Wild Oats (2016) Movie Script
"The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.
"He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
"He leadeth me beside the still waters.
"Yea, though I walk through the
valley of the shadow of death,
"I will fear no evil, for though art with me.
"My rod and my staff, they comfort me.
"Thou preparest a table before me
in the presence of mine enemies.
"Thou anointest my head with oil.
"My cup runneth over.
"Surely goodness and mercy shall
follow me aell the days in my life.
And I will dwell in the house
of the Lord forever."
Reality of death, with all its pain...
Ben...
Ben, maybe you should take her home.
- I can't leave.
- But you can. It's all right.
Honey, it really is.
- I just feel so bad for you.
- I know.
- It's all right.
- He was so healthy.
Well...
I would... oh, God...
- Why don't you just get her out of here.
- No, no.
- I actually have to go.
- No.
I'm...
I'm okay. Sorry.
...to understand what has happened.
That concludes our service.
I've been asked by the family to announce
that food and refreshments will be served
at the Fenton household at 1210 Oak Drive.
- Honey.
- What are you gonna do now?
I don't know.
I mean, you have no one now. No one.
- I have you.
- No, it's not the same.
Pull yourself together, please.
I mean, where are you gonna live?
Well, I was... I would like to live at home.
Without Daddy?
Maybe we can talk about this later.
I have to go to the office.
Are you okay to drive?
Uh, I'm... Clarissa will take me.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
- This sucks.
- Yeah.
Oh, dear, why do they say
he's in a better place?
H-How do they know?
They're all just so self-absorbed.
You know, I know Frank wasn't
a perfect person, but...
I'm scared to be alone now.
Me, too. Me, too.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, Maddie.
- Oh, geez.
- Oh, honey. Oh.
It's all right. It's all right.
I'm not crying about Frank.
You're not?
Huh? Oh, yes, I am.
Oh, Eva, of course I am.
But that's not all of it.
I think Ben is having an affair.
Really?
With that little brunette that types
on the computers in his office.
- Oh, the secretary.
- That's the one.
I thought she was so sweet to come today.
Oh, come on. Eva, I mean...
Jesus, who brings
their secretary to a funeral?
Well, I hadn't thought about that.
Yeah, well, did you see how
everybody was looking at her?
Well, s-some of us were
looking at the coffin.
Well, yeah, I know that.
But, I mean... after that.
After that.
- You are so brave.
- Yes.
I'm sorry, did I say "yes"?
- Yes.
- Well, I meant "no."
- Oh, no.
- Oh.
- He's in a better place.
- Thank you.
I don't know what to say to these people.
I don't feel brave,
and I don't know what to say.
Just say "thank you." And you are brave, Eva.
- And what do they know?
- Eva.
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh.
- Thank you, Jill.
- Jean.
- Jeans.
- Just "Jean."
- Just one "Jean."
- Oh.
I'm just a little confused.
Her husband just died.
You're so brave.
- Thank you.
- How would you know?
- No.
- Oh. I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Um, I'm sorry.
Just remember, he's in a better place.
Yes, I hope so.
She seems nice.
- Mom.
- Oh, hi, honey.
Um, this is Monique Windsor.
- Hi, Monique.
- I'm so sorry for your loss.
- Thank you.
- And I just love your house.
- Oh, thanks.
- She thinks that
she can get you something
in the low six figures.
- I don't understand.
- Of course, it'll need a little
sprucing up, but we can
talk about that later.
- Sprucing up?
- Nothing big.
I-I helped her pick out the drapes.
No, I'm very confused here.
- It's kind of like getting ready for a date.
- What to?
Monique is the realtor that
I've been telling you about.
And she made the string bean casserole.
God, somebody actually made that.
- Maddie.
- What she's trying to say is that
if you fix it up a little bit,
you can get a little bit more.
It's usually just little things.
- But we don't have to rush.
- The floral wallpaper.
Oh, the floral wallpaper in
the... in the dining room. Hmm.
Mom, it's old and stained.
It's just like putting lipstick on.
Putting it on what?
We can talk about this later.
- That's a good idea.
- Um, how 'bout I show you
the maid's quarters?
Not that there ever was a maid.
She's right. It's old and it's stained.
I'd like to make her eat this shit.
It's your stained wallpaper. It's your house.
You can do whatever you want.
It was Crystal's idea,
and we were having trouble
with the mortgage payments
after he got sick anyway.
But what about his life insurance?
$50,000. How am I going to live on that?
And he sold so many tires.
I know.
Where are you gonna live?
Crystal's picked it out.
It's called Sunset Vista.
And it's 20 miles south of Belleville,
and its slogan is:
"Out of sight, out of mind."
I wonder what Ben's life insurance is.
Mrs. Fenton?
- Yes.
- Hi.
This is the nicest potluck wake
I have ever been to.
Oh. Well, thank you.
You don't recognize me, do you?
No, I'm sorry.
Laurie Pinkerton.
- Tenth grade history?
- Oh, my goodness.
Laurie Pinkerton. How you've grown.
You were always my favorite teacher.
I never, never get tired of hearing that.
By the way, Mrs. Fenton,
do you know my dad, Greg Pinkerton?
You might have seen him around town.
He's a veteran. He lost a leg to diabetes.
He used to drink like a crazy person, but
he has been on the wagon now for six years.
Oh, well, he sounds very colorful.
Anyway, his third wife just passed away.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- How many legs did she have?
I-I guess what I'm trying to say is,
he's very lonely, and he always
thought you were so pretty.
Oh. We never met.
In my yearbook photos.
Well, that... that was many,
many years ago, dear.
Well, anyway, I was... I was just thinking...
- Get out!
- Shush, Maddie.
Oh, I don't know what I'm saying.
He's just so lonely.
And you say he's just got the one leg?
Well, for the moment, yeah.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Fenton.
This should be your day.
I thought so, too.
Triglycerides, 83. HDL, 40.
Your LDL, 122. Might want to cut down
on the red meats and dairy.
But, all in all, you're in great shape.
Charlie, do you have a test for Alzheimer's?
Yes. But why would you be interested?
Because yesterday
I walked out of the ladies' room
at the Starlight Diner
and I made the wrong turn
and I ended up in the kitchen.
Is that normal?
What'd you have for breakfast this morning?
Uh, two poached eggs, homemade grape jam
over one slice of seven-grain bread.
Mrs. Fenton, your mind is
a steel trap. Now go away.
Charlie, do you mind if I pay
you on the first of the month?
I really hate to ask.
- Of course. Don't worry about it.
- Thank you.
You know, you were
the best teacher I ever had.
Thank you.
And I never get tired of hearing that.
- You know what I always remember?
- What's that?
How you would talk about
Christopher Columbus.
Well, he was so awful.
Yeah, but you always had a way
of making it come alive.
Okay, he was brave.
How he had the wind on the deck,
the fear of the unknown...
The genocide of the Indians.
Well, yeah, that, too.
- Thank you, Doc.
- Well... How's Maddie Reynolds doing?
- She's fine.
- Yeah?
She holding up okay?
I'm sorry?
Oh, no. Just... tell her I said hi.
No, wait. Wh-What's wrong with her?
Uh, just tell her I said hi.
Maddie, what is the matter with you?
Well, I could stand to lose ten pounds.
- Maddie...
- And weird as it may sound,
I mean, some people find me depressing.
- Please.
- While others envy me for my fantastic figure.
- Please tell me.
- And still others
leave me for their secretaries.
He left you?
He packed up his clothes
and moved in with Clarissa's 25-year-old ass.
Oh, my.
Do you know how great my ass was?
It's still the envy of the town.
Not anymore.
Pull yourself together.
- You know what really kills me?
- I don't want to know.
What... does she see in him?
Hi.
What can I get for you ladies today?
Would you... date someone in their 60s?
I'm sorry?
Uh, French toast... that really looked good.
I mean, would you go out
with a man in his 60s?
It's a simple question.
- Um...
- It was challah French toast, yes?
Am I pronouncing that correctly?
I mean, just give me an answer because
my husband just left me for someone
who could be your twin.
Oh, my God.
Are you Maddie Reynolds?
Yeah.
My friend Clarissa just moved in
with your ex-husband.
Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God.
- We should have a Spanish omelet now.
It's really awkward. I am really sorry.
She is such a bitch.
I thought you said she was your friend.
Well, yeah...
What does she see in him?
H-He kind of looks like Patrick Stewart?
What?
No.
I mean, it takes him an hour in the bathroom,
no matter why he has to go.
He's got a gut.
He has no muscle tone left.
He's losing all his hair.
He uses Viagra.
Now, none of this is his fault, but...
why isn't your friend Chad moving in with me?
We need to just take a minute.
I don't have any friends named Chad.
And second of all, I mean,
I think old faces are beautiful.
I don't know why you're
so uptight about your age.
We'd like to have the two
breakfast specials, please.
Thank you very much, and then you can go.
I am so sick of taking the blame
for Clarissa's bullshit.
Thank you so much, and you please go away.
Now, why... isn't my hot young secretary
moving in with me when I've got
one foot in the grave, huh?
What does that mean?
It's nothing, it's nothing.
You're my best friend
for 40 years and I love you,
and I need to know what it is
that's going on.
Do you remember, uh, when I went
to Myrtle Beach in South Carolina?
Yes.
Well, I didn't really go there.
Where'd you go?
Johns Hopkins Hospital in Maryland.
What about all those...
sights from the Civil War?
The... you sounded so knowledgeable.
Wikipedia.
I'm okay. It's all fine.
Is it, really?
Yes, and six months from now,
it may still be fine.
Six months?
There's even a 20% chance...
that it'll be great.
20 percent?
And until then, they have done
everything that they can possibly do,
and I never want to talk about this again.
I'm glad you told me.
I told you nothing.
All right, dear.
Here comes Greg Pinkerton.
Big Laurie's father?
He's coming over here.
Well, just say hi.
I mean, legs aren't everything.
Eva Fenton?
Oh, yes, hello.
I'm Greg Pinkerton.
I hear you got a little crush on me.
No.
So, Mom, Luke and I brought you a present.
Oh, thank you. This is quite beautiful.
What is this?
Well, we were watching this infomercial...
Oh.
...and we said to ourselves,
"That is something she should really have."
You wear it around your neck.
See, if anything happens,
you press the button and it connects you
directly to the paramedics.
Ah.
So, what's wrong with the telephone?
Well, what if you couldn't get to the
telephone because you were incapacitated?
I mean, you could totally be incapacitated.
Yeah, it would take you days
to crawl to the telephone.
- And then what if the battery was dead?
- By the time you got there.
Well, I could try to crawl to the kitchen,
where I have one on a hook.
But, Mom, there was this old woman,
and she fell in her bathtub,
- and if her daughter hadn't come by...
- Mm-hmm.
...she would have totally died.
Life Alert saves lives from catastrophe...
...every ten minutes.
I know why this looks so familiar.
Mrs. Benson put one of these
on her dog, and he had really...
used to run away a lot,
and he had very bad arthritis
in his hind legs.
Now you see.
Older and bigger dogs, they get arthritis.
But, Mom, this is not for dogs.
Hmm.
It's for people.
You see, you have to push the button.
Doesn't work if you don't have
opposable thumbs.
Oh.
I see.
Certified letter for Eva Fenton.
Oh, thank you. You filling in for Pete?
Pete retired, moved to Orlando.
Really?
He seemed so young.
Pete, no.
I thought you said
the policy was for $50,000.
- It is.
- But this is more than that.
Oh, I know that, but look at the letter.
"Enclosed: Full payment
of the amount of $50,000."
Yeah, but this is more than that.
I know that.
This is $5 million.
I-I can count the zeros.
Whoa. Well, there must have been
some computer glitch.
I called the insurance company.
- And?
- Oh.
Welcome to Beneficial Life,
where your life matters.
To continue in English,
press one or say "English."
Para Espaol, oprima dos.
Representative.
For main menu, press one or say "Main menu."
Representative!
For automobile insurance, press one
or say "Automobile insurance."
For motorcycles and off-road
vehicles, press two or say
"Motorcycles and off-road vehicles."
For personal watercraft, press three
or say Personal watercraft."
For life insurance, press four
or say "Life insurance."
It's amazing, isn't it? Technology.
I'm sorry, I didn't get that.
- Maddie.
- What?
Welcome to Beneficial Life,
where your life matters.
What?
For personal watercraft,
press three or say "Personal watercraft."
I'm not gonna say a thing.
I'm sorry, I didn't get that.
For personal watercraft,
press three or say "Personal watercraft."
For life insurance, press four
or say "Life insurance."
Life insurance!
You have pressed four for life insurance.
Yes!
I'm sorry, I didn't get that.
No!
Life insurance.
- Press four.
- Life insurance.
Did you just say "Personal watercraft"?
For life insurance, press four
or say "Life insurance."
I'm sorry, I didn't get that.
I have a question about the policy.
Please ask your question,
then press the pound key.
- There, go on.
- Okay.
Um, my question is that, um, I don't think...
I don't think that I got the right amount
on my, on my husband's life insurance policy.
Press the pound key.
Pound. Okay.
Thank you for calling Beneficial
Life, where your life matters.
If you would like to speak
to a representative,
please say "Representative."
Representative!
Oh.
I'm sorry, all our representatives are
busy with other clients at this time.
Good-bye.
I'm shaking like a leaf.
Oh, come on, Eva,
you're not robbing the bank.
You're making a deposit.
But it's not my money, Maddie.
All you have to say is...
that you put it there for safekeeping
until the mistake was rectified.
Right?
But now what if it's a trap
and they arrest me?
You're old.
Tell them you were confused.
- Okay, so put your card in there.
- All the way?
- Really?
- Yeah. No, no.
Pull it out.
Five, zero, zero, zero...
- Mrs. Fenton?
- Oh!
It's me, Bernard Dyson.
Uh-huh.
I had you senior year.
You probably get this all the time,
Mrs. Fenton, but I just wanted to tell you...
You know, I do, and thank you,
and I never get tired of hearing it.
Sorry, she's just a little
nervous because her husband
- passed away recently and...
- My husband just died,
- and I was very nervous and I...
- I mean, and, uh, he was a machine.
- Maddie.
- This machine reminds her of him.
And he died of a, of a...
I don't know what I'm saying.
He was killed by a bank machine.
It's...
Sorry.
Uh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Fenton,
you go right ahead.
Thank you. Ask him where the check went.
- Did you do something wrong?
- No.
Well, did you put it in face up?
- Of course I put it in face up!
- Sorry.
- Take it.
- Hold on. Let me get you some help.
- Oh! No, no, no, no!
- Joyce. Joyce.
- No, it's okay.
- Don't bother with her.
Can we even deposit a check that size?
Mm.
It's an out-of-state check, so...
it may take up to three
business days to clear.
Oh, well, that-that's fine.
There's no rush.
Oh, dear.
What's the matter?
I don't know.
Oh, your toaster.
Oh, you...
Um, I-I left my toaster on.
She had bagels in it.
Oh, I'm sure it's popped up by now.
Yeah, but I forgot to slice the bagels.
And you know how bagels
are always getting stuck.
Yes.
Oh, was it a toaster oven?
No, no.
No, no, no, no, but it is...
Mrs. Fenton, in order to cash
a check this size, we have...
Mrs. Krims and...
Joyce.
...Joyce.
I have a very frayed chord on my, um...
- Toaster.
- ...on my toaster.
So I think I better take the check back.
There's no need for that.
I'll just call this bank
and, if the funds are there,
I'm sure we can clear a portion immediately.
Please don't. Please don't call.
Don't call, don't call.
It only takes a minute, dear.
After all, we're a bank.
The only thing you need to do...
is endorse it.
Oh, God.
Don't run. Just act normal.
Oh, will you get in?
I am getting in. I'm getting in.
Mrs. Fenton, wait!
I can explain.
I have never seen this woman
before in my life.
I'm sorry if I startled you.
I just called the bank in Connecticut
and talked to the manager,
and he's cleared the check.
- What?
- All of it?
Yes, it's an insurance company check,
so there's no problem.
The funds should show up online
by the time you get home.
You did the right thing.
If the insurance people call,
I can say, "Why? Look, it's right there."
I've got nothing to hide.
In the meantime, we can sit around
enjoying watching the money.
I could pay off Frank's hospital bills,
and the, um, dishwasher is broken.
Yeah, and with five million bucks,
you could even replace your shower curtain.
- Maddie?
- Hmm?
What would you do if it were your money?
If it was my money?
If it were my money.
- It is your money.
- No.
- If it were yours.
- If it was mine?
If it were your money,
not "was" your money, "were."
Oh, my grammar.
Right.
God, I don't know. I mean...
I'd go to the most
beautiful island in the world,
where no one ever goes.
Take all my clothes off
and throw them on a bonfire,
and just dance naked
with a dozen beautiful young men.
That sounds so horrible.
Yeah.
In truth, I'd drink mojitos
on the beach until my number's up.
Luticia, I need to get somebody
up here to fix these damn blinds.
I-I don't know how...
Surprise!
Oh, my goodness.
Make a wish.
I wish it was somebody else's birthday.
Alvin.
I've often wondered why you don't retire.
Oh, I wish I could.
- Oh?
- My daughter lives in China.
I fly her back here once a year to see me.
Plane fares are enormous.
I got a case right here.
If you nail this one, you can move to China.
Oh, I don't want to move to China.
- In the abstract.
- I feel very ill at ease there.
Alvin, we need to talk.
See, my daughter married
this Chinese boy that she met in school.
Alvin, open the file.
- Whose case is it?
- I'm giving that to you.
- To me?
- Yeah.
Uh, Eva Fenton.
Widow of, uh, Frank Fenton,
Liberty, Illinois.
Last week, Frank passed away.
Oh.
And on account of a computer error,
uh, we accidentally sent his widow
a check for $5 million on a $50,000 policy.
Holy shit!
- Yeah.
- That's some error.
Boy, I got to tell you, I won't lie to you.
It's the biggest screwup
ever to go through this office.
Uh, now-now you've been
with Beneficial, what, 30 some years?
- 38.
- 38 years.
No one wants to see your head on a stick.
Excuse me?
But if somebody's head's got to be
on a stick, better you than me.
Oh, uh, why should my head be on a stick?
Here's the situation, Alvin.
If we can't get that money back...
No, wh-why my head?
Why the stick?
You're the oldest investigator
in this office.
You could pull rank
and claim this case by rights.
- No, I would never do that.
- But if you did,
see, if you did and you didn't get
the money back, it wouldn't be my fault.
And maybe, just maybe I could keep my job.
Yeah, but why is it my head on the stick?
'Cause if that happened,
you would probably be fired.
Well, let's try another plan.
As an added incentive, you get four percent
commission on all the money you recover.
That is a lot of Chinese airplane tickets.
But what if she spent it all already?
That's the gamble.
- Can I refuse?
- No.
So how is it a gamble?
I am gambling on you.
I believe you can get that money back.
Because you understand
the mind-set of someone
who never made a difference.
Someone who-who grew old
between two mighty oceans,
but they never saw the sea.
Who-who are we talking about here, Randall?
You, Alvin, you.
So why are you so upset?
Because when I look at you,
I see what I might become.
Alvin, I need you to save my ass.
And maybe, maybe even your own.
You think she knows what she did?
Well, just remember, it takes a normal
person a long time to spend $5 million.
In my experience,
they can catch on pretty quickly.
Why don't I just spend all of it?
I wouldn't want you to do that.
I scrimped and saved my whole life.
Why don't I just have fun?
Spend the whole darn $5 million?
Well, if you're going to do that,
then you should officially give me half,
so I don't feel like
I'm sponging off you all the time.
Half is yours.
I love you, Eva.
I love you, too, Maddie.
Cariito.
What does that mean?
"Sweetheart."
Cariito.
This morning for your enjoyment,
we have the special champagne breakfast.
...then till you're done, and...
I mean, it only takes 30 minutes
and it was, it was really...
Ooh.
Why can't Europeans wear shorts
like normal people?
Come on, be nice, Maddie.
No, come on. Did you see that, huh?
Thank you, Paco.
- Es un placer, seoras.
- Seoritas.
We're seoritas.
Ah, seoritas.
Wow.
Well, he's cute.
Whew, I'd like to see him jump in.
No shit.
Oh, no.
Let's get out of here.
No, relax. Relax, Maddie.
Noisy lot.
Well, that's Klaus for you.
Would you mind terribly
if I introduced myself?
- Chandler's the name.
- Hi.
Lacey Chandler, English imports.
- Oh, are we in your seats?
- Hi.
- Beg your pardon?
- No, we're not in his seats.
- If we are, we can move...
- No.
- ...if these are your seats.
- We're not in his seats.
No, of course not. I just thought
I'd take the old bit by the horns
and introduce myself.
- To us?
- Yes, to us. Would you just...
That's so sweet.
I've always heard that...
people are friendlier in Spain.
Northwest Africa, actually.
Of course. What?
This place is closer to Northwest Africa
than it is to Spain.
What do you know?
And this isn't your first time
in the Canaries, is it?
- Uh, yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
My name is Lacey Chandler.
Would I be intruding if I introduce myself?
You just did.
So I did.
Must be the sun.
I'm Maddie Reynolds.
This is my friend Eva Fenton.
How do you do?
Would you like to sit down?
No, maybe he doesn't want to.
Well, maybe he wants to.
I don't...
I can't understand what's happening here.
How would you two charming young ladies
like to dine with me tonight?
- Oh, I'd love to be...
- No, we can't. I can't.
- We can.
- You quite sure?
- Positive. I have things...
- Yes.
- What?
- ...to do.
- We'd love to. We'd just lo...
- We have plans.
You sure about that?
- No, we absolutely don't.
- Really, I don't think we can.
What about 8:00 in the main dining room?
We would love to.
Splendid.
Enjoy your afternoon.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
All right.
So begins the report
of Investigator A.J. Vespucci
into case number 135276.
I'm not sure about that number.
I just rang the doorbell.
Nobody's home.
Fortunately, I anticipated this possibility,
and already located the not-so-hidden
hide-a-key under the mat.
Kitchen's spotless.
You could eat off the floor.
Maybe she, uh, cleaned house
just before she left.
Or maybe she's just a naturally tidy person.
My sister's very clean, but...
you can't have a conversation with her.
She's so negative.
Subject has a daughter, Crystal,
married to a Luke Morrison.
Daughter's smile seems very artificial to me.
Son-in-law looks unimpressive.
Bingo.
Letter from Beneficial Life.
Aw, very sad.
In conclusion...
Yeah, hello.
- Alvin. Tammy.
- Yeah, hi.
I had a couple of minutes,
so I looked up Mrs. Fenton for you.
She received a letter by certified mail,
deposited the check
and booked two first-class
tickets on Iberian Airlines
to Gran Canaria in the Canary Islands,
where she reserved the Presidential Suite
at the Lopesan Costa Meloneras Hotel.
Her room tab, to date,
is 27,428 U.S. dollars.
Look, I've got to run.
Oh, Alvin, good luck.
He did say 8:00.
- Maybe he did forget.
- How could he forget?
I mean, he introduced himself three times.
Do you think maybe there's
really something wrong with him?
Hello!
- Well.
- Good evening.
Oh.
Hope you like your gentlemen prompt.
- Oh, we do.
- But it's 9:30.
- Is it?
- Mm-hmm.
Goddamn, I'm still in Tokyo time.
Big international business deals, you know?
No, Tokyo, it's the middle of the night.
Yeah, well, they work so hard there.
Well, in that case, I think I might be early.
Oh, you're a doll.
I'm sorry I kept you waiting.
Would you help me make it up
to you by having dinner with me?
Of course.
That's why we're here.
- Oh, did you have plans?
- Yes, we had plans.
- No plans.
- Yes, we had plans.
- With you.
- Well, here I am. And I'm on time.
- Why don't we all have a drink.
- I've got a better idea.
Why don't we all have dinner.
Of course.
Oh, gosh.
So, first time in the Parakeets?
- He's demented, honey.
- Oh, come on.
So he mixes up a couple words.
I mean, who doesn't do that?
The accents, they keep changing.
Did he grow up on a transatlantic jet?
You know what your problem is, Eva?
You don't know how to have fun.
You know what your problem is?
Ha.
I apologize, ladies.
When business calls, nature answers.
No, that's not it. Just a minute.
- It's something else. I forget.
- Well, never mind.
You better eat that steak tartare
before it gets cold.
Well, somebody better.
- Would you like some more wine?
- Well, more wine than what?
Yes, more wine. Much more than we can afford.
Would you like some wine, my dear?
- No, thank you, thank you.
- Are you sure?
Come on.
Where the hell do you come from, anyway?
Sounds like you grew up
in some transatlantic shipyard.
Airplane.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
What's the matter?
- It can't be.
- What?
You don't understand.
My ex-wife is over there.
What's she doing here?
Of all the rotten luck.
That's your ex-wife?
Yes, that's her over there.
What went wrong?
- Me, I think.
- Oh.
I was mad to think I could keep her.
Oh.
No, no, no, you're a nice person, and very...
- That's terrible.
- ...handsome and interesting and sweet.
- Really sweet.
- I'm sorry, the shock of it all.
You'll have to excuse me.
Wow.
That's...
She's not that great.
Thank you.
Oh, look who's there.
I really must apologize.
- Oh, no, it's okay.
- We understand.
Oh, you're too kind.
- Have you seen the casino?
- I think we should have another drink.
- Huh? What?
- What?
Well, that's decided.
Now, the great thing is to let yourselves go.
Don't hold back, it's only money.
Oh, not funny.
Maddie, you are making a fool
out of yourself.
Here comes trouble.
Oh, no, that's okay.
Sh-She probably won't even notice me.
Hello, Michelle.
Well, that was rude.
That's okay, darling.
She doesn't speak English, only French.
My own little offering.
Oh, come on, Lacey Pants.
- Now, how much is that?
- $10,000.
- Is that good or bad?
- It's bad.
Then why are we happy?
'Cause we don't care.
Honey, don't you think you've had enough?
Let's-let's go to bed now.
Oh, just one more little spin.
See? Just one more little spin.
What do you say you and I try something
a little more dangerous?
I've never played this before.
Thirty-six.
Uh, twenty-three.
Eighteen!
Tell her to split the aces.
Uh, I would like to split the aces, please.
That's right.
This right?
Oh, split the aces again.
Again? Where do I put...?
Do it again. That's it.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Oh, oh, excellent.
Hit me.
- But madame has 18.
- Do it anyway.
What happened?
We are leaving.
You are cursing our monies.
Oh.
Sorry, ma'am.
Blackjack.
Eva, I'm begging you to stop now.
- Stop.
- All right. Oh, all right.
Can I have a bag for this?
Aw, the poor thing.
Oh, Maddie.
Put her in here, please.
Just put her on the bed, thank you.
Thank you.
Okay, just a minute, please.
- Muchas gracias.
- Muchas gracias, seora.
Muchas gracias.
Wait, wait, okay.
Okay.
I'm sure she'll be all right now,
but thank you so very, very much.
I hope you're not going to leave that there.
Oh, goodness, I forgot to cash them.
- Shall I put it in the safe?
- How nice. Thank you so much.
It's in the little corner around there.
It's got the combination beside it.
Are you free tomorrow?
- Yes.
- I thought I'd show you Las Palmas.
It's very interesting.
We should go in the morning.
You know, let me do that.
But I can do that.
Oh. Oh, you did it.
Oh, of course. I'm sorry, yeah.
Oh, don't be silly.
Thank you so much.
Eva, you won a lot of money
at the ponies tonight.
You got to promise me
you won't be careless with it.
I promise.
It wasn't the ponies, was it?
It was blackjack.
Oh, well, shall we call it a night, then?
I guess so.
Lacey.
Everyone forgets things.
I forget things, we all do.
You're very kind.
And very beautiful.
Thank you.
So you're saying that my mother cashed
a $5 million check
that doesn't belong to her?
Endorsed it, deposited it, and, at this
minute, is drawing money on the account.
Well, maybe not at this minute.
They're five hours ahead of us
in the Canary Islands.
Look, Mr....
My name is not what matters here.
Yeah, but what is it?
Alvin J. Vespucci.
- Like the explorer?
- Right.
- Is that any family relation?
- I don't know.
Uh, my father always claimed we were
descendants, but he was very grandiose.
I'm sorry, can we get back on track here?
Well, my father and I had a very
difficult relationship, but...
I was never very good at sports,
and he somehow felt personally emasculated.
How about we call the insurance company
and see if you really work there?
There's really no need for that.
Now, I'm going after your mother,
and I'd like you to come with me.
Obviously, she is a decent person,
but she seems very lonely to me,
and I'm frankly concerned about her judgment.
Hi.
How are you feeling?
Like a fat drunk.
You're not fat, Maddie.
Thanks.
Wow, you're all gussied up.
Lacey said he would show us
around the island.
- Both of us?
- Of course.
Ah, that's okay, Eva, you go.
My head is pounding.
I don't want to go without you.
I want you to go.
Well, he's just going to show us
ar... me around the island.
Obviously, he isn't into younger women.
So go. Have fun.
God sakes.
Have sex.
How long has it been?
No, I don't want to have sex with anybody.
Seven years.
What?
Geez, wow.
Well, Frank, he was a very loving man,
but he was not passionate.
- Wow.
- Well, when is the last time
you had anything with Ben?
I don't want to talk about that.
I thought you said he was a fire hose.
He was.
He was just spraying it everywhere else.
And, you know, I am a very sexual person.
Yes, Maddie, I-I do know that.
So go have sex with him before he
forgets how to speak English at all.
Come on, take one for the team.
Oh, God, I feel so silly.
But, oh, you look great.
I do?
Evie, you look great.
So this is where Columbus came to pray
before he set out to discover the Americas?
No, no, not exactly.
The original church fell down,
and this church was built on the same site
but 300 years later.
But he was in the vicinity.
Well, yes.
And it's from this very spot that he
set sail to discover the Americas.
Yes, but when he discovered America,
he thought he had found India.
That's why our Native Americans
are called Indians.
You know what they say about Columbus?
They say he didn't know where he was going,
and then when he got back, he
didn't know where he had been.
Oh, I know that feeling.
Don't we all.
Okay.
Well...
you're a damn fine-looking woman, Maddie.
- Buenas tardes, seora.
- Buenas tardes.
Are you joining someone?
Yes. Yes.
Uh, if you see a...
a tall, dark, handsome guy between...
the ages of... 21 and 55,
broad shoulders, slim waist,
big wide feet, I'll be at the bar.
So keep your eyes open. Comprende?
Muy bien. Gracias.
Yeah.
- Eve...
- No, Eva.
Oh. Eva.
How would you like to go back to the hotel?
You see...
If I was 30 years younger,
I could pad the way a little more.
And waste even more time.
We could go for a drive instead.
I'd feel so foolish.
It's just nerves.
Maddie?
Maddie?
Buenas tardes, seor.
Oh. Uh, buenas tardes.
Will you come with me, please?
Sure.
Your party, seor.
Have a wonderful evening.
Oh...
Uh...
Hi.
I'm confused.
Can I sit here?
Yeah.
Thanks.
I'm Chip.
- I'm Maddie.
- Maddie.
Okay.
Are you waiting for someone? I mean, I-I...
- Do you need this chair?
- No. No.
- No?
- Uh, no. My girlfriend and I just got
in a humongous fight, so...
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Well, I'm sure everything will be all right.
- All you have to do is say you're sorry.
- I'm not sorry.
Oh.
Anyway, she just got on a flight
to Barcelona with some...
German guy, so...
Wow.
Oh, that's terrible.
She's just so...
...immature.
You know?
I should get a drink.
I-I...
I don't know how to handle this.
Should I go?
Oh.
I just don't think that it's weird for a guy
- to love his mother. Right?
- No.
It's not. It's not.
I mean, is it w... Maybe I am weird.
- No.
- No?
No, it's perfectly... natural.
I really like talking to you.
You do?
Yeah.
I'm glad.
Have you ever seen the movie The Graduate?
No.
No? Oh.
Darn it. It's, like,
my favorite movie of all time.
What's it about?
Um...
Well, I mean, it's...
There's a lot of things that it's about.
I-I mean, who are the, um...
who are the main characters?
Well, there's...
the Mrs. Robinson character,
and she meets a guy just out of college.
It's a good movie.
Oh, wow.
That was wonderful.
No, I-I really mean it.
It was... it was wonderful.
Whoa.
Yes. It was wonderful.
Aw...
How long do you think it would
be before we could do it again?
Well, uh...
Take me to the bedroom.
Oh, uh... well, we're-we're in it.
- Huh?
- This is it.
We're... Is it not...?
- It's more of a studio space.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I-I like it. I like it. I mean, it's, uh...
- Yeah, it's cute. It's cute.
- Good. I mean, I...
- No.
- I can do whatever you...
Oh, my God.
My-my mother's not a criminal.
- Not yet.
- What do you mean?
Well, one of my associates
put something on my cell phone
lets me track your mother's hotel bill.
- Are you serious?
- Mm-hmm.
That's an unconscionable
violation of privacy.
- Can I see it?
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God!
- Don't do that. Please don't do that.
That is not my mother.
Somebody must have stolen her identity.
Look, maybe it'd be better
if you didn't come.
You just try and stop me.
Okay, then what happens
if she tries and makes a-a break for it?
Are you gonna shoot her?
I don't need a gun.
Oh, why not?
She's a retired schoolteacher.
She's capable of anything.
I have my Kubotan.
- Your what?
- My Kubotan.
I've seen that. It's a girlie thing.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is. I saw an infomercial on it.
- You keep it in your purse.
- That's not true.
Yes, it is. It's a girlie weapon.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't. Stop. Stop saying that.
- Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
- Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
- Stop saying that. Just get...
Make your wife get in the car, please.
I told you it's off, didn't I?
I want nothing to do with it. Oh, come on.
It's only a bottle of wine.
He's bound to be sympathetic.
Chandler.
Hear that, Operator.
Paris Stock Exchange immediately.
Lacey.
Yes?
Is that Mrs. Eva Fenton?
Yes.
You have kind of a deep voice for a woman.
That's a very personal
observation, young man.
Who is it?
- Mrs. Fenton?
- Yes.
My name's Darryl Forbes.
I'm with Beneficial Life Insurance,
European branch.
I think you know why I'm here.
Sir, I think there must be
some huge mistake here.
I'll say. Your lady friend here
is big news on the Internet.
She cashed a $5 million check
that didn't belong to her.
I don't understand.
I was confused.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to
ask you to come with me, ma'am.
But-but the check was in my name.
Well, that ends the discussion.
You're free to leave, sir.
But I knew that it wasn't really mine.
I appreciate your honesty.
I'll come quietly.
Uh, what are you doing?
Aren't you gonna handcuff me?
Oh, surely there's no need for handcuffs.
I don't have any handcuffs.
Are you going to arrest me?
Yes. No. Look.
Either you come with me back to the States,
or I'll have to present my evidence
to the Spanish authorities
and begin extradition procedures.
It could take months, and
in the meantime, you would be
transported to the Centro Penitenciario
para Mujeres de Algeciras in Cdiz,
the single most vicious
female prison population
in the entire Spanish-speaking world.
Would you be interested to know
that, uh, Mrs. Fenton has approximately
400,000 euros worth of chips in her safe?
I don't take bribes, sir.
Although that's a lot of money, yes.
But, look, I-I think I deserve
anything that I get.
Although I don't...
I don't want my daughter
to see me in the slammer.
You have a daughter?
Yes.
I'm-I'm really torn.
How's your back, honey?
Good.
Better.
- Yeah?
- Oh, wow!
Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, no, yeah.
Um, my lower back went out.
But I'll be fine once I get flat.
- Oh!
- Oh, no.
Is there anything I can do?
Maddie...
you were incredible.
It's why my back went out.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I never knew it could be like that.
- Wow.
- Yeah. I should have limbered up first.
Talking hurts.
I'm sorry.
Well, what do you know?
Just relax. I told the babysitter
just keep Tommy and Kat
away from the microwave
- and it's gonna be all right.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you. 'Cause I just...
Hi. I-I'm sorry.
I, uh... I just wanted to tell you that
I saw you in the casino the other night,
and, uh, well, I reall...
I didn't think you spoke English.
Excuse me?
Isn't your name Michelle?
No. It-It's... it's Pam.
You're not...
Lacey Chandler's ex-wife?
Who?
400,000 and 450,000 euros.
Gracias.
Here you go.
I want you to understand that I still think
what you did was very wrong.
- Oh...
- Listen, Ford...
- Forbes.
- Well, listen, Forbes.
What I want from you is your word
that you'll leave this woman alone.
- Please.
- Tell 'em she got away.
Not unless she's out of the country
before my boss gets here.
There's a flight to Casablanca at midnight.
If you're not on it, I'll have to tell
my boss that you tried to bribe me.
That-that sounds fair.
Lacey, I'm so... I'm just...
- I-I'm so...
- Oh, you're all right.
You're safe now.
I have to find Maddie and apologize.
I'll just pack a few things and
I'll see you at the front desk.
- What for?
- Oh, I'm coming with you.
Costa Rica's no place for two lone ladies.
But w-we're not going to Costa Rica.
What about Casablanca?
There's a flight leaves at 12:00.
It's not as nice as Costa Rica,
but it's only a three-hour flight.
Oh, yes.
Oh.
Let's do it.
I'll see you at the front desk.
Lacey Chandler.
I think he's a con man, and I think
he's trying to swindle my friend.
- Maddie?
- Eva?
We are going to Casablanca.
Listen, Chandler is a con man!
I bribed an insurance agent, and I...
You didn't give him any money, did you?
- What?
- What?
He's not a con man. No, no.
He's taking us to Casablanca.
Oh, Eva. Wake up.
Come on. He might still be downstairs.
Crystal!
- Mom! Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!
What are you doing here?
What have you done to your hair?
You look fantastic!
- You think this is okay?
- Hi! Crystal!
A little flashy?
- No, no, no, it's perfect.
- It looks great.
- Oh, I'm so happy to see you.
- Tell her it looks great.
I'm sorry.
- I'm Agent Vespucci.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
This is Special Agent Vespucci
from Beneficial Life.
- Oh.
- Oh.
He's here about the money.
Oh, but I just...
bribed the man from Beneficial Life.
- Excuse me?
- You did what?
- Do you mean Chandler?
- No, Forbes.
- Who's Chandler?
- Your mom's new beau.
- Well...
- He's a con man.
- He's her what and he's a what?
- Who's Forbes?
Well, I thought you were his boss.
Can we sit down somewhere?
Whew. You know what?
This is really, really, nice.
Yeah.
Uh, Mrs. Fenton, I-I think
you've been the victim of a scam.
You think?
Mrs. Reynolds, I hear a lot of sarcastic
remarks in my line of work,
and they really don't affect me,
so please don't waste your time.
Actually, I think that they
really do hurt his feelings.
What about Lacey?
I think he was part of the whole scam.
And unfortunately,
since your hotel bill and your purchases
are more than 200,000 euros,
I must to ask you to come back with me.
What about that money you won gambling?
I gave that to Forbes.
Well, then Forbes must be
in league with Chandler.
Does this mean that I don't
have to go to Casablanca?
Casablanca's playing?
Well, it's always playing somewhere.
No, no, it's a city in Morocco.
See, she's completely confused.
You can't arrest her.
That-that would be like
executing a retarded person.
- Crystal!
- I mean, a really, really sweet one.
- What the hell is that?
- Uh, it's me.
It's "Ride of the Valkyries."
Oh, you've got to change that.
I-I don't know how.
Could-could you...
Hello?
Hi. Hi, Papa. It's Chen Lau.
- Oh, shit.
- Okay, close your eyes,
because I want to show you
a super great surprise.
Well, I-I'm right in the middle
of something now.
- I gonna have to hang up.
- No, don't hang up.
No, no, no, please, please.
- Oh, look at that!
- Now comes a special happy surprise!
Hi, Daddy.
- Vicky.
- Oh, look at her.
- Is that your daughter?
- That's so sweet.
- Yeah.
- She's pretty.
Come to China for your birthday! Our treat.
We bought you a round-trip
ticket for anytime you want.
We save up plenty box tops
from Chinese noodles.
Oh, that is the sweetest thing
I have ever heard.
They frickin' love you.
Vicky, honey, I-I'm gonna
have to call you back.
I'm in the middle of something.
- But...
- Don't...
What's the matter?
Don't you like your present?
Don't hang up.
May I have just one moment, please?
Oh.
Mr. Vespucci?
Yeah?
I-I know what it is to feel
estranged from your daughter.
You do?
Yes, I do.
And I also know
how much she really loves you.
Oh!
Okay.
Mrs. Fenton, you're under arrest.
- What?
- Are you kidding?
I-I understand.
What if she can get the money back?
How would she do that?
Bix.
El Seor Everett Bix.
He's always in the hotel trying
to seduce the rich ladies.
Everybody likes Mr. Bix.
Your Mr. Bix stole 450,000 euros.
- That's not all.
- Shut up.
And this man here is Raymond Farragut.
He and Mr. Bix work for Carlos Variola.
Don Carlos is the richest man
in Gran Canaria.
He sells the most expensive
wines in the world.
Then why did he steal from me?
Those two took 450,000 euro
that Eva won fair and square
playing blackjack the other night.
If we could find this guy, uh, Carlos,
we could get the money back,
and then Eva wouldn't have to go to jail.
- Just a minute.
- Yes.
We're not finding anyone.
I have Mrs. Fenton in custody,
and I'm taking her back home.
You would send her to jail when there's
a chance she wouldn't have to go?
- There is no chance.
- Oh, wow!
Where can we find him?
Um, excuse me. I'm terribly sorry.
Could you please help us find him?
I-I'm sorry, but I really cannot allow this.
I'm going to have to ask you to
come with me now to the airport.
Okay, okay, we'll go to the airport.
- We'll ask the police to find Carlos.
- Yes.
And when they get the money back,
they can send it to us in Madrid.
- Yes, yes.
- Oh.
- Hey, Chip!
- Maddie, hey. Ow!
Oh, Chip.
That sounds fair.
Don't you think that's fair?
- Yes, yes, it's fair.
- It is fair.
No, I think that that sucks.
We should be looking for Carlos.
- No.
- I think you suck.
- Taxi, seoras?
- Taxi, si.
Wait, wait, wait. So this is it?
- What about my mom's stuff?
- It's all got to be
confiscated, and I will make
the arrangements from Madrid.
You suck.
Would you mind not saying that anymore?
It undermines my authority.
You have no authority because you suck.
Crystal, I am so sorry. Really, honey.
First, you lost your father, and now...
- Mom...
- Tell him we're going to the airport.
- I'm so... all right.
- Come on, get in the taxi.
Get in the taxi. Okay.
Just get the bags in the trunk, okay?
- Crystal, you ride in the back.
- Bags in the trunk.
Thanks a lot.
Close the door.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Hang on. Flight risk!
- Flight risk!
- Mom?
- Prisa, prisa, prisa.
- Prisa, prisa, prisa.
- Whew, I think we lost him.
- Okay.
Where can I take you ladies tonight?
Uh, Haciendas...
uh, Hacienda Siesta Alegre.
No, please.
I have a wife, three children,
and my little boy...
he-he requires an operation.
Conduzca el maldito coche!
Si.
Okay.
Let's go.
We should have a plan.
I totally agree.
But do you have one?
Because you seem like you had one.
No. I had a goal.
I still have a goal.
But I think we need a plan.
So do I.
But you don't have one.
- No.
- Mm-hmm.
Would you mind to get out, please?
You know, in-in The Wizard of Oz,
what is that thing that they do
when they tried to get into
the Wicked Witch's castle?
The Lion... he dress up like
the Wicked Witch's guardian,
but-but his tail, it's sticking out,
make the whoosh, the whoosh from his behind.
Now leave the taxi!
What's he saying?
- He want you to get out from the taxi now.
- He wants us to get out from the taxi.
- Now?
- Now.
No, no, no. You're absolutely right.
- What's he saying?
- He's saying I have to pay
the taxicab driver because
he's got to make a living, too.
- What's he saying?
- That I should give him
a very good tip,
but no more than ten percent.
No, it's okay.
That's okay. No charge.
You've woken the baby!
We are here to talk to Mr. Chandler.
No, no!
Mr. Bix and Mr. Farragut.
- Bix and Farragut.
- Mr. Forbes.
- Otherwise known as...
- Definitely Mr. Chandler.
- And-and someone Forbes.
- Oh, stop it.
I'm afraid there is
no one here by those names.
But since you ladies are trespassing...
Carlos?
Yes, my angel?
Not now, please.
We have guests from America.
Oh, hello there. Hola.
- Hello.
- This is my wife, Flavia.
- I bet it's his second.
- Tell me something, seoras.
When it's bedtime for a baby in America,
and the baby cannot sleep,
is it common to fire machine guns
right outside of the goddamn window
of the goddamn nursery room,
when you tell your husband
700 times to shoot the gun out in the jungle
so that his wife can get some sleep?
Not where we're from.
- Flavia...
- I'm not talking to you!
Eh, sorry, cario.
I thought you were talking to me indirectly.
When I'm speaking to you indirectly,
I'll tell it to your face.
I didn't fire any guns!
It was your idiot brother!
Leave him alone!
Yeah, he-he's not a very good guard.
Oh, shut up.
Could we please talk about this later?
No, Carlos Variola de las Canarias.
Change the diaper once!
Just one time without asking for help from me,
from your mother, from your sisters,
from the nannies... which I know exactly
what you're doing with those nannies...
one time by yourself,
then we can talk about it later.
Can you believe that I left my wife for her?
Because you're the mother of my child,
I won't avenge this insult.
You're not man enough to avenge an insult.
You're a little sissy man.
Did she say "sissy" or "pussy"?
What?
Forgive me.
My wife... she has postpartum depression.
Hmm.
Perhaps you will care to join me
for a glass of wine.
What is he doing?
Seor?
Hold it, hold it.
- Okay.
- Whoa, what are you doing, pal?
- Okay, Hacienda Siesta Alegre?
- Yeah.
It's right up that road. Enjoy your evening.
No, but according to this,
that's still a half a mile
in the jungle and a couple of dirt roads.
So, taking us or not?
Uh, no.
Damn it.
Gracias.
I would like my-my money now, please.
Because otherwise I will end up in the pokey.
I-I'm telling you, your money's not here.
How much does wine like this sell for?
Ah, these bottles of wine are
the most expensive in the world.
Yeah?
This one over here. Look.
Chteau Margaux.
This one is worth over
a quarter of a million dollars.
Wow.
Oh, that's too much.
Quarter of a million dollars?
Um, what do you do, just...
I mean, do you just die and go
to heaven when you drink it?
No. They are terrible.
- They are? Really?
- Yeah.
See? This belongs to the vineyard
of the Johanna van Beethoven,
the younger brother of the great composer.
It stinks.
- It does?
- Yeah.
So why do they buy it?
Because they like the labels.
Oh, Eva, look!
Here's a Spanish wine
from the estate of Christopher Columbus.
I'm afraid that somewhat you are mixed up.
Oh, well.
Are you out of your mind?
No, you crazy woman!
Stop! Stop!
You take your hands off her, you cheap crook!
No, not the Chteau Margaux!
- We want her money.
- I stole it, but I need it back now.
I swear, I don't have your money!
I have listened to your bullshit for much
longer than I want to listen to bullshit.
I didn't teach tenth grade students
for 35 years for nothing.
I could tell when they were lying even when
- they didn't know it.
- Bix! Farragut!
- Whoa, what the hell is going on?
- Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
- Put that away!
- Do what she says!
Look who's here.
Eve...
- and Minnie.
- Maddie.
Now, I want my money now!
Is that man holding a machine gun?
Don't worry. I've got my Kubotan.
Ooh!
- Wow.
- Maddie?
Ooh!
Eva, I feel... kind of...
No!
- Maddie!
- Mom!
Stay put.
Maddie. Oh, my God.
One down, one to go.
Call an ambulance, or shoot me!
But don't just stand there! She's sick!
- Do what she says.
- Really? Shoot her?
Call an ambulance!
- What's wrong with you?
- Don't die, Maddie. Don't die.
Uh, I'm not gonna, uh, die.
I just fainted. I mean...
- Okay.
- I guess I'll die eventually.
Don Carlos, I heard a scream!
I was worried...
Hey! Get away from Don Carlos' wine!
Maddie, come.
Now, will somebody please explain to me
what the hell is going on here?
I explain.
For years, I sell these crazy bottles
to billionaires to impress their friends.
Mr. Bix... he sells
the wine for me.
Ladies and gentlemen,
from the wine cellar of Thomas Jefferson,
courtesy of Don Carlos Variola
de la Gran Canaria,
Chteau Lafite.
Open, please.
Thank you.
I gave him 30 days to pay me back
or I would fire him.
That's why you took my money?
I know that you maybe have to do
some jail time,
but it's better you than me.
Shame on you, Carlos Variola.
Would you repeat that again?
Shame on you, Carlos Variola.
Yes, but with feeling.
Shame on you, Carlos Variola!
It's true.
What? What's true?
- It's Mrs. Fenton.
- Who?
Are you not Mrs. Eva Fenton
from Liberty, Illinois?
Yes.
I'm Carlos Variola, the exchange
student from Mallorca.
Y-You teach me in the tenth grade.
Social studies.
You don't remember me?
You were my favorite teacher.
I was?
- Well, thank you.
- She never gets tired of hearing that.
Mrs. Fenton, I will return the money
that Mr. Bix and Mr. Farragut
took from you to pay me back.
Wow.
Okay, that's it, I'm done.
I'm taking the baby, the nanny
and my brother and going back to Brazil.
I'll say this to everyone.
I could have been on the cover of Vogue.
I grew up with an IQ of 175, but all
my life did I ever meet a man who said,
"Hello, cutie pie, what's your IQ"?
- Well, no, probably never, never.
- Never.
- Not even if they're curious.
- And all that happened
because I grew this gorgeous tit and this
perfect ass and this beautiful face.
Did any of the men
in my life say, "Tell me, Flavia,
what's your favorite opera
from the Ring Cycle by Wagner?"
- They all suck.
- And he was a Nazi.
- No, they say...
- "I love your ass."
- Yeah!
- "Dress up like a nurse."
- Exactly!
- "Make noises like a bear."
- What?
- Huh?
- Did he really say that?
- Shh.
Carlos, just a minute.
That's Eva Fenton.
Can we not just cut him loose?
So I have $215,000 left?
Just about.
- Then why don't we just stay here?
- Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible.
Half the money belongs to you, Maddie.
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
No.
Yes.
Eva... no.
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes.
You're gonna need it.
I don't know, I think maybe
I'll stay a couple more days.
Am I missing something?
- Will you come back?
- Will you come back?
I don't think so.
You sure?
Do you think I'm crazy?
No.
No.
Oh, my...
Thank you. Thank you for everything.
Cariito.
Okay. No.
Okay.
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny.
This summer, Papa,
you and Eva, come to China.
Yes, this summer,
Eva and I will come to China.
Yes.
Champagne for everyone. Don't be shy.
It's the good stuff,
all the way from Milwaukee.
You big softy.
"He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
"He leadeth me beside the still waters.
"Yea, though I walk through the
valley of the shadow of death,
"I will fear no evil, for though art with me.
"My rod and my staff, they comfort me.
"Thou preparest a table before me
in the presence of mine enemies.
"Thou anointest my head with oil.
"My cup runneth over.
"Surely goodness and mercy shall
follow me aell the days in my life.
And I will dwell in the house
of the Lord forever."
Reality of death, with all its pain...
Ben...
Ben, maybe you should take her home.
- I can't leave.
- But you can. It's all right.
Honey, it really is.
- I just feel so bad for you.
- I know.
- It's all right.
- He was so healthy.
Well...
I would... oh, God...
- Why don't you just get her out of here.
- No, no.
- I actually have to go.
- No.
I'm...
I'm okay. Sorry.
...to understand what has happened.
That concludes our service.
I've been asked by the family to announce
that food and refreshments will be served
at the Fenton household at 1210 Oak Drive.
- Honey.
- What are you gonna do now?
I don't know.
I mean, you have no one now. No one.
- I have you.
- No, it's not the same.
Pull yourself together, please.
I mean, where are you gonna live?
Well, I was... I would like to live at home.
Without Daddy?
Maybe we can talk about this later.
I have to go to the office.
Are you okay to drive?
Uh, I'm... Clarissa will take me.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
- This sucks.
- Yeah.
Oh, dear, why do they say
he's in a better place?
H-How do they know?
They're all just so self-absorbed.
You know, I know Frank wasn't
a perfect person, but...
I'm scared to be alone now.
Me, too. Me, too.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, Maddie.
- Oh, geez.
- Oh, honey. Oh.
It's all right. It's all right.
I'm not crying about Frank.
You're not?
Huh? Oh, yes, I am.
Oh, Eva, of course I am.
But that's not all of it.
I think Ben is having an affair.
Really?
With that little brunette that types
on the computers in his office.
- Oh, the secretary.
- That's the one.
I thought she was so sweet to come today.
Oh, come on. Eva, I mean...
Jesus, who brings
their secretary to a funeral?
Well, I hadn't thought about that.
Yeah, well, did you see how
everybody was looking at her?
Well, s-some of us were
looking at the coffin.
Well, yeah, I know that.
But, I mean... after that.
After that.
- You are so brave.
- Yes.
I'm sorry, did I say "yes"?
- Yes.
- Well, I meant "no."
- Oh, no.
- Oh.
- He's in a better place.
- Thank you.
I don't know what to say to these people.
I don't feel brave,
and I don't know what to say.
Just say "thank you." And you are brave, Eva.
- And what do they know?
- Eva.
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh.
- Thank you, Jill.
- Jean.
- Jeans.
- Just "Jean."
- Just one "Jean."
- Oh.
I'm just a little confused.
Her husband just died.
You're so brave.
- Thank you.
- How would you know?
- No.
- Oh. I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Um, I'm sorry.
Just remember, he's in a better place.
Yes, I hope so.
She seems nice.
- Mom.
- Oh, hi, honey.
Um, this is Monique Windsor.
- Hi, Monique.
- I'm so sorry for your loss.
- Thank you.
- And I just love your house.
- Oh, thanks.
- She thinks that
she can get you something
in the low six figures.
- I don't understand.
- Of course, it'll need a little
sprucing up, but we can
talk about that later.
- Sprucing up?
- Nothing big.
I-I helped her pick out the drapes.
No, I'm very confused here.
- It's kind of like getting ready for a date.
- What to?
Monique is the realtor that
I've been telling you about.
And she made the string bean casserole.
God, somebody actually made that.
- Maddie.
- What she's trying to say is that
if you fix it up a little bit,
you can get a little bit more.
It's usually just little things.
- But we don't have to rush.
- The floral wallpaper.
Oh, the floral wallpaper in
the... in the dining room. Hmm.
Mom, it's old and stained.
It's just like putting lipstick on.
Putting it on what?
We can talk about this later.
- That's a good idea.
- Um, how 'bout I show you
the maid's quarters?
Not that there ever was a maid.
She's right. It's old and it's stained.
I'd like to make her eat this shit.
It's your stained wallpaper. It's your house.
You can do whatever you want.
It was Crystal's idea,
and we were having trouble
with the mortgage payments
after he got sick anyway.
But what about his life insurance?
$50,000. How am I going to live on that?
And he sold so many tires.
I know.
Where are you gonna live?
Crystal's picked it out.
It's called Sunset Vista.
And it's 20 miles south of Belleville,
and its slogan is:
"Out of sight, out of mind."
I wonder what Ben's life insurance is.
Mrs. Fenton?
- Yes.
- Hi.
This is the nicest potluck wake
I have ever been to.
Oh. Well, thank you.
You don't recognize me, do you?
No, I'm sorry.
Laurie Pinkerton.
- Tenth grade history?
- Oh, my goodness.
Laurie Pinkerton. How you've grown.
You were always my favorite teacher.
I never, never get tired of hearing that.
By the way, Mrs. Fenton,
do you know my dad, Greg Pinkerton?
You might have seen him around town.
He's a veteran. He lost a leg to diabetes.
He used to drink like a crazy person, but
he has been on the wagon now for six years.
Oh, well, he sounds very colorful.
Anyway, his third wife just passed away.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- How many legs did she have?
I-I guess what I'm trying to say is,
he's very lonely, and he always
thought you were so pretty.
Oh. We never met.
In my yearbook photos.
Well, that... that was many,
many years ago, dear.
Well, anyway, I was... I was just thinking...
- Get out!
- Shush, Maddie.
Oh, I don't know what I'm saying.
He's just so lonely.
And you say he's just got the one leg?
Well, for the moment, yeah.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Fenton.
This should be your day.
I thought so, too.
Triglycerides, 83. HDL, 40.
Your LDL, 122. Might want to cut down
on the red meats and dairy.
But, all in all, you're in great shape.
Charlie, do you have a test for Alzheimer's?
Yes. But why would you be interested?
Because yesterday
I walked out of the ladies' room
at the Starlight Diner
and I made the wrong turn
and I ended up in the kitchen.
Is that normal?
What'd you have for breakfast this morning?
Uh, two poached eggs, homemade grape jam
over one slice of seven-grain bread.
Mrs. Fenton, your mind is
a steel trap. Now go away.
Charlie, do you mind if I pay
you on the first of the month?
I really hate to ask.
- Of course. Don't worry about it.
- Thank you.
You know, you were
the best teacher I ever had.
Thank you.
And I never get tired of hearing that.
- You know what I always remember?
- What's that?
How you would talk about
Christopher Columbus.
Well, he was so awful.
Yeah, but you always had a way
of making it come alive.
Okay, he was brave.
How he had the wind on the deck,
the fear of the unknown...
The genocide of the Indians.
Well, yeah, that, too.
- Thank you, Doc.
- Well... How's Maddie Reynolds doing?
- She's fine.
- Yeah?
She holding up okay?
I'm sorry?
Oh, no. Just... tell her I said hi.
No, wait. Wh-What's wrong with her?
Uh, just tell her I said hi.
Maddie, what is the matter with you?
Well, I could stand to lose ten pounds.
- Maddie...
- And weird as it may sound,
I mean, some people find me depressing.
- Please.
- While others envy me for my fantastic figure.
- Please tell me.
- And still others
leave me for their secretaries.
He left you?
He packed up his clothes
and moved in with Clarissa's 25-year-old ass.
Oh, my.
Do you know how great my ass was?
It's still the envy of the town.
Not anymore.
Pull yourself together.
- You know what really kills me?
- I don't want to know.
What... does she see in him?
Hi.
What can I get for you ladies today?
Would you... date someone in their 60s?
I'm sorry?
Uh, French toast... that really looked good.
I mean, would you go out
with a man in his 60s?
It's a simple question.
- Um...
- It was challah French toast, yes?
Am I pronouncing that correctly?
I mean, just give me an answer because
my husband just left me for someone
who could be your twin.
Oh, my God.
Are you Maddie Reynolds?
Yeah.
My friend Clarissa just moved in
with your ex-husband.
Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God.
- We should have a Spanish omelet now.
It's really awkward. I am really sorry.
She is such a bitch.
I thought you said she was your friend.
Well, yeah...
What does she see in him?
H-He kind of looks like Patrick Stewart?
What?
No.
I mean, it takes him an hour in the bathroom,
no matter why he has to go.
He's got a gut.
He has no muscle tone left.
He's losing all his hair.
He uses Viagra.
Now, none of this is his fault, but...
why isn't your friend Chad moving in with me?
We need to just take a minute.
I don't have any friends named Chad.
And second of all, I mean,
I think old faces are beautiful.
I don't know why you're
so uptight about your age.
We'd like to have the two
breakfast specials, please.
Thank you very much, and then you can go.
I am so sick of taking the blame
for Clarissa's bullshit.
Thank you so much, and you please go away.
Now, why... isn't my hot young secretary
moving in with me when I've got
one foot in the grave, huh?
What does that mean?
It's nothing, it's nothing.
You're my best friend
for 40 years and I love you,
and I need to know what it is
that's going on.
Do you remember, uh, when I went
to Myrtle Beach in South Carolina?
Yes.
Well, I didn't really go there.
Where'd you go?
Johns Hopkins Hospital in Maryland.
What about all those...
sights from the Civil War?
The... you sounded so knowledgeable.
Wikipedia.
I'm okay. It's all fine.
Is it, really?
Yes, and six months from now,
it may still be fine.
Six months?
There's even a 20% chance...
that it'll be great.
20 percent?
And until then, they have done
everything that they can possibly do,
and I never want to talk about this again.
I'm glad you told me.
I told you nothing.
All right, dear.
Here comes Greg Pinkerton.
Big Laurie's father?
He's coming over here.
Well, just say hi.
I mean, legs aren't everything.
Eva Fenton?
Oh, yes, hello.
I'm Greg Pinkerton.
I hear you got a little crush on me.
No.
So, Mom, Luke and I brought you a present.
Oh, thank you. This is quite beautiful.
What is this?
Well, we were watching this infomercial...
Oh.
...and we said to ourselves,
"That is something she should really have."
You wear it around your neck.
See, if anything happens,
you press the button and it connects you
directly to the paramedics.
Ah.
So, what's wrong with the telephone?
Well, what if you couldn't get to the
telephone because you were incapacitated?
I mean, you could totally be incapacitated.
Yeah, it would take you days
to crawl to the telephone.
- And then what if the battery was dead?
- By the time you got there.
Well, I could try to crawl to the kitchen,
where I have one on a hook.
But, Mom, there was this old woman,
and she fell in her bathtub,
- and if her daughter hadn't come by...
- Mm-hmm.
...she would have totally died.
Life Alert saves lives from catastrophe...
...every ten minutes.
I know why this looks so familiar.
Mrs. Benson put one of these
on her dog, and he had really...
used to run away a lot,
and he had very bad arthritis
in his hind legs.
Now you see.
Older and bigger dogs, they get arthritis.
But, Mom, this is not for dogs.
Hmm.
It's for people.
You see, you have to push the button.
Doesn't work if you don't have
opposable thumbs.
Oh.
I see.
Certified letter for Eva Fenton.
Oh, thank you. You filling in for Pete?
Pete retired, moved to Orlando.
Really?
He seemed so young.
Pete, no.
I thought you said
the policy was for $50,000.
- It is.
- But this is more than that.
Oh, I know that, but look at the letter.
"Enclosed: Full payment
of the amount of $50,000."
Yeah, but this is more than that.
I know that.
This is $5 million.
I-I can count the zeros.
Whoa. Well, there must have been
some computer glitch.
I called the insurance company.
- And?
- Oh.
Welcome to Beneficial Life,
where your life matters.
To continue in English,
press one or say "English."
Para Espaol, oprima dos.
Representative.
For main menu, press one or say "Main menu."
Representative!
For automobile insurance, press one
or say "Automobile insurance."
For motorcycles and off-road
vehicles, press two or say
"Motorcycles and off-road vehicles."
For personal watercraft, press three
or say Personal watercraft."
For life insurance, press four
or say "Life insurance."
It's amazing, isn't it? Technology.
I'm sorry, I didn't get that.
- Maddie.
- What?
Welcome to Beneficial Life,
where your life matters.
What?
For personal watercraft,
press three or say "Personal watercraft."
I'm not gonna say a thing.
I'm sorry, I didn't get that.
For personal watercraft,
press three or say "Personal watercraft."
For life insurance, press four
or say "Life insurance."
Life insurance!
You have pressed four for life insurance.
Yes!
I'm sorry, I didn't get that.
No!
Life insurance.
- Press four.
- Life insurance.
Did you just say "Personal watercraft"?
For life insurance, press four
or say "Life insurance."
I'm sorry, I didn't get that.
I have a question about the policy.
Please ask your question,
then press the pound key.
- There, go on.
- Okay.
Um, my question is that, um, I don't think...
I don't think that I got the right amount
on my, on my husband's life insurance policy.
Press the pound key.
Pound. Okay.
Thank you for calling Beneficial
Life, where your life matters.
If you would like to speak
to a representative,
please say "Representative."
Representative!
Oh.
I'm sorry, all our representatives are
busy with other clients at this time.
Good-bye.
I'm shaking like a leaf.
Oh, come on, Eva,
you're not robbing the bank.
You're making a deposit.
But it's not my money, Maddie.
All you have to say is...
that you put it there for safekeeping
until the mistake was rectified.
Right?
But now what if it's a trap
and they arrest me?
You're old.
Tell them you were confused.
- Okay, so put your card in there.
- All the way?
- Really?
- Yeah. No, no.
Pull it out.
Five, zero, zero, zero...
- Mrs. Fenton?
- Oh!
It's me, Bernard Dyson.
Uh-huh.
I had you senior year.
You probably get this all the time,
Mrs. Fenton, but I just wanted to tell you...
You know, I do, and thank you,
and I never get tired of hearing it.
Sorry, she's just a little
nervous because her husband
- passed away recently and...
- My husband just died,
- and I was very nervous and I...
- I mean, and, uh, he was a machine.
- Maddie.
- This machine reminds her of him.
And he died of a, of a...
I don't know what I'm saying.
He was killed by a bank machine.
It's...
Sorry.
Uh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Fenton,
you go right ahead.
Thank you. Ask him where the check went.
- Did you do something wrong?
- No.
Well, did you put it in face up?
- Of course I put it in face up!
- Sorry.
- Take it.
- Hold on. Let me get you some help.
- Oh! No, no, no, no!
- Joyce. Joyce.
- No, it's okay.
- Don't bother with her.
Can we even deposit a check that size?
Mm.
It's an out-of-state check, so...
it may take up to three
business days to clear.
Oh, well, that-that's fine.
There's no rush.
Oh, dear.
What's the matter?
I don't know.
Oh, your toaster.
Oh, you...
Um, I-I left my toaster on.
She had bagels in it.
Oh, I'm sure it's popped up by now.
Yeah, but I forgot to slice the bagels.
And you know how bagels
are always getting stuck.
Yes.
Oh, was it a toaster oven?
No, no.
No, no, no, no, but it is...
Mrs. Fenton, in order to cash
a check this size, we have...
Mrs. Krims and...
Joyce.
...Joyce.
I have a very frayed chord on my, um...
- Toaster.
- ...on my toaster.
So I think I better take the check back.
There's no need for that.
I'll just call this bank
and, if the funds are there,
I'm sure we can clear a portion immediately.
Please don't. Please don't call.
Don't call, don't call.
It only takes a minute, dear.
After all, we're a bank.
The only thing you need to do...
is endorse it.
Oh, God.
Don't run. Just act normal.
Oh, will you get in?
I am getting in. I'm getting in.
Mrs. Fenton, wait!
I can explain.
I have never seen this woman
before in my life.
I'm sorry if I startled you.
I just called the bank in Connecticut
and talked to the manager,
and he's cleared the check.
- What?
- All of it?
Yes, it's an insurance company check,
so there's no problem.
The funds should show up online
by the time you get home.
You did the right thing.
If the insurance people call,
I can say, "Why? Look, it's right there."
I've got nothing to hide.
In the meantime, we can sit around
enjoying watching the money.
I could pay off Frank's hospital bills,
and the, um, dishwasher is broken.
Yeah, and with five million bucks,
you could even replace your shower curtain.
- Maddie?
- Hmm?
What would you do if it were your money?
If it was my money?
If it were my money.
- It is your money.
- No.
- If it were yours.
- If it was mine?
If it were your money,
not "was" your money, "were."
Oh, my grammar.
Right.
God, I don't know. I mean...
I'd go to the most
beautiful island in the world,
where no one ever goes.
Take all my clothes off
and throw them on a bonfire,
and just dance naked
with a dozen beautiful young men.
That sounds so horrible.
Yeah.
In truth, I'd drink mojitos
on the beach until my number's up.
Luticia, I need to get somebody
up here to fix these damn blinds.
I-I don't know how...
Surprise!
Oh, my goodness.
Make a wish.
I wish it was somebody else's birthday.
Alvin.
I've often wondered why you don't retire.
Oh, I wish I could.
- Oh?
- My daughter lives in China.
I fly her back here once a year to see me.
Plane fares are enormous.
I got a case right here.
If you nail this one, you can move to China.
Oh, I don't want to move to China.
- In the abstract.
- I feel very ill at ease there.
Alvin, we need to talk.
See, my daughter married
this Chinese boy that she met in school.
Alvin, open the file.
- Whose case is it?
- I'm giving that to you.
- To me?
- Yeah.
Uh, Eva Fenton.
Widow of, uh, Frank Fenton,
Liberty, Illinois.
Last week, Frank passed away.
Oh.
And on account of a computer error,
uh, we accidentally sent his widow
a check for $5 million on a $50,000 policy.
Holy shit!
- Yeah.
- That's some error.
Boy, I got to tell you, I won't lie to you.
It's the biggest screwup
ever to go through this office.
Uh, now-now you've been
with Beneficial, what, 30 some years?
- 38.
- 38 years.
No one wants to see your head on a stick.
Excuse me?
But if somebody's head's got to be
on a stick, better you than me.
Oh, uh, why should my head be on a stick?
Here's the situation, Alvin.
If we can't get that money back...
No, wh-why my head?
Why the stick?
You're the oldest investigator
in this office.
You could pull rank
and claim this case by rights.
- No, I would never do that.
- But if you did,
see, if you did and you didn't get
the money back, it wouldn't be my fault.
And maybe, just maybe I could keep my job.
Yeah, but why is it my head on the stick?
'Cause if that happened,
you would probably be fired.
Well, let's try another plan.
As an added incentive, you get four percent
commission on all the money you recover.
That is a lot of Chinese airplane tickets.
But what if she spent it all already?
That's the gamble.
- Can I refuse?
- No.
So how is it a gamble?
I am gambling on you.
I believe you can get that money back.
Because you understand
the mind-set of someone
who never made a difference.
Someone who-who grew old
between two mighty oceans,
but they never saw the sea.
Who-who are we talking about here, Randall?
You, Alvin, you.
So why are you so upset?
Because when I look at you,
I see what I might become.
Alvin, I need you to save my ass.
And maybe, maybe even your own.
You think she knows what she did?
Well, just remember, it takes a normal
person a long time to spend $5 million.
In my experience,
they can catch on pretty quickly.
Why don't I just spend all of it?
I wouldn't want you to do that.
I scrimped and saved my whole life.
Why don't I just have fun?
Spend the whole darn $5 million?
Well, if you're going to do that,
then you should officially give me half,
so I don't feel like
I'm sponging off you all the time.
Half is yours.
I love you, Eva.
I love you, too, Maddie.
Cariito.
What does that mean?
"Sweetheart."
Cariito.
This morning for your enjoyment,
we have the special champagne breakfast.
...then till you're done, and...
I mean, it only takes 30 minutes
and it was, it was really...
Ooh.
Why can't Europeans wear shorts
like normal people?
Come on, be nice, Maddie.
No, come on. Did you see that, huh?
Thank you, Paco.
- Es un placer, seoras.
- Seoritas.
We're seoritas.
Ah, seoritas.
Wow.
Well, he's cute.
Whew, I'd like to see him jump in.
No shit.
Oh, no.
Let's get out of here.
No, relax. Relax, Maddie.
Noisy lot.
Well, that's Klaus for you.
Would you mind terribly
if I introduced myself?
- Chandler's the name.
- Hi.
Lacey Chandler, English imports.
- Oh, are we in your seats?
- Hi.
- Beg your pardon?
- No, we're not in his seats.
- If we are, we can move...
- No.
- ...if these are your seats.
- We're not in his seats.
No, of course not. I just thought
I'd take the old bit by the horns
and introduce myself.
- To us?
- Yes, to us. Would you just...
That's so sweet.
I've always heard that...
people are friendlier in Spain.
Northwest Africa, actually.
Of course. What?
This place is closer to Northwest Africa
than it is to Spain.
What do you know?
And this isn't your first time
in the Canaries, is it?
- Uh, yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
My name is Lacey Chandler.
Would I be intruding if I introduce myself?
You just did.
So I did.
Must be the sun.
I'm Maddie Reynolds.
This is my friend Eva Fenton.
How do you do?
Would you like to sit down?
No, maybe he doesn't want to.
Well, maybe he wants to.
I don't...
I can't understand what's happening here.
How would you two charming young ladies
like to dine with me tonight?
- Oh, I'd love to be...
- No, we can't. I can't.
- We can.
- You quite sure?
- Positive. I have things...
- Yes.
- What?
- ...to do.
- We'd love to. We'd just lo...
- We have plans.
You sure about that?
- No, we absolutely don't.
- Really, I don't think we can.
What about 8:00 in the main dining room?
We would love to.
Splendid.
Enjoy your afternoon.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
All right.
So begins the report
of Investigator A.J. Vespucci
into case number 135276.
I'm not sure about that number.
I just rang the doorbell.
Nobody's home.
Fortunately, I anticipated this possibility,
and already located the not-so-hidden
hide-a-key under the mat.
Kitchen's spotless.
You could eat off the floor.
Maybe she, uh, cleaned house
just before she left.
Or maybe she's just a naturally tidy person.
My sister's very clean, but...
you can't have a conversation with her.
She's so negative.
Subject has a daughter, Crystal,
married to a Luke Morrison.
Daughter's smile seems very artificial to me.
Son-in-law looks unimpressive.
Bingo.
Letter from Beneficial Life.
Aw, very sad.
In conclusion...
Yeah, hello.
- Alvin. Tammy.
- Yeah, hi.
I had a couple of minutes,
so I looked up Mrs. Fenton for you.
She received a letter by certified mail,
deposited the check
and booked two first-class
tickets on Iberian Airlines
to Gran Canaria in the Canary Islands,
where she reserved the Presidential Suite
at the Lopesan Costa Meloneras Hotel.
Her room tab, to date,
is 27,428 U.S. dollars.
Look, I've got to run.
Oh, Alvin, good luck.
He did say 8:00.
- Maybe he did forget.
- How could he forget?
I mean, he introduced himself three times.
Do you think maybe there's
really something wrong with him?
Hello!
- Well.
- Good evening.
Oh.
Hope you like your gentlemen prompt.
- Oh, we do.
- But it's 9:30.
- Is it?
- Mm-hmm.
Goddamn, I'm still in Tokyo time.
Big international business deals, you know?
No, Tokyo, it's the middle of the night.
Yeah, well, they work so hard there.
Well, in that case, I think I might be early.
Oh, you're a doll.
I'm sorry I kept you waiting.
Would you help me make it up
to you by having dinner with me?
Of course.
That's why we're here.
- Oh, did you have plans?
- Yes, we had plans.
- No plans.
- Yes, we had plans.
- With you.
- Well, here I am. And I'm on time.
- Why don't we all have a drink.
- I've got a better idea.
Why don't we all have dinner.
Of course.
Oh, gosh.
So, first time in the Parakeets?
- He's demented, honey.
- Oh, come on.
So he mixes up a couple words.
I mean, who doesn't do that?
The accents, they keep changing.
Did he grow up on a transatlantic jet?
You know what your problem is, Eva?
You don't know how to have fun.
You know what your problem is?
Ha.
I apologize, ladies.
When business calls, nature answers.
No, that's not it. Just a minute.
- It's something else. I forget.
- Well, never mind.
You better eat that steak tartare
before it gets cold.
Well, somebody better.
- Would you like some more wine?
- Well, more wine than what?
Yes, more wine. Much more than we can afford.
Would you like some wine, my dear?
- No, thank you, thank you.
- Are you sure?
Come on.
Where the hell do you come from, anyway?
Sounds like you grew up
in some transatlantic shipyard.
Airplane.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
What's the matter?
- It can't be.
- What?
You don't understand.
My ex-wife is over there.
What's she doing here?
Of all the rotten luck.
That's your ex-wife?
Yes, that's her over there.
What went wrong?
- Me, I think.
- Oh.
I was mad to think I could keep her.
Oh.
No, no, no, you're a nice person, and very...
- That's terrible.
- ...handsome and interesting and sweet.
- Really sweet.
- I'm sorry, the shock of it all.
You'll have to excuse me.
Wow.
That's...
She's not that great.
Thank you.
Oh, look who's there.
I really must apologize.
- Oh, no, it's okay.
- We understand.
Oh, you're too kind.
- Have you seen the casino?
- I think we should have another drink.
- Huh? What?
- What?
Well, that's decided.
Now, the great thing is to let yourselves go.
Don't hold back, it's only money.
Oh, not funny.
Maddie, you are making a fool
out of yourself.
Here comes trouble.
Oh, no, that's okay.
Sh-She probably won't even notice me.
Hello, Michelle.
Well, that was rude.
That's okay, darling.
She doesn't speak English, only French.
My own little offering.
Oh, come on, Lacey Pants.
- Now, how much is that?
- $10,000.
- Is that good or bad?
- It's bad.
Then why are we happy?
'Cause we don't care.
Honey, don't you think you've had enough?
Let's-let's go to bed now.
Oh, just one more little spin.
See? Just one more little spin.
What do you say you and I try something
a little more dangerous?
I've never played this before.
Thirty-six.
Uh, twenty-three.
Eighteen!
Tell her to split the aces.
Uh, I would like to split the aces, please.
That's right.
This right?
Oh, split the aces again.
Again? Where do I put...?
Do it again. That's it.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Oh, oh, excellent.
Hit me.
- But madame has 18.
- Do it anyway.
What happened?
We are leaving.
You are cursing our monies.
Oh.
Sorry, ma'am.
Blackjack.
Eva, I'm begging you to stop now.
- Stop.
- All right. Oh, all right.
Can I have a bag for this?
Aw, the poor thing.
Oh, Maddie.
Put her in here, please.
Just put her on the bed, thank you.
Thank you.
Okay, just a minute, please.
- Muchas gracias.
- Muchas gracias, seora.
Muchas gracias.
Wait, wait, okay.
Okay.
I'm sure she'll be all right now,
but thank you so very, very much.
I hope you're not going to leave that there.
Oh, goodness, I forgot to cash them.
- Shall I put it in the safe?
- How nice. Thank you so much.
It's in the little corner around there.
It's got the combination beside it.
Are you free tomorrow?
- Yes.
- I thought I'd show you Las Palmas.
It's very interesting.
We should go in the morning.
You know, let me do that.
But I can do that.
Oh. Oh, you did it.
Oh, of course. I'm sorry, yeah.
Oh, don't be silly.
Thank you so much.
Eva, you won a lot of money
at the ponies tonight.
You got to promise me
you won't be careless with it.
I promise.
It wasn't the ponies, was it?
It was blackjack.
Oh, well, shall we call it a night, then?
I guess so.
Lacey.
Everyone forgets things.
I forget things, we all do.
You're very kind.
And very beautiful.
Thank you.
So you're saying that my mother cashed
a $5 million check
that doesn't belong to her?
Endorsed it, deposited it, and, at this
minute, is drawing money on the account.
Well, maybe not at this minute.
They're five hours ahead of us
in the Canary Islands.
Look, Mr....
My name is not what matters here.
Yeah, but what is it?
Alvin J. Vespucci.
- Like the explorer?
- Right.
- Is that any family relation?
- I don't know.
Uh, my father always claimed we were
descendants, but he was very grandiose.
I'm sorry, can we get back on track here?
Well, my father and I had a very
difficult relationship, but...
I was never very good at sports,
and he somehow felt personally emasculated.
How about we call the insurance company
and see if you really work there?
There's really no need for that.
Now, I'm going after your mother,
and I'd like you to come with me.
Obviously, she is a decent person,
but she seems very lonely to me,
and I'm frankly concerned about her judgment.
Hi.
How are you feeling?
Like a fat drunk.
You're not fat, Maddie.
Thanks.
Wow, you're all gussied up.
Lacey said he would show us
around the island.
- Both of us?
- Of course.
Ah, that's okay, Eva, you go.
My head is pounding.
I don't want to go without you.
I want you to go.
Well, he's just going to show us
ar... me around the island.
Obviously, he isn't into younger women.
So go. Have fun.
God sakes.
Have sex.
How long has it been?
No, I don't want to have sex with anybody.
Seven years.
What?
Geez, wow.
Well, Frank, he was a very loving man,
but he was not passionate.
- Wow.
- Well, when is the last time
you had anything with Ben?
I don't want to talk about that.
I thought you said he was a fire hose.
He was.
He was just spraying it everywhere else.
And, you know, I am a very sexual person.
Yes, Maddie, I-I do know that.
So go have sex with him before he
forgets how to speak English at all.
Come on, take one for the team.
Oh, God, I feel so silly.
But, oh, you look great.
I do?
Evie, you look great.
So this is where Columbus came to pray
before he set out to discover the Americas?
No, no, not exactly.
The original church fell down,
and this church was built on the same site
but 300 years later.
But he was in the vicinity.
Well, yes.
And it's from this very spot that he
set sail to discover the Americas.
Yes, but when he discovered America,
he thought he had found India.
That's why our Native Americans
are called Indians.
You know what they say about Columbus?
They say he didn't know where he was going,
and then when he got back, he
didn't know where he had been.
Oh, I know that feeling.
Don't we all.
Okay.
Well...
you're a damn fine-looking woman, Maddie.
- Buenas tardes, seora.
- Buenas tardes.
Are you joining someone?
Yes. Yes.
Uh, if you see a...
a tall, dark, handsome guy between...
the ages of... 21 and 55,
broad shoulders, slim waist,
big wide feet, I'll be at the bar.
So keep your eyes open. Comprende?
Muy bien. Gracias.
Yeah.
- Eve...
- No, Eva.
Oh. Eva.
How would you like to go back to the hotel?
You see...
If I was 30 years younger,
I could pad the way a little more.
And waste even more time.
We could go for a drive instead.
I'd feel so foolish.
It's just nerves.
Maddie?
Maddie?
Buenas tardes, seor.
Oh. Uh, buenas tardes.
Will you come with me, please?
Sure.
Your party, seor.
Have a wonderful evening.
Oh...
Uh...
Hi.
I'm confused.
Can I sit here?
Yeah.
Thanks.
I'm Chip.
- I'm Maddie.
- Maddie.
Okay.
Are you waiting for someone? I mean, I-I...
- Do you need this chair?
- No. No.
- No?
- Uh, no. My girlfriend and I just got
in a humongous fight, so...
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Well, I'm sure everything will be all right.
- All you have to do is say you're sorry.
- I'm not sorry.
Oh.
Anyway, she just got on a flight
to Barcelona with some...
German guy, so...
Wow.
Oh, that's terrible.
She's just so...
...immature.
You know?
I should get a drink.
I-I...
I don't know how to handle this.
Should I go?
Oh.
I just don't think that it's weird for a guy
- to love his mother. Right?
- No.
It's not. It's not.
I mean, is it w... Maybe I am weird.
- No.
- No?
No, it's perfectly... natural.
I really like talking to you.
You do?
Yeah.
I'm glad.
Have you ever seen the movie The Graduate?
No.
No? Oh.
Darn it. It's, like,
my favorite movie of all time.
What's it about?
Um...
Well, I mean, it's...
There's a lot of things that it's about.
I-I mean, who are the, um...
who are the main characters?
Well, there's...
the Mrs. Robinson character,
and she meets a guy just out of college.
It's a good movie.
Oh, wow.
That was wonderful.
No, I-I really mean it.
It was... it was wonderful.
Whoa.
Yes. It was wonderful.
Aw...
How long do you think it would
be before we could do it again?
Well, uh...
Take me to the bedroom.
Oh, uh... well, we're-we're in it.
- Huh?
- This is it.
We're... Is it not...?
- It's more of a studio space.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I-I like it. I like it. I mean, it's, uh...
- Yeah, it's cute. It's cute.
- Good. I mean, I...
- No.
- I can do whatever you...
Oh, my God.
My-my mother's not a criminal.
- Not yet.
- What do you mean?
Well, one of my associates
put something on my cell phone
lets me track your mother's hotel bill.
- Are you serious?
- Mm-hmm.
That's an unconscionable
violation of privacy.
- Can I see it?
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God!
- Don't do that. Please don't do that.
That is not my mother.
Somebody must have stolen her identity.
Look, maybe it'd be better
if you didn't come.
You just try and stop me.
Okay, then what happens
if she tries and makes a-a break for it?
Are you gonna shoot her?
I don't need a gun.
Oh, why not?
She's a retired schoolteacher.
She's capable of anything.
I have my Kubotan.
- Your what?
- My Kubotan.
I've seen that. It's a girlie thing.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is. I saw an infomercial on it.
- You keep it in your purse.
- That's not true.
Yes, it is. It's a girlie weapon.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't. Stop. Stop saying that.
- Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
- Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
- Stop saying that. Just get...
Make your wife get in the car, please.
I told you it's off, didn't I?
I want nothing to do with it. Oh, come on.
It's only a bottle of wine.
He's bound to be sympathetic.
Chandler.
Hear that, Operator.
Paris Stock Exchange immediately.
Lacey.
Yes?
Is that Mrs. Eva Fenton?
Yes.
You have kind of a deep voice for a woman.
That's a very personal
observation, young man.
Who is it?
- Mrs. Fenton?
- Yes.
My name's Darryl Forbes.
I'm with Beneficial Life Insurance,
European branch.
I think you know why I'm here.
Sir, I think there must be
some huge mistake here.
I'll say. Your lady friend here
is big news on the Internet.
She cashed a $5 million check
that didn't belong to her.
I don't understand.
I was confused.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to
ask you to come with me, ma'am.
But-but the check was in my name.
Well, that ends the discussion.
You're free to leave, sir.
But I knew that it wasn't really mine.
I appreciate your honesty.
I'll come quietly.
Uh, what are you doing?
Aren't you gonna handcuff me?
Oh, surely there's no need for handcuffs.
I don't have any handcuffs.
Are you going to arrest me?
Yes. No. Look.
Either you come with me back to the States,
or I'll have to present my evidence
to the Spanish authorities
and begin extradition procedures.
It could take months, and
in the meantime, you would be
transported to the Centro Penitenciario
para Mujeres de Algeciras in Cdiz,
the single most vicious
female prison population
in the entire Spanish-speaking world.
Would you be interested to know
that, uh, Mrs. Fenton has approximately
400,000 euros worth of chips in her safe?
I don't take bribes, sir.
Although that's a lot of money, yes.
But, look, I-I think I deserve
anything that I get.
Although I don't...
I don't want my daughter
to see me in the slammer.
You have a daughter?
Yes.
I'm-I'm really torn.
How's your back, honey?
Good.
Better.
- Yeah?
- Oh, wow!
Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, no, yeah.
Um, my lower back went out.
But I'll be fine once I get flat.
- Oh!
- Oh, no.
Is there anything I can do?
Maddie...
you were incredible.
It's why my back went out.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I never knew it could be like that.
- Wow.
- Yeah. I should have limbered up first.
Talking hurts.
I'm sorry.
Well, what do you know?
Just relax. I told the babysitter
just keep Tommy and Kat
away from the microwave
- and it's gonna be all right.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you. 'Cause I just...
Hi. I-I'm sorry.
I, uh... I just wanted to tell you that
I saw you in the casino the other night,
and, uh, well, I reall...
I didn't think you spoke English.
Excuse me?
Isn't your name Michelle?
No. It-It's... it's Pam.
You're not...
Lacey Chandler's ex-wife?
Who?
400,000 and 450,000 euros.
Gracias.
Here you go.
I want you to understand that I still think
what you did was very wrong.
- Oh...
- Listen, Ford...
- Forbes.
- Well, listen, Forbes.
What I want from you is your word
that you'll leave this woman alone.
- Please.
- Tell 'em she got away.
Not unless she's out of the country
before my boss gets here.
There's a flight to Casablanca at midnight.
If you're not on it, I'll have to tell
my boss that you tried to bribe me.
That-that sounds fair.
Lacey, I'm so... I'm just...
- I-I'm so...
- Oh, you're all right.
You're safe now.
I have to find Maddie and apologize.
I'll just pack a few things and
I'll see you at the front desk.
- What for?
- Oh, I'm coming with you.
Costa Rica's no place for two lone ladies.
But w-we're not going to Costa Rica.
What about Casablanca?
There's a flight leaves at 12:00.
It's not as nice as Costa Rica,
but it's only a three-hour flight.
Oh, yes.
Oh.
Let's do it.
I'll see you at the front desk.
Lacey Chandler.
I think he's a con man, and I think
he's trying to swindle my friend.
- Maddie?
- Eva?
We are going to Casablanca.
Listen, Chandler is a con man!
I bribed an insurance agent, and I...
You didn't give him any money, did you?
- What?
- What?
He's not a con man. No, no.
He's taking us to Casablanca.
Oh, Eva. Wake up.
Come on. He might still be downstairs.
Crystal!
- Mom! Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!
What are you doing here?
What have you done to your hair?
You look fantastic!
- You think this is okay?
- Hi! Crystal!
A little flashy?
- No, no, no, it's perfect.
- It looks great.
- Oh, I'm so happy to see you.
- Tell her it looks great.
I'm sorry.
- I'm Agent Vespucci.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
This is Special Agent Vespucci
from Beneficial Life.
- Oh.
- Oh.
He's here about the money.
Oh, but I just...
bribed the man from Beneficial Life.
- Excuse me?
- You did what?
- Do you mean Chandler?
- No, Forbes.
- Who's Chandler?
- Your mom's new beau.
- Well...
- He's a con man.
- He's her what and he's a what?
- Who's Forbes?
Well, I thought you were his boss.
Can we sit down somewhere?
Whew. You know what?
This is really, really, nice.
Yeah.
Uh, Mrs. Fenton, I-I think
you've been the victim of a scam.
You think?
Mrs. Reynolds, I hear a lot of sarcastic
remarks in my line of work,
and they really don't affect me,
so please don't waste your time.
Actually, I think that they
really do hurt his feelings.
What about Lacey?
I think he was part of the whole scam.
And unfortunately,
since your hotel bill and your purchases
are more than 200,000 euros,
I must to ask you to come back with me.
What about that money you won gambling?
I gave that to Forbes.
Well, then Forbes must be
in league with Chandler.
Does this mean that I don't
have to go to Casablanca?
Casablanca's playing?
Well, it's always playing somewhere.
No, no, it's a city in Morocco.
See, she's completely confused.
You can't arrest her.
That-that would be like
executing a retarded person.
- Crystal!
- I mean, a really, really sweet one.
- What the hell is that?
- Uh, it's me.
It's "Ride of the Valkyries."
Oh, you've got to change that.
I-I don't know how.
Could-could you...
Hello?
Hi. Hi, Papa. It's Chen Lau.
- Oh, shit.
- Okay, close your eyes,
because I want to show you
a super great surprise.
Well, I-I'm right in the middle
of something now.
- I gonna have to hang up.
- No, don't hang up.
No, no, no, please, please.
- Oh, look at that!
- Now comes a special happy surprise!
Hi, Daddy.
- Vicky.
- Oh, look at her.
- Is that your daughter?
- That's so sweet.
- Yeah.
- She's pretty.
Come to China for your birthday! Our treat.
We bought you a round-trip
ticket for anytime you want.
We save up plenty box tops
from Chinese noodles.
Oh, that is the sweetest thing
I have ever heard.
They frickin' love you.
Vicky, honey, I-I'm gonna
have to call you back.
I'm in the middle of something.
- But...
- Don't...
What's the matter?
Don't you like your present?
Don't hang up.
May I have just one moment, please?
Oh.
Mr. Vespucci?
Yeah?
I-I know what it is to feel
estranged from your daughter.
You do?
Yes, I do.
And I also know
how much she really loves you.
Oh!
Okay.
Mrs. Fenton, you're under arrest.
- What?
- Are you kidding?
I-I understand.
What if she can get the money back?
How would she do that?
Bix.
El Seor Everett Bix.
He's always in the hotel trying
to seduce the rich ladies.
Everybody likes Mr. Bix.
Your Mr. Bix stole 450,000 euros.
- That's not all.
- Shut up.
And this man here is Raymond Farragut.
He and Mr. Bix work for Carlos Variola.
Don Carlos is the richest man
in Gran Canaria.
He sells the most expensive
wines in the world.
Then why did he steal from me?
Those two took 450,000 euro
that Eva won fair and square
playing blackjack the other night.
If we could find this guy, uh, Carlos,
we could get the money back,
and then Eva wouldn't have to go to jail.
- Just a minute.
- Yes.
We're not finding anyone.
I have Mrs. Fenton in custody,
and I'm taking her back home.
You would send her to jail when there's
a chance she wouldn't have to go?
- There is no chance.
- Oh, wow!
Where can we find him?
Um, excuse me. I'm terribly sorry.
Could you please help us find him?
I-I'm sorry, but I really cannot allow this.
I'm going to have to ask you to
come with me now to the airport.
Okay, okay, we'll go to the airport.
- We'll ask the police to find Carlos.
- Yes.
And when they get the money back,
they can send it to us in Madrid.
- Yes, yes.
- Oh.
- Hey, Chip!
- Maddie, hey. Ow!
Oh, Chip.
That sounds fair.
Don't you think that's fair?
- Yes, yes, it's fair.
- It is fair.
No, I think that that sucks.
We should be looking for Carlos.
- No.
- I think you suck.
- Taxi, seoras?
- Taxi, si.
Wait, wait, wait. So this is it?
- What about my mom's stuff?
- It's all got to be
confiscated, and I will make
the arrangements from Madrid.
You suck.
Would you mind not saying that anymore?
It undermines my authority.
You have no authority because you suck.
Crystal, I am so sorry. Really, honey.
First, you lost your father, and now...
- Mom...
- Tell him we're going to the airport.
- I'm so... all right.
- Come on, get in the taxi.
Get in the taxi. Okay.
Just get the bags in the trunk, okay?
- Crystal, you ride in the back.
- Bags in the trunk.
Thanks a lot.
Close the door.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Hang on. Flight risk!
- Flight risk!
- Mom?
- Prisa, prisa, prisa.
- Prisa, prisa, prisa.
- Whew, I think we lost him.
- Okay.
Where can I take you ladies tonight?
Uh, Haciendas...
uh, Hacienda Siesta Alegre.
No, please.
I have a wife, three children,
and my little boy...
he-he requires an operation.
Conduzca el maldito coche!
Si.
Okay.
Let's go.
We should have a plan.
I totally agree.
But do you have one?
Because you seem like you had one.
No. I had a goal.
I still have a goal.
But I think we need a plan.
So do I.
But you don't have one.
- No.
- Mm-hmm.
Would you mind to get out, please?
You know, in-in The Wizard of Oz,
what is that thing that they do
when they tried to get into
the Wicked Witch's castle?
The Lion... he dress up like
the Wicked Witch's guardian,
but-but his tail, it's sticking out,
make the whoosh, the whoosh from his behind.
Now leave the taxi!
What's he saying?
- He want you to get out from the taxi now.
- He wants us to get out from the taxi.
- Now?
- Now.
No, no, no. You're absolutely right.
- What's he saying?
- He's saying I have to pay
the taxicab driver because
he's got to make a living, too.
- What's he saying?
- That I should give him
a very good tip,
but no more than ten percent.
No, it's okay.
That's okay. No charge.
You've woken the baby!
We are here to talk to Mr. Chandler.
No, no!
Mr. Bix and Mr. Farragut.
- Bix and Farragut.
- Mr. Forbes.
- Otherwise known as...
- Definitely Mr. Chandler.
- And-and someone Forbes.
- Oh, stop it.
I'm afraid there is
no one here by those names.
But since you ladies are trespassing...
Carlos?
Yes, my angel?
Not now, please.
We have guests from America.
Oh, hello there. Hola.
- Hello.
- This is my wife, Flavia.
- I bet it's his second.
- Tell me something, seoras.
When it's bedtime for a baby in America,
and the baby cannot sleep,
is it common to fire machine guns
right outside of the goddamn window
of the goddamn nursery room,
when you tell your husband
700 times to shoot the gun out in the jungle
so that his wife can get some sleep?
Not where we're from.
- Flavia...
- I'm not talking to you!
Eh, sorry, cario.
I thought you were talking to me indirectly.
When I'm speaking to you indirectly,
I'll tell it to your face.
I didn't fire any guns!
It was your idiot brother!
Leave him alone!
Yeah, he-he's not a very good guard.
Oh, shut up.
Could we please talk about this later?
No, Carlos Variola de las Canarias.
Change the diaper once!
Just one time without asking for help from me,
from your mother, from your sisters,
from the nannies... which I know exactly
what you're doing with those nannies...
one time by yourself,
then we can talk about it later.
Can you believe that I left my wife for her?
Because you're the mother of my child,
I won't avenge this insult.
You're not man enough to avenge an insult.
You're a little sissy man.
Did she say "sissy" or "pussy"?
What?
Forgive me.
My wife... she has postpartum depression.
Hmm.
Perhaps you will care to join me
for a glass of wine.
What is he doing?
Seor?
Hold it, hold it.
- Okay.
- Whoa, what are you doing, pal?
- Okay, Hacienda Siesta Alegre?
- Yeah.
It's right up that road. Enjoy your evening.
No, but according to this,
that's still a half a mile
in the jungle and a couple of dirt roads.
So, taking us or not?
Uh, no.
Damn it.
Gracias.
I would like my-my money now, please.
Because otherwise I will end up in the pokey.
I-I'm telling you, your money's not here.
How much does wine like this sell for?
Ah, these bottles of wine are
the most expensive in the world.
Yeah?
This one over here. Look.
Chteau Margaux.
This one is worth over
a quarter of a million dollars.
Wow.
Oh, that's too much.
Quarter of a million dollars?
Um, what do you do, just...
I mean, do you just die and go
to heaven when you drink it?
No. They are terrible.
- They are? Really?
- Yeah.
See? This belongs to the vineyard
of the Johanna van Beethoven,
the younger brother of the great composer.
It stinks.
- It does?
- Yeah.
So why do they buy it?
Because they like the labels.
Oh, Eva, look!
Here's a Spanish wine
from the estate of Christopher Columbus.
I'm afraid that somewhat you are mixed up.
Oh, well.
Are you out of your mind?
No, you crazy woman!
Stop! Stop!
You take your hands off her, you cheap crook!
No, not the Chteau Margaux!
- We want her money.
- I stole it, but I need it back now.
I swear, I don't have your money!
I have listened to your bullshit for much
longer than I want to listen to bullshit.
I didn't teach tenth grade students
for 35 years for nothing.
I could tell when they were lying even when
- they didn't know it.
- Bix! Farragut!
- Whoa, what the hell is going on?
- Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
- Put that away!
- Do what she says!
Look who's here.
Eve...
- and Minnie.
- Maddie.
Now, I want my money now!
Is that man holding a machine gun?
Don't worry. I've got my Kubotan.
Ooh!
- Wow.
- Maddie?
Ooh!
Eva, I feel... kind of...
No!
- Maddie!
- Mom!
Stay put.
Maddie. Oh, my God.
One down, one to go.
Call an ambulance, or shoot me!
But don't just stand there! She's sick!
- Do what she says.
- Really? Shoot her?
Call an ambulance!
- What's wrong with you?
- Don't die, Maddie. Don't die.
Uh, I'm not gonna, uh, die.
I just fainted. I mean...
- Okay.
- I guess I'll die eventually.
Don Carlos, I heard a scream!
I was worried...
Hey! Get away from Don Carlos' wine!
Maddie, come.
Now, will somebody please explain to me
what the hell is going on here?
I explain.
For years, I sell these crazy bottles
to billionaires to impress their friends.
Mr. Bix... he sells
the wine for me.
Ladies and gentlemen,
from the wine cellar of Thomas Jefferson,
courtesy of Don Carlos Variola
de la Gran Canaria,
Chteau Lafite.
Open, please.
Thank you.
I gave him 30 days to pay me back
or I would fire him.
That's why you took my money?
I know that you maybe have to do
some jail time,
but it's better you than me.
Shame on you, Carlos Variola.
Would you repeat that again?
Shame on you, Carlos Variola.
Yes, but with feeling.
Shame on you, Carlos Variola!
It's true.
What? What's true?
- It's Mrs. Fenton.
- Who?
Are you not Mrs. Eva Fenton
from Liberty, Illinois?
Yes.
I'm Carlos Variola, the exchange
student from Mallorca.
Y-You teach me in the tenth grade.
Social studies.
You don't remember me?
You were my favorite teacher.
I was?
- Well, thank you.
- She never gets tired of hearing that.
Mrs. Fenton, I will return the money
that Mr. Bix and Mr. Farragut
took from you to pay me back.
Wow.
Okay, that's it, I'm done.
I'm taking the baby, the nanny
and my brother and going back to Brazil.
I'll say this to everyone.
I could have been on the cover of Vogue.
I grew up with an IQ of 175, but all
my life did I ever meet a man who said,
"Hello, cutie pie, what's your IQ"?
- Well, no, probably never, never.
- Never.
- Not even if they're curious.
- And all that happened
because I grew this gorgeous tit and this
perfect ass and this beautiful face.
Did any of the men
in my life say, "Tell me, Flavia,
what's your favorite opera
from the Ring Cycle by Wagner?"
- They all suck.
- And he was a Nazi.
- No, they say...
- "I love your ass."
- Yeah!
- "Dress up like a nurse."
- Exactly!
- "Make noises like a bear."
- What?
- Huh?
- Did he really say that?
- Shh.
Carlos, just a minute.
That's Eva Fenton.
Can we not just cut him loose?
So I have $215,000 left?
Just about.
- Then why don't we just stay here?
- Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible.
Half the money belongs to you, Maddie.
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
No.
Yes.
Eva... no.
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes.
You're gonna need it.
I don't know, I think maybe
I'll stay a couple more days.
Am I missing something?
- Will you come back?
- Will you come back?
I don't think so.
You sure?
Do you think I'm crazy?
No.
No.
Oh, my...
Thank you. Thank you for everything.
Cariito.
Okay. No.
Okay.
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny.
This summer, Papa,
you and Eva, come to China.
Yes, this summer,
Eva and I will come to China.
Yes.
Champagne for everyone. Don't be shy.
It's the good stuff,
all the way from Milwaukee.
You big softy.