1600 Penn s01e08 Episode Script

1 And later today the President will stop by the "Let's Multiply" award ceremony to hand out trophies to the nation's brightest young female mathematicians and scientists.
And that's all I've got for you.
I'd say that was a pretty painless briefing.
- Marshall.
- Yeah.
Does the White House have any comment on Skip Gilchrist's podcast? I'm sorry, I thought you said Skip had a podcast.
Oh, that is what I said.
Skip has a podcast.
Oh.
Oh, Skip's-Skip's podcast.
I forgot about it for a second because it's so not a big deal.
I mean, of course, we know about it.
Otherwise, it might be like a political ticking time bomb.
So, if you'll excuse me.
(Reporters murmuring) SKIP: Welcome back, Skipaholics, to the official podcast of the Gilchrist White House.
Now, what I'm about to say, may sound controversial.
Ah, (Bleep).
It's an honor to have you in my classroom.
Well, it is a parent-teacher conference, and I am a parent.
I know, but the First Lady, right in front of me.
I'm sorry, I promised myself that I would be professional, but O.
M.
G.
, I love you, so much.
Like a sister, or brother, not sexual.
How is Marigold doing? I'm actually very concerned about her.
I'm here.
I'm here, sorry.
What are you doing here? O.
M.
G.
, this is amazing.
The First Lady and America's favorite pregnant teen.
Oh, I'm actually 22, and sorry I'm late.
But somebody forgot to tell me this conference was happening.
'Cause somebody isn't a parent and it's not a sister-teacher conference.
That's what it was before I went off to college.
Then I took over.
And suddenly there's a crisis that requires an emergency meeting with Marigold's teacher.
(Both feign laughing) I bet you banter like this all the time.
The rat-a-tat-tats, the bon mots.
Ooh! Why don't we talk about Marigold? Yes, of course.
I am very concerned.
What is it? Is she underperforming? Quite the opposite.
Marigold is so bright and she recently qualified to take honors algebra in the fall.
And you're concerned because She's choosing to take regular algebra instead.
(Gasps) I know this must be especially troubling to the co-founders of "let's multiply.
" Big fan! Big fan! Well, I hear you and I am on this.
I also hear you and I am also on this.
To a slightly greater degree that a parent would be.
- A step-parent.
- Still hearing "parent.
" Do you mind? Scooch in.
What? Oh, oh, no, could we not Smile.
And tweet.
(Knocking on door) Hey.
Becca's at a doctor appointment, so I wanted to talk to you about the parent-teacher conference.
Why does it matter where Becca is? It doesn't.
Um, Mr.
Norgel said you didn't want to take honors algebra, for some reason.
That's what this is about.
Marigold, it is a parent's job to give her child ground to stand on and wings to fly.
Honors algebra is those wings.
Are those wings? Is? What are you saying? What am I saying? You need to take honors algebra.
You may think you can't handle it, but you definitely can.
You are so smart.
Okay.
Really? Wow.
I had more, but wings worked.
It's just that I wasn't going to take honors algebra because it's at the same time as photography.
Photography? Yeah, it just seems so cool and I kind of wanted to try it.
Plus, I'm already taking a bunch of other honors classes.
Marigold, that excuse Is totally reasonable.
It's nice to see you explore new interests.
If you really want to take photography, you should take it.
Photography shall be your wings.
Thanks, Emily.
I'm really not getting the wings thing though.
Oh, it's a total dud.
Just, let's finish that hug.
Why would God make forests so big if he wasn't trying to hide something? The Yeti must exist.
The Yeti must exist.
By the way, I'd like to say Konichiwa to all of my friends in Japan just waking up right now.
It's tomorrow there.
Skip, we've got to talk.
Oh, good news, everybody: We've got a special guest who's not just me changing my voice a little bit.
It's America's favorite press secretary, Marshall Malloy.
No, no, no, no, Skip, I came here to shut down this podcast.
What? Why? Because we can't just have your unfiltered ramblings representing the views of your father's administration.
All right, just sit down here and let's discuss this while I record it.
Skip, I am not coming on your podcast.
Come on, Marshall.
Please, just do it.
Just do it, man.
I'll make it the last one.
I could really use you to goose my ratings.
This could really put me over the top in the urban market.
That means black.
Please, Marshall.
Okay, fine.
I will answer a couple of questions so long as this is your last episode.
(Quietly): Talk into this mic.
And we're back.
My guest is Marshall Malloy.
(Music playing) SKIP (Recording): Live from the Lincoln bedroom.
(Mouthing along to recording) It's Skip Gilchrist.
Boom.
(Stomping footsteps approaching) Oh, boy.
Photography? What, was finger painting full? Marigold and I had a really good talk.
And we arrived at the right decision for her.
You got played, Emily.
I most certainly did not.
She explained her newfound passion for photography and her desire to balance it against a challenging course load.
You got played.
We shouldn't force her.
Maybe she doesn't like math.
Nobody likes math.
I don't even like math and I love it.
Well, you sound insane.
Emily, of course Marigold is going to choose the easier thing.
That's what kids do.
And you know all those smart kids she used to hang out with? Well, they are gone; poof.
But that's okay because the kids in regular algebra will teach her how to smoke.
She wants to take photography.
It's okay to let her follow her bliss.
Bliss That's a good stripper name.
Maybe she could use that.
(Bottles rattling) Hey, guys.
Just having a little snack attack.
Dad, you agree that Marigold has to aim high, right? Yeah, sure.
But you also agree that it's important for her to explore her interests.
How did I get myself surrounded? I'm a marine.
Look, I don't want to get in the middle of this.
You both love Marigold.
I love Marigold Is that Marigold over there? No, not biting? Dad, what's it going to be? - Pick a side.
- Why? You're both making such incredible points.
And whoever loses, Marigold wins.
I am Dale Gilchrist, and I approve this message.
(Sighs) You know what, Emily, if photography is Marigold's passion, then that's what she should pursue.
I'm fine with it.
I'm so not fine with it.
So, then I opened the briefcase, and it's filled with croissants, but the joke is on me because the French ambassador ate my talking points for breakfast.
(Laughing) Delightful.
If you're just joining us, my guest is Marshall Malloy; our topic: Life.
Skip, this is actually really fun.
Man, I-I've been working for your father for 12 years, and this is the first time anybody has ask me a question about me.
Tell us about those early years.
A young person of color, struggling on the gritty streets of - Lake Tahoe.
- Uh-huh.
Right out of high school I started interning for your dad and he has kept me busy ever since.
Fascinating.
Take us there.
Well, your dad was a congressman, and one of my first tasks was writing letters on his behalf.
You've opened the door, now pull back the curtain.
Well, congressman are extremely busy.
So, they'll often have staffers write their correspondence and then sign their letters with an auto-pen.
Robot pens.
Are they sentient? Can they be defeated? As you know, swords are useless against them.
Moving on.
Marshall, I'd love to hear your impressions of a young Skip Gilchrist.
Oh, if I recall, the summer I started interning you were 13 years old and you were having a hard time at summer camp.
Your dad said that you were just miserable.
Oh, my gosh, I'll never forget that summer.
The only thing rougher than the toilet paper was the response to my one-man performance of Oliver! I did not consider myself at home.
But then my dad wrote me the most amazing letter.
It really made me feel A ton better.
Skip, is something wrong? Oh, right.
Marshall Letter Dad.
- Hold the phone.
- Skip Marshall, hold the damn phone.
Did you write personal letters for my dad? Hey, Skip, you want to talk about area 51? As a matter of fact, let's just go there.
We'll take the transporter, which, as you suspected, totally exists.
Wait, wait, what's that? Julie Chen and Lucy Liu both want to go? I'll never forget the day my dad sent me this letter at camp.
It was like he reached inside my rib cage and gave me a pat on the heart.
And at the end of it he wrote, "Skip, I'm proud of you.
" - And you kept it, that's great.
- I kept it because that was the only time my dad ever said he was proud of me.
The one time.
Marshall, did you write this letter? Skip, I can't remember if - Did you write this letter?! - Yes.
(Dramatic music plays) (Music stops) We'll be right back.
And we are back with the Marhsall Malloy who's destroyed my childhood.
Skip, I wasn't trying to destroy anything.
I was just doing my job.
"And, so, Skip, no matter how many swirlies you get, "or how many times they push you off the pier "into the cold, uncaring water of Lake Minikani, know that you are never truly alone.
" Now that is some good stuff that your father should have written you himself.
Again, really sorry.
Sorry isn't enough, Marshall.
My dad entrusted my spiritual well-being Nay, the very molding of my character to an employee.
Well, an intern.
Uh, uh, and we'll be right back with the best of Skip.
BECCA: Behold, Marigold, an hour from now this room will be filled with the greatest minds in math and science.
They'll receive trophies and accolades and a peanut-free lunch.
You're wasting your time.
Emily already told me I don't have to take honors algebra.
I'm not hear to tell you you have to take it.
I am here to show you that you want to take it.
Now, meet Kayla.
She's who you could be one day.
(Robot voice): Take me to your leader.
Who is also your father.
(Laughs) - Nope.
- I'm just kidding.
It's nice to meet you.
I thought you two might hang out.
Talk about all the cool stuff you're into and how for Kayla, that's math.
And bugs.
Oh, Kayla, shut up.
(Sighs) Marigold, wait.
If you're trying to bribe me, at least introduce me to somebody cool or famous - or something.
- Fine! Not that I'm trying to bribe you, but who would it take to impress-slash-bribe you? Or do you maybe want to hang out with Kayla more? She's pretty cool.
So she said, "there's no e-to-the-pi-I in team.
" And I said, "stop being negative.
" (Girls laughing) Yeah, maybe we should just talk cash.
Dark times here at the Gilchrist White House.
My dad never said he was proud of me.
What else is a lie? Maybe he doesn't think I look like a young Joe Namath.
Maybe that's not a fat mirror in the master bath.
Xander, how do you deal with the fact that dad's never said he's proud of you? He told me last week.
(Yells) You tried to bribe her? I succeeded in bribing her.
All we have to do is get Hope solo.
We need her at the White House by 4:00, after which Marigold will take honors algebra.
Now, Hope is in Mexico City today, so we may need Air Force One You look angry.
I can't believe you went behind my back.
Well, only after you failed I waited for you to fail first.
Everything okay? - Hell no.
- Absolutely not.
Great.
Let's hand out some awards.
Today, we are celebrating the achievements of 20 bright, talented young women, who thankfully had parents who pushed them to do - their best in math and science - Subjects which happen to capture their passion.
The key ingredient to success, whether it's the sciences or Let's say photography.
Well, photography probably isn't the best example since it's something you can master by downloading a 99-cent app.
There's no app for Pythagoras, girls.
- It's actually called a calculator.
- The point is ask yourself, is my passion worthy of my passion? And if your passion is photography, then the answer is no.
Your family gives some really weird speeches.
Yeah, they're fighting about me, but they're not exactly fighting about me.
I get it my mom and dad give me grief all the time.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
You kind of seem like the perfect kid.
I burn things.
EMILY: Nobody grows up and ends up saying, "oh, I'm so glad I took all that math.
" BECCA: I do, every day.
My point is trophies are great, but you can't take them with you when you die.
The Egyptians did.
And now, instead of this, uh, please welcome the President of the United States.
(Applause) Thank you, Emily.
Thank you, Becca.
Wow.
What do you say after all that? You girls have done great work on your projects.
I'm so proud of all of you.
SKIP: Oh, really? Huh.
You don't say.
You're proud of a bunch of little girls you don't even know.
- How neat.
- Is he supposed to speak, too? That's a mistake.
- I'm on it.
- Hey, dad.
Is this a Q and A 'cause boy, do I have a Q for your A.
Ladies and gentlemen, do not believe a word this man says because chances are he didn't make up any of those words himself.
For President Dale Gilchrist is an outsourcer of fatherly love.
Oh! Let's multiply, huh? The only thing being multiplied here are lies! MARSHALL: Skip.
It won't rip.
We need to wrap it up now.
Give me this.
- Why won't it rip? - Just give me All right, there are a lot of fires to put out.
Let's do this.
Marshall, Skip is upset about that letter situation.
How can we contain it? Actually, sir, he wants you to apologize on his podcast.
He says you're a "get.
" - Fine.
- And he's also demanding two bags of potato chips and if the word "baked" appears anywhere on the packaging he will quote, "go bo-nanners.
" Moving on.
Emily, Becca, that was a real debacle back there.
You two need to figure this out.
She's letting Marigold squander her future.
She needs to understand who the parent is here.
All right, maybe it's time you two had a third party weigh in.
You know, someone to listen in who cares about both of you.
Yes, I think maybe we're there.
I agreed more quickly but did not verbalize it.
Great.
- Marshall is your man.
- What? You really screwed me with this podcast thing, so good luck, kid.
- Hey, Xander.
- You got the stuff? Yeah, uh, chips, yeah.
Here you go.
These check out.
Bring him in.
Listen, Skip, I'm really sorry Bup, bup, bup.
Don't tell it to me.
Tell it to the people.
With me now for the next four hours, President Dale Gilchrist.
And that is why Marigold should have the freedom to follow - her passion.
- Except she needs discipline.
Hey, I didn't interrupt you.
Actually I have a 30-second rebuttal here.
Actually this debate is over.
- What? - I have a life outside of this place I'm in a kickball league.
Okay, then who won the debate? Yup, yup, I'm gonna choose a winner.
- Who won, Marshall? - All right, fine.
Although it was difficult, the winner is Hi, guys.
So, remember that algebra thing? - Sure.
- Uh, yeah, rings a bell.
Well, it turns out I can take both that and photography.
I had read the schedule wrong.
So, see you.
So, who would've won? - Me, right? - Seriously? You want me to rule on an already-resolved middle school scheduling issue? - Absolutely.
- Yes.
All right, fine I'm a little short on time, so you'll have to imagine me saying "with all due respect" before most of this.
Becca, you are not the parent here.
Although you may have helped raise Marigold in the past, it was petty of you to undercut Emily's authority.
And you, you are the First Lady of the United States of America, and you just told a group of math students that math sucks.
You both acted like children in front of the children who you were supposed to be inspiring.
So, the point is nobody won.
(Laughs) You both lost.
With all due respect.
You wrote a fake letter to Skip.
Yeah, nice fake letter, Marshall.
I'm going to kickball.
You hungry? I could eat.
SKIP: Next question, Mr.
President.
- Dad, may I call you dad? -Of course.
Name your favorite movie, and as a follow up, compare and contrast it to Goonies, unless, of course, it is Goonies, in which case you are correct.
Skip, I know why I'm here Let's get to it.
Let's.
Name me one time that you were actually proud of me.
Commando My favorite movie is Commando.
- Marshall.
- He may have a point.
- We do fight all the time.
- It's not good.
How about this? How about we each say something that we could do to make our relationship better.
- Yes, good.
- Okay.
Well, for me as a parent, I could be less threatened by you and more confident about my role in our family.
(Sighs) I'm gonna be a horrible mom.
Oh, I'm not sure you understood the rules.
What are you talking about? You're gonna be a great mom.
Would a great mom bribe her child to take math while crapping all over her artistic impulses? I mean, who's a great mom? Oh, God, my motherly instincts suck.
Come on, this is about us.
We were both trying to do what was best and let's face it, we're both very opinionated.
And ambitious, and assertive, and smart and we don't suffer fools.
So so you're saying that we fight all the time because - we're both - Fantastic, yeah.
So don't worry about your mom skills.
You already helped raise Xander and Marigold.
And Skip.
Now I'm gonna help you.
Thanks, Emily.
Yeah.
Or should I say Nana? Nono, no, no, no.
Dad, just answer the question.
All right, fine.
You want to know some times when I was proud of you? The t-ball championship when you were eight.
The time you were Kenickie in Grease.
And your set at that open mic last year.
But, dad, my strikeout lost us the t-ball championship, I fell off the stage in Grease, and I fell off the stage again at that open mic.
How do you strikeout in t-ball? - Xander.
- Those were all failures.
How could be proud of me for those? You might get knocked down but you get right back up.
So, why don't you ever say it? I'm sorry, I'm just not one of those dads who goes around saying, "I'm proud of you" all the time.
But that doesn't mean that I don't believe in you, because I do.
I guess that makes sense.
You know, this whole letter thing reminded me of something.
A letter that you wrote to me from camp that summer about how you refused to quit even though the camp was tough and those kids were mean.
I can't believe you remember that letter.
I didn't just remember it.
I kept it.
Dad? This is a podcast, please describe what's happening here.
The President is staring at me as though he's puzzled and slightly impatient which is surely the top note, but underneath that is a new era in our relationship that can only be consummated with a hug.
I'm moving in Xander, cue the music.
No, no.
I am now hugging the President.
He is slowly and reluctantly putting his arms around me.
He's patting me one, two, three times.
Oh! What's that I'm detecting? A slight stroking of his hand.
He's now pulling away.
He's now trying to get out of the hug.
Uh, good luck with that, dad.
DALE: Skip, Skip, please.
SKIP: Shh! Don't struggle.
What a moment.
Thank you for listening.