What's the Worst That Could Happen? (2001) Movie Script

I start the bidding
at six hundred. Six fifty?
I have one thousand dollars
in the back. Thank you.
If you're here for the sports
memorabilia auction...
it's next Wednesday.
Oh, well, thank you,
but I'm just here...
to look at
all the colorful pictures.
Well, good for you.
How about this one?
Isn't it exquisite?
Oh, yes, very exquisite.
Yes, it is... for a fake.
A fake?
Yeah. See, it says here,
Lot 702...
Young Girl by Window...
is seventeenth century
Phoenician school.
- But it's not.
- It's not?
See, the shading
on the burnt umber is all wrong.
I'd date this back
at the time...
they was usin' the White House
as a get down spot.
You know, when everybody
was up in there like that.
When certain staff members
were backin' it up.
Sir, with all due respect...
I think you'll find that
the staff here at W. Boyle...
It's a fake, OK?
- I have an eye.
- An eye?
Yes. Just like them glasses
you got on.
I know when got up today,
you put 'em on.
You got in the mirror,
you thought you were stylin'.
You came to work, you know,
get a couple of more sales.
I know you thought they was,
what, $500 Boucherons?
Nah, they knock-offs, darlin'.
Yeah, those are knock-offs.
They're fake, just like
this piece of shit here.
702, Young Girl by the Window.
Next up, Lot 702,
Young Girl by Window...
has been pulled
from the auction.
So we'll move on to Lot 703...
The Hudson River Valley
lake scene.
A fine example of
nineteenth century American art.
You may find it of interest...
that the artist responsible
for this beautiful painting...
was a Boston native
who apprenticed right here...
on our very own
Commonwealth Avenue.
My colleagues and I
here at W. Boyle...
Excuse me.
Here, let me switch with you.
Let me just try to slide by you.
Pardon me.
Please, will you watch it?
All right, that's...
Um, let me try this.
- OK, OK. Slide over. Go.
- This is outrageous.
Like that, see? Got it.
Excuse me. All right.
Deal a meal.
You OK?
Would you mind
just leaving me alone?
Now, if I leave you alone...
you sitting here
on the verge of tears...
how you think
that's gonna make me feel?
You wouldn't understand.
That painting is yours.
You don't want to sell it,
but you have to.
Three fifty.
Give or take a pound.
Five hundred. Five hundred.
Do I have five fifty?
Five fifty I have. Five fifty.
Do I have six hundred?
My father
left me the painting...
and I love it, but I need
the money to pay a hotel bill.
One thousand five hundred.
One thousand five hundred.
Thank you.
- Two thousand.
- I have two thousand dollars.
Two thousand five hundred
I have 2,500. Do I have 3,000?
Two thousand five hundred
going once...
twice... sold.
Paddle number fourteen.
Well, that's that.
What's your name?
Amber Belhaven.
Oh, very pretty name.
Kevin. Kevin Caffrey.
I couldn't buy that painting...
but I can buy you
a cup of coffee.
So after I graduated
I moved here from London
to take this great job...
with a new natural history
website, neanderthal. com.
- What?
- Yeah, I know, I know.
You can figure out the rest.
They went under, so here I am.
So what are you gonna do now?
Get a job.
I'm sure there are
plenty of opportunities...
for a girl with a degree
in anthropology.
OK. Now, anthropology...
that's, like,
the study of man's...
See, I'm glad I read that
in the dictionary...
or I wouldn't know.
So what do you do, Kevin?
I'm a... I'm a businessman.
Yeah. Matter of fact, I was late
for an appointment.
I hope this is not too personal,
but in your hotel room...
do they have one of those
little refrigerators?
And in that refrigerator, do
they have those little bottles?
Yeah, I guess.
when my appointment ends...
would you like me to come by
and check?
See if in fact they do?
Now, you wouldn't try
to sleep with me, would you?
- Why are you blinking?
- Just a little nervous tic.
I tell a lie, I blink.
Oh, that must keep you
very honest.
I'd make a terrible lawyer.
So, can you force yourself
to blink...
blink when
you're telling the truth?
So when you're not blinking...
it means you're definitely
telling the truth...
but when you are blinking,
it means you're either lying...
or it means that you're
forcing yourself to blink...
to make it look like
you're lying.
That's right.
That sounds very complicated.
It's not, really.
So what's up?
Can I see you later?
But you're blinking, too.
You got the same thing
that I got...
and I don't know what you...
She's got it goin' on.
I will find you.
Who is it?
This is for you.
How much did he want
for that painting?
'Cause I'll pay you back
as soon as I get a job.
Well, it, uh...
it didn't cost me anything.
What, you stole it?
That's what I do.
But I thought
you were a businessman.
I am.
I'm in the business of stealing.
that's why I go to auctions...
to learn what's worth stealing.
of all things portable.
I apologize if it's a shock.
Well, I dated a lawyer
for three years...
so ethically speaking,
I've seen a stretch mark or two.
Normally, I don't tell a woman
that on the first date.
Then again, I don't normally
have these feelings.
Me, neither.
You see this ring?
My father gave this to me...
to remind me every day
how much he loved me.
My father believed in fate,
and so do I.
Used to be his lucky ring.
Now it's yours.
Well, how lucky was he?
Well, he was wearing it...
when he won that painting
in a card game.
Now I want something from you.
Name it.
I want you to promise me
that you'll never lie to me.
I've been
in that kind of relationship...
and I'll never do it again.
So no lies, OK?
No lies.
Said without a blink.
Oh, my God,
it's like needles in my eye.
I am too rich to have
a headache like this, Walter.
- You gotta get me out of this!
- G-get you out of this?
OK. I'll just undo
every single shady deal...
you've been a part of
for the last five years.
Sounds good to me!
There are no loopholes
this time.
Bankruptcy is the only option.
Great! Screw it.
Screw everybody.
Just file the goddamn papers.
What's the worst
that could happen?
Bankruptcy, Max.
That's the worst
that could happen.
Poodle cakes, it's only
the real estate company.
This is no big deal.
Tell her, Walter.
This is a...
It's a tech-technical procedure.
Yeah, that's right... a simple
little technical procedure.
It's humiliating, and it'll be
in all of the newspapers.
Maybe my father was right
about my marrying you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
There is no need...
to bring your daddy into this,
sugar lumps.
Walter and I,
we have this all worked out.
Our strategy is planned.
Right, Walter?
Fix it, Max, or else.
There is nothing to worry about,
snuggle bunny.
These things have a tendency...
to work themselves out
in the end.
They always do. Come on.
Come on, give me little kisses.
Come on, let me see 'em.
Let me see the lippies.
That's it. Wanna go to lunch?
Let's go. Come on.
Let's go.
We'll eat. We'll drink.
We'll forget all this crap.
R-e-s-p... you know the rest.
That's what's missing.
Nobody respect anything now.
Nobody respect your work,
nobody respect your elders.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Nod your head, man,
if you're awake.
Yeah, respect. I hear you.
If I want to talk to myself,
I'll leave myself a voice mail.
I know that good-Iookin'
young man right there, baby.
I know that smile anywhere.
What you got
for good old Uncle Jack?
Uh, nothin'.
I just came by to see Amber.
- Where is she?
- She's workin'.
She loves to work.
She the best damn waitress
I ever hired.
All perky and shit.
You'd like her,
you get to know her.
How I'm gonna get to know her,
speakin' that foreign language?
I know all I need to know.
You ain't pulled a damn job
since she moved in with you.
Look, Uncle Jack,
I can talk to you.
- You sure can.
- I can talk to you, right?
That's doggone right.
- All right, I think...
- What?
- I know...
- OK.
- I love her.
- No, no.
Son, son, she wrong for you.
She too decent.
Whatever happened to Sharon,
that nice con girl from Chicago?
- Two years upstate.
- For what?
- For conning people.
- No.
Yeah. But, see, with Sharon,
it was just sex.
- That's good.
- But with Amber...
- Well, it's still sex.
- That's good.
- But we talk.
- Talk?
Yes. It's so amazing to wake up
with someone and just talk.
Talk? You ain't Oprah.
Hey, honey bun, how are you?
- Mmm. How ya doin'?
- All perky and shit.
Hey, look what the cat drug in.
Hey, something cold
and Bavarian, barkeep.
- You got it, buddy.
- Berger.
- Hey, what's up, Kevin dog?
- What's up?
Everything's sweet now.
Hey, to all the women I loved
and who loved me back. Salud.
You better not let Anne Marie
hear you talkin' that shit.
Aw, don't worry, man.
She'll nev...
It's Anne Marie.
What, does she have radar?
Berger, best thing
that ever happened to me.
Pleasure to meet you, Berger.
And any friend of Kevin's
probably works nights.
I gotta get back to work myself.
See you later.
- It's a delight and a pleasure.
- Sooner than later.
Nice ass.
Hey, man, what did I just say?
I'm sorry, dog.
I didn't know you meant it.
Come on, most of the girls
you go out with are, you know...
Yeah, well,
this one's different.
She got a degree
in anthropology.
I'll remember that if I ever
need to phone a friend, OK?
- Do that.
- Hey, Kevin, I got one.
- What?
- Tonight.
Big score. Safe as houses.
Safe as houses?
A paradox, as they say.
Yes. In fact,
it is a house of which I speak.
- Well, talk to me.
- You ever read the papers?
I used to,
but the news kept changin'.
- Ever hear of Max Fairbanks?
- The big tycoon?
Hey, this better be good.
Oh, you're gonna love this, man.
Check it out.
Come on.
I want you to read that.
"Billionaire Max Fairbanks
today put Trigram real estate...
"a division of T.U.I.,
into Chapter 11."
The man's broke,
and we gonna rob him?
Oh, don't cry for him,
This man would steal your moms
if he wanted corn bread.
This is one of those
legal heists.
Big business... that's where
they really teach you to steal.
No heavy lifting.
Do it while you're on vacation.
And brothers like us
don't even have a dental plan.
Come on, read on.
"Under the terms
of the Chapter 11 agreement...
"Fairbanks no longer has access
to various properties...
"including West Chop...
"his Marblehead
beach-front residence."
The man can't even
get in his own house?
- Always makes me laugh.
- The old upstairs hall light.
Why don't they just
hang out a sign...
"Welcome, burglars.
No one home."
- Here.
- Damn, these are nice.
Aren't they, man?
I know a lot of guys who
switched to rubber surgicals...
but for comfort and feel,
you can't beat the Isotoner.
First class, my man.
First class all the way.
Coming from you,
that means a lot. Serious.
It's all good. Let's do this.
Oh, come on, Max.
You never let me do it.
I'm not done. I have more.
God, I can't believe you.
Max, will you please
listen to me?
I love the costume.
I'm naked.
Oh, a joke.
Yeah, a joke.
Ah, baby. I did it. I did it.
What do you say?
What do you say?
Can we please get back to what
we were talking about before?
Oh, that. Look...
I think you'd make
a wonderful...
entertainment journalist,
Tracey. Tracey Kimberly.
I'm just not sure
I want to talk about it...
at this precise moment.
You know, I knew you'd say that
once we did it...
Don't say
what you're about to say.
Don't turn
a perfectly fun evening...
into something cheap and sordid
by talking business.
Here comes the little finger man
coming to get you, hmm?
Wow, check that out.
Ooh, look at that.
- Faberge.
- Oh, baby.
Gold enamel, diamond inlay.
Oh, yeah, I have it now.
Yeah, baby.
And I got the score, baby.
Is that not the score
or what, huh?
Fun, too.
Like an Easter egg hunt.
You want to hop upstairs,
and I'll just work this floor?
You called it. You called it.
All right. You wanna do it?
Let's do it. Here we go.
- Really?
- Yeah, sure.
Go. Ready? We're gonna do it.
Five, four, three, two...
Titanic heartthrob
Leonardo DiCaprio...
told me, Tracey Kimberly, in
an exclusive E.T. interview...
that he is currently
in negotiations...
to do a sequel
to the summer blockbuster...
which will be entitled
Titanic 2.
What is it...
the story of a dead guy
on the bottom of the ocean?
Well, lookie here.
Tuesday, Wednesday...
Every day of the week.
- What?
- Shh. Quiet. I hear somebody.
Oh, yeah. Now we're stylin'.
Berger, a tan suede newbuck.
Yeah, I like a thick sole
with a tailored suit.
Grounds it,
know what I'm sayin'?
I do.
- Oh, gosh.
- That's why I bought them.
come on, get out of here.
What do you think this is,
a photo shoot?
But I want to see
what's going on.
What does it look like
is going on?
The guy's robbing the house.
I got a gun on him.
Go on back in there.
Put your clothes on.
Damn. You must be rich.
That's right.
Eat your heart out.
Look, you caught me,
fair and square.
But how about
I walk out of here...
nothing taken, nothing harmed?
How does that sound?
You stay right where you are,
or I shoot you in the head.
- How's that sound?
- Violent.
But I see your point.
- So, he wasn't carrying a gun?
- No, sir.
- No I.D.?
- Nothin'.
- What's your name, bro?
- Petey Wonder.
I'm Stevie's little brother...
but I don't sing.
You know who I am?
You got a lot of balls, huh?
You come into my house,
into my bedroom...
and take my ring.
- What?
- That's my ring.
Stop trippin', all right?
This is my ring.
Ha! Son of a bitch! He was gonna
waltz out of here...
with my ring
on his little finger.
Take off the ring,
give it to Mr. Fairbanks.
- Officer, this is my ring.
- Sure. Give him the ring.
Look, my girlfriend
gave me the ring.
If I don't come home
with my ring...
Give me the ring. Give me it.
This is my ring.
You expect us to believe that?
I can go along
with some things, but...
some things make no damn sense.
- Let go of the damn ring.
- This ain't right.
Write a letter to the editor.
Oop. I forgot.
I own the newspapers.
We'll take care of everything.
Get him out of here.
Don't you worry,
Mr. Fairbanks.
This is a good ring.
This is a very nice ring.
All right, just hear me out, OK?
One more time.
I just feel if we were
to go back, you know...
and, uh, give him
a chance to confess...
you know, come clean...
he might just hand over what is
in fact my rightful property.
I could see how that sounds
all messed up, right?
Comin' out of my mouth.
But it's the truth.
Can I see my lawyer?
with the robbery suspect...
at Twenty-five Harbor Heights,
what's your twenty?
Yeah. That's it, 10-4. We're on
the corner of Camden and 4th...
en route to the station
with the perp in custody.
What? Hey! Hey, you! Stop!
Shit! What's going on?
That son of a bitch!
Nothing. Clear. Let's go.
I want my damn ring!
You don't know what you started.
I'll take door number three.
Gotta go!
Hello, honey bun.
How was your day?
What's the matter?
Well, was it bad?
Go on.
I lost the ring.
Oh, Kevin,
I just gave you the ring.
Well, actually, it's worse
than that. The ring was stolen.
Stolen by who?
Of all the lousy, jerkological,
cheap-shot stickups...
this has gotta take the cake.
- You got that right.
- Robbed by a householder...
doing a robbery.
Terrible, Kevin, terrible.
- You laughing at me?
- Hell, yeah, I'm laughing.
It's embarrassing. You should be
ashamed of yourself.
Sixteen thousand.
What's in that cigar
you're smoking, huh?
Come on, the Faberg egg alone...
Nice. Don't want it.
It's hard to move.
- Can't move it.
- The damn car, OK?
It's worth...
OK, I'll give you six and a half
for the car.
Round it off to twenty-one five.
That's because
I raised you as my own...
and I'm happy to see you
back in the business.
- Sixteen.
- Sixteen.
- Plus six and a half.
- Half, right.
- Is twenty-one five?
- Man, look. Six...
Twenty-one, fifteen, twenty...
Don't worry about it.
Look here, it's late, all right?
I wanted to see
if you're on your game...
so I took a shot at you.
That's all I did.
I just feel like I'm getting
robbed by everybody tonight.
Come on, Kevin,
it's not that bad.
Why are you so upset?
Why am I so upset?
Baby, let me show you something.
You see this?
This is a Faberg egg...
Russian, 1890.
Now, some people get all freaked
and obsessed by these.
It's what it represents.
Power, taste, superiority.
That's all in the mind...
of the person
who puts a price on it.
What's it mean to me?
Not a damn thing.
Too hard to fence.
Now, the ring,
on the other hand...
is priceless.
It symbolizes
the day my life changed...
the day I met you.
Let's go, Monty.
Let's see what you got.
Ooh, bull's-eye!
Game, set, match.
Do we have a problem?
No. You have a problem...
from which I,
your long suffering attorney...
will once again
try to extricate you.
- So?
- So...
there was a break-in last night.
Oh, no. You're kidding.
Hmm. Did they get much?
A hundred fifty thousand dollars
in valuables, plus a car.
That's right, Max. He went back.
- Son of a bitch.
- Sir!
Shut up.
Does Lutetia
know about the, uh...
About the young lady?
So far not.
You've got bigger problems, Max.
The bankruptcy judge
is furious...
you disobeyed his order
not to use the house.
Can't you use a seedy motel,
like a normal philanderer?
What's so funny?
I was thinking
about the robbery.
Something funny
about the robbery?
Yeah, yeah, Walter, there is.
You think that shit's funny?
He boosted your ring
right in front of the cops?
Come on, you got to see
the humor in it, please.
I don't.
I don't see the humor.
I robbed a thief. How could you
not see the humor in that?
Because it's not funny.
It's more than just funny,
Walter. It's fate.
Take a look at this symbol.
It's my company logo
from the I Ching.
Omens, signs, throwing bones...
I don't throw bones, Walter,
but I do throw coins.
And I've been using the I Ching
for twenty years...
and look where it's got me.
This ring...
is a sign.
is gonna be just fine...
as long as I hold on
to this lucky ring.
Don't worry.
We'll get your ring back.
- Fairbanks is big game.
- Right.
We need a big game hunter.
Shelly Nix.
Shut the fuck up, man.
Thank you.
What the fuck's
the matter with you?
Can you find this asshole
or not?
Piece of cake.
It's no harder than shutting
down A.O.L. for an hour.
Not that I'd have any interest.
All right. Check it out, y'all.
Usually, when you're trying
to track somebody down...
what you want to do is start
with airline computers...
car rental companies, big hotel
chains, stuff like that.
This guy's a high roller.
He's got his own personal jet...
so it's nothing
but private limos...
and corporate hotel suites
from there on out.
How do you find him?
He's got a personal assistant
right here in Boston.
She e-mails his itineraries,
his schedules.
She practically knows
every detail of this guy's life.
Her name is Gloria.
The ring I told you about...
I'm more convinced than ever
it's major mojo.
You know...
I wouldn't tell
anybody else this but you.
What, my musky teddy bear?
Tell mama.
You can tell mama bear anything.
Mama bear don't care.
Gloria, stop it.
We've discussed this already.
Screw you, Max.
Promises were made.
- Gloria.
- Never mind.
The past is the past.
What can I do for you, sir?
I was saying I was beginning
to go into one of my dips.
I was feeling
fear and anxiety and...
But this ring is like a sign
everything's turning around.
I was just wondering if,
you know, you could confirm...
All right, Max. All right.
Nine in the second place.
Tread a level course.
The perseverance of a dark man
brings good fortune.
Judgment, treading upon
the tale of the tiger...
it does not bite man.
What did the Boston Herald
just call me?
"The dark prince of plunder."
Perseverance of the dark man...
that's me.
Well, maybe.
Treading on the tiger's tale.
Taking mad chances
and getting away with it.
Like that time we were
in the elevator at T.U.I.?
Focus, Gloria, focus.
Let me consult my cards.
Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.
I will, Max.
It takes a little time.
What? What? Gloria, what?
- Max, I'm losing you.
- Gloria, what?
You're cutting out.
I can't hear you.
I hope you got the e-mail that
Lutetia wants you to call her.
Lutetia? What does she want?
Lutetia? What does she want?
The only person he's afraid of
is his wife Lutetia.
Here she is...
Design Times, June '98.
Beacon Hill townhouse
of Max and Lutetia Fairbanks.
Damn. Lutetia
looks more like Morticia.
What the hell were you doing
at the beach house...
and who the hell
were you doing it with?
Scandal and disease, Max.
These are the deal-breakers.
I'm a monk.
Just because
you have the hairstyle...
doesn't mean
you lead the lifestyle.
And take off your shoes...
the white carpet.
Oh. Tell me again.
Why did I marry you?
Because I grew up
on Beacon Hill...
which gave you entre
to wealthy family friends...
who could invest
in all your business ventures.
And you had a great ass.
Oh. Have a great ass.
Don't forget.
Picker is hosting
the botanical garden benefit...
at the Sheraton Boston tonight
honoring me.
I'd like to pay tribute
right now.
Come over here.
Six o'clock sharp.
Picker hates it
when you're late.
Picker first, pecker later.
Boy, I need a massage.
Ah, hold up, hold up.
E-mail from Gloria...
benefit tonight at the Sheraton
Boston with his wife. Nice.
Let the games begin.
Ha ha. Yeah, Kevin.
Hell, yeah, baby.
Very hip, very cool.
Very Vegas in the sixties.
But how about you come over here
and we mess it up a little bit?
Let me entertain you first.
Give me dollars,
give me dollars.
Put 'em here.
Twenties go here...
hundreds go here.
During her eight years...
of involvement
with the botanical garden...
she has impressed us all with
her generosity and enthusiasm.
Evening. Evening.
Evening, sir.
Lutetia Fairbanks.
What's happening,
birdie, birdie?
You a talking bird?
Say, "Max, that's your ass."
Ooh, I'm sorry. Ladies!
Where have y'all been?
Lookin' good.
You know, I haven't seen y'all
since my polo accident.
Who does your eyes?
Yeah, yeah. Look at y'all.
Mucho elegant.
Thank you.
And thank you all
for coming tonight...
and for
your ongoing commitment...
to the Boston
Botanical Foundation.
We have all sorts
of exciting plans lined up...
none of which would be possible
without your generosity...
Let me ask you something.
Is that Mrs. Fairbanks up there?
Their tireless team
of volunteers...
'Cause I'm confused.
I thought Mrs. Fairbanks...
was a young brunette
with, like, big soapy titties.
You're here to blackmail me?
Be cool.
I'm just here
to get back my ring, OK?
That's my lucky ring,
and I want it back.
No, it's not,
because now it's my lucky ring.
Spoils of war.
It means something to me.
Well, it means something
to me, too...
because I took it
off a little pissant...
who broke into my house...
while I was trying to nail
Miss September.
That was Miss September?
Yeah, it was Miss September.
Oh, damn. I got that issue.
So how rich are you?
You know...
it's guys like you
think you can just...
take whatever you want,
don't you?
- Guys like me?
- Yeah.
Who's the thief here?
I want my damn ring.
Well, you can't have
your damn ring.
You're gonna regret this.
Excuse me.
Total stranger.
Trs bizarre.
Are you gonna eat that?
I'm telling you, man.
When... when word gets out...
is gonna be laughing at me.
That's it.
His ass is going down.
- Take him down, man.
- Millionaire, billionaire.
It don't even matter.
He's out the game.
When I see him, what's up?
Pow! Boom!
But you know what?
That's just the start.
Guess where else I'm going.
I'm gonna do the ghetto smack.
- Oh, the ghetto smack.
- What's the ghetto smack?
Well, you hit him with anything.
Drum set, bam!
Piano, pow!
Stop it!
Sorry to break up the party...
but I thought you were trying
to get the ring back for me.
Yeah, baby. That's right.
Kevin, are you blinking?
No. What it was, right...
I had something in my eye.
See, probably right here.
- See?
- I think I got it for you.
Oh, yeah, it's gone.
Do me a favor.
Keep out of trouble, will you?
No doubt.
Baby letting you know
when something in your eye.
- What you got?
- Check it out.
He and his wife are going
to some cocktail party...
ending by 8:00,
home by about 8:30.
Yeah, we'll be there
waiting for him.
Take the ring right off
his finger in his own home.
And before that?
A complete removal
of all things portable.
I'm sure we can work this out,
Judge Callahan...
if you just look
in your file there.
You have a sworn statement
from my client...
stating that he only went back
to the house in question...
to pick up
some very important stuff.
Very important stuff.
I have a good idea
what he picked up there.
Oh, you do, do you?
You don't think the rules apply
to you, do you, Mr. Fairbanks?
What's he talking about?
All right, all right, all right,
that's enough.
Since you defied my order...
not to enter
the Marblehead beach house...
I have a good mind to reopen...
the entire Chapter 11
bankruptcy proceeding.
You know, you weren't so cocky
when you came to me...
with your hand out
asking me for money.
What did you say, Mr. Fairbanks?
You think I forgot how much
it cost me to get you elected...
by spreading stories...
about your opponent's
sexual preferences?
Oh, get some money.
I fork over, and what do you do?
You sit there
like a big, fat blob!
- Sell the house!
- Up yours, you fat pig!
And all the contents
at public auction.
Max, what did you get
so crazy for?
I'll tell you. He forgot
who the hell he paid off.
It was the other judge.
I told you.
Tread a level course.
You don't listen to me anymore.
So I forgot
we backed the other mutt.
Boy, this guy holds a grudge.
Max, you get one final visit...
to gather and remove
any personal effects.
- One final visit?
- Yep.
Max, I could come along
if you need some help.
Thanks just the same.
Dial Miss September.
Everything's gonna be fine.
The car will be here any second.
we'll go to Missy's party,
and we'll leave early.
- Right.
- Don't be so down, Maxie.
We still have
an awful lot of houses left.
Move your ass, Berger.
Don't start dragging on me.
- I got a bad feeling, Kevin.
- Come on.
Something's not right, man,
I'm telling you.
The only thing's not right
is you run out on me again, OK?
- I'm talking violence.
- I'm not leaving you, baby.
You can't get rid of me, man.
We're partners.
We're like Shaq and Kobe.
We're like Pippen and Jordan.
We're like
Rodgers and Hammerstein.
Ann Marie's been making me go
to theater lately.
- OK, I'm on the alarm.
- All right, good.
Alarm disabled.
And we're in.
Yeah, baby.
This is right out
of a Hitchcock movie.
I'm getting vertigo.
What's on your mind, Max?
Tell me.
Oh, it's that bum of a judge.
He's allowing me
one last visit to Marblehead...
to collect my belongings.
I thought maybe after the party,
I'd drop you off home...
and I'd go on out
for one last overnight.
You know what?
You've been through a lot today.
Let's forget about the party.
You go get your things.
Nobody knows me like you,
All right.
OK, sounds good.
I'll just throw a few things
in an overnight bag.
- That's them, man.
- I'll come with you.
In the elevator.
What the hell
are they doing back?
I don't know.
And then on to the beach house.
But... but, uh...
You know, there's no sense in
both of us going to the beach.
I insist.
That's the whole point...
It's been discussed. I'm going.
They're gone.
You don't even like
the beach house.
It's so suburban.
You are in a fragile state.
I can't bear to think of you
out there all alone.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
l... Give me a minute.
- Where the hell did they go?
- I don't know.
Dial Miss September.
Dial Miss September!
Tracey, forget about tonight.
Let's go, Max!
They're up there.
Come on, move it.
Hold it.
Sounds like there are voices
coming from the wall.
- Yeah, I don't get it.
- Stop. I'm going.
It's not too late
to change your mind.
Stop it. I insist.
Quick, the alarm.
We gotta hurry.
Engage in three, two, one...
Move one inch, and we're done.
There are motion detectors
Tell me about it, Berger.
Help me.
You sound like The Fly.
I'm sorry.
- I gotta call Windham.
- Hurry!
Shut up! Just shut up!
I'm telling you right now,
the brakes are shot!
Shut up, will you?
You are making me nervous.
You were born nervous, and
you're making me more nervous.
- Could you please?
- That rabbit is brand-new!
I can't be spending my time
running around getting...
Will you quiet down? I'm trying
to break in to this place.
How dare you drive that fast
when we got kids in the car.
Don't yell. I was barely
going over the speed limit.
Where the hell is he?
I can't hold on much longer.
I feel that way, too...
'cause my legs are dead.
I can't feel my ankles...
my knees...
Uh, my calf is swollen.
Kevin, I know this is not
the time to tell you this...
but I didn't have to pee
until right now.
Let it go, man. I won't tell.
That's what you said last time.
Why is it every time Kevin calls
we gotta drop everything...
but anytime I call,
you pretend you can't hear me?
Maybe because I like Kevin.
You take that back, or you'll
never saw me in half again.
We want ice cream!
You kids want to disappear?
I can make that happen!
Do not upset your father,
you get it?
I can never find
the right damn key.
Say thank you.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Yo, I need your help, man.
This bag is too damn heavy.
I need your help, man.
I'm trying to help myself.
I can't even move my neck.
Oh, man,
this thing's unbelievable.
- I got the numbers, honey.
- I got the lock.
You're the wind
beneath my wings.
Alarm disabled.
Security disarmed.
OK, she's fixed.
I can't feel my ass.
Yeah, can you believe it?
Me and Edwina together...
ten years this September.
Yeah, ten's a big number.
We're gonna have
a big anniversary party.
We hope you can make it.
There's gonna be...
- Come on!
- Shut up!
Sure. I should be walking again
by September.
I can't believe
it lasted ten years.
I couldn't even last
ten minutes with her.
Damn, this is nice stuff.
First quality, top drawer.
I can do one of two things.
I can give you
two hundred grand cash now...
or, if you're willing
to trust me...
I could pretty much guarantee
that I can fence...
most of the valuable stuff
for a much larger figure...
and square up
with you guys later.
It's totally up to you.
We'll take the cash.
Still no luck.
Total failure.
About sixty Gs.
Oh, I got something for you.
I knew it was
your favorite color.
It's beautiful.
Oh, my God!
Where is my painting?
- Gone.
- I can't believe...
Who would do something
like this?
That sneak thief.
Don't look down.
Oh, hey, get some water,
and shut that damn dog up
before I do.
Park it there, OK.
All right. Oh, sweetheart.
Oh, baby. Oh, sweetie.
Here you are.
Oh, thank you, Gloria.
Here you go.
I need a cigar. Give me my...
Where are my goddamn cigars?
Perhaps the thieves
also smoke cigars.
It's become so common,
hasn't it?
Who the hell are you?
Detective Alex Tardio...
nineteenth precinct... robbery.
That's a...
Here, pumpkin, pumpkin.
I love dogs. I have three
Bichon Frise myself.
I love Bichon Frise.
Lovely, fluffy little...
Come on.
So, how can I help you?
Help me?
I'm here to help you.
Why don't you take it upstairs,
Hey, listen, uh...
You and your wife
went away together...
to your beach house
just for the one night?
Yeah, that's right.
We're giving it up.
Selling it. I suppose
we were saying good-bye.
We're sentimental.
You know how it is.
I'm a renter.
Why are you selling the house?
It's part of a court
settlement... technical procedure.
- Bankruptcy?
- Technical procedure.
So, let's see.
When did you and your wife...
decide to make this sentimental
journey out to your beach house?
Last night.
We were on our way
to a cocktail party.
- Missy Davidson's party, right?
- Pretty thorough, huh?
That's why I get the big bucks.
Wasn't there something else
that happened...
out at your beach house
Something else?
A robbery.
Wasn't there a robbery there?
Yeah, yeah. That's...
Yeah, it was a robbery.
l... Well, in all this,
I completely forgot.
Weren't you there? In fact,
weren't you there with...
That was perfectly innocent.
You were there with the burglar,
and it was perfectly innocent?
The burglar, yeah.
I was there with the burglar.
Just me and the burglar.
Scandal and disease, Max.
OK, so,
I read the police report...
and it's all very confusing.
Yes, and they're both
burglaries, aren't they?
You think maybe
it was the same guy?
- I didn't say that, you did.
- Then what are you saying?
Oh, I see
all sorts of scenarios.
That was a good place
for a picture.
Like there's a house
full of valuable objects...
out at the beach that
you're not supposed to be in...
but you are,
and a burglary occurs.
And then you talk your wife
into leaving this house...
for sentimental reasons...
and when the coast is clear,
it happens again.
Are you suggesting
that I hired a thief...
to burglarize my house...
so I could collect
the insurance money?
I'm not suggesting anything.
You asked for scenarios.
You're the one
that keeps saying things.
Watch it, Mister Detective.
You come into my house
and accuse me of things?
You think I need
the insurance money?
I could buy and sell
a thousand of you.
Here, come on, baby.
The Yorkie
is an independent dog...
but a devoted companion.
And despite his small size...
he is more than willing to act
as a guardian for his master.
Buy and sell a thousand of me?
Just out of curiosity...
how much would you get
for someone like me?
You know, wholesale like that.
I can't tell
if you're trying to trap me...
or you're looking for a bribe.
What the hell was that?
All right, boys,
let's take a good look around.
Dial Earl.
Earl Radburn,
head of security, T.U.I.
It's Fairbanks.
We got a situation here.
Yes, sir, Mr. Fairbanks.
I'll be there at 1400.
Speak English, Earl.
It's like 2:00, 2:30
at the latest.
All right. Move your fat ass.
What a fruitcake.
$2,500 for a skirt?
What, are you insane?
That's daylight robbery.
It's like I always say, Kevin.
Everybody's in on the game
in their own way. Am I right?
- Sure, you're right.
- See? See? Listen to that.
At least
we're up front about it, OK?
These guys
invite you to Paris...
turn out some 14-year-old models
who look like boys...
I mean,
who am I to judge, right?
Pretty soon you're light
a couple hundred Gs...
flyin' back to Dallas
to your big-assed wife...
Hey, you leave my ass
out of this one.
I was talking about
a hypothetical ass.
See why I married him?
Yo, yo, yo.
I got information on your boy.
Fairbanks has to be
in Washington on Wednesday.
He's appearing before
some Senate subcommittee.
Something about owning
too many television stations...
in certain key markets.
It's just a formality, because
from what I can gather...
he's gonna grease up
the bums on the subcommittee...
before he even gets there.
See? It's just like I said.
Everybody's in on the game.
Then we go to Washington.
Where's he staying?
Homeboy keeps a crib
across from the Watergate.
Hold on. I'm coming.
Oh, no.
No, you're not coming.
Ann Marie, we're going.
We should go to Washington.
You're absolutely right.
Please stay out of this.
Baby stay out of it. Thank you.
You know what? Bottom line...
you're not going.
So nice you could get away
for a couple of days, boo.
Very sweet of you
to insist, boo.
Well, we're all here...
Fred, Ethel, Lucy, and Ricky...
the Mertzes and Ricardos
go to Washington.
Lucy, don' do that to me!
Stress. That's the killer.
You can't think straight.
You get all tight and confused.
That is as low
as I'm gonna go...
until you make
a commitment, Max.
You knew I was married...
when we started
this relationship, Tracey.
I meant a commitment
to getting me an audition...
with Entertainment Tonight.
Oh, that.
Well, let me be perfectly clear
about that.
You have no talent.
What the hell
did you do that for?
- You have no respect.
- Well, why should I respect you?
Oh, my head's ringing. Oh, oh!
My whole head is ringing.
Massaging you
is like kneading dough...
and as for the sex,
let me be honest.
It was like sleeping
with a damp sheep.
She's just upset
because I'm dumping her.
Eleven more months
where she came from, sir.
What I want to know, Earl...
is what are you doing
about this schmeggege...
keeps breaking into my houses?
I have my people
working on it...
people you don't need
to know about...
and if they could find
a certain blue dress...
and they by God did, they can
find this weasel like that.
Max, why not just give back
the goddamn ring?
We've got bigger fish to fry.
It's not your ring.
- It's not mine?
- No, it's not your ring.
You stole it. Give it back.
This wacko breaks into my house
and tries to steal my stuff...
and this isn't my ring, Walter?
Spoils of war.
Spoils of war.
Right. Goddamn right, Earl.
Max, you've got
a lot of business...
in gray areas at the moment.
You're letting a small-timer...
distract you
from the bigger picture.
Sometimes you have to give back
a little to get a lot.
It ain't gonna happen, Walter.
It is not gonna happen.
I want to go home!
What does this look like,
a taxi?
Dial Lutetia.
Ah! Now we're in business.
To hell with the monuments.
Here we go. Savvy shopping
in the nation's capital.
We're gonna go to Georgetown.
You're gonna freak out.
Oh, man, it's a bad angle.
I can't get a clear look
at his place from here.
So, hey, how are you guys
gonna get past the doorman?
Nothin' fancy.
Just stroll right in
like we own the place.
Welcome to Potomac House.
Our apartments
on the east side...
have magnificent views
of the capitol.
Our penthouse suites
are five thousand square feet...
and have three hundred and sixty
degree vistas...
but, of course, there...
we're talking about
quite a bit of money.
Salaam. Salaam. Kuwait.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I most humbly apologize.
However, there seems
to be a confusion...
because the prince
would like to know...
how much
for the entire building.
Wait. Let me see is correct.
- Hassim yassi.
- Correct.
I'm not sure that's possible.
Get up! Oh, maladar! Ah-kleck!
Salaam, salaam, salaam.
He say, "For right amount...
camel can dance up pyramid."
It loses something
in translation.
Why don't you take the elevator
up to the penthouse suite...
and I'll gather
some of my people together...
and meet you up there.
Make yourselves at home.
It may be your home.
Give her big bug, beef jerky?
Mine, all mine.
He say
he would like to hump you...
but we are
on a very tight schedule.
Salaam aleichem.
Come on, Berger.
Is anybody home?
What are you looking at?
Nothing. You just look great
in a tablecloth, man.
Not a lot of people
could pull it off.
I mean, look at Arafat.
I mean, look at me.
I look like
I should be driving a cab.
So this is Max's D.C. pad, huh?
Maxie? Maxie waxie?
Your friends are here.
- Watch your step, sir.
- Whoa! I'm all right.
We'll meet back at my place
to prep for the hearing.
All right, Max.
Earl, you call me the minute
you hear anything, you got it?
On it.
Wonder where lard-ass is.
Hello? Are you there?
Max, it's Gloria.
Pick up, Max.
We're in the clear.
It's the phone.
Are you there?
Well, I just wanted to let you
know the money is in your desk.
I mean, the contributions
for the senators.
You may want to call me
for a reading with the cards.
It's a PAC,
just like Shelly said.
You still need me for the cards,
don't you, baby?
So sad.
The marrying maiden.
What the hell's
that got to do with me?
The ring.
The thief.
The castle.
The thief is in the castle.
Dial Earl.
Got it. Here they are.
Look at that.
See, you can't outright
just bribe these senators.
You gotta give the money
to these PACs.
PACs. I don't know.
It stands for something.
Why don't you just save it
for the senators?
- Wait. Wait, wait.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, what?
Earl, he's in my place.
He's at my apartment.
Get the cops
and meet me over there.
I'm going up the back way.
Welcome back, Mr. Fairbanks.
"...this, and eat shit.
Love, Max."
A hundred and fifteen thousand
dollars cash.
- The greatest crime.
- Maybe we should go, huh?
What, and leave the ring?
- Welcome back, Mr. Radburn.
- Not now.
- Come on, let's go. Come on.
- Stop worrying, OK?
I gotta get this ring.
That's easy for you to say.
You don't have a prison record.
I got some good undershirts,
didn't I?
Oh, my God. Kevin.
I told you,
let's get out of here.
- I knew this was gonna happen.
- Berger's got his pager.
God, I'm hard.
Earl Radburn,
head of security, T.U.I.
Come on, let's go out the back.
It's me, you idiot.
but they went out the back!
I came up the back. Moron.
Oh, my goodness.
Well, you have to hold it in.
- Let's get the hell out of here!
- Going out the back, huh?
I'm gonna call the cell phone.
Come on. We got the money.
Let's go, let's go.
You really need help, man,
I'm telling you.
Aah! Oh, you got me!
- Berger, what's going on?
- Take a good look at me, huh?
It's kind of hard to describe.
Look, I gotta go.
Talk to me!
Yeah, look at you,
falling all over yourself. Ah!
You brought it... Aah!
Look at you! Oh!
The wrong damn ring?
I got the wrong finger, OK?
His damn wedding ring.
Baby, say something.
You ain't said a word to me
since we left Washington.
Can I get some convo?
OK. I have never been so scared
in my whole life.
All right, now, calm down, OK?
I know it was sort of unusual.
Oh, come on, Kevin.
There were guns.
There were cops.
Well, it's really not that bad
when you're in the middle of it.
You know, your adrenaline
gets to pumping so hard...
you really don't think about...
- The consequences?
- Yeah, yeah, the consequences.
Kevin, this has got to stop.
You don't need to prove
that you love me.
I know you do...
and I don't care about that
stupid ring, do you hear me?
I just want you.
Well, then, don't worry.
You got me.
So you'll forget
about the ring, then?
I'll forget about the ring.
It's forgotten.
Excuse me!
Hey, what's up, girls?
How you doin'?
Yo, Jack. It's after 7:00.
You seen your nephew
by the name of Kevin?
No. What your rappin' ass
want with him?
Later, man.
Son of a bitch crazy.
- That's twice you ran out on me.
- I know, but I'm sor...
Oh, it was funny how you never
cramp up when you gotta run.
Kevin, I got low potassium, man.
When I don't eat my bananas...
I cramp up, dog. You know that.
Come on, man.
Wait. What are you gonna do
with that doughnut?
Oh, you want this?
Run get that.
Yo, Kev,
thanks for the breakfast, man.
- Here. You got that?
- No doubt.
Hey, come on. Let's see it.
Let's see it, man.
All right, cool.
Bam! Done!
See? I came through, man.
If it wasn't for me...
That's what so great
about this country.
We're hand in hand,
going forward into the future.
That's the way it is.
It's give and take...
and that's the way we feel
at T.U.I.
You make a compelling point,
Mr. Fairbanks. Please continue.
Thank you, senator.
As I was saying...
restrictive monopoly laws...
are choking communications
companies like mine.
If T.U.I. can dominate a market,
why hold us back?
T.U.I. provides employment...
which in turn provides
tax revenues...
in large markets
and in small alike.
I contend that the laws
that limit ownership...
of television stations by
telecommunications companies...
are punitive and wrong.
What's with Mount Rushmore
up there?
Guess who, shit box.
Ooh, it's the little thief.
I beg your pardon?
No, I'm not talking to you.
Oh, man, I made, what,
two hundred grand robbing you?
I wouldn't call that
"little" anything.
State of mind.
What are you yammering about,
Mr. Fairbanks?
I'm not talking to you.
Excuse me.
Well, let me tell you
what state of mind I'm in.
My lady's getting sick and tired
of this whole thing...
so I thought it would be easier
for the both of us...
if you just
give me back my ring...
and I give you back yours.
Now, nod your head...
'cause I'm watching
your little ass on TV.
TV? Which camera? This camera?
Exactly. That one right there.
Hold your head up...
'cause you got that
double chin thing happening.
Damn, that's cold.
Take a good look,
you [Bleep] asshole.
Does this look like the face
of a man who got where he is...
by giving [bleep] away?
[Bleep] you.
Mr. Fairbanks.
Cussing on TV. He cussing on TV.
He dying.
I think he's angry.
I think he's perturbed.
- Mr. Fairbanks...
- Walter...
- Hang up the phone!
- Mr. Fairbanks!
Just a minute.
It looks like the face of a man
who don't have a damn clue.
- I took your PAC money.
- Oh, yeah?
That's why all those little
fat white asses...
ain't rolling over for you.
Mr. Fairbanks,
a little respect, please.
- Just a minute.
- Now, you give me my ring...
- and I'll leave you alone.
- I'm addressing you.
Well, you know what you can do,
- You can [bleep] my [bleep].
- Mr. Fairbanks!
Now, that's what
I'm talking about.
C-SPAN's gotten better.
All right, that's it.
The ring's
coming off your finger...
if I got to cut it off.
Oh, yeah? [Bleep] you
and [bleep] your girlfriend.
My girlfriend?
This is a senate subcommittee,
Mr. Fairbanks.
[Bleep] you, [bleep] you,
[bleep] you.
I love democracy.
That's what I call
I told you this no-good gonif...
was gonna make
a fool out of you.
Look what you've done
over a stupid goddamn ring.
I could've fixed the PAC thing.
You blew a whole market.
You blew millions.
I hope you're satisfied.
Walter, why don't you
go see a doctor...
and ask him if he can find
some ghostly outline...
where your balls used to be...
and then plead with him
to stitch another pair back on?
Stop the car, please.
Max, I have been your lawyer
for twenty years.
I have taken
your degrading insults...
and your petty mockeries.
I have stood by you...
while you've bent the law and
while you've broken the law...
because there's
something fascinating...
in seeing how low you can go...
and I felt a genuine kind
of pity for someone so driven.
But if you're gonna continue...
to play
this idiotic schoolyard game...
over a cheap and ugly,
by the way, ring...
this is the end of the line.
I am getting off the bus.
Screw you, Max,
and the limo you rode in on.
Where are you going?
Come on. Get back in the car.
Go with him. Go with him.
Come on.
You can't walk all the way home.
What are you going to do?
Guess I went a little
too far this time, Earl.
Yes, sir.
- You've been hacked.
- What?
One of my people found out...
our "friend" has been able
to track your whereabouts...
by intercepting your e-mails.
Why, that little son of a...
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
This could be good, Earl.
Yeah, because now we can
control the situation.
We can let him know exactly
what we want him to know.
Bring him right to us.
You're one crafty bastard, Earl.
Thank you, sir.
If the boys at the Pentagon
had had your faith in me...
there'd be a Disney World
in Cuba right now.
All right. Go on.
The driver gave us a pretty good
description of the robbers.
Too good. I've done some costume
design in community theater...
so I've seen my share
of bad acting.
Assign one of our people...
to shadow
the driver and his assistant.
It's too tempting when one is
around that much cash every day.
You got it, detective.
Oh, there he is. Hey, Tardio.
Got all these files you asked
for concerning Fairbanks.
- Thank you, Jerry.
- No problem.
Didn't I see you at the Ice
Capades show last Monday?
Come on, Tardio.
I don't do Ice Capades.
The shoes say butch,
but the socks say...
"Hi, how you doin'?"
- Hey, Jack.
- Hey, baby.
- Where's Amber?
- She asked for the day off.
I knew she was upset.
Amber got a pretty good
head on her shoulders.
Maybe you need to listen
to what she has to say.
You don't even like Amber.
Amber and I happen to agree
on this one...
so therefore I say she OK.
- But?
- But?
But you making this thing
personal with this Fairbanks...
and that's bad for business.
And that's the first thing
I taught you about this game.
Kevin, I got two words for you.
- Bankruptcy auction.
- What?
I just got off the phone
with Shelly.
- He hacked into their e-mail.
- Talk to me.
Fairbanks is gonna be
at his beach house...
for a bankruptcy auction
the day after tomorrow...
and after, he's gonna be out of
the country for a couple months.
Leave it alone, son.
This is your old uncle Jack.
If you only listen to me
one time...
for the rest of your life,
listen to me now.
Take it from a man
who raised you from a pup.
Let it go. I seen other guys
go down the road you're going...
and you know
what they call that? Dead end.
Let it go, Kevin.
Goddamn, Kevin, let it go.
Seven million dollars worth
of art, jewelry, and antiques.
I'll drive. Hand me my keys over
there, right underneath there.
Come on, Lutetia.
Don't worry about it.
Nobody even watches
these hearings. Excuse me.
You've gone too far, Max.
Swearing on TV?
You make a fool
out of yourself...
publicly humiliate
the both of us...
and put your entire company
at risk, for what?
Some trinket
out of a crackerjack box?
Look, when I catch
this little putz...
Don't come home, Max.
- What?
- You're a jerk. Grow up.
Where's my lover? All right.
Berger was looking for you.
He found me.
How you doin'?
You're going, aren't you?
Look, Amber,
you gave me something.
I lost it.
I can't have that between us.
Well, I would much rather
have that between us...
than two inches of glass
at some state prison.
I'm sorry, you know?
A man in my position...
You know, you have always
said this is about me.
This has never been
anything more...
than a juvenile
dick-measuring contest.
Wait a minute. If this was
a dick-measuring contest...
I'd be declared the winner.
Baby elephant trunk.
Baby, I'm just playing.
You know
I'm just messing with you.
Kevin, grow up.
He's making me nuts. I don't
know what to do with him.
- So, what's the pre-nup like?
- There isn't one.
Then divorce him.
Cream the bastard.
Oh, I don't know. I don't know
what this says about me...
but I'm kind of fond
of the old dog.
I mean, s...
- Is Jack inside?
- I think so.
Man trouble?
It's always man trouble.
Well, now you got
woman trouble, too.
That's my jacket.
What are you doing with it?
- You're the thief's wife.
- The thief?
- Your husband stole my ring.
- What?
That was my ring,
and I gave it to my boyfriend.
You want your jacket?
Have your jacket.
Wait a minute.
Pull daddy like a chariot.
Look, kids.
Oh, what a beautiful child!
- Thanks.
- Boy? Girl? Doesn't matter.
Lovely child. So innocent.
Damn. Where's that lens?
- What a nice surprise.
- Yes, it is, isn't it?
Hey, you feel like
taking a walk?
Sounds good,
but I got to go see an optician.
Yeah. You know, right now
my eye is acting up.
You're a little blurry
right now.
Really? Is that blurry?
Uh, no. I see that just fine.
That's good. Relax, would you?
This is just an overlap
of two connected worlds.
You never cross your line,
I never cross mine.
Know what I mean, Kevin?
- Damn!
- Just gas. Poor little thing.
Even in the outdoors, huh?
So what's new, Kevin?
Uh, nothing.
Just playing at golf.
Doing that Tiger Woods thing.
Oh, busy. There's still
a lot of crime out there.
Well, I'm sorry
to hear about that.
after all your efforts.
It can be time-consuming.
I guess that's why I never
took up a sport like you.
Although for some reason...
I've always been drawn
to figure skating.
Speaking of crime, do you know
what crime I hate the most?
- Insurance fraud.
- Oh, yeah? Why's that?
Because the crook is using me.
"Oh, detective,
they took everything...
"and here's the list
of the stolen items...
"and can I have
that docket number...
"so I can claim
my insurance money?"
Nothing makes me angrier
than trying to solve a case...
that never happened.
So you think you got a burglary
that doesn't smell right?
Big townhouse. Beacon Hill.
I'm wondering if the arrogant
son of a bitch bankrupt bum...
who owns the place
maybe didn't set it up himself.
Yeah, well...
I didn't... I didn't hear nothing
about no scam...
but if I do, I'll let you know.
Do you still blink when you're
not telling the truth, Kevin?
Must be the contact lenses.
Come on, Pix.
We gotta get you a bran muffin.
We're getting everybody
bran muffins. Good, good.
Be cool.
Mr. Man.
Gloria, what the hell
are you doing here?
I drove out here because there's
something I need to tell you.
Here, pick one.
Any one.
- Yep. There it is again.
- What does it mean?
The guy's got five daggers
in his head.
What do you think it means?
How bad is it?
I guess a guy with six daggers
in his head would be worse...
but they don't make that card.
It just keeps coming up.
Why the hell didn't you tell me?
Would you have listened to me?
Do you ever listen to anybody?
Max, put a stop to all of this.
No good is gonna come of it.
- I can't.
- Why?
I can't, I can't, I can't!
Once a man in my position
gives in...
lets his defenses down...
is weak for one single moment,
he's dead.
Dead, you understand?
That's the way it is
with animals in the jungle...
that's the way it is with me.
Oh, cut the crap, Max.
It's only a ring.
A silly, stupid ring!
Yeah, and a bone
is just a bone...
until two lions decide...
that only one of them
is gonna walk away with it.
You know what your problem is?
You always have to win.
You figure out
what it is you want...
and then you'll do anything
to get it...
and when you get it,
you toss it aside...
and move on to the next thing.
I loved you, Max.
I knew who you were,
and I still loved you.
Who else can say that?
You know who you are, and you
can barely tolerate yourself.
Nobody talks to me that way.
- I do!
- That turns me on.
No! Get off me!
Ow! What?
You're doing it again,
you horny little bastard.
Give me a hand.
You hurt my back.
No. I quit, Max. Good-bye.
Come on. Glor...
You quit? You're fired!
There goes
your medical and your dental!
You know what? I don't need it.
And I don't need you.
All right.
- Hello, hello.
- Buzz off.
I was...
Compound secure, chief.
Come here.
I am so flattered, sir.
I've thought about this, too.
More than once.
But honestly,
an employer and employee...
what are the percentages?
I just want you to help me up.
I hurt my back.
That was a joke, by the way,
and... and a good one.
Goddamn vultures
are starting to circle.
Make yourselves at home,
Calm down, Max. You're gonna
give yourself a coronary.
I don't have coronaries.
I give them.
Well, I know
this is tough for you...
so I just called
to wish you well.
My therapist won't be happy
about that, but what can I say?
I have a soft spot for you.
Well, thanks, Lutetia,
I appreciate it.
You might be an asshole, Max,
but you're my asshole.
Thanks again.
- Masseuse.
- I didn't order a masseuse.
I sent her over.
I thought you might need
to relax.
You sent me a masseuse?
The therapeutic kind, Max...
not the kind you're used to.
l-I'll call you later, Lutetia.
It's all right, sweetie.
I'll get back
and check the tube, sir.
We're gonna nail this thief...
just so bad
you won't even believe it.
Yeah, yeah, go nail him.
About last night,
I just want you to know...
- Get out of here!
- All right, sir.
Yes. I'll do it.
Yeah, come here, baby.
Must go walkies in the park
one day...
my dogs and yours.
- Excuse me.
- Go away.
Can't do it, sir.
Sorry, sir.
I heard the groaning...
but I'm afraid we need you.
The auction's about to start.
- Any sign of him?
- Not yet.
Would you like
a little massage oil?
Ooh, yeah.
A little massage oil.
More is coming. I shall return.
- Hey, how's it going?
- Good.
Coconut shrimps are flying
like hotcakes. Hey, wait.
You hitting that champagne?
Your eyes look funny.
No, it's my allergies.
Don't get up.
Ladies and gentlemen...
please take your seats.
Mr. Boyle regrets
that he cannot be here...
to conduct the auction
as planned...
due to a last minute
and has graciously sent us...
his associate
Mr. Heinrich Haffmueller...
in his stead.
Mr. Haffmueller.
Here we are. Welcome
und bienvenue to our auction.
My associate
is bringing the first item.
Lot 720. A pair of...
- Chinese.
- Chinese...
- Women.
- Women.
If you brought that crap in
our trailer, I swear to God...
I'd throw it
right out the front door.
We'll start the bidding
at One thousand dollars.
Five thousand dollars.
We'll start the bidding
at five thousand dollars.
Yes, five thousand dollars.
Thank you.
Do I hear six thousand dollars?
Yes, six thousand dollars
from the man.
Do I hear seven thousand?
Seven thousand dollars?
Earl, where the hell is he?
He'll show himself. Just one
thing out of the ordinary...
and my men will be on him
like a... like a...
Sold! Wunderbar! I love it!
All right, check it out.
Alarm system, security cameras.
Yo, I'm plugged into everything.
Do I hear thirty?
Thirty thousand dollars?
Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
The fraulein with the large hat
has something to say?
Oh, let's make it fifty.
- I've got a helicopter to catch.
- Sold!
Come on, Earl, you've got...
all this expensive equipment
in here.
I want some results.
One false move, believe me,
and my men will be all over him.
Uh, team leader to eagle one,
team leader to eagle one.
Got anything yet?
Nothing yet, sir.
Nothing at all.
Surprise, surprise.
Wow, wow. I could do
this shit all day.
Do I hear thirty?
Thirty thousand dollars?
- Forty.
- Sold!
Goddamn! Forty!
All right, we're going to go
to our next item.
Do I hear $15,000?
Do I hear $16,000?
- Nineteen.
- Sold!
- Thirty-four!
- Sold!
- Our next item is...
- Renoir!
Renoir, oh, my God!
I got coasters!
Thank you, lord.
He'll show himself.
Believe me, sir.
When? When? I want to know when.
I want him now.
Come on, Earl, I want something.
What am I bid
for this lovely item?
Hmm? This wonderful
eighteen-karat yellow gold...
Daytona Rolex watch?
Will you slow down?
Look, it's almost 2:00.
You gotta move your fat ass.
Hey, that hurts my feelings.
Oh, what feelings?
You got no feelings.
- I lost ten pounds today!
- Yeah? Where, your toenails?
- Just give me the box.
- I'll give you the box.
- My God, that's thing's heavy!
- You know why it's heavy!
Would you please...
Oh, I love that fat bastard.
I got so many nice things.
Really? I'm happy for you.
We'll start the bidding
for the Rolex at $10,000.
Do I hear ten thousand dollars?
Yo, big Max, now it's on.
It's 2:00,
and it's time for the bomb.
Hey, how you doing?
Listen, Max...
I'm sure by the time you see
this you're gonna be pissed...
but I want to thank you...
for having a brother
back at your beach house.
I'd like to report a fire
at the Fairbanks estate.
Twenty-five Harbor Heights
in Marblehead.
- Big fire.
- Fire!
You son of a...
Code red. Repeat... code red!
- Fire!
- Fire!
Code red!
Are you ready for the mayhem?
Hustle, boys, hustle!
Come on. Come on.
Where is he?
Didn't I tell you
you could do it?
Look at the mess I caused.
Wait'll I tell the kids.
Tell them, tell them.
Hey, with this watch I can move
into a white neighborhood now.
- Probably.
- Pull this truck out!
- Come on, let's go!
- Yes, sir. Where's Kevin?
Just go, just go.
He's used to it, trust me.
- Fellas, we rich.
- Yeah, we're rich!
- Filthy rich.
- I can't believe it!
I deserve it!
It's the underground kid,
I be hacking from the van
And everywhere I go they
screamin' Shelly nix the man
Yo, Shelly nix the man,
yo, Shelly nix the man
Where are you,
you son of a bitch?!
Where the hell is he?
No, get off of me!
No, leave me alone!
I'm looking for somebody.
Let go of me! Let go of me!
Max! Oh, I love this. Max!
I'm sorry, Max.
I'm all right, OK?
You understand? I'm OK!
Son of a...
You think you're getting away.
Your ass is mine!
Your ass is mine!
Stinking thief!
Oh, my!
You're not getting away.
- Get off me!
- Give to me!
Give me it, you son of a bitch!
Give me that ring.
- Oh, shit! Man!
- There's water!
Wait, wait. This ain't the ring.
- Wait are you trying to pull?
- That ain't the ring!
What do you mean,
that ain't the ring?
Whoa, water!
- Look.
- What?
- This has an inscription inside.
- Inscription?
Yeah, it says, "Grow up."
My lady said that to me.
My wife told me the same thing.
Damn! Lutetia did this.
She got that masseuse to oil it
right off my finger.
You... you joking, right?
Let me see that.
We're going down, man.
Max Fairbanks?
Max Fairbanks?
That's right. It's me...
and I'm arresting you
under suspicion...
of bankruptcy
and insurance fraud.
Prove it!
Oh! A woman scorned.
Kevin Caffrey.
Is that you?
Hey! What up, Tardio?
Kevin, what are you doing here?
Well, uh...
I swam out...
when I saw that my fellow man
was in trouble.
He's a total stranger.
Never saw him before!
Trs bizarre.
Oh, yes. Trs bizarre.
Not as bizarre as you.
Thanks, Max.
I owe you one, man.
Ah, don't mention it.
You and me,
we both love the game.
There's no need to be penalized
for that.
OK, come to Tardio.
Go get 'em, boys and girls.
- Yes, sir.
- OK.
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Hey, hey, nothing.
That's my man. Go get her.
You? The masseuse?
I massaged that baby right off
his hairy little finger.
His wife and I
decided you two had it coming.
You're amazing.
See that ring?
I think it's got
the wrong kind of luck.
- Throw it away.
- Throw it away?
- We worked so hard to...
- Throw it away.
This is Kerry Kilbride
reporting from Washington...
where just moments ago
a Senate committee ended...
its long-standing
into the alleged media
and broadcasting monopoly...
of billionaire businessman
Max Fairbanks.
Through a series of quick and
effective legal maneuverings...
Mr. Fairbanks
and his attorney...
have taken
the wind out of the sails...
of the Senate committee.
Shook 'em down.
Brother hoodwinked
the entire Senate committee.
That's my boy.
Put on your rubber boots,
'cause here comes the bullshit.
We now go directly to the scene
with Tracey Kimberly.
This is Tracey Kimberly...
reporting live
from the capitol...
where we have just witnessed
a stunning turn of events...
orchestrated by
a relatively unknown lawyer...
from the firm
of Whiteman, Small, Johnson.
- Whiteman, Small, Johnson?
- What do you mean by that?
Here he comes now.
Oh, look! That's my boy!
Look, he on TV?
Yo, look at that!
He got that big...
Oh, no, he didn't!
I'd like to say
power to the people.
Let's rise up.
A quick shout out to my mama.
Mama, I love you.
Mr. Fairbanks,
do you have a statement?
Ladies and gentlemen,
I was dragged through the mud...
I was tarred and feathered
in the streets.
- Can we get an "Oop" up in here?
- Up in here!
I was bent over and stuffed
like a Christmas goose.
Can I get an "Ouch!
That's hurts"?
Ouch! That hurts!
But in the end,
the senators saw the truth...
that I'm an honest
and legitimate businessman.
Counselor, what exactly was your
game plan going in there today?
Well, my brethren...
I'm not one to stand up here
and conversate out of my ass...
nor am I gonna stand up here
and jerk you all off.
Besides the precedents
of Roe vs. Wade...
uh, my Uncle Ray-Ray
vs. the Dairy Queen...
I knew I had to get it
on the inside...
to the big man
for the easy lay-up.
I am full of de facto...
habeas corpus
emancipation proclamation.
I also have
a very, very big pro bono.
Baby, it runs in the family.
What do you believe changed
the senators' minds?
Fourscore, darling!
Yeah, I mean, hey,
everybody makes mistakes...
even senators.
Are you implying
there were improprieties...
on behalf of the senators?
Hey, man, I am a black male...
not a blackmailer.
Nobody's perfect.
Isn't that right,
Senator Richards?
- Senator Richards!
- Senator!
Well, heh heh! I owe you one.
Yeah. Hey, don't mention it.
You just take care of yourself.
- Hey, right on.
- Right on!
What a guy.
Son of a bitch!