Whatever It Takes (2000) Movie Script

- Hey, Maggie. | Hey, Ryan.
What did you do last night?
The usual.
Had the driver take me shopping, | hit a couple of clubs.
Then I wound up at some after-hours | talking fashion with the Beastie Boys.
I picked up Ashley Grant in the Ferrari, | had dinner at one of my restaurants...
...reluctantly appeared at | a VIP awards show party.
- You know, the same old thing. | - Right.
Watched TV and made a mix tape.
Played the accordion.
Thanks, Dad.
Ryan, I'm only saying this | because we're friends.
You need to get over | this Ashley Grant thing.
Because you've been into her forever | and it's not healthy!
You're obsessed.
So every guy in school likes her.
You'd get crushed.
Here comes the steamroller now.
Hi, Ashley.
- Hi! | - Yo, baby.
Hey, Ashley.
Are you okay?
- Hey, Floyd. | - You know? I'm going to miss this place.
I'm going to miss this place. | The games, the parties...
- ... all these lovely women digging me. | - More like, all but one of them.
Maggie Carter...
...breaks my heart. | But I've still got four weeks.
How many times you gonna ask her out?
And be completely shut down?
But this time I got a plan.
Sorry about...
Your mouth!
That's the first complaint | I've had about it so far.
Sorry about your mouth?
What the hell is wrong with me?
You suck with women! | Especially fine ones like Ashley Grant.
Way to go, champ.
Relax, Ryan, it could be worse.
Speaking of, your mom's on stage | in her nurse's outfit.
Hi, Mrs. Woodman.
Attention, everyoneI | Could you please take your seats?
Everybody find your seats. Quickly, please.
We have a very exciting lecture today | and you won't want to miss it.
Excuse me.
Got to pay the toll.
You want me to kick you in the face?
Well, that depends. Would you be naked?
School's almost out and | you're still saying no to me.
Say it isn't so!
The master has lost his touch.
Hello everyoneI | I'm Katie Woodman, school nurse.
Since summer's approaching, | I thought I'd talk to you about safe sex.
As you know, | the safest route is abstinence.
But if you're going to be sexually active, | there's a few things you need to know.
Speaking of Woodman.
Hot from her personal collection?
Shut up.
To those of you who may not know, | this is the penis.
- This is the male sexual organ. | - Come to my house after school.
You want to?
I'm having some friends over. It'll be fun.
Now the penis | also carries urinary responsibility.
I can't. I got plans.
...that means that this goes hand in hand | with the latex condom.
For it to be effective it needs to be | pulled down all the way.
God, that was like a bad dream.
Every man needs a dream...
...and mine is to become | the next Virgil Doolittle.
- You know what he got expelled for? | - He stole Gilmore's neck.
That's right! Cooper Gilmore has no neck | because of Virgil Doolittle.
- He got arrested. | - And charged with "mayhem. "
Mayhem! How cool is that?
- The man is a legend! | - The man went to prison, Floyd.
Allegedly! And besides, who cares?
It has been twenty-one years | and Doolittle lives on!
You know a recent survey showed that | most women do prefer a man of danger.
- What's up, Cosmo? | - How's it going?
What's up?
You think accordion players have groupies?
I mean, really good ones?
Why do you ask?
You know, it's three weeks to prom.
That's right!
I don't know, I think it might be nice to go.
I figured, who better to go with | than my life-long neighbour...
...best buddy and partner in crime?
No prospects?
Have you seen me with any lately?
You going to make me beg?
Maybe a little.
I guess you have to go stag | with Floyd and the boys.
No. You got yourself a date.
- Thanks, Ryan. | - I should be thanking you.
Here we go, Woodman, dig in!
I hear you're going | to the prom with Maggie.
Where did you hear that?
Stand up now, Betty Boop!
It's all over school.
Maggie told me. You excited?
Woodman, my ass! You got no lumber. | You're stickless! You got no stick!
Floyd, it's Maggie.
Maggie's fine.
Dig in now here! Closer!
I know everything there is | to know about her.
- Closer! | - It would be like kissing my sister.
Which isn't a terrible thing | in some parts of the world.
Walk it off.
How many fingers?
Close enough.
- You okay? | - Yeah.
The coach hit you.
- Let's get out of here. | - Walk it offI
I got a surprise for you, buddy.
- Where the hell we going? | - Right on time for the floor show.
Can we come in?
It's $20!
You said $10!
Five seconds, it goes up to $30.
Come on, let's go. For one!
Go! You owe me! I want instant recall!
- Excuse me, sir? | - Come on! Move!
Sir, I don't know where we're going.
It should be empty. You got two minutes.
Go right into the cage. | You get busted, you do not know me.
Go on in. You don't have all day. Move!
Five minutesI
Did you get a good look?
Hey, hold up!
Wish I could, my brother, | but you know how it is, right?
We could hang out some time.
Troll for some skank or skank | for some troll or something.
- What's up with Maggie Carter? | - What's up with that little sassy?
Why do you ask?
Maybe I'm interested.
In Maggie Carter? Trust me, I've known | her my whole life. She's not your type.
Ashley Grant's not yours either | but I could hook you up.
Homestyle got the hook up.
- Who says I'm into Ashley Grant? | - Come on.
I saw you checking her out all year. | Just thought I could help you out.
What's the catch?
Why has there got to be a catch?
You haven't said dick to me in four years...
...and now you want to help me out?
You're right. | I don't know you. You don't know me.
The prom's coming up. I'm into Maggie. | You're into Ashley.
She ever mention me?
What makes you think | I have a chance with her?
You don't. But Ashley is my cousin | and I can help you.
- Same goes for me with Maggie. | - I don't know. Why Maggie?
- You could date any girl in school. | - But Maggie's special. I can tell.
What do you say? You be me...
...and I'll be you.
I need to talk to you.
- Deal. | - Deal.
Do you know what this means?
You're validating our entire species here.
I'm serious! This is like Lyle Lovett | and Julia Roberts!
Quasimodo and the Notre Dame chick! | Tommy Lee and-
- Everybody. | - Yeah.
- Of course, he's gifted. | - Studies show that...
...84 percent of all women polled prefer | technique to physical size.
Don't tell me you can't grasp | the greatness of this!
- You compared me to a hunchback! | - Next to Ashley Grant, you are.
I'd like to hunch her back!
Ashley's going to love this.
No, I can't send her that.
You just did.
She's going to hate me!
- Exactly! | - I sent Maggie poetry from you.
Listen, every guy in schooI wants | to say something nice to Ashley Grant.
Big deal! You got to stand out. | Be different.
But, "Your hair looks butch"?
It'll work.
Ryan, your mom's heading this way.
Cosmo, get your hand off the friggin' dick!
Don't worry, I'll take care of... Hey girls!
Who are your friends?
You know Brian.
That's Ryan.
I think so. You're new, right?
No. I've been around.
Right! I've seen you.
Where you been, C-man?
With Brian.
That's Ryan. That's me.
Do you know about the party?
Ashley Grant's, 9:00. Be there!
Bye, Brian.
Bye, Brian.
Bye, Brian.
Hey, bring someone.
Good hanging with you guys.
Wait up.
Good going, Brian!
I've got to go find Maggie!
Sweet. We've got ourselves an occasion!
The things I do for you.
You realise, we're going to be | the biggest idiots in there.
Over here, thanks, Dad!
No, we won't.
Excuse my tardiness. I had to kill a man.
Cosmo, what the hell are you wearing?
Floyd said to dress up.
- I look good, right? | - Yeah.
Smells like teen spirit. Great!
Is this what you had in mind?
Darn! That's what I was going to wear.
Care to dance?
Go ahead.
That's okay.
Why not?
He's got to take a shit.
Ashley, I have... I don't know what...
What's he all dressed up for?
His mom died.
Earlier today.
Ladies! Sit tight!
So, she says, "True or false?" | I said, "Hello! News flash!
"If you have to ask, false! " | She's such a liar.
So the liar.
Then she said, | "I can't believe you're acting like this! "
And I said, "I can't believe | you're dressing like this! "
- Marnie, is that my dress? | - No.
She knows you're here. She wants to talk. | It's all good.
I'm on this.
Sloane got drunk and made out | with that hairy guy.
You're lyingI
You know you made out with him.
Whatever, Marnie.
Did you get my e-mail?
Oh my God! Was that you?
Did you get my words?
Poetry. Didn't know you had it in you.
A little surprise. You liked it? | Pretty freaky stuff.
Get you hot?
Hey, Chris.
Thanks for your help.
Yeah, like Carter really liked your crap. | You see what happened?
People saw that.
Damn man, you're too cocky!
- What? | - I saw you groping her.
No matter what I write, | Maggie won't go for that.
She volunteers at a nursing home!
That's what I'm talking about.
Grant isn't exactly all hot for you either.
That's great. You know, the idea was, | "Ryan impresses Ashley. "
Not, "Ryan depresses Ashley. "
Ryan gets pickle in Ashley. | Not Ashley gets Ryan in a pickle!
Look man, chicks dig assholes!
I mean...
...check out Stu and Harris.
They're both going to get laid tonight.
Come on, I'll show you. Let's find Ashley.
Remember grade school when you | always picked on the girl you liked?
It's kind of like that.
I mean, some girls are just insecure.
You're saying Ashley Grant is insecure?
She's the head cheerleader of insecurity.
If I treat her bad, she'll go for it?
Come on, that doesn't make any sense.
You dated how many of these girls?
That's what I thought.
Now check out Grant.
Simple question:
Do you want her or not?
- Well, yeah! | - Okay.
There you go. Now you're in the game.
You asshole!
I got something for you!
Forget it. I'm out of here.
How could you have done this? | This was cashmere!
How could you do that?
Because I'm an asshole?
- Move, jerk. | - Asshole!
What are you doing? | Those chicks were digging us!
You want to see the rest of the house?
This isn't working.
Sure it is.
Grant asked me about 20 times | if the e-mail guy was right about her hair.
Even if everything you said is true, | I don't want to be mean to her.
Right! Seeing how she's so sweet to you.
You know what Ashley said to me tonight?
She's looking for something special.
I can get you there. | You can be that guy for her.
You just have to help me be | that guy for Maggie.
I thought I was being abducted.
How come you bagged on the party?
I had better things to do, like sleep. | You should try it.
- I talked to Chris Campbell. | - I bet that was educational.
It was. He's not that bad, | once you get past the jock stuff.
He asked about you.
I got some goofy e-mail from him.
You didn't like it?
- Did you write him back? | - Be serious.
Why not? | You haven't been on a date in forever!
Do you think I enjoy asking you | to the prom?
Hanging with you | and the guys every weekend?
- I thought you liked hanging out with us. | - Some weekends, okay? Some!
E- mail him. Why not send him | the famous Maggie Carter Soul Quiz?
- That'll be good for a laugh. | - Maybe!
- Good night. | - But maybe he'll ace it.
And you won't have to spend | another miserable weekend with me.
You know what I meant.
Yeah, I know.
- Good morning. | - What's up?
- You guys get dressed in the dark? | - It's Mismatch Day.
Maybe I should go home and change.
You and Ashley Grant, | that's your mismatch, buddy.
- Opposites do attract. | - Thanks, Cosmo.
Probably not that opposite.
Brian, Carter sent me this midterm, | with questions.
I know, it's the Soul Quiz. | It's movies, books, music.
- You pass that, you're a new man. | - Famous.
There is one small hitch. | You do realise Ashley Grant hates me.
Clear the pool!
She doesn't hate you. | She's confused by you.
She's trying to act like she doesn't care.
But believe me Brian, | she cares more than you think.
She just can't figure you out. | It's driving her nuts.
You're this new guy "Brian," | who's not into her for some reason.
But I'm not Brian.
- Hey, Brian. | - Hi, Brian.
There they are!
- Step off. | - What a dufus.
You girls are hot.
What's up?
Who's the gerbil?
I'm Floyd. You know, Ryan's friend. | Now, the chicks want me, so...
Come on, you got a Soul Quiz to take.
- Do you want to see what I'm writing? | - No. Just make me look good.
Not too cocky.
Is everything okay?
The last book he read was Nine Stories.
Salinger. Wow.
It gets worse. The Beastie Boys, | the Eels, and old Cheap Trick.
He aced it!
Stripes, Casablanca, | and anything by Monty Python.
- That's great! | - No, it's not.
It's horrible. Chris Campbell.
- Maggie, it's not that bad. | - Not that bad? He's gorgeous.
What am I going to do?
- You mean after tonight's double date? | - Not a chance.
Why not?
Because as far as I can see, | there's nothing special about this person.
- That's what he said about you. | - He did not.
I'm serious. He said those things. | He really likes you.
It's just one date.
Trust me.
Trust me.
When any chick goes on a talk show | with their fiance...
...and has a deep secret, | has it ever been anything other than...
..."I'm really a man. " I mean, seriously!
Your fiance invites you on TV to tell | you something, she's packing sausage.
- Come on, man, I got to get ready. | - That's why I'm calling. Be careful tonight.
Pat her down before you get in the car.
Just be sure.
- Hold on, I got another call. | - So what? Let it go.
- It might be Chris. | - Inbreed.
I'm sorry, Ryan, I can't do this. | I'm calling Chris.
What? Maggie, you have to.
- It just doesn't feel right. | - What doesn't feel right?
- He passed the Soul Quiz. | - Ryan.
- Maggie, I need your help! | - No, you don't.
You're going to be fine.
What kind of mongrel leaves | a call waiting?
Floyd, I can't. I got to go.
Cosmo says to check | for an Adam's apple, all right?
- Hey, Chris? | - That's me.
- Hey, it's Maggie. | - Hey, Maggie.
Listen, I'm calling you about tonight.
- You wanna hold on one second? | - Yeah.
- Maggie's going to call you. Don't answer! | - I already did.
- She wants to cancel the date. | - Yeah, the Soul Quiz?
She liked that stuff. | I don't know what happened.
- Maybe she's nervous. | - Nervous stomach?
Probably the pill.
All right, put me on hold | and I'll talk you through this.
But you have to keep coming back | to me, okay?
Let's start with, "I was really | looking forward to seeing you tonight. "
"We seem to have a lot in common. " | Yadda, yadda.
No, I don't think, "Bitch, we had plans," | will work.
Hold on.
I'm sorry about the wait.
It's cool.
Great. Now, that's my other line. | Can you hold on a second?
What happened?
- My God, your mom fell down the stairs! | - What?
Miss Carter, are you okay?
Chris, can I call you back?
- I just bought us a few seconds. | - Dude, you let it go. She's not going.
She is going! Tell her | you need to talk to a friend.
- Why? | - You're depressed.
- Your grades suck. Your father's on crack! | - My dad played pro-football.
- You're getting your ass kicked for that. | - I don't know what your problem is, Ryan.
She's back.
Don't screw this up.
Hold on.
Chris, are you there?
Yeah. I'm here...
You okay? You sound kind of different.
Yeah, well...
Battery's running low on my wireless. | I have to put you on speaker.
Can you hang on?
Just a second.
Sorry about that.
- Can you hear me now? | - Yeah, sort of.
Listen, I hope you're not sick.
Well, you know...
...I'm sick about this not happening.
I know I'm a jock.
I'm brainless.
Conceited, in love with myself.
That's how you must see me.
But let me tell you how I see you.
The you I see has a big heart.
She's smart, fun to hang around with.
Doesn't take my shit.
I like that.
I like that you look nervous sometimes | for no reason.
When you do, you bite your lip.
I like that you probably rifled | through your closet tonight...
...and settled with | what you'd started out with.
I like your smile.
I don't usually talk this way, but...
...I think being with you...
...wouldn't be irrelevant.
Know what I'm saying?
Or maybe I should stop | with all this weak shit.
No, it's nice.
All right.
Let's do this. No pressure.
We'll go hang out, the four of us...
...get to know each other, talk, maybe-
Swap some spit.
- Famous! | - What?
I said, thank you.
- You thirsty? | - Yeah, sure.
Great. Why don't you get me one, too?
Good one! That's funny. | We'll get it. Ashley?
Let's go.
Jesus, I'm dying over there.
Rejection, man. You got to piss her off. | Tell her that her breath is rank.
No, I'm not telling her that.
Whatever, man. I'm telling Carter | she needs a tit job.
I'm just pulling your dick, | What do you want me to say?
Why don't you just | be the strong silent type?
If you decide to talk to her, | be nice, all right?
Tell her she looks nice. | Tell her you like her outfit.
You should tell Grant | her ass looks big in those jeans.
You look nice. I like your clothes.
Want some?
There's that Octopus thing. | Come on Marge, there's no line.
- Sorry, cream puff. No beverages. | - What?
That's okay. I'll just wait and hold it.
Let's go!
Have a nice ride.
Hey! Midget man. | Munchkin man, make it go fast.
You having a good time?
This is kind of fun.
- Hi. | - Hey.
Did you throw up?
No, not exactly.
Sorry, Brian. Let's go!
Can I borrow your shirt?
No way, man. I'll get cold. | Hey girls, wait up.
- What do I do to win a T-shirt? | - You break it, you rake it.
Could you help me out, pal? | I got puke all over my shirt.
- He gave you his shirt? | - The ferris wheel! Let's go!
What, man? She was cold.
Hey, wait up, girls!
- I like your shirt. | - Thank you.
Madge, who do you hang out with | at Gilmore?
Because, you know, | I never see you around.
- Mostly just Ryan. | - Ryan.
- Yeah, Ryan. | - That's me. Ryan's my last name.
- Wait. Your name is Brian Ryan? | - Cruel parents.
I've told you a million times, | you've got to get a faster modem.
So, you were right. | That e-mail you sent me.
My hair looks terrible.
No, your hair doesn't look terrible. | But it hides your eyes.
You have really amazing eyes, | really pretty...
Besides, compared to your jeans, | your hair's a work of art.
It's really great that you like the Eels.
Other than Ryan, I don't really | know anyone else who likes them.
- The Eels? | - Yeah.
They're electric!
I can't believe you don't like these jeans. | They were really expensive!
- That's even worse. | - Shut up.
- It's the rhinestones, isn't it? | - For starters.
- Who else do you like? | - I like you.
Mommy, can I have some...
- Anything else you don't like about me? | - I could do without those shoes.
- What is wrong with my shoes? | - They're monstrous, Bigfoot!
Shut up!
I like that shirt.
- Later, Chris. | - See you, Brian.
Well, thanks.
- Good night. | - Good night.
The things I do for you.
- What, you didn't like him? | - I don't know.
- What's the problem? | - I'm just not sure he has any heart.
It's a beautiful spring day outside. | Most of you are graduating soon...
...you've got your entire lives ahead of you.
So, let's talk about death.
We all know lung cancer's a killer | in this country.
As is AIDS, leukaemia and diabetes.
How'd I do last night?
Okay, I guess. | She said you don't have enough heart.
Thank you, Mister Campbell.
Heart disease is the correct answer.
Last year alone, over five...
- Make sure you finish Chapter 14. | - It could be worse.
- Grant didn't think you have any stones. | - What? She said that?
You're going to play football | with me and the guys today.
- She'll be there? | - Yeah. She loves it.
I'll make you look great.
Hey, is Ashley okay?
She's different than I expected.
You go out with your dream girl | and you don't like her?
No, it's not that.
Finger suck, good. Vomit shower, bad.
She's nervous. She gets that way | when she really likes somebody.
You gonna play with us today?
- Touch football, right? | - Of course.
Get up man, she's watching.
Time out! I thought you said | this was touch football?
These guys just touch hard.
I am not doing this!
These guys are like some huge | gargantuan experiment gone wrong!
Come on, Grant's loving it.
Get up, man.
I used to play a little ball back in the day.
Back in what day?
- Ready to end this thing, Brian? | - Who the hell's Brian?
Just snap it to Brian. You're following me?
- Ready? | - Break!
That's cheating!
We're here for you, buddy!
Nice game. | Pick me up tomorrow morning at 7:00 a. m.
Well, I've done my part.
Now, let's go get me that heart.
What are we doing here?
Look, she wants heart, we'll give her heart. | You want her to fall for you, right?
Not like this. I mean, these people smell.
- This had better work. | - Trust me. This will work.
What are you doing?
- She's not eating it. | - Maggie's going to be here any second.
If I give her the speech and she digs it, | then what?
Then, I don't know. Try talking to her.
- Tell her how you feel. | - See if she needs a lift home.
All right, I'II think of something.
She's coming! Put that Jell-O down!
Hey, could you maybe...
God! No!
Hey! You work here too?
Yeah. What are you doing here?
I like to come here from time to time...
...to visit with the sickly and old.
You think that's gay?
No, I think it's nice.
Well, that's what I do.
- Who ate my Jell-O? | - Pipe down, you old bag.
- I want my Jell-O. | - Fine!
Brian, give me that Jell-O.
Hey! That's my Jell-O!
Here it comes.
I think it's sweet | that you come here, Chris.
Don't you think it's sweet, Miss Simms?
Just heavenly.
I have to go to the bathroom. | Number two.
You want me to take you to the bathroom?
You want Chris to take you | to the bathroom?
- That would be nice. | - Do you mind?
I was just hoping that she'd ask.
Now, don't drop me.
Well, I guess this room's in good hands.
I should get going.
That is a really nice outfit.
Ride home...
Do you want a ride home?
No, I have stuff to do at the school theatre.
There's a school theatre? Since when?
I mean that's cool. I don't mind.
- I'll meet you downstairs in 15 minutes. | -15 minutes.
The theatre. That's perfect!
Right. Look, nobody better see me there.
Are you in a play or something?
Me? No. I'm not much of a Thespian.
Well, I hope not, I mean...
...I'd really be wasting | my time if you're only into chicks.
Do you like plays?
We got this one, it's Power 41 QB follow.
I fake it off to the halfback. | Then I crush skulls up the middle.
I meant stage plays.
I was just joking.
Where have you been? I'm dying here. | Will you help me out?
Hey Chris.
Let me ask you something. | Why are you so interested in me?
We don't really make sense as a couple, | do we?
Well, yeah...
Sometimes the best things in life | don't make sense.
Sometimes the best things in life | don't make sense.
- Like rainbows. | - Like rainbows.
And flowers that bloom in the winter.
Flowers blooming in the winter.
Besides, I think you can help me to be | a better person, you know?
...I mean, I think you could | help me be a better person, you know?
How do you mean?
- Like, be grateful for what I have. | - Like, be thankful for what I have.
- Show some gratitude. | - Show them some attitude!
- Gratitude! | - Gratitude!
Wow, she's really beautiful.
You're really beautiful.
What'd you say?
Did you say that I look beautiful?
Just like a little flower.
Hasn't anyone ever told you | you're beautiful?
Hasn't anyone ever told you | that you're beautiful?
In a very different way than anyone else.
In a very different way than anyone else.
You know, I should be pissed at you.
- You should be pissed at me? | - For making me fall for Chris.
He's great.
He tries to put on this big jerky act.
Then he has these amazing moments.
- So, he's okay? | - Yeah, he's okay.
I can remember summer nights | when I was younger.
Just lying in bed...
...listening to your father play | the accordion for your mom.
"Melt With You. " It was her favourite.
I can remember feeling | so safe and happy listening to that song.
Just wondering if one day, | someone would be that good to me.
He used to say | he played every note just for her.
This feels so strange.
You know, me and Chris.
You and Ashley.
It's almost like somebody | messed with fate.
I'm going to call it a night.
Hey, Ryan.
He'd be proud of you, your father.
You guys want to check out | my prom date finalists?
Taylor and Cinnamon.
- Escorts! People tell me they're interested. | - You talked to their pimp?
- We prefer "broker. " | - You can't bring hookers to the prom!
- No way, dude. | - I guess not.
- I bet Virgil Doolittle went stag anyways. | - I'm sure he did.
I just had my legs waxed.
And look.
It's new.
Do you like it? Because you know, | I can take it out.
It works.
Oh, my God!
Look at those freaks! | They're staring at me.
- What? | - Go!
- Drive, Brian, please. | - Fine.
- What the hell is that? | - Maybe he didn't see us.
I'm really excited about tonight.
Three more of those and you walk today. | Kind of like me this morning.
Scared of the ball? Miss?
- I'm sorry but you know how it is. | - I guess so.
Get back in the box, you girl!
When you quest for greatness, | victims happen.
Get up, you wuss!
- What are we going to do tonight? | - Dude, let's go bowling.
- Hey, guys. | - What up, new school?
- What's up, ladies? | - Hi, everybody.
Brian, you kicking with these geeks?
Why do you got to call them geeks?
Is anyone doing anything tonight? | Because, I'm free.
Ashley, come on.
I saw them waving at you this morning. | Please.
- These guys? | - These guys.
- No way! | - You're with them right now there, guy.
"With. " We're all with everyone. Right?
So, anyway...
Stu, like I'm saying, this game this week, | it doesn't look that tough...
I thought we'd go shopping. | I'm looking for something short...
All right, look. You guys said it.
They're geeks.
Actually, geeks doesn't even do it.
- Give me a letter of the alphabet, Chris. | - "J."
Jerks, jokes, jackasses.
- Try "P." | - Punks, piss ants!
- "F." | - No, this is not-
- Freaks. | - Fools!
- "D." Dipshit! | - Douche bags!
- Defectives! | - Dickheads!
Oh, my God.
So, I'II see you tonight then?
Floyd, wait up! I'm sorry, okay?
- But I'm this close to getting her. | - That's great.
No, you crossed the line this time. | But I get it.
Ryan, I know you're really into Ashley...
...but at some point it's just not worth it.
- Yes. Is the sea bass smelly? | - It's a fish.
No. You know what I'II have? | I'II have a salad with vinaigrette...
...and a bottle of water, | but only if it comes in a pretty blue bottle.
If not, a Pellegrino, but not in a bottle.
- And for you, sir? | - Some ice.
- Crushed? | - Definitely.
- That's okay. | - Here, here, let Mama rub it.
Good party, Maggie?
Check it out!
Oh my God.
Get used to it, girl.
Sloane, that outfit is great.
I like it too.
Is anyone else home?
No. Just us.
Any idea of what we could do?
I bought some new underwear today.
I thought, | maybe I could model them for you.
They're mostly thongs.
I'm going to take a quick shower, okay?
Yeah, sure. I'll just wait.
Maybe you could join me.
- Get out of here! What did you see? | - Nothing! You said I could join you.
- I wasn't serious! Get out! | - Okay!
Now then, where were we?
Damn! What happened to your feet?
It's just a rash.
It's a crazy world. Anything can happen.
If you shouldn't get away...
I mean ifsomething should keep us apart...
...wherever they put you, | and wherever I'll be, I want you to know.
Kiss me. | Kiss me as ifit were the last time.
I wonder if Maggie | and Chris have done it yet.
Could we not talk about her?
If they haven't, they will.
Then Chris will dump her | like all the others.
We could do this some other time.
Maybe, when you're more up to it.
Casablanca. It works.
What's up? Hey Chris, you got a second?
No, I got to go meet Carter | for some quality time.
- How's she doing? | - Well, she's getting there.
What's that supposed to mean?
You did good, Brian. I got it from here.
Don't worry, Brian. He'll treat her right.
So, what do you think? | For the grade school.
- Can I help? | - No.
Where's Maggie? I thought | you knew each other's every move.
So did I.
You want to play with the puppets?
Not a chance.
- You can change your mind. | - That's okay.
Ash, can we talk for a second? | I got... Thank you.
Excuse me.
This cake is terrible!
You didn't like it?
- It was terrible. | - I'm so sorry, Ashley.
Do I know you?
We go to school together. I'm Miranda.
Good. Can you get me your manager? | Thanks.
I'll just pay for it myself.
- What makes her a loser? | - Nothing. She just is a loser.
- Then what would make her a winner? | - Hello. Nothing.
A tiger can't just change his spots.
Just be glad that you're a winner, like me.
What? She is a fatty round little waitress.
Now, you tell me | what could make her a winner?
- Okay, I'll tell you how. | - Tell me.
- I will. | - Tell me.
I will, if you'd stop your petty, | self-important whining for just one second!
You know what? I can't do this anymore.
Is this because of the cake? | Because I didn't like the cake?
All right, you know what? | I'm sorry. I loved the cake.
Everyone! I loved the cake!
Could you try the cake because...
It's not the cake!
I don't understand why you're upset.
I know you don't, and that's | the goddamn of it! You really don't know.
Then you said so yourself.
A tiger can't change his spots!
I'm scared.
Here's $5 for the cake. | $5 to buy a clue. This is over.
Brian. Brian.
I love you, Brian Ryan.
So, dude, when's the wedding anyway?
Yeah, you picked out your dress yet?
You fags be ready come prom night...
...for the Chris Campbell Nail and Bail.
Nice rhyme. | Did you make it up all by yourself?.
I'll catch you guys later, okay?
- So... | - So, how does this work anyway?
The old "Nail and Bail"?
Like you don't know. I saw Grant | this morning blubbering like a whale.
- So? | - So, you didn't try to sleep with her?
- It wasn't like that. | - You see, it is like that.
No, it isn't. | Because, you never cared about Maggie.
Neither did you.
I cared about her.
Don't look so surprised, partner.
The Nail and Bail has crushed | better chicks than her.
There is not a chance in hell | Maggie sleeps with you!
- She's better than that. | - Maybe she used to be...
...but you stepped in and changed that.
- Didn't you, Brian? | - It's "Ryan" not, "Brian"!
It doesn't really matter, does it?
Get in that box now, Sue-Ann!
- Floyd, have you seen Maggie? | - I'm not talking to you, jack-hole!
Well, what have we got here?
Someone trying on some pants?
You can be pissed at me if you want to. | That's fine.
I deserve it.
Just tell me if you've seen her.
Not since you scared her off, | bird-dogging for sniff.
What is this, some ladies' afternoon tea?
Walk it off!
- What are you doing at my house? | - What happened with you and Ashley?
Is there someone else?
Was it the hair on her back? | Because she is getting that removed!
- That hair. | - Isn't there anything that she can do?
Short of camping on my lawn | and begging profusely, no!
I cut out today and bought it for prom.
What do you think?
I think it's great.
I mean it's...
Do you think Chris will like it?
Are you sure about him? | I mean, are you really sure?
What are you talking about?
I wanted Ashley Grant.
So, I told him what to say to you.
The e-mails, the nursing home.
And he helped me out with Ashley.
I'm sorry, Maggie.
I don't believe you.
When you're alone with him, face to face...
...does he ever say anything clever | or funny or even sincere?
- He's shy. | - No. He's not shy, Maggie!
He's a dumb ass.
In the theatre, I said you were beautiful.
Me. I meant it.
...I have feelings for you.
You're really pathetic. Do you know that?
- Maggie, I- | - No!
I'm sorry if things didn't work out | for you but you think you could...
...just tear me and Chris down | because Ashley broke up with you?
- Maggie, listen- | - No, because honestly...
...I don't even see that guy | you used to be anymore, Ryan.
I see a liar.
If you run your mascara, | it's going to look really bad.
Would one of you whores | please get me a tissue?
- Yeah, you can see her ass. | - It's the twosome.
- They're gonna get it on. | - It's a threesome.
Hey, did you guys hear | the theme for the prom?
- "Titanic Dreams. " | - What?
Those people died.
True. But they have become legends.
Like your idol, Virgil Doolittle.
Take me to the promI
Take me to the promI
Please take me to the prom!
Fine. Just go home!
Thank you!
I want everything tonight | to be as beautiful as you are.
Dinner, prom, the hotel...
Aren't puppies cute?
Get out of here.
I wonder where Ash went tonight.
- Is she not going to prom? | - She's going with Brian.
She was crawling on her knees for him.
Can you blame her though? Brian rocks.
Give me a break.
He's a geek. Tell them, Maggie.
I heard he plays the accordion.
To prom!
Hey, watch the threads.
- I can't believe we don't have dates! | - I do!
You've got a date?
You don't know her. | She's recently divorced.
Sure, Cosmo.
Where are you?
- Would you sign my yearbook? | - $20.
- I'll go get my purse. | - They are so easy.
Let's get our picture taken | before she gets back.
What's going on, hot stuff?. Nice ass, yeah.
Hey ladies, what's going...? | Hey chickie, what's going on?
And thank you.
Next couple, please?
- Our turn. | - You kids next?
All right.
- What's up, Cosmo? | - Hey, Floyd.
Honey, no. That's not Daddy. | Remember, we talked about it?
That's Mommy's date. Okay. All right.
- Floyd, this is my date. | - I'm Floyd. You have a nice rack.
Thank you.
- Hurt yourself?. | - No. Sorry.
Buns of steel, partner. Buns of steel.
Looking good!
People, listen upI
In a few minutes, we will be announcing | the Prom King and Queen.
I guess there will be no King and Queen | of the prom this yearI
I'm going to go check my make-up. | Be right back.
That's great. See if you can find | your face in there, okay?
Don't be a shit to your date, Ryan.
- Come on, let's dance. | - Mom, come on!
Shut up and dance with your mother.
You know, it's getting late.
- You're getting old. It's early yet. | - Is it?
Just a little fatherly advice, kiddo. | It's later than you think.
Gentlemen, the hour is nigh.
- What's "nigh"? | - I don't know. But I got to go find my date.
- No, no. Over here. | - I thought we were going to dance.
We are, we are. | No, we're definitely going to dance.
- What's wrong with you? | - This is bogus!
This sucks!
All these notes are for you, Maggie.
Oh, my God!
We don't care!
What in the...? Woodman!
I christen thee...
...S.S. Titanic!
Woodman! Get your ass off the stage.
Just get off...
Get out of the way!
Go back to the limo. Women | and children first. Go! I'll meet you there.
Oh, my God! This is beautiful.
This is the best prom ever, Dad.
Oh, my God, my dress!
Brian, help me!
What the hell was that?
I'm cold, Rose.
I'm so cold.
I'm sinking. Rose.
It's mayhem!
It's chaos! Nobody saw anything!
- You see anything, Matthews? | - No, sir.
I did!
He's the bastard.
He planned the whole thing himself.
You fink! They'll never take me alive.
- Let's get him! | - Never!
- Get your hands behind your back. | - Textbook take down, huh men?
Make sure you rough me up | in front of the honeys!
Hold up guys.
I got this one.
Thanks, man.
- I heard his father's in prison. | - I heard he slept with the school nurse.
- He's hot! | - He's fine.
Take me to the hotel, driver.
Someone's in a hurry for loving!
...this night is | really important to me, okay?
It's important to me too.
Why don't you lie on the bed | and make yourself more comfortable?
Good idea.
This is it!
On your back, stallion!
Ashley, look. We got all night, right?
Yes, we do.
Why don't you wait here | and I'll go get us some champagne?
- Okay. | - All right.
Forgot something.
Hurry back.
Hey, do they have a jail | out here in the woods?
- Damn, these knots are pretty tight. | - Summer camp.
Oh, God.
Good girls go bad.
This isn't one of those games when you | give me a thirty second head start...
...and then hunt me down, is it?
Don't move.
I'm really slow and not very cunning.
I'm sure you'II have me | in 45 seconds tops.
Have you seen Maggie Carter?
Who knew you were such a freak?
I'm surprised you didn't.
You knew so many other | things about me...
...like my favourite movie.
And my favourite book.
Nine Stories.
By the way...
...which one's your favourite?
Of the nine stories?
The long one.
Sorry, Chris. Wrong answer.
Carter, you're sort of | starting to creep me out here.
- There's just one more question. | - Okay.
How's it feel to be played?
Smile now, prom date.
You know, Chris? | There's one thing you're right about.
What we do tonight is probably | how we'll be remembered.
- Hey Maggie. | - Hey, guys.
- Is that? | - Chris? Yeah.
Tell your friends.
Don't say a word. Just have me.
You do know that people | will be looking for me and...
This is really all Virgil Doolittle's fault.
Sure, I want to be a legend and all, | but hey...
I was just joking around. | Pulling a prank. All right?
You should really think about it.
Your future!
Yeah! Okay, I'll do that!
Thank you.
Maggie, I need to talk to you.
Lying and cheating weren't enough? | Now, you're breaking and entering?
The prince ascends my balcony...
...looks deeply into my eyes | and says, "Ow. "
How romantic.
You didn't let me finish.
That really hurts like hell.
But not near as bad as losing you.
Or knowing that I can't take it back.
I wish I could, Maggie.
You lied to me, Ryan.
You steered me right into that world.
Made me feel like I belonged.
You do belong.
You belong with me.
Talk is cheap, Ryan.
If there's one thing I've learned | from all this, it's that.
If I let you off the hook, | do you know how much you owe me?
I do.
The things I do for you.
Got your neck back for you, Gilmore.