, you run along with Mr. Caesar.
As soon as the food is served I'll call you.
Come along, dear. I want to tell you
how I caught my fish and had it mounted.
A mounted fish.
What whoppers that guy tells!
Did you ever see a mounted fish?
You ever see a fish on a horse?
Go paddle your own canoe.
We're in enough trouble as it is.
Quiet. You have a reservation
for Ted Higgins and party?
Yes, sir. The best tables.
It's all ready. This way, please.
- Excuse me. I'm sorry.
- You always have to be the... Sit down.
- Here you are, gentlemen.
- Thank you.
- Serve the food.
- But your guests haven't arrived.
- They'll be a little late. Serve the food.
- The food will be cold.
When it gets cold bring it back
in the kitchen and get more food.
- Just put it on the bill, that's all.
- Very well, sir.
There they are.
Hey, look at that big table they got.
They must be gonna throw a party.
Yeah, and in a joint like this,
that costs plenty.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
Thank you.
- You picked a nice place to run up a big bill.
- High class.
- Oh, very.
- Wonderful, boy. Well, eat up.
- Eat plenty, it's our last meal.
- Okay.
- This is really a gorgeous place and...
- Wonderful.
Look at that wall over there.
Isn't that a beautiful wall?
You know what that wall reminds me of?
This one here.
Stop, walls are walls.
Suppose you bore a hole in that wall?
- I walk over and bore a hole in the wall.
- Why would you do that?
- I'm not boring a hole in the wall.
- Why should you?
You said, "Suppose you walk over
and bore a hole in the wall. "
I was dopey enough to say
I would go and do it.
- Don't blame me.
- Makes no difference.
- I don't bore holes in walls.
- That's what I wanna know.
- I don't have to get out through a hole.
- You see that.
- They got exits here if I wanna...
- Exit?
- E-X-I-T out.
- What makes you so dumb?
- It just comes to me naturally.
- Sure.
You walk into a baseball field.
What teams are playing?
- I don't know.
- Then what are you doing there?
I don't know.
You got me in, now get me out.
What is the first thing you buy
in a baseball field?
A hot dog. Without mustard.
- Mustard goes with a hot dog.
- Not with mine.
- Mustard was made for the hot dog.
- I don't like mustard.
- They go together.
- Let them. I don't wanna spoil any romance.
Do you know they spend millions of dollars
to put up factories to manufacture mustard?
Do you know those factories employ
thousands of men?
Just to manufacture mustard?
And those men take care
of thousands of families and homes?
All on account of mustard! And you.
Just because you don't like mustard...
What do you want them to do? Close those
factories and put them out of work?
You're telling me 'cause I don't eat mustard,
I'll close down a mustard factory?
You're telling me all those people are
making one little jar of mustard just for me?
Tell them not to make any more
'cause I'm not gonna eat it.
All right. So you don't like it.
- I like Worcestershire shauce.
- What?
You can't even shay it.
But I don't go for mustard.
- No, I don't like it. I like this.
- You don't know why you dislike it?
I'm not gonna put nobody out of work.
I told you before.
- All right, forget about it.
- Okay.
Sit here like a big dummy.
I don't know why I hang around with you.
- You can't answer a question...
- You said I was putting people out of work.
- That's what you are doing.
- I'm not.
Men, husbands walking the streets,
doing nothing.
- I'm not putting husbands out of work.
- You don't know what a husband is.
A husband is what's left of a sweetheart
after the nerve is killed.
Now listen, no remarks out of you.
I ask you simple little questions,
and you say nothing at all.
- Ask me an easy question. A tiny one.
- Will you answer it?
Suppose you had $5 in one pants pocket
and $10 in the other, what would you have?
- Somebody else's pants on.
- You won't answer the question.
I ain't got any money. Why are you asking
me those kind of questions?
Quiet.
- Look here. Say you're 40 years old.
- Who's 40?
- Just say, pretend...
- I'm a boy.
- All right, pretend you're...
- I'm a boy.
- I'm not 40.
- Pretend you're 40 years old.
And you're in love with a little girl,
say, 10 years old.
- This one's gonna be a pip.
- Wait a minute till I finish it.
Now I'm going around
with a 10-year-old girl.
- I got a good idea where I'm gonna wind up.
- Wait a minute.
Now you're 40, she's 10.
You're four times as old as that girl.
You couldn't marry her, could you?
- Not unless I come from the mountains.
- Never mind.
- I'm asking a simple question. Answer it.
- Go ahead.
You're 40, she's 10.
You're four times as old as her.
- You can't marry her so you wait five years.
- I wait.
Now you're 45. The little girl is 15.
Now you're only three times
as old as that little girl, right?
So you wait 15 years more.
Now the little girl is 30, you're 60.
Now you're only twice as old
as that little girl.
- She's catching up.
- Yes. Now here's the question.
How long do you have to wait before
you and the little girl are the same age?
Now go ahead.
There's a very simple question. Think hard.
- The whole thing is ridiculous.
- What's ridiculous?
If I keep waiting for her she'll pass me up.
She'll be older than I am.
- What?
- She'll have to wait for me.
- Why should she wait for you?
- I was nice enough to wait for her.
- Stop.
- Who does she think she is anyway?
- She doesn't wait for me, I don't marry her.
- Marry her?
- If she's a nice girl...
- Wait. Do you know her?
Why should you marry a girl
you don't even know?
I asked you to ask me a simple one, didn't I?
All right. Now take it easy.
We're going to jail fast enough,
don't get excited.
Ask me a simple one.
- Every time I talk...
- Ask me that question slow again.
- I get headaches when I talk to you.
- Take an aspirin.
- You're telling me to take aspirin.
- It's good for a headache.
Have you a license to practice medicine?
Doctors all over the world,
they study, they spend their lives...
they go to college to become doctors!
And you tell me to take an aspirin.
When one friend has a headache,
another tells him to take an aspirin. Simple.
- You have no business.
- Don't take the aspirin.
So I should go around with a headache?
There's a fine pal.
- Then take a Bromo Seltzer.
- Never mind, I'll take what I want!
Say you're in the Grand Central Station,
New York City.
Right? Will you stop that, please?
Put it down.
You're in the Grand Central Station.
You buy a ticket.
- Where are you going?
- Nowhere.
- Why did you buy a ticket?
- I didn't.
- Then what are you doing in the depot?
- Same as the baseball game.
Now you got me in a depot.
- What am I doing in a depot?
- Why are you blaming me for these things?
- Did you know where you were going?
- I don't know. You put me in the station.
Don't blame everything on me!
Now that I'm there,
I'll have to find someplace to go.
- Find someplace to go.
- I'll go bye-bye.
Where is bye-bye?
- Over that way someplace.
- What's over there?
- Bye-bye.
- Oh, stop. Will you please talk sense?
I'll go to Baltimore.
I don't wanna go, but I'll go.
- That'll settle it.
- Why did you have to pick out Baltimore?
Of all the towns in the U.S.,
why did you have to pick out Baltimore?
- What's the matter with Philadelphia?
- I got friends in Baltimore.
- Suppose you had friends in Philadelphia?
- Then I'd go to Philadelphia.
- What about your friends in Baltimore?
- I'm not talking to them anymore!
If you were married
and your wife was in Philadelphia.
- Then I'd go to Chicago.
- Go ahead, eat your shrimp.
- Get it over with.
- Don't push it into my mouth.
After all, you ain't paying for this.
- I'm splitting half of this.
- Come on.
Hey, wait a minute. Just a minute.
We've got 15 minutes before the deadline.
Not that. Get the waiter.
Get the check. Waiter!
If you would be patient, please,
your food is on its way.
Never mind the food.
We don't want the food, just the check.
- Even though we ain't gonna pay for it.
- In that case I better call the manager.
You want to see me?
What seems to be the trouble?
- The gentlemen want the check.
- Give it to them.
The check is $498.61, gentlemen.
- You forgot the tax.
- That's right. Thank you.
That's an additional $14.94.
I have a very funny question to ask you.
- What do you do to people who can't pay?
- We put them in jail.
- Service for two, please.
- You mean that you...
- Come, my good man, the patrol wagon.
- Make sure we get a seat.
- The last time we had to stand up.
- Come with me, please.
Be delighted. Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.
- Tommy, I think it's going to work.
- There's only one thing wrong.
- What?
- I'm scared about Carol.
- Don't worry.
- Caesar will take care of her.
- Gentlemen, I hate to do this.
It's your duty! You've got to.
That's no way to treat your customers
who don't pay.
You've gotta send us to jail,
and we gotta go right away.
Here's the phone. Call the police right away.
Take them...
- What seems to be the trouble, Johnny?
- A matter of $498. A check they won't pay.
- You mail it to me, I'll take care of it.
- Sure, Nick, thank you.
Nice try, but we had a date at 12:00,
and I never miss an appointment.
Where's the dame?
- Don't you call that girl anything...
- Where is the dame?
She's not here.
That's right.
They were alone when we saw them.
We want her in our little party.
If a young lady asks for these gentlemen...
tell her they accompanied Mr. Craig
to the State Sand and Gravel Company.
Sure, Nick.
Come on, little fish.
I won!
Now let me see, your fish won five times.
My fish won five times. That's a tie.
But I still owe you $50,000
from matching pennies.
- Look, I'll bet...
- I'll bet, I'll bet this, I'll bet that.
I'm getting tired of your silly bets.
Why do you insist upon making bets
when you can't pay them?
But I can. Here's the $50,000 I owe you.
Well I, I didn't think...
You didn't think
that my check would be good.
That's why you wanted cash.
No, I thought we were just betting for fun.
Fun? Oh, my dear girl,
J.C. McBride never bets for fun.
McBride? J.C. McBride?
Of course. Julius Caesar McBride.
But we've been phoning you all day,
and you've been with us all the time.
Come on, Caesar, wait till the boys
find out that you're McBride.
- Why, you're manna from heaven.
- No, McBride from Boston.
- Well, where are they?
- I can't see them. Ask the manager.
Oh, okay.
Those two gentlemen, Mr. Higgins
and Mr. Hinchcliffe, where are they?
Mr. Nick Craig had an appointment
with them.
They are at the
State Sand and Gravel Company.
- That's on Jersey Street.
- Jersey Street?
- I'll bet you $1,000 it's Jersey Avenue.
- Caesar, we have a date with Mr. Craig.
Oh, my hat. My hat, please. Thank you.
Oh, there it is.
- Oh, thanks. Here you are, thank you.
- You drive.
I'll drive. All right. Hold the door.
Gracious me,
I must have pressed the wrong button.
- Hurry up.
- Yes.
That's odd.
And there's no use asking for the dough
because I know you and the gal blew it in.
And as the old saying goes,
"It's no use crying over spilled milk. "
- Thank you, Mr. Craig.
- But this wasn't milk. It was money.
If I was a tough guy
like you see in the movies...
the first thing I would do would be this.
But I'm not in the movies so I can't do that.
But I'm the type of a guy
that will take a shot at you.
$50,000 is a lot of dough,
and you're the first guys who chiseled me.
I'd like to have something
to remember you by.
- Take them over there.
- I'm a young boy.
I never did anything in my life.
- What is this?
- What are you going to do, Mr. Craig?
I just want your footprints in the cement.
Who'll see our footprints
in the bottom of a barrel?
The little fishes.
Get that thing started.
Stay where you are, now!
Another move out of you,
and I'll let you have it.
- Ted, Tommy, I've got it.
- You've got it?
The money.
- Where'd you get it?
- I got it from Mr. McBride.
This is Mr. McBride.
- McBride.
- We been trying to...
- Why didn't you tell us?
- You didn't ask me.
- If you're Mr. McBride, prove it.
- Well, why should I?
Because I don't believe it.
What did you say to me
on the phone yesterday?
I told you I'd give you 48 hours
to dig up the money...
- otherwise I'd see the district attorney.
- That's right.
- But you being with them. I don't get it.
- Oh, yes, you do.
Here you are, your $50,000.
And here's your $50,000, Mr. McBride.
That makes us even.
Mr. McBride,
didn't you have a bet on Lucky George?
Oh, that's right, paid $22.
That's $10,000 more you owe me.
But I'm short, can you give me
until Monday morning?
- Brutus, what do you say?
- Julius, I'll handle this.
Mr. Craig, you see this watch?
Excuse me, you see this watch?
The one with the hole in it?
That used to belong to Shoebox Jackson.
That's the fellow I near met.
Now I'm gonna give you 48 hours
to get the money or else...
Or else what?
I'll have to give you a week longer
or something like that.
That's very nice of you boys.
Now we're all friends again.
Wait a minute, not so fast.
You owe us $100 apiece
for getting you back the money.
- You heard me tell you I was short of cash.
- It's no use crying over spilled milk.
It's the nickel back on the bottle
that I care about.
I would like to have your footprints.
They're not exactly your footprints
but they'll do.
Oh, Tommy, you're wonderful.
Get ready.
Well, come on, Tommy.
Ted, you know
a fellow like that can get hurt.
Pay no attention to him.
Talking about hurt, my tooth hurts.
All night long it hurts.
There goes that tooth.
You kept me awake all last night with it.
But not tonight,
because I'll do something about that.
- What're you gonna do?
- I'll take you to the dentist.
Wait a minute,
you're going to take me to the dentist?
- Right down there to the dentist.
- Down here?
- To the dentist?
- Yeah, you heard me.
- What's the matter?
- My tooth don't hurt anymore.
Honest, it don't hurt. Look.
- Come on, get in there.
- All right.
No more toothache, come on.
I must've. Sure.
Tommy, will you come here, please?
Everything's going to be all right.
Here it is, right here.
There we are, now don't get excited.
Please come on.
- Hello.
- I'd like to have a tooth pulled.
I don't want no anesthetic,
and I don't care how much it hurts.
My, what a brave man you are.
- Which tooth is it?
- Show her the tooth.
This one over here and it hurts very much.
- It'll just be a few minutes, sit down.
- Sit over here.
Come here, sit down.
Come on, Mother.
No, you don't.
Come on. There's your man.
- Now don't worry about a thing.
- Thank you. Right this way.
Don't worry, my boy, I'll have it out in a jiffy.
Now just sit right down
and make yourself nice and comfortable.
- It isn't gonna hurt, is it?
- Hurt?
I never hurt anybody.
I'm Dr. Richards, the painless dentist.
- I'm painless.
- Well, I ain't.
Don't worry now, just get a firm hold
of the chair, please, and we'll go to work.
Now here we go.
Don't move. Steady, please.
No pain.
Don't move. Fine.
There you are. See that?
I didn't hurt you, did I?
You didn't do nothing yet.
Let me see, where is the tooth?
- Over here, right on...
- Don't point.
It's impolite.
Now let me see, does it hurt there?
There?
Must be there.
See here, I'm the dentist.
I've got to find out where the pain is.
Why don't you ask me?
It's no secret. It's over...
- That's where it is.
- Now get back in the chair.
- Sit down, if you don't mind.
- Left side.
I know exactly.
I want to get you in the right position.
Take it easy, will you?
Get your hands off that.
Now put it in second and leave it there.
You're a little high-strung.
How would you like some gas?
Okay, and check my oil.
Now don't get so smart.
I'm a very busy dentist.
I have other patients here besides you.
- Dr. Richards. Where did he go?
- I'm here.
Don't hide me.
I want to see what you're doing.
Okay, my friend, I'll do that for you.
You want to see what's going on?
Now open your mouth wide, please.
Little wider, that's better. Let me see.
Look, you, you work on the outside.
Will you please open your mouth for me?
That's fine, hold it that way.
Drop your chin a little bit.
Pull your chin down a little more.
Help me. That's fine.
Now take your chin and hold it there.
That's splendid, now hold it that way.
Now I got the tooth.
That's it. Wait, now hold it.
I got it. Roots and all.
My finger!
I'm sorry. Now just open wide,
I'll get the tooth this time.
That's it...
- Excuse me.
- Saved by the bell.
Hello. Who? The Red Cross?
You want a quart of blood?
I'll have a quart there in an hour, goodbye.
- Ted.
- Just get back in the chair.
- I don't want to. It's all right now.
- Don't worry, easy.
Ted!
This don't hurt no more. No, don't hurt. Ted!
All right, now open your mouth
very wide this time.
- Wait a minute. What will you do with that?
- I'm going to drill.
Not in my mouth, you're not gonna march.
You silly man.
Just open your mouth, will you, please?
Now... That's funny.
Here I am, let me down.
Get your foot off the accelerator
and keep your hand off the transmission.
I'm going to show you
exactly where the tooth is.
That's fine. Where is it?
Keep your hands out of your mouth,
want to poison yourself?
- There it is.
- The tooth. I pulled a tooth.
It's my first tooth! I'm a dentist.
I want a diploma...
Madam, as your psychiatrist I warn you,
you're suffering from paranoia.
You must stop seeing things
which are not there.
Forget your hallucinations and mirages...
and believe only what you actually see.
Now, to illustrate my point further,
I would like to show you my...
In my book...
You see, sometimes we think we see...
but we are not sure.
Dear me, I...
I am sure of one thing only.
I better go see my psychiatrist.
Excuse me.
Yes.
Put them in here, we'll go get some coffee.
Hey, you fellows, come here,
this is the place.
Speedy Messenger Service
certainly lives up to its name.
- Speedy Messenger Service?
- Yeah, come on in.
I just called your office.
How did you get here so quickly?
I don't think that you have the right...
Go to Arthur Stewart's office,
Liverton Building.
He'll give you $50,000,
and you'll give him this receipt.
If you have that money back here in a hurry,
I'll slip you $50 apiece. Okay?
- For $50 I'd have to wash...
- What's the matter?
Nothing at all. We'll be back in a half hour
with the cash. $50,000.
- The address is on the back of the envelope.
- Yes, sir.
- May I help you, gentlemen?
- We want to see Mr. Stewart.
- Mr. Craig sent us.
- One moment.
There're two gentlemen to see you,
Mr. Stewart, they say Mr. Craig sent them.
- Show them in.
- This way, please.
- Mr. Stewart?
- Yes?
Mr. Craig sent us for $50,000.
Yes. Wait here.
I've got the money in the safe.
That's quite a bit of change.
Change. Is he gonna pay us in nickels?
- Stop.
- Be awful heavy.
Mike, Craig's messengers are here.
I'm getting tired of that guy
laying off his bets and hooking me.
I'm gonna give them this $50,000,
get his receipt...
- and then you guys go to work.
- I get the idea.
- What a swell office this is.
- What a beautiful radio.
But I don't want any trouble
here in the office.
When they get out in the hall,
take it away from them.
Go as far as you like. Use your gats...
stick them in the back with a knife.
The Green Hornet program.
Mess them up all you want.
I'd hate to be in his shoes.
Don't let them get out of this building
with the dough.
The Green Hornet will save them.
We'll get it, boss. Consider it done.
Come on. What'd you do that for?
- Haven't you heard enough?
- That's where the important guy comes in.
Here you are, boys, $50,000.
- $50,000.
- What's the matter, you nervous?
- I'm nervous when I handle money.
- I get nervous when I don't.
- Here's your receipt.
- Thank you.
There's a wonderful program on here:
The Green Hornet.
- Ted, what's the matter?
- I'll explain.
You chump, that was no radio program.
You mean that wasn't
The Green Hornet program?
Certainly not, that was Stewart himself
telling somebody to hijack this money.
They stop at nothing, they'd even kill us.
Hey, I've got an idea.
You take the $50,000.
They'll never suspect you.
I don't want the money.
I'd only spend it on silly things.
Take the money.
Stay close to each other.
Whistle. Like you're not scared.
Duck into this mailing room,
stick that dough in an envelope...
and then address it to Nick Craig. Hurry up.
- Have you got an envelope?
- Over on the table.
- Excuse me, could I use one of those?
- Yes.
- Got a blank envelope?
- Over there.
- Can I have a blank envelope?
- Here you are.
Excuse me, can I borrow your pen?
- Why, certainly.
- Thank you.
- That's all the dough you got on you?
- Yes.
Something's wrong,
I saw this guy with the dough.
- The little fat guy's got it, then. Where is he?
- I don't know.
- Now you get out of here and stay out!
- What did I do?
There he is.
Ted, I got it!
Drop it in the mail!
I did it.
It's not your fault, it's my fault.
I should have been more careful.
All right, you boys can go.
- We're sorry about the mistake.
- That's all right.
If you mugs had been around
when I needed you...
this mix-up never would've happened.
- Maybe Stewart knows something.
- Sure, he knows he's got my receipt.
As far as he's concerned
the matter's washed up.
And so am I, if McBride don't...
Hello!
Hello, Mr. McBride.
Congratulations on King's Ransom
coming in. Paid a good price, too.
Yeah, I know. You owe me $50,000.
That's right, Mr. McBride,
and I'll have it for you in about 15 minutes.
Yeah, send over the regular way,
Speedy Service.
Speedy Service!
Well, I wonder what could have upset him.
I never lose.
- Who is this McBride character anyway?
- How do I know? I've never seen him.
All I know is he's hooked me 14 times
over that phone, now he wants his dough.
Listen...
those two guys got away with my $50,000.
Have you got your rods?
- Sure.
- Okay, go get that dough and get it fast.
Hey, what do the guys look like?
One is medium height, slender.
The other is the brains.
He's the killer type,
short, pudgy, with a baby face...
Has the cutest dimple in his right cheek.
Boys, am I glad to see you!
Where's my dough?
- It's a long story.
- I don't like them.
You like short ones? We don't have it.
- Why, you...
- Too short?
Listen, you...
Wait a minute, boys.
Put that floor back where it belongs.
Listen, wise guy, I'm gonna break
every bone in your body.
- You wouldn't hit a man wearing glasses.
- You're not.
- I know where I can borrow a pair.
- You better talk fast.
When we left your office,
we went right over to the...
Never mind! Where's the money?
We got the money all right from Mr. Stewart.
But when we left his office,
two guys tried to hijack us.
- Stewart's guys.
- That's right.
But we fooled them.
I slipped the money in an envelope...
I addressed it to you
and slipped it down the mailbox.
Tomorrow the United States Mail
will deliver it to you.
Boys, that's great. That's wonderful.
When that money arrives,
I'm going to give each one of you a C note.
No, you don't.
You're gonna stick
to the original agreement, $50 apiece.
And have the money here,
we'll be back for it in the morning.
Well, that day went fast.
- Don't get funny.
- You'll stay here until that dough arrives.
- We gotta stay here overnight?
- Yeah.
Chuck and Joe will keep you company.
- I gotta go home and get my nightie.
- You're staying until I get my $50,000.
Chuck, Joe, come out here a minute.
I want to talk to you.
- Put them down.
- I scared them.
As long as we're here for the night
we'll make ourselves comfortable.
We gotta sleep here?
Take your things off.
Get comfortable. All night.
Gangsters, you had to get mixed up with.
- It's a pretty office.
- Never mind how pretty the office is.
- Where are you going to sleep?
- I'll take the couch.
- I'll take the couch.
- You take the couch.
You know, if that money don't arrive
early in the morning...
we're in a terrible mess?
Did you ever think of that?
- That's the easiest $50 we ever made.
- Suppose it don't get here in the morning.
Hey, wait a minute. Get dressed.
We better figure a way
of getting out of here.
- We ain't gonna stay, then?
- Better not.
If that money don't get here,
we're in a mess.
- I just gave that a thought.
- Get with it.
This is a fine how-do-you-do.
We'll find a way out.
There must be some way out of here.
We'll figure a way out. Don't worry.
- You just get dressed.
- I'm all set, Ted.
Hey, wait a minute.
Suppose the money does arrive?
You know we get $100 apiece?
- Get undressed. I never thought of that.
- We can breathe again.
- Where have we ever made $100?
- I don't remember the last time.
$100 is a lot of money. But you know...
Suppose that money
should get lost in the mails?
They'd never believe us.
They'd possibly murder us. Get dressed!
Come on, hurry up!
Get with it, come on, get with it!
Shake a leg.
Come on, boy, never mind that one,
put it in the pants.
That's all that has to happen.
All you have to do
is get murdered now on me.
- What would I tell your folks?
- Easiest $50 I'm ever going to make, huh?
- Never mind the $50.
- What's the chance of getting murdered?
But on the other hand...
there is a possibility...
I've heard there's honesty amongst thieves.
Sure. Hey, you wanna take a gamble?
All right, we'll take a gamble with it.
I didn't like the spark in that guy's eye.
That looked fishy to me, boy.
- Me, too. I ain't going fishing today.
- No, sir.
There's something terribly wrong here.
And I'm not going to take any chances.
You know what we could do, though?
Hey, $100 apiece. Wait a minute.
One of those guys looked weak. Let's split
the dough with him. What do you say?
Stick here till the money comes in.
Why should we worry about it?
- Maybe they'll hold us for bribery.
- That's over.
- That's another thing, get with it. Come on.
- No bribery for me.
Send you up the river for that,
don't you know that?
- Wait a minute.
- I ain't had a boat ride...
- since I went up to Albany.
- They're gangsters.
They can't squeal, they have to take it.
Sure. You just gotta think of those things.
Why don't you come up with a brainchild
once in a while?
- Cause there's stuff I would've...
- Up the river.
They've all been up the river,
that's the whole trouble.
They've been up the river a dozen times,
possibly. You gotta look at the... But...
That's all, brother.
- There should be a way out of this thing.
- Should be.
I don't know how we can
get out of it, though.
- I'll tell you what we'll do.
- What?
But there's an angle here
we've got to figure out.
We put two and two together, boy.
There's something terribly wrong here.
- Out the door.
- They'll have someone watching the door.
The fire escape. That's it.
- But there's no fire escape.
- No fire escape?
Will you make up your mind!
What's all this noise going on in here?
I see you're ready for bed.
- Go on, lay down.
- Not till I get ready.
- Go lay down.
- I'm ready.
That goes for you, too.
And get this: no noise while I'm here.
You're here?
- Yeah, I'm here.
- Who said you were here?
What do you mean I'm here?
Of course I'm here.
You wouldn't wanna bet on it?
Wanna bet me that I'm...
- Are you crazy?
- I'll bet you, you're not here.
You wanna bet me money?
$10 says you're not here.
- That's a bet, chump.
- Here, you can hold it, too.
$10. You wanna...
- That you're not here.
- All right, go on, prove it.
- You're not in Chicago, are you?
- Why, certainly not.
- You're not in Philadelphia, are you?
- No.
- You're not in St. Louis, are you?
- Of course not.
If you're not in Chicago, you're not in
Philadelphia, and you're not in St. Louis...
you must be someplace else.
- That's right, yeah.
- Am I right?
Well, if you're someplace else
you can't be here.
- No.
- That's all.
- That's a good one.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna pull that on my boss.
He needs a little humor.
That's all right. You know how it is.
- Does the mouse know about this?
- He don't know anything.
- He don't know anything?
- No.
- I'll pull it on him.
- Go ahead.
Hey, you. Get up out of there.
- Get up, come out.
- What'd you get me up for?
I want to bet you $10 that you're not here.
Hey, come on.
- What's the matter with you?
- I wanna make you a bet.
I'll bet you $10 that you're not here.
- You wanna bet me $10?
- Yeah, that's right.
A chance to make some money. Come on.
Put it right here. Here's mine.
There you are.
Are you ready?
I'm going to prove that you're not here.
- You're not in Chicago, are you?
- No, sir, but I got an aunt there.
You're not in Chicago, are you?
And you're not in St. Louis?
- And you're not in Philadelphia?
- No, sir.
You're not in Chicago, St. Louis,
or Philadelphia...
- then you must be someplace else.
- Right.
And if you're someplace else,
you're not here.
- Yes. That's right.
- Give me back my money.
- Who took your money?
- That's my money.
- You did, that's my...
- I took your money?
- That's right.
- Now just a minute, big boy.
Didn't you say that I wasn't in Chicago,
Philadelphia, or St. Louis?
That's right.
If I'm not in Chicago, St. Louis,
or Philadelphia, I must be someplace else.
- If I'm someplace else, I couldn't be here.
- That's right.
If I'm not here,
how could I take your money?
I love pickles and milk.
The mailman! There he is.
Thanks ever so much.
- It should be in here.
- It's gotta be in there.
Here it is, I told you it would get here.
- $50,000 safe and sound.
- Right in the envelope.
- Oh, boy.
- Pretty cute.
- Open for a thrill of a life.
- $50,000 worth of thrills.
- It was my idea.
- Yes, indeed.
I can go along with a gag,
but where's the dough?
Honest...
I put it in that little envelope with my own
two little hands. I put it in there.
Why, I know I did.
Ted, there must be some mistake. Now...
What's the matter, chump?
You look kind of sick.
- Pickles and milk don't agree with me.
- You don't agree with me, either.
Hold him, Chuck. Hold him, too.
Hello, Mr. McBride.
The $50,000?
Well, I was just going to call you on that,
Mr. McBride. You see...
I had a little tough break.
I'll give you 48 hours.
After that, if the money isn't paid...
I will speak to the district attorney.
But you wouldn't do that, Mr. McBride.
I certainly will. Bye.
Let him go, Chuck.
Now look, boys...
I know $50,000 is a lot of dough.
Why don't you just hand it over
and we'll forget the whole thing?
We haven't got your money.
- We're as honest as the day is long.
- That includes daylight-saving.
I want that dough and I want it right now.
Mr. Craig, honest...
all I know is we went into an office...
and they were mailing out
thousands of envelopes...
maybe millions of envelopes.
I put the money in one little envelope
then I put the little envelope...
into a big envelope
and I addressed it to you.
Mailmen are delivering those envelopes
all over town this very minute.
And as far as my money is concerned,
it's goodbye.
Goodbye, Mr. Craig.
- Hilda?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Who was it?
- The postman.
- She's been screaming her head off.
- How have you stood it for two years?
A girl's gotta work.
Such toast.
I'll put them there.
Carol?
Yes, Miss Van Buren?
How many times have I told you never
to bring me these silly advertisements?
Here, throw it away.
Yes, Miss Van Buren.
Bills...
"What every woman wants. "
Carol?
"Open for the thrill of a lifetime. "
Did it take you all morning
to dispose of one little letter?
Miss Van Buren,
are you sure don't want this?
Carol, how many times
do I have to tell you...
I don't want to be bothered
with those advertisements?
- But, this envelope has...
- I don't care what it has.
I don't want it.
- But, Miss Van Buren, please.
- Carol.
Keep it, throw it away,
do anything you want with it.
- Now get my cold towel this instant.
- Yes, Miss Van Buren.
I'll hold on till you find out.
Will you guys keep quiet?
I can't hear a thing!
Thank you very much.
Break it up.
I just checked
with the Plaza Mailing Service.
They tell me they did send out
those face powder samples yesterday.
You boys got a break.
The order was for 25,000,
but so far only 800 have been mailed.
Wait a minute.
If we could get hold of that mailing list,
we could see everybody on it...
and possibly find the one
who's got the money.
Give us a chance to get the money.
We'll get it if it takes us a year.
I have a very impatient client. Mr. McBride.
He says I've gotta pay up in 48 hours.
That gives you boys 36 hours
to get that money or else...
Go get that mailing list.
Wait a minute, come here.
- See this watch?
- It's got a hole in it.
It used to belong to a pal of mine
named Shoebox Jackson.
Now you keep it, pudgy.
If you don't kick in by tomorrow,
there'll be a bullet hole in the middle.
- Then it won't work so well.
- I won't work so well either.
- I don't want it.
- Get going. Midnight tomorrow.
Get your coat.
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Somebody took my coat.
I had a coat when I come in here.
Here's your coat. Pardon us.
Mr. Upson, we only want to borrow them
for 24 hours.
Absolutely not. This is our
deluxe special private mailing list.
And if a rival company got a hold of it,
I'd lose my job.
- He fainted.
- From what?
The heat.
- What'll we do?
- He needs air.
I'll fan him.
Watch out. Give him plenty of air.
See, that brings him right to.
- There you are.
- How do you feel? What was wrong?
I felt like I had teeny-weeny light bulbs
in my head.
- You should have your head x-rayed.
- I did.
- What did they find?
- Little teeny-weeny light bulbs.
I better get him out in the air.
We finally got the list.
Our lives depend on this,
we've got to work fast.
So we'll divide them equally.
You look up your half, I'll look up my half.
There's 20 pages.
That's 30 names to every page.
There's one for me, there's one for you.
There's two for me, there's one, two for you.
There's three for me,
there's one, two, three for you.
There's four for me,
there's one, two, three, four for you.
There's five for me...
there's one, two, three, four, five for you.
Now look them up, kid, get that money.
- Clerk.
- Hey, Ted.
- I don't know.
- Nobody answers over here.
- It's one of those apartment buildings...
- Can I help you?
- What's the matter with you?
- I wanted to help you.
That's perfectly all right.
Help the lady, come on.
You certainly have a lot of things.
- It's only part of it.
- I'm glad I didn't have to pay for them.
- You don't mind if we help you?
- No, thank you.
- There you are.
- Swell. Come on.
Hold that, please.
Thank you.
There they are.
They got a dame working with them.
So that's where they sent the dough.
Nick is going to love this.
- Thank you for helping me.
- It's nothing.
Now could you tell us
where Miss Van Buren's apartment is?
It's the first apartment
right around the corner.
It was nice meeting a rich lady like you.
If we only had all the money you have,
we wouldn't have to worry.
Goodbye.
Hurry up. Come on, this is important.
Here.
- Yes?
- Is Miss Van Buren in?
- Miss Van Buren is not seeing anyone.
- Is she in the living room?
- No. Now, she's indisposed.
- We'll see her in there.
Wait a minute.
Come back here now.
Look, you two, you can't...
You're impudent young men.
Forcing your way into my boudoir.
I beg your pardon,
we don't intend to be rude...
did you receive a sample of a face powder
in the mails?
- "Thrill of a Lifetime. "
- It's an advertisement.
My secretary, Carol Blair,
took care of all such trash.
I never look at advertisements.
Can we see her for a minute?
She's no longer with me.
Where is she? We gotta find her.
She rented an apartment down the hall, 209.
It seems that she inherited some money
and that she...
- What is this? You haven't got...
- We've come for the $50,000.
The $50,000?
I don't know what you're talking about.
The money you got in the mail.
If this is some trick of Miss Van Buren's
to get the money back, I'm not interested.
I offered it twice and she told me
to keep it. That's what I'll do.
Then you did get the money.
The money belongs to Nick Craig.
We were mailing it to him,
but by mistake we mailed it to you.
If we don't have the money by tonight,
he'll kill us.
- Don't give me that, I don't believe you.
- Look out the window.
Look down there.
That's Nick and his boys.
They're following us.
You see this watch here?
You see the bullet hole in it?
Used to belong to Shoebox Jackson.
If we don't get the money by 12:00 tonight,
we'll be in a box with Jackson.
Please give us our money.
I couldn't give all back to you.
I spent some of it.
We won't quibble over a few dollars.
What did you buy?
I got the mink coat, that was $10,000,
the rent's $2,000.
You'll be telling us
you bought an automobile next.
$5,000.
And clothes, $4,000, and a diamond brooch,
that was $12,000.
And a few incidentals for $200 or $300?
- $4,000. I guess that just about covers it.
- Covers it.
- Let's see, that's the sum of...
- I wish we had some of it back.
Well, I've only got about $2,000 left.
I'm awfully sorry.
She's sorry.
- Open up, you guys, this a showdown.
- What'll we do?
- We'll just have to tell them.
- We can't.
If they find out that Miss Blair
has the money...
she'll be worse off than us.
- Wait a minute, I have it. We'll hide her.
- Take your coat.
Step right in there.
Hide all this stuff around here, too.
Get some packages.
Nice place you got here.
Where's my money?
We're still looking for it.
- And where's the girl?
- There's no girl here.
Look, I've had enough of these alibis!
You better come across or I'll let you have it
now instead of midnight.
No, you're not.
You can't blame the boys for something
that was entirely my fault.
- I got the money in the mail and I spent it.
- Now, isn't that just dandy?
We'll do everything we can
to get the money for you.
I'll bring back all the things I bought.
Not today because the stores
are closed on Saturday.
Well, that's too bad. Monday's too late.
I must have that money by midnight.
But you heard what I said, that's impossible.
Why can't you give us more time?
Because I happen to owe that money
to J.C. McBride...
and he happens to be very impatient for it.
His answer to me was no,
so my answer to you is no!
As long as I'm paying for this joint,
I hope you don't mind if I use my phone.
- Where is it?
- There it is, over there.
All you do is dial it,
the little holes over there...
Hello, Mr. McBride? Craig speaking.
Say, I'll have that money
for you right on schedule.
What? Another bet?
Lolly C, Belmont Downs? 30-to-1?
Okay. $1,000 on the nose.
Yes, sir. Thank you, Mr. McBride.
Let's go, boys.
Well, that's it, folks.
You have exactly 10 hours
and 20 minutes left.
- There must be something we can do.
- Yes, but what?
I know. I'll phone Mr. McBride
and pour on the charm.
Maybe I can persuade him
to change his mind.
If she can get McBride to wait,
Nick will wait.
And if she can't,
well, it's been a short and happy life.
Goodbye, pal,
the time allotted to me has expired.
- Where did you get that from?
- I got it off my insurance policy.
Go away.
Hello, I'd like to speak to Mr. McBride.
Well, when do you expect him?
Oh, I see. Thanks.
He's not in. The butler says
that when the races are on...
he never knows when he'll be home.
Unless he loses, and he never loses.
But Craig just spoke to him.
The amount of money that McBride bets,
Craig, no doubt...
- The amount of money he bets.
- What's the matter?
- The races! Well, that's it, of course!
- I don't understand.
But don't you see,
McBride's a man who never loses.
He just bet $1,000 on Lolly C at 30-to-1.
- And we've got $2,000.
- Wait a minute. We're in!
We can pay off Nick
and have plenty left over.
- Get your coat, go get your hat.
- Okay.
Boy, why didn't I think of that?
Why certainly, we'll shoot the works.
- We'll bet on Lolly C at 30-to-1.
- 30-to-1?
- How can we do that? It's already 1:45.
- Come on, please.
- Will one of you drive?
- You take the wheel.
Make it snappy. We've only got
15 minutes before post time.
- Which button starts it?
- Oh, that one there.
- What did he do?
- Pushed the wrong button.
Come on, please.
Come on, hurry up.
- What did you do now?
- I didn't do nothing.
Tommy, will you stop playing?
- Get in here and drive.
- Hurry up, Tommy.
Somebody's doing something, yeah?
Now leave that alone. Come on, get in there.
All right.
What did you do now?
- Sit down.
- Oh, no.
- Sit down, get down in there.
- I can't.
- See if there's anybody behind us.
- Everything is clear, let's get out of here.
What's the idea of bumping into me?
Can't you see where you're going?
- Are you blind?
- I hit you, didn't I?
- Oh, a fresh guy.
- You...
See you later.
Hello, Craig? This is McBride speaking.
I want to change my bet
from Lolly C to Lucky George.
That's right, Lucky George. Am I on? Okay.
- Don't you want to use a chair?
- Sit down there.
Well, here we go.
$2,000. There you are, put her down.
- What are you doing?
- Putting it down.
Not on the floor, put it down on the horse.
- Put it down on the horse?
- Certainly.
- What?
- I don't think there's a horse in the place.
- Oh stop. Waiter?
- Yes, sir.
- Can you take a bet?
- Yes, sir.
- Place your bet with the waiter.
- Give him the bet?
We want to bet a lot of money
on a horse called Lolly C.
Here's $500, put it on the nose.
Another $500, put it on the tail.
- Another $1,000. Put it under the saddle.
- What's that for?
- In case the horse comes in sideways.
- Wait a minute.
Take that $2,000
and put it right on the nose of Lolly C.
- Right on the nose.
- Yes, sir.
How do you like that?
Betting Nick's dough on a horse.
Yeah, and not even betting with Nick.
- Here's your receipt, sir.
- Thanks.
- And here's today's racing information.
- Fine.
- There you are, honey.
- Thank you.
Now let's see what we're gonna do.
- What's Lolly C on the line?
- Lolly C, let's see.
Lolly C, 30-to-1 on the line.
Wait a minute,
you better go up and get the rundown.
Thirty-to-one. That will get us even.
- Go up and get the what?
- The rundown.
- Couldn't I walk?
- Yes, certainly. Go ahead.
Lolly C.
- Where can I get a rubdown?
- You don't need a rubdown.
- I got something that'll make you well.
- What?
Tony's tips.
Eight winners in eight races yesterday.
How come?
They're pretty cheap,
50 cents for today's tips...
and $1 for yesterday's.
How come yesterday's cost more
than today's?
Well, they all won, didn't they?
I never gave that a thought.
Give me yesterday's.
Thanks a lot.
I got nothing but winners here.
I think I'll play the third horse...
Yesterday's.
Yesterday's.
- Wanna buy a dope sheet?
- No, thanks, we don't.
Excuse me, wanna buy a dope sheet?
Eight straight winners.
- Nope.
- All good ones.
- $1.
- No.
50 cents? 25 cents? Nickel?
- Play you a game of pool for it.
- You will? Okay.
Here's the sheet.
- How about a little side bet?
- Okay.
Say $1,000.
Who would like to buy a dope sheet?
Eight winners for $1.
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
Gracious me, isn't a $1,000 bet big enough?
- It isn't that, but I haven't got the money.
- That's all right.
You can give me your IOU.
You would take my IOU?
Now, don't get insulted.
I realize you're not the type of man...
who would give his IOU
to a perfect stranger.
So permit me to introduce myself.
Julius Caesar.
- Who would like to buy a dope sheet for $1?
- Now listen, just a minute, please.
Now I realize why you would take my IOU.
Allow me to introduce myself to you.
I am Brutus.
Fellows, Romans, and countrymen...
who would like to buy a dope sheet?
Eight winners for $1.
Come here. But I really am Julius Caesar.
- The second.
- There's two of you running around loose?
- Shall we play?
- Let's.
- Let's see who'll shoot first.
- All right.
See? I never lose.
- But you can shoot first.
- Oh, thank you.
I'm afraid you used too much English.
Attaboy. Permit me.
There you are.
- This is a rougher game than football.
- Yeah, if you wish.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome. You gotta call your shot.
- Thirteen in the corner pocket.
- I'm gonna watch.
Some shot!
Look, come here.
Honestly, these tips are no good.
I can give you a sure winner
on the next race.
- I got the winner on the next race, Lolly C.
- I tell you I never lose.
The guy's tip that we'll play never loses.
Lolly C.
You should bet on Lucky George.
I changed my bet
from Lolly C to Lucky George...
- because Lolly C is off her feed.
- She's off her feed?
- What does she eat?
- Her fodder.
Mr. Caesar?
- She eats her fodder?
- Yes.
- Well, what does her mother eat?
- She eats her fodder.
Just a minute. Look, Mr. Caesar.
Suppose a little old horse is born,
where's his papa?
In the pasture.
- Now does the little horse eat the papa?
- Oh, of course not.
His papa is in the pasture,
and his fodder is in the barn.
No more of the game now. Just a minute.
- Don't make silly of me or something.
- No. What's the matter?
- Mr. Caesar.
- Yes?
The little horse's papa, isn't that his father?
Well, how can that be?
The papa never saw the little horse's fodder.
- Never come home nights?
- This is no laughing matter.
There's another reason
why Lucky George will win.
Lucky George is a mudder.
How can a he be a mother?
Ain't a she always a mother?
Sometimes a he
is a better mudder than a she.
- How can you tell?
- By their feet.
Going someplace?
I'd like to speak to Mr. J.C. McBride.
Good afternoon, everyone,
this is Oscar Otis...
- Still not home.
- I guess it all depends on Lolly C.
Ted, Carol, I want you to meet
Mr. Julius Caesar.
He says that Lolly C can't win.
She just got through eating her old man.
Lucky George is gonna win
because he just had a baby. And then...
I merely suggested that he change his bet
to Lucky George because...
We don't want any of your phony tips.
I've met guys like you before.
- He's a racetrack trout?
- Yeah, quiet.
Listen, I've got a surefire thing
from a surefire bettor, so beat it.
Well, I'm awfully sorry,
but I assure you I'm a respectable citizen.
- Here's my card.
- Yeah, all right, go ahead.
They're off and running.
Menu is going to the front,
Flying Rhythm is second. Lolly C is third.
Cable Car fourth, and Lucky George.
It's Menu in front...
- Lucky George!
- Come on, Lolly C!
- Come on, Lucky George!
- Come on, Lucky Lolly.
And Lolly C racing strongly on the outside.
At the half, it's Menu still in front.
- Lucky George!
- Lolly C.
- Lucky George!
- Lucky George! Lucky Lolly!
- Lolly George!
- Lucky George!
- Lolly C!
- Lucky George!
Lolly C is second on the inside by a half.
Cable Car on the outside by a head,
and Lucky George.
Into the stretch,
it's Lolly C in front by a length...
Menu is second by a head,
and Lucky George.
It's Lolly C and Lucky George.
It's Lucky George and Lolly C...
as they come down to the line of finish...
it's Lucky George winning it
with Lolly C second, and Menu is third.
I'm awfully sorry,
but I wanted you to play Lucky George.
I know.
- I guess we owe you an apology.
- Well, that's all right.
- Can I give you a tip on the eighth race?
- We haven't got any money.
- I'll lend you some.
- No, thank you.
We owe a lot of money now.
If the man we owed the money to
and the man he owed the money to...
were as nice as you,
well, I guess everything would be all right.
I'm going to try the phone again.
A man can't stay away
from home all the time.
I do.
Tommy, there's very little time left...
and no possible chance of us
raising that money.
We've got to get Carol
out of this mess somehow.
Wait a minute.
Mr. Caesar, do me a favor, please.
Take care of Carol.
I got business to attend to.
- Glad to.
- You would?
Get up, Ted. Sit down, Mr. Caesar.
She'll be right back.
- Take it easy, what will you do?
- I'll ask Nick to leave her out of this.
- Suppose he don't?
- He's got to.
I don't care what he does to me, but yea...
he shall never disdain the lady's honor.
That was cute, wasn't it?
Get the telephone book
and look up the number.
Nicholas Craig, Nicholas...
- I got it.
- All right.
Call him up.
I'm going outside and get some air.
Hello. I wanna speak
to Nicholas Craig, please.
Where can I reach him?
Garfield 90042? Thank you.
To Garfield...
Nobody's gonna harm that Carol.
- Nobody at all.
- Hello.
- Is Nicholas Craig there?
- Nicholas Craig?
- Hold the line, please.
- Okay.
- You're wanted on the phone, Mr. Craig.
- Okay.
I suppose it's McBride again.
I'd like to meet that guy face-to-face
so I know who I'm dealing with.
- First booth, Mr. Craig.
- Okay.
- Hello, McBride.
- McBride ain't here.
- I'm not calling Mr. McBride.
- What did you ask for him for?
I'm not asking for him,
I don't even want to see him.
- Does he want to see you?
- Oh, yeah.
- Then call him up.
- I did call him up.
That's all I've done for 24 hours is yell:
"Hello, McBride. " "How are you, McBride?"
"Yes, McBride. "
McBride. He ain't here.
- I know he's not there.
- Well, what are you yelling for?
- I mean, after all...
- I'm not yelling.
A waiter came to me and said,
"Phone, Mr. Craig. "
- Mr. Craig ain't here either.
- I'm not calling Mr. Craig.
- Nick Craig is on the telephone!
- Well, wait till he gets off, then talk to him.
Look, I'm Nick Craig. Nicholas Craig!
- Oh, Mr. Craig. How are you?
- Yeah.
I've been trying to get you but some dope
keeps butting in wanting to talk to McBride.
This is little Tommy,
the fellow you said "12:00 or else"?
Why, you... If I had you here
I wouldn't wait till 12:00.
Listen, you. I don't care what you do to me,
but leave Carol out of this.
- You're telling me to lay off the dame?
- Don't call her a dame!
I'll call her anything I want to call...
- Over my dead body!
- I'll do that, too!
Listen, I don't care what you do to me,
but leave Miss Carol out of this.
Why should I? She's in on the deal.
The three of you blew in the dough
I owe Mr. McBride!
- McBride?
- Yes. McBride!
- He's not here!
- I know he's not there!
Now listen, don't you yell at me!
- I'm not scared of you! I'll fight you!
- And I'll fight you!
We better call it a draw.
Right after I talk to you on the phone...
I'd like to meet you in the alley
over by the Television Club.
- It's okay by me.
- In five minutes I'll meet you there.
- Don't have any tough guys to help you.
- I'll be there all by myself!
You're darn tooting.
Because I ain't gonna be there!
Wait till I get a hold of that fat...
Let him go.
- Where's the dame?
- She's at that table.
Well, keep an eye her.
Wherever she is,
the monkeys will be close by.
And at 12:00 I'm gonna finish this deal.
And it won't be over the telephone.
He's mad.
So, Tommy.
The only thing for us to do is to get out
of town when they're not watching us.
I'm not gonna leave Carol all alone.
- Caesar will take care of her.
- Who's gonna watch Caesar?
The guy in a white coat's coming for him,
and I don't mean the Good Humor Man.
Never cross in the middle of a street.
- Want to get arrested?
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
- Oh, no.
- I don't want to get arrested.
- We've gotta figure a way to go to jail.
Then we'll be safe from Nick and the gang.
- How are we gonna get arrested?
- I know what we'll do.
- You insult a woman.
- I can't do that. I respect women.
- Do you wanna continue respecting women?
- Of course.
Then we better figure a way on getting
to jail. That's it, you insult a woman.
We'll pick the first woman that comes along.
Come here.
Do this right, you understand?
Here's your chance. Go ahead.
- Hiya, toots.
- Toots?
Don't you dare call me toots.
I quit the mob 10 years ago.
I'm trying to go straight.
If you guys don't let me alone...
I'll get One-Eyed Pitsie after you.
You know what that means.
Now get going, take a powder.
- What happened?
- She's one of the boys.
Well, never mind. We'll try something else.
I have it, you'll steal something.
- We'll surely get arrested.
- Yeah, absolutely. Wait a minute.
See that man coming out of that restaurant?
With the coat under his arm?
Steal that coat, go ahead.
- Give me that coat.
- I didn't mean to steal it, mister.
I didn't know it was your coat.
Don't call the cops.
- I got a wife and kids to support.
- Here you are.
Thanks, mister.
Theodore.
Your way of getting arrested is no good.
I'm gonna show you how to get arrested.
Stand here. I'll show you what I mean.
You're in the way. Stand over here. Please.
"5890." You're gonna be a sergeant soon.
- You're under arrest.
- What about me?
And you, too!
- Who broke that glass?
- I did.
- I got them.
- I want them. I want to congratulate you.
You proved to me that that glass
wasn't shatterproof.
You should arrest this man for false
representation. He sold me that glass.
Come on.
Come on in the store
and pick out any watch you want.
I got a watch right here
I'd like to give to you.
Twenty thousand laws in this city,
we can't find one to break.
Now don't get excited. I'll get you out
of this mess and get you in jail.
I have it, and this one won't miss.
I'll call up The Copper Club.
That place is too expensive.
- You got to have your dinners financed.
- That's it.
We'll order, say 12 tables.
We go down there and eat plenty,
run up a big bill.
- No money to pay for it.
- What happens?
- We're gonna wind up in jail.
- That's just it.
We play our cards right,
we'll wind up with five years.
Swell. Now you call Carol...
and I'll take care of The Copper Club.
Come on.
Here we are all together again.
How are you? Brutus!
Julius Caesar, a Roman and a Globian.
The feedbag awaits.
- Just a minute. Feedbag?
- Yes.
You see, in racetrack parlance, that's
a receptacle that holds the horse's fodder.
Just a minute, Mr. Caesar.
No more talk about the horse's mother
or the horse's father.
I'm afraid you misunderstand me.
When I say mudder...
I'm referring to a horse
that runs in the mud, not mother.
- By the way, how is your mater and pater?
- My mater and pater?
They went to the theater
with my "brater" and "sater. "
- Shall we go?
- I think we better.
You will find that the main...
Trap door?
Oh, I say, it's much nicer inside.
They have tables. Shall I help you?
Come on up.
- That's better, there we are.
- Shall we go? Let's go.
Mr. Caesar, the tables are on this side.
Come on, they're waiting for us.
Take it easy now.
Don't mind my inviting Caesar.
He always talking about big money...
- so I thought we'd let him pay the check.
- No.
If he pays the check, we're sunk.
Mr. Caesar, do you mind showing Carol
the aquarium bar?
Why, I'd love to.
The biggest bet I ever won
was on the size of a fish.
- May I take your hat?
- Thank you.
- What's the idea?
- He may pay the bill. Then we are in a mess.
- He's liable to stop us from going to jail?
- Certainly.
Who do you think you are
to stop us from going to jail?
I mean I didn't have time to go through Yale.
Carol, you run along with Mr. Caesar.
As soon as the food is served I'll call you.
Come along, dear. I want to tell you
how I caught my fish and had it mounted.
A mounted fish.
What whoppers that guy tells!
Did you ever see a mounted fish?
You ever see a fish on a horse?
Go paddle your own canoe.
We're in enough trouble as it is.
Quiet. You have a reservation
for Ted Higgins and party?
Yes, sir. The best tables.
It's all ready. This way, please.
- Excuse me. I'm sorry.
- You always have to be the... Sit down.
- Here you are, gentlemen.
- Thank you.
- Serve the food.
- But your guests haven't arrived.
- They'll be a little late. Serve the food.
- The food will be cold.
When it gets cold bring it back
in the kitchen and get more food.
- Just put it on the bill, that's all.
- Very well, sir.
There they are.
Hey, look at that big table they got.
They must be gonna throw a party.
Yeah, and in a joint like this,
that costs plenty.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
Thank you.
- You picked a nice place to run up a big bill.
- High class.
- Oh, very.
- Wonderful, boy. Well, eat up.
- Eat plenty, it's our last meal.
- Okay.
- This is really a gorgeous place and...
- Wonderful.
Look at that wall over there.
Isn't that a beautiful wall?
You know what that wall reminds me of?
This one here.
Stop, walls are walls.
Suppose you bore a hole in that wall?
- I walk over and bore a hole in the wall.
- Why would you do that?
- I'm not boring a hole in the wall.
- Why should you?
You said, "Suppose you walk over
and bore a hole in the wall. "
I was dopey enough to say
I would go and do it.
- Don't blame me.
- Makes no difference.
- I don't bore holes in walls.
- That's what I wanna know.
- I don't have to get out through a hole.
- You see that.
- They got exits here if I wanna...
- Exit?
- E-X-I-T out.
- What makes you so dumb?
- It just comes to me naturally.
- Sure.
You walk into a baseball field.
What teams are playing?
- I don't know.
- Then what are you doing there?
I don't know.
You got me in, now get me out.
What is the first thing you buy
in a baseball field?
A hot dog. Without mustard.
- Mustard goes with a hot dog.
- Not with mine.
- Mustard was made for the hot dog.
- I don't like mustard.
- They go together.
- Let them. I don't wanna spoil any romance.
Do you know they spend millions of dollars
to put up factories to manufacture mustard?
Do you know those factories employ
thousands of men?
Just to manufacture mustard?
And those men take care
of thousands of families and homes?
All on account of mustard! And you.
Just because you don't like mustard...
What do you want them to do? Close those
factories and put them out of work?
You're telling me 'cause I don't eat mustard,
I'll close down a mustard factory?
You're telling me all those people are
making one little jar of mustard just for me?
Tell them not to make any more
'cause I'm not gonna eat it.
All right. So you don't like it.
- I like Worcestershire shauce.
- What?
You can't even shay it.
But I don't go for mustard.
- No, I don't like it. I like this.
- You don't know why you dislike it?
I'm not gonna put nobody out of work.
I told you before.
- All right, forget about it.
- Okay.
Sit here like a big dummy.
I don't know why I hang around with you.
- You can't answer a question...
- You said I was putting people out of work.
- That's what you are doing.
- I'm not.
Men, husbands walking the streets,
doing nothing.
- I'm not putting husbands out of work.
- You don't know what a husband is.
A husband is what's left of a sweetheart
after the nerve is killed.
Now listen, no remarks out of you.
I ask you simple little questions,
and you say nothing at all.
- Ask me an easy question. A tiny one.
- Will you answer it?
Suppose you had $5 in one pants pocket
and $10 in the other, what would you have?
- Somebody else's pants on.
- You won't answer the question.
I ain't got any money. Why are you asking
me those kind of questions?
Quiet.
- Look here. Say you're 40 years old.
- Who's 40?
- Just say, pretend...
- I'm a boy.
- All right, pretend you're...
- I'm a boy.
- I'm not 40.
- Pretend you're 40 years old.
And you're in love with a little girl,
say, 10 years old.
- This one's gonna be a pip.
- Wait a minute till I finish it.
Now I'm going around
with a 10-year-old girl.
- I got a good idea where I'm gonna wind up.
- Wait a minute.
Now you're 40, she's 10.
You're four times as old as that girl.
You couldn't marry her, could you?
- Not unless I come from the mountains.
- Never mind.
- I'm asking a simple question. Answer it.
- Go ahead.
You're 40, she's 10.
You're four times as old as her.
- You can't marry her so you wait five years.
- I wait.
Now you're 45. The little girl is 15.
Now you're only three times
as old as that little girl, right?
So you wait 15 years more.
Now the little girl is 30, you're 60.
Now you're only twice as old
as that little girl.
- She's catching up.
- Yes. Now here's the question.
How long do you have to wait before
you and the little girl are the same age?
Now go ahead.
There's a very simple question. Think hard.
- The whole thing is ridiculous.
- What's ridiculous?
If I keep waiting for her she'll pass me up.
She'll be older than I am.
- What?
- She'll have to wait for me.
- Why should she wait for you?
- I was nice enough to wait for her.
- Stop.
- Who does she think she is anyway?
- She doesn't wait for me, I don't marry her.
- Marry her?
- If she's a nice girl...
- Wait. Do you know her?
Why should you marry a girl
you don't even know?
I asked you to ask me a simple one, didn't I?
All right. Now take it easy.
We're going to jail fast enough,
don't get excited.
Ask me a simple one.
- Every time I talk...
- Ask me that question slow again.
- I get headaches when I talk to you.
- Take an aspirin.
- You're telling me to take aspirin.
- It's good for a headache.
Have you a license to practice medicine?
Doctors all over the world,
they study, they spend their lives...
they go to college to become doctors!
And you tell me to take an aspirin.
When one friend has a headache,
another tells him to take an aspirin. Simple.
- You have no business.
- Don't take the aspirin.
So I should go around with a headache?
There's a fine pal.
- Then take a Bromo Seltzer.
- Never mind, I'll take what I want!
Say you're in the Grand Central Station,
New York City.
Right? Will you stop that, please?
Put it down.
You're in the Grand Central Station.
You buy a ticket.
- Where are you going?
- Nowhere.
- Why did you buy a ticket?
- I didn't.
- Then what are you doing in the depot?
- Same as the baseball game.
Now you got me in a depot.
- What am I doing in a depot?
- Why are you blaming me for these things?
- Did you know where you were going?
- I don't know. You put me in the station.
Don't blame everything on me!
Now that I'm there,
I'll have to find someplace to go.
- Find someplace to go.
- I'll go bye-bye.
Where is bye-bye?
- Over that way someplace.
- What's over there?
- Bye-bye.
- Oh, stop. Will you please talk sense?
I'll go to Baltimore.
I don't wanna go, but I'll go.
- That'll settle it.
- Why did you have to pick out Baltimore?
Of all the towns in the U.S.,
why did you have to pick out Baltimore?
- What's the matter with Philadelphia?
- I got friends in Baltimore.
- Suppose you had friends in Philadelphia?
- Then I'd go to Philadelphia.
- What about your friends in Baltimore?
- I'm not talking to them anymore!
If you were married
and your wife was in Philadelphia.
- Then I'd go to Chicago.
- Go ahead, eat your shrimp.
- Get it over with.
- Don't push it into my mouth.
After all, you ain't paying for this.
- I'm splitting half of this.
- Come on.
Hey, wait a minute. Just a minute.
We've got 15 minutes before the deadline.
Not that. Get the waiter.
Get the check. Waiter!
If you would be patient, please,
your food is on its way.
Never mind the food.
We don't want the food, just the check.
- Even though we ain't gonna pay for it.
- In that case I better call the manager.
You want to see me?
What seems to be the trouble?
- The gentlemen want the check.
- Give it to them.
The check is $498.61, gentlemen.
- You forgot the tax.
- That's right. Thank you.
That's an additional $14.94.
I have a very funny question to ask you.
- What do you do to people who can't pay?
- We put them in jail.
- Service for two, please.
- You mean that you...
- Come, my good man, the patrol wagon.
- Make sure we get a seat.
- The last time we had to stand up.
- Come with me, please.
Be delighted. Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.
- Tommy, I think it's going to work.
- There's only one thing wrong.
- What?
- I'm scared about Carol.
- Don't worry.
- Caesar will take care of her.
- Gentlemen, I hate to do this.
It's your duty! You've got to.
That's no way to treat your customers
who don't pay.
You've gotta send us to jail,
and we gotta go right away.
Here's the phone. Call the police right away.
Take them...
- What seems to be the trouble, Johnny?
- A matter of $498. A check they won't pay.
- You mail it to me, I'll take care of it.
- Sure, Nick, thank you.
Nice try, but we had a date at 12:00,
and I never miss an appointment.
Where's the dame?
- Don't you call that girl anything...
- Where is the dame?
She's not here.
That's right.
They were alone when we saw them.
We want her in our little party.
If a young lady asks for these gentlemen...
tell her they accompanied Mr. Craig
to the State Sand and Gravel Company.
Sure, Nick.
Come on, little fish.
I won!
Now let me see, your fish won five times.
My fish won five times. That's a tie.
But I still owe you $50,000
from matching pennies.
- Look, I'll bet...
- I'll bet, I'll bet this, I'll bet that.
I'm getting tired of your silly bets.
Why do you insist upon making bets
when you can't pay them?
But I can. Here's the $50,000 I owe you.
Well I, I didn't think...
You didn't think
that my check would be good.
That's why you wanted cash.
No, I thought we were just betting for fun.
Fun? Oh, my dear girl,
J.C. McBride never bets for fun.
McBride? J.C. McBride?
Of course. Julius Caesar McBride.
But we've been phoning you all day,
and you've been with us all the time.
Come on, Caesar, wait till the boys
find out that you're McBride.
- Why, you're manna from heaven.
- No, McBride from Boston.
- Well, where are they?
- I can't see them. Ask the manager.
Oh, okay.
Those two gentlemen, Mr. Higgins
and Mr. Hinchcliffe, where are they?
Mr. Nick Craig had an appointment
with them.
They are at the
State Sand and Gravel Company.
- That's on Jersey Street.
- Jersey Street?
- I'll bet you $1,000 it's Jersey Avenue.
- Caesar, we have a date with Mr. Craig.
Oh, my hat. My hat, please. Thank you.
Oh, there it is.
- Oh, thanks. Here you are, thank you.
- You drive.
I'll drive. All right. Hold the door.
Gracious me,
I must have pressed the wrong button.
- Hurry up.
- Yes.
That's odd.
And there's no use asking for the dough
because I know you and the gal blew it in.
And as the old saying goes,
"It's no use crying over spilled milk. "
- Thank you, Mr. Craig.
- But this wasn't milk. It was money.
If I was a tough guy
like you see in the movies...
the first thing I would do would be this.
But I'm not in the movies so I can't do that.
But I'm the type of a guy
that will take a shot at you.
$50,000 is a lot of dough,
and you're the first guys who chiseled me.
I'd like to have something
to remember you by.
- Take them over there.
- I'm a young boy.
I never did anything in my life.
- What is this?
- What are you going to do, Mr. Craig?
I just want your footprints in the cement.
Who'll see our footprints
in the bottom of a barrel?
The little fishes.
Get that thing started.
Stay where you are, now!
Another move out of you,
and I'll let you have it.
- Ted, Tommy, I've got it.
- You've got it?
The money.
- Where'd you get it?
- I got it from Mr. McBride.
This is Mr. McBride.
- McBride.
- We been trying to...
- Why didn't you tell us?
- You didn't ask me.
- If you're Mr. McBride, prove it.
- Well, why should I?
Because I don't believe it.
What did you say to me
on the phone yesterday?
I told you I'd give you 48 hours
to dig up the money...
- otherwise I'd see the district attorney.
- That's right.
- But you being with them. I don't get it.
- Oh, yes, you do.
Here you are, your $50,000.
And here's your $50,000, Mr. McBride.
That makes us even.
Mr. McBride,
didn't you have a bet on Lucky George?
Oh, that's right, paid $22.
That's $10,000 more you owe me.
But I'm short, can you give me
until Monday morning?
- Brutus, what do you say?
- Julius, I'll handle this.
Mr. Craig, you see this watch?
Excuse me, you see this watch?
The one with the hole in it?
That used to belong to Shoebox Jackson.
That's the fellow I near met.
Now I'm gonna give you 48 hours
to get the money or else...
Or else what?
I'll have to give you a week longer
or something like that.
That's very nice of you boys.
Now we're all friends again.
Wait a minute, not so fast.
You owe us $100 apiece
for getting you back the money.
- You heard me tell you I was short of cash.
- It's no use crying over spilled milk.
It's the nickel back on the bottle
that I care about.
I would like to have your footprints.
They're not exactly your footprints
but they'll do.
Oh, Tommy, you're wonderful.