1600 Penn s01e09 Episode Script

1 Skip, what are you doing? Oh, just collecting roses for my lady.
Your lady? Remember Stacey Kim from the mailroom? Well, I asked her out, and she said yes.
Isn't Stacey the one that ran away when you asked her to be your girlfriend in a room full of senators? I was hoping you'd forget about that, but yes.
She also said she's gonna give me one more chance.
However, if you heard the way in which she said it, you'd realize I really do have to make this the most romantic night ever.
And you know how to do that? Rose petals wherever she goes.
Getting in the car, rose petals.
At the dinner table, rose petals.
Go to the bathroom, "what's that, Stacey? What's that all over the seat?" Those are rose petals.
It's gonna be pretty classy.
I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but if he's got a blade in his hands, you're doing it wrong.
We better get this version of the bill to congress, so they can get a head start on not reading it.
My point is they don't do anything.
Are you sure you want to go down this road? There are plenty of other things we could do tonight.
It doesn't have to be like this.
So you surrender without a fight? I'll set it up.
Hey, dad, we just saw the most amazing exhibit - at the national gallery.
- What'd you see? Microscopes and Petticoats: Portraits of female scientists at the dawn of women's suffrage.
Oof, sorry, son.
It's okay.
Becca said if we're gonna make this relationship work, we need to learn about each other's interests.
- Yesterday, we watched Iron Man.
- Again.
Oh, and I got this awesome shirt with this dude on it.
- That's Marie Curie.
- Yeah, that's the guy.
Risk? Last time you played Xander, I seem to recall someone spent the rest of the night in tears.
It was a big win; I was emotional.
You're in big trouble, dad.
I'm studying game theory.
You can try to counteract my plans, but I've already counter-counteracted your plans.
If you need me, I'll be in here.
Your mind.
I'm loving the trash talk.
Quick question.
If I wanted to rent a hot air balloon on short notice, could I drop your name to the balloon company just to speed up the process? Skip, you don't need a hot air balloon.
Well, then where am I supposed to sing my song, Emily? - Your song? - At the end of the night, just as Stacey's thinking to herself, "my, God, this has been the best six hours of my life," that's when I'm gonna seal the deal by singing the most romantic song of all time, "Fever" as performed by Ella Fitzgerald as performed by Skip Gilchrist.
- Oh, that sounds amazing.
- It's a about matching Ella's balance of toughness and sensuality.
My friend, Dominic, from the D.
O.
D.
is gonna accompany me on the accordion.
Don't let the name fool you, he's Jewish.
Oh, game time; Have fun, guys.
All right, D.
B.
and I are gonna go paint a mural for the baby.
Microscopes and Petticoats was just so inspiring.
So no one wants to tap the brakes on the old Skip-mobile? It's just a date, Emily.
Some of the worst disasters in my life came in the form of dates.
That's why we skipped the date.
Just leave him alone.
It's just, Skip's such a nice guy.
I know how I was with nice guys when I was Stacey's age, and I don't want her to make the same mistake with Skip.
Emily, just let one moment in life go untouched by your influence.
That was supposed to sound playful, but it came off kind of mean.
No, you're right.
I should just let him make his own mistakes.
It's the only way he'll learn.
Major breakthrough.
We're putting rose petals inside the balloons so that when they pop, they'll explode love all over Stacey.
Skip, sweetie, you've got such a big heart.
The doctors say dangerously so.
And I know, sometimes, when you have a crush on someone, you feel like you should do all these big, romantic gestures, but too much can be a bad thing.
And that's why I think, for tonight, you have to take all the great things that make Skip Skip, and just Kind of scale it back a little bit.
- Shouldn't I just be myself? - Totally.
I'm saying be yourself, just like, 60% of yourself.
Forty percent.
- Well, here's a question for you.
- Uh-huh? Which part of Skip should I skip? Tell you what.
Let's-let's just Okay, I'm Stacey.
What's the first thing you say when we sit down? - I love you.
- Uh, no.
That's what I'm talking about.
If you say that in the first three seconds of the date, you are going to freak her out.
Trust me, I've been on a lot of first dates.
- Does dad know? - In the past.
- Oh, of course.
- And I've picked up a few tricks, okay? I'm not saying you have to change everything.
You can still be nice, just not too nice.
Nice but not too nice.
Play hard to get.
Tease her a little bit.
So you're saying I should just insult her? No.
I mean, it'll draw her in a little bit at first, and she'll think with some work she can change you, but in the end she'll realize you'll never change, and her father was right, and you stole her 20s, Russell Peterson.
What's happening? Let's regroup.
It's not too late to call this off.
The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.
Classic sun tzu.
Nice try, dad.
Talk your game theory all you want, but do you see that? I got that sword when I became a marine.
I've been playing risk a long time, son, only in real life.
Ooh, I want a sword.
Focus, Xander; Show no weakness.
That's a sword for a warrior, not a toy for a little kid.
And so it begins.
Hey.
Can I play? So, what are we painting? It's a mural of Marie Curie looking through a microscope, but what she's looking at is the history of women's achievements over time.
What? No, seriously, what are we painting? I was thinking, like, a sweet truck with a Teddy bear driving it.
No, seriously.
I figured it all out.
I mapped the entire mural on a grid using the pantone color system.
All we have to do is fill in the squares.
There are 1,024 squares.
Fun.
All right, let's try this again.
Do not discuss politics or religion or past relationships.
Keep it light, smile, show just the right amount of interest, laugh at her jokes, do not laugh at your jokes.
And go.
Stacey, have you ever had that mole checked? I know that's not good, but I'm not sure why.
Are moles political? I think I'm making this more complicated than it really is.
No, it's okay.
I just have to get used to the fact that every instinct I have is a dirty lie that will ruin everything.
Look, here's a trick that I taught your father for when he needs to think things through.
If you feel like you're gonna blurt something out that you shouldn't, just take a long sip of water and figure out what you're going to say.
Let's practice.
Spider-man can beat up Batman.
Well, what an interesting opinion you have.
That's it! You did it.
That's your secret weapon.
Oh, good.
I just wanted to punch you in the damn face when you said that.
Great, Skip.
Do you think you're ready? Yeah.
I just need to be nice, but not too nice and also mean, drink water constantly, not talk about any of my favorite subjects, only order one entrée We'll see how that goes And basically not be myself so that she'll like me, the new me, the one we just made.
Good.
Okay.
Nice job picking the place, Skip.
I love you nicorns; Such noble creatures.
Yeah, they're pretty neat.
And may I just say, that's an absolutely disgusting sweater in a great way.
Makes your breasts look sleek for a mail carrier.
I guess women really can have it all.
Caviar? How's the conversation going? He's dying in here, ma'am.
I'll put all my armies in China.
My people focus on building roads, libraries and hospitals.
That's not how the game is played, Marigold.
You have to attack.
Okay, I'll attack you.
But, sweetie, you have to have a plan.
This is a complex game of strategy and chance.
Seems like I just roll the stupid dice and take your stupid countries.
Whoo.
Code red.
Tommy, I need you to spill that drink on Stacey and get her out of there so I can talk to Skip.
I really don't want to, ma'am.
Go in now.
I'm sorry to bother you Oh, I'm-I'm Damn it, Tommy, I'll have you court-martialed for this.
I'm just kidding; I'd never.
It's okay; That's why I ordered white wine.
I had a feeling.
I'll be right back.
I'm sorry.
Here, take this.
It's your stepmother.
Hello, Emily, what's going on? Is it papa? Am I President? No, Skip, listen, I'm across the street watching you, and you're not doing anything we talked about.
I'm doing everything we talked about.
None of it's working.
You're outside, watching me? Calm down.
We can fix this.
She's coming back.
Momily, she's coming back.
Repeat: She's coming back.
Skip, if you want to save this date, say exactly what I say.
Too bad, kids.
This just isn't your night.
Don't worry, you'll take me down some day, Xander.
I place my 20 armies in siam and attack Australia.
I did not see that coming.
Everyone knows Australia is the key to victory, and you left it undefended, 'cause you were too worried about marigold.
Looks like this may just be my night.
Australia, that's, uh That's a good Mmm.
We need more snacks.
General, sorry to call you so late.
The president needs a contingency plan for an attack on Australia? Do those even exist? Hey, I may have something.
Hey, how about just a tiny red lightning bolt right here? Ooh, I like that idea, but let's just put that one in the maybe pile.
The maybe pile's getting kind of full, babe.
It's got a truck, Iron Man, Uncle Randy up in heaven, looking down And those are all really great ideas I just don't know if they're right for our baby.
You know what, I'm painting my own thing.
D.
B.
Hypothetically, if we're facing an enemy with troops in Australia and Western Europe, and we're holed up in the Ural mountains and Yakutsk, what would our plan be? Have you been playing Risk, sir? Yeah.
And I'm losing to Xander.
It's the first time it's ever happened.
I'm being ridiculous.
I'm sorry for wasting everybody's time.
You're not being ridiculous, sir.
The first time you lose a game to your son is the day everything changes.
Well, I don't know about that, but You're not superman anymore You're just some old guy who lives in his house and makes love to his mom.
After my Tricia beat me in air hockey for the first time, it was in with the nose ring, pink with the hair and gone with the virginity.
Next thing you know, she's on the back of a scooter with a guy named Motorcycle.
Sir, it is our recommendation that you do not lose this game.
Okay, what's the strategy? Can you, uh, make an alliance? The enemy of your enemy is your friend.
Marigold, but it goes against all my instincts to negotiate with a teenager.
It's either that or the nuclear option.
Flipping the board.
That's right, Evan.
We are invading Australia.
Yeah, we are tired of their bland beer and poisonous snakes.
Turn on CNN, the bombardment of Sydney is about to begin.
No, you cannot just use the first part.
Apologize for being weird.
Say you're just excited to be spending time with her outside the White House.
So sorry I've been weird.
I'm just excited about spending time with you away from the White House.
Ask her about her family.
So, Stacey, um, tell me about your family.
We're very close.
My parents came over from Korea in the '70s.
Don't say anything about taekwondo.
Skip, I know you want to, but fight it fight it.
Skip, take a sip of water.
Your parents sound delightful.
They are.
Hah! You're no match for our alliance.
We'll see how this plays out over the next five or six hours.
Oh, seriously? Five hours? I quit.
You can't quit.
We have an alliance.
We high-fived over it! Come on! Dad, it's just a game.
I planned my strategy around Marigold quitting.
She's a textbook unexpected interloper.
First, they insert themselves, stir things up, maybe help you for a while.
But things fall apart the moment you think you're doing great.
Okay, Skip, you're doing great.
I never knew I was such a lady killer.
Me neither.
Hm? Ok, Skip, we're in a home stretch now.
Go ahead and ask her about her interests.
So, Stacey, I've been meaning to ask you: What are your interests? I love art I recently saw an exhibit at the national gallery on "Women in Science.
" Microscopes and Petticoats! Say you saw it and loved it.
Microscopes and Petticoats! Say I saw it and loved it.
What was your favorite part? The s Stall her, Skip.
Specifically, I love The Brush strokes.
That doesn't even look like Iron Man.
Good, 'cause it's Uncle Randy.
- Emily, what? - Becca? I'm just out and about and I was thinking of seeing Microscopes and Petticoats.
How nice of you to respect my opinion.
Yeah, I don't have a lot of time for that.
Can you just tell me what your favorite part was? I guess I would start with the section on women breaking into the academy Tell her your favorite part was when the women broke into that academy.
Yes, they were real trailblazers.
Did they not get caught? So, what else did you like? Uh Hold on, Skip.
Wait, you're with Skip? I thought he was on his date.
Well, I kind of followed him here it's no big deal.
Right now, I need you to tell me more art facts so I can feed it to him in his earpiece.
Emily, you have a problem.
I don't have time to debate this right now.
Skip, just tell her You are pathologically incapable of butting out.
You just can't help yourself.
Okay, listen.
Okay, listen.
I'm tired of going back and forth on this.
Yes, I feel deeply That's not a crime.
SKIP:- That's not a crime.
EMILY:- And you know what? - We're in each other's lives now.
- You know what? We're in each other's lives now.
So if you could accept me for me, that'll save us a hell of a lot of time.
And it may be hard for you to believe But I love you and I'm not going anywhere.
Wow.
Do you hear me, Becca? Do you hear me, Becca? Becca? Eh Are you wearing an earpiece? She's asking if I'm wearing an earpiece, over.
Can you hear me? I can hear you.
To be continued, Becca.
What the hell is that? Repulsor rays.
He's Iron Man now.
Deal with it.
Oh, you are immature.
This is just a fight! It's not a fight with romantic undertones.
Are you sure? Hey, have you seen your dad? Or yourselves? He's playing Risk with Xander.
Oh, risk! Thank God For a second, I thought the whole world had gone crazy.
Uh-huh.
I don't understand, Skip.
Why do you act this way around me? Why? Hey, guys.
So - Lots to talk about.
- Madame first lady Why are you here? Let's just get it out there.
We tried to do the cyrano thing and it didn't work.
I'm sorry, okay? Cool, now let's put this date back on track.
Am I right? Order some calamari for the table.
Round of drinks maybe a couple of rounds of drinks.
Get this love boat back in the water.
I'm sorry, Skip.
This is too much.
S Skip I can't believe this.
If you had let me do the balloons and the song, Stacey would be imprinted to me right now like a werewolf.
I-I don't know what that means.
It means I want Stacey to like me for me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take my veal parmesan to go.
Thank you, Tommy; Thank you.
He gets me.
This is it, dad.
Down to one final roll.
A merciful man might let you live.
I wish I were that man.
Oop! Look at the time.
- It's getting late.
- No, no, no.
Do not pull the bedtime card! I'm as bummed as you; It screws up my comeback.
But we can pick it up tomorrow.
Though tomorrow is kind of cray-cray and then I have that eight-day swing through the baltics, but that'll give you more time to study your book.
I don't need a book to see what's happening here! You're getting cranky 'cause you're tired, buddy.
I'm getting cranky because of my righteous indignation, and the disappointment of looking down on a man I once looked up to.
Are you kidding me? - How is your approval rating so high? - Stacey, I messed up I filled Skip's head with all this crazy stuff that made him act the way he acted.
Let's be honest Skip's never gonna be the smoothest dude on a date, but Skip is a good guy.
I know he's a good guy.
He's also really weird.
I could see how you might think that.
But I know if you give him another chance, you'll see how normal he is.
™ª Never know how much I love you never know how much I care when you put your arms around me I get a fever that's so hard to bear you give me fever fever! Allow me to make the case for weird.
Xander, buddy, you up? Look, I was out of line.
You were beating me and I panicked, which is silly, because this day had to come.
And you know what? I'm proud of you.
So, here you go.
Thanks.
But Before you take that final roll, let me tell you a little story.
I was reminded today of the first time I beat my dad.
It was in ping-pong.
I mean, I Thought I'd feel great, 'cause we had some pretty fierce battles down in that basement.
But, after I beat him, I just felt kind of sad, you know? Like everything was gonna change I don't know.
I guess part of my childhood just Ended that day.
Just wanted to make sure you're okay with that.
Yup, I'm good.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Whoo! Yes! I win! Wait What's this feeling I'm having? Oh.
It's just another surge - of triumph! - Great.
You know, part of being a man is being a gracious Ah, screw it.
Does this mean I'm a warrior now? Sorry it didn't work out.
At least Stacey rejected me for me.
Well, it's her loss.
You're gonna find the right girl, Skip.
And together, we're gonna make her love you.
Thanks, momily.
Let's go see how Becca's doing.
Oh, good lord.
Check out our compromise mural.
It's going to be Marie Curie riding a sweet microscope over a rainbow bridge into Iron Man's headquarters.
Is that Uncle Randy riding shotgun? You know it, brother.
What do you think? I think I'm staying out of this one.
I told you it's not a toy! XANDER (Muffled): It went through that sheetrock like butter.
I'm not gonna stay out of that one.