15 Storeys High (2002) s02e05 Episode Script
The Baby
1 (# Al! Creatures Great And Small on church organ) (# Match Of The Day theme on organ) (Man on TV) / can just see about four or five inches down the throat This is what we cal! a rig/d endoscope.
It's quite a lot more robust than the ï¬Âexible one and gives me a better view.
(Changes channel) I was watching that.
I'm not watching vet programmes when I'm eating.
And since when have dog operations been entertaining? It had a golf ball stuck in its colon.
I'm quite happy to see how it got in there.
I just don't wanna watch it coming out.
Doggy innards ï¬Âappin' around.
(Vet) I'm just checking the (Recorder being played) - It's just animals on every channel.
- Yeah.
Dunno how many times I've seen those turtles hatch out on that beach.
See that one there? He gets eaten by a crab any sec - (Crunching) - There we go.
That's the best bit.
You don't like animals, do you? Who's eating chicken? No, I mean live animals.
You don't even have a fish in your fish tank.
Because, you get one fish, you think, "Ahh, he looks lonely.
" So you get him a mate.
But they don't get on, so you get a third fish.
Then you've got two on one.
You get another fish.
Before you know where you are, you've got a borstal in your Living room.
(High voice) Hello, gorgeous.
Fancy a quick one? - Will you stop doing that? - I'm only having a laugh.
Well, it's not funny.
And those balloons are for the party.
Oh, what's the matter with you? Always having a go at me.
I do live 'ere, you know.
I'm not just 'ere to pay the rent.
Yeah, that's all you do.
Then you come 'home and put your feet up.
(High voice) Oh, don't start that again.
I'm sick of It.
I told you, those balloons are for the party.
They're my balloons, I paid for 'em.
I'll go out and get some more if we run out.
You're pathetic.
(High voice) Yeah? And you're a moody, miserable old cow.
Always moaning at me, you're always on me case.
What have I done that's so wrong, eh? Just tell me.
Nothing, that is what.
Nothing.
For the past five years.
(High voice) Oh, piss off.
It's me birthday next Saturday, thinking of going bowling.
I know.
You've told me six times already.
Yeah.
Are you comin'? Remember what I said last time you asked? You'll beironing your flannel.
Before that.
Rewinding a video.
Before that.
You'll be jousting the black knight to win the princess's hand in marriage.
- Mm.
Busy day.
- Oh.
I can't come, Errol Oh, yeah, could be working six days that week.
Did you get the pool manager's job? Yes.
When did this happen? Tomorrow at the interview.
So you actually haven't got the job.
Yes, I have.
I'll put you down anyway.
There's no point, I'll be working.
I think you'll be bowling.
Are you saying I'm not gonna get this job? - No.
- Yes you are.
Why? Just a feeling.
And you split beer on your application form.
(sighs) That was shandy.
It's different.
(High voice) You're unbelievable, you are.
You know, I don't drink, I don't smoke.
Don't take drugs, don't gamble.
I have a Little bit of helium and you go into one.
(High voice) I can't even fart in this house without you having a go at me.
I told you, stop wasting those balloons! No.
I won't.
(High voice) I like it, I like having fun.
And when I've done all these, I'm gonna go out and get some more.
You are so selfish.
What about the kids? (High voice) What about them? They get everything they want.
They won't even notice.
Don't even know half these kids.
I mean, who are they? (High voice) Misha? Steve? Renie? Who are they? They're Leon's friends.
Oh, Leon's friends.
(High voice) They can play with the balloons.
I play with one bieedin' balloon, you go ballistic.
Right, party's off.
I'm taking them all to McDonald's.
I don't care, I'll have me own party 'ere.
You want someone to run this pool I wanna run this pool Let's do business.
('TI-Flls) - Oi, Vince, come here.
- I can't.
Come here, there a bloke breaking into the lockers.
Come on.
(sighs) You grab him, I'll phone the police.
No, you do it.
- I'm not doing it.
- I can't.
Got a bit of a cold.
- I've got a job Interview.
- What for? - Pool manager.
- You, pool manager? Shhh.
He'll hear us.
What are we gonna do? Let's just pretend we haven't seen him.
Yeah (Plane overhead) What you doin'? I'm gonna be frank with you, Mr Clark.
You're not gonna get this job.
You're not qualified.
You've no management experience.
You've received a number of written complaints, more than anyone who's ever worked here.
In fact, I can't believe you've walked in here with the temerity to apply for this position.
Yeah? What d'you think? Good? - Yeah, it was good.
- Yeah? It was a bit harsh at the end, though.
Like maybe don't stand up.
So, er, I'm In a job Interview.
I'm outside having a smoke.
OK.
(sighs) I'll be frank with you, Mr Clark.
You're not gonna get this job.
You're not qualified.
You've no management experience, you've received a number of written complaints.
More than anyone who's ever worked here.
When (sighs) All right.
Oi, come here.
What? Peter! Have you got a moment? I just want to show you something before you make your minds up.
Can you show them Just show them what you did to me in the corridor.
Eh? The thing you did, what you said.
Can you repeat it for them? - You're not in trouble.
- Oh, right.
Well, I was just walking past and I saw Vince, so I went, "All right.
" See? I'm very popular.
You can go now.
That happens all the time.
People are always going, "All right" cos they recognise me from the pool You can go.
It's fine.
Have you got a light, mate? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Great.
( TV) This two - year old Labrador is about to undergo a major operation.
- No thanks, mate.
Don't smoke.
- How come you got a lighter, then? - Oh, it was in the jacket when I bought it.
- Ah.
- Wish I didn't smoke.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I'm on patches.
- Oh.
- I've seen this one.
- Oh, no, don'tdon't say owt.
- It's good.
- Ah.
(Woman) You better not be smoking, Ned.
They cremate it in the end.
Oh, (Tuts) No, I haven't had any management experience.
But I've never had the chance.
And Let's face it, how hard is it to run a swimming pool? Order some chlorine, fix the hot chocolate machine, tell someone off.
And last but not Least, "Oh, brilliant," the poet's full of water.
(Errol) Sony, Sony, mate.
Sony, mate.
You all right, mate? Ohh.
I got head-butted by a man carrying bikinis.
- Ooh, you're bleeding.
- Ahh.
Have you got any plasters? Tell you what Use these.
I can't give up anyway.
Cheers.
Thanks.
You're all right.
.
.
Or whether It's actually grass that's lodged underneath the dog's I'm very good at solving problems.
Give me a problem, any pool-related problem, I'll solve it.
OK, I'll make one up.
Er, tramp loose in the pool Easy, contain him with a Life belt.
Wagon Wheel in his pocket, chuck him out.
Come on, another one.
Give me another one.
OK, pool's overflowing.
Phone up the zoo, get all the camels down here, Lick up the water.
Only joking.
The Look on your faces, you were thinking, "Nutter".
(Errol) Sony, You all right, darling? - I'm fine, thanks.
- What d'you do that for? Dunno.
Yeahthat's a difficult one.
First thing I'd do - smile.
Then I'd destroy the film, unplug the hand dryers, just ban him for life.
'Scuse me! - What d'you do that for? - I dunno.
Good one.
That ls a very good one.
(inhales) Mmm.
I'd probably punch the Little one.
No, I'm the manager, punch Just don't punch anybody.
Get Melanie to phone the police, get them all out in the car park.
Keep the hose on standby in case they get shirty.
Then just search the lockers until the diamond is returned to the maharajah.
We are impressed by your energy and enthusiasm.
- However - Ahh, here we go.
Childcare's an Issue we take very seriously and as manager you'd be responsible for the creche.
- Yeah.
- Have you got any children? No.
- Or any experience of them? - It's not difficult, is it? You just read them a story, Issue out some Play-Doh, colour something in, last one in the Wendy house is a poof.
Not No, not poof, stinks, unless they do stink, I won't mention it, cos you can't ridicule kids these days.
Although it never did me any harm.
(Lift doors) All right, Vince.
D'you get the job? You don't smoke.
I do, it's lovely.
- (Faint crying) - Can you hear a baby crying? Yeah, it's in the bag.
- You've got a baby in a bag? - Yeah.
Did you find it? No.
It was given to me for the weekend.
Ahh, a Little ba Uhh, it's plastic.
Yeah, course it's plastic, otherwise you wouldn't be able to do this.
They said they'd give me the job if I show I'm capable of looking after children.
How d'you stop It from crying? Well, that's the trouble, it's like a real baby, you don't know.
- (Crying) - (Makes babyish noises) - It can't see, it's not exactly like a real baby.
- (Crying) They give 'em to teenage girls to stop 'em getting pregnant.
Ughh! Don't be dirty.
Has it got a name? Yeah.
The baby.
Aww.
Let's call him - Hmm? - ls It a girl? It's a him! Let's call him Stuart.
- (Crying) - He doesn't like that.
Urn Martin! Aww.
- This calls for a cigar.
- You're not smoking that in here.
- I was going outside.
- Make us a cup of tea first.
But I really fancy a smoke.
Stop being so selfish.
Things are really gonna have to change now that Martin's here.
All right.
I hope you realise, if you carry on smoking, you will definitely die.
But I could die tomorrow just crossing the road.
Only if something hits you at the time.
And how you can hit by something that weighs at least two tons, is brightly coloured and is found on roads It's very easy to get killed.
A man on our street died.
All he did was have a drink from the canal.
- Where's Martin? - Down there.
You can't leave him on the ï¬Âoor! It's not a real baby.
It's a gadget.
(Sighs) Might record he's on a hard surface.
(sighs) Or dirty cushion.
Well, I mean It can't record everything.
You Little wanker.
- Might do.
- Errol (Woman) Ooh, no, mustn't.
Ooh! Ohh.
Oh.
Ohh.
Ohh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Ooh.
Ooh, no, no.
Ooh.
Hello? Hello? Pauline, are you all right? Oh.
I just 'ad this dream.
It was so vivid.
You were being strangled by this enormous bald man.
Ohh.
ls George with you? Oh, good.
Ohh, I'm sorry to wake you, darlin', butit was ever so vivid.
- (Crying) - (Exasperated) Oh.
(Tired, irritated grunts) (Crying) (Step5) Oh, wh - (Louder crying) - Ahh-ah.
Oh.
Where's the bottle? (Vince fumbling, Martin crying) (Vince, exasperated) Ohh.
(Crying) Ohh.
Oh! Ohh.
Hello, Pauline? It's me.
I just 'ad another dream.
(Pants) It was so vivid.
(Pants) Has George turned into a cream bun? (Crying) (Muffled) Uhh.
(Crying) Aw.
Right.
(Crying) (Step5) (Man) Au right? (Errol) Fine, thanks.
You? (Man) Mustn't grumble.
I've just had this 'horrible burger.
(Door shuts) (Whip cracks, man cries out) (Whip cracks) (Knocking) (Slurred) Martin.
Where's (Knocking) (Errol) Vince, can you help, please? It's Locked.
In your wardrobe there's a Well, I dunno what it is but it's all covered in hair and it's got it's mouth in the back of its head.
It's just a horrible thing.
It's got a violin.
And if it plays any tunes by B B Pauline? (Feebly) Pauline? (Vince) Errol? You come in 'ere a sec? I got a fish for the fish tank.
Where is it? - Could you hold it a sec? - Yeah.
No, at the sides is better.
- There we go.
- It's a bit sticky.
Huh.
Yeah.
How about here by the window? (Straining) Yeah.
Ohh.
Oh, no, cos of the sun, he'll get sunburnt.
- (Straining) Oh - OK.
What about there - cos you can close the curtains, protect him.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, we can do that later.
OK.
Oh, no, radiation from the telly, they get depressed.
- Oh.
- Ooh, difficult, Isn't It? (Straining) Kitchen.
Yeah.
Nah.
Ooh, might be cooking fish.
Yeah.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
Up there.
Yeah.
Oh, no, cos we'll have to crane our necks to Look at him.
Yeah, that'd be Aah, that hurts.
(Both exhale) (Errol exhales) - (Breathily) Getting a bit heavy now.
- 57, 58, 59 - 60.
- Arms are killing me.
- How about there? - Yeah? - Just put it there.
Yeah.
- OK.
I'll get the fish.
Vince, my hands are stuck.
- Hmm? - Vince, my hands are stuck to the sides.
Yeah, they will be, yeah.
Here we go.
Look.
There he goes.
What have you done? I've glued your hands to the fish tank.
But, I got you a fish.
- Why? - Keep you company.
No, why have you glued my hands.
Well, firstly, so I can get some sleep at night.
And secondly, stops you smoking.
So, we're all winners.
I don't feel like a winner.
Ohh, it ways a ton.
Yeah, and don't try and tip all the water out, the fish'll die.
I've thought this through.
You can't do this! It's not illegal.
I bought some glue, you picked up a fish tank.
It just seems wrong to me.
Look, I got you a castle.
Ohh.
- And a treasure chest.
- Ahh.
No, hang on, I've gotta go out tonight.
Oh, right.
What, smoking, with your smoking pals? - No.
- I'm doing this for you, Errol Well, and me.
Vince And I'm hungry.
And I'm getting an itch behind me ear.
And I really need a smoke.
Vince! Really need a smoke.
You fffï¬Âippin' SSS-sod! (Breathes deeply) (High voice) # Ohh-ohhh what an atmosphere # I love a party with a happy atmosphere (High voice) Ahh, stick it up your arse.
(â¬@ï¬Âfiçç) (Strains) Aw! (Pants) Ah.
(Sighs with relief and pleasure) (Coughs) Ahh.
(Coughs) (sighs) Yeah, well leave it with me, I'll see what I can do.
I can't leave it with you.
That's the point, I can't leave it anywhere.
I was hoping you could fiddle with it.
Not No, not fiddle, just Sort it out so I can put it down for a few hours.
It's crying all.
the time.
Well, just be nice to it, then.
It's not a real baby.
It's a gadget.
(Sighs) All right, I'll have to take the back off.
Ah.
Mm.
Mmm.
(Coughs) (Coughs) Careful.
Look, you'll.
have to take this somewhere else.
L-I'm not up to this today.
- What's the matter? - I've just given up smoking.
I'm a bit You know? Well, have a cigarette.
I'm trying to give up.
Well, just one.
It'd calm you down.
I can't have just one.
What A Little one? I wish I could.
(Sighs) After a meal.
.
or after I've had sex.
Sold some batteries.
Seen a ghost.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, you'll need one after that.
- Or after a fight or car crash.
- Mm.
Tell you what's nice, to have one before you do something.
Oh, yeah.
That can be nice.
Like before a driving test.
Operation.
- Breakfast.
- Ohh, I miss that one.
Mm.
I tell you what I feel like, is when you have one during, you just stop.
just - What, like a crossword? - Cup of tea, biscuit.
Oh, yeah.
Or during the night.
- Why not? - Ohh! I love fags.
D'you know what my favourite is? The "no reason" fag.
Ooh.
(Whispering) The best! You don't even want it.
You've just put one out.
- Oh, yes! - And everyone says, "You're not gonna have another one?" And you say - Yes! - Cos they're my fags, I bought them, and I'll smoke 'em when I want to.
Say that again.
- Cos they're my fags - They're my fags.
- I bought them - I bought 'em.
- .
.
and I smoke 'em when I want to.
- And I smoke 'em when I want to.
(Both, louder) They're my fags, I bought them, and I'll smoke 'em when I want to.
- Shall we get some? - Yeah! 2O Rothmans.
[REED 40! Yeah! (Woman) Ned? You been smoking? Urn, no.
Er WeU, yeah.
Erl-IâÂÂm sorry.
L-I'm He-He made me do It.
You bastard.
Yeah.
Yeah, you bastard.
H-He made me do it (Blows nose) (Door opens) (Vince) All right, Errol - Ohh.
Just had a horrible burger.
- Mm.
Ohh.
Ohh, it was really horrible.
(sniffs) - You been smoking? - No.
- (Crying) - Oh, Martin.
(sighs) (Crying) - Gone off fags now, they're disgusting.
- (Crying) I've only been out an hour.
You seen his bottle? - (Vince sighs) - (Crying) - You know, er - (Crying) Vince, I think I'm cured.
Nah.
No, no, no.
Not yet.
- (Agitated deep breaths) When? - (Crying) - It can take weeks, OK? - (Errol sighs) It's my birthday next Saturday, I can't go bowling like this! You can't treat me like this.
You idiot! (Underwater crying) Sorry.
I don't believe you.
Just heard Nana's died and all you can think about is your stomach.
Sorry.
But it was a really 'horrible burger.
There you go.
Two days older, two days wiser.
And if you're thinking of using him again, we named him Martin.
I know that look.
You want to know what happened.
- Well, it was fine until last night.
- We don't need your excuse.
The only version we need is the baby's.
(Beeping) (Woman) 7:45 it drowned.
7:49 its leg melted.
And at 8:05 its head fell off.
If you carry on, you'll.
see how at 8:22 It's head went back on.
Mr Clark, can you explain what What happened? After it drowned I put it near the fire to dry off when its leg melted which wouldn't happen with a normal baby.
Then my ï¬Âatmate - who's trying to give up smoking - he lunged for it, forgetting that he was glued to an aquarium.
Which wouldn't happen with a normal flatmate.
So now it's got glass stuck in its head.
So I was trying to dig it out with a corkscrew when its head came off.
And it was precisely at that point that I realised, I'm not gonna get this job, so, Let's have some fun with it.
(Woman) It's a baby! Errol, can you go get the rest of the baby.
It's quite a lot more robust than the ï¬Âexible one and gives me a better view.
(Changes channel) I was watching that.
I'm not watching vet programmes when I'm eating.
And since when have dog operations been entertaining? It had a golf ball stuck in its colon.
I'm quite happy to see how it got in there.
I just don't wanna watch it coming out.
Doggy innards ï¬Âappin' around.
(Vet) I'm just checking the (Recorder being played) - It's just animals on every channel.
- Yeah.
Dunno how many times I've seen those turtles hatch out on that beach.
See that one there? He gets eaten by a crab any sec - (Crunching) - There we go.
That's the best bit.
You don't like animals, do you? Who's eating chicken? No, I mean live animals.
You don't even have a fish in your fish tank.
Because, you get one fish, you think, "Ahh, he looks lonely.
" So you get him a mate.
But they don't get on, so you get a third fish.
Then you've got two on one.
You get another fish.
Before you know where you are, you've got a borstal in your Living room.
(High voice) Hello, gorgeous.
Fancy a quick one? - Will you stop doing that? - I'm only having a laugh.
Well, it's not funny.
And those balloons are for the party.
Oh, what's the matter with you? Always having a go at me.
I do live 'ere, you know.
I'm not just 'ere to pay the rent.
Yeah, that's all you do.
Then you come 'home and put your feet up.
(High voice) Oh, don't start that again.
I'm sick of It.
I told you, those balloons are for the party.
They're my balloons, I paid for 'em.
I'll go out and get some more if we run out.
You're pathetic.
(High voice) Yeah? And you're a moody, miserable old cow.
Always moaning at me, you're always on me case.
What have I done that's so wrong, eh? Just tell me.
Nothing, that is what.
Nothing.
For the past five years.
(High voice) Oh, piss off.
It's me birthday next Saturday, thinking of going bowling.
I know.
You've told me six times already.
Yeah.
Are you comin'? Remember what I said last time you asked? You'll beironing your flannel.
Before that.
Rewinding a video.
Before that.
You'll be jousting the black knight to win the princess's hand in marriage.
- Mm.
Busy day.
- Oh.
I can't come, Errol Oh, yeah, could be working six days that week.
Did you get the pool manager's job? Yes.
When did this happen? Tomorrow at the interview.
So you actually haven't got the job.
Yes, I have.
I'll put you down anyway.
There's no point, I'll be working.
I think you'll be bowling.
Are you saying I'm not gonna get this job? - No.
- Yes you are.
Why? Just a feeling.
And you split beer on your application form.
(sighs) That was shandy.
It's different.
(High voice) You're unbelievable, you are.
You know, I don't drink, I don't smoke.
Don't take drugs, don't gamble.
I have a Little bit of helium and you go into one.
(High voice) I can't even fart in this house without you having a go at me.
I told you, stop wasting those balloons! No.
I won't.
(High voice) I like it, I like having fun.
And when I've done all these, I'm gonna go out and get some more.
You are so selfish.
What about the kids? (High voice) What about them? They get everything they want.
They won't even notice.
Don't even know half these kids.
I mean, who are they? (High voice) Misha? Steve? Renie? Who are they? They're Leon's friends.
Oh, Leon's friends.
(High voice) They can play with the balloons.
I play with one bieedin' balloon, you go ballistic.
Right, party's off.
I'm taking them all to McDonald's.
I don't care, I'll have me own party 'ere.
You want someone to run this pool I wanna run this pool Let's do business.
('TI-Flls) - Oi, Vince, come here.
- I can't.
Come here, there a bloke breaking into the lockers.
Come on.
(sighs) You grab him, I'll phone the police.
No, you do it.
- I'm not doing it.
- I can't.
Got a bit of a cold.
- I've got a job Interview.
- What for? - Pool manager.
- You, pool manager? Shhh.
He'll hear us.
What are we gonna do? Let's just pretend we haven't seen him.
Yeah (Plane overhead) What you doin'? I'm gonna be frank with you, Mr Clark.
You're not gonna get this job.
You're not qualified.
You've no management experience.
You've received a number of written complaints, more than anyone who's ever worked here.
In fact, I can't believe you've walked in here with the temerity to apply for this position.
Yeah? What d'you think? Good? - Yeah, it was good.
- Yeah? It was a bit harsh at the end, though.
Like maybe don't stand up.
So, er, I'm In a job Interview.
I'm outside having a smoke.
OK.
(sighs) I'll be frank with you, Mr Clark.
You're not gonna get this job.
You're not qualified.
You've no management experience, you've received a number of written complaints.
More than anyone who's ever worked here.
When (sighs) All right.
Oi, come here.
What? Peter! Have you got a moment? I just want to show you something before you make your minds up.
Can you show them Just show them what you did to me in the corridor.
Eh? The thing you did, what you said.
Can you repeat it for them? - You're not in trouble.
- Oh, right.
Well, I was just walking past and I saw Vince, so I went, "All right.
" See? I'm very popular.
You can go now.
That happens all the time.
People are always going, "All right" cos they recognise me from the pool You can go.
It's fine.
Have you got a light, mate? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Great.
( TV) This two - year old Labrador is about to undergo a major operation.
- No thanks, mate.
Don't smoke.
- How come you got a lighter, then? - Oh, it was in the jacket when I bought it.
- Ah.
- Wish I didn't smoke.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I'm on patches.
- Oh.
- I've seen this one.
- Oh, no, don'tdon't say owt.
- It's good.
- Ah.
(Woman) You better not be smoking, Ned.
They cremate it in the end.
Oh, (Tuts) No, I haven't had any management experience.
But I've never had the chance.
And Let's face it, how hard is it to run a swimming pool? Order some chlorine, fix the hot chocolate machine, tell someone off.
And last but not Least, "Oh, brilliant," the poet's full of water.
(Errol) Sony, Sony, mate.
Sony, mate.
You all right, mate? Ohh.
I got head-butted by a man carrying bikinis.
- Ooh, you're bleeding.
- Ahh.
Have you got any plasters? Tell you what Use these.
I can't give up anyway.
Cheers.
Thanks.
You're all right.
.
.
Or whether It's actually grass that's lodged underneath the dog's I'm very good at solving problems.
Give me a problem, any pool-related problem, I'll solve it.
OK, I'll make one up.
Er, tramp loose in the pool Easy, contain him with a Life belt.
Wagon Wheel in his pocket, chuck him out.
Come on, another one.
Give me another one.
OK, pool's overflowing.
Phone up the zoo, get all the camels down here, Lick up the water.
Only joking.
The Look on your faces, you were thinking, "Nutter".
(Errol) Sony, You all right, darling? - I'm fine, thanks.
- What d'you do that for? Dunno.
Yeahthat's a difficult one.
First thing I'd do - smile.
Then I'd destroy the film, unplug the hand dryers, just ban him for life.
'Scuse me! - What d'you do that for? - I dunno.
Good one.
That ls a very good one.
(inhales) Mmm.
I'd probably punch the Little one.
No, I'm the manager, punch Just don't punch anybody.
Get Melanie to phone the police, get them all out in the car park.
Keep the hose on standby in case they get shirty.
Then just search the lockers until the diamond is returned to the maharajah.
We are impressed by your energy and enthusiasm.
- However - Ahh, here we go.
Childcare's an Issue we take very seriously and as manager you'd be responsible for the creche.
- Yeah.
- Have you got any children? No.
- Or any experience of them? - It's not difficult, is it? You just read them a story, Issue out some Play-Doh, colour something in, last one in the Wendy house is a poof.
Not No, not poof, stinks, unless they do stink, I won't mention it, cos you can't ridicule kids these days.
Although it never did me any harm.
(Lift doors) All right, Vince.
D'you get the job? You don't smoke.
I do, it's lovely.
- (Faint crying) - Can you hear a baby crying? Yeah, it's in the bag.
- You've got a baby in a bag? - Yeah.
Did you find it? No.
It was given to me for the weekend.
Ahh, a Little ba Uhh, it's plastic.
Yeah, course it's plastic, otherwise you wouldn't be able to do this.
They said they'd give me the job if I show I'm capable of looking after children.
How d'you stop It from crying? Well, that's the trouble, it's like a real baby, you don't know.
- (Crying) - (Makes babyish noises) - It can't see, it's not exactly like a real baby.
- (Crying) They give 'em to teenage girls to stop 'em getting pregnant.
Ughh! Don't be dirty.
Has it got a name? Yeah.
The baby.
Aww.
Let's call him - Hmm? - ls It a girl? It's a him! Let's call him Stuart.
- (Crying) - He doesn't like that.
Urn Martin! Aww.
- This calls for a cigar.
- You're not smoking that in here.
- I was going outside.
- Make us a cup of tea first.
But I really fancy a smoke.
Stop being so selfish.
Things are really gonna have to change now that Martin's here.
All right.
I hope you realise, if you carry on smoking, you will definitely die.
But I could die tomorrow just crossing the road.
Only if something hits you at the time.
And how you can hit by something that weighs at least two tons, is brightly coloured and is found on roads It's very easy to get killed.
A man on our street died.
All he did was have a drink from the canal.
- Where's Martin? - Down there.
You can't leave him on the ï¬Âoor! It's not a real baby.
It's a gadget.
(Sighs) Might record he's on a hard surface.
(sighs) Or dirty cushion.
Well, I mean It can't record everything.
You Little wanker.
- Might do.
- Errol (Woman) Ooh, no, mustn't.
Ooh! Ohh.
Oh.
Ohh.
Ohh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Ooh.
Ooh, no, no.
Ooh.
Hello? Hello? Pauline, are you all right? Oh.
I just 'ad this dream.
It was so vivid.
You were being strangled by this enormous bald man.
Ohh.
ls George with you? Oh, good.
Ohh, I'm sorry to wake you, darlin', butit was ever so vivid.
- (Crying) - (Exasperated) Oh.
(Tired, irritated grunts) (Crying) (Step5) Oh, wh - (Louder crying) - Ahh-ah.
Oh.
Where's the bottle? (Vince fumbling, Martin crying) (Vince, exasperated) Ohh.
(Crying) Ohh.
Oh! Ohh.
Hello, Pauline? It's me.
I just 'ad another dream.
(Pants) It was so vivid.
(Pants) Has George turned into a cream bun? (Crying) (Muffled) Uhh.
(Crying) Aw.
Right.
(Crying) (Step5) (Man) Au right? (Errol) Fine, thanks.
You? (Man) Mustn't grumble.
I've just had this 'horrible burger.
(Door shuts) (Whip cracks, man cries out) (Whip cracks) (Knocking) (Slurred) Martin.
Where's (Knocking) (Errol) Vince, can you help, please? It's Locked.
In your wardrobe there's a Well, I dunno what it is but it's all covered in hair and it's got it's mouth in the back of its head.
It's just a horrible thing.
It's got a violin.
And if it plays any tunes by B B Pauline? (Feebly) Pauline? (Vince) Errol? You come in 'ere a sec? I got a fish for the fish tank.
Where is it? - Could you hold it a sec? - Yeah.
No, at the sides is better.
- There we go.
- It's a bit sticky.
Huh.
Yeah.
How about here by the window? (Straining) Yeah.
Ohh.
Oh, no, cos of the sun, he'll get sunburnt.
- (Straining) Oh - OK.
What about there - cos you can close the curtains, protect him.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, we can do that later.
OK.
Oh, no, radiation from the telly, they get depressed.
- Oh.
- Ooh, difficult, Isn't It? (Straining) Kitchen.
Yeah.
Nah.
Ooh, might be cooking fish.
Yeah.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
Up there.
Yeah.
Oh, no, cos we'll have to crane our necks to Look at him.
Yeah, that'd be Aah, that hurts.
(Both exhale) (Errol exhales) - (Breathily) Getting a bit heavy now.
- 57, 58, 59 - 60.
- Arms are killing me.
- How about there? - Yeah? - Just put it there.
Yeah.
- OK.
I'll get the fish.
Vince, my hands are stuck.
- Hmm? - Vince, my hands are stuck to the sides.
Yeah, they will be, yeah.
Here we go.
Look.
There he goes.
What have you done? I've glued your hands to the fish tank.
But, I got you a fish.
- Why? - Keep you company.
No, why have you glued my hands.
Well, firstly, so I can get some sleep at night.
And secondly, stops you smoking.
So, we're all winners.
I don't feel like a winner.
Ohh, it ways a ton.
Yeah, and don't try and tip all the water out, the fish'll die.
I've thought this through.
You can't do this! It's not illegal.
I bought some glue, you picked up a fish tank.
It just seems wrong to me.
Look, I got you a castle.
Ohh.
- And a treasure chest.
- Ahh.
No, hang on, I've gotta go out tonight.
Oh, right.
What, smoking, with your smoking pals? - No.
- I'm doing this for you, Errol Well, and me.
Vince And I'm hungry.
And I'm getting an itch behind me ear.
And I really need a smoke.
Vince! Really need a smoke.
You fffï¬Âippin' SSS-sod! (Breathes deeply) (High voice) # Ohh-ohhh what an atmosphere # I love a party with a happy atmosphere (High voice) Ahh, stick it up your arse.
(â¬@ï¬Âfiçç) (Strains) Aw! (Pants) Ah.
(Sighs with relief and pleasure) (Coughs) Ahh.
(Coughs) (sighs) Yeah, well leave it with me, I'll see what I can do.
I can't leave it with you.
That's the point, I can't leave it anywhere.
I was hoping you could fiddle with it.
Not No, not fiddle, just Sort it out so I can put it down for a few hours.
It's crying all.
the time.
Well, just be nice to it, then.
It's not a real baby.
It's a gadget.
(Sighs) All right, I'll have to take the back off.
Ah.
Mm.
Mmm.
(Coughs) (Coughs) Careful.
Look, you'll.
have to take this somewhere else.
L-I'm not up to this today.
- What's the matter? - I've just given up smoking.
I'm a bit You know? Well, have a cigarette.
I'm trying to give up.
Well, just one.
It'd calm you down.
I can't have just one.
What A Little one? I wish I could.
(Sighs) After a meal.
.
or after I've had sex.
Sold some batteries.
Seen a ghost.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, you'll need one after that.
- Or after a fight or car crash.
- Mm.
Tell you what's nice, to have one before you do something.
Oh, yeah.
That can be nice.
Like before a driving test.
Operation.
- Breakfast.
- Ohh, I miss that one.
Mm.
I tell you what I feel like, is when you have one during, you just stop.
just - What, like a crossword? - Cup of tea, biscuit.
Oh, yeah.
Or during the night.
- Why not? - Ohh! I love fags.
D'you know what my favourite is? The "no reason" fag.
Ooh.
(Whispering) The best! You don't even want it.
You've just put one out.
- Oh, yes! - And everyone says, "You're not gonna have another one?" And you say - Yes! - Cos they're my fags, I bought them, and I'll smoke 'em when I want to.
Say that again.
- Cos they're my fags - They're my fags.
- I bought them - I bought 'em.
- .
.
and I smoke 'em when I want to.
- And I smoke 'em when I want to.
(Both, louder) They're my fags, I bought them, and I'll smoke 'em when I want to.
- Shall we get some? - Yeah! 2O Rothmans.
[REED 40! Yeah! (Woman) Ned? You been smoking? Urn, no.
Er WeU, yeah.
Erl-IâÂÂm sorry.
L-I'm He-He made me do It.
You bastard.
Yeah.
Yeah, you bastard.
H-He made me do it (Blows nose) (Door opens) (Vince) All right, Errol - Ohh.
Just had a horrible burger.
- Mm.
Ohh.
Ohh, it was really horrible.
(sniffs) - You been smoking? - No.
- (Crying) - Oh, Martin.
(sighs) (Crying) - Gone off fags now, they're disgusting.
- (Crying) I've only been out an hour.
You seen his bottle? - (Vince sighs) - (Crying) - You know, er - (Crying) Vince, I think I'm cured.
Nah.
No, no, no.
Not yet.
- (Agitated deep breaths) When? - (Crying) - It can take weeks, OK? - (Errol sighs) It's my birthday next Saturday, I can't go bowling like this! You can't treat me like this.
You idiot! (Underwater crying) Sorry.
I don't believe you.
Just heard Nana's died and all you can think about is your stomach.
Sorry.
But it was a really 'horrible burger.
There you go.
Two days older, two days wiser.
And if you're thinking of using him again, we named him Martin.
I know that look.
You want to know what happened.
- Well, it was fine until last night.
- We don't need your excuse.
The only version we need is the baby's.
(Beeping) (Woman) 7:45 it drowned.
7:49 its leg melted.
And at 8:05 its head fell off.
If you carry on, you'll.
see how at 8:22 It's head went back on.
Mr Clark, can you explain what What happened? After it drowned I put it near the fire to dry off when its leg melted which wouldn't happen with a normal baby.
Then my ï¬Âatmate - who's trying to give up smoking - he lunged for it, forgetting that he was glued to an aquarium.
Which wouldn't happen with a normal flatmate.
So now it's got glass stuck in its head.
So I was trying to dig it out with a corkscrew when its head came off.
And it was precisely at that point that I realised, I'm not gonna get this job, so, Let's have some fun with it.
(Woman) It's a baby! Errol, can you go get the rest of the baby.