Thunderpants (2002) Movie Script

You've got it! Come on!
Do it, babe!
Come on, babe. Push!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooooh!
Push, push.
You can do it!
Ooh, it's a big 'un.
Oh, I can feel it coming.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, dear!
- One more push. Oh!
- Come on!
One more!
Come on! Try and push!
(increasingly rapid beeps)
I can see its head.
Come on, Mrs Smash.
It's a flyer!
- (applause)
- Well done!
It's a boy, Mr Smash.
That was the first day
ofmy life, ever.
- (baby cries)
- (sobbing) Grab this, Doc.
For about 30 seconds... mum and dad were
the happiest people in the world.
- (doctor) Say cheese!
- And then it happened.
(baby farts)
(farts through baby intercom)
And it never stopped happening.
Your turn, darling.
(steamy whoosh)
(Ioud fart)
(china smashes)
Go to sleep.
Dad found my problem
really hard.
But for a while,
he coped really well.
(muted fart)
One time...
...he really thought he'd solved it.
- (farts)
- I'd play in my playpen for hours...
...while he'd read the paper.
- (fart roars)
- Aaah!
That time,
Dad went to hospital for ages.
When he got home,
he had to work nearly all the time.
(mother) Don't go, please!
In the end, Dad decided
to go to work forever.
- (car engine starts)
- I can't do it any more!
- (wails)
- (sobs) Get away from the car.
(mother wails)
After that, my sister Denise
didn't talk to me much.
Even my mum
went a bit quiet.
Got your lunchbox?
So I was really looking forward
to going to school...
...and making some friends.
Give Mummy a kiss.
- (farts)
- Oh.
(teacher) Morning, children!
(children) Morning, Miss Little.
Children, this is Patrick Smash.
Patrick Smash, say hello.
(Ioud fart)
It wasn't a good start.
- (children chant) Fart boy!
- Sit down, children.
All the kids pointed
and shouted.
Except one.
That was the day I met Alan.
(chuckles and farts)
We did everything together.
I don't know what it was,
wejust clicked.
Alan was great.
He liked me for who I was.
And he didn't care
about my problem.
(Ioud fart)
Alan had no sense ofsmell.
Alan was my best friend.
Alan was my only friend.
But every day was a constant
struggle with my problem.
And every day, I tried to avoid...
Look who it isn't.
Patrick Smash.
What are you doing in my corner
of the playground, Smash?
You ain't nothing
but a big, fat loser.
Give us your lunchbox.
(children shout and laugh)
- Ugh. What's this crap?
- It's special food... help me with my problem.
No, it's not. It's crap!
I want jam tomorrow. All right?
Hello, Patrick.
- How progresses the day?
- All right, thanks, Alan.
Oh, no! We've been invaded by
creatures from the planet Zorg!
(boys giggle)
The nearest star, Proxima Centaura,
is four light years away.
It is debatable
that this stellar body...
...holds within
its gravitational pull...
...a planetary system of any kind...
...let alone one that goes by
the appellation of Zorg.
- If we widen our...
- Shut up, Zorg boy.
Good one, Damon.
You suck, Zorg boy!
(kicks lunchbox) Idiot.
What am I, Patrick?
I'm a blithering idiot.
My attempt to embarrass them
with my astrophysics...
...was, quite frankly,
a foolish waste of time.
Alan, why do you talk
in that funny way?
I speak with clarity
and precision.
The ability to utilise language
is just one of my many talents...
...talents which will enable me
to realise my dream.
- What dream?
- I am an inventor, Patrick.
Currently, I am engaged
in the creation of a machine...
...that will fly without depleting
the earth's precious resources.
I will build that machine.
I will win that competition.
I am Alan. I am me.
That is what makes me strong.
(# sings in Italian)
Sir John, are you...
are you all right?
Fine, dear lady.
It is, quite simply, my craft.
Sir John Osgood, children.
The second-greatest tenor
in the world!
Thank you very much, Sir John.
- I'm so grateful.
- Pleasure, headmistress.
- (chuckles)
- All stand.
Right, you lot.
Absolute silence!
Not a peep. Not a sound.
Not a whisper!
Not a breath.
Let us pray...
...that when you grow
from children...
...into sensible adults... will have a talent
close to mine.
Let us give thanks for the gift...
...of my music.
Let us pray...
...for healthy ticket sales
for my upcoming world tour.
And now, silence...
...for a few moments
of inner contemplation.
(Iong, loud fart)
(children groan)
(steamy whoosh)
(headmistress) Smash!
You have ruined
Sir John's visit!
You are,
without a shadow of a doubt...
...the foulest little creature
to walk the earth.
Now, get out!
That was the worst day
ofmy life, ever.
Fart boy!
I'm sorry. Terribly sorry.
Would you like to retire
to the staff room...
...for a Bourbon biscuit
and a cup of tea?
There you go, sweetheart.
There's your beans.
I'd had enough.
I was fed up.
At moments like this,
I'd think about my dream.
(TV) The latest rocket
in the Zeus programme...
(Patrick) I dreamed that one day
I'd become a spaceman.
(TV)... for a series ofcomplex,
highly technical experiments... zero gravity.
Oh. And there she goes.
There she does indeed go.
"Dear Space Centre. Today
I watched the space launch on TV. '
"I want to be a spaceman."
"But I have a problem."
"I cannot control my arse."
"Would that be a worry?"
"Love, Patrick Smash."
(TV) I'mjoined now
by General Ed Sheppard...
at the US Space Centre.
that was an incredible launch.
You must be... over the moon.
- (chuckles)
- Indeed we are, Todd.
Tell us, General,
what makes an astronaut?
I'll tell you what makes
an astronaut, Todd.
You gotta be focused,
...and in complete control
But most ofall,
all ofmy astronauts...
...each and every one
has worked hard... overcome their problems.
And each one ofthem... a uniquely gifted individual.
(Todd) The crew must be
really special people.
General, thank you for taking
the time to talk to us today.
- And good luck with the mission.
- Thank you, Todd.
And cake news:
Today, a local lady
achieved national...
Overcome my problems.
Uniquely gifted individual.
(Alan) Fascinating!
So you would like me
to eliminate...
...that which has made you
an outsider... the eyes of society?
No, Alan. It's my arse.
I want you to make something
to stop me farting.
My flying machine
is proving to be...
...a greater challenge
than anticipated.
It should work, but it doesn't.
The flight competition
is still a week away... a day's respite
will clear my mind.
Yes, Patrick.
I will construct a machine
and before you know it... will be in total control
of your sphincter.
Does that mean
you're going to help me?
Quite so, Patrick. Now, leave me.
(echoing) There is work to be done.
So with Alan's help,
I felt sure we would succeed.
But things were already
happening around us...
...that would change our lives... ways we could
never have guessed.
(shutter whirs and clicks)
(filing of metal)
(electric saw buzzes)
(drill whirs)
(hissing and pinging)
(dogs bark)
- (cock crows)
- (farts)
All right, Patrick,
we're ready for you!
(squeak of rubber stretching)
- (sighs) Ah!
- Good.
The thunderpants
will contain the emissions... the airtight rubber lining...
...within the rigid
copper exoskeleton.
Now, evacuate
into the holding unit.
Evacuate into the holding unit.
The lunchbox.
There's a button
on the handle.
The gases have been vented
into this lunchbox...
...which will be able to hold
a full day's emissions... perfect safety.
What do I do
when it's full up?
Nothing could be simpler.
(whistle blows)
(bell tings)
Gas transfer successful.
Total containment.
What am I?
I'm a blithering idiot.
A blithering idiot?
I'm a genius!
(# Richard Strauss:
Also Sprach Zarathustra)
Alan had done it.
He had managed to make me
the same as everybody else.
It was the best day
ofmy life, ever.
(rubber creaks)
All stand.
Not a peep. Not a sound.
Not a whisper. Not a breath.
All ofmy astronauts,
each and every one...
...has worked hard... overcome their problems.
And each one ofthem
is a uniquely gifted individual.
Hello, Patrick.
How progresses the day?
It's great, Alan.
I feel like new!
These thunderpants are brilliant.
A first-class engineering job.
Clearly, continued monitoring
of the situation is required.
But I have no doubt...
...these pants will withstand
the test of time.
Slight adjustment.
Alan, now you've solved
my problem...
...can you find my unique gift?
Ah! That got it.
Your what? Gift? Oh, er,
nothing could be simpler.
You don't have one.
(Damon) Oi, you!
Why are you in my corner
of the playground, Smash?
But... I thought
that's your corner.
Nah. I decided
I didn't like that corner.
I've chosen this corner instead.
All right, fart boy,
what's for lunch?
- Don't, Damon, don't!
- I... I...
I think it would be most unwise
for you to disengage that...
Push off, Zorg boy!
This had better be jam, Smash.
'Gas transfer successful. '
- (children jeer)
- Bet he's not farting now!
I warned you, fart boy.
I gave you every chance.
What d'you do?
You fart in my face.
Well, now you're for it!
Get him!
(cloth rips)
(metal clanks)
(Ioud fart)
(children groan)
(boy) Fart boy.
(children chant)
(chanting) Fart boy! Fart boy!
That was the worst day
ofmy life...
(TV) In space news today...
...the electrical systems on board
the space station Icarus...
...have caused concern.
Icarus Control tell us
there is no cause for alarm.
Hello, Patrick.
Mind if I come in?
- I missed you at school.
- I'm not going back.
- I told Mum I'm ill.
- I repaired the thunderpants.
I don't care.
I know now, Alan.
You told me,
I haven't got a unique gift.
My dream's never going
to come true.
But the thunderpants work.
They're stronger than ever now.
You can try to avoid Damon.
- That's your dream right there.
- That's not my dream.
- I thought you wanted a cure.
- I did.
But that wasn't my dream.
I want to be a spaceman.
I've always wanted
to be a spaceman...
...ever since I was small.
I love rockets
and I love space.
If I was a spaceman,
I could fly into space...
...and everybody will know
it was me, Patrick Smash.
I could look down at the earth
and it would be tiny.
People like Damon
would be so small... couldn't even see them.
You could hardly even see
the country they were in.
And they'd look up to space...
...and know that I was up there
and I was free.
Patrick Smash...
That's what they'll say.
Oh, good heavens, Patrick!
Have you lost your mind?
Why... be an astronaut,
you need training.
You need to be
at a physical peak.
You need to have passed exams
at the highest levels.
Of course.
Patrick? I... I didn't mean...
I... I... Oh.
Good Lord!
What is it? Tell me.
Look at this. The boy's got
two stomachs. Incredible.
Like a cow.
I've never seen the like.
Young Patsy
is a unique individual.
- He's a medical phenomenon.
- But why?
Why? Haven't a clue.
But for some unknown reason...
...Mother Nature has bestowed
upon little Patsy...
...a completely useless gift.
What was that bit
about the... gift, Mr Doctor?
Gift. I said you've got a gift,
young man.
Do I have to syringe out
your ears as well?
Let's get this young slacker
back to school forthwith...
- Mrs Crash.
- Smash.
The doctor himselfcalled me
a unique individual.
A medical phenomenon.
He said I had a... gift.
That was the best day
ofmy life, ever.
But what happened next
was destined to change my life... ways I could never
have guessed.
(# tenor sings in Italian
with piano)
# Ecco la piu alta nota di mai
# Mai
# (voice breaks) Mai... #
(# singing continues)
# Ecco la piu
# Alta nota di mai
- # Mai
- (Ioud fart)
(tuneful squeal)
(tuneful squeal continues)
- (glass smashes)
- (fart)
Boy! Yes, you.
What's your name?
Don't run away!
(grunts and puffs)
Sir John!
That note! It was beautiful.
Simply remarkable.
Only Placido P Placeedo
has ever reached it before.
Until now, sir.
Gosh! You could be
the world's number one.
What? Oh, no, no.
That was the child who...
The child, sir? I...
The child!
You were right, Patrick.
You do have a gift. Why...
...the configuration of stomachs...
...puts me in mind
of a fission chamber...
...coupled with some kind
of propulsion module.
This is exactly what
I've been looking for!
I might even use
the thunderpants.
This could be revolutionary!
Patrick, my friend... flying machine
will succeed after all.
What am I, Patrick?
- Er...
- (Alan's voice) I'm a genius.
- A genius?
- No! No, no, no. Well, yes.
Actually, I am a genius,
but I am also an imbecile.
The very thing
I've been trying to contain... the very thing...
...that will make us
sail through the heavens!
It's the annual madness...
...of the non-assisted flight
A handsome cash purse awaits
the first man or woman...
...who can travel 100 feet...
...without the use of motors, engines,
power cells or fossil fuels.
World-famous tenor
Sir John Osgood...
...England's answer
to Placido P Placeedo...
...has joined us
to present the winning prize.
Sir John has found time
in his busy schedule...
...rehearsing for his world tour...
...where he hopes to reach
the high note... Bartorelli's
Unperformable Seventh.
Just pop you there.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...please put your hands together...
...for the second-best tenor
in the world...
Sir John...
- (cheering)
- Radishes? Curried eggs?
- Check!
- Runner beans? Courgettes?
- Check!
- Aubergine? Cabbage?
- Check!
- Spinach?
- Check!
No. You said
you'd bring sprouts.
I most assuredly did not.
You did, Alan. I remember.
You said!
I can't do it without the sprouts,
Alan! I need 'em!
I need 'em! I need 'em!
I need...
Calm down, Patrick.
Calm down.
It's me. Alan.
We are Patrick and Alan,
the team.
With your gift, my genius
and our friendship...
...we can never go wrong!
- (applause)
- Thanks, Alan.
Thanks for being a friend.
First up...
...the flying Dutchman himself,
Vincent Vincente...
...with his magnificent creation...
...AIbatross IV.
(announcer) OK. When you're ready...
...take it away, Vincent!
Now, isn't that beautiful?
Doesn't that remind you
of an albatross?
Oh, dear. Perhaps more of a dodo.
It's going nowhere.
Next up, Don Coaty
with his vortex technology...
...Hurricane of Power!
(cloth rips)
And off they go,
the Flight of Fancy!
He's going...
He's going... Oh!
A big round of applause
for Mrs Bishop!
Goodbye, Charles!
Lesley Parsons,
if that takes off...
...I'll eat my hat!
(applause and cheering)
Oh, dear!
Bye-bye, Stephen.
Have a nice time in hospital.
Oh, it's the Birdman himself...
...Jackie Jackson.
Off you go, Jackie!
- (thump)
- Nice to see you back, Jackie.
Oh, and, er, finally...
...we have... Patrick Smash...
...and Alan A Allen...
...with Thunderpants II. Hm.
Well, seems to be
two young boys.
My apologies.
I know you all want your tea.
Let's get a couple of shots
of these clowns.
Quick as you can, boys.
Off you go.
- Ready, Patrick?
- I think so, Alan.
Shall I fart now?
(Ioud fart)
(fart continues)
Look at this, everyone!
Gary, wave them off!
They're moving!
They're moving forward.
This is absolutely amazing!
They're actually flying!
Go on!
(fart continues)
(whining and rattling)
(fart continues)
(crowd groans)
(fart continues)
Keep it up, Patrick.
I'll get it!
(crowd) Phwoar!
- (tuneful squeal)
- The note!
I haven't got much left
in me, Alan.
- Keep going! You can do it.
- It's no good, I can't!
Do it for me.
(Ioud fart, crowd cheers)
Come on!
Cheer them on,
ladies and gentlemen!
They can do it!
Come on! This is the big one.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...this is an historic day!
- (cheering)
- Patrick, we did it!
Patrick, let's make
our next project Thunderpants III.
A giant rocket with enough power
to soar into space!
Well done, boys!
With your gift, my genius
and our friendship...
...we'll never go wrong. they crossed
the finish line.
Patrick Smash and Alan A Allen...
(TV)... in the most remarkable
flying machine...
...this reporter has ever seen.
(Osgood) Patrick Smash
andAlan Allen!
Well done!
Ladies and gentlemen...
...I give you the outright winners
of 100 English pounds!
- (crowd cheers)
- (phone rings)
- Johnson.
- Sir.
- Well?
- Yes, sir, they did it. They won.
- Excellent.
- Remarkable, sir.
(Patrick) So that was it.
I'd conquered my problem...
...and found my gift.
Alan was going to help me
be a spaceman.
But first...
...I had some unfinished business
to take care of.
- (boys laugh)
- Oh, here's Zorg boy.
I can't believe my eyes, Smash.
You've got some nerve.
I finished you at school...
...and now you show your stupid
farty face in my place?
It's not your place. It's mine.
Oh! The worm has turned...
...into a fart boy.
Well, fart boy,
prepare to get slapped.
(groans, loud fart)
(boys cough and splutter)
Flaming 'eck. What's that?
(coughing and spluttering)
Go away!
(pants anxiously)
Uh! Get off! Uh...
You... You... You...
You're a freak!
(shouts) No!
(wind howls)
(Damon's screams echo)
(leaves rustle)
That was the best day ofmy life...
Hello, Mr Allen.
I just saw Alan going away.
Is he going to be long?
Because we need
to do my dream.
I see. Well, Alan has moved
to pastures new.
Oh. He left a missive.
"Patrick, my friend...
...regretfully... genius is very much
needed elsewhere at present."
"Good luck with your dream.
Sincerely, Alan A Allen."
Is he going to be long, then?
Let me make this perfectly clear,
Patrick Smash.
Alan has gone to another country.
He won't be back.
Another country?
I couldn't believe it.
Alan had gone.
I was all alone.
I didn't know what to do.
It was the worst day
ofmy life, ever.
As the situation aboard Icarus
reaches critical...
...US Space Control...
...has admitted they are unable
to launch a rescue mission.
General Ed Sheppard
had this to say.
(reporters shout questions)
The prayers ofthe world...
...are going out
to those brave souls...
...who are stranded up there...
...between heaven and earth.
The boys and girls
at the Space Centre...
...are doing all they can
to launch a rescue mission.
But I gotta tell ya...
...we're plumb out ofideas.
We're in trouble.
We need a miracle.
(TV) Ed Sheppard there, speaking from
Icarus Control earlier today.
Young man,
I will not take no for an answer.
I wish to take you on a world tour
with me, Sir John Osgood.
You'll see things on the way
you've only ever dreamt of...
...we'll visit countries...
Other countries?
Naturally, yes. Other countries.
All right.
You'll hear me sing every night
and you'II... What?
All right, then.
I'll go to other countries.
I'll just get my things.
It's quite a day for you, boy.
So, from out ofthe blue,
I'd been offered a chance...
...a chance to go to other countries.
Ifl went with Sir John,
maybe I could findAlan...
...and we could be Patrick andAlan,
the team, again.
I would take that chance.
I would go with Sir John.
I would sing with my arse.
So, night after night,
I did the high bit with my arse.
(tuneful squeal)
(wild cheering)
(speaks Spanish)
And day after day, I searched
the world for my best friend.
(tuneful squeal)
(cheering and applause)
(whistling and cheering)
(tuneful squeal)
(cheering and whistling)
(crowd) Encore!
(whistling and applause)
(tuneful squeal)
Again, boy. Again.
But Mr John...
...I'm so hungry.
- Poppycock, boy.
Must practise!
If you don't finish,
you won't get any pudding.
Don't you see, boy?
We can sing the high note now.
We're at the top now.
Staying at the top,
that's the challenge.
Practice. It's the only way.
I think I'll slip out for a little
fettucine a la flamadora...
...with a nice chianti.
(tuneful squeal)
(hotel manager)
Signor Placeedo, you must wait.
Signor Osgood,
he say no visitors!
No visitors(!) He will see me.
Ma, I'ho detto che non po entrare,
e prohibito.
- Sono il direttore di questo albergo.
- (tuneful squeal)
O, Santa Madonna, ma che mi volete
farmi uscire tutti pazzi oggi!
Lo sai che ti dico, ma vafanculo
puro ti, mi fai antipatia, mi fai!
- (farts)
- A child?
You, boy!
You know who I am?
You're the world's number two.
(shivers) Never.
I am Placido Placeedo...
...the greatest singer in the world!
So, tell me...
...little boy...
...what do you do?
I carry Mr John's bags,
make him drinks and sandwiches...
...and I'm searching the world
for my friend Alan... we can do my dream.
Oh, and I sing the high bit
with my arse, Mr Ceedo.
But that's a secret
between me and Mr John.
You are singing the high bit...
...with your arse?
It might just work.
(# sings in Italian)
(deep rumbling)
(audience gasp)
(tuneful squeal)
(glass smashes)
(cries out)
(tuneful squeal dies,
fart continues)
(farting continues)
(squeals with delight)
- Fake!
- (audience gasps)
- He is a fake!
- (audience gasps)
It's the boy...
...who is singing the note...
...through his short trousers!
- (audience gasps)
- No! Madonna!
It is I and only I...
...Placido P Placeedo...
...who is the number one singer... the world!
And you, sir, are number two!
(astonished gasps)
Bravissimo! Placeedo!
- (crash)
- (audience screams)
- Read all about it!
- Latest edition!
Flatulent boy held!
(ltalian reporter) II mondo dell'
opera, un crudele assassino...
(Japanese reporter) Kyo,
sekai namba wan no opera...
(Spanish reporter)
Todo esta revuelto...
(US reporter) The opera world
was in turmoil today...
...when the world's number one
opera star was slain... a complex conspiracy...
...led by criminal mastermind
Patrick Smash.
Placido P Placeedo
was killed instantly...
...when a spotlight in Rome's
Roma opera house...
...fell from the lighting rig,
shaken loose by Patrick Smash.
Are you a murderer, Patrick?
I didn't mean to kill Mr Ceedo.
And I didn't know it was wrong
to sing the high bit with my arse.
Ljust want to find
my friendAlan.
Ljust want to be Patrick
andAlan, the team, again.
I want to put my gift
and your genius together... we can reach for the stars.
I miss you, Alan.
And I'm scared.
(reporters and policemen shout)
Is that him?
Yes, that's him.
That's Patrick.
Read all about it!
Latest news!
Fart boy on trial!
- (customer) Six Heralds, please.
- (vendor) Get your papers 'ere!
- Echo, please.
- Latest news on fart boy trial!
World holds its breath
for fart trial!
(court clerk) Silence in court!
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury...
...Placido P Placeedo...
...was without doubt the world's
greatest opera singer.
A charming, talented man...
...who, as I shall show
during this trial...
...was humiliated
and then cut down... this, this...
...evil child.
(coughs from gallery)
(Osgood) I feel such a fool.
I gave him every chance
and he threw it all in my face.
...he murdered the best friend...
...I ever had.
Everybody at school
was scared of him.
He attacked me
for no reason with that...
...weapon of his.
- (muttering)
- Order! Order!
I have taught Patrick Smash...
...for five years... the end of which time...
...I looked behind his eyes
and I saw...
...pure evil.
You can clearly see...
...the deep crack in the metal...
...a production flaw.
The bolt was substandard.
It could've snapped... any time.
Tell me, would you call yourself
an opera lover, Mr Henderson?
Well, no.
- I'm a metallurgist.
- I see.
Do you listen to opera at all?
I'm sorry. I don't quite see
the relevance...
The witness will answer
the question.
I... I don't listen to opera.
Thank you, Mr Henderson.
- But this is not about...
- That will be all, thank you.
It's cracked.
I see.
And this would be
around the time your best friend...
...your only friend...
...Alan, disappeared.
Yes, sir.
Just as you received a cheque...
...for 100 English pounds.
Yes, sir.
And so a picture has emerged...
...ladies and gentlemen
of the jury...
...a picture of a Ioner...
...a strange, haunted child...
...who'd harass children younger,
weaker than himself...
...who'd bully those
of whom he was jealous.
A liar!
A cheat. A thief.
A boy...
...guilty of fraud,
grievous bodily harm...
...damage to property...
...reckless endangerment...
...and now...
(jurors) Guilty!
- Guilty!
- Guilty!
That was it. I'd been
at rock bottom before...
...but this time
I was even lower.
Now I'd never get
to do my dream.
(shouts) Fart boy walking!
I would never know
what happened to Alan.
It was the worst day
ofmy life...
Squad... (clears throat)
...get ready.
Take aim.
(tyres screech)
(car horn blares)
And then it happened.
Johnson J Johnson.
United States of America
Special Forces.
Your British Home Secretary
has authorised the transfer...
...of prisoner Patrick Smash...
...into the custody of
the United States Government.
Our sincerest apologies...
...for the formalities, Mr Smash.
We experienced several
administerial delays... securing the appropriate papers
from your British Home Office.
Somebody untie this boy,
Mr Smash, I would like
to formally request...
...that you accompany us to
a place where your unique gifts...
...are very much needed
at this present moment in time.
All right, then!
(shouts) Let's move out!
This way, sir.
Thank you for your co-operation.
You have yourselves
a nice day, now.
Make yourself comfortable,
Mr Smash.
We have a short drive
ahead of us.
Is there anything
we can do for you, sir?
No, thank you, Mr Johnson.
I don't mean to be any trouble.
No trouble, Mr Smash.
No trouble at all.
- Mr Johnson?
- Yes, sir?
Do you mind if I...
- You go right ahead, sir.
- Thank you, Mr Johnson.
Air Force Nine, this is Tower.
You are clear for takeoff.
This way, sir.
Operation Hot Dog, you have
clearance for the Smash kid.
(electronic door whirs)
We've arranged a private room
for your use.
A change of clothes,
personal hygiene kit...
...and some refreshments.
We've selected
a range of snacks...
...that we hope will meet
with your approval.
Now, with your permission...
...there will be a briefing
at 0200 hours...
...Greenwich Mean Time.
I suggest that you rest
up till then, sir.
All right, then.
Air Force Nine, this is Tower.
You are clear runway ten-niner...
Chuck, take her on a heading
of one-zero-niner.
- Roger that, sir.
- Let's take her home.
How is the little fella?
He's crying.
A-ha! Come in Mr Smash, sir.
The briefing team
is waiting for you.
You left me all alone!
I thought we'd put my gift
and your genius together...
...and do my dream.
I've been looking
for you everywhere.
Patrick, sit down.
I'll explain everything.
Now, Patrick, Mr Johnson...
Alan told me that they'd
found out how clever he was.
They came to the flight competition
to ask him to help them.
He was working really hard
to save the spacemen...
...on space station Icarus.
He couldn't tell me
because it was a secret...
...but he really wanted to.
There is a breach in the hull...
...where the meteorite shower
hit last week...
What happened next was destined
to change my life for ever.
We decided that we should
stage a rescue mission.
But the sub-engines
on the rescue rocket...
...have suffered
a severe malfunction.
Some of our boys are up there,
Mr Smash.
And they're dying.
Patrick, you know
you have two stomachs.
Well, the clever people here...
...think that you can help
the astronauts.
Can you help us, slugger?
Am I going to be a spaceman?
Yes, Patrick.
You're going to be a spaceman.
(phone rings)
- Yeah?
- Mr Smash is here, General.
Thank you, Annie.
So this is he?
Thank the sweet lovin' Jesus
that you're here, son!
The boys and girls... Space Control
have calculated
...that we have
a 24-hour window... which to launch
a rescue rocket.
You're a fruit, son.
Fruit, sir?
The good Lord has looked down
from on high... those astronauts,
and has shed a single tear.
The single tear
has fallen to the earth...
...and nursed a tiny seed.
The seed became a sprout,
that sprout has borne a bud...
...that bud has
brought forth a fruit!
You're that fruit, son.
Praise God!
- Now, we have got work to do.
- Come on.
(Tannoy) Flight crew
to Test Bay Four.
Repeat. Flight crew
to Test Bay Four.
Mr Smash, it is my duty
to inform you...
...that what you are
about to see is classified.
Category triple A clearance.
Son, I gotta tell ya...
...behind these doors
is the secret...
...of the USSC family.
A family I sincerely hope
that you will soon join.
- Alan.
- Yes, sir.
This is your show.
- You take it from here.
- (clears throat)
(electronic voice)
Scanning. Scanning.
Agent Johnson J Johnson.
You are clear to enter.
(Tannoy) Control room crew,
prepare for guidance verification.
Come on, Patrick.
Let me introduce you
to my team.
The best of the best.
Hello, everybody.
Patrick, the guys.
Welcome aboard, Patrick!
This is a proud moment
for us all.
Patrick, this is Jose.
Everything OK, Jose?
I'm sorry, Patrick, but
I'm trying to explain something... those idiots
in Launch Control.
They screwed up the inertial
platform failure procedure...
...and they have misinterpreted
the launch telemetry.
They're driving me crazy!
Calm down, Jose.
We'll sort it out.
Why don't we ask
the grown-ups to help?
- (clear throats)
- Don't you see, Patrick?
There are no grown-ups
in research and planning.
We make the decisions here.
The grown-ups of the USSC
are on a constant search...
...throughout the world
to seek out children with gifts.
That's why they came
and found me.
And that's why
they found you, too.
- But all I can do is fart.
- Exactly, Patrick. Exactly.
(children) Mm-hm.
This is the design of the
revolutionary new jet engine...
...the prototype for which...
...was built into the rescue rocket.
But the engine coupling...
...was fused
with the booster housing!
(tuts) That is
my father's department.
And this is a computer model
of your stomachs.
You see, you have that
revolutionary new engine...
...there in your shorts, Patrick!
Jose worked
on the module coupling.
Yes. You will sit in this harness,
above the boosters.
We call it the Thermo Diaper.
(Alan) Thunderpants III.
I have harnessed
the full potential...
...of your flatulence...
...and enhanced it exponentially.
You're going to launch
the rescue rocket.
You're going to launch
Thunderpants III!
So that was it.
I was going to launch
that rocket.
I was going to save
the astronauts.
I was going to be
a spaceman.
My dream had come true.
It was the best day
ofmy life, ever.
(sighs) I...
That boy in there
has no stamina, no dexterity... strength and no experience.
He's failed all the mental and
physical tests in our lexicon.
How are we gonna make
this thing work, Ed?
That child is a tool, Johnson.
A tool, sir?
A fragile tool which the good Lord
has chosen to deliver to us.
It's up to us to use it wisely...
...and use it well.
That boy in there...
...has got the hopes and the fears
of the American people... his goddamn shorts.
Amen, Ed.
(General) It's showtime, boys.
Show me what you got.
(Tannoy) Please stand by
for primary ignition test.
Patrick, give it a quick burn.
Check out the hardware.
Wilco, Alan.
(fart dies out)
- Wow.
- Holy Mary, mother of God!
- Hot dog!
- Some power you got down there!
Launch in T minus 30 minutes.
Flight crew to Gantry Five.
Son, may I shake your hand?
You've eaten...
...every leaf vegetable
and every bean product...
...within a ten-mile radius
of this place.
You've done a 12-year training
course in two and a half hours.
And you possess the most
powerful tooter I ever saw!
You got a heart of gold, son...'ve got
the constitution of an ox.
And you've got pants of thunder.
Godspeed, Patrick Smash.
Thank you, Mr Ed.
Knock 'em dead, skipper.
Thank you, Mr Johnson.
What am I, Patrick?
You're the cleverest one of all.
And I'm proud. Good luck!
(TV) As the rescue rocket
points to the skies...
...the world can only wait
and hope...
...and pray that they've found
a way to lift that craft...
...those tons ofequipment,
that metal, plastic...
Hold on.
Hold on. They...
There is movement there.
There is definitely
something going on...
...near the command centre.
Uh, it seems...
- That's Patrick again, look!
- Patrick! Look!
...a very small man is...
It's... It's a boy!
A... A boy astronaut...
...ofmaybe nine or ten.
A buggy is making its way
across the tarmac.
But now... we can see
a group approaching...
...walking towards the boy.
One ofthe men is, um..., is...
shaking the boy's hand.
The eyes of the world are on you,
Patrick Smash.
We all admire you.
God bless you
and God bless America.
Thank you, Mr President.
Good luck, son.
(President) The boy's a miracle.
(children chatter)
what have you got?
Electrical systems
are go, sir!
Life-support system
on line, sir.
Ignition systems
on line, sir.
Methane filters engaged.
Cooling systems
are green for go, sir.
Sulphur boosters
are on line, sir.
Expansion chambers
are primed for influx.
There you go, sir.
(radio) Flight pressurisation
is under way.
We have a green light... the main engines, uh,
as we prepare for ignition.
(chatter, phones ring)
Sir, I was running through
the launch sequence again...
...and I've, uh,
I've come across a problem.
It seems that 20 seconds
into the launch...'s possible we might lose
communication with the rocket...
...followed by a shutdown
of life-support systems...
Cut to the chase, Foster.
We're runnin' on fumes.
Sorry, sir.
A chain reaction.
An explosion, sir.
Total destruction of the rocket.
Goddamn! What's the chances
of this happening?
(sighs) Sweet Jesus.
That gives us 21%
to play with.
A word in your ear,
son, please.
We've got a problem here,
(Tannoy) Final checks concluded.
Stand by for launch.
(Alan) Patrick,
we have a problem.
Hello, Alan. What's wrong?
There is a chance, Patrick,
a big chance...
...that Thunderpants III will...
...will blow up
shortly after liftoff.
General Sheppard says
that the decision is yours...
and if you choose to stay...'re still a goddamn hero.
...can I say something
to everybody?
Go ahead, Patrick.
Hello, everyone.
My name is Smash,
Patrick Smash.
And this is my dream.
I'm going to try my best
to be a good spaceman.
I've never had the whole world
rely on me before.
I mean, I do try
to do my best at home...
...but I wasn't what
my mum expected me to be.
I did try to do my best
at school too...
...but I upset
some ofthe other kids.
And I was a disappointment
to the teachers.
One time, I thought I'd found
someone who would help me.
We went round the world
together. We sang together.
But everything
kept going wrong.
But then my friendAlan came
and showed me...
...that what the spacemen
need now is a friend.
I'm going to try
and be that friend.
We are Patrick andAlan,
the team.
And with my gift, your genius
and our friendship...
...we can never go wrong!
...thanks for remembering
the sprouts this time.
Who gave you ladies
permission to blubber?
- Uh...
- Patrick Smash...
...we salute you.
(all) Yes, sir.
Let's blow ass!
OK, Patrick.
We're ready for you, buddy.
Guidance systems are on line.
Engage primary ignition system.
We're lookin' good.
T minus ten...
...eight, seven...
...four, three, two...
Yes, Alan?
You've got to let one go now.
All right, then.
(roaring fart)
(electronic voice)
Gas transfer successful.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have liftoff!
- Congratulations, son.
- Thanks.
Good work, Johnson.
(regular beeps)
(rapid beeps)
(screen crackles)
(intermittent beeps)
What's going on,
Mr Johnson?
Um, we appear to have...
...Iost communication
with the rocket...
...and life-support systems are...
Please, come on.
(tuneful squeal)
(tuneful squeal swells)
That's the Bart Seven.
He's OK?
He's OK. He... He's OK!
He's alive!
(wild cheering)
And that's my story.
I'mjust a nobody, really.
I've always been a nobody.
I'm not that clever.
I'm not that brave.
But I did one thing right.
I found out what it was...
...that made me who I am...
...that made me... me.
And that's my message to you.
You may think
you have problems now...
...but are they really problems?
Take them, look at them...
...use them.
Use them wisely
and use them well.
And maybe...
...just maybe... day...
...your dream will come true.
(TV) Today, the world breathed
a sigh ofrelief... the astronauts splashed down
in the Pacific Ocean.
SS Neptune was on hand
to pluck them out ofthe water.
The astronauts spent
26 harrowing days in space... hopes for their rescue
slowly faded.
The day was saved
by an unlikely hero...
...Patrick Smash.
General Ed Sheppard
had this to say.
Praise God!
This is our finest hour.
Thank you, Alan.
Thank you, Patrick.
Thank you, Thunderpants!
(TV) New Yorkers turned up
in their thousands today...
...for that most traditional
ofAmerican celebrations.
A ticker-tape parade
through Manhattan... honour ofthe biggest hero
ofthem all...
...Patrick Smash!
Mr Smash said...
..."It was the best day ofmy life...
# AllStars: We're goin' all the way
# Oh, no matter what they say
# We won't give up
# We won't give up
# We're on our way...
He was a breath of fresh air
to this school.
Patso Smash?
He taught me to respect others.
And to love myself.
We did it, Patrick.
We really did it,
didn't we?
I don't see
what all the fuss is about.
All he did was fart.
Uh, a teacher?
Yes, um...
I prefer to think of him as...
...the son I never had.
Here's some more books, Father.
What A Note, my new book.
I'm signing copies here
in this bookshop.
A really talented
young man...
...whose gift we recognised
early on.
We love you,
Patrick Smash! Hooray!
He always spoilt everything
and he ends up a hero.
Well, big deal!
I hated him then
and I hate him now.
That enough?
All right. That's enough.
Stop it!
# The future lies within our hands
# Now it's time
to make a stand
# Put heart and soul
# In what we believe in
# Yeah
# It doesn't matter
# Who you are
# Keep lookin' for
# The brightest star
# Don't look back
# Just keep achieving
# Yeah
# Everlasting,
now we're on our own
# Never-ending fight
to take control
# We're goin' all the way
# Oh, no matter
what they say
# We won't give up
# We won't give in
# We're on our way
# We're goin' all the way
# Yeah
# Got to make
# A master plan
# Show the world
# Every woman and man
# Workin' night and day
# To make it better
# Yeah, yeah
# Use your head
# And use your heart
# Know your mind
# Right from the start
# Play to win
# The only thing that matters
# Everlasting,
now we're on our own
# The never-ending fight
to take control
# We're goin' all the way
# No, no matter what they say
# We won't give up
# We won't give in
# We're on our way
# We're goin' all the way
# All the way
# No, no matter what you say
# No matter what you say
# We won't bow down
# No turning back
# The world is ours to take... #