The Simpsons Episode Scripts
9F10 - Marge vs. the Monorail
I hear they're sending 'em to one of those southern states where the governor's a crook.
Either way, I'm sleeping good tonight.
- Well, sir, where shall we dump this batch? The playground? - No.
All those bald children are arousing suspicion.
To the park! [Grunting, Straining] - I think it's full, sir.
- That's ridiculous! The last tree held nine drums.
[ Chittering ] [Tires Screeching] Agent Malone, Environmental Protection Agency.
Some Boy Scouts stumbled on your little game of "hide the ooze.
Burns, in light of your unbelievable contempt for human life this court fines you three million dollars.
Smithers, my wallet's in my right front pocket.
Oh, and, uh, I'll take that statue of Justice too.
Sold! [ Chuckling ] Oh, Andy Capp.
You wife-beating drunk.
[ Chuckles ] Ooh! There's going to be a town meeting to decide how to spend Mr.
Oh, what a boon it could be for our under funded public schools.
Children, it's time For your history lesson.
Put on your virtual reality helmets.
- I'm Genghis Khan.
You'll go where I go - [ Woman Screaming ] defile what I defile, eat who I eat.
Hmm? Come on, Lise.
We both know how this money should nay, must be spent.
[ Beeping ] Aah! Oh! Bart, we'll do anything you want.
just call off your giant mechanical ants! Aah! Whoa! [ Laughing Evilly] Well, I think we should spend the money on something the whole town can be proud of.
- Like a giant billboard that says, "No fat chicks"? - No! [ Chattering ] It looks like everyone in Springfield showed up for this.
- [Glass Shattering] - [Man]Ha-ha! Could this town be any stupider? Order! Please rise for the, uh, Pledge of Allegiance.
- Get to the money! - In a moment.
First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting.
- Get to the money! - Get to the money! - Get to the money! - Very well.
We will now hear suggestions for the, uh, disbursement of the, uh, two million dollars.
Don't you mean three million dollars? Of course.
How silly of me.
We could use the money to hire firemen - to finally put out that blaze on the east side of town.
- Boring! Hello.
My name is Mr.
Snrub and I come from, uh, someplace far away.
Yes, that will do.
Anyway I-I say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant.
I like the way Snrub thinks.
[ Angry Muttering ] Pardon me, but I would like to see this money spent on more police officers.
I have been shot eight times this year and as a result, I almost missed work.
- My name is Marge Simpson, and I have an idea.
- It may sound a little boring at first.
- [Quimby] Chat a way.
I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.
Well, Surely you've all noticed the terrible condition Main Street is in.
Many of us have destroyed it By leaving winter chains on our tires and carrying too much weight.
- [ Dissonant Chords ] - Whoo-hoo! Look at that pavement fly! [Marge]And those potholes are becoming a real nuisance.
Ho! Now hold on just one minute.
Sure, we could fix up Main Street.
We could put all our eggs in one basket.
[ Cheering ] Shut up! I wasn't done yet.
I'm just saying we could blow all our money on a stupid little street, but-- - [ Cheering, Shouting ] - [ Groaning ] Oh! I ain't fer it.
I'm agin it! [ All Chanting ] Main Street! Main Street! Main Street! All those in favor Of Grampa Simpson's plan - for rebuilding Main Street, please-- - [Whistles] You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with a spinning wheel.
No one knows how he got it, and danged if he knows how to use it.
- [ Laughter] - [ Chuckles ] Mule.
The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley and I come before you good people tonight with an idea.
Probably the greatest-- Ah, it's not for you.
It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
Now wait just a minute.
We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville.
just tell us your idea, and we'll vote for it.
I tell you what I'll do.
I'll show you my idea.
- I give you the Springfield Monorail! - [All Gasping] I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook and by gum, it put them on the map! Well, sir, there's nothing on earth like a genuine, bona fide electrified, six-car monorail.
- What'd I say? - Monorail! - What's it called? - [ Together] Monorail! - That's right, monorail! - [ All ] Monorail.
I hear those things are awfully loud.
It glides as softly as a cloud.
Is there a chance the track could bend? Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
What about us brain-dead slobs? You'll be given cushy jobs.
Were you sent here by the devil? No, good sir.
I'm on the level.
The ring came off my pudding can! Take my pen knife, my good man.
I swear it's Springfield's only choice.
Throw up your hands and raise your voice.
- [ All Singing ] - What's it called? - [ All Singing ] - Once again! [ All Singing ] But Main Street's still all cracked and broken.
Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.
[ All Singing ] Monorail! Mono-- D'oh! [ Bart, Homer] Monorail! Monorail! Monorail! I still think we should have spent the money to fix Main Street.
- Well, you should have written a song like that guy.
- [ Groans ] Thank you for coming, Mr.
I'm Miss Hoover.
Miss Hoover? That is hard to believe.
[ Chuckles ] I'm here to answer any questions you children have about the monorail.
- Me! - Me! - Can it outrun The Flash? - You bet.
Can Superman outrun The Flash? Uh, sure.
Why not? Hello, little girl.
Wondering if your dolly can ride the monorail for free? Hardly.
I'd like you to explain why we should build a mass transit system in a small town with a centralized population.
[ Chuckles ] Young lady that's the most intelligent question I've ever been asked.
- Really? - Oh, I could give you an answer.
But the only ones who'd understand it would be you and me and that includes your teacher.
[ Giggling ] Next question.
You there, eating the paste.
[ Male Announcer] Coming soon, it's Truckasaurus: The Movie starring Marlon Brando as the voice of John Truckasaurus.
You crazy car.
I don't know whether - to eat you or kiss you.
- [ Announcer] Celebrity voice impersonated.
- [ Lanley ] Are you stuck in a dead-end job? - Maybe.
Are you squandering the precious gift Of life in front of the idiot box? - What's it to you? - Are you on your third beer of the evening? Does whiskey count as beer? Well, maybe it's time you joined the exciting field of monorail conducting by enrolling at the Lanley Institute.
[ Man ] Actual institute may not match photo.
Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor.
- Homer, no.
- It's my lifelong dream.
Your lifelong dream was to run out on the field during a baseball game and you did it last year, remember? Oh, yeah.
Before we begin, is anyone here an investigative reporter? - I am, and she is.
- Well, I'd like you to please leave.
- Should we take our hidden camera? - Would you? Let's go, Phil.
True or false: You can get mono from riding the monorail.
Maybe it's true.
No, you were right.
You really are gonna be a monorail conductor.
- That's right, boy.
You know, I used to think you were stuck in an emasculating, go-nowhere job.
- [ Chuckles ] Kids.
- But now, I wanna follow in your footsteps.
Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you Hoju.
I'll get back to you.
Come on! Keep it comin'! Over.
Hi, Homer! Oh, I hate that sound.
According to this book, the monorail goes over 1 50 miles an hour.
- What if something goes wrong? - What if? What if I'm taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap? Oh, my God, I'd be killed! It frightens me that you want to work on something that's so unsafe.
We monorail conductors are a crazy breed half in love with death, gobbling up danger like ordinary men eat peanuts.
- Am I turning you on? - No.
- What if I undo this button? - Good night, Homer.
[ Deep Voice ] What if I talk like this? What if I sing to you? [Homer Singing] Mmm, chicken.
[Smacking Lips] So then, "mono" means "one," and "rail" means "rail.
" And that concludes our intensive three-week course.
Hey, wait, man.
Who gets to be conductor? Oh, right, that.
Well, I've been monitoring your progress closely.
- But this gentleman here clearly stands out above the rest.
- Who, me? - Yeah, sure.
- Whoo-hoo! After an exhaustive search, Springfield has found its monorail conductor-- Homer Simpson.
And this is the snack holder where I can put my beverage or, if you will, cupcake.
You really know your monorails.
[ Squeaking, Hissing ] Homer, there's a family Of possums in here.
- I call the big one Bitey.
- [ Groans ] I'm going to see Mr.
Lanley? [ Gasps ] Oh! - How much did you see? - Uh, nothing incriminating.
- Well, bye.
- [Door Closes] - I don't know why I leave this lying around.
I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook.
Is there a chance the track could bend? I call the big one Bitey.
I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook.
Is there a chance the track could bend? I call the big one Bitey.
[ Cackling ] Go away! There ain't no monorail, and there never was! - [ Screams ] - Excuse me, miss.
You asked about the monorail? - Who are you? - My name is Sebastian Kobb.
Lanley hired me to build his monorail.
He cut corners everywhere-- bad wiring, faulty brakes.
And the celebrity on the maiden voyage was Gallagher.
This is all that's left of one of the crappiest trains ever built.
Kobb, what can we do? You just better have a damn good conductor.
I locked my keys in there.
Get a rock.
[Orchestra] - Ladies and gentlemen, nothing brings out the stars - [Ends] like the maiden voyage of a monorail.
Everyone's here, from recently outed leading man Dash Calhoun - to Krusty the Clown.
- Hey, hey! Krusty, why won't you answer my calls? You've never even seen our son! [ Babbling ] Here's one of those loveable high-schoolers from TV's Springfield Heights, 90210.
He's cool, he's sexy, he's 34 years old.
- Let's hear it for Kyle Darren! - [ Women Screaming ] And here's country singing sensation Lurleen Lumpkin fresh from her latest stay at the Betty Ford Clinic! - [ Chuckles ] - [ Scattered Applause ] - What ya been up to, Lurleen? - I spent last night in a ditch.
How about that, folks? Now I'd like to turn things over to our grand marshal Mr.
[ Chuckles ] I'd say this vessel could do at least warp five.
[ Laughter, Applause ] And let me say "May the force be with you.
" - Do you even know who I am? - I think I do.
Weren't you one Of the Little Rascals? Mr.
Lanley! Aren't you gonna ride the monorail? Little lady, I'd love to, but I have to catch a plane.
- The ride only takes a minute.
- Yeah, well, my plane leaves in less than one minute.
[ Applause ] - [Engine Powering Up] - All aboard! We're too late! I shouldn't have stopped for that haircut.
- [Jazz] - [Chattering] Actually, you see, the doors on Star Trek were not mechanical.
We had a stagehand on either side - who would pull the door open when he saw you approach.
Stick your head out the window, boy.
It's the greatest! Yee-haw! - [ Both Gasp ] - [ All Gasp ] [ Alarm Blaring ] [ All Screaming ] [ Whimpering ] - Can't you stop it, Dad? - I'm trying my best.
[Female Computerized Voice] The lever you have pulled--brakes-- Is not in service.
Please make a note of it.
- How fast are they going? - [ Homer] Yikes! Well, judging by your husband's cowardly scream - 180 miles an hour.
- [ Homer] Yikes! [ Riders Screaming, Groaning ] Ah.
It's making me dizzy.
I'm gonna take a nap.
- All right, I'm in charge here.
- Oh, run along, Quimby.
I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere.
Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter.
Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby.
You don't scare me.
That could be anyone's ass.
Now beat it! I'm calling the shots.
I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain.
The town charter says that in an emergency, I run the show.
Well, we'll just see about that.
Let's go to town hall.
Fine! Should we take one car, or should I follow you? - [ All Screaming ] - Hey, according to the charter as chief constable I'm supposed to get a pig every month - "and two comely lasses of virtue true.
" - Keep the pig.
- How many broads do I get? - Hey, hey, let go! You're rippin' it! - No, you are! - No, you are! - Let go.
That's the charter.
- [ All Screaming ] Wait a minute.
We can just shut off the power! No such luck.
When will people learn? A solar eclipse.
- The cosmic ballet goes on.
- Does anyone want to switch seats? [ Cheering ] I did it.
D'oh! [Man Over P.
] Folks, this is your captain speaking.
Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook.
Where have I heard that name before? Oh, no.
Oh, no! - There he is-- seat 3-F! - [ Yelling, Shouting ] [Lanley Groaning, Yelling] Krusty wants out! No.
The world needs laughter.
- Are we gonna die, son? - Yeah.
But at least we'll take a lot of innocent people with us.
- [ Marge Over Radio ] Homer? Homer? - Y'ello? Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you.
- Batman? - No, he's a scientist.
- Batman's a scientist.
- It's not Batman! I think I have a way to stop the train.
You need to find an anchor of some sort.
Think harder, Homer.
[ Gasps ] I'll take that.
- Uh, Dad? - [ Screams ] Now, separating Siamese twins is a long and costly procedure.
[ Together] Huh? Arr! Ya call that an anchor? Huh? Donuts.
Is there anything they can't do? - Dad, you're a hero.
- Yes, son.
I'm the best mono-thingy guy there ever was.
[Cheering] Well, my work is done here.
What do you mean, Your work is done? - You didn't do anything.
- [ Chuckles ] Didn't I? [Marge] And that was the only folly the people of Springfield ever embarked upon except for the Popsicle stick skyscraper and the 50-foot magnifying glass and that escalator to nowhere.
Whoa! Aah! Aah! - Whoa! - Aah! - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!