The Pink Panther Strikes Again (1976) Movie Script
Good morning, Doctor.
Good morning, Charles.
You're looking splendid.
I feel splendid.
Every day, and in every way,
you're feeling..
Better and better.
- Indeed.
- Well, won't you sit here?
Wouldn't you like me to..
Not unless you want to.
No. I'll be quite comfortable here.
Thank you.
Doctor, I'm surprised.
Oh, of course. You quit.
Three months ago.
You know, there was a time
when your forgetfulness...
would have made me feel
very rejected.
- Not now, hmm?
- Well, a little rejected, perhaps.
- Did you do it intentionally?
- Why should I do that?
Well...
I'm a patient you consider
to be completely rehabilitated...
on your recommendation soon to appear
before the sanity board...
your reputation on the line.
A little test, perhaps, hmm?
Not very long ago,
an obvious trick like that...
would have sent you
into a towering rage.
And poor old Clouseau
would have silently...
and passively submitted
to another massacre.
It's a miracle you were somehow able
to keep putting him back together again.
Poor old Clouseau.
There was a time
when I couldn't even speak his name.
And there was also a time
when you would joyfully have killed him.
Yes.
I was a sick man, wasn't l?
We've come a long way, haven't we?
And you're not even a little bit
bothered when you think of Clouseau?
Not even a little bit.
- Do you believe me?
- If you say so.
Well, I could be lying.
You are a good psychiatrist,
but I may be a better liar.
For your sake, I hope you're not.
Sooner or later,
you'd run into Clouseau...
and then back here for life.
No more chance
of another hearing.
Coming here day after day, watching you
chain smoke into an early grave...
and knowing on certain mornings, you'll
be particularly morose and testy...
because you've had another fight
with your wife...
Iike this morning.
- How do you know that?
- It's the only time you doodle.
I keep forgetting you used to be
chief inspector of the Surete.
And will be again.
But Clouseau
is chief inspector now.
Till the better man comes along.
Well, in that case...
I think lnspector Clouseau had better
start looking to his laurels.
What? You mean...
The board meets at 2:00
this afternoon.
This afternoon?
If everything goes as I expect it to,
you'll be out of here this afternoon.
- Thank you.
- See you at 2:00.
Clouseau!
Now, now, Doctor.
Some people would consider
your methods most unorthodox.
I was just making sure that you're not
a better liar than I am a psychiatrist.
2:00.
Come along. Good.
How.
Help!
Grab hold of this.
Pull. Pull on this.
Help!
Out with the bad air,
in with the good.
Out, in.
- Don't look, Fiona!
- Out, out.
And now the kiss of life.
Pervert!
Dirty old men!
Please, there is no need
to thank me.
- Thank you?
- For saving your life.
Someone...
I was hit on the head.
Yes, you have received a bump
upon the head.
- "Beump"?
- What?
- You said "beump."
- Yes, I know that.
It is a large bump.
You could receive a concussion
from such a bump.
- Allow me to assist you.
- No!
I'm all right. I'm fine.
Never better.
Just a little shaky.
Probably the shock of...
I mean, the surprise
of seeing you here again today.
Well, I received a report...
from the sanity commission...
that they were going
to review your case today...
so I thought a few words from me
on your behalf...
Oh, God...
I mean, how generous of you, but...
Well, I'm not without influence,
you know.
Yes, I know that.
Yes, I have become
a rather important official...
in the department.
I've heard you are the new
chief inspector.
Yes.
Yes, we made quite a few changes
since you went crazy.
For the better, I'm sure.
By the way, Sergeant Chevalier
sends you his kind regards.
Oh, Sergeant Chevalier.
Good old Sergeant Chevalier.
How is he, anyway?
Well, you know, there are leaders
and there are followers...
and I'm afraid Sergeant Chevalier
will always be a follower, no?
Oh, yes.
And you, my friend Clouseau...
a leader, huh?
Always a leader?
Onwards and upwards to the top, hmm?
- It is my karma.
- What?
- My destiny.
- Oh, yes.
Yes, a few more years
on the force...
and I might even be persuaded
to run for the public office.
You can count on my vote.
And you, my friend,
can count on me...
to do everything in my power
to get you out of this place.
Oh, yes. I know how you feel.
My hat. Well...
Are you all right,
former Chief lnspector?
Yes!
Yes, I'm perfectly all right.
See?
One moment,
and I will have you extracted.
I'm fine. I am perfect.
Every day, and in every way...
I'm getting better and better.
Somewhere over the rainbow
I'm afraid that this
is just not your day, my friend.
But it is my day.
It is, my friend.
After three long terrible years...
it is at last my day.
I will not permit...
repeat... not permit anything...
repeat...
anything to spoil it.
Now, I will walk you to the gate...
and I will kiss you good-bye...
and you will drive off
in your new car...
which should rightfully be mine...
and then I will have my interview
with the sanity commission.
And they will set me free,
and then...
I will kill you.
- Kill you!
- Francois!
Start the car!
Kill!
I'll kill him!
I want to kill him!
I've got to kill him.
Oh, allow me.
Cato?
Forty winks.
It's the phone.
The phone is ringing.
Relax. I'll get it.
This is Chief lnspector Clouseau's
residence.
This is Chief lnspector Clouseau...
speaking on the phone.
What? Oh, put him on.
Good evening, Commissioner.
How are you? How is Madame
and all the little commissioners?
I see.
Well, you can rest assured...
that I shall take every precaution
that is necessary.
Thank you, Commissioner,
and good evening.
I have just received word
that former Chief lnspector Dreyfus...
has escaped from the insane asylum.
For some reason,
the deputy commissioner...
thinks that he might try
to kill me.
Obviously, the poor man is crazier
than anyone gives him credit for.
Nevertheless, I am ordered
to take every precaution.
See that the back and front doors
are locked...
while I slip into
my new hunchback disguise.
Both doors are locked now.
Who are you?
What have you done
with lnspector Clouseau?
Chief lnspector Clouseau.
Fooled you, didn't l?
Oh, Chief lnspector,
that is fantastic.
If you think this is fantastic...
wait till you see the full effect
with the hump.
The bells!
They deafen me!
Chief lnspector Clouseau?
Yes, this is
Chief lnspector Clouseau.
Who is speaking?
My name is Duval.
Claude Duval.
I have the honor to be chairman...
of the Jacques Clouseau
presentation committee.
The presentation committee?
For me?
For what purpose, may I ask?
For what purpose, you ask.
How modest of you.
The purpose, monsieur,
is to honor...
one of the city's most dedicated...
brave and selfless public servants.
You are most generous, monsieur.
Most.
Yes, I must admit I have often wondered,
considering my years on the force...
and my numerous accomplishments, why
recognition was not forthcoming earlier.
Absolutely right.
Nine years faithful service
at the Surete...
and not as much as a single decoration
in all that time.
Yes, that is quite correct.
However,
as you are no doubt aware...
I have recently received
an important promotion.
Really?
I have replaced the lunatic Dreyfus
as chief inspector.
I know, and I'm sure Paris sleeps
the more safely because of the change.
You're very most kind.
But I can assure you when it comes
to matters of keeping the peace...
I'm always on my toes.
Chief lnspector.
One moment, please.
Can't you see
that I'm on the phone?
Oh, yes, Commissioner.
Fortunately, there was sufficient air
still left in my hump...
to keep me afloat
until the rescue.
Yes. Well, thank you very much,
Commissioner. Good-bye.
That was the commissioner.
He was most concerned.
Well, you have been
very, very lucky, you know.
Yes, I know. Poor Cato
will be in the hospital for weeks.
Do you know what kind
of a bomb it was?
The exploding kind.
Mark my words, Francois.
Sinister forces are at work.
And this mad bomber
must be apprehended at all costs.
Make sure you issue
an all-points bulletin immediately.
- Yes, sir.
- What about my clothes?
Oh, Sergeant Chauvin
is rounding some up for you.
While you're waiting,
perhaps you'll sign the order...
to transport Jean Tournier
to prison.
Tournier the bank robber?
I shall be happy to sign that order.
Ah, it's life for you
this time, Tournier.
At last, we are rid of you.
I have to go to the toilet.
All right.
Thank you.
All right, Tournier.
That's long enough.
Now this is my plan.
Step number one:
I will recruit the world's greatest
criminal minds. Step number two:
I will build an organization
so sinister, so powerful...
by comparison, the Cosa Nostra
will seem like the Vienna Boys Choir.
- Here is the list.
- But half of these men are in prison.
- We'll get them out.
- Impossible.
I'll bet you 20 million francs
it isn't.
- Where would I get 20 million francs?
- I thought you'd ask that.
Step number three: Next Thursday
at precisely 2:00 p.m...
you and six men will enter the main
branch of the Paris credit bank.
This afternoon, at approximately
five minutes to 5:00...
three men dressed in building
maintenance uniforms...
entered and robbed
the Paris credit bank.
The leader has been identified
as Jean Tournier.
How much did they get?
Millions. Here's the report.
All right. That will be all,
Francois. Thank you.
Twenty million francs.
And now, the next step.
Hugo Fassbender and his daughter
have been kidnapped.
- Professor Fassbender?
- Yes. Paris has a theory.
They're sending over their top man...
a Chief lnspector Clouseau.
He just sent this telegram. "Arrived
Gatwick Airport, B.R. 121, 12:38 p.m."
Yes? Who are you?
- Jarvis, sir.
- And what is it you do?
- I am the butler.
- Ah, the butler. Yes, yes.
Can you tell me where you were
on the night of the kidnapping?
- Asleep in my room, sir.
- Asleep in your room.
- Can you prove that?
- No.
Make a note of that,
Sergeant Yard.
Tell the staff to assemble
in the drawing room.
I will interview them
in a few moments.
Yes, sir.
- What was your name again?
- Jarvis.
Jarvis, that's right. Perhaps you'll be
kind enough to show me around the house.
Very good, sir.
I suggest we start
with the upstairs.
- This is the upstairs, sir.
- Yes, I know that.
This is a door.
Yes, that is a door.
- Yes, I know that.
- It's not locked, sir.
Obviously.
Stay where you are.
I prefer to handle this alone.
Is there anybody hiding there
in the dark?
Nothing like a good warm-up
when you're on a case, you know?
Tell me, which switch did you use
to turn on the lights?
The light switch, sir.
Strange. It didn't work for me.
Yes.
Unless I miss my guess,
this would be the gymnasium room.
- Yes, sir.
- Yes. It is a good room.
Yes.
This reminds me of my younger days
at the Surete police academy.
The parallel bars... my speciality.
I was something of an athlete,
you know. Yes, yes.
I was known as the Pavlova
of the parallels.
Oh, yes.
Yes, it's all coming back now.
Yes, I remember it...
Well, that felt good!
Well, now. I expect you're all wondering
why I asked you here.
It's obvious that the knight
that wore that suit...
did not last very long.
Yes, yes. I know.
Now.
Yes. As I was saying...
You were saying you supposed
we were all wondering why you called us.
Look. There is no need for you to speak
unless I ask you a question.
- What is your name?
- I'm Shork, the gardener.
- And what is it you do?
- I'm the gardener.
Why didn't you say that
in the first place?
- I did.
- Don't be funny with me, monsieur.
This is a very serious matter...
and everyone in this room
is under the suspicions.
- "Reum"?
- What? What was that?
- You said, "Reum."
- Yes, I know that.
And there is a very good chance
that someone in this room...
knows more about the murder
than he is telling.
- Murder?
- What was that you said?
- I said murder.
- What murder?
Well, I don't know.
You said murder.
I said murder?
You said murder!
No, I said murder
because you said murder!
- I said murder?
- You said someone in this room...
knows more about the murder
than he's telling.
Now listen...
- What was your name?
- Shork.
- The cook.
- Gardener.
Now we are getting somewhere.
You...
Oh, dear!
Are you all right,
Mr. Stutterstutt?
- Who is this man?
- He's Mr. Stutterstutt.
I see, and what is your job,
Mr. Stuckerstuff?
He's the beekeeper.
I'm not asking you.
I'm asking Mr. Stuffsucker.
What's that? What is he saying to you?
What? What was that?
He says he's got a bit of a cold,
and he's lost his voice.
Lost his voice. A beekeeper
who has lost his voice...
a cook who thinks he's a gardener...
and a witness to a murder.
Oh, yes. It is obvious
to my trained eye...
that there is much more
going on here...
than meets the ear.
Before you are dismissed,
Mr. Stiffsticker...
I suggest you count your bees.
You may find that one of them
is missing.
You ruined that piano!
What is the price of one piano...
compared to the terrible crime
that has been committed here?
But that's a priceless Steinway!
Not anymore. What is your name?
Mrs. Leverlilly.
Mrs. Loveliver.
I would take a shrewd guess...
that you are the housekeeper,
right?
I have been with Professor Fassbender
for 30 years.
That would account
for your exaggerated hysteria...
over a simple blemish
on the furniture.
Blemish!
Whatever has happened to the piano
can easily be repaired.
What has happened
to Professor Fassbender...
and his daughter
is another matter.
And it is my job to bring the guilty
party, or parties, to their justice.
Now, then, what do we know?
One: That Professor Fassbender...
and his daughter
have been kidnapped.
Two: Someone has kidnapped them.
Three: My hand is on fire.
Drummond, what's going on?
Good afternoon, sir.
Inspector Clouseau
has been interrogating the staff.
Inspector Clouseau,
Superintendent Quinlan.
Oh, lnspector.
Superintendent.
Why don't you just tell Potters
that he's incompetent...
and request that he be taken off
the case?
Because we've got enough trouble
with France...
without suggesting that
their greatest detective is a fool.
Steady.
Where is he now?
He is shadowing
the Fassbender farm.
Hello, sailor.
- Yes?
- Who are you?
Chuck. Who are you?
What's that?
I am Chief lnspector Jacques Clouseau
of the Surete.
-How exciting.
-I think I will just take a look around.
Yes. Well, you'll have to make use
of the bar first or take a table.
- The show starts in a few minutes.
- In that case, I will take the table.
Right. Follow me, Jock.
- Jacques.
- Jack?
Ladies and gentlemen, once again...
it is my profound pleasure
to introduce...
the incomparable Ainsley Jarvis!
What's a queen
Without a castle
You're right
No queen at all
And you'd be right again to say
The winter's day
Is cold
Till you
Come
Until you love me
I always will be wanting
This need I need
Can come from only
You
Until you love me
I'll live a life of longing
For that's the next best thing
I can do
No way of knowing
Which way you're heart is going
To go
I don't think you know
Take as long as it takes
Your love
To grow
Until you love me
Not one dream can come true
In all my dreams
There is a place
For you
And so I'll keep those dreams
Until
You love me
Too
Why is it that this afternoon
you are Jarvis, the Fassbender butler...
and tonight, you are...
- Inspector, before you get all...
- Madame or monsieur, I must warn you.
You had better watch your step.
- Something wrong, Ainsley?
- Of course not, Bruno.
No, the inspector was just warning me
that I had to watch my step.
You see, back in France,
he's known as king of the tango.
- Tango?
- Oh, I'd love to.
- The kidnappers are here.
- Kidnappers?
Okay. Let's go.
You want to call Paris now?
Look at it this way.
It can't possibly get any worse.
Professor Fassbender!
What an honor to have you
and your charming daughter as my guests.
- Who the devil are you?
- Ah, yes. Who the devil, indeed.
Come. Sit down.
Let us just say for the moment...
that I'm your host and that I will do
everything in my power...
to make your stay here at Mondschien
Castle as pleasant as possible.
Providing, of course...
that you reciprocate by giving me
something that I very much want.
And that would be?
I am fascinated by your work
on time-space relationships...
particularly the vortices
of electromagnetic aberrations.
I see.
And do you work
for a particular government...
or do you expect to sell
my discovery to the highest bidder?
Neither, Professor.
Nothing so mundane.
You and l... we're going
to join forces, Professor.
We're going to build the Doomsday
Machine and conquer the world.
- Have a sweet.
- You're mad.
Mad? On the contrary...
every day, in every way...
I've been getting better
and better.
Mad? Was Hannibal mad?
Or Alexander? Surely Napoleon
was the maddest of them all. Mad?
We shall see, Professor.
- I shall tell you nothing.
- I think you will.
I'll die first.
Show Miss Fassbender
to the schoolroom.
Daddy?
What are you going to do?
Something so very, very painful,
so hideous...
your father will have no choice
but to cooperate.
All right.
I'll tell you anything.
The Wolverines certainly have to put
some points on the scoreboard.
I'm sure that Green
will come out throwing.
He's got to get that ball
down deep into Navy territory.
Green now on third down.
Looks to the left, throws it...
All right, team! Let's go!
Throw's complete to Rhodes!
He's inside the 15! He's to the 20!
The clock is running down.
Can the Wolverines do it?
- What happened?
- Where's the game?
- Who is that?
- Hello there.
- He's on every station.
- Well, call the F.C.C.
Hold it! He's saying something.
Mr. President, everybody, calm down.
Calm down, hell!
This is an emergen...
An emergency.
Did Michigan score?
Please, let's hear
what the fellow has to say.
It is little enough to ask...
the life of one man...
against a holocaust...
that could destroy the globe.
What the hell's he talking about?
Quiet.
That's why I say again...
give me Clouseau.
- And we can all sleep secure in bed.
- What's a Clouseau?
And so, next week...
I shall give the world a demonstration
of the awesome power I hold.
On Saturday, October 9th...
at precisely 3:00 p.m.
Eastern Standard Time...
the United Nations building...
Will vanish
from the face of the earth.
And the gun goes off.
The game is over.
Call the F.B.I., the C.I.A.
and the Pentagon.
Find out who won the game!
That's a photograph taken
by an American news photographer...
while the broadcast
was in progress.
Paris has identified him
as one Charles Dreyfus...
former chief inspector
of the Surete.
- You're joking.
- And more recently an inmate...
at the state facility
for the criminally insane.
Until he escaped.
Here's a text of his speech.
He obviously controls equipment...
sophisticated enough
to pirate the satellite.
"Give me Clouseau, and we can all
sleep secure in our beds."
Thought that might interest you.
That's one crazy chief inspector talking
about another crazy chief inspector.
What does he mean anyway?
"Give me Clouseau."
Listen to this. "Little enough
to ask the life of one man...
against a holocaust
that could destroy the globe."
You missed the best bit. Look.
He also threatens
to make the U.N. building disappear.
- Operation Looking Glass?
- Fassbender.
Give me Lovell. Home Office.
- Where's Clouseau?
- I've no idea.
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
once again...
the incomparable Ainsley Jarvis.
Monsieur Jarvis?
- Sir, the coroner's report.
- Ah, yes.
It's amazing. Even after
he had been stabbed twice...
he was still able
to break the kidnapper's neck.
- Ah, pity.
- Yes, he had a lovely voice.
I meant pity that the kidnapper's dead.
We might have got something from him.
- I did get something out of him.
- What?
What's that?
- A clue.
- Clue?
- What?
- You said a clue.
Yes. A brochure clue...
advertising the Oktoberfest
in Munich.
It begins the day after tomorrow.
And you think the dead man was planning
to go there, perhaps to meet someone?
Yes. Perhaps to meet...
the lunatic Dreyfus.
At one time,
partners in the war against crime...
now archenemies.
- You'll need help.
- I prefer to do this alone.
Yes, but if Dreyfus is what we suspect,
he probably has an army behind him.
Of course it won't be easy,
but nothing worthwhile ever is.
That is why I have always failed
where others have succeeded.
For me, the greater the odds,
the greater the challenge.
And, as always,
I accept the challenge.
Well, I am off to Munich.
Most ingenious.
The old closet ploy.
I really must congratulate you.
If there's one thing I do enjoy...
it's a good closet ploy.
Well, until we meet again
and the case is solved.
The case is solved.
Four minutes.
We're gonna look like a bunch
of Dipsy Doodles if this is a hoax.
Well...
we would look very foolish
if we didn't take every precaution...
and it turned out
not to be a hoax.
Dr. Fassbender and Operation Looking
Glass are certainly no hoax.
God. A weapon like that
in the hands of a crazy Frenchman.
You are certain?
You can do it?
- Theoretically, yes.
- For your daughter's sake, I hope so.
Ah, the dreams I had.
All the terrible things I was going
to do to that sweet child if you failed.
- Look, I've done everything you asked.
- Not yet.
When the U.N. building vanishes...
then you will have done everything
I asked.
What do you suppose
they will call the crater?
The Dreyfus Ditch!
- There should be no crater.
- No crater?
But I want a crater.
I want wreckage, twisted metal.
Something the world
will not forget.
- They will not forget today.
- They won't? Wonderful.
I have to tinkle again.
Don't do anything till I get back.
Too late. The countdown started.
One minute.
Thirty seconds.
Seven, six...
five, four...
three, two, one!
Ignition!
Today...
the U.N. building.
Tomorrow, who knows?
I think by now that the nations
of the world are aware of the...
the awesome power which I control...
a power so great...
if I choose,
I could wipe out an entire city.
After all,
what is the life of a man...
compared to the destruction
of a whole city?
I give you seven days.
Seven days.
Okay.
Well done.
So, now we wait.
All this to get one cop?
But we have some of the finest
hit men here in Europe.
-In this very room.
-Why don't we take care of it ourselves?
- Because you wouldn't stand a chance.
- Come on.
- You don't know Clouseau.
- He can't be that good.
Good? He's not good.
He's terrible.
He's the worst.
There is not any man like him
anywhere in the world.
Compared to Clouseau,
this Doomsday Machine...
is just a water pistol.
That's why it will take
all the great nations...
with all of their
trained assassins...
and all of their
sophisticated murder weapons...
to eliminate Clouseau.
Taxi, please.
This gentleman...
- What are you doing?
- That's my case.
Lucky for you, I am in a hurry.
Otherwise you would have been arrested.
And when it comes to the matter
of eliminating Clouseau...
nobody wants to have anybody else
get the credit for it.
It's a matter of national pride.
I think we all agree, Mr. President,
that we simply cannot afford...
to allow any other country
to get hold of Fassbender's machine.
Crazy or not, anyone who has gone
to the lengths that Dreyfus has...
in order to eliminate one man...
it's reasonable to assume...
that Dreyfus will smile
very kindly...
on the one who eliminates
lnspector Clouseau.
I think that's pretty far-fetched.
Mr. President,
if I told you one week ago...
that the U.N. building
would disappear...
and that a certified lunatic
would blackmail the entire...
You made your point.
What do we do?
Well, Mr. President,
Clouseau is in Munich.
I ordered one of our top people
to Munich yesterday.
- Yesterday?
- Well, just in case.
He's just reported in.
Clouseau has gone to the Oktoberfest.
I wonder if we have enough time
before the others act.
Germany's already acted,
and bungled it.
According to the latest
code transmission...
twelve countries have got
their top assassins in Munich...
and they're all converging
on the Oktoberfest.
My God, it will be
like a shooting gallery.
Try one of my pretzels.
They're good.
What are you doing
to this poor, motherless child?
You great big bully.
There, there, little boy.
Sir.
- I better call the President.
- You know what time it is?
He wants me to call.
Put me in, Coach.
What's the score?
Yes!
It's okay. How many?
Twenty-six, Mr. President.
Holy cow. No wonder Dreyfus
wants that Clouseau killed.
He's a one-man army.
Who's left?
Just the Russian
and the Egyptian.
My key, please.
127, please.
Good evening,
lnspector Clouseau.
I couldn't sleep, and I just happened
to be in the neighborhood.
I hope you don't mind.
You Frenchmen are so romantic.
Thank heaven
For little girls
Swine maid.
Oh, forgive me, darling.
I've just washed my hands.
They must have been freezing.
Freezing? Yes.
Something wrong?
Wrong? Oh, no.
What could be wrong?
Then come back to bed.
Yes, of course.
Into the bed, you know.
And take off
those so-silly pajamas.
You may rest assured you will never
see these so-silly pajamas again.
That I can assure you.
Darling?
Yes, I won't be a moment...
darling.
Hurry, darling.
I'm just going to take a bath.
A bath?
Excuse me.
Yes.
Hello, this is
Chief lnspector Clouseau.
There is a beautiful woman in my bed
and a dead man in my bath.
If you're going to take a bath,
I want to take one with you.
Darling, it's freezing out here.
Let me in.
Madame...
I arrest you for the murder
of the man in this bathtub.
What?
And I must warn you that anything
you say will be taken down...
and used in evidence against me...
you.
Who is he?
I don't know.
He looks familiar.
- He looks like you.
- Looks like me?
Tournier, the bank robber.
What is he doing in your bathtub
dressed up like you?
It is a question
I could very easily ask you.
But he has been shot...
and I do not carry a gun.
Obviously not, no.
I am Olga Berriossiva.
Until one hour ago,
I was a loyal Russian agent...
under direct order
from the presidium to kill you.
To kill me?
I was considered
a perfect liquidator...
because no man had ever been able
to involve me emotionally...
until tonight.
Do you think that you
could fall in love...
with an ex-Russian agent?
Well, of course...
everything is possible, yes.
- But you are not the same.
- Huh?
Oh, well, of course...
dead men in bathtubs
have been known...
to make quite a difference,
you know.
Anyway, this is the man who can
lead me to the lunatic Dreyfus...
who it is my sworn duty
to apprehend.
I, too, had a sworn duty,
but I have forsaken it...
become traitor,
given up everything for you.
With me...
it is the duty that comes first.
Oh, make an exception
just this once.
I wish that I could.
You can. I guarantee it.
No, you see, l...
- Look!
- What?
That tattoo. When I arrested Tournier,
he did not have that tattoo.
- It looks like the Mondschien crest.
- Mondschien?
- Mm-hmm.
- What is that?
An infamous family who ruled Bavaria
in the 15th century.
I read somewhere
that the Mondschien Castle...
had recently been sold.
You read somewhere that...
they had sold the castle?
Fancy them selling the castle,
just like that.
The castle!
Yes. Dreyfus.
He is in the castle.
Farewell. I am off
to Mondschien Castle.
Must be getting a cavity.
When can my daughter and I leave?
When Clouseau is no more,
perhaps.
I have done
everything you asked.
You've done everything I've asked
so far...
but I have not asked everything.
What you mean is that you have
no intention of letting us go.
You plan to continue
your reign of terror...
whether Clouseau is eliminated
or not.
I must admit the thought
had occurred to me.
- You are mad.
- And you are redundant, Professor.
Redundant and fallacious.
Madness does not preclude achievement.
You cannot operate the machine
without me.
Not yet,
but when you have taught me.
And if I refuse to teach you?
Then I would have to take the matter up
with your charming daughter.
- What kind of a man are you?
- A madman.
- You said so yourself.
- Boss!
It's true.
- When?
- This morning, in his hotel room.
He's dead!
He's dead
in his hotel bedroom!
Hurray! I'm free!
Oh, I'm so happy, Professor.
I'm so...
Good day.
My name is Professor Guy Gabroir...
medieval castle authority
from Marseilles.
Tell me, do you have a room?
I do not know
what a "reum" is.
Ah! A room!
That is what I have
been saying, you idiot.
Room.
Does your dog bite?
Nice doggy.
I thought you said
your dog did not bite.
That is not my dog.
Anything I can get you, boss?
I can't stand it any longer.
Get me a dentist!
Dr. Shurtz lives here...
but he has gone fishing.
I don't know.
I will tell him.
Did I hear you say
a doctor lives here?
He's a doctor and a dentist.
He made mein teeth for me.
They want him up at the castle.
Up at the castle?
Where can I find him?
Dr. Shurtz has gone fishing.
- He probably won't be back until...
- Show me his zimmer.
- Hmm?
- His room!
Hello!
It's Dr. Shurtz
from the village, you know.
Oh, excuse me, sir.
- Dr. Shurtz is here.
- Where?
Ah, here, Doctor.
Please hurry.
I am in agony.
All will be well soon.
- Did you hurt yourself?
- Yes.
The burn.
I can set it later.
- Please hurry.
- First of all, I will need...
some hot water and towels.
Get some hot water, Harry,
and lock the door.
- I don't want to be disturbed.
- And lock the door, Harry.
He does not wish
to be disturbed, you know.
Please, Doctor, hurry.
I can't stand the pain.
Yes. Now, then let me see.
- Ow.
- What?
- My eye.
- I thought it was your tooth.
- But it is my tooth.
- I wish you would make your mind up.
I don't normally make castle calls
in the middle of the night.
Doctor.
Wait while l...
Yes, that's...
There it is.
Now, open wide, please.
Now, let me see.
Tell me when this hurts.
Is it that one?
Is it that one?
Ah, there is the naughty one.
- Are you going to pull it?
- Pull it?
Yes, of course I will pull it.
Please give me something
to put me out.
Put you out?
Yes. Here, first you must wear...
this special anesthetic
cotton wool, you know.
Wear it over the eyes.
On no account look out from under it.
That will ruin the whole effect
of the anesthetic on the eyes.
- You want me to hold it like that?
- Hold it like that on the eyes...
while I get some...
Please hurry, Doctor.
I can't stand the pain.
Yes. Coming soon.
What are you doing?
Just rearranging the furniture...
in order to give you
the full effect of the anesthetic.
Doctor, I'm in agony!
Not for much longer.
That was hell down there.
What's wrong?
Whoever built this house
put the stairs in the wrong place.
Do you mean
you fell down the stairs?
I was preoccupied
with the anesthetic, you know.
It's really hot in here,
isn't it?
Now, the...
anesthetic.
"Nitrous oxide."
What's that?
That is the anesthetic,
you know.
Oh, good.
Yes, it is good, yes.
Please, Doctor,
the pain is getting worse.
Please, hurry up.
A few whiffs of this,
and you won't feel a thing.
- All right.
- Now, breathe deeply.
- How's that?
- It's fine.
How do you feel?
A little dizzy.
- What's so funny?
- I don't know. Nothing.
- Then why are you laughing?
- I don't know.
- Why are you laughing?
- Because I can't help it.
Yes.
I love it.
- Come on.
- It's gonna hurt.
Good. Lovely.
I will have to use more leverage.
I don't know what you gave me,
Doctor...
but it's giving me hallucinations.
Your whole face has changed.
It has?
How's this?
Grotesque!
We just got word, boss.
Clouseau is still alive.
I knew it.
He has pulled the wrong tooth.
There's only one man
who would pull the wrong tooth.
It's Clouseau.
Kill him.
Get Fassbender and his daughter
into the control room.
What about Clouseau?
Priorities.
First I will pick a target.
Then Clouseau.
Now we'll see
who has the last laugh.
They've all betrayed me,
and now they will have to pay.
What shall I destroy?
Buckingham Palace? Too small.
How about London?
Not big enough.
England! Yes, England.
Good-bye, Piccadilly
Farewell, Leicester Square
You are just in time,
Professor.
Within five minutes,
I shall destroy England.
England!
No more cricket.
No more warm beer, Professor.
No more fish and chips.
No more...
England!
Do something.
You brought it on yourself.
It's too late.
Wait!
Do something!
Come back! Help me!
Look!
You've gotta help me.
Help, Professor!
Cato, my little yellow friend,
I'm home.
I gave Cato the night off.
But what has happened
to my room?
Darling?
My darling.
Darling, sing to me.
Sing to you? Oh.
Come to me
And the world
It will be ours tonight
Where did you go?
- Your voice?
- Yes, that was my voice.
That was my voice singing
a little song we used to sing...
in the Resistance
to keep up the courage.
Was it hard for you
in the Resistance?
Very hard, but not as hard
as it is now.
Darling, relax.
Resistance is over.
My darling.
My beautiful darling.
What?
Good morning, Charles.
You're looking splendid.
I feel splendid.
Every day, and in every way,
you're feeling..
Better and better.
- Indeed.
- Well, won't you sit here?
Wouldn't you like me to..
Not unless you want to.
No. I'll be quite comfortable here.
Thank you.
Doctor, I'm surprised.
Oh, of course. You quit.
Three months ago.
You know, there was a time
when your forgetfulness...
would have made me feel
very rejected.
- Not now, hmm?
- Well, a little rejected, perhaps.
- Did you do it intentionally?
- Why should I do that?
Well...
I'm a patient you consider
to be completely rehabilitated...
on your recommendation soon to appear
before the sanity board...
your reputation on the line.
A little test, perhaps, hmm?
Not very long ago,
an obvious trick like that...
would have sent you
into a towering rage.
And poor old Clouseau
would have silently...
and passively submitted
to another massacre.
It's a miracle you were somehow able
to keep putting him back together again.
Poor old Clouseau.
There was a time
when I couldn't even speak his name.
And there was also a time
when you would joyfully have killed him.
Yes.
I was a sick man, wasn't l?
We've come a long way, haven't we?
And you're not even a little bit
bothered when you think of Clouseau?
Not even a little bit.
- Do you believe me?
- If you say so.
Well, I could be lying.
You are a good psychiatrist,
but I may be a better liar.
For your sake, I hope you're not.
Sooner or later,
you'd run into Clouseau...
and then back here for life.
No more chance
of another hearing.
Coming here day after day, watching you
chain smoke into an early grave...
and knowing on certain mornings, you'll
be particularly morose and testy...
because you've had another fight
with your wife...
Iike this morning.
- How do you know that?
- It's the only time you doodle.
I keep forgetting you used to be
chief inspector of the Surete.
And will be again.
But Clouseau
is chief inspector now.
Till the better man comes along.
Well, in that case...
I think lnspector Clouseau had better
start looking to his laurels.
What? You mean...
The board meets at 2:00
this afternoon.
This afternoon?
If everything goes as I expect it to,
you'll be out of here this afternoon.
- Thank you.
- See you at 2:00.
Clouseau!
Now, now, Doctor.
Some people would consider
your methods most unorthodox.
I was just making sure that you're not
a better liar than I am a psychiatrist.
2:00.
Come along. Good.
How.
Help!
Grab hold of this.
Pull. Pull on this.
Help!
Out with the bad air,
in with the good.
Out, in.
- Don't look, Fiona!
- Out, out.
And now the kiss of life.
Pervert!
Dirty old men!
Please, there is no need
to thank me.
- Thank you?
- For saving your life.
Someone...
I was hit on the head.
Yes, you have received a bump
upon the head.
- "Beump"?
- What?
- You said "beump."
- Yes, I know that.
It is a large bump.
You could receive a concussion
from such a bump.
- Allow me to assist you.
- No!
I'm all right. I'm fine.
Never better.
Just a little shaky.
Probably the shock of...
I mean, the surprise
of seeing you here again today.
Well, I received a report...
from the sanity commission...
that they were going
to review your case today...
so I thought a few words from me
on your behalf...
Oh, God...
I mean, how generous of you, but...
Well, I'm not without influence,
you know.
Yes, I know that.
Yes, I have become
a rather important official...
in the department.
I've heard you are the new
chief inspector.
Yes.
Yes, we made quite a few changes
since you went crazy.
For the better, I'm sure.
By the way, Sergeant Chevalier
sends you his kind regards.
Oh, Sergeant Chevalier.
Good old Sergeant Chevalier.
How is he, anyway?
Well, you know, there are leaders
and there are followers...
and I'm afraid Sergeant Chevalier
will always be a follower, no?
Oh, yes.
And you, my friend Clouseau...
a leader, huh?
Always a leader?
Onwards and upwards to the top, hmm?
- It is my karma.
- What?
- My destiny.
- Oh, yes.
Yes, a few more years
on the force...
and I might even be persuaded
to run for the public office.
You can count on my vote.
And you, my friend,
can count on me...
to do everything in my power
to get you out of this place.
Oh, yes. I know how you feel.
My hat. Well...
Are you all right,
former Chief lnspector?
Yes!
Yes, I'm perfectly all right.
See?
One moment,
and I will have you extracted.
I'm fine. I am perfect.
Every day, and in every way...
I'm getting better and better.
Somewhere over the rainbow
I'm afraid that this
is just not your day, my friend.
But it is my day.
It is, my friend.
After three long terrible years...
it is at last my day.
I will not permit...
repeat... not permit anything...
repeat...
anything to spoil it.
Now, I will walk you to the gate...
and I will kiss you good-bye...
and you will drive off
in your new car...
which should rightfully be mine...
and then I will have my interview
with the sanity commission.
And they will set me free,
and then...
I will kill you.
- Kill you!
- Francois!
Start the car!
Kill!
I'll kill him!
I want to kill him!
I've got to kill him.
Oh, allow me.
Cato?
Forty winks.
It's the phone.
The phone is ringing.
Relax. I'll get it.
This is Chief lnspector Clouseau's
residence.
This is Chief lnspector Clouseau...
speaking on the phone.
What? Oh, put him on.
Good evening, Commissioner.
How are you? How is Madame
and all the little commissioners?
I see.
Well, you can rest assured...
that I shall take every precaution
that is necessary.
Thank you, Commissioner,
and good evening.
I have just received word
that former Chief lnspector Dreyfus...
has escaped from the insane asylum.
For some reason,
the deputy commissioner...
thinks that he might try
to kill me.
Obviously, the poor man is crazier
than anyone gives him credit for.
Nevertheless, I am ordered
to take every precaution.
See that the back and front doors
are locked...
while I slip into
my new hunchback disguise.
Both doors are locked now.
Who are you?
What have you done
with lnspector Clouseau?
Chief lnspector Clouseau.
Fooled you, didn't l?
Oh, Chief lnspector,
that is fantastic.
If you think this is fantastic...
wait till you see the full effect
with the hump.
The bells!
They deafen me!
Chief lnspector Clouseau?
Yes, this is
Chief lnspector Clouseau.
Who is speaking?
My name is Duval.
Claude Duval.
I have the honor to be chairman...
of the Jacques Clouseau
presentation committee.
The presentation committee?
For me?
For what purpose, may I ask?
For what purpose, you ask.
How modest of you.
The purpose, monsieur,
is to honor...
one of the city's most dedicated...
brave and selfless public servants.
You are most generous, monsieur.
Most.
Yes, I must admit I have often wondered,
considering my years on the force...
and my numerous accomplishments, why
recognition was not forthcoming earlier.
Absolutely right.
Nine years faithful service
at the Surete...
and not as much as a single decoration
in all that time.
Yes, that is quite correct.
However,
as you are no doubt aware...
I have recently received
an important promotion.
Really?
I have replaced the lunatic Dreyfus
as chief inspector.
I know, and I'm sure Paris sleeps
the more safely because of the change.
You're very most kind.
But I can assure you when it comes
to matters of keeping the peace...
I'm always on my toes.
Chief lnspector.
One moment, please.
Can't you see
that I'm on the phone?
Oh, yes, Commissioner.
Fortunately, there was sufficient air
still left in my hump...
to keep me afloat
until the rescue.
Yes. Well, thank you very much,
Commissioner. Good-bye.
That was the commissioner.
He was most concerned.
Well, you have been
very, very lucky, you know.
Yes, I know. Poor Cato
will be in the hospital for weeks.
Do you know what kind
of a bomb it was?
The exploding kind.
Mark my words, Francois.
Sinister forces are at work.
And this mad bomber
must be apprehended at all costs.
Make sure you issue
an all-points bulletin immediately.
- Yes, sir.
- What about my clothes?
Oh, Sergeant Chauvin
is rounding some up for you.
While you're waiting,
perhaps you'll sign the order...
to transport Jean Tournier
to prison.
Tournier the bank robber?
I shall be happy to sign that order.
Ah, it's life for you
this time, Tournier.
At last, we are rid of you.
I have to go to the toilet.
All right.
Thank you.
All right, Tournier.
That's long enough.
Now this is my plan.
Step number one:
I will recruit the world's greatest
criminal minds. Step number two:
I will build an organization
so sinister, so powerful...
by comparison, the Cosa Nostra
will seem like the Vienna Boys Choir.
- Here is the list.
- But half of these men are in prison.
- We'll get them out.
- Impossible.
I'll bet you 20 million francs
it isn't.
- Where would I get 20 million francs?
- I thought you'd ask that.
Step number three: Next Thursday
at precisely 2:00 p.m...
you and six men will enter the main
branch of the Paris credit bank.
This afternoon, at approximately
five minutes to 5:00...
three men dressed in building
maintenance uniforms...
entered and robbed
the Paris credit bank.
The leader has been identified
as Jean Tournier.
How much did they get?
Millions. Here's the report.
All right. That will be all,
Francois. Thank you.
Twenty million francs.
And now, the next step.
Hugo Fassbender and his daughter
have been kidnapped.
- Professor Fassbender?
- Yes. Paris has a theory.
They're sending over their top man...
a Chief lnspector Clouseau.
He just sent this telegram. "Arrived
Gatwick Airport, B.R. 121, 12:38 p.m."
Yes? Who are you?
- Jarvis, sir.
- And what is it you do?
- I am the butler.
- Ah, the butler. Yes, yes.
Can you tell me where you were
on the night of the kidnapping?
- Asleep in my room, sir.
- Asleep in your room.
- Can you prove that?
- No.
Make a note of that,
Sergeant Yard.
Tell the staff to assemble
in the drawing room.
I will interview them
in a few moments.
Yes, sir.
- What was your name again?
- Jarvis.
Jarvis, that's right. Perhaps you'll be
kind enough to show me around the house.
Very good, sir.
I suggest we start
with the upstairs.
- This is the upstairs, sir.
- Yes, I know that.
This is a door.
Yes, that is a door.
- Yes, I know that.
- It's not locked, sir.
Obviously.
Stay where you are.
I prefer to handle this alone.
Is there anybody hiding there
in the dark?
Nothing like a good warm-up
when you're on a case, you know?
Tell me, which switch did you use
to turn on the lights?
The light switch, sir.
Strange. It didn't work for me.
Yes.
Unless I miss my guess,
this would be the gymnasium room.
- Yes, sir.
- Yes. It is a good room.
Yes.
This reminds me of my younger days
at the Surete police academy.
The parallel bars... my speciality.
I was something of an athlete,
you know. Yes, yes.
I was known as the Pavlova
of the parallels.
Oh, yes.
Yes, it's all coming back now.
Yes, I remember it...
Well, that felt good!
Well, now. I expect you're all wondering
why I asked you here.
It's obvious that the knight
that wore that suit...
did not last very long.
Yes, yes. I know.
Now.
Yes. As I was saying...
You were saying you supposed
we were all wondering why you called us.
Look. There is no need for you to speak
unless I ask you a question.
- What is your name?
- I'm Shork, the gardener.
- And what is it you do?
- I'm the gardener.
Why didn't you say that
in the first place?
- I did.
- Don't be funny with me, monsieur.
This is a very serious matter...
and everyone in this room
is under the suspicions.
- "Reum"?
- What? What was that?
- You said, "Reum."
- Yes, I know that.
And there is a very good chance
that someone in this room...
knows more about the murder
than he is telling.
- Murder?
- What was that you said?
- I said murder.
- What murder?
Well, I don't know.
You said murder.
I said murder?
You said murder!
No, I said murder
because you said murder!
- I said murder?
- You said someone in this room...
knows more about the murder
than he's telling.
Now listen...
- What was your name?
- Shork.
- The cook.
- Gardener.
Now we are getting somewhere.
You...
Oh, dear!
Are you all right,
Mr. Stutterstutt?
- Who is this man?
- He's Mr. Stutterstutt.
I see, and what is your job,
Mr. Stuckerstuff?
He's the beekeeper.
I'm not asking you.
I'm asking Mr. Stuffsucker.
What's that? What is he saying to you?
What? What was that?
He says he's got a bit of a cold,
and he's lost his voice.
Lost his voice. A beekeeper
who has lost his voice...
a cook who thinks he's a gardener...
and a witness to a murder.
Oh, yes. It is obvious
to my trained eye...
that there is much more
going on here...
than meets the ear.
Before you are dismissed,
Mr. Stiffsticker...
I suggest you count your bees.
You may find that one of them
is missing.
You ruined that piano!
What is the price of one piano...
compared to the terrible crime
that has been committed here?
But that's a priceless Steinway!
Not anymore. What is your name?
Mrs. Leverlilly.
Mrs. Loveliver.
I would take a shrewd guess...
that you are the housekeeper,
right?
I have been with Professor Fassbender
for 30 years.
That would account
for your exaggerated hysteria...
over a simple blemish
on the furniture.
Blemish!
Whatever has happened to the piano
can easily be repaired.
What has happened
to Professor Fassbender...
and his daughter
is another matter.
And it is my job to bring the guilty
party, or parties, to their justice.
Now, then, what do we know?
One: That Professor Fassbender...
and his daughter
have been kidnapped.
Two: Someone has kidnapped them.
Three: My hand is on fire.
Drummond, what's going on?
Good afternoon, sir.
Inspector Clouseau
has been interrogating the staff.
Inspector Clouseau,
Superintendent Quinlan.
Oh, lnspector.
Superintendent.
Why don't you just tell Potters
that he's incompetent...
and request that he be taken off
the case?
Because we've got enough trouble
with France...
without suggesting that
their greatest detective is a fool.
Steady.
Where is he now?
He is shadowing
the Fassbender farm.
Hello, sailor.
- Yes?
- Who are you?
Chuck. Who are you?
What's that?
I am Chief lnspector Jacques Clouseau
of the Surete.
-How exciting.
-I think I will just take a look around.
Yes. Well, you'll have to make use
of the bar first or take a table.
- The show starts in a few minutes.
- In that case, I will take the table.
Right. Follow me, Jock.
- Jacques.
- Jack?
Ladies and gentlemen, once again...
it is my profound pleasure
to introduce...
the incomparable Ainsley Jarvis!
What's a queen
Without a castle
You're right
No queen at all
And you'd be right again to say
The winter's day
Is cold
Till you
Come
Until you love me
I always will be wanting
This need I need
Can come from only
You
Until you love me
I'll live a life of longing
For that's the next best thing
I can do
No way of knowing
Which way you're heart is going
To go
I don't think you know
Take as long as it takes
Your love
To grow
Until you love me
Not one dream can come true
In all my dreams
There is a place
For you
And so I'll keep those dreams
Until
You love me
Too
Why is it that this afternoon
you are Jarvis, the Fassbender butler...
and tonight, you are...
- Inspector, before you get all...
- Madame or monsieur, I must warn you.
You had better watch your step.
- Something wrong, Ainsley?
- Of course not, Bruno.
No, the inspector was just warning me
that I had to watch my step.
You see, back in France,
he's known as king of the tango.
- Tango?
- Oh, I'd love to.
- The kidnappers are here.
- Kidnappers?
Okay. Let's go.
You want to call Paris now?
Look at it this way.
It can't possibly get any worse.
Professor Fassbender!
What an honor to have you
and your charming daughter as my guests.
- Who the devil are you?
- Ah, yes. Who the devil, indeed.
Come. Sit down.
Let us just say for the moment...
that I'm your host and that I will do
everything in my power...
to make your stay here at Mondschien
Castle as pleasant as possible.
Providing, of course...
that you reciprocate by giving me
something that I very much want.
And that would be?
I am fascinated by your work
on time-space relationships...
particularly the vortices
of electromagnetic aberrations.
I see.
And do you work
for a particular government...
or do you expect to sell
my discovery to the highest bidder?
Neither, Professor.
Nothing so mundane.
You and l... we're going
to join forces, Professor.
We're going to build the Doomsday
Machine and conquer the world.
- Have a sweet.
- You're mad.
Mad? On the contrary...
every day, in every way...
I've been getting better
and better.
Mad? Was Hannibal mad?
Or Alexander? Surely Napoleon
was the maddest of them all. Mad?
We shall see, Professor.
- I shall tell you nothing.
- I think you will.
I'll die first.
Show Miss Fassbender
to the schoolroom.
Daddy?
What are you going to do?
Something so very, very painful,
so hideous...
your father will have no choice
but to cooperate.
All right.
I'll tell you anything.
The Wolverines certainly have to put
some points on the scoreboard.
I'm sure that Green
will come out throwing.
He's got to get that ball
down deep into Navy territory.
Green now on third down.
Looks to the left, throws it...
All right, team! Let's go!
Throw's complete to Rhodes!
He's inside the 15! He's to the 20!
The clock is running down.
Can the Wolverines do it?
- What happened?
- Where's the game?
- Who is that?
- Hello there.
- He's on every station.
- Well, call the F.C.C.
Hold it! He's saying something.
Mr. President, everybody, calm down.
Calm down, hell!
This is an emergen...
An emergency.
Did Michigan score?
Please, let's hear
what the fellow has to say.
It is little enough to ask...
the life of one man...
against a holocaust...
that could destroy the globe.
What the hell's he talking about?
Quiet.
That's why I say again...
give me Clouseau.
- And we can all sleep secure in bed.
- What's a Clouseau?
And so, next week...
I shall give the world a demonstration
of the awesome power I hold.
On Saturday, October 9th...
at precisely 3:00 p.m.
Eastern Standard Time...
the United Nations building...
Will vanish
from the face of the earth.
And the gun goes off.
The game is over.
Call the F.B.I., the C.I.A.
and the Pentagon.
Find out who won the game!
That's a photograph taken
by an American news photographer...
while the broadcast
was in progress.
Paris has identified him
as one Charles Dreyfus...
former chief inspector
of the Surete.
- You're joking.
- And more recently an inmate...
at the state facility
for the criminally insane.
Until he escaped.
Here's a text of his speech.
He obviously controls equipment...
sophisticated enough
to pirate the satellite.
"Give me Clouseau, and we can all
sleep secure in our beds."
Thought that might interest you.
That's one crazy chief inspector talking
about another crazy chief inspector.
What does he mean anyway?
"Give me Clouseau."
Listen to this. "Little enough
to ask the life of one man...
against a holocaust
that could destroy the globe."
You missed the best bit. Look.
He also threatens
to make the U.N. building disappear.
- Operation Looking Glass?
- Fassbender.
Give me Lovell. Home Office.
- Where's Clouseau?
- I've no idea.
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
once again...
the incomparable Ainsley Jarvis.
Monsieur Jarvis?
- Sir, the coroner's report.
- Ah, yes.
It's amazing. Even after
he had been stabbed twice...
he was still able
to break the kidnapper's neck.
- Ah, pity.
- Yes, he had a lovely voice.
I meant pity that the kidnapper's dead.
We might have got something from him.
- I did get something out of him.
- What?
What's that?
- A clue.
- Clue?
- What?
- You said a clue.
Yes. A brochure clue...
advertising the Oktoberfest
in Munich.
It begins the day after tomorrow.
And you think the dead man was planning
to go there, perhaps to meet someone?
Yes. Perhaps to meet...
the lunatic Dreyfus.
At one time,
partners in the war against crime...
now archenemies.
- You'll need help.
- I prefer to do this alone.
Yes, but if Dreyfus is what we suspect,
he probably has an army behind him.
Of course it won't be easy,
but nothing worthwhile ever is.
That is why I have always failed
where others have succeeded.
For me, the greater the odds,
the greater the challenge.
And, as always,
I accept the challenge.
Well, I am off to Munich.
Most ingenious.
The old closet ploy.
I really must congratulate you.
If there's one thing I do enjoy...
it's a good closet ploy.
Well, until we meet again
and the case is solved.
The case is solved.
Four minutes.
We're gonna look like a bunch
of Dipsy Doodles if this is a hoax.
Well...
we would look very foolish
if we didn't take every precaution...
and it turned out
not to be a hoax.
Dr. Fassbender and Operation Looking
Glass are certainly no hoax.
God. A weapon like that
in the hands of a crazy Frenchman.
You are certain?
You can do it?
- Theoretically, yes.
- For your daughter's sake, I hope so.
Ah, the dreams I had.
All the terrible things I was going
to do to that sweet child if you failed.
- Look, I've done everything you asked.
- Not yet.
When the U.N. building vanishes...
then you will have done everything
I asked.
What do you suppose
they will call the crater?
The Dreyfus Ditch!
- There should be no crater.
- No crater?
But I want a crater.
I want wreckage, twisted metal.
Something the world
will not forget.
- They will not forget today.
- They won't? Wonderful.
I have to tinkle again.
Don't do anything till I get back.
Too late. The countdown started.
One minute.
Thirty seconds.
Seven, six...
five, four...
three, two, one!
Ignition!
Today...
the U.N. building.
Tomorrow, who knows?
I think by now that the nations
of the world are aware of the...
the awesome power which I control...
a power so great...
if I choose,
I could wipe out an entire city.
After all,
what is the life of a man...
compared to the destruction
of a whole city?
I give you seven days.
Seven days.
Okay.
Well done.
So, now we wait.
All this to get one cop?
But we have some of the finest
hit men here in Europe.
-In this very room.
-Why don't we take care of it ourselves?
- Because you wouldn't stand a chance.
- Come on.
- You don't know Clouseau.
- He can't be that good.
Good? He's not good.
He's terrible.
He's the worst.
There is not any man like him
anywhere in the world.
Compared to Clouseau,
this Doomsday Machine...
is just a water pistol.
That's why it will take
all the great nations...
with all of their
trained assassins...
and all of their
sophisticated murder weapons...
to eliminate Clouseau.
Taxi, please.
This gentleman...
- What are you doing?
- That's my case.
Lucky for you, I am in a hurry.
Otherwise you would have been arrested.
And when it comes to the matter
of eliminating Clouseau...
nobody wants to have anybody else
get the credit for it.
It's a matter of national pride.
I think we all agree, Mr. President,
that we simply cannot afford...
to allow any other country
to get hold of Fassbender's machine.
Crazy or not, anyone who has gone
to the lengths that Dreyfus has...
in order to eliminate one man...
it's reasonable to assume...
that Dreyfus will smile
very kindly...
on the one who eliminates
lnspector Clouseau.
I think that's pretty far-fetched.
Mr. President,
if I told you one week ago...
that the U.N. building
would disappear...
and that a certified lunatic
would blackmail the entire...
You made your point.
What do we do?
Well, Mr. President,
Clouseau is in Munich.
I ordered one of our top people
to Munich yesterday.
- Yesterday?
- Well, just in case.
He's just reported in.
Clouseau has gone to the Oktoberfest.
I wonder if we have enough time
before the others act.
Germany's already acted,
and bungled it.
According to the latest
code transmission...
twelve countries have got
their top assassins in Munich...
and they're all converging
on the Oktoberfest.
My God, it will be
like a shooting gallery.
Try one of my pretzels.
They're good.
What are you doing
to this poor, motherless child?
You great big bully.
There, there, little boy.
Sir.
- I better call the President.
- You know what time it is?
He wants me to call.
Put me in, Coach.
What's the score?
Yes!
It's okay. How many?
Twenty-six, Mr. President.
Holy cow. No wonder Dreyfus
wants that Clouseau killed.
He's a one-man army.
Who's left?
Just the Russian
and the Egyptian.
My key, please.
127, please.
Good evening,
lnspector Clouseau.
I couldn't sleep, and I just happened
to be in the neighborhood.
I hope you don't mind.
You Frenchmen are so romantic.
Thank heaven
For little girls
Swine maid.
Oh, forgive me, darling.
I've just washed my hands.
They must have been freezing.
Freezing? Yes.
Something wrong?
Wrong? Oh, no.
What could be wrong?
Then come back to bed.
Yes, of course.
Into the bed, you know.
And take off
those so-silly pajamas.
You may rest assured you will never
see these so-silly pajamas again.
That I can assure you.
Darling?
Yes, I won't be a moment...
darling.
Hurry, darling.
I'm just going to take a bath.
A bath?
Excuse me.
Yes.
Hello, this is
Chief lnspector Clouseau.
There is a beautiful woman in my bed
and a dead man in my bath.
If you're going to take a bath,
I want to take one with you.
Darling, it's freezing out here.
Let me in.
Madame...
I arrest you for the murder
of the man in this bathtub.
What?
And I must warn you that anything
you say will be taken down...
and used in evidence against me...
you.
Who is he?
I don't know.
He looks familiar.
- He looks like you.
- Looks like me?
Tournier, the bank robber.
What is he doing in your bathtub
dressed up like you?
It is a question
I could very easily ask you.
But he has been shot...
and I do not carry a gun.
Obviously not, no.
I am Olga Berriossiva.
Until one hour ago,
I was a loyal Russian agent...
under direct order
from the presidium to kill you.
To kill me?
I was considered
a perfect liquidator...
because no man had ever been able
to involve me emotionally...
until tonight.
Do you think that you
could fall in love...
with an ex-Russian agent?
Well, of course...
everything is possible, yes.
- But you are not the same.
- Huh?
Oh, well, of course...
dead men in bathtubs
have been known...
to make quite a difference,
you know.
Anyway, this is the man who can
lead me to the lunatic Dreyfus...
who it is my sworn duty
to apprehend.
I, too, had a sworn duty,
but I have forsaken it...
become traitor,
given up everything for you.
With me...
it is the duty that comes first.
Oh, make an exception
just this once.
I wish that I could.
You can. I guarantee it.
No, you see, l...
- Look!
- What?
That tattoo. When I arrested Tournier,
he did not have that tattoo.
- It looks like the Mondschien crest.
- Mondschien?
- Mm-hmm.
- What is that?
An infamous family who ruled Bavaria
in the 15th century.
I read somewhere
that the Mondschien Castle...
had recently been sold.
You read somewhere that...
they had sold the castle?
Fancy them selling the castle,
just like that.
The castle!
Yes. Dreyfus.
He is in the castle.
Farewell. I am off
to Mondschien Castle.
Must be getting a cavity.
When can my daughter and I leave?
When Clouseau is no more,
perhaps.
I have done
everything you asked.
You've done everything I've asked
so far...
but I have not asked everything.
What you mean is that you have
no intention of letting us go.
You plan to continue
your reign of terror...
whether Clouseau is eliminated
or not.
I must admit the thought
had occurred to me.
- You are mad.
- And you are redundant, Professor.
Redundant and fallacious.
Madness does not preclude achievement.
You cannot operate the machine
without me.
Not yet,
but when you have taught me.
And if I refuse to teach you?
Then I would have to take the matter up
with your charming daughter.
- What kind of a man are you?
- A madman.
- You said so yourself.
- Boss!
It's true.
- When?
- This morning, in his hotel room.
He's dead!
He's dead
in his hotel bedroom!
Hurray! I'm free!
Oh, I'm so happy, Professor.
I'm so...
Good day.
My name is Professor Guy Gabroir...
medieval castle authority
from Marseilles.
Tell me, do you have a room?
I do not know
what a "reum" is.
Ah! A room!
That is what I have
been saying, you idiot.
Room.
Does your dog bite?
Nice doggy.
I thought you said
your dog did not bite.
That is not my dog.
Anything I can get you, boss?
I can't stand it any longer.
Get me a dentist!
Dr. Shurtz lives here...
but he has gone fishing.
I don't know.
I will tell him.
Did I hear you say
a doctor lives here?
He's a doctor and a dentist.
He made mein teeth for me.
They want him up at the castle.
Up at the castle?
Where can I find him?
Dr. Shurtz has gone fishing.
- He probably won't be back until...
- Show me his zimmer.
- Hmm?
- His room!
Hello!
It's Dr. Shurtz
from the village, you know.
Oh, excuse me, sir.
- Dr. Shurtz is here.
- Where?
Ah, here, Doctor.
Please hurry.
I am in agony.
All will be well soon.
- Did you hurt yourself?
- Yes.
The burn.
I can set it later.
- Please hurry.
- First of all, I will need...
some hot water and towels.
Get some hot water, Harry,
and lock the door.
- I don't want to be disturbed.
- And lock the door, Harry.
He does not wish
to be disturbed, you know.
Please, Doctor, hurry.
I can't stand the pain.
Yes. Now, then let me see.
- Ow.
- What?
- My eye.
- I thought it was your tooth.
- But it is my tooth.
- I wish you would make your mind up.
I don't normally make castle calls
in the middle of the night.
Doctor.
Wait while l...
Yes, that's...
There it is.
Now, open wide, please.
Now, let me see.
Tell me when this hurts.
Is it that one?
Is it that one?
Ah, there is the naughty one.
- Are you going to pull it?
- Pull it?
Yes, of course I will pull it.
Please give me something
to put me out.
Put you out?
Yes. Here, first you must wear...
this special anesthetic
cotton wool, you know.
Wear it over the eyes.
On no account look out from under it.
That will ruin the whole effect
of the anesthetic on the eyes.
- You want me to hold it like that?
- Hold it like that on the eyes...
while I get some...
Please hurry, Doctor.
I can't stand the pain.
Yes. Coming soon.
What are you doing?
Just rearranging the furniture...
in order to give you
the full effect of the anesthetic.
Doctor, I'm in agony!
Not for much longer.
That was hell down there.
What's wrong?
Whoever built this house
put the stairs in the wrong place.
Do you mean
you fell down the stairs?
I was preoccupied
with the anesthetic, you know.
It's really hot in here,
isn't it?
Now, the...
anesthetic.
"Nitrous oxide."
What's that?
That is the anesthetic,
you know.
Oh, good.
Yes, it is good, yes.
Please, Doctor,
the pain is getting worse.
Please, hurry up.
A few whiffs of this,
and you won't feel a thing.
- All right.
- Now, breathe deeply.
- How's that?
- It's fine.
How do you feel?
A little dizzy.
- What's so funny?
- I don't know. Nothing.
- Then why are you laughing?
- I don't know.
- Why are you laughing?
- Because I can't help it.
Yes.
I love it.
- Come on.
- It's gonna hurt.
Good. Lovely.
I will have to use more leverage.
I don't know what you gave me,
Doctor...
but it's giving me hallucinations.
Your whole face has changed.
It has?
How's this?
Grotesque!
We just got word, boss.
Clouseau is still alive.
I knew it.
He has pulled the wrong tooth.
There's only one man
who would pull the wrong tooth.
It's Clouseau.
Kill him.
Get Fassbender and his daughter
into the control room.
What about Clouseau?
Priorities.
First I will pick a target.
Then Clouseau.
Now we'll see
who has the last laugh.
They've all betrayed me,
and now they will have to pay.
What shall I destroy?
Buckingham Palace? Too small.
How about London?
Not big enough.
England! Yes, England.
Good-bye, Piccadilly
Farewell, Leicester Square
You are just in time,
Professor.
Within five minutes,
I shall destroy England.
England!
No more cricket.
No more warm beer, Professor.
No more fish and chips.
No more...
England!
Do something.
You brought it on yourself.
It's too late.
Wait!
Do something!
Come back! Help me!
Look!
You've gotta help me.
Help, Professor!
Cato, my little yellow friend,
I'm home.
I gave Cato the night off.
But what has happened
to my room?
Darling?
My darling.
Darling, sing to me.
Sing to you? Oh.
Come to me
And the world
It will be ours tonight
Where did you go?
- Your voice?
- Yes, that was my voice.
That was my voice singing
a little song we used to sing...
in the Resistance
to keep up the courage.
Was it hard for you
in the Resistance?
Very hard, but not as hard
as it is now.
Darling, relax.
Resistance is over.
My darling.
My beautiful darling.
What?