15 Storeys High (2002) s02e06 Episode Script

1 Vince, how often do you whistle? - Never.
- Mm.
I hate whistling.
Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.
What's that all about? Idiots.
When was the last time you went dancing? - You don't whistle, do you? - No.
No, I've never caught you doing it.
I can't.
Hurts that bit there.
When was the last time you went dancing? - What you on about? - It's a questionnaire.
"Are you happy?" - FILL It In yourself.
- I did.
I scored 92, which means I'm ecstatic.
So far you've scored five, but you get that for bothering to fill it in.
I'm not filling It In.
I'll do it.
It's just a bit of fun.
I'm all right.
I don't need any fun.
Well, I'll guess what you would say.
Bet you don't like musicals.
- Or flowers.
- They attract bees.
How many friends you got? - Ten.
- Ten?! - All right, six.
- There's no point cheating.
It's Bella magazine, put six.
Do you want children? Nobody wants children.
They just get on with it.
Like you fall over, you get a bruise on your arse.
That's life.
- Is that a "yes" or a "no"? - Do you get more points for "yes"? - Yes.
- Yes.
Where are you happiest? At work, home, or out and about? In the bath.
That's not on here, should I put "home"? No! You're not home.
You're in the bath.
It's different.
I mean, you're not there for a start.
It's just bath, it's a controlled environment.
If you're too hot, you add a bit of cold.
If you're too cold, you add a bit of hot.
You're in the bath.
Shall I put out and about? No, you're not out and about, are you? You're in the bath.
Idiot! Work? No, you're not That's not No You come home from work, you go in Just put "bath".
It's not It's not on here.
Put "bath".
Put "bath".
Just give me the next question.
Is your Life getting better or worse? - I'm having a bath.
- Another one? - Yeah.
- You all right? I'm fine.
What's my score? 23, depressed.
I feel fine.
I've just had a bit of bad news, that's all.
I'll get over it.
Life goes on.
- What happened? - I don't want to talk about it.
Shall I put "worse" then? I'm a bit worried about him.
Seems a bit depressed.
No, I mean really depressed.
Well, only because you're one of the numbers in his phone book.
OK, thanks for your help.
No, I'd rather not tell him that.
07700-900006.
- (Errol) Hello, hi.
is that Vince's dad? - Speaking.
It's his flat mate here.
Have you got a moment? Well, I am a bit busy.
It's just It's Vince, he seems a bit depressed.
Don't take any notice.
He's always been a miserable bugger.
Goodbye! Apologies everyone, I thought It was my bookmaker.
Now, where was I? Venus de Milo.
Just kidding.
Hello, this is jim Robins from Hanna-Barbers Productions, Los Angeles.
/ hope I'm speaking to Mr Vince Clark.
In response to your query, Mr Clark, Yogi Beafs fie was fashioned In a Windsor knot.
I repeat, a Windsor knot.
I hope this satisfies your curiosity.
Goodbye/ Oh, could you give me a hand with this please, love? Yeah, yeah.
- Ta.
- That's OK.
Thanks.
Oh, look.
You've got dust all down your trousers.
It's OK.
Don't worry about it, I'm fine.
Oh, and it's all over the back.
Here, look.
No, no, no, no, no, no, it's fine, fine.
No, you can't go out looking like that.
It's fine, thank, thanks.
I think it's all gone now.
Yeah.
Ain't you've got lovely eyes? No, I haven't.
Got to go.
Thank you.
(Man straining) All right, Let's go with the rabbit.
Easy! Let's have another.
Hello, I'm Corinne.
I'm waiting for Errol We met in the health food shop, started chatting.
So I came back here.
Errol's getting changed, he spilled yoghurt on his trousers.
I'm not his dad.
Oh, I know.
He told me all about you.
How are you feeling? I'm a healer.
Good money? Oh, I don't do it for the money.
I like healing.
Get off! What are you doing? There's nothing wrong with me.
I think that there is.
No, I just had a bath.
I feel great.
Probably feel as good as you feel.
Oh, I don't think so.
I do.
I mean, how good do you feel? Oh, you can't measure these things.
You can, nine.
You Look like, what, 4.
5.
I can assure you, it is a lot higher than that.
- What? - Ten.
Only goes up to nine.
Errol, are you going to be Long? Argh! Who wants it? Come on! Give me a tortoise.
@GEGDU OK, Let's have another.
Tell me about Errol He's a bloke.
Lives here.
Has he got a girlfriend? What do you think?! I bet that was annoying.
Ah, Vince, Windsor knot.
Yeah, I know.
You were so sure, weren't you? What made you so sure? Lager.
Vince told me you haven't got a girlfriend.
I have.
I have got a girlfriend.
Right, I see.
A real one? - Yeah.
- Mm So, why you hanging around with me then, eh? Are you a bit of a rogue? Are you a bit wild? - You a bit dangerous? - Well, I know I'm clumsy.
Cos once I took off me jumper and gave me sister a black eye.
- Oh! - Yeah.
It was an accident.
She went nuts.
Melted all me badges.
So, you looking forward to lunch, are you? I'm only doing one day.
I'm not doing the whole week.
That was the bet.
You've got to do the whole week.
- No, I can't.
- You've got to.
When I Lost, you made me wear Alan's Speedos for a month.
What would your girlfriend say if she saw us here like this? - Now? - Oh, I don't know.
You could ask her if you like.
You're a beast, aren't you? Come on! Remember, be nice to him.
- Mind If I? - Yeah.
- Anyone sitting there? - Can't see anyone.
(Laughs) Mates not talking to you? Stuck with me, are you? Mind that sausage you've got.
Oh, it would be in here.
Well, that's my fault.
I do the boilers.
Heard one about jelly baby that goes to the doctors? Heard that? - No, I haven't, no.
- It's great.
Er, the jelly baby doctors and he goes, he goes, er, "I've got VD".
And the doctor goes (Laughs) "No, you haven't got VD, you're jelly baby," and the jelly baby goes, jelly baby goes, he goes, he goes, he goes, "I've been shaggin' all sorts.
" Ohdear.
Cycled in today, look.
Had to wear this.
Safety.
Feel a right prat.
- Oh! I'm really tired.
- Oh! Yeah.
I'm really tired.
- No, you can't be.
- Yeah.
No, no, no, I don't, I don't mean that.
No, I'm tired.
I'm tired.
Not you, not you.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.
Yeah, I'm the one that's tired, not you Look, it's quite early.
Would you like me to give you an energising rub? No, I've just had not much sleep lately, cos, you know, I was sick everywhere, you know.
- Ah! - Yeah.
- Oh! - Yeah, allover the place.
- Full.
on, yeah.
- Yeah, everywhere.
- Oh! - Went into me hair.
- And then in me ears.
- Oh, you poor thing.
Yeah, it's my fault cos, you know, I was eating my scabs.
~ 0h! - So they were, they - Come here.
They were itching, you know, yeah.
Where are the scabs? Just near me, on me underlings.
I love the astronauts, Armstrong, Collins, Aldrin, Apollo 12, Conrad, Gold, Bing.
Do you know what they had in common? They were all astronauts.
No, well, yeah, but they all had the same shoe size.
It's amazing, size 9.
Do you know want what my subject would be if I was on Mastermind? - Astronauts? - No.
Hadrian's wall.
Do you want that? Do you want that? Do you want that? Do you want that? You want that? Want that? Want that? - What that? - Go on.
- What's the date today? - Er, 12th.
You got any older ham? What do you mean? You know, that's past its sell-by date.
We sell everything fresh.
Have you got any out in the back that's a bit dodgy? You know, it's got that shimmering rainbow effect.
Like you get on the credit card, you know.
Shiny, but on the ham.
- This ham makes you sick.
- Yeah.
No, I don't keep this ham.
(# Dub-reggae) This is Rasta Says.
The original dub-reggae workout.
Hi.
Humm.
Corinne won't like that, would she? Oh, she's gone off me.
I refused to sign a petition to save the snow Leopard.
Good for you.
Yeah.
why? So she'd go off me.
She just came up to me in the health food shop.
I was only in there cos I can't go to the bakers anymore.
A woman in there keeps shoving cream horns on me face and inviting me to Leicester.
You know what's happening, Errol You're going through a purple patch.
Eh? The honey-soaked leg of the worker bee.
What? There's a brief period in every ugly bloke's Life where for some reason women find you irresistible.
Have you had one? No, it's for ugly blokes.
(Woman) Errol, can I use this blue towel? - Yeah.
- Who's that? Samantha.
She was following me around the Becket Centre.
I got me coat stuck in revolving door and she set me free.
- Do you like her? - No.
- Then why don't you tell her? - I don't like hurting people's feelings.
That's the best bit.
- I'll do it if you want.
- No, no, no, no.
Hi, you must be Vince.
I got me hands dirty rescuing Errol He said it'd be all right to use your bathroom.
- I'm not his dad.
- Oh! He Looked so helpless.
He was like an injured animal.
- Weren't you? - Yeah.
I helped an injured animal once, it's very rewarding.
What sort? You know, ones you find by a road.
- Hedgehog? - If you like.
Squirrel, badger, told it as a moose once.
What happened? Lived, died, ran off, whatever you want.
All right, I'm having a bath.
Another one? Yeah.
He's a bit depressed.
Oh! - He doesn't like you.
- What did you say that for? - You said I was depressed.
- You are depressed.
- You don't like her.
- Oh, don't you like me? No! Should I go then? Yes! Two And three And four/I' And relax yourself (Knock on door) I'm busy.
Go in the sink.
(Errol) It's your dad, he's on the phone.
Vince! I'm busy.
And tell him I'm not phoning back if he's in the nude.
Of course I'm in the nude.
What's he worried about? Somebody is going to see his daddy's Little tiddler.
Just tell him I'm about to come into a bit of money, guaranteed, in the bag.
Sorry about that.
I'd like to book a flight Somewhere hot.
Oh, hello! When will you people grow up? It's just a body.
It's my body and it's beautiful.
Hello, Sid, how are you? Jimmy, I thought you've been transferred.
Didn't like it, too many murders.
- Oh! - Come on.
Can I take this? Vince, can you help me? There's a woman outside.
She has been out there all night.
Please, please, she's just out there and she's just Thanks.
(Vince) Yaah! Whoo! Shoo, shoo, shoo.
Yeah! Get away! Ha! Thanks, Vince.
How do you keep the woman away, cos they don't hassle you.
- You taking the piss.
- No! I was just wondering, cos, you know, I've never seen you with a woman.
I was wondering what your secret was.
Cheese and onion crisps.
He says, er He says, er He says, er Tosser's off.
I don't get it.
Donkey's called Tosser, he's ran off.
- You never said the donkey was called Tosser.
- Didn't I? Oh, it was still funny though.
Oh.
Bob Monkhouse told me that when I was on Wipeout.
Me and Bob.
I wore a suit, yeah.
Came last.
Still, good day, though.
Mm, I'm stuffed.
What's that sandwich? Make 'em yourself, yeah? - You can have one if you want.
- Yeah? What are they? Ham? Cheese? Egg? Ham.
Very nice.
Well Best be going.
Pipes are calling.
The pipes, the pipes are calling You want that? Yeah, well, it's always happening on them machines, what it was is the core spring on your drum come loose, so, well, you just give us a tenner.
You're sure, Brad.
- Well, I was on me way home.
- Thanks ever so much.
I don't know what I'll do with that washing machine.
- All part of service, ma'am.
- Oh, you've been to America.
- No - He does trucker poems.
You know, he's the bloke I told you about does trucker poems.
Anyway, it's good to see you, Brad - You write poems? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, he does.
So a tenner, eh? Go on, do one of your poems.
Nah! He don't need to do a poem now, it's twenty to seven.
- Oh, go on.
- No, no, he don't need to.
Well, all right, just one.
All right, just one.
Well, I worked in the office and the factory too But all them jobs I tn; to do Was just no good cos I had a dream About Life on the road in a truckin' machine A Peterbilt 379 with a Cummins engine, mighty fine 900 HP under the hood When you're sitting In a cab that feels real good Yeah, get out.
And don't come round again! Unless it's for me, I mean, quite a Lot.
Errol Winston Rodney Spears.
What's the matter with you? The two most beautiful women that will ever be in this flat, and you made me chuck them out.
This purple patch is not gonna last forever, you know.
I know you ugly blokes.
You're all the same.
You wait for Gwyneth Paltrow or Charlotte Church to turn up.
Well, it's not gonna happen.
I've got a girlfriend.
No you haven't! My motto is if you're gonna die Then do it with a plate of cherry pie Serves for country just like a man Who died in a cage in Vietnam.
So why have you never brought her around? Vince, where's my goldfish? It's no longer in captivity.
My granddad's ornamental plate? Well, that bleach was a lot stronger than I thought it was.
Where are me Roman coins? In the fruit machine.
- Where are me trainers? - You threw them out.
Only cos you cut them in half.
What? Where are you getting at.
Everything I've ever cared about, you've ruined.
Do you know what it's like Living with you, Vince? You come in and it's, "Don't do that.
"I'm not watching this.
Put your hood down.
Shave that off.
"Stop wandering about.
Give me your chips.
Kiss my arse.
" - That was sarcastic.
- Don't interrupt.
"Get in this box, don't eat that, blow on me soup, "fix me slippers, put your hood down, stare at the sun.
" I didn't mean it.
I didn't do it.
What I'm trying to say is, Vince, for the first time in my life, I've met someone really special and wonderful.
I'm not gonna let you ruin it.
Well, I'm sorry you feel like that.
And if you want to bring her around, you know, I promise, I'll be friendly and polite, I won't be sarcastic or rude.
No, you're not gonna meet Eleanor.
Eleanor?! Ha ha! What sort of name's that? Eleanor! Through the desert, driving that load When I sees this hitcher, by the road - (Phone) - Oh! I'll.
get It! He's big and mean, and needs a shave (# Whistle While You Work on mobile) 07700-900006.
' Dad? ' SPeaking - It's me.
- Ah, Vincent.
Yes, I'm just on my way over.
- You are wearing clothes, aren't you? - I'm going under a bridge.
- You're breaking up.
- But, Dad I held that coyote close to me In the middle of Highway 663.
Said, "I'm sorry, Little guy "I didn't mean for you to die.
" Looked in his eyes and they seemed to say "Don't worry, trucker, it's the end of play.
"The good Lord chooses when you're out of luck "Could have been a rattler, but I guess it was a truck.
" Wow, that was really good.
Thanks.
Of course, not my best one.
(Glam (Door buzzer) Happy? You know the rules.
Plus fours and a boob tube, grass skirt, bandana.
Oh! What do you want? You phoned me, you sounded a bit "uh huh, uh huh, uh huh.
" Yeah, but that was 1O minutes ago, I'm fine now.
Sorted myself out, as usual.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Your face, my arse.
Every time.
Vincent, I'll be straight with you.
I'm about to come into a shed load of cash.
Oh, good news for the flip-flop Industry.
So, I thought about arranging another family holiday.
Without your mother, of course.
Forget it.
And don't try and tempt me with the extra luggage allowance.
I see there's no photographs of your old dad.
Ah! Ha! You've still got that mug I gave you.
Oh, Vincent! How did we end up like this? Hey, don't go out there.
All I ever wanted to do was show you a new way to live.
Get inside, now.
Give you confidence, learn to love nature, learn to love yourself.
Get off my balcony.
Don't you want to be free, Liberated? Oh, stop it, Dad, please.
Oh Vince, what are you so scared off? People knowing you're my dad.
Don't you dare! I'm free! He is not my dad! Liberate yourself! Close your curtains! God made this body! He is not my dad! - Come on, son, join me.
- Get off! Get off! - You know you want to.
- Get off! He is not my son! Too sugars, please, Lad.
Ham sandwich? I know we've only known each other couple of weeks.
- There's one.
- Thanks.
- And we've only just met up, like, three times.
- Yeah.
I just wanted to say, well, ever since we've met I think I'm in love with you.
No, er, I definitely am.
- Really? - Yes.
That's fantastic cos I'm in love with you too.
- Wow, really? - Yeah.
- There's one! - Thanks.
Oi, Vince, you'll be pleased.
- No Clive today.
- Is he sick? No, he got a call yesterday.
He's made it on The Weakest Link.
- Filming today? - Yeah.
Clive.
Clive.
Clive.
Clive.
(Retching) Dflflm I Loved the writing process and I hated it, cos it's so hard.
There's brilliant moments in it.
But once people started getting involved It's very exciting, there's two or three of you, then you start meeting the producer and the director, then suddenly all these people, it's like this snowball effect.
And you get to this point when you're in a studio and you've 50 or 60 people working on something, that you're responsible for, that's thrilling, that is really exciting.
Like a bat out of hell, I'll be gone when the morning comes - Meat Loaf! - Meat Loaf.
I got one.
# You took the words right out of my mouth Must have been when you were kissing me - That doesn't make sense.
- It's Meat Loaf.
We're singing Meat Loaf songs.
We're singing songs about me having one testicle.
It was like a big family and it was good fun.
We all got on well, had a good laugh.
Apart from when I was saying to people, "Don't do that! "Say it like this!" You can see right across town.
0l! If you like that sort of thing.
- What's the matter? - Oh, it's someone on roller blades.
They can be a nuisance.
Can they? I just try and distract them, see If they fall.
over.
I do it to rollerbladers, skateboarders, cyclists - I'm a cyclist.
- Mm, you better watch yourself.
As I was writing it, because you want it to be perfect and you realise So many people are getting involved you can't stop writing it.
But also you've got to act In It, you've got to rehearse that, you've got to play a character, but you also feel you're responsible for everyone else, and in a way not being able to sort of make any separation, not to go, "I've finished that, now I'm gonna do this.
" And / wasn't very good at that, so the stress would get to you, you'd be thinking about 72 different things at once.
But that was still exciting.
There wasn't any bad things about it.
Yes! Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow Shouldn't leave them lying on the floor.
Someone could have an accident.
They might slip over and go - What are you doing? - It was an accident! You did that on purpose.
- It's an example of what can happen.
- It did happen.
See? It's a good example.
Basically the idea was that you built the flat in the studio and out the window, they took a huge photograph of what the view out of a flat on the 15th storey would be like.
Huge photograph, and [it it and placed it in such a way that they could Light it for day and night, and it's amazing, you Look out of it and it looks like you're in the tower block.
James Dillon, the art director, did a fantastic job of making that seem We had a brill/ant team of technical people, and you can see that.
One of the things people love and go on and on about the show are [is style and [is pace.
That's one thing very particular about the show, is the style and the pace of it.
It was all scripted, and we'd rehearse it as scripted, but if somebody came up with a better Line, we'd put it in.
If something didn't work, it sounded clumsy in the mouth, we didn't improvise.
We'd improvise in the sense that if somebody came up with a line that made it funnier, I'd say, "Yeah, keep that in.
" But I'd also be quite strict, if I thought that was the gag, you couldn't do something which compromised it.
And that used to frustrate some actors, and I'm not You know, Mark's the director and I'm not a director but I'd sweated blood writing these jokes, I didn't want them to be wasted.
So I would actually stop people and say, "What you're doing in that earlier part of the scene "is taking the comedy away from the joke later on, "so can you stop doing that?" And everyone would be going, 'This ls great,' but I'd say, 'No, that's the joke,' and also the plot point, and it's quite hard saying that to people because I don't have the tact of a director.
G©flu E(€@F@§3fl§) Yes! Agh! This is one of those perfect days.
No, I'd no ambitions to write a sitcom.
I had no ambition even to make a radio show.
I thought I'd just carry on doing good stand-up and eventually, my comedy life would just get better.
I didn't realise you had to create things.
It was Dan Freedman, he was a stand-up and was doing a lot of radio stuff and he 'd started working at the BBC, a radio produce/I / was doing some gigs and he said, "Why don '2' you do something for radio?" / said, ”What?" He said, ”You just come up with an idea and they make it.
" I said, 'It doesn't happen like that.
' And he encouraged me to do it and he produced the first two series.
Wouldn't bother watching this, it's rubbish.
I don't mind.
(TV) Now we have on display some buried treasure How Long do you reckon you'll be sitting there? I don't know.
I thought the only funny people were stand-ups.
Then I met all these writers That was more on Buzzcocks, the same for me.
We'd for years just been surrounded by stand-up comedy and stand-up comics, and you always assumed these were the elite, and I think far from that nowadays, once you meet other people in other areas of comedy.
Of all the many forms of comedy, stand-up is almost, er the least noble, if you're gonna use those terms.
No, I think those hidden camera shows are pretty rubbish.
(Blows whistle) Oi! No urinating in the pool I wasn't! You're seven years old, you're bound to be.
A lot of sitcoms have that flat bit where you have exposition.
Someone's got to get from A to B or whatever.
I thought, 'We'll.
just get rid of that, fill.
It with loads of gags.
' It might have been a bit confusing for that reason as well.
People might have Listened to it and thought, "I thought it was a story, now there's" Wasn't there like a sound effect of a lift going down that explained it very quickly? (Sean) Then Mark, the director for the TV show, came up with the idea of the wipe, we just wiped the screen.
So you get the sense you're either going You'd either go across to another room, or down or up, and that gave a sense of "We can move anywhere we want.
" Can I have my pants back? I had this rule that that nothing could happen in the flats that wasn't physically plausible, or socially plausible, so everything, there had to be a reason It could happen.
You couldn't have someone Living with a penguin, you couldn't have The sort of thing that might happen in a sketch show.
There's a whole show of a bloke Living with a pony.
It's not a horse.
That could never happen! I'd go, "it's a comedy show!" And this is exactly it, we'd have these arbitrary lines that we draw when you go, "You couldn't live with a penguin but you could with a pony!" - And we all have those arbitrary lines.
- But you couldn't with a penguin.
There's one that you'll stick to to the day you die and I'll never agree.
Why don't you get rid of it? You haven't got kids, have you? Just because I live in a tower block doesn't mean to say my Little princess can't have an 'horse.
(Vince) It'd have been better if she wanted a bike.
Yeah, I suppose so.
We built up a working relationship where we sort of were in tune and We'd known each other for a long, Long time.
Since we started doing stand-up really.
And in fact we happened to both be fans of each other.
Quite often when someone's a fan of yours, it's like, "That's unfortunate, cos I think you stink.
" That's actually a really, really bad reflection on me, on my own work, what I've done.
It's very rare that you find two stand-ups and, well, I hope so, we're big fans of each other.
- All right, we'll go out for a drink sometime.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I'll see if there's space in my diary.
- OK.
- Plenty of space in my pants Ahem.
See you tomorrow.
When you write comedy, particularly for stand-up, when we're kind of known as much for personae for material, um, you kind of write to that strength.
But If you're a comedy fan - I'll.
laugh at slapstick as much as anyone else - and Sean's natural performance style is much more wacky than mine.
Mine is much more cynical than yours.
But actually when we write, there's a complete crossover.
In real life, I'm hardly happy-go-Lucky, but I would write a lot more wacky stuff with you because that was in the room.
- Which you'd never use yourself.
- And you'd write more cynical stuff than me because I have that element in me and you have that And in fact I remember when we wrote It might have been Leaving The 20th Century, there was a joke about swans and another writer said, "I can tell what was Sean's line," and I said, "No, that wasn't Sean's line.
" Often people would say, "Sean wrote that bit.
" "No, I wrote that bit.
" I might not have written it if Sean hadn't been in the room but I did, - "Swans!" - Yeah, that was all it is, rubbish.
That's why they thought it was Sean.
But But it's weird, there is a sort of meeting ground of stuff that we maybe wouldn't have come up with on our own.
You couldn't have taken it all this way round the Becket Centre.
Maybe you went through the church yard.
No, there's no way I'd do that.
- (Man) Hey, your back wheel's going round! - It's a plough! (Man) Who do you think you are, Michael Schumacher? You could only say that if I'm driving a car.
(Man) # I got a brand-new combine ham/ester! It's a plough! Why don't you just ignore them? I don't mind abuse as Long as it's accurate.
What are you doing with that plough, you twat? Ignore him, Errol One of the nice things working with you, Mark - I really did like working with Mark - was I didn't feel like I was the one who was always going, "Come on, come on, come on.
" Which when it's my own project, often Iyou are.
It's quite nice to have somebody who pushes you, pushes themselves as hard as you want.
And Martin Trenaman, who has as equal a contribution as Mark, in some shows more, whatever.
It's great, Martin's more passive.
He's a great writer to work with, but I would be the one going, "What shall we? Come on.
" It was quite a relief for me when Mark would come in in this fiurry of energy and cigarettes.
And just go, "Right!" It was like working in a microwave, everything was speeded up.
So you just have to go, "Gotta keep up!" Really like holding on.
When you told Martin this he was really upset cos it sounded like you were reflecting badly on him and it's not.
It's just two different ways of working.
Oi! Is that for me? Put it on the slab.
Oi! Where's my kiss? I thought it was a wind-up! No.
Everybody does It.
It's tradition! That other bloke didn't give you a kiss.
We're saving it up, we're gonna have a good old snog.
One of my favourite scenes in the whole series, I don't why it's my favourite scene, it's in the first series and it's the one where I'm teaching this sort of Page 3 girl to swim, and her husband is a bit mad, outside.
And I Look through the spyhole and you see a girl in a sari, just from behind, and she's got this silver sari on.
And she waiting for a Lift She's waiting for a Lift.
I went into pidgin English then! And she just boots the lift.
And I really liked that for some reason cos it was like a Little snapshot of something you don't normally see.
You don't normally see girls in saris booting Lifts.
I don't know why.
And it was those Little images I was trying to capture, funny Little observations that you You know if you go out for a walk and you come home and you see your wife or your friend, whatever, and you say, "I just saw a very strange thing happen in the park.
" Just those Little observations that you see.
So I was trying to build up a picture of those.
But the characters in the flats, they were jokes.
They were all joke-based.
So they weren't really I wouldn't say it's a character-based show like a sketch show that is rammed with crazy characters.
It was more about scenarios.
Even you and Benny didn't have particularly defined characters.
Benny did more than me, I suppose.
Yeah, but they weren't They're not that crucial.
And they didn't always necessarily motor along or motivate the plots.
No.
Well, yes and no.
I don't know really.
I'd have to have a really long think about that.
- The characters - Hey, we'll wait.
Meow! Meow! Meow! The characters were sort of those kind of comic folks that you need for each other, - but Benny, as I was saying earlier - They were actually a Little bit I was gonna say Laurel and Hardy, but they're any classic double act, aren't they? The idiot who knows everything and the idiot who knows nothing.
- Master-servant.
- Yeah.
My flat.
And we never wrote We didn't write the part for a Chinese actor.
It took ages, I couldn't see anybody in this flat with me.
Then Benny came in and he just seemed to make sense of it from there.
Hello, Mum.
It's your third youngest here.
Errol The Chinese one.
How are you all? Did Barn; get that job? He's the one with the lisp.
I hope so.
I like him.
Well, I'm Living in a tower block.
My flatmates name's Vince.
He's all right.
He seems a bit confused.
Yesterday I told him about Uncle Ray's phone number problem.
He's just told it back to me as if it was his story.
The idea of Vince was, and partly the idea of the show, why he was like that, and the show was like that There's a lot of people in London who kind of get washed up in a place.
And they don't necessarily take part in normal life, they don't have families, they don't interact socially, they lose touch with their friends, people move on in life.
Some people, all their friends move on, get married, they move out, they get left on a shelf, and that was what Vince was like.
Continually finding new ways to isolate himself, protect himself from actually recognising what his Life was like.
So that was really the sort of template for it, the idea for it anyway.
And I could see, I've done that at points in my life.
And London's a very easy place to do that, to just disappear.
Yet you're surrounded by people, things happen, you meet people every day.
And it was about conversations with strangers.
At one point, three or four weeks, I was Living somewhere and I only spoke to strangers.
Apart from the odd conversation on the phone with friends or family.
You have to travel two hours across London to see like a friend, for example, if you've chosen to live in some obscure part of southeast London, and that would be it, so that was kind of the Life it was.
And then with him it seemed to be comically more, much easier, for him to be a misery.
Someone who didn't want to get involved in the world.
Now, if I was to do it again I'd change that.
I think one of the flaws in a lot of English sitcom characters is they aren't complicated enough, they tend to be a bit one note.
- I know someone who'd enjoy your classes.
- Send her along.
I warn you, she can't take a joke.
Is it your girlfriend? No.
No.
No way.
(Chuckles nervously) No.
I can't really see you with a girl.
Or a bloke.
- What do you mean? - You're a bit funny.
One of the girls said you're creepy, but I said, "No, he's all right, just a bit weird.
" What? W-Weird? What What sort of? Ooh-ooh-ooh! - What's he doing? - Idiot.
He's funny.
Oh, I was gonna ask you - what are you doing tomorrow night? Oh, nothing.
Why, you, er, thinking of? No.
No, no, no, it's Darren's birthday and we thought it'd be a Laugh if only one of us turns up at the pub and he thinks he's got to spend all night with you, and you go for a meal and we're all at the restaurant.
Ooh-ooh! (Stacey laughs) Such an arsehole.
You don't wanna do it? No, I'll do it.
It's very difficult to work with a character to maintain a story and their characteristics if you make them more open and you suddenly see this other side to them.
You say, "Why would he do that, then?" It makes writing the plots easier if you know, "In this situation he's gonna do that.
" - The audience know that - I can't remember instances but I remember times suggesting Vince'd do this and you went, "Vince wouldn't do that.
" And I've got to say a few times, I was like "He might.
" - Ah! - Careful.
All right, mate? Is there a doctor? I love this.
This bit is when this guy's had a heart attack.
We don't know what's happened to and someone asks the dassic; 'is there a doctor?' Everyone's going, "No, no medical experience.
" And they're going Lower down the ranks of people who have got any use.
Anyone know first aid? Anyone a first aider? There must be a first aider.
- Well, I'm a lifeguard.
- Oh, fantastic! (Sean) Every time I see this bit where he, um basically gives a tracheotomy to someone who's just had a bit of asthma or something.
(All) Ooooh! You see him run out of this huddle and everyone's going, "Ooh!" like a great doctor, and he's just got blood dripping from his hands.
(Applause) Do you know where the toilets are round here? Oh, thanks, cheers.
- I had this routine in my act, which was - Which is the end of the show.
Yeah, I thought I'd really like to use that.
It was all about queuing up at an airport and being told your flights been oversold.
And it happened to me on the way to Ireland to the Kilkenny festival.
And what I actually said was, I went, "Oh, Jesus!" And then later I said, "I can't believe this, we've been waiting fucking ages," and people went, "Oh, dear!" And I remember - I didn't say anything - I remember thinking, "That's what swearing's meant for.
" And I got this whole idea about this is what swearing is meant for.
The key phrase is, "There's no call for that kind of language" This is why swearing was invented.
Look, we have oversold the flight.
You have to go on the next flight.
What the fuck do you think you're doing, selling my fucking ticket? Really, sir, there is no need to swear.
Yes, there is.
There is a need to swear.
Oh, very much so, in fact it's situations like this that swearing was fucking invented for.
This is why we've got swear words.
The word "fuck" was created for exactly moments like this.
Listen to it.
Fuck, I'm not going on my fucking flight.
I won't be going to fucking Fin-fucking-land.
I bet they don't have this problem in Japan, do they? No.
Because over there everything works, doesn't It? Everyone does their job.
You buy a ticket, you go to the airport, you get on a plane.
Yippee! Yeah! I don't even know if I wanna go to fucking Finland.
(All cheer) Yeah! (All) Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince! (Chanting and cheering continues) (Vince) I'm Lovely!