10 O'Clock Live (2011) s02e03 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 3
1 Welcome to 10 O'Clock Live.
It's Wednesday 22nd February.
And this week, Greece has signed up for a 130 billion euro bailout agreement.
To understand the bailout, think of Greece as a kebab, Germany as an enormous fat man eating a kebab and the bailout as an unpayable fiscal burden that turns a nation into perpetual debt slaves to the mega banks With onions on top and chilli sauce.
What are we talking about this week? Charlie, what will you be doing? I'm going to be looking at Iran.
There's been lots of tension in the Gulf.
Iran has threatened to close the Strait of Hormuz.
I don't know if you know what that is.
It's the Middle East's G-spot.
A bit of friction there can cause huge shockwaves and until last week, I had absolutely no idea it existed.
Until an angry woman showed me where it was on a diagram.
David, you are going to be tackling Britain's slave labour problem? Yes, this isn't the sort of slave labour where some travellers take you prisoner and make you tarmac drives for years.
This is actually Tesco that could be doing that, but is it slavery perpetrated by big corporations or is it just a sort of Bob-a-Job week for layabouts? That's what I'll be discussing.
That's a good name for the scheme, Bob-a-Job For Layabouts.
Should have called it that.
That's this show.
Jimmy, you're going to be giving us a rare glimpse into Rupert Murdoch's world? Well, people often on television say very unfair things about Rupert Murdoch, so stay tuned for some more of that! Meanwhile, I'll be examining the week's big bust-ups.
First, over to Jimmy to tell us about this week so far.
In the news this week, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley was heckled by an elderly woman on Monday over his NHS reforms.
It was unfortunate for Lansley, but only strengthened his resolve, as under his planned reforms, she would have died 25 years ago.
Only four days to go to the launch of The Sun On Sunday.
on the latest gossip from Milly Dowler's voicemail.
I didn't do it! Rupert Murdoch has stressed that The Sun On Sunday will be very different from the News Of The World.
Really? I probably won't read it, then! Phone hacking latest - Cherie Blair is suing News Corp and the reporter Glenn Mulcaire.
Mulcaire is staring into the abyss and there, at the back of the abyss, are Cherie Blair's tonsils.
Initially, Cherie Blair couldn't believe she'd been hacked.
It's the first thing she's found hard to swallow since a live piglet she tried to eat whole in 1997.
She has a big mouth, everyone.
Greece is to receive a new eurozone bailout package worth 130 billion euros.
Here's how the new bailout will work.
It won't! Greece's credit rating has been downgraded to CCC, which means they can no longer borrow on the international money markets, but they could still get into Loughborough University to do sports science.
Sporting news now.
David Haye and Dereck Chisora may be banned from boxing after their brawl at a press conference.
This could be a disaster for the two fighters, who now stand to earn millions of pounds in a grudge match set up by an obvious publicity stunt.
Poor fellas.
The day before, Chisora slapped Ukrainian boxer Vitali Klitschko in the face, which was a real slap in the face for Vitali Klitschko! Fun, right? It's a fun game.
It's been officially announced that the footballer at the centre of the Imogen Thomas gagging order was Ryan Giggs.
Ryan Giggs, can you believe it? I knew that Natasha Giggs was involved and Rhodri Giggs and Rhodri Giggs' brother, but I had no idea it was Ryan Giggs.
I'm surprised he didn't try and cover that up.
Wait until his wife finds out.
Britain faces its worst drought for 30 years.
People are being told to limit the number of baths they take, which is good advice during a drought, but too little, too late for Whitney Houston.
There we are.
That was a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions for our audience there shocked, appalled, laughed, applauded.
Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, has launched a new scheme that hopes to make people proud to be British in the Jubilee and Olympic year.
Pickles has been accused of jumping on the bandwagon.
I wouldn't want to be that bandwagon.
Lloyds Bank have announced they intend to claw back bonuses worth £2 million from ten senior bankers.
Great news.
Operation Too Little Too Late Drop In The Ocean Smokescreen has gone brilliantly.
Iran has stopped selling crude oil to Britain.
This means that not only will fuel prices increase, but we'll also lose out on 50 billion Nectar points! We could have had a kettle! Theresa May announced that the UK Border Agency will split into two.
The job of the new hard-hitting enforcement agency will be to kick out foreign nationals who don't have the right to be in Britain.
It will be headed by John Terry.
And that was the news this week! Brilliant.
Well done.
So, biggest moment this week - well, one of, anyway - Andrew Lansley, on Monday, collared outside Downing Street on his way to the NHS Summit.
This is the incredible moment when 75-year-old June Hautot took Lansley to task.
People are waiting for a bed now.
And when it goes private When it goes private, we won't have any beds.
I've had enough of you.
I've had enough of you and Cameron.
Are you going to go home.
.
? The NHS is not for sale.
There's no privatisation.
Oh, codswallop! You've been privatising since 1979! Don't you dare lie to me! You're not going! I'm not letting you go! I'm not letting you go! I'll go the other way.
No, I've been waiting! I've been standing here! You're not going! Greedy.
Greedy.
Greedy.
Boo! Yeah! I'll have what she's having.
Jimmy.
Well, it's one of Catherine Tate's best performances! She's just so good in everything.
She really is.
It's amazing.
Charlie, did he handle that well? It's testament to how good the NHS is that a 75-year-old woman is healthy enough to scream in a minister's face for that long.
I think he didn't handle it particularly well.
Maybe what he should have done is leant in and kissed her for a full minute.
Then turned round, winked at the camera and been on his way.
That's your solution to everything.
I think he's aroused by dissenting pensioners.
It's the only explanation.
Why didn't he, just like, go in the back entrance? The door! I was trying to think of a way It really makes me sitting here It's very clear that you weren't wondering why he didn't shag her up the arse.
Thank you! Do you know what I would have done in that scenario, were I Lansley? I would have said, "Oh, I get this all the time.
You think I'm him.
"I get this a lot.
Oh, I hate that guy.
" Is that your technique? "Gots to go.
" The thing that puzzles me about it is it happens quite a lot, politicians getting doorstepped by little old ladies, and I dare say it will happen more now.
What we all expect, as a nation, is for them to listen carefully and really try and look like they give a shit.
We know they don't give a shit.
He's not really pleased to hear the little old lady's opinion.
He's thinking, "Shut up, you bitch! "I'm more important than you.
" We don't like our politicians lying a lot of the time, but in instances like that, we want him to lie.
We want him to put on this fake face of interest.
It's interesting.
He couldn't be much less popular now, anyway, so is he not tempted to pull an Adele and just go, "Come on.
" Be amazing if he did.
Obviously, when Gordon Brown was unmasked, having dealt in a similar incident with an old lady quite differently behind her back, that did for him in the end, but not everybody is quite as smooth.
Lansley dealt with that as best as he could, but look at a real pro dealing with hecklers in this BBC interview.
You guys have got nothing to talk about but speculation.
We don't know until the deal is done.
So you go and talk to somebody who says, "Oh, I think this" or somebody says It's whether the negotiations between the leaders sort this out, and that's what we have to do.
But if you put together the numbers between Labour, the Liberal Democrats and the others Can you keep your mouth shut for a moment, love?! Put 'em up! Put 'em up! I could be wrong, but it feels that the hand movement he did was testing whether he had the reach to get to the woman, for his trademark little bang! I mean, was that better? That's much better.
Everyone knows that the politicians are annoyed.
With Lansley and the old lady, she's never going to vote for him in a million years.
He might as well say "You'll never vote Tory, "so I officially don't care what you think.
" That would be more honest.
How brutally honest do you want them to be? Precisely as brutally honest as I've described.
Logic bomb! Pfft! OK, well, Langley versus Hautot wasn't the only scrap this week.
British boxers, as Jimmy mentioned, David Haye and Dereck Chisora came to blows in a press conference in Munich.
Let's remind ourselves of the brutal exchange.
When David Haye challenged Dereck Chisora at his press conference, it seemed the usual pantomime knockabout.
But as Chisora came to confront him, it became anything but.
For several chaotic minutes, the pair brawled, sending reporters and cameras flying.
Attempts to break them up proved fruitless.
At one point, Haye brandished a camera tripod.
Even by boxing's standards, the ugliest of fracas.
You've had enough nights out with the Bigg Market.
It's no big deal to me.
Charlie, what did you make of it? Are tripods not allowed in boxing? I don't really know how boxing works.
That just looks like a release of pent-up sexual tension.
Boxing is quite camp.
It's two guys fighting over a belt.
Now, you say that.
There is a purse as well.
And lovely bouncy ropes and long shorts.
What's not to like? And lots of satin, actually.
OK, well, David Haye is full of remorse.
Yesterday, he tweeted: Along with this picture of him thinking about the consequences of his actions.
David, do you think he is taking all the criticism seriously? Well, no.
But, you know, then, who is? I think I mean, they they like to fight, don't they? It's proving that they like to fight in their spare time as well! You could have been asked about the Middle East and said that.
It's always nice to see a prostitute have sex for fun occasionally.
The same goes for a boxer and a fight.
OK.
Ding, ding.
End of round one.
Let's have some adverts.
We'll see you in a bit.
Welcome back.
The beleaguered billionaire Rupert Murdoch announced this week that the first ever edition of the Sun on Sunday is to launch this weekend.
I'm excited to say, we can go live, right now to the man himself.
Ah, g'day, I'm Rupert Murdoch.
Sorry, I didn't realise you were coming round.
I haven't fully taken on human form.
I imagine I'd be a little embarrassed right now, if I could experience human emotions.
I've been under attack recently, so I did what comes naturally.
My tail fell off, and I turned the same colour as the curtains.
That bloody Leveson Inquiry.
All that jabber from Hugh Grant, and Steve Coogan, about how we hacked their phones.
And now Cherie Blair.
Can't that woman keep her mouth shut? Fucking enormous, she probably can't.
Come on people, at the end of the day, I'm only human.
At the beginning of the day I'm a six-dimensional, shape-shifting, lizard.
Might just treat myself.
Oh, that's That's bonza! Yeah! Anyway, on with business.
Some people say I brought standards of journalism down.
I shouldn't really have eaten halfway through this.
Some people say I brought standards of journalism down! Fair dinkum.
But to be fair, I brought standards of phone hacking up.
As for the suspended journalists, I believe My accent's better when I'm eating.
As for the suspended journalists, I believe they are innocent until proven incredibly guilty.
I will not rest until they change their names and continue in their jobs.
Now, this weekend, I'm launching my brand new I've swallowed the mouse's head, finally.
That was a bad idea! Anyway, this weekend I'm launching my brand new, nothing-like-the News of the World newspaper, The Sun on Sunday.
My shareholders, that's Mr Udagawa, he's staying at Lassiters I'm from Australia, you know.
Are worried that I'm overly keen on the Sun.
Quite the opposite.
If I go out in the Sun, I burst into flames and my eyes explode, it's a horrible sight.
Now, rest assured, The Sun on Sunday isn't simply going to be the News of the World with a different name, no.
One.
We're not just employing News of the World staff.
We're hiring an extra cleaner on alternate Tuesdays.
Totally different team.
Two.
The focus will be on the news.
It's going to contain lots of news.
In fact, it's going to contain all the News of the World.
Three.
I promise you, with my hand on where my heart should be, none of the journalists, will be caught phone hacking.
As long as they're careful.
Aah, might treat myself.
A little bit of the amber nectar.
It's what I call my urine.
I'm a monster, you getting this? People ask me, "Rupert, how do you sleep at night?" I say, "Upside down, suspended in a cocoon like everyone else.
" Ah, perfect timing.
That's Rebekah Brooks there.
Looking lovely as always, Rebekah.
Jesus fucking wept! What a terrible looking woman.
I can give you a sneak preview of the front page.
It's an exclusive in the Sun on Sunday about Hugh Grant being burned to death by a giant lizard.
"Hugh: What A Scorcher!" That'll teach the larrikin.
Right, I'm off to meet Toadfish at the Surf Club.
Laters! Ah well, thank you, Rupert.
Now, World War III, and all eyes are on Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, whose defiant stance is raising tensions in a notoriously sensitive region.
As you can see from this shocking training footage here he is limbering up for an early morning arms race, or jog, Rocky-style, toning his buns with some dictator-cize, and pedalling away on his cycle of violence.
This holocaust denial is hard work! The war of words is in full swing.
Iran calls America the "Great Satan", so America's Fox News has retaliated by likening Iran to a terrifying wild beast.
But first from Fox this Thursday night word that Iran these days is like a bumblebee.
Leave it alone and it won't hurt you.
Of course, most bumblebees do not have nuclear programmes.
Yeah.
Yep.
That is true, that is true.
Most bumblebees do not have nuclear programmes.
Although significantly, that means some bumblebees do.
And if they sell that technology to the wasps all our picnics are fucked.
Still if Iran is a bee that won't hurt you if you leave it alone, it's a shame the Israelis seem hell-bent on swatting it.
Grizzly headlines suggest Mossad may be behind the recent murder of an Iranian nuclear scientist, killed when a mystery biker stuck a magnetic bomb to his car blowing him to pieces.
The result was the worst mess a scientist's left in the back of a vehicle since Brian Cox went down with the norovirus during a cab ride to BBC Bristol.
Undaunted, the Iranians have been accused of further raising tensions with a live broadcast from a nuclear plant which began with Ahmadinejad receiving a fuel rod as a surprise gift.
And like anyone getting a present he had to pretend he was delighted.
Ah! Ohhh, yes, a radioactive metal plank.
It's just what I always wanted.
Oh look, you can stand it on its end and everything.
It's great that.
Don't suppose you kept the receipt? Incidentally you can tell Iran doesn't have many experienced nuclear scientists still alive.
I mean, take a look at this, I'm no nuclear expert but I would at least wrap a tea towel round that fuel rod before handling it.
Those guys will end up with a nasty case of Fukushima Fingers.
Iran's defiant stance has once again raised tensions in this sensitive region as reflected in recent news coverage, which is rammed with thrilling teaser trailers for the inevitable war to come.
Bombastic graphics about nuclear threats and alarming maps depicting how the credits of Dad's Army could become a chilling reality.
And that's not all, no.
The US military are putting on an impressive show of strength in the Gulf inviting news cameras onto their kill boats which bristle with huge guns manned by the kind of angry nerd who looks like he's secretly contemplating a workplace massacre.
Given all that, Iran must be developing a nuclear weapon, right? Well, the news in the Navy clearly seem to think so.
But if anyone should really know it's US Defense Secretary Leon Panetta who only last month said, "Are they trying to develop a nuclear weapon? "No.
" No? Those devious Iranian bastards.
If they're already not developing a nuclear bomb, who knows what else they could go on to not develop? Maybe right now they're not working on a massive metal death dick that'll piss the very sun out of the sky.
We just don't know.
So let's assume the worst.
And there is one weapon they definitely do have.
I'm talking, of course, about female ninjas.
I'm not making that up.
Last week genuinely unveiled a female ninja squad.
You can see one of them there.
Pretty daunting, but imagine what she'll look like when she puts on her ninja costume.
The Iranian Lady Ninjas don't just stand around.
No, they also move.
Here in synchronized action.
Terrifying stuff.
In fact, in direct response to these scenes Britain has unveiled plans to weaponize Diversity.
As you can see, unlike Ashley Banjo and co, the Iranian ninjas are utterly ruthless.
They'll leap fearlessly over swords, they'll attack the floor, they'll even attack their own reflection.
And they'll stare at you while balancing with their legs wide apart.
Perhaps the clearest example yet of a defiant Iranian stance that raises tension in a notoriously sensitive region.
Shame on you, Iran.
Shame on you.
Lauren.
This week, William Hague scared the hell out of everyone when he said that there was, "a threat of a new Cold War in the Middle East.
" So without being overdramatic, we're clearly on the verge of World War III.
Let's have a look at who might start it.
First contender, Iran.
Here's the evidence.
Are we playing Top Trumps? No, this in no way resembles any branded card game, Jimmy, why would you even say that? Good to know.
David, how concerned are you by that on a scale of crying to shitting yourself? As someone who cries and shits himself most days Right up there! To coin a phrase.
No, I think, I'd like to think that these things generally work out OK, but as a student of history I know that they don't.
OK.
We all know that Ahmadinejad's scary.
But let's find out a little bit more about him.
For example, OMG, have you seen his blog? This is totally genuine.
Although I'm not sure he's got time to moderate the comments board, as my favourite is, Amazing! And real! Ahmadinejad invites readers to send him questions that he'll answer.
Jimmy, what would you ask him, do you think? I'd say, me and three of my gay mates are going down the synagogue for a pint, want to join? How about you guys, David? I think I'd probably ask him about the future of the euro? I'd ask him about that photo of the kid on his blog.
I don't know if we can see that.
The one with the hat.
I'd ask him if he was disguising him as a missile.
What a cynic that man is! He's a teeny tiny Klansman.
OK.
Next contender, Israel.
Let's take a look at their credentials.
Israeli politicians said they'll do whatever it takes to protect themselves.
Jimmy, are they a serious contender to start the next world war? I dunno if they'll start the next war, but they'll definitely be a venue.
I think they might be the "host city" so to speak.
It'll kick of there.
All right, apparently they haven't just got nukes up their sleeves, they've got other weapons too.
Last year, Egyptian officials accused Israel of training sharks to attack their tourists.
And Saudi Arabian security forces arrested an Israeli vulture for spying on them.
I'm still most worried about the nukes.
Even with vultures and sharks.
Even with all those in the mix.
However well you train a shark it's not as good as a nuclear weapon.
How can you arrest a vulture? How do you detain? Don't make me talk about Hartlepool, Charlie.
That won't end well for me.
I'm from Sunderland.
How do you fingerprint it? What was the vulture doing? Why did they arrest a vulture? Maybe it had a little camera and was just going, "I'm just circling, just in case.
" I'm assuming that it's some sort of surveillance thing rather that sort of theft of rotting flesh? Where else would a vulture get a camera, David? It's a logical question.
We'll move on to North Korea, away from the Middle East.
Oh, of course, they could start it, couldn't they? Let's see how they fare.
Their leader, Kim Jung Un, is the new despot on the block.
Charlie Is that the same baby that was talking to Ahmadinejad a minute ago? Charlie, does he look scary to you? No.
He looks like he's got a lot on his plate.
I can't believe North Korea put Michael McIntyre in charge.
Sorry, can I just say, that is very unkind to Michael, I apologise.
Sorry, Michael.
It's just the hair.
It's fine.
He's be OK about the hair.
Let's find out a little bit more about him since he is new.
According to his official biography, Kim Jung Un had learned to shoot and drive by the age of three.
When we do it in the North East apparently it's wrong, but there it's OK.
One of his school friends in Switzerland described him as If I was at school with a kid whose dad had a nuclear bomb I wouldn't nickname him anything.
Apart from maybe Captain Brilliant.
OK, so those are your three options, or are they? Do you think anyone else? Who do you think's going to start World War III? Missed anyone? I think Germany have got form.
I don't know whether they'll do it with an army.
I think they might do it with a Central Bank.
They've already taken over Greece.
I think we have to look where we're not expecting trouble.
Like Scotland.
They're going for national sovereignty, they may become a country anytime soon.
Our nuclear weapons are kept there.
Who's to say they'll let us have them back? I think it's already a country! It's not Is it? In what way is it a country? Is it part of a country or a whole country? If it's a whole country what's all the fucking fuss about?! Charlie That should be the slogan for their tourist board.
Are we actually taking bets on who we think will start World War III? Hasn't it already started? When they look back in the history books No, it's all right.
Is 9/11 going to be the France Don't frighten the crowd.
Don't scare the horses! Hasn't it started? There's a lot of wars on currently.
You could make an argument They may congeal into one big one you could stick an easy label on, I guess.
That's a depressing but true thought! I just don't think we've branded what we're already doing correctly.
Do you think it needs a logo?! Yeah! The First World War was the Great War, then we had the Second World War, this one, clearly, there's a lot going on, we should give it a name.
Super War! Not bad! Not bad! If it's happening and we don't realise it because we haven't named it then I say good, and more fool those idiots who named the Second World War and made everyone so scared.
I'm very confused about which war we're fighting! We might have to return to this but let's leave it there for now, we'll see you shortly.
Welcome back.
There are just 156 days to go until the Olympics and I could not be more excited.
Not about the running and jumping and bikes, but about the cultural Olympiad which is happening at the same time.
The Government are really talking it up.
They're billing it as "a series of events to showcase "the UK's art and culture to the rest of the world.
" A series of events, brilliant.
And it's only going to cost £97 million! What are we going to get for the money? Let's take a look.
Let's begin with art in public spaces, Godiva Awakes is a piece inspired by the legend of Lady Godiva.
As you can see from this exciting promotional video, there's no better way to celebrate the story of a woman who famously rode naked on horseback through Coventry, than by transporting a vast aluminium puppet wearing a coat from Coventry to London by bike! No wonder this lady's jazzed.
On the night that Godiva wakes for the first time, there will be a spectacular performance in this square and people will remember it forever.
And they will say, "I was there.
" "I was part of it".
And then they will say, "What even was that?!" We'll reply, "A gigantic horse bike that cost just 2.
8 million quid! "Happy Olympics, everyone!" But the cultural Olympiad isn't just about incongruous and inexplicably enormous cycle-based puppetry, it's also about theatre and what could be more appropriate for Britain's cultural Olympiad than to have one of Hollywood's biggest Australian stars performing a German play? Gross Und Klein starring Cate Blanchett is fun for all the family, presuming the family in question enjoy bewildering German metaphysical theatre.
And if you like music, prepare to have your mind blown.
I'm talking, of course, about the almost inevitable union of the string quartet and ping-pong.
The ping-quartet.
To tell us more, here's the visionary who brought the two together.
We're having four table tennis players in the piece.
The table tennis table itself is going to become a, er, projector and we're also going to project the film on to the table at the same time, which is going to be kind of customised a bit.
I mean, it's so clever, it's so clever because it sounds like he doesn't know what he's talking about! It sounds like he's making shit up on the spot, but that's the genius.
Don't try to understand it.
No normal human can.
I could go on, there's the mile high column of man-made cloud, the lump of rock that's been dug up and towed from the Arctic, to say nothing of the of the three 30-foot high, hand-crocheted lions, and so much more besides, and all for just £97 million.
This cultural Olympiad is going to be epic! So, should you have to work for your benefits? The Government has been criticised for encouraging job seekers to do unpaid work experience at companies like Tesco.
Is this slave labour in aid of evil conglomerates, or the first rung on a ladder that leads to the top shelf where you have to stack the beans? Iain Duncan Smith blames an X-Factor mentality where you sit on your arse and wait to be shot to stardom.
He advocates more realistic aspirations.
As Oscar Wilde said, "We're all in the gutter, "but some of us have our eye on part time work "in the Curry's stock room.
" So, do we really have an X-Factor entitlement culture? With me to discuss this are How the hell did you get hold of my PIN number? Well, if I told you, I'd have to kill you.
I've already had to steal all your money.
Matt, you're someone for whom The X-Factor transformed your life.
Absolutely.
How did you feel when you heard about Iain Duncan Smith's comments? I don't think it's quite fair.
There's a lot of hard work and preparation that goes into being able to get on to a show like X-Factor or Britain's Got Talent and Big Brother to an extent and it was 17 years in my case.
I sense there's rivalry between you.
Look down on the Big Brother people, they just have to hang around the kitchen and moan.
There's a lot more to it than that.
It was 17 years in my case, obviously there are some chancers in that show, but You think that his feeling that such aspirations are dragging our society down is unfair? I think it's an amazing thing to dream and have ambition in any respect.
If Alan Sugar didn't have a dream, he wouldn't have done what he's done.
But it's not all good news? No.
Yeah, I think it's great to dream.
We need to be able to dream.
Julia, this government scheme, where you're on Jobseeker's Allowance and you go and work in a place and they don't have to pay you, that's slave labour.
Except you are being paid by every one of us who pays taxes.
You are being paid.
It's not an enforced scheme.
It's not "We're going to kill you, if you don't go on the scheme.
" They don't kill them if they don't go on it?! I totally assumed they killed them! No! 34,000 people enrolled on the scheme.
It's oversubscribed They probably only killed 2,000 or 3,000 in an administrative error.
Exactly.
50% of the people who go on the scheme either are in permanent work at the end of it, or stop claiming benefits Because they probably got killed.
Or they already got work on the black market.
Anyway, this is not slave labour.
This right-to-work protest, it's not the right to work, as long as it's a job you want and dreamt about all your life.
Sorry, that's not how it works these days.
You do wonder where we've come to as a country, when we have to debate whether we have to pay people for doing an honest day's work.
And you're wrong, there is another scheme, mandatory work activity That's a different scheme.
They're still one of the schemes and under that, you have your benefits taken away if you refuse to work.
People who can't find work are offered a job, they refuse to take it, we take their benefits away.
I'm in favour of that.
I am.
Pipe down a minute.
What we're seeing with this scheme is us, the taxpayer, we have to pay a pittance, Jobseeker's allowance is £67.
50 a week, whilst the big corporations, I know Tesco is hard up, they only make £10 million every day, they get the taxpayer to pay a pittance for these people to survive and they pay nothing.
They're making a massive business opportunity out of the fact we've got a massive recession and numbers of people out of work.
You're being paid a fee, the same as me.
It would take seven and a half weeks for someone on this scheme to get the same amount of money.
Yet people are applying for this scheme, and 3,000 of the people who've gone on the scheme with Tesco's out of 14,000 have got permanent work.
It might not be work you think's worthwhile, but it's a job and it's a start.
Don't start with this stuff, most of us I didn't start in my dream job and you didn't and you didn't.
The issue of whether shelf stacking in Tesco is someone's dream job is a side issue.
It must be true of some people.
It takes all sorts.
Isn't it true that if Tesco are getting people to work there and they're not having to pay them, doesn't that depress the job market for the unskilled jobs, defeating the object of the scheme? They won't start paying people to do the jobs if they can get them for free.
That is a reasonable, valid concern.
The issue is they're taking people on.
The biggest difficulty for young people is they haven't got the experience, the CV, the foot in the door, the crucial things for getting work.
We're not talking about people in their 30s, 40s, with experience and able to do other work.
We're talking about people without good qualifications, and we're giving them a foot in the door, and a chance to get work experience and they're getting jobs at the end of it.
Why is there anything to complain about? Work experience is a great thing, but it should be paid.
A company like Tesco's Owen, to be fair, a lot of employers are reluctant to employ young people with no experience.
Is this not a useful scheme? It allows, it's giving an incentive to employers to try out with young people in a market where a lot of people are looking for jobs and where they can ignore people with no experience, because they'll have their pick of people who've done jobs before? The figure you came up with, that 50% I didn't, that's an official figure.
A lot of those people are falling off the system, they give up or are going into education and training.
It's a small proportion who go on to get a full-time job.
All that happens is a massively profitable company like Tesco who are raking it in, even in a recession, "Yeah, thanks very much, we'll take some free labour.
" Every unpaid position they have, could be a paid job and it drags down everyone else's wages.
"We don't have to pay you a lot.
We can take someone in for free".
Matt, your experience Matt, your experience as it were, following your dream, rather than taking a more achievable paid work has been a good one, but is there not some truth in the argument making people see that as a realistic aspiration is unfair on them and going to make people unhappy, because what happened to you, can't happen to most of the people who want it to happen to them? I think if you've got the minerals in any sense to do, to fulfil your dream, then I think there's no reason why you shouldn't believe and if you believe in yourself, other people will, they can believe in you as well.
Most people don't have Matt Cardle's talent.
Millions of people do, but haven't had the opportunity I've had.
There are lots of people who don't.
There are people who totally believe in themselves but are delusional.
There's millions of people that do what I do, but didn't go on the show and are still doing the jobs There aren't millions of people who are singers.
There might be millions who do clerical work, but I don't think there are millions of singers.
Our society would be very much, well noisier! Maybe not millions, yeah, fair play.
Would you say there's anything unreasonable about the principle someone who's been on the dole for a long time might be compelled to do something for that dole if they're able-bodied? That's it.
We just need work in this country.
There's not enough jobs to go around.
They could do gardening and stuff in waste ground.
Make the place prettier, it doesn't have to be for Tesco.
The Telegraph, not known to be left wing, pointed out last month that there are 22 unemployed people chasing every vacancy.
I don't think we should be punishing people because of a crisis they had nothing to do with.
We should get people into proper secure work, rather than turning them into an army to do your gardening I don't have a garden.
I've got some moss on my balcony.
I'll help out! There aren't enough jobs to go around.
In 2010, nine out of ten of the jobs didn't go to young British people.
We have to leave it there.
We haven't quite solved the problem, but the advertisers want to speak to us and that keeps the economy going.
Thank you all for coming along.
Welcome back to 10 O'Clock Live, there's just time to look at one more story that's caught our eye this week - Scandinavian booby news.
It was reported that Finally.
Reported this week that the husband of the Finnish president embarrassed himself when he was caught on camera perving at Princess Mary of Denmark's cleavage.
This is textbook for a classic example of "pretending not to look".
Uh, gents, this is the way to do it.
Just looking.
"What a lovely necklace.
" Now, just look at the necklace Oh.
"Just looking at the chandeliers.
"I think there's a cobweb up there.
" Jimmy? I really love that he was going, "Oh, hang on, "I wonder if there are more boobs on the ceiling? I'll just check.
" He was really popping that in the bank, wasn't he? Took his time.
Could she Could she feel him looking? You can feel You can feel look They did a study.
Can you, Lauren? Can you? It doesn't count if you've come to expect it.
You can feel people's look, apparently.
Scientists did it, it's like a predator instinct.
They put people behind a wall, looked at them, and they could feel it.
How hard would you have to look to push someone over? Probably quite That's like Matilda, I don't know.
I didn't read all the way to the end.
That clip just reminds me that there's a great line from Seinfeld where somebody says, "Looking at cleavage is like staring at the sun.
"You can't look at it for too long, it's risky.
"You have to get a sense of it and then look away.
" Did he do the gentlemanly thing? Very wise.
Did he do the gentlemanly thing, do you think? He didn't make noises and go for a grab.
If he'd gone then She's a princess, that's too much.
Sure.
OK.
It'd be bad if Finland and Denmark go to war over that.
Let's hope not.
Right, we've got to go, see you next week.
Goodnight.
It's Wednesday 22nd February.
And this week, Greece has signed up for a 130 billion euro bailout agreement.
To understand the bailout, think of Greece as a kebab, Germany as an enormous fat man eating a kebab and the bailout as an unpayable fiscal burden that turns a nation into perpetual debt slaves to the mega banks With onions on top and chilli sauce.
What are we talking about this week? Charlie, what will you be doing? I'm going to be looking at Iran.
There's been lots of tension in the Gulf.
Iran has threatened to close the Strait of Hormuz.
I don't know if you know what that is.
It's the Middle East's G-spot.
A bit of friction there can cause huge shockwaves and until last week, I had absolutely no idea it existed.
Until an angry woman showed me where it was on a diagram.
David, you are going to be tackling Britain's slave labour problem? Yes, this isn't the sort of slave labour where some travellers take you prisoner and make you tarmac drives for years.
This is actually Tesco that could be doing that, but is it slavery perpetrated by big corporations or is it just a sort of Bob-a-Job week for layabouts? That's what I'll be discussing.
That's a good name for the scheme, Bob-a-Job For Layabouts.
Should have called it that.
That's this show.
Jimmy, you're going to be giving us a rare glimpse into Rupert Murdoch's world? Well, people often on television say very unfair things about Rupert Murdoch, so stay tuned for some more of that! Meanwhile, I'll be examining the week's big bust-ups.
First, over to Jimmy to tell us about this week so far.
In the news this week, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley was heckled by an elderly woman on Monday over his NHS reforms.
It was unfortunate for Lansley, but only strengthened his resolve, as under his planned reforms, she would have died 25 years ago.
Only four days to go to the launch of The Sun On Sunday.
on the latest gossip from Milly Dowler's voicemail.
I didn't do it! Rupert Murdoch has stressed that The Sun On Sunday will be very different from the News Of The World.
Really? I probably won't read it, then! Phone hacking latest - Cherie Blair is suing News Corp and the reporter Glenn Mulcaire.
Mulcaire is staring into the abyss and there, at the back of the abyss, are Cherie Blair's tonsils.
Initially, Cherie Blair couldn't believe she'd been hacked.
It's the first thing she's found hard to swallow since a live piglet she tried to eat whole in 1997.
She has a big mouth, everyone.
Greece is to receive a new eurozone bailout package worth 130 billion euros.
Here's how the new bailout will work.
It won't! Greece's credit rating has been downgraded to CCC, which means they can no longer borrow on the international money markets, but they could still get into Loughborough University to do sports science.
Sporting news now.
David Haye and Dereck Chisora may be banned from boxing after their brawl at a press conference.
This could be a disaster for the two fighters, who now stand to earn millions of pounds in a grudge match set up by an obvious publicity stunt.
Poor fellas.
The day before, Chisora slapped Ukrainian boxer Vitali Klitschko in the face, which was a real slap in the face for Vitali Klitschko! Fun, right? It's a fun game.
It's been officially announced that the footballer at the centre of the Imogen Thomas gagging order was Ryan Giggs.
Ryan Giggs, can you believe it? I knew that Natasha Giggs was involved and Rhodri Giggs and Rhodri Giggs' brother, but I had no idea it was Ryan Giggs.
I'm surprised he didn't try and cover that up.
Wait until his wife finds out.
Britain faces its worst drought for 30 years.
People are being told to limit the number of baths they take, which is good advice during a drought, but too little, too late for Whitney Houston.
There we are.
That was a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions for our audience there shocked, appalled, laughed, applauded.
Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, has launched a new scheme that hopes to make people proud to be British in the Jubilee and Olympic year.
Pickles has been accused of jumping on the bandwagon.
I wouldn't want to be that bandwagon.
Lloyds Bank have announced they intend to claw back bonuses worth £2 million from ten senior bankers.
Great news.
Operation Too Little Too Late Drop In The Ocean Smokescreen has gone brilliantly.
Iran has stopped selling crude oil to Britain.
This means that not only will fuel prices increase, but we'll also lose out on 50 billion Nectar points! We could have had a kettle! Theresa May announced that the UK Border Agency will split into two.
The job of the new hard-hitting enforcement agency will be to kick out foreign nationals who don't have the right to be in Britain.
It will be headed by John Terry.
And that was the news this week! Brilliant.
Well done.
So, biggest moment this week - well, one of, anyway - Andrew Lansley, on Monday, collared outside Downing Street on his way to the NHS Summit.
This is the incredible moment when 75-year-old June Hautot took Lansley to task.
People are waiting for a bed now.
And when it goes private When it goes private, we won't have any beds.
I've had enough of you.
I've had enough of you and Cameron.
Are you going to go home.
.
? The NHS is not for sale.
There's no privatisation.
Oh, codswallop! You've been privatising since 1979! Don't you dare lie to me! You're not going! I'm not letting you go! I'm not letting you go! I'll go the other way.
No, I've been waiting! I've been standing here! You're not going! Greedy.
Greedy.
Greedy.
Boo! Yeah! I'll have what she's having.
Jimmy.
Well, it's one of Catherine Tate's best performances! She's just so good in everything.
She really is.
It's amazing.
Charlie, did he handle that well? It's testament to how good the NHS is that a 75-year-old woman is healthy enough to scream in a minister's face for that long.
I think he didn't handle it particularly well.
Maybe what he should have done is leant in and kissed her for a full minute.
Then turned round, winked at the camera and been on his way.
That's your solution to everything.
I think he's aroused by dissenting pensioners.
It's the only explanation.
Why didn't he, just like, go in the back entrance? The door! I was trying to think of a way It really makes me sitting here It's very clear that you weren't wondering why he didn't shag her up the arse.
Thank you! Do you know what I would have done in that scenario, were I Lansley? I would have said, "Oh, I get this all the time.
You think I'm him.
"I get this a lot.
Oh, I hate that guy.
" Is that your technique? "Gots to go.
" The thing that puzzles me about it is it happens quite a lot, politicians getting doorstepped by little old ladies, and I dare say it will happen more now.
What we all expect, as a nation, is for them to listen carefully and really try and look like they give a shit.
We know they don't give a shit.
He's not really pleased to hear the little old lady's opinion.
He's thinking, "Shut up, you bitch! "I'm more important than you.
" We don't like our politicians lying a lot of the time, but in instances like that, we want him to lie.
We want him to put on this fake face of interest.
It's interesting.
He couldn't be much less popular now, anyway, so is he not tempted to pull an Adele and just go, "Come on.
" Be amazing if he did.
Obviously, when Gordon Brown was unmasked, having dealt in a similar incident with an old lady quite differently behind her back, that did for him in the end, but not everybody is quite as smooth.
Lansley dealt with that as best as he could, but look at a real pro dealing with hecklers in this BBC interview.
You guys have got nothing to talk about but speculation.
We don't know until the deal is done.
So you go and talk to somebody who says, "Oh, I think this" or somebody says It's whether the negotiations between the leaders sort this out, and that's what we have to do.
But if you put together the numbers between Labour, the Liberal Democrats and the others Can you keep your mouth shut for a moment, love?! Put 'em up! Put 'em up! I could be wrong, but it feels that the hand movement he did was testing whether he had the reach to get to the woman, for his trademark little bang! I mean, was that better? That's much better.
Everyone knows that the politicians are annoyed.
With Lansley and the old lady, she's never going to vote for him in a million years.
He might as well say "You'll never vote Tory, "so I officially don't care what you think.
" That would be more honest.
How brutally honest do you want them to be? Precisely as brutally honest as I've described.
Logic bomb! Pfft! OK, well, Langley versus Hautot wasn't the only scrap this week.
British boxers, as Jimmy mentioned, David Haye and Dereck Chisora came to blows in a press conference in Munich.
Let's remind ourselves of the brutal exchange.
When David Haye challenged Dereck Chisora at his press conference, it seemed the usual pantomime knockabout.
But as Chisora came to confront him, it became anything but.
For several chaotic minutes, the pair brawled, sending reporters and cameras flying.
Attempts to break them up proved fruitless.
At one point, Haye brandished a camera tripod.
Even by boxing's standards, the ugliest of fracas.
You've had enough nights out with the Bigg Market.
It's no big deal to me.
Charlie, what did you make of it? Are tripods not allowed in boxing? I don't really know how boxing works.
That just looks like a release of pent-up sexual tension.
Boxing is quite camp.
It's two guys fighting over a belt.
Now, you say that.
There is a purse as well.
And lovely bouncy ropes and long shorts.
What's not to like? And lots of satin, actually.
OK, well, David Haye is full of remorse.
Yesterday, he tweeted: Along with this picture of him thinking about the consequences of his actions.
David, do you think he is taking all the criticism seriously? Well, no.
But, you know, then, who is? I think I mean, they they like to fight, don't they? It's proving that they like to fight in their spare time as well! You could have been asked about the Middle East and said that.
It's always nice to see a prostitute have sex for fun occasionally.
The same goes for a boxer and a fight.
OK.
Ding, ding.
End of round one.
Let's have some adverts.
We'll see you in a bit.
Welcome back.
The beleaguered billionaire Rupert Murdoch announced this week that the first ever edition of the Sun on Sunday is to launch this weekend.
I'm excited to say, we can go live, right now to the man himself.
Ah, g'day, I'm Rupert Murdoch.
Sorry, I didn't realise you were coming round.
I haven't fully taken on human form.
I imagine I'd be a little embarrassed right now, if I could experience human emotions.
I've been under attack recently, so I did what comes naturally.
My tail fell off, and I turned the same colour as the curtains.
That bloody Leveson Inquiry.
All that jabber from Hugh Grant, and Steve Coogan, about how we hacked their phones.
And now Cherie Blair.
Can't that woman keep her mouth shut? Fucking enormous, she probably can't.
Come on people, at the end of the day, I'm only human.
At the beginning of the day I'm a six-dimensional, shape-shifting, lizard.
Might just treat myself.
Oh, that's That's bonza! Yeah! Anyway, on with business.
Some people say I brought standards of journalism down.
I shouldn't really have eaten halfway through this.
Some people say I brought standards of journalism down! Fair dinkum.
But to be fair, I brought standards of phone hacking up.
As for the suspended journalists, I believe My accent's better when I'm eating.
As for the suspended journalists, I believe they are innocent until proven incredibly guilty.
I will not rest until they change their names and continue in their jobs.
Now, this weekend, I'm launching my brand new I've swallowed the mouse's head, finally.
That was a bad idea! Anyway, this weekend I'm launching my brand new, nothing-like-the News of the World newspaper, The Sun on Sunday.
My shareholders, that's Mr Udagawa, he's staying at Lassiters I'm from Australia, you know.
Are worried that I'm overly keen on the Sun.
Quite the opposite.
If I go out in the Sun, I burst into flames and my eyes explode, it's a horrible sight.
Now, rest assured, The Sun on Sunday isn't simply going to be the News of the World with a different name, no.
One.
We're not just employing News of the World staff.
We're hiring an extra cleaner on alternate Tuesdays.
Totally different team.
Two.
The focus will be on the news.
It's going to contain lots of news.
In fact, it's going to contain all the News of the World.
Three.
I promise you, with my hand on where my heart should be, none of the journalists, will be caught phone hacking.
As long as they're careful.
Aah, might treat myself.
A little bit of the amber nectar.
It's what I call my urine.
I'm a monster, you getting this? People ask me, "Rupert, how do you sleep at night?" I say, "Upside down, suspended in a cocoon like everyone else.
" Ah, perfect timing.
That's Rebekah Brooks there.
Looking lovely as always, Rebekah.
Jesus fucking wept! What a terrible looking woman.
I can give you a sneak preview of the front page.
It's an exclusive in the Sun on Sunday about Hugh Grant being burned to death by a giant lizard.
"Hugh: What A Scorcher!" That'll teach the larrikin.
Right, I'm off to meet Toadfish at the Surf Club.
Laters! Ah well, thank you, Rupert.
Now, World War III, and all eyes are on Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, whose defiant stance is raising tensions in a notoriously sensitive region.
As you can see from this shocking training footage here he is limbering up for an early morning arms race, or jog, Rocky-style, toning his buns with some dictator-cize, and pedalling away on his cycle of violence.
This holocaust denial is hard work! The war of words is in full swing.
Iran calls America the "Great Satan", so America's Fox News has retaliated by likening Iran to a terrifying wild beast.
But first from Fox this Thursday night word that Iran these days is like a bumblebee.
Leave it alone and it won't hurt you.
Of course, most bumblebees do not have nuclear programmes.
Yeah.
Yep.
That is true, that is true.
Most bumblebees do not have nuclear programmes.
Although significantly, that means some bumblebees do.
And if they sell that technology to the wasps all our picnics are fucked.
Still if Iran is a bee that won't hurt you if you leave it alone, it's a shame the Israelis seem hell-bent on swatting it.
Grizzly headlines suggest Mossad may be behind the recent murder of an Iranian nuclear scientist, killed when a mystery biker stuck a magnetic bomb to his car blowing him to pieces.
The result was the worst mess a scientist's left in the back of a vehicle since Brian Cox went down with the norovirus during a cab ride to BBC Bristol.
Undaunted, the Iranians have been accused of further raising tensions with a live broadcast from a nuclear plant which began with Ahmadinejad receiving a fuel rod as a surprise gift.
And like anyone getting a present he had to pretend he was delighted.
Ah! Ohhh, yes, a radioactive metal plank.
It's just what I always wanted.
Oh look, you can stand it on its end and everything.
It's great that.
Don't suppose you kept the receipt? Incidentally you can tell Iran doesn't have many experienced nuclear scientists still alive.
I mean, take a look at this, I'm no nuclear expert but I would at least wrap a tea towel round that fuel rod before handling it.
Those guys will end up with a nasty case of Fukushima Fingers.
Iran's defiant stance has once again raised tensions in this sensitive region as reflected in recent news coverage, which is rammed with thrilling teaser trailers for the inevitable war to come.
Bombastic graphics about nuclear threats and alarming maps depicting how the credits of Dad's Army could become a chilling reality.
And that's not all, no.
The US military are putting on an impressive show of strength in the Gulf inviting news cameras onto their kill boats which bristle with huge guns manned by the kind of angry nerd who looks like he's secretly contemplating a workplace massacre.
Given all that, Iran must be developing a nuclear weapon, right? Well, the news in the Navy clearly seem to think so.
But if anyone should really know it's US Defense Secretary Leon Panetta who only last month said, "Are they trying to develop a nuclear weapon? "No.
" No? Those devious Iranian bastards.
If they're already not developing a nuclear bomb, who knows what else they could go on to not develop? Maybe right now they're not working on a massive metal death dick that'll piss the very sun out of the sky.
We just don't know.
So let's assume the worst.
And there is one weapon they definitely do have.
I'm talking, of course, about female ninjas.
I'm not making that up.
Last week genuinely unveiled a female ninja squad.
You can see one of them there.
Pretty daunting, but imagine what she'll look like when she puts on her ninja costume.
The Iranian Lady Ninjas don't just stand around.
No, they also move.
Here in synchronized action.
Terrifying stuff.
In fact, in direct response to these scenes Britain has unveiled plans to weaponize Diversity.
As you can see, unlike Ashley Banjo and co, the Iranian ninjas are utterly ruthless.
They'll leap fearlessly over swords, they'll attack the floor, they'll even attack their own reflection.
And they'll stare at you while balancing with their legs wide apart.
Perhaps the clearest example yet of a defiant Iranian stance that raises tension in a notoriously sensitive region.
Shame on you, Iran.
Shame on you.
Lauren.
This week, William Hague scared the hell out of everyone when he said that there was, "a threat of a new Cold War in the Middle East.
" So without being overdramatic, we're clearly on the verge of World War III.
Let's have a look at who might start it.
First contender, Iran.
Here's the evidence.
Are we playing Top Trumps? No, this in no way resembles any branded card game, Jimmy, why would you even say that? Good to know.
David, how concerned are you by that on a scale of crying to shitting yourself? As someone who cries and shits himself most days Right up there! To coin a phrase.
No, I think, I'd like to think that these things generally work out OK, but as a student of history I know that they don't.
OK.
We all know that Ahmadinejad's scary.
But let's find out a little bit more about him.
For example, OMG, have you seen his blog? This is totally genuine.
Although I'm not sure he's got time to moderate the comments board, as my favourite is, Amazing! And real! Ahmadinejad invites readers to send him questions that he'll answer.
Jimmy, what would you ask him, do you think? I'd say, me and three of my gay mates are going down the synagogue for a pint, want to join? How about you guys, David? I think I'd probably ask him about the future of the euro? I'd ask him about that photo of the kid on his blog.
I don't know if we can see that.
The one with the hat.
I'd ask him if he was disguising him as a missile.
What a cynic that man is! He's a teeny tiny Klansman.
OK.
Next contender, Israel.
Let's take a look at their credentials.
Israeli politicians said they'll do whatever it takes to protect themselves.
Jimmy, are they a serious contender to start the next world war? I dunno if they'll start the next war, but they'll definitely be a venue.
I think they might be the "host city" so to speak.
It'll kick of there.
All right, apparently they haven't just got nukes up their sleeves, they've got other weapons too.
Last year, Egyptian officials accused Israel of training sharks to attack their tourists.
And Saudi Arabian security forces arrested an Israeli vulture for spying on them.
I'm still most worried about the nukes.
Even with vultures and sharks.
Even with all those in the mix.
However well you train a shark it's not as good as a nuclear weapon.
How can you arrest a vulture? How do you detain? Don't make me talk about Hartlepool, Charlie.
That won't end well for me.
I'm from Sunderland.
How do you fingerprint it? What was the vulture doing? Why did they arrest a vulture? Maybe it had a little camera and was just going, "I'm just circling, just in case.
" I'm assuming that it's some sort of surveillance thing rather that sort of theft of rotting flesh? Where else would a vulture get a camera, David? It's a logical question.
We'll move on to North Korea, away from the Middle East.
Oh, of course, they could start it, couldn't they? Let's see how they fare.
Their leader, Kim Jung Un, is the new despot on the block.
Charlie Is that the same baby that was talking to Ahmadinejad a minute ago? Charlie, does he look scary to you? No.
He looks like he's got a lot on his plate.
I can't believe North Korea put Michael McIntyre in charge.
Sorry, can I just say, that is very unkind to Michael, I apologise.
Sorry, Michael.
It's just the hair.
It's fine.
He's be OK about the hair.
Let's find out a little bit more about him since he is new.
According to his official biography, Kim Jung Un had learned to shoot and drive by the age of three.
When we do it in the North East apparently it's wrong, but there it's OK.
One of his school friends in Switzerland described him as If I was at school with a kid whose dad had a nuclear bomb I wouldn't nickname him anything.
Apart from maybe Captain Brilliant.
OK, so those are your three options, or are they? Do you think anyone else? Who do you think's going to start World War III? Missed anyone? I think Germany have got form.
I don't know whether they'll do it with an army.
I think they might do it with a Central Bank.
They've already taken over Greece.
I think we have to look where we're not expecting trouble.
Like Scotland.
They're going for national sovereignty, they may become a country anytime soon.
Our nuclear weapons are kept there.
Who's to say they'll let us have them back? I think it's already a country! It's not Is it? In what way is it a country? Is it part of a country or a whole country? If it's a whole country what's all the fucking fuss about?! Charlie That should be the slogan for their tourist board.
Are we actually taking bets on who we think will start World War III? Hasn't it already started? When they look back in the history books No, it's all right.
Is 9/11 going to be the France Don't frighten the crowd.
Don't scare the horses! Hasn't it started? There's a lot of wars on currently.
You could make an argument They may congeal into one big one you could stick an easy label on, I guess.
That's a depressing but true thought! I just don't think we've branded what we're already doing correctly.
Do you think it needs a logo?! Yeah! The First World War was the Great War, then we had the Second World War, this one, clearly, there's a lot going on, we should give it a name.
Super War! Not bad! Not bad! If it's happening and we don't realise it because we haven't named it then I say good, and more fool those idiots who named the Second World War and made everyone so scared.
I'm very confused about which war we're fighting! We might have to return to this but let's leave it there for now, we'll see you shortly.
Welcome back.
There are just 156 days to go until the Olympics and I could not be more excited.
Not about the running and jumping and bikes, but about the cultural Olympiad which is happening at the same time.
The Government are really talking it up.
They're billing it as "a series of events to showcase "the UK's art and culture to the rest of the world.
" A series of events, brilliant.
And it's only going to cost £97 million! What are we going to get for the money? Let's take a look.
Let's begin with art in public spaces, Godiva Awakes is a piece inspired by the legend of Lady Godiva.
As you can see from this exciting promotional video, there's no better way to celebrate the story of a woman who famously rode naked on horseback through Coventry, than by transporting a vast aluminium puppet wearing a coat from Coventry to London by bike! No wonder this lady's jazzed.
On the night that Godiva wakes for the first time, there will be a spectacular performance in this square and people will remember it forever.
And they will say, "I was there.
" "I was part of it".
And then they will say, "What even was that?!" We'll reply, "A gigantic horse bike that cost just 2.
8 million quid! "Happy Olympics, everyone!" But the cultural Olympiad isn't just about incongruous and inexplicably enormous cycle-based puppetry, it's also about theatre and what could be more appropriate for Britain's cultural Olympiad than to have one of Hollywood's biggest Australian stars performing a German play? Gross Und Klein starring Cate Blanchett is fun for all the family, presuming the family in question enjoy bewildering German metaphysical theatre.
And if you like music, prepare to have your mind blown.
I'm talking, of course, about the almost inevitable union of the string quartet and ping-pong.
The ping-quartet.
To tell us more, here's the visionary who brought the two together.
We're having four table tennis players in the piece.
The table tennis table itself is going to become a, er, projector and we're also going to project the film on to the table at the same time, which is going to be kind of customised a bit.
I mean, it's so clever, it's so clever because it sounds like he doesn't know what he's talking about! It sounds like he's making shit up on the spot, but that's the genius.
Don't try to understand it.
No normal human can.
I could go on, there's the mile high column of man-made cloud, the lump of rock that's been dug up and towed from the Arctic, to say nothing of the of the three 30-foot high, hand-crocheted lions, and so much more besides, and all for just £97 million.
This cultural Olympiad is going to be epic! So, should you have to work for your benefits? The Government has been criticised for encouraging job seekers to do unpaid work experience at companies like Tesco.
Is this slave labour in aid of evil conglomerates, or the first rung on a ladder that leads to the top shelf where you have to stack the beans? Iain Duncan Smith blames an X-Factor mentality where you sit on your arse and wait to be shot to stardom.
He advocates more realistic aspirations.
As Oscar Wilde said, "We're all in the gutter, "but some of us have our eye on part time work "in the Curry's stock room.
" So, do we really have an X-Factor entitlement culture? With me to discuss this are How the hell did you get hold of my PIN number? Well, if I told you, I'd have to kill you.
I've already had to steal all your money.
Matt, you're someone for whom The X-Factor transformed your life.
Absolutely.
How did you feel when you heard about Iain Duncan Smith's comments? I don't think it's quite fair.
There's a lot of hard work and preparation that goes into being able to get on to a show like X-Factor or Britain's Got Talent and Big Brother to an extent and it was 17 years in my case.
I sense there's rivalry between you.
Look down on the Big Brother people, they just have to hang around the kitchen and moan.
There's a lot more to it than that.
It was 17 years in my case, obviously there are some chancers in that show, but You think that his feeling that such aspirations are dragging our society down is unfair? I think it's an amazing thing to dream and have ambition in any respect.
If Alan Sugar didn't have a dream, he wouldn't have done what he's done.
But it's not all good news? No.
Yeah, I think it's great to dream.
We need to be able to dream.
Julia, this government scheme, where you're on Jobseeker's Allowance and you go and work in a place and they don't have to pay you, that's slave labour.
Except you are being paid by every one of us who pays taxes.
You are being paid.
It's not an enforced scheme.
It's not "We're going to kill you, if you don't go on the scheme.
" They don't kill them if they don't go on it?! I totally assumed they killed them! No! 34,000 people enrolled on the scheme.
It's oversubscribed They probably only killed 2,000 or 3,000 in an administrative error.
Exactly.
50% of the people who go on the scheme either are in permanent work at the end of it, or stop claiming benefits Because they probably got killed.
Or they already got work on the black market.
Anyway, this is not slave labour.
This right-to-work protest, it's not the right to work, as long as it's a job you want and dreamt about all your life.
Sorry, that's not how it works these days.
You do wonder where we've come to as a country, when we have to debate whether we have to pay people for doing an honest day's work.
And you're wrong, there is another scheme, mandatory work activity That's a different scheme.
They're still one of the schemes and under that, you have your benefits taken away if you refuse to work.
People who can't find work are offered a job, they refuse to take it, we take their benefits away.
I'm in favour of that.
I am.
Pipe down a minute.
What we're seeing with this scheme is us, the taxpayer, we have to pay a pittance, Jobseeker's allowance is £67.
50 a week, whilst the big corporations, I know Tesco is hard up, they only make £10 million every day, they get the taxpayer to pay a pittance for these people to survive and they pay nothing.
They're making a massive business opportunity out of the fact we've got a massive recession and numbers of people out of work.
You're being paid a fee, the same as me.
It would take seven and a half weeks for someone on this scheme to get the same amount of money.
Yet people are applying for this scheme, and 3,000 of the people who've gone on the scheme with Tesco's out of 14,000 have got permanent work.
It might not be work you think's worthwhile, but it's a job and it's a start.
Don't start with this stuff, most of us I didn't start in my dream job and you didn't and you didn't.
The issue of whether shelf stacking in Tesco is someone's dream job is a side issue.
It must be true of some people.
It takes all sorts.
Isn't it true that if Tesco are getting people to work there and they're not having to pay them, doesn't that depress the job market for the unskilled jobs, defeating the object of the scheme? They won't start paying people to do the jobs if they can get them for free.
That is a reasonable, valid concern.
The issue is they're taking people on.
The biggest difficulty for young people is they haven't got the experience, the CV, the foot in the door, the crucial things for getting work.
We're not talking about people in their 30s, 40s, with experience and able to do other work.
We're talking about people without good qualifications, and we're giving them a foot in the door, and a chance to get work experience and they're getting jobs at the end of it.
Why is there anything to complain about? Work experience is a great thing, but it should be paid.
A company like Tesco's Owen, to be fair, a lot of employers are reluctant to employ young people with no experience.
Is this not a useful scheme? It allows, it's giving an incentive to employers to try out with young people in a market where a lot of people are looking for jobs and where they can ignore people with no experience, because they'll have their pick of people who've done jobs before? The figure you came up with, that 50% I didn't, that's an official figure.
A lot of those people are falling off the system, they give up or are going into education and training.
It's a small proportion who go on to get a full-time job.
All that happens is a massively profitable company like Tesco who are raking it in, even in a recession, "Yeah, thanks very much, we'll take some free labour.
" Every unpaid position they have, could be a paid job and it drags down everyone else's wages.
"We don't have to pay you a lot.
We can take someone in for free".
Matt, your experience Matt, your experience as it were, following your dream, rather than taking a more achievable paid work has been a good one, but is there not some truth in the argument making people see that as a realistic aspiration is unfair on them and going to make people unhappy, because what happened to you, can't happen to most of the people who want it to happen to them? I think if you've got the minerals in any sense to do, to fulfil your dream, then I think there's no reason why you shouldn't believe and if you believe in yourself, other people will, they can believe in you as well.
Most people don't have Matt Cardle's talent.
Millions of people do, but haven't had the opportunity I've had.
There are lots of people who don't.
There are people who totally believe in themselves but are delusional.
There's millions of people that do what I do, but didn't go on the show and are still doing the jobs There aren't millions of people who are singers.
There might be millions who do clerical work, but I don't think there are millions of singers.
Our society would be very much, well noisier! Maybe not millions, yeah, fair play.
Would you say there's anything unreasonable about the principle someone who's been on the dole for a long time might be compelled to do something for that dole if they're able-bodied? That's it.
We just need work in this country.
There's not enough jobs to go around.
They could do gardening and stuff in waste ground.
Make the place prettier, it doesn't have to be for Tesco.
The Telegraph, not known to be left wing, pointed out last month that there are 22 unemployed people chasing every vacancy.
I don't think we should be punishing people because of a crisis they had nothing to do with.
We should get people into proper secure work, rather than turning them into an army to do your gardening I don't have a garden.
I've got some moss on my balcony.
I'll help out! There aren't enough jobs to go around.
In 2010, nine out of ten of the jobs didn't go to young British people.
We have to leave it there.
We haven't quite solved the problem, but the advertisers want to speak to us and that keeps the economy going.
Thank you all for coming along.
Welcome back to 10 O'Clock Live, there's just time to look at one more story that's caught our eye this week - Scandinavian booby news.
It was reported that Finally.
Reported this week that the husband of the Finnish president embarrassed himself when he was caught on camera perving at Princess Mary of Denmark's cleavage.
This is textbook for a classic example of "pretending not to look".
Uh, gents, this is the way to do it.
Just looking.
"What a lovely necklace.
" Now, just look at the necklace Oh.
"Just looking at the chandeliers.
"I think there's a cobweb up there.
" Jimmy? I really love that he was going, "Oh, hang on, "I wonder if there are more boobs on the ceiling? I'll just check.
" He was really popping that in the bank, wasn't he? Took his time.
Could she Could she feel him looking? You can feel You can feel look They did a study.
Can you, Lauren? Can you? It doesn't count if you've come to expect it.
You can feel people's look, apparently.
Scientists did it, it's like a predator instinct.
They put people behind a wall, looked at them, and they could feel it.
How hard would you have to look to push someone over? Probably quite That's like Matilda, I don't know.
I didn't read all the way to the end.
That clip just reminds me that there's a great line from Seinfeld where somebody says, "Looking at cleavage is like staring at the sun.
"You can't look at it for too long, it's risky.
"You have to get a sense of it and then look away.
" Did he do the gentlemanly thing? Very wise.
Did he do the gentlemanly thing, do you think? He didn't make noises and go for a grab.
If he'd gone then She's a princess, that's too much.
Sure.
OK.
It'd be bad if Finland and Denmark go to war over that.
Let's hope not.
Right, we've got to go, see you next week.
Goodnight.