The Simpsons Episode Scripts

BABF20 - A Tale of Two Springfields

#The Simpsons # D'oh! Here you go, boy.
Soup's on.
Whoa! Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hey, if you're out here, then who's in there? Whoa, a badger! Sorry, man.
You can't crash here.
Come on, let's go.
Well, boy, looks like you got yourself a roommate.
Come on, Lise.
There's gotta be a way to lure that badger out.
Well, according to WhatBadgersEat.
Com "Badgers subsist primarily on a diet of stoats, voles and marmots.
" Hmm, stoats.
Stoats.
Stoats are weasels, Bart.
They don't come in cans.
- Then what's this? - That says "corn," Bart.
- Must you embarrass me? - Here we are.
- " In a pinch, badgers have been known to eat woodpeckers.
" - Perfect! Hey, Todd.
Can we borrow your woodpecker? I guess so.
But we need him back by 6:00.
It's his birthday.
Okay.
Ow! Hmm.
- Television broken? - No.
There's a badger in there.
Badger, my ass.
It's probably Milhouse.
Milhouse.
Milhouse! It's a badger, all right, or possibly a griffin.
- Do you have any dynamite? - Tons.
- Get it.
- No, Dad.
We don't want to kill him.
- Let's call Animal Control.
- Great idea.
Then we should call the doctor about this.
- How did the badger do that without ripping your shirt? - What am I, a tailor? Hmm! Hmm? Your call cannot be completed as dialed.
- Please make sure you have the correct area code.
- Area code? But it's a local call.
The phone company ran out of numbers so they split the city into two area codes.
Half the town keeps the old 636 area code, and our half gets 939.
What the hell is that? Oh, my life is ruined! Geez, you just have to remember three extra numbers.
Oh, if only it were that easy, Marge.
Go away! We got bigger problems now! I'm not gonna stand for this.
I'm gonna call the newspapers, the TV stations, the gas stations, everybody! I hate this new area code.
Like I don't have enough to remember already.
Is that right? Don't you miss the old 636 Carl? I'm not sure which one's better.
The six is closer to the three, so you got convenience there.
But the nine has less to do with Satan, which is a plus in this religious world of ours.
What really burns me up is they didn't give us one word of warning! What do you mean? They ran those TV commercials about it and that big radio campaign.
Don't forget the leaflets they dropped from the space shuttle.
And the two weeks we all spent at area code camp.
Not a single word of warning.
And traffic's all backed up due to a mattress on the freeway.
A mattress? Uh-oh.
Joan Collins must be in town.
Oh, behave! Joan Collins? That girl sleeps with everybody! Okay, time to give away free concert tickets.
What you talkin' about? What we're talking about, Gary, is the Who! We're giving away tickets to next week's concert at Springfield's historic Yahoo Search Engine Arena! The Who? I love bands! And now we'll dial our big winner at random.
# Dialing at random # Okay, let's start with 5-5-5 That's my number! Ahoy-hoy! Hey, that's not me.
Dad, we're not in their area code anymore.
Congratulations! You're gonna rendezvous with the Who! Ohh! It's not fair! I've been a fan of the Who since the very beginning when they were the Hillbilly Bugger Boys! - You should call that radio station and let 'em have it! - Good idea! Why, you little- Ow! Ow! Ow! I know that some of you are upset about the area code change especially those of you covered with dynamite.
First, let me reassure you your fears are groundless and your complaints moronic.
- That's good.
- This film will explain everything to you in words that you can understand.
Hi.
I'm Phoney McRingring, mascot and president of the telephone company.
I'm here to explain why the convenience of one area code in Your town.
Has been replaced by the convenience of two area codes.
Uh, I have a question, Phoney.
- It's a movie, Dad.
- Quiet, honey.
Daddy's asking the man a question.
You're probably thinking, "Sure, more area codes are great "and I don't mind paying the extra hidden fees but how will I remember all those numbers?" Whoa! Well, scientists have discovered that even monkeys can memorize 10 numbers.
Are you stupider than a monkey? How big of a monkey? Of course you're not.
 Well, I'm convinced.
A professional-looking film like that has gotta be right.
I agree.
Two area codes is more convenient.
- I like it! - Wait a minute! We haven't heard from me yet, the nut with the dynamite! The phone company is bamboozling you! I accuse the phone company of making that film on purpose! Well, of course we did.
Now, I'm not one to make trouble but it seems to me that everyone who got to keep the old or "classic," 636 area code lives on the rich side of town! - Oh, poppycock! - I never! - Eeeww.
And as usual, weJoe Twelve-Packs get the royal screw-job! Homer's right! We're gettin' theJoan Collins special! - He's right! - We're gettin' it but good! Well, I've had it! You rich snobs aren't pushing us around anymore! And what are you pathetic slobs going to do about it? Well, l- Huh? - Oh, nice wiring, Bart! - Worked on the test corpse.
Okay, plan "B.
" Fellow 939'ers, I say we break off and form our own city! - Yes! - We're with you, Homer! Come on! Let's go! Viva la revolución! Now who's stupid? There.
We're officially a city.
Now we just sit back and wait for an N.
F.
L.
Franchise.
Say, I couldn't help but overhear.
I represent the Arizona Cardinals.
Keep walking.
Good decision there, Homer.
You showed a lot of poise.
Yeah.
Maybe you oughta be mayor of New Springfield.
Mayor, eh? The Mayor.
Starring Homer Simpson.
I reluctantly accept this highly-paid, glamorous job.
Presenting our new plaque.
I say the time for bitterness has passed.
Let us extend to our brothers in New Springfield the olive branch of- New Springfield rocks! Go ahead and laugh.
- We have a better town bird.
- Oh, yeah? What is it? - The bluebird.
- Damn it.
More wheat cakes, Mr.
Mayor? Read my lips- Yes.
Dad, you got syrup on your sash.
No problem.
- If you ask me- - Stop right there.
It's stupid to divide the city over something as silly as an area code.
It would be like you and Mom splitting up every time you have a fight.
Sweetie, you know your mother and I only stay together for the sake of my political career.
- That's not true! - Big grins.
That'll play great in the sticks.
Oh, that was 50 already? Go long! Hey, look what I found.
A novelty flying disk.
Give it back! That's my novelty flying disk.
You're in Olde Springfield now! Everything on this side of the park belongs to us! - Hey, his pants are in our park too! - Get him! My homework is in your park.
- Let's do it! - Yoink! What does freedom mean to me? All right.
Root beer, bananas and toilet paper.
Fifty percent out-of-towners' tax.
Out-of-towner tax? I'm sorry, Mrs.
Simpson, but we have to charge you foreign devils more.
All right.
But this better be the best toilet paper I've ever had.
Oh, no worries there.
That's Henderson's toilet paper! Ooh! Why didn't you say so? - Hey, is there a bathroom here? - Not for you.
I don't know why, but I just didn't feel comfortable until I was back here in New Springfield with my own kind.
- Mom! - They were looking at me with their eyes.
As expected, New Springfield's bold experiment in slob rule is a disaster.
Hey, the TV man is talking about us.
A study shows their crumbling economy is due to their lazy attitude and shoddy work.
How the hell did they find that out? Scientists say they're also less attractive physically and while we speak in a well-educated manner they tend to use lowbrow expressions like, "Oh, yeah?" and "C'mere a minute.
" Oh, yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart, c'mere a minute! - You c'mere a minute! - Oh, yeah? Dad, I don't think this is such a good idea.
Thank you, Marge.
Now let's see how Olde Snob-field does without electricity.
Whoo-hoo! Oh, no.
You can't do heart surgery in the dark! - Sounds like a wager to me.
- I'll take a piece of that.
I will now transport Sir Isaac Newton into the modern day.
Warning! Power failure! Oh! Oh! Sweet glayvin! Oh, good God! Hey, wait, wait, wait! Ow! Oh! Oh! Sir Isaac's legs are hurting! In retaliation for the power outage Olde Springfield patriots have intercepted a beer truck bound for New Springfield and dumped all the beer in the river.
Those rich, snobby Indians.
- There's nothing like revenge for getting back at people.
- I don't know.
Vengeance is good.
Whoo-hoo! Blood for water! They got us now! Without water, we're doomed! Wait a minute.
What's that gold-colored substance in the riverbed? Why, that's gold.
We're slightly richer! Eureka! With the money made from the gold Olde Springfield was able to buy the Evian water factory and fly it over here from France.
- Ohh! - Thanks, Mayor Simpson.
Because of you, we're all takin' golden showers! What? We can't go on fighting with Olde Springfield! These people are our neighbors.
We see them every day.
You're right! We've got to block them from our sight with a giant wall! - Like the one in Berlin? - Good idea.
We should call the guys they used.
- Homer.
- It's ringing! And I'd like to thank Low Ball Construction for building this amazing wall from 90% recycled materials.
- I'm so conflicted.
- About what? Loyal citizens of New Springfield you stayed on my side of town despite a total lack of hospitals and schools and a sewage nightmare that threatens to consume us all.
How will we get our food? All the roads are blocked.
Don't worry.
We have plenty of supplies to get through tomorrow.
And then a wave of disease should help to- Hey! Stop streaming over the wall! At least wait till I'm through talking.
Okay.
Now as for food, the following breeds of dog are edible- - See ya! - Bye, Homer! Oh! I can't believe all those rats fled my town.
Guess it's just us and the tumbleweed.
Oh! Well, Dad, you're mayor of a ghost town.
I can't believe those traitors abandoned us.
They couldn't take one lousy famine.
Dad, you're bleeding! No problem.
Anyhow, those rats will come crawling back.
Ha-ha.
We've got the Who playin'here tonight.
Dad, the arena's in Olde Springfield.
- D'oh! - Don't give up, Dad.
Maybe we can get the Who to play here instead.
Hey, maybe we could.
But we'll need some liquid persuasion.
Come on, Bart.
We're gonna bring back the Who! Can I help you? - Uh- - Dad! The chloroform! Huh? Oh, right.
I'll give you this bottle of chloroform if you'll take us to the Who.
- D'oh! - Oh, so you wanna see the Who, huh? Well, I'll take you to the Who.
Here's your Who! - I thought we fired that guard.
- Oh, yeah.
Right.
I got fired by the Who.
Whatever you say, pal.
Wacko.
Wow.
The Who! Whoo! Rock and roll! - What the hell are you doing? - Duh! Trashing the hotel room.
But we promised the desk clerk we'd be good.
Yeah.
We don't want to lose our pool privileges.
Whatever.
The point is, I'm Homer Simpson.
- The mayor of New Springfield? - That's right.
- The crazy mayor of New Springfield? - That's right.
And I implore you to move your concert to our town.
Don't play Olde Springfield or as it is sometimes known, Sun City.
But we have a handshake agreement with a concert promoter and that's a sacred bond.
Sacred bond.
Come on.
What happened to the angry, defiant Who of"My Generation" "Won't Get Fooled Again" And "Mama's Got a Squeeze Box"? We know our songs, Homer.
But those Olde Springfield squares are just gonna make you cut your hair, turn down your music and wear frilly shirts like Keith Partridge.
Keith Partridge? Who huddle! - We'll do it! - Yeah! - Just send a cab for us.
- Is something wrong with your legs? You're right.
The walk will do us good.
I opened for the Who at Woodstock.
I came out in a Beatle wig with a ukulele.
Hendrix said he almost plotzed.
His exact words.
Oh, I never tire of that story.
Smithers, why did you iron a crease in these dungarees? I look like a square.
Uh, that crease is in your leg, sir.
Oh, so it is.
Yes.
Hmm.
It's not like the Who to be tardy.
I'm worried.
What's that? Yarrr! 'Tis the Who.
By my reckoning, they're in the scurvy depths of New Springfield.
Homer stole our rock performance! That fat, dumb and bald guy sure plays some real hardball.
Who's ready to riot? # I won't get to get what I'm after # #Till the day I die # How you doing out there, New Springfield? To be honest, it's a little chilly- - Oww! - Get out of the way, Marge.
We were expecting a bigger crowd, Homer.
Don't worry.
They'll be here.
And then they'll see who's got the better town.
Now, these are the tunes I want you boys to play.
Wait a minute.
Homer! A lot of these are Grand Funk Railroad songs! And we don't know "Pac-Man Fever.
" Oh, come on.
It plays itself! # Pac-Man fever # # Doo-doo-doo-doo # # It's a-driving me crazy # Look, Lisa.
Daddy's in the Who.
Ooh! Oww! Give us back our concert, Simpson! So, New Springfield's looking pretty good now, isn't it with our ample parking and daily Who concerts? - Daily? - We'll talk.
All right, enough chitchat.
Let's see how you like flaming garbage! Ha-ha.
#You hit the tire fire # You'll have to do- Oww! Oh, why me? Oh, oww! People, please, what's all this fighting about? Apparently they have two different area codes.
Well, I'll be chuggered.
That's the sticky wicket? Why not just buy telephones with auto ring-up? Or as you Yanks call it, "speed dial.
" - Radio Shack has some great ones.
- Oh, says you.
- "Magic Bus"! - Yeah, "Magic Bus"! Okay! We'll play "Magic Bus" if you tear down this wall! "Pinball Wizard"! Oh, hell.
I'll do it meself.
#Yeah # # I tip my hat to the new constitution # #Take a bow for the new revolution # Well, Marge, looks like your insane experiment is over.
My experiment? You're the one who came up with this whole idea- #Just like yesterday # # When I get on my knees and pray # # Yeah # # Meet the new boss # # Same as the old boss # Shh!
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