18 to Life s01e08 Episode Script

I'm off to the movies with Carter.
What, no Jessie? Oh, she's hanging with her folks.
They're having a "family|togetherness" day.
Family togetherness.
Always some crazy hippy|thing with them, huh? Yes, Dad.
They like to spend time|with one another and are therefore, crazy hippies.
Jessie!|Jessie! Jessie! Thought you could take me|on the last turn, did you? Please.
I lapped Sure you did.
|You.
Twice! Where have you two been? We did.
|We stopped at the Go-Kart track on the way back.
Actually it was on the way there.
Oh no.
I hope the gardening|store's still open.
We were supposed to spend|the day gardening.
Jessie and I were going|to plant tulip bulbs.
We'll plant them later, Mom.
Dad just wanted to have a little fun.
I don't need you encouraging him.
|You could have called.
Why would we call?|Go-karting makes you nauseous.
Do you always have to act|like an overgrown teenager? I'm not a teenager.
|I'm Phil.
Look, "Phil"! I am all down with the Carpe Diem, the je ne sais quoi and|the joie de vivre, but at some point you have|GOT to have an off switch! Sometimes you need to just need to|just Tend your own garden? Nice! You know what? Sometimes I wish you|would act your age.
Wow.
Well? What do you think of their|little communist utopia now? Can't we find a way|that we could be together? Is there any way that|we could be together? And oh by the way,|baby, do you love me? Yes, I do! Yes, I do!|Yes, I do! What's the big|deal, Jessie? It's not like your parents|never fought before.
But I've never seen them argue like this.
|I don't know what to do.
"Stay out of it.
" That's four words, college dropout.
I can't stay out of it.
Dad was just being Dad.
|You know? Cool.
No.
|See, I don't get that.
I mean, I've barely spoken|to mine in like, six years.
Really?|What happened? I turned twelve.
My dad's different.
He can be pretty awesome|if Mom ever lets him.
She kinda does, Jess.
Most of the time.
She can't expect him to just turn|it off whenever it suits her.
I'm talking to her.
You don't wanna get between a couple.
Unless they're twin gymnasts.
I'm not getting between anything.
I'm just gonna go to my mom,|talk to her rationally, and tell her why she's wrong.
Uh, you might wanna re-think|the last part, cupcake.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
Hey, roommates! I can't believe Mom|actually kicked you out.
I was only trying to make our case.
Confronting your mom when she's upset|is like throwing chum to sharks.
Only you're the chum|and she's the shark that's eating the chumt|hat is you.
I get it.
So you're going to be crashing|on the couch, if that's cool.
Hey, I can sleep soundly lying upside-down|naked on cement church stairs.
In fact, I have! Right.
Seriously, this is just one night.
So this totally doesn't|have to be awkward.
Well, I'm going to bed.
OK.
SWING Oh Phil? Did you just call me Phil? No, no, no.
Listen.
Oh, you mean Phil's in our house.
Why the heck is Phil in our house? I don't know.
Go get rid of him.
I'll deal with it tomorrow.
We don't want all those oysters|going to waste, do we? Doesn't it kinda bother you|that Phil is up there? Well, kinda, but let's not let|this ruin the mood.
Come on.
I don't know.
I just keep picturing his hairy|toes and his hairy back and his hairy I'm out.
.
.
and then your uncle spewed|his nachos and Cuervo Gold all over Tara's rosemary patch.
Which we blamed on the|Morton's Chihuahua, remember? And she totally bought it because of|that "stomach disease" you made up.
"Scorpina".
I named it after|one of the evil Power Rangers.
I remember how much you|liked those villains.
There was Goldar and Repulsa and|Wayne Newton? Oh.
|Tom's parents.
We wanted to give our ears|a break, so we hid it.
For a second there I thought|you'd been indoctrinated.
I'd rather be water-boarded with cough|syrup than listen to this.
Yikes.
You don't have to listen to anything|you don't like as long as you're here.
Just be yourself.
Speaking of being myself Oh Dad, no.
|You can't spark one in here.
Relax.
|From down south.
Cajun alligator, extra-spicy.
Illicit meat products!|Well played! Morning, Phil.
I see you stayed|over last night.
In our house.
Even though yours is Well, it's right over there.
Just a little turbulence chez Hill.
Judith, will you excuse|us a second, please? Phil and I are gonna have a|little one-on-one 'guy talk' as we're prone to do.
I've never seen that.
Me neither.
Well, let's give it a whirl, huh? So.
Are you trying to|destroy my love life? Then what the hell's going on?|Not consciously.
It's no big deal, OK? Tara got a little ticked cause|I took Jessie go-karting.
Sometimes she doesn't get|my boyish charm.
Heh heh.
I doubt this is about|your boyish charm.
Sounds like it's about your daughter.
Really? I suggest you tread lightly|with Tara on this one.
This calls for a real solution,|not a half-assed Phil one.
Trust me on this one, Bud.
There's one thing I know how|to handle, and that's women.
He's staying LONGER? There was a slight hiccup.
And by hiccup, I mean|an even bigger fight.
I told you to stay out of it.
Look, I like your dad just|fine, but not as a roommate.
And I told you.
My dad is cool.
He does tai-chi in his back yard|wearing smiley-face boxers, and I'm pretty sure|he's not being ironic.
Hey, I bought him those boxers.
Yeah, well they're a little loose-fitting for|slo-mo leg lifts, if you know what I mean.
Relax, Tom.
You won't even|notice that he's there.
Since when are we into soy milk? Dad's lactose intolerant.
What!|It's just one night.
And the Hindenburg|was just one flight! Look, I had the afternoon off.
I was gonna surprise you|with home-made pizza.
Really? That's so sweet!|Can we postpone until tomorrow? That way you and dad'll have a chance|to get to know each other better.
I've seen his testicles, Jess.
|I know him better than you think.
It'll be fine.
You two'll get along|like old frat buddies.
Pork rind? I'm Jewish.
Right.
|Yeah.
Whoa, there goes my cellphone.
I didn't hear anything.
It's on vibrate.
Hey! I need you to drop everything|you're doing and get over here.
Don't you mean who I'm doing? I'm kidding.
I'm serious, Carter! OK, just relax! Where are you? I'm on the fire escape.
I can't go back in there; it's How weird?|Too weird.
Worse than when your mom|dated your chemistry and biology teachers at the same time.
OK, just listen.
Don't make prolonged|eye contact, OK? Find a mutual distraction,|like a computer or a radio.
Just make small talk.
I can't make small talk.
I talk about sex when I get nervous.
Hey Tom, how's the weather? Naked.
|Oh.
I'll be right there.
They're called Silent Destruction.
Makes Nine Inch Nails sound|like a bunch of thumbtacks.
And check this out.
You haven't done|the deed until you've done it to Dude! Dude! What the hell are you doing? You're welcome.
What, did your father|forget his whoopee cushion? Forgot my textbook.
And don't exaggerate;|He's not a teenager.
Jessie, you only get a|little bit of your father, and a little goes a long way.
He's like blue cheese,|or Robin Williams.
Dad's totally fun.
And you should take him back.
Not without an apology.
He already apologized! Yeah, you know what he said? He didn't say "Sorry|I screwed up.
" He said "I'm sorry you're mad.
Well, maybe you're the one|who should be apologizing.
Did you ever think about that? I'll just go.
Dude! You were supposed|to help me deal with my father-in-law, not humiliate him.
Hey.
It's not my fault|the old guy's aging ears aren't up to the awesomeness|of Silent Destruction.
Maybe it's cause they're|just watered down Melvins with a little early Sabbath thrown in.
Went back to the garage;|Picked up some real tunage.
I'm so sorry.
|This - this wasn't my idea.
I'm disappointed in|you, young Tomwalker.
Here I thought you were the|brains behind the operation.
See in my day, it was 'get rid of the|old guy so we could steal his booze.
' But you guys are all like 'get rid of|the old guy so we can play X-Box.
' Same basic idea, but lamer.
You knew? As obvious as your cologne.
It's body spray.
So could we not mention|this to Jessie? If you want me to zip it, you're gonna have|to let the old man play in the sandbox.
Or in this case, the X-Box.
Ever play Grand Theft? Four or five? Five's not out yet.
I know people.
Phil! Phil! Phil!|Phil! Phil! Phil! I knew you guys would get along! Yeah, you're just in time.
Your dad so far has killed|eighty-three people.
Oh, cool!|Dad, can you scooch over? Yeah, yeah, just a sec, Jess.
Watch out, the cops! Any more jerky? Sorry, no.
I guess I'll just go to bed and study.
Cool.
So this is your idea of|getting things done? Relax, dude.
You said this calls|for a real solution? These things take time.
Are you talking about|your relationship, or finishing Grand Theft Auto? In this case, Grand Theft Auto,|but the other thing, too.
I am taking this|very seriously.
Very seriously.
Oh.
|Forgot the beer bong.
No worries, Ava.
|I think it's a good thing.
Good for Dad, good for Tom.
|Good for me.
Call me later, bye.
GOAL! Look at this wall!|It's ruined! Oh come on, a can of touch-up,|some putty, it'll be good as new.
Yeah, your old|man's got it covered.
Hooked us up with some paint.
Except they didn't have|"dreamweaver grey" so I got white and mixed|it with a Sharpie.
You know, I spent a long time|arranging all this furniture.
Yeah, I kinda felt bad about that, but then your dad reminded me|that you like to change it up.
Tom, I thought you were|gonna make that pizza.
Oh, can we postpone until tomorrow? Your dad's gonna take|us to Big Willie's.
Home of the seventy-two|ounce porterhouse.
Finish it, it's free.
Dude, you're never gonna finish it.
Who cares?|It's free.
No! For the last time|Never mind.
But the whole point is that we were|gonna stay in tonight.
You know? Alone? But it's gonna be so much fun! I just wish you would|have asked first.
Why would I ask?|You love surprises.
Plus, we wouldn't want to spill pizza|sauce on your dad's bed, right? You're staying another night? That's not a problem, is it, kiddo? SCORE! Got your text.
|What's up? I can't live this way.
|He's taken over.
You were right, Ava.
|I've created a monster.
A dad-ster.
A mons-dad.
|A mon It's not working, dollface.
The point is, you've got to help me.
I want him out.
Well, what|about sarcasm? Isn't that what you use to keep|your dad out of your life? Honey, my daddy issues run|deeper than the Grand Canyon.
Sarcasm is just an hors d'oeuvre.
Well, how would you handle this? I'd expose his insecurity,|pump him full of hope, and then machine-gun him|limp with laser sharp barbs.
Yes! To the barb part,|and the lasers.
Whatever gets rid of Dad.
No.
See, that's what I'd|do, but you like your dad.
You don't use a wrecking|ball to hammer a nail.
Well, at least give me something.
A tidbit, a scheme The enemy of your|enemy is your friend.
Flowers?|Jessie, how thoughtful.
I just figured having my dad|upstairs must be pretty hard, so I wanted to do|something as a thank you.
So what's the deal with these? No.
|Is he allergic? So how do they They don't.
|Get rid of him? Not much of a 'thank you', is it?|Ben! Oh! You guys don't|want my dad here? Are you new? What would possibly|make you think we enjoy having that man living upstairs? I just assumed that's why you haven't|been playing any Wayne Newton.
We're not following.
My dad hates Wayne Newton.
I've actually been missing|my Wayne Newton for weeks.
Must have got mixed|it up in the laundry.
I'm late for class.
|Ciao! I want some|red roses for a blue lady.
What the hell is that? Make.
The Wayne.
|Stop.
I'll take care of this.
Oh hey, Phil.
Hope it's not too loud.
No.
|Not too loud at all.
Hey Mom.
|Dad back yet? Why would he be back? I don't know; I just figured he might|be getting a little tired of me.
Oh, you sure it's not|the other way around? No! No.
|Dad's fun, always has been.
Ha ha.
|That's right, sweetie.
At least, that's what Ben|and Judith seem to think.
Send them to the|sweetest gal in town Oh no.
And if they do the trick,|I'll hurry back to pick.
.
Close the window, Jess!|It's too bright.
Your best white orchid|for her wedding gown.
Look at that, a pair of queens.
Read 'em and weep,|ladies and gentlemen.
This pot is mine.
Sorry, Phil.
Oh, no! Look at you with American Airlines! Nicely played, Judith.
Anyone for a drink? What's going on? We're playing Texas Hold'em.
|Grab a chair.
And what's with the Wayne Newton? Actually, he goes|pretty well with poker.
Yeah, it's got a real um How'd you put it again, Phil? "Retro-kitsch factor".
And you're OK with this? You know how much we love our Vegas.
Absolutely.
Any friend of Mr.
|Newton's a friend of ours.
Crank it! Oh yeah.
Hope those pretty flowers|chase her blues away Wrap up some red roses|for a blue lady Ava?|It's me.
Deploy the wrecking ball.
You better not be one of those|"quit while you're ahead" fellas.
I hope not.
|We have one more joining us.
Please let me love you|Like I once loved you Nice tunes.
I didn't know Elvis and|Robert Goulet had a love child.
Dig the Marilyn Manson T.
Didn't know the nineties were back.
Everyone?|You know Ava.
Please go easy on her;|She's new to poker.
Oh, just watch us.
|You might pick up a thing or two, huh? "Just watch us, you might|pick up a thing or two.
" Shut up, Tom.
I'll see the middle-aged|white guy and raise him ten.
I'll see the over- caffeinated Betty|Page wannabe and raise her ten.
I didn't know a mid-life crisis|could start so late in the game.
See your ten, raise you twenty.
Ava, what's with the 'tude? I can handle this.
I know you're not supposed to|raise your hand to a child, but I raise you twenty.
Your humour runs the|gamut from A to B.
Raise you fifty.
All in.
Ow! Full house.
Straight.
Well?|I guess we're done here.
They're all leaving.
|That was incredible! I'm not done yet.
|Come on.
Now this next part could get ugly.
If you don't want to see your|father cry, I suggest you scatter.
OK.
Meet me at the Veg|when you're done.
We're so gonna celebrate.
All right, listen up, tubs.
|What I'm about to say may hurt, so Excuse me?|You're good with words.
Back there on the table,|I dug the repartee.
Like battling wits|with Dorothy Parker.
Really? Really.
|Ever thought of being a writer? Yeah.
My dad used to|say the same thing.
Your dad's a wise man.
I gotta go to the hardware store.
Um, mind if I tag along? I need uh|gorilla glue.
What'd you do, pack his|bags for him, too? Oh, he's not leaving.
What? He's not ready yet, Jessie.
And a man like that|shouldn't be pushed.
He's very|complex.
Oh my God.
|You have a crush on my dad! I do not have a crush! You do too! Look at you, twirling|your hair all girlishly! I like the way he smells, OK?|Ew.
He's got this intoxicating mixture of wood chips and Pears soap.
I might vomit.
But for the record, know that I|would never, ever act on it.
Nowwhile he's still|with your mom.
Good! How's that going anyway? You! Coming in here with your|music and your charm and your|Pear's soap! How dare you take away my friends|and turn my life upside-down! Just being myself.
|Isn't that what you want? What I want is for|you to act your age.
Wow.
You really sound|like your mother.
You said you won't take dad|back without an apology.
I think that apology|should come from me.
You were right about dad.
|How do you do it? I don't exactly know.
All I know is it's harder to live|without him than it is with him.
I'm sorry.
I never should|have come between you guys.
For what it's worth, I guess|I kind of over-reacted.
Of Maybe I was jealous.
|What? Come on, Jess.
I see the way that you two|stick up up for each other all the time.
Like the time that your uncle|puked in my rosemary bush and you blamed it on that mutt.
You knew about that? Chihuahuas don't eject three|times their own body weight.
Then why didn't you call us on it? Because I love what thtwo of you have.
But if you're gonna use a Power|Ranger as a stomach ailment, make sure it's not one that's|on a poster in your bedroom.
You know, Dad's fun.
He's "Phil.
But you're my mom.
Hey, don't tell your father I know|about the puking incident, OK? You know how he loves|to play the rebel.
You know it's funny.
We never would've had|this talk without Dad so in his own bumbling|way, this was his doing.
To think he has no idea.
So should we like, hug|it out or something? That's right, baby.
I'm Phil! You forgive me? Only if you can the Wayne Newton.
It's kinda growing on me.
|You? No.
A little something I|picked up on my travels.
DEATH METAL Dig it.
You naughty boy.
Oh, indeed I am.
DEATH METAL Something's not working.
Oh, it's working.
No.
|The music.
You're right.
Silent Destruction is|so one sentence ago.
Retro's the way, baby.
Send them to the|sweetest gal in town And if they do the trick I'll hurry back to pick ª Your best white orchid for|her wedding gown