'Twas the Night (2001) Movie Script
1
Boy: 'TWAS THE NIGH BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE,
NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING,
NOT EVEN A MOUSE.
[CHILD SCREAMS]
THE STOCKINGS WERE HUNG
BY THE CHIMNEY WITH CARE...
IN HOPES THAT SAINT NICHOLAS
SOON WOULD BE THERE.
AND HE WAS. RIGHT THERE.
IN MY HOUSE.
THE REAL SANTA. ALIVE.
THAT'S RIGHT, THE BEARDED ONE
REALLY EXISTS.
BUT I'M GETTING A LITTLE
AHEAD OF MY STORY HERE.
LET'S GO BACK
A LITTLE EARLIER.
'TWAS THE DAY
BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
AND ALL THROUGH THE PAD,
EVERYONE WAS AT HOME,
EVEN WORKAHOLIC OL' DAD.
AND MOM IN THE KITCHEN
COOKING STILL LIKE A ROOKIE,
SCORCHING THE BACKS
OF THE GINGERBREAD COOKIES.
AND THEN, THERE'S MY SISTER,
A PARENTS' DELIGHT.
ANNOYING, BAD-TEMPERED,
AND OBNOXIOUSLY BRIGHT.
AND PRECIOUS LITTLE PETER,
THE FAMILY LOVES HIM
THE MOST.
IF HE COMES INTO MY ROOM
ONE MORE TIME,
HE'LL BE TOAST.
THEN THERE IS ME,
HANDSOME AND TRUE.
THE BEST AT EVERYTHING
THAT ANYONE CAN DO.
INTELLIGENT, WITTY,
THERE IS NO DOUBT.
KIND, COMPASSIONATE.
PETER, GET OUT.
BUT, DANNY--
WHAT'S THE RULE
ABOUT COMING IN MY ROOM?
NEVER COME
IN YOUR ROOM.
BUT DAD
WANTS TO KNOW
WHEN YOU WAN TO DECORATE
THE TREE.
I WANT TO
DECORATE THE TREE
ON CHRISTMAS EVE,
LIKE
EVERY OTHER YEAR
WE'VE EVER DECORATED
CHRISTMAS TREES
IN THIS FAMILY.
BUT IT IS
CHRISTMAS EVE.
IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS EVE,
DOOFUS.
THAT'S TOMORROW.
NOW CLOSE THE DOOR.
OK, WHATEVER
YOU SAY.
CHRISTMAS EVE.
[EXPLOSION]
CHRISTMAS EVE?
OOPS.
Danny: THERE'S A PROBLEM
WITH CHRISTMAS,
WHEN YOUR WALLET IS LIGHT.
YOU CAN'T STAND YOUR FATHER,
AND YOUR SISTER IS JUST...
A LITTLE TOO BRIGHT.
YOU MUST TURN TO THE ONE
WHO GETS YOU OUT OF YOUR FUNK,
JUST SELL YOUR LITTLE BROTHER
A WHOLE BUNCH OF...JUNK.
HEY, SWEETIE.
WHAT'S ALL THAT STUFF?
I'VE BEEN
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.
SHOPPING? WHERE?
DANNY'S ROOM.
DANIEL FRANCIS WRIGLEY,
GET OUT HERE NOW!
UH-OH.
[TICKING]
WHAT ABOUT MY
NO-RETURNS POLICY?
DANNY,
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED
TO SHAKE DOWN
YOUR LITTLE BROTHER.
HE WASN'T SHAKING ME.
HE WAS BEING NICE.
PETE, HE WAS TAKING
ADVANTAGE OF YOU,
AND HE OUGHT TO BE
ASHAMED OF HIMSELF.
DON'T HOLD
YOUR BREATH.
STICK A SOCK
IN IT, KATY.
DANNY.
WHAT?
OK. PLEASE
STICK A SOCK IN IT.
BUT, MOM, I WAN ALL THAT STUFF.
SEE?
WHO'S THE VICTIM
HERE?
HE'S NO COMPLAINING.
COME ON.
IT'S JUST LIKE
UNCLE NICK SAYS.
I'M JUST HELPING HIM
SHARE THE WEALTH.
UNCLE NICK, HUH?
IT'S TOO BAD IT'S ALWAYS
SOMEONE ELSE'S WEALTH
THAT UNCLE NICK
IS SO EAGER TO SHARE.
NO. UNCLE NICK
IS THE BOMB.
HE IS, OK?
YOU JUST DON' UNDERSTAND HIM.
Mom: DANNY, NICK'S GO A LOT OF GOOD QUALITIES,
YES, BUT HE'S NOT EXACTLY
A GOOD ROLE MODEL FOR YOU.
ALL RIGHT?
Dad:
HE'S A CON ARTIST.
Danny: HE'S
AN ENTREPRENEUR.
RIGHT. OK.
HE'S A CON ARTIS WITH A LAPTOP.
IT'S NOT A MATTER
OF THE PRESENTS.
IT'S A MATTER OF
TAKING ADVANTAGE OF
YOUR LITTLE BROTHER.
HE LOOKS UP TO YOU
THE SAME WAY YOU
LOOK UP TO NICK.
Peter: AAH!
[CRASH]
OH, PETER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU SAID
IT WAS FAMILY MONEY.
HO HO, OH, BUDDY.
DANNY'S OUR FAMILY,
AND HE NEEDS IT.
I WAS JUS SHARING THE WEALTH.
OK, THAT'S WEIRD.
I CAN SEE
HIS LIPS MOVING,
BUT I CAN HEAR
DANNY TALKING.
IT'S OK, DANNY.
YOU CAN SHAKE ME DOWN
IF YOU WANT TO.
I LIKE IT.
DO ME A FAVOR, PETE.
JUST DON'T,
LIKE, UH,
SAY THAT IN
FRONT OF ANYONE...
EVER AGAIN.
OK?
UNCLE NICK IS BY FAR
THE COOLEST PERSON
IN THIS FAMILY.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW HE AND DAD
COULD BE
FROM THE SAME PARENTS.
YOU'RE THE COOLEST,
DANNY.
I APPRECIATE THAT,
LITTLE DUDE,
BUT, UM...
I GOT A LONG WAY TO GO
TO MEASURE UP
TO UNCLE NICK.
I BET HE'S SOMEPLACE
RIGHT THIS MINUTE
MAKING A MAJOR
BIG-BUCKS BUSINESS DEAL.
HE PROBABLY HAS 'EM
BEGGING FOR MERCY.
I'M BEGGING YOU,
PLEASE DON'T HURT ME.
Man: ALL RIGHT, NICK.
WHERE'S YOUR OFFICE?
BUT THIS IS MY OFFICE.
Second man: WELL, THEN,
WHERE ARE ALL
YOUR HIGHLY-SKILLED
EMPLOYEES, NICK?
OUT TO LUNCH?
[MAN GRUMBLES]
OK, IT'S JUST ME--
ME AND MY COMPUTER.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
GONNA DO WITH ME?
WHO ARE YOU GUYS?
WE GUYS ARE THE GUYS
THAT GOT SWINDLED BY
YOUR PHONY WEBSITE,
NICK.
YEAH. I GUESS THE NAME
SHOULD'VE TIPPED US OFF--
REALFASTDOUGH.COM.
YOU TWO KNUCKLEHEADS?
OHH! OH, COME ON, BILL.
LET ME SLAP HIM.
LET ME GIVE HIM SOME
OF THAT MAMA'S KITCHEN
DISCIPLINE.
NO, HARRY.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
SLAPPING HIM
WILL NOT GET BACK
THE $30,000
HE BILKED US OUT OF
WITH HIS BOGUS LITTLE
BUSINESS OFFERING.
HOW DID I GET TIED UP?
Both: WE ASK
THE QUESTIONS HERE.
WHERE'S OUR MONEY?
FINE. I'LL TELL YOU.
FIRST I PUT YOUR MONEY
INTO A SAFE LONG-TERM CD,
THEN I SHIFTED THE CAPITAL
INTO A REAL UP-AND-COMING IPO--
MADE A KILLING--
FLIPPED IT THE SAME DAY
INTO SOME MUTUAL FUNDS,
BLUE CHIP STOCKS--
NICK, PLEASE!
WHERE IS IT?
WELL, THERE IS
A MEASURE OF RISK
IN EVERY INVESTMENT.
IT'S GONE.
I JU--
[GROANS]
SO, NICK...
YOU DID IT ALL HERE
ON YOUR NIFTY LITTLE
LAPTOP, HUH?
OH, THAT'S NICE,
VERY, VERY NICE.
PLEASE BE CAREFUL
OF LAPPY.
IT'S VERY SENSITIVE.
SENSITIVE?
NICK'S GO A SENSITIVE COMPUTER.
HO HA HA HA!
YOU EVER SEE WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU POUR
A HOT CUP OF COCOA
OVER A SENSITIVE
COMPUTER, NICK?
IT AIN'T PRETTY.
NO, DON'T, NOT TO LAPPY!
MY WHOLE LIFE
IS ON THAT THING!
ALL MY ACCOUNT NUMBERS
AND CONTACTS, BUSINESSES.
ALL YOUR SCAMS,
YOU MEAN, NICK.
WHAT SCAMS?
OOH!
OK!
OK. THOSE, TOO.
JUST PLEASE
DON'T DAMAGE MY COMPUTER
AND--AND--AND...
AND DON'T HURT ME.
OH, WE'RE NO GONNA HURT YOU OR
YOUR COMPUTER, NICK.
NO. WE'RE
GONNA LEAVE THA TO OUR VICE PRESIDEN OF COLLECTIONS--ELIOT.
OH, BOY, ANOTHER ONE
LIKE YOU.
I DON'T THINK
I CAN TAKE--
ELIOT?
THAT'S ME.
[CRACKS KNUCKLES]
NICE TO MEET YOU.
YEE-AAAAAH!
AAAAAAAH!
Both: AAAAAH!
AAAAH!
YEEE-AAAAAH!
AAAAAH!
AAH.
30 LARGE IN CASH
CHRISTMAS MORNING
OR YOU, NICK,
ARE THE COCOA.
[NASALLY] I UNDERSTAND.
I UNDERSTAND. OK.
OH, THAT'S HOT.
OH, DID BILLY
BURN HIMSELF?
IT'S OK.
LET HARRY BLOW.
LET HARRY BLOW.
NOW GO UNTIE HIM!
OK.
OK.
OW.
[SNIFFS]
UH, GUYS, WAIT.
UH, I'M GONNA NEED LAPPY
IF YOU WANT ME TO MAKE
ANY HEADWAY ON YOUR CASH.
NO, I DON'T--
TCH, TCH, TCH,
TCH, TCH!
OK.
YOU CAN HAVE IT.
THANK YOU. [COUGHS]
AND, NICK...
DON'T TRY TO LEAVE
TOWN, EITHER. OK?
OR ELIOT HERE WILL
START BY DISABLING
YOUR PRECIOUS
HARD DRIVE THERE,
AND THEN HE'S
GONNA WORK HIS WAY
UP TO YOU.
YEAH.
I'M NOT LEAVING TOWN.
GAME'S OVER.
IT'S TIME TO GET OUT.
WHOA!
FIRE IS BURNING SLOW
NOW WHERE'S
THAT MISTLETOE?
OH, OH, OH, OH
DEAR
IT'S GETTING
KIND OF HOT IN HERE
I NEED A TASTE
OF CHRISTMAS CHEER
HOPE HE GETS HERE QUICK
I NEED
A SAINT NICK, NICK
I GUESS
IT JUST HAD TO BE
ALL WRAPPED UP FOR ME
ACK!
Man: OK, YOU GOT IT?
HERE WE GO.
HE TRADED IN HIS REINDEER
FOR A LIMOUSINE
HE'S WEARING PURPLE TROUSERS
INSTEAD OF RED AND GREEN
ON 2.
READY?
OOH. AAH.
AAAAAAH!
GO ON.
HEY!
Children, chanting:
WE WANT SANTA!
WE WANT SANTA!
WE WANT SANTA!
[CHANTING]
OOH!
MURRAY, HURRY UP.
THERE'S ABOU A THOUSAND BRATS
WAITING FOR US OUT THERE.
HEY, YOU, ELF.
YOU SEE SOMEONE
GO IN THERE?
OH, GREAT.
WHAT NOW, NICK?
MURRAY.
[WHISTLING]
JUST IN
THE NICK OF TIME.
HEY!
WHAT THE--
COME HERE!
Children, chanting:
WE WANT SANTA CLAUS!
WE WANT SANTA CLAUS!
OHH!
YOU!
[DOOR CLOSES]
YOUR ELF'S
WAITING FOR YOU.
[DEEP VOICE]
OH! YES, YES.
HO HO!
WELL, UH,
THANK YOU, ELIOT.
HEY, HOW DO YOU
KNOW MY NAME?
WELL, I'M SANTA,
AM I NOT?
HO HO HO!
HA HA HA!
HAVE YOU BEEN
A GOOD BOY?
OF COURSE
I'VE BEEN A GOOD BOY.
HAVE YOU REALLY?
YES.
OK.
Store elf: HERE HE IS,
THE GUY YOU'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR--
SANTA!
SANTA?
EVERYBODY...
JUST BE GOOD
FOR GOODNESS SAKES!
HELLO?
WHERE YOU GOIN'?
GOTTA FIND A PLACE
TO HIDE OUT.
BUT WHERE?
MURRAY!
WHERE YOU GOIN'?
DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE
WITH THESE KIDS.
THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME.
[CHUCKLING]
THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME.
HO HO! ALL RIGHT!
John: OK.
EVERYBODY READY?
YUP.
"'TWAS THE NIGH BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
"WHEN ALL THROUGH
THE HOUSE,
"NOT A CREATURE
WAS STIRRING,
"NOT EVEN A MOUSE.
"THE STOCKINGS WERE HUNG
BY THE CHIMNEY WITH CARE
"IN THE HOPES
THAT SAINT NICHOLAS
SOON WOULD BE THERE."
[DOORBELL RINGS]
OH, WHO ON EARTH
COULD THAT BE?
NOBODY MOVE.
MAYBE IT'S SAINT NICHOLAS.
I DON'T THINK SO, PETER.
SAINT NICK DOESN'T USUALLY
COME TO THE FRONT DOOR.
HO HO HO!
SANTA?
ARE YOU SURE YOU GO THE RIGHT HOUSE?
WELL, 300 WALNUT.
OH.
SOMETHING'S HERE. OOP.
NICK?
HA HA HA!
SAINT NICK TODAY.
WHOO!
NICK. WHAT ON EARTH
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
HELLO, GORGEOUS.
HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO
STAY SO YOUNG AND PRETTY
MARRIED TO THIS
STICK-IN-THE-MUD, HUH?
Peter: UNCLE NICK!
OH, IT'S PETER COTTONTAIL!
HEY, I DON' HAVE A COTTON TAIL.
OH, NO?
THEN WHAT IS THIS, HUH?
OH...
ABBY? WHERE'S KAITLIN?
AND WHO IS
THIS RUNWAY MODEL
WE HAVE HERE?
STOP!
WELL, LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE ALL GROWN UP.
WELL, THERE HE IS--
DAN THE MAN.
[BOTH IMITATING KUNG FU
MOVIE SOUND EFFECTS]
WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO!
HOW YOU DOIN'?
GREAT.
DID YOU GE MY E-MAIL?
YES, I DID.
OH, LOOK AT THEM
TOGETHER.
YEAH?
AND MAY I SAY
THAT I LOVE TIBET.
THE HIMALAYAS
ARE JUST OUTSTANDING,
AND I'M SO DOWN
WITH OAXACA.
VERY COOL PYRAMIDS.
BUT I SEE
YOUR FIRST SUMMER
AFTER HIGH SCHOOL
GRADUATION
IN THE PRINCIPALITY
OF MONACO.
MONACO.
OUI, OUI.
MONACO? OH, FOR--
SOAKING UP THE RAYS
ON THE BEACH BY DAY
AND STICKING I TO THE CASINOS
BY NIGHT.
I CALL I "THE KILLER Bs"--
BEACHES, BABES,
AND BIG BUCKS.
OOH, I COULD
GO WITH THAT.
I COULD GO WITH THAT.
OK, HERE WE GO.
1, 2, 3, GO.
OH, MAN! YOU'RE
GETTING FASTER.
WHAT'S THAT,
BEEN PRACTICING NOW?
NO, NO.
INCOMING!
WHOO! WHOO!
WHOA!
OH, COME ON,
LITTLE BROTHER,
DON'T PRETEND YOU'RE
NOT HAPPY TO SEE ME.
OH, OF COURSE
HE'S HAPPY TO SEE YOU.
IT'S JUST WE WEREN' EXPECTING YOU, NICK.
THE SPANISH WEREN' EXPECTING THE INQUISITION,
BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP
TORQUEMADA.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT FAIR
THAT YOU GOT ALL THE BRAINS
AND I GOT STUCK
WITH JUST GOOD LOOKS.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE, NICK?
WHAT, HONESTLY?
IF THAT'S POSSIBLE.
WELL, THERE'S NO PLACE
LIKE HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS,
IS THERE?
AND THERE'S NO PLACE
I'D RATHER SPEND
SOME QUALITY TIME
THAN RIGHT HERE....
WITH MY FAVORITE NIECE
AND NEPHEWS.
WHY IS IT I HAVE TROUBLE
BELIEVING THAT STORY?
[PAGER BEEPS]
Nick: WHO'S UP
FOR SOME HOUSE HOCKEY?
ME!
OK, NOW WHERE DID WE
SET IT UP LAST TIME?
OH, THAT'S RIGHT,
RIGHT AROUND HERE.
CAN I BE GOALIE?
OH! THERE'S BEEN
A MAJOR OUTBREAK
OF THAT NEW
REINDEER FLU.
THE EMERGENCY ROOM'S
OVERRUN.
OH. NO, JOHN.
NOT TONIGH OF ALL NIGHTS?
WELL, THAT'S
WHAT I GE FOR MARRYING
A DOCTOR.
THAT'S WHAT YOU GE FOR BEING A DOCTOR,
BECAUSE THEY'RE
CALLING EVERYBODY.
WHAT?
[BEEPING]
THAT'LL BE YOU.
OH, NO.
WHY BOTH OF US?
IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.
[NICK AND KIDS
SHOUTING]
WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO DO WITH THE KIDS?
WE CAN'T LEAVE THEM
ON THEIR OWN.
WHERE'S YOUR GOALIE?
OH, NO.
NO.
NO.
Abby: IT'LL BE FINE.
NICK IS
NOT A BAD GUY.
I THINK HE'S TRYING
TO MEND FENCES.
GIVE HIM A CHANCE.
IT IS CHRISTMAS.
"THE STOCKINGS WERE HUNG
BY THE CHIMNEY WITH CARE
"IN HOPES
THAT SAINT NICHOLAS
SOON WOULD BE THERE."
DON'T HOLD
YOUR BREATH.
HEY, CHILL OUT, KATY,
'CAUSE SOME OF US
LIKE BELIEVING
IN IMPOSSIBLE THINGS.
HE BELIEVES IN YOU.
ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?
I WAS ABOUT 5 WHEN I
FIGURED IT ALL OUT.
THE WHOLE PRESENT-
DELIVERY SETUP THING
SEEMED KIND OF FISHY,
SO I DID THE MATH.
FOR SANTA TO GET TO
ALL THE WORLD'S CHILDREN
ON CHRISTMAS EVE,
HE WOULD HAVE TO TRAVEL
AT ABOUT 650 MILES
PER SECOND.
I MEAN...
THAT'S 300,000 TIMES
THE SPEED OF SOUND.
WOW.
THAT'S PRETTY FAS FOR A HEAVYSET DUDE.
Kaitlin: OH, BU THAT WOULD ALSO EXPLAIN
WHY NOBODY
EVER SEES HIM.
BECAUSE
HE'D BE GOING SO FAST,
WE'D LOOK LIKE
LIVING STATUES TO HIM.
[SIGHS]
BUT YOU KNOW
THAT'S PHYSICALLY
IMPOSSIBLE, SO...
SO THERE IS
NO SANTA CLAUS?
NO. YOU KNOW, PETE,
THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS.
JUST IGNORE
EVERYTHING SHE SAYS.
SHE'S JUS TRYING TO SHOW OFF.
CAN YOU BELIEVE
TEACHERS GIVE OUT As
FOR JUNK LIKE THAT?
ALL RIGHT, GUYS,
WE'RE OFF.
GOOD NIGHT, YOU.
MM, SORRY.
GOOD NIGHT.
SORRY ABOUT THIS, HONEY.
GOOD NIGHT.
YEAH. THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, NICK.
NO PROBLEM.
I'LL GO GET THE CAR.
THANKS.
OK. AHEM.
"THE CHILDREN WERE NESTLED
ALL SNUG IN THEIR BEDS--"
John: THAT'S NOT SUCH
A BAD IDEA, YOU KNOW?
MAYBE YOU GUYS OUGHT TO
HIT THE SACK EARLY TONIGHT.
OHH.
WHAT?
OH, DAD!
HEY, THE SOONER
YOU GET TO BED,
THE SOONER SANTA COMES.
WE'RE NOT DONE
WITH THE BOOK YET.
THANK YOU, UNCLE NICK.
COME ON, GUYS.
HUGS, KISSES.
LET'S GO, OFF TO BED.
SEE YA, BUDDY.
COME ON, YOU GUYS.
GIVE ME A BIG ONE.
IT'S NOT FAIR.
OH, IT'S NOT FAIR.
OHHH.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA HANG ON
TO THIS FOR YOU.
BUT, DAD--
YOU CAN HAVE I BACK TOMORROW.
BYE, DAD.
GOOD NIGHT, SWEETHEART.
HAVE A GOOD SLEEP.
OH!
HAVE FUN
AT THE HOSPITAL.
OH, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.
COME ON, DANNY.
YOU, TOO.
WHAT?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
DAD, IT'S NOT EVEN 9:00.
YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.
DAD, COME ON.
I WANNA STAY UP
WITH UNCLE NICK
AND THEN HANG OUT.
WE GOT STUFF
TO TALK ABOUT.
WE CAN HANG WITH UNCLE NICK
WHEN WE'RE ALL TOGETHER.
I WOULD LIKE YOU
UP IN YOUR ROOM.
YOU CAN CATCH UP ON SOME
OF YOUR READING, PLEASE.
LOOK, I'LL GO TO BED
WHEN YOU WANT ME--
GET TO YOUR ROOM
RIGHT NOW!
NOW, YOU SHOULD
BE TOTALLY GROUNDED
FOR ALL THE STUFF
YOU PULLED TODAY.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
IT'S...
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
[SIGHS]
Nick: RULE WITH
A STEADY HAND, JOHN.
DAD WOULD BE PROUD.
I HATE DOING THAT.
[DOOR SLAMS]
Nick: DON'T WORRY.
I'VE GOT I ALL UNDER CONTROL.
YOU GO DO YOUR THING.
I'M PROUD OF YOU,
LITTLE BRO.
[TAPPING
ON COMPUTER KEYBOARD]
[KNUCKLES CRACK]
[BEEP]
"INSUFFICIENT FUNDS
ON DEPOSIT."
DUH!
IF I HAD THE MONEY,
I WOULDN'T NEED THE LOAN.
OH!
[INCOMING E-MAIL
BEEPING]
ALL RIGHTY.
COULD BE
A POTENTIAL INVESTOR.
OH, UNCLE NICKO
NEEDS A BREAK.
Harry, on computer:
OH, WE'RE GETTING THERE.
WE'RE GETTING HIM.
WE'RE GETTING HIM.
THE SHARK
HAS FOUND ITS PREY!
HELLO, NICK!
YOU ROTTEN LITTLE WORM.
DID YOU FORGET WE HAVE
YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS?
AND DON'T THINK
YOU CAN CUT US OFF,
EITHER, WRIGLEY,
'CAUSE
WE'RE TRACKING YOU
AND WE'RE ABOUT TO
FIND YOU RIGHT NOW.
Harry: HEH HEH!
WE'RE NEARLY THERE.
DO SOMETHING.
DO SOMETHING.
[LAUGHING]
Harry: WE'LL FIND YOU
RIGHT NOW.
DARE I?
I DARE.
THE WRIGLEY SUPER VIRUS--
INVENTED FOR
JUST THIS OCCASION.
[VOICE TRANSMISSION
BREAKING UP]
BYE-BYE.
THAT'LL SCRAMBLE
THEIR HARD DRIVE.
AND EVERY OTHER
WORKING COMPUTER
WITHIN 50 MILES.
Man: WHOA! ALBERT!
ALBERT! I CAN'T SEEM
TO CONTROL THIS THING!
IT'S DESCENDING
MUCH TOO QUICKLY!
WHOA! ALBERT, HELP ME!
HELP ME!
SWANSON? NO.
[THUD]
[MUMBLING]
[LOUD THUD, CLATTERING]
[FOOTSTEPS THUMPING
ACROSS ROOF]
HEY.
THAT WAS YOU.
NO. I THOUGH IT WAS YOU.
[LOUD THUMPING]
OR MAYBE A SQUIRREL?
IF HE'S A SQUIRREL,
HE'S THE SIZE
OF A SAINT BERNARD.
[HEAVY LOAD DRAGGING
ACROSS ROOF]
HOLD ON.
[LOUD RUMBLING RACKET]
AH!
DID YOU SEE WH--
MM.
MM.
ALL RIGHT, ALBERT,
I'M IN.
Elf: GOOD WORK, SANTA.
NOW YOU GOTTA LOOK
FOR THEIR COMPUTER.
YOU SEE ANYTHING AROUND?
I SEE IT, YES. YES.
OK, YOU WANNA
GO OVER THERE
AND LOOK FOR SOMETHING
THAT'S FLASHING OR WHATEVER,
AND YOU'RE GONNA PUT I INTO THE TRASH CAN.
NOW WHAT?
JUST CLICK I AND MOVE IT OVER THERE.
OK, YES.
YES.
[POOF]
THAT'S IT?
THAT LITTLE THING
GROUNDED US?
SORRY. THAT'S IT.
I'M TELLING YOU, ALBERT,
THIS FANCY TECHNOLOGY
IS MORE TROUBLE
THAN IT'S WORTH.
I KNOW. I KNOW
IT'S JUST A BACKUP.
WELL, NEXT YEAR,
THE REINDEER ARE
LINING UP FOR FLU SHOTS
LIKE THE REST OF US.
RIGHT. ALBERT!
I'VE GO TO GET TO WORK NOW.
I'M HANGING UP.
GOOD-BYE.
[SIGHS]
WELL, I MIGHT AS WELL
BEGIN HERE.
LET'S SEE NOW...
THE WRIGLEYS.
AH, YES.
PETER, NICE.
KAITLIN, NICE.
AND DAN--
OH, DANNY.
ON THE "NAUGHTY" LIS AGAIN, DANNY, HUH?
AND I BE YOU'VE BEEN NO HELP
IN STEERING YOUR NEPHEW
IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION,
HAVE YOU, MR. NICK-ON-THE-
NAUGHTY-LIST-FOR-LIFE?
WHOA!
...WHAT I SAW?
WHOA!
WHAT? WHAT?
[NICK STAMMERING]
H-H-HOW'D YOU
GET IN HERE?
WHAT--WHO ARE YOU?
UM...
UM, DON'T WORRY.
IT'S NO WHAT YOU THINK.
NO. UM, I, UH...
UH--UH, YOU'RE
JUST HALLUCINATING.
YEAH. I'M NOT REALLY HERE.
YOU'RE DREAMING. YES.
LOOK OVER THERE.
YEAH.
AH!
AH!
GAAH!
Nick: DANNY...
YEAH?
Nick: STAY AWAY
FROM THE EGG NOG.
WOULD YOU STOP
KICKING HIM?
WHAT IF
HE'S STILL AWAKE?
STOP.
[MUMBLING]
IT'S HIM, ISN'T IT?
IT'S THE REAL HIM.
NO.
NO, IT'S NO THE REAL HIM,
BECAUSE THERE'S
NO SUCH THING
AS THE REAL HIM.
WELL, THEN WHO IS HIM?
WHERE DID HE COME FROM?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT, UH...
I'M SURE THAT THERE IS
A LOGICAL EXPLANATION
FOR THIS.
LOGICAL EXPLANATION?
WHOAAA!
[SQUEAKY LITTLE VOICE]
AAAH! MAYBE NOT!
WHOO! WHAT THE--
I GOTTA LAY OFF
THE EGG NOG.
OH!
[WHIMPERS]
UH...
DANNY!
GAH!
DID YOU HAPPEN
TO PUSH A BUTTON
ON THAT...BALL?
TH-THIS?
YES!
I--I THINK SO.
WELL, PRESS...
ANOTHER...
BUTTON!
OH!
OK.
WOW!
MAY I SEE THAT?
OH...
THIS IS THE REAL SANTA CLAUS.
A REAL...DEAD SANTA CLAUS.
OH, HE'S NOT DEAD.
HE'S JUST UNCONSCIOUS.
HE'LL BE OK.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT CHRISTMAS?
WHAT ABOUT CHRISTMAS?
CHRISTMAS?
IT-IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.
YEAH?
WELL, IF THIS IS ALL REAL
AND HE'S THE REAL SANTA,
THEN HE'S GOTTA DELIVER
ALL THESE PRESENTS TONIGHT.
BUT IF HE'S KNOCKED OU TOO LONG,
HE'S NOT GONNA BE ABLE
TO DELIVER ANY PRESENTS.
I MEAN, THERE
WON'T BE A CHRISTMAS.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
CALM DOWN, OK?
FIRST OF ALL,
WE ARE GONNA
DO NOTHING.
NADA. ZIPPO.
OK, THIS WHOLE
CHRISTMAS THING,
THAT'S NOT OUR PROBLEM.
THAT'S HIS GIG.
I MEAN, IF YOU
WANNA TOTE AROUND
A HEAVY BAG
FULL OF PRESENTS
FOR PEOPLE
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW,
WELL, THAT'S FINE
WITH ME, BUT, UH-UH.
YEAH, BUT IT'S--
IT'S WHAT?
HMM?
WHAT?
DANNY?
AH!
OH, NO.
OK, UH...
[WHIMPERING]
HMM.
OHH! OH!
WHOA.
HOO.
OH!
HO! OH!
WOW!
OH.
[CHUCKLES]
YEAH.
SANTA.
GOIN' HIGH TECH,
HUH, SANTA?
OOP.
[SLEIGH POWERING UP]
WHOA! OH! OHH!
UH!
OFF.
[SLEIGH POWERS DOWN]
WOW!
YEEH!
OH.
UM...
UH, UH...
WAH-HOO!
HOO!
OH!
THIS HAS POSSIBILITIES.
OH.
OH, UH...
...CHRISTMAS.
WE REALLY SHOULD
DO SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW, YOU MAKE
A VERY GOOD POINT.
WHAT IF WE PICK UP
THE GAUNTLE AND SELFLESSLY FULFILL
SANTA'S MIRACULOUS
MISSION OURSELVES?
REALLY?
REALLY.
BUT YOU WERE JUST SAYING
THAT YOU DIDN'T WANNA
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT.
THAT WAS THEN.
THIS IS NOW.
YOU MADE ME
SEE THE LIGHT.
AND YOU DON'T WAN ALL THE KIDS
IN THE WORLD
TO GO PRESENTLESS,
DO YOU?
NO, NO. BUT I GUESS
I'M JUST A LITTLE CONFUSED.
SANTA'S GOT A FLIGH CONTROLLER ON HIS SLEIGH
THAT'S NOT TOO MUCH
DIFFERENT FROM THE ONE
I GOT YOU
FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY.
HOW DO YOU KNOW
HE HAS A FLIGHT CONTROLLER
ON HIS SLEIGH LIKE THAT?
I SAW IT.
IT'S UP ON--
YOU WILL NO BELIEVE--
TRUST ME.
YOU'LL SEE IT.
LISTEN,
YOU'RE THE WHIZ
AT ALL THESE
COMPUTER GAMES,
NOT ME, SO YOU'LL
BE THE PILOT.
I'LL JUST DELIVER
THE PRESENTS.
WE'LL BE A TEAM.
WE'LL BE HEROES.
WE'LL SAVE THE DAY!
THIS IS IT, MAN.
THIS IS OUR FIRS ADVENTURE.
THIS IS WHAT WE'VE
ALWAYS TALKED ABOUT.
ARE YOU WITH ME,
PARTNER?
YEAH.
YEAH!
WAIT. WHAT ABOU KAITLIN AND PETER?
WE CAN'T JUS LEAVE THEM ALONE.
WELL, THEY'RE NOT ALONE.
HE'S HERE.
I MEAN,
UNCONSCIOUS OR NOT,
HE'S STILL A BONA FIDE
ADULT, RIGHT?
AND BESIDES,
BY THE TIME THEY
WAKE UP IN THE MORNING,
WE'LL HAVE
ALREADY BEEN BACK,
WOKEN UP THE BIG GUY
FROM HIS LITTLE NAP,
AND COLLECTED
WHATEVER REWARD
WE ARE SURE TO GE FOR SAVING CHRISTMAS.
HA HA! HUH?
YEAH!
YEAH!
WHOA!
HA HA HA!
Nick: WHOO-HOO!
LOOK AT ME!
HA HA HA! WHOO!
WHOA! THIS IS LIKE
A REALLY COOL
VIDEO GAME.
YEAH.
EXCEPT YOU GO BUGS IN YOUR TEETH.
WHOO! WE'RE SMOKIN'!
HOO HOO HOO!
OH, BABY!
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
WELL, I THOUGHT WE'D STAR ON THE EAST SIDE OF TOWN--
THE GOLD COAST.
YOU KNOW, THOSE RICH KIDS
GET SO MANY PRESENTS,
I FIGURED, IF WE
DUMP THIS STUFF FIRST,
WE'D LIGHTEN OUR LOAD.
GOOD THINKING.
AH, WELL, YOU KNOW.
OK, HANG A RIGHT.
Nick: WHOO-HOO!
WHOO!
HUH?
UNCLE NICK.
UNCLE NICK.
[SNORING]
AAH!
Danny: IT LOOKS LIKE
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS REACH YOUR HAND
IN THE BAG, PULL IT OUT,
AND YOU'LL HAVE
THE RIGHT PRESENT.
Nick: COOL!
LISTEN, YOU'RE
DELIVERING A PRESEN TO A GIRL NAMED KATHY.
SHE WANTED A REAL PONY
FOR CHRISTMAS.
SHE WAS NAUGHTY
13 TIMES THIS YEAR,
SO SHE GETS...
AN ANT FARM.
[ECHOING]
AW, THAT'S COLD, MAN.
YEAH.
Danny: SO ONCE
YOU HAVE THE PRESENT,
JUST PUT I UNDER THE TREE,
TAKE THE BALLY-WALLY
AND ZAP IT.
GOTCHA.
AH.
GOTCHA.
NO, NO, DON'T GET UP.
I WON'T BE A MINUTE.
OOH.
I LIKE.
[CHUCKLES]
OOH.
GOTCHA.
OL!
[GIGGLING]
NOW...
HO HO HO!
SPREADING THE WEALTH.
OH, LOVELY
LITTLE THINGS.
SPREADING THE WEALTH.
OOH. NICE TUNE.
LET'S BOOGIE.
HEH HEH!
WHAT--
WHAT'S WRONG?
NOTHING.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
THAT'S YOU!
[LAUGHS]
LOOK AT THAT.
I LOOKED UP MYSELF
ON THE DATABASE.
COOL.
YEAH. "DANIEL WRIGLEY.
SHAKES DOWN HIS BROTHER.
SPENDS MOST OF HIS TIME
SCAMMING."
EGH!
SANTA THINKS I'M BAD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
THOUGH THA WOULD EXPLAIN
THE GREATEST DISCO HITS
OF THE SEVENTIES CD
I GOT LAST YEAR.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I LIKE THAT CD.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM
WITH PEOPLE LIKE SANTA IS?
TRUST ME, I KNOW A MILLION
OF THESE KINDA GUYS--
ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY,
THE BIG BOSS.
BUT WHO IS KRIS KRINGLE
ANYHOW, HUH?
I MEAN, HOW DID HE
GET THIS JOB?
I DON'T REMEMBER
VOTING FOR HIM.
DO YOU?
WHO IS HE TO JUDGE?
NOW, I SAY
THAT IT'S OUR TURN
TO CALL THE SHOTS.
WE'LL DECIDE
WHO GETS WHA FOR CHRISTMAS.
ARE YOU WITH ME?
HMM?
YEAH.
YOU BET YOUR LIFE, YEAH.
[BOTH SNAP FINGERS]
Kaitlin:
WHO DO YOU THINK HE IS?
Peter: I DON'T KNOW.
AH!
AH!
ALL RIGHT, BIG GUY!
WHO ARE YOU
AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
WITH MY BROTHER
AND UNCLE NICK?
MM!
[MUFFLED]
AAGH!
HIS BEARD'S REAL,
ANYWAY.
OF COURSE IT'S REAL.
I'M SANTA CLAUS.
I THINK HE IS.
OH, PLEASE!
FIRST OF ALL, THERE'S
NO SUCH THING AS SANTA.
AND SECOND OF ALL,
EVEN IF THERE WAS,
HE WOULDN' BE CAUGHT DEAD
IN ANY HOUSE
WITH DANNY WRIGLEY IN IT.
IS THAT SO, KAITLIN?
WELL, YOU'RE NO SO ANGELIC YOURSELF.
OR PERHAPS YOU
DIDN'T THINK I SAW YOU
COPY THAT ANSWER OFF
RICKY GARIBALDI'S
SPELLING TES IN THE THIRD GRADE.
AHH.
AND YOU CAN FORGE ABOUT THAT BRONTOSAURUS
I ASKED FOR
IN SECOND GRADE.
MY PARENTS WERE RIGHT.
THE BACKYARD
IS TOO SMALL.
THANK YOU, PETER.
OHH!
OHH. OHH.
I HAVEN'T FEL THIS BAD
SINCE THE TAINTED
EGG NOG OUTBREAK
BACK IN '06.
YUP, IT'S GONE.
NOTHING ON THE ROOF
BUT THE CHIMNEY.
Santa: OH, DEAR.
WHERE IN HEAVEN'S NAME
COULD MY SLEIGH HAVE GONE?
IT'S NOT ALL THAT HARD
TO FIGURE OUT, SANTA.
I MEAN, VALUABLE SLEIGH,
MISSING BIG BROTHER--
DANNY PROBABLY COPPED IT.
WHAT?
LIFTED IT.
STOLE IT.
Peter: HE WOULDN' STEAL SANTA'S SLEIGH.
THEN WHERE'D IT GO, PETER?
IT DIDN'T JUST DISAPPEAR.
YES, IT DID.
YOU DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING.
NOW, CHILDREN,
I'M SURE THERE'S
A LOGICAL EXPLANATION.
PERHAPS DANNY, THINKING
I WAS INCAPACITATED,
IS SIMPLY TRYING
TO DELIVER ALL THE TOYS--
SAVE CHRISTMAS.
DANNY AS
SANTA'S HELPER?
THAT'LL BE THE DAY.
BETWEEN HIM AND UNCLE NICK,
THE ONLY THING THEY'VE EVER--
NICK?!
NICK WRIGLEY
HAS MY SLEIGH?
OH, MY.
OH, MY, MY,
MY, MY. MY!
THAT'LL NEVER DO.
I MEAN, DANNY,
WHY, HE'S A LITTLE NAUGHTY
FROM TIME TO TIME,
BUT NICK WRIGLEY
IS INCORRIGIBLE!
OH, MY. OH, DEAR.
I HAVE TO GE MY SLEIGH BACK.
HELLO! ALBERT!
HELLO!
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
OH, OF COURSE
HE CAN'T HEAR ME.
THIS GIZMO IS HOOKED UP
TO THE SLEIGH'S COMPUTER,
AND THE COMPUTER
IS IN THE SLEIGH,
AND THE SLEIGH IS GONE,
AND--OH!
OH!
OH, WAIT.
THE COMPUTER.
THAT'S
UNCLE NICK'S.
Kaitlin: WHA ABOUT THE COMPUTER?
WELL, THIS YEAR,
MY SLEIGH IS BEING
RUN BY A COMPUTER.
THE REINDEER ARE ALL
SICK WITH THE FLU.
AND THIS COMPUTER
INTERFERED
WITH MY SLEIGH
AND BROUGHT IT DOWN.
PERHAPS WE CAN
REPEAT THE PROCESS.
UM...DO YOU KNOW HOW
TO WORK THIS THING?
OH, YES, I DO.
UM, SO WHAT AM I
LOOKING FOR?
WELL, IT WAS
A SKULL-AND-CROSSBONES,
AND I PUSHED I INTO THAT CONTAINER THERE.
YOU TRASHED IT,
SANTA.
SORRY. IT'S GONE.
OH, DEAR.
OK, LET ME THINK.
THERE'S A COMPUTER
ON THE SLEIGH, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
AND SO IT PROBABLY
HAS A WEB ADDRESS,
RIGHT?
A WEB ADDRESS?
YOU KNOW, LIKE,
WORLDWIDE WEB.
LIKE--LIKE
SANTA.COM OR...
OH, YES! YES, EXACTLY.
SANTA.COM. YES.
EXCEPT THAT NAME
WAS ALREADY REGISTERED.
I'M SCLAUS2.COM.
MANY CHILDREN SEND ME
THEIR CHRISTMAS LISTS
IN THIS NEW FORMAT.
I FIND I VERY CONVENIENT.
HERE'S THE PLAN.
OK. I HACK
INTO THE COMPUTER
ON THE SLEIGH,
I OVERRIDE THE
FLIGHT-CONTROL PROGRAM,
AND I BRING
THAT PUPPY BACK
LIKE A WELL-TRAINED
HOMING PIGEON.
OK, LET'S GO.
GO? WHERE?
TO THE COMPUTER STORE.
ALL THE COMPUTERS
IN OUR HOUSE
ARE TOO WEAK
FOR THIS JOB,
BUT THEY HAVE
THE NEW LOUMAX 2327--
THE MOST POWERFUL
DESKTOP IN THE WORLD.
WONDERFUL.
LET'S GO.
UM, YOU KNOW,
YOU CAN DRIVE, RIGHT?
OF COURSE I CAN.
WHERE DO
YOUR PARENTS
PARK THEIR SLEIGH?
OK. WHAT ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?
Kaitlin: OK,
RIGHT UP TO THE LIGHT.
NICE AND EASY.
NICE AND EASY.
RIGHT UP TO--
[TIRES SCREECH]
YOU DON' HAVE TO STOP YET.
KEEP GOING,
RIGHT UP TO THE LIGHT.
RIGHT UP TO THE LIGHT.
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO STOP AGAIN.
COME ON. SANTA...
YOU'RE GOING LEFT!
YOU'RE GOING LEFT!
NO, NO! TURN RIGHT.
TURN RIGHT.
GET YOUR FOO OFF THE BRAKE!
[TIRES SCREECH]
YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST!
Danny: UHH.
DARRIN, DARRIN, DARRIN.
WHAT CAN I TELL YOU,
BUDDY?
YOU GOTTA WATCH
THAT TEMPER,
BUT THIS PRESEN ISN'T GONNA MAKE YOU
ANY LESS ANGRY, SO...
I WISH ME
A MERRY CHRISTMAS
I WISH ME
A MERRY CHRISTMAS
I WISH ME
A MERRY CHRISTMAS
AND A CHIPPENDALE SOFA
UNCLE NICK.
OH!
HUH. YOW! D!
UH, HOW'D YOU GE IN HERE?
WELL, I CLIMBED
THROUGH THE WINDOW
UPSTAIRS.
OH.
UH, HOLD ON.
UH, WHERE'S
DARRIN'S GIFT?
I GOT A--I GO A BETTER IDEA.
UH, WELL, I HAVEN' DELIVERED IT YET.
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN
DOING DOWN HERE
SO LONG, THEN?
OH, YOU MEAN, DOWN HERE?
YEAH.
YEAH, BATHROOM BREAK.
YOU KNOW, ALL THE
TAKING OFF AND LANDING,
YOU KNOW, JUST...
[LAUGHS] YEAH,
WELL, UH, HERE.
YOU HAVE
THE LITTLE BALLY?
ZAP IT.
ALL RIGHT. STEP ASIDE.
A PUNCHING BAG?
UH, YEAH, YEAH.
WELL, SEE,
THIS KID, DARRIN,
HIS SCHOOL RECORD
SAYS THAT HE'S, UM,
HE'S BEEN
GETTING INTO FIGHTS,
AND I FIGURE HE CAN
POUND ON THIS THING
INSTEAD OF OTHER KIDS,
YOU KNOW, LIKE,
CHANNEL HIS ANGER
INTO A HEALTHY EXERCISE.
THAT IS WAY COOL,
DAN, MY MAN.
YEAH?
YEAH.
THE WAY
YOU JUST LOOK PAS ALL THE SURFACE JUNK
AND SAW THIS GUY'S
POTENTIAL. YEAH.
SOME KIDS NEED A BREAK.
KIDS NEED A LITTLE
EXTRA ATTENTION,
A LITTLE EXTRA THOUGHT.
[CHORTLES] TAKE ME.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS,
I DON'T KNOW, ABOUT YOUR AGE,
ALL I EVER ASKED FOR
WAS ONE THING.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WAS?
HMM?
A CUSTOM-MADE,
JIMI HENDRIX-SIGNED
ELECTRIC 6-STRING GUITAR
WITH AN EBONY FINGERBOARD
FROM McCUSACK'S MUSAK STORE.
HA HA HA.
WOWWWW!
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
ROCK AND ROLL GUITAR
IN THE WORLD.
EVERY YEAR
I'D ASK FOR IT,
AND EVERY YEAR,
IT WASN'T UNDER THE TREE.
I MEAN, IT WASN'T LIKE
THE FOLKS COULDN'T AFFORD IT.
YOUR DAD GOT EVERYTHING
HE EVER WANTED.
CHEMISTRY SET, TELESCOPE,
MICROSCOPE, MACROSCOPE.
ANYWAY, HE WAS NICE,
AND I WAS NAUGHTY.
I MEAN,
NOT NASTY NAUGHTY,
YOU KNOW, JUST KIND OF
NATURALLY NORMAL NAUGHTY.
[LAUGHS]
AH.
AND YOU KNOW,
IF YOU WERE AROUND BACK THEN,
MAKING THE CHRISTMAS PRESEN DECISIONS,
I'D PROBABLY BE TOURING
WITH THE STONES RIGHT NOW.
YEAH?
OH, YEAH.
I WAS GOOD, MAN,
BUT WITH THE RIGHT EQUIPMENT,
I COULD'VE BEEN GREAT.
ANYWAY,
READY?
YEAH.
WHAT?
[LAUGHS]
NOTHING.
I MEAN,
YOU'RE JUST--
YOU'RE LOOKING
KIND OF LUMPY.
WELL, YEAH.
COOKIES AND MILK,
COOKIES AND MILK,
EVERYWHERE WE GO.
NO WONDER SANTA
HAS A WEIGHT PROBLEM.
COME ON.
[HIP-HOP PLAYS]
YEAH, 1, 2,
GET DOWN
CHRISTMAS TIME
GONNA BLOW YOUR MIND
'CAUSE IT'S ALL GOOD
SANTA CLAUS
WILL LOOK YOU UP
IF YOU'VE BEEN GOOD
AW, YEAH
CHRISTMAS TIME
GONNA BLOW YOUR MIND...
Kaitlin: UH...
SANTA, I DON'T THINK
THAT TAKING A SHORTCU WAS SUCH A GOOD IDEA.
WHY NOT?
JUST A HUNCH.
NONSENSE.
EXCUSE ME, BOYS.
Santa: WOULD YOU MIND
MOVING YOUR VEHICLE?
I DON'T THINK
THEY HEARD ME.
I THINK THEY HEARD YOU,
SANTA.
[HONK HONK]
OH, MY GOD.
KAITLIN,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I THINK THIS BOY
WANTS TO TALK.
UH-OH.
WELL, WELL, WELL.
WHAT DO WE
HAVE HERE?
SANTA CLAUS AND
HIS LITTLE ELVES.
HA HA HA! DEAR, NO.
THESE AREN'T ELVES.
ELVES ARE ACTUALLY
SHORTER CREATURES
WITH POINTY EARS,
MISCHIEVOUS
AND DISOBEDIENT,
BUT INHERENTLY KIND.
YOU TRYIN'
TO PLAY GAMES
WITH ME, BUDDY?
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO PLAY A GAME?
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT?
Santa: IS THIS
SOME NEW GAME
I'M NOT AWARE OF?
Kaitlin: YEAH,
IT'S CALLED THE "WE'RE
IN BIG TROUBLE" GAME.
OH, DEAR.
THESE ARE NAUGHTY BOYS.
YES, THEY ARE.
STOP, BOYS!
BOYS, BOYS.
GET BACK HERE!
SANTA! NO! GET BACK!
NO! DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR!
NOW, BOYS.
BOYS, BOYS, BOYS.
Tagger:
OH, BIG MAN!
HEY, BIG MAN,
LET'S SEE
WHAT YOU GOT!
Second Tagger:
LOOK AT THAT DUDE.
NOW, SON, I DON'T WAN ANY TROUBLE.
SORRY, PAL,
'CAUSE TROUBLE'S
WHAT YOU GOT.
NOW COME ON.
I DIDN'T WANT TO
HAVE TO DO THIS, BUT...
OHH, WE ARE IN TROUBLE.
Tagger: HA HA HA,
YOU'RE KIDDING ME,
RIGHT?
HA HA HA HA!
IS THIS GUY
FOR REAL?
ALL RIGHT,
COME ON. LET'S SEE
WHAT YOU GOT, HUH?
COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON!
LIKE THAT, HUH?
COME ON, YOU GONNA
TAKE A PUNCH OR WHAT?
COME ON, COME ON!
THIS GUY FOR REAL?
HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA.
NOW CUT THAT OUT.
NOW BRING IT!
LET'S GO!
THIS IS IT.
KITCHY-KITCHY COO!
HA HA HA HA!
ALL RIGHT,
THAT AIN'T FUNNY,
YOU KNOW!
ALL RIGHT,
COME ON!
Tagger: COME ON,
YOU CAN TAKE HIM,
GET HIM!
KOOTCHY-OOTCHY-OOTCHY!
Santa: YOU GIVE? YOU GIVE?
I GIVE, I GIVE, I GIVE,
I GIVE!
YOU'RE ONE
TOUGH TICKLER, MAN!
HO HO HO HO HO.
I SWEAR, YOU GUYS
TELL ANYBODY ABOUT THIS,
AND YOU'RE
GONNA DEAL WITH ME!
AND I DON'T TICKLE!
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, DOG.
YEAH, HOW'D YA
LIKE TO JOIN MY CREW?
HO. THAT'S
VERY HOSPITABLE OF YOU,
BUT, UH,
WE'VE GOT TO GET GOING.
AS I SAID,
WE HAVE BUSINESS
TO CONDUCT.
YOU SHOULDN' BE DRIVING
AROUND HERE, MAN.
THERE'S ALL KINDS
OF CREEPS RUNNING
AROUND, YOU KNOW?
DO YOU HAVE
A BETTER IDEA?
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]
HO HO HO HO HO.
THANK YOU, PABLO.
NOW YOU BOYS
CHECK YOUR STOCKINGS
TOMORROW
AND SEE WHA SANTA BROUGHT YOU.
Tagger: RIGHT ON, SANTA.
HO HO HO HO HO.
KIND OF CATCHING.
HA HA HA HA HA.
[JINGLE BELLS PLAYING]
WOW. ALBER WOULD LOVE IT.
Peter: COME ON, SANTA.
YOU'RE LATE!
UH, AM I? UH...
LOT OF GOOD
YOU DO ME NOW.
I NEEDED YOU
FOR THE FINAL RUSH
THIS AFTERNOON,
NOT AT CLOSING TIME.
DON'T THINK I'M NO GONNA REPORT THIS
TO YOUR UNION REP.
WELL, ACTUALLY,
I'M MORE
OF AN INDEPENDEN CONTRACTOR.
THE NEXT TIME
I NEED A BIG MAN
WITH COMPUTER EXPERIENCE,
I'LL PUT A PILLOW
UNDER MY SHIRT!
Kaitlin: UM, EXCUSE ME, SIR,
BUT COULD YOU SHOW ME
WHERE THE LOUMAX 2327s
ARE, PLEASE?
WELL, GO ON
AND SHOW HER.
AISLE 2.
OH, HEH.
RIGHT THIS WAY.
UGH.
TEMPS.
Danny: I GO A GOOD IDEA.
WHY DON'T WE GO
TO THE HOMELESS
SHELTER?
PASS OUT SOME STUFF
THERE.
HOMELESS SHELTER?
THEY HAVEN'T GOT ANYTHING...
SO, YES,
WE SHOULD GO THERE.
RIGHT. I'M WITH YOU...
OR...OR...
HEY, HERE'S A GREAT IDEA.
WHY DON'T WE
JUST ZOOM OVER
TO THE VANDERLIP MANSION
AND SPREAD SOME
CHRISTMAS MAGIC THERE?
NAH, THERE WON' BE ANY KIDS THERE.
JUST A WHOLE BUNCH
OF GROWNUPS
IN FANCY CLOTHES
AND JEWELS,
HAVING A PARTY
OR SOMETHING.
YEAH.
THEY'VE GOT MORE
THAN THEY NEED.
WHY WOULD WE WAN TO GIVE THEM MORE?
WELL, WE WOULDN'T.
BUT, YOU SEE, THAT'S--
THAT'S MY IDEA, DANNY.
LISTEN, THEY'RE PROBABLY
GONNA HAVE SOME KIND
OF MAJOR FEAST, RIGHT?
WITH CAVIAR, ROAST BEEF,
ALL THE TRIMMINGS.
I GUESS, YEAH.
SO, THIS IS WHERE WE OUTDO
THAT OLD FOGEY CLAUS.
WE SWITCH THE DINNERS.
AH HA HA HA!
YEAH, WE LE THE RICH FOLKS SEE
WHAT LIFE IS
REALLY LIKE FOR A CHANGE
WHILE, AT THE SAME TIME,
BRING A LITTLE CHRISTMAS CHEER
TO THE DOWNTRODDEN.
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA!
MAN, YOU ARE
A GREAT SANTA.
I TRY.
THESE BABIES
ARE STATE OF THE ART.
LOUMAX 2327s...
IT'S THE MOS POWERFUL HOME COMPUTER
EVER CONCEIVED,
WITH A 1.2 TETRABYTE
HARD DRIVE
AND A 6 GIGAHERTZ
PROCESSOR
AND 512 MEGS OF RAM.
KAITLIN,
SOMEONE'S COMING.
DO SOMETHING!
IF THEY CATCH US,
THEY'LL THROW US OUT.
HMM.
Peter:
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
HEY,
WHAT ARE YOU ALL
DOING OVER THERE?
NOTHING. I HAVE TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM.
SO GO.
CAN YOU TAKE ME?
HEY, I'M
NOT YOUR DAD,
LITTLE KID.
I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE
TO DO IT OVER HERE, THEN.
NO, NO. NOT THERE.
WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?
COME ON,
I'LL SHOW YOU
WHERE IT IS.
HE'S CREATED
A DIVERSION.
GREAT.
OK. THAT OUGHT TO DO IT.
NOW, PUSH THE ON BUTTON
AND HOPE.
Computer: THIS IS...
OK. LET'S WRANGLE US
A SLEIGH.
YEAH, LIFE IS FINALLY
CUTTING US BAD BOYS
A BREAK, HUH, DANNY?
WE JUST MIGH COME OUT ON TOP THIS TIME--
WHOA! EASY, EASY.
HOT SOUP.
OW.
[SIGHS]
YEAH, LET'S DEFINITELY
DO THIS AGAIN NEXT YEAR.
YEAH.
I'M SURE BY THEN,
SANTA'LL BE BACK
AT THE CONTROLS.
YOU NEVER CAN TELL
WITH HEAD INJURIES.
YEP, YOU AND I
MIGHT JUST HAVE
TO TAKE OVER THIS GIG
FOR MANY YEARS TO COME,
MY FRIEND.
[LAUGHS]
THERE'S THE MANSION.
OH, YEAH.
Danny: READY?
YEAH.
LET'S TAKE HER IN.
DANNY, EASY.
THIS ISN'T SPLASH MOUNTAIN.
BUT I'M NO DOING THAT.
WHAT?
I'VE LOST CONTROL.
SOMEBODY ELSE IS
STEERING THE SLEIGH.
WELL, WHO?!
Kaitlin: OH!
THAT'S GOTTA BE THEM.
OK, DANNY.
LET'S SHOW YOU WHO'S
IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT.
Danny and Nick:
WHOA-OH-OH!
AAAH!
LET ME HAVE THAT THING!
Danny: NO, NO,
IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.
Both: WHOA!
SOMEBODY'S HACKED
INTO OUR SYSTEM.
THEY'RE FLYING
OUR SLEIGH.
WHOA!
WHOO!
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
WHOEVER'S DOING THIS
HAS GO A MUCH MORE POWERFUL
COMPUTER THAN WE DO.
WHOA!
Nick: WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
HOLD ON!
GOOD IDEA!
OK, I KNOW.
I'LL PUT IN
THE COORDINATES
FOR MY HOUSE.
Santa: YOU'D BETTER HURRY.
Danny: OK, HERE'S
A STUPID IDEA.
Nick: I'M LISTENING.
WE COULD...
CUT THE POWER OFF,
THEN THROW I BACK ON REAL QUICK.
THAT WOULD
STOP THE SIGNAL,
BUT IT COULD
ALSO DO SOME DAMAGE
TO THE HARD DRIVE.
WHO CARES
ABOUT THE HARD DRIVE?
IT'S OUR ONLY CHOICE.
LET'S DO IT NOW
BECAUSE WE'RE
RIGHT OVER THE MANSION. GO.
[SLEIGH POWERS DOWN]
Both: AAAAAAAH!
DON'T YOU THINK
IT'S ABOUT TIME
WE TURN IT BACK ON?!
I'M TRYING!
I'M TRYING!
YES! AH HA HA HA HA!
YOU DID IT! WHOO-HOO!
OK. WE'RE STILL DROPPING,
BUT NOT AS FAST.
OK, EASY, NOW. EASY.
ALL RIGHT. I KNOW.
I GOT IT.
DON'T WORRY,
DON'T WORRY.
EASY!
I GOT IT, I GOT IT.
I'M AN ACE.
OK. GOOD. WE'RE SAFE.
I ALMOST LOST MY COOKIES.
SHALL WE?
WHILE THE SOUP'S STILL HOT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
I LOST THEM.
I HAD THEM
RIGHT IN MY HANDS.
YOU KNOW, I GUESS
IT'S JUST POSSIBLE
THAT MY BROTHER
MIGHT BE SMARTER
THAN I GIVE HIM
CREDIT FOR.
NAH.
THAT'S IT.
YOUR BROTHER
HAS STOLEN MY SLEIGH.
HE'S OBVIOUSLY
IN CAHOOTS WITH
THAT UNCLE OF YOURS.
HE'S ON THE NAUGHTY LIS FOR LIFE.
BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR.
YOU DON'T KNOW DANNY, SANTA.
HE WOULDN'T STEAL IT.
THERE'S GOTTA BE A REASON.
AND I MAY WELL
PUT IN A CALL
TO MY GOOD OLD FRIEND,
THE EASTER BUNNY.
THE ONLY WAY
THAT YOUNG MAN WILL
GET EGGS IN HIS BASKE IS IF HE LAYS THEM
HIMSELF.
WHOA.
OHH, EXQUISITE.
HMM. OOH.
WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?
[SIGHS] JUNK.
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED
OF YOURSELF.
A BIT EARLY.
OOPS!
OHH, NICKY LIKES.
BOOP!
ROOP-BOOP-DO-DO-BE-DOO
DO-DO-DE-DOODLY-DOO
HMM...HMM...EHH.
OH. YES, YES.
OK.
STILL, THERE'S
SOMETHING WRONG
WITH THE ENSEMBLE.
OH!
OF COURSE.
THE NECKLACE.
ALLOW ME.
[HUMS] HOW'S IT GOING
IN THERE, BIG D?
Danny: FINE.
HA HA.
ME, TOO!
[SINGS]
IT'S STILL HOT.
[GASPS] HOLY BLITZEN!
THE VANDERLIP DIAMOND.
POUR MOI?
OOH.
OH-OH-OH.
OH, IT IS
A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
EXCUSE ME?
SORRY?
MMWAH. OH!
HEH HEH.
MRS. VANDERLIP.
TSK, TSK.
NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY.
OH, THIS REALLY IS
EXQUISITE.
UNCLE NICK?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I WAS JUST MINGLING.
I THOUGHT THERE
WAS SOMETHING FISHY
ABOUT YOUR LUMPY STOMACH.
THERE'S STUFF IN THERE.
STUFF? WHAT STUFF?
UHH!
[WHIMPERS]
THAT STUFF.
OH, THIS STUFF, HEH.
YES, UH...
[SIGHS]
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.
SEE,
I'M COLLECTING ITEMS
FOR A CHARITY FUND-RAISER
TO HELP FIGHT...
BAD THINGS.
AAAAAAH!
UNH!
OHH!
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO LIE ANYMORE.
I MEAN,
I'M NOT THAT DENSE.
THIS WHOLE NIGHT HAS
ALL BEEN ONE BIG, FAT SETUP.
YOU SCAMMED ME
SO YOU COULD STEAL STUFF.
NO. DANNY.
LOOK, JUST, UH...
IT IS THE GIVING SEASON,
RIGHT?
NOW, JUST--JUS THINK OF IT AS--
AS THEM
GIVING TO THE
LESS-FORTUNATE, HMM?
OH. HERE.
HAVE A STRADIVARIUS.
GO ON, TAKE IT!
THAT'S IT.
WE'RE DONE.
OK.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I PROMISE, NO MORE.
NO, I MEAN YOU AND ME.
WE'RE DONE.
FOR GOOD.
[CHORTLES]
COME ON.
DANNY.
HEH HEH HEH.
IT'S YOUR UNCLE NICK.
Nick: YO, D-MAN,
WHERE YA GOIN'?
D!
WHOA, DANNY!
DANNY, DANNY,
DANNY. HOLD ON.
COME ON. HEY, HEY.
OK, OK. ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'LL LEVEL WITH YOU, OK?
IT'S JUST I'VE BEEN HAVING
A SMALL CASH FLOW PROBLEM.
SO--SO THIS WAS JUS A TIDE-ME-OVER KIND OF
ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME THING.
I MEAN, I REALLY WOULDN' MAKE TOO MUCH OUT OF THIS.
ALL RIGHT. I'M SORRY. OK?
I'M SORRY
I DIDN'T TELL YOU,
BUT, COME ON!
WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE SAID?
I WOULD'VE SAID,
"DON'T DO IT."
[LAUGHS] SEE?
THAT'S MY POINT.
OK. IT'S ALL GOOD NOW.
[SIGHS]
WHERE TO NOW?
WELL,
I'M GOING BACK HOME,
SEE IF I CAN
REALLY HELP SANTA.
OH, YEAH. YEAH.
YEAH, RIGHT.
THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
YOU'RE NOT COMING BACK
WITH ME, ARE YOU?
NO, I, UH, I...NO.
NO, I DON'T THINK
IT'S SUCH A GOOD IDEA.
YEAH, THAT'S
WHAT I THOUGHT.
BUT, HEY. WE WILL
DEFINITELY HOOK UP, OK?
I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL.
WE'LL HOOK UP.
OK? HEH HEH.
DAN, MY MAN. HEH HEH.
ALL RIGHT, PAL?
DANNY?
WHAT?
HEY, WE STILL
HAVE MONACO, RIGHT?
[DINNER GUESTS
SHOUTING]
NOW WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
NEITHER DO I.
IT LOOKS LIKE
CHRISTMAS IS OVER.
[ALL SIGH]
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
HOW WILL YOU GET HOME?
THAT'S
A GOOD QUESTION.
THAT'S GOING TO TAKE
SOME FIGURING,
THANKS TO
YOUR NAUGHTY BROTHER.
BUT DANNY
ISN'T NAUGHTY.
HE'S NOT.
WELL, HE'S DOING
A PRETTY GOOD IMITATION.
OK, BUT WHA IF HE GAVE YOU
YOUR SLEIGH BACK
AND SAID
HE WAS SORRY?
WOULD YOU
STILL KEEP HIM
ON YOUR BAD LIS AND CALL THE BUNNY?
WELL, MAYBE NOT,
BUT THAT'S NO TOO LIKELY TO HAPPEN,
NOW, IS IT?
[CRASH]
AAAAAH!
WHA--
I KNEW
YOU'D COME BACK.
UHH, HEY. PETER?
DANNY,
SANTA'S REALLY
MAD AT YOU.
YEAH, I HAD A FEELING
HE MIGHT BE.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU HAVE
TO SAY FOR YOURSELF
NOW, DANNY?
UH...
MERRY CHRISTMAS?
A SCREWDRIVER.
SCREWDRIVER.
SOLDERING IRON.
SOLDERING IRON.
NEEDLE-NOSE PLIERS.
NEEDLE-NOSE
PLIERS.
HOW'S IT GOING?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
IF I CAN FIX THIS ONE, DANNY.
YOU REALLY DID IT THIS TIME.
CRESCENT WRENCH.
CRESCENT WRENCH.
SANTA?
I OWE YOU
AN APOLOGY.
I'M SORRY.
BUT I--I WASN' TRYING TO STEAL
YOUR SLEIGH.
I HOPE
YOU BELIEVE ME.
FRANKLY, SON, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE.
[SIGHS]
MY UNCLE NICK--
HE'S...HE'S
NOT REALLY
A BAD GUY...
I GUESS.
I MEAN--HE'S, UH...
HE JUST GOT A
LITTLE OVER HIS
HEAD THIS TIME,
AND--AND THEN
THAT'S THE WAY
IT IS.
[SNIFFLES]
HE'S JUST, UH...
A SCAMMER?
YEAH.
HOW DOES IT FEEL
BEING THE ONE SCAMMED
THIS TIME?
NOT GOOD.
WELL, THAT'S
THE BALL GAME, BOYS.
THERE'S NO WAY THIS PUPPY
IS GOING ANYWHERE ELSE
ANYTIME SOON.
YOUR HARD DRIVE'S
TOTALLY FRIED.
I TAKE I THAT'S BAD?
THAT'S REAL BAD.
AND THE COMPUTER STORE
IS CLOSED ALL DAY TOMORROW.
[SIGHS]
THE EARLIES I COULD GET YOU UP
IS SOMETIME
ON THE 26th.
[CHOIR SINGING
CHRISTMAS HYMN]
HE'LL BE OK.
KIDS REBOUND.
THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.
IN A WEEK HE'LL FORGE ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.
HEY.
I'LL SEND HIM A PRESENT.
SOMETHING BIG.
A BIG...
EXPENSIVE...
THING.
OHHH.
[CHOIR SINGING]
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
HEY. HEY, BUDDY.
WE'RE LOOKING
FOR 300 WALNUT STREET.
HOW FAR?
[PRETENDING
TO HAVE COUGHING FIT]
LET'S GO. IT'S GOTTA
BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.
GET READY
FOR THIS, ELIOT.
DINNER TIME,
BOYS.
OH, YEAH!
[TIRES SCREECH]
HO HO, HOLY SMOKE,
THAT WAS CLOSE.
HA HA HA HA!
OHH...
300...WALNUT STREET?
HEY, SANTA.
YOU GETTIN' IN?
I--
ALL THESE YEARS,
AND I'VE NEVER MISSED
A CHRISTMAS DELIVERY
UNTIL NOW.
BUT MAYBE
IT'S FOR THE BEST.
MAYBE IT'D
DO PEOPLE GOOD
TO KNOW WHAT IT'S
LIKE WITHOUT SANTA.
MAYBE THEY'D
APPRECIATE CHRISTMAS
MORE.
APPRECIATE ME
A LITTLE MORE.
YES.
MAYBE I'LL JUST TAKE
A FEW YEARS OFF.
YOU DON'T MEAN THAT?
WHY NOT?
EVERYBODY ELSE
SEEMS TO BE THINKING
ONLY OF THEMSELVES.
MAYBE I'LL JUS GIVE UP AND JOIN THEM!
WHY, MAYBE I'LL TAKE
THIS PASTY OLD CARCASS
OFF TO FLORIDA,
LET RUDOLPH
RUB SUNBLOCK ON MY BACK,
SIP AN UMBRELLA DRINK,
LISTEN TO A STEEL BAND,
AND LET SOMEONE ELSE
DO THE HOLIDAY
HEAVY LIFTING.
YOU THINK A TAN WOULD
MAKE ME LOOK THINNER?
BUT THERE
ISN'T ANYONE ELSE.
YOU'RE SANTA.
DON'T WORRY, SON.
SANTA'S JUS A LITTLE DEPRESSED.
[SANTA SIGHS]
IT'S BEEN
ONE OF THOSE DAYS.
EVERYTHING
THAT COULD GO WRONG
DID GO WRONG.
300 WALNUT STREET, BILL!
BILL! BILL! BILL!
STOP THE CAR!
STOP THE--BILL! BILL!
AND IS STILL GOING WRONG.
BILL! BILL!
PUT ON THE BRAKES!
THAT IS THE LAST TIME
I LET YOU DRIVE, BILL.
I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING!
I DON'T CARE IF YOU
CAN'T SEE ANYTHING.
THAT IS THE LAST TIME
I LET YOU DRIVE!
GET OUT OF HERE!
COME ON, LET'S GO.
OK, WHERE IS HE?
YEAH, WHERE
IS NICK WRIGLEY,
THE LYING,
COMPUTER-HACKING
LITTLE THIEF?!
HE'S NOT HERE.
DON'T GIVE US
THE RUNAROUND ALREADY!
WE KNOW HE'S HERE!
OH, YEAH.
WE TRACKED HIM
WITH A GLOBAL
POSITIONING
SATELLITE.
AND THE GPS DON'T LIE.
THE GPS 1162?
Bill: YOU GOT IT, GIRL.
WELL, HE'S--
HE'S STILL NOT HERE.
OK, WHO
ARE YOU PEOPLE?
NICK IS OUR UNCLE.
HE WAS HERE,
BUT NOW HE'S GONE. OK?
SO--SO JUST MOVE ON.
LISTEN!
WE'VE BEEN DRIVING
AROUND ALL NIGHT.
WE'RE VERY UPSET.
BILL LOS A CONTACT LENS.
IT'S INSIDE
MY OWN HEAD.
I HAVE A MIGRAINE.
AND ELIO HASN'T HURT ANYONE
IN OVER 5 HOURS.
NOW, WE KNOW
HE'S IN THERE.
SO EITHER YOU
PRODUCE NICK WRIGLEY
RIGHT THIS SECOND...
OR WE'LL GO IN
AND FIND HIM,
EVEN IF WE HAVE
TO TAKE THIS HOUSE
APART NAIL BY NAIL.
SHINGLE BY SHINGLE!
LIMB BY LIMB.
AFTER YOU,
ELIOT.
Santa: HOLD ON, NOW.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I THINK THAT THE DESTRUCTION
OF THIS FINE HOME
WILL NOT SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM.
NOW, IN THE SPIRI OF CHRISTMAS--
GET OUT OF THE WAY,
OLD MAN.
[SIGHS]
SOMEONE NEEDS A TICKLE.
KOOCHIE-KOOCHIE-KOOCHIE
KOOCHIE-KOOCHIE!
TICKIE-TICKIE-TICKIE
TICKIE-TICKIE-TICK...
EEE...
EH...
AHEM.
YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.
Nick: LEAVE THEM ALONE.
Harry: THERE HE IS!
Bill: OH,
ISN'T THAT CHARMING?
NICK WRIGLEY
COMING TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
BRINGING
THE CHRISTMAS CHEER.
OH.
KICKS THE CAR DOOR.
LOVE THE SANTA SUIT,
NICK.
ALSO THE LITTLE BAG
OF PRESENTS.
CUTE, YEAH.
I HOPE FOR YOUR SAKE
THERE'S A PRESENT WORTH
30,000 BUCKS IN YOUR BAG.
OH, I'VE GOT THINGS
WORTH A LOT MORE
THAN THAT.
HA HA HA HA!
THE MAN!
BUT I CAN' GIVE THEM TO YOU.
WHY NOT?
WELL, FIRST OF ALL,
YOU 3 BOYS
HAVE BEEN VERY NAUGHTY.
SECONDLY, THEY'RE...
NOT MINE TO GIVE.
OH, I THOUGHT IT WAS
ALL MINE FOR A WHILE,
BUT, UH...
IT'S NOT WORTH
WHAT I'D HAVE TO
GIVE UP TO KEEP IT,
SO...
ALL THESE LOVELY THINGS
HAVE TO GO BACK
TO THE PEOPLE
THEY BELONG TO.
[LAUGHS]
YOU BETTER BE
KIDDING, WRIGLEY.
NO. NO, I'M NOT.
ELIOT, HE'S ALL YOURS.
RUN, UNCLE NICK!
DON'T WORRY, PETER.
THIS GUY WON'T HURT ME.
AND WHY WON'T I HURT YOU?
'CAUSE, FRANKLY, ELIOT,
DEEP INSIDE,
YOU'RE JUST A SCARED,
UNHAPPY LITTLE MAN.
HA HA HA HA HA!
[BILL AND HARRY LAUGHING]
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
OH, YEAH.
HA HA HA HA HA!
YEAH.
AND BECAUSE
I HAVE THIS.
[ALL LAUGHING]
OOH HA HA!
AH HA HA!
THERE WE GO.
OHH...
[LAUGHING IN A TINY VOICE]
[LAUGHING TRAILS OFF]
UH-OH.
DID I MENTION "LITTLE"?
UH...UH...UH...
[BOTH GASP]
MOMMY.
[BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY]
[TIRES SCREECH]
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!
REMEMBER,
HE'S MAKIN' A LIST!
YUK-YUK-YUK-YUK-YUK.
COME HERE.
HA HA HA HA!
PETER!
GOOD JOB, NICK.
OH. HERE.
THANK YOU.
[VOICE BREAKING]
HO HO HO HO HO...
[LAUGHING]
Santa: AH, COME HERE.
[LAUGHING]
VERY TOUCHING, YOU GUYS.
BUT THIS WHOLE LOVE FES DOESN'T EXACTLY
SOLVE OUR PROBLEMS.
WHAT PROBLEMS?
THE SLEIGH IS BROKEN.
YOU TWO JERKS BLEW OU THE ON-BOARD COMPUTER.
OH, YEAH,
RIGHT.
YEAH.
WHAT ABOUT HOOKING UP
ONE OF OUR COMPUTERS?
GREAT, BUT HOW LONG
AN EXTENSION CORD
DO YOU THINK YOU'D NEED
TO FLY TO THE NORTH POLE?
WOULD A POWERFUL
LAPTOP WORK?
MAYBE.
OH, NO.
NO.
NOT LAPPY.
HO HO HO HO HO!
THANK YOU, KAITLIN.
HO HO HO HO HO...
AND, NICK,
THANK YOU FOR LAPPY.
THIS HAS BEEN
A VERY GOOD FIRST STEP
ON YOUR LONG ROAD
TO REHABILITATION.
WAIT.
HOW LONG DO I...
ALL RIGHT.
ANYWAY,
IT'S ABOUT TIME
YOU GOT SOMETHING
FOR CHRISTMAS
BESIDES
MILK AND COOKIES.
[CHUCKLES]
AND I'LL TAKE CARE
OF YOUR RETURNS FOR YOU.
UNLESS, OF COURSE,
YOU'D CARE TO COME ALONG
AND DO IT YOURSELF?
UH, SANTA,
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT,
BUT, UH...
WE NEED
UNCLE NICK HERE.
'CAUSE, UH,
WHAT'S CHRISTMAS
WITHOUT A FAMILY
TO CELEBRATE I WITH?
WELL, IN THAT CASE,
I'D BETTER BE GOING.
NOW, REMEMBER,
YOU GOTTA KEEP THIS
UNDER YOUR HATS, ALL RIGHT?
NOT A WORD TO ANYONE.
RIGHT?
OK.
[CLEARS THROAT]
YOU KNOW, I'M GOING
TO HAVE TO RECONSIDER
THIS WHOLE "NAUGHTY
AND NICE" TRADITION.
IT'S NOT AS BLACK AND WHITE
AS I THOUGHT.
AND I HAVE YOU WRIGLEYS
TO THANK FOR THAT.
WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Kids: MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Nick: MERRY CHRISTMAS,
SANTA.
WELL?
GIVE US SOME ROOM!
OOH.
OH.
SORRY.
Danny: BYE, SANTA!
Kaitlin: BYE, SANTA.
Nick: BYE!
Kaitlin: MERRY CHRISTMAS,
SANTA.
Danny:
HAVE A NICE TRIP!
Nick: THANK YOU, SANTA!
Peter: MERRY CHRISTMAS,
SANTA.
[CHUCKLES]
"NOT A CREATURE
WAS STIRRING,
NOT EVEN A MOUSE."
BOY, DO I FEEL SILLY.
JUST A SECOND.
I ALREADY GO MY BIG PRESENT.
MM.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[DOOR SLAMS]
[BELLS JINGLING]
[FOOTSTEPS COMING DOWNSTAIRS]
[LAUGHING AND SHOUTING]
UNCLE NICK, IT'S CHRISTMAS!
IT'S TIME FOR PRESENTS.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S CHRISTMAS TODAY.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
Abby: OH,
MERRY CHRISTMAS, NICK.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
YEAH.
[EVERYONE LAUGHING
AND TALKING]
John: WHAT TIME IS IT?
Kaitlin: DADDY,
THIS ONE'S FOR YOU.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
OH, WHAT'S THAT ONE?
OH, GOSH.
FOR ME? THANK YOU.
I THINK
YOU GOT ONE HERE.
OOH!
THANK YOU.
THERE YOU GO.
WHO'S THIS FROM?
Peter: THAT'S FOR YOU.
YEAH. THIS--THIS--
THAT'S FOR YOU.
Abby:
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS,
MOM AND DAD.
I OWE YOU
ONE PRESENT."
THAT'S, UH...
THAT'S LOVELY.
Danny: I--I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO GET YOU.
YEAH...
I TOLD YOU
WHAT I WANT.
MERRY CHRISTMAS,
DANNY.
Danny: MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU.
YOU OPEN UP THAT ONE.
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA
LIKE THAT.
[UNWRAPPING PRESENT]
Peter: UNCLE NICK,
I FOUND ONE FOR YOU.
FOR ME?
YEAH.
OK. GREAT.
TOSS IT.
UHH!
GEE, IT'S TOO BIG.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
HOLD ON THERE, PAL.
Nick: OH, WOW.
IT'S MY GUITAR.
THE ONE FROM
McCUSACK'S MUSIC STORE.
Kaitlin:
OH, LOOK, A CARD.
YOU FORGO TO READ IT.
"TO MY FAVORITE NAUGHTY BOY.
"SORRY FOR THE DELAY,
"BUT BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.
LOVE, SANTA."
OH.
PLAY IT, UNCLE NICK.
YEAH. YEAH,
COME ON, PLAY IT.
PLEASE?
John: COME ON,
PLAY IT, NICK.
All: COME ON.
Peter: PLEASE?
NO. NO, ACTUALLY
I BETTER NOT.
I'M GONNA HAVE
TO SELL THIS AX
TO PAY OFF
SOME OF MY DEBTS.
WELL, YOU'RE NO GONNA SELL IT TODAY.
SO, COME ON,
BIG ROCK STAR,
LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
YEAH, COME ON.
THE KIDS HAVE NEVER
HEARD YOU PLAY.
COME ON, EVERYBODY,
LET'S GO. COME ON!
TO THE SOFA.
John: EVERYBODY
ON THE SOFA.
ALL RIGHT.
Peter: COME ON
ON THE SOFA!
OH! THAT'S GREAT.
John: YEAH!
Abby: WHOO!
[CLEARS THROAT]
[CLEARS THROAT]
OK, IT'S, UH...
BEEN A LITTLE WHILE
SINCE I'VE--
OH, COME ON.
ROCK AND ROLL!
NO EXCUSES.
[STRUMS GUITAR]
[PLAYS JINGLE BELLS BADLY]
[PROFESSIONAL RIFFING]
YEAH!
WHOO!
ALL RIGHT!
OH, WHAT A HOT DOG.
WHAT A HOT DOG.
John: WHOO!
Abby: WHOO! YEAH!
John: GO, NICK!
GO, NICK! GO, NICK!
WHOO!
Danny: 'TWAS THE MORNING
OF CHRISTMAS,
THE END OF OUR TALE.
SANTA BROUGH ALL THE STUFF BACK,
MY UNCLE NICK
DIDN'T GO TO JAIL.
AND I'VE LEARNED
THE BEST GIFT OF CHRISTMAS,
COMES AT NO PRICE.
IT'S TO BE
WITH YOUR FAMILY,
WHETHER YOU'RE
NAUGHTY OR NICE.
SO THAT'S THE END
OF OUR STORY.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE.
[MUSIC BEGINS]
I SAW SANTA
ON THE ROOF OF MY HOUSE
HE WAS HAVING TROUBLE
WITH HIS SLEIGH
SO I GAVE HIM A PUSH
AND HIS SLED
STARTED FLYING
AND THIS IS
WHAT SANTA SAID
HE SAID, "HEY, LITTLE BOY,
WHAT DO YOU NEED?"
SANTA I WANT EVERYTHING,
GIVE IT TO ME
HE SAID,
"WHAT DO YOU WANT
UNDER YOUR TREE?"
SANTA I WANT EVERYTHING,
GIVE IT TO ME
Boy: 'TWAS THE NIGH BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE,
NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING,
NOT EVEN A MOUSE.
[CHILD SCREAMS]
THE STOCKINGS WERE HUNG
BY THE CHIMNEY WITH CARE...
IN HOPES THAT SAINT NICHOLAS
SOON WOULD BE THERE.
AND HE WAS. RIGHT THERE.
IN MY HOUSE.
THE REAL SANTA. ALIVE.
THAT'S RIGHT, THE BEARDED ONE
REALLY EXISTS.
BUT I'M GETTING A LITTLE
AHEAD OF MY STORY HERE.
LET'S GO BACK
A LITTLE EARLIER.
'TWAS THE DAY
BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
AND ALL THROUGH THE PAD,
EVERYONE WAS AT HOME,
EVEN WORKAHOLIC OL' DAD.
AND MOM IN THE KITCHEN
COOKING STILL LIKE A ROOKIE,
SCORCHING THE BACKS
OF THE GINGERBREAD COOKIES.
AND THEN, THERE'S MY SISTER,
A PARENTS' DELIGHT.
ANNOYING, BAD-TEMPERED,
AND OBNOXIOUSLY BRIGHT.
AND PRECIOUS LITTLE PETER,
THE FAMILY LOVES HIM
THE MOST.
IF HE COMES INTO MY ROOM
ONE MORE TIME,
HE'LL BE TOAST.
THEN THERE IS ME,
HANDSOME AND TRUE.
THE BEST AT EVERYTHING
THAT ANYONE CAN DO.
INTELLIGENT, WITTY,
THERE IS NO DOUBT.
KIND, COMPASSIONATE.
PETER, GET OUT.
BUT, DANNY--
WHAT'S THE RULE
ABOUT COMING IN MY ROOM?
NEVER COME
IN YOUR ROOM.
BUT DAD
WANTS TO KNOW
WHEN YOU WAN TO DECORATE
THE TREE.
I WANT TO
DECORATE THE TREE
ON CHRISTMAS EVE,
LIKE
EVERY OTHER YEAR
WE'VE EVER DECORATED
CHRISTMAS TREES
IN THIS FAMILY.
BUT IT IS
CHRISTMAS EVE.
IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS EVE,
DOOFUS.
THAT'S TOMORROW.
NOW CLOSE THE DOOR.
OK, WHATEVER
YOU SAY.
CHRISTMAS EVE.
[EXPLOSION]
CHRISTMAS EVE?
OOPS.
Danny: THERE'S A PROBLEM
WITH CHRISTMAS,
WHEN YOUR WALLET IS LIGHT.
YOU CAN'T STAND YOUR FATHER,
AND YOUR SISTER IS JUST...
A LITTLE TOO BRIGHT.
YOU MUST TURN TO THE ONE
WHO GETS YOU OUT OF YOUR FUNK,
JUST SELL YOUR LITTLE BROTHER
A WHOLE BUNCH OF...JUNK.
HEY, SWEETIE.
WHAT'S ALL THAT STUFF?
I'VE BEEN
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.
SHOPPING? WHERE?
DANNY'S ROOM.
DANIEL FRANCIS WRIGLEY,
GET OUT HERE NOW!
UH-OH.
[TICKING]
WHAT ABOUT MY
NO-RETURNS POLICY?
DANNY,
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED
TO SHAKE DOWN
YOUR LITTLE BROTHER.
HE WASN'T SHAKING ME.
HE WAS BEING NICE.
PETE, HE WAS TAKING
ADVANTAGE OF YOU,
AND HE OUGHT TO BE
ASHAMED OF HIMSELF.
DON'T HOLD
YOUR BREATH.
STICK A SOCK
IN IT, KATY.
DANNY.
WHAT?
OK. PLEASE
STICK A SOCK IN IT.
BUT, MOM, I WAN ALL THAT STUFF.
SEE?
WHO'S THE VICTIM
HERE?
HE'S NO COMPLAINING.
COME ON.
IT'S JUST LIKE
UNCLE NICK SAYS.
I'M JUST HELPING HIM
SHARE THE WEALTH.
UNCLE NICK, HUH?
IT'S TOO BAD IT'S ALWAYS
SOMEONE ELSE'S WEALTH
THAT UNCLE NICK
IS SO EAGER TO SHARE.
NO. UNCLE NICK
IS THE BOMB.
HE IS, OK?
YOU JUST DON' UNDERSTAND HIM.
Mom: DANNY, NICK'S GO A LOT OF GOOD QUALITIES,
YES, BUT HE'S NOT EXACTLY
A GOOD ROLE MODEL FOR YOU.
ALL RIGHT?
Dad:
HE'S A CON ARTIST.
Danny: HE'S
AN ENTREPRENEUR.
RIGHT. OK.
HE'S A CON ARTIS WITH A LAPTOP.
IT'S NOT A MATTER
OF THE PRESENTS.
IT'S A MATTER OF
TAKING ADVANTAGE OF
YOUR LITTLE BROTHER.
HE LOOKS UP TO YOU
THE SAME WAY YOU
LOOK UP TO NICK.
Peter: AAH!
[CRASH]
OH, PETER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU SAID
IT WAS FAMILY MONEY.
HO HO, OH, BUDDY.
DANNY'S OUR FAMILY,
AND HE NEEDS IT.
I WAS JUS SHARING THE WEALTH.
OK, THAT'S WEIRD.
I CAN SEE
HIS LIPS MOVING,
BUT I CAN HEAR
DANNY TALKING.
IT'S OK, DANNY.
YOU CAN SHAKE ME DOWN
IF YOU WANT TO.
I LIKE IT.
DO ME A FAVOR, PETE.
JUST DON'T,
LIKE, UH,
SAY THAT IN
FRONT OF ANYONE...
EVER AGAIN.
OK?
UNCLE NICK IS BY FAR
THE COOLEST PERSON
IN THIS FAMILY.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW HE AND DAD
COULD BE
FROM THE SAME PARENTS.
YOU'RE THE COOLEST,
DANNY.
I APPRECIATE THAT,
LITTLE DUDE,
BUT, UM...
I GOT A LONG WAY TO GO
TO MEASURE UP
TO UNCLE NICK.
I BET HE'S SOMEPLACE
RIGHT THIS MINUTE
MAKING A MAJOR
BIG-BUCKS BUSINESS DEAL.
HE PROBABLY HAS 'EM
BEGGING FOR MERCY.
I'M BEGGING YOU,
PLEASE DON'T HURT ME.
Man: ALL RIGHT, NICK.
WHERE'S YOUR OFFICE?
BUT THIS IS MY OFFICE.
Second man: WELL, THEN,
WHERE ARE ALL
YOUR HIGHLY-SKILLED
EMPLOYEES, NICK?
OUT TO LUNCH?
[MAN GRUMBLES]
OK, IT'S JUST ME--
ME AND MY COMPUTER.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
GONNA DO WITH ME?
WHO ARE YOU GUYS?
WE GUYS ARE THE GUYS
THAT GOT SWINDLED BY
YOUR PHONY WEBSITE,
NICK.
YEAH. I GUESS THE NAME
SHOULD'VE TIPPED US OFF--
REALFASTDOUGH.COM.
YOU TWO KNUCKLEHEADS?
OHH! OH, COME ON, BILL.
LET ME SLAP HIM.
LET ME GIVE HIM SOME
OF THAT MAMA'S KITCHEN
DISCIPLINE.
NO, HARRY.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
SLAPPING HIM
WILL NOT GET BACK
THE $30,000
HE BILKED US OUT OF
WITH HIS BOGUS LITTLE
BUSINESS OFFERING.
HOW DID I GET TIED UP?
Both: WE ASK
THE QUESTIONS HERE.
WHERE'S OUR MONEY?
FINE. I'LL TELL YOU.
FIRST I PUT YOUR MONEY
INTO A SAFE LONG-TERM CD,
THEN I SHIFTED THE CAPITAL
INTO A REAL UP-AND-COMING IPO--
MADE A KILLING--
FLIPPED IT THE SAME DAY
INTO SOME MUTUAL FUNDS,
BLUE CHIP STOCKS--
NICK, PLEASE!
WHERE IS IT?
WELL, THERE IS
A MEASURE OF RISK
IN EVERY INVESTMENT.
IT'S GONE.
I JU--
[GROANS]
SO, NICK...
YOU DID IT ALL HERE
ON YOUR NIFTY LITTLE
LAPTOP, HUH?
OH, THAT'S NICE,
VERY, VERY NICE.
PLEASE BE CAREFUL
OF LAPPY.
IT'S VERY SENSITIVE.
SENSITIVE?
NICK'S GO A SENSITIVE COMPUTER.
HO HA HA HA!
YOU EVER SEE WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU POUR
A HOT CUP OF COCOA
OVER A SENSITIVE
COMPUTER, NICK?
IT AIN'T PRETTY.
NO, DON'T, NOT TO LAPPY!
MY WHOLE LIFE
IS ON THAT THING!
ALL MY ACCOUNT NUMBERS
AND CONTACTS, BUSINESSES.
ALL YOUR SCAMS,
YOU MEAN, NICK.
WHAT SCAMS?
OOH!
OK!
OK. THOSE, TOO.
JUST PLEASE
DON'T DAMAGE MY COMPUTER
AND--AND--AND...
AND DON'T HURT ME.
OH, WE'RE NO GONNA HURT YOU OR
YOUR COMPUTER, NICK.
NO. WE'RE
GONNA LEAVE THA TO OUR VICE PRESIDEN OF COLLECTIONS--ELIOT.
OH, BOY, ANOTHER ONE
LIKE YOU.
I DON'T THINK
I CAN TAKE--
ELIOT?
THAT'S ME.
[CRACKS KNUCKLES]
NICE TO MEET YOU.
YEE-AAAAAH!
AAAAAAAH!
Both: AAAAAH!
AAAAH!
YEEE-AAAAAH!
AAAAAH!
AAH.
30 LARGE IN CASH
CHRISTMAS MORNING
OR YOU, NICK,
ARE THE COCOA.
[NASALLY] I UNDERSTAND.
I UNDERSTAND. OK.
OH, THAT'S HOT.
OH, DID BILLY
BURN HIMSELF?
IT'S OK.
LET HARRY BLOW.
LET HARRY BLOW.
NOW GO UNTIE HIM!
OK.
OK.
OW.
[SNIFFS]
UH, GUYS, WAIT.
UH, I'M GONNA NEED LAPPY
IF YOU WANT ME TO MAKE
ANY HEADWAY ON YOUR CASH.
NO, I DON'T--
TCH, TCH, TCH,
TCH, TCH!
OK.
YOU CAN HAVE IT.
THANK YOU. [COUGHS]
AND, NICK...
DON'T TRY TO LEAVE
TOWN, EITHER. OK?
OR ELIOT HERE WILL
START BY DISABLING
YOUR PRECIOUS
HARD DRIVE THERE,
AND THEN HE'S
GONNA WORK HIS WAY
UP TO YOU.
YEAH.
I'M NOT LEAVING TOWN.
GAME'S OVER.
IT'S TIME TO GET OUT.
WHOA!
FIRE IS BURNING SLOW
NOW WHERE'S
THAT MISTLETOE?
OH, OH, OH, OH
DEAR
IT'S GETTING
KIND OF HOT IN HERE
I NEED A TASTE
OF CHRISTMAS CHEER
HOPE HE GETS HERE QUICK
I NEED
A SAINT NICK, NICK
I GUESS
IT JUST HAD TO BE
ALL WRAPPED UP FOR ME
ACK!
Man: OK, YOU GOT IT?
HERE WE GO.
HE TRADED IN HIS REINDEER
FOR A LIMOUSINE
HE'S WEARING PURPLE TROUSERS
INSTEAD OF RED AND GREEN
ON 2.
READY?
OOH. AAH.
AAAAAAH!
GO ON.
HEY!
Children, chanting:
WE WANT SANTA!
WE WANT SANTA!
WE WANT SANTA!
[CHANTING]
OOH!
MURRAY, HURRY UP.
THERE'S ABOU A THOUSAND BRATS
WAITING FOR US OUT THERE.
HEY, YOU, ELF.
YOU SEE SOMEONE
GO IN THERE?
OH, GREAT.
WHAT NOW, NICK?
MURRAY.
[WHISTLING]
JUST IN
THE NICK OF TIME.
HEY!
WHAT THE--
COME HERE!
Children, chanting:
WE WANT SANTA CLAUS!
WE WANT SANTA CLAUS!
OHH!
YOU!
[DOOR CLOSES]
YOUR ELF'S
WAITING FOR YOU.
[DEEP VOICE]
OH! YES, YES.
HO HO!
WELL, UH,
THANK YOU, ELIOT.
HEY, HOW DO YOU
KNOW MY NAME?
WELL, I'M SANTA,
AM I NOT?
HO HO HO!
HA HA HA!
HAVE YOU BEEN
A GOOD BOY?
OF COURSE
I'VE BEEN A GOOD BOY.
HAVE YOU REALLY?
YES.
OK.
Store elf: HERE HE IS,
THE GUY YOU'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR--
SANTA!
SANTA?
EVERYBODY...
JUST BE GOOD
FOR GOODNESS SAKES!
HELLO?
WHERE YOU GOIN'?
GOTTA FIND A PLACE
TO HIDE OUT.
BUT WHERE?
MURRAY!
WHERE YOU GOIN'?
DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE
WITH THESE KIDS.
THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME.
[CHUCKLING]
THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME.
HO HO! ALL RIGHT!
John: OK.
EVERYBODY READY?
YUP.
"'TWAS THE NIGH BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
"WHEN ALL THROUGH
THE HOUSE,
"NOT A CREATURE
WAS STIRRING,
"NOT EVEN A MOUSE.
"THE STOCKINGS WERE HUNG
BY THE CHIMNEY WITH CARE
"IN THE HOPES
THAT SAINT NICHOLAS
SOON WOULD BE THERE."
[DOORBELL RINGS]
OH, WHO ON EARTH
COULD THAT BE?
NOBODY MOVE.
MAYBE IT'S SAINT NICHOLAS.
I DON'T THINK SO, PETER.
SAINT NICK DOESN'T USUALLY
COME TO THE FRONT DOOR.
HO HO HO!
SANTA?
ARE YOU SURE YOU GO THE RIGHT HOUSE?
WELL, 300 WALNUT.
OH.
SOMETHING'S HERE. OOP.
NICK?
HA HA HA!
SAINT NICK TODAY.
WHOO!
NICK. WHAT ON EARTH
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
HELLO, GORGEOUS.
HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO
STAY SO YOUNG AND PRETTY
MARRIED TO THIS
STICK-IN-THE-MUD, HUH?
Peter: UNCLE NICK!
OH, IT'S PETER COTTONTAIL!
HEY, I DON' HAVE A COTTON TAIL.
OH, NO?
THEN WHAT IS THIS, HUH?
OH...
ABBY? WHERE'S KAITLIN?
AND WHO IS
THIS RUNWAY MODEL
WE HAVE HERE?
STOP!
WELL, LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE ALL GROWN UP.
WELL, THERE HE IS--
DAN THE MAN.
[BOTH IMITATING KUNG FU
MOVIE SOUND EFFECTS]
WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO!
HOW YOU DOIN'?
GREAT.
DID YOU GE MY E-MAIL?
YES, I DID.
OH, LOOK AT THEM
TOGETHER.
YEAH?
AND MAY I SAY
THAT I LOVE TIBET.
THE HIMALAYAS
ARE JUST OUTSTANDING,
AND I'M SO DOWN
WITH OAXACA.
VERY COOL PYRAMIDS.
BUT I SEE
YOUR FIRST SUMMER
AFTER HIGH SCHOOL
GRADUATION
IN THE PRINCIPALITY
OF MONACO.
MONACO.
OUI, OUI.
MONACO? OH, FOR--
SOAKING UP THE RAYS
ON THE BEACH BY DAY
AND STICKING I TO THE CASINOS
BY NIGHT.
I CALL I "THE KILLER Bs"--
BEACHES, BABES,
AND BIG BUCKS.
OOH, I COULD
GO WITH THAT.
I COULD GO WITH THAT.
OK, HERE WE GO.
1, 2, 3, GO.
OH, MAN! YOU'RE
GETTING FASTER.
WHAT'S THAT,
BEEN PRACTICING NOW?
NO, NO.
INCOMING!
WHOO! WHOO!
WHOA!
OH, COME ON,
LITTLE BROTHER,
DON'T PRETEND YOU'RE
NOT HAPPY TO SEE ME.
OH, OF COURSE
HE'S HAPPY TO SEE YOU.
IT'S JUST WE WEREN' EXPECTING YOU, NICK.
THE SPANISH WEREN' EXPECTING THE INQUISITION,
BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP
TORQUEMADA.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT FAIR
THAT YOU GOT ALL THE BRAINS
AND I GOT STUCK
WITH JUST GOOD LOOKS.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE, NICK?
WHAT, HONESTLY?
IF THAT'S POSSIBLE.
WELL, THERE'S NO PLACE
LIKE HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS,
IS THERE?
AND THERE'S NO PLACE
I'D RATHER SPEND
SOME QUALITY TIME
THAN RIGHT HERE....
WITH MY FAVORITE NIECE
AND NEPHEWS.
WHY IS IT I HAVE TROUBLE
BELIEVING THAT STORY?
[PAGER BEEPS]
Nick: WHO'S UP
FOR SOME HOUSE HOCKEY?
ME!
OK, NOW WHERE DID WE
SET IT UP LAST TIME?
OH, THAT'S RIGHT,
RIGHT AROUND HERE.
CAN I BE GOALIE?
OH! THERE'S BEEN
A MAJOR OUTBREAK
OF THAT NEW
REINDEER FLU.
THE EMERGENCY ROOM'S
OVERRUN.
OH. NO, JOHN.
NOT TONIGH OF ALL NIGHTS?
WELL, THAT'S
WHAT I GE FOR MARRYING
A DOCTOR.
THAT'S WHAT YOU GE FOR BEING A DOCTOR,
BECAUSE THEY'RE
CALLING EVERYBODY.
WHAT?
[BEEPING]
THAT'LL BE YOU.
OH, NO.
WHY BOTH OF US?
IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.
[NICK AND KIDS
SHOUTING]
WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO DO WITH THE KIDS?
WE CAN'T LEAVE THEM
ON THEIR OWN.
WHERE'S YOUR GOALIE?
OH, NO.
NO.
NO.
Abby: IT'LL BE FINE.
NICK IS
NOT A BAD GUY.
I THINK HE'S TRYING
TO MEND FENCES.
GIVE HIM A CHANCE.
IT IS CHRISTMAS.
"THE STOCKINGS WERE HUNG
BY THE CHIMNEY WITH CARE
"IN HOPES
THAT SAINT NICHOLAS
SOON WOULD BE THERE."
DON'T HOLD
YOUR BREATH.
HEY, CHILL OUT, KATY,
'CAUSE SOME OF US
LIKE BELIEVING
IN IMPOSSIBLE THINGS.
HE BELIEVES IN YOU.
ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?
I WAS ABOUT 5 WHEN I
FIGURED IT ALL OUT.
THE WHOLE PRESENT-
DELIVERY SETUP THING
SEEMED KIND OF FISHY,
SO I DID THE MATH.
FOR SANTA TO GET TO
ALL THE WORLD'S CHILDREN
ON CHRISTMAS EVE,
HE WOULD HAVE TO TRAVEL
AT ABOUT 650 MILES
PER SECOND.
I MEAN...
THAT'S 300,000 TIMES
THE SPEED OF SOUND.
WOW.
THAT'S PRETTY FAS FOR A HEAVYSET DUDE.
Kaitlin: OH, BU THAT WOULD ALSO EXPLAIN
WHY NOBODY
EVER SEES HIM.
BECAUSE
HE'D BE GOING SO FAST,
WE'D LOOK LIKE
LIVING STATUES TO HIM.
[SIGHS]
BUT YOU KNOW
THAT'S PHYSICALLY
IMPOSSIBLE, SO...
SO THERE IS
NO SANTA CLAUS?
NO. YOU KNOW, PETE,
THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS.
JUST IGNORE
EVERYTHING SHE SAYS.
SHE'S JUS TRYING TO SHOW OFF.
CAN YOU BELIEVE
TEACHERS GIVE OUT As
FOR JUNK LIKE THAT?
ALL RIGHT, GUYS,
WE'RE OFF.
GOOD NIGHT, YOU.
MM, SORRY.
GOOD NIGHT.
SORRY ABOUT THIS, HONEY.
GOOD NIGHT.
YEAH. THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, NICK.
NO PROBLEM.
I'LL GO GET THE CAR.
THANKS.
OK. AHEM.
"THE CHILDREN WERE NESTLED
ALL SNUG IN THEIR BEDS--"
John: THAT'S NOT SUCH
A BAD IDEA, YOU KNOW?
MAYBE YOU GUYS OUGHT TO
HIT THE SACK EARLY TONIGHT.
OHH.
WHAT?
OH, DAD!
HEY, THE SOONER
YOU GET TO BED,
THE SOONER SANTA COMES.
WE'RE NOT DONE
WITH THE BOOK YET.
THANK YOU, UNCLE NICK.
COME ON, GUYS.
HUGS, KISSES.
LET'S GO, OFF TO BED.
SEE YA, BUDDY.
COME ON, YOU GUYS.
GIVE ME A BIG ONE.
IT'S NOT FAIR.
OH, IT'S NOT FAIR.
OHHH.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA HANG ON
TO THIS FOR YOU.
BUT, DAD--
YOU CAN HAVE I BACK TOMORROW.
BYE, DAD.
GOOD NIGHT, SWEETHEART.
HAVE A GOOD SLEEP.
OH!
HAVE FUN
AT THE HOSPITAL.
OH, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.
COME ON, DANNY.
YOU, TOO.
WHAT?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
DAD, IT'S NOT EVEN 9:00.
YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.
DAD, COME ON.
I WANNA STAY UP
WITH UNCLE NICK
AND THEN HANG OUT.
WE GOT STUFF
TO TALK ABOUT.
WE CAN HANG WITH UNCLE NICK
WHEN WE'RE ALL TOGETHER.
I WOULD LIKE YOU
UP IN YOUR ROOM.
YOU CAN CATCH UP ON SOME
OF YOUR READING, PLEASE.
LOOK, I'LL GO TO BED
WHEN YOU WANT ME--
GET TO YOUR ROOM
RIGHT NOW!
NOW, YOU SHOULD
BE TOTALLY GROUNDED
FOR ALL THE STUFF
YOU PULLED TODAY.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
IT'S...
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
[SIGHS]
Nick: RULE WITH
A STEADY HAND, JOHN.
DAD WOULD BE PROUD.
I HATE DOING THAT.
[DOOR SLAMS]
Nick: DON'T WORRY.
I'VE GOT I ALL UNDER CONTROL.
YOU GO DO YOUR THING.
I'M PROUD OF YOU,
LITTLE BRO.
[TAPPING
ON COMPUTER KEYBOARD]
[KNUCKLES CRACK]
[BEEP]
"INSUFFICIENT FUNDS
ON DEPOSIT."
DUH!
IF I HAD THE MONEY,
I WOULDN'T NEED THE LOAN.
OH!
[INCOMING E-MAIL
BEEPING]
ALL RIGHTY.
COULD BE
A POTENTIAL INVESTOR.
OH, UNCLE NICKO
NEEDS A BREAK.
Harry, on computer:
OH, WE'RE GETTING THERE.
WE'RE GETTING HIM.
WE'RE GETTING HIM.
THE SHARK
HAS FOUND ITS PREY!
HELLO, NICK!
YOU ROTTEN LITTLE WORM.
DID YOU FORGET WE HAVE
YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS?
AND DON'T THINK
YOU CAN CUT US OFF,
EITHER, WRIGLEY,
'CAUSE
WE'RE TRACKING YOU
AND WE'RE ABOUT TO
FIND YOU RIGHT NOW.
Harry: HEH HEH!
WE'RE NEARLY THERE.
DO SOMETHING.
DO SOMETHING.
[LAUGHING]
Harry: WE'LL FIND YOU
RIGHT NOW.
DARE I?
I DARE.
THE WRIGLEY SUPER VIRUS--
INVENTED FOR
JUST THIS OCCASION.
[VOICE TRANSMISSION
BREAKING UP]
BYE-BYE.
THAT'LL SCRAMBLE
THEIR HARD DRIVE.
AND EVERY OTHER
WORKING COMPUTER
WITHIN 50 MILES.
Man: WHOA! ALBERT!
ALBERT! I CAN'T SEEM
TO CONTROL THIS THING!
IT'S DESCENDING
MUCH TOO QUICKLY!
WHOA! ALBERT, HELP ME!
HELP ME!
SWANSON? NO.
[THUD]
[MUMBLING]
[LOUD THUD, CLATTERING]
[FOOTSTEPS THUMPING
ACROSS ROOF]
HEY.
THAT WAS YOU.
NO. I THOUGH IT WAS YOU.
[LOUD THUMPING]
OR MAYBE A SQUIRREL?
IF HE'S A SQUIRREL,
HE'S THE SIZE
OF A SAINT BERNARD.
[HEAVY LOAD DRAGGING
ACROSS ROOF]
HOLD ON.
[LOUD RUMBLING RACKET]
AH!
DID YOU SEE WH--
MM.
MM.
ALL RIGHT, ALBERT,
I'M IN.
Elf: GOOD WORK, SANTA.
NOW YOU GOTTA LOOK
FOR THEIR COMPUTER.
YOU SEE ANYTHING AROUND?
I SEE IT, YES. YES.
OK, YOU WANNA
GO OVER THERE
AND LOOK FOR SOMETHING
THAT'S FLASHING OR WHATEVER,
AND YOU'RE GONNA PUT I INTO THE TRASH CAN.
NOW WHAT?
JUST CLICK I AND MOVE IT OVER THERE.
OK, YES.
YES.
[POOF]
THAT'S IT?
THAT LITTLE THING
GROUNDED US?
SORRY. THAT'S IT.
I'M TELLING YOU, ALBERT,
THIS FANCY TECHNOLOGY
IS MORE TROUBLE
THAN IT'S WORTH.
I KNOW. I KNOW
IT'S JUST A BACKUP.
WELL, NEXT YEAR,
THE REINDEER ARE
LINING UP FOR FLU SHOTS
LIKE THE REST OF US.
RIGHT. ALBERT!
I'VE GO TO GET TO WORK NOW.
I'M HANGING UP.
GOOD-BYE.
[SIGHS]
WELL, I MIGHT AS WELL
BEGIN HERE.
LET'S SEE NOW...
THE WRIGLEYS.
AH, YES.
PETER, NICE.
KAITLIN, NICE.
AND DAN--
OH, DANNY.
ON THE "NAUGHTY" LIS AGAIN, DANNY, HUH?
AND I BE YOU'VE BEEN NO HELP
IN STEERING YOUR NEPHEW
IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION,
HAVE YOU, MR. NICK-ON-THE-
NAUGHTY-LIST-FOR-LIFE?
WHOA!
...WHAT I SAW?
WHOA!
WHAT? WHAT?
[NICK STAMMERING]
H-H-HOW'D YOU
GET IN HERE?
WHAT--WHO ARE YOU?
UM...
UM, DON'T WORRY.
IT'S NO WHAT YOU THINK.
NO. UM, I, UH...
UH--UH, YOU'RE
JUST HALLUCINATING.
YEAH. I'M NOT REALLY HERE.
YOU'RE DREAMING. YES.
LOOK OVER THERE.
YEAH.
AH!
AH!
GAAH!
Nick: DANNY...
YEAH?
Nick: STAY AWAY
FROM THE EGG NOG.
WOULD YOU STOP
KICKING HIM?
WHAT IF
HE'S STILL AWAKE?
STOP.
[MUMBLING]
IT'S HIM, ISN'T IT?
IT'S THE REAL HIM.
NO.
NO, IT'S NO THE REAL HIM,
BECAUSE THERE'S
NO SUCH THING
AS THE REAL HIM.
WELL, THEN WHO IS HIM?
WHERE DID HE COME FROM?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT, UH...
I'M SURE THAT THERE IS
A LOGICAL EXPLANATION
FOR THIS.
LOGICAL EXPLANATION?
WHOAAA!
[SQUEAKY LITTLE VOICE]
AAAH! MAYBE NOT!
WHOO! WHAT THE--
I GOTTA LAY OFF
THE EGG NOG.
OH!
[WHIMPERS]
UH...
DANNY!
GAH!
DID YOU HAPPEN
TO PUSH A BUTTON
ON THAT...BALL?
TH-THIS?
YES!
I--I THINK SO.
WELL, PRESS...
ANOTHER...
BUTTON!
OH!
OK.
WOW!
MAY I SEE THAT?
OH...
THIS IS THE REAL SANTA CLAUS.
A REAL...DEAD SANTA CLAUS.
OH, HE'S NOT DEAD.
HE'S JUST UNCONSCIOUS.
HE'LL BE OK.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT CHRISTMAS?
WHAT ABOUT CHRISTMAS?
CHRISTMAS?
IT-IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.
YEAH?
WELL, IF THIS IS ALL REAL
AND HE'S THE REAL SANTA,
THEN HE'S GOTTA DELIVER
ALL THESE PRESENTS TONIGHT.
BUT IF HE'S KNOCKED OU TOO LONG,
HE'S NOT GONNA BE ABLE
TO DELIVER ANY PRESENTS.
I MEAN, THERE
WON'T BE A CHRISTMAS.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
CALM DOWN, OK?
FIRST OF ALL,
WE ARE GONNA
DO NOTHING.
NADA. ZIPPO.
OK, THIS WHOLE
CHRISTMAS THING,
THAT'S NOT OUR PROBLEM.
THAT'S HIS GIG.
I MEAN, IF YOU
WANNA TOTE AROUND
A HEAVY BAG
FULL OF PRESENTS
FOR PEOPLE
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW,
WELL, THAT'S FINE
WITH ME, BUT, UH-UH.
YEAH, BUT IT'S--
IT'S WHAT?
HMM?
WHAT?
DANNY?
AH!
OH, NO.
OK, UH...
[WHIMPERING]
HMM.
OHH! OH!
WHOA.
HOO.
OH!
HO! OH!
WOW!
OH.
[CHUCKLES]
YEAH.
SANTA.
GOIN' HIGH TECH,
HUH, SANTA?
OOP.
[SLEIGH POWERING UP]
WHOA! OH! OHH!
UH!
OFF.
[SLEIGH POWERS DOWN]
WOW!
YEEH!
OH.
UM...
UH, UH...
WAH-HOO!
HOO!
OH!
THIS HAS POSSIBILITIES.
OH.
OH, UH...
...CHRISTMAS.
WE REALLY SHOULD
DO SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW, YOU MAKE
A VERY GOOD POINT.
WHAT IF WE PICK UP
THE GAUNTLE AND SELFLESSLY FULFILL
SANTA'S MIRACULOUS
MISSION OURSELVES?
REALLY?
REALLY.
BUT YOU WERE JUST SAYING
THAT YOU DIDN'T WANNA
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT.
THAT WAS THEN.
THIS IS NOW.
YOU MADE ME
SEE THE LIGHT.
AND YOU DON'T WAN ALL THE KIDS
IN THE WORLD
TO GO PRESENTLESS,
DO YOU?
NO, NO. BUT I GUESS
I'M JUST A LITTLE CONFUSED.
SANTA'S GOT A FLIGH CONTROLLER ON HIS SLEIGH
THAT'S NOT TOO MUCH
DIFFERENT FROM THE ONE
I GOT YOU
FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY.
HOW DO YOU KNOW
HE HAS A FLIGHT CONTROLLER
ON HIS SLEIGH LIKE THAT?
I SAW IT.
IT'S UP ON--
YOU WILL NO BELIEVE--
TRUST ME.
YOU'LL SEE IT.
LISTEN,
YOU'RE THE WHIZ
AT ALL THESE
COMPUTER GAMES,
NOT ME, SO YOU'LL
BE THE PILOT.
I'LL JUST DELIVER
THE PRESENTS.
WE'LL BE A TEAM.
WE'LL BE HEROES.
WE'LL SAVE THE DAY!
THIS IS IT, MAN.
THIS IS OUR FIRS ADVENTURE.
THIS IS WHAT WE'VE
ALWAYS TALKED ABOUT.
ARE YOU WITH ME,
PARTNER?
YEAH.
YEAH!
WAIT. WHAT ABOU KAITLIN AND PETER?
WE CAN'T JUS LEAVE THEM ALONE.
WELL, THEY'RE NOT ALONE.
HE'S HERE.
I MEAN,
UNCONSCIOUS OR NOT,
HE'S STILL A BONA FIDE
ADULT, RIGHT?
AND BESIDES,
BY THE TIME THEY
WAKE UP IN THE MORNING,
WE'LL HAVE
ALREADY BEEN BACK,
WOKEN UP THE BIG GUY
FROM HIS LITTLE NAP,
AND COLLECTED
WHATEVER REWARD
WE ARE SURE TO GE FOR SAVING CHRISTMAS.
HA HA! HUH?
YEAH!
YEAH!
WHOA!
HA HA HA!
Nick: WHOO-HOO!
LOOK AT ME!
HA HA HA! WHOO!
WHOA! THIS IS LIKE
A REALLY COOL
VIDEO GAME.
YEAH.
EXCEPT YOU GO BUGS IN YOUR TEETH.
WHOO! WE'RE SMOKIN'!
HOO HOO HOO!
OH, BABY!
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
WELL, I THOUGHT WE'D STAR ON THE EAST SIDE OF TOWN--
THE GOLD COAST.
YOU KNOW, THOSE RICH KIDS
GET SO MANY PRESENTS,
I FIGURED, IF WE
DUMP THIS STUFF FIRST,
WE'D LIGHTEN OUR LOAD.
GOOD THINKING.
AH, WELL, YOU KNOW.
OK, HANG A RIGHT.
Nick: WHOO-HOO!
WHOO!
HUH?
UNCLE NICK.
UNCLE NICK.
[SNORING]
AAH!
Danny: IT LOOKS LIKE
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS REACH YOUR HAND
IN THE BAG, PULL IT OUT,
AND YOU'LL HAVE
THE RIGHT PRESENT.
Nick: COOL!
LISTEN, YOU'RE
DELIVERING A PRESEN TO A GIRL NAMED KATHY.
SHE WANTED A REAL PONY
FOR CHRISTMAS.
SHE WAS NAUGHTY
13 TIMES THIS YEAR,
SO SHE GETS...
AN ANT FARM.
[ECHOING]
AW, THAT'S COLD, MAN.
YEAH.
Danny: SO ONCE
YOU HAVE THE PRESENT,
JUST PUT I UNDER THE TREE,
TAKE THE BALLY-WALLY
AND ZAP IT.
GOTCHA.
AH.
GOTCHA.
NO, NO, DON'T GET UP.
I WON'T BE A MINUTE.
OOH.
I LIKE.
[CHUCKLES]
OOH.
GOTCHA.
OL!
[GIGGLING]
NOW...
HO HO HO!
SPREADING THE WEALTH.
OH, LOVELY
LITTLE THINGS.
SPREADING THE WEALTH.
OOH. NICE TUNE.
LET'S BOOGIE.
HEH HEH!
WHAT--
WHAT'S WRONG?
NOTHING.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
THAT'S YOU!
[LAUGHS]
LOOK AT THAT.
I LOOKED UP MYSELF
ON THE DATABASE.
COOL.
YEAH. "DANIEL WRIGLEY.
SHAKES DOWN HIS BROTHER.
SPENDS MOST OF HIS TIME
SCAMMING."
EGH!
SANTA THINKS I'M BAD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
THOUGH THA WOULD EXPLAIN
THE GREATEST DISCO HITS
OF THE SEVENTIES CD
I GOT LAST YEAR.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I LIKE THAT CD.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM
WITH PEOPLE LIKE SANTA IS?
TRUST ME, I KNOW A MILLION
OF THESE KINDA GUYS--
ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY,
THE BIG BOSS.
BUT WHO IS KRIS KRINGLE
ANYHOW, HUH?
I MEAN, HOW DID HE
GET THIS JOB?
I DON'T REMEMBER
VOTING FOR HIM.
DO YOU?
WHO IS HE TO JUDGE?
NOW, I SAY
THAT IT'S OUR TURN
TO CALL THE SHOTS.
WE'LL DECIDE
WHO GETS WHA FOR CHRISTMAS.
ARE YOU WITH ME?
HMM?
YEAH.
YOU BET YOUR LIFE, YEAH.
[BOTH SNAP FINGERS]
Kaitlin:
WHO DO YOU THINK HE IS?
Peter: I DON'T KNOW.
AH!
AH!
ALL RIGHT, BIG GUY!
WHO ARE YOU
AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
WITH MY BROTHER
AND UNCLE NICK?
MM!
[MUFFLED]
AAGH!
HIS BEARD'S REAL,
ANYWAY.
OF COURSE IT'S REAL.
I'M SANTA CLAUS.
I THINK HE IS.
OH, PLEASE!
FIRST OF ALL, THERE'S
NO SUCH THING AS SANTA.
AND SECOND OF ALL,
EVEN IF THERE WAS,
HE WOULDN' BE CAUGHT DEAD
IN ANY HOUSE
WITH DANNY WRIGLEY IN IT.
IS THAT SO, KAITLIN?
WELL, YOU'RE NO SO ANGELIC YOURSELF.
OR PERHAPS YOU
DIDN'T THINK I SAW YOU
COPY THAT ANSWER OFF
RICKY GARIBALDI'S
SPELLING TES IN THE THIRD GRADE.
AHH.
AND YOU CAN FORGE ABOUT THAT BRONTOSAURUS
I ASKED FOR
IN SECOND GRADE.
MY PARENTS WERE RIGHT.
THE BACKYARD
IS TOO SMALL.
THANK YOU, PETER.
OHH!
OHH. OHH.
I HAVEN'T FEL THIS BAD
SINCE THE TAINTED
EGG NOG OUTBREAK
BACK IN '06.
YUP, IT'S GONE.
NOTHING ON THE ROOF
BUT THE CHIMNEY.
Santa: OH, DEAR.
WHERE IN HEAVEN'S NAME
COULD MY SLEIGH HAVE GONE?
IT'S NOT ALL THAT HARD
TO FIGURE OUT, SANTA.
I MEAN, VALUABLE SLEIGH,
MISSING BIG BROTHER--
DANNY PROBABLY COPPED IT.
WHAT?
LIFTED IT.
STOLE IT.
Peter: HE WOULDN' STEAL SANTA'S SLEIGH.
THEN WHERE'D IT GO, PETER?
IT DIDN'T JUST DISAPPEAR.
YES, IT DID.
YOU DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING.
NOW, CHILDREN,
I'M SURE THERE'S
A LOGICAL EXPLANATION.
PERHAPS DANNY, THINKING
I WAS INCAPACITATED,
IS SIMPLY TRYING
TO DELIVER ALL THE TOYS--
SAVE CHRISTMAS.
DANNY AS
SANTA'S HELPER?
THAT'LL BE THE DAY.
BETWEEN HIM AND UNCLE NICK,
THE ONLY THING THEY'VE EVER--
NICK?!
NICK WRIGLEY
HAS MY SLEIGH?
OH, MY.
OH, MY, MY,
MY, MY. MY!
THAT'LL NEVER DO.
I MEAN, DANNY,
WHY, HE'S A LITTLE NAUGHTY
FROM TIME TO TIME,
BUT NICK WRIGLEY
IS INCORRIGIBLE!
OH, MY. OH, DEAR.
I HAVE TO GE MY SLEIGH BACK.
HELLO! ALBERT!
HELLO!
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
OH, OF COURSE
HE CAN'T HEAR ME.
THIS GIZMO IS HOOKED UP
TO THE SLEIGH'S COMPUTER,
AND THE COMPUTER
IS IN THE SLEIGH,
AND THE SLEIGH IS GONE,
AND--OH!
OH!
OH, WAIT.
THE COMPUTER.
THAT'S
UNCLE NICK'S.
Kaitlin: WHA ABOUT THE COMPUTER?
WELL, THIS YEAR,
MY SLEIGH IS BEING
RUN BY A COMPUTER.
THE REINDEER ARE ALL
SICK WITH THE FLU.
AND THIS COMPUTER
INTERFERED
WITH MY SLEIGH
AND BROUGHT IT DOWN.
PERHAPS WE CAN
REPEAT THE PROCESS.
UM...DO YOU KNOW HOW
TO WORK THIS THING?
OH, YES, I DO.
UM, SO WHAT AM I
LOOKING FOR?
WELL, IT WAS
A SKULL-AND-CROSSBONES,
AND I PUSHED I INTO THAT CONTAINER THERE.
YOU TRASHED IT,
SANTA.
SORRY. IT'S GONE.
OH, DEAR.
OK, LET ME THINK.
THERE'S A COMPUTER
ON THE SLEIGH, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
AND SO IT PROBABLY
HAS A WEB ADDRESS,
RIGHT?
A WEB ADDRESS?
YOU KNOW, LIKE,
WORLDWIDE WEB.
LIKE--LIKE
SANTA.COM OR...
OH, YES! YES, EXACTLY.
SANTA.COM. YES.
EXCEPT THAT NAME
WAS ALREADY REGISTERED.
I'M SCLAUS2.COM.
MANY CHILDREN SEND ME
THEIR CHRISTMAS LISTS
IN THIS NEW FORMAT.
I FIND I VERY CONVENIENT.
HERE'S THE PLAN.
OK. I HACK
INTO THE COMPUTER
ON THE SLEIGH,
I OVERRIDE THE
FLIGHT-CONTROL PROGRAM,
AND I BRING
THAT PUPPY BACK
LIKE A WELL-TRAINED
HOMING PIGEON.
OK, LET'S GO.
GO? WHERE?
TO THE COMPUTER STORE.
ALL THE COMPUTERS
IN OUR HOUSE
ARE TOO WEAK
FOR THIS JOB,
BUT THEY HAVE
THE NEW LOUMAX 2327--
THE MOST POWERFUL
DESKTOP IN THE WORLD.
WONDERFUL.
LET'S GO.
UM, YOU KNOW,
YOU CAN DRIVE, RIGHT?
OF COURSE I CAN.
WHERE DO
YOUR PARENTS
PARK THEIR SLEIGH?
OK. WHAT ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?
Kaitlin: OK,
RIGHT UP TO THE LIGHT.
NICE AND EASY.
NICE AND EASY.
RIGHT UP TO--
[TIRES SCREECH]
YOU DON' HAVE TO STOP YET.
KEEP GOING,
RIGHT UP TO THE LIGHT.
RIGHT UP TO THE LIGHT.
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO STOP AGAIN.
COME ON. SANTA...
YOU'RE GOING LEFT!
YOU'RE GOING LEFT!
NO, NO! TURN RIGHT.
TURN RIGHT.
GET YOUR FOO OFF THE BRAKE!
[TIRES SCREECH]
YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST!
Danny: UHH.
DARRIN, DARRIN, DARRIN.
WHAT CAN I TELL YOU,
BUDDY?
YOU GOTTA WATCH
THAT TEMPER,
BUT THIS PRESEN ISN'T GONNA MAKE YOU
ANY LESS ANGRY, SO...
I WISH ME
A MERRY CHRISTMAS
I WISH ME
A MERRY CHRISTMAS
I WISH ME
A MERRY CHRISTMAS
AND A CHIPPENDALE SOFA
UNCLE NICK.
OH!
HUH. YOW! D!
UH, HOW'D YOU GE IN HERE?
WELL, I CLIMBED
THROUGH THE WINDOW
UPSTAIRS.
OH.
UH, HOLD ON.
UH, WHERE'S
DARRIN'S GIFT?
I GOT A--I GO A BETTER IDEA.
UH, WELL, I HAVEN' DELIVERED IT YET.
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN
DOING DOWN HERE
SO LONG, THEN?
OH, YOU MEAN, DOWN HERE?
YEAH.
YEAH, BATHROOM BREAK.
YOU KNOW, ALL THE
TAKING OFF AND LANDING,
YOU KNOW, JUST...
[LAUGHS] YEAH,
WELL, UH, HERE.
YOU HAVE
THE LITTLE BALLY?
ZAP IT.
ALL RIGHT. STEP ASIDE.
A PUNCHING BAG?
UH, YEAH, YEAH.
WELL, SEE,
THIS KID, DARRIN,
HIS SCHOOL RECORD
SAYS THAT HE'S, UM,
HE'S BEEN
GETTING INTO FIGHTS,
AND I FIGURE HE CAN
POUND ON THIS THING
INSTEAD OF OTHER KIDS,
YOU KNOW, LIKE,
CHANNEL HIS ANGER
INTO A HEALTHY EXERCISE.
THAT IS WAY COOL,
DAN, MY MAN.
YEAH?
YEAH.
THE WAY
YOU JUST LOOK PAS ALL THE SURFACE JUNK
AND SAW THIS GUY'S
POTENTIAL. YEAH.
SOME KIDS NEED A BREAK.
KIDS NEED A LITTLE
EXTRA ATTENTION,
A LITTLE EXTRA THOUGHT.
[CHORTLES] TAKE ME.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS,
I DON'T KNOW, ABOUT YOUR AGE,
ALL I EVER ASKED FOR
WAS ONE THING.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WAS?
HMM?
A CUSTOM-MADE,
JIMI HENDRIX-SIGNED
ELECTRIC 6-STRING GUITAR
WITH AN EBONY FINGERBOARD
FROM McCUSACK'S MUSAK STORE.
HA HA HA.
WOWWWW!
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
ROCK AND ROLL GUITAR
IN THE WORLD.
EVERY YEAR
I'D ASK FOR IT,
AND EVERY YEAR,
IT WASN'T UNDER THE TREE.
I MEAN, IT WASN'T LIKE
THE FOLKS COULDN'T AFFORD IT.
YOUR DAD GOT EVERYTHING
HE EVER WANTED.
CHEMISTRY SET, TELESCOPE,
MICROSCOPE, MACROSCOPE.
ANYWAY, HE WAS NICE,
AND I WAS NAUGHTY.
I MEAN,
NOT NASTY NAUGHTY,
YOU KNOW, JUST KIND OF
NATURALLY NORMAL NAUGHTY.
[LAUGHS]
AH.
AND YOU KNOW,
IF YOU WERE AROUND BACK THEN,
MAKING THE CHRISTMAS PRESEN DECISIONS,
I'D PROBABLY BE TOURING
WITH THE STONES RIGHT NOW.
YEAH?
OH, YEAH.
I WAS GOOD, MAN,
BUT WITH THE RIGHT EQUIPMENT,
I COULD'VE BEEN GREAT.
ANYWAY,
READY?
YEAH.
WHAT?
[LAUGHS]
NOTHING.
I MEAN,
YOU'RE JUST--
YOU'RE LOOKING
KIND OF LUMPY.
WELL, YEAH.
COOKIES AND MILK,
COOKIES AND MILK,
EVERYWHERE WE GO.
NO WONDER SANTA
HAS A WEIGHT PROBLEM.
COME ON.
[HIP-HOP PLAYS]
YEAH, 1, 2,
GET DOWN
CHRISTMAS TIME
GONNA BLOW YOUR MIND
'CAUSE IT'S ALL GOOD
SANTA CLAUS
WILL LOOK YOU UP
IF YOU'VE BEEN GOOD
AW, YEAH
CHRISTMAS TIME
GONNA BLOW YOUR MIND...
Kaitlin: UH...
SANTA, I DON'T THINK
THAT TAKING A SHORTCU WAS SUCH A GOOD IDEA.
WHY NOT?
JUST A HUNCH.
NONSENSE.
EXCUSE ME, BOYS.
Santa: WOULD YOU MIND
MOVING YOUR VEHICLE?
I DON'T THINK
THEY HEARD ME.
I THINK THEY HEARD YOU,
SANTA.
[HONK HONK]
OH, MY GOD.
KAITLIN,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I THINK THIS BOY
WANTS TO TALK.
UH-OH.
WELL, WELL, WELL.
WHAT DO WE
HAVE HERE?
SANTA CLAUS AND
HIS LITTLE ELVES.
HA HA HA! DEAR, NO.
THESE AREN'T ELVES.
ELVES ARE ACTUALLY
SHORTER CREATURES
WITH POINTY EARS,
MISCHIEVOUS
AND DISOBEDIENT,
BUT INHERENTLY KIND.
YOU TRYIN'
TO PLAY GAMES
WITH ME, BUDDY?
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO PLAY A GAME?
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT?
Santa: IS THIS
SOME NEW GAME
I'M NOT AWARE OF?
Kaitlin: YEAH,
IT'S CALLED THE "WE'RE
IN BIG TROUBLE" GAME.
OH, DEAR.
THESE ARE NAUGHTY BOYS.
YES, THEY ARE.
STOP, BOYS!
BOYS, BOYS.
GET BACK HERE!
SANTA! NO! GET BACK!
NO! DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR!
NOW, BOYS.
BOYS, BOYS, BOYS.
Tagger:
OH, BIG MAN!
HEY, BIG MAN,
LET'S SEE
WHAT YOU GOT!
Second Tagger:
LOOK AT THAT DUDE.
NOW, SON, I DON'T WAN ANY TROUBLE.
SORRY, PAL,
'CAUSE TROUBLE'S
WHAT YOU GOT.
NOW COME ON.
I DIDN'T WANT TO
HAVE TO DO THIS, BUT...
OHH, WE ARE IN TROUBLE.
Tagger: HA HA HA,
YOU'RE KIDDING ME,
RIGHT?
HA HA HA HA!
IS THIS GUY
FOR REAL?
ALL RIGHT,
COME ON. LET'S SEE
WHAT YOU GOT, HUH?
COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON!
LIKE THAT, HUH?
COME ON, YOU GONNA
TAKE A PUNCH OR WHAT?
COME ON, COME ON!
THIS GUY FOR REAL?
HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA.
NOW CUT THAT OUT.
NOW BRING IT!
LET'S GO!
THIS IS IT.
KITCHY-KITCHY COO!
HA HA HA HA!
ALL RIGHT,
THAT AIN'T FUNNY,
YOU KNOW!
ALL RIGHT,
COME ON!
Tagger: COME ON,
YOU CAN TAKE HIM,
GET HIM!
KOOTCHY-OOTCHY-OOTCHY!
Santa: YOU GIVE? YOU GIVE?
I GIVE, I GIVE, I GIVE,
I GIVE!
YOU'RE ONE
TOUGH TICKLER, MAN!
HO HO HO HO HO.
I SWEAR, YOU GUYS
TELL ANYBODY ABOUT THIS,
AND YOU'RE
GONNA DEAL WITH ME!
AND I DON'T TICKLE!
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, DOG.
YEAH, HOW'D YA
LIKE TO JOIN MY CREW?
HO. THAT'S
VERY HOSPITABLE OF YOU,
BUT, UH,
WE'VE GOT TO GET GOING.
AS I SAID,
WE HAVE BUSINESS
TO CONDUCT.
YOU SHOULDN' BE DRIVING
AROUND HERE, MAN.
THERE'S ALL KINDS
OF CREEPS RUNNING
AROUND, YOU KNOW?
DO YOU HAVE
A BETTER IDEA?
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]
HO HO HO HO HO.
THANK YOU, PABLO.
NOW YOU BOYS
CHECK YOUR STOCKINGS
TOMORROW
AND SEE WHA SANTA BROUGHT YOU.
Tagger: RIGHT ON, SANTA.
HO HO HO HO HO.
KIND OF CATCHING.
HA HA HA HA HA.
[JINGLE BELLS PLAYING]
WOW. ALBER WOULD LOVE IT.
Peter: COME ON, SANTA.
YOU'RE LATE!
UH, AM I? UH...
LOT OF GOOD
YOU DO ME NOW.
I NEEDED YOU
FOR THE FINAL RUSH
THIS AFTERNOON,
NOT AT CLOSING TIME.
DON'T THINK I'M NO GONNA REPORT THIS
TO YOUR UNION REP.
WELL, ACTUALLY,
I'M MORE
OF AN INDEPENDEN CONTRACTOR.
THE NEXT TIME
I NEED A BIG MAN
WITH COMPUTER EXPERIENCE,
I'LL PUT A PILLOW
UNDER MY SHIRT!
Kaitlin: UM, EXCUSE ME, SIR,
BUT COULD YOU SHOW ME
WHERE THE LOUMAX 2327s
ARE, PLEASE?
WELL, GO ON
AND SHOW HER.
AISLE 2.
OH, HEH.
RIGHT THIS WAY.
UGH.
TEMPS.
Danny: I GO A GOOD IDEA.
WHY DON'T WE GO
TO THE HOMELESS
SHELTER?
PASS OUT SOME STUFF
THERE.
HOMELESS SHELTER?
THEY HAVEN'T GOT ANYTHING...
SO, YES,
WE SHOULD GO THERE.
RIGHT. I'M WITH YOU...
OR...OR...
HEY, HERE'S A GREAT IDEA.
WHY DON'T WE
JUST ZOOM OVER
TO THE VANDERLIP MANSION
AND SPREAD SOME
CHRISTMAS MAGIC THERE?
NAH, THERE WON' BE ANY KIDS THERE.
JUST A WHOLE BUNCH
OF GROWNUPS
IN FANCY CLOTHES
AND JEWELS,
HAVING A PARTY
OR SOMETHING.
YEAH.
THEY'VE GOT MORE
THAN THEY NEED.
WHY WOULD WE WAN TO GIVE THEM MORE?
WELL, WE WOULDN'T.
BUT, YOU SEE, THAT'S--
THAT'S MY IDEA, DANNY.
LISTEN, THEY'RE PROBABLY
GONNA HAVE SOME KIND
OF MAJOR FEAST, RIGHT?
WITH CAVIAR, ROAST BEEF,
ALL THE TRIMMINGS.
I GUESS, YEAH.
SO, THIS IS WHERE WE OUTDO
THAT OLD FOGEY CLAUS.
WE SWITCH THE DINNERS.
AH HA HA HA!
YEAH, WE LE THE RICH FOLKS SEE
WHAT LIFE IS
REALLY LIKE FOR A CHANGE
WHILE, AT THE SAME TIME,
BRING A LITTLE CHRISTMAS CHEER
TO THE DOWNTRODDEN.
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA!
MAN, YOU ARE
A GREAT SANTA.
I TRY.
THESE BABIES
ARE STATE OF THE ART.
LOUMAX 2327s...
IT'S THE MOS POWERFUL HOME COMPUTER
EVER CONCEIVED,
WITH A 1.2 TETRABYTE
HARD DRIVE
AND A 6 GIGAHERTZ
PROCESSOR
AND 512 MEGS OF RAM.
KAITLIN,
SOMEONE'S COMING.
DO SOMETHING!
IF THEY CATCH US,
THEY'LL THROW US OUT.
HMM.
Peter:
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
HEY,
WHAT ARE YOU ALL
DOING OVER THERE?
NOTHING. I HAVE TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM.
SO GO.
CAN YOU TAKE ME?
HEY, I'M
NOT YOUR DAD,
LITTLE KID.
I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE
TO DO IT OVER HERE, THEN.
NO, NO. NOT THERE.
WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?
COME ON,
I'LL SHOW YOU
WHERE IT IS.
HE'S CREATED
A DIVERSION.
GREAT.
OK. THAT OUGHT TO DO IT.
NOW, PUSH THE ON BUTTON
AND HOPE.
Computer: THIS IS...
OK. LET'S WRANGLE US
A SLEIGH.
YEAH, LIFE IS FINALLY
CUTTING US BAD BOYS
A BREAK, HUH, DANNY?
WE JUST MIGH COME OUT ON TOP THIS TIME--
WHOA! EASY, EASY.
HOT SOUP.
OW.
[SIGHS]
YEAH, LET'S DEFINITELY
DO THIS AGAIN NEXT YEAR.
YEAH.
I'M SURE BY THEN,
SANTA'LL BE BACK
AT THE CONTROLS.
YOU NEVER CAN TELL
WITH HEAD INJURIES.
YEP, YOU AND I
MIGHT JUST HAVE
TO TAKE OVER THIS GIG
FOR MANY YEARS TO COME,
MY FRIEND.
[LAUGHS]
THERE'S THE MANSION.
OH, YEAH.
Danny: READY?
YEAH.
LET'S TAKE HER IN.
DANNY, EASY.
THIS ISN'T SPLASH MOUNTAIN.
BUT I'M NO DOING THAT.
WHAT?
I'VE LOST CONTROL.
SOMEBODY ELSE IS
STEERING THE SLEIGH.
WELL, WHO?!
Kaitlin: OH!
THAT'S GOTTA BE THEM.
OK, DANNY.
LET'S SHOW YOU WHO'S
IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT.
Danny and Nick:
WHOA-OH-OH!
AAAH!
LET ME HAVE THAT THING!
Danny: NO, NO,
IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.
Both: WHOA!
SOMEBODY'S HACKED
INTO OUR SYSTEM.
THEY'RE FLYING
OUR SLEIGH.
WHOA!
WHOO!
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
WHOEVER'S DOING THIS
HAS GO A MUCH MORE POWERFUL
COMPUTER THAN WE DO.
WHOA!
Nick: WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
HOLD ON!
GOOD IDEA!
OK, I KNOW.
I'LL PUT IN
THE COORDINATES
FOR MY HOUSE.
Santa: YOU'D BETTER HURRY.
Danny: OK, HERE'S
A STUPID IDEA.
Nick: I'M LISTENING.
WE COULD...
CUT THE POWER OFF,
THEN THROW I BACK ON REAL QUICK.
THAT WOULD
STOP THE SIGNAL,
BUT IT COULD
ALSO DO SOME DAMAGE
TO THE HARD DRIVE.
WHO CARES
ABOUT THE HARD DRIVE?
IT'S OUR ONLY CHOICE.
LET'S DO IT NOW
BECAUSE WE'RE
RIGHT OVER THE MANSION. GO.
[SLEIGH POWERS DOWN]
Both: AAAAAAAH!
DON'T YOU THINK
IT'S ABOUT TIME
WE TURN IT BACK ON?!
I'M TRYING!
I'M TRYING!
YES! AH HA HA HA HA!
YOU DID IT! WHOO-HOO!
OK. WE'RE STILL DROPPING,
BUT NOT AS FAST.
OK, EASY, NOW. EASY.
ALL RIGHT. I KNOW.
I GOT IT.
DON'T WORRY,
DON'T WORRY.
EASY!
I GOT IT, I GOT IT.
I'M AN ACE.
OK. GOOD. WE'RE SAFE.
I ALMOST LOST MY COOKIES.
SHALL WE?
WHILE THE SOUP'S STILL HOT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
I LOST THEM.
I HAD THEM
RIGHT IN MY HANDS.
YOU KNOW, I GUESS
IT'S JUST POSSIBLE
THAT MY BROTHER
MIGHT BE SMARTER
THAN I GIVE HIM
CREDIT FOR.
NAH.
THAT'S IT.
YOUR BROTHER
HAS STOLEN MY SLEIGH.
HE'S OBVIOUSLY
IN CAHOOTS WITH
THAT UNCLE OF YOURS.
HE'S ON THE NAUGHTY LIS FOR LIFE.
BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR.
YOU DON'T KNOW DANNY, SANTA.
HE WOULDN'T STEAL IT.
THERE'S GOTTA BE A REASON.
AND I MAY WELL
PUT IN A CALL
TO MY GOOD OLD FRIEND,
THE EASTER BUNNY.
THE ONLY WAY
THAT YOUNG MAN WILL
GET EGGS IN HIS BASKE IS IF HE LAYS THEM
HIMSELF.
WHOA.
OHH, EXQUISITE.
HMM. OOH.
WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?
[SIGHS] JUNK.
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED
OF YOURSELF.
A BIT EARLY.
OOPS!
OHH, NICKY LIKES.
BOOP!
ROOP-BOOP-DO-DO-BE-DOO
DO-DO-DE-DOODLY-DOO
HMM...HMM...EHH.
OH. YES, YES.
OK.
STILL, THERE'S
SOMETHING WRONG
WITH THE ENSEMBLE.
OH!
OF COURSE.
THE NECKLACE.
ALLOW ME.
[HUMS] HOW'S IT GOING
IN THERE, BIG D?
Danny: FINE.
HA HA.
ME, TOO!
[SINGS]
IT'S STILL HOT.
[GASPS] HOLY BLITZEN!
THE VANDERLIP DIAMOND.
POUR MOI?
OOH.
OH-OH-OH.
OH, IT IS
A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
EXCUSE ME?
SORRY?
MMWAH. OH!
HEH HEH.
MRS. VANDERLIP.
TSK, TSK.
NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY.
OH, THIS REALLY IS
EXQUISITE.
UNCLE NICK?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I WAS JUST MINGLING.
I THOUGHT THERE
WAS SOMETHING FISHY
ABOUT YOUR LUMPY STOMACH.
THERE'S STUFF IN THERE.
STUFF? WHAT STUFF?
UHH!
[WHIMPERS]
THAT STUFF.
OH, THIS STUFF, HEH.
YES, UH...
[SIGHS]
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.
SEE,
I'M COLLECTING ITEMS
FOR A CHARITY FUND-RAISER
TO HELP FIGHT...
BAD THINGS.
AAAAAAH!
UNH!
OHH!
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO LIE ANYMORE.
I MEAN,
I'M NOT THAT DENSE.
THIS WHOLE NIGHT HAS
ALL BEEN ONE BIG, FAT SETUP.
YOU SCAMMED ME
SO YOU COULD STEAL STUFF.
NO. DANNY.
LOOK, JUST, UH...
IT IS THE GIVING SEASON,
RIGHT?
NOW, JUST--JUS THINK OF IT AS--
AS THEM
GIVING TO THE
LESS-FORTUNATE, HMM?
OH. HERE.
HAVE A STRADIVARIUS.
GO ON, TAKE IT!
THAT'S IT.
WE'RE DONE.
OK.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I PROMISE, NO MORE.
NO, I MEAN YOU AND ME.
WE'RE DONE.
FOR GOOD.
[CHORTLES]
COME ON.
DANNY.
HEH HEH HEH.
IT'S YOUR UNCLE NICK.
Nick: YO, D-MAN,
WHERE YA GOIN'?
D!
WHOA, DANNY!
DANNY, DANNY,
DANNY. HOLD ON.
COME ON. HEY, HEY.
OK, OK. ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'LL LEVEL WITH YOU, OK?
IT'S JUST I'VE BEEN HAVING
A SMALL CASH FLOW PROBLEM.
SO--SO THIS WAS JUS A TIDE-ME-OVER KIND OF
ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME THING.
I MEAN, I REALLY WOULDN' MAKE TOO MUCH OUT OF THIS.
ALL RIGHT. I'M SORRY. OK?
I'M SORRY
I DIDN'T TELL YOU,
BUT, COME ON!
WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE SAID?
I WOULD'VE SAID,
"DON'T DO IT."
[LAUGHS] SEE?
THAT'S MY POINT.
OK. IT'S ALL GOOD NOW.
[SIGHS]
WHERE TO NOW?
WELL,
I'M GOING BACK HOME,
SEE IF I CAN
REALLY HELP SANTA.
OH, YEAH. YEAH.
YEAH, RIGHT.
THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
YOU'RE NOT COMING BACK
WITH ME, ARE YOU?
NO, I, UH, I...NO.
NO, I DON'T THINK
IT'S SUCH A GOOD IDEA.
YEAH, THAT'S
WHAT I THOUGHT.
BUT, HEY. WE WILL
DEFINITELY HOOK UP, OK?
I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL.
WE'LL HOOK UP.
OK? HEH HEH.
DAN, MY MAN. HEH HEH.
ALL RIGHT, PAL?
DANNY?
WHAT?
HEY, WE STILL
HAVE MONACO, RIGHT?
[DINNER GUESTS
SHOUTING]
NOW WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
NEITHER DO I.
IT LOOKS LIKE
CHRISTMAS IS OVER.
[ALL SIGH]
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
HOW WILL YOU GET HOME?
THAT'S
A GOOD QUESTION.
THAT'S GOING TO TAKE
SOME FIGURING,
THANKS TO
YOUR NAUGHTY BROTHER.
BUT DANNY
ISN'T NAUGHTY.
HE'S NOT.
WELL, HE'S DOING
A PRETTY GOOD IMITATION.
OK, BUT WHA IF HE GAVE YOU
YOUR SLEIGH BACK
AND SAID
HE WAS SORRY?
WOULD YOU
STILL KEEP HIM
ON YOUR BAD LIS AND CALL THE BUNNY?
WELL, MAYBE NOT,
BUT THAT'S NO TOO LIKELY TO HAPPEN,
NOW, IS IT?
[CRASH]
AAAAAH!
WHA--
I KNEW
YOU'D COME BACK.
UHH, HEY. PETER?
DANNY,
SANTA'S REALLY
MAD AT YOU.
YEAH, I HAD A FEELING
HE MIGHT BE.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU HAVE
TO SAY FOR YOURSELF
NOW, DANNY?
UH...
MERRY CHRISTMAS?
A SCREWDRIVER.
SCREWDRIVER.
SOLDERING IRON.
SOLDERING IRON.
NEEDLE-NOSE PLIERS.
NEEDLE-NOSE
PLIERS.
HOW'S IT GOING?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
IF I CAN FIX THIS ONE, DANNY.
YOU REALLY DID IT THIS TIME.
CRESCENT WRENCH.
CRESCENT WRENCH.
SANTA?
I OWE YOU
AN APOLOGY.
I'M SORRY.
BUT I--I WASN' TRYING TO STEAL
YOUR SLEIGH.
I HOPE
YOU BELIEVE ME.
FRANKLY, SON, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE.
[SIGHS]
MY UNCLE NICK--
HE'S...HE'S
NOT REALLY
A BAD GUY...
I GUESS.
I MEAN--HE'S, UH...
HE JUST GOT A
LITTLE OVER HIS
HEAD THIS TIME,
AND--AND THEN
THAT'S THE WAY
IT IS.
[SNIFFLES]
HE'S JUST, UH...
A SCAMMER?
YEAH.
HOW DOES IT FEEL
BEING THE ONE SCAMMED
THIS TIME?
NOT GOOD.
WELL, THAT'S
THE BALL GAME, BOYS.
THERE'S NO WAY THIS PUPPY
IS GOING ANYWHERE ELSE
ANYTIME SOON.
YOUR HARD DRIVE'S
TOTALLY FRIED.
I TAKE I THAT'S BAD?
THAT'S REAL BAD.
AND THE COMPUTER STORE
IS CLOSED ALL DAY TOMORROW.
[SIGHS]
THE EARLIES I COULD GET YOU UP
IS SOMETIME
ON THE 26th.
[CHOIR SINGING
CHRISTMAS HYMN]
HE'LL BE OK.
KIDS REBOUND.
THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.
IN A WEEK HE'LL FORGE ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.
HEY.
I'LL SEND HIM A PRESENT.
SOMETHING BIG.
A BIG...
EXPENSIVE...
THING.
OHHH.
[CHOIR SINGING]
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
HEY. HEY, BUDDY.
WE'RE LOOKING
FOR 300 WALNUT STREET.
HOW FAR?
[PRETENDING
TO HAVE COUGHING FIT]
LET'S GO. IT'S GOTTA
BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.
GET READY
FOR THIS, ELIOT.
DINNER TIME,
BOYS.
OH, YEAH!
[TIRES SCREECH]
HO HO, HOLY SMOKE,
THAT WAS CLOSE.
HA HA HA HA!
OHH...
300...WALNUT STREET?
HEY, SANTA.
YOU GETTIN' IN?
I--
ALL THESE YEARS,
AND I'VE NEVER MISSED
A CHRISTMAS DELIVERY
UNTIL NOW.
BUT MAYBE
IT'S FOR THE BEST.
MAYBE IT'D
DO PEOPLE GOOD
TO KNOW WHAT IT'S
LIKE WITHOUT SANTA.
MAYBE THEY'D
APPRECIATE CHRISTMAS
MORE.
APPRECIATE ME
A LITTLE MORE.
YES.
MAYBE I'LL JUST TAKE
A FEW YEARS OFF.
YOU DON'T MEAN THAT?
WHY NOT?
EVERYBODY ELSE
SEEMS TO BE THINKING
ONLY OF THEMSELVES.
MAYBE I'LL JUS GIVE UP AND JOIN THEM!
WHY, MAYBE I'LL TAKE
THIS PASTY OLD CARCASS
OFF TO FLORIDA,
LET RUDOLPH
RUB SUNBLOCK ON MY BACK,
SIP AN UMBRELLA DRINK,
LISTEN TO A STEEL BAND,
AND LET SOMEONE ELSE
DO THE HOLIDAY
HEAVY LIFTING.
YOU THINK A TAN WOULD
MAKE ME LOOK THINNER?
BUT THERE
ISN'T ANYONE ELSE.
YOU'RE SANTA.
DON'T WORRY, SON.
SANTA'S JUS A LITTLE DEPRESSED.
[SANTA SIGHS]
IT'S BEEN
ONE OF THOSE DAYS.
EVERYTHING
THAT COULD GO WRONG
DID GO WRONG.
300 WALNUT STREET, BILL!
BILL! BILL! BILL!
STOP THE CAR!
STOP THE--BILL! BILL!
AND IS STILL GOING WRONG.
BILL! BILL!
PUT ON THE BRAKES!
THAT IS THE LAST TIME
I LET YOU DRIVE, BILL.
I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING!
I DON'T CARE IF YOU
CAN'T SEE ANYTHING.
THAT IS THE LAST TIME
I LET YOU DRIVE!
GET OUT OF HERE!
COME ON, LET'S GO.
OK, WHERE IS HE?
YEAH, WHERE
IS NICK WRIGLEY,
THE LYING,
COMPUTER-HACKING
LITTLE THIEF?!
HE'S NOT HERE.
DON'T GIVE US
THE RUNAROUND ALREADY!
WE KNOW HE'S HERE!
OH, YEAH.
WE TRACKED HIM
WITH A GLOBAL
POSITIONING
SATELLITE.
AND THE GPS DON'T LIE.
THE GPS 1162?
Bill: YOU GOT IT, GIRL.
WELL, HE'S--
HE'S STILL NOT HERE.
OK, WHO
ARE YOU PEOPLE?
NICK IS OUR UNCLE.
HE WAS HERE,
BUT NOW HE'S GONE. OK?
SO--SO JUST MOVE ON.
LISTEN!
WE'VE BEEN DRIVING
AROUND ALL NIGHT.
WE'RE VERY UPSET.
BILL LOS A CONTACT LENS.
IT'S INSIDE
MY OWN HEAD.
I HAVE A MIGRAINE.
AND ELIO HASN'T HURT ANYONE
IN OVER 5 HOURS.
NOW, WE KNOW
HE'S IN THERE.
SO EITHER YOU
PRODUCE NICK WRIGLEY
RIGHT THIS SECOND...
OR WE'LL GO IN
AND FIND HIM,
EVEN IF WE HAVE
TO TAKE THIS HOUSE
APART NAIL BY NAIL.
SHINGLE BY SHINGLE!
LIMB BY LIMB.
AFTER YOU,
ELIOT.
Santa: HOLD ON, NOW.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I THINK THAT THE DESTRUCTION
OF THIS FINE HOME
WILL NOT SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM.
NOW, IN THE SPIRI OF CHRISTMAS--
GET OUT OF THE WAY,
OLD MAN.
[SIGHS]
SOMEONE NEEDS A TICKLE.
KOOCHIE-KOOCHIE-KOOCHIE
KOOCHIE-KOOCHIE!
TICKIE-TICKIE-TICKIE
TICKIE-TICKIE-TICK...
EEE...
EH...
AHEM.
YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.
Nick: LEAVE THEM ALONE.
Harry: THERE HE IS!
Bill: OH,
ISN'T THAT CHARMING?
NICK WRIGLEY
COMING TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
BRINGING
THE CHRISTMAS CHEER.
OH.
KICKS THE CAR DOOR.
LOVE THE SANTA SUIT,
NICK.
ALSO THE LITTLE BAG
OF PRESENTS.
CUTE, YEAH.
I HOPE FOR YOUR SAKE
THERE'S A PRESENT WORTH
30,000 BUCKS IN YOUR BAG.
OH, I'VE GOT THINGS
WORTH A LOT MORE
THAN THAT.
HA HA HA HA!
THE MAN!
BUT I CAN' GIVE THEM TO YOU.
WHY NOT?
WELL, FIRST OF ALL,
YOU 3 BOYS
HAVE BEEN VERY NAUGHTY.
SECONDLY, THEY'RE...
NOT MINE TO GIVE.
OH, I THOUGHT IT WAS
ALL MINE FOR A WHILE,
BUT, UH...
IT'S NOT WORTH
WHAT I'D HAVE TO
GIVE UP TO KEEP IT,
SO...
ALL THESE LOVELY THINGS
HAVE TO GO BACK
TO THE PEOPLE
THEY BELONG TO.
[LAUGHS]
YOU BETTER BE
KIDDING, WRIGLEY.
NO. NO, I'M NOT.
ELIOT, HE'S ALL YOURS.
RUN, UNCLE NICK!
DON'T WORRY, PETER.
THIS GUY WON'T HURT ME.
AND WHY WON'T I HURT YOU?
'CAUSE, FRANKLY, ELIOT,
DEEP INSIDE,
YOU'RE JUST A SCARED,
UNHAPPY LITTLE MAN.
HA HA HA HA HA!
[BILL AND HARRY LAUGHING]
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
OH, YEAH.
HA HA HA HA HA!
YEAH.
AND BECAUSE
I HAVE THIS.
[ALL LAUGHING]
OOH HA HA!
AH HA HA!
THERE WE GO.
OHH...
[LAUGHING IN A TINY VOICE]
[LAUGHING TRAILS OFF]
UH-OH.
DID I MENTION "LITTLE"?
UH...UH...UH...
[BOTH GASP]
MOMMY.
[BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY]
[TIRES SCREECH]
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!
REMEMBER,
HE'S MAKIN' A LIST!
YUK-YUK-YUK-YUK-YUK.
COME HERE.
HA HA HA HA!
PETER!
GOOD JOB, NICK.
OH. HERE.
THANK YOU.
[VOICE BREAKING]
HO HO HO HO HO...
[LAUGHING]
Santa: AH, COME HERE.
[LAUGHING]
VERY TOUCHING, YOU GUYS.
BUT THIS WHOLE LOVE FES DOESN'T EXACTLY
SOLVE OUR PROBLEMS.
WHAT PROBLEMS?
THE SLEIGH IS BROKEN.
YOU TWO JERKS BLEW OU THE ON-BOARD COMPUTER.
OH, YEAH,
RIGHT.
YEAH.
WHAT ABOUT HOOKING UP
ONE OF OUR COMPUTERS?
GREAT, BUT HOW LONG
AN EXTENSION CORD
DO YOU THINK YOU'D NEED
TO FLY TO THE NORTH POLE?
WOULD A POWERFUL
LAPTOP WORK?
MAYBE.
OH, NO.
NO.
NOT LAPPY.
HO HO HO HO HO!
THANK YOU, KAITLIN.
HO HO HO HO HO...
AND, NICK,
THANK YOU FOR LAPPY.
THIS HAS BEEN
A VERY GOOD FIRST STEP
ON YOUR LONG ROAD
TO REHABILITATION.
WAIT.
HOW LONG DO I...
ALL RIGHT.
ANYWAY,
IT'S ABOUT TIME
YOU GOT SOMETHING
FOR CHRISTMAS
BESIDES
MILK AND COOKIES.
[CHUCKLES]
AND I'LL TAKE CARE
OF YOUR RETURNS FOR YOU.
UNLESS, OF COURSE,
YOU'D CARE TO COME ALONG
AND DO IT YOURSELF?
UH, SANTA,
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT,
BUT, UH...
WE NEED
UNCLE NICK HERE.
'CAUSE, UH,
WHAT'S CHRISTMAS
WITHOUT A FAMILY
TO CELEBRATE I WITH?
WELL, IN THAT CASE,
I'D BETTER BE GOING.
NOW, REMEMBER,
YOU GOTTA KEEP THIS
UNDER YOUR HATS, ALL RIGHT?
NOT A WORD TO ANYONE.
RIGHT?
OK.
[CLEARS THROAT]
YOU KNOW, I'M GOING
TO HAVE TO RECONSIDER
THIS WHOLE "NAUGHTY
AND NICE" TRADITION.
IT'S NOT AS BLACK AND WHITE
AS I THOUGHT.
AND I HAVE YOU WRIGLEYS
TO THANK FOR THAT.
WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Kids: MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Nick: MERRY CHRISTMAS,
SANTA.
WELL?
GIVE US SOME ROOM!
OOH.
OH.
SORRY.
Danny: BYE, SANTA!
Kaitlin: BYE, SANTA.
Nick: BYE!
Kaitlin: MERRY CHRISTMAS,
SANTA.
Danny:
HAVE A NICE TRIP!
Nick: THANK YOU, SANTA!
Peter: MERRY CHRISTMAS,
SANTA.
[CHUCKLES]
"NOT A CREATURE
WAS STIRRING,
NOT EVEN A MOUSE."
BOY, DO I FEEL SILLY.
JUST A SECOND.
I ALREADY GO MY BIG PRESENT.
MM.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[DOOR SLAMS]
[BELLS JINGLING]
[FOOTSTEPS COMING DOWNSTAIRS]
[LAUGHING AND SHOUTING]
UNCLE NICK, IT'S CHRISTMAS!
IT'S TIME FOR PRESENTS.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S CHRISTMAS TODAY.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
Abby: OH,
MERRY CHRISTMAS, NICK.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
YEAH.
[EVERYONE LAUGHING
AND TALKING]
John: WHAT TIME IS IT?
Kaitlin: DADDY,
THIS ONE'S FOR YOU.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
OH, WHAT'S THAT ONE?
OH, GOSH.
FOR ME? THANK YOU.
I THINK
YOU GOT ONE HERE.
OOH!
THANK YOU.
THERE YOU GO.
WHO'S THIS FROM?
Peter: THAT'S FOR YOU.
YEAH. THIS--THIS--
THAT'S FOR YOU.
Abby:
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS,
MOM AND DAD.
I OWE YOU
ONE PRESENT."
THAT'S, UH...
THAT'S LOVELY.
Danny: I--I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO GET YOU.
YEAH...
I TOLD YOU
WHAT I WANT.
MERRY CHRISTMAS,
DANNY.
Danny: MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU.
YOU OPEN UP THAT ONE.
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA
LIKE THAT.
[UNWRAPPING PRESENT]
Peter: UNCLE NICK,
I FOUND ONE FOR YOU.
FOR ME?
YEAH.
OK. GREAT.
TOSS IT.
UHH!
GEE, IT'S TOO BIG.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
HOLD ON THERE, PAL.
Nick: OH, WOW.
IT'S MY GUITAR.
THE ONE FROM
McCUSACK'S MUSIC STORE.
Kaitlin:
OH, LOOK, A CARD.
YOU FORGO TO READ IT.
"TO MY FAVORITE NAUGHTY BOY.
"SORRY FOR THE DELAY,
"BUT BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.
LOVE, SANTA."
OH.
PLAY IT, UNCLE NICK.
YEAH. YEAH,
COME ON, PLAY IT.
PLEASE?
John: COME ON,
PLAY IT, NICK.
All: COME ON.
Peter: PLEASE?
NO. NO, ACTUALLY
I BETTER NOT.
I'M GONNA HAVE
TO SELL THIS AX
TO PAY OFF
SOME OF MY DEBTS.
WELL, YOU'RE NO GONNA SELL IT TODAY.
SO, COME ON,
BIG ROCK STAR,
LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
YEAH, COME ON.
THE KIDS HAVE NEVER
HEARD YOU PLAY.
COME ON, EVERYBODY,
LET'S GO. COME ON!
TO THE SOFA.
John: EVERYBODY
ON THE SOFA.
ALL RIGHT.
Peter: COME ON
ON THE SOFA!
OH! THAT'S GREAT.
John: YEAH!
Abby: WHOO!
[CLEARS THROAT]
[CLEARS THROAT]
OK, IT'S, UH...
BEEN A LITTLE WHILE
SINCE I'VE--
OH, COME ON.
ROCK AND ROLL!
NO EXCUSES.
[STRUMS GUITAR]
[PLAYS JINGLE BELLS BADLY]
[PROFESSIONAL RIFFING]
YEAH!
WHOO!
ALL RIGHT!
OH, WHAT A HOT DOG.
WHAT A HOT DOG.
John: WHOO!
Abby: WHOO! YEAH!
John: GO, NICK!
GO, NICK! GO, NICK!
WHOO!
Danny: 'TWAS THE MORNING
OF CHRISTMAS,
THE END OF OUR TALE.
SANTA BROUGH ALL THE STUFF BACK,
MY UNCLE NICK
DIDN'T GO TO JAIL.
AND I'VE LEARNED
THE BEST GIFT OF CHRISTMAS,
COMES AT NO PRICE.
IT'S TO BE
WITH YOUR FAMILY,
WHETHER YOU'RE
NAUGHTY OR NICE.
SO THAT'S THE END
OF OUR STORY.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE.
[MUSIC BEGINS]
I SAW SANTA
ON THE ROOF OF MY HOUSE
HE WAS HAVING TROUBLE
WITH HIS SLEIGH
SO I GAVE HIM A PUSH
AND HIS SLED
STARTED FLYING
AND THIS IS
WHAT SANTA SAID
HE SAID, "HEY, LITTLE BOY,
WHAT DO YOU NEED?"
SANTA I WANT EVERYTHING,
GIVE IT TO ME
HE SAID,
"WHAT DO YOU WANT
UNDER YOUR TREE?"
SANTA I WANT EVERYTHING,
GIVE IT TO ME