W.C. Fields: 6 Short Films (2000) Movie Script

Ever since you came down here to | Florida, you've positively ignored me.
- I never saw anything like it. You men are all alike. | - But...
Well, I think you're a naughty, | mean man, to make poor itty me cold.
- I'm not gonna let you go without me. | - Oh, why...
Seen my wife around?
- Huh? | - There.
- So, it's you, is it? | I've been laying for you...
for the last | three or four days,
- Now I'd like to see you. | - Murder!
- You can't do this to me! | - I can't, eh? I'm doin' it.
- You're gonna get in a lot of trouble. | - Help! Help!
- I'd say the same to you, if you take advantage. | - Murder! Help!
Say, can't I leave you | alone for one minute,
without one of these guys | trying to flirt with you?
Huh? Oh.
Now, if any of these birds | annoy you, just let me know.
Yes, hubby dear.
Gee, did you see what he did | to that poor fellow?
Boy, that house detective's | wife is going to get some guy murdered.
She'll flirt with anybody | that wears pants.
Not me, little bright-eyes.
- I'm going to join your party. | - Oh, yeah?
Well, of all the nerve...
Hey, you. Is there a gig by the name | of J. Effington Bellwether...
camping in this joint?
- Mr. Bellwether is out. | - Well, he'll be out like a light...
if he don't come through | with the 40 bucks he owes me...
for taking him out | in me fishing boat.
Why, the chiseler's been | giving me the runaround for me dough!
And I'm gonna take it | out of his hide.
You tell | the big lob that.
Oh, Mr. Bellwether is a guest in this | hotel. I can't deliver any such message.
- But if you care to, leave him a note. | - Well, I've brought me thumb.
Will youse write | it out for me?
Certainly. | Pleasure.
Well, commence, then.
"Dear Mr. Bellwether:
"Listen, you four-flushin' | horse collar.
"If you don't come through | with the jack you owe me,
"I'll knock your | sappy-lookin' block off.
"There ain't no heel | like you...
"gonna put nothin' | over on me...
"without gettin' a knuckle massage.
"Affectionately Yours,
Deep Sea McGurk, alias | the Slaughterhouse Kid. "
Finished. | You know, uh...
- Okay. | - Hey-ho.
Happy days are here... | Hello, Walter.
- How do you do, Mr. Bellwether? | - Any telegrams, cablegrams, radios...
- Televisions... | - Yes, sir. A little note.
A little note? | Oh, thank you, Walter.
Thank you, | my bonny boy.
Hmm. J. Effington Bellwether, | that's me.
Silly little girl.
Dangerous things, | those lighters.
I bought one in | Copenhagen one time.
It was a combination | cigar lighter and matchbox.
The matches | were very good.
- Hey, mister! | - Uh, hello little boy. I'm...
- Would you give me a dollar? | - Oh, it's a little girl.
Hello, little girl. | How old are you?
Five years old.
- Five years old! | - Would you give me a dollar to put in my bank?
I'll give you a dollar | to put in your bank...
- If you'll sing me a song. | - Give me the dollar first.
Ah, you're more than five. | Go on, get out of here.
- Aw, come on. Gimme a dollar. | - Come on, scram. Oom-scray. Get away.
I don't care.
I got $50 | in my bank already.
- You have $50 in your bank? | - Yes.
Probably has a pin | sticking in her, yes.
Well, well, Mr. Bellwether. | What are you doing down in Florida?
Oh, I was, uh, just | negotiating for a bank.
- That's your little girl? | - I don't know whose little girl it is,
but she's trying to get money out of me.
She's a wonderful | little child, though.
I was just playing | with her silken hair.
- You can lift me up by my hair if you want to. | - Just as silk and beautiful...
"I can lift her up | by her hair if I want to. "
- She's as game as a pebble. | - Lift me up!
Look at that! | Isn't it wonderful?
It really is remarkable. | And light as a feather.
Come on! Lift me up! | Lift me up!
She wants me to do it again!
You know, it really is | something to be proud of.
Yes, it's marvelous, you little minx, | you... you wonderful little gal.
- Lift me way up! | - Wants me to lift her way up.
Wants me to show it | to everybody in the hotel. Look.
Why, it's little...
Little, uh...
Say, was that guy | trying to flirt with you?
Oh, you big silly, there hasn't been | a man anywhere near me.
Oh, don't try to kid me. If I catch | him playin' around you again, I'll...
- pulverize him! | - Oh, you're such a big brute!
Now, if any of these fellows | make any wise cracks to you,
just tip me off!
All right, Daddy dear.
How do you do?
Oh, I beg your pardon.
Rather silly of me, wasn't it? | Now, was that your father?
- Oh, no. | - And he was about to strike you?
Well, perhaps he would have, | if you hadn't been here.
Why, the great | hulking brute.
You know, I've never | struck a woman in my life.
- You haven't? | - Not even my own mother.
Oh, I could see that | you were the very soul of kindness.
Oh, I'm very kind,
but of course I can be cruel | if needs be.
- You can! | - Oh, a veritable tiger!
But you have courage | written all over you.
It's the laundry marks, dear.
Oh, they're going | to play golf.
Oh, it must be wonderfully romantic | and secluded out on the golf course.
Oh, it's a marvelous game. | I'm going to play this afternoon myself.
- Would you like to join me? | - Ooh, I'd love to!
- Do you play? | - Oh, no. I wouldn't even know which end of the caddy to use.
Oh, but you do know | something about it.
Permit me.
Thank you.
Oh, I just love it out here.
- So nice and green and everything. | - Yes, it is.
Rather "park-y" | this morning, though.
I have never been on such a crowded | golf course in all my life.
You little sissy.
Did you bring | a ball with you?
Now, stand clear, | and keep your eye on the ball.
- Everything is form. | - Mm-hmm.
This is what they call | the "explosion shot" from the tee.
- It won't hurt you. | It won't hurt you at all.
- Oh. | - Stand clear, boy.
Wrong club.
- What? | - Wrong club. Try this putting niblick.
A "putting niblick"?
Really, the little chap doesn't | understand the nomenclature of the game.
Now, stand clear, boy, | and keep your eye on the ball.
No, I have it.
It's all right. | Come here.
Stand back here. He gets | all hot and bothered about nothing.
I lost a very dear friend | in the Canary Islands many years...
What are you doing | with a club like this in the bag?
Don't play | with these clubs.
I lost a very dear friend in | the Canary Islands many years ago.
- How dreadful! | - Chap by the name of Pumphrey Pothelwhistle.
- Oh-ho, what a funny name. - Ah, he's | one of the Pothelwhistles from Twickenham.
If you've ever been | to Twicken...
Stop that, will you?
- Whoo! Quite a driver! | - Yes, he is.
Yes. | Yes, he is.
Hmm. Yeah.
Yes, we lost old Pothelwhistle in the | Canary Islands. He was kicked to death.
- Oh, that's a shame! | - Yes, kicked to death by two infuriated canary birds.
- Oh, why is that? | - Someone had been feeding them meat.
I happ... | Excuse me. I...
- Anything strange about this, love? | - It does look rather odd.
Yes. I think the shaft is warped. | Give me another bat.
Ha-ha, that's better!
- That's much better. | - Yes.
- Now, stand clear, boy, and | keep your eye on the ball.
This is what they call "hitting past | the chin," as I told you before.
Gives you a remarkable shot.
What have you got here, | after all?
A pie!
Fancy bringing a pie | to a golf course.
A pint, yes.
But a pie, never.
Why, it's like, uh...
It's like carrying...
carrying, uh...
something or other...
somewhere or other,
as the case may be.
Now, you stand clear | and keep your eye on this ball.
Stand clear, boy. | Keep your eye on the ball.
Stand cl...
- Quite a breeze. | - Yes, it is quite a breeze.
Yes, there is. | Quite a breeze. Yes.
Here's your overcoat.
Now, stand clear, boy, | and keep your eye on the ball.
- As I say, this is | "hitting past the chin. "
- Hitting as far past the | chin as possible. - Mm-hmm.
Never stand close to the ball | after you hit it.
- Sounds like one of those birds | that fly backwards.
- Stand clear, boy. | Keep your eye on the ball.
He's coming this way.
- Gives me the creeps. | - Me, too.
- Stop that, you! | Stop acting... Stand still.
Now, you stand clear and keep your eye | on the ball. Stand still.
Don't get moving 'round here | with those inhabited feet of yours.
As I was saying, it requires | a great deal of quiet nerve...
And slow...
Stand still and | keep your eye on the ball.
I'm sorry, dear. | Did I lose my temper, huh?
What is it? | Ohh!
Godfrey Daniel. | Tsk, tsk.
Wring your neck.
Put your foot | on that, will you?
I wouldn't have you again | with me as a caddy...
for all the tea in China.
Tea or coffee or chop suey | or whatever it is they have there.
I said I'd like | to wring your neck.
Like to wash it first, | and then give it a good wring.
Give it a "wring" | they'd hear for...
- Would you take that out, please? | - Oh, yes, of cour...
Thank you. Put it in there, | will you, girl? Thank you.
- This is really disgusting. | - Oh, it's terrible!
- I'm sorry that you had to see this. | - Oh, that's all right.
Now, stand clear | and keep your eye on the ball.
Stand still!
Keep your eye | on the ball.
- Hello, Sheriff. | - How are you?
The sheriff is looking | for Mr. Bellwether.
- Well, where is he? | - He's out playing golf with your wife.
With my wife? | Come on! Holy smoke, let's get him.
- There it is. | - Huh?
- There! | - Where?
- On the end of your club. | - Oh...
- So it is, so it is! | - Oh, yes!
What an eye he has.
Now, you stand clear | and keep your eye on the ball.
Oh, I've forgotten something.
Huh? Oh.
Probably forgotten | her horse.
Well, I won't | need it anyway.
Won't need a horse. | Want to ride it...
I won't need it either!
Here's a club for you | for short holes.
Now, stand clear, | and keep your eye on the ball.
I lost a horse one time. I forgot him | and left him down the Grand Canyon.
Grand Canyon and...
That's a beautiful camel | you have with you.
Crazy about me.
Now, stand clear, boy, and keep... | Don't stand there.
Don't you know I'll smite you | on the sconce with this truncheon?
He's standing right... | and go, boom away!
Great, silly boy.
- I'll have to have it reblocked. | - Oh, that's a shame.
Thanks! | Thanks for nothing!
You stand clear | and keep your eye on this ball.
As I was saying, this is | "hitting past the chin. "
- Mm-hmm. | - Stand clear, boy.
So it's you, is it?
I'd like to take | this club and...
- I'll tee that up, dear. | - All right.
Now, stand clear and | keep your eye on the ball.
Another thing I forgot | to tell you was...
keep the wrists | together.
- Never let the wrists separate. | Take the club back slow...
Now, now. | Ooh!
As I was saying before, you've got | to keep the wrists close together.
Never let the wrists...
Keep the wrists close together.
Close together. | Never let the wrists separate.
Keep them close together.
Keep the wrists | close together.
- Where are my glasses? | - They're on your head.
Oh. Yeah. | Right.
- Where's the newspaper? | - You're sitting on it.
Land o' goshen. | Another baby.
Up until May, uh-huh.
Say, | that's a funny one.
- Look. | - Fifty pounds, and chop it fine.
"Mrs. Unclebeck... " | What do you mean,
"fifty pounds | and chop it fine"?
- Oh, I thought you were Arthur. | - Who's Arthur?
He's the man | I intend to marry.
Oh, well don't tell me anything | about it. I'm only your father.
I can read it in the newspaper. | What does he do?
- Well, he's the iceman. | - An iceman?
- Yeah, he goes to college. He's a Cornell man. | - Iceman!
- Red Grange was an iceman. | - He's still an iceman, as far as I'm concerned.
Put it down there | and get out.
Go. | And stay out.
Now, you're so smart. How are you | going to get it in the icebox?
I'll put it in myself.
Listen, don't ever do | that... that to me!
Oh, God.
Hello, hello, hello.
No, he's not in.
- Oh, hello, Frobisher. | - I've been waiting for ya!
I'll meet you on the first tee. | Hurry up over.
Okay, Charlie. Okay. | I'll be over in a half a tick.
Okay. All right.
Did you put the ice in the icebox? | - Yeah.
- How'd you do it? | - It was easy.
- Where are my golf clubs? | - In your golf bag.
Yeah, but where is the golf... bag?
- You just fell over it. | - Yeah. I see that.
Look at that. | Look at that.
I don't know. Where did that | good old driver go?
Oh, that's enough.
- What's my first appointment this morning? | - Miss Pepitone, at 10:30.
Well, I just have time | for 18 holes.
- Where's my cap? | - You never wear any.
- Oh, yeah. That's right. | - Where's the ice?
- In the icebox! | - There's just a little piece left.
Now I'll have | to get some more.
Keep that iceman out of here. | I'm gonna order a Frigidaire.
- That's mine. | - Oh, yeah.
Well, we can't | look for it all day.
We've been at it | twenty minutes now,
and I got to get back | to the office at half past ten.
- I'm gonna drop another ball. | - Okay, drop another.
If it isn't unfair | to either of you gentlemen,
- I can tell you where the ball is. | - Where?
Under that leaf.
"If it isn't unfair to either of us. " | We've been looking for the ball 20 minutes.
- Fore! | - I'd wait a minute. They're still on the green.
Well, let 'em | get out of the way.
- This is certainly a great game | for your health.
"A ball lying in | a sprinkler connection...
may be dropped without penalty, | no nearer the hole. "
Get those teeth out of there too. | They're right in my line.
- Two. | - You can't do that!
What do you mean, I can't do it? | Read the card.
- You had one strok... | - Dropped in the wa... Wha... Don't.
- You had two strokes... | - Don't quibble. Don't quibble. Don't quibble.
- Snappy little hole. Don't you think so? | - Yes, it is.
Give me | the mashie niblick.
Mashie niblick... | Oh, thanks.
What are they doing? | Having a basket party over there?
Get rid of those ducks.
Don't stand there! | Stand over here!
Those ducks are | throwin' me off.
Over again.
Don't stand behind me | when I'm shooting!
- You told me to stand over there, sir. | - Never mind where I told you to stand.
You stand | where I tell ya.
That kid's so dumb | he doesn't know what time it is.
- Say, by the way, what time is it? | - I don't know.
- 10:15. | - Shut up, will ya?
Now, stand clear and | keep your eye on the ball.
Oh, wait. | You can't do that.
What do you mean | I can't do that?
I can do anything | I want to do.
You can take this golf course and...
- Hello, Joe. | - Hiya, Doc.
- How about a little golf? | - Ah, just threw my clubs away.
- What, again? | - The funniest thing happened.
I'm takin' my second stroke. I bean an | old geezer on the sconce with my ball.
Right near the green. | It was headed for the pin.
The ball rolls back | into a water connection.
I pick it up, | drop it over my shoulder,
it dribbles down | into the hole!
- I'm down in two. | - Well, uh...
What do you mean, "Well"? | They gave me the same argument.
I'm down in two. | Look at the back of the card.
They wanted me to do it over again, | after I had a fine drop.
- Where's the soap? | - It's in your hand.
Huh? Oh.
- How 'bout tomorrow, Doc? | - Uh, what time?
- Oh, about... | - No, I won't be able to go.
- Why not? | - I'm going duck shooting.
- Well, I'll run along... | - Say, boy. You should have been there.
- What? | - I took this mashie niblick, see...
I hit this straight shot for the pin.
It beans this old geezer.
- Down into the water connection | it goes. Coming back...
Oh, to hell with her!
- Drops into | the water connection, I pick it up...
and drop it over my shoulder | and down into the hole it goes!
- Well, I'll give you a ring tomorrow, Doc. | - Okay.
Were they burned up!
You could have fried eggs | on the back of his neck.
Send her in.
How do you do? | Will you sit down?
Put it in here, please.
You won't hurt | my leg, will you?
My doctor says | I have a very bad leg.
Your doctor | is off his nut.
I don't believe | in doctors, anyway.
There's a doctor lives | right down the street here.
Treated a man | for yellow jaundice for nine years,
and then found out | he was a Jap.
- You know, a little dog bit me the other day. | - Dr. Coolataw.
He bit me right here.
- Dog bit you? | - Yes. It was a little dachshund.
- Oh, yeah. | - A little tiny dog, but he sneaked up behind me...
and bit me | right like that!
You're rather fortunate it wasn't | a Newfoundland dog that bit you.
Will you sit down?
- Shall I use gas? | - Well, gas or electric light.
I'd feel nervous to have you | fool around me in the dark.
Come on, this isn't gonna hurt now. | I just want to look in there.
It's not gonna hurt. Come on, come on.
Come on. Come on, now.
I'll try not to be so cruel this time. | Come on. Come on!
- Oh, Doctor, I can't let you do that again! Oh! | - Hmm.
- Tell her I'm out. | - But, Doctor, she has a 3:00 appointment.
I wouldn't care if she had | a 4:00 appointment.
Boy, when I was in Darjeeling, | oh, it was tigers...
What? | Tell her I'm out!
Go on out there | and tell her I'm out.
How do you do? | How are ya?
We've been waiting for you.
Sit down.
When I tell ya to go out and tell | one of these palookas...
that I'm out, go out | and tell them I'm out.
Don't have these buzzards | walk in on me.
I... When I don't want | to see 'em, I don't...
When I don't wanna | see 'em, I don't wanna see 'em.
Don't stand there | and look at me that way. Now, I'm...
You just come in | for the ride?
Haven't I seen your face | somewhere before?
Oh, probably you've seen me | at the horse show.
- Jockey? | - Sir.
Mm. Oh, yeah. | Can you open your mouth?
Come on now. You've got | a bigger mouth than that. Open up.
Mm. | Oh, beautiful!
Hand me that 404 | circular buzz saw, will you?
Dropping, dropping | Dropping, dropping
Is that a 4-0-4 conical | you've given me?
There you are. | Now, that didn't hurt, did it?
I knew | it wouldn't hurt you.
Uh, here. | Give me that packing, please.
Thank you.
Put that tin there | and just stuff it in her mouth.
Pardon me for | just a moment.
You wouldn't let Arthur | come here to see me,
so I'm going to see him.
You're gonna do nothing of the kind.
Excuse me a moment, folks!
Get up there. | Come on. Get up there.
Get up there! | Hyah!
And stay in there. | Now, what do you think of that?
Keep you waiting?
You said a mouthful, there. | Open it... just a moment, there.
All your lines busy?
Why, it came out easily, | didn't it?
Yes, it did. | Yes, it did.
It surprised me.
Open wide. Open wide.
Uh, excuse me just a...
- Open that door! | - I can't. You locked me in.
- Where's the key? | - In your pocket.
Huh? Oh.
Stop it.
Shh! Shh!
Stay there. | There are people downstairs.
- Any patients? Huh? | - Miss Macy.
Oh. Oh, yes.
- Have you ever had this tooth pulled before? | - No!
This won't hurt you... | much.
Get your foot out of the... | Get it out!
Janice, help!
Thank you.
- I'm gonna give her gas. | - Ooh!
Not gonna pull me | all around the floor.
Would you like a drink?
- What is it? | - Water.
No, thanks.
Well, it won't | be long now.
- That female wrestler gone? | - Yes, she's gone.
Is he standing | in a hole?
No, he's just | a little fella.
Hmm. Send him in. | I'll fix him.
This way, please.
How do you do? | How's everything up in Moscow?
Got two strikes on the boys, eh? | Will you sit down?
Thank you.
I can't find his mouth.
Hand me that stethoscope, | will you?
Thanks. | Will you say "ahh" please?
- Ahh. Ahh! Ahh! | - Again? Again?
- I almost had it. Ag-Again? | - Ahh.
- Ha. Ohh. | - Ahh. Ahh. Ahh.
Ah, I got it here! | Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
And a very | pretty thing too.
Yes. Let me see, now.
Hand me that drill.
Thank you.
Now, just | open your mouth.
This can't hurt. Okay.
You can't say | that hurt you.
Doctor, your daughter is | going out with the iceman.
- Don't be silly. I got her locked in the room. | - But they're using a ladder.
- Where do you think you're going? | - That's him!
- So, you're they guy that hit my father on the head. | - Wanna make anything out of it?
- I'd like to see you do that again. | - Is it necessary to do it again?
No, it isn't!
Father, you're not really | going to buy a Frigidaire, are you?
Fifty pounds, | and make it snappy.
- Who's thar? | - Officer Postlewhistle of the Canadian Mounted.
- Hello, officer. | - Good evening, Mr. Snavely.
- Is it still snowin'? | - I don't know. To tell you the truth, I never looked.
- Did you get your man? | - Not yet, but I got my eye on 'im.
Well, that's somethin'.
- You pullin' out? | - Figurin' on goin' over the Rim tonight.
How's your son Chester?
You heared | from him lately?
I ain't a-heared | from Chester...
it'll be a year, | come Michaelmas.
I was thinkin' of the song | that you writ about him.
I wanted to sing it | to my wife last night.
You know, we got a boy | just about Chester's age...
who's got a hankerin' | to go to the city.
- Have you got your dulcimer here? | - Yes, I have, officer.
I wonder if you would mind | singin' me that song.
I'd be tickled to death.
You'll have to excuse me, | though, if my voice isn't just right.
You know, we can't get any ipecac | up in this part of the country.
Go right ahead, | Mr. Snavely.
You won't consider me rude | if I play with my mitts on, will you?
Not at all, Mr. Snavely. | Not at all.
There was once | a poor boy
And he left | his country home
And he came to the city | to look for work
He promised | his ma and pa
He would lead | a sinless life
And always shun | the fatal curse of drink
Once in the city
He got a situation | in a quarry
And there he made | the acquaintance
Of some | college students
He little thought | they were demons
For they wore | the best of clothes
But good clothes | do not always make the gentleman
So they tempted him | to drink
And they said | he was a coward
Until at last he took | The fatal glass of beer
When he found | what he'd done
He dashed the glass | upon the floor
And he staggered | through the door
With delirium tremens
Once upon the sidewalk
He met | a Salvation Army girl
And wickedly | he broke her tambourine
All she said | was "Heaven...
"Heaven bless you"
And placed a mark | upon his brow
With a kick | she'd learned
Before she had been saved
Now, as a moral | to young men
Who come down | to the city
Don't go 'round breaking | people's tambourines
That certainly is a sad song.
Don't cry, constable.
It is a sad song.
My Uncle Ichabod said, | speakin' of the city,
"It ain't no place | for women, gal,
but pretty men go thar. "
He always said somethin' | to make you split your sides a-laughin'.
Comical old gentleman he was.
Well, I think I'll | be a-hightailin' it over the Rim.
- And it ain't a fit night out | for man nor beast.
Ahh! Hee!
Otto, mush!
Mush! | Mush!
Otto! | Mush!
March! March!
Tastes more like corn flakes. March!
- And it ain't a fit night out | for man nor beast.
Hello there!
- How, Mr. Snavely? | - How, Chief.
- How. | - And how.
It ain't a fit night out | for man nor beast.
And it's been a-stormin' | for almost a "fort-nit. "
- Who's thar? | - It's me, Ma.
Did you find any gold | down at the gulf, Pa?
I found that "nougat. " | It be on the table.
A "nougat. " | A golden "nougat. "
Just what you been a-combin' them thar | hills for for nigh on to 30 years.
It must be worth | almost a hundred dollars.
Help to pay off the mortgage | on the old shack.
Has that pill from Medicine Hat | been here again?
- Yes, and he wants more money. | - Rot his hide.
He wants more money, and if he | don't get it, he'll take our malamute.
- He won't take old Bozo, my lead dog. | - Why not, Pa?
'Cause I 'et him.
You 'et him?
He was mighty good | with mustard.
We was a-mushing over | Blind Nag Rim last night.
I got mighty hungry.
You better take | your mukluks off, Pa.
Captain Pepitone | of the Canadian Mounted...
smuggled a police dog | across the border for you.
Smuggled a police dog | across the border for me?
Yes, and he says for you | to keep it under your hat.
- How big is it? | - About so high.
He's crazy.
Pa, it's just | three years today...
since they put our dear son in jail | for stealing them thar bonds.
- And I know he never stole 'em. | - Sure he never stole 'em.
Our Chester | never stole nothin', from nobody.
Hardly ever.
Do you think he'll come | headin' for home...
when they turn him loose | from that plagued jail?
- I reckon, guess and | calculate he will, Ma.
Who's thar?
Our son | back again!
My own...
- Chester, my darling boy! | - Chester!
It ain't a fit night out | for man or beast.
Don't cry, Ma. We got our son | back again, ain't we?
Welcome home, Chester.
Thank you, Pa.
I don't suppose | we'll have him with us long.
Once the city gets | into a boy's system,
he loses his hankerin' | for the country.
- Sit down, Chester. | - Thank you, Pa.
- Will you have some soup, Chester? | - That's my soup, Ma.
Hand me that bread | I was dunkin', will ya?
Dad, I ain't ever gonna leave | the old farm again.
- I've come back here | to stay with you and Ma,
and I ain't ever | gonna leave again.
It's so good | to see you both again.
And I'm so glad to be back | home with you and Ma that I can't talk.
I'd like to go | to my little bedroom...
and lay on the bed | and cry like I was a baby again.
Thar, thar.
Go to your room and | have a good cry, dear.
I know how you feel.
I feel so tired, | I think I'll go to bed.
Why don't you lie down | and take a little rest first, Chester?
- Well, good night, Pa. | - Good night, Chester.
- Good night, Ma. | - Good night, Chester.
- Sleep well, Chester. | - Thank you, Pa. You too.
- Thank you, Chester. | - Sleep well, Chester.
- Thank you, Ma. You sleep well. | - Thank you.
Don't forget to open | the window a bit.
- Don't forget to open yours a bit, Pa. | - I won't, son.
Yes, don't forget | to open your window a bit, Chester.
- Put yours up a bit, too, Ma? | - Good night, Chester.
- Good night, Chester. | - Good night, Pa.
- Good night. | - Good night.
Good night, Chester.
I think I'll go out | and milk the elk.
Don't forget | your moose horn, Pa.
Thank you, Ma.
It ain't a fit night out | for man or beast.
Lida, honey. | Papa's calling.
Yoo-hoo! | Papa's calling ya.
My old embouchure | ain't what it used to be.
Hello, Lida.
Hello, Li... | Say, Elmer, have you seen Lida?
Tell her | Mr. Snavely wants...
Hello, Li... Certainly a bright | moonlight night tonight.
Hello, Li...
Hello, Lida.
Hey, Lida! It's me! Come here! | Don't you know me? Mr. Snavely.
Battered old hide.
Chester, did you | steal them bonds?
Yes, Ma, | I stole them bonds.
I was a bank messenger, | and they caught me fair and square.
I wasn't framed.
I knowed you stole 'em,
but I never would admit it | to your father.
If he thought | you stole 'em,
it would break | his poor old heart.
Never tell him | any different.
- Good night, Chester. | - Good night, Ma.
And it ain't | a fit night out...
for man or beast.
Has Chester | gone to bed yet, Ma?
I don't think so, Pa.
- Chester? | - Yes, Pa?
- Can I speak to you a minute, son? | - Yes, Pa.
did you steal | them bonds?
I knowed you | stole 'em, son,
but I never would admit it | to your mother.
She thinks | you're innocent.
You must never tell her | any different.
If she thought | you stole 'em,
it would break | her poor old heart.
Oh, it's so good | to be home, Dad.
I'm gonna stay here now | with you and Ma for all time.
Chester, have you | any of them bonds on you...
or any of that money?
No, Dad, I ain't got | any of them bonds on me.
And I took that tainted money | and threw it away.
And you came back...
to me and mother.
- Yes, Pa. | - Hmm.
To sponge on us | the rest of your life, you block...
You lug! | Get out of here!
Get out...
you tramp, you!
Get out of here!
And it ain't a fit night out | for man or beast.
Get out of here! | Get out of here!
Stop that! Do you wanna | break that machine?
How do you do, Mr. Dilweg?
It doesn't matter how I do. | Get out of here.
- Hello? | - Hello.
Oh, it's you.
- Where have you been? | - At the firehouse.
- Playing contact bridge with the firemen. | - Did you win?
What kind we do | with hose cart?
I sold the hook and ladder | to a couple of drunken painters.
- Anybody been here since I've been gone? | - Yes, about 50 people.
- What did they want? | - Stamps.
Do you know since I've had | that big electric sign painted,
our stamp business has | picked up 100 percent?
- What do they want? | - They've been here since you left about 10:00 this morning.
And they haven't made a single move | in three and one half hours.
Why don't you get them out of here? | They never buy anything.
They just | borrow matches all day.
You better come up and get your dinner. | Soup's on the table.
Coming right away, dear. | Coming right away.
- How about a cocktail? | - They're already mixed.
- All you have to do is put in the ice. | - Oh, good.
- Hello, Pop. | - Hello. Don't do that.
- Will ya stop it? | - What's the matter, Pop? Don't you love me?
- Certainly I love you. | - What are you doing?
She's not gonna tell me | I don't love her.
- Here. You wanna play? | - Goody.
Remind me to order some more stamps | tomorrow, will ya?
- That's fine. That's fine. That's enough. | - I wanna do it some more.
- Let go, will ya? | - Oh, let me do it just a minute, Pop.
Listen, | will you stop it?
Gee, let me do it.
Is Papa's little angel | going to sit down?
Won't Papa's little | doll baby sit down?
Or will Papa bust | her sconce in with...
What do you mean? | Have you gone crazy?
Sit down | and behave yourself.
Oh, gee whiz.
Mom, what's | technocracy?
- Ask your father, dear. | - Pop, what's technocracy?
Uh, yes, indeedy. | That's, uh...
Say, will you eat your soup | and stop asking silly questions.
And stop that.
Aw, gee, | I like to pop it.
One more pop, | and I'll pop you in the eye.
That's pretty.
I have a chewing gum olive, and she | makes a martini out... Get out of here!
Oh, gee, I'm hungry.
Why don't you learn | that kid some manners?
Teach, my dear. | Teach.
And it might be a good example | if you would take your hat off.
I have hay fever. | Another thing is, there's no top in it.
That doesn't matter.
She's eating | the canary bird!
- Godfrey Daniel! | - Get into that room...
Wait a minute. | Not yet.
- My ear! | - Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Aren't you ashamed | of yourself?
- Go over there and behave yourself. | - Sit down there.
Oh, gee, Mom.
Yeah, just 'cause | I'm a little girl, you hit me.
- Pick on somebody your own size. | - Don't be insolent to your father.
She should see me down at the firehouse | rassling with them firemen.
I take six or eight of them, | throw 'em over my head and backwards.
Well, three, anyway.
Who taught that parrot | to do that?
Stop it.
Stop it. Stop it.
What did you want to eat | a canary bird for anyway?
I couldn't help it.
- Hello, kiddo. | - Hello, Leana.
- Where have you been? | - Cuthbert and I have been to the Blue Ballroom.
Cuthbert, | that sissy.
How do you know? | Why, you've never even seen him.
I don't have to see him. I never knew | a Cuthbert that wasn't a sissy.
When I went to school as a kid, I licked | every kid in school named Cuthbert.
That kid's getting | awfully fresh.
If that's for me, I'm taking a bath. | I'll call 'em up later.
Hello? | Oh, hello, Cuthbert.
- Am I surprised, Cuthbert. | - Am I.
No, Cuthbert.
Really, Cuthbert?
Well, who told you that, | Cuthbert?
Somebody would have | to tell him.
- He'd never find it out himself. | - Really, Cuthbert?
Oh, Cuthbert. Oh, Cuthbert, | that's very, very funny.
Yeah, tell it to us. | Make us laugh too.
- Well, am I surprised, Cuthbert. | - Yeah, you'd be surprised.
- Well, tell me some more about it, Cuthbert. | - Oh, this is getting too much.
Tell him more. She's been talking | for an hour. Stop her.
Oh, that'll be fine, | Cuthy.
Cuthy. | It's Cuthy now.
- Be Cuth in a minute, okay? | - You're so cute, Cuthy.
- Yeah, I'll bet he's cute. | - You did, Cuthbert?
- Mm-hmm. | - Oh, yes, Cuthbert.
- Will you make her stop, please? | - She can't be rude, dear.
- Yes, I would, Cuthbert. | - You would, huh?
- Surely, Cuthbert. | - Yeah.
Yes, Cuth. Tomorrow.
I tell ya, she's making me sick.
That's good. | I'm glad I have to go downstairs.
All right. | Sure I will.
Hello? | Yes. Yes.
This is Dilweg's Drugstore. | Yeah, Mr. Dilweg speaking.
What's that? | Box of cough drops? Uh-huh.
Yeah, I know | what kind you mean.
Yeah, the gentleman with the whiskers, | one on each side, yeah.
Yeah. Uh, no.
No, I'm very sorry. | We can't split a box. No.
Yes, oh, yes, | we can deliver them. Yes.
Uh-huh. Where is it?
Uh-huh. Eighteen miles | straight out on route 96.
Turn to route 13 | and four and a half miles.
Yeah, yeah, all right.
All right. | A box of cough drops. Yes, yes.
We can deliver them | this afternoon. Yes.
Uh-huh. I'll send our truck out | with them right away.
All right. Good-bye.
Just sold another box | of cough drops.
Sit down | in your chair properly.
- What do you mean up on your knees? | - I can't do nothin'.
Oh, you silly | thing, you.
There goes those chimes again. | I gotta go downstairs.
Yes, Cuthbert.
- How do you do? | - How do you do? Is there a lady in attendance here?
- Huh? | - Is there a lady in attendance here?
Oh. Uh, yes, yes. Yes, yes. I'll | be right down. She'll be right down.
Thank you.
Hurry up downstairs, | dear.
There are two ladies | that won't let me wait on 'em.
They want a lady | to wait on 'em.
- I simply can't go down there. | - They won't tell me what they want.
- You sit there and eat. | - I'll go down, Pop.
- Will you hurry up? | - Well, if I'm going to clerk in the drugstore,
I'll simply have to get | some decent-looking clothes first.
Hurry up, dear. | We're gonna lose their trade.
She'll be down | in half a moment.
You read Mother India?
Sex Life of the Polyp?
The Grover Boys | in Newsome?
Cake a la mode.
Fresh every Tuesday.
A rather amusing | little beggar.
Just a little fly speck, | that's all.
Old Moscow | in the winter.
Could I interest you | in a stamp?
- Yeah, give me a stamp. | - Oh.
No. Give me | a purple one.
Well, I'm sorry. We haven't any | purple ones. I could paint one for you.
I don't want | a painted one.
A person hasn't got any rights | in this country anymore.
The government | even tells you...
- What color stamps you gotta buy. | - Yeah, it's pretty tough.
That's the Democratic | Party for you.
I've written to Washington | about it.
What do you wanna write | to Washington for? He's dead.
- How much are your stamps? | - Three cents.
- All right. Give me one. | - Oh, thank you.
No. Don't give me | that dirty one.
Give me a clean one. | Give me the one out of the middle.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Pardon my fingers. | Is that all right?
- Ah, shall we send it? | - No, I'll take it along.
Oh, yes.
- Huh? | - You got change for a hundred dollars?
No. I'm very sorry. | I haven't.
- I'll pay you the next time I come in. | - Just a moment.
Just a moment. We're giving these little | souvenirs away with every purchase.
We won't be able | to wait much longer.
Oh, uh... uh... uh... uh, | she'll be down, uh... she'll be down.
She'll be right down. | Just, uh... She won't... Just wait...
She'll be right down.
Uh, where's | your, uh...
- Oh, I'd love to, Cuthbert. | - Dear...
- Close the door and get out of here. I'm coming right down. | - Hurry up.
Those old ladies are getting very | impatient. We're gonna lose their trade.
Oh, Cuthbert.
Oh, I think that'd be lovely.
That's right. | Eat your spinach. Eat your spinach.
She'll be right down now. | Coming now.
What can I do for you?
Is there | a ladies restroom here?
Yes. Right over there.
- The first door on your left. | - Thank you.
You fool! | Why didn't you tell them?
- They didn't ask me anything about it... | - Ohh!
They never did tell me.
How you gonna know if...
How do you do, sir? | How are you?
What can I do for you?
Certainly not.
You don't think | I'd break the laws...
of this great and grand | and glorious United States of ours...
just to satisfy | your depraved tastes?
A thousand no's.
I've never had or sold a bottle | of liquor since I've opened this place.
No? Well, | you're not fooling me.
- I'll get you yet. | - Huh?
Maybe and maybe not.
He looked a little screwy | when he came in here.
Did I understand you to say you were | giving souvenirs away.
- Oh, Mother. | - No, that's all right. Yes, that's all right.
Yes, we are, here.
- Here. | - Oh, thank you.
Oh, Mother, | isn't it lovely?
- Aren't you glad I asked? | - Would you like one?
- Oh, you're so kind. | - Oh, that's quite all right.
Thank you so much. | Aren't they gorgeous?
- Whenever you want any stamps, don't forget us. | - Thank you. We won't.
I've been in the same place | 15 years now.
I control all the stamp business | in this neighborhood.
What, more stamps?
Is she blotto | or not?
Yeah, some smelling salts. | Just crack that bottle off.
- That's right. | - Everything's free here.
If anybody's hurt, | it's all right.
I don't know | who she is.
Yeah, she's liable | to get diphtheria there.
- Where am I? | - Uh, Dilweg's Drug Company.
- Mr. Dilweg here. | - What happened?
I don't know.
- That horrible man again. | - I never saw her in all my life.
- Get her some whiskey. Get whiskey. | - Uh...
Hello? Hello?
Yeah. Uh-huh. | Mrs. Riggensmith?
Those cough drops | haven't arrived?
Oh, I'm very sorry.
Oh, I'm very sorry, yes. | They'll be there any minute.
I sent them out at 3:00 this afternoon | on our truck, yeah.
Good-bye. | Good-bye, Mrs. Riggensmith.
Wait a minute, dear. | There's so much noise out here,
I can't hear | a word you say.
I want you to meet | a very wonderful young man.
- Mr. Smith, this is Mrs. Dilweg. | - How do you do?
Oh, dear, come here. I want you to meet | a very wonderful and brave young man.
He's just saved my life.
- This is my daughter. Mr. Smith. | - Cuthbert!
Oh, Leana!
I wanna meet Cuthbert!
Ha ha ha. Listen, dear, | go upstairs and eat your pogo.
- Then you can jump on your spinach after. Go! | - I wanna meet Cuthbert.
Pretty good town you got here.
You bet we have. A public library and | the largest insane asylum in the state.
Come on, Joe. | Let her down.
All right, all right. | Slack it up.
They sure were great fights | last night, O'Hare.
Yes, they were, yeah. | Never saw better fights in my life.
- I got a kick out of them. | - So did I. So did I.
Fought like | a couple of dressmakers.
I see fights like that, I feel | like getting back into condition...
and getting into | the fight game myself again.
Ah, that's better.
Hello, O'Hare. | What do you know?
Not a thing. Not a thing.
That lug tells his wife | everything he knows.
Don't tell him anything.
- Good morning, Mr. O'Hare. | - Good morning, Mrs. Coggins.
- How's Mr. Coggins? | - He's not so well this morning.
Oh, that's unfortunate. | I'm sorry to hear that.
- I'm worried about him. | - Yeah, I am too.
He was out on one of his benders | last night again.
Boy, how he can drink that raw alcohol | and live I don't know.
Fine mayor he is.
Get out. Get out. | Get out. Get out. Get out of here.
All I gotta do all day long | is paint that bowl?
Pop, Ma says to come up | and get your vittles right away.
Get my vittles? | I'll be right with you, Ronald.
- Pop, you wanna hear a riddle? | - I'd love to hear a riddle.
- Why is a cat's tail like a long journey? | - I'm afraid you have me, Ronald.
- Why is a cat's tail like a long journey? | - 'Cause it's far to the end.
Oh, Ronald very good. | Absolutely sidesplitting.
- Sit down and eat your dinner. | - What, no meat?
Vegetables contain | more minerals.
Pop, you wanna hear | another cat riddle?
Yes, I would, Ronald. | I'd love to.
What looks most like a cat looking | out of a window?
I don't know. What looks most | like a domestic feline...
contentedly gazing | from the window?
I'll tell you, Pop, what looks most | like a cat looking out of a window.
Another cat | looking in.
Oh, very good, Ronald. | Very good.
Eat your spinach. | Eat your spinach. Eat your spinach.
- Pop, would you like to hear another riddle? | - Don't encourage him.
Eat your carrots.
Dear, that shows he's awfully smart. | Mr. Lincoln used to tell riddles.
That, as much as anything else, made him | the wonderful president that he was.
Pop, why is a load of hay | like a mouse?
Don't. | My poor brain.
He gives me skull pains | with these terrible riddles.
Do you know why a load of hay | is like a mouse?
No, Ronald, I do not.
I've never noticed a similarity | between a small rodent...
and a large amount | of horse's provender.
Why does...
a small rodent | resemble a load of hay?
'Cause a cat'll eat it.
Cat'll eat it? | Cat'll eat it?
Very good, Ronald. | Very...
Eat your spinach. | Eat your spinach.
- Hey, where are you? | - Yeah? Coming, coming.
Coming, coming, | coming, coming.
- Hey, where are you? | - Coming, coming, coming, coming.
I'm coming.
Hello. I hear you | wanna to buy a fiddle.
Oh, no. I have Lena here. | I'm perfectly satisfied with her.
Oh. But him | is a fine fiddle.
He may be a fine fiddle, | but I get very sweet music out of Lena.
Then somebody told me | that you wanna buy a fiddle.
Two weeks ago I did. | But I had Lena all fixed up...
and I'm perfectly | satisfied with her now.
- And me push him for three miles. | - Oh, I'm sorry about that.
Hey, hey, can I keep him here | till I come back from work?
Surely. Put him right | in the corner here.
- That's fine. | - Put him right in there.
- That's okay. That's fine. | - Take good care of him.
- I'll take good care of him. | - So long.
How do you do, | Miss Sharp?
- Have a nice lunch? | - Yes.
I had a wonderful steak | at the lunch counter.
Steak. I love meat.
But we never have it | at our house.
My wife's a vegetarian.
All we have | is vegetables.
Say, I was practicing | last night on Lena out in the garage.
And I think I got | that down fine now.
- Would you mind listening to it? | - Oh, I'd love to.
- You like that? | - I think it's sweet.
Yeah, I think it's much better | than it was. Isn't it funny?
My wife doesn't think | it's music.
Guess she just has | no ear for it.
Here's the other one. | This is the second motif.
That's more difficult that way when you | have to move your hands around that way.
Howdy do, sir? | Will you sit down?
- Manicure? | - No.
- Haircut or shave? | - Yeah.
- I beg your pardon. Isn't your name Flogg? | - Yeah.
I thought so. I didn't recognize | your face when you first came in.
No, it's all healed up | since I was in here last.
Oh, Mr. O'Hare,
I see they're offering | a $ 2,000 reward...
for that bandit who robbed the bank | in Cucamonga City.
Two thousand dollars. | I'd like to get that dough.
If I wasn't so busy, | I'd go over and choke that guy to death.
I'd teach him not to rob banks | in and around City.
Oh, Mr. O'Hare,
did you know you had | your hat on backwards?
- I beg your pardon? | - Did you know you had your hat on backwards?
Oh, no. | Thank you very much.
I had it on backwards | day before yesterday...
and a friend of mine | came up and kicked me in the stomach.
Joe, don't miss it!
Be careful, boys. | Be careful.
Throw it out here, | Mr. O'Hare!
I haven't thrown a spitball since I was | first line pitcher on the Baltimore Orioles.
All right, son!
- Get on the other side of the street. | - Okay.
There she goes.
Well, he...
He didn't hit it.
Just sharpening | the blade, that's all.
Shut your eyes, please.
That tickle?
A little in your ear. | But that won't hurt.
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Okay. It wasn't your fault. | I can fix that.
No harm done. | No harm done.
Got a mole?
- Yeah. I've had it all my life. | - Mm-hmm.
Won't have it anymore.
You wanna shave | right here.
- Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. | - Ah! Ah! Ah!
That's all right. I...
Uh, how do you do?
Is it true that you can take weight off | in that steam room of yours?
I positively | guarantee it.
My wife says if I don't get some | of this fat off, she'll leave me.
Step right this way, | will you?
Right in here. | Here's the room right here.
Just go | into this hangar.
Change your clothes | in there.
If he ever took his shoes off, | he'd go right up in the air.
Hey, what's that dog | doing in here?
It's a very funny thing. | The other day a man was in here.
And I was shaving him. | The razor slipped and I cut his ear off.
The dog got it. Ever since he's been | hanging around here for...
Go away. Go away. | He can't get another ear.
Got to follow through, | the same as you do with a hockey club.
I guess my strop | freezes up the moment I...
Ah! There you are.
Here we are. | Here. See? Steam room.
Right in there. | Right in there and sit down.
There, there. I'll turn | the steam on right away.
Come on, Ethel. | Get excited.
There you are.
Now, don't stay in there | over a minute.
If it gets too hot, just press | that button and the light will go on.
If you get into any trouble, | just pull that rope...
and the horn | will blow up there,
and I'll get you | right out.
He's in there a minute, | it'll take a ton off.
Just one little hot towel, | and you'll be like new again.
All right. | All right. All right.
All right.
All right.
- All right. | - Oh!
All right.
There you are.
The police car. | I bet they're after that bandit.
Which way did they go? | They went up that way.
When I hear that old siren, | I feel like an old horse.
Wanna get back | in the harness again.
- I used to be a detective once. | - Really, Mr. O'Hare?
- Yes, yes. | - You seem to have been everything.
- Well, I guess I was. My wife calls me every... | - Cornelius!
Yes, yes, my | will-o'- the-wisp?
- Did you mail that letter I gave you yesterday morning? | - Uh... Uh... Uh, yeah... Yes.
- Yes, I did, dear. | - I think I'll go have my dress fitted.
Yes, have your dress | fitted, yes.
- How do you do, Mrs. Broadbutter? | - How do you do, Mr. O'Hare?
Would you mind taking care of the baby | while I go in the drugstore?
- I'd love to. | - Thank you.
- How's Mr. Broadbutter? | - Fine. I'll be just a minute.
Okay. Here. What's this? | Come here. Come here.
My little wooly britches. Don't you | know to swallow that will kill you?
I'll get it. Here she is.
Wouldn't you like to wait | for a little powder?
I'd like to have enough powder | to blow you up, if you wanna know.
Have you had enough?
Have I had enough?
Ah, been biting | your nails again, eh?
If I had | my former weight,
I'd choke you to death.
I'll sue you...
and take this barbershop | away from you.
Oh, well, | I don't care.
And I just got this | nice new steam room put in too.
I'll have the law | on you for this.
Well, I told you | not to stay in over a minute.
- Did you have a nice lunch? | - Cornelius?
- Ah, yes, my slendery? | - I'm going downtown.
- I need clothes. Give me some money. | - You got change for a dollar?
Give it to me. I think | I'll have my nails manicured too...
while I'm out.
- Pop, you wanna hear another riddle? | - Not now, Ronald.
Run along. | Run along, son.
Play your | little baseball.
If you think you've heard | the last of this, you're mistaken.
- You deliberately locked me in that room. | - Why, that's a colossal fib.
I'm a very | kindhearted person.
I've never hurt man, | beast or child.
Except when I had to.
Well, Lena, | let's get going.
I'm glad you like this.
- How do you do? | - Oh, howdy do? Howdy do?
- I'd like to have my little girl's hair cut. | - Oh, surely.
She's a very pretty little girl. | I'd love to cut her hair.
- And she knows where to go, doesn't she? | - Yes, she does indeed.
- It's a very pretty hat she has on. | - She's been to a maypole dance.
- Has she? | - Yes.
- Want your hair cut? | - No.
- Gloria. | - Oh, have your hair cut. I'll just take her hat off.
- Do you mind? | - I don't want my hat off.
I'll have it off.
- You can't wear a hat when you're having your hair cut. | - No indeed.
There's two hats.
- Maybe she better keep her hat on. | - It might not be bad.
Now, look here, | there's a nice stick of candy for you.
- Aren't you ashamed? | That's the barbershop candy.
- I've got plenty of it. | - You think they were really chasing the bandit?
Sure it was. For two pins, I'd close | this shop and go over and get him...
and choke him to death | with my bare hands.
That's the way we used to choke wolves | to death years ago in the northwest.
I belong to the Bare Hand | Wolf Chokers Association.
Had to choke a wolf to death | before you could belong to the asso...
Um, yes, sir, | yes, sir, yes, sir?
Listen, barber, get rid of those people | and get rid of them quick.
- I'm sorry, folks. This gentleman is ahead of you. | - That's absurd.
- After I've waited here this length of time. | - He telephoned in...
- He telegraphed... | - What's the matter with you?
- He was here. He came... | - You act like an idiot.
Come on, Gloria. | We'll get out of this place.
- Think I'll go upstairs. | - Stay where you are.
Listen, barber, you've got ten minutes | to make me look like another man.
- Yes, sir. | - I gotta get out of this town fast.
Get that thing off there. | Come on. Make it snappy.
- I think I'll go home, Mr. O'Hare. | - Stay where you are.
Listen, barber, get this. | Take the mustache off.
Take the tabs off. Take the eyebrows | off. Close-crop the hair.
- And make it snappy. | - Have you tried that good barber at the hotel?
- He's wonderful. | - Get busy.
I'm the worst barber in town. | My wife will tell you that.
- Will you take those off? | - Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
What are you doing? Are you gonna | get going, or are you gonna get going?
- I'm gonna get going. | Lock the door, Miss Sharp.
Gangway, please! | Excuse me.
Stop in the name | of the law!
Stop | in the name of the law!
Get out of the way, you fools! | You wanna get killed?
Wretched bicycle!
I didn't mean it!
Get out of the way, you fools! | I didn't mean it.
Let me up. Let me up. | I didn't try to get ya.
I like bandits. | Some of my best friends are bandits.
The president of the bank | comes up to our house.
- Congratulations, Mr. O'Hare. | - Yeah?
You get the $2,000 reward. This is | the fella we've been looking for.
- I told ya I'd get him, didn't I? | - What's the matter here?
- What happened? | - I caught the bandit.
- You caught him? | - Yeah, I get the $2,000 reward.
I had to chase him | around the block three times...
before I got the revolver | away from him.
- I don't believe my own ears. | - One side, folks. Just a minute.
Here's the brave little lad | that captured the bandit.
He hit a liner with a baseball that | struck him right on the top of his head.
He knocked poor Mr. O'Hare here | right off his bicycle.
- Are you hurt, Mr. O'Hare? | - Not physically, no.
- Come on, Dick. Get these folks out of here. | - All right. Come on, you.
That's a brave | little lad, Ronald.
In regards to the reward, Mr. O'Hare, | step over to the station tomorrow.
I'll see that | you get it.
So, you caught | the burglar.
Come, Ronald.
- Pop, you wanna hear another riddle? | - Not now, Ronald. I'm not in the mood.
- Go upstairs and eat your spinach. | - Never mind, Mr. O'Hare.
- I know you caught the bandit. | - I know I caught him too.
What's the good of arguing with | those people? They're all nervous.
You can't talk | to 'em at all.
Come on, Lena. | Let's talk to her.
Little devils. | You're just as lively as can be too.
Lena, how could you?
You dog, you.