The Standoff (2016) Movie Script

Zane, Zane, Zane. Wait, can
you hear this song right now?
This is, like, my favorite song.
Zane, wait, hold on.
Wait, shh, seriously.
I'm talking right now.
Listen, can you hear the song?
Can you hear...
If you can hear it, you
should sing along with me.
It'll be like a duet.
It's super romantic.
- - Did you hear the song?
You don't? Well, I think you
should like my singing.
That's mean of you to say.
Yeah, I know I got all the words wrong.
I've only heard it once,
but it's, like, the best.
No, shut up, I have a
really good voice.
Hey, Zane?
How do you spell
I'll never get over it.
Because it was the sixth
worst day of my life.
You've seen my list, okay?
I'm never gonna forget that.
What the... turtle?
Wow. So, this is your
big birthday surprise?
Yep. You know, I think
my dad misunderstood
when I told him I wanted
something "small and sporty."
Yeah, well, it
definitely is small.
You know, I had all these dreams
of packing up the
trunk of my new car
and driving off to college,
independent and adventurous
and in charge of my own destiny.
Now I'm more likely to get
run over by a semi truck
before I even hit the suburbs.
Here, you could use this.
Is there something
wrong with my hair?
Uh, no, nope. I just think
you need a little touch-up.
Oh, yep.
Like, all up in there, yeah.
Okay, yeah you... it's better.
Much better.
- Oh!
- You look good.
You know, the blue
is pretty, though.
It's, like, good for your
skin tone, your eyes.
I'm feeling it.
- My eyes are brown, though.
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- That was what I said.
- Okay.
- Come on, we're gonna be late.
Here's your brush.
Came out of nowhere, like
some kind of ninja turtle,
which I think is where
they got the title from.
Anyway, if it wasn't for
my fear of retribution
from animal rights activists, I
would've just mowed the thing down,
but I made the conscious
decision to, like,
swerve out of the way
and save its life
- because I'm a hero.
- Yeah.
Well, they don't really go over the
whole turtle thing in driver's ed.
They don't, which is
extremely upsetting to me,
because it put a serious
dent in my dream
to be a taxi driver-
slash-male model.
Dude, that was
never gonna happen.
- I couldn't be a taxi driver?
- No, I'm sorry.
On the plus side, a scooter
is super easy to park.
I guess so.
- And it's environmentally friendly.
- True, that's good.
And on the weekends, you can
make Chinese food deliveries.
- Mmm, okay.
- Specifically to me.
As if my day wasn't bad enough.
Where is that obnoxious weasel?
I just don't understand why my
dad won't get me another car.
It's every teenager's right
to have a car, okay?
That's in the constitution.
Thomas Jefferson was
all over that one.
I'm actually kinda on your
dad's side about this one.
Because this is like the
third car you've totaled.
Like everyone hasn't
been through that.
It's part of learning
how to drive!
- I've never totaled...
- Whoa. Ahem!
No. No, no,
no, no, no.
You know, you can be
arrested for that?
- Oh, can I?
- Uh-huh.
Arrested, for committing
this public service?
This is part of my campus
beautification initiative.
You can read about it
in my five-step program,
"how Farrell Bennett
will become president."
Okay, yeah, you know, if you wanted
to clean this campus, Farrell,
- you'd leave it.
- I would never leave this campus.
Did you hear the news? Big Jim is having
a contest. You can win a new car!
I could win a new car.
That's what we were just talking about.
It's fate... thank you.
I don't know who that guy is.
Bye, friend.
- We'll finish this later.
- Yes, we will.
Let's go, Emerson.
- Uh...
- Okay, em, come on.
- Emerson.
Hey, there!
I'm big Jim!
Like you don't already know.
And as always, I'm here
at big Jim's car depot,
- with my loyal dog, Bo!
Hey, wave hi there, Bo!
Now listen up. Here at
big Jim's car depot,
we feel your pain.
You're a teenager, and all
you want is a new car.
Well, how would you
like to win this car?
It's as simple as putting
your hand on this beauty,
and then it's all about
who wants it the most.
The teen who can stand with their
hand on this car the longest
drives her home.
If you're between the ages
of 16 and 19, you can enter,
just text "dreamcar"
to 06578.
Don't you get caught sittin'
in the slow Lane for too long.
You may get left in the dust!
- Come on, Bo!
Okay, so I downloaded an app that will
robotext in entries to the contest,
I've calculated
that by 3:00,
I'll have entered
1.2 million times.
- Oh, you're gonna win.
- Oh yeah.
Wait, dude, this is
the wrong number.
No, it's not. Maybe it is.
I don't care.
- It'll get there, okay? I promise.
- Okay.
Wanna get lunch?
Therefore, fellow citizens
of these great classrooms,
I guarantee that if elect...
Excuse me...
When elected class president,
I will endeavor to
eliminate nuclear weapons,
not only from this campus,
but from the entire world.
I will make the
importation of ivory
illegal in all classrooms
in the upper school.
And I will negotiate
a unilateral
that will effectively end the
war with the junior class.
And also, I want to reinstate the
soda machines in the cafeteria
because we don't want no stinkin'
juice boxes anymore, yes!
- Oh, okay.
You guys have been great vote
Farrell, not Amy. Thank you.
Tell 'em, Amy!
Not only does my opponent
promise the impossible,
he promises
the incomprehensible.
- Love you, girl!
- Elect me as your president,
and I promise to have
my opponent expelled.
- Whoo!
- Yes.
- Yes. Whoo!
- They're announcing the contestants
for big Jim's dream car contest
- right now, online!
- It's mine. It's my phone.
- Let me just see.
- Hi, I'm Maya.
- And I'm Mia, and together...
We're M&M.
- And we're here to introduce to you
all the things you don't
want to miss out on.
Today, we're giving you an
up close and personal look
of the totally awesome teens who
have been chosen to be contestants
in big Jim's dream car contest.
Let's meet them now.
Here's contestant number one.
I am so stoked to be
the first dude chosen.
I mean, some may question the physical
toughness it takes to compete
in such a grueling sporting
endeavor, but I say
your "physical" is my
"metaphysical," man.
I'm all about the
adrenaline, all right?
I have outrun avalanches
on my snowboard.
I have gone ice climbing on
the glaciers of Antarctica.
And I have fearlessly
surfed alongside
great white sharks
in South Africa.
Nothing is too extreme for me.
If it's got wings or wheels,
or it could end in sudden death,
oh, it's got my name
written all over it.
All right. Keep living
the dream, bros.
Here's contestant number two.
Oh, hi, everyone.
It's Sophie here.
Welcome to my awesome
channel where I clue you in
on all the latest tips and trends
in the world of beauty and fashion.
Today, we'll be discussing
the importance of sunscreen.
But, before I get into that,
though, I want to share
with all of my thousands of
super close friends out there
the incredible news that I have
been picked to participate
in big Jim's dream car contest!
Now I know,
there are a ton of you
who are probably thinking,
"OMG, she's already beautiful
and now she's lucky too?"
And you may be feeling just
a little bit left out,
but, not to worry,
I have got you covered.
As always, I will be
documenting everything
that happens during the contest,
on YouTube, Twitter, vine, Instagram,
Snapchat, Pinterest, Wechat,
Foursquare, Habbo,
Odnoklassniki, Renren,
and of course, my own website.
So you'll all be able to go on
this very special journey with me.
And don't forget to like me.
It lets me know you care.
So now, on to my
beauty tip of the day.
Sunscreen. You should
totally wear it.
Here's contestant number three.
I'm a three-time
Indy champion.
I took first place in Daytona
and Talladega in the same day!
I completed the 24 hours
of Le mans in 22 hours!
No one's more qualified to win
this competition than me.
Here's contestant number four.
I'm Lala Zzyzx.
You know, how in every teen movie
there's that awkward shy girl
who just needs
a transforming makeover
so that she can win the affections
of a good-looking, popular boy?
Well, that's not me.
My hair may not be as shiny
as yours or my teeth as white
or my clothes as literally cool.
You may not invite me to your
parties or even know that I exist.
But guess what?
I don't care.
Because I'm smarter than you.
I'm captain of the science team.
We're three-time
state champs.
Oh, you don't think that's cool?
It's not.
It's freezing,
as in the formula for
freezing-point depression,
but you probably don't know that
because you've been too busy playing
that dumb app with the mad birds,
an app that I invented, by
the way, when I was nine!
So you may ignore me
and my friends now,
but one day when we're
tech billionaires,
you'll be fetching us coffee
and picking up our hoodies
from the dry cleaners.
Winning a car at big Jim's?
I don't need to be
better-looking, or stronger,
or tougher, or more
popular than you to win.
I just need to be me.
Here's contestant number five.
Whoo! Colby Mann, defensive end,
r-r-Roosevelt high!
My game plan to win
this car is simple.
I'll use my superior
athletic conditioning
to send each and every
one of my opponents
at home on a stretcher
in absolute tears.
Until I remain
the last one standing
and I take home
the championship.
Go Spartans!
I wasn't ready!
Can we do that again?
Here's contestant number six.
I think everyone
should give back.
It's really our
duty as Americans.
Personally, I get up
at 4:00 A.M. every day
to work at the donut shop,
then head to work at the
rock quarry after school.
But... mmm.
But I still find time every
week to volunteer here,
helping out good citizens like Mr.
Here you go.
That's what my dad
taught me to do.
He's away fighting in Canada,
defending our country,
but he said, "son,
everyone can serve in some way,
even if it's just by
serving our fellow man."
And contestant number seven.
Yeah, yo.
Wow, Mia, those sure are
seven lucky teenagers.
Wait a second.
Did you say "seven"?
I did say "seven."
But there should be
eight contestants.
Well, silly, the eighth
one is a surprise.
They don't even know
they've been picked yet.
- From Northside high...
Contestant number eight
of big Jim's dream
car contest is...
- Farrell Bennett!
- What?
Yes! Oh, yes, I win.
I win, everyone.
Thank you so much. I don't
care about this anymore.
I'm gonna win a car!
Yes, we did it.
- Ooh!
- It's kinda scary.
It's horrifying.
Look at this, man. This is
where it all goes down.
This is the end of the road.
This is for all the marbles.
This is where we separate
the men from the boys.
This is for the whole
kit and kaboodle.
- You make that up?
- No. That's legit.
"Kit and kaboodle." People
say that all the time.
- No.
- Yes.
- You don't even know what a kaboodle is.
- It's a...
It's a Korean poodle.
A "kaboodle."
You didn't know that?
Very aggressive breed of dog.
- My money's on him to win.
- Thank you, Zane.
concussion brain.
I'm gonna spell this out for you
because you probably can't read.
- "F," as in "failure."
You know, Dorka, I hear you've been
talking trash about winning this.
Oh, I don't talk trash.
I talk truth.
Words aren't gonna help you
win this competition, babe.
This is all physical,
and I've been trainin'.
Really? How do you
train for this?
Well, I've been
standing around a lot.
- 11 hours, 23 minutes.
- What's that?
How long you been
hanging out with your
"doctor who" action
figures last night?
No. That's how long you'll
last in this competition,
according to our
scientific calculations.
It's just like,
he's a football player,
and you're not.
Like, he's used to
physical punishment.
I think the last thing you
tackled was a bag of Cheetos.
I carried this cooler.
Oh, look at this guy.
Thinks he's all that.
He is all that. He's all
that with a side of fries.
Why's he need a car? He's
already got a motorcycle.
I know, right? He's probably
just getting the car
so he can jump over it on
his stupid motorcycle.
I'm sorry.
My money and everything else
is on her to win.
Sorry, man.
I forgive you.
It's understandable.
You're the guy
from the cat videos!
Hey, and you're the girl
in the girl videos.
I love rapping cat. I retweet
everything he says, he's so funny.
I don't know where he comes
up with some of that stuff.
Actually, he comes up with
that stuff through me.
Oh. Right.
'Cause he can't type
with his little paws.
And he can't rap either,
because, you know, he's a cat?
Why isn't he here?
Because he's at
home, being a cat.
I see you've got your entourage.
Oh, that's a crazy cat lady.
She follows me everywhere.
She wants to meet
the rapping cat,
but I'm afraid she
wants to eat him.
Well, as far as I'm concerned,
any fan is a good fan.
Speaking of fans, where
are your supporters?
I have all the friends
I need right here.
- Well, good luck.
- You too. Oh... okay.
Hi! Oh.
All right, I gotta
go set up camp.
- Gotta represent, buddy, okay?
- Gotta represent!
All right, you gotta win one
for all the semi-intelligent,
moderately handsome
guys out there.
They need me as their leader.
- Be the leader!
- Be the leader!
- Be the leader!
- Meditate, meditate.
- You got it.
- I'm ready.
- You got it.
- Okay. Don't drop that.
All right.
- I miss you.
- Miss you too.
Hey, you're Farrell, right?
- Contestant number eight.
- Yeah.
You must be Chris, right?
Number seven.
Actually, I'm number one. Or
I will be when this is over.
Just messing with you, man.
Actually, you know, I'm kind
of pulling for all of us.
We all deserve to win.
Just that...
Maybe some of us deserve it a
little bit more than others?
Are you messing with me again?
I can't really tell when
you're being serious.
Oh, look at her.
Beautiful, isn't she?
I don't know.
Kind of like in a
Kardashian way, I guess?
She's not really my type,
though, but like I see how...
Oh, no.
Not her.
Oh, my goodness.
You... are...
A total...
Seriously, tool,
get out of my car.
Your car?
Unless you came here
with a checkbook today,
this ain't your car.
No, no, I'm not gonna...
Not gonna buy a car.
I'm gonna win one.
It turns out,
didn't realize
he actually had to leave his
house to be in the contest.
So they had to draw
for a replacement...
- No.
- And guess...
- No!
- Who they picked.
- No!
Ah! How do I look with the car?
Good, right?
What do you think, huh?
What are you doing?
I'm just testing out the waters.
Look, I'm already athletic
and good-looking.
All I need now is a cool car
and I can get any girl I want.
Really? That's why
you want the car?
So you can score chicks?
That's the only reason any
guy wants a car like this,
'cause a girl finds a guy more
attractive if he drives a nice car.
And that's a scientific fact.
Am I right?
So "scientifically" speaking,
what kind of car does a girl need
to drive to get a guy's attention?
A guy could care less
what car a girl drives.
We only care about the
way that you look.
That's not a scientific fact.
That's biology.
Am I right?
That is so neanderthal of you.
And why do you want the car?
Because I want to prove
that a strong mind
is more powerful
than a strong body.
So this contest is just a
science experiment for you?
It's as good a reason as any other.
Why do you want the car?
I'm using this contest to boost
my social media profile.
Same with Jerome.
Yo, I just want to be able to do something
without a cat for once, you know?
Okay, does anyone actually want
the car just to have the car?
I do. I want it so I can jump
over it on my motorcycle.
I knew it! I knew it, dude!
Do you remem...
Oh, you weren't there when
I said that, I'm sorry.
Okay, so you don't
even need the car?
- That doesn't seem fair.
- Fair?
Oh, we're talking about fair
stuff now, are we, Amy?
Your dad's rich.
You could buy any car you want.
Why are you here?
Just because she's rich
doesn't mean she can't win.
We all have our reasons
for being here.
Yeah, what's yours? You want
to donate the car to charity
so you can, like, save
a handicapped whale
or an underprivileged
puma or something?
Actually i...
I wanted the car
so I could sell it and pay for
my mom's kidney transplant,
before it's too late.
I'm just kidding!
- My mom is fine!
- That's a horrible joke.
I just wanted the car to give it
to her so she didn't have to walk
to her job as a janitor
at the prison every day.
It's 15 miles each way,
and it gets cold in the winter.
- Hi, I'm Maya.
- And I'm Mia
- and together...
- We're M&M.
And we're here at big Jim's
for the start of
his dream car contest.
As you can see, all of
the lucky contestants
are already here
surrounding the car.
If I were them, I'd be sitting
down as much as I could right now.
That's because you tend
to be a little bit lazy
and let other people
do the work for you.
Let's say hi!
Here we have Jerome Bryant.
You all know him as the
man behind rapping cat.
Literally, he's the guy who
stands behind rapping cat.
And then we have none other
than Sophie Jackson,
- Internet sensation.
- Maya: Aw!
She's almost as pretty in
person as she is online.
- Then we have Klyde Kosar.
- And Colby Mann,
our stud muffin athletes.
I love athletes.
They're so athletic.
- Call me So do I, although
a few more sit-ups
wouldn't kill you, Colby.
And then we have all the rest.
Big honor to be here.
- Do you hear that?
- Hear what?
The sound of dreams
about to come true?
It's big Jim!
Hey there! Hello!
How you doing? Hey there,
good to see you, pardner.
Hey, how's it going?
Hey, hi, everybody!
Welcome to my car depot!
It's great havin' you here,
I was just telling Bo.
It's like having a family over
for a barbecue, ain't it, Bo?
We should be servin' hot dogs
or something, shouldn't we?
No, no, no, we ain't...
We ain't here
for hot dogs today.
- We here for hot rods.
- All right!
We are here for that
magnificent machine.
Ain't she a beauty? And one
of you beautiful youngsters
is gonna take that
car home very soon.
Or maybe not so soon?
Who knows?
We may be here a few hours,
we may be here a few weeks.
I don't know.
But before we get started,
I do have to tell you a few
things that I am legally bound
to communicate
in your direction.
So, girls?
Participation in this contest
can result in,
but is not limited to,
swelling in the feet
and lower legs,
numbness in the hands,
confusion, dizziness,
severe constipation,
nausea and vomiting,
muscle aching,
neck pain, sleeplessness,
sudden vision loss,
deep vein thrombosis
and in some cases,
spontaneous combustion and sudden death.
Good luck!
Well, whoa, whoa,
whoa, there, girls,
nobody's gonna die, okay?
Maybe from happiness, but not from
standing around for a few hours.
Thank you, girls.
Anyways, I can tell what
you all are thinkin'.
You're thinkin', "I'm
just standin' here now.
Why don't we get
this thing goin'?"
Well, there are a few things
that you need to know
before we start.
First off, you will get one
10-minute break
every two hours
at the top of the hour.
Now you can eat, drink
or pee, I don't care.
Just as long as you're back in
time, 'cause if you're not,
you're out!
And when you hear this sound...
Ooh, that means that someone's
time here has come to an end.
Next, do not
under any circumstances
lift your hand off the car,
except for on a break.
If you lift your hand
even the teeniest,
Li-ttlest bit...
You're out!
And next, no sittin'.
Just stand there with
your hand on the car.
It's as simple as that.
Last man... or woman...
wins that magnificent machine.
And one last thing.
You are all on the honor system.
If you see any of your fellow
contestants lift their hand,
you are obligated to report it.
But to avoid any kind
of moral conundrum,
two of you have to see it
for it to be official.
Helps keep things
on the up-and-up.
Are we clear?
- Everybody ready?
Good luck.
Girls, count 'em down.
Ten, nine, eight,
seven, six, five,
four, three, two,
one, go!
Dude, whoa.
Are you okay?
How can they expect us to do this, man?
We're just kids.
Oh, this is so brutal.
I don't know how much
longer I can last.
Hang in there, man.
Just breathe.
I can't see.
I can't breathe!
I can't feel...
I can't feel my legs!
Okay, two people
saw that, right?
It was 11 minutes, 23 seconds.
Not 11 hours, 23 minutes.
If this would've been
a Mathcathalon,
that would've
cost us everything.
Would you look at that?
Kids these days, huh?
With their world wide web
and their "on demand."
Just ain't willin' to put
in the time, are they?
Bo, why don't you go clean
up that big, gold mess, huh?
11 minutes. That's sad.
That's sad.
That's just sad right there.
A tragic turn of events today
as Colby Mann collapsed
and died mere moments
into the contest.
- I'm not dead. He
will be dearly missed.
One down, six to go, ha.
Do you ever do anything in
life without posting it?
The real question is,
if I don't post it,
- did it ever really happen?
Well, things certainly have
picked up around here,
haven't they, huh?
I got a feeling this contest
may just work out for us.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna go sell me some cars.
Bo, why don't you go
fetch some brochures?
Aw, come on, big guy.
I wasn't tryin' to
be disrespectful.
You know what?
You look tired.
Why don't you just
take a load off?
Sit, boy!
Aw, come on, now!
It's just a joke.
You don't have to actually sit.
Stay... stay!
Oh, come on now. I'm just
playin' with you, Bo.
Huh? Let's
talk this out.
Speak, good boy!
It's been one hour
and 58 minutes,
and this contest has gone
from friendly to fierce,
from chummy to cutthroat.
From serene to...
To... to...
- What's an "s" word?
- "Stupid."
You're looking for a word
that starts with an "s."
It's not that hard, sister.
Oh, two in a row.
I don't know what's
going on between you two,
but we're already in
a competition, okay?
- We don't need another.
- Seriously.
You guys aren't trending at all.
I've posted like five things about
you and you have zero likes.
It's kinda sad.
Okay, first of all, there's
no competition here.
At least not from my side.
She's competing with me,
but she just always has.
Oh, really?
Is that right?
Yes, that is right. It all
started when we were six,
and you just swooped in out
of nowhere and stole my crown
- for the...
- The what?
At the junior sunburst
beauty pageant.
Yeah, because that
pageant was for girls.
That was never specifically
defined in the rulebook!
Okay, well, how about the time
that you joined the girl scouts,
just to prove you could
sell more cookies than me.
Yeah, and I did sell more cookies
than you, and you cried.
I did not. He's lying.
I did not.
Middle school. How you
convinced our basketball coach
to make you center
instead of me.
Well, it's not my fault you
hadn't hit puberty yet.
Ninth grade, how you challenged
me in the spelling bee,
and that whole
competition was fixed
- - for you to win,
and you know that.
"Fixed?" If by "fixed," you mean
you actually had to
know your vowels,
then yes, everybody,
it was fixed.
You know what?
By the way, I do know
how to spell a word.
It's a hard one. Let's
see if I can do it.
"Amy," b-r-a-t.
Aw, that is the cutest thing.
Have you been practicing with
your alphabet soup again?
You know what, you are
just so salty right now,
because someone failed
a class this year!
- It was P.E.
- Yeah, who fails gym?
I failed because I
refused to participate
in a potentially life-threatening
sporting activity!
- Ping-pong?
- Yeah! Okay, ping-pong!
Thousands of people die each
year from playing ping-pong!
Oh, you googled that, Amy,
because that is a lie!
Oh, I just...
Google that, why don't
you, Amy?" Ooh!
Oh, I cannot stand that
obnoxious little jerk!
He just knows how to push every
single one of my buttons.
Every last one!
It's like he's this
sniper that's just
picking off all of these
pieces of my soul.
Get out of my chair. I'm
mad and I need a friend.
She is the most annoying,
person who has ever
walked on the face
of this planet.
I have had to deal with him
since the first grade.
Year after year,
for 11 years, Emerson, 11!
- Scone?
- Please.
You know what she's like?
She's like this little worm
that's burrowed its
way into my my mind,
and she's just eating away at it
with her mindless,
endless chatter.
Um, who are we talking about?
- Amy!
- Oh, Amy?
I like Amy.
She's not that bad.
Not so bad? She's the
definition of bad!
B-a-d. The "a" stands for "Amy."
See that?
I know my vowels!
I am beginning to think that
his only reason for existence
is to torture me, because
there doesn't seem to be
any other evolutionary reason
as to why he is on this planet.
Well, at least he's not
too bad to look at.
You know, he's got that kinda
tall, cute hair thing.
I'm just saying, all right?
If you have to stand
around someone for that long,
it helps that they're cute.
Oh, my gosh.
Is the world ending?
Because you calling him "cute" is like
the third sign of the apocalypse.
- Jam?
- Thank you.
Ooh, elderberry.
I love elderberry.
- It's so good.
- So good, right?
- Delicious, oh.
- What was I saying?
Oh, yeah, I was
talking about how much
I hate Farrell Bennett.
What are we gonna do? I
cannot stand her anymore.
Whiz me.
We have to figure out a
way to take him out.
- Clotted cream?
- Clotted cream?
You think of everything.
I try.
Well, you know what they say.
Anyhow, you know what they say.
The way to get a woman
is through her heart.
The way to get to a man
is through his stomach.
- Well, they are right.
- Oh, my gosh, you're right.
- They do say that.
- Yeah, they do.
- I just got an idea.
- I have an idea.
I need my phone. I need my phone!
I'm a genius.
- But I'm gonna need your help.
- Okay, I'm in.
I knew it.
Little miss type a, going
to the car already.
I guarantee she just wants
to be the first one there
to prove how perfect
she is to everyone.
How much time is left
on the clock, chief?
Um, looks like you got about...
10 seconds.
Ten, nine...
- Thanks, dude.
- Eight, seven,
six, five, four,
three, two, one...
- He made it.
- Ooh, how awkward.
Hey, everyone!
It's Sophie here.
It's been seven hours and there
are still seven of us left!
Honestly, it hasn't been as hard
as I thought it was gonna be.
I mean, I waited four times as
long in line for the new iPhone.
Okay, well,
I'll update you guys when the
next one bites the dust.
Until then, hugs and kisses.
I always get more attention
when I do the kiss at the end.
- People like that.
- Is that really
what you want to be
known for, though?
Talkin' about
yourself on camera?
It's not about
what you're known for,
it's about being known at all.
I mean, we all want
people to know we exist.
I don't. I don't care if
anybody knows I exist.
Of course you do.
That's why you look
the way you do.
That's why you enter all
those brainiac competitions.
I mean, everything about you
screams "look how smart I am!"
I mean, it's not like you're
hiding in a laboratory somewhere.
I just want to share my
knowledge with people.
Yeah, we all want
to share something.
I mean, Jerome
has his cat thing,
and Klyde jumps through, like,
flaming hoops or something.
We all just want the world
to know that we're here.
Think I'm with Lala on this one.
I'm not like that at all. I
don't even have social media.
Oh. Well,
you're just weird.
All you care about is
that Amy knows you exist.
- Amy?
- Mm-hmm.
That's not even kind of true.
Oh, okay, yeah. Okay.
Why are you laughing?
It's the same with you.
No, come on.
- It's actually kinda true.
- Yeah, sorry, but it's true.
See? We all want someone
to know we exist.
You done good,
Emerson. Mmm.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What's up?
Just makin' some brownies.
Here. This one's
for you.
For me?
Wow, thanks.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my gosh.
Hey, I mean, just because Amy
and Farrell can't get along,
- doesn't mean we can't.
- I totally agree.
You know, as a peace offering,
I think I should make a
brownie for Farrell too.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- You're so nice.
- I know.
Hey, could you get me some
more chocolate chips?
I think they're down
there in my basket.
Could you do it now?
- Oh, you want 'em now?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, cool, man.
- Yeah, cool.
There we go.
- I got 'em.
- Oh, cool.
Are you wearing my shirt?
No, this is my shirt.
Well, it looks a
lot like my shirt.
- You mean the one you're wearing?
- What?
Who is that?
That's Jack Guthrie,
the most popular,
most attractive guy
at Northside high.
How do you know who he is? You
don't even go to our school.
It's Jack Guthrie!
You think you can keep
a guy who looks like
that all to yourself?
Psst. Psst!
- Hey, Amy.
- Hi, Jack.
Would you accept this rose?
You know, I've been thinking.
The prom is just
around the corner.
- In five months.
- In five months.
And I was wondering, well, if
you don't have any other plans,
you'd maybe like to go with me.
Wait, me?
Oh, my gosh!
Yeah, yeah, of course!
I'd love that.
Well, let's go.
Um, but it's in five months.
Well, I'm sure you need
to pick out a dress
and do your hair
and all that stuff,
so we should probably just,
you know, get going.
I'll go with you right now.
- I'll go anywhere with you.
- I'm sorry.
It can't be you. I'm
supposed to ask her.
You're supposed...?
Who told you to ask me?
No one.
Just take my hand
and we'll be on our way.
Seriously? This is
the best you can do?
You thought by dangling some
shiny object in front of me
I would be tempted
to leave the contest?
Question, do you have
any self-respect?
- Not really.
- Okay, yeah. Thought so.
Nice try, Farrell!
Better luck next time.
What was that?
I told you to ask her
on a date, today!
Not to prom in five months!
You think I'm giving you 200
bucks for that performance
of a lifetime, you got
another think coming, pal.
Well, you still owe me 50 bucks.
- For what?
- My appearance fee.
Oh, and $18.95
for the roses.
Keep the change.
Buy a brain!
Hey, miss congeniality!
It's not a beauty competition.
If it was a beauty competition,
there'd be no competition.
You know, you could be
pretty if you wanted to.
So you're saying I'm not pretty?
Oh, no.
Let me rephrase.
You could be prettier
if you wanted to.
What if I don't want to, okay?
What if I'm fine
just the way I am?
I think you're afraid
of being pretty.
I think you're afraid of
the attention you'd get.
- That's not true.
- Isn't it?
I mean, you hide
behind your brains,
and you let your hair grow out
like an over-fertilized chia pet
and you dress like a boy,
and not even a cute one.
I mean, if you just changed
a few little things,
everyone could see how
beautiful you really are.
I don't need to be beautiful, okay?
I'm smart.
But why can't you be both?
- Step into my office.
- So surprisingly strong.
Dude, how's it goin'?
Is this really all we have left?
What kind of Sherpa are you?
How about a brownie?
A brownie?
I love brownies.
This is... oh.
- This is so good!
- I know, it's so good.
I want you to have these.
Token of my appreciation. I
appreciate you, you know that?
- You got these for me?
- For you.
- Thank you, man.
- Mm-hmm.
That makes me feel so special.
You are.
And so is this brownie.
Well done.
Oh, I'm in such a good mood now.
Thank you, I really needed this.
- Okay.
- I really needed this. All right.
- Go kill it, buddy.
- I'm gonna win.
Go get us a car!
You look amazing!
- I feel amazing.
- Ooh.
Yeah, this should fit you.
You have to try it on.
How many clothes did you bring?
Oh, I brought
my entire wardrobe.
Okay, I'll give
you some privacy.
It's time to show the
world the real Lala...
Whatever your last name is!
Nobody ever gets that.
Oh, that's good.
- Hey, where's Lala?
- I don't know.
- Who's that?
- Is that her?
Wait, what?
It can't be. I know
that I'm not late.
I just checked
the time on my phone.
I mean, I
You changed the time on my phone
so that I wouldn't
get back here in time!
All I did was give
you a makeover.
You look amazing, by the way.
I look like you!
Yeah. Like I said,
you look amazing.
How could you?
You know, I thought that for
a minute, we were friends.
No, we could still be friends.
I'll pick you up in my car when
I win, and we can go shopping.
I'm sorry to interrupt,
little lady,
but I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave.
It's over for you.
I won't forget this.
You may have outsmarted me
but I am smarter than you!
Oh, you just wait.
You'll regret this!
You are gonna rue the day you
ever messed with Lala Zzyzx!
I'm gonna miss her, huh?
- She's a feisty one.
- She looked good, though.
You okay, man?
Uh... Fine, yeah. No, I'm fine.
- Hey, what's up?
- Hi.
Hey, um...
So, you know,
I've always kind of...
Admired you from afar.
I guess you could say I've
had a bit of a crush on you.
But because of the whole
Farrell-Amy thing,
I've never really gotten a
chance to know you, you know?
Um, so I was wondering,
will you accept these flowers?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Ah, that's okay.
- Okay.
My knees hurt,
so I'm gonna get up.
Hi! It's Sophie here.
I am still here.
It's like this
is never gonna frickin' end.
You know what? Here's
my tip of the day.
Never do this.
Oh, will you stop it?
Can't you see we're all exhausted?
Stop being so energetic.
You knew what you were signing up for.
This is an endurance contest.
I came to win, all right?
You know what? I think the
winner of this contest
should be based on popularity,
not perseverance.
Yeah, but if that was the
case, Jerome would win
- because he has
more followers than y...
- than you.
- He doesn't, his cat does.
The cat does, right.
You don't look so good.
Well, I feel amazing, so...
- I'm gonna be fine.
You know, maybe this contest
should be based on need.
If that were the case, Chris
probably deserves it most.
- No, he doesn't.
- Guys, I'm willing to fight for this
just like the rest of you.
I'm sure we all really need it.
Well, one of us
already had a car,
and wrecked it.
Personally, I think you've
already had a chance,
you should step aside for
those more deserving.
Oh, personally, I think that
you're a spoiled brat, so...
Oh, god, if this were
based on who deserves it,
then you'd be
the first one to go.
Okay, I know you're not
feeling good, okay?
- The bathroom's right there.
- I feel fine. I feel fine.
I could really use a
break, though, hey.
- Yes!
- Hey, twins! When's the break?
- Oh, less than a minute.
- Yikes.
- Oh, my god.
- Farrell, I don't think
- you're gonna make it
to the break.
I'm gonna make it.
I'm gonna make it.
I'm gonna make it.
Oh, god!
Something's coming!
- Which end is it coming from?
- I don't know!
What do we do?
What do we do?
We're not gonna make it!
- We're not gonna make it!
- We're gonna die!
- Come on. Come on!
Get out of my way!
Aw, dude, come on. There's
like five minutes left.
I really gotta use the
bathroom, come on.
Back off.
A little privacy, please.
All right, I'm gonna see if there's
another bathroom in the garage.
All right, hold my place, please?
Just in case?
Ah, god, okay.
- Oh, yeah.
- That's the stuff.
Oh, come on.
All right.
Ah... hello?
Door... door is...
Door is stuck.
You put somethin' in his
brownie, didn't you?
- You're so clever!
- And you're so cute.
Is anyone there?
Come on, come on, I gotta
get out of here! Hello?
- - Oh, help me.
Whoa! Okay,
what is...
What is going on here?
Ahem! Emerson!
He is the enemy!
You know, to be honest, I just
feel embarrassed for you.
You know, if you were to
see yourself right now,
you'd realize just how
far you've fallen.
Yeah, don't come crying to me
when you wake up one morning
and you look at
yourself in the mirror,
and you say to yourself,
"what has become of me?"
Yeah, because I will be off,
living another life that
doesn't involve... That.
Can I at least have
something to eat?
Wow, thanks.
I bet you think you're
real funny, don't you?
I... I don't know what
you're talking about.
Don't you think
that I don't know
that you were behind whatever...
Problem I just had.
Well, I am not saying that I
had anything to do with it,
but if I did, you totally
deserved it, Farrell.
- Hey, guys, could we have a truce?
Six, five, four...
Eh, just let 'em fight.
I mean, the more they
distract each other
the better chance
we have of winning.
- Hey, where's Klyde?
Not Klyde.
God, you guys, it's getting like
"the hunger games" around here.
Yeah, except we can't
kill each other.
Can we?
Well, thank you there, Bo.
Oh, look at them, hmm?
What with their eatin'
of the fast food,
and using Emojicons
instead of words,
and wantin' everything
They won't last much longer.
My money's
on the funny-lookin' one.
Hey, Jerome!
Hey, Jerome.
Hey, it's me.
Everyone's laughing
at you, Jerome.
They all think you're a fraud.
They all think
you're a talentless wannabe.
Give up, Jerome.
Come home and scoop my poop.
It's all
you'll ever be good for.
You're nothing without me.
Hey, crazy cat lady,
do you see that cat right there?
I'm always seeing cats.
You're nothing without me.
Oh, that's right.
Get outta here!
I'm the talented one.
I'm the one that sings.
You don't even have lips!
Did you see that cat
right there?
What cat?
It was a...
It was a big, giant,
like, horror movie cat.
It was just talking to me.
He was...
Hey, how... how about
we go get you some coffee?
Cat food?
I don't want no cat food.
- I just...
- Coffee.
I said "coffee," Jerome.
- Coffee.
- Yeah. It's this way.
Yeah, I need some coffee.
- Yeah, coffee's this way.
- He was right there.
Where are you?
Hey, buddy.
What were you doing in there?
Nothing. Little bird watching.
Just chilling.
Bird watching in a tent?
You alone in there?
You're fraternizing
with the enemy.
I don't... I don't know what
"fraternizing" means,
but if it means making out,
yeah, I've been fraternizing
quite a bit, my brother.
- Gimme a high five.
- No. No high five for you.
This was not part of the plan.
You have been compromised!
Dude, i... I have feelings
for Emerson.
What kind of feelings?
Feelings of mistrust?
Feelings of disgust?
Murderous feelings?
What kind of feelings
do you have for her, Zane?
No, like, I think I want
to ask her father
if I can court her.
"Court her?"
Are we in the 19th century?
You been watching
"downtown Abbey" again?
No, you don't understand, man...
You're right about that.
I don't, Zane.
I am very disappointed in you.
All these years of friendship
and I don't even know
who you are anymore,
but I see you've made
your choice, so fine!
You know what?
I don't need you either!
From now on, you are dead to me.
Well, what about
the basketball game Saturday?
Are we still on for that?
Yes, we're absolutely still on
for the basketball game.
- It's gonna be tight!
- So psyched.
But until then...
- You're dead to me.
- Yeah.
- You understand.
- Yeah, I get it.
This was a really good chat
for me.
- Monumental, I think.
- Dude. Wish me luck.
I'm running out of angles
for these selfies.
Even I'm getting tired
of looking at myself.
Hey Jerome, how does
the rapping cat do it?
I'm not talking about the cat.
I mean, he always looks so good
in every single one
of his photos, right?
Does he have a stylist?
Not talking about the cat.
He should come guest
in one of my segments!
We can talk about, like,
beauty and hair.
Does he deep condition?
Does he use mousse?
Which he probably calls mouse!
- Ah, I get it.
- Get it? He got it.
Can you ask him for me?
Okay! Enough about the cat
already, okay?
Can we please stop talking
about the cat?
- Just lay off the cat.
- Oh, my gosh.
You sounded just like rapping
cat when you said that!
You totally did!
Has anyone ever told you that
- you sound just like the cat?
- Okay, I don't sound like
the cat, the cat sounds like me.
Do you want to know why?
Because I am the cat.
Cats don't rap.
They don't talk.
In fact, I'm pretty sure
they don't do anything
but eat, sleep,
and pee in every other place
but the litter box
you so thoughtfully put
in a convenient location.
It was a joke, people.
I didn't know 33 million people
were going to watch this.
And I didn't know folks
were so ignorant
that they could think
that a cat...
A freaking cat...
Could rap!
It's just stupid.
I'm more than just
some backup singer
to some untalented,
ungrateful, freeloading furball.
I'm the talented one.
Okay, Jerome.
Show us!
- Come on, bring it!
- Show us!
- Come on, go Jerome!
- Come on!
- Yeah?
- Yeah!
Ah, here we go!
Jerome in the house!
Oh, man!
Does that video
really have 33 million views?
Just leave me alone.
Go home, already.
But look what I'm making
for rapping cat.
Great, now my cat has something
to snuggle with at night.
Thank you.
And then there was four.
How did you do that?
Voodoo lady.
Stay still!
You smell like pizza.
That's because
I haven't really, like,
showered in a week.
That's so cute!
I have to be honest with
you and tell you that
I am really attracted to you.
You remind me so much of my mom.
What? I remind you
of your mom?
- I mean, no. I just...
- What?
- Oh.
- Yeah, so, like,
you're... you're smart
like my mom.
You're cool like my mom,
and you're hot like my mom.
What... "hot?"
Like your mom?
What kind of a sick person
are you?
No, I mean, like, you're
not hot like my mom,
- she's hot like you.
- Yeah, that really... it doesn't help.
That's not...
That's not helping.
I don't think you
or my mom are hot.
- Just... you know what? I lied.
- Okay...
Okay, you don't smell
like pizza.
You smell gross.
Get out of my tent.
Where's my makeup bag?
Have you seen my makeup bag?
No, I haven't.
All I could find
was the stupid red lipstick.
It doesn't even match
this outfit.
I need my makeup bag.
I'm sure you're just as pretty
without makeup.
That's what they say
to ugly people!
Don't patronize me!
Get out!
Don't look at me!
Oh, god, I need to find it.
I need to find it.
Okay, come on.
Get yourself together.
You can do this.
You can do this.
You have ziplined
over volcanoes.
You can do this.
Just deep breaths.
Deep breaths, all right.
Oh, where's the light?
Where's the switch?
Come on.
There it is.
I don't know how long
I've been in here.
It could be hours. It could be days.
I'm totally...
- totally lost track
of time at this point...
What was that?
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is not happening.
This is not happening.
Okay, I want to die
in a tragic fireball accident,
okay, not in a toilet.
This is ridiculous.
Okay, come on, just breathe.
Just breathe.
I'm doing it.
I am balancing it on my head.
Oh, my apple!
- Hi, I'm Maya.
- And I'm Mia, and...
We're still here.
It's been 31 hours so far.
And five minutes. Thirty-one
hours and five minutes.
You can't forget the minutes
because every minute counts.
You were definitely adopted.
- Hey, Soph.
- Oh, hi, Lala.
Oh, what are you doing?
"At big Jim's
with the Sophie Jackson.
She's never
looked better."
No, don't.
Don't post that.
- Just did.
- No, you didn't.
I can see how
this can be so addictive.
It already has like 3,000 likes.
I'm gonna kill you!
I just thought
you wanted to be noticed!
I'm gonna shove
that phone up your...
No. No!
Stop taking pictures of me!
Stop looking at me!
Are you looking at me?
Stop looking at me!
My taste for revenge
is like pie.
It's never-ending.
- Good luck everyone.
- Thank you, Lala.
All right, so it's been 70 hours
since I left on my bike
from horseshoe trailhead.
Wait, that...
That wasn't even me.
That was James Franco
in that movie
where he cut his arm off.
I'm not cutting
my arm off, right?
That's been done.
Okay, I'm... I mean,
I could...
I could cut my leg off.
That'd be different, right?
Would it be different, though?
Oh, my god, what am I saying?
I'm losing my mind.
I am losing my mind right now.
I'm hungry.
I need food.
I need...
Oh, I need water.
So, so thirsty.
I mean, there's gotta be
water somewhere.
Think, Klyde.
Come on.
There's gotta be water.
Sink doesn't work.
God, okay, come on.
Aw, god.
Just do it.
Just do it.
Damn it.
Don't look at this.
Sooner or later
you're gonna have to look out
for yourself in this world.
I mean, life is just so tough.
You can't just let people
walk all over you.
And sometimes, if you want
to get what you want,
you have to stop trying
to be everybody's best friend.
Hey, listen, thank you
so much for listening.
I mean, it just feels so good
to talk to somebody
that understands.
Can I actually have
some of this? 'Cause...
Okay. Thank you.
- Hi, I'm Maya.
- And I'm Mia.
- And were still here!
- It's been like, a million hours,
- and yes, we're still here.
- Yep.
This is ridiculous.
How long are they going to be
standing there?
- Well, I think.
- No one cares what you think.
Well, I was just going to say...
No one cares
what you have to say.
In fact, without me,
you would have nothing to say.
That's... wha...
You know what?
I'm finished.
I'm... I'm outta here.
I am done with this stupid
competition and I'm done with you.
Without me in your life, you
would have no idea what to do!
You scared me.
I'm sorry. I need to
talk to you in private.
About what?
It makes me so angry
to see how he treats you.
In any other situation
I might have to
just give him a punch
to defend you.
- O-okay, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Yeah, but I think I can
handle him myself, so...
Well, I think that
I have a way
we can get Farrell out
of both of our lives.
- What do you mean?
- You know how big Jim said
that if two people
see someone lift their hand,
they can have them removed
from the competition?
Well, what if we see Farrell
lift his hand?
Okay, well, obviously
if we see him lift his hand
- we're gonna say something.
- No.
What if he doesn't,
and we say something?
No. No, okay?
That wouldn't be right.
I couldn't do that.
Funny, because he didn't seem
to have a problem with it
when he asked me
if I would help him
do that to you.
- Wait, what?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, he thinks
we're gonna do it
right after this,
that we're gonna get you
out of the competition.
- I can't believe he would do that.
- I know, right?
What can you do?
Oh, I know.
We can do it to him instead.
Take him completely unawares,
He'll never know what hit him.
Anyway, think about it, okay?
- Excuse me.
- Mm-hmm.
Hi, everyone.
It's Mia.
And, eh... I'm...
That was the word...
That kept me from winning
the ninth grade spelling bee.
Not that I'm bitter
or anything. Hmm.
I just did it!
- He just did it!
- I just did it!
He just did it!
He just lifted his hand!
- I... what?
- Hey! Could...
Could we get big Jim over here, please?
He lifted his hand.
No, I didn't.
What are you doing?
Well, what's going on here,
Hey, big Jim.
He... he lifted
his hand, so...
- He's out.
- Are you a psychopath?
I did not lift my hand.
Now, the rules state
that two of you
have to see it happen.
So, Princess?
He take his hand off that car?
You saw it, Amy?
She didn't see anything,
because nothing happened.
I saw it.
But it didn't happen.
He never lifted
his hand off the car.
- She's lying!
- She's not lying. Amy wouldn't lie.
Oh, yeah, maybe
you're both lying.
Yeah, maybe you're in this
together, against me.
Big Jim,
you should listen to me.
Everybody knows
I'm the good guy here.
- Good guy?
- Farrell: Ho, ho!
Yeah. You're no
good guy, dude.
Klyde, what happened to you?
I just climbed out of a sewer,
that's what happened to me.
I was stuck in the
toilet, and it was dark,
and it was scary, and...
Unspeakable things
happened in there.
I escaped by crawling
through a pipe
under the toilet,
the same toilet I've had to...
- Drink out of
for the last three weeks
to survive, so.
We saw you yesterday.
Klyde, can you just tell us
what's going on?
He locked me in the bathroom.
- Me?
- You, yeah.
That's ridiculous.
You were the only one
that knew where
I was going, okay?
- I know what you did!
- Oh, you know nothing.
Oh, I know plenty, Chris.
I've had nothing
but time to think.
I've contemplated everything
from "why does
the universe exist?"
To "what do
vegetarian zombies eat?"
Look, the point is,
I thought about you,
and all the bad things
you've done.
Oh, god.
- Don't get any closer.
- Or you'll what?
Change the time on my phone
like you did with Lala's?
Wait, you did that?
He also stole
Sophie's makeup bag.
And took Jerome's headphones
to make it seem
like the cat was talking to him.
Hold on, wait. You weren't
even here for that, though.
You hear things when you are alone
in the bathroom, all right?
It's quiet.
Wait, so you poisoned
my brownie?
No, no.
That was me.
Wait, but you had Jack Guthrie
come here
- and try and lure me away?
- That was me.
- Oh.
- But we're not talking about that right now.
We're talking about you!
- I always knew you were a fraud.
- Mm-hmm.
You said that you worked
at a donut shop
every day before school.
How is that possible?
There is not an ounce
of fat on your body.
Everyone knows
you can't be around donuts
without eating all of them.
Second, you told me you worked
at a rock quarry
every day after school.
Go ahead and feel
his hands, Klyde.
I think they feel like
a newborn baby's buttocks!
You haven't seen
a day of manual labor
in your life.
We're going in now.
You said that your father
was fighting in Canada.
Well, I googled it.
There's no war
in Canada right now.
Not a single one.
Your dad isn't serving
our country.
He's serving drinks
at a nightclub in Toronto!
I am so on to you
right now, Chris.
Global warming.
Was that you?
Bieber fever, did you do that?
What do you do
in your spare time,
hunt manatees?
And finally, you said
that you just love
working with old people.
But I know that the only
reason you have that job
is so that you can nurse
your addiction
to prune juice!
- That's a lie!
- It's the truth!
It's true.
That one was a total guess.
I need that.
Klyde, give me that!
- I need that!
You almost got me!
You almost got me.
I'm just gonna put my hand back
on the... you know.
We're all...
We're all good.
Well, son, unless you have some
mystical third hand
that none of us here
know about...
You're out.
Big Jim...
They tricked me.
And I think they should be
the ones that...
That get out
of this competition,
not... not me.
You'll pay for this, Farrell!
You will pay in retail!
And you!
I thought we had
something special.
Oh, I'll be back!
It's in my contract!
I'm back for the sequel!
Well, then.
Unless my math fails me,
I believe we are down to two.
Klyde, I am so sorry.
It's not fair
you're out of the contest.
You should at least have
another chance to win the car.
Hey, no worries, you know?
It's not about the destination,
it's about the journey,
you know?
And I got to body surf on a
hundred yards of raw sewage.
Anything after that
will be a letdown.
So, goggles.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Dude, you...
What'd you...
Did you sell my motorcycle?
Did you sell my motorcycle?
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
- What?
- I don't know!
- Me neither!
- I can't...
I didn't know
you could make pies like that.
Well, I'm a pretty good cook.
What do you want?
- I know I might be a creep...
- Hmm.
But I'm not the type of creep
who would say weird things
about their mom.
Like, that's just not me.
And I want to express to you
in no uncertain terms
that I do not think my mom
is hot in any way.
Like, at all.
But I do think you're hot.
I think you're so hot.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean, you're foxy.
I mean, you're hotter
than any mom could ever be.
- I mean, not like...
- Whoa.
I mean, if you decided
to become a mom
- that you wouldn't be hot.
- You know what, it's okay, it's okay.
- You would be.
- It's all right.
Hey, can we just
not talk about moms?
- Right.
- Yeah.
- No moms.
- No moms.
So, are we good?
- Yeah, we're good.
- Okay.
Is that your underwear?
But I promise
that they're clean... Ish.
Thank you.
For what?
For defending me with Chris.
Being a jerk to you is my thing.
Come on, I can't have him
encroaching on my territory.
Can I tell you a secret?
- You would trust me with a secret?
- Oh, no.
Heh, okay.
You're just the only one
here, so I...
The real reason I need
this car is because, um...
My family can't afford
to get me one.
Aren't you, like, super rich?
Actually, my dad got fired.
My dad's looking for a new job,
and my mom is looking
for my new dad.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
As far as secrets go,
that's kind of
a lame one, though.
I'm just saying, it's not...
Everyone goes through
that kind of thing.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Can I tell you a secret?
Sophie was right.
I always compete with you
because I want you to notice me.
I really like being around you.
That's definitely something
you shouldn't keep a secret.
- Farrell.
- - What?
Farrell, stay awake.
Ugh, I'm so tired.
Yeah. Yeah, me too.
I can't believe I used
to take sleep for granted.
I mean, all those mornings
I woke up early
just to vandalize your locker
before you got to school.
I could've been at home in bed.
I just can't believe
how much time I spent
up late at night hacking
into the school's
computer system...
To change your grades
from as to cs
or slash your service hours
or give you detention
or take points off your sats.
I'd trade it all in
- for like, four minutes of sleep right now.
- Yeah.
Wait, that was you?
It's always been me.
It's always been you.
Hi there.
I am truly sorry to say this,
but you are both out
of the competition.
- What?
- Wait, no, no.
Both of us?
That's not fair.
After 50 hours
and eight minutes,
- we have no winner.
- No.
No, no, no.
That's not right.
There has to be a winner.
I'm sorry.
Rules are rules.
Now, I would like
to thank both of you
for your participation
by awarding you
these authentic
big Jim key rings, huh?
- I don't want that.
- You sure?
- I'm positive.
- All right,
'cause I ain't
gonna offer it again.
Anyways, I want to wish
both of you a fantastic day.
Thank you for playing.
- Can he do that?
- I don't care if he can or not.
- We're not gonna let him.
- This isn't fair!
Dude, come on. We stood
there for three days.
- Stop ignoring us.
- Is this just some big scam
to get people
to come to your dealership?
Were you even
gonna give us a car
or are you just a crook?
I'm the crook?
What about you?
You cheated!
You tried to lure her away
with that
good-lookin' guy.
And you, you poisoned him!
I got a news flash for you.
Both of you were
looking for the easy way
to get what you want.
That's what you all do now.
I'll tell you something,
when I was your age,
I had to work for my first car.
Okay, I worked,
and I saved money for a year
so that I could afford
the car of my dreams.
Now, you guys
think life is just,
I don't know, what,
some big popularity contest
and whoever
has the most friends wins.
You want something bad enough?
Well, you've gotta work for it.
You ain't gonna get it for free.
And you sure ain't gonna take it
from somebody else.
We're not like that.
The contest is over!
Read the rules!
It says very clear
in section three,
paragraph five, line six,
"the last person with their hand
on that car wins!"
There was no last person
and you both lose!
Now if you will
kindly excuse me,
I have a business to run.
Wait, no, I remember now.
There was someone
with their hand on the car.
It was Amy.
She won.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
It was Farrell.
I lifted my hand first, okay?
Farrell won, fair and square.
No, I definitely did not win,
that did not happen.
Yes, you did, okay? Stop
trying to be so competitive.
If I said you won, you won.
I admit it, total loser,
right here.
No, you won, Farrell.
So shines a good deed
on a weary world.
That was it.
Right there, that is what
I was waiting for! Huh?
So, were we competing for a car
or for your chocolate factory?
Don't you see?
Guys, you were competing
for all that's good
in the world.
Hmm, you were competing
for virtues and values
and honor and all that's right.
Well, yes, true,
you were competing
for yourselves...
But you were also competing
for each other.
I was competing for the car.
Yeah, listen, about the car...
Mommy made me eat my M&Ms.
Mommy made me eat my...
- Hi, it's Maya here.
- And Mia.
- And...
- We're back!
And back together
because we're the only ones
who can stand to be around us.
Love you forever.
Oh, I love you too.
We all know you're wondering
who won big Jim's
dream car contest,
and we're here
with all the gory details.
We'll get to the winner
in a sec,
but first, let's take a
look at all the losers.
Colby Mann didn't live up
to his name
and went all girly
less than 15 minutes in.
Now, instead of wearing
an athletic supporter,
- he is one.
- Aw, poor Colby.
Lala Zzyzx didn't win,
and to be honest,
I like the way she looked
before her makeover.
Oh, my gosh, so glad
you said something,
'cause I totally agree.
You should never
give into peer pressure.
Don't change
to be like everyone else.
Seriously, just keep it real.
Klyde Kosar didn't win,
which is really sad
because he was really cute.
- Oh, yeah.
- Although he later attempted
to set a record
for jumping his motorcycle
over 53 food trucks.
How impressive.
He's my man crush Monday
every single Monday.
it didn't work out
quite how he planned.
We wish you
a speedy recovery, Klyde.
We really do.
Call me, Klyde.
Call me.
Call me.
Call me.
Jerome Bryant lost the contest,
but won a recording contract.
More importantly though,
how did he teach that cat
to rap?
- Yeah, how?
- That cat is so talented.
Seriously, I wish I had half
the talent that cat has.
Sophie Jackson...
- Wait, what even happened to her?
- I don't know.
She hasn't tweeted
in three days.
It's like she's fallen
off the face of the earth.
Sophie, if you're okay,
please let us know by
tweeting a selfie or something.
Which of course leaves just two,
our very own Katniss and Peeta.
Katniss and Peeta?
- They're here?
- N-no.
Amy Robertson
and Farrell Bennett.
So, which one won?
Who was the ultimate winner
of their dream car?
It was a tie!
Fifty hours.
I did not think
you would make it past four.
What can I say?
I can wait years
for something I want.
Yeah, you might want
to keep your hands
on the steering wheel
there, don Juan.
You, uh, you might need this.
Yeah, okay!
This is so awesome.
Let's go, let's go.
Thank you.
That, my friend,
is the future driving off there.
It don't look so bad.
Come on, Bo.
I'm gonna take you for a walk.
Ah, ah.
I'm sorry.
That was wrong of me.
I can't walk you
without a leash!
That'd be against the law!
Come on, Bo!
You know, that was actually
a lot of fun.
- Were you just gonna kiss me?
- No.
You were totally
just gonna kiss me just then.
Do you have a problem with that?
I have a huge problem with that.
If anyone's gonna kiss anyone,
I'm gonna kiss you first.
No, because the thing is,
is I thought of it first.
You did not think of it first.
I literally guarantee
you that I thought of...
No, no, no, no,
that is not true.
- Pretty true, I'd say.
- Hey, guys.
Can you just kiss already?
Yeah, that's just fine.
- Cool.
- Okay.
- Hey, when do I get to drive?
- Tomorrow.
We agreed, I get the car on
Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays,
and you get it on Tuesdays,
Thursdays, and Saturdays.
And we get it on Sundays.
- Maybe.
See, we can all work together.
Everything doesn't have to be
a competition all the time.
- Cool.
- Wait, guys, was that...
Pay attention to the road.
- Okay,
I don't need you
telling me how to drive.
Well, obviously you need
someone telling you.
I thought we were past this.
- I thought you changed.
- Changed from what?
A licensed driver?
I know what I'm doing.
- You just need to calm down.
- Okay, Amy, this is really...